UPJOKE
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Broken Jokes

Hey girl, are you a broken compass?

Because I’m not really sure where I’m going with this

"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"

"Our children have names, Harold!"

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] An elder couple were sitting in their broken down car on the side of the road waiting for a tow truck.

The tow truck arrives and the driver walks up to the car as the old man who was driving, rolls down his window.

Driver: Hello folks. What seems to be the problem?

Elder lady: WHAT???

Elder man: Sorry my wife is hard of hearing.

Then he looks at his wife and yells out...

Would anyone like to buy a broken barometer.

No pressure.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?

McDonald’s ice cream machine

My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!

A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.

The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

“Sir,” he says, “Why do you have all those knives?”

“They're for my juggling act,” the circus performer replies.

“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the performer gets out of his car an...

A Swiss man is in hospital, all sorts of bones broken

His neighbour asks him: "How did you do that?"

Swiss: "I'm a bear hunter!"

Neighbour: "And...what happened?"

Swiss: "I stood at a small cave and said: 'Hoi Bärli!' A small bear came out and I let it go! Then I went to a medium-sized cave: 'Hoi Bärli!' A medium-sized bear came ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband arrives home from work to his wife with a broken leg

Hubby: How are you doing??

Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's hot two sisters lying on the bed.

Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls..

Sisters: Prove it!<...

Kid: Waaaahhhhh! MY TOY IS BROKEN!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape can't fix.
Kid: mrnm... mmrm.. rnmr...

I'm having some real trouble mending my broken fence.

Can anyone here give me some tips?

I was told you guys are the best at reposting.

What do you call a broken can opener

A can't opener

Broken quiz machine for sale

No questions asked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

Broken Lawnmower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her...

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).

So in essence, Jesus is...>!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

President Trump attempts suicide, fails because of broken rope.

Fake noose.

Husband : Why are there broken condoms on our couch???

Wife : would you please call our children by their real names?

Ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?

Well, never mind- it's pointless.

My friends car got broken into

My buddy had his car broken into.

He accidentally left 2 Mets tickets out in the open on his dashboard.

Someone broke his passenger side window...and left 2 more tickets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man calls the police, upset that his house has been broken into, and his toilet used.

The owner says that nothing has been stolen, and the police officer finds no signs of forced entry. "Why exactly did you call the police?" he asks.

The owner takes the officer into the bathroom and shows him the toilet bowl. "What do you see?" he asks. "A turd," says the officer.

"Exac...

Flight attendant: "Excuse me, one of our two engines is broken, so we'll be two hours late." After a while, the flight attendant said, "Sorry, the other engine has broken.''

Passenger: “Then we will arrive four hours late, right?"

I awoke from an accident and was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.

It was hard to grasp.

What’s the bone most often broken by heretics?

The blasfemur.

Why shouldn't you joke about broken legs?

Because it's not Humerus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant.

Those dirty bastards.

How do you fix a broken gorilla?

A monkey wrench

A man goes to the dentist with some broken teeth...

The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying:

"My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."

The dentist replied: "You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"

To which the ...

A burglar had broken into a house...

... and as he was feeling his way through a darkened room, he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar was startled and stood still for a few moments. Then he decided to continue his search for valuables. Once again, he heard the voice, a little louder, "Jesus is still watching yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

You ever hear the one about broken glass?

It'll have you in stitches.

The Capitol is like my old, broken radio...

...neither have a working speaker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a broken toilet by night...

And a butt washer bidet.

How many American cops does it take to change a broken lightbulb?

Two.
One to arrest the room for being black, and the other to arrest the bulb for being broke.

Why are you selling a broken fridge?

That's not cool.

If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges..

..my door is always open.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

I like my jokes like I like my broken mailboxes.

Promptly reposted and hopefully nobody notices.

A man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the broken table leg

The man replys:
"my dear, am I a carpenter?"


After three days, the man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the broken pipe in the bathroom, but the man replys:
"my dear, am I a plumber?"


After one week the man comes home and his wife tells him to fix the microwave o...

Ever since me and my ex broken up I’ve been calling her the bull…

She’s been chasing red flags non stop

A horse owner was trying to sell a wind-broken horse

The owner was trotting him around for inspection. When he stopped, he stroked the horse's back and remarked to the prospective buyer:

"Hasn't a lovely coat?"

But the other noticed that the horse was panting, and answered:

"Ah, I like his coat all right, but I don't like his pan...

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

How do you fix a broken Jack-o-lantern?

With a pumpkin patch.

How do you fix a broken vacuum cleaner?

Put a Green Bay sticker on it, it'll suck again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

I yelled at my wife today for keeping broken condoms on the sofa

She answered that I shouldn't call our kids like that

Why is getting broken up with like doing algebra?

You've got an ex, and you're trying to figure out why.

My broken heart

Think it's time I told everyone a little bit about me. I was seeing this amazing woman up until last year. Now I absolutely adored this girl, and would do anything for her. But this is a story about how it all went wrong.

A big part of my life was I used to be a harpist. Not to brag, but I co...

I've getting feedback that my jokes are in broken English, so here's one in Spanish.

Uno.

HELP! My Time Machine is broken

It was working fine tomorrow but now it’s not

Elon Musk and his girlfriend have broken up.

Told her he needed some space.

What do you call a kid from chernobyl with a broken leg?

a glow stick

Here I Sit, Broken Hearted. Tried to S*** but Only farted.

Until one day, I took a chance.
Tried to Fart, and S*** my Pants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Broken Mirror!

A customer walks into the glass shop..

He stated his mirror was broken.

His wife went into the bathroom and said

"Mirror Mirror on the Door, Make my Tit's a 44"

Next thing she knew her tit's were 44DD's!

So he thought why not. He went into the bathroom

"Mir...

Every day I'm surrounded by broken condoms.

Running a daycare center is tough.

This year's World Cup in Qatar has already broken a world record

The World Cup with the least amount of DUI's.

What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and life

They’re both pointless
*NYEH* *HEH* *HEH*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just helped a cop sweep up some broken glass.

That was my first brush with the law.

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don...

I think Google is broken or something...

I did a Google Image search for Rorschach tests, but all that shows up is pictures of my dad hitting me.

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

I was raised in a broken home

My father was a drunk carpenter.

The local wig shop got broken into last night

They've had to replace all the locks

A Travelling Salesman Whose Car Has Broken

A travelling salesman whose car has broken down goes to the door of the closest farmhouse.
The farmer says, “You can spend the night but you’ll have to share a room with my daughter.”
The daughter, a gorgeous 20-something, winks at him over her father’s shoulder.
“Oh, I don’t mind that,” ex...

Mother Superior gathers all 100 nuns in the chapel.

"I'm afraid we have some bad news," the Mother Superior says. "It appears one of you has been sneaking out and sinning behind the chapel walls."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.

"We know this because we found a used condom just outside the gates."

99 nuns gasp, 1 nun giggles.
...

Someone stole my broken bathroom scales...

...but I'm confident they won't get a weigh with it.

11:38 - Arrived at crime scene.

11:38 - Examined body. Signs of a struggle.

11:38 - Found murder weapon in drain.

11:38 - Realised watch was broken.

A guy visited his friend with a broken foot in the hospital

He asked him what happened and the guy recounts his story.

He said that he was in the pet shop when he saw a parrot he liked. He asked the owner about it and the owner said that the parrot could do karate.

The way this worked was when one said "Parrot karate [object]", the parrot wou...

You know, I was going to tell you all a joke about a broken streetlamp...

But I don't think I can, it's probably been reposted.

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

I've broken my arm in 3 places.

I've decided to stop going to those places.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

What do you call a broken car?

Nothing! You call a mechanic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a ...

"Honey, why are there broken condoms on the backyard?"

And that's when his wife replied shouting: "I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING THE KIDS THAT!"

Doctor: Well, your arm is broken. You’ll need a cast for about 8 weeks and you’ll be good as new

Me: When the cast comes off, will I be able to play the piano?

Doctor: I don’t see why not.

Me: AWESOME!!!! I’ve always wanted to play the piano

I accidentally sat on some broken glass

It was a real pane in the ass

I got my heart broken by a tennis player in high school.

Love means nothing to them.

Why aren't broken bones a problem in India?

Everyone is already in a caste

Police Station: You admit having broken into the same dress shop four times. What did you steal?”

“A dress for my wife, but she made me change it three times.”

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foo...

What do you call an Italian with a broken arm?

Speech impediment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's bathroom was broken and he really wanted to

A man's bathroom was broken and he really wanted to do a number 2. The best alternative he could think of was to do it on a bedsheet, grab the bedsheet and get rid of everything by throwing it out the window. It fell on a drunk man who was sleeping under his window. He woke up startled and he starte...

If Reddit was a video game, it'd be really broken and unbalanced

Because everyone would be OP

yesterday I found a broken skunk

it was out of odor.

What has broken arms, broken legs and is on the bottom of a river?

People who tell jokes about the Mafia.

The broken light

Recently I was having trouble with my light switch so I called for the maintenance guy.

An old grizzled Chinese man arrived shortly after and inspected the switch. He stated that the light switch was working perfectly fine but noted that indeed it was not working as I had said.

"This i...

Broken bridges really annoy me...

I just can't get over them.

Broken YoYos for sale

No strings attached!!

To the person who stole my broken bathroom scale, I can guarantee one thing..

There’s no way you can get a weigh with it.

Why is a broken cash register like a pirate?

There was no quarter given.

My glasses have broken

I can barely look forward to buying new ones

When you give your friend a broken condom as a prank and

now you have another brother

what did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

Give me my quarter back

Harry's local manufacturing business was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen.

Police are currently combing the area for clues.

What do you call broken chopsticks?

Chopped sticks

The US mint seems to be broken

The penny marking machine at the US mint just stopped working for no reason.

It just doesn't make any cents!

Why is a broken elevator reassuring?

It will never let you down.

Man talking to his wife and asks “honey, where did you place the broken condoms?”

Wife: please stop referring to our kids as broken condoms, and they are at football practice

My wife just phoned me and said that her car has broken down.

I told her to whisper it some words of encouragement.

Even a broken bomb timer is right once

Then never again

It wasn't much fun last year having a broken neck.

But I can look back now and laugh.

What do you call a phoenix with a broken wing?

Joaquin Phoenix.

How do you fix a broken clock?

You Tic it to the Toctor.

Why is a broken drum the best gift?

It can’t be beat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you fix a broken Jack o’ Lantern?

With a Pumpkin Patch.

It’s crappy, I know. Saw it on my local library’s wall.

James Bond walks into a bar

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I...

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