UPJOKE
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How do you fix a broken Jack-o-lantern?

With a pumpkin patch.

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Just got offered a new TV with a broken volume button for £5.

I couldn't turn it down.

Why shouldn't you joke about broken legs?

Because it's not Humerus

what do you call a broken can opener

A can't opener

I awoke from an accident and was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.

It was hard to grasp.

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says,

"Well, I ...

If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges..

..my door is always open.

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My grandpa told his grandson “all you kids do nowadays is play video games”

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

A man's broken fence

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be...

Police Station: You admit having broken into the same dress shop four times. What did you steal?”

“A dress for my wife, but she made me change it three times.”

Why can't you write with a broken pencil ?

It's pointless.

Y'all hear the joke about the broken pencil?

Eh, it's pointless

I asked my wife " Why are there broken condoms all over the sofa again?"

She replied "Please call our children by their proper names"...

A guy visited his friend with a broken foot in the hospital

He asked him what happened and the guy recounts his story.

He said that he was in the pet shop when he saw a parrot he liked. He asked the owner about it and the owner said that the parrot could do karate.

The way this worked was when one said "Parrot karate [object]", the parrot wou...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5)

So in essence, Jesus is >!never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.!<

How do you fix a broken pizza?

With tomato paste!

The Penguin Joke

A truck delivering penguins to the Zoo broke down a few miles from its destination. The driver flagged an empty truck down. He said hey Buddy can you help me out I need to get these penguins to the zoo in the next hour and the repair truck will be here in about the same time, could you help me out a...

An immigrant teen is walking home from the supermarket when he sees an older gentleman with a broken down car on the side of the road...

He stops to help and immediately makes a good impression on the older fellow. Eventually they get the car going and the gentleman offers the boy a ride home. The teenager accepts, thinking it would be a great way to get home quickly, considering it's getting late and his mother was probably worried ...

Harry's local manufacturing business was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen.

Police are currently combing the area for clues.

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A woman was driving her buggy to town when a patrol officer stopped her.

“I'm not going to book you,” he said "but I just wanted to warn you that your rear reflector is broken and it could be dangerous.”

“I thank thee,” replied the lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”

“And also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of the reins i...

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

2 hunters, Bill and Tom, were out in the Blue Mountains one wintery day – looking for some feral game.

After nearly an entire day without a sighting they spotted a herd of feral goats and started stalking.

So excited & intent were they on their targets that one of them, Bill, didn't watch his footing and had the misfortune to trip and fall off a 12m cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in g...

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The Priest and the Politician

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest ...

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

Programmers don't change light bulbs. Broken light bulbs are a hardware issue.

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There once live a man named Keith.

Keith’s mother had instilled in him the wisdom of an old adage: “Obsessions are only a problem if you have fewer than two.” To that end, Keith made sure that he always had at least two obsessions on the go. And as the years passed, and Keith married and settled down, two particular passions endured...

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Accident in the Golf Club

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby…

He put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground & rolled around in pain.

She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a doctor.

Reluctantly he agreed.

She gently took his hands away, unzipped his...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and life

They’re both pointless
*NYEH* *HEH* *HEH*

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

The desk sergeant replied, "You would get your chance in court."

The man replied, "No, no no. I just want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I have been trying to do that for years."

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

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Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

Jesus is watching you

A burglar had just broken into a house and was stealing anything he could get his hand on. Then he heard a voice. It said, "Jesus is watching you."

Thinking it's in his head he continues on his business. Then he hears it again, "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar not very religious bu...

Four engineers get into a car.

Four engineers get into a car. the car won't start.

The mechanical engineer says :

"its a broken starter"

The electrical engineer :

"dead battery"

The chemical engineer:

"impurities in the gasoline"

The IT engineer:

"Hey guys , i have an idea h...

A couple is playing golf, when accidentally the ball flies out of the field and breaks a window of a nearby house

The house looks quite expensive, and the couple is very nervous, wondering how much they have to pay for the window. They knock the door, and a middle aged man opens it.

The husband apologizes: “Good afternoon sir. I and my wife were playing golf here. We didn’t mean it, but we have to apolog...

The Story of How The Angel Went on Top of The Christmas Tree

Santa was having a terrible day. The toy factory was broken. Elves weren’t working. Mrs Claus was bugging him about something. He was having to manually make toys out of wood. He was over it. And just as he was hanging on to his lead shred of sanity, he smashed his thumb with a hammer.
And just ...

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An old couple are sitting on their porch . . .

(One of my favorites, though I'm sure it's probably been posted at some point)

An old couple are sitting on the porch in their rocking chairs, watching the sunset quietly. After a long stretch broken only by the creaking of their chairs, the old woman reaches down, picks up her cane, and swi...

Here I Sit, Broken Hearted. Tried to S*** but Only farted.

Until one day, I took a chance.
Tried to Fart, and S*** my Pants

What did the broken egg say to his friends?

"What's crackin'?"

A truck driver hated seeing door-to-door religious zealots walking down the road

He hated how they would go from house to house, bothering people and questioning their faith. So whenever he would see some walking down the road, he would slow down, ease over, and bump them with his fender to make them fall down into the mud on the side of the road. He grew to enjoy the satisfac...

HELP! My Time Machine is broken

It was working fine tomorrow but now it’s not

I think Google is broken or something...

I did a Google Image search for Rorschach tests, but all that shows up is pictures of my dad hitting me.

Authorities in Lake Tahoe are on the lookout for three bears that have collectively broken into more than 30 homes

Current leads suggest that the bears’ location to be somewhere in the goldilock zone

Knock, knock...

Who's there?

Amir.

Amir who?

Amir to fix your broken doorbell...

I got my heart broken by a tennis player in high school.

Love means nothing to them.

How do you fix a broken vacuum cleaner?

Put a Green Bay sticker on it, it'll suck again.

Why is a seal with just one fin safe to swim in shark infested waters?

Like everyone else, sharks know that if the seal is broken the food isn't safe to consume!

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Barnyard Blues

There’s this horse in a barn and he’s watching TV and he sees a rock band playing music so he calls up a music teacher “Hey, I wanna learn to play guitar, there’s only 1 problem I’m a horse” music teacher says “no problem I can teach anyone anything” 2 months go by and horse is shredding it on the g...

What’s the best present you can gift?

A broken drum.

Nobody can beat that.

Elon Musk and his girlfriend have broken up.

Told her he needed some space.

What does Harvey Weinstein have in common with a broken arm? (NSFW)

They both are looking forward to getting their cast off.

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A man and his dog walk into a bar

A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'm sorry guys, you'll have to leave. No dogs allowed."

The man says, "But mine talks."

The bartender says "Bullshit"

The man says "I'll bet you $10,000 he can talk."

The bartender says "Fine, prove it then. But if he...

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games.

In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying. “What’s wr...

Hey girl, are you a broken compass?

Because I’m not really sure where I’m going with this

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Just helped a cop sweep up some broken glass.

That was my first brush with the law.

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BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...

They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.

I've getting feedback that my jokes are in broken English, so here's one in Spanish.

Uno.

My horoscope said I was going to get my heart broken in 12 years time

So I bought a puppy to cheer myself up!

I was raised in a broken home

My father was a drunk carpenter.

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell

The devil awaits him. He says “Bill, don’t worry, it’s not as bad down here as they say. I let you pick your eternal punishment for yourself.”

“What are my options?” Bill asks.

So the devil shows him around.

Behind the first door is Ronald Reagan. He’s chained up, and getting w...

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My friend came pissed off at me, saying that it had not even been two days since he broke up and I already had sex with his ex girlfriend

I said: Sorry dude, I didn't know you guys had broken up!!

A Travelling Salesman Whose Car Has Broken

A travelling salesman whose car has broken down goes to the door of the closest farmhouse.
The farmer says, “You can spend the night but you’ll have to share a room with my daughter.”
The daughter, a gorgeous 20-something, winks at him over her father’s shoulder.
“Oh, I don’t mind that,” ex...

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a ...

When you give your friend a broken condom as a prank and

now you have another brother

My wife was in the kitchen wearing only the t-shirt she slept in...

... preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me right now! Right here!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
...

My wife just phoned me and said that her car has broken down.

I told her to whisper it some words of encouragement.

Man talking to his wife and asks “honey, where did you place the broken condoms?”

Wife: please stop referring to our kids as broken condoms, and they are at football practice

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Three Safari Men

There were three men (a pastor, a father, and a good 'ol boy redneck) that happened to be taking a safari of the Amazon rainforest when they are separated from the rest of the group. After a few days and trying to find their way back to civilization, they were captured by a local tribe, bound and b...

What do you call a kid from chernobyl with a broken leg

a glow stick

As Jesus hangs from the cross…

he calls down to Peter, “Peter come to me, I have something I need to tell you”. Peter attempts to climb the hill to see Jesus, but before he gets to the top the guards stop him, beat him bloody, and send him away.
The next day, Jesus calls out to Peter again. “Peter come to me, I have something...

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? Wh...

Someone stole my broken bathroom scales...

...but I'm confident they won't get a weigh with it.

Trump as president visiting kindergarten, school and prison...

So, Trump with Mike Pence visits institutions around US to see what he can do to make infrastructure better for people.
First, kindergarten. He sees leaking roof, worn out toys and playground, underpayed teachers.
- Mike, write down, let's donate from federal budget 1 milion $ to each kinderg...

Diving trip goes bad...

A husband and wife are out diving one day in deep open waters when they became separated.
The husband in panic swam and dove as long as he could in an attempt to find his wife,before he eventually ran out of air. He made it back home and alerted the authorities.
A rescue party was sent out, wi...

The local wig shop got broken into last night

They've had to replace all the locks

Anyone want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure..

I need to decide what type of glass to use to fix my broken front door window...

...I could see myself replacing it with a mirror.

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A man with a head the size of an orange walks into a bar

He sits down, and orders a thimble of beer. The bartender looks confused, but gets him the drink. "Here's your drink, sir," says the barman. "But I have to ask. Are you, um, okay?"

^("Yes, I'm fine,") says the man. ^("It's not painful or anything.") He gestures at his tiny head.

"But, ...

The laws to get to heaven are new!

They changed the rules to get into heaven and get passed Saint Peter and the pearly gates; you just need to have died in an interesting way.

So three men show up before Peter. Peter asks the first man how did you die?

Man says "well you see i live on the 22nd floor of a high rise apart...

What do you call an Italian with a broken arm?

Speech impediment.

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A man's bathroom was broken and he really wanted to

A man's bathroom was broken and he really wanted to do a number 2. The best alternative he could think of was to do it on a bedsheet, grab the bedsheet and get rid of everything by throwing it out the window. It fell on a drunk man who was sleeping under his window. He woke up startled and he starte...

Broken Lawnmower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her...

Our distributor shipped us a box of broken calculators.

Seriously, we can't count on them at all anymore.

A travelling salesman

A travelling salesman's car has broken down. It's late at night, so he walks to the closest farmhouse and asks to stay there for the night.

\- You can spend the night, but you’ll have to share the room with my 17-year-old son, says the farmer.

\- F#ck. I'm in a wrong joke.

Blonde walks into a doctor’s office and says: “Doctor, what’s the problem with me?

When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!” The Doctor replies: “Your finger is broken.

Two drunk guys walk into a hotel

snippering one word after another they finally manage to make themselves understood by the girl at the reception.

"So you want the cheapest double room we have, right? The only free one is on the 100th floor but the elevator is broken". The two guys, in order not to spend the night sleeping o...

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A husband and wife are playing golf...

A husband and wife are playing golf at a very high end golf course that's right next to an even fancier neighborhood. They tee off on the 3rd hole and the husband's drive veers sharp to the left, sending the golf ball through the window of an extravagant, luxurious home. Clearly the most expensive h...

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Husband arrives home from work to his wife with a broken leg

Hubby: How are you doing??

Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's hot two sisters lying on the bed.

Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls..

Sisters: Prove it!<...

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This is long and I'm not sure if it's worth reading.

Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: ‘Did you hear the
news – Mike is dead?’
‘How?’ gasped the other. ‘What happened to him?’
‘Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and
when he pulled up outside, he didn’t brake properly and – bang
– he hit the pavement...

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Compatibility

A woman was sitting alone at a bar and a man approached her. He asked her why she looked so sadly. She responded that her boyfriend had just broken up with her because she was too kinky.

The man expressed his amazement when he admitted that his girlfriend had dumped him because of his f...

The wisest of the mad

One day, the insane plan to escape from the asylum, and the wisest of the insane simply explains the plan as follows: They break down the first, second and third doors and say we are fugitives. The madmen wake up early in the morning and break the first and second doors, but when they realize that t...

The Miracle Healer

A miracle healer is demonstrating his gift. A woman with a broken arm in a sling comes up to him. The healer says “I lay my hand on your arm. You are healed! Go forth!”

The woman takes her arm from her sling and finds it works perfectly fine!

Next a man with a broken neck in a brace co...

A burglar had broken into a house...

... and as he was feeling his way through a darkened room, he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar was startled and stood still for a few moments. Then he decided to continue his search for valuables. Once again, he heard the voice, a little louder, "Jesus is still watching yo...

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Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."

The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it ...

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..

.. Desperate to win Her back.

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Internet speed world record broken in Japan with 319Tb/s data transer speed

But still the contents will be blurry

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam,” he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pay...

You know what I can't stand?

A broken tripod

What do you call a broken car?

Nothing! You call a mechanic.

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind along with the CAT.

Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.
The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually...

A Fellow Jets Fan

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey helmet and is holding Jets pom poms. The bartender says, "Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"

The man begs, "Look I'm desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only...

I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?

McDonald’s ice cream machine

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line.
"Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the bac...

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don...

A stationery store was broken into. Box files, wall calendars and appointment diaries were stolen.

Police suspect highly organised crime.

God and the devil were in a dispute over a broken fence.

God said you have to pay for half.

The devil said "not paying"

God said "you have to, or I'll sue!"

The devil laughed and said "where are you gonna get a lawyer?

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II.

Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

Why is a broken cash register like a pirate?

There was no quarter given.

blonde goes to the doctor office

She is complaining her entire body hurts. The doctor asks her the point to where it hurts. The blonde starts touching all over her body wincing in pain every time. Doctor says "maam its not your body. You have a broken finger".

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

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New Diet

So I’m at Walmart picking up a bag of dog food for my dog. Waiting in the long line the lady behind me strikes up a conversation. She asks if I have a dog, and I think, why else would I be carrying this big bag of dog food?
Then I said “No, I’m starting the dog food diet again. Even though...

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

My broken heart

Think it's time I told everyone a little bit about me. I was seeing this amazing woman up until last year. Now I absolutely adored this girl, and would do anything for her. But this is a story about how it all went wrong.

A big part of my life was I used to be a harpist. Not to brag, but I co...

What do you call a phoenix with a broken wing?

Joaquin Phoenix.

I tried to buy something from a perfume vending machine, but it was broken.

It just had a sign on it that said "Out of Odor".

Broken quiz machine for sale...

No questions asked.

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A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer...

I accidentally sat on some broken glass

It was a real pane in the ass

If Reddit was a video game, it'd be really broken and unbalanced

Because everyone would be OP

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