One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues,

when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. 

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawye...

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Homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge

A homeless man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine...

Someone stole my favorite coffee cup right off my desk at work.

Now I have to go down to the police station and look at some mug shots.

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All-Female Crew As the aircraft was taxiing towards the runway to take off, the voice on the speaker welcomed passengers on board and introduced them to the pilot.

"Your captain is Miss Mary Joystick...."

"You mean to tell me this plane is being piloted by a woman?"asked an alarmed passenger to a stewardess."

"Yes, sir," replied the stewardess. "So is the co-pilot, Miss Jane Understudy. So also are the radio operator and the navigator, they are a...

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike. His buddy said “sweet bike, where’d ya get it?”

“You’ll never believe this,” he said, “I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_”

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said “smart. Her clothes would have never fit yo...

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious.
"How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartende...

Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.

1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please...

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A Female Dwarf

Goes to the doctors and says "everytime it rains my Vagina hurts" The doctor has a good look at her lady garden and can't see anything that could cause it. He advises to come back on the next rainy day.

A few days later the dwarf is back at his office saying its raining and my vagina is hurti...

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polack...

An Irishman, an Italian and a Polack are on death row, awaiting electrocution.
The warden takes the first man, and asks him if he has any last words. He says, 'I'm innocent. Perhaps years from now, evidence will show I"m telling the truth'.
The warden says, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what t...

Run Grandpa run!

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several...

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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.
“I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be...

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An upcoming director, Tim, is having dinner with two prestigious producers in a fancy restaurant.

The director sees Frank Sinatra in the distance walking into the men's bathroom. The director excuses himself and goes in after him.

As Frank pees in one of the urinals the director approaches him and says, “Mr Sinatra, I'm sorry to bother you, but there are two producers I'm trying to impre...

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Man buys a talking centipede.

Man buys a talking centipede for $5000 and takes it home in a small box.

When he gets home, he opens the box and says "Would you like to go for a beer?"

The centipede doesn't answer...

Raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply.

30 mins later and getting...

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An inspector goes to a prison’s death row.

The warden tells him, “We punish our inmates humanely based on what crime they committed. Instead of the death penalty, we amputate the body part they committed the crime with.”

The inspector thinks this is a good idea, as it teaches the inmate a lifelong lesson. He sees someone without his r...

A farmer was in court being questioned by a lawyer.

The lawyer asks the farmer ‘did you tell the officer you were fine?’

The farmer replies ‘well I was crossing the road when the semi...’

The lawyer cuts him off and says ‘it’s a yes or no question. Did you tell the officer you were fine?’

The farmer again starts to say ‘well I wa...

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

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I saw my dwarf neighbor standing at the bus stop this morning so I stopped him.

I said, "Jump in! I'll give you a lift!"

"Fuck off!" he said.

And I just thought to myself, "What an ungrateful person he is." So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

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A woman went to the doctor with an unusual problem...

"Doctor, I've got three breasts." She declared.

"Please undress," said the doctor.

"Doctor, I'm worried that when you'll see my problem you'll laugh", she said nervously.

"Don't be concerned, Miss" said the Doctor. "I'm a medical man and I'm fully trained to handle such proble...

A guy was cutting some branches off a tree next to an asylum and fell inside

The knife fell far away, and a prisoner inside got it before he did, and he started running towards him with the knife.

He ran for his life, until he couldn’t run anymore, he fell.

When the prisoner reached him, he dropped the knife next to him and said “Your turn!”

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I was driving home from work when a guy waved at me from the side of the road.

"I need directions to the hospital," he said.

"Sorry, buddy. I'm in a hurry," I told him. "My wife is at home waiting to have sex with me."

"Could you just tell me which way?"

"Probably from behind, if you must know," I replied, driving off.

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A zookeeper calls an ambulance and says: "Help, a crocodile took my leg off!"

The EMT asks: "Oh my god, which one?"
"I don't know", the zookeeper says, " those bastards all look the same!"

A Swede, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and their wives went to play golf one day. They were about to tee off on the first hole.

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good Grief, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?", Ole demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any....

A girl introduces her partner to 69, but he doesn't know what that is

"Why don't I show you?", she says with a wicked grin on her face

"Ok, I'm game for whatever," he says, having no idea what's in store

So she lays him down in bed and lowers herself onto his face

But she accidentally lets out a small fart

"Oops, I'm sorry -"

"I can'...

Jeffery Dahmer is in his kitchen, using his blender...

... when his phone goes off in his pocket. It was a notification from the CDC:

"The public is still advised to avoid direct contact from others through cordial gestures during this pandemic, such as hugs or ***handshakes.*** "

"Awwwwww..." Jeffery mopes, as he turns off his blender.

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

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The Medicran (long)

Fair warning: I heard this from my Dad years ago, so…dad joke ahead. Consider yourself warned.

Long ago, a tribe of the northlands was being savaged by the fearsome Medicran. A council of the tribes elders, after some discussion decided something needed to be done. They charged the tribe’s b...

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

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a man gets on a public bus...

A man gets on a public bus, and sees a very attractive nun. He goes over to sit by the nun, and starts talking her up, trying to get her to come home with him. She refuses his advances, and eventually gets off the bus. The guy, however, couldn't get her out of his head, so he went up and asked the b...

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There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis.

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

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Guy at the beach was surrounded by beautiful, horny women. They couldn’t keep their hands off of him! When he went to the bathroom, I walked up and asked his secret....he told me that he puts a potato in his swim trunks before coming to the beach.

So, the next day at the beach, I put a potato in my swim trunks but EVERYONE started to laugh at me!

The guy who told me his secret saw me and yelled:

“No! Put it in the *FRONT* of your trunks!”

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The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's Coronavirus strategy

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologist had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.    Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring unde...

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A clean joke

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, t...

On our first date, we took turns humping the base of the Statue of Liberty

...we really got off on the right foot.

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus

The bartender, upon seeing the octopus, says "hey hey hey I run a respectable establishment here, no cephalopods allowed!"

The owner of the octopus says "no, wait, this is the most amazing octopus in the world, it can play any musical instrument known to man."

As fate would have it, th...

A dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

As she was drifting off to sleep late that night she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs passionately locked together.

Despite her best attempts she was unable to se...

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank?

They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?"

The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..."

T...

I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers...

... and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they just waved it past.

I arri...

Lumberjack contest

A man entered a contest to see who could chop down a tree the quickest. With a clear lead, the man started swinging his axe faster and faster out of excitement. With the tree ready to fall, he took a misguided swing and chopped off both of his feet. He stayed in the competition, but came in second p...

After a few weeks of not feeling good, a man and his wife decided to go see a doctor.

During the conversation where the doctor was trying to find out what was wrong, he decided that the man should have a blood test

Wait, the wife said, isn't that really expensive, because we don't have that much money

No, the doctor said, healthcare is free in Canada

After a week...

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Sad But True

A 37 yr old virgin, exiting a bus, passes the grand opening of a new pet store, on her way to work. Out in front of the pet store on a perch is a parrot. Now there's a reason why this lady is a virgin and it is not by choice. So as she's passing the parrot, it says, "Hey lady" A little amused, she r...

A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide.

Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, "Don't jump, you've got lots of potential!"

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All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple.



Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.

"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"

Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parkin...

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It’s down to the final two at a championship spelling bee.

The contestant gets up to the microphone and the judge tells him the word is “walk.”

Confused, the contestant asks for a definition.

“To move about or travel on foot for exercise or pleasure.”

The contestant asks for a sentence to confirm what could be his final word was reall...

Apparently, I spend too much time on reddit

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off. I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

3 Guys are waiting in line to enter heaven

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first guy, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've sus...

Little Johnny in class

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with the letters 'tor' that also ate things.

The first little boy said, 'Alligator'.

'Very good, Jimmy, that's a big word', said the teacher.

The next little boy said, 'Predator'.

'That's also a very good wor...

One of my favorite jokes that my dad told me.

A man is sitting in his house watching TV when there is a flood warning. A few minutes later his house is flooding so he goes up to the 2nd floor.

He is hanging out his window when a boat with first responders show up and they yell “Sir, we need to get you out of here! Get on the boat!”
...

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Two strangers are sitting next to each other in a bar...

One guy says to the other “hey man, I’ll bet you $50 I can eat an entire plate of human shit in less than 30 seconds”.

The other guy says “there’s no way anyone can do something that disgusting, so you’re on”.

They head to the dumpsters behind the bar where the second guy squats down...

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3 farmers were talking about how they have sex with their sheep. The first one said “I put it’s back legs down my wellies so it can’t run off”. The second said “I put its back legs down my wellies and it’s front legs over a wall, gives a different position”

The third says “I put its back legs down my wellies, with it facing me and put its front legs over my shoulders”
“Why do you do that” asked the others, “well, I don’t want to miss out on the kissing”

Edit - Wellies = Wellington Boots = Gum Boots = Rubber Boots

The owner of a large cow farm walks into his barn

He sees that almost 80 of his cows have been packed tightly into the barn and the whole place smells of marijuana. He looks around at several of his farm hands who are smoking and shocked asks, "What are you doing?! OSHA is on their way for an inspection right now!"

One answered, "We know, ...

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

The Botched Executions

Obligatory first time posting so I'm hoping I follow all the guidelines and you all like the joke!

A Priest, Lawyer and Engineer are traveling together in a foreign country and unfortunately get arrested. They are all three set to be executed by guillotine.

The Priest is all set up, a ...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screamin...

Two Philosophers and a YouTuber Meet in the Dead of Night to Discuss their Darkest Secrets

They begin by releasing their darkest secrets in exchange for more secrets. After each of them let out their darkest secrets, the YouTuber asks for a break.

The philosophers tell him that he can take a break, so the YouTuber wanders off while the philosophers remain at the table. With just th...

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The police almost arrested a man for wanking to a caution sign

But he got off with a warning

An old man decides to look into a Nudist Colony

He is invited to try the one week trial period so he does.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, walks over to him and asks, "did you ...

What should you do when you see a blue tit?

Say the safe word and take the ropes off.

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Old geezers sharing jokes

Group of old geezers been getting together at the same bar for decades. They always tell each other jokes. After awhile they know all the jokes so well, they just designate a number. Like ole Joe would say, 103, and everybody would be laughing their ass off. One day a toothless Jack said 10,587!...

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An old funny joke about some some crazy bastards

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum.and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more.

They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretchin...

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Magic

After a long show, Marvelous Mike, an old magician enters a McDonald's. Not without Schadenfreude, he realizes that the cashier is his old competitor Harry Houdini.

Feigning empathy, he asks "Oh Harry. I cannot believe that such a gifted artist would end up like this. Anyway, may I have BigM...

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

My kids asked me what it's like to be a mother.

So i woke them up at 5am to tell them my sock fell off.

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Sportscar race

Enzo Ferrari and Ferdinand Porsche were arguing about which of their sportscars was the fastest, so they decided to each pick their best driver and have a race to find out.

They day of the race came, and the Ferrari won easily, pulling up at the finish-line a beautiful female driver stepped o...

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free."

So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.
<...

I have an alphabet grenade.

If it goes off, it could spell disaster.

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would n...

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A man comes running to the doctors one day.

"Doctor doctor my ass hurts like hell and I think it's bleeding" the man says, The doctor says "well what happen". The man starts talking and saying how he was taking a shit and it wouldn't come out so I pushed and pushed and pop it came out and in that time I jumped up and shouted ahh my ass and I ...

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Superman had a huge crush on Wonder Woman..

He was always too scared to tell her, fearing it would ruin their work relationship. One day, he was using his X-ray vision to watch her in her apartment.

He saw her put on music and start taking her clothes off.

She sat down on her bed. She was getting in the romantic mood. She was ...

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A woman is at the hospital in a coma.

The doctor steps into the hall to have a talk with the husband.

Doc: I am so sorry sir, but we have run out of options and will need to pull the plug.

Husband: Please don't doc. I love her. Are you sure there is nothing else you can do?

Doc: At this point, we have tried every ...

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

The Little Old Lady.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in
awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling Out of that...

A senior citizen drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him

He floored it to 140, then 150, ... then 170, ...

Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift end...

My wife is mad at me.

She said if I don't get off the computer she will smash my head into the keyboard. I think it might just be a joke thobfufjebwhhwhf8djfnrk727gdbd eu27y d bc uuehwjw 7 8j

My obese parrot just died.

I am devastated, but at the same time it’s a huge weight off my shoulders.

How many members of Stack Overflow does it take to change a lightbulb?

Closed, question seems like off-topic

When I was young, one Halloween I told my parents, "I'm going to dress up as a small island off the coast of Italy."

Exasperated, my mother said, "Don't be Sicily".

Little Johnny took a leak with his classmate in the school loo.

His classmate noticed that after peeing, Johnny didn't wash his hands. He then proceeded to ask:

"Johnny, why do you not wash your hands after peeing?"

"Is there a need to do so?"

"Yes! My mum taught me to wash after peeing, to wash off pee in my hands."

"Well, I ...

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The Beach Boys walk into a bar

"Round?"
"Round?"
"Get a round"
"I get a round?"
"Get a round..."

"Fuck off" said the bababa bababarman.

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

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Remember, there’s a simple mnemonic device to remember month length: “30 days hath September; April, June, and November. All the rest have 31,

Excepting February, who can fuck off, son.
Pay the same bills but get less time
And guess if you get 28 or 29.”

I started shaving my beard recently

I've finally started growing facial hair, so I shaved for the first time this morning. I'd say I did a pretty good job, but I think I missed some spots when I was drying off. I'm still a little wet behind the ears.

What did the physicist say about the child that jumped off a building?

He had so much potential

A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law.

One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

"Quick, darling," the wife shout...

Help, how do I get the frost off my windshield?

I used my discount card but could only get 20% off.

My wife walked into the bedroom to find me pulling off my boxers.

She told me I spoil the dogs too much.

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The funeral procession.

I used to go fishing with a feller. Wesley, his name was. Miserable bastard, but he loved to fish. He and I would go out all the time. But one day, we were river fishing... when we see a funeral procession going over a bridge and, out of the blue, Wesley stands up, takes off his hat, bows his head. ...

On pride month, the trans man spoke about how free he felt after his surgery.

It was like a huge weight off his chest.

Did you know that the first ever musicians were also mathematicians?

Their music was based off log-rhythms

A little story from WWII

A Russian patrol was going through the woods of Finland when they were wiped out, one by one, by a sniper hidden in the deep firs, who killed the lot, but for one man. "One Finn is better than ten Russians!" He was taunted as he ran away.


He returned to his base, and the platoon commande...

Erectile Dysfunction

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with an traditional healer, who was well known to have a very good naturopathic cure for erectile dysfunction!

As he despised western medicine, believing the conspiracy theo...

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The animals in the zoo are bored.

The snake says "I know, we can play billiards" The elephant scoffs "How. we don't have a table?" The snake explains they can do tricks, and the other animals judge them as to how many balls they have sunk. So each animal does their best and the snake is winning, showing off he says to the elephant "...

If, whilst having my tea, I knock a pea off my plate onto the table or floor, I announce to my family - "I have an escape-pea."

My family don't like me

A man was really stressed and his wife put her foot down and..

And finally made him do something about it. She told him he needed to buy a pet because she read that pets reduce stress.

So he takes an Uber to the pet store and is greeted by the owner, a very attractive woman.

Surprisingly, she suggests buying a couple dozen snails because the...

A Penguin is driving on a scorching day out near Nowhere, Texas

… and his car breaks down. Penguin gets his car towed to the nearest shop.

Mechanic says “looks like you blew a seal”. He asks the mechanic how long it should take. The mechanic says probably a few hours. So the penguin asks if there's anywhere to go to cool off while he waits. Mechanic says...

You know the scene, balding dude in a convertible with a hot chick.

She peels off her top and says "Faster you go, the more i take off!"

She's down to her socks and he's doing 120 mph when they crash. Dazed and confused she finds the driver pinned in the car and goes for help, but all she can find to cover her bits is his shoe.

Stumbling out into the h...

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I'm going to jerk off tonight...

Or as I sometimes call it, "hand to gland combat."

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Maybe jerking off will solve this problem

I mean it’s worth a shot

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What did the left ball say to the right ball?

Between ye and me, something's pissing me off.

"How to break up with your girlfriend" A two-step process:

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

[NSFW] What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A bloody rip off.

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Three Rabbis

Three rabbis were walking and they came to the more questionable part of town. They pass by a shop that has a sign which reads...

Blowjobs:
$25
$50
$100

The first rabbi looks at the sign and says “My friends, it is time I enjoy some of the joys of the flesh. I am going to go a...

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink. [NSFW]

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees ...

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I just got done filming a porno in my hotel room [NSFW]

You can find it on the net. It’s called “drunk guy jerks off in a hotel room and then cries”

Yo mama so fat

>!We’re genuinely worried about her. That kind of lifestyle is unhealthy. You should encourage her to walk more and lay off the Ben&Jerry’s.!<

A regular family dinner

Son: Mama, I saw Papa in the maids bedroom today

Pa: H-Hey now you just be quiet and eat your dinner son

Ma: Go on son...

Son: Papa took off his clothes and the maid did the same!!!

Pa: Now listen here you lying little sh--

Ma: Finish the story Son!

Son: The...

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof!

A bachelor named Steve who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left, he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the ...

A Sensitive Guy

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bed...

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

I just got back from the funeral of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.

The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent.

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3 Explorers are captured by a cannibal tribe...

the chief of the tribe goes to them and says, "If you wish to live and be set free, you must follow this order: Go out into our jungle and collect 10 of a single fruit. Then return here by sundown." All wanting to live, the 3 explorers go off into the jungle.

The first comes back with 10 man...

There are three people running from the cops. One was a brunette, one was a redhead, and one was a blonde.

Eventually, they find a barn and try to hide from the police.

The brunette decides to hide in a haystack, the redhead decides to hide in a horse trough, and the blonde decides to hide in a bunch of potato sacks.

When the police come by the haystack, they hear a rustle.

"What was...

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Fred was hanging out at the local bar.

As it happens, his bladder became full of the liquid that came out of the tap so he went into the washroom to relieve himself. As he stood at the urinal, one hand on the wall and the other holding his private member, he heard a loud crash and the washroom door was broken down off it's hinges. A tall...

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Mr. & Mrs. Johnson live on a farm by themselves. One day, an Alien spaceship lands in front of their house.

As the Johnsons go to investigate, the ship’s doors open and two aliens that look similar to humans walk out. Speaking perfect English, the aliens make a proposition to the Johnsons to trade partners for the night to understand human sexual behavior. The Johnsons, curious of what the experience woul...

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There’s a blond, redhead, and brunette on a cliff.

The cliff is magical, only granting a specific type of wish under certain conditions. You must jump off the cliff, and you are able to become anything you wish, but you must say it while falling.

The brunette jumps off the cliff and yells, “bird!” She becomes a beautiful dove, and flies awa...

There's a man, a student, a pilot and an old man on a luxury plane when the pilot announces that the plane is malfunctioning and it will certainly crash

The pilot says - there are 3 parachutes, 1 off us will die.

The pilot and the man take one each, and jump off.

The old man says to the student - I have lived my life, you take the one that's left.

The kid says - We will both live.

"How?" Asks the old man

"The m...

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A 16-year old boy is taking his girlfriend out on a date

When he picks her up at her parent's house, her dad invites him in and they chit chat while she's getting ready. The dad asks him about their plans for tonight. "We're going to the bowling alley first and afterwards a movie", the boy answers. "When I was your age, I was the very best at bowling", th...

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Two kids are watching their parents get ready for a family get together…

They overhear the mom and dad talking and they hear them say “that judgy cunt and pompous asshole” while the parents are talking in their bedroom. They ask, what does judgy cunt and pompous asshole mean? The mom, surprised and unaware to their presence, says, “oh never mind that sweethearts, that’s ...

Did you hear about the guy who had a crash in his land rover autobiography?

They say the car wrote itself off

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A Banana walks into a bar

He sits down and orders an alcoholic beverage. The bartender brings the banana his beverage and the banana begins to drink the beverage. Then a beautiful cucumber enters the bar and sits by the banana. The banana is quite taken by the cucumber. He asks if she’d like to go with him to the bathroom fo...

Dropped off a small meal to the lady next door with questionable morals. Let’s be kind to our neighbors, y’all.

Just a little food for thot.

My cup is full & running over

A man is walking on a beach in Galway. He comes across an old lamp. He picks it up and rubs the dirt off it. Lo and behold, a genie appears. The genie tells him a sad tale of how he's been trapped in the lamp since the days of the Kemat empire. Also tells him, he'd promised 3 wishes to any one who f...

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule"  as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator....

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A parrot swallows one of his owner’s Viagra tablets.

His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer for 30 minutes to cool off.

Later, when he opens the freezer door, he finds the parrot sweating. “Why are you sweating?” he asks.

The parrot replies, “Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?”

What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say you’re sorry!

(Works best verbally)

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter.

My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.

I know, says the second owner.<...

Jack got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,

"Can I buy you a drink?" He asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," Jack assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after ...

A spy has infiltrated an enemy military base in search of illegal weapons. His coordinates for the expected weapons are a little off and he ends up in the ventilation shaft above the toilets. Command contacts him and asks if he’s found anything incriminating yet.

He replies hastily.. “Well, possibly something biological and I don’t see any missiles but.. I C BMs.”

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A man walked into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat.

A man walked into a pub with an ostrich and a pussy cat.

He walked up the the bar and said "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whiskey for the cat."

They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

After they finished their drinks, it was the ostrich's turn to buy a round.<...

"John, bad news. Your mother-in-law died."

John is told that his mother-in-law has died. He removes the cross with Jesus from the wall and begins to take Jesus off the cross with a screwdriver. Family asks him: "What the hell are you doing?" John say: "Jesus set me free, and I'll set him free!"

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A businessman was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

So he went to a sex shop and started looking around. He goes up to the clerk and explains his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, strap ons, eggs, bullets, wing-wangers and fling-flongers..."

The Businessman in...

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Guys, I used to date a stripper, and let me tell you something...

this lady could get the paint off your walls in no time

Moses, Jesus and the Old Man

One day, Moses, Jesus and a old man were playing golf. They got to a water hole, and Moses was up to tee off first. So, he took his shot, and it landed squarely in the water. But Moses parted the water, took another shot, and landed next to the cup.
Jesus was up next, and his shot ended up ...

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The sailor and the pirate

One day, a sailor met a pirate. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eyepatch. The sailor asked the pirate, “How did you get your peg leg?” The pirate replied, “Aargh, a whale bit me leg off.” Next, the sailor asked, “How did you get your hook?” The pirate replied, “Me crew was in a battle with ...

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”

Her neighbor replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”

She says Well, ...

An Englishman, Frenchman, American and Mexican are on a plane…

Plane starts going down and the pilot yells “we need to cast off weight to make a landing but there is only one parachute!”

So the Brit decides to be valiant and be the first to jump. “God save the Queen!” and he jumps out.

The Frenchman follows suit: “Vive le France!” and out he goes....

A highway patrol officer...

A highway patrol officer pulls over a car going 35mph on the freeway. He walks up to the driver and sees a sweet old lady behind the wheel. Patrol officer asks the old lady why she was driving so slow, and the old lady responds that she was sure she was following the speed limit. She gestures toward...

Karen

Police arrested two Karens yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other off.

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A drunk guy walks into a bar...

A drunk man walks into the bar all messed up and says “Bartender, get me a drink quick!” The bartender says, “What’s your problem” The drunk mumbles, “Well I was standin on the corner, minding my business, all of a sudden, big truck came by and knocked my dong off into the gutter!” Bartender says, “...

What do you call a store where you negotiate for off-the-book shrimp transactions?

A Prawn Shop


(I know, I know, it's a dumb one but it made me laugh)

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Hello! Mr. Hussein?

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam...

What's a clock when you take the batteries out?

Ticked off.

Was just thinking that if I shaved and shined my scalp and stood out in the sun, I could blind passersby or start a fire.

Just some random reflections off the top of my head.

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A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot ...

A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot.

One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak...

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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy . it releases dopamine and reduces stress . improves prostate and cardiovascular health ...

and i still got thrown off the bus

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

A young man named Benny was a real party animal.

He lived for the good times of wine, women, and song. He wished he could continue his life style forever. A genie suddenly appeared before him and made him the following wish: Benny would remain forever young if he would never shave. If he were ever to shave the genie would return and transform him ...

A guy is drinking real hard at the bar one night...

even though he promised his wife he won’t because he always gets too drunk. After many drinks he decided it’s time to go. He pays his tab and pushes himself off of the bar stool. He lands face first on the floor. So he pulled himself back up onto the bar stool. After a few minutes and a cup of coffe...

A man gets a flat tire outside the fence of an insane asylum.

While he's changing the tire he sees a patient on the other side of the fence observing him so he hurries. He gets the flat off and puts the spare on, but since he was rushing to get out of there, he accidentally drops all 4 lug nuts down a drain. While he's standing there staring at the spare wit...

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