UPJOKE
beplaceputreposesleepliestayslumberbreakpausestandkeepposepositionset

Rest in peace boiling water

You will soon be mist

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting ...

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

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80% of people masturbate in the shower, the rest sings a very specific song. Do you know what song that is?

No? Then I know what you’re doing in the shower

Me as a server in a restaurant: "Do you wanna box for the rest of this food?"

Guest says yes, so I start to put on my gloves

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Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base...

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It's quite urgent**

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What do you call the space between the vagina and asshole?

The chin rest

When I was younger one of my favorite jokes to tell was about a 4,000 lb. elephant. I tried to convert it to metric to share with the rest of the world.

But, it never got a laugh. Just these looks of mass confusion.

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "it would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little plano. The piano man starts pla...

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Employee: Sir, you called me? Boss: Yeah, go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee: (After few mins)... done sir.
Boss: Do it again.
Employee: Done again, sir.
Boss: Do it once more
Employee: Now I don't have stamina for it, sir.
Boss: Very good,here are my car keys, drop my daughter at home.

Rest in Peace

A well known Hollywood actress died in an accident and her numerous friends got together to hire the country's highest paid poet to compose an epitaph for her.

When the stone was laid across the top, it read:

"At last, she sleeps alone."

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life…

unless I buy something.

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

Brazilian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell...

There, he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another...

With a pile of 300 resumes on his desk and a need to pick someone quickly, my boss told me to make calls on 50 and toss the rest.

“Throw away 250 resumes?” I asked, shocked. “What if the best candidates are in there?”

He thought for a moment and said, *“You have a point but then again, I don’t need people with bad luck around here.”*

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

When I was young, I thought rich people bought Bose products and the rest of us had to settle for Sony.

Turns out — that was just a stereotype.

a man had travelled all day , and stoped at an inn to rest for a few days

man: "what are the rates for a room with 1 bed ? "
Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed."
man: "I'll make my own bed."
Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

My friend got really mad..

My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that..

An old man was attending his wife's funeral. The preacher walked up to him and said, "May she rest in peace."

The man replied, "I don't know about her, but I certainly will."

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Namaste

So my wife recently took up Yoga. I came home one evening to find her on her mat doing ~~Shavanna~~ ~~Shashimi~~ ~~Shavashashanana~~ the pose where you lie on your back with your eyes closed meditating or more likely snoring gently. I pulled down my shorts, knelt over her head and rested my testicle...

I want to be a doctor as the rest of my family.

“No one in your family is a doctor”

“No but they want to be”

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe, they didn...

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he c...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the

tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't

understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."<...

The Pope and Putin are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans over to Putin and says, “Do you know, that with one wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts for the rest of their lives, and whenever they speak of thi...

A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.

One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.

They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out ...

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There was once a man with a very long penis,

it was so long that he needed a surgery to end his suffering. so he made an appointment and and got a doctor to do the surgery.
Several days later the guy has done his surgery and now is recovering in the hospital.
So he asks his doctor how did he cut it
The doctor answers “i cut 170 cm and...

Good reason for a divorce?

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have a couple of acres outside the town, but it does have a big lawn and some fruit trees so it's not like empty ground."

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, ...

awkward situation growing up

when he was 15 years old, his friend gave him condoms, just as a prank but he put the condoms aside, because he was only 15.

him and his friends were learning karate from a friend Mike, Mike was a black belt in Karate the rest of them learning from him were beginner yellow belts.

his ...

One day the teacher is giving a lesson in class…

“There are three birds on a wire. If a hunter shoots one, how many are left?”
The teacher calls on little Johnny.
“None.” he says.
“No, but try again.” The teacher says
“None.” Johnny says again “Because if you shoot one, the rest will get scared and fly away.”
The teacher says “N...

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

The three most well-known spy agencies are the CIA, KGB, and MI5.

The rest are good.

The story of how I met Mr Ache.

There once was a man, funnier than anybody else. People knew him as Mr Ache. Some would travel from far and wide to learn the art of telling a joke from this guy. He might just have been the funniest guy who ever lived.

One day, I decided I wanted to make a post on r/Jokes. I packed up my thi...

Area 51

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months...

Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The...

Widow at the funeral

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attenders left, Sam's wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend, Sadie, and said: "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right" replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hope...

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"O...

What did the gamer say when they were told they had to spend the next year inside their home, physically isolated from the rest of the world?

What's the catch?

New York City is like Linux

* Spend the first year re-learning how to perform basic tasks
* Spend the rest of your lifetime claiming how much better it is
* Bad drivers

Source: @ chromakode on Twitter

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I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night, he hypnotized 7 guys then he accidentally dropped the mic on his foot and yelled “FUCK ME”,
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life

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A Duck Hunter gets stopped by a Game Warden

The Warden picks up a duck from his sack, sticks his finger in his butt then sniffs it, and says, "This duck is from Mississippi. You gotta license to hunt duck in Mississippi, son?" Yes Sir yes sir, here you go. (Hands him the license and he looks at it then hands it back) It all checked out. <...

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

What's the difference between a point in a distribution whose value is much higher than the rest and Boris Johnson?

One is an outlier to the right, the other is an outright liar.

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

A fella asks his wife if he's the only one she's been with.

"Yes. All the rest were nines or tens."

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Chinese torture

A man is driving through the country at night when his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farm, a big 3 story farmhouse, and when he knocks on the door and old chinese man answers. "I'm sorry to bother you sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road. Would it be alright with you if s...

They won't be serving beer for the rest of the year at Chicago Cubs baseball games.

They lost the opener.

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Three prisoners are being transported to the prison where they will spend the rest of their lives. On the way there they have a chat about the things they're taking with them.

The first prisoner says:

- I've got a drawing kit. When I'm behind bars, I want to spend the rest of my life making art.

The second says:

- I've got cards. Now I can play stuff like poker, blackjack or bridge.

The third one says:

- And I've got a box of tampons....

Chicken

BORROWED

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields....

How did the small bear looking creature get home after his vehicle died?

Ewok'd the rest of the way.

A Mathematician, an Economist, and an Accountant are getting trashed at a bar...

Worried that they are getting too drunk, the bartender walks up to them to ask a simple question. What's 5 + 5?

The Mathematician, surprised at such a simple question answers it's 10 and always 10 that's just math.

The bartender looks at the Economist.

The Economist thinks ab...

I treat every day like I'm running a marathon tomorrow...

I load up on carbs, rest and don't run.

The rest of my class complained when we were told we're getting the Classical Civilisation class, but I don't understand why.

It's such an interesting topic. I've always wanted to learn about my parents' childhood.

If you had to spend the rest of your (human) lifespan as an invertebrate, which would you be?

Me, a politician.

I'm rich!

A guy walks into a bar on New Year's Eve and orders a glass of champagne. "It's finally happened!" he exclaims. "I've made enough money that I don't have to work for the rest of the year!"

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I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandpa’s dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

So a man walks into a coffee house late in the afternoon and asks for a tall drink with 4 shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk.

The barista looks at him lightly concerned and she says,

Are you sure sir? That’s a latte coffee.

Neighbor lady stormed over and woke me up resting in the shade on a hot summer day

While my wife was mowing sweat pouring. And started yelling saying I needed to be hung.

I said I am that’s why she’s the one mowing.

A few bananas are planning a heist

Right before they leap into action, they decide to run through the process again so all bananas know what they're doing.

Firstly, two bananas will be creating a distraction a distance away from the heist. Then, the rest of the bananas will scatter to confuse the enemy and start the heist.
...

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My girlfriend said to me "would you rather give up chocolate or blow jobs for the rest of your life?"

I said "definitely blowjobs, they hurt my jaw and throat after a while"

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Wife or Golf

A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began with an eagle and followed it with a birdie on the second hole.
On the third hole, he scored his first-ever hole-in-one, and just as he began celebrating his cell phone rang…
It was a doctor in the local ER notifying hi...

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

Imagine if the rest of the world changed from Kilograms to Pounds overnight

There would be a mass confusion

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One day a group of terrorists took over a small village...

I fully acknowledge I first read this joke on Reddit many years ago. But since I haven't seen it posted in a long time, and it's been one of my favorite jokes, I'll give my best retelling of it-

So one day a group of terrorists took over a small village in the middle east. And being the evi...

Two young Russian conscripts in Ukraine approach a platoon of Ukranian fighters to surrender.

They approach with their hands in the air, and their weapons holstered.

"We come to surrender. Our truck is out of fuel and broken down. The rest of our troops are miles away, and none of the gas trucks or repair technicians will be available for days. We are stranded."

The Ukrainian f...

A Round of Golf

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, *"Say, we're about even...

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Decided to visit my Gran.

I walked in and found her sucking Grandad's cock.

I was outraged but she told me to calm down, saying that it was only natural.

I told her it wasn't and they should have buried it with the rest of him.

My chiropractor and I got into a terrible fight in the middle of my neck treatment.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

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A guy is on a show, and says he can tell a woman's age by fondling her breasts and vagina

They blindfold him, bring him to a row of 10 women, and the host wishes him good luck.

So the guy starts fondling the first woman, takes his time, and says: "41 years old".

He goes on to the next, and, again, is very thorough, but after about 5 minutes says: "22".

This goes on ...

The Old Macaw

A man goes to a pet store looking for a fun pet for his family. There are the typical candidates, kittens, puppies, fish, hamsters, but off in the corner is an old macaw. He asks the owner what the deal is, and the owner replies that the macaw has actually been adopted several times, but he always g...

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms out there

And to the rest of you mother f\*\*kers.

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A man is resting on a Saturday

A man is resting on a Saturday when his wife comes in, wakes him up and tells him she needs laundry detergent.
He reluctantly gets up, gets dressed and exits his apartment on the 10th floor. He presses the elevator button only to find out it’s broken, he goes down the stairs and goes to the supe...

Brittan decided that they will started driving on the right side of the road just like the rest of the world.

To eas people into this transition they will start with busses and trucks this week and normal cars next month.

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I'm not a fan of elevator sex, its too quick.

I mean... what are you supposed to do for the rest of the ride?

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. For this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: “You rest here while I register – I’ll be back within an hour.”

So, his wife lies down on the bed…and just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor....

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

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A man wanted to marry 3 women, so he developed a test to see which was the most fit.

he decided to give them each 10,000 dollars to see what they did.

the first women got plastic surgery and told him, “Look, I made myself extremely beautiful just for you!”

the second bought him many gifts and said, “Look! I have given you all the gifts I can!”

the third invested...

I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest $50 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs

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After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room.

Since he didn't want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The world's strongest weight lifter," and left it under his glass.

When he returned from making his pit stop, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said

"Thanks for the treat...

Drink

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.
He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"

The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he r...

The man who rests on his laurels…

….is wearing them in the wrong place.

— Harold Coffin

Why was the runner in the marathon stopped and taken to jail?

He was resisting a rest.
Sorry, it's a running joke in my family.

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

Why did the tree take a nap?

For rest

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My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first timer questions.

One day, a guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have before we hit the ground?

Our instructor looked at him and in a perfect deadpan voice, answered, "The rest of your life."

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Black.

A white man in his thirties decides he has put on too much weight during lockdown so he joins the local gym, he arrives for his first session, only to find that the rest of the group are big, muscular black guys, after a bit of gentle ribbing, they show him how to use the equipment and help him comp...

What do you call it when you fail to break your addiction to mid-day rests?

Re-naps

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A woman was resting in the hospital after giving birth.

As she watched the Doctor and nurses clean up her baby she noticed a look of concern on the doctor's face.

"Is my baby okay doctor?" she asked.

"Well," the doctor replied, "there's nothing wrong per se. Your baby is otherwise healthy. It's just that we've discovered your baby is inters...

My math teacher told me I would be stuck working at McDonalds for the rest of my life

Jokes on her, I'm lovin' it

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Working on an offshore oil rig.

So the new guy is being shown around the offshore oil rig. And while being fascinated by the ship and machinery, he nervously asks the old-timer, "We're going to be out here for over month, and I don't see any women. Not one. What do we when we get horny?"

The old timer nods knowingly and ...

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Remember, there’s a simple mnemonic device to remember month length: “30 days hath September; April, June, and November. All the rest have 31,

Excepting February, who can fuck off, son.
Pay the same bills but get less time
And guess if you get 28 or 29.”

“He gently slid her panties to the side

so he could fit the rest of the socks in her drawer.”

Whenever an ant gets injured, instead of helping, the rest of the colony just leaves it to die. It’s like the old saying goes:

If an ant broke, dont fix it

build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for the night…

set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in f...

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A mother of 100 children makes lunches for them for school.

She pulls out 5 bags of sliced bread and several spreads. She spreads butter on 12 of the bread slices, jam on 8 of them, peanut butter on 18, nutella on 12, more butter on 21 of them, nutella again on 6, jam on 3, and peanut butter on the rest of them. What did she spread the most?

Her legs!

An old guy was sitting eating at a local truck stop...

when three big, burly bikers walked in. The first stubbed his cigarette out in the old guy's pie, the second walked past and spat in his coffee, and the last flipped the guy's plate over, tipping the rest of his meal everywhere.

The old guy didn't say a word. He just got up and slowly walked...

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Ok r/askreddit if you had to give up video games or blow jobs for the rest of your life what would you choose?

Edit: Yea guys I'd pick blow jobs too, they hurt my jaw

I don't know about the rest of you, but to me the word "exclusive"...

...means only one thing.

Lady Mary strolled down the path to where the young gardener was pruning the roses

"Hello, Thomas."

"Good morning, Your Ladyship."

"You know, Thomas, ever since you've come to work for us, I've been afraid that you would force me to kiss you," she said, conversationally.

"Oh, Your Ladyship, how could I do that with a pair of secateurs in one hand and a bag of ...

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

Trying this sub as not going down well on sub Funny. Is it too dark?

So my friend punched me today after catching me sniffing his sisters knickers. She was still in them at the time so i cant complain really.


Apparently it made the rest of her funeral awkward though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Island life

A man got a nice new high performance boat for seafaring. On his maiden voyage, he decided to take his two most trusty companions, his dog and his goat.

While at sea, a massive storm hits, and man, dog, and goat end up stranded on a desert island. The man finds wood and builds shelter, fishes...

The Captain called the Sergeant in.

"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, rep...

Today in front of the Golden Gate Bridge, a Chinese couple gave me their very good camera as a present.

The rest I didn't understand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny was sitting in class when his teacher starts asking the class words for each letter of the alphabet.

asking the class words for each letter of the alphabet. She starts with A and little Johnny hand shoots up. The teacher thinks he is going to say ass I can't call on him. She calls on another student and she says.

"Apple. I gave my teacher an apple."

Teacher responds good job and moves...

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