Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

I heard the Greta Van Fleet had to cancel the rest of their US tour. The lead singer pulled his hernia.

From lifting too many Led Zeppelin songs.

I’m not sure you should have gone to that concert during our vacation in Europe, you lost your hearing for the rest of the trip! Are you sure it was worth it?

Deaf in Italy.

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Give him a poisoned fish and you will feed him for the rest of his life.

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

Paddy O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

Paddy O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did...

A man driving all night needed some rest..

A man driving all night needed some rest and decided to pull over on the side of the road to get some shut eye. Not long after he goes to sleep there is a loud banging at the window. The man jumps up and rolls down his window, outside is a jogger running in place in front of his window.

"E...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say “What you do on New Years, you do the rest of the year”

So I’m gonna waste my time posting shitty jokes to Reddit

The man who created autocorrect has died.

Restaurant in peace.

Russia really want to invade Finland so they can rest

As they would cross the Finnish line.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was 10, a genie gave me two choices: either your dick grows to be massive, or you will have an amazing memory for the rest of your life.

And for the life of me, I can't remember what I chose...

My son asked me why I only let him play Sim creation screen of the Sims but not the rest

I told him, 'It's character building.'

A guy comes home from the doctors crying, his wife says why are you crying honey,he said the doctor has put me on tablets for the rest of my life, wife says hey that's not so bad, husband replies.

He has only given me three tablets.

I was extremely tired and walked into a police officer the other day.

Ended up being guilty of resisting a rest.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The wizard and the monkey and the alligator.

A wizard is walking through the forest when he stumbles on to a monkey in a tree. The wizard asks what the monkey is doing and the monkey replies nothing just chilling smoking this joint. The monkey then asks if the wizard would like to join. The wizard does. After smoking the joint the wizard gets...

Doctor: You have to take these pills for the rest of your life.

Patient: but there's only four pills in here doctor...

Doctor: Exactly.

This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge?

The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.

What did the rest of the periodic table say as gold went home at the end of the day?

Au revoir!

A guy walks into a bar holding an alligator. He gently rests it on the counter, and takes a seat.

“You can’t bring that in here!” the bartender exclaimed, motioning for the man to leave.
“Aw, he’s completely harmless, won’t hurt a fly I promise!” replied the owner of the alligator.
The bartender was not amused and again insisted that the man leave.
“Alright,” said the man standing up...

My friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them... Or because the rest of the family was there... Either way, it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.

Light a fire for a man, he will be warm for the rest of the day...

Set man on fire, and he will stay warm for the rest of his life.

Why is the letter "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet?

Because all the other letters are Not-Cs

What did Canada say to the rest of the world??

.....we are higher than all of you!!!

I wasn't feeling very well so my doc told me to drink plenty of fluids and get lots of rest.

So I drank till I passed out.

The good news is that you have enough cash in your wallet to last you for the rest of your life.

The bad news is, your wallet is empty.

Rest in peace, garlic.

You will be minced.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Taliban and The Jew

A fleeing Taliban fighter, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.  Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis,only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"...

Police officers have been playing Pokemon Go a lot longer than the rest y'all have...

'Gotta catch Jamal'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dentist is terrified of women

A dentist's father raised his son alone since his wife had cheated on him. He always told his son to avoid women like the plague.

One day, a beautiful woman is shown in to the dentist's exam room. She is quite flirtatious with the dentist and makes no secret of the fact that she's interested....

UN conducts a survey worldwide

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
<...

Rest in peace boiling water,

You will be mist.

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure. The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Swiss did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of t...

What's the difference between /r/jokes and the rest of reddit?

The rest of reddit has actual funny jokes.

If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open don't panic

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife asked if I would rather give up cheese or blow jobs for the rest of my life.

Bye filatio!

It's pretty crazy to think that I'm only 25 and have enough money to last me the rest of my life

....assuming I died within the next 15 minutes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Went to work on a farm in Scotland. One my first night there, I was trying to fit in with the rest of the help.

They told me that one their break, they all take turns fucking the sheep. I didn't want to fuck any sheep, but I really wanted to fit in. First break, I swallow my pride, find a sheep, pull down my pants, and start at it. I turn around and see all the Scotsman at the farm laughing at me. Trying ...

TIL France got a different version of The Force Awakens than the rest of the world.

While the international version ends with Rey and Luke, the French version ends with fin.

My Uncle said he didn't need to breathe for the rest of his life. I said that it was impossible, he proved me wrong.

He stopped breathing for 10 minutes and died. I owe him 20$.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

"We're going to be together for the rest of our lives!" smiled my wife as we flew on our dream vacation to Hawaii...

"You seem pretty sure of yourself." I replied.

"I am!" she said, gazing out the window. "The left wing's fallen off and the engine's on fire."

A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.

The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"


"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.


"How'd you manage th...

I've got my own private jet...

...but the rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my mom.

Assist is 50% the letter "S"...

The rest are just there to help.

Three Bedoins are arguing over a will...

Three brothers are told that their father had left one half of his property to his eldest son, one third to the second, and one sixth to the third.

All was going well until they go to their father's camels. Their father left 19 camels, which doesn't divide by 2,3 or 6. They argued and argued ...

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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Studies show that 98.9% of men masturbate

The rest don't have arms.

Rest in Peace - Ron B. U.C. Berkeley

A man is holding his wife's hand as she lays on her death bed.

"Jerry, I, . . ., I have something to tell you before I pass on."

"No, no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well."

"No, Jerry. I've been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you. I, . . ., I'v...

Why do dominatrixes get so much beauty rest

They just love to hit the sack

70% of men whack off in the shower. The rest of them sing. You know what they sing?

...No, I didn't think you did.

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes ...

To the rest of us, "solutions" mean finding answers.

But to chemists, "solutions" are when things are still mixed up.

My daughter asked if I am going to die someday...

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

Redditors ABCs

Ctrl+c ctrl+v. Why would you need the rest of the ABCs?

How do you keep Trump busy for the rest of his term?

Tell him his twitter phone is in the corner of his office.

In my hometown, a barber got arrested for selling drugs.

Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

What does WebMD have in common with the rest of the internet?

They think everything is cancer.

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...