The UN decided to do a worldwide survey and the only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.<...

Doctor: I have bad news for you. You’ll have to take one of these pills for the rest of your life.

Patient: But... Doctor... you had given me only three pills!?

Doctor: I told you it was bad news.

.

.

.

.











*Edit: I can’t correct the title but it should say “... take one of these pills **each day** for the rest o...

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Ah, this one got me good :D

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

People say it couldnt be done, but I have worked at McDonald's for 20 years and I have enough saved to live off of for the rest of my life.

If I die before before next month.

Rest in peace, dense water vapour.

You will be mist.

God: We should let these “humans” have time to rest.

Angel: Agreed

God: How about we have them go to sleep at night?

Angel: That sounds good! But how will they go to sleep?

God: That’s easy. We make them pretend to go to sleep for a few minutes, before it actually works and then they fall asleep.

Angel: ....

Why does KFC not have any toilet paper in their rest rooms?

Everything is finger licking good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Men start their lives coming out a vagina and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in

If you’re a C-section baby, you’re even further behind the curve

In Laughter, the L comes first

The rest of the letters come aughter it.

What would Roman soldiers rest their heads on when they slept?

The same thing they used to carry their javelins: a pila case.

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

In the rest of the world it’s the end of May, but in the UK it’s looking like

Ah wait no this doesn’t work any more

An inspector is going around the village, reviewing all the arrow-makers and their products. When the inspector reaches John the arrow-maker John tells him: "You know, these arrows are probably the worst in town. I'm really bad at putting the feathers on the end. I'm decent at the rest though."

The inspector looks up and replies: "Weird fletch but ok"

So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.

Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

What do you call Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie and the rest of The Rebellion at the beginning of a rugby match?

Rebel Scrum

The calorific value of gasoline is so high that 2.4 litres of it will power you for the rest of your life..

The whole 48 hours of it.

One day I stole $200 out of my mother's purse. My mother found out and was too hysterical to talk to me so she sent my father. He walked in, and I knew I was done for. He says "son, we know you stole $200 from your mother. But, rest assured, I'm not mad...I'm disappointed."

I replied...."Hi disappointed, I'm Dad!"



And that's when the fight started

If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don't panic.

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

• Soothe your boobs
• Hakuna your tatas
• Give that rack a rest
• Don’t have a rack attack

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

^(Disclaimer: Don't try this at home.)

Driving down a highway,I saw a sign that said "rest area 25 miles."

I thought to myself "wow,that's pretty big"

( Stolen from Steven Wright)

What's the difference between a r/twoxchromosomes post, and the rest of Reddit?

About 2000 words.

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.

“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.



“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say “What you do on New Years, you do the rest of the year”

So I’m gonna waste my time posting shitty jokes to Reddit

A man driving all night needed some rest..

A man driving all night needed some rest and decided to pull over on the side of the road to get some shut eye. Not long after he goes to sleep there is a loud banging at the window. The man jumps up and rolls down his window, outside is a jogger running in place in front of his window.

"E...

The man who created autocorrect has died.

Restaurant in peace.

I heard the Greta Van Fleet had to cancel the rest of their US tour. The lead singer pulled his hernia.

From lifting too many Led Zeppelin songs.

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 10, a genie gave me two choices: either your dick grows to be massive, or you will have an amazing memory for the rest of your life.

And for the life of me, I can't remember what I chose...

Russia really want to invade Finland so they can rest

As they would cross the Finnish line.

Why is the letter "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet?

Because all the other letters are Not-Cs

My son asked me why I only let him play Sim creation screen of the Sims but not the rest

I told him, 'It's character building.'

A guy comes home from the doctors crying, his wife says why are you crying honey,he said the doctor has put me on tablets for the rest of my life, wife says hey that's not so bad, husband replies.

He has only given me three tablets.

I was extremely tired and walked into a police officer the other day.

Ended up being guilty of resisting a rest.

This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge?

The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wizard and the monkey and the alligator.

A wizard is walking through the forest when he stumbles on to a monkey in a tree. The wizard asks what the monkey is doing and the monkey replies nothing just chilling smoking this joint. The monkey then asks if the wizard would like to join. The wizard does. After smoking the joint the wizard gets...

A guy walks into a bar holding an alligator. He gently rests it on the counter, and takes a seat.

“You can’t bring that in here!” the bartender exclaimed, motioning for the man to leave.
“Aw, he’s completely harmless, won’t hurt a fly I promise!” replied the owner of the alligator.
The bartender was not amused and again insisted that the man leave.
“Alright,” said the man standing up...

A man and a woman are out to dinner at a fancy restaurant

Right around when the appetizers they hear a loud sound like galloping hooves on the marble floor.

They both turn to see a half-man half-horse jogging around the restaurant

Eventually it stops running and stands at attention.

They stare

A loud trumpet sounds and the Head ...

What did the rest of the periodic table say as gold went home at the end of the day?

Au revoir!

Back in the 70's, when the lead singer of the Who had a mental breakdown, the rest of the band wanted him committed...

...but his psychiatrist refused to do it because it says in the bible, "Thou Shalt Not Commit A Daltrey."

My friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them... Or because the rest of the family was there... Either way, it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.

What did Canada say to the rest of the world??

.....we are higher than all of you!!!

I wasn't feeling very well so my doc told me to drink plenty of fluids and get lots of rest.

So I drank till I passed out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dentist is terrified of women

A dentist's father raised his son alone since his wife had cheated on him. He always told his son to avoid women like the plague.

One day, a beautiful woman is shown in to the dentist's exam room. She is quite flirtatious with the dentist and makes no secret of the fact that she's interested....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

An older man wants to buy a farm to spend the rest of his time on.

He visits multiple ones which are all very beautiful and once he has a chat with the owner. The farm is very beautiful but you know I am afraid of bees and your 3 colonies at the end of the property would seriously make me feel worried. The farmer replies that the man shouldn't worry about the bees ...

Police officers have been playing Pokemon Go a lot longer than the rest y'all have...

'Gotta catch Jamal'

The good news is that you have enough cash in your wallet to last you for the rest of your life.

The bad news is, your wallet is empty.

TIL France got a different version of The Force Awakens than the rest of the world.

While the international version ends with Rey and Luke, the French version ends with fin.

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

It's pretty crazy to think that I'm only 25 and have enough money to last me the rest of my life

....assuming I died within the next 15 minutes.

Assist is 50% the letter "S"...

The rest are just there to help.

My Uncle said he didn't need to breathe for the rest of his life. I said that it was impossible, he proved me wrong.

He stopped breathing for 10 minutes and died. I owe him 20$.

After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest.

He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he’ll get Kanye Dressed with his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest. Then to school to take his Kanye Test. He forgot to brush his teeth. Did he run out of Kanye Crest? His ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked if I would rather give up cheese or blow jobs for the rest of my life.

Bye filatio!

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure. The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Swiss did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of t...

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

They say a good nights rest can get rid of a headache...

If you ask my parents they’d say it doesn’t do anything.

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

"We're going to be together for the rest of our lives!" smiled my wife as we flew on our dream vacation to Hawaii...

"You seem pretty sure of yourself." I replied.

"I am!" she said, gazing out the window. "The left wing's fallen off and the engine's on fire."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to work on a farm in Scotland. One my first night there, I was trying to fit in with the rest of the help.

They told me that one their break, they all take turns fucking the sheep. I didn't want to fuck any sheep, but I really wanted to fit in. First break, I swallow my pride, find a sheep, pull down my pants, and start at it. I turn around and see all the Scotsman at the farm laughing at me. Trying ...

A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.

The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"


"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.


"How'd you manage th...

I've got my own private jet...

...but the rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my mom.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.