Rest in peace, boiling water.

You will be mist.

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don't panic.

You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

^(Disclaimer: Don't try this at home.)

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.

“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.

​

“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say “What you do on New Years, you do the rest of the year”

So I’m gonna waste my time posting shitty jokes to Reddit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

• Soothe your boobs
• Hakuna your tatas
• Give that rack a rest
• Don’t have a rack attack

What's the difference between a r/twoxchromosomes post, and the rest of Reddit?

About 2000 words.

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

A man driving all night needed some rest..

A man driving all night needed some rest and decided to pull over on the side of the road to get some shut eye. Not long after he goes to sleep there is a loud banging at the window. The man jumps up and rolls down his window, outside is a jogger running in place in front of his window.

"E...

Paddy O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

Paddy O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did...

Russia really want to invade Finland so they can rest

As they would cross the Finnish line.

A man and a woman are out to dinner at a fancy restaurant

Right around when the appetizers they hear a loud sound like galloping hooves on the marble floor.

They both turn to see a half-man half-horse jogging around the restaurant

Eventually it stops running and stands at attention.

They stare

A loud trumpet sounds and the Head ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was 10, a genie gave me two choices: either your dick grows to be massive, or you will have an amazing memory for the rest of your life.

And for the life of me, I can't remember what I chose...

The man who created autocorrect has died.

Restaurant in peace.

My son asked me why I only let him play Sim creation screen of the Sims but not the rest

I told him, 'It's character building.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The wizard and the monkey and the alligator.

A wizard is walking through the forest when he stumbles on to a monkey in a tree. The wizard asks what the monkey is doing and the monkey replies nothing just chilling smoking this joint. The monkey then asks if the wizard would like to join. The wizard does. After smoking the joint the wizard gets...

I was extremely tired and walked into a police officer the other day.

Ended up being guilty of resisting a rest.

Doctor: You have to take these pills for the rest of your life.

Patient: but there's only four pills in here doctor...

Doctor: Exactly.

A guy comes home from the doctors crying, his wife says why are you crying honey,he said the doctor has put me on tablets for the rest of my life, wife says hey that's not so bad, husband replies.

He has only given me three tablets.

This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge?

The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.

Why is the letter "C" afraid of the rest of the alphabet?

Because all the other letters are Not-Cs

A guy walks into a bar holding an alligator. He gently rests it on the counter, and takes a seat.

“You can’t bring that in here!” the bartender exclaimed, motioning for the man to leave.
“Aw, he’s completely harmless, won’t hurt a fly I promise!” replied the owner of the alligator.
The bartender was not amused and again insisted that the man leave.
“Alright,” said the man standing up...

My friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them... Or because the rest of the family was there... Either way, it made the rest of the funeral really awkward.

Stan Lee, may be rest in peace, will forever be known as the creative genius behind Marvel.

Sadly, all good things come to an end. As his left this universe, and passed on to the next, we have no choice to to acknowledge that he is DCseased.

What did the rest of the periodic table say as gold went home at the end of the day?

Au revoir!

What did Canada say to the rest of the world??

.....we are higher than all of you!!!

I wasn't feeling very well so my doc told me to drink plenty of fluids and get lots of rest.

So I drank till I passed out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Taliban and The Jew

A fleeing Taliban fighter, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.  Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis,only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dentist is terrified of women

A dentist's father raised his son alone since his wife had cheated on him. He always told his son to avoid women like the plague.

One day, a beautiful woman is shown in to the dentist's exam room. She is quite flirtatious with the dentist and makes no secret of the fact that she's interested....

Police officers have been playing Pokemon Go a lot longer than the rest y'all have...

'Gotta catch Jamal'

UN conducts a survey worldwide

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
<...

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure. The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Swiss did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of t...

After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest.

He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he’ll get Kanye Dressed with his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest. Then to school to take his Kanye Test. He forgot to brush his teeth. Did he run out of Kanye Crest? His ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife asked if I would rather give up cheese or blow jobs for the rest of my life.

Bye filatio!

It's pretty crazy to think that I'm only 25 and have enough money to last me the rest of my life

....assuming I died within the next 15 minutes.

TIL France got a different version of The Force Awakens than the rest of the world.

While the international version ends with Rey and Luke, the French version ends with fin.

My Uncle said he didn't need to breathe for the rest of his life. I said that it was impossible, he proved me wrong.

He stopped breathing for 10 minutes and died. I owe him 20$.

I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working...

... as long as I die on Thursday.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents?

Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

Assist is 50% the letter "S"...

The rest are just there to help.

"We're going to be together for the rest of our lives!" smiled my wife as we flew on our dream vacation to Hawaii...

"You seem pretty sure of yourself." I replied.

"I am!" she said, gazing out the window. "The left wing's fallen off and the engine's on fire."

Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...

I don’t remember the rest.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Went to work on a farm in Scotland. One my first night there, I was trying to fit in with the rest of the help.

They told me that one their break, they all take turns fucking the sheep. I didn't want to fuck any sheep, but I really wanted to fit in. First break, I swallow my pride, find a sheep, pull down my pants, and start at it. I turn around and see all the Scotsman at the farm laughing at me. Trying ...

I think Holocaust deniers actually took what happened worse than the rest of us...

I mean, they’re still stuck on the first stage of grief.

A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.

The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"


"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.


"How'd you manage th...

I've got my own private jet...

...but the rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my mom.

Three Bedoins are arguing over a will...

Three brothers are told that their father had left one half of his property to his eldest son, one third to the second, and one sixth to the third.

All was going well until they go to their father's camels. Their father left 19 camels, which doesn't divide by 2,3 or 6. They argued and argued ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Studies show that 98.9% of men masturbate

The rest don't have arms.

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
...

Why do dominatrixes get so much beauty rest

They just love to hit the sack

Rest in Peace - Ron B. U.C. Berkeley

A man is holding his wife's hand as she lays on her death bed.

"Jerry, I, . . ., I have something to tell you before I pass on."

"No, no, dear. Everything is forgiven now. All is well."

"No, Jerry. I've been carrying this load for years now, and I must tell you. I, . . ., I'v...

70% of men whack off in the shower. The rest of them sing. You know what they sing?

...No, I didn't think you did.

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat.
An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. Later, a D comes ...

My daughter asked if I am going to die someday...

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

To the rest of us, "solutions" mean finding answers.

But to chemists, "solutions" are when things are still mixed up.

Men are born from between a women's legs and spend rest of their life to get back between them.

Why?

Because there's no place like home.

How do you keep Trump busy for the rest of his term?

Tell him his twitter phone is in the corner of his office.