Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

A very badly beaten up man came to hospital. Doctor asked what the hell had happened to him.

Man: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said:" It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!".

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

How did the doctor cure the invisible man?

He took him to the ICU

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at h...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old...

Any tips for burying him?

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, the boy tells hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver ...

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...

And he'll colonize your country.

As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.

But he left me hanging.

I got an email from a Nigerian Prince asking me for $100,000 to help him build a business and in return I am promised 10 fold. What does he think I am a fool?

I already invested in a Prince from Qatar for half the price last week. Sucker can’t scam me.

What did the Mexican say when two houses fell on him?

"Get off me homes!"

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week".
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cr...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some asshole knocked on my door today, telling me I needed to be “saved” or else I would “burn”. I told him to fuck off.

Stupid fireman.

When Peter was younger, the local priest told him that he was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

He was touched.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.

The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.


So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops...

A Chinese kid approaches his father and asks him: "Daddy, why do they say we all look alike?"

The man replies: "Actually your father is the one over there"

A man rushes with his dog to the vet, but the doctor tells him the dog is dead

The man doesn’t believe it, so the vet goes to the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows.

“I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The dog s...

My son's math teacher called him average.

I think he's just mean.

I met a homeless duck on the way to work yesterday. We got talking and I asked him how he ended up on the streets...

He said it was because of his nasty quack habit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve. *BANG*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages... And if there are any eggs, take 10”

Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?”
“They had eggs.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asked his wife if she can make him something to eat.

And she replied "Do I look like a fucking cook to you?".

A little later he asked if she has washed his favorite shirt.

She replied "Do I look like a fucking maid to you?"

Some time later the wife left and came home after a few hours. She was surprised to see a beautiful dinner ...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

A Man Buys a New Corvette

While driving it off the lot he decides to take it on the highway and really open things up. He hits the speed limit of 70MPH and continues to accelerate. 75MPH... 80MPH.... and out of nowhere a siren and the flashing lights of a patrol car come into view of his rear-view mirror. Thinking his new ca...

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall...

....turns out it was his dumb asphalt.

Give a man a fish and you’ll feed him for a day.

Poison that fish and you’ll have fed him for the rest of his life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”

What did 50 Cent say when his grandma made him a sweater?

G, you knit?

My husband says I treat him like he’s a god

every meal is a burnt offering.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into an elevator and asks the woman beside him "Can I smell your vagina?"

"No!" She replies. The man sighs with relief "Oh. Then it must be your feet"

JESUS WAS BORED so he went to God, his father and asked him, "Dad, give me something to do, I am bored! "

"Take a file and smooth the top of the Himalayas," said God.
After 7,000 years Jesus came back again. "And now what can I do?" he asked God again.
God gave him a spoon and told him to empty the Indian Ocean.
After 7,000 years, he was back again. "It's done... and now?" he asked God. ...

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

My friend bought a DeLorean, but I never see him drive it.

He brags about it a lot, but I've never seen it leave his garage. I finally asked him "This is cool, but do you ever actually drive it?"

"Sure," he said, "from time to time."

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a small town there's a priest who makes good friends with his congregation. One Sunday, a fisherman invites the priest to go fishing with him.

The next weekend, they get in a boat and spend the day fishing. Unfortunately, neither of them has much luck, until all of a sudden, the priest feels a huge tug in his line. With some help from the fisherman, he reels in what must be a thirty pound largemouth bass.

Forgetting himself, the fis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tomorrow when my roommate asks me for a adderall before he takes his PSY test, I'm gonna give him a viagra.

His exam is gonna be a lot harder than expected.

What did the Mexican say to the professor when he told him to turn in his essay?

“I ain’t no snitch”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a friend that was born without eyelids, his doctor used the foreskin from his circumcision to make him some.

The surgery was a great success, he's just a little cock eyed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend is sexually attracted to inanimate objects, and we rarely get to see him nowadays.

He always has stuff to do.

A black Jewish boy comes home from school. He asks his father "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?"

Father says "why do you wanna know that son?"
Boy says "Well there's a kid selling his bike at school for $50. I wanna know if I should offer him $40 or if I should just steal it."

A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport.

I am now in Ireland starting a new life

So a boy was born, and he was just a head. But his parents took this difficulty in their stride and raised him as well as they could. On the boy's 18th birthday, his father takes him down the pub for his first pint.

He takes the first sip, and out pops his body. Surprised, he takes a second sip, and out pop his arms. The whole pub is cheering him on now. His father has tears of joy streaming down his face. So the boy takes his final sip, and out pop his legs. The boy is so happy that he immediately jumps up ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king was skeptical of his wife cheating on him with one of the generals, so before his out of the country trip

He inserts a razor blade in her vagaina. After his return to the kingdom,2 weeks later, he has all of his generals line up and orders them to pull down their pants. All of them had a cut besides one general.

The king says to the general " you're my most loyal general, all these people have ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a little person walking to a moving van carrying a flatscreen and asked him if I could help him with his tv.

He said "fuck you man, this is my ipad!" What a jerk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Italian mafia boss hired a deaf accountant, Guido, and after a while he found out his accountant stole 10 million from him.

He goes to pay Guido a visit with his lawyer that knew sign language and to get him to talk where he hid the money.
 He tells the lawyer to translate, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido replies, "I have no idea what you're talk...

A man died today when a pile of books fell on him.

He only had his shelf to blame.

A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn't suffer.

It was instant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving a taxi in New York City and his passenger taps him on the shoulder and he almost crashes

She tells him, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you." He says, "Don't worry about it this is my first day as a taxi driver." She asks him,"How long have you lived in New York?" He responds with saying, "My whole life but I've been driving a Hearse for 25 years."

A guy wanted to buy cigarettes , they gave him a box of cigarettes that said:"smoking causes impotence"

He looked at the cashier and said : "plz , give me the one that causes cancer"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the guys who's alarm prevented him from having sex in his dream?

He got clock-blocked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to my doctor to see about scabs from masturbating all the time and if there was a treatment. He said I needed to stop masturbating immediately. I asked him "why?"

"Because I'm trying to examine you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I over heard some sexist guy claim, “Women are the weaker sex.” So, I kindly reminded him

that technically all women are Body Builders.

My friend was asking for Halloween costume ideas, and I told him he could pull off a good Two-Face.

He said, "Really?"

I said, "Yeah, you just have to make one half look good!"

A young farmer is being taught by an old hand how to take care of the animals. Today he's showing him how to shoe a horse

Halfway through the old man asks:

"So, have you ever shoed a horse before"

And the young farmer says:

"No, but I once told a cow to f@&$ off!"

My Grandfather never threw anything away, bless him

He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade

A tennis player is leaving the court and and a guy walks up to him “Hey what’s all that in your pocket?” He says “It’s tennis balls”

They guy says “Well, if it’s anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!”

A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing...

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.

The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.

“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”

He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner,...

Him: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

Her: "OK, maybe writing out own wedding vows was a mistake."

While sports fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted,

“There wouldn’t by chance be any
alligators in these waters?!”“No,” the old man hollered back, “haven’t been any for years!” Feeling relieved, the tourist
started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway toward shore he asked the old man,
“Say, how’d you get rid of the gators, any...

A bloke's sitting on the bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breasfeeding her baby.

The baby won't take it so she says "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it this nice man here".

Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here"


The bloke says "Listen love, can you make you're bloody mind up,...

A man joins an atheist club at his school and at the first meeting says "Hello, I'm Christian" and the leader of the club kicks him out.

It's difficult being an atheist named Christian.

Officer pulls a guy over and says to him, “Sir your eyes look a little glazed, have you been drinking?”

The guy responds, “Sir your eyes look a little glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

Today I saw my friend in class listening to music, so I asked him what music it was.

He said he was listening to rap and asked what I was listening too. I looked him dead in the eye, put a paper clip in my ear and said heavy metal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked outside to get his newspaper only to find his neighbor hopping off his horse, walking behind him, picking up his tail,and kissing him right where the sun don't shine...

He couldn't believe what he had just witnessed so he decided to walk over and see if his suspicions were correct."Good morning Bill."He says.

"Howdy Frank,what brings you by?"

"Well,I'm not sure I had witnessed what I had just witnessed."

"And what might that be?"

"Well,i...

Took my brother to the aquarium and threw him in the shark tank

He came back out with a $500,000 investment

(I know this is absolutely not funny but it came to me in a dream)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

What does a donkey do when you tell him a joke?

He 'ha's.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I hand a Lego to my blind friend and ask him what it says.

Apparently all Legos say “Fuck off!”

It was a cough, that carried him off

It was a coffin, they carried him off in

Lady asked her doctor, "My husband has taken to eating dog food. It's bland, boring and it's helping him lose a ton of weight. Cheap too."



The doctor told her that it wouldn't harm him, as long as he took a multivitamin to replace the C and B vitamins that are deficient in dog food.

Six months later, he saw her in the grocery store, "How's your husband doing on the dog food diet?"

"He died."

"What! Real...

My friend Jay had twin girls recently and he wanted to name them after him...

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son goes to dad to tell him he learned to get an errection whistling.

"Dad, dad. Look!" He whistles, penis goes up. He whistles penis goes down.
"Very good, my son. Just like your dad. Look." He whistles, penis goes up. He whistles penis goes down.
Uncle sees that and approves. Then, demonstrates. He whistles, penis goes up. He whistles penis goes down.
Grand...

A wife asks her hard working husband how she can make him happy in bed...

He replies “A few more hours of sleep would be nice.”

A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.

"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.

"What are they?"

"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."

"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.

"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."

The man laughs and says, "Well, at l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mailman is making his rounds on his very last day of work. After 25 years on the same route the day had finally come. He was a good mailman and well liked. Therefor many of his regulars had little cookies and parting gifts for him. All was going well until he got to the Smith residence.

When he came to the door and was about to deliver the letters, Mrs. Smith opened the door in a sexy lingerie holding a plate of cookies and invited him in. The mailman, not wanting to be rude took a few cookies, stepped inside and said thank you. As he was about to leave, she said " oh no, we're...

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a woman...

you feed him for atleast a week (more if he rations the meat properly).

A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."

Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.

Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and...

I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.

He doesn’t have a Clue.

My fat friend admitted that I was less in need of a diet than him.

I said "that's very big of you."

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a father gives his son “the talk,” the son asks him, “Dad, what kind of breast is best?” The father chuckles and replies,

“My boy, beauty is in the eye of the boob-holder.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kris Kristofferson must of been thankful his parents didn't name him Jack.

Jack Jackofferson would of been an awkward name to have growing up

The guy at the tuxedo store kept hovering around me, so I told him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A successful bussinessman has a work trip coming up and hes worried that his beautiful girlfriend will cheat on him when he is gone

So he goes to the best sex shop in town and starts looking through the toys. He sees dildos but doesn't feel they'll do the trick. He sees vibrators but also doesnt feel safe, so he goes to the owner. He asks for the best sex toy available. The owner goes to the back of the shop and gets a wooden bo...

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him

"Saul, I have some good news
and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring...

When Joe Louis was asked who had hit him the hardest during his boxing career, he replied,

“That’s easy—Uncle Sam!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor called the cops on me when I asked him to check out my testicles.

Apparently it’s “weird” to collect them in a jar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 5yo asked me to tell you guys this joke I'm so sorry...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Cause your butt stinks!! Ha! Stinky butt



He doesn't understand downvotes so I'll eat the loss of karma cause this made him happy

Why did the bear refuse the magicians offer to make him human?

Being someone else would've been unbearable.

My friend's wellness teacher asked him in freshman year what the most common STD in the world was...

Apparently, pregnancy was the wrong answer.

Napoleon might be remembered for being short, but if there was one part of him the ladies remembered best...

...it was the Bonaparte.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy named John Hitler was tired of people bullying him for his name so he went to the federal court and changed it hoping the harassments would stop.

But Peter Hitler is still getting bullied to this day.

My pronouns are Him/He but my chocolate bars pronouns are...

Her/She

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walked in his sons room and caught him jerking off

The man said "son! Dont do that, you'll go blind!"

"I'm over here dad."

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself.

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

A man got in a bad accident and got his left arm and left leg ripped off. But don't worry about him.

He's all right now!

What did Gandhi say to the British after they asked him to move?

Nah, mastay

God, bored one day, decides to visit one of his most loyal followers and grant him one wsh.

Follower: Wow, anything I want!?!?

God: Yes, as long as it is in reason.

Follower: OK, can I get a highway from my house to Hawaii?

God: I'm sorry, that would interfere with other people and nature, so I'm afraid I cannot do that.

Follower: Alright, I wish to be able to u...

A man was trying to understand the nature of God, and asked him:

“God, how long is a million
years to you?” God answered: “A million years is like a minute.” Then the man asked: “God, how
much is a million dollars to you?” And God replied: “A million dollars is like a penny.” Finally
the man asked: “God, could you give me a penny?” And God said, “In a mi...

I don’t see what’s the big deal about Jesus anyway. God sent him to earth to suffer and die. Well guess what

He did the same to us.

I met Jeffrey Epstein once. It was only a brief interaction, but I can recall that I offered him some cheddar cheese and he didn't like it.

I think it was too mature for him.

A math teacher went to a kids birthday party and gave him a math book

The kid was eager to open the present, so he opened it in front of his teacher, when he opened the present the kid looked confused and asked “why did you give me a math book?” The teacher answered “It’s the thought that counts”

A man rushes into the doctors' office and screams, "Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those 'do not eat' packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?" The doctor tries to relax him by saying, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded affirmatively...

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded once more.

"So..." the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-...

I went to the doctor to tell him one of my concerns

I went to the doctor to tell him one of my concerns. After telling him, he asked if I had stutter. So I told him "No, I'm only worried about the vitamin d deficiency!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My best friend’s wife is having a baby. So I asked him, “Do you want a boy or a girl?”

He thought about it and said “I just wanted a blowjob.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him "would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?"

Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".

This guy at the beach offered me a free kite. I turned him down. You know why?

He said the deal was no strings attached.

A man is walking on a beach, and finds a lamp containing a genie that offers him 3 wishes, however, whatever his wish, his mother-in-law gets double of it.

The man is upset at first since he hated his mother-in-law, but decides to try it out.

"I wish for a hundred million dollars" the man told the genie.

The genie nods his head, and $100,000,000 appears before the man.

"Gtanted, but Your mother-in-law now has $200,000,000 as well" ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A homeless guy stopped me and demanded I give him £5 for some new shoes.

So I gave him £5 and followed him to see if he got new shoes. He turned down one road, picking up the pace, the end of his baggy jeans scuffing the pavement. He took a sharp left turn down an alleyway, down which I pursued him for some three or four minutes at a safe distance of around three hundred...

I showed the damaged remains of my luggage to my lawyer and told him that I want to sue the airline.

He said, “You don’t seem to have much of a case.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:


"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the ...

A boy goes to his grandfather and asks him for 5 bucks to buy a Guinea pig.

Grampa gives him ten and tells him to go find a nice Irish girl instead.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] After area 51 raid, Joe drugged and took an alien to his home. When the drug worn off, Joe saw the alien walking towards him with a massive boner and he asked Joe in perfect English with a seducing voice "Who are you, sexy thing"?

Joe replied... Sapien.. No homo

I mistook another man for my dad and hugged him

...what a faux pa.

A wife treats hubby by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday...

At The Club, Ths Doorman Says, "Hi Jim, How are You?" the wife asks, "How does he know you? Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"
Jim says to his Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team."
Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You...

A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.

The guy says, “What the hell was that all about?”
She says, “I was just keeping it warm for you.”
He says, “Cancel my hot dog.”

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

Got this friend who always drops french fries when he eats them. I told him to try onion rings because they're easier to hold, so he switched but it's still a problem.

They're dropping like fries.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time. Which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asks him,"What will it be there Mr.Seal?

The seal says,"Anything but a Canadian Club!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

A friend of mine believes that the Earth is flat. I challenged him to prove it by walking off the edge…

He eventually came around!

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in he...

A dad got angry with his son and pushed him out of the door

Everyone on the plane stared in shock

A man is in love with a woman who shares the same birthday with him (July 22)

He wanted so badly to impress this woman. But they had nothing in common except for the zodiac sign that they shared, which oddly enough she was named after.

He smoked cigarettes to look cool. Got a job in a nuclear power-plant to sound more interesting. Refused to wear sunscreen on a sunny d...

Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i’m married now..

And that’s where I sleep.

A man at work has a coworker who truly despises him

Yet year after year on his birthday, the coworker gives the man elegant, expensive ties.

Finally the man can't stand it anymore and asks, "Listen, I know you truly can't stand me, so why all the niceties?"

I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.

Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

A friend of mine asked me how he should react if his girlfriend tells him that she's HIV positive

I said, "The trick is to always act surprised."

What did the Russian dictator say to his guards when spies came to assassinate him

Stalem

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man finds out his wife is cheating on him with hus best friend.

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy that charges $10,000 per bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, w...

At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.