UPJOKE
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a teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name “hijkm” she says “i’m sorry, i’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out. a girl raises her hand and says this:

“that’s me, and it’s pronounced noelle”

A girl gets a thorn in her hand...

On her way to a party, Trisha, a rebellious teenage girl drops her little sister off at a friends house. Trisha drops off her little sister, says hi to the parents and then leaves for the party.

The young girl runs straight to the backyard where her friends are. It's a beautiful summers even...

After each battle, Napoleon would walk down and shake the hands of all his soldiers

Each time, he would ask them the same three questions:

How old are you?
How long have you been serving in the army?
Which of the two battles have you fought in?

One time, a new, foreign soldier did not know French and was worried about what to say to Napoleon when it was his turn...

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

She said, "Hand me that oven mitt"

and as he pretended to try and lift the entire oven, the Romney's laughed, but not quite as much this year.

I can eat sugar with my right OR my left hand.

I'm ambi-dextrose.

My son handed me his report card and I asked him, “Why is this wet?”

He said, “My grades are below C level.”

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.

He said: “Maybe, but I wouldn't count
on it.”

Why did Will use an open hand?

Because paper always beats Rock.

When little Johnny was about 3 he got curious and stuck his hand in a mannequin’s pants.

His is mom said, “No little Johnny there is teeth in there that will bite off your hand.”

Years later he was 15 and he had a girlfriend, and they were making out and she said, “Why don’t you ever stick your hand in my pants?”

Johnny said, “Oh my mom says there’ s teeth that will bite o...

Two siblings are arguing, then one puts his hand level with his head and says “I’ve had it up to hear with you.”

The second sibling steps back takes a breath and speaks. “You know what? Fine.” He leaves, and years later is set to go to the moon. Once there on the televised broadcast he tells his brother, with his palm facing the earth, “I’ve had it to here.”

A man with one hand walks into a thrift shop

He approaches and greets the cashier, and asks if he can make an appointment.

The cashier says "sir, this is a thrift shop"

He looks at her confused for a moment, but then realises his mistake.

"Oh, my apologies, I was told this was a second hand shop"

“Just hit my hand as hard as you can”

Two workers were digging underground at a construction site . It was really a tiring job.

Worker A: “Why the hell we need to do all the hard job here for only a meager pay, while that arrogant foreman just sits there sipping the tea so comfy, and pockets much more than us?”

Worker B, ...

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

Four cannibals apply for a job in a big corporation…

„Well“, says the boss, „if I hire you guys, you have to promise to not eat any of our staff.“

The cannibals promise that they will not eat anyone and get hired.

Everything is going well for a while, and one day the boss calls them into his office.

“You’re working well and all, ...

Inflation is really getting out of hand...

But that's just my 5 cents.

What do you get when you hand a Frenchman a live grenade and then shove him into a kitchen?

Linoleum Blownaparte

Shakespeare was able to write with either his left or right hand equally well...

He was iambidextrous.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.

Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" ...

What's a great way to hand someone all the answers they're looking for, only for them to ignore it and ask anyway?

Be a teacher and give a student their syllabus.

It was my mother’s 50th birthday the other day. I handed her her 50th card.

She says “why have you got me so many cards?!”

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I agonized about this question for a long time, until threw up my hands in frustration.

"Why the fuck did I eat them?"

Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident…

but I’m now recovering, I’m all right now.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I replied, "£100 and it's yours."

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A man and a woman meet in a New York bar. She learns that he is a deck hand on a commercial ship.

“That must be wonderful,” she says. “You get to see the world. I have always wanted to visit Europe, but I have never been able to afford the ticket.”

“How about I smuggle you aboard my ship. I will hide you, and every day I will bring you food and drink in exchange for sex. When we ge...

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Moving his hand all over her

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite sometime.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her s...

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Why did Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?

Because she used the other one to moan

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."r&...

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Blind Pilots

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and th...

Sometimes I tuck my head to my chest, place my hands on the ground and lean forward..

Because that's how I roll.

what did the blind guy say when he was handed a cheese grater

That's the most violent story I've ever read

If you can see both hands of the proctologist while he's giving you the exam...

... it makes you wonder 🤔

My dad’s joke: You see an older couple holding hands.

The older couple are laughing and apparently very much in love.

Mom: Wow look at that, old but still passionate.

Dad: I know them. They’ve been married for 40 years.

Mom: Oh wow really?

Dad: Yeah, just not to each other!

Second Hand Goods

A divorced man bumps into his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and sneers: "So, how do you like using second-hand goods?"

"Doesn't bother me," the new husband replies. "Once you get past the first three inches, it's all brand ...

A homeless man approached me as I was leaving a sandwich shop…

… and he asked me if I had $5 to spare. I felt bad for him, and was just about to give him the money.

But then I realized I was holding a $5 foot long I had just bought, so I held up both the cash and the sandwich and told him he could have whichever one he preferred.

He stared at th...

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I put my hand out for a taxi driver.

Cheap bastard could at least fix his indicators.

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer and takes out a smoke, he asks the guy sitting next to him for a light and is handed a giant lighter. He looks at it curiously, lights his smoke and hands it back while inquiring where one would get such a large lighter?

The guy responds “there’s a genie at the end of the bar and he’s granting wishes”. The man gets up and walks up to sit next to the genie and says, “I hear you’re granting wishes”. The genie after having been drinking heavily for hours responds “yeah but one wish per customer!” The guy shrugs and say...

I had a SCAB but I picked the bottom right hand corner of it...

No I have a SCAR.

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

What do you do when life hands you melons?

Acknowledge you may have dyslexia.

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel...

and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed....

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Are my testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, S...

What happened to the handy man when he lost his hands?

He became an army man.

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If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

I used to live a hand to mouth existence.

Then somebody told me about silverware.

A University of Alabama graduate gets a job

He shows up to his first day of work, and the boss hands him a mop and a bucket.

"Hey! I will have you know I'm a graduate of the University of Alabama!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," the boss said, "let me show you how to use those."

Steve's Place.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...

My friend said that if you sit on your hand for long enough it feels like somebody else is doing it.

It's been twenty minutes and it still feels like I'm sitting on my hand.

Tip for giving a hand job.

Use your head.

A modern day ghost story

Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a fierce rain storm.

The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly through the swirling rain Bill saw a car slowly comi...

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

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a guy walks into a restaurant with an ostrich...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "...

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A new monk arrives at the monastery

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be...

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

Mrs. Johnson

There was a lady who was cheating on her husband with a boyfriend. One day while they were getting intimate she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she start...

My wife put her hand on my leg, winked at me, and told me to spice things up we should try some role-reversal in the bedroom tonight. I thought it was a great idea.

So I told her I had a headache, turned off the light, rolled over and went right to sleep.

Name the kind of tree you can hold in your hand?

A palm tree!

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what's the shittiest second hand purchase one can make?

Butt plug

Why did the pimp till the garden with his hands?

Cause he ain't got no faith in dem hoes.

My Nokia slipped out of my hand and landed on top of my car so I took it to Best Buy

But they said they don’t fix cars

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I crawled in bed and slid my hand up my wife's thigh,

She turned over and scoffed: "I have a headache." "perfect!" I said, "I just powdered my penis with aspirin, do you want any it orally or as a suppository?"

A pirate walked into a bar.

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate: 'Well, we were in a battle and I g...

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says,

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go ...

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

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What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?

Jack off all trades

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A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke in...

Which hand do you use to cut your steak?

Neither, you use a knife.

What do you call a woman who has a duster in one hand, a brush in the other, a shovel on one foot and a spade on the other foot

A Swiss army wife.

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

To get to the second-hand shop.

When I was in the Army....

When I was in the Army, I had a sergeant once hand me an axe and he said "See this rope?" I said that I did, indeed, see the rope. He said "good, when I nod my head, I want you to hit it with the axe." he nodded his head and I did as I had been ordered to do.

And to this day I STILL don't kn...

Kelly hobbled in to the bar on a crutch with one arm in a cast.

“My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked.

“I got in a tiff with Riley.”

“Riley? He's just a wee fellow" the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did" Kelly said, “A shovel it was.”

“Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in y...

What’s the loneliest hand in all of poker?

Jack King off

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A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

The Worst Way to Die

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, *"Tell me about the day you died."*

The man said, *"Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was ...

Mark went for a walk in the park.

As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"

He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"

There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.

"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands....

A guy looks at his friend, puts up his hand and says "barkeep!"

While the two of them laugh, another friend who saw this says "I don't get it, what's so funny?"

The first guy answers "you wouldn't get it, it's an inn joke..."

What do you suggest I do?

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2
months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this ...

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

Why did Captain Hook cross the street?

To get to the second hand store.

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A man buys a second hand car

A man buys a second hand car. It's an old, run down Datsun.
The man buys the car, but as he's driving home it breaks down. When he lifts the hood, he notices that there's a cog missing.

He calls a mechanic, but he tells the man that Datsun had run out of business years ago, and that he wo...

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?

Because they have no rights.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

There are 27 bones in your hand

28 if you're lonely

Hold it firmly in your hand, put it in your mouth, lick it, straighten it, and put it in the hole

Man, threading a needle is difficult work.

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

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A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.

The blond asks, “What’s that?”

The blond cop replies, “It’s the thing in your purse with your picture on it.”

The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over.

The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, “I’m sorry mam. If I knew you were an ...

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious. "How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartender s...

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange.

A man walks into a bar and half his head is a big orange. He says, ‟I'll have a beer, please.”

The bartender says, ‟Excuse me, I could not help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.”

The guy goes, ‟Yeah, had that for a while now.”

So the bartender says, ‟How d...

Misunderstanding

An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me ...

A neutron walks into a bar.

The bartender hands him a drink, and says, "No charge."

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

If I have five oranges in one hand and six in the other, what do I have?

Very big hands.

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

A Frenchman sees a poster in front of a bakery: Croissant €1. Handjob €5

He enters the shop and sees a gorgeous young lady behind the counter. He then asks:

"Mademoiselle, are you the one that delivers the handjobs?"

Very shy, the girl looks down, blushes and replies with a giggle:

"O-Oui monsieur, I am the one that gives the handjobs".

The F...

I accidentally handed my wife glue stick instead of chap stick last week.

She still isn’t talking to me.

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pan-handler in front of a casino

A bum was in front of a casino, hand out, asking for spare change to get a bite to eat. A passerby felt pity for him and gave him $5.00.

"Get yourself a good meal," he told the bum. "But I don't want to see you going into the casino and gambling that money away!"

At that, the bum shook...

I saw a video on the news the other night of the former president with his hand shoved up under his arm making musical farting noises... I really enjoyed it!

I love a good Trump-pit solo!

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A final CIA test for three men

An American, a Russian and a Bosnian man get to the final test to be admitted to the CIA. An American enters a room where he sees his wife Jennifer. A voice says: " There is a gun on the table, your last test is to kill your wife, no questions asked." American points the gun, but after a while gives...

What do you call a hand job from a communist?

Seizing the means of reproduction.

Four rabbis are having a debate

Four rabbis are debating scripture out in the garden, and one of them notices he's continuously outvoted by the other three even though he's absolutely certain he's right. At a certain point, his frustration gets the best of him and he stands up, raises his hands and and says "My Lord, you must know...

Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.

Times were tough

A neighbor overhears a husband and wife arguing. The wife yells “the only time you’re useful is when you’re on your back or hands and knees!”

The neighbor gasps, and then hears the husband say “I do more than fix the car and kitchen sink.”

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Three words

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly towards him.

Before he ...

Never argue with left handed people.

They're not right.

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Four nuns have just died

They are waiting to talk to Saint Peter outside the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter: “Sisters, confess your sins and you may enter paradise.”

Nun #1: “Saint Peter, forgive me, in my life I once gazed lustfully at a man’s penis.”

St Pete: “Sister, rinse your eyes with this Holy Wat...

So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John....

I asked my son, "If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?!" Exasperated, he replied, "I don't know, what?"

"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

The last wish

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor, and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash.

He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin.

He told them that he wanted ...

"Drive that thing like you stole it!"

One Friday night, when I was a teenager getting ready to go out, my Dad handed me the car keys and said, "Have fun, son. And remember. Drive that thing like you stole it!"

Upset, my Mom immediately asked why he would say such a reckless thing to his teenager.

To which my Dad replied, "...

I asked my Granddaughter to hand me the newspaper. She told me newspapers are outdated, and everyone now uses tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

A boy asked his mom "Mom, What is dark humor?"

The mom said to the boy "See that man with no hands? Tell him to clap."

The boy then said to his mom "But mom, you know I'm blind!"

A nurse went to the hospital for her first day on the job

Due to a miscommunication she did not know the name of the ward she had been assigned. Instead she was told to take medicine to the ward since the supervisor was running late

Upon reaching the spot, she saw there were only 3 men in the hospital beds. Starting her shift, she began to hand out ...

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My ex girlfriend Sandra's mum came steaming up to me in the supermarket earlier, with a six-pint bottle of milk in her hand..

She ripped the lid off and poured the lot over my head.

"THAT.." she yelled, "Is from our Sandra."

"Oh don't talk like a cunt." I replied. "That could be from any cow."

Jesus at the Pearly Gates

Jesus is walking past the pearly gates one day when St. Peter asks him to fill in for a while so he can take a break. Jesus is a bit concerned and protests that he doesn't know the admissions procedure. St. Peter tells him it's easy, just look up the name in The Book and pass judgement, and that Jes...

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Jesus, Moses, and a mutual friend play golf.

So Jesus, Moses, and a friend of theirs all go out for a round of golf.

Jesus steps up to the tee. Takes his swing, and it's a nice looking drive, but it ends up in the water hazard and floats to the top. He walks out onto the pond and chips up onto the green.

Moses steps up to the tee...

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3 men are captured on an island of cannibals

One of the menasks “what do you plan on doing to us”

The cannibal Chief says “we have a tradition, we’re gonna kill you, eat you, then use your skin for our canoes. But myself and the elders have decided to give you some grace; you can do yourselves in, and you can choose how”

Man #1 s...

A homeless man is on the street corner begging for money

A wealthy lawyer walks past him. "Pardon me, sir, but do you have any spare change?"

The lawyer looks annoyed, and turns to him. "No, no I don't. I don't believe in giving handouts to bums. But I tell you what," he said, handing him a business card, "if you come to my house tomorrow morni...

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Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.

I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.

The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.

If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?

my great grandfather single handedly took down 97 german planes in WW2

Easily the worst mechanic the luftwaffe ever had

Barber vs kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

Lesson

A pastor was giving the children's message during church.

For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church.

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on indust...

A Joke my kid told me

A guy goes to buy a notebook at the stationery shop. He finds a good one wrapped in plastic for $10, so he takes it up to the counter. The cashier rings it up, but tells the guy no matter what, not to look at the last page. The guy thinks it’s an odd thing to say, but pays the $10 and takes the note...

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When you see 2 deaf people holding hands, maybe it's not romantic....

Maybe they just want each other to shut the fuck up.

Jesus Christ walks into a bar...

He spots a Russian man with a glass of water.
He asks "My son, are you a believer?"
The Russian replies "No."
Jesus waves his hands and behold! The glass is changed to wine.
"Well my son, do you believe now?"
The Russian frowns and shakes his head.

The next day, Jesus...

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What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?

Kermit the Frogs undivided attention

Guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, and the bartender tells him to leave

Guy says the alligator is trained, and puts his hand in its mouth

Bartender still tells him to leave. Guy then puts his head in the alligator’s mouth. Bartender says the alligator is dangerous and he needs to leave.

In a final display, the guy unzips, puts his pecker in the alligator’s...

In honor of my uncle, an English professor who just passed away, here’s one of his jokes about grammar pedants

A grammarian fell into a sewer. Someone came and said, “Need help?”

The grammarian was offended at his language. “You would have made sense if you had said, ‘Do you need any help?’” he rebuked.

A second man came and spoke as the first. Again, the pedant was offended and said, “You wou...

my wife injured me with her hand job

It rubbed me the wrong way

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i tried my hand at breeding chickens

Turns out they only like cocks

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A guy walks with two bags in his hands. One of them is torn and 20$ bills are slipping out.

Someone stops him and ask:
- Why is there so much money in your bag?
- When there is a sport game in town, I hide in the bushes nearby and when someone goes to take a piss, I say “Give me 20$ or I cut it off!”
- Ok, and what’s in the other bag?
- Well, not everyone pays…

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a door-to-door salesman

A door-to-door salesman on his neighborhood rounds knocks on the door of a house. A little boy, no older than five, answers. The boy is wearing a velvet robe. In one hand is a brandy snifter filled halfway with liquor. In the other hand is a lit cigar. The boy takes a sip, then a puff.

The do...

I like to hand out quarters at rallies and protests

Because they're always begging for change

A Cowboy Buys a Horse (long)

A cowboy decided to buy a horse from the preacher. As the money changed hands, the preacher warned him, “Now this isn’t a regular horse. I’ve taught this one different commands. To get him to run, you must say ‘Hallelujah!’ And to make him stop say ‘Amen’. The cowboy thanked him and the preacher lef...

What do you call a woman with no hands and no legs?

Carrie

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Guy giving a lecture, on the paranormal.

Guy: "How many people believe in Ghosts?"

About 60 hands go up.

"How many have seen a ghost.?"

About 15 hands go up.

"How many have of you have spoken to a ghost.?"

3 hands go up.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One hand goes up, Paddy right at ...

I like to hold hands at the movies…

which always seems to startle strangers.

Why did the hand and the mitten get married?

Because it was glove at first sight.

One day John asks his friend Arty to borrow a dollar

Of course Arty obliged and lent his friend the money without a second thought.

A few weeks had passed by and everytime Arty asked John if he could have his dollar back he would reply "no worries mate, I'll have it next time I see you." This went on for sometime until one day Arty passed John...

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a big buff bearded man once told me when I was 13 that masturbation caused hair to grow on my hand

I asked him how did you get your beard then

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The other day I asked my wife to hand me the newspaper. She said, "Silly you, just use my Ipad."...

That spider had no fucking idea what hit it.

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After catching her husband cheating on her, a wife decided to take matters into her own hands

She waited until he was asleep and took a knife to his member.

She then drove to an overpass and threw it over the ledge.

At the same time, two men were driving under the overpass when the penis landed on their windshield with a "thwap" and just stayed there.


The two men...

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the ...

A Psychiatrist Had No Patients In His Office…..

Suddenly, the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs.
His mouth was full with pieces of colored plastic.
He was holding strange objects in his hands.
He was dragging cables along behind himself.
The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed,
“And what d...

A mime in my town was arrested by the police after he broke his left hand in a bar fight.

He still….has the right to remain silent.

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

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When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had Tennis Racquets in theirs.

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The Russian conscript

Ivan had just been conscripted to fight in Ukraine. As part of his basic training he had to participate in a war game. The day of the war game, Ivan realised he had misplaced his rifle, so he went to his Lieutenant: “ Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?”
“I don’...

As a commercial livestock hauler, my main responsibility is transporting donkeys.

My clients..have their asses handed to them.

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Best submarine

Last Saturday, a British, a Russian and an American admiral met in Pearl Harbour, and standing on the water front, they were bragging about their ships.

British admiral: "I say chaps, we have a jolly good new submarine, which can go around Ireland under water without surfacing once. It's bloo...

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled. "What happened to you?"...

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The black knight

A man, thirsty after a long hike, walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender gives him his beer and says: ‘Here you go sir, but I do want to warn you that the black knight is coming soon, so it’s best to be gone by then’

The man shrugs it off, ‘yeah yeah I just ...

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