UPJOKE
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Hand Jokes

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great,

but on the other, it's just not right.

Walking hand in hand, a daughter looks up at her father and asks, "Daddy, what did YOU want to name me?"

"Zelda honey," he responded, "I wanted to name you Zelda. But on the night you were born, mommy said there was no way I was naming you Zelda. You see honey, mommy went through a lot that night, and I was in no position to win naming rights."

"But why Zelda?" she asked.

"Bec...

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's seven

What has 5 fingers, but isn’t your hand?

My hand.

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Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

NSFW A teacher asked her class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence. One girl raiser her hand and said, “The mumps are contagious” “Very good”, said the teacher, “Would anyone else like to try?” A boy raised his hand and said,

“Our next-door neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious.”

There are 27 bones in your hand

28 if you're lonely

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I crawled in bed and slid my hand up my wife's thigh,

She turned over and scoffed: "I have a headache." "perfect!" I said, "I just powdered my penis with aspirin, do you want any it orally or as a suppository?"

Chuck Norris killed 50 enemy combatants with a hand grenade.

Then the grenade exploded.

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Cause they're dead.

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man....

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

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What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?

Jack off all trades

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles...

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

You gotta hand it to short people.

Because they can't reach it on their own.

If I have a bee in my hand, what is in my eyes?

Beauty, because beauty is in the eyes of the bee-holder

HandJob

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the g...

TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can't feel it anymore

and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?

Because a toothbrush works better.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?

Because they have no rights.

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I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand...

WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?

You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes?

8 Pirates

My Asian waiter just handed my food to the wrong customer because he's racist and thinks all white people look the same.

Wait, nevermind. That wasn't my waiter.

My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, "Which one do you want?"

I said I'd take either/oar.

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Moving his hand all over her

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite sometime.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her s...

My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby.

Apparently they meant from the outside.

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

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Why did Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she could moan with the other one!

Hold it firmly in your hand, put it in your mouth, lick it, straighten it, and put it in the hole

Man, threading a needle is difficult work.

I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said...

"I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "$200 and it's yours."

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

I had a SCAB but I picked the bottom right hand corner of it...

No I have a SCAR.

A wife is like a hand grenade...

remove the ring and your house is gone!

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

When it comes to Putin you have to hand it him...

Or he will send people to take it.

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*

Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself

Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

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[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

After each battle, Napoleon would walk down and shake the hands of all his soldiers

Each time, he would ask them the same three questions:

How old are you?
How long have you been serving in the army?
Which of the two battles have you fought in?

One time, a new, foreign soldier did not know French and was worried about what to say to Napoleon when it was his turn...

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub

The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren’t mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"

The cop, obviously in ...

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The Mafia leader asks his right-hand man if he would do anything he says .

The guy says he’ll give his life for his Capo. Ok then , "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out."

Then he hands him a plastic cup.

Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out.

The Mafia leader s...

It was the days of the Old West when an Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the counter guy, "Want coffee."

"Coming right up," is the reply, and he gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, tosses down a coin for the...

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

a teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name “hijkm” she says “i’m sorry, i’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out. a girl raises her hand and says this:

“that’s me, and it’s pronounced noelle”

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

My Nokia slipped out of my hand and landed on top of my car so I took it to Best Buy

But they said they don’t fix cars

I steal candy bars using slight of hand...

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve

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What did Helen Keller call a hand job?

Oral sex.

I knew my fetishes were getting out of hand, when I spanked a statue…

I had hit rock bottom

My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

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If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.

With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having

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If you have two green balls in your hand, what else do you have?

Kermit’s undivided attention.

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

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What do you call a hand job in a cow pasture?

A beef jerky.

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. A boy at the back puts up his hand and says "G". The teacher says,

"Why is that Angus?"

What happened when the Chef got caught with their hand in the Dishwasher?

They both got fired

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What did Lily Potter ask James when he handed her divorce papers?

Are you fucking Sirius?

I got a hand job yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

A robber enters a house and holds the wife at gunpoint and threatens the husband to hand over all the money and jewellery..

The husband sobs " Please take whatever you want, but leave her alone" .

Robber : " Wow you must really love your wife ".

Husband " Actually she is my neighbour's wife. Mine will come back from shopping any minute" .

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Did you hear about the farm hand that got fired for having sex in the herbs?

He was fucking on company thyme.

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Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.

I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.

The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.

If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?

What do you call a hand job from a communist?

Seizing the means of reproduction.

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

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Black hand....

A stranger walks into a wild western town, he's a stranger passing through and needs to find a bed for the night.

He calls in at the local saloon and finds himself a place at the end of the bar while he tries to figure out his best options of a bed. The place is rammed, card games, piano play...

A man escaped from a bear only with a bow in hand

But his friend who got an arrow in the knee was not as lucky.

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back…

I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

M...

Please don’t hand out raisins this Halloween…

Eggs have gotten really expensive.

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

what's the difference between my hand and a hooker?

A hooker doesn't write bad jokes

The other day I saw a one hand man in a second hand store...

I went up to him and told him that I don't believe they have what you're looking for.

Why are no two hand puppets alike?

Because they are hand-made.

OC from my daughter.

My mother handed me $20

"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party."


That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin.

Why do Americans shake hands as a greeting?

To show they're only holding one gun

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A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.

The teacher says, "What's this?"

The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."

The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"

The kid says, "The cow ate it all."

"Ok, then where's the cow?"

"It left because there was no more grass."

Why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo.

I found a used football in a second hand store...

I picked it up and took it to the counter.

"How much is this?" I asked

"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"

"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.

So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good...

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Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.

The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad,
that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My
hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden
yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That'...

If life hands you melons...

You may be dyslexic!

This barista at StarBucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee.

I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote "callthecops".

I didn't bother leaving a tip.

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

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A young couple held hands and walked along a beach a sunset

A young couple held hands and walked along a beach a sunset. At dusk, a craft descended from the heavens and hovered in place thirty feet above their heads. Suddenly, they found themselves transported to the interior of the craft where two beings stood in front of them.

They had the app...

When is a hand a foot?

When it is 12 inches long

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I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?

Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.

When someone hands you their baby…

Hand it back and say “I’m a vegetarian”

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

Second Hand Goods

A divorced man bumps into his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and sneers: "So, how do you like using second-hand goods?"

"Doesn't bother me," the new husband replies. "Once you get past the first three inches, it's all brand ...

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On the one hand, masturbation is ok

But on the other hand, it's great!

Why can’t T-Rex clap their hands?

Because they’re extinct.

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If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

I went to my girlfriends father and asked for her hand

He asked me “Why do want it” and I said “Because I’m tired of using my own”

Nan once told me she gave a hand job to Einstein!

It was a stroke of genius!

Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”



The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

"Hand me downs"

Apparently not the right way to ask the wife to hand me our disabled baby.

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A man buys a second hand car

A man buys a second hand car. It's an old, run down Datsun.
The man buys the car, but as he's driving home it breaks down. When he lifts the hood, he notices that there's a cog missing.

He calls a mechanic, but he tells the man that Datsun had run out of business years ago, and that he wo...

I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand

They wanted to know where the rest of her body was

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

A frustrated student handed in his exam.

"I've been writing for two hours, yet i haven't answered a single question!" he complained.

"Well done, that's a straight A." replied the Politics Teacher.

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back.

A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a do...

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A young ranch hand receives his first paycheck

A whopping $1.50. He immediately runs to the nearest brothel and asks the head maiden what he can do with a buck fifty...
She dubiously eyes him.
“I don’t have anything that cheap.”
“Please!” He begs “it’s my first time!”
Taking pity she says
“Well, there’s a chicken out back...”...

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Guy walks into a bar Sits at the bar and orders a drink. He pays with a $100 bill and refuses the change. Just when he's about to take a drink, this little guy - not even a foot tall - runs across the bar and knocks the drink out of his hand. The little guy jumps off the bar and disappears.

The bartender, really confused, pours him another drink. The guy pays him $100 and refuses the change again. Just as he's about to sip his drink, the little guy appears, knocks the drink to the floor and runs off again.

Now the bartender pours him another drink and asks him about the little g...

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You’ve got to hand it to blind prostitutes...

....no seriously, you’ve got to.

Yesterday and today I stuck my hand inside feather pillows.

Is it normal that I'm feeling down?

A man from Saudia Arabia got caught stealing a hand sanitizer

He wont be needing it anymore

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The Princess with the cursed hand

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess who had been cursed from young - any object that she touched with her hands instantly melted in just about three seconds, before disintegrating aftwerwards. She'd even killed her own father this way.

The Queen was desperate to remove this terri...

A middle schooler raises their hand

They ask can you tell me the nitric oxide formula

Then the professor says NO

What did the kitchen knife say to the hand?

Can I get your digits?

What do you call a spice vendor who refuses to wash his hands?

Someone with too much thyme on his hands.

In a freak accident I lost all the fingers on my right hand.....

I asked the doctor If I would still be able to write with it.

He replied "Probably, but I wouldn't count on it"

We can't let Elon get his hands on christmas.

What's he gonna call that, Xmas?

What kind of tree fits in your hands

A palm tree

Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]

Cat: you're one short pal

A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher.

She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.


"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.


"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.


"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.


"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever...

My Mom bought me a coffee based hand scrub.

Now I get an erection every time I pass a starbucks.

What happened to the handy man when he lost his hands?

He became an army man.

Inflation is really getting out of hand...

But that's just my 5 cents.

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

Special Hand Job

Getting a hand job from a chick is like watching the special Olympics...

You keep cheering them on but deep down inside you know you can do better...

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

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