A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

What has 15 eyes, 15 hands, and 15 feet?

15 pirates.

I must admit that my sεxual desires have been getting out of hand,

but it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I realised I had hit rock bottom.

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The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you...

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

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Jim is in a bar men's room finishing having a pee. He zips up and washes his hand and is about to leave when he sees a man with no arms by the door.

"Hey mate, can you help me out here?" the no armed man says.

Jim grimaces but decides to help the man out. They walk over to a urinal and Jim unzips the man's pants. "Yeah, just take the old boy out for me, will you?" the man says.

Jim pulls the man's underwear down revealing the no ...

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

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An Amish farmer is walking through his field when he sees a guy drinking from his pond, scooping it up with his hand.

The farmer says,
"Trinken sie nicht das wasser, die
kuhe unddie schweine haben in ihm
geschissen," which means, 'Don't
drink the water, the cows and the
pigs shit in it'


The guy shouts back, "I'm a Trump
supporter, and this is America. I
don't understand your gibberi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to feel like life was in the palm of my hand

I also used to jack off a lot

A Nigerian Prince has offered to hand over control of his mines to me.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.

6:30 is the best time on a clock

Hands down.

You know what’s worse than shaking someone’s wet hands after they’ve used the restroom?

Shaking someone’s dry hands after they’ve used the restroom

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On the one hand, I don't masturbate often.

On the other hand, I do.

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles....

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

The POTUS, Donald Trump is swept down a flooding river... You stand on the riverbank with a camera in one hand and a lifebuoy in the other. Now you have to make a choice....

Do you take a picture in colour or in black and white?

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A man walks into a bar. Slams his hand on the bar and screams "All lawyers are assholes!"....

Angrily, another patron gets up and yells back "Watch your mouth! That is offensive to me!"

The first man responds and laughs "Are you upset because I called you an asshole???!!!"

The angry patron says "No! I'm offended you compared me to a lawyer!"

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand.

Now put it over your mouth.

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Jenny, who is blonde, is driving down the road through the countryside. As she is traveling, on the right hand side of the road she sees another blonde woman attempting to row a wooden boat in the middle of a field

Frustrated by this sight, Jenny pulls her car over to the side of the road by the field and gets out. She goes to the edge of the road and starts yelling at the woman rowing the boat.

"You dumb bitch! It's because of blondes like you doing stupid crap like this that makes the rest of us loo...

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I got a handjob from a blind girl last night She said, “You have the biggest dick I’ve ever put my hands on."

I said, “Nah. You’re just pulling my leg.”

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Me: *I put my hand in his thigh while I'm driving*

The examiner: *What the fuck are you doing*

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....

You know, one would have been enough.

Why did Logan Paul refuse to shake Ricegums hand?

Because he always leaves asians hanging

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What do you call a guy who jerks off with both hands?

Ambidickstrous

What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?

Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Take off the ring and say goodbye to your house.

Doctor : (Hands me my newborn baby) So sorry but your wife didn't make it...

Me : (Hands the baby back) Well bring me the one she made then

The kidnappers are blackmailing my dad to hand over his stone-cutting business for my safe return.

I was really taken for granite.

I freak out when people wave their hand in the air

But it's like they dont even care

I can count on one hand how many times I've been to Chernobyl...

27 times.

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

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The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze. He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her. He took her by the hand, and led her to the door.

Saying "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT YOU SICK FUCK!"

I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.

I thought, "Thats the biggest wave I’ve ever seen."

Why can’t T-Rex clap their hands?

Because they’re extinct.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

If you have a green ball in your left hand, a green ball in your right hand, what have you got?

The Hulk's d\*ck in your mouth.

A weird little German kid just handed me a bunch of yellow metal

Thanks for the gold, strange kinder

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My brother said it's his lifes ambition to give a hand job to a plumber, an electrician, a carpenter and a builder.

Hes wants to be a jack off all trades

I had detergent on my hands

My hands were Tide. (apologies)

Gotta hand it to stupid people

because most of the time it goes over their head

I don't understand why people make fun of short people. Honestly though, you've really gotta hand it to short people

Because they probably can't reach it anyways.

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

I was carving the Thanksgiving turkey and cut my hand. My not so bright brother-in-law ran over and grabbed the bloody wound with his fingers and started twisting it. I screamed “Ouch!! What the hell are you doing!”

He replied, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut”

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

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Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with one hand?

She uses the other hand to moan.

A man and his family are driving along when they're pulled over by a policeman who informs them that they're the one-millionth car to drive past his checkout, and hands them a prize check for 1000 dollars.

"What are you going to do with your winnings?" Asks the policeman.
"I think I'll use it to finally get some driving lessons!" says the husband
"Don't listen to him, he's drunk!" Barks the wife, which wakes the mother-in-law in the backseat
Upon seeing the policeman, she exclaims "Gah,...

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.

He never found what he was looking for.

My brother has the hands of a surgeon...

And a pending trial for grievous bodily harm.

Three old spinsters die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they are met by St Peter. He says: “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”

The first spinster says: “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

With a bang, she’s gone.

The second says: “I want to be Madonna.”

She also disappears immediately.

The third says: “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”

St Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.

“Sara Pipalini,” ...

I went to a car boot sale yesterday and bought a box of second hand newspapers,

They may be old but they’re news to me.

A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport.

I am now in Ireland starting a new life

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

Someone just throw a handful of Omega 3 capsules at me.

I'm OK though, they are just super fish oil injuries.

How can you put a pin back into a hand grenade?

I need quick answers guys plea

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands

For instance if they're placed around your throat she's probably upset.

Richard Pryor

We had a lady back at our office who could use two typewriters at once, one with each hand. Most of us just thought she'd be writing the same thing on both machines all the time.

Turns out it was just Stereo-Typing

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A man enters into his bedroom with a goat in his hands.

His wife is reading a book when the man suddenly says: 'See, this is the cow I am having sex with when you have a headache.'
Wife puts the book down and says:' Are you stupid? That is a goat, not a cow.'
'I've been talking to the goat'

Teacher: which is the best hand to use when writing something, left hand or right hand?

Pupil: None of them. It’s better to use a pen or pencil.

My wife and I had a row and it finished with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees!

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man."

A guy goes door to door looking for work. One homeowner hands him a brush and a can of paint and offers him $150 to paint his porch.

A few hours later, the guy comes back to the homeowner and says, "I'm finished. But you should know that your car's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

My wife gets angry at the phrase “hand me downs.”

Apparently that’s not how I ask her to let me hold our disabled child.


Credit: (u/ajstaff)

I just got a hand-job from a Leprechaun

It was a real stroke of luck to be sure

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

Why T Rex can't clap with their hands?

Because they're dead.

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A young man gets chatting to an old stranger at a bar. The old man strokes the bar and says, “I built this bar with my own hands”.

“I took the oak, I laminated it, turned it into planks, sanded it down and finished it. Am I known as “The old man who builds bars”? No.”

The old man stands up, “Come outside, young man.”
“Look at this stone wall. I built it with my bare hands. I collected the stones, stacked them up, and ...

What do you get when you crucify your hand?

You get more fingernails. \*ba-dum tsss\*

Why did Steven Tyler stick his hand into a hornet nest??

He didn't wanna miss a sting

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?

Linoleum Blownapart

I’ve never understood why so many rich parents buy second hand Ferraris for their spoilt children

Why would you want two things that are twenty years old and don’t work?

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

I went to a church last Sunday, and instead of handing out bread and wine for communion, they gave me a cheeseburger.

They called it Angus Dei.

A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand.

As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, “Do you smoke?” “Yeah, a pack and a half a day,” said the patient. Concerned, the doctor told him, “You should consider quitting.” “No, it’s OK,” said the patient. “I smoke with me left hand ".

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.

The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your ...

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You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

If she tells you that you're the biggest guy shes ever felt she’s probably pulling your leg.

If you loose your left hand

Your right hand will be left

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A man is sitting at the bar, his head in his hands.

Bartender: what's the matter buddy?

Man: it's the worst thing ever. I caught my wife in bed with my best friend.

Bartender: oh man that really sucks! What did you do?

Man: I told her to pack her shit and get the hell out.

Bartender: what about your best friend?
...

What do Jesus and my left hand have in common?

They both have three hangnails.

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied an...

Octopus : [holding a gun in each hand]

Cat : You're one short buddy

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As you know, last year's Furrycon got out of hand. This year, I'm cracking down. Zero furry porn, and figure-hugging fursuits that are tight against the buttocks will not be allowed. This rule is 100% non-negotiable.

No yiffs, no butts.

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Why do deaf girls always masturbate with two hands?

They need one hand to get the job done and the other to moan with :D

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would
be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, ho...

A carpenter accidentally sawed off his left hand

The doctors said he will be all right

A young farmer is being taught by an old hand how to take care of the animals. Today he's showing him how to shoe a horse

Halfway through the old man asks:

"So, have you ever shoed a horse before"

And the young farmer says:

"No, but I once told a cow to f@&$ off!"

I walk on all fours. I hump peoples' legs. I lick their hands and I pee on the sidewalk. I am

Going to jail.

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

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A married gynaecologist looks at his hand

"Some cunt has got my ring"

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If you have 10 apples in one hand and 10 apples in the other, what do you have?

some big ass hands

I'm holding a bee in my hands. What is in my eye?

Beauty

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

I can eat sugar with either hand...

I'm ambidextrose!

A man walks into a sperm bank with a jar in his hand

"What are you here for today, sir?" the front desk woman asks.

The man explains, "So I was here a couple of days ago and I was asked to bring a sample of my sperm. So I got home and I used both my left hand and right hand. Nothing. I asked my wife for help. She used her left hand and then her...

If all the Dominos employees in the world held hands..

you'd have to make your own pizza

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.

She still isn´t talking to me

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What do you have when you have two little green balls in you hand?

Kermit's undivided attention!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sometimes I hand a Lego to my blind friend and ask him what it says.

Apparently all Legos say “Fuck off!”

So, i was out drinking in a club and two guys with Swastika tattoo on their hands walked in next to me...

They order drinks and got pretty drunk in just one round, You can say that they had low tolerance.

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

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What do you call getting a hand job in a Volkswagen Beetle?

A Herbie Hancock

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"Forgive me father, for I have sinned"

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Gi...

If you ever rob a deaf person, be sure to break their hands.

Who're they gonna tell?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do pirates always wash their hands after playing cards?

Because they use a poop deck

Why did they make the hand on the Statue 11 inches long.

Well if they made it 12 inches it would have
been a foot.

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A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

He knocks and...

My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Bite his ankles.

~ My Chihuahua

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts calling numbers... like a telephone... on his hand and talking in his hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very
tough neighbourhood and he doesn't need any trouble
here.

The guy says, You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I
had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.
The bartender says 'Prove it'. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said

'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.

Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.<...

My wife just gave birth and she’s over the moon! I,on the other hand, plan to sue the surgeon who did my vasectomy.

Not once did he mention that a mixed race baby was a possible side effect!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After trying and failing to agree on what to watch on TV, my wife threw her hands up in exasperation. "Do we even have anything in common?" she asked.

I responded. "Well, neither of us ever get blowjobs. Does that count?"

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

Used to have this drama teacher who always said “raising your hand was a waste of time”

He was hands down the weirdest teacher I’ve ever had.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

A woman returns to her room in the old age home to find another old lady with her hands on her husband's pants.

She is furious: “What does she have that I don't?” “Parkinson”, answers the husband.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She was in good hands

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.

Still not wanting to be rude or seem politically incorrect, she decided that it's just dinner and it couldn't hurt.

Much to her sur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grizzled old sea captain walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, an eye patch, and a hook hand.

The captain sits down and orders a drink. The bartender serves it, and asks the captain a question.

-If you don't mind, how did you get that peg leg?

-I were chasing the white whale, laddy! Dangerous business!

-Well, how did you get the hook hand?

-Yar, had me a swashbuck...

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