I handed my dad his 50th birthday card

With tears in his eyes he says

One would've been enough.

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”


“No way. It’s just too ri...

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*

Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself

Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

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I was once getting a hand job from a blind girl

She said "this is the biggest dick I've ever put my hands on"
I said "no, you're just pulling my leg!"

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I call my hand Handy and my foot Footy. What do I call my dick?

Useful. Because it always comes in Handy.

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A girl is about to have a heart surgery, holding hands with her boyfriend and talking

G: I love you Mike.

B: I love you more.

Girl gets put to sleep and the surgery begins.

A few hours later, she wakes up, and only her dad is next to her.

She asks : Where is Mike?

Dad answers : You don't know who gave you his heart?

Girl is shocked and start...

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.

I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."

The CDC is recommending people bump elbows instead of shaking hands. This is ridiculous advice.

Everyone knows that's how you spread elbowla.

A teacher asks the class to name something they are not good at, beginning with the letter O. One student raises his hand and answers...

Spelling


(Stephen Cookson)

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

Why did Helen Keller mastutbate with one hand?

So she could moan with the other.

I’ve got too much thyme on my hands

My hours are only parsley filled. I have anise and a nephew that I babysit, they are gingers, while my hair is salt and pepper. I guess these puns are kinda vanilla, but they’re just going to keep cumin. What’s a superheroes favorite garnish? Capers! If I keep it up you might spray me with mace. A g...

My wife waved her hands at me and said: Hey! Have you been listening?

I told her that this is a rude way to start a conversation

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An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and
important document here and my Secretary has gone for
the night. Can you make this thing work?"

“Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine
on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” ...

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My girlfriend said we couldn't have sex while she had her period, but I walked in on her masturbating

caught her red handed.

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Hand Jobs $20 (NSFW)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads

Grilled Cheese - $3
Ham and Cheese $5
Roast Beef - $6
Hand jobs -$20

A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?"

"Are you the one that gives the han...

I hear the guy who invented hand sanitiser is doing well thanks to the coronavirus

I bet he's rubbing his hands together at the thought

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Shaking hands increases the risk of contracting Coronavirus

Michael J. Fox is fucked.

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God has two last gifts to hand out to Adam and Eve.

"The first gift I have is the ability to pee while standing up." God says

"Please Lord, let me have this gift. It will be so much easier for me to take care of the animals, and tend the fields, without having to sit down to pee. My darling Eve, please let me have this amazing gift." Adam begg...

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on my hands.

11 times.

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They say that a man who keeps his hands in his pockets...

Feels cocky all day.

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Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason t...

I'm trying to figure out how to be intimate with my new girlfriend who doesn't have any hands, but...

I'm stumped.

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “May I place my hand on your shoulder?” “Sure” she replies *places hands on her shoulder*

“Thank you. that’s is really touching” she said

These cruise deals are getting out of hand

A month ago, if you paid $1500 you could cruise for seven days. But right now if you pay $219, you can cruise for the rest of your life!

Why can’t a T-Rex clap its hands?

Because it's extinct.

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When I was younger, I stole a cookie after Sunday school. As I was creeping away, I was caught red handed by a priest.

I was fucked.

[Dark] Now that everyone is washing their hands throughly

Can we get a virus that would make people park properly?

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man....

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A man hands his wife two aspirin and a glass of water...

She looks at him and says "What the hell are these for? I don't have a headache."

He smiles and says "Great. Let's fuck!"

My doctor broke his hand the other day.

The worst part is that he broke it during my prostate exam.

When life hands you

melons, you might have dyslexia

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As I lay in bed, gently nodding off, I felt a warm hand slip inside my boxer shorts and gently start to caress...

...my balls.


It was very nice, but I wasn't in the mood.


"Not tonight, honey," I mumbled. "I'm too tired."


"It fucking doesn't quite work like that in here." rasped my cellmate.

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"I got the nerves in my hands reattached."

Therapist: "And how does that make you feel?"

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

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I saw a man on a date with his really hot wife and I jokingly asked him how he wound up with a woman so beautiful. He said, I put my hands on her I am a misogynist.

I was shocked and bewildered and looked to the wife for an explanation but she turned to her husband and said, honey you have to say "massage therapist".

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Why does Marlee Matlin masturbates with one hand?

Because she moans with the other one.

You've got to hand it to Corona

They really know how to do a viral marketing campaign

A blind fella is in a department store walking up and down the aisles with a white cane in one hand while swinging a service dog on a leash above his head with the other hand. A store employee asks if he needs assistance.

The blind fella replies, “No thanks, just looking.”

I have the ability to tell someone's dominant hand just by looking at them

Nine times out of ten, it's right.

Bernie Sanders doesn't use hand sanitizer

"It kills 99.9% of germs," he says, "just another case of too much privilege for the 0.1%!"

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend.

**Friend:** wow thanks. I'm rich!

**Robin [narrows eyes]:** you’re what???

I knew a man who didn’t trust his hands

He had to keep them at arms length

A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying a series of old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in t

The head monk said: “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. ...

You got to hand it to short people

Because they usually can’t reach

A guy grabbed my right hand and leg

So, I fought for my rights

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A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?"

The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other...she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks ...

What has 15 eyes, 15 hands, and 15 feet?

15 pirates.

CDC says we should be washing our hands 5 times a day for at least 20 seconds each time.

I usually knock it out right after I brush my teeth in the morning. By 5am I’m safe for the day.

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The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I had a cramp in my hand while jerking off

The guy looked at me and asked why I stopped.

I have 6 bottles in one hand and 5 bottles In the other. what do i have?

A drinking problem

Why do mathematicians like to sit on their hands?

To make them number.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

A man without a hand

A man lost his hand due to a car accident, after living without a hand for a couple of weeks, he decides he can’t live like that, and decides to kill himself.
He goes into the top of a high building, but before he’s about jump, he looks down and see a man without any hands dancing. Confused he we...

I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.

“You’ve given me one too many.”

“That one is a freebie.”

two sailors were out in their boat when a hand appeared in the ocean

‘what’s that?’ asked the first sailor, ‘it looks as if someone’s drowning!’

‘nonsense,’ replied the second, ‘it was just a little wave’.

I didn’t like the masseuse with the fake hand

She rubbed me the wrong way.

If big hands and big feet are an indication of size and the size of the car indicates how much someone is compensating...

... it's no wonder people are terrified of clowns.

Ted’s grandmother pulls him aside at his eighth birthday party and hands him a five-dollar bill.

“Here, this is a little something extra from Grandma. But not a word of this to your brothers and sisters.”
The boy looks at the bill and responds, ...
"If you want me to stay quiet, it’s going to cost you a lot more.”

Actual true story: Met a teenager who had blood poisoning as a kid and had to have the fingers on his left hand amputated below the first joint.

He has promised me he will try the line out: "Girl, can I have your digits? 'Cause I'm missing some of mine."

Left handed people die faster

Because they don't do things the right way.

Why did the bald man have his hand down his pants?

So he could run his fingers through his hair.

A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?"

The logiciam says, "Yes."

What does a wife and a hand grenade have in common?

Pull the ring and your house is gone.

"When I started my job, they handed me three envelopes."

"*These three envelopes were left to you by the previous employee who was recently let go. He said to open them in order if you ever got into a jam.*"

The job didn't seem so tough, and after all, why would I want to take advice from the guy who was just fired? I threw the envelopes into a dra...

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A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…

A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…

He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “ $250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me “and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give...

A Roman walks into a bar, hold up his hand making a peace sign

"Five beers please"

How did people in the Snowpiercer know how to do hand-to-hand combat?

They’ve been training.

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If you have a green ball in your right hand, and a green ball in your left hand, what do you have?

Shreks dick in you mouth

I once lost my hands in an accident

The entire incident was horrendous. The mental trauma alone was incredibly difficult to battle through. It took me 8 months of therapy to get moving again. Once I was back home from all the therapy I noticed my computer at home was not working all that well. It was midly infuriating at first but the...

I must admit that my sεxual desires have been getting out of hand…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I realized I had hit rock bottom.

Did you hear about the guy handing out Bayer to those who are told bad news?

He's the bayerer of bad news

I’m particularly fond of left handed gloves

on the other hand however...

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The pope and his right hand bishop are on a flight with 25 sunny school children

They’re on their way back to the children’s hometown when one of the engine goes. Then another, and then the last two at the same time. The pilot jumps out of the cockpit and runs to the Pope.

“Your excellency, I’m really sorry, but this plane is going down and we only have two parachutes on...

A guy got a job as a postman. On his first day, he was handed a letter. He looked at it...

And thought, “this isn’t for me.”

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Ro...

The young couple was holding hands in the nudist camp.

"When I tell you that I love you," he asked, "why do you always lower your eyes?"

"To see if it's true," she answered shyly.

They say, you can tell a lot about a woman by her hands...

for instance if they are around your throat, she’s probably upset.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'...

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A young passenger tapped cab driver on the shoulder to hand him the money

Cab driver screamed; lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the cab driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop.

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What hand do you use to wipe your bum with?

Really? I use toilet paper.

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The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you...

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

Every time someone shakes my hand

they are strangling my girlfriend.

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

The human hand has a limit of how long - from wrist to fingertips - it can grow to of 11 inches...

... because if it’s longer than this, it’s a foot.

At work, if you put sanitizer on your hand then touch the receipt paper, it actually gets your fingerprint.

So much for a clean getaway.

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A man walks into a bar. Slams his hand on the bar and screams "All lawyers are assholes!"....

Angrily, another patron gets up and yells back "Watch your mouth! That is offensive to me!"

The first man responds and laughs "Are you upset because I called you an asshole???!!!"

The angry patron says "No! I'm offended you compared me to a lawyer!"

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An Amish farmer is walking through his field when he sees a guy drinking from his pond, scooping it up with his hand.

The farmer says,
"Trinken sie nicht das wasser, die
kuhe unddie schweine haben in ihm
geschissen," which means, 'Don't
drink the water, the cows and the
pigs shit in it'


The guy shouts back, "I'm a Trump
supporter, and this is America. I
don't understand your gibberi...

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Jim is in a bar men's room finishing having a pee. He zips up and washes his hand and is about to leave when he sees a man with no arms by the door.

"Hey mate, can you help me out here?" the no armed man says.

Jim grimaces but decides to help the man out. They walk over to a urinal and Jim unzips the man's pants. "Yeah, just take the old boy out for me, will you?" the man says.

Jim pulls the man's underwear down revealing the no ...

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6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

A bearded jolly-looking fat white man in a red suit and with bandaged stumps where his hands used to be walks into a bar and orders a beer with a straw.

"Who are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "Well I just lost both my hands in a freak sleigh accident last night," the man replies. "So I guess just call me Canta Plaus."

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What’s the difference between masterbation and a hand job

Single player vs local Co op

So there I was, baby oil in one hand, dinosaur glove puppet snugly on the other one.

I felt pretty stupid when the titles rolled and I realised the dvd was actually called *Walking* with dinosaurs

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Whilst trimming my neighbours hedge I was stung on the hand by a wasp. She told me that putting it in cider would soothe the pain.

Well I did that and not only did it do nothing to null the pain, I also now have a court hearing for sexual misconduct!

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Sometimes I think wanking left handed is hard.

But on the other hand,

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Starts with an F and end with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. B...

Did you know that T-Rexs can't clap their hands?

That's because of their short arms and the fact that they're all dead.

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A little kid enters the room and catches his dad masturbating

He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded.

"Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too."

"But... Why, daddy?"




"Because my hands are starting to ache"

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After a big accident, Dave was crying "O God! I have lost my left hand?"

John: Oh, Stop crying! grow a clit will ya! See that man he has lost his head, do you see him moping?

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

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Cant wait to hand pieces of candy out to kids in a few days.

At least I think it's candy, that's what the prostitute said her name was a few days ago.

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I used to feel like life was in the palm of my hand

I also used to jack off a lot

A Nigerian Prince has offered to hand over control of his mines to me.

Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger.

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

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A rabbi and a priest wanted to go for a swim at the beach, but did not have bathing suits with them...

The priest turns to the rabbi and says "why don't we just swim naked, there's no one around, and we'll keep it between ourselves".

The rabbi sees no problem with the idea, and agrees.

Once naked, the rabbi and the priest start walking towards the water, when suddenly out of nowhere see...

An elderly man said he’s not sad he’s been looking for the TV remote control for the past two hours while it was in his hand.

He’s sad because he used it to turn down the volume while trying to focus on searching for it.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

6:30 is the best time on a clock

Hands down.

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Jenny, who is blonde, is driving down the road through the countryside. As she is traveling, on the right hand side of the road she sees another blonde woman attempting to row a wooden boat in the middle of a field

Frustrated by this sight, Jenny pulls her car over to the side of the road by the field and gets out. She goes to the edge of the road and starts yelling at the woman rowing the boat.

"You dumb bitch! It's because of blondes like you doing stupid crap like this that makes the rest of us loo...

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles....

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand.

Now put it over your mouth.

The POTUS, Donald Trump is swept down a flooding river... You stand on the riverbank with a camera in one hand and a lifebuoy in the other. Now you have to make a choice....

Do you take a picture in colour or in black and white?

Wife keeps saying baking is difficult. Finally tried my hand at it

It was a piece of cake

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I was addicted to masturbating, now I’m addicted to sex.

It’s really gotten out of hand.

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