UPJOKE
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Why did Will use an open hand?

Because paper always beats Rock.

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Why did Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?

Because she used the other one to moan

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I replied, "£100 and it's yours."

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If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

Which hand do you use to cut your steak?

Neither, you use a knife.

My wife put her hand on my leg, winked at me, and told me to spice things up we should try some role-reversal in the bedroom tonight. I thought it was a great idea.

So I told her I had a headache, turned off the light, rolled over and went right to sleep.

What’s the loneliest hand in all of poker?

Jack King off

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

If I have five oranges in one hand and six in the other, what do I have?

Very big hands.

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A guy walks with two bags in his hands. One of them is torn and 20$ bills are slipping out.

Someone stops him and ask:
- Why is there so much money in your bag?
- When there is a sport game in town, I hide in the bushes nearby and when someone goes to take a piss, I say “Give me 20$ or I cut it off!”
- Ok, and what’s in the other bag?
- Well, not everyone pays…

What do you call a woman with no hands and no legs?

Carrie

A mime in my town was arrested by the police after he broke his left hand in a bar fight.

He still….has the right to remain silent.

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What did Helen Keller call a hand job?

Oral sex.

I asked my son, "If there’s a bee in my hand, what’s in my eye?!" Exasperated, he replied, "I don't know, what?"

"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"

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A man buys a second hand car

A man buys a second hand car. It's an old, run down Datsun.
The man buys the car, but as he's driving home it breaks down. When he lifts the hood, he notices that there's a cog missing.

He calls a mechanic, but he tells the man that Datsun had run out of business years ago, and that he wo...

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Did you hear how the black market gets their hands on illegal tampons?

They had to pull some strings.

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a big buff bearded man once told me when I was 13 that masturbation caused hair to grow on my hand

I asked him how did you get your beard then

Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.

Times were tough

my wife injured me with her hand job

It rubbed me the wrong way

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The other day I asked my wife to hand me the newspaper. She said, "Silly you, just use my Ipad."...

That spider had no fucking idea what hit it.

I asked my Granddaughter to hand me the newspaper. She told me newspapers are outdated, and everyone now uses tablets, so she handed me her iPad.

That Fly didn't stand a chance.

A Hollywood janitor decided to try his hand at directing

He's billing himself as "the director who swept the Oscars"

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After catching her husband cheating on her, a wife decided to take matters into her own hands

She waited until he was asleep and took a knife to his member.

She then drove to an overpass and threw it over the ledge.

At the same time, two men were driving under the overpass when the penis landed on their windshield with a "thwap" and just stayed there.


The two men...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

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If masturbation were illegal...

...a lot of men would be taking the law into their own hands.

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Bono started clapping slowly between songs during a U2 concert. "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies from starvation", he told the audience

Some guy at the front shouted, "Well stop fucking doing it then!"




^actually ^a ^true ^story

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What do you have when you have two green balls in your hand?

Kermit the Frogs undivided attention

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I crawled in bed and slid my hand up my wife's thigh,

She turned over and scoffed: "I have a headache." "perfect!" I said, "I just powdered my penis with aspirin, do you want any it orally or as a suppository?"

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

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What do you call a Prostitute that only gives hand jobs?

Jack off all trades

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over...

As I lay in bed, I felt a hand reach into my boxers and start to play with my balls. It was nice, but I wasn’t in the mood “Not tonight” I whispered “I’m tired”

“That’s not how it works in here” said my cellmate.

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

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When my wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion, I threw my hands up and shouted...

“Honey, it’s not what it looks like!”

So I was teaching a church Sunday school class this morning and asked the kids what they know about resurrection. Only one child raised her hand and said...

***"I don't know what it is but I know that if it lasts for more than four hours then you should call a doctor"***

What is something that can be on your hand, but has no physical presence?

Too much time

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My ex girlfriend Sandra's mum came steaming up to me in the supermarket earlier, with a six-pint bottle of milk in her hand..

She ripped the lid off and poured the lot over my head.

"THAT.." she yelled, "Is from our Sandra."

"Oh don't talk like a cunt." I replied. "That could be from any cow."

What do you call a hand job from a communist?

Seizing the means of reproduction.

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A lawyer, an environmentalist and a teacher were going the bathroom.

The lawyer gets done, washes his hands and uses the entire roll of tissue paper to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be thorough.", he said.

The environmentalist washes his hands and uses his own kerchief to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be environment friendly.", he said.

The teach...

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A man walks into a restaurant with an emu by his side.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says: “A burger, chips and a coke, please.”

He then turns to the emu and nods. “I’ll have the same,” says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order and says: “That will be £14.40 please.” The man reaches into his pocket ...

The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

When he sees the car, he motions to the driver and says: "Do you mind if I ask you a favor?"

"A favor for the Pope??" exclaims the driver, "of course - anything!"

"You know, I hardly ever get to drive, and I'd really like it if I got to drive now. Would you please let me?"
...

Inflation is really getting out of hand..

That’s just my 3 cents.

What did little Timmy, with no hands, receive for Christmas?

I dunno', he hasn't opened it yet.

What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a handshake.

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

There are 27 bones in your hand

28 if you're lonely

Hold it firmly in your hand, put it in your mouth, lick it, straighten it, and put it in the hole

Man, threading a needle is difficult work.

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Same sound as a G.I. Jane joke apparently

When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I will still be able to write with it ?

He said, "Probably! But I wouldn't count on it."

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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

I just shot my protein all over my desk, pants, floor and my sheets nearby even though my hand was covering the tip.

Note to self, don't mix whey protein with sparkling water, it will explode.

A woman goes to a fortune teller As they sat there in the candlelit tent, the mystic waved her hands around the crystal ball, divining the woman’s future. Suddenly, the sooth-sayer’s hands went to her face and a gasp of horror escaped her mouth.

“I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’ll be blunt.” the fortune teller says. “You need to prepare yourself to become a widow. Your husband will be murdered in a manner most gruesome before the year is done.”

The woman was petrified, unable to process the information that’s been given to he...

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A blind girl was giving me a handjob once

She says "Wow, this is the biggest dick I've ever layed my hands on!"

I'm like "Nah, you're just pulling my leg"

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?

Because they have no rights.

After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.

Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.

She...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

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A husband comes home to his wife with a duck in his hands

...and says ‘this is the pig I’ve been Fucking’

The wife says ‘that’s not a pig, that’s a duck’

The husband says ‘I wasn’t talking to you’

my dad asked me why my report card was all wet when I handed it to him

He should have noticed all the grades were below c-level....



From three mind of my 10 year old favorite daughter....

What is the difference between a marriage and a hand grenade?

>!None!!<

>!If you pull off the ring the house is gone...!<

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I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand...

WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?

What do crabs say when they shake hands?

Ouch.

Just had a Palm reader read my hand today.

She said she wanted a second edition! Apparently the message was to heavy handed, to improve she said I should wash my hands of any unnecessary plot lines.

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

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A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover in the pub and decides to wind him up so he shouts over 'How's the second-hand pussy?'

Quick as a flash, her lover replies 'Great! After the first three inches it's like brand new'

A man hands out printouts on Red Square. He's then arrested.

Once at the police station, the officers realize that his leaflets were empty. He says, "Everyone knows what the problem is, so why bother writing it down?"

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Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.

I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.

The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.

If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* sh...

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Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

I knew my fetishes were getting out of hand, when I spanked a statue…

I had hit rock bottom

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

A wife sits down opposite her husband and takes his hand in hers.

Wife: Honey, I’ve got something to tell you.

Husband: What is it?

Wife: Darling, I’m pregnant.

Husband: Hello pregnant, I’m dad!

Wife: .....no you’re not.

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one...

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body...

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

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I told my wife if we didn't have sex soon...

I'd take matters into my own hand.

"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian."

Is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

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A women decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.<...

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.

With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

If using your hands to get a guy off is a handjob and using your feet is a footjob,

Then using paint to get a guy off is a paintjob.

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When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic....

Maybe they just want each other to shut the fuck up.

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A man was on a golf course near Doonbeg Ireland and was about to dip his hand in a lake to take a drink of water when the groundskeeper yelled ...

“Oy! - Dinna peut ya haand en a loch! It’s feeeled wi coo piss n coo shite!”

“Hey” - said the man. "I just bought this golf course and we’re going to have the best groundskeepers. The best. I've been talking about it for a long time, along with many other subjects, frankly. What you just said...

I found a used football in a second hand store...

I picked it up and took it to the counter.

"How much is this?" I asked

"That'll be $5" said the owner. "Would you like me to pump it up for you?"

"Of course, thanks a lot!" I replied.

So, he got a small pump from under the counter and in a few seconds the ball was as good...

Did you hear about the guy who stole all that hand sanitizer?

They couldn't prosecute, his hands were clean.

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NSFW My Favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke

NSFW

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and he...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant

He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my ri...

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.

The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

Billy Bob was impressed with Al's first week as a farm hand..

It was Friday and Billy Bob told Al we are partying tonight!

Billy Bob: There's gonna be a lot of fightin!

Al: I love me a rumble!

Billy Bob: there's gonna be some boozing!

Al: I love me some whiskey!

Billy Bob: There's gonna be some F$&king!

Al: I'm lo...

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

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A Father Walks into rsetaurant

**A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.**

**Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts**

**slapping him on the back. The ...

Why are smart watches worn on the left hand?

If they were worn on the right hand guys would have had 3 times more steps than girls

My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one.

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A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home. "You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants." "Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?" "When she tried to ta...

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A Bus Full Of Nuns....

......falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter.
St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-...

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

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One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She appr...

Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv and they suddenly hit a pig...

Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble

And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab.

So he walked all the way to the airport ...

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My 2 year old told his first joke.

We were walking down to the car and he put his hands in his pockets. He says oh mummy what's that in my pocket.

I dont know sweetheart let's see what it is

Pulls out his hands and shouts 'my hands' and does jazz hands and kills himself laughing.

He takes after his dad. His smile...

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A man complains to his wife his dick is numb and he’s freaking out…

[Dumb joke I just thought up.]

So he says “wrap your hand around my dick and I’ll see if I can feel it.”

She does so and he shakes his head. She tells him “honey, go to the doctor!”

The next day he thinks up another idea and asks her, “maybe if you put your mouth on my dick I ca...

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18...

4 religious women were chatting

First woman mentions her son:

-My son is a priest, whenever he enters a community, people stand up and call him, "Father, welcome"

The second woman doesn't seem impressed:

-My son is a bishop, people call him "Your excellency" when he is in a community.

The third woman ta...

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She used Vaseline to give me a hand job.

I came 3 times in the shower trying to wash the shit off.

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Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three mates get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, an...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

[NSFW] I've been giving the same guy handjobs for over 20 years.

Being single is the WORST!

A boy in kindergarten raises his hand to ask a question.

The teacher says: “what’s your question?”

He asks: “can people my age have kids?”

The teacher answered: “no, they cannot.”

The boy looks at the girl sitting by his side and says: “Told you not to worry”

Why did the boy put his hands in the toilet?

Because it was his duty.

(Likely accidental courtesy of my 4 yr old daughter).

At the end of our last argument, my wife was on her hands and knees before me!

And then she said: "Get out from under the couch, you coward!"

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand.

The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the...

Pharaoh's were buried with their hands across their chest...

....because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

[OC. Hope you like!] Every birthday my Grandmother makes me hand sewn clothing as a gift and mails them from her hometown...

... Last year she sent me an oversized ascot. Now, I haven't seen her since I was a kid and I'm an average sized adult male now, but my sweet grandmother must have thought I grew into being a giant because everything she sends me is extremely large and I just can't fit anything she makes so I simpl...

Who is the most eligible guy at a nudist resort?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand. And a dozen donuts.



Who is the most eligible woman at a nudist resort?

The one who can eat the last donut.

If you have a green ball in one hand…

And another green ball in the other hand, what do you have?

Complete control over Kermit the frog.

A pianist cuts his hand on the notes B, D, and F#.

He goes to the doctor and tells him this. The doctor says

The damage looks to B minor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you drive with one hand

Woman driver suffering from a cold has the heating on full blast. She stops to pick up a young beautiful hitchhiker.

After a while, the blonde starts to feel too hot, so asks for permission to remove an item of clothing.

The driver is now half focused on the road and half on the blond...

A farmhand loses both his farm and his hand after getting into a fight with his dad over politics...

...would be a really bad but accurate way to describe the plot of Star Wars.

The Pope and Putin are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans over to Putin and says, “Do you know, that with one wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts for the rest of their lives, and whenever they speak of thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a very unattractive person who hands out naked photos of themselves?

A bearer of bad nudes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, ‘I've been sav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer boards a plane and takes his seat in business class.

A few moments later, two more men wander in and sit next to him. They get to chatting and he discovers they are doctors.

After a few moments, one of the doctors comments that he needs a drink.

"It's ok, I'll get it for you," says the lawyer, and gets up. The doctors notice he has take...

Student: (*hands in exam*) "I've been writing for 2 hours but I haven't answered a single question!"

Politics Teacher: "Congratulations, that's a straight A."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.<...

My son came running back from school waving a paper in his hand.

Daddy, Daddy. Look! I got a B in my reading test!

That’s a D you idiot.

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