If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

Handjobs [nsfw]

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductivel...

I can count on one hand, all of the times I’ve been to Chernobyl

14

Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?

Brochure.

I was asked to be a hand model

I don't know why my parents looked weird at me, when I told them I got $100 for a hand job.

In America, what do you call someone who barges into your house with a gun demanding you hand over your stuff?

A police officer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's an old farmer with 3 beautiful daughters. He is very protective of them and meets every potential suitor at the front door, with a loaded shotgun in his hands.

Sure enough, come Saturday evening there's a knock at the door. The farmer jumps up, throws open the door and points his shotgun at the young man.

The fellow is a little startled, but manages to say "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm here to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I couldn’t give a shit about what vegans eat. Cannibals on the other hand...

WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I’m holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really fucking huge cricket.

The doctor hands a new father his baby and says to him, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it".

The man hands back the baby to the doctor and says, "go get the one my wife made".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex...

Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?

6:30 is the BEST time on the clock

Hands down

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful busty blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...

I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...

While performing I asked the crowd to give me a hand.

When I was given a hand, I realised I should have thought twice about performing at the Leper Colony.

My girlfriend asked me to hand her some lipstick and I accidentally gave her a glue stick

She still isn’t talking to me

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

“The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

What do you call a second-hand prostitute?

An after-thot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife’s legs and fondled her.

Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. “What are you doing that for?” asked her husband. “Well, after what you’ve just done, I thought you were keen for some sex.”

“Oh no, not at all,” he replied.

“Th...

You've got to hand it to blind prostitutes...

... no seriously you've got to

A newfie was walking up the wharf with a small lobster in each hand.

He was half way up to his truck when he saw a fishery officer approaching him.
"Ha we got ya now buddy, that's a $10000 fine in each hand!" exclaimed the officer.
"Naw these aint no ordinary lobsters b'y, dese are me pet lobsters!" George said calmly.
"I takes em for a dip here e'ry day ...

How many hands have I lost?

More than I can count on my fingers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

Did you hear about the man whose left hand and foot got amputated?

He's alright.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is walking when he suddenly falls and injures his hand.

On his way to the hospital, he sees this huge ad on a new machine, the ad claimed that the machine is able to diagnose any disease and write treatment plans for it only by taking urine sample.

The man walks to the machine puts a penny in it and then gives the sample.

After a few beeps,...

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store

I was like "You're not going to find what you're looking for"

A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks.

A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You gotta hand it to toilets...

they can take a lot of shit.

What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?

Gloves.




Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once a man decided to worship a Celtic god of good fortune named Sucellus.

(*This particular god carries a large hammer*) Since nobody has worshipped him for millennia, the God was pleased and decided to appear before the man.

God: You mortals have forgotten me for so long. I am very flattered that you thought to worship me. For that I will grant you three wishes.<...

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

What do you have if you've got a green ball in each hand?

The Hulk's undivided attention.

Clocks are weird, they have a little hand

And a minute hand

What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?

If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. I ran my hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, I proceeded to run my hand gently down her side, sliding my hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist...

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time my wife was becom...

My friend told me that my fruit puns were getting out of hand.

He is just jealous that son of a peach.

Back when I was in the army, I killed a whole squadron of soldiers with my bare hands.

I probably should have worn gloves while cooking.

If I hold sodium in my hand...

Do I have Napalm?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried some anti-masturbation hand cream for the first time.

It's fantastic - can't beat it

Can anyone recommend a second-hand store?

I need a new one for my watch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the breakfast table the next morning the husband put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. “Oh bloody hell, what a party last night, I can’t remember a thing about it. Did I make a prat of myself?”

“You sure did,” replied his wife. “You put your hand up the skirt of your boss’s wife and told your boss to piss off.”

“Shit! What happened?”

“He sacked you.”

“Well, fuck him, the bastard.”

“I did,” replied the wife, “and you’ve got your job back.”

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

Old lady on the bus

she hands the bus driver some peanuts, to which he says "thank you" and eats them all.

Few moments later she hands him some more peanuts. This time he says "oh no thank you, why don't you eat them". Old lady replies " oh i couldn't possibly do that, I have no teeth you see".

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I saw my son playing with a Barbie I'd slap it out of his hands.

Because they are manufactured in China and I can't support products that are offshoring labor to a country with numerous human rights violations. Not to mention, that's super gay.

Man, it's so cold outside..

I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets

If I have 5 pies in one hand and 6 pies in the other, what do I have?

Adele’s undivided attention

Dirty hands are a sign of clean money....

Unless you’re a grave robber

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.

"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags i...

I just saw a man repair his monocle with his bare hands.

It was a spectacle to behold.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.

His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?"

"Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, ...

The cashier at the Hand Gestures Store told me they were having a sale on slaps today.

So I told him, "Give me five!"

What do you call an infant with no hands?

A feetus.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does Edward Penis-hand fears the most?

An itching butt.

A friend once asked me what's my favorite time of the day

I said it was simple: 6:30, hands down!

An old lady walks into an Apple store with a dripping wet MacBook in hand.

She finds an employee and tells him that her MacBook wouldn’t turn on after she cleaned it. The employee looks at the MacBook and sees that it’s soaking wet.

“Ma’am did you wash it with water?” He asks.

“Yes but I don’t think that’s what killed it.” Replied the old lady.

“Than w...

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back...

.A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"

The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."

The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"

The nurse, bewildered, turns to a d...

You gotta hand it to short people

Because they can't reach it themselves

"Look, ma, no hands."

"Stop insulting your little brother, Billy. He was born this way."

The rheumatologist turned chef hands you your plate

And she says
"Bon Atrophy"

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

Every wonder why Republicans use two hands when they’re drinking out of a water bottle?

It’s to prevent it from trickling down.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When life hands you lemons, do not have sex with them.

That's how you get LemonAIDS.

How many bones do you have in your hand?

At least a handful.

There are 27 bones in a human hand.

28 when you are lonely.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met a real life pirate. He had a patch over his eye, a hook for a hand, and a peg leg.

I asked what happened to his leg. He told me he got shot with a cannon, and it took it clean off. I asked why he has a hook for a hand. He said that a shark bit it off while he was out at sea. I asked what happened to his eye. He told me a seagull pooped in his eye. I said "that can make you ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you have a green ball in your left hand and another green ball in your right what do you have?

The Hulk’s cock in your mouth

The last date I had I thought was like Allstate I thought I was in "Good hands".

Turns out she was underage so they switched me to State Farm.

I have 3 heads , 6 legs and 9 hands. What am I?

Ugly.

My mom told me that it’s impossible to shoot fireballs from your hands.

I disagree, I told her shoryuken.

Smoking a cigarette in a crowded room, I was a little bit worried at first when someone screamed at me, "Did you know second hand smoke is worse than smoking!?!"

But after a little thought I realized I had made the right decision.

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] A man notices a pirate and asks him, “Excuse me sir, but why do you have a hook hand?”

The pirate says, “Arr, yes, me hook hand. A sword cut me right below the elbow.”

“Well, what about your peg leg?” Says the man

“Arrr, me peg leg. A cannonball shot me right below the kneecap.”

“Well, what about your patch eye?”

“Arrr, me patch eye, I was standing on the ...

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand.

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can't feel it anymore

and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife went out today, so I had my hands full watching our daughter. She's kind of a whirling dervish, running around, bouncing off the walls, when suddenly, she stopped to play with my computer, broke the R button and tried to eat it...

She craves anarchy...

Kentuckians

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that ...

He touched her hand and she touched his hand

What a touching story

If life hands you melons...

you might be dyslexic.

A husband and wife are getting ready for a costume party. Since they have nothing on hand to wear for the event, the husband suggests to his wife that she should put a lemon between her legs as he puts the potato between his. Confused, she asks what it's all about.

The husband says, "Honey, you be the sourpuss, and I'll be the dictator."

A group of Qubits walks into a bar holding hands.

The same group stayed outside the bar.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to bed with a blind girl last night and she said I had the biggest dick she’d ever laid her hands on.

“You’re pulling my leg,” I said.

Did you hear about the guy who got shot in the hand?

It hurt like hell, but on the other hand he's fine.

My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother's surprise birthday party

That's when I realized he was her favorite twin

You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes?

8 Pirates

You don’t really wash your hands

They actually wash each other while you stand there and watch

Me: Hey how much for a hand job? Hooker: $30, do you want one?

Me: No, I was curious how much I save when I do it myself

The seamstress tried her hand at making jokes.

But this time she was all out of material.

I had a threesome some days ago...

Two people didn't show up tho, so I had to take matters into my own hands.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A construction worker on the 5th floor needed a hand saw...

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor...

What's worse than the doctor putting his hand on your shoulder during a prostate exam?

The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You have to hand it to Trump

Obama proved that a competent, intelligent black man was qualified enough to be the President of the United States. Trump proved that *any* black man was qualified to be President.

What is the similarity between a hand grenade and your wife..

If you remove the ring you'll lose your house

The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.

She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

Why did Thor throw his axe at Thanos's chest, instead of cutting off the hand with the gauntlet?

Because he was going for the kill shot instead of disarming him.

Heard they are getting rid of the 1p coin. Not sure how I feel about this...

On one hand I'm opposed to change but on the other I'm opposed to change.