Left Jokes - 116 Hilarious Left Jokes

My dad left his job

He wanted to pursue archeology. His career is now in ruins.

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my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa

kenya believe it?

and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them

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What did the Indian kid say to his parents when he left for school

Mum bai

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My blind wife left me

At least she isn’t seeing anyone else

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A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues...

Oh wait. She's back. She just went to get some milk.

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

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Pilot left his microphone on.

After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot
' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'.

An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone.

When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.

Bob left work Jokes ;)

Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours...

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My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious

or did she?

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My wife left me for an Indian guy

I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

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My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid.

Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.

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How do you tell if OP has left the hotel?

Username checks out

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My wife left me because I am too insecure.

Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

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I left my adderall in my Ford Fiesta.

Now it's a Ford Focus.

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When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely

Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink. She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

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Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?

Because they have no rights.

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My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD.

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

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My wife left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park.

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

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My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

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Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee

He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate...

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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?

Because a toothbrush works better.

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I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts'...

Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right

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Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open do...

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My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye."

I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.

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The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

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My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that I had a name for my penis

I guess I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands

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A rich man died and left $2 million each to a rabbi, a priest, and an imam

He stipulated in his will that half the money must be buried with him in the grave.

At his funeral, the priest gets up, gives a short speech, and tosses $1 million into the grave.

The imam gets up, says a few words, and drops $1 million into the open grave.

Finally, the rabbi ge...

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge

"It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I am going to my mom's place."

I opened the fridge.
The light came on.
The beer was cold...
What the hell did she mean?

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My husband left a note on the fridge that said, ....

...."This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

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I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.

She was lack-toes intolerant.

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My wife left me because I bought the a Nintendo, but I'm not even upset...

it was time for a switch

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My wife left me because of autocorrect

That's the last time she'll ever text me saying "Can you please bring home some milf from the supermarket?"

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My wife left me, so I posted all the nudes she ever sent me onto r/gonewild.

The mods removed them though as they go against the rules.

They don't allow reposts.

My girlfriend left me because of my “unhealthy obsession” with USSR memorabilia...

She said there were too many red flags!

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A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

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What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek?

If we stick together we can stop all this shit!

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Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

Last night a local church was robbed. Miraculously the golden Jesus on the cross was left behind.

They took everything that wasn't nailed down.

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My wife said my stew was too salty, was far too watery and left her with a strange metallic after taste.

Bitch... I put my blood, sweat and tears into that dish.

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One year, I had been a naughty child, and Santa left me a piece of coal.

So I poisoned his cookies.
But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad.

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A farmer’s wife left him after she found him having sex with one of the ponies after she went to sleep.

It was her worst fucking night mare.

Doctor: "You're terminal. You haven't more than six months left to live."

"I want a second opinion."
"You're also ugly."

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Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off?

---

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I took penis enlargement pills, but still my wife left me.

She just couldn't take it any longer.

Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.

The brunette left and decided to go shopping.

The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.

The blonde decided to go home and surprise her husband, but when she arrive home she heard noises in the bedroom. She slowly walked up, peaked through the door, and ...

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I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

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My girlfriend left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni now. 😔

(Thanks for the silver! X 😊😊)

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A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

The man: “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”

The guy: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man: “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with...

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As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

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You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

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A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog shit on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."

I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."

My last girlfriend had 10 personalities and one day she just left me...

for 9 other guys.

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Dad had the opportunity to buy his medications directly from the pharmacy company. "Here is your prescription sir, that will be $515 dollars." Dad was a bit hard of hearing so he only heard the $15. He dropped that amount on the counter and left. The clerk yelled "Wait sir, $515 dollars!"

But Dad was already gone so they reported it to the manager. "Should we call the police sir?" "No, $5 profit is better than nothing."

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What did the right buttcheek say to the left?

It's amazing that we're still together. Even after all the shit we've been through

My wife left me because I never put the toilet seat down.

To be fair, I'm not quite sure why I started carrying it around with me.

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To the couple that left their 9 children at Yankee stadium for the day

Please come pick them up. They're beating the Yankees 11 - 2.

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At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground

Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot

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I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. But that didn't faze me. As I left, I told 'em...

"I'll be returning"

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My wife left me because I use only one brand for my clothes, sportswear and perfumes.

Turns out she's Lacoste intolerant.

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My wife left me because I am "ignorant" and "apathetic".

I don't know what that means, but I don't care.

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Why did Beyoncé sing "to the left, to the left"?

Because black people don't have rights.

Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident…

but I’m now recovering, I’m all right now.

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I think my girlfriend left me because of my small dick.

She said she just wasn’t feeling it.

You're on vacation, and you've arrived at your hotel. The elevators in the lobby are numbered, from left to right, 1, 2, 3, 5, and 4.

Curious, you try to enter elevator 5, but are stopped by the bell boy.

"You can't use that elevator," he says.
"Why not?"
"It's out of order"

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My wife left me after I've had front parts of my feet sawn off.

Turns out she's lack toes intolerant.

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Genie: You have two wishes left

Genie: You have two wishes left

Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P instead

Penie: And your final wish?

Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S instead

Penis:

Ms: Nics

A left leaning politician walks into a bar

The bartender asks:
Have you received therapy for your scoliosis yet?

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My wife left me for another man.

All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.
And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.

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My friend had a butler who had his left arm cut off.

Serves him right.

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After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

Who was that?

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A man was cleaning out the basement of the house his grandfather left him...

...when he came across an old metal oil lamp. The man starts wiping it off with his shirt when two genies emerge from the lamp.

"Holy shit!" the guy exclaims.

"We are the genies of the lamp. We have been stuck inside that lamp for decades, and you have freed us. We will grant you three...

When rowing a boat, do you use the left paddle or the right paddle?

Either oar.

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A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

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My second wife left me because I have "revenge issues"

We'll see about that...

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Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

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Why can't you trust a left-handed mathematician with graph paper?

They'll plot something sinister.

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My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

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If there are 502 bricks in a plane and 1 falls off, how many are left?

>!501.!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

>!You open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.!<

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

>!You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.!<

So, the ...

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Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered...

Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed read...

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When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.

It always was my achilles elbow.

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My wife left me, Cosmo, after doing some trigonometry.

She saw a tan gent and chose sin over Cos'.

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Why are male bathrooms on the left, and female bathrooms on the right?

Because no matter what, women are always right, even when they're full of shit.

Family had no money left, so the husband sent his wife to work the streets.

She came home in the morning, and her husband asked:”How much did you make?”

“$804” she said

“Which idiot gave you $4 ???” he asked

“Well... everyone...”

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The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom...

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My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. I left him at the vets.

No word yet.

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What did the left breast say to the right breast?

We've got to get some support, or they're going to think we are nuts.

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A man with two left feet goes into a shoe store...

...and asks the shop assistant: "Do you sell flip-flips?"

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When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left.

I don’t want to intimidate her with the competition right away

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Never argue with left handed people

Because they are never right

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My wife left me because of my obsession with golf

It’s ok

I figured our relationship was on the 18th hole

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Something tells I left my stovetop on

I just can't put my finger on it.

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My wife of 10 years left me because I didn't do enough chores

It was devastating. I didn't do much to deserve it

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Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?

Now normally I would say he’s all right. But actually he’s dead.

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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blo...

If you put your left shoe on the wrong foot

You’ve put it on the right foot.

My 9yr old daughter swears she just made that up. She said “you should put it on Reddit”

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I left my wife after I found out she was a paleoscatologist.

She loves digging up old shit.

My friend's dad was just telling me his wife Ruth left him for another man..

I just said "Ruthless.."

He did not laugh..

True story.

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I'm never hungry anymore after all my friends left

Probably because they desserted me

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Why do late night comedians skew left wing?

Because the right wing viewers have to work in the morning.

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Why was there money left behind on the deck of Titanic after its fateful collision?

It was the tip of the iceberg.

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I recently left my job after I came into a large sum of money.

Or as the bank tells it, I was fired for ejaculating in the safe.

When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs

How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I'll never know

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I left two Justin Beiber tickets in my car and

some bastard broke in and left two more.

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Best left unsaid

A man walks by a pet store with a parrot sitting outside. As he walks by, the parrot says “Hey buddy, fuck you!” The man is taken aback but decides to just ignore it and go about his day.

The next week, he is walking by the same store and the parrot is still out there. As he walks by, the par...

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

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Left a review for my pest control company:

Con's: The pesticide they used made me go blind

Pro's: Haven't seen a bug all year

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The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

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A woman was walking down the street with her left tit out...

A policeman stops her and says

_"Miss, do you know your left tit is hanging out?"_

She looks down says

_"Shit! I left the baby on the bus again!"_

Little Johnny's trip to the zoo left him breathless

and the boa constrictor euthanized.

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Did you hear about the man who lost his entire left side in an accident?

He's fucking dead... Oh wait nvm, he is all right.

You know why the gates of heaven are always left open?

Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!

Merry Christmas everyone!

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Why is Beyonce always singing about going "To the left"?

Because women have no rights.

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