A guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his girlfriend from his wallet and said 'she's beautiful isn't she'

I said 'if you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife'

He asked 'why, is she a stunner?'

I replied 'no, she's an optician'

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

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Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use the...

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

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A russian went out of Stalin's office and says to himself

This stupid mustached man.
A KGB officer hears him and grabs him to stalin and tells him what he heard.
Stalin to the man: who did you mean when you said "mustached man".
The man: Hitler of course.
stalin to the KGB officer: And who YOU thought he was referring to?

I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...

my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"

Who’s Irish and stays out all night?

Patty O’Furniture

What is green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?

A pool table

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because he was 2²

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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking marijuana and appeared in court. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, I'd like to give you a second chance. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew a little circle in a big circle and told them the big circle is your...

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Isaac is a Jewish man, however he recently found out his son converted to Christianity. This is no good, for Isaac is a proud, devout Jew. This shouldn’t happen to a proud Jew like he.

So Isaac visits his friend Abel and says ‘Abel, Abel, my son has become a Christian, what am I going to do?’
‘Funny you should say that’ says Abel, ‘My son has also become a Christian, this should not happen to a proud, devout Jew like I. So they talk with each other and say ‘we’ll talk to the Ra...

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.<...

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Why do vampires usually pull out during sex?

They can't come inside without an invitation.

Bob and a few of his coworkers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"

Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birth...

Why was the mermaid kicked out of Geometry class?

She forgot her Algae-bra.

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A man's wife sends him out to get some cigarettes

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.<...

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

While Donald Trump is out there, causing a fuss, what is his opponent doing?

He is just waiting around like an average Joe, Biden his time.

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

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A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.

The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and asks, "Were you the one being robbed?"

"No, I committed the robbery," the man casually says....

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

A blonde arrives at work crying out loud

The boss asks worried what happened to her, to which she answers:

"I got a call this morning and found out my mother was dead."

The boss comforts her:

"Why don't you go home today to rest? We don't have too much work to do anyway."

The blonde refuses, saying that she ...

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was communist

I should have known, there were red flags everywhere

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!” 
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

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A father and son are hanging out in their living room watching TV

Suddenly the dad’s feet are cold and he asks the son to get him his slippers from upstairs.

While upstairs the son sees two of his sister’s friends so he goes up to both of them and says, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

“you're lying", They say

The son ...

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

I got kicked out of the hospital!

Apparently the sign “STROKE PATIENTS HERE” meant something completely different.

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Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning

Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning, anticipating that he'd be getting a new Nintendo Console this year.

"Surprise!" shouted his parents. "We know you wanted video games, but we think you need to get outdoors more. We got you this set of fishing gear! Unfortunately, it was rather expe...

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...

It went in one ear and out the other.

Most people are shocked when they find out...

how bad I am as an electrician.

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row...

...they told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

My Wife found out that our Dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the Veterinarian.......

The Vet found that the problem was Hair in the Dog's Ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the Dog could then hear fine.

The Vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Veet" hair remover and rub it in the Dog's ...

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I've just found out my grandad is addicted to Viagra.

Nobody is taking it harder than my grandmother.

I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height…

Apparently, they didn’t like my critter sizing.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

Every morning when I leave the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It's a vicious cycle.

My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

This goes out to whoever invented the 0

Thanks for nothing

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How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,‟You know,I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off befo...

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.



At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”



The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the...

I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

A guy is sitting on his porch when his blonde neighbor walks out to her mailbox.

She opens the mailbox, looks in, colses it up and walks back into the house. Five minutes later, she does the same thing. After another five minutes, the same thing, but this time she's visibly angry. She comes out again after another five minutes, looking furious. She looks in the mailbox and slams...

We were so poor when I was growing up, that my mother made us clothes out of the offcuts my dad would bring from home from work at the sandpaper factory.

It was rough.

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a smartly-dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".

The smartly-dressed man says "This is ...

Pearl Jam just came out with a product that regulates women’s periods

They’re calling it Even Flow

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

Doctor: Your body has ran out of magnesium.

Me: 0mg

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

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What do you call couples who use pull out as a means of birth control?

Parents

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A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, "Pig!" The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, "Bitch!"

They continue on their way, and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

Obi Wan: “Yoda, why did the Star Wars movies come out 4,5,6,1,2,3

Yoda: “In charge of scheduling I was”

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I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in..

I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting:

Which girls are single.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

I need everyone to wish me luck. I have a meeting at the bank later and if all goes well, I will be out of debt.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask.

A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, ‟If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog s...

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

A man takes a hooker out to dinner.

He gives her his peas.

She gives him herpes..

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A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

Frank farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Frank, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Becaus...

A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant

The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman’s doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.

“What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

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A man and his wife go out to dinner in a restaurant.

The wife is in the bathroom when the waiter comes to take orders.

He asks the man, "Any idea what she's having?"

The man replies, "Well it's been fifteen minutes, so probably a shit".

A man walks past a house that has a sign posted up saying "Boat for sale" and decides to check it out

As he's walking up the driveway, all he sees is an old car and a grill.

Confused, he knocks on the door and asks the Jamaican home owner, "hey, I can see that you have a sign out front saying you've got a boat, but all I can see is an old car and a grill.."

"Ya mon!" the Jamaican home...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

I spent over 3 hours making a belt out of herbs, but in hindsight...

it's just a waist of thyme.

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!" Well, it was an immediate hit...

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the bla...

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.

We call those people cops.

Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.

Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it

A guy walks out of a bar

On his way home he heads up an alley way and in that alley way, he sees a dumpster with a lamp in it

The guy picks up the lamp, opens its lid and a genie pops out saying “ I am the genie of the lost lamp and I will grant you 3 wishes but whatever you ask for, you’re ex wife gets double”
...

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with...

I finally figured out why Donald Trump is orange.

He lives in a Fanta Sea.

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

At the Last Supper, Jesus got out a loaf of bread and said "this is my body, eat it to remember me." Then Jesus got out a glass of wine and said "this is my blood, drink it to remember me."

Then Jesus got out a jar of mayonnaise and THAT'S when Judas knew this was going too far.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

A miner moves out west to California...

A miner moves out west to California. Having spent a few years in Colorado, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dawn 'til dusk in the mines, and then up from dusk 'til dawn drinking and playing card games.

So, to his surprise, when he moves to Bluster's Bl...

I once asked a teddy bear out for dinner

He said he was already stuffed

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I flopped my cock out in front of a girl last night and said, "Do you like my new piercing?"

After staring at my penis for 30 seconds she said, "Where's the piercing then?"

I said, "In my ear."

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A man is shopping at an adult video store when the cashier tells him, "If you're looking for something extra, check out the room in the back..."

Curious, the man heads to the back of the store and finds a long hallway lined with gloryholes. As soon as he walks in, he hears seductive coos and beckoning comments from behind each wall. Peering into some of the holes, he is surprised to see gorgeous women from all around the world waiting on the...

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot...

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told hte jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
anoth...

A man made a motorcycle completely out of wood

It had a wooden engine, a wooden frame, wooden tires, wooden gas tank, everything was wood.

But did he ride it?

No, wooden start....

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window

When he said “it’s going to rain”

His wife asked “How do you know?”

Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, Dear

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NSFW DARK JOKE: Never eat out a woman who had an abortion.

That shit is haunted.

Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof

I was shocked.

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CAN MODS OF THIS SUB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO ARE ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE ...

Rick Astley doesn't mind lending out his Disney movies...

But he's never gonna give you Up.

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I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

Two friends named Michael and Ron were hanging out, pondering about things, while having a smoke..

Michael: Hey, Ron.. can I ask you something?!

Ron: Yeah, sure. Go on.

Michael: Do you think there's such a thing as a dumb question?

Ron: No.. that's just a stupid thing to ask!

A physicist asks his friend “want to test out my new quantum computer?”

Friend agrees, sits down and quite impressed says “oh wow, would you look at that”

Physicist: “Great... I guess I need to get a new one”

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her fitness trainer.

Me: "Okay, this isn't working out."

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A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield...

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just an insect."

"Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are out for a drive when they are stopped by the police.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" demands the cop. "No," replies Heisenberg, "but I knew where I was."

The cop sniffs, then opens the trunk and says "And do you know there is a dead cat in here?". "Well, I do *now*!" Schrodinger scowls.

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A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.

“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for fifteen years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the g...

For all you insomniacs out there

Only 3 sleeps until Christmas

My girlfriend was sad that her dog died so I went out and got her an identical dog

Then she said "what the hell am I going to do with two dead dogs?

Out of curiosity, Rose one day asks her mother, "Mom, why am I named Rose?"

"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head," her mom said.

Lily hears this and asks, "Then why is my name Lily?"

"Because when you were born a lily fell on your head," the mom said.

When brick heard this he asks

"GAHGAFSGAHSVGAGA?"

I just found out I have Alzheimers

I just found out I have Alzheimers

My kid and I wrote this together: Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?

Because he took a leek!

(Please don’t kick us out, just lettuce leave)

What did the doe say when she came out of the forest?

I'll never do that for two bucks again!

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2 middle aged women go out on the town for a girls night out

At the end of the night, they both have been drinking so much that they decide to walk home. Halfway home, they both have to piss pretty badly. Nothing is open at 3AM, so they duck into a graveyard they’re passing by to squat behind a couple of tombstones. They both realize that they have nothing to...

Dinosaurs really got wiped out by a rock

Shoulda picked paper

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.

Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

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Why were the balls stressed out standing in line?

The guy in front them was a huge dick. The guy behind them kept spouting off and being a loud asshole

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

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A boyfriend and a girlfriend are about to go out to see some friends. The girlfriend says "do I look nice in these jeans?" The boyfriend says "if I tell you the truth you won't be mad" the girlfriend said yes.

The boyfriend says "I fucked your sister"

What happens if you put a condom on inside out?

You rubber the wrong way.

How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico?

With the help of a hose eh.

My wife is kicking me out because she's fed up with my South American animal puns...

'OK,' I said, 'Alpaca my bags.'

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an actual oc joke i wrote out like a week ago

One day, a father is enjoying a walk alone, getting his sweet fresh air away from the nagging children and wife. However, enjoying the walk too much, he shuts his eyes. Turning a corner is a very wealthy man in a hurry, who ends up bumping into the father.

Both get up, and the father speaks u...

Does anyone want to hang out, chat, and basically just be buddies with a lonely guy?

I’m asking for a friend.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen her face as I drove pasta.

Took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning..

Being a sniper is awesome sometimes

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A guy and a girl go out on a date..

It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get th...

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How do you get a penis out of a wine bottle?

Thanks in advance

I came out of the closet to my boss and was fired on the spot

He’s still asking how I got in his closet

So my oilfield is haunted, turned out quite profitable...

Now I can sell Super-Natural Gas!

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Why can’t you get out of a sex cult with R Kelly?

One you’re in, urine.

What is the difference between in-laws and out-laws?

Out-laws are wanted!

The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, ...

Today I was asked to go out, by 20 girls. –

I was in the women’s bathroom.

Just looked into my family tree and found out both great great grand parents are related...

It's not every day you get to learn about your incestors

An apple and an emo kid fall out of a tree which one hits the ground first?

The apple, the rope caught the emo kid.

Eric the Red's brother, Rudolf, was home gazing out his window.

He says to his wife: Looks bad out there. Looks like rain."

Rudolf's wife responds: "Are you sure dear?"

Rudolf answers back: "Trust me. Rudolf the Red knows rain dear."

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

The reason Nevada doesn’t have any election results yet is

If you count in Vegas, you get kicked out

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What pain does a jet pilot have after working out?

Afterburners




(That has got to be the shittiest jokeI have ever made)

They say one out of every 5 people on the planet is Chinese.

The thing is, there’s 5 people in my family. On of us must be Chinese.
I know it can’t be me. I’m pretty sure it’s not my mon or dad.
That leaves my brothers: Shawn, and Zhang Wei.

Whispers: *I think it’s Shawn...*

My brothers always out clubbing, my parents are really worried about his health.

He's always had one foot in the rave.

How do you get a dozen Americans out of a car?

Tell them to stay inside the car.

What does Vlad the Impaler do when he runs out of victims?

Repost.

Out of all the inventions in the past 100 years, which one was the most remarkable?

The dry erase board.

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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, ...

My wife left me after she found out how much I’d been paying for manual labor.

Or hand jobs as she calls them.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

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A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see – a relative, a neighbor ..."

"At this time of the night?...

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Ladies Night Out

3 women were discussing how they each loved a "Well Hung" man, but were amazed at how different their method was for finding one.

The first woman said she knew if a man was confident and secure he definitely was packing a Big Rigg.

The second woman said she liked men that wore tight pa...

The Trump administration must be freaking out

Oh, to be a fly on Pence right now.

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I just found out explosive diarrhea is an actual thing.

That shit blows.

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

Turns Out, I'm Not Allowed to Have an OnlyFans Account.

I have a central heating & air system.

Everyone gets what they want out of brexit

The Brits get their blue passports and the average iq of the European Union goes up by 10 points.

Researchers at the MIT recently found out...

...

After a few minutes, they went back inside.

Two hunters are out in the woods

...when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q: What did the woman do when she found out her husband was gay?

A: She turned around and took it like a man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Granddad and Grandson out walking in the snow.

Granddad: God it's fucking cold out here today.

Grandson: Tell me something I don't know Granddad.

Granddad: Your Nan used to like it up the shitter.!

What happens when you run out of manure on a farm?

You have to make doo.

My wife says she is going to kick me out if I keep singing anymore Christmas songs..

..I said, 'but baby, it's cold outside'

I started a new job as an Amazon delivery driver today. When I got to my first address there was a note saying ‘Dear delivery man, we’re out, please hide in garbage’

That was eight hours ago and still no one has found me

I keep trying to throw out my garbage can

But the garbage men keep emptying it and leaving it there

John Cena gets knocked out during a wrestling match

3 hours later he wakes up in a hospital

John: (slowly) Where am I?

Nurse: I. C. U

John: No you can't!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A poor family lives on a farm and they rely on their chickens for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find the chicken coop empty and the corpses of chickens on the ground.

"There’s nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the chickens on the ground.

...

My partner laughed at me when I told her I was going to make a bike out of Macaroni

You should've seen her face when I cycled pasta.

Johnny was looking out the window, straining his eyes...

trying to read a billboard a half mile away. When his friend asked him what he was doing, Johnny said, "my mom says I can only go out and play if I have super vision".

Two cowboys are riding the range on a bitterly cold day when one of them vaults out of the saddle and picks up a piece of a frozen cow pat.

He rubs it on his mouth for a moment and then throws it away. As he remounts, his pard gives him an odd look, so he grunts "Chapped lips".

"I see," says his pard. "That helps 'em heal, does it?"

"Nope," says the first cowboy, "but it sure stops me lickin' them."

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