I just found out Canada isn’t real.

Turns out it was all maple leaf.

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

I only recently found out that Albert Einstein was a real person..

All this time I thought he was only a theoretical physicist

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever ...

A man shouted to his wife, "Honey, come in here and check out my clock."

She found him standing naked, with a hard-on. "That's not a clock!" she shouted.

"It is," he replied. "It just needs two hands and a face on it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dumb kid walks into an ice cream shop... Kid: “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate please.” Clerk: “Sorry kid, we're out of chocolate.”

Kid: “OK. Make it a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “No, no, you don't understand, it’s *chocolate* we're out of,”

Kid: “Ah, OK. Then gimme a scoop of raspberry, and a scoop of chocolate.”

Clerk: “Listen kid, can you spell the VAN in vanilla?”

Kid: “...

My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

Watch out for that new "Peekaboo" variant the CDC has been warning about...

It's been sending everyone to the ICU.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Out with the girls...

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight and even did a pinkie swear.

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in th...

A chicken saw a duck standing by the side of the road. The chicken called out to the duck:

Don't do it pal. You'll never hear the end of it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.

The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.

He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry...

I’ll return

Where can I find someone to hang out with and share a companionship?

Asking for a friend.

Doctors say 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.

That means one person enjoys it

Imagine asking a blind girl out in braille

and she leaves you on felt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a man wakes up and finds out he has 3 balls

He decides to go see a doctor but was a little embarrassed to address his problem so he says...

MAN: Hey Doc, between you and me we have 5 balls.

The doctor, extremely baffled by this jumps off his chair and says...

DOC: WHATTTT ?!!?!! You have no balls?

Man Gets Arrested For Creeping This Lady Out On A Bus. His Explanation Is Perfect.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained...

An Irishman walks out of a bar

Nah, just kidding

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"<...

What sound does a cow make when it runs out of milk?

None. There is udder silence.

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

Why didn't 4 ask out 5?

Because 4 was 2^(2).

I've just found out my wife is really a ghost.

To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door.

I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James.

Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

Went out for sushi last night

And a guy spilled a whole bottle of soy sauce on himself. Everyone laughed except me. Don‘t Kikkoman when he’s down

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman by opening the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what surprised him most: my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.

I remember when my wife gave birth at the hospital & a nurse came out and handed me a swaddled baby..

In a sad voice she then told me, "I'm sorry sir but your wife didn't make it."

I replied back, "Well, this is nice, but could you bring me the baby my wife did make!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day.

"I got you a job. It's a one-liner."

"That's okay!" replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?"

"Hark, I hear the cannons roar," says the agent.

"I love it!" says the actor. "When's the audition?"

"Wednesday," says the agent...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guard was escorting me out of the pool the other day…

I asked him why.

“Because you pissed in the pool!”
He shouted.

“So what? everyone does!”
I exclaimed.

To which he replied:
“Well… yeah… but not from the diving board!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel so i quickly turned the tv to a fishing channel. On her way out she said:

‘You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was 18 years old when i found out bedbugs actually live in beds I always thought it was just a name like ladybug. It does leave me with one question though,

where do cockroaches live?

Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.

They find three parachutes.

Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “The world needs a great person like me!”

Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps off the plane. 

At this point, the Po...

Did you hear that the guy that makes rings and necklaces out of steel is closing his shop for today?

Yes, it's ferrous jeweller's day off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took an ancestry test, turns out I fucked my 3rd cousin.

And I thought I was only on my 2nd.

My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

you should've seen the look on her face when i drove pasta

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Nuns are tasked with painting a room.

Two nuns are tasked with painting a bedroom. They are concerned about getting paint all over their outfits, so they lock themselves inside and strip out of them and begin painting in their underwear. All is going well until there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” They ask. “Blind man,” is the rep...

Frank Sinatra was dining out one night when a young high school lad came up to his table.

“Mr. Sinatra," said the teen-age boy, “my name is Bernie Rosenberg. Would you please do me a favor?”
“What kind of favor?” Sinatra asked.
Well, I’m here with my girl and I want to make a good impression on her. I certainly would appreciate it if you would drop by my table and say ‘Hi, Be...

A man out shopping bought some new condoms.

When he got home, his wife noticed the brand. “Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?” she

asked.

“There are three colors,” he replied. “Gold, silver and bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?” she asked.

“Gold, of course,” said the man.

“Really?...

Inflation is really getting out of hand…

That’s just my 3 cents.

Where do French gangsters hang out?

The baghetto.

Two hunters are out in the woods

,when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s worse than waking up and seeing a dick drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced

I just found out I'm colorblind.

The news came out of the purple

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but the toilet was out of order.

So, I just held it for 20 minutes.

The woman opposite me stared at me in disgust and said, "is that shit in your hand?"

There a 502 bricks in a plane, one falls out, how many bricks are left?

501

Hoe do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Open the door, put the elephant in, shut the door

How do put a giraffe in a fridge?

Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door

The lion king invites all the animals to a party, but ones missi...

Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money l make

Now they call poor and ugly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just found out that I am seriously poor at 'reading' women. I was just sat at the bar earlier, when this stunning lass sat beside me. She leaned in to whisper something, and like a fucking idiot I automatically thought she was trying to flirt with me.

Turned out she just wanted to tell me how nice my arse looks in these jeans.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said, alarmed by the sound. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 friends are hanging out

They’re recalling all the mischief they got into in school. The first one says i used smoke in the bathroom. The second one goes, well I lit off fireworks in class. The third one says that’s nothing, I rode my motorcycle through the hallways. The last one says, I’ve got you all beat, the principle c...

[NSFW] A woman walks out of the shower...

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says:

"Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend: "Yeah...the drain is clogged again."

What did Jesus say when they took the nails out of his hands?

THE FEET!!! THE FEET!!!

If you're ever locked out of your house, start talking to your lock, calmly and clearly.

After all, a good communication is the key!

I just figured out why USA is about to ban abortion (dark)

That's to have more targets for their school shootings

Turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What goes in hard and dry then comes out wet and soft?

A chewing gum

Two older couples are hanging out together.

While the ladies are talking in the kitchen, Jim said, "Bill, we ate at a really good restaurant the other night. The food was good, the prices were reasonable, and the service was excellent."

Bill replied, "Oh yeah? What's the name of the place, I've been looking for a new restaurant."...

While I was out driving, I saw another person driving while talking on their cell phone.

I got so upset, I threw my beer at him.

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

A man and a woman were out on a first date together.

Everything was going great and they were getting along really well, when out of nowhere the woman commented on the size of the man’s hands and feet. “I didn’t notice earlier, but you have remarkably small hands and feet!”

The man taken aback by such an unexpected observation thought quickly a...

I can't believe that I got kicked out of the petting zoo for being sick

I was only feeling a little horse

Every year, I’m amazed that advent calendars continue to sell out.

I thought their days were numbered.

Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

Did you hear Magnum is coming out with a special edition Grinch condom (nsfw)

It's for 39 and a half foot poles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me “ maaan my boss got mad and ate my ass out”

And I told him “ I think you mean he chewed your ass out” he said “ What’s the difference, same thing “
“Well your way sounds like you got your Christmas bonus early “

So I was kicked out of AA the other day...

Apparently saying "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take" wasn't appropriate.

How did bill Cosby celebrate after getting out of jail

He went to a bar and bought everyone drinks

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and get...

A priest was out walking and a man runs up to him and says

“Father! There’s a man on top of the Eiffel tower and he’s about to jump!”

The priest runs to the Eiffel tower and finds the man. “What are you doing?” The priest asks him. “Are you mad? Thank of your family, your wife!”

The man replies, “My wife left me. I have no family. So I jump.”<...

What does a closeted trans woman wear when they go out?

A masc

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records

Shortly after, I got kicked out of the library.

I have just found out that I'm allergic to cats.

Either that or I undercooked it.

A POLICEMAN pulls over a speeding car and takes out his little book.

The driver lowers her window.

Policeman: “Name, please?”

Woman: “Freda.”

Policeman: “Surname?”

Woman: “Gonow.”

Policeman: “So you are Freda Gonow.”

Woman: “Thanks very much”, and she takes off!

What's the best way to get gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

What's big and hairy and sticks out of your pyjamas at night.

Your head

What do you call a guy that works out a lot?

Jim

My wife and I were walking out of a nice restaurant, and there was a young teen in shabby clothes asking people for their doggy bags

We immediately gave him ours. I asked, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yes - what gave me away?"

I replied, "Obviously, your parents."

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a stru...

Why was the symphony conductor always out if money?

Because he specialized in baroque

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in her 40’s is checking out at the grocery store

The bagger, a good looking 18 yo guy, asks if she needs help to her car. She says, “yes, thank you.”

As they walk into the parking lot, she leans over to him and says, “you know - I’ve got an itchy pussy.”

The young guy replies, “ You’ll have to point it out ma’am. All these Asian car...

I was hanging out with my Scizophrenic friend and all of a sudden he bursted into fits of laughter

I asked what was so funny and he said "you wouldn't get it, it's an inside joke"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently learned how to swallow a rope and have it come out the other end tied up in a bow.

I shit you knot.

Two guys are out hunting deer.

The first guy says "Did you see that?"

“No" the second guy says.

“Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead.”

“Oh.”

A couple of minutes later, the first guy says "Did you see that?"

“See what?"

“Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill,...

I went to hang out at a friend's house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I kicked him out, I hate having people over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll.

One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman sa...

I finally found my wife’s G-spot.

Turns out, it’s in her sister.

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife!

He said, "Why? Is she super-hot too?

I said, "No, she's an optometrist!"

What do you call a country that is entirely made out of coal?

A carbonation!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL: A Welshman Invented the Condom when he Discovered he Could Wrap his Penis in Sheep Intestines to Prevent Pregnancy

A hundred years later a Scotsman perfected the idea by taking them out of the sheep first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George and Ted are showering after a workout when George notices that Ted's penis is about nine inches long.

"You were lucky to be blessed with such a huge penis!" says George.

"I wasn't blessed," replies Ted. "I had to work for it. I did it by masturbating once every day for two years, using butter as a lubricant. I know it sounds crazy, but this thing used to be only five inches long!"

"Tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

I've been trying to kick my roommates out for months now.

But they keep insisting that I call them my parents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don’t blind people Skydive?

It scares the shit out of the guide dog

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me how he was conceived on his family’s pull out couch

Since he was conceived on it, it’s not really a *pull out* couch

A family gather round the death bed of grandad, his solicitor arrives as the man is able to read out his will:

'To my daughter, I leave my Kensington properties says grandad'

'To my son, I leave my Richmond properties'

'Finally, as I have the most properties in Windsor and Ascot, I leave these for the grandchildren'

The solicitor turns to the grandmother and quietly whispers 'My god, I n...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

A father and his son go out to fell a tree for Christmas

When the tree is felled and being brought back, the son asks, "Dad are you going to put the tree up yourself?"

"No, son, I'm going to put it up in our living room"

1 out of 3 people (Oops)

I read that ONE out of three people in a relationship, were unfaithful.
I'm trying to determine if it's my WIFE or my MISTRESS.

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

Get the hell out!

A wife got so mad at her husband that she packed his bags and told him to get the hell out. As he walked to the door she yelled "and I hope you die a long, slow, and very painful death". He turned around and said, "so you want me to stay"?

What did the hot tub say to his spouse when he found out she was cheating?

J'ACUZZI!

Just found out my stuttering cousin got out early because he snitched in prison

He couldn’t even finish his sentence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can the mods of this sub do a better job of monitoring who is allowed in here please?!

We have a new member, an elderly woman. She's been privately messaging people, sending them naked pictures of herself in nasty poses along with close ups of her unmentionables. She is offering an Iphone 11 in exchange for sexual favors. I am especially bothered because it turned out to be an Iphone ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple go out to a posh restaurant for dinner

The place is very exclusive and features also a live band playing gentle music, and fancy expensive food and wine. They settle in and order and initially the evening is fine and enjoyable.
Lady is eating duck, which can often have small bones. She doesn't notice and swallows a bite, chased with a...

What does it mean when a redneck's baby drools out of both sides of its mouth?

The trailer is level.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.

You have died of dissin’ Terry :(

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.

She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again

I walked out of a goodwill store one time and found this woman crying.

She had just lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I just found.

Four rednecks are out deer hunting.

After reaching the land where they will be hunting, they pair up and head in opposite directions. At the end of the day Cletus and Billy Ray are walking back to the truck empty-handed when they see Bubba emerge from the forest alone, dragging a very large buck behind him.

"Where's Junior?" C...

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”

The husband says, “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Buddhist pull a coin out of his butt?

Because change comes from within.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy finally works up the courage to ask the girl he likes out on a date.

The girl, liking him back, agrees to go on the date.

The boy tells her "Before we go on our date, there's something I have to tell you about myself. I only eat insects."

The girl finds this to be very strange but accepts it because she likes him.

They go out to dinner and the gi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian and a Greek are hanging out

An Italian and a Greek are having an argument. Each is trying to one up the other.

Greek: Greeks do everything better than Italians. Did you know that Hawaiian pizza was invented by a Greek.

Italian: Sex too was invented by Greeks, but it was Italians that introduced women to it!

What did the quartmaster say to the bowyer when the bowyer informed him that he was out of wood for his longbows?

That sounds like a yew problem

What do you call the line out side a Vietnamese restaurant?

Pho queue

How was the Canadian able to put out a fire while vacationing in Mexico?

With the help of a hose eh.

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The ma...

For my New Years resolution I promise to never steal money out of my wife’s purse

But then I just remembered she’s got a birthday coming up

Three years ago, I asked my crush out. Last week, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

An explorer in the jungle saw a monkey with a tin opener. He called out to the monkey: 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana' ...

'I know' replied the monkey. 'I'm not stupid. This is for the custard'

So it turns out Bob Marley is my

roll model.

I’m giving out my personal credit card info to anyone that wants it

It’s several shades of blue, very thin, about 3” long and 2” tall with these little raised numbers and letters on it, it has what looks like a SIM card on one end, a WiFi symbol looking thingy on the front, it has a bunch of tiny words and some additional numbers on the back with a solid black secti...

A dwarf with a lisp goes to visit a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"

Said the owner.

"A female horth"

The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So ...

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over taking a drink from a water stream

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead. The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis t...

Some people believe Monica Lewinsky was a Russian Spy She would inform the Kremlin on what came out of the President’s head.

They were however unhappy when she blew the whole operation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Indian salesman

A young guy from India moves to the US and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was an insurance salesman back in India ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked...

I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...

"It’s cutting hedge technology!"

A Nun walks into Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room...

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar... (not that one)

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”

“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.

“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.

“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a koala bear walks into a brothel.

He picks out the best looking girl, and heads upstairs with her. While up there, he eats her out like a madman, doing things she's never even heard of. After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.

The girl stops him and demands payment.

The koala doesn't understand. She has him l...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the...

Last week I found out what my Zodiac was

Apparently I'm a Cancer. I was devestated at first, because I was hoping to get Capricorn, but its really started to grow on me!

Ivan and Piotr are drinking in a shack out in the woods...

They've been drinking for three days straight and have finally run completely out of booze.

Piotr turns to Ivan and says, "Vanya, go look in the shed out back, see if there's anything to drink there."

Ivan stumbles back with a bottle of methanol in his hand. "Well, we could drink this...

We've just found out something crazy about your grandpa, he's just like Walter White!

Was not a fun way to be told that he has lung cancer

Two guys were in an English pub.

They called the publican over to settle an argument.

"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.

"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

"Two pints miss, and they are on ...

I was trying to work out how long it would take to watch an entire season of 24

But in the end I had to call it a day

Lawyers...?

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding.

In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

I went out on a date recently with my ideal woman. Highly educated, funny, compassionate, beautiful. When she told me she was a gynecologist, I knew she was the one for me

...she really checked a lot of boxes.

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! Wha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

A new law

Two guys walk into a bar and order lunch. "What brings you guys in today?" the bartender asks. "I guess you haven't heard yet. The mayor passed a law yesterday to try to help out local restaurants during Covid-19. All adult males are required to go and eat lunch out with their best male friends at l...

What did the doctor say to his patient before they walked out into the rain?

You better put your hydrocodone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Hypnotist was performing in front of a live audience using a pendulum

All of a sudden the pendulum slipped out of his hand and he exclaimed "shit!"


It took 2 weeks to clean that whole place.

I thought I fixed my pants, but apparently the stitching fell out...

Or sew it seams.

This girl at work asked me how she could find out if she was ticklish or not…

I helped her out by giving her two test tickles.

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant...What's on the out side?

K9P

Can you get married in heaven?

On their way to the church to get married, a catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter. While waiting, they wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up...

Say it out loud: What did the math textbook say when it heard where paper comes from?

...gee, I'm a tree!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.