Leaving Jokes - 80 Hilarious Leaving Jokes

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

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Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

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If Trump wins Im leaving the country if Clinton wins Im leaving the country

Not a political post, I just love to travel

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I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband. He hasn’t been intimate with me since our son died. I would leave right now,

But the ambulance is still in the drive way blocking my car.

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What does the receptionist at the sperm bank says when donors are leaving?

Thank you for coming!

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My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A m...

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A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.

She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.

"About $20 a pint." she says.

"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the spe...

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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.

He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Erotic Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper think...

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An old Jewish man is leaving the Soviet Union

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That...

My wife says she’s leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with poker.

I think she’s bluffing.

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A homeless man approached me as I was leaving a sandwich shop…

… and he asked me if I had $5 to spare. I felt bad for him, and was just about to give him the money.

But then I realized I was holding a $5 foot long I had just bought, so I held up both the cash and the sandwich and told him he could have whichever one he preferred.

He stared at th...

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My girlfriend just told me, “I’m leaving you.”

Me: Is it because I’m too literal?

Her: Well, it’s because we aren’t working out.

Me: No problem. Let’s get a gym membership together.

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When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

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My wife is leaving me

I was having sex with her twin when she came in. I tried telling her I was doing it because thought it was her. She didn't buy it.

It didn't help that his dick was in my ass.

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

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A woman goes on a business trip overseas, leaving her husband behind to look after the house and kids.

After a few days she calls up to see how everything is.

"Everything's fine" he says. "The kids are finally sleeping OK without you here, and my boss has given me an extra week off until you're back. Oh! I forgot to say, the cat's dead! She was hit by a car!"

"What!?" Says the wife. "A...

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The wife said she's leaving because of my sexual fetishes

I said fine! Don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out

I'm leaving you for an NSA officer

"I'm leaving you for an NSA officer," she said.

"But why? What does he have that I don't?"

"He listens to me."

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A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him....

He took his new Benz out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's n...

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My wife said she is leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants...

Guess I won't be needing those anymore.

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My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with food.

I wasn’t really listening, but she said something about not making enough thyme for her.

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Three women are sick of their boss always leaving work early on a Tuesday One Tuesday, they all agree to wait 20 minutes after the boss has left, then sneak out themselves - their boss would never know.

The brunette left and decided to go shopping.

The redhead decided to hit the gym before meeting some friends for drinks.

The blonde decided to go home and surprise her husband, but when she arrive home she heard noises in the bedroom. She slowly walked up, peaked through the door, and ...

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A woman is packing up and leaving her husband...

and tells him she's moving to Las Vegas. The husband asks, "Why Las Vegas?"

She says from what she understands, she can get $100 for every blowjob she gives. Upon telling her husband this he starts packing as well. The wife asks, "Where are you going?"

The husband says, "I'm goin...

So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...

... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships...

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My girlfriend told me she's leaving me because I'm too cocky.

I told her to close the door on her way back in.

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind.

Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.

The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How coul...

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A professor, a janitor, and the school's principal are leaving for the day when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After just a few minutes, he ca...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom...

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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h...

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Did you hear Justin Trudeau's wife is leaving him?

She finally caught him screwing Canadians!

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a guest is leaving someone's house

"I will be going now, please don't take the trouble to see me to do the door,"

"It's no trouble, it's a pleasure."

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My wife said she's leaving me because I "can't do anything right when it comes to housework. "

Selfish bitch, it took me hours to mop that carpet.

"I'm leaving you!..."

“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”

“But honey, what about our child?”

“What child?!”

“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”

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What did the British man say to his mother before leaving for India?

Mumbai!

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Leaving for the Crusades...

*Heard this a long time ago. Just found it again...*

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my ...

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My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

My wife,Rose,is leaving me because of my obsession with pens

Biros

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Wife: I am leaving you

Husband : is it because I speak so quietly

Wife: you asshole you could at least say something

A cannibal is walking through the jungle when he sees on of his cannibal buddies leaving the witch doctor's hut...

Cannibal 1: why you at the witch doctor?

Cannibal 2: some new religious people were snooping around the village the other day and I ate one of them. I haven't felt too good since.

Cannibal 1: how'd you prepare them?

Cannibal 2: I boiled em

Cannibal 1: hmm, what did they...

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My wife is leaving me for a being an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator. However...

...I knocked up the maid.

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Paddy is leaving his wife

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from ...

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My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with wearing a different t shirt every hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change.”

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Leaving Work Early

Three female co-workers notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day, so one day they decide that after she leaves, they'll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a li...

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Man takes his wife golfing

An old man goes golfing every weekend. His wife always complains about his going and leaving her alone. So one weekend he says “Why don’t you come with me and I’ll teach you how to play.” She agrees and on the first hole, a par 4 with a dog leg, she asks “ok, what do I do?” He says “you see that fla...

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Einstein is on a train leaving New York.

He leans over to another passenger and asks, "excuse me, do you know if Boston stops at this train?"

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A farmer who raises donkeys goes out of town, leaving his wife alone at the farm

A neighbouring farmer, who desires an affair with her, takes advantage of the opportunity and seduces the wife while her husband is away.

The wife soon finds out that she is pregnant with the neighbour’s child, and after informing them of this they decide that it would be best to confess to ...

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The priest leaving his Mission

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says t...

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A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: "You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!" officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!"

"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"

The convoy trucks are leaving Ottawa.

They're on the Highway to Hull.

(Canadians will get this joke)

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What did the German say after leaving the brothel?

Later Hoes Inn

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My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.'

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

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A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

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If one train is leaving London at 145 km/h and another train leaves Paris at 210 km/h one hour later, when do they meet?

Never. Train drivers in France are always on strike.

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A tennis player is leaving the court and and a guy walks up to him.

“Hey what’s all that in your pocket?”

He says “It’s tennis balls”

“Well, if it’s anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!”

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An elderly couple is leaving a funeral…

The funeral director stops them on the way out and says, “How old are you?”
The man replies that they’re 97 and 95.
The funeral Director says, “Hardly worth going home is it?”

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Why isn’t Vladimir leaving Ukraine?

Because his name is Vladimir Putin. Not Vladimir Pullout

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As we were leaving the cemetery we saw a man kneeling at a grave site.

He was crying and saying "Why did you have to die?" over and over. We decided to see if we could help out in some way, so I asked him if this was the grave of a close friend or of a family member?

He said "Neither, it's my wife's first husband."

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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...

Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am...

My wife is leaving me because of my mental illness.

At least thats what the cat told me.

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My wife is leaving me because of my insecurities.

Ah, it’s okay, she’s back, turns out she just went shopping.

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Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

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A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said "While you're out, get some milk"

He never returned and the world ran out of milk.

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My wife is leaving me because I’m balding

It’s fine.. it’s “hair” loss.

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my gf was dropping hints and leaving jewelry/ring catalogues around

I got so fed up I bought her a magazine organiser

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My wife said she's leaving me because I keep making coffee without the filter. The judge agreed

Apparently it's grounds for a divorce

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A lion walks into a bar and says, "I'm not leaving until I'm drunk as a skunk". Then a tiger walks into the bar and says, "I'm not leaving until I'm drunk as a skunk". Then a skunk walks into the bar. Who leaves first?

Everybody else.

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My wife says she’s leaving me due to my obsession with porn,

I wish she would see it from my POV.

What is the best formula for leaving Auschwitz?

Lenght of chimney x wind speed

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A well executed theft leaving no fingerprints behind is...

... a stainless steal.

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A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

If A Democrat Wins, I'm Leaving,

If a Republican wins, I'm also leaving.

This has nothing to do with politics.

I just really want to travel.

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My wife said she's leaving me because I always exaggerate....

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.

Whenever I’m leaving a party, I write my name on a piece of paper, and hand it to the host.

That’s my signature move.

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What did the little boy say to the clock as he was leaving?

See you next time!

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A businessman is leaving town for work

His relationship with his wife had been unstable recently, and afraid of her cheating on him while he was gone, he went to a sex shop. He explains his situation to the owner.

"I have just what you need," The shopkeeper exclaims, pulling out a long, narrow box. He opens it and explains "Th...

A rich man is leaving home in the morning when his overnight security guard asks for a word ...

"Boss, I had this dream your private jet had a problem and everyone on board of the flight died," the guard said.
The rich man, who had travel plans for that day decided to postpone it and to have the jet checked.
After a thorough investigation, an issue was found that'd certainly be fatal if ...

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A young executive is leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Sure," the young executive says.

He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button.

"Excellent, e...

My girlfriend told me that she's leaving because I'm too immature...

Good luck with that, the floor's made of lava.

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My wife said,"I'm leaving you as you keep telling everyone you're a Transformer."

I said,"please don't,I can change."

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