UPJOKE
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Inside Jokes

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.
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The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...
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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank?

EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
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A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi.

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls (Prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.



The Boy asked; “Mummy, what are all those women doing?



His Mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from ...

Why don't Ewoks yell inside?

Because they use their Endor voices!
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Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...
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Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire

...on average.
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I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman.

I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.
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What does a pregnant fourteen year old and the fetus inside her have in common?

They’re both thinking, “Shit, my mom is gonna kill me!”

i used to work in a fort cleaning the inside of cannons

then they fired me.
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If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant...What's on the out side?

K9P
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One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...
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If you ever stick your dick inside a peanut butter jar...

You're fucking nuts

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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole...

I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.

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Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm.

Whats wet on the inside and hairy on the outside. It starts with 'C', ends with 'T', and has a 'U' and an 'N' in the middle.

Coconut.
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The population of the countryside were almost wiped out entirely by a rare breed of ticks that live and breed inside the mouths of Alpacas.

The survivors now live in a post Alpaca lip tick wasteland.
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My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician
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An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall and they were especially amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again with a room inside.

The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”

The mother, never having seen an elevator before, responded, “I have no idea."

While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

After he got in, the wall...

What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.
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Good joke inside

Good joke
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Three dinosaurs find a magic lamp with a genie inside.

The genie says “I can give you all one wish. Anything your heart desires!”

The first dinosaur says “I want a big piece of juicy meat!” And he is given the biggest piece of meat for miles.

The second dinosaur, in an attempt to one up the first says “I want a meat shower!” And he is show...
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Why do redditors have so many inside jokes?

Because we're too afraid to go outside
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I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped presents

It's a gift.
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George goes inside a market to buy some food...

He got to the vegetable section and said to the lady who was selling the veg:

George: Hello miss!

Lady: Hello sir, how can I help you?

George: Can i please have 5 kilograms of potatoes but can you wrap them individually in a piece of paper?

Lady: Sure! So, she wrapped eac...
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My favorite form of birth control is a condom inside a condom inside a condom...

Contraception
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why did the man cum inside the sock

he wanted step kids

A father heard his daughter praying inside her room...

Daughter: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, Goodbye grandpa..."
Dad: Honey, why did you say "goodbye grandpa"?
Daughter: I don't know daddy, it just feels right.

The grandpa died the following day but that dad thought it's just a coincidence.
One week later, he he...
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A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...
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A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years lat...
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When I was a kid I thought that being empty inside was a bad thing.

But then I grew up and learned about constipation!
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A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...

Her teacher asked her "What's that?"

"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied

The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."

She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."

"What if he's not in heaven? Th...

Yesterday and today I stuck my hand inside feather pillows.

Is it normal that I'm feeling down?
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The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
...

Why can't you run inside the office building?

Because it's nsfw.
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My friend and I started replacing the word 'in' with 'inside'.

For example, if we wanted to say, "it's in the fridge", we'd instead say "it's inside the fridge".

One day, my parents caught onto this. They asked me why I was saying "inside" instead of "in".

I responded,

"it's an inside joke".
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I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift
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A man with a great dane and a man with a Chihuahua go to a bar, but it says “no pets allowed”

One man says to the other “how will we bring our dogs inside?”
The second man gives the first a pair of very dark sunglasses and says “do what I do.”
He goes inside and the manager says “Sorry, no pets allowed.”
The man says “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog.”
“A great dane? ...
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What starts with T, ends with T, and has T inside?

A teapot
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A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery. Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

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What's another name for cumming inside a woman?

Loading the dishwasher

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Astronomy Fact: You can fit 63 Earths inside Uranus

64 if you relax.

What is the temperature inside of a tauntaun?

Luke warm
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There are two wolves inside you.

You are in the dark room at a furry convention.
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From Stormy Daniels' testimony: "I felt this huge dick come inside me...

but never quite felt his penis."

If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells...

Does that make them shotgun snails?
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4 men were talking inside a bar.

One of the men went to the bathroom and the other men started talking about their sons.

The first man says: "My son is so rich, he just bought a mansion and gave it to his boyfriend".
The second one said: "My son is so rich, he bought a Ferrari and gave it to his boyfriend"
The third on...
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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

It was breath taking.
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[Click Here to invite Vampire Cat inside.]

Vampire Cat: Mwahaha! You fool!

*Walks inside*

*Walks back outside*

Vampire Cat: May I come in?
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"Inside you there are two wolves..."

*checks notes

"...sorry I meant tumors," said the oncologist.
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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...
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My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs...

If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.
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They say rubbing alcohol fixes outside wounds, so what fixes inside wounds?

Drinking alcohol!
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A group of apes had locked everyone inside of a Himalayan monastery

Escape was delayed because of the missing monk key.
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Inside every Russian woman…

…is another, much smaller, Russian woman.
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Touch it softly. Put two fingers inside.

Put three fingers if it is wide.

Rub up and down when it is wet.

That's how you wash a cup.
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It's What's in the Inside

"Tell me, what do you look for in a man?"

"Honey, I like my man the same way I like my watermelon."

\-----

He thought about this for a moment.

"That's an interesting analogy, and one *I've* never heard before." "I like the way you think."

"Oh yeah?? You know what...
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I just opened up a fortune cookie and there wasn’t a fortune inside.

I thought to myself, “that’s unfortunate.” -True story
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A guy driving a Kia.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says s...
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A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator and loudly announces, “I’ll place my genitals inside this alligator’s mouth…

…the gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed,” he says.

Now, he has the full attention of the bar!

Here’s the deal, he continues, “If this works, everyone buys me drinks.” There is a murmur among the patrons, and after a moment, they a...
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Don't fart inside an apple store.

Because they don't have windows.
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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

Would you like to hear an inside joke?

So would a lot of homeless people.
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What did the Spanish snail say when asked what he carried inside his shell?

Es cargo.
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I used to feel like a man trapped inside a woman’s body

Then I was born.
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Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"
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A stockbroker is being tried for Insider Trading

The key piece of evidence was an illegal trade he had allegedly committed on May 14th.

His secretary was called to the stand to testify.

"Miss Secretary," asked the Prosecutor, "can you show us what you think the Stockbroker's was doing that day?"

"Objection!" cried the Stockbro...
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Woman: "Doctor...I have 2 green marks on the inside of my thigh!!"

"Does your husband have pierced ears?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Tell him, his earrings aren't gold."
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my grandad was such a sweet person on the inside

it's a shame we didnt notice before the diabetes killed him
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Why is it okay to have unprotected sex with an Uvalde police officer?

Because they never come inside.

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Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base...

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It's quite urgent**

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Stalin sits inside of his office in the Kremlin.

He is attending a meeting of extreme importance with Marshall Zhukov. Outside of the office, sits Stalin's secretary, Poskrebyshev.

Soon enough, Marshall Zhukov walks out of Stalin's office, mumbling "Murderous mustache...". Poskrebyshev's face bleaches, as he storms inside of the office scre...

Did you hear about all the toilets being stolen inside the Miami Dade police department?

The cops have nothing to go on.
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What do you call a simian that lives inside a ventilation system?

Duct-ape
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My husband and son getting competitive while playing games.

Husband said" I fucked your mom"

to which the son replied" I have been deeper inside her than you'll ever be"

Where will you always find a Dr. inside a Maid

Madrid
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I let a Jehova's Witness inside the other day and asked him, "what now?"...

He replied, "I'm not sure, I've never gotten this far before"
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Larry walks in on his friend stripping inside a barn….

“Barry what the hell are you doing”

“ well Larry, I went to a therapist and she said to do something sexy to a tractor “

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction.

A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.
...
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The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...
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A man finds a magic lamp, and inside lurks a mischievous genie.

"What is your first wish?" the genie asks.

"My first wish? Well, I saw a really cool movie last weekend," the man began, "I would really love to be able to watch it again for the first time."

"Your wish is my command," the genie says, giving the man dementia.

"Now, what is your–...
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A mama pickle was walking past her son’s room when she heard some thumping coming from inside.

She banged on the door and yelled “Quit gherkin off in there!”
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What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.
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Hey girl are you a school?

Because I want to shoot kids inside you.
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I have come to the realization that I am, in fact, a man trapped inside a woman's body…

In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have put the lube next to the glue…
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My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…

I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
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Something inside me tells me my girlfriend.....

... is a transsexual

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A married couple was on holiday in a remote part of the Arab country side. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Arabian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but he...

What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?

They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
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“Congratulations,” said the doctor, “you have a new life growing inside you!”

The patient said, “I’m a man.”

The doctor said, “the tapeworm doesn’t care.”
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A vagina is like the weather…

…once it is wet, it is time to go inside

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Are you Blonde?

A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"

The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a...

I had the strangest dream last night, I fell asleep inside a muffler

I woke up exhausted
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There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night

The police told us to stay inside until they shot him
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What did the suspicious husband say after he caught his wife cheating inside an igloo?

Inuit!
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My dad's mother told me that she felt really empty inside.

She said she was a hollow gram.
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Woman goes to a doctor with a tampon lodged inside her...

Doctor: So how did this happen?

Woman: I don’t know, I mean I didn’t get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!

Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn’t that sound suspiciously cheap to you?

Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked...

Why do vampires never cause unwanted pregnancies?

Because they need permission to come inside.
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Inside Joke

Girlfriend: Tell me the most romantic thing you can possibly think of!

Boyfriend: I love you almost as much as Reddit hates children.
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Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...
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If a musician is decomposing inside his coffin..

Does it mean his songs are now to be played backwards?
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Inside you are two werewolves

The other 12 are waiting their turn.
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I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.

Those were the Good Years.
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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

I accidentally clicked on a pop-up link that said, “Free Justin Bieber tickets inside!”

Thankfully it was just a virus.
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The flesh inside your cheeks is identical to the flesh inside a vagina.

You're licking the insides of your cheeks, aren't you?

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