An old couple is getting ready to go to sleep…..

The old man lies on the bed, but the old woman lies down on the floor.

The old man asks, ”Why are you going to sleep on the floor?”

The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”

Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

My girl and I decided never to go to sleep angry at each other.

We’ve been awake since Friday.

How do CIA operatives get their children to go to sleep?

They make up a cover story.

What does CIA do when they want to go to sleep?

They go undercover.

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Being horny and tired at the same time is a strange feeling. On one hand, you want to go to sleep, ...

In the other hand, however.

A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife is all curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book

As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife, and fondles her "special area". He does this a few times, but only for very short intervals before turning back to read his book.

The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused... and, assuming that her husband is seeking some enco...

Go to sleep

I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."

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I heard they had started giving all the old guys in the nursing home Viagra right before they go to sleep at night.

Its to prevent them from rolling out bed in the middle of the night.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are mil...

I tell people that I’m so poor I have to go to sleep for dinner and they seem to pity me

Saying I’m so poor I have to wake up for breakfast doesn’t bring the same reaction though

Why can't the cop go to sleep?

Cuz when he closes his eyes everything goes black.

I told my boyfriend it was time to go to sleep.

He kept saying no.

I told him to stop resisting a rest.

I trained myself to have lucid dreams every time I go to sleep.

It’s exactly what I imagined it to be.

I always turn my room temperature just below 70 degrees before I go to sleep. Why?

Because it doesn't get hotter than 69 in my bed.

What pill do you take to go to sleep?

A pillow.

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A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife’s legs and fondled her.

Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. “What are you doing that for?” asked her husband. “Well, after what you’ve just done, I thought you were keen for some sex.”

“Oh no, not at all,” he replied.

“Th...

Why did the computer go to sleep?

It was key-bored!

(An original joke from my 5 year old nephew, a budding comedic genius with impeccable timing!)

Why did the blonde go to sleep under her 20-year-old car?

So she could wake up oily in the morning.

Why did the meatballs tell the spaghetti to go to sleep?

It was pasta bedtime.

I needed some white noise yesterday to go to sleep.

So i recorded myself saying "All lives matter" and played it on repeat until i fell asleep.

How does an attorney go to sleep?

First he lies on one side, then the other!!

What does a man often wake with, but can never go to sleep with?

An alarm, you pervert!

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The wife of a very rich man dies from illness.

To honor her, the widower announces a big funeral in his huge resort, where everyone they knew is invited. The guests arrive, and after the first day is over, everyone is preparing to go to sleep. As there are not enough rooms to accommodate everyone, the widower had 2 grand salons prepared with bed...

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

A professor dreams that he steps on a rusty nail

After waking up, he puts a bandage on his foot. At work another professor notices the bandage and asks about it. After hearing the explanation he says: "That is exactly the kind of thing why normal folks think academic people are nutty. Why on earth did you go to sleep with bare feet?!"

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.

Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was e...

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Cheating on husband

A lady cheats on her husband , her husband always comes late and drunk , so she was having fun with the man in the bed , but this time her husband comes back a little bit early .

So she tell the man “ go stand between those two statues , he won’t notice he is drunk so don’t worry “

S...

I went to see my marriage counsellor.

He asked, "What is the last thing you do before you go to sleep?"

"Recently, I've been checking that all the doors are locked. Then I look out of my window."

"It sounds like you still value the safety of your partner."

"No," I said, "I just like to make sure there's nobody aroun...

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

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My grandpa likes to boast that his bodily functions are like clockwork

Now he wasn't always like this so he's been taking extra pride in it:

"everyday I go to sleep at 21 o'clock.then at 5:30 a.m. I take a piss.At 5:45 I have a shit,and at 6 a.m. sharp I wake up."

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Les gooooo

What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman?
A man will actually press and pull a microwave’s buttons and knobs.

What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?
A man.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Asshole!
Ass...

What do you have to pick in order to embarrass yourself during a formal dinner, when given a choice of four different utensils for eating fish?

Your nose.

(I made this up when trying to go to sleep at 3 a.m., please don't judge me)

Famous french joke , long but gold

One day a little girl go to sleep and her dad leave her room after that he read her a story and she says « goodbye granddad, protect dad and mom and grandma ». Then on the morning , the grandfather dies . The dad is lost but thinks its nothing . The next night , her daughter says « goodbye grandma ,...

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I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

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Husband and Wife, lying in bed just after a wonderful night of sex.

Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed.?

Husband: Yes I love that trick you do with your mouth.

Wife: What trick.?

Husband: The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep...

A guy walks into a hotel in soviet Russia

A guy walks into a hotel in soviet Russia and asks for a room. The receptionist tells him that they only place left is in a shared room with four beds, the bathroom is on corridor and the other 3 beds are already occupied. He accepts it, goes to his room and tries to fall asleep but the other 3 gues...

The Top 10 Reasons a Gun is better than a woman....

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new 22

#9. You can keep one Gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Gun doesn't mind if you keep another Gun ...

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A doctor has sex with one of his patients

He feels guilty all day and no matter how hard he tries he just cant get it out of his mind. This feeling of guilt and sense of betrayal was so overwhelming that he couldn't even go to sleep.

Finally he heard a reassuring voice inside his own head. It told him "Don't worry about it. These th...

A man and his wife are looking for a job

The man, unable to find any employment in his field, decides to apply for anything he can find in the hopes of earning enough to feed his family.

A few days later, he comes home overjoyed. His wife enquires, and he happily said he found a job as a stuntman in a circus! The pay is good, he ha...

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A lawyer on an aeroplane

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer decides to pass the time by asking her if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks...

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares her...

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Sid and Irv are business partners.

They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’ Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late...

A joke originally told in Arabic

The doctor asks him what is that dreaming problem.

"Every night I go to sleep," the man says. "I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants"

"Ok, take this medicine," the doctor says. "It will fix the problem."

The man refuses though and says:
...

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( Nsfw )i am iraqi and ill translate a joke my brother told me plz dont mind the bad grammer

A guy who lives in the countryside one day went to the city and he saw how diffrent things are there
In the city he meet some people and one of them told him about blow jobs and how it happens
So after he went back he told his wife to feed the kids
She did
He told her to make the kid...

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Two male friends decide to spend their holiday together

They don't have a lot of money so they decide to rent a small room for them both. Unfortunately the only one available has only one double bed.

After all they are close friends and know each other since pre-school. A couple of nights in the same bed is not a problem.

One night after pa...

Boy says goodbye instead of goodnight

So a boy and his family are praying, and after they finished praying, it’s their tradition to say goodnight, and go to sleep.

So the boy says, goodnight mama, goodnight papa, goodnight grandpa, goodbye grandma.

At the time, they didn’t really think much of it, and the boy didn’t even ...

I’m a nurse in a hospital’s children’s ward. One night, I was at the nurses’ station when I heard a little boy in his room talking. He kept the patter up for some time-

Finally, I got on the intercom and said softly but firmly, “All right, Johnny, it’s time to go to sleep now.” There was quiet in the room, and then he said, “OK, God, I will.” I didn’t hear a peep from him until late the next morning.
(True story)

Hey girl, ever wanted to feel like the sleeping beauty?

Go to sleep, you'll be halfway there

A goodbye before you die

Clarification: this is a pretty popular joke, so sorry if you've already heard it.

A little girl is laying down in her bed, with her parents at her side, about to go to sleep. As she does every night, she says a prayer:

"Good night mommy, good night daddy, good night grandma and goodb...

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:



1. "Go to sleep NOW"

2. "Eat ALL YOUR FOOD"

3. "You will not leave the house"

4. "Go to your room!"

5. "One more word and I'll spank that ass"

A young man's truck breaks down in rural Georgia right next to a farm

After trying (and failing) to fix his truck, he decides to ask the farmer if he can spend the night at his house. The farmer reluctantly agrees, saying "The only room I have available is across from my 18 year old daughter's room. I don't want to see you trying anything." As the farmer leads the you...

Four drunk men want to light a cigarette

Four drunk men want to light a cigarette. So they sent one of the four guys to buy matches, he returned without matches and said there were non left. The they sent another one to go and ask for matches from their neighbours, and he also returned empty handed and said that he didn't find any. So one ...

Jesus and Saint Peter come down to earth to see how things are going.

After traveling all day through the universe they arrive after dark near an old farmhouse.

Not wanting to freak out the farmer, they decide to sleep in the barn.

Jesus says to Peter, ”I am going to sleep upstairs in the hayloft and you stay down here. And when you are comfortable, si...

A child wasn't toilet trained yet.

Whenever he used to go out with his mother, he would always say, "Mom, I wanna pee!", "Mom, I wanna pee!" His mother would quickly take him to a public toilet or to the bushes or something, so that he stops saying that.

Now obviously the mother used to feel embarrassed, since everyone around ...

The doctor takes a peek

Disclaimer: This is a re-tell of a joke as my late uncle used to tell it to me.

So there was a guy named Joe that had lost an eye. As it would happen, the only solution was to get a glass eye as to make him feel a little better. Every night he would carefully put it into a glass of solution ...

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train...

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The...

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This guy was sitting in his cubicle one day . . .

. . . doing paperwork for his company when he heard a voice out of nowhere. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money. Go to Las Vegas." He was a little freaked out by the mysterious voice, but managed to finish out his day, go home, and go to sleep.

The next day he was in the shower wh...

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