Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo mama

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mate said he'd seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.

"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"

I don't understand time zones!

How is it possible that in Europe it is today.
In Australia it is tomorrow.
And in Alabama it is 1890?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was telling my mate, how my time machine experiment went drastically wrong when I went back in time & ended up inadvertently having sex with my own mother.

"Oh shit, so you could be your own father then?" he asked

"Well not really, I only went back two days"

Went to Jail for the first time and found out that what they say about dropping the soap is just a myth

I held on to that soap for dear life and it turns out they rape you anyway

I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul.

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on...

...I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.

A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him.

\-"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked.

\-"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!"

\-"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?"

\-"Well,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad is 88 today. Here is one he used to tell all the time. Happy Birthday dad!

A farmer needed to castrate his bull.

After a search of many options including the local veternarians he decides to go with the guy with the cheapest price.
The next day a man shows up with a briefcase and opens it and the farmer is surprised at what's inside. The fellow pulls two bricks ...

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

I was going to post a joke about time travel

But you guys didn't like it

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and...

Did you here about the two pharaohs who farted at the same time?

They had a tutankhamun.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

The bartender said “sorry we don’t serve time travelers here”

Three time travelers walk into a bar.

Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.

He counted:

“Uno...”

“Dos...”

And disappeared without a trace.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe she'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

6:30 is the BEST time on the clock

Hands down

Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for...

I can never get a straight answer.

What kind of coffee is never on time?

>!the latte!<

One time last year when I was in Baltimore out late, I got jumped by three big black guys.

They were real nice, car started right up with no problems, and they even helped me get back to the interstate.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complai...

A young guy is buying condoms for the first time...

The pharmacy he goes to is in a high-crime area, so frequently stolen things like condoms are kept behind the counter. He sees a sign advertising condoms for $6.99 a box. Nervously, he approaches the counter.

"I'd like one box of condoms please."

"Certainly," says the pharmacist. "An...

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.

The General replied "1956, ma'am."

The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better."

The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour.

Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and...

Why does it take pirates a long time to learn the alphabet?

because they can spend years at C!

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the ...

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra.<...

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the year XXXX, two scientists discover how to time travel. One of them tries to test it.

After a few minutes, he returns and tells the other: ''Our ancestors had to deal with a lot of shit: they forced women to give birth to the seed of their own family members, they were treating rats as unnatural spawns of the devil sent for harming the children...''

&#x200B;

The ot...

If I had a dollar for every time someone said money isn't that important

I'd eventually agree

I went skydiving today for the first time. This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out the plane and as we plummeted, he asked me.

So how long have you been an instructor?

A guy visits NYC for the first time and decides to go see Chinatown.

As he’s walking around, amongst all the Chinese shops he spots a bakery called “Hans Olufsen’s Bakery”. Feeling curious, he walks in. Inside he sees an all Chinese staff, with several Chinese pastries on display. Even more curious, he notices the guy who looks like the manager and talks to him:
<...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.

&#x200B;

He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Only fifteen minutes

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if...

I wo der how people used their free time before the internet...

I asked my eight siblings but they didn't know either.

Time flies when you name your bird after seasoning.

I am aware that the correct spelling is thyme

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"The average woman will receive verbal abuse six times a day," said my wife.

I said, "Honey, you're not the average woman. You're a million times what the average woman is."

"Aww, thanks babe," she replied.

I said, "It wasn't a compliment. Lose some fucking weight."

A gynecologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change.

He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town. After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake on the marking of his grading paper and enquires with the teacher....

Once upon a time, a small boy named Bashir lived in a tiny Pakistani village.

Once upon a time, a small boy named Bashir lived in a tiny Pakistani village.

All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher, who always yelled at him saying "you are driving me crazy, Bashir".

One day his mother went to check how he was doing at school and the t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man asks his wife to make him happy and sad at the same time...

She thinks for a minute and says..


You have the biggest dick out of all of your friends.

A man stumbles out of a bar just before closing time.

An officer was already outside, waiting for drink-drivers. She watches as the man nearly trips down the stairs outside the bar, stagger over to his car, and fumble in his pocket for his keys.

Looks like I've got one, the officer thinks to herself.

15 minutes later, closing time finally...

Guy goes to get a massage for the first time. What is he happy about?

All the things he didn't know he kneaded.




Edit: Thought about it more. Initial phrasing was to bait out "happy ending" responses, but I feel like this would probably be better:

Guy goes to get a massage for the first time. What was he surprised by?

How much was knead...

My uncle tells this one all the time.

Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a pink elephant?
Person most likely answers: with a pink elephant gun.?
A: No! Hold it’s trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with the blue elephant gun.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

When is the best time to eat pie?

At 3:14

My father told me that I'm in the 1%

He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks...

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

It’s time to stop Alabamian stereotypes.

Me, my dad, my uncle, my mom, my aunt, and my grandfather have started a petition to stop these stereotypes.

We may only have 3 signatures, but we can start a change!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits..

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once at a gig, Bono stopped everything and asked the crowd for complete silence. He started slowly clapping his hands and he said “every time I clap my hands, a starving child in Africa dies....”

....and then one man in the crowd shouted “well then stop clapping your hands then you cunt!”

A man bought a balloon a long time ago and is selling it on eBay. What does he do first?

He adjusts the price for inflation!

Time to invest! Iron is becoming scarce.

First Iron Man and then the Iron Throne? There can't be much iron left.

What is the only time you see BMWs using their turn signals?

The driving examiner is sitting on the front passenger seat.

Every time you get sick, slap yourself in the face until you get better.

After some time, you'll stop getting sick because your body has been trained that this is bad behaviour.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My first time doing stand up was a lot like my first time having sex

I only lasted 1 minute, every one involved was disappointed, and my dad didn't come.

Once upon a time in an old magical kingdom, there lived an young monk called Sam...

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral
singing. They trained, hours every day, refining
their voices and their art. Their song floated
down the mountainside, enriching the lives and
souls of the townspeople below

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th
birthday,...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bloke has just got out of a time machine and forced me to suck his cock, I felt degraded and humiliated.

When I get older I am going to build a time machine, go back in time, find this twat as a kid, and force him to suck my cock.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times in the stomach

Miraculously, her and all 3 babies survived. She had 2 girls and 1 boy.

Years later one of the girls runs up to her mother in shock. "Mom mom! I was peeing and a bullet came out!"

Shocked, the woman explains the story of what happened while she was pregnant.

The next day, the ot...

For the first time in my life I finished a bar of soap

It was alright, but probably not worth the calories

How loud would it be if all the cats in the world meowed at the same time?

I don’t know exactly but it would be cat-astrophically loud.

An autistic child first time going to school

So first time posting here. It is my favorite joke and I have never seen it posted. It is better with some gesture and noise but I'll try anyway, I'll do my best to translate it in English. (sorry if my English isn't perfect but I have to share this masterpiece)


A mother tell her autisti...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I drank civet coffee for the first time!

Honestly, it tasted pretty crappy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband to wife: “I’m not sure why, but every time I look at myself naked in the mirror I get a massive erection”

Wife to husband: “It’s because you’re a cunt”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just watched Fight Club for the first time and I gotta say...

Oh shit, I almost broke the first rule.

Making love for the first time

Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical"

so after we made love

***i disappeared***

My girlfriend has been having a really hard time with her hay fever and diabetes, so I thought I’d get her something nice.

Nothing fancy, just some flowers and chocolates.

If I could time travel

I'd go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

Current times are scary. We must rise up against it. We need current times resistance.

We need voltage.

So Justin Beiber and Ed Sheeran collaborated for the second time on their new song called 'I Don't Care'. What was the first you ask?

I don't care.

I can count on one hand the number of times i went to Chernobyl.

13

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Friend: What time is it

Me: pass me that trombone and I will find out.

Me: *plays trombone loudly.*

Neighbour: "who the fuck is playing the trombone at 2am?!"

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.”

I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

I can never find time to work out, so I started going to the gym from 9 to 11.

That way I can *Never Forget.*

What time is it when a bull sits on your car?

Time to get a new car

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar...

“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

If you think about it, we already have Time Machines.

They're called clocks.

What is the best time of day to perform devilish hijinks?

Lets say ten.

A few days ago, a team of 200 scientists released the first ever image of a cosmic body with a mass 7 billion times that of the sun's, also known as

yo mama lmao

Time traveling is really weird when you're married

You get to go back, see all the mistakes you made, fix them, and then all of a sudden you're single again

My girlfriend threatens to leave me every time I quote Mr Brightside.

But it’s just the price I pay

they say that time flies like an arrow...

... and fruit flies like a banana.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Once, A long, long time ago, there was a woman who never complained, whined, or nagged.

But, as I said, it was a long long time ago, and only for a day.

Ok so I’m actually putting a joke on here this time.

A vegan, a Anti vaxxer and a Athiest wall into a bar


I only know because they told everyone in the first 2 minutes :/

My friend decided to use balloons to propose to his online girlfriend, but then he met her face to face for the first time.

He immediately popped the question.

Did I ever tell you about the time I saw a sign that made me sh!t myself?

It said "bathroom closed."

My friend Jack has recently started an odd behavior. Every time I see him he starts hissing.

And then he proceeds to let me down gently.

If I had a dollar for every time I lost my train of thought...

ooh, a dollar!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A homosexual couple is having sex for the first time

one says to the other "we need to practice safe sex so i brought condoms."

He first puts a condom on his tongue

the second man says to him "why do you need one on your tongue?"

the first one responses with "its for if i do a rimjob"

he then puts 5 on his fingers

...

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on,

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

Yesterday my friend was showing off the features of his Huawei P10. Another friend stepped up with his P30 claiming it had 3 times the features.

Today they'll see what my P90 can do.