I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo momma.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

6:30 is the BEST time on the clock

Hands down

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on...

...I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”

Making love for the first time

Before my girlfriend and i made love for the first time, she said, "i want this night to be magical"

so after we made love

***i disappeared***

Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for...

I can never get a straight answer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

I was going to post a time travel joke..

But you guys didn't like it.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

I can count on one hand, all of the times I’ve been to Chernobyl

14

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I got a nickel for every time I had sex

My pimp would beat my ass

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits..

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about...

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I recall my fist time with a condom

I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’

So she un...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

People give anti-vaxxers a hard time, but they gave us one important thing...

A control group for our studies confirming that vaccines do not cause autism.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I travelled back in time 100 years and went around calling everyone "gay"...

They'd all be happy

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

So I went onto r/wooooosh for the first time today...

I just don't get it.

Me: It’s not how many times you fall down. It’s how many times you get back up.

Cop: Sir, that’s not how sobriety tests work.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me not attractive.

They eventually would.

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

I went to a halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered

The chicken

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every time my wife and I watch Thor she takes a abnormally long shower afterwards.

I have no idea what she is doing in there but it gives me more time to masturbate to Chris Hemsworth.

Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?

This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on,

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

How many times a day does a dog bark?

About 100, but that’s just a ruff estimate.

I remember when I was a little boy, an old man suddenly stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

So I've spent all my life working on a time machine, and now that I've built it, I'm going back in time to when he was a little boy, and I'm going to punch him and see how he likes it!

If I had a Delorean

I’d probably only drive it from time to time...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man to the shed and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, removed the handle and picked up a hacksaw...

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The husband said "No, you are. I'm setting the shed on fire."

One time my math professor asked everyone in class to write a complex number on their forehead

You could probably imagine the expressions on our faces.

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?

A widow.

My friend from Cairo keeps trying to sell me his time share property...

... I think it might be a Pyramid Scheme.

What did the megabyte say to the kilobyte when he punched him 1 million times?

That giga-hurts!

My father told me a million times...

never to exaggerate.

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.

The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, **"Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"**

"Yup," says the woman. "Makes it ea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

My wife apologised for the first time today.

She said she was sorry she ever married me.

Every time I eat eggs benedict I'm reminded of my time in the Netherlands.

You know, my Holland days.

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,

we were having a drink and I said to him

"Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?


He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

Time flies like an arrow

fruit flies like a banana.

A friend once asked me what's my favorite time of the day

I said it was simple: 6:30, hands down!

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard of the IRS

I’d only have 90 cents for every time I’ve heard of the IRS

The only time kids are shot in school in Canada is..

Picture day

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband and wife are having sex. The wife had already finished once, but then for the first time ever she experiences multiple orgasms, and she screams so loud that her husbands ears start ringing. The wife breathlessly asks, “Do you know what you just made me do?”

The husband’s hearing hasn’t recovered yet, and he says,

“Come again?”

How many times does it take for someone to enjoy fisting?

A handful.

Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"

The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.

The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

The second guy says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The first guy says, ...

A long time ago...

For many years, a small indian village had been mistreated by a great fire breathing dragon. All the villages were too scared to even leave their houses at night, that was except for a young man named Urkake.

Urkake was a fearless fighter who swore to the village that he would slay the drago...

What did our parents do to kill time before the internet?

I asked my 16 siblings and they didn't know either.


Not oc but thought I'd share.

The bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.”

Two time travelers walk into a bar.

Tomorrow I'm going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’ll always remember my time at the sewage plant.

Man, did we see some shit!

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve killed a deer

It’ll be zero bucks

A sailor comes back one morning after a long time at sea

His best buddy died on the ship, so he goes announcing the news, first thing, to his widow. One thing led to another and they are starting to undress, but she suddenly stares at him and stops, asking:

-Why are you only half mast?

-It’s mourning wood

What app do you get, when you download instagram a thousand times?

Instakilo

Why where the cave people mad about their children playing with rocks all the time.

They wouldn't stop getting stoned, staring at tablets, and playing rock and roll all day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The average person has sex 89 times a year.

This is going to be one hell of a week.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.

"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.

"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.

"Don't you mean Polio?"

"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not wantin...

Who's the most famous blacksmith of all time?

Will Smith

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My first time posting on /r/Jokes was like being a UPS driver.

Because I fucked up the delivery

My dad passed away last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the doctors to give him a transfusion

As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's really hard without him.

Super Bowl Halftime

At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman go out for dinner. They have a great time and decide to go back to her apartment.

Since this is his first time in the apartment, the woman decides to give him a tour. They go throughout the apartment and the tour ends in the bedroom. When in the bedroom the man notices that there are 3 shelves filled with stuffed animals on the wall. The top shelf has itty bitty animals. The midd...

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

What can solve over population and world hunger at the same time?

Cannibalism

Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a Nickel for every time i told a funny joke...

I would be Nickeless Cage.

The gynecologist who became a mechanic!

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligentl...

My dad always told me that I am special, that I'm the 1%.

Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say “freelance” in an independent coffee shop...

I have no idea how much money I would have, but it would definitely be more than a freelancer.

What do you call a well dressed dwarf that keeps perfect time?

A Metro Gnome

Every time I go to a comic convention in my normal clothes, people ask me who I'm going as. I finally have an answer...

Thanks to Marvel, I'm going as a Skrull in disguise...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the middle of a show, Bono starts snapping his fingers. He says: "Every time I do this, an African kid dies"...

A voice from the audience: "Stop snapping, you sick fuck!"

A blond and a brunette jumped off the roof of a 10-story building at the exact same time. Who hit the ground first?

The brunette.

The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

Daylight Savings Time Gave Me a Back Injury

I need to buy a smaller sundial.

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?

No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

Every time there’s a blackout I feel so...

...powerless.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You're 18, it's time to get laid

A a boys 18th birthday his father gives him a $100 bill and tells him to go get a hooker. So young man leaves to go look for a hooker. After a few hours of driving around and finding nothing he likes he decides to visit his grandmother.
She asks what he is up too and he tells her. She says "I...

A young chinese boy has been having a tough time ever since he moved to America

A young chinese boy has been having a tough time ever since he moved to America. He could barely speak English, was socially awkward and was constantly bullied at school. His mother, his only family, was in the hospital with a rare illness. The nurse taking care of his mother was the most beautiful...

I asked a girl what time she'd be free for a date

She said 4:04



Guess she couldn't find the time.

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

If your plane experiences turbulence, just pray. Works every time

Because no one alive has been able to claim otherwise.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to a brothel for the first time.

He is a bit shy, talks to the Madame in charge and quietly ask if he can spend some time with a girl with big tits and a tight pussy. The Madame assures him this is indeed possible and invites him to take a seat in the bar area and have a drink first, while the girl gets ready. The guy sits down and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A long time ago, every village used to have its own scribe.

The scribes were the only people who knew how to read and write, and were enormously respected. They were considered the heads of each village, and helped out in the daily governing.

Well, the scribe of one of the villages had grown quite old, and was too tired to help every day. He got him...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

My brother used to throw pennies at me all the time

And that’s why I’m afraid of change

Would now be a good time to make a joke about the Mars rover dying?

Or has the Opportunity passed?

What do you call two Egyptian mummies that fart at the same time and have the same smell?

Toot-in-Common! (tutankhamun)

Today in math class I had to fart. I thought if I dropped my book and farted at the same time, no one would hear it.

I dropped my book and everyone looked at me. Then I farted. Loudly.

Time is like a drug

Too much will kill you

I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working!

I don't go in my kitchen anymore.

When I was a kid, I used to blow bubbles all the time.

But I just heard he's been released from prison and has been asking around for me...

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

I was shocked to find out that I had a little Canadian in me this whole time.

And he didn’t even perform well!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman I had been seeing told me after we had sex for the first time, "I didn't know you had such a small organ."

I told her, "I didn't know I was going to be playing Carnegie Hall."

When's the best time to tell a child about death?

Before the second trimester.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

What does Ron Weasley become when he uses Hermione's time turner to travel into the past and then the future?

Earlier Ron and then later Ron.

Every yo mamma joke has been done thousands of time by thousands of people...

kinda like yo mamma.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If my wife wants sex, I told her to pull my penis two times.

If she doesn't want it, I told her to pull it 100 times.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you tell someone who has diarrhea and anxious at the same time?

*Don’t lose your shit*

So a man stuck in a time loop walks into a bar...

So a man stuck in a time loop walks into a bar...
So a man stuck in a time loop walks into a bar...
So a man stuck in a time loop walks into a bar...
So a man stuck in a time loop walks into a bar...
So a man stuck in a time loop walks into a bar...
So a man stuck in a time loop walks...

Past, Present, and Future walked into a bar at the same time

The encounter was is will be tense.

But the time traveler didn’t get hired

A time traveler went to an interview to get a job . . .