A fortune teller told me that, in 12 years time, I'd suffer terrible heartbreak.

So, to cheer myself up, I bought a puppy.

I’ve been a follower of r/jokes for a long time so here are some of my favorite ones:

One, uno, eins, un.

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A Jewish pilot and Chinese pilot are flying together for the 1st time.

An hour into the flight, the Jewish pilot says to his Chinese counterpart “I don’t like the Chinese.”

Stunned, the Chinese pilot replies “Why don’t you like the Chinese?”

“Well” says the Jew, “the Chinese bombed Pearl Harbor.”

Even more stunned, he replies ”The Chinese didn’t bo...

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Y...

What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?

College

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

I wanted to make a joke about time travel...

...but you guys didn't like it.

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A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"


She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

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Group of guys at the pub. One says, "My missus is charging me $50 a time for sex"

The other guys look at each other and say, "That's not bad mate, she charges us $100."

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

Daddy, do all fairy tales start with Once upon a time?

No dear, there’s a whole series of fairly tales that start with “If elected, I promise”.

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"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"What about it exactly?"

"How the hell do you delete the history so mother doesn't find out?"



(translated, sorry if not properly)

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A man calls his girlfriend into his room for the first time

He says, "I have a problem with my penis, but you have to promise not to laugh"

She promises not to.

He shows her his penis. Its so small, she loses her calm and starts laughing so hard she falls down.

The man is now angry at her because she said that she wouldn't laugh at it. S...

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. Yo...

I used to get angry every time I see someone say “Trump 2020”.

If only I knew it was an expiration date.

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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker...

He’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”

She says, “A h...

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting, "Be positive!", but it's difficult to be positive without him.

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

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After having sex for the first time...

After having sex for the first time the girl I was with complained. "I thought you said you could perform like a professional athlete!"

"Hey", I responded, "Don't judge. Bullriders **are** professional athletes!"

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row...

...they told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts

Two retired British Indian Army officers sat in the common room of their nursing home waiting for tea when they began reminiscing about their time India.

“Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”

“I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”

“I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village and armed with my rifle we set out. Several ho...

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.

"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.

"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.

"Don't you mean Polio?"

"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not w...

My dad and I(f) both ordered the same thing at the same time online. He got his before me.

Mail privilege...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

For the first time in history, a US president haven't grown old, gray haired and tired by the stressful tasks of his presidency ...

... Instead everyone else did.

I guess the TV ads were lying to us all the time.

Aren’t you supposed to call the doctor if your election lasts this long?

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

I know men over mansplain things some times...

But why do women keep ovaryacting to it?

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 50 told me my generation sucks...

I could afford a house in the economy they've ruined!

My horoscope said that i was going to get my heart broken in 12 year time.

So i bought a puppy to cheer myself up.

What does a CIA Agent do when it's time for bed?

He Goes Under Cover.

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm drunk all the time

Dear God, I got married?

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside.

A man walks into a store and buys a life time supply of condoms.

Only he doesn't know it.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

Biden has won so many times in Michigan now

he's legally required to change his name to Ohio State.

Morning time

I woke up this morning, went to the bathroom.....then got out of bed to get some coffee.

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Son said to me, “you spent a lot of time in the bathroom in high school, didn’t you?”

I answered “No, why? “

He says “cause that’s where all the dicks hang out.”

How do you get someone to do something annoying 18 times in a row?

>!y!< >!o!< >!u!< >!m!< >!a!< >!k!< >!e!< >!t!< >!h!< >!e!< >!m!< >!c!< >!u!< >!r!< >!i!< >!o!< >!u!< >!s!<

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One time i was at a bar

A lady asked me if alcoholics run in my family

i said "No but they stumble around and break shit"

A Texan went to Europe for the first time, traveling by sea on the steamship France.

The first night out, the chief steward put him at a dinner table with a Frenchman who spoke no English. When the food arrived, the Frenchman said: "Bon appetit," and the Texan, assuming he was introducing himself, replied, "Harvey Granger."
The next morning at breakfast the Frenchman again said, ...

Time flies like an arrow..

Fruit flies like a banana!

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.

Tell a woman she is fat once and she’ll remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

The first time I saw my girlfriend tending her beehive...

I knew she was a keeper.

Instead of a swear jar, I started a negativity jar. Every time I think negative thoughts, I throw money in.

It's half empty.

I miss my ex-girlfriend all the time.

I really need to work on my aim.

Did you hear about the time a cat got into a mousehole?

Casualties were **cat**astrophic.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A husband asks his wife, 'Honey, can you tell me anything that makes me happy and sad at the same time?

The wife thinks for a moment and says, 'Of all your friend's, yours is the biggest one'


(Sorry if I made any mistake, I tried to translate it from my mother tongue)

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A young man has sex for the first time

The young man was very nervous about having sex with his girlfriend for the very first time, because he was convinced that his penis would be too small.

Eventually he realized that he could not postpone it forever and he nervously invited her over to his house..

Hesitatingly he starte...

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband Tom had a terrible bicycle wreck, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the ...

So a time traveler meets George W Bush...

Time Traveler: "What year is it?"

George Bush: "2001"

TT: "Before or after the 9/11 terrorist attack?"

GB: "Before"

By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded.

"Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loud that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "N...

As I stood there seeing my girlfriend's peaceful face, I remembered that this would be our last day together. So I decided to make the most of it by making love to her one last time...

Unfortunately, no one else at her funeral shared my sentiment.

The Guillotine was supposed to be ahead of its time

It had cutting edge technology

I saw an escalator for the first time today

Just stopped and staired.

This is the first time that a US president is named Joe.

Goes to show, it’s still not true that any average Joe can become president.

Do you guys know which has become the most expensive streaming service of all times ?

University

What did god say when Eve went skinny dipping for the first time?

Damn, i will never get that scent out of my fish.

I had a great time travel joke to tell you guys.

But it turned out that none of you liked it.

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

What did the first egg tell the second egg when it didn't make it on time?

Omelette

In my spare time I help blind children.

I mean the verb, not the adjective.

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

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Study suggests that a man does sex for a minimum 30 times a year.

Looks like it is going to be fun December for me.

I’ve just time travelled from next week to tell you who won the election

It was the rich, old white guy

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My grandparents used to have sex once a week, on a Sunday, in time to the nearby church bells

My grandad would still be alive if it wasn't for that damn ice cream van

Freddy Mercury, Bruno Mars and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar at the same time...

But, they didn't "planet"...

What time is it when you see cows sleeping in a field?

Pasture bedtime

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Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm.

Helvetica and Times New Roman walked into a bar

Helvetica and Times New Roman walked into a bar. “We don’t serve your type!” said the bartender

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

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A blonde orders a beer

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So ...

My wife said that the next time she sees me browsing Reddit, she'll smash my head against the keyboard

Hehdjeiwnbxkakanbciejsnakxc

Interview for Australian visa for first time mostly be like:

A : Do you have criminal record?

M: No, I didn't knew it's still required?

My mom said my Pawpaw would say this joke all the time in the car. They'd be driving along and a bug would splat against the windshield and he'd say...

"I bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again."

I tried on a turban for the first time today ...

Made me feel a bit Sikh

i uninstalled reddit to be less distracted and more productive with my time.

thats why im posting this from my browser now

The average American has gotten stronger over time

In 1990 it took two adults to carry $10 worth of groceries. Now a 5-year-old can do it.

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Jack & Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The prob...

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I still have sex with my ex-girlfriend all the time.

Honestly, I'm lucky she married me.

Every time you light a lighter,

it gets lighter.

How was it like, flying for the first time?

"I think I did quite well. Everybody in the room was clapping", the second mosquito said.

I made this up today! What do you call a guy who's been left at the old persons home three times in a week?

Jerry hat trick.



(Geriatric)

Me: it's not about how many times you fall, it's about how many times you get back up.

Cop: that's not how field sobriety tests work.

I caught my wife cheating. This isn’t the first time. I have asked her to leave the family home. I have filled for divorce and will ask for full custody of the kids and the dog. I thought 2020 couldn’t get much worse.

Hopefully this is the last time she steals monopoly money, when playing as the banker.

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I just read a tear-jerker about a man who grows younger every time he ejaculates.

It's a coming-of-age story.

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.

It's twelve.

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

What do you call a Subway manager who spends too much time helping make sandwiches up front and not enough time back in the office attending to business matters?

Counter productive.

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If time and space were hot girls, you could only fuck Space

Because Time is relative.

A long time ago, on the Island of Tridia,

A group of peculiar people dwelled in peace. They were a small, peace-loving group of individuals. They were peculiar for several reasons: they were all extremely short, the tallest of them coming to a whopping meter in height; they were zealously religious, but they had no particular religion; and ...

I heard Joe Biden was gonna get the same intelligence briefing Trump gets everyday for the first time tomorrow.

Does the coloring book come with crayons?

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

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TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time

Without looking like a twat

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

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A cumshot came out of the time machine...

It was a blast from the past

What gets laid 3 times a day?

The dinner table.

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Just found out from a time traveler who lost tonight’s debate!

America!

Enjoy the shit show. Cheers.

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.


After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.


In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, '...

I set one of my best friends ringtone to Never gonna give you up so every time he calls me I get rickrolled.

I haven’t been rickrolled in 3 months.

It's high time the U.S. government abandoned the penny...

It just doesn't make cents, for it's obsolescent.

What word is innocent and dirty at the same time?

A showerhead

What do you call a detective and a part-time electrician?

Sherlock Ohms!

My friend spends 75% of his time playing American Football and the other 25% playing Baroque music.

He's a quarterbach.

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A woman who is pregnant with triplets (boys) is walking on the street when all of a sudden she gets shot 3 times in the stomach.

Upon arrival at the hospital the doctor tells her she will live and so will the 3 boys. He also tells her surgery isnt necessary to remove the bullets and the bullets will find its way out the natural way.

10 years have passed since the accident .when 1 of the boys runs up to his mom screamin...

I bet Santa spends a lot of time at strip clubs

He loves them ho ho ho’s

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds

Because every time I take them she goes away

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"Hey masochist, why do you spend so much time with the sadist?"

"Beats me."

Once upon a time...

There was an old lady who found a genie lamp. The genie appeared and said "I will grant you 3 wishes"

For her 1st wish the old lady wished for 10 million dollars and ***poof*** 10 million dollars appeared in cash.

For her 2nd wish the old lady wished to be young again and ***poof*** s...

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

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If you shit the bed one more time - I'm throwing your sheets out the window!

An elderly man in an old folks home has had a problem going number 2 in bed. The nurse has to change he sheets every morning so she finally breaks down and yells at him, "If you shit the bed one more time I'm throwing your sheets out the window!"

Well, sure enough, the next morning she finds...

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