Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo momma.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

Every time I ask someone what the acronym LGBTQ stands for...

I can never get a straight answer.

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time"

I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

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We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.

He always has stuff to do.

I was going to post a time travel joke..

But you guys didn't like it.

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The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

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Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits..

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about...

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each...

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of th...

If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me not attractive.

They eventually would.

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

6:30 is the best time on a clock

hands down

My wife apologised for the first time today.

She said she was sorry she ever married me.

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

A long time ago...

For many years, a small indian village had been mistreated by a great fire breathing dragon. All the villages were too scared to even leave their houses at night, that was except for a young man named Urkake.

Urkake was a fearless fighter who swore to the village that he would slay the drago...

Tomorrow I'm going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid

I can't wait to see how big my puppy got!

Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"

The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.

The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

The second guy says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The first guy says, ...

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?

A widow.

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function,

we were having a drink and I said to him

"Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?


He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.

"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.

"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.

"Don't you mean Polio?"

"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not wantin...

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

Super Bowl Halftime

At halftime it's Maroon 5 Patriots 3 Rams 0

If I had a dime for every time I didn't understand what's going on,

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam...

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

Who's the most famous blacksmith of all time?

Will Smith

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

I asked a girl what time she'd be free for a date

She said 4:04



Guess she couldn't find the time.

But the time traveler didn’t get hired

A time traveler went to an interview to get a job . . .

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I cry every time after sex.

I hate prison.

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Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

I posted a time travelling joke.

Again, thanks for all the upvotes. Made my tomorrow.

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?

No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

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The average person has sex 89 times a year.

This is going to be one hell of a week.

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Little Johnny swears all the time

His mother is at hers wit’s end. So she went to consult with a Priest.

“My daughter, sometimes we have to strike where it hurts the most, to educate our children. Let me ask you, do you give your son a monthly allowance?”

“Yes, Father, I give him 50 bucks.”

“So, every time he u...

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That’s correct." She then ...

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

A Scottish man visits Canada for the first time

He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger,
“Oi! What animal is that then?”
“That’s a moose,” the ranger replied.
“A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”

My girlfriend said she needed time and distance

I said: "Why do we have to involve velocity with this?"

Every yo mamma joke has been done thousands of time by thousands of people...

kinda like yo mamma.

Don’t be scared of dying. People die all the time.

You don’t hear them complaining about it.

My first time buying condoms, at age 16, I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, "No, it's my first time."

She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight.

I still looked confused.

She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was.

"Just a minute." she said and locked the door.

She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra....

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The first time I had sex was kinda like the first time I rode a bicycle

my dad was holding me from behind

Father :"Son, your mother and I have decided it's time to tell you you're adopted."

Son: "That's OK father! I will always love you and mom neither what!"

Father: "That's good son. Now pack your bags your new parents will pick you up in one hour."

Never say "Bloody Mary" three times at midnight, or you will have to pay a high price.

Really, I will never go to that overpriced bar again!

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

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Did you hear about the guy who tried to break the world record for number of times masturbating in one day?

He almost pulled it off!

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

And the bartender says "We don't serve time travelers here."

A time traveler walks into a bar...

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks..

Then I could also pay off my college tuition without even having a summer job

It’s a great time to date a Rams fan..

They are used to disappointment and aren’t expecting a ring.

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One time, I ripped ass so good I got sad when it was over.

I had postfartum depression.

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Success means different things at different times of life.

At age 4, success means not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success means having friends.
At age 17, success means having a driver's licence.
At age 25, success means having sex.
At age 35, success means having money.
At age 45, success means having money.
At age 55, s...

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I wish to go back to the time I had sex with a Rectangle...

...it was the best shape I'd ever been in.

It's almost christmas time and two prostitutes are talking to each other

One says to the other: 'So, what are you going to ask of Santa?'

Says the other: 'I think my regular price.'

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

It doesn't matter how many times you fall, it's how many times you get back up!

"That's not how field sobriety tests work." replied the police officer

If Trump gets a coin every time he gets criticized

He would have built the wall using his own money.

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My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...

I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

I knew a girl who sold her body when times were tough.

She did it on a need-to-ho basis.

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl...

...seven.

You know you spend too much time sitting, playing piano...

...when your Bach hurts

It's Trump's wedding anniversary in a few days and in a rare tender moment, he described the first time he ever laid eyes on Melania...

..and clicked 'add to cart'

How to know the time

Dude 1: Yo what's the time.

Dude 2: Dunno pass me that trombone and I'll find out.

Dude 2: (plays trombone loudly)

3 Neighbours Simultaneously: HEY WHO'S PLAYIN' THAT TROMBONE AT 2AM!?!?!?

Dude 1: Broooooo...

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Last year my girlfriend made me make a swear jar, every time I swear I have to put $1 in and after 12 months it goes to charity. Today I opened it up and said out loud ‘Blooming heck, there’s no gosh darn money in here.’

‘Cause I’m a fucking tight arse.

What did the Muslim child say after having been caught stealing the second time?

"Look mom, no hands!"

If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught half the time.

Because sin 90 = cot 45

Job interviewer: “And where do you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall all the time

I said mayyybeee

I get the same thing every time I eat at McDonald's...

Diarrhea.

We should not in any way, shape, or form make fun of female's time of the month

Period.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

Tom Brady is 5 times better than Nickelback

He's a quarterback

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess..."Will you marry me?"

The Princess said "No!" and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted. THE END

A young banker goes to jail for the first time for fraud... NSFW

He is immediately confronted by a large tattooed inmate as he enters the yard, who grabs him and says, “You wait til shower time, sweetheart. You’re going to get it good from me.”
The banker is trembling; his hands shake when he’s called out of his cell to lunch, knowing that after eating they’re...

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms...

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with...

Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.

It was a clerical error.

For the first time ever I understood what all the fuss was about 80s music

It was an Aha moment

What can you share and keep at the same time?

STD.

The CEO proudly said that he did "it" 7 times with his wife on his wedding night many years back.

The General Manager next to him said he did it 6 times before going to sleep on 1st night.

All turned towards a fresher Clerk & asked how many times did he do it on his wedding night.

The Clerk replied: Only once Sir!

The CEO laughed n asked WHY?

The Clerk replied: My...

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Stats show that the average person has sex 89 times per year.

Looks like I’m in for a wild December.

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First time posting on this sub

A man comes home from the pickle factory and tells his wife he was fired because he got his penis stuck in the pickle slicer.

“Oh my gosh are you okay!!” She says as she’s pulling down his pants to see if there’s anything wrong with it.

“I... don’t see anything wrong with with it. “Wha...

The real mistake of the half-time show was that Maroon 5 performed on a stage shaped like an M.

When they should've set it to W for Wumbo.

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[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Man...

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Your momma's so fat, last time she wore a glitter dress...

... the Hubble telescope thought it had discovered a new galaxy.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.

 

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.

"What!" Exclaim...

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In hard times, a young woman turns to prostitution...

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.

One cold evening, the brothel that the prostitute works in is raided by police. All sex workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.

As luck would have it, ...

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After incorrectly inserting my pin 3 times, I heard the unmistakable pained groans of my wife from behind me.

This voodoo doll is fucking amazing!

A man and a woman get stuck in an elevator and after a long time, it seems there is nobody to come to their rescue.

Desperate, the woman whispers: "Oh when this is the end, please let me really feel like a woman, for a last time."

The man immediately tears off his shirt,............


....


throws it to the ground and yells:



"Wash and iron, and hurry up!"

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How do you get a crowd of elderly people to all yell "FUCK!" at the same time?

Be the first to call out bingo.

Everyone should stop giving zombies a hard time...

...they just want piece of mind.

Once upon a time, there was a happy family with 3 kids: Snowflake, Sandgrain, and Brick

One day, Snowflake went up to his mother and asked:

“Mommy! Why is my name Snowflake?”

“Well you see, when you were born, a little snowflake landed on your head. So we decided to name you after it.” She replied.

A couple days later, Sandgrain went up to his mother and asked:
...

My blind friend tried LSD for the first time.

There was a lot more tripping than usual.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The first time I had sex with my girlfriend, all I could think of was my late wife.

I thought, “This’ll teach her for being late.”

My girlfriend wanted me to show her a good time.

So I emailed her all the pictures of me before we met.

What do you call an owl that can travel through time?

Doctor Hoo

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I spent a lot of my time in catholic school in the principal's office

Every interaction with that guy left a bad taste in my mouth.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Next time you call in sick for work tell them you have anal blindness, But if they ask what that is

Say :" I dont see my ass coming to work"

If you fart and sneeze at the same time...

your body will capture a screenshot

I never forget the time when we were at the party, playing truth and dare and

someone dared me to go home

This one time, people completely overused a word and ruined it forever.

It was epic.

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My wife made me some novelty tickets to exchange for sexy times.

Sadly she didn't make me any backstage passes.

Tired of boiling water every time you make pasta?

Boil some at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

Paddy had not done any acting in a long time

Paddy had not done any acting in a long time, and was thrilled have been given an opportunity in a local production.   The director said to him, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose, delicately, with just...

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A man goes to see the doctor and says," Doc, I have a rather embarrassing problem. You see, every time I look in the mirror I get an erection. Am I just too attractive? I'm really confused."

The doctor scratches his beard as he consults the chart, until he looks at the man over the rim of his glasses and says, "It's because you're a cunt."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I remember the first time I got my daughter a drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey b...

What's the difference between Kobe and time?

Time passes.

What's the difference between a good meal and a good time?

Where you put the cucumber

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Da...