Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type

I'd be her type.

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Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm.

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The first time I saw foot porn, I didn’t like it

So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.

Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Time zones are very confusing. Like it's may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe

and 1954 in america

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time

Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

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A long time married couple are walking by a shop when they suddenly notice a sign that reads "If you lift this 21" laptop with your dick, it's yours!"

... The husband goes in, lifts the laptop with his dick with great ease, and wins it. Everyone cheers for him.

A month goes by and the wife notices that the husband is no longer getting frisky with her. She tries everything to get him to make love to her. Nothing works.

Fed up and in t...

A bartender said "Sorry, we don't serve time travellers".

Two time travellers walk into a bar

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A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
...

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A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”

WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?”

He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”

What's it called when a crab is walking to it's part time job?

A side hustle.

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said:...

three times...

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?”

Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...”

“Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...

I think it is time to reconsider calling people 'Karen'. It is rude...

We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen.



Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager.



\*sorry\*

I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend

They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency

I mean it's just common cents

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If my girlfriend had a dollar for every time I made a sexist joke...

she would have $0.77

An OverweightTime Traveler goes to ancient rome

An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks ...

My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

I bought a second hand time machine next Sunday.

They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

6:30 is the best time on the clock

Hands down

The Doctor was a time lord, unchallenged in all the lands. David Tennant, an amazing doctor, with only one archnemesis. The enemy's name?

David Lanndlord

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum

For a long time I was a boy in the body of a girl

But then I was born

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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

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I went down on my girlfriend for the first time...

And I said, "Damn you got a huge pussy! Damn you got a huge pussy! Damn you got a huge pussy! "

She said, "Why'd you say that three times!!!"

I replied, "I didn't "

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When I first wanked it my semen only flew 6 inches. Now it goes at least a foot every time..

Look how far I’ve cum

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

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me :i dont like capitalization in words, it's a waste of time

Teacher:Its important for one really good reason, because it's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

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Why was the castle prostitute tired all the time?

She worked knights.

What does a chicken do when they fall on hard times?

Chicken strips

There was a time when people where entertained by men like Jonny Cash and Bob Hope

Nowadays, we have no Cash and no Hope.

At last.......I have managed to find my wife's 'G' spot....

....who would have thought her sister had it the whole time

Members of the Flat Earth Society are having a particularly rough time during the pandemic.

They say the 6 ft social distancing measures are pushing many of them over the edge.

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PRO TIP: if you are exposed to mace and/or tear gas DO NOT MASTURBATE, EVEN AFTER YOU WASH YOUR HANDS SEVERAL TIMES.

this is not a joke I’m suffering!

Once upon a time, there was a triangular lake.

On each side of this lake there was a kingdom. Kingdom 1 was rich and proud. They showed off their wealth at every corner. Kingdom two was wealthy as well, but was humble about it. Kingdom 3 was in great debt, and was struggling to keep their citizens alive.

One day, the kingdoms started a wa...

As a child I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive.

Luckily my older brother told me about it.

I was going to post a time travel joke

But nobody upvoted it.

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today...

Not every one of you, of course.

How did the octopus tickle a man ten times?

With it's tentacles.

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

Thanks to being furloughed I have finally had time to clean out my attic.

I haven't cleaned it, but I have had time.

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

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A man goes to see a sex therapist

"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"

"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.

The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.

"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie jus...

I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday, but every time I bring it up...

...she changes the topic...

I’m a nurse in a hospital’s children’s ward. One night, I was at the nurses’ station when I heard a little boy in his room talking. He kept the patter up for some time-

Finally, I got on the intercom and said softly but firmly, “All right, Johnny, it’s time to go to sleep now.” There was quiet in the room, and then he said, “OK, God, I will.” I didn’t hear a peep from him until late the next morning.
(True story)

Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”

Like bro you were there wtf

Since quarantine I've not had a haircut. Hell, I've not even stepped on the scales. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

Over time, I think about all the places I’ve visited and people I’ve lost along the way. It really does make me think

Maybe I shouldn’t have become a tour guide

I can get laid any time I want.

Of course, that's one of the perks of being a coroner.

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A father is annoyed at his son who won't stop looking at dad jokes on reddit. "Son! Get your ass down here! double time!" He shouts

As his words hit the air, His son suddenly vanishes, leaving behind only a note.

It reads: "Me and my donkey are now downstairs. The year is 4040"

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If time travellers exist they must be Nazis cuz they didn't go back and stop Hitler.

A man gets a worried look on his face. What are you, a time traveller? No I'm a preacher.

If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

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Once upon a time there was a boy with a wooden eye...

At his high school dance he was standing with his friends, too nervous to ask any girls to dance. "I'm afraid they'll make fun of my wooden eye..." he said.

His friend pointed to a girl with a wooden leg standing by herself in the corner, and said, "Hey, see that girl with the wooden leg? ...

I think that cop had a great time yesterday

I overheard him say he was out all night clubbing

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Every time I read a Stephen King novel, I get really confused.

Too many Maine characters.

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

This one time a Persian guy tried to fight me

Iran

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If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on

I would be like... how did I get all these fucking nickels??

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After My wife passed away it took a long time for me to be able to have sex with another woman.

I guess I had mourning wood.

Who else thinks it's time we called Sesame Street out for what it really is?

Show of hands

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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

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A sailor and an airman were in a base restroom at the same time. Both used the urinals. After completing his business, the sailor zipped up his fly and turned to leave. The airman glowered at him. "In the Air Force, they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom."

"Oh yeah?" the sailor replied. "Well, in the Navy they teach us not to piss on our hands."

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I had sex with my best friends mother, sister and girlfriend all at the same time.

It wasn’t a foursome or anything, Roll Tide.

English is weird. Sometimes the letter 'c' is pronounced like 's', but other times not.

Source: course

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Every time I get aroused, my penis turns into a crocodile.

The doctor said I have ereptile dysfunction.

I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time...

That she’s gonna scream and run out of the park.

I met a girl at a party and she said, “Come outside and I’ll show you a good time.."

So we went outside and she ran 100 metres in 9.79 seconds.

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

What do you call a hairdo that will get you laid exactly 0 times?

A nullet

How to slow down time?

Plank.

The restaurant's menu said "Breakfast Any Time"

So I ordered steak n' eggs from the Renaissance Period.

I get to open the time capsule I buried as a child tomorrow!

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy has gotten!

Today my daughter wouldn’t sleep during nap time

She was resisting a rest

"What time are we getting together for the last supper, Jesus?"

"Oh, hey, Judas. Come over about thr...wait, *last* supper?"

"Yeah, no, like, supper. When's supper?"

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A butcher and a vet are having a bit of freaky time.

The vet says to the butcher: Could you tug me off, because you have experience with sausage.
The butcher agrees and then tugs the vet off.
The butcher then asks: I’ve tugged you off what do I get in return.
The vet says: well whatever you want
The butcher responds: erm, I heard you have ...

My woman left me because I spend too much time on reddit

Little did she know when she sent the break up text that I already read it

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Once upon a time, there were two native tribes who were bitter enemies

One tribe lived in houses made of sticks, and the other tribe lived in houses made of grass. Each tribe had a sacred throne on which the tribe elder would sit and judge his people.

On day, the tribe who made their houses out of grass raided the village of the tribe who made their houses out ...

I met a time traveler today

Something strange happened to me this morning. I was walking my dog, when all of a sudden I heard a strange whooshing sound and out of nowhere a guy appeared on the side walk in front of me. He looked like he was in his twenties and was wearing really strange cloths. He was staring at a small techni...

The urge to sing "the lion sleeps tonight" may come any time

It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away

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NASA found evidence of a parallel universe where time runs backwards.

But we already knew about West Virginia.

I wasted my time on a vasectomy.

All it does is change the color of the baby.

If I had a nickel for every time someone called me a racist...

I could quit my job at the NYPD

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A woman tells her doctor, "Kiss me!"

The doctor says, "What? Why would I do something like that?"
The woman says again, "Kiss me now!"
The doctor replies, "Certainly not!"
The woman demands a third time, "Doctor, I want you to kiss me!"
The doctor answers, "No! It's unprofessional, highly unethical, and to be honest...

Less time in prison than he deserved why did the convict get?

Because the sentence got mixed up.

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.


I’m hanging with a family member in the hospital right now. I need some good jokes to keep spirits up and keep patients mind off the pain! Please help me out!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Forgive me, but my favorite all time joke is.

Little Johnny's curious so he asks his mom, "mom, what's a pussy?"

She gets mad and asks him where he heard that word.

J: "The boys at school were saying it"

M: "Well don't let me catch you repeating it but a pussy is a cat."

J: "What's a bitch?"

M: " Them bo...

Is this a bad time to say that I really like certain races and absolutely hate others?

The hundred metres dash is my favourite. The marathon is awful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A panda walks into a bar and eats all of the fries he can see. Then goes around and eats all the peanuts he can find. Then, he pulls out a revolver, and fires it three times into the air. Then he walks out the door.

The bar tender says, “what can I say? He eats chutes and leaves

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.

He says “This is Amanda”. His dad jumps up “It’s a fucking what?”

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

Hooker: “$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed” Man: “I’ll pay $50”

Hooker: “You’re a man of class :)”


Man: “Class my ass, I want it five times on grass”

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors, but he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect. Luckily, the judge was lenient...

...as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

60+ days off work, gas prices at an all time low, $1200... I know who I'm voting for...

Coronavirus for president!

A guy goes skydiving for the first time.

The instructor goes over the procedure with him.

“That plane will take you up,” the instructor says. “The pilot will let you know when you are over the drop zone. Jump out the back door of the plane and watch your altimeter. When it says 2000 ft, pull the red cord. It’ll deploy your main para...

I stay up late all the time, and it's getting really easy

I could do it in my sleep

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...

...I think I’ve really improved the delivery!

(True Story: Today is baby number four, and this is basically the same lame joke I told/posted when our last child was born. Dad jokes 4TW!)

I remember my first time with a condom.

I was 13 so I went to buy a packet of condoms from the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me a package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I said no, so she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her th...

Mrs. Bixby and Mr. Bixby one day decided that it was time they started dieting…

One day, after a few weeks of hardcore dieting Mrs. Bixby told Mr. Bixby that they should have a ‘Cheat Day’, Mr. Bixby agreed. When the day came Mrs. Bixby had laid the table full of goodies and awaited Mr. Bixby’s arrival. The door opened and Mr. Bixby entered with his secretary.

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'...

Roses are red, April is grey, The next time you leave your house

It’s Gonna Be May

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man when it’s his first time at a sex club?

A newcummer

MAN SHOT 200 TIMES with upholstery gun.

Surgeons revealed he is now " fully recovered"

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

For the first time this year I didn't go in a European trip due to coronavirus

Every year I don't go because of money

Vacationers spend too much time and money at donut shops

They're torus traps

I was having a really hard time picking a lock

Then it clicked.

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