A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

If I ripped out the first 100 pages of my dictionary, will I then be able to look up well, but and actually?

Well yes, but, actually no

After my wife died, I wasn't able to see any women for 25 years.

But now that I've been released from prison, I know it was worth it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the kid who was born without eyelids? Amazingly, they were able to make a set of eyelids out of his foreskin when he was circumcised! He looks totally normal now...

Except he's just a little cockeyed

I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.

What are the odds?

Hey! What do they call a bear that has uncontrollable emotions?

A Bipolar bear.

The best thing about being able to speak to 2 languages and having kids who can only speak one is that I can swear at them in one language but express love in another...

If only they spoke the 2nd language, they'd know how much I love them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A baby born with no eye lids

The mother is in shock and asked if the baby would ever be able to see and the doc replied "oh yes we would just get the skin after the circumcision and use for eye lids"
The mother still in shock asks "but will he be fine?"
The doctor says " yeah a little cock eyed but fine"

I’ve never been able to count any higher than seven in French...

It turns out I’ve got a huit allergy

My grandfather worked his whole life to be able to afford a nice cremation...

He urned it.

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

Why is an engineer able to toast bread five different ways but cannot make French toast?

This makes Why's dad proud.

Other than King Arthur, nobody was able to pull the Sword out of the Stone.

You could say, they didn't have Arthurization.

Back in my day, I used to be able to go to the store with $1 and get 2 sodas, 3 chips, and a chocolate bar...

Nowadays there are CCTV cameras everywhere.

The US military wanted to draft one of three people, an electrician, an engineer, and a politician. All three were asked why they should be able to stay with their families:

The electrician said, “If you draft me, who will work on your vehicles and weapons when they are broken?“

The engineer then followed with, “If you draft me, who will build the vehicles and weapons for the electrician to work on when they are broken?”

The politician then said, with a sl...

This simple test revealed if people were able to resist clickbait or not.

You failed.

I was finally able to make it out of the friendzone.

Turns out she didn’t want to be my friend either.

Did you hear about the old woman named able?

Every time someone insulted her, she broke their legs.



Thats how everyone learned not to diss able

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park".

Why were’t the melons able to get married?

Because they cantaloupe

My car tried to convince me it was out of fuel, but I was able to keep driving it for another 30 miles.

I think it was gaslighting me

I’d buy a house but I’m afraid I won’t be able to carry the payments.

Buy a lighthouse!

There's only one way the US is going to be able to redeem themselves after this presidency, and that's to outlaw the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

Make America grate again.

Dogs should be able to vote.

The movement to accomplish this will be called ruffrage.

As a kid, I wasn't ever able to do a pull-up. As an adult, that all changed.

Now I can pull up to McDonalds whenever I want.

How are nine ants able to live in an apartment for free?

By not being tenants.

I don't understand why people think that an animation graduate student would not be able to get a job. Well I'm here to tell them they're wrong. I'm working! I'm doing my job making many kids happy...

Happy meals at McDonald's.






Come get your free surprise gift for a limited time only.

Generally speaking, there are three different styles of cancan dances, 'French Cancan', 'British Cancan', and 'American Cancan'. In my opinion, French Cancan dances are able to outperform American Cancan dances and American Cancan dances can also outperform British Cancan dances.

In other words, Cancan Cancan can can can can Cancan.

Which spice girl is able to carry the most petrol?

Geri can.

I asked my karate instructor if I'd ever be able to do a dragon punch.

He said, "Suuuureyoucan!"

You shuold be be able to edit titles

Edit: should

I got a new tattoo because I wanted my friends to be able to count on me. It read:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

When I was younger I was able to grip a 16 inch softball in my hand so securely that nobody could pull it away.

So they had to cancel the game.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next say, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I apologized to my wife last night because I wasn’t able to perform during sex.

There were no hard feelings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After my wife's pregnancy, I had pulled my doctor aside and asked shyly, "When will we be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "My shift ends at 6, meet-up at the parking lot."

Two friends were walking and noticed a giant golden retriever laying down and licking its balls... one of them said what I wouldn’t do to be able to do that...

The other guy said -
Don’t you think you should pet him first?

I think that anti-vaxxers kids should be able to read the facts and be able to decide if they want to vaccinated or not

The only problem is they never get old enough to read.

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

One day we'll be able to put our thoughts from our brain into our phones.

Let that sync in.

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."

Caddy: "Try heaven, Sir. You've already moved most of the earth."

You know how Gotham citizens are going to be able to tell Bruce Wayne is Batman in the upcoming movie?

Because during the day he’ll sparkle.

I miss going to the store with 1$ as a kid and being able to get a pack of milk, 12 eggs and a lot of candies.

Now they have cameras everywhere

I bought a fountain drink and pressed the ice dispenser to fill the cup half way with ice, but I wasn't able to finish the task as it was...

...soda pressing.

What do you call it when someone’s unable to find someone able to help them through their pregnancy?

Having a midwife crisis

I used to be jealous of Harry Potter for being able to talk to snakes.

But it turns out I've been doing it for years.

I wasn't able to catch my train...

The air was so foggy that I mist it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so.

One day they came with an idea. Each time they make love, they will put a 10 note into a piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The ...

Dad: When this heals will I be able to play an instrument?

Doctor: yes, you will be able to in a few days.

Dad: Great, I've always wanted to play an instrument.

I ran behind the bus and finally able to catch it. I approached the bus driver and said

"Is this bus your mom?"
He: No

"your wife"
He: No

"Sister"
He: No

"Then why the hell you won't allowing me to ride?

Why was Peter Pan able to fly?

If you got hit in the Peter with a pan you'd fly too

Why are christians not able to do trigonometry?

Because Jesus took away their sin.

Why were Juan and his twin sibling able to plagiarize off each other without being caught?

Nobody expects the Spanish Twin Submission.

A trans friend of mine was recently able to adopt a kid.

Haven’t really seen him around lately, though, now that he’s a trans parent.

What’s more crushing than not being able to start your car?

Not being able to stop it

Someone asked me if I had ever noticed that I had a keen sense for being able to tell where water was underground...

I replied, "I'm well aware."

You may be able to take over Europe

But it’ll come at a holocost.

I haven't been able to have any orange soda since my wife left me

It takes 2 to Tango

what is something you can give out as a Christmas gift but still able to keep it at the same time?

flu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's three things I've never been able to get straight

My sexuality, and counting

I dont get why Rogues arent able to learn languages.

I guess Thieves' Cant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Princess Buttercup and Wesley were never able to have children

She was inconceivable.

Kudos to that guy who was able to poach deer

I can't even poach an egg decently.

What's better than being able to use disabled parking spots?

Legs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a man who claimed to be able to make moonshine in his rectum.

He said it was the best moonshine he ever tasted and I absolutely had to try it. I thought "it would make for a pretty interesting story". Butt still...

Right after I got my PhD in theoretical physics, I was able to land a job at Stanford!

My first shift starts tomorrow, after the senior janitor gives me a quick rundown.

Dave the geologist wasn't able to find a girlfriend for a while now

Once, he and his friends were walking down the street when they saw a fairly attractive girl.
His friend exclaimed "Dave! Will you date her?"
Dave said, "Yup, probably 25 years."

Why wasn't the car able to go to prom?

It didn't have good at-tire!

Does only being able to recycle number 1 and 2 plastics upset anyone else?

I just moved to a new city and they don’t recycle anything above a 2. Is it like this in a lot of places? I hope I can find somewhere to drop off my other plastics.

Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony.

I used to not be able to tell the difference between sine and cosine

But it was just a phase

My friend Claire predicted she'd be able to float in water

Guess she thought she was Claire bouyant.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime

Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

My wife and I had a long journey because of her illness. Finally we found an Indian doctor deep in the Amazon rainforest who was able to cure her.

Too much salt, if you ask me.

Why was Walter able to commit so much crime for so long on Breaking Bad without getting caught?

White privilege.

Just so everyone is aware, dogs are not able to undergo an M.R.I.

But Catscan.

I've always wondered how those eunuchs were able to stay out in the cold for so long ...

They must've frozen their ... oh ... wait ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby.

You'd be way too short and weak.

I was finally able to satisfy my wife last night.

I let her choose the new kitchen design

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m holding a party for people who might not be able to reach orgasm and you’re invited...

If you can’t come, let me know

Stevie Wonder calls Tiger Woods and asks, "How do you fancy a round of golf?" Tiger smiles to himself and responds, "I didn't know you were able to play, Stevie."

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can wear an earpiece which tells him the direction and distance to it.

Tiger says, "You have to understand Stevie, I'm a pro golfer, the best in the world! It will be too much of a mism...

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?" "Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

Me: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano once my arms heal again?

Doctor: Yes

Me: Oh that's amazing! I didn't know how to play before

If you are worth 75 million dollars, then you are able to see anyone in the world just by asking.

If you are worth 75 billion dollars, then you are able to see anyone in the world without asking.

Why wasn't the CIA employee able to go home to visit his family for Christmas?

Because he was Snowden.

This man was able to retire at 35 with two kids and a mortgage! Click here to see how!

He died

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thought I’d be able to have sex with my wife after we got married.....

Turns out I still have to pay to have a chance at her lootbox.

TIL that a school of piranhas are able to strip all the flesh off of a child in under two minutes.

Sadly, I was also fired from the aquarium.

No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between the words complete and finished. However......

"When you marry the right person, you are COMPLETE.

But, when you marry the wrong person, you are FINISHED.

And when the 'right one' catches you with the 'wrong one'

Well .... you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

I may not be able to use by the "N" word...

But at least I can say things like "Hey Dad", and "Thanks for the warning Officer!".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided today that I would save myself for my wife. No sex, no porn, I wouldn't even masturbate until I was able to be with my Life Partner, my Eternal Love, my Wife.

She is usually home around 7:30.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How was Russia able to film Trump's hotel room in Moscow without the US knowing?

Piss\-poor planning.

What did Zelda tell Link when he wasn't able to open the door?

Triforce

Am I able to think up of a brand new color...

...or will it just be a pigment of my imagination?

My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm. He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?"

I replied, "Single-handedly."

I’m sorry, but no matter how attractive they are, I will never be able to date a baker.

They’re too kneady.

I met a guy who was able to make doors out of anything

Everything was a-door-able to him

With women being able to drive in Saudi Arabia, they will open a woman-only taxi service.

It'll be called NiCab.

[NSFW] I think that I would be able to handle cancer better than my wife.

You're encouraged to beat cancer.

Going to the zoo and being able to name only one primate?

That’s a gibbon

Historically, the Inuit are one of the few groups of people who never lose their temper. After decades of research, scientists were able to figure out why...

They’re nomads.

Faith may not be able to move mountains

But I've seen the impact it has on buildings.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.