This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: (slaps me across the face) The men I please are none of your damn business

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

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I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"

"Pop", goes the weasel.

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy

I called a suicide hotline in Afghanistan

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

How can you differentiate male ants from female ants?

They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

Man: "Doctor, I think I have ADHD: I can't remember where I parked my Ford!"

Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works..."
Man: "But I keep losing my Focus!"

Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet?

Most only have 4

Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

Why can’t a T-Rex clap?

Because they’re dead.

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

I hired an expert to exorcise my house, but I can’t afford to pay them.

Now I’m afraid they’ll come back to repossess my house.

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says "Jason, you know I can't serve Robins here"

Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!"



Then he beats him to death.

I can’t remember wheather I had been with my girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But I know it's <3

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Grow a pair" is a terrible metaphor for toughen up because testicles can't take a beating

Instead people should say "Grow a dick" because men beat theirs every night, and every morning it's standing back up harder than it was before

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonym...

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Why can't homosexuals tell jokes

Cuz they can't keep a straight face


Btw I'm not trying to target homos

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction!

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

Why did the guy hate his job at the can crushing factory?

It was soda pressing.

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”

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How much can you fit in a triple D bra?

Large quantitties

Why can’t 2 caucasians make an Asian child?

Because two whites don’t make Wong

Can we please ban yo mama jokes on this sub? All of the yo mama jokes have been done thousands of times by thousands of people.

Kinda like yo mama!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

*RANT TIME* Please can we stop with the flashing blue outdoor Christmas lights this year ?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the machete under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's ...

Guy tells the talent agent, "My dog can talk."

Talent agent: "Prove it."

Guy, to dog: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: *Rough, rough!*

Guy: "What's on top of a house?"

Dog: *Roof, roof!*

Guy: "Who was the greatest Yankee ever?"

Dog: *Ruth, Ruth!*

Talent agent throws them out of his office.

D...

Doctor, can I take a bath with diarrhea?

- Well, if you have enough...

[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?

Man: I’m ..

Officer: Go on.

Man: I think...

Officer: Yes?

Man: Can I please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

Did you know that drinking tea while being too relaxed can kill you?

It's called a casual tea.

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.

Who can defeat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam.

Son: "Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The good thing about marriage is that you can have sex at anytime you want.

As long as you are the one with the vagina.

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"

The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."

Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."

Her husband raises his hand and says:

"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out ...

My friend thought that an onion is the only food that can make you cry

So I threw a coconut at his head

I was at a job interview and was asked if i can perform under pressure.

I said im not very familiar with the lyrics, but i would certainly have a go at doing bohemian rhapsody

Fun fact: Alligators can live up to 100 years

Which increases the likelihood they’ll see you later

Everybody knows of Murphy's law, anything that can go wrong, will. But have you heard of Cole's Law?

It's usually just finely shredded cabbage.

A leopard can carry something twice it's weight up a tree,

While a cougar can take something half her age into bed.

What’s the difference between a piano, a can of tuna, and glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a catholic boy that can run faster than the priest?

A virgin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein proposed The Theory of Relativity.

Feels like only yesterday.

If you have a child, you can name them “one million subscribers on YouTube”

Then you can tell people you hit one million subscribers on YouTube

A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:

Sam ate his own lunch after school.

Sam ate his own colon after school.

What can you share and keep at the same time?

An STD

TIL that a school bus can only jump over 14 students at a time.

Unrelatedly, I’ve been fired from my job as a bus driver.

I can count on one hand how many times I've been to Chernobyl...

27 times.

Can someone describe what this new film "Ford v Ferrari" is about, please?

In Le Mans terms.

I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"

The boss said "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

An english man, french, israeli, spanish and german are watching a street performance. The performer stands on a box and asks," Can you see me?"

The english answers" Yes"

The french answers"we"

The israeli answers "ken"

The spanish answers "si"

The german answers" ya"

Where can you find 6 easily?

Punjab, India.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

If you can think of a better fish pun

Let minnow!

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is ?"

"No Sun"......

Why T Rex can't clap with their hands?

Because they're dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just because I'm 14 doesn't mean I can't have an active sex life

Just ask my uncle

What do you call a woman who can service a car, cook, wash the dishes and repair the oven?

A Swiss army wife.

(Not intended to hurt anyone’s feelings)

If you take up drawing as a mid-life hobby, but you just can't get past tracing...

You might have an exit-stencil crisis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the...

Do you know there’s food that can help you survive no nut November?

Donut

Why can't you trust artists?

Because they are always a bit sketchy, a bit shady, and they will always try to frame you. I think you get the picture.

A man is in court

(Long but worth it)

Judge: "You are accused of beating your wife to death. If you want to expect any mercy, you'll have to give us a damn good reason."
Man: "She was so stupid, I just had to kill her."
Judge: "That is even worse. If you don't want to be declared guilty on the spot, you ...

I saw a kid being beaten up by 2 other kids so I decided to help

No way that little brat can resist the three of us

Why can't Donald Trump finish a book?

He can never make it past Chapter 11.

My landscape gardener says he can’t help me.

It seems my garden is in portrait.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having too much sex can cause memory loss

I read it on page 37 in a medical journal in November 2006 at 4:19pm

Wife refusing to leave.

So this was told by my hubs. He doesn't use reddit, so he asked me to post it.




Police: Sir, we can't make your wife just leave the house when she has no where to go.



Husband: That's not true. I bought her a place years ago, just for her and she refuses to go there....

Why do Scots wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from miles away.

My wife's always up for a laugh, so for a bit of a practical joke, I put her walking stick out of her reach...

I just can’t believe she fell for it.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.
"My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead."

There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

The smartest detective in the world was brought in to help solve a terrible crime...

"We have a lot of suspects, sir," said the officer. "Why don't you tell me about them?" asks the detective.

"Well first, we found this guy hiding in the bushes." - "It wasn't Russell," replies the detective.

"How about the wife of this hippie?" - "Mississippi? Not her."

"We got...

A man with a drinking problem finishes his night out at a bar

He takes a few steps and falls flat on his face. He gets up.

He takes a few more steps and again falls flat on his face.

He walks all the way home like this, continuously falling down and getting back up, and finally gets into his bed.

The next morning his wife wakes him up exc...

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Man comes to his house too early...

Man comes to his house too early, opens the door to a bedroom and finds his wive in a bed with a lover. Unfazed, man says "Darling, I bought you penicilin. Remember that doctor told you that you can't have sex before you are fully healed", closes bedroom door and hears scream. "Don't beat me! He's ...

Why do bald people cut holes in their pockets?

So they can run their fingers through their hair.

How can you tell the difference between an introvert and an extrovert developer?

An introvert developer looks at his shoes when he is talking to you, an extrovert developer looks at your shoes.

A Russian man, an Italian man, and a Jewish man all move into town.

A Russian man, an Italian man, and a Jewish man all move into town. They all want to start their own business, so each of them goes to the richest man in town and asks for a loan.
The Russian man asks, "I want to start my own business here, and I need a loan of $20,000". The rich man replies, "...

I got my wife a refrigerator for Christmas.

I got my wife a refrigerator for Christmas.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

3d printers can now print guns.

No big deal, I've had a Cannon printer for years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

If I had a million dollars, I'd donate a quarter of it to charity.

I can still do a lot with $999,999.75

A little girl stands before a judge at her custody hearing

The judge asks "would you like to live with your mom?"

The little girl, horrified, shakes her head and says, "No! My mom beats me. I never want to live with her!"

The judge, taken aback a bit, says, "We can give custody to your father, and you can live with him."

"No!" The littl...

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?

Nothing. You can't cross a scalar and a vector.

Investments in condoms outperform any stock or fund.

A 5$ investment today can yield $500,000 in savings at maturity (18 years). That's a 1,000,000% ROI!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband goes to an ENT doctor, fed up with his wife's hearing problem.

Husband: Doctor, I am frustrated with my wife's hearing or lack there of. It feels like I am talking to myself all the time. Please help.

Doctor: Where is your wife?

Husband: I called her many times, she didn't respond. I angrily left my home to meet you.

Doctor: Since she is no...

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.

He asks her - why did you say that?

I don't know, I just felt like saying it.

The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.

A month later at bedtim...

Check my bags please!

So I checked in at the airport the other day and I said please check this bag to San Francisco and my second bag I would like to go to New York and I will be flying to Chicago today.

The representative behind the counter says, “I’m sorry but we can’t do that sir.”

I respond, “WTF that’...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sitting on the bus, next to this lady when I turned to her and said, "Hey lady, can I smell your feet?" She became offended and replied, "OF COURSE NOT!"

"Then it must be your pussy."

Do u know the difference between a vitamin and a hormone ?

Can’t hear a vitamin

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn...

They said they can't do anything about crows and to stop calling them

Why don't blind spanish people agree with anyone?

Because they can't Si

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a traffic light and a vagina?

With a vagina you can go on when it's red, but you should definately stop when it's green.

Why can't a turtle stand up?

Because of a reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In an old age home, 80 year old Rustomji: I miss Sex life so much.

76 year old Dina: How can I help?
Rustomji: I'd feel good if you could just hold my dick.
So Dina held his dick, and they kept talking all night.
This continued every night for two weeks.
Then one day Dina saw Rustomji with another old lady holding his dick.
Dina furiously asked: Y...

My wife isn't into S&M. But I still love her...

she really can't be beat.

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in UFO]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong, I can feel it.

Hard to believe, but my girlfriend has a rare disease that makes her allergic to cosmetic products.

It’s true, this is something you can’t make up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked into kindergarten on my first day of school...

I was worried, but nonetheless excited to learn. We began by learning about animals. My teacher asked students what their favorite animal was and when it was my turn I said “Pink Flamingo”

The teacher began screaming and sent me to the principals office. “Why are you here son”, he asked. I to...

I don't understand why people make fun of short people. Honestly though, you've really gotta hand it to short people

Because they probably can't reach it anyways.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cruise ship wrecks in the middle of the ocean.

The only three survivors are tourists from different areas of the United States. A man from Georgia, a man from Florida and a man from Hawaii. They float on a raft until they hit an island where they’re met by a tribe of fierce locals who despise outsiders. A member of tribe offers to translate for ...

“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I’m running a marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: Stop trying to play the race card.

Why procrastinate

When you can put it off until tomorrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: Can you believe that after all of that crap they’re back together?

Me: Who?

Son: My butt cheeks!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A new discovery

What is the difference between driving in the fog and a 69’er?

You can actually see the asshole in front of you!

My nose is too big.

It can run but it can't hide.

The US mint has released a new collector's set of coins featuring Barack Obama.

It's called: 'Change We Can Believe In'.

Newly released convict goes for a job interview

Kyle who is fresh out of prison goes to a local grocery store for an interview.

Manager: Are you here for the stocker/helper position?

Kyle: Yes.

M: Are you willing to work nights?

K: Yes.

M: Are you willing to work weekends?

K: Yes

M: Say an old lady...

Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?

Because the trees can speak for themselves

I can't wait until I turn 32

It will finally be legal to date women half my age for a change

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day A fish was looking at a fly but the fly was six inches two high for the fish to jump up and get it

and fish said to himself.
“If that fly drops six inches and I can jump up and grab it I could get my self a pretty good meal.” But unlucky for the fish to know there was a bear who was watching the fish who was watching the fly and the bear said to himself.
“If the fly drops six inches and the...

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says.
"I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as wel...

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money.

“How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.

"They range from $2 to $2,000."

"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.

The salesman put a large device around the
man's neck, and said: "You just stick this red tube in your ear and run this cable down into your pocket." ...

I can't look at my father after his coming out

He's trans-parent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke I made up that's funny only when you look back at it.

This guy shows up to his optometrist and says "I have a weird problem",



The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?"



The guys says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!"



"That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The psychiatrist

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office. The psychiatrist asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The guy replies, "I just can't seem to make friends with anyone. Can you help me, you fat ugly bastard?"

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

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