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My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting there doing nothing!

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?

**Best Buy employee:** a cord?

**Me:** no it's a Civic.

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

“Can you please change my grade?”

“Of course,” Tom remarked.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you'...

A young kid came upto me and said "Can I please have a cigarette?" I was astonished.

Kids these days have such great manners

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

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"Don't criticise what you can't understand." - Bob Dylan

I fucking hate that quote. What does it even mean?!

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: (slaps me across the face) The men I please are none of your damn business

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How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?

Also why is water so fuckin scary?

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’

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There's a porn site that makes you watch at least 10 minutes of dwarf MILF content before you can access anything else.

That's their bare mini mum.

Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

A teacher says to her class one day, "Whoever answers my next question, can go home."

A boy throws his bag out the window.

The teacher asks, “Who just threw that?”

The boy says, “Me! I’m going home now.”

Why can't Superman beat Dracula?

Because he's afraid to go into the krypt tonite!

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I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

Finally learned why you can't use a wooden spoon on a Teflon pan

It's non-stick

Did you know you can make a hat out of any ship?

You just flip it over, that way its capsized....

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE...

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.

I M LIVID

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What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.

She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred d...

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"

"Pop", goes the weasel.

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

What's the name of the reindeer that's directly behind Rudolf? You know the one, he's just as fast as Rudolf but can't stop as fast.

Larry the Brown Nosed Reindeer

Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet?

Most only have 4

How can you differentiate male ants from female ants?

They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

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PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34

**ME:** I can’t afford that

**PIZZA GUY:** Well you’ll have to pay some other way.

**ME: [takes out wallet]** Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars.

**PORN DIRECTOR:** Cut! The fuck are you doing?

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

What do you call a woman who can't draw?

Tracy

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fri...

My English teacher said you can’t make a sentence with only nouns.

Wheel sea

Why can't two Chinese people have a caucasian child?

...Because two Wongs dont make a White

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Why can’t 9 ants rent an apartment?

Because they aren’t ten-ants

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My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she's always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me...

but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.

Man: "Doctor, I think I have ADHD: I can't remember where I parked my Ford!"

Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works..."
Man: "But I keep losing my Focus!"

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A lady asked her doctor if she can get pregnant from having anal sex.

The doctor said "Where do you think lawyers come from?"

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

I can't stand matryoshka dolls. ....

....

They're so full of themselves.

What color can stop any argument?

Agreen

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What is something you can say at JFK's assassination and during sex?

So no head?

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.

When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now.

The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide they should...

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.

Can February March?

No, but April May

“Wi-Fi laptops can damage your sperm”.

In my experience, not as much as sperm can damage your Wi-Fi laptop.

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Why can't dyslexics tell jokes?

They always punch up the fuck line

How can u tell a computer scientist is an introvert or an extrovert?

The extrovert looks at your shoes while having conversation while the introvert looks at his own shoe.

My friends zodiac sign was cancer, ironic how he died

Eaten by a giant crab.

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What’s the worst thing a phone sex operator can get?

Hearing Aids

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple.

But it had extremely limited memory.

Just 1 byte.

Then everything crashed.

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Where do you go for sex if you can't get a girl or pay for prostition?

The Catholic Church is always available for baptism

My dad said -459.67 Fahrenheit is the coldest things can get

I just said "0K, Boomer"

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction!

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What can you say during sex or literature lesson?

Oh shit thats deep

Three conspiracy theorists walk in to a bar...

You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence

Why can’t a T-Rex clap?

Because they’re dead.

I own the chewed pencil that Shakespeare used to write his famous works.

He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.

I hired an expert to exorcise my house, but I can’t afford to pay them.

Now I’m afraid they’ll come back to repossess my house.

I need a raise.

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. ...

Can't catch a break as a delivery driver for an Indian restaurant...

I've been working naan stop.

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I have a trash can fetish

My wet dreams are fucking garbage

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

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I hate guys who can suck their own dicks

They’re just so full of themselves

I can't believe people expect me to know what I will be doing next month

Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision!

Punctuation is important. Improperly used periods can alter the meaning of the entire sentence.

For example:

Teresa was on her trampoline, moving up and down in utter bliss.

Teresa was on her period, moving up and down in utter bliss.

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A man is sitting at a bar. Another gentleman walks up and sits next to him. The first man looks at the new comer and says to him “did You know this bar is so high up in the tower that you can jump out the window and the gusts will lift you up and float you right back in the window?”

The new guy looks at him, astonished at this. The first guy says “watch I’ll show you”, takes a shot of whiskey, runs over to the window and jumps out. Thirty seconds later he floats right back up and through the window and walks back over to the Other gentleman.

Amazed, the other guy says “I...

What do you call an ant that can't speak but has super powers?

Mutant

An indian and Albert einstein make a bet, Albert einstein says for every question you say and I don't have an answer for I will give you $500 and when I have a question you can't answer you will give me $5. The indian agrees. Albert asks him what 96950x30857 is, then the indian gives him $5 then...

The indian asks him, what goes up a mountain with 3 legs and comes down with 4, albert is stumped and gives him $500 then curious albert asks the indian what does go up a mountain with 3 legs and come down with 4? Then the indian gives him $5

Jason Todd walks into a bar, where the Joker is behind the counter. He says "Jason, you know I can't serve Robins here"

Jason asks "Why?" and Joker replies "this is a CROW bar!"



Then he beats him to death.

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonym...

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3 men are off to prison, and they can each bring one item with them

The first mentions his carton of cigarettes. Not only can he smoke it, but he can trade it too.

The second mentions deck of cards. It has always helped him pass the time, and jail is definitely no exception.

The two guys look at the third, who is just quietly staring off into the dista...

How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree?

By the bark.

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Why can't homosexuals tell jokes

Cuz they can't keep a straight face


Btw I'm not trying to target homos

Why did the guy hate his job at the can crushing factory?

It was soda pressing.

Man, smartphones are great you can search up anything like:

1. How to make a pizza
2. How to put out a fire
3. Directions to the nearest pizzeria

I can’t remember wheather I had been with my girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But I know it's <3

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it,forget about the future,you can't predict it forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

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There's a joke that you can only get if you ejaculate...

One day you might come to understand it.

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"Grow a pair" is a terrible metaphor for toughen up because testicles can't take a beating

Instead people should say "Grow a dick" because men beat theirs every night, and every morning it's standing back up harder than it was before

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“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”

“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

Be honest, what is one Race you can’t stand? I’ll tell you mine...

The presidential Race, too much drama in politics.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

What do a guy who likes fruit and a cannibalistic Central American who can’t pronounce the letter G have in common?

They both love eating Watahmalans

Why can Doctor Who never help himself out in the past?

It would make a pair of docs.

Can we please ban yo mama jokes on this sub? All of the yo mama jokes have been done thousands of times by thousands of people.

Kinda like yo mama!

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How can you tell for sure you have a small penis?

You show it to a girl and she laughs out loud.

And how do you know when you have a really tiny penis?

A) when you show it to a girl and she cries for you.

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

My friend Billy Bob and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. Billy Bob opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression. I said, “I’m so sorry”

“... but you can’t count Missouri twice.

[NSFW] Right now only female cows can give milk...

but milk from male cows is coming!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't women have sex more than 6 days in a row?

Because 7 days makes a hole weak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the cheapest type of meat you can buy?

Deer testicles, they're just under a Buck!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientist: My invention can creat matter in all three forms. Gas, liquid and solid.

My asshole: You know, I’m something of a scientist myself.

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How much can you fit in a triple D bra?

Large quantitties

Why can't two male doctors marry each other?

Because it would be a paradocs.

What are the ways you can describe your motorcycle but not your girlfriend?

# It's small, but it makes a hell of a noise.

# If you really push up tight, you can fit three people on it.

# It's ok... If you don't mind the bugs in her teeth.

# Sure you can ride her, everyone else has.

Why can’t 2 caucasians make an Asian child?

Because two whites don’t make Wong

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

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you can remove polish with chemicals...

so long as you're not Hitler.

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

I asked my friend why he stopped working his job of squishing soda cans at the recycling factory?

He said that it was soda pressing.

A couple are asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door". The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you". "Could you give me a push" says the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you're drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into b...

Why can't Matthew McConaughey's Lincoln make left turns.

Because it just goes Alright, Alright, Alright.

Can everyone just shut up about that new movie about the ice princess?

They can't seem to let it go

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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvio...

The idea that we can convert a dog's age to human years by multiplying by 7 is a total myth.

You multiply by 9/5 and add 32. It’s the muttric conversion.

Did you know that drinking tea while being too relaxed can kill you?

It's called a casual tea.

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"

The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."

Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."

Her husband raises his hand and says:

"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

What’s the difference between a piano, a can of tuna, and glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna

How can you name a cautious wolf?

Aware wolf

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The nake...

Can February March?

No, but April May. Joke credited to some nice older gentleman at my work today

I can't stand to see both soles of my feet.

I just can't.

How can you tell the uzi wasn't made in the usa

If it was it would've been a BigMac

Guy tells the talent agent, "My dog can talk."

Talent agent: "Prove it."

Guy, to dog: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: *Rough, rough!*

Guy: "What's on top of a house?"

Dog: *Roof, roof!*

Guy: "Who was the greatest Yankee ever?"

Dog: *Ruth, Ruth!*

Talent agent throws them out of his office.

D...

I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup yesterday

I had the biggest vowel movement of my life this morning.

What do you call a man that can't stand?

Neal

What do you call a lizard who can’t mate?

E-reptile dysfunction

*RANT TIME* Please can we stop with the flashing blue outdoor Christmas lights this year ?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the machete under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's ...

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What do you call a catholic boy that can run faster than the priest?

A virgin

What’s ET short for?

So he can fit in the spaceship

I have a pen that can write underwater!

It can also write other words too

Today I learned vegetarians can't eat pudding.

How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

I was at a job interview and was asked if i can perform under pressure.

I said im not very familiar with the lyrics, but i would certainly have a go at doing bohemian rhapsody

Doctor: "I can't figure out what the problem is. It may be due to alcohol."

Patient: "That's alright. I'll come back when you're sober."

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.

**EDIT** Since I've got your attention, does anybody know a site or app where I can play Monopoly online against other people?

I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"

The boss said "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"

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After deliberating for a long time, Kanye finally decided that Kim can no longer get new butt injections.

He's putting a cap on that ass.

Hispanic girls can not be a man's peace. Its literally in their name.

(His)(panic)

Doctor, can I take a bath with diarrhea?

- Well, if you have enough...

Friend: I'm having a rough year. I have to crush cans for a living.

Me: That's Soda Pressing

Hey stepdad, can you tell me how an elevator is different from an escalator?

No stepson

Why can’t girls play hockey?

Because their pads only last one period!

A demon caught three men, an American, an Indian, and a Brit.

The demon said that he is going to eat them. But being in good mood he gave them chance to escape death and go home, should they pass his test: survive three strikes of his whip. He also said that they can wish for any one thing to protect themselves against the whip.

The American gone first....

Why can't real numbers keep a secret?

Because they're not discreet

My sister said she can walk through walls so I called her a liar.

Then I saw her phase, now I'm a believer.

[At parole hearing] Officer: Why should you be released early?

Man: I’m ..

Officer: Go on.

Man: I think...

Officer: Yes?

Man: Can I please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

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