UPJOKE
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What's the oldest you can be to get a circumcision?

I need to know the cutoff date.

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Things you can say during sex and at a funeral. I’ll go first....

Even with all of her health issues, I'm glad grandma was able to come.

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I saw my wife walk past me with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

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A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....

"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"

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Can someone explain to me why bleaching your butthole

isn't called changing your ring tone?

What do you call a woman who can suck a golfball through a garden hose?

Honey, sweetie, pumpkin, baby, whatever it takes

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Something you can say at a drive through window and during sex? Il go first

It’s ok i will come inside..

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

My girlfriend said she’s leaving me because I can’t stop singing “I’m A Believer”

I thought she was joking at first.

And then I saw her face…

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Can everyone in this sub please brighten my day up a bit? My parrot died last night.

His last words were "Oh fuck, I think my parrot is dying!"

Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat?

You just have to turn it upside down to make it cap sized.

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

My car mechanic called me and said, “You can pick up your car by 5 p.m.”

I said, “I don’t think I’ll be strong enough by then.”

A man tells his friend that he has a dog in a suitcase who can play the piano.

The friend says “ok let’s see it”. The man opens the suitcase and sure enough a small dog with a small piano comes out and plays the piano with great skill. As he plays a crowd gathers around to watch. After some time a female dog comes out from the crowd, picks him up by the scruff and carries him ...

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What is something you can say at both a funeral and during sex?

I’m sorry, were you close?

A teacher walks into a bar and says "Can I have a beer"

The barman says "I don't know, CAN YOU?"

«I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with...

No single bird can defeat me.

But Toucan.

You can call a dog a “fur baby” and nothing happens,

but I call OND CHILD a “skin dog” and suddenly I’m the WORST taxidermist in the state.

Finally, a fact both Democrats and Republicans can agree on!

"Anyone with half a brain knows Trump won."

A man answers his door and finds a piano tuner waiting on the step. 'Can I help' says the man 'I haven't ordered a piano tuner'

'I know you haven't' replies the piano tuner 'Your neighbours did for you'

The mind of a fool is immune to change, and who can think it strange? The reasons clear for all to know...

A fool has no mind to change.

A CEO of a company called his secretary (his married mistress) and told her that he wants to go on a trip with her this weekend so they can have some fun

and that she can tell her husband it’s a work trip, so she agreed.

She called her husband and told him that she has a work trip so she won’t spend this weekend with him, he understood.

her husband called his mistress and told her that his wife is out this weekend so she should come bec...

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A white man goes to his Doctor and asks how he can make his penis as large as a black man's penis.

His Doctor tells him to take a 1lb weight and tie a string to it and attach that to the head of his penis. A proven method of stretching the Doc assures him and tells him to report back in a week's time.

Man visits his Doc a week later and the Doc says let us have a look. Guy drops his trou...

What should you do if you can’t afford to fix your A/C?

Start using only fans!

Thanks, I’ll see myself out!

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What do you call someone who can masteurbate to anything?

A "jack-off-all-trades"!

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

How can you tell if someone is vegan?

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you…

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to...

As I was driving home from work last night, I saw a bumper sticker that said "I am a veterinarian, so I can drive like an animal".

Suddenly I realized how many proctologist are on the road.

I said to my gym instructor "can you teach me how to do the splits?" He said "how flexible are you?"

I said "well I can't make Tuesdays".

A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say “it is illegal to insult President Putin”

He says “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting “

The police captain says “you can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is”

Americans are getting stronger; 20 years ago, it took two adults to carry $50 worth of groceries.

Today, a 5 year-old can carry them!

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his cooking pot and his best friend

They're both cauldron

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A final CIA test for three men

An American, a Russian and a Bosnian man get to the final test to be admitted to the CIA. An American enters a room where he sees his wife Jennifer. A voice says: " There is a gun on the table, your last test is to kill your wife, no questions asked." American points the gun, but after a while gives...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

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Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there...

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The girl in the bar didn't believe me when i bragged that my cock can really test her gag reflex..

Back in my place, She immediately puked when she smelled it...

Did you know piranhas can eat up the body entirely upto the bones in 45 seconds ? Me neither.

Anyway, I lost the job at the aquarium.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

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A man asks a Welsh farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

Why can’t you live at the end of the universe?

Not enough space

My friend was bragging his new 3D printer can print a gun.

I wasn’t impressed, I’ve had a Canon printer for years!

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How Many Animals Can You Fit In a Pair of Pantyhose?

An Ass, a Pussy, two calves, ten piggies and god knows how many hares! I heard this joke from my aunt in the 70's. Wondered if it was well known.

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A blind man interviews for a job at a lumber company and the interviewer doubts the man’s abilities. He says, “how could you possibly be qualified for this job?”, to which the man replied, “I can tell any type of wood just by the smell. “

A blind man interviews for a job at a lumber company and the interviewer doubts the man’s abilities. He says, “how could you possibly be qualified for this job?”, to which the man replied, “I can tell any type of wood just by the smell. “
The interviewer doubts this and sets up a test of the m...

A guy goes into a library abd asks the person at the desk, "can you show me where the self-help books are?"

The librarian says, "no."

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant

what do you call a man who can catch 10 fish with 1 worm?

A master-baiter

my wife told me to pick up 6 cans of sprite at the grocery store

When I got back, I realised I picked 7-up

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How can I get in to heaven?

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday

school class.



"NO!" the children all answered.



"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kep...

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Me: So Doc, are you saying that I can jerk off whenever I want?

Doctor: No John, I said you can have a stroke at anytime.

Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo mamma

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London, and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense..!!

Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."

London...

Millennial old folks homes are gonna be awesome!

LAN parties, DnD nights, wheelchair races, having awesome songs from the 2000's as our golden oldies! It'll be great, especially if we can line up our work schedules!

how can you tell who loves you more: your wife or your dog?

Lock them in your car trunk, drive around for an hour or two, open it up and see who is happier to see you.

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Is it true that those who can’t do, teach?

I’m thinking of becoming a sex coach, and it seems like a good fit if it’s true.

I thought about transitioning into a woman

Im not sure i can afford a pay cut at work though

Can you give me a ride to the asian cooking store?

Never mind, I'll just wok.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

I asked my wife, how can we afford to drive when gas costs $500 per gallon?

She told me I was missing the point

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

I get so mad when people sneak up behind me and yell, "LET'S CAN SOME PEACHES !!!"

It's really jarring

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

Some say child birth is the most painful event one can experience.

Maybe because I was too young to remember, but I don’t think it hurt too much.

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.

Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.

Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.

(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee an...

What's something we all want but can never grab?

A mist cake day.
(10 years yesterday, to be exact.)

What is the best age a woman can be dated?

26+ Cause then you don't have to worry about Leonardo DiCaprio stealing your girlfriend.

Did you know cats can jump higher than houses?

It's due to they way their hind legs are built and they can generate so much forced with them and also because house can't jump.

A sports store is showing off their new punching bags by having a contest to see who can hit them the hardest.

While everyone is waiting for their turn, St. Peter turns to a drunk and says, "I think I'm in the wrong joke."

The drunk replies, "Nope. Just the wrong punch line."

What’s something you can say both in an art gallery and on the bed with your partner?

It’s wet right now, please don’t touch

What's the difference between "light" and "hard"?

You can go to sleep with a light on.

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

Teacher : Why can’t Trump go to the white house anymore?

Student: Because it is FOR BIDEN

Two death row inmates who hate each other can be put together in the same cell because

they’ll finish each other’s sentences.

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Did you know that your ass can’t be trusted?

It’s always talking shit behind your back.

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The teacher of little Johnny's class asks the pupils if they can use the word 'beautiful' in a sentence...

A little boy sticks his hand up.
"Yes, Daniel"
"I saw a butterfly on my way to school this morning, and it was beautiful", says Daniel.
"Very good, Daniel", smiles the teacher, "Anybody else?".
Veronica's hand goes up. "I told my mummy last night that she looked beautiful in her new dr...

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the "P" is silent

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A married man keeps telling his wife “ Honey , you have such a

"Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo...

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

Two Irish hunters from Belfast hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two Irishmen objected strongly, stating, "Last year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as you...

What's the cheapest meat you can buy?

Deer Balls. Their under a buck.

What's the worst thing a girl can hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

A woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "I believe I can see into the future"

The shrink asks, "When did this start?"



"Next Tuesday"

If a shark approached you at sea, you can gently push it away only twice,

Once with each hand.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

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Steve with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can’t live with this long penis.

God : Go to that Lake,
You will find a Female Frog. Ask her to marry you,
she’ll say No & you will Lose 5 inch.

Steve Went & asked the Frog : will you marry me?

Frog : No

He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long.

So he asked again : will you...

There’s a place in UK where you can search for lost and found

Its called The British Museum

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

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Can you have sex with a circle?

Fuck a round and find out.

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A monkey is smoking a joint in a tree...

...when a small lizard comes and asks to join it. They get really high and at one point the small lizard says it's thirsty. The monkey tells him that there is a lake nearby and the lizard goes there.

At the lake there is an alligator, he sees the red eyes of the small lizard and says "heeeeyy...

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Beautiful redhead

This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket tow...

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 14th November 2019 at 3.19pm

Man: "Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please"

Waitress: *slaps his face*

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

The Netherlands really has the worst customer service: I went to a restaurant and asked "Can I use the Bathroom?" The owner told me.....

U kunt

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals!

IM LIVID

What kind of tea you can not have in Space ?

Gravity.

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I can do anything better than you

Three Vampires trying to outdo one another. The first went away, come back with blood trickling out the side of his mouth. "I killed the whole family. The 2nd one went and comeback with even more blood. I killed the whole town. 3rd one goes away. Comes back, his whole body is saturated with blood. W...

I went to the store and said to the worker, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." He asked, "Is it for a clock?" I answered...

"I don't know! That's why I need the battery!"

My Husband died. (One for the Ladies.)

After He died, I couldn't even look at another Man for almost 20 years.

But now that I'm out of Prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.

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A shaggy looking old lady goes into her bank and asks the teller...

"Can I please withdraw $10 from my account?" while handing over her debit card.

The teller, annoyed at such a transaction request, rudely tells the old lady "Go to the ATM, stop holding up the line for $10."

The old lady then says "Okay, then I want to withdraw $10k from my account."...

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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She wants to open an account

One day, a raggedy looking woman carrying a large paper bag walks into the bank and asks to see the bank manager.

The receptionist is hesitant, but when she sees the large amount of cash in the bag, she escorts the lady into the manager's office. The raggedy old lady says she'd like to open ...

A homeless man is on the street corner begging for money

A wealthy lawyer walks past him. "Pardon me, sir, but do you have any spare change?"

The lawyer looks annoyed, and turns to him. "No, no I don't. I don't believe in giving handouts to bums. But I tell you what," he said, handing him a business card, "if you come to my house tomorrow morni...

Some word can have multiple meanings

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes ...

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

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A man wakes up in the hospital. An attractive nurse says “you were in a bad accident and you can’t feel anything from the waist down”…

So the man replies, “well then can I feel your tits?”


-Gilbert Gottfried original told on the Doug Loves Movies podcast. RIP Gilbert.

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the dentist and his brother

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of

actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells h...

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A woman was chatting to a police officer.

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something.?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: I think you're a cunt.

Name the kind of tree you can hold in your hand?

A palm tree!

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Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are really good at it.

Why do elephants paint their balls red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75…

…a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but ...

A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book

An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.” Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell did she mean?

How can you tell if someone is a geneticist or kinky?

Ask them what the opposite of “dominant” is.

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(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

What can you say about the haters of Jesus?

I guess they nailed it in the end.

What’s the one gift zoophiles can’t give their significant other of Valentines Day?

Chocolate

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German stop to watch a street performer.

The performer sees them arrive and since they’re at the back of the crowd asks them if they can see properly.

“Yes.”

“Oui.”

“Si.”

“Ja.”

A pregnant woman screams COULDN’T WOULDN’T SHOULDN’T CAN’T…

The Dr said “nothing to worry about, those are contractions”.

They were going to name a street after Chuck Norris…

Then they realized nobody can cross Chuck Norris and live.

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My kid got lice at school, can you believe he got upset when I directed him to r/jokes?

I just know people here are great at going over stuff with a fine toothed comb and nitpicking the shit out of it.

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.


So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?


The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” ...

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Have you heard of “I can’t believe it’s not butter”?

It’s basically the same as butter, but there’s a margarinal difference.

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I just found out you can get Botox for your ballsack to get all the wrinkles out.

Pretty nuts, right?

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the counter and starts getting himself really good and drunk. Like, properly pissed. After a while, he feels a certain heaviness in his colon, so he calls over the bartender.

"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...

Designing bear-proof garbage cans is very hard…

There will always be a significant overlap between the smartest bears, and the dumbest people.

You can joke about anything. You just need the right delivery.

Except abortion jokes, which by definition have no delivery.

On the internet you can be whoever you want,

it’s strange so many people choose to be stupid.

If a single germ can infect over 300 people...

Imagine what a married one could do.

What is soft, squishy, can be stimulated, and typically slightly darker than the rest of the body?

Your pupil.

How is Popeye like canned artichokes?

They both come in Olive Oil!

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My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...

...they *will* see you later!

A weasel walks into a bar. Bartender says “WOW I’ve never served a weasel before what can I get for you?”

“POP” goes the weasel

Can February March?

No, but April May.

The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom...

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My girlfriend just dumped me.

She said in a teary tirade:

“I can’t take your shit any more. You’re such a pedant. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”

She was a...

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I told my wife that I can do whatever I want.

I can go out and drinking with my friends. I can smoke all my favorite cigars and attend all the football and baseball games I want. I can spend the weekend in Vegas with my buds and blow all the money in our account at the casinos.

I felt pretty good about myself, and I started walking out o...

Why can’t fruit get married in Las Vegas

They cantaloupe.

Finally a smart blonde joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.

For example- Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

Now this - Jane ate her friend's colon.

Three men hold a contest in front of a panel of women to see who can pleasure a woman best.

The first man, a body builder, is brought up to the stage and announces that he can deadlift 550lbs and can bench 315lbs. Proving it true, the man completes the lifts with ease. Flexing his muscles in front of the women and winking, he leaves the stage.

The next man, a professional chef, impr...

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

Mastering the art of building the perfect model railway, can be quite tough...

But, with a little train in. You'll soon have the perfect set up

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

Which breed of dogs can jump higher than buildings?

Any dogs, because buildings can't jump.

So... two guys are walking through the desert and they find this deep hole.

The first guy says "That looks like a deep hole."
The second guy says "That looks like a REALLY deep hole. Let's check it out." He picks up a small rock and throws it in. The rock goes Bang bang ^bang .... They agree. It is deep. They pick up a rock the size of a bowling ball and throw it...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money.

He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times ro...

My girlfriend got a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh…

When I hold my ear up to it I can smell the ocean!

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A man is driving down the street one night and sees a nun hitchhiking on the side of the road.

Wanting to do a good deed, he pulls over and offers to pick her up.

Thankful, the nun gladly accepts his ride and tells him where she is heading. This happens to be on the way for him anyway, so even better!

The conversation on the way is a bit stiff at first — you know, not really kno...

Does anyone know how many beans are in 1 can of beans?

Two hundred thirty nine, because one more would be two farty

I've decided to learn jokes in sign language

Then I can guarantee no one's heard them before.

What animal can you never hear coming?

An opossum, the "O" is silent.

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

Dad jokes can make you numb...

Mathematical jokes make you number

Can you take a bath with diarrhea?

If you have enough, yes.

A chemist finds a man leaning against the wall of his shop.

'What's wrong with him?' says the chemist.

His assistant replies, 'He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any, so I gave him laxatives'

'Idiot!' says the chemist. 'You can't treat a cough with laxatives'

'Of course you can' the assistant replies. ' Look at him, he's too...

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Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheesh. I wonder what happened to this poor Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy smokes!" the guy replies. "You ...

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

What’s the worst thing that can happen on Friday?

You realize it’s Thursday.

Perfume and cologne can now be transferred via email.

They go into your scent folder.

Dogs can’t operate MRI machines

But CAT scan

Fun Fact: Spiders can tell the difference between someone blowing on their web and the wind.

But that may just be because the wind isn't warm and sticky...

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