The English language can be weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Cause they're dead.

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

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My wife says if this post gets a 1000 likes, I can get anal on my cake day

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless

My four year old daughter has been learning Spanish now for over a year but she still can’t seem to say “please”

I think that’s poor for four

As a stand-up comic with a lisp, it can be difficult to convey sarcasm online

/th

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read it in one book on page 37, on the 8th line, it was 16:23, Monday, January 4, 2016.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you guys know too much sex can cause memory loss?

I learnt that in a medical journal, page 34. At 3:38pm on Thursday the 7th.

What’s the oldest age someone can get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

I can't believe how everybody's freaking out over that guy stealing Nancy Pelosi's podium.

He was clearly just taking a political stand.

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

How can you tell the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?

By their seasoning.

Can a ninja throw a star?

Shur-he-can

My friend claims he can print a Gun using his 3D Printer. I'm not impressed.

I've had a Canon printer for years.

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"Thanks to the new scale in the bathroom I can finally check how much I poop."

"Oh, I see. So you're weighing yourself before and after and work out the difference."

"Ah. I guess that could work too."

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife, and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,...

A German girl married a Spanish man

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain. She can't speak Spanish. Each time she wants to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt& show her thighs to enable the seller understand her.

This went on for sometime. One day she wanted to buy banana. So She took her husband to...

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A guy walks into a bar with 10 bucks and asks what he can get

The bartender says, "You can get those damn deer the fuck outta my bar!"

TIL that a piranha can devour a whole human child in just under a minute.

Anyways, I lost my job in aquarium.

Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling

Just kidding, I made you smile :)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CAN MODS OF THIS SUB DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO ARE ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING PEOPLE, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 11 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE ...

The fact that some people can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology...

...bugs me in ways I can’t put into words.

My friend Jack can communicate with vegetables.

Jack and the beans talk.

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

Jack Schitt, Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock a...

What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

It's my special day today but I can't think of any good jokes...

It's a shame, I thought it would be a piece of cake.

I've got this problem where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal. I really hope this joke takes off and that it doesn't fly over anyone's head. Otherwise, it would be plane awful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

What do you call an overweight kidney doctor who can also predict the weather?

A meaty-urologist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy finds a super expensive frog at a flea market He asks the salesman why is the frog so expensive. “Because he can give one hell of a blowjob..”

The guy gets intrigued and buys the frog.

Later that night, his wife comes home to see him lying in their bed naked, with the frog on his shoulder, reading a cooking book.

“What the hell is this??”

“Baby, if this frog learns how to cook, you’re outta here!”

Did you know you can't breath when you smile?

Just kidding. Just wanted to make you guys smile :)

How can people claim Walt Disney was anti-Semitic...

...when one of the most famous Disney songs is "When Jewish Upon a Star?"

A drunk man

A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,

"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."

The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."

Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
...

What do you call a dog who can perform magic?

A labracadabrador

What can help strengthen eyes?

Stare-oids

Why can't a nose be twelve inches long?

Because then it would be a foot.

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!



You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes up to the bartender and bets him $50 he can pee in a beer glass from all the way across the bar...

... without getting a SINGLE drop on the bar. The bartender thinks it’s impossible so he takes the bet.

The guy places the glass at one end of the bar & stands at the other. He unzips and starts a’pissin. And it goes AAAAALL over the place, not a single drop even coming close to the glas...

Can anyone recommend a better way to clear the ice from my windscreen?

I tried using my discount card but could only get 20% off!

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

Why can’t we trust atoms ?

Because they make up everything

What can you always assume when buying a used BMW?

The turn signal will always be in brand-new condition.

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad” And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.

- Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.

- No! - exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

- What did you tell him?

- I told him that if he didn't eat his broccoli, hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

TSA stopped me while I was boarding my flight and said “Sir, you can’t bring that crow onto the aircraft.”

I said “Don’t worry. It’s a carrion.”

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

How can you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I can't think until after I ejaculate,"

I came to realize.





*edit:* thank you for the awards! My mom's going to be so proud I got my first ones on a pun about post-nut clarity!

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

It's just two tired

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Told the Dr I just can’t grow any taller

She says I will have to be a little patient.

You can’t lose a homing pigeon.

If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

What’s black with white stripes and can’t fly?

A parking lot.

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Grandpa takes little Johnny fishing one morning. They’re making their way across the lake in grandpas boat and Johnny asks,” hey grandpa, can I drive the boat?”

“Well let me ask you something Johnny, can your pecker touch your rear end?”, “no grandpa.” And that was that.

They reach their fishing hole and cast their lines. After a few minutes grandpa cracks open a beer. “Hey grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?”, “Is your pecker long ...

Where can a leper find his feet?

Where he left them.

Apparently you can’t use ‘beefstew’ as a password

It’s not stroganoff.

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As an asian, I can never masturbate to asian porn.

Because they all look like my sister.

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I entered my son's room and said "remember boy masturbating can make you go blind"

"I'm over he dad" he replied

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

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What is it called when a chameleon can no longer change colors?

A reptile dysfunction.

(NSFW) Why can't vampires accidentally get you pregnant?

A vampire always has to ask to come inside.

You cannot RUN through a campsite, you can only RAN through a campsite.

Because it's past tents

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Watching movies on illegal websites are probably the hottest thing you can do.

I mean, why else would all these horny singles in my area be ready to chat.

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

My biggest talent is that, I can always tell what's in a wrapped box

it's a gift.

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Experience and wisdom can't be beaten

Due to his owner's negligence, an old dog became lost in the deepest jungles of Africa.

Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. ...

What is yellow and can't swim?

A school bus.

I just discovered that I can talk to cats

They probably don't understand me but still

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

Did you know that ants can't contact COVID-19?

Because they have anty bodies.

My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music.

He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'

I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

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A man scores a hot date

Not wanting to disappoint his date in the bedroom, he goes to the doctor to get his penis enlarged.
The doctor says, "we happen to have a new experimental procedure that uses muscle cells from an elephant trunk that should do the trick." To which the man accepts.

Later on, the man and his...

A giraffe can grow up to 18 feet

But they usually only have 4

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating, she said ‘how does the male know when the female is ready for sex ?* *I replied he can smell she is ready that is how nature works.*

*We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the ewe was ready for sex ?*
*I replied 'it’s nature he can smell she is ready'.*
*We then went past a cow-field and the bull was mating the cow; my girlfriend said this is odd th...

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

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Old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist "is there some kind of pill that can help with sex?"

The pharmacist says "Yes, that'd be Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself"

Old guy asks "Can you get it over the counter?"

Pharmacist replies "If I took 2 or 3, probably"

What can a chicken do that a man can’t?

Eat with it’s pecker.

At a job interview."Can you perform under pressure?"

No ,but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody!

r/conservative is furious that their voices are being censored and that people are picking and choosing who can be heard

"This thread is for conservatives only"

“Doctor, I think I have ADHD. I can never remember where I parked my Ford.”

Doctor: That’s not how ADHD works.

Man: But I keep losing my Focus.

I can’t find my vegetables.

Hopefully, they turnip soon.

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it's terminal

Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
...

What do you call a number that can't keep still?

A roamin' numeral.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

What do you call a cow that can't feel pain?

A c

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Can I donate a graft of tissue from my buttocks to another person I'm not related to?

Ass skin for a friend.

No one bird can eat a bowl of fruit loops...

But toucan!

(First post here, hope you like it.)

A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.

He asked me “Ain’t she beautiful?”

I said “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife”

He replied with “ Why, is she a stunner as well?”

I said “ No, she’s an optician”


Credit: not mine but i can’t remember where I saw it

There's nowhere a Dalmatian can hide.

'Cause they're spotted all over!

my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum

Funeral director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"

Me: "ship her home"

Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"

Me: "A long time ago a man wa...

I can always tell if someone is lying, just by looking at them....

I can also tell if they're sitting or standing .

Hit with a can

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

What is long,erect,can be spelled with P,N,E,I,S and once injured,makes you half a man?

SPINE.

What has two arms but can’t reach, two legs but can’t stand, and two eyes but can’t see?

A vegatable

We invented the word. Why can’t we say it?

Worcestershire sauce.

The seven dwarfs have been advised that they can only meet in groups of 6...

One of them isn’t Happy!

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TIL That a Blue Whales Anus Can Stretch to 40 Inches...

This makes it the second biggest asshole on earth, right behind Mitch McConnell.

This guy was claiming that onions are the only food that can make you cry.

So I threw a coconut at his face.

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They say "Those who can't do, teach"

As a redditor, I am fully qualified to teach sex ed

Canadian #1: What can I get for ya there bud?

Canadian #2: Oh I’d like this fancy car please.

Canadian #1: Well how about that, would you like the stock model or can I interest you in some upgrades?

Canadian #2: I’d like all the bells & whistles and upgrades ya got please.

Canadian#1: Well you must be quite wealthy th...

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Why does Melania need to be on top when she and Trump have sex?

Because Trump can only fuck up.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent!

I keep hearing about this great new MCU show featuring what I can only assume are Hispanic superheroes...

but I can't seem to find this *Juan Division* on any streaming service.

So, I asked the blonde waitress, "Can I ask about the menu please?"

She screamed back, "The men I please is none of your business."

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water....

.....you can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.

I've been trying to learn to play solitaire, but I can't finish a single game!

You'd think it would be easier, since my deck is already missing six cards.

You can blow your nose, you can blow your friends

but you can't blow your friend's nose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can I make it appear big?

Plz Bare my grammatical errors, first time posting here and it's translated from Hindi


Akbar: birbal I think I have small dick how can I make it appear big?

Birbal: my lord shave you pubic hair, it tends to appear big and girls like it more that way.

So Akbar shaves his ball...

How can you tell Odin's sons apart?

Thor has long, golden, amazing hair.


His brother is Balder.

I can’t see an end.

I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore.

Definitely time for a new keyboard.

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

Why can’t Mahomes call his momma after the Super Bowl?

No reception

Losing a wife can be hard.

In my case, it was almost impossible.

What is the only sized soft drink you can order in North Korea?

Supreme Liter.

Why can't Lincoln be arrested?

He's in a cent.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Magician: I can make disappear

An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...

He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."

When an interviewer asked me about my biggest strength, I said "I can refuse anyone". He asked if I could explain...

...and I said "No.".

Once a salesperson asked me, " Do you like dark coloured furniture, Can I show you some? "

I said: oaky

How can you tell which of your friends went to Harvard?

Don't worry they'll tell you



this is a super old joke and I'm sorry for repeating it, I just heard someone tell me they went to Harvard

A man finds himself in a house fire that he can't control, so he calls 911 and says...

\- Help me, my house is on fire!

\- Alright, calm down and we'll see if we can help you. Have you tried to do anything to stop it on your own?

\- Yes, I've tried pouring some water on it.

\- Alright, but if that didn't help there's no point for us coming there either. We would h...

Yesterday, I tried to relive the 80s and play some Super Mario Bros. When they say you can never go back, turns out it's true.

Mario just stops at the edge of the screen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.

How can you tell how heavy a chilli pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!

I hate how you can accidentally make a person but can’t accidentally make a pizza.

I mean who decided that, huh?

I have a magic pen that can write any color.

Red, green, blue, yellow, and even words that aren’t colors.

I was looking for a sofa to buy, and the salesman pointed to one and said, “This one can seat three people without any problems.”

I said, “Where the hell am I going to find three people without any problems?”

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

Why can’t you prosecute unleavened bread?

Because there’s no proof

What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?

A Mute-ation

My son came to me & said: 'Can I have a book mark?'

14 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Jeff

How can you tell if someone is turning into a Canadian?

You have to test them because, they may be eh symptomatic.

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Guy: *lifts gallon* Yeah it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

My wife is fed up with my constant stream of jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!" I chuckled...

"No it doesn't!"

A young programmer and his Project Manager board a train, headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats, right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from t...

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor(this is a joke in my native language idk how good it can be translated)

Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor.

At the 25th floor:
1st guy: T..th...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive

At the 50th floor:
1st guy:T..thi...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive we dont have time

At the 100th floor:
2nd guy: So what did u want to tell me?
1...

I hate my job. All I do is crush cans all day. It's just...

...Soda pressing.

A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and wit...

Can't believe the film Groundhog Day came out 26 years ago....

It feels like yesterday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the worst thing Willie Nelson can say to you after you sleep with him?

I'm not Willy Nelson.

Can you out Pizza the Hut?

Yes, but only by Dominos effect

(Sorry for the horrendous pun)

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You can't take it with you

A wealthy man is on his deathbed. He tells his wife he thinks he has found a way to take his money with him when he dies. He asks her to put some money in a large suitcase and place it in the attic. When his soul leaves his body he'll grab the suitcase on his way to heaven. The wife obliges and does...

Yesterday that guy screamed at me "Stay RIGHT THERE, PUT THOSE HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM! DON't MovE!"

That pizza delivery guy took this distant payment thing very seriously

name two structures that can hold water?

well damn

You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's law? It's...

shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.

Can I have Reptile Assitance?

A: what?

B: you know, reptile assistance.

A: what are you talking about?

B: Reptile assistance. you know, crocodile help

A: WHAT!?

B:...

A:...

B: can I have a Gatorade?

A: \*flips table\*

There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism.

But I'm not buying it.

A short nap once in awhile can prevent old age

Especially while driving

Why can't you trust the Russian press?

Because they have no definite articles.

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Can I have a free drink if I show you something amazing?"

The bartender agrees so he pulls out a tiny piano, a frog and a hamster. The hamster starts playing the piano and the frog starts singing Adele. As the bartender gets him his drink a punter asks him "how much for the singing frog?" The man replies "I'll sell him for £100 if you want?" And the punter...

How can you tell if a joke is not a repost?

It’s not funny.

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

"How can you call me a slag?" Yelled my girlfriend during a fight. "I've only slept with seven men."

"Look, can we finish this when they've gone?"

I’m playing a videogame where my character is a ghost. The only path I can find leads to a dead end wall. What should I do?

Walkthrough

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest $50 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs

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‘“Definitely’ is the word of the day class, we’re going to go around the room and see who can use the word definitely in a sentence.” Several kids raise their hands, one of which is dirty Johnny, he’s waving his hand and can’t set still... “ok, let’s try Amy, use the word definitely in a sentence.”

“The sky is definitely blue”, she says. The teacher says,”very good, the sky is definitely blue.” Ok, how about you Thomas?” Dirty Johnny can barely contain himself, writhing in in his desk, arm up in the air.... “rainbows are definitely beautiful”, says Thomas, “very good Thomas, rainbows are defin...

Who can drink an entire gallon and gasoline and survive another day?

Jerry Can.

"Bet you can't chug that entire beer can"

"Hold my beer"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nsfw My wife said we can do anal for Valentines Day

It made my day but made her hole weak!

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