How can you tell good cops from bad cops?

Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't?

Stop school shootings

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" and I thought to myself...

that's just spam.

You can tell Monopoly is an old game...

...because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?

North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.

So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?

But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate

If you can’t come let me know

I can't believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts...

Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit **too** seriously?

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.

I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

How can you get the attention of a pervert?

Mark the post with an NSFW tag

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: *slaps me right across the face*

"The men I please are none of your damn business!"

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

**Wife:** whatever means necessary.

**Me:** No it doesn't.

Q: Why can't a blind guy see his friends?

A: Because he's married.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I really hope coronavirus can't spread through sex

It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can you only get castrated once ?

Because you don’t have the balls to do it a second time.

Why can’t Severus Snape be a herbology teacher?

He can’t keep the lilies alive.

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?

No sun.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?

They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.

I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it.

It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."

Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"

Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Why can’t T-rexes clap?

Cause they’re extinct

Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.

That would cause mass confusion.

Why was my post removed

Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed?

I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.

They want us to get vaccinated so they can inject us with microchips and track us anywhere.

-Sent from my iPhone

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

I have a pen that can write underwater.

It can also write other words too.

How can you tell female ants from male ants?

They're all females, otherwise they'd be called uncles

how can you find will smith in the snow?

look for fresh prints

What do you call a C₆H₁₂O₆ molecule that can use its right and left hands equally well?

Ambidextrose

My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.



The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...

You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.

Of course you can I just wanted you to smile!

The W.H.O officially announced that dogs cannot get infected by the Coronavirus. Therefore, dogs can basically leave quarantine.

So, i guess you could say.... W.H.O let the dogs out.

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt....

I just got hit in the head with a can of Pepsi

Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.

Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey."

So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael.

Some time later, Sister Patrick...

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

Why can't ants catch Covid-19?

Because they have tiny anty-bodies

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

Why can you never trust African cats?

Because they're all either lion or cheetahs.

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

Me: “Dude, I can’t believe that 2017 was 7 years ago.”

Friend:”What do you mean, 7 years ago is like 2013..”

Me:”That’s why I ain’t believing it.”

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

A teacher told the students, "The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early."

Suddenly, a pen came flying across to room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.

"Who threw that?!" the teacher shouted angrily.

"Me!" piped up a voice from the ba...

Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".

A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".

Don't let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do.

Look at Beethoven. Everyone told him he'll never be a musician because he was deaf.

But did he listen?

‌‌I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌. ‌‌I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I can’‌‌t driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks up to his father and asks, “Dad, can you tell me a joke?”

The father replies, “Sure son, are you ready?”

The man nods.

“Pussy.” Says the dad.

“I don’t get it dad.”

“I know you don’t son.”

Watching American news lately fills me with overwhelming patriotism.

Because I'm Canadian.

Not many people can brag about getting a handjob from the barber after a haircut

but then again not many people cut their own hair.



Ba dum tiss.

I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once

It’s a four loaf cleaver

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner

She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor, I can 't stop singing "What's New, Pussycat."

Hmm...I'll run some tests, but it's probably Tom Jones syndrome.

\--Is that common?

Well, it's not unusual.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

I have a boomerang joke I can’t think of it though it might come back to me

All I remember is that it went over people’s heads

I can’t believe that there’s people that don’t eat the crust.

Like wtf it’s part of the food, it’s fantastic even if it doesn’t taste the same a the rest of the watermelon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are two things that you can see in the photo op at St John's church?

One is a glorified tool that is no longer relevant, but still widely used by radical christians to persecute homosexuals, degrade women, prohibit freedom, and rationalize war on non-believers.

The other is the bible.

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

Can anyone tell me who played forest gump in the movie??

T.hanks

What’s one thing you can say to your dog and your bf

cum

Why can't you starve in the desert?!

because of the sand which is in it.

You can never really love Russian dolls.

They're just so full of themselves.

Can't believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick

How low can ya go

A police officer said he can’t be racist...

Because his wife’s eye is black.



P.S. Sorry, it’s part of my job to make fun of cops.

The price of your average meat pie in Nicaragua, Panama, Dominica and Cubais $3. In Mexico, Honduras, Jamaica and Bahamas it lies around $2.79, and the cheapest at $1.79 can be found in Granada and Guatemala.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

How can you get paid to do nothing?

Change your last name to kardashian.

What’s the one thing snipers can’t tell their wives?

I missed you this morning.

I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office

“Can I help you?” He asked.

“I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied.

“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”

“The light was on.”

Can someone please clap?

That way I'm not the only one touching themselves tonight

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors

.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front o...

What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?

A labracadabrador

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prison.

What rock group has 4 members that can't sing?

Mount Rushmore

There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ

It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.

I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him

Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog

Why can't Italian snakes talk?

They don't have hands.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

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Can you imagine the headlines if Bruce Willis dies from a viagra overdose.

Bruce Willis dies hard.

I can’t believe it’s riot season already

I still have my Covid decorations up

Whenever I hire people, I throw half of the applications in the trash can.

I don't want any unlucky people working for me.

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As more stores reopen, can we start being assholes to retail workers again?

Because the guy who bagged my groceries at the self checkout yesterday was a complete moron and needed to hear it.

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Teacher: Who can say a sentence with the word "beautiful" in it?

Susie: My mom plays the piano beautifully.

Teacher: No, I said beautiful!

Naomi: My mom smiles beautifully!

Teacher: No, I said beautiful! Who else can try? Little Johnny raised his hand.

Little Johnny: Yesterday my sister came home and told my dad that she was pregnant. ...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

Can you tell me the name of an African country?

I don't know... Can ya?

Yeah, that's one

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With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

My partner and I can never agree on vacations.

I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.

With bars reopening, exotic dancers can once again bring home the bacon...

...but only one strip at a time.

Who can drink a gallon of gasoline and live?

Jerry can

TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"

It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's it called when a teenager going through puberty, can't stop looking at breasts

An eye-dem-titty crisis

i can`t see

A man goes to his doctor and says, “Please help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is really worsening.” The doctor asks the man to come and look out of the window. “Tell me what you see there,” says the doctor and points. "I see the Sun," answer the man. The doctor turns to him and asks, “Sweet Jesus,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't T-Rex ejaculate?

unreachable assets

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Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

Let's fuck grandma.

Let's fuck, grandma.

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What has two butts and can kill people?

An Assassin

A little boy named Johnny was told by his classmate that all adults have a deep dark secret, and can easily be manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it out, and when he came home, he walked up to his mother and said

“Mom, I know everything” his mom shushes him, gives him $10, and says “just don’t tell your dad”

Johnny does it again, but this time with his dad.

“Dad, I know everything” the dad shushes ...

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I was eating someone out yesterday when I thought "Hang on, can I taste horse cock?"

And then I thought to myself

"Oh Grandma, that must have been how you died!"

You can’t drink out of a toilet for two reasons:

Number one

Number two

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Unknown author so can't give credit, still pretty damn funny

**Scientist: Dick Bug**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Penis Beetle**

Other Scientist: no

**Scientist: Cock Roach**

Other Scientist: fine whatever

My wife once told me I can’t build a car out of pasta.

You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

English can be weird ...

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though

Dear god,when people were saying 2020 can't get any worse

It wasn't a challenge.

I can never come up with shower thoughts....

As soon as the water hits me, I feel the pressure.

I saw a bumper sticker saying “I am a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal”

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

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What's something you can say before sex and after the death of someone?

it's gonna get hard trust me

I can get laid any time I want.

Of course, that's one of the perks of being a coroner.

Can trees walk?

No. They lumber.

A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”

I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're...

There so stupid!

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," says his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

You can borrow any movie from my movie collection except for one

never gonna give you Up

What do you call a wizard that can turn himself into a golf club?

Harry Putter

What type of bagels can fly?

Plane bagels

Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Ronald Reagan this November.

Oh sorry, I meant Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Joe Biden this November.

I’m writing a novel about a guy that can kill with words

Working title “Death Sentence”

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A woman walks into a doctor's office and takes off her shirt and bra, revealing an H-shaped rash. "Can you fix this rash?" asked the woman.

"Where did you get this rash?" asked the doctor. "My boyfriend is such a proud Harvard graduate, he insists on wearing his Harvard shirt when we have sex."

The doctor gives the woman a prescription for her rash, and the woman leaves.

Then another woman walks into the office and takes...

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

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I was reading some life hacks to my wife, one of them was: If you can do something in less than five minutes, don't postpone it.

Without missing a bit she replied: That was a nice try right there, wise ass.

How many Florida men do you need before you can make change for a dollar?

You can't. Nobody in Florida has any cents.

Why can’t bicycles stand up on their own?

They are two tired.

Can anyone tell me the definition of a Will?

Cmon guys it's a dead giveaway

How can you tell if someone is from New York City?

Don’t worry, they’ll tell you within the first few minutes of meeting them.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

I can't believe the vulgar language kids are using on Xbox Live.

Do they kiss my mother with that mouth?

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A man goes to see a sex therapist

"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"

"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.

The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.

"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie jus...

fun fact : you can't pronounce "O" while biting your lower lip

again, louder baby

It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona

Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.

This will make sure that

a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.

b) nobody will shake hands with you.

c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.

d) You will wash your hands thor...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

For the first time in my life, I can’t go for a holiday because of COVID-19

Previously, it was because I couldn’t afford it

A man walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "I'll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke."

Guy says "Ok, so, a man walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says 'I'll give you a drink if you can tell me a meta joke.' Guy says 'Ok, so, a guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. So the bartender gives him a drink.' So the bartender gives him a drink." So the bartender gives hi...

Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old. Well.... You'll Love This One.

My Name Is Alice Smith, And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist.

I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name. Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 30-odd Years Ago. ...

Can one bird screw in a lightbulb?

No, but toucan!

Why can't fortune tellers have children

They have glass balls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife recently pointed out to me all the weight I’ve gained. She like “you can’t even see your penis anymore”

I’m like “thats not true, I caught a glans the other day.”

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they...

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!

I was just sitting around, doing nothing!

You can’t plant flowers...

...if you haven’t botany.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

There are two types of people. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

and those who know that extrapolation can be inaccurate and you run the risk of over-fitting

‌‌A woma‌‌n stoppe‌‌d by‌‌, unannounced‌‌, a‌‌t he‌‌r son'‌‌s house‌‌. Sh‌‌e knocke‌‌d o‌‌n th‌‌e doo‌‌r the‌‌n immediatel‌‌y walke‌‌d in.

Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s shocke‌‌d t‌‌o se‌‌e he‌‌r daughter-in-la‌‌w lyin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e couch‌‌, totall‌‌y naked‌‌. Sof‌‌t musi‌‌c wa‌‌s playing‌‌, an‌‌d th‌‌e arom‌‌a o‌‌f perfum‌‌e fille‌‌d th‌‌e room‌‌. "Wha‌‌t ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?!‌‌", sh‌‌e asked.

"I'‌‌m waitin‌‌g fo‌‌r Mik‌‌e t‌‌o com‌‌e hom‌‌e fro‌‌...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Regular sex can make your day.

But anal sex can make your hole weak.

Why can't pencils move?

Because they are stationery

I am not sorry

I will be glad if I make at least a few people smile

How can someone get some sweet Reddit karma when they dont deserve it?

Piece of cake

How can you estimate the number of dogs in the world accurately?

You can't. You have to do it Ruffly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

The MC at an Irish wedding made a toast. "Can all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their lives meaningful".

...The bartender was subsequently crushed to death.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you?

It's said to have a very low margarine of error.

Can anyone tell me if Jesus saw his shadow this morning?

I need to know if we'll get another 6 weeks of quarantine

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

How many times can you subtract 10 from 100?

Once. The next time you would be subtracting 10 from 90.


I’m hanging with a family member in the hospital right now. I need some good jokes to keep spirits up and keep patients mind off the pain! Please help me out!

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