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Can Jokes

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker?

They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't?

Stop school shootings

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can you say to a dentist that you can also say to a prostitute?

Give me oral, B!

What can Jello do that you can't?

Come in 22 delicious flavors

Name one superhero that can beat Captain America...

Captain Vietnam

Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can you say both during sex and at a funeral?

I thought he'd last longer

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

How can you tell who owns bitcoin at a party?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prison.

Where can you still get gas for $1.39?

Taco Bell

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage

I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.”

English can be weird.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

It can get hairy.

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things you can say during sex and at a funeral. I’ll go first....

Even with all of her health issues, I'm glad grandma was able to come.

Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling

Just kidding, I made you smile :)

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss.

I read it on page 14 in a medical journal on the 14th November 2019 at 3.19pm

The Doctor tells me I can play with myself whenever I like

My wife tells me that's not what 'You could have a stroke at any moment ' means

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Can your dick touch your asshole?

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole ?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough t...

Viruses can mutate over time. Take Covid for example...

It started as a pandemic illness and turned into an IQ test.

Andrew Tate says his Romanian jail is infested with lice. "Can you imagine sharing a cell with vile parasites?"

Say the lice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said if this gets 100 upvotes we can try anal

Please, stop upvoting! Her cock is huge!

How can you tell the difference between a nerd and someone with a BDSM fettish?

Ask them what a dungeon master is

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

What organ can expand to 10 times it's size...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student

Little Mary stood up and said, "You shoul...

Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What can you say at dinner and also during sex?

In ‘n Out or Five Guys?

Alligators can live up to 100 years...

Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's something you can say in church and while having sex?

I come in the name of the Lord.

Can a woman make her husband a millionaire?

Of course, if he’s a billionaire.

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the military is?

Every time I ask someone they say “it’s private.”

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

A Republican Senator and a Democratic Senator are drowning and you can only save one. Do you...

A: Have lunch.

B: Browse reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst thing you can say during sex?

Awww, and to think, in just six hours you'll have been cremated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can I smell your pussy?

Oh well then it must be your feet.

Sorry for such a crude joke but this was my dad's favorite joke and he passed this morning. I hope you guys get a laugh or two it's what he would have wanted.

Edit: My dad would always tell me things I should post/comment on Reddit. It was our little ...

Why can’t Lebron James stand on his tippy toes?

He gets no support from his Cavs

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Boooooooobs!



You’re welcome.

Happy Halloween everybody!

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

Comas can really change the meaning of a sentence...

For instance:
"Ben is in a hurry."
"Ben is in a coma."

"Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?"

Waitress: (slaps me across the face) The men I please are none of your damn business

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

Dad can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is

No sun

A colon in a sentence can make a huge difference

For example:

Johnny ate his own lunch after school.

Johnny ate his own colon after school.

Amazing how a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence

For example:

-Jane ate her friend's sandwich.

-Jane ate her friend's colon.

How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized."

What's the oldest you can be to get a circumcision?

I need to know the cutoff date.

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant

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Steve with 25 inch Long penis to God : I can’t live with this long penis.

God : Go to that Lake,
You will find a Female Frog. Ask her to marry you,
she’ll say No & you will Lose 5 inch.

Steve Went & asked the Frog : will you marry me?

Frog : No

He Lost 5 inches.

He thought 20 inch is still Long.

So he asked again : will you...

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."

Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"

Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

My friend was bragging his new 3D printer can print a gun.

I wasn’t impressed, I’ve had a Canon printer for years!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s something you can hear in both a doctor’s office and during sex?

You might feel a little prick.

You can tell that Wolverine is a Canadian character written by an American

His superpower is healthcare

TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than mount Everest

Kinda obvious. Considering mount Everest can't fly

My annual cake day joke repost - how can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw my wife walk past me with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

You can tell Monopoly is an old game...

...because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

I can sympathize with batteries.

I never get included in anything either.

What starts with P ends in S, and no woman can get enough of?

Pockets!

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

Did you know that 20 pirahnas can demolish a small child down to the bone in under 30 seconds?

In other news, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

(My nephew told me this joke yesterday, totally deadpan! Thought it was worth sharing!)

You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles.

If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl.

It's 14.

Mom can I get a motorcycle?

Do you remember what happened to your uncle Louie?

That horrible, awful accident that killed him…

So you don’t want me to buy a motorcycle?



No, you can have his

Can we ban "yo momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times..

Just like yo mamma

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

No single bird can defeat me.

But Toucan.

Can February March?

No, but April May.

I can’t believe I just got sacked from the keyboard factory

They said I wasn’t putting enough shifts in

The use of a colon can really change the intended meaning of a sentence.

Jimmy went to school and ate his lunch

becomes

Jimmy went to school and ate his colon.

Hippos can swim and run faster than humans. What does this mean?

The bycicle is the only way to beat then in a triathlon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....

"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"

How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I look at my gf’s ass like a homeless man looks at a trash can

Like it’s my next meal

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A teenage girl goes to her dad and asks if she can borrow

his Porsche for the night. Her dad says:"no", but she begs and begs and he comes up with a solution. He says: "Tell you what, you give me a blow job and the car is yours for the night". She is taken aback but finally decides that she will look so cool and her friends will be so envious and agrees. S...

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate

And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

Librarian: Can I help you?

Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Dave: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with 10 bucks and asks what he can get

The bartender says, "You can get those damn deer the fuck outta my bar!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW Can your dick touch your asshole?

One day, a young boy saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. The young boy asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said the boy. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, the boy saw his gra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Things have been going great since my doctor told me I can masturbate whenever I want.

His email said I could have a stroke at anytime.

How can you tell if someone is a geneticist or kinky?

Ask them what the opposite of “dominant” is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me.

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction!

After months of scrimping and bargain-hunting, a woman begged her husband for more money. “Can’t you just give me an extra ten dollars so I can buy a roast?”

Her husband pulled a ten-dollar bill from his wallet and held it up to a mirror. “See the money in the mirror? That’s yours.”

He put it back in his wallet and said, “THIS is mine.”

The next evening when he got home, the dinner table was filled with steak, ham, a huge roast chicken, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

They say Prince Andrew can get off on a legal technicality

Is there anything this guy doesn't find arousing?

What do you call something you can serve but can't eat?

A volleyball.

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Can someone explain to me why bleaching your butthole

isn't called changing your ring tone?

“Can you please change my grade?”

“Of course,” Tom remarked.

A coma in a sentence can make a huge difference

For instance,

“Let’s eat, Bob.”

has a completely different meaning from

“Bob is in a coma.”

Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet?

Most only have 4

Can’t believe what I saw in McDonald’s today.

An old man placed an order for one hamburger , French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half , placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries , dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women can be sexist too

It's just that men are better at it like everything else.

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What are the 3 best things you can say during sex and a soccer match?

"Has to be the quickest finish ever."

"He pulled it out at the last moment! What a save!"

"I think the grass is a little bit too long."

How can you differentiate male ants from female ants?

They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class...

English can be a silly language...

The European Union commissioners have announced that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications (rather than German, which was the other possibility).

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everybody knows there are words only black people can say, but what can only white people say?

"Thanks for the warning, officer."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you have sex with a circle?

Fuck a round and find out.

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and ...

Everyone’s heard of Cunningham’s Law - “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?

It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kiss can make your day

But anal will make your hole weak

How can you donate money to Taliban?

Just pay your taxes in United States

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

You can paint a thousand paintings and not be called an artist...

You can run a thousand marathons and not be called an athlete...

You can cook a thousand meals and not be called a chef.

But as soon as you kill ONE PERSON...

I said to my wife, “I can’t think of a four letter word that means identical.”

Her: Same.

Me: Maybe we should get a thesaurus?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who get offended when I breastfeed in public can just fuck off.

What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dyslexic son asked his mum if he can have some McDonald’s for dinner.

He’s mum said ok, but only if he can spell out McDonald’s.
The son replied: Fuck it, I’ll just have some KCF!

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

My buddies always ask me how I can get fat girls to bed so quick.

I tell them t’s easy, just a piece of cake

What do you call an Irish gunslinger who can kill 5 men with 1 bullet?

Rick O'shea

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

Why can a 747 never crash?

When it hits the ground it goes 'boeing'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Each year I eagerly anticipate this day so I can share my favorite Dad Joke of all time:

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This wo...

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A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. ...

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

A woman in labor suddenly shouted out “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry”, the doctor said, “Those are just the contractions”

Commas can change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:

I like to eat apples. ---> I like to eat commas.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Us men can be great at multi-tasking too!

Ever tried jerking off, watching porn and keeping an eye on the door for intruders at the same time?

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can everyone in this sub please brighten my day up a bit? My parrot died last night.

His last words were "Oh fuck, I think my parrot is dying!"

What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they’re under a buck...

(Told to me by my 12yo son)

My wife explained, "You need to do more chores around the house." I moaned, "Can we change the subject?" She smiled and said...

"Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"





Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."





Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."





Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"





Aga...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can tell just by the shoes a woman wears if I'm going to fuck her or not.

If she's wearing 3" heels or higher, I'm definitely going to be fucking her.

If she's wearing nice comfy running shoes, I'm probably not going to be able to catch her.

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

You can say what you want about necrophiliac morticians

but at least they work hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think there is a reason I can’t find my girlfriends Clitoris

But I just can’t put my finger on it.

What colour can unlock a car?

Khaki

What is the worst thing you can say when someone points a gun at you?

Oh, Shoot!

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