A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years lat...

A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.

The bartender asks: “What can I get you?”
The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”

A bunch of inmates have been in the same cells for years

A newcomer is escorted to a cell by three heavily armed guards. As his eyes adjust to the darkness, he notices he has a cellmate. All of a sudden, someone shouts, "71!" Everybody in the prison starts cracking up.

The newcomer asks his cellmate why they were all laughing. He responds, "After a...

As I stood before the airline ticket agent, I said "I want to buy a ticket to London. But I want one bag to go to Tokyo and the other to Moscow."

"Sir, we can't do that," the ticket agent exclaimed.

"Why not?" I asked. "You did it to me last time I flew with you."

You can't breathe through your nose while smiling.

Ofcourse you can, I just wanted to make you smile.

A guy goes to his doctor for elbow pain...

The doctor gives him a specimen cup and requests a urine sample. “But doc, I’ve got elbow pain, why do you need a urine sample?”
Doc assures him,”we have the latest in technology, just go to the men’s room and give me a sample”, which he does. The doctor pours it in the top of a complex analysis ...

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My crush just messaged me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

I ate four cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

Then I had probably the biggest vowel movement ever.

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Guy walks into a bar

Sits down and asks the bartender for a rum and coke the bartender says ok and gives him an apple the man obviously confused looks at the bartender and says what the fuck is this I ordered a drink not an apple the bartender says just try it so he takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise it t...

A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar

The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"

There is no incest in Alabama!

You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister, or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

What do you call a pachyderm who can't contribute anything meaningful to the conversation?

**Irrelephant.**

I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul.

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array...

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

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Therapist: It seems like you have acute marriage phobia. Do you know the symptoms?

Man: Can’t say that I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick.

How low can some people go?

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.

You can hide, but you can’t run.

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

My teenage daughter is really acting odd..

She can’t even

“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

Waitress: [slaps me a good one across the face] ...“The men I please are none of your damn business!”

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

Request Joke

I am paralysed and in a wheelchair. I can walk a bit. What are some good or dark jokes I can use?

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

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What's something you can say during sex or at a funeral?

I'm sorry. Were you close?

What’s it called when a chameleon can’t change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction!

When people say they can’t even...

I find it pretty odd

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”

I was at a job interview and was asked if i can perform under pressure.

I said im not very familiar with the lyrics, but i would certainly have a go at doing bohemian rhapsody

An elderly woman is arrested for stealing a can of peaches and is brought before the judge.

The judge asks: "How many peaches were in the can?"

The elderly woman replied: "Six, Your Honor."

Judge: "In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach."

Her husband raises his hand and says:

"Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

Why is dark spelled with a K, not a C?

Because you can't c in the dark.

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

Astronaut:"In space no one can. Here, use cream."

What’s the difference between a piano, a can of tuna, and glue?

You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna

I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"

The boss said "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

If a person can speak two languages they’re bilingual, if they can only speak one...

They’re from the US

Can you spell “Yo”?

Why? Oh.

A guy is about to get married the next day when his bride’s sister offers an interesting proposition....

As he’s sitting on the couch, she confesses she has had a crush on him for a long time, and wants one time with him—no one will ever know.

She says “Don’t answer now. If you’re interested come upstairs to my room. If not, you can leave or whatever, no problem.”

She goes upstairs and h...

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I call my penis 'The Truth'.

Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.

Do you know where I can rent a church singing group?

Sir,do you mean a choir?

Fine,yes,do you know how much it is to aquire a church singing group?

Can a ninja kill someone with a throwing star?

Shuriken.

A man walked into a bar. He sat down and asked the bar tender "If I impress you, can I have a free drink?". The bar tender said sure, so the man reached in his pocket and pulled out a tiny piano. He then pulled out a small rat and set it by the piano. It crawled on to the bench and began playing

music. The bar tender was amazed, so he gave the man a beer. Next, the man said "If I impress you even more, can I have free drinks for life?". The bar tender didn't think it was possible, so he agreed. The man pulled a frog out of his pocket, and it began to sing by the piano. The bar tender smiled...

A woman’s on vacation and calls home

She asks her husband, "How’s my cat doing?"

The husband says, "The cat’s dead."

The woman’s upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t ge...

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A man asked his wife if she can make him something to eat.

And she replied "Do I look like a fucking cook to you?".

A little later he asked if she has washed his favorite shirt.

She replied "Do I look like a fucking maid to you?"

Some time later the wife left and came home after a few hours. She was surprised to see a beautiful dinner ...

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

Why can't a bicycle stand on it's own?

Cause it's two tired.

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My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

I have a pen that can write underwater!

It can also write other words too

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

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When is the only time a guy can multi task?

When he's watching porn, masturbating, and keeping an eye on the door at the same time!

Homie: Can you do an “s” in Morse Code?

Me: ...

What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they’re under a buck...

(Told to me by my 12yo son)

Hippopotamuses can outrun a human on land or in the water.

So if you’re in a triathlon against a hippo, you really have to make up time in the bicycle portion.

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”

“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.

Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone starts living a bett...

Do you know why dogs lick their genitals?

Because they can.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee?

Because they're dead

I can't stand idiots that don't know the difference between to and too.

There so stupid.

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss

I read it on page 37 in a medical journal

In november 2006 at 4:19 pm

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory…

All I did was take a day off!

I can always tell if someone is lying just by looking at them.

I can also tell if they’re standing.

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Someone once told me that male cows can't poop...

I thought about it for a second before I realized; that's just bullshit

Three men go to hell

Three men go to hell and the Devil offers them all a second chance on earth as long as they can out smart him. The first man steps up and says "I'm gonna melt this block of cheese and I bet you can't put it back together." The man melts the cheese and the Devil puts his hands over it, turning it bac...

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

Why can’t a T-Rex clap its hands?

They’re extinct

How can you tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?

GIVE IT A WEIGH, GIVE IT A WEIGH, GIVE IT A WEIGH NOW

How can you tell whether an ant is a boy or girl?

Put the ant in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats, buoyant!

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