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Coming Jokes

Reviews for Hogwarts Legacy are coming in.

Most reviewers are giving it a 9 3/4 depending on the platform.

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it befo...

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

Judas: Hey Jesus, you coming to the last supper?

Jesus: the what?

Judas: the supper…I mean are you coming to the supper?

Boss: this is your third day coming in late this week. Do you know what that means?

Employee: it means today is Wednesday

I came home from the bar the last night and was met by my wife asking, " WHAT DO YOU MEAN COMING HOME HALF DRUNK?!?!"

I said, "I ran out of money!"

The Tetris movie is finally coming out in 2023 after numerous delays.

Every time they finished a line in the script, it disappeared.

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice ...

There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're sti...

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later

I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"

My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

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Coming Out

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot of whiskey. The bartender knows this man only drinks whiskey when he's upset.

"Something wrong?" the bartender asks.

"I just found out my son is gay," the man replies.

The next day, the same man comes in and orders two shots of whiskey....

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Saw my doctor today and showed him the bleeding coming out of my ass.

He completely ignored me, and carried on pushing his shopping basket in Walmart

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A pervert watched a bunch of numbers have an orgy through a window

Some were 69ing, 7 ate 9's ass, you get the picture.

After a while they started to cum in descending order (20, 19, 18, etc.) until 2 came and saw the perv in the window. He got scared and ran away, never looking back.

He never saw that one coming.

Girl: “Come over”

Guy: “I’m coming over”

Girl: “We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.”

As 2022 is coming to a close, let me sum it up for you all in one word.

Six.

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A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once ...

A mama pickle was walking past her son’s room when she heard some thumping coming from inside.

She banged on the door and yelled “Quit gherkin off in there!”

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”.

I saw it coming from a kilometre away.

The Lord said to John: “Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life!”

John ended up coming fifth…

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Coming, ready or not!

A great way to start hide and seek.

A terrible way to finish sex.

Netflix is coming up with a new series about Abraham Lincoln.

The finale…will be shot before a live audience.

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X. Shes not coming back.

...and we don't know Y either.

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A man applies for a government job

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.

”Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer ...

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

"I know where babies come from."

After coming home from school and sitting down on the couch, young Jenny proudly proclaimed "Mommy, I know where babies come from!"

Imagining storks and unicorns, her Mom said "OK, then why don't you tell me Honey."

Jenny says "The Mommy and Daddy take off their clothes and start huggi...

Honda is coming out with the 1st electric vehicle with wireless charging

It’s called the Honda Accordless

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming.

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It's a little known fact that most vacuums are gay

They're always coming out of the closet

The holidays are coming up, and I've set a New Years resolution for myself

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

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A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I have a problem"

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday, and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need three Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says "You know, taking Viagra three nights in a row can be very dangerous. I will give them to you on the condi...

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How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

The Martians have landed on Earth, and in meeting the world leaders, they have an audience with the Pope.

The Pope looks at them and asks, "Do you know Jesus?"

The Martian replies, "Oh, Jesus? Great guy! He comes and visits our planet twice every year!"

The Pope is astonished! It's been close to 2000 years since he was here and we're still waiting on his second coming."

The Martian ...

A man crashes his car next to a monastery...

The monks help him to fix his car but it'll take at least a day, so he's offered to stay for the night in a good warm bed and with good warm food.

During the night, he can hear strange noises coming from the caves, loud enough to wake him up. He asks the nearby monks what those noises are, bu...

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

I was walking past a mental asylum and heard chanting coming from behind the fence.

I stopped to listen and they were chanting "eight, eight, eight eight".

I found a hole in the fence to see through and a finger poked me right in the eye.

Then they began chanting "nine, nine, nine, nine".

This order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art....

Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.


Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very...

Reports are coming in that Boy George has been attacked by a reptile on the set of I'm a Celebrity.

They should have got a calmer Chameleon, but apparently, they come and go.

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

Three men die and are standing at the pearly gates in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells them, "To gain entry into heaven, you must tell me how you died."

The first man steps forward and says "Well, I got off work early today, and came home to my 10th floor apartment. Walked in, and found ...

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Did you know Jesus only had one orgasm his entire life?

We're still waiting for the second coming.

Drunk: "Hey, Louie! The cat that's coming in the window only has one eye!"

Louie: "The cat's leaving."

Winter is Coming...

I just saw 2 meth heads carry a space heater out of a pawn shop.

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Action

The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. Th...

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