I've just discovered that I have a logic fetish.

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping, I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

The...

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

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What did the porn star say to her coworker, The Invisible Man?

"Well... I did not see that coming."

sorry if it's a repost, but I've never seen it and I gave myself a chuckle coming up with it.

Anybody know where to buy camoflage condoms?

I don't want her to know when I'm coming.

A man gets pulled over by the cops...

PO: "Sir, i see here on your license it requires you to be wearing prescription glasses at all times. You're in a lot of trouble."

G: "Yeah - so?, but I've got contacts!"

PO: "I don't care who you're in cahoots with, you're coming with me!"

When Beethoven passed away,

he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some fa...

A boy was once born without a body, only a head.

His parents were in total shock: their new child, only a head with a hand coming out from where the neck would be. Somehow, the child was in relatively good health, so they brought him home and cared for him as they would any other child.

Raising Head Boy presented with many challenges. He c...

A husband is late coming home one night and isn’t answering his cell phone.

His wife calls her mother, incredibly upset. “I’m afraid he’s having an affair,” she tells her mother.

​

“Why do you always think the worst?” her mother asks. “Maybe he just got in a car crash or something.”

Why is Judas afraid of coming second in the Olympics?

The last time he got silver, one of his friends ended up being really cross.

How did the new trucking and RV car dealership advertise its coming soon business?

It put out an extra long trailer in front of the establishment on tv

I was wondering why music was coming from my printer???

Apparently the paper was jamming.

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Most people coming out: Mom, dad, I’m gay

JK Rowling coming out: Mom, dad, you’re gay

Test eating wild mushrooms on the dog, he said.

A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.

Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. B...

Two people were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"...

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On set, Bruce Willis suddenly feel a strong pain coming from his heart.

Without a doubt, the director cuts the scene and Bruce is rushed to the ER. Since the movie studio doesn't want to endanger their movie star they tell the hospital staff to spare no expenses and after multiple tests and scans a doctor walks into the room where Bruce is laying. He tells Bruce he has ...

What group of people do airport security absolutely forbid from coming on planes?

Gender fluid.

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Did you hear about the guy who had a penis coming out of the middle of his face?

He couldn’t stop blowing his nose.

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Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, en...

I was wondering why the tennis ball kept coming closer.

But then it hit me!

So one of my friends is a real up and coming geologist and quite popular with the ladies from what I hear.

Man, that guy's a rockstar.

Coming from a Chinese person, Trump's wall totally works.

I can confirm there are no Mexicans in China.

That old woman in a fake fur coat who had ink thrown on her really had it coming!

Does she even know how many innocent fauxes have been murdered to make that coat?

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What's the world coming to? I'm now under investigation just for wolf-whistling at attractive girls who walk past the building site....

Fuck knows who's going to fix that schools roof now.

I've got a book coming out soon

Shouldn't have eaten it really

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Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms..

..walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin...

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Every once and a while, we should stop and reflect on what the world is coming to.

Then we should go on PornHub and find out.

One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble.

But that was when his friend said: "Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!"

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A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track..

A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track..
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up...

My imaginary friend's coming to stay tonight

So I’ve made up a bed for him

Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's...

Binging and Purging

With Christmas coming up, my wife asked our 3 year old what do you know about Jesus? To which she replies "well I know he's a bad driver and a moron"

Because every time I'm in the car with Daddy, all he ever says is "Jesus Christ learn how to drive you freaking moron"

What's worse than one alligator coming to dinner?

Two alligators coming to dinner.

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"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...