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I’m coming

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw.
He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear.
So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs.
He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee,...

I've just discovered that I have a logic fetish.

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping, I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

The...

I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..

Did *not* see that coming.

Dude I just joined the blind

Other dude: I bet you didn’t see that one coming

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

There is a reason Donald Trump thinks he is the Second Coming.

Every time he says something he hears "Jesus Christ..."

Anybody know where to buy camoflage condoms?

I don't want her to know when I'm coming.

When Beethoven passed away,

he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some fa...

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What did the porn star say to her coworker, The Invisible Man?

"Well... I did not see that coming."

sorry if it's a repost, but I've never seen it and I gave myself a chuckle coming up with it.

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A successful bussinessman has a work trip coming up and hes worried that his beautiful girlfriend will cheat on him when he is gone

So he goes to the best sex shop in town and starts looking through the toys. He sees dildos but doesn't feel they'll do the trick. He sees vibrators but also doesnt feel safe, so he goes to the owner. He asks for the best sex toy available. The owner goes to the back of the shop and gets a wooden bo...

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

A man gets pulled over by the cops...

PO: "Sir, i see here on your license it requires you to be wearing prescription glasses at all times. You're in a lot of trouble."

G: "Yeah - so?, but I've got contacts!"

PO: "I don't care who you're in cahoots with, you're coming with me!"

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

Told my boss that I wasn't coming in because my wife refused to give me a BJ.

He sighed and said, "Frankly, Tom, I think that's unacceptable."


"Exactly," I said. "But try telling her that."

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When you see a friend coming out of the bathroom in bar with a bit wet t-shirt, its like drinking americans beer.

You never can be sure if its piss or water.

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A middle-aged woman is conscious about the way she looks as she's coming of age...

Especially about the wrinkles that are starting to come out around her face. So she decides to go to the plastic surgeon.

"Doctor doctor, what can you do about these wrinkles?"

"Hmmm, in your case, I'd recommend a very innovative, yet very cheap method. I'll install these two tiny sc...

A man is at a bar when he hears some piano music coming from behind the bar

The man asks the bartender: “where is that wonderful music coming from?”

The Barman replies by pulling out a tiny man and placing him in the table

“How did you get him? “

“Well I found a genie, here try it out.”

All right then! I wish for a million bucks!

Suddenly ...

Hopefully, I've got a book coming out soon.

I shouldn't have eaten it really.

A boy was once born without a body, only a head.

His parents were in total shock: their new child, only a head with a hand coming out from where the neck would be. Somehow, the child was in relatively good health, so they brought him home and cared for him as they would any other child.

Raising Head Boy presented with many challenges. He c...

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Men start their lives coming out a vagina and spend the rest of their lives trying to get back in

If you’re a C-section baby, you’re even further behind the curve

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It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

What's the most popular music at Muslim coming out parties?

Hard Rock.

Test eating wild mushrooms on the dog, he said.

A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.

Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. B...

Why do Mormons think Christ’s second coming will be in America?

Because they think he will end their Missouri.

The second coming. NSFW

One Sunday morning, a woman walks into a church and sits in the confession booth. She says "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The priest replies, "Tell me what you have done my daughter, and by gods grace you will be forgiven." So she confesses to the priest, "I have become pregnant, and I belie...

A christian hears that there is a flood coming to his town. (long)

A fireman knocks on his door and says, "You need to come with me, there's a flood coming."

The christian says, "No, no, I'm a faithful christian, God will save me."

The fireman leaves and the flood waters come in. Eventually the flood waters get so high that he has to move to the first...

Didn't see that coming.........

A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant, "Are you single?"

Happily I replied, "Yes....."

She took away the extra chair in front of me.

I love jokes about dad leaving for milk or something and not coming back

I'd tell them to my son but he probably wouldn't recognize me after all these years.

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Yesterday my wife said I must really be fucking stupid for coming home so late

Hey, it's not my fault her sister's an idiot.

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Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms..

..walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin...

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A woman is tired of her husband coming home drunk every night…

…so she decides to teach him a lesson!

Usually every night plays out the same way. Her husband comes home drunk as a skunk, walks directly to the bathroom to take a shit after which he makes his way to the bedroom, collapses on the bed and starts snoring like a freight train.

The woman...

Ive been coming up with unemployment jokes

But they could use some work

With the elections coming i endorse podiums

Now thats something anyone can stand behind

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A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track..

A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track..
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up...

Coming up with a punchline is a real pain in my derrière

Pardon my French

Me: Boss, I am not coming into work today because I am sick.

Boss: How sick are you?


Me: Well, I am in bed with my sister.

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