I've just discovered that I have a logic fetish.

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

Dude I just joined the blind

Other dude: I bet you didn’t see that one coming

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the porn star say to her coworker, The Invisible Man?

"Well... I did not see that coming."

sorry if it's a repost, but I've never seen it and I gave myself a chuckle coming up with it.

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping, I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

The...

Anybody know where to buy camoflage condoms?

I don't want her to know when I'm coming.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

A man gets pulled over by the cops...

PO: "Sir, i see here on your license it requires you to be wearing prescription glasses at all times. You're in a lot of trouble."

G: "Yeah - so?, but I've got contacts!"

PO: "I don't care who you're in cahoots with, you're coming with me!"

When Beethoven passed away,

he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some fa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

With climate change, income inequality, racism, xenophobia, religious extremists, war, and famine all around us, I often wonder what the world is coming to.

Then I check PornHub.

Turns out it’s stepsisters.

I love jokes about dad leaving for milk or something and not coming back

I'd tell them to my son but he probably wouldn't recognize me after all these years.

A highschool senior is coming up on his senior prom and really wants the night to go right

Senior Prom is coming up, and Joe really wants to not have any regrets moving forward into adulthood. There's this girl, Sally, that he's been pining over for years, so he girds his loins and asks her to go with him to the event, and lo and behold she says yes.


Now Joe is starstruck, the ...

As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming, don't stop the car!.. We won't make it!.. We won't!.. Can't!" "Driver, hurry!" I yelled..

"Her contractions are getting closer together!"

If Jesus had his second coming, I doubt he’d let anyone crucify him.

Nobody double-crosses Jesus

I wondered why music was coming from my printer earlier...

Apparently the paper was jamming.

A boy was once born without a body, only a head.

His parents were in total shock: their new child, only a head with a hand coming out from where the neck would be. Somehow, the child was in relatively good health, so they brought him home and cared for him as they would any other child.

Raising Head Boy presented with many challenges. He c...

My doctor asked how my aphasia is coming along?

Hard to say...

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My son told me to stop coming into his room...

I tried to explain to him that it’s just his pillows and sheets not the entire room, still don’t think he wants me in there... fucking kids

Test eating wild mushrooms on the dog, he said.

A group of country friends wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.

Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. B...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Coming in from the snow one evening, a polar bear cub asked his mother, “Mom, am I 100% polar bear?“

His mother replied, “Yes, son! I am 100% polar bear and your father is 100% polar bear so that makes you 100% polar bear.“

Still not satisfied, the cub went to his father who gave him the same answer. “Of course, son! Both your grandmothers were 100% polar bear and both your grandfathers were...

A Russian jazz pianist is coming to town.

His name is Vladimir Slips-his-licks-in

Why is Judas afraid of coming second in the Olympics?

The last time he got silver, one of his friends ended up being really cross.

A husband is late coming home one night and isn’t answering his cell phone.

His wife calls her mother, incredibly upset. “I’m afraid he’s having an affair,” she tells her mother.

​

“Why do you always think the worst?” her mother asks. “Maybe he just got in a car crash or something.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms..

..walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin...

How did the new trucking and RV car dealership advertise its coming soon business?

It put out an extra long trailer in front of the establishment on tv

Had a dream a horrible coworker came back to work. I woke up worried about it possibly coming true.

Then I remembered I also dreamed my wife and I had intercourse. So that means the entire dream was improbable.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track..

A Boy was having sex with a girl on a Railway track..
The train driver spots them and starts hooting but they ignore it..
He applies brakes so hard and the train stops just a few yards away from the couple. Driver jumps from the engine and walks to the boy who just finished and is standing up...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On set, Bruce Willis suddenly feel a strong pain coming from his heart.

Without a doubt, the director cuts the scene and Bruce is rushed to the ER. Since the movie studio doesn't want to endanger their movie star they tell the hospital staff to spare no expenses and after multiple tests and scans a doctor walks into the room where Bruce is laying. He tells Bruce he has ...

What group of people do airport security absolutely forbid from coming on planes?

Gender fluid.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, en...