UPJOKE
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If you get seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before you go to bed.

This will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

“The Government” is mandating that I set my clocks back before I go to bed tonight, but I’m going to do MY OWN research, thank you very much.

My clocks, my choice.

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An old man and his wife go to bed...

After laying there for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score!"

After abo...

I wonder what Jeff Bezos does before he goes go to bed

Probably puts his pajamazon

whenever I go to bed all I can do is stand up.

I wish I was lying.

(My 4yr old told me this one.) Why do you go to bed?

Because the bed won't come to you!





Silly, but coming from her it got me laughing.

What time does Roger Federer go to bed?

Tennish

Never go to bed angry

Stay up all night... plotting.

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My dad always told me you only wake up with what you go to bed with

Go to bed with courage and you'll wake up with it...

Go to bed needing a shit, you're not gonna have a good morning.

Every night I go to bed with three sheets

One sheet for my wife, one for me and a backup sheet for me for when my wife takes my sheet. Which is why I wake up every morning all groggy and three sheets to the wife.

Before I go to bed, I always drink some ti

I like to end the day on a high note

I listen to trump rallies before I go to bed

They're all white noise.

Why did the bike go to bed early?

It was two tired

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Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time and Julie whispers, "I should warn you, Ted, I've got acute angina."

Ted responds, "Your breasts aren't bad either!"

What do you call hip people that go to bed and breakfasts?

The Inn Crowd

Normal People: "Alright, time to go to bed."

Insomniacs: "Let's yeet these sheets!"

I have finally cut down on smoking, I have one when I go to bed and one when I get up.

I have only been to bed 25 times today.

In my twenties I would never go to bed with an ugly girl

I would only wake up with them

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My wife and I made a vow to never go to bed angry.

I'm so fucking tired!

LPT: Start a film on your laptop before you go to bed.

That way, the NSA will have something to watch while you sleep. ^_^

When is it time to go to bed at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

If an officer's child refuses to go to bed,..

Would it be resisting arrest?

What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?

Vomit 😝

What kind of fish would you want to go to bed with?

A cuddlefish! (corny I know)

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The therapist told my wife and I not to go to bed angry...

we haven't slept in 36 years.

My 12 year old just told me a joke

He said “I’ve been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I’m only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.”

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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

Advice for newlyweds: Never go to bed angry

Unless you're into that sort of thing.

Why did Stalin go to Bed Bath & Beyond?

He needed an iron curtain

Wife wants to see the circus

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Yakov's Moscow Circus is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinne...

A very 1950's naughty joke my very proper Mother told...

A young couple got married and the wife couldn't cook. But they were still in the honeymoon phase, so the first night after they got home, the husband comes home from work and the wife says "I'm sorry I burned dinner." So the husband says "That's all right honey let's just make love."

The...

A husband rudely said to his wife that she had really let herself go and put on a lot of weight since they got married

The wife replied by saying before she got married she used to get home at night and look in the fridge but because nothing looked appealing she would go to bed. But now that she's married when she gets home at night she'd look in the bedroom but as nothing in there looks appealing she goes to the fr...

I'm Mexican and I think we should go to bed early

Tomorrow we need to wake up early to go build the wall.

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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The three hunters story

This is a joke my grandfather used to tell. He just passed away so I thought I'd share it here.

Three friends decided to take a hunting trip. The first friend was a genius and succeeded at everything he tried. The second friend was an average Joe and got through life just fine. The third fri...

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Confucius did NOT say

>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

>Squirrel who runs up woman’s' ...

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Somebody once told me a story…

…and today I’d like to share it with you:

Once upon a time, there was a farmer in Scotland. His name was William McKellen.

William had a faithful horse, named Star. She was his best friend out there in the Highlands.

Every morning, the two would go out to the grass fields. Far...

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The cottage in the middle of the woods

An explorer was lost in the forest, and luckily came upon a cottage in a clearing. He knocked and an old Chinese man opened the door. The man was willing to let the explorer stay on one condition: he didn't approach his daughter or he would impose the three worst Chinese tortures upon him.

D...

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