Go To Bed Jokes - 32 Hilarious Go To Bed Jokes

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

What Time do Iron Maiden fans go to bed?

2 minutes till midnight!

If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water, before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Why would you go to bed wearing armour?

It's the best way to get a good knight's sleep.

My parents thought if they “stacked” our beds we would like it and want to go to bed at our bed time.

That theory was quickly debunked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man and his wife go to bed...

After laying there for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score!"

After abo...

I wonder what Jeff Bezos does before he goes go to bed

Probably puts his pajamazon

whenever I go to bed all I can do is stand up.

I wish I was lying.

(My 4yr old told me this one.) Why do you go to bed?

Because the bed won't come to you!

Silly, but coming from her it got me laughing.

A young man and his new lover go to bed together for the first time.

"Before we begin," he says, "I must confess I suffer from erectile dysfunction."

She smiles as she removes her blouse, "Don't worry darling, that is not a hard problem. We will beat it together."

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

I listen to trump rallies before I go to bed

They're all white noise.

Why did the bicycle go to bed early?

It was two tired

Every night I go to bed with three sheets

One sheet for my wife, one for me and a backup sheet for me for when my wife takes my sheet. Which is why I wake up every morning all groggy and three sheets to the wife.

Before I go to bed, I always drink some ti

I like to end the day on a high note

My 12 year old just told me a joke

He said “I’ve been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I’m only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad always told me you only wake up with what you go to bed with

Go to bed with courage and you'll wake up with it...

Go to bed needing a shit, you're not gonna have a good morning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I made a vow to never go to bed angry.

I'm so fucking tired!

What do you call hip people that go to bed and breakfasts?

The Inn Crowd

Why did Stalin go to Bed Bath & Beyond?

He needed an iron curtain

In my twenties I would never go to bed with an ugly girl

I would only wake up with them

LPT: Start a film on your laptop before you go to bed.

That way, the NSA will have something to watch while you sleep. ^_^

What kind of fish would you want to go to bed with?

A cuddlefish! (corny I know)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The therapist told my wife and I not to go to bed angry...

we haven't slept in 36 years.

When is it time to go to bed at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.

Julie: "Ted, I should warn you, I've got acute angina."

Ted: "Your breasts aren't bad either."

I have finally cut down on smoking, I have one when I go to bed and one when I get up.

I have only been to bed 25 times today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. Unfortunately, the wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, a...

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, t...

I'm Mexican and I think we should go to bed early

Tomorrow we need to wake up early to go build the wall.

A very 1950's naughty joke my very proper Mother told...

A young couple got married and the wife couldn't cook. But they were still in the honeymoon phase, so the first night after they got home, the husband comes home from work and the wife says "I'm sorry I burned dinner." So the husband says "That's all right honey let's just make love."

The...

Diary Entries of a Married Couple

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I s...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.