UPJOKE
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Single Jokes

I’m into girls, and I’m into guys, yet I’m still single.

So I guess you could say I’m all bi-myself.

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street...

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight...

I'm optimistically single.

My bed is half full.

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

No single bird can defeat me.

But Toucan.

If your crush is single...

It is 1v20

If she is taken...

It is 1v1

Work smarter not harder

I know every single digit of pi!

Just not in the right order

A single Karen is called a Karen. A group of Karens is called ...

a homeowners association.

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

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I once went to visit Japan and I haven't seen a single ninja.

Impressive.

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A single sperm has 37.5 MB of information. A single ejaculation represents a data transfer of about 1,587 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow.

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

What a weird way to start a conversation

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Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she strips down, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugs each of the de...

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A farmer read in a paper that a single egg has as many nutrients as a whole bale of hay.

The farmer was very excited thinking how much money he could now save on feeding his horse, and quickly changed the horse's diet to one egg a day.

As days and weeks went by, the farmer noticed his horse getting thinner and thinner, weaker and weaker. After four weeks, when the horse could...

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them?

In the bookstore, under "fiction".

Why are married people on average heavier than single people?

A single person goes to the fridge, takes a look what's there, sighs, and goes to bed.

A married one goes to bed, sees what's there, sighs, and goes to the fridge.

Three Guys Were Sleeping Together On A Single Bed

One on the left wakes up and says i had a dream i was getting a handjob from a hot blonde

The Guy on the right says that's weird i had a similar dream but the only difference is the girl giving me a handjob was a brunette

The one in the middle says well i had a dream where i was Skiing...

At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off...

He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up.

"Evening officer."

"What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?"

"I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the gi...

I was furious at my English teacher for dropping me down to a B for missing just a single period.

However, I'm sure he'll be worried enough to increase it to an A after I inform him that I've actually missed three periods.

All the single ladles

Joe invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the course of said dinner his mother couldn't help but notice the staggering beauty of Joe's roommate. She had been long suspicious of a relationship between them, and her beauty combined with the banter she had seen them share only made her a...

I haven't sold a single copy of my autobiography.

That's the story of my life.

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins...

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"

The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."

Immediately thinking the worst, the moth...

Today a friend said to me: "Marco, aren't you sad to see your friends getting married and you being single at 43?"

I replied:

"Yes, I am, but I don't know how to help them."

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.


I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

Dating a single mother

Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game

Why is Grand Moff Tarkin single?

He keeps looking for love in Alderann places.

Student: I've been writing my exam for 2 hours but haven't answered a single question!!!

Politics Teacher: Well done, that's an A.

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There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pati...

A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant,"Are you single?"

I Happily I replied," Yes...."

She took away the extra chair in front of me.

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

A friend of mine is newly single

I wished him thots and prayers

My girlfriend hasn’t made a single joke in the 10 years we’ve been together…

We're in a very serious relationship...

I despise it when a couple has a minor quarrel and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to "single.”

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to "orphan."

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Did you know that on the Canary Islands, there's not a single canary? And in the Virgin Islands, same exact thing! There's not a single...

...canary.

Parking a single car doesn’t require much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

I asked Siri why I'm still single...

It opened the front camera.

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A young, single woman is feeling lonely

and decides to take matters into her own hands. To shy to buy a sex toy, she heads to the grocery store and picks out some scented candles, a bottle of wine, some personal lubricant and a large cucumber. She takes her items up to the till and the cashier says:

"You're single, hey?"

She...

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike

It's a vicious cycle.

If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men?

Palm Sunday.

First time posting, please be gentle.

3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line.

The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”

The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”

The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”

What do you call a single Italian man?

Cannelloni!

A guy in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a single word without my lawyer present!”

Policeman: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so give me my present.

Perks of being single and in locked down

You don't have to share your coronavirus.

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A rich single man is having a drink by himself in a bar

when a gorgeous woman enters. Everyone is staring at her. The guy thinks to himself, "there's no way in hell I have a chance with her." But, lo and behold, she sits down next to him and has a drink. The two get to talking, and the man learns that she is a hooker. A few drinks in, the man says, "I'm ...

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A married couple and a single man are stranded on an island

After a few weeks the single man is getting very horny. The married woman one day whispers to him, "I'd love to help you out but my husband wouldn't stand for it, and as you know, it's a tiny island with only one tree." The single man says, "It's ok. I'll think of something." Every day they take...

If you want to change the world, do it while you're single

Once you're married you can't even change the TV channel

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If you're bi and single then you aren't bisexual

Your bi yourself

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This will be my first Halloween as a single person in over 12 years.

I think I’ll dress up as Southwest Airlines and fuck a bunch of people.

I was given a single chance to fix an abacus

I better make it count

Who earns his salary without working a single day?

A night watchman

After being single for ages, my best mate said, "Can I set you up?"

I said, "Go on then"

Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.

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A single woman on her period decides that she does not longer want to sit around at home ...

... and that it is time to hit the town for some drinks. Maybe she will meet that special someone tonight? She decides to go to the local bar.

As she sits at the bar by herself a very drunk gentleman approaches and starts to flirt with her. It is clear the man wants to have sex with her. Howe...

How is being single like getting a Genie?

You need to rub one out.

Whenever I have a lot of applications for a single job position, I throw half of them away

Sure I might be missing out on a great candidate. But then again, who wants someone with bad luck on their team.

Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I...

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What's the difference between a single man and a married man.

Ones spends his nights alone watching porn, being miserable.


And the other one's single.

I don't have a single pair of underwear without holes in them

I mean... How else am I supposed to put them on?

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Being fat and single sucks

My clothes have more X's than porn URL's

The US just dropped a new single today

It quickly became the number 1 hit in Afghanistan

A single father gets asked by one of his children:

"Dad, why am i called Snowflake?"

Her Dad replies:
"Well, right after you where born on the Mountains, it started snowing and a snowflake landed on your mother's forehead."

The second child asks as well:
"Why am i called Azure?"

The Dad replied:
"When you where born in ...

what fruit would single people be??

Cantaloupe

I've been single so long

a bug flew in my eye and I thought, "It's nice to be touched."

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?"

"It's spelled 'you're'," I replied.

When I was a single man, I had a lot of free time.

Now that I listen to whole albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

So does walking in front of an oncoming train.

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What do you tell a Bisexual that is Single?

"Oh no、 It seems you are biーyourself！"

A single guy walks into a bar

A single guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been trying that online dating thing. Almost every single girl has the same old line in their profile," he tells the bartender. "Oh yeah, what line is that?" the bartender asks. "They all say, 'If I was meant to be controlled I would have come w...

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During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.

He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

If a single germ can infect over 300 people...

Imagine what a married one could do.

I'm happy being single but...

sometimes I'll be walking down the street and see a happy couple coming towards me, holding hands and wearing matching outfits. And I just can't help but think to myself, *Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to hate them with?*

-Tom Allen

I’ve been single for so long…

My last Crush was an orange soda.

Scientists have shown that an uncontrollable urge to start singing the Tokens hit single "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away a whim away...

I have successfully muted every single person on Reddit. AMA!

edit: really? No one? :(

Did you know the Illuminati once bought pizza for every single person on the planet?

And if the rumours are true, they’re gonna do it again, it’s gonna be a new world order.

U.S. singles may be bills, and Canadian singles may be coins...

...but Asian singles are in my area.

Did you hear what happened to Jimmy? Tertible! His wife divorced him and left him without a single penny!

\- Well, I have it far worse. Not only is my wife ileaving me without a single penny, she also has absolutely no intention to divorce me.

Nobody ever believes me when I say I can make over six figs in a just single summer

Until I show them the small fruit tree in my front yard.

Went on a date with a single mom...

It was going well until I told her I didn't care about her kid; I just wanted to play with the box it came in.

Why is the count from Sesame Street still single?

Because he doesn't ever wanna Miss Count.

I haven't understood a single joke since this quarantine started.

They must all be inside jokes.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

Must Be Single

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. can of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk stan...

It's a fact that married men live longer than single men,

But single men put up much more of a fight when dying.

Two single people met up on handicap singles night after having no luck in years...

The man had a wooden peg leg, and the woman has a wooden eye. After finally getting up the courage, the woman asks the man if he would like to dance.

“Would I? Would I?” he yells excitedly.

In complete disgust, she yells back, “Peg Leg! Peg Leg!”

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A guy walks into a convenience store, and he grabs a single-serving meal, a single-serving drink, a single-serving toothpaste, a single-serving dessert, single-serving everything, and he goes up to the counter with it.

The woman at the counter says, "Let me guess, you're single?" And he says, "Yeah, how could you tell?" And she says, "Because you're really fucking ugly."

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Being a single father of 5 is tough..

Never know when one of those little fuckers might find me

Three guys were sleeping on a single mattress

When they wake up the guy on the left whispers to the other two, "Dudes, I just had a dream I was getting a handjob...It was friggin awesome."

Then the guy on the right says, "Get outta here! I had a handjob dream too!"

While they high fived and discussed the odds, the guy in the cente...

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The man with a single testicle (NSFW)

A man with a single testicle gets on a plane. He is very unlucky man with a single testicle.


The plane he is on has an engine malfunction mid flight and starts falling due to excessive weight. One has to jump from the plane to save the others.


"Lets choose someone randomly" say...

A new girlfriend asked me "How did you manage to stay single for so long?"

Single Handedly

A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!"

A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"

There is new innovation for single ply toilet paper

It features breakthrough technology

my great grandfather single handedly took down 97 german planes in WW2

Easily the worst mechanic the luftwaffe ever had

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I applied to every single college fraternity

But I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently they only accept complete dicks.

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Two 80 year old singles were talking about sex.

She asked him how often he had sex. He told her it was infrequently. She asked him, “Is that one word or two?”

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My grandpa took Viagra every single day until the day it killed him.

I guess old habits die hard.

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On average, a single male has sex 89 times a year.

Tomorrow is going to be really awesome for me!

What do single male zombies look for in a woman?

Brains.

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Man walks into a singles bar...

A man walks into a single bar looking for some action. He orders a drink and sees a gorgeous woman sitting at the bar , extremely well dressed sexy but classy.

He goes up to and says "hi.." and before he can try his chat up lines she looks him up and down and says "I don't care what your name...

There was a plane crash and every single person died

All the married couples survived

I am so single

when I go to a restaurant I split the bill between my two bank accounts

What's the best way to single-handledly kill a bunch of communists?

Communism

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are you going to travel with only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and...

I’m in a band called “The Palindromes.”

Our first single is called “If I had a HiFi.”

Tinder is completely useless, and I don’t have a single match

If I don’t find another way to start a campfire tonight, I’ll freeze to death.

Single, huh?

A woman went to a grocery store and did some shopping. She gave her basket to the check-out clerk, who scanned the following:

1 toothbrush
2 small packages of noodles
1 banana
1 small turkey
1/2 gallon of milk

The clerk looked at the woman and said "single, huh?'
...

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