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Single Jokes

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There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pati...

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street...

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight...

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”

The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

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A single sperm has 37.5 MB of information. A single ejaculation represents a data transfer of about 1,587 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow.

I was given a single chance to fix an abacus

I better make it count

I haven't sold a single copy of my autobiography.

That's the story of my life.

I signed up for a singles program looking for love.

It turns out it's a tennis program.

I've never played tennis before, and I'm a bit out of shape. Wish me luck, hope I score!

Since many of the posts on here are "Yo Mama jokes" and many others are "Chuck Norris" jokes, can any of the brilliant minds who post on here combine the two memes into a single joke?

Chuck Norris used a roundhouse kick to move yo mama, because when she sits around the house, she really sits **around the house**.

Student: I've been writing my exam for 2 hours but haven't answered a single question!!!

Politics Teacher: Well done, that's an A.

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

I’m in a band called “The Palindromes.”

Our first single is called “If I had a HiFi.”

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What do you tell a Bisexual that is Single?

"Oh no、 It seems you are biーyourself！"

I asked Siri why I'm still single...

It opened the front camera.

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.
  

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

A guy in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a single word without my lawyer present!”

Policeman: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so give me my present.

Did you know the Illuminati once bought pizza for every single person on the planet?

And if the rumours are true, they’re gonna do it again, it’s gonna be a new world order.

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98-year-old wife for their health secrets.

The old man said "I'll tell you my secret. I've been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometres. So I've been walking 5 kilometres every day for past 75 years! Everyone applauded and asked again "But how come your wife is...

Paddy and Mick were trying to get a loan to open a new distillery but every single bank turned them down.



Apparently they thought it was a whiskey business.

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Did you know there isn't a single canary on the Canary Islands? Same with the Virgin Islands....

Not one canary

A single father gets asked by one of his children:

"Dad, why am i called Snowflake?"

Her Dad replies:
"Well, right after you where born on the Mountains, it started snowing and a snowflake landed on your mother's forehead."

The second child asks as well:
"Why am i called Azure?"

The Dad replied:
"When you where born in ...

No single bird can defeat me.

But Toucan.

My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

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I went to Japan recently, and did not see a single ninja there.

Impressive!

It's a fact that married men live longer than single men,

But single men put up much more of a fight when dying.

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Why I’m getting a divorce

I woke up the morning of my 43rd birthday. Expecting something similar to previous years, I freshened up and walked into the kitchen. To my surprise and disappointment, my wife did not acknowledge my birthday at all. Even my kids had forgotten and didn’t say anything. I little taken back. I complete...

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A man, obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is sentenced, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he is led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happen...

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The womanizer, the drunk, and the pot head

There was a womanizer, a drunk and a pot head that got into a car accident and died. When they arrived in hell the devil told them "welcome to hell, as a punishment you will have to spend 1000 years in your own personal rooms with punishments specific to your sins and if you learn your lesson you ge...

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A groupie meets a band for the first time.

She is introduced to the singer and guitarist, then the bass player, who only has one arm. She asks how he plays with only one arm, and he says "watch!"

He proceeds to pull out his enormous erect penis and while he frets his bass he uses his dick to play the strings. He's thrusting and gyra...

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I’m into boys and I’m into girls… but I’ve been single for so long I no longer think I’m bisexual

I’m officially all bi-myself

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

The sooner you laugh after the punch line, the smarter you are.

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, peddling insect repellent.
He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. “Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.”
The farmer was dubious.
“Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you...

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll;

are you trying to quit?

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Being fat and single sucks

My clothes have more X's than porn URL's

A new girlfriend asked me "How did you manage to stay single for so long?"

Single Handedly

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

I’m into girls, and I’m into guys, yet I’m still single.

So I guess you could say I’m all bi-myself.

I know every single digit of pi!

Just not in the right order

My faithful old shredder has finally given up the ghost after 15 years without a single problem.

I'm tearing up here.

A single guy walks into a bar

A single guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been trying that online dating thing. Almost every single girl has the same old line in their profile," he tells the bartender. "Oh yeah, what line is that?" the bartender asks. "They all say, 'If I was meant to be controlled I would have come w...

Three vampires are arguing amongst themselves.

Each is claiming to be the most vicious.

The first one suddenly runs off, and comes back in fifteen seconds, blood dripping from his mouth.

'See that house over there?' he says, pointing. 'I've killed all of the family members inside and sucked their bodies dry of blood.'

The s...

A cabbie picks up a nun...

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old...

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What do you call asian man who is single

Lone lee

In a competition to express luck, peace and quiet in a single sentence, the winning sentence was...

My wife is asleep.

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The Penis Poem–by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the gosh darn thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The...

Why was the vampire' single ' even after 150 years

Because he never got a "ghoul " friend

My girlfriend said she's a big fan of horoscopes. You know what that makes me?

Single.

The unusual camel

A man is walking through the desert. He's been lost for a while and he's kinda losing hope.

Behind a sand dune he sees what looks like a camel rental shop. Clearly a mirage.. or is it?

It doesn't disappear as he gets closer so he enters the main tent and is greeted by the owner.
...

Toilet paper...

Whoever it was that invented single ply toilet paper, I'd like to shake his hand.

My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and said I shouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet

I told her I don't have to put up with this, not when there are desperate single milfs less than a mile away

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

Three Guys Were Sleeping Together On A Single Bed

One on the left wakes up and says i had a dream i was getting a handjob from a hot blonde

The Guy on the right says that's weird i had a similar dream but the only difference is the girl giving me a handjob was a brunette

The one in the middle says well i had a dream where i was Skiing...

If a single germ can infect over 300 people...

Imagine what a married one could do.

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January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies.

January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies. Just last month a rebel group called the Sons of Liberty caused a ruckus in Boston about tea being taxed too high. Tax collectors tarred and feathered. High anti royalist sentiment. William Cotillion, King George's personal advisor to the colo...

I'm single by choice

Not my choice

I can’t think of a single good thing to post on my cake day.

I guess I’ll just have to dessert my karma farming plans.

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

A family go to the zoo

They're excited to see all the exotic animals, birds & reptiles. The first enclosure is empty, totally deserted. Unperturbed they carry on to the next one.. again it's empty!
Every single enclosure, cage, run and avery they encounter is empty, deserted and unkempt..

Except, right besi...

A bloke walks into a bar

And there are two Nuns playing darts. He offers to do the scoring. The first Nun hits a treble twenty with her first and second darts and double twenty with her third. The man shouts out "One hundred and sixty." The second Nun goes to throw and hits a treble twenty, a single twenty and the third dar...

A magnet walks into an elemental singles bar and tries a pickup line on a pretty slab of metal.

"Is your name *Beryllium*? 'Cause you can alka-***lie*** next to *my* earth metal!"

The slab of ***lead*** says "Nah. You don't *attract* me."

Ba dum TSS!

my great grandfather single handedly took down 97 german planes in WW2

Easily the worst mechanic the luftwaffe ever had

A lion gets bored of eating antelope...

So he decides to have bird for dinner. He dons a hippopotamus outfit and walks towards an eagle inside a group of hippos. As he gets closer, the bird spots him and flies away.

Undaunted, the lion puts on a zebra costume the next day, and walks towards the bird among a group of zebras. Once ag...

If someone who hates Christmas is called a Grinch...

what do you call someone who hates Valentine's Day?

Single.

Guy races into a bar looking very flustered and says to the bartender "Quick, give me a shot of your finest Scotch before the trouble starts"

The guy downs the scotch in a single gulp and glancing nervously towards the doors says **"Quick, give me another shot of you finest Scotch before the trouble starts"**

The guy downs that Scotch too and says, ***"Quick, another shot before the trouble starts".*** The barman pauses and says **...

Dance

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,00...

Why is the count from Sesame Street still single?

Because he doesn't ever wanna Miss Count.

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Poor Irish Family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

Scientists have shown that an uncontrollable urge to start singing the Tokens hit single "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away a whim away...

A lot of people call Valentine’s Day “singles awareness day,” but that’s actually today

4/04 date not found

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My grandpa took Viagra every single day until the day it killed him.

I guess old habits die hard.

milliHelen.

The amount of beauty required to launch a single ship.

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A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

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This will be my first Halloween as a single person in over 12 years.

I think I’ll dress up as Southwest Airlines and fuck a bunch of people.

There was this man in Russia who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person died. He went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, ...

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Little Igor was struggling with his home assignment

Little Igor was struggling with his home assignment so he went to his dad Mr. Igor for help.

Dad: what is this assignment about?

Little Igor: teacher asks us to write a sentence with the words country, party, people and citizen. And I don't know what these words mean.

Dad: you s...

a man goes on a trip to a country he has never been on

The he goes to the supermarket and sees something he has never seen before: Matches.

So he buys a pack and sends them to his best friend with written instructions on how to use them.

When he is back home he talks to the friend and asks him about the matches.

The friend tells him...

One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano.

*Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got this amazing person. The*
*bartender replied that inside the closet there is a* genie *that will grant him a single wish.*


*The man* dashed *into the the closet and as the bartender said, there was a genie inside.*


*Wit...

what fruit would single people be??

Cantaloupe

If your crush is single...

It is 1v20

If she is taken...

It is 1v1

Work smarter not harder

I'm optimistically single.

My bed is half full.

There once lived a Mr. Wrong

Since he was a wee lad, Mr. Wrong had it tough. He was a bright, brilliant young boy, but to his mother he would never be enough. Worse still, she'd make all sorts of outlandish statements to rub it into him that he would never amount to anything.

Mr. Wrong was tenacious though, as he'd delib...

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Two 80 year old singles were talking about sex.

She asked him how often he had sex. He told her it was infrequently. She asked him, “Is that one word or two?”

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Assistant Gorilla Catcher Wanted

College kid on summer break was looking for a job to pick up some extra money. Saw the usual jobs being advertised until he came across a help wanted ad for assistant gorilla catcher. Intrigued he applied and was immediately hired. Boss said “we don’t get a lot of calls, but when we do we have to be...

There's so much controversy surrounding school zones

I swear, I see a sign saying "end school zone" in every single one.

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Putin wanted to know if Zelenskyy was still alive...

Zelenskyy himself decided to send Putin a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message.







370HSSV-0773H






Putin was baffled, so he emailed...

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A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of weed.

"What have we here?"
"It's not mine officer."
He scoffs.
"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"Bullshit."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me...

If couples celebrate Valentine's Day, what do single men celebrate?

Palm Sunday.

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A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

What do single male zombies look for in a woman?

Brains.

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?"

"It's spelled 'you're'," I replied.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

How many people can you kill with a single bottle of water?

According to airport security, quite a lot.

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Four prisoners are killed in a prison bus accident

A drug dealer, a car thief, a bank robber and a rapist all die and are sent immediately to hell. Once there Satan begins checking his documents and says he isn’t ready for them. He says “you died a little too soon. So we don’t have anywhere to put you. I will be clearing out a few places for you but...

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Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.

She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said,

\- "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped...

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As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season....

I would love to congratulate myself for never watching a single fucking episode.

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There was a man Who was extremely unlucky

There was a man, He waz so unlucky. In fact, he was so unlucky that the man was born with a single ball. One day this man got on the plane. After the plane went too high, the systems suddenly failed and the plane went into decline. But the aircraft crew said: If someone jumps off the plane, the p...

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

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Angry single parent: “I’M TRYING TO BE BOTH A MOTHER AND A FATHER TO YOU!”

Little Johnny: “Go fuck yourself.”

There is new innovation for single ply toilet paper

It features breakthrough technology

Did you hear about the guy who had such a gambling problem, he sold every single body part to pay for it?

He should have quit while he was still a head.

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A Guy Goes Grocery Shopping

A guy goes grocery shopping & fills his cart with 1 Cucumber, 3 Carrots & a jar of Nutella.

He heads to the checkout. The cashier looks at his items and says, “Oh. You must be single, huh?”

“Yes actually I am. How’d you know?” replied the guy.

“Because you’re fucking ug...

What's the best way to single-handledly kill a bunch of communists?

Communism

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Wife got mad at me when I went to a charity event to support single moms

Strippers deserve support too.

Tired of being single, so I went to see a matchmaker today.

Left with a box of matches.

Based on a true story

During the liberation of Kuwait many Kuwaitis named their children that were born during that time with related names to the event.

One of those names were, and I kid you not, "George Bush". Not as in George and the dad bush but literally a single first name George Bush.

Now this guy...

Putin and Lavrov are going hunting..

Putin and Lavrov go hunting. Suddenly wild ducks appear in front of them. Putin fires several shots at the ducks as fast as he can, but misses every single one... Lavrov sees this, crosses himself and comments : Oi a miracle. Dead, but they fly.

Edit : Translated and adjusted from serbian.

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No one prepared me for how many times I would hear “guess what” as a parent.

And as a child of the 80s, EVERY SINGLE TIME I have to try not to answer “chicken butt”…

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution….

“You don't want to try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She would make lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at...

It's 1980 in the Soviet Union

The economic situation is absolutely dire. Leonid Brezhnev, General Secretary of the Communist Party, calls an emergency party meeting to discuss solutions.

"Comrades," Brezhnev begins, "according to our projections, within 2 years we will have run out of meat! What do you propose we do, comr...

I watched a singles match between two Mexican fighters the other day

It was Juan-on-Juan

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Cheers to me not fucking a single man in my 30 years of life!!

I only fuck married men.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the hou...

I'm happy being single but...

sometimes I'll be walking down the street and see a happy couple coming towards me, holding hands and wearing matching outfits. And I just can't help but think to myself, *Wouldn't it be nice to have someone to hate them with?*

-Tom Allen

What can you do if every single day sucks?

Marry those days and I guarantee the sucking will stop.

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

Holiday scams

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and hands over a few singles to pay for it. The bartender picks up the $1 bills and carefully scutinizes them, holding them up to the light. "What are you doing?" the guy asks. "There's a new scam going around this holiday season," the bartender replies. "People...

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

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