My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street.

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight. Are...

Are you single

A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant,"Are you single?"

Happily I replied," Yess....."

She took away the extra chair in front of me.

An old grandma brings the bus driver peanuts every single day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.". 

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

What is a single piece of Tortellini called?

Tortalone

I know every single digit of pi.

I just don’t know the order of them

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A single sperm cell has 37.5 MB of DNA information on it. That means that an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow

So you like men and women, but you’re still single...

I guess you’re just Bi-yourself

My dad's favorite story is about how he single-handedly saved a dairy farm from bankruptcy

The story is pretty cheesy, but he milks it for all its worth.

Single-use highlighters

Are rather unremarkable.

Police: Sir, you are under arrest for trying to carry 6 people on a single motorcycle

Me: What do you mean 6 people?

Police: Yes, 6 people. Now please get off your vehicle.

Me: OH MY GOD!

Police: Sir?

Me: Jack fell off!

At 11:55 PM, a cop drives by a park, and sees a single car with the lights off...

He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up.

"Evening officer."

"What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?"

"I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the gi...

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There's not a single canary on the Canary Islands. Same with the Virgin Islands...

Not a single canary there either.

My wife screamed at me: “You really haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said to you, have you?”

What a weird way to start a conversation!

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't...

To wear or not to wear single vision glasses

As a long time vision glasses user I just love it when people try to uplift my spirit saying :
"-OMG, you look so much better without wearing your glasses!...
To which I started to reply :
-Why thank you, indeed, you're looking so much better as well when I'm not wearing them "

My dad hasn't kissed a single woman other than my mother.

I've seen him kiss plenty of men but I think that's how just he bonds with friends.

My 24 year old sister is worried about keeping a man around as a single mother of two

Recently she's been seeing this older gentleman that she's worried about scaring off because of her kids. I keep telling her there is nothing to worry about, he was really sweet to me when I was younger. He loves kids

What instrument can Mike Tyson play with a single finger?

A thimble

A SINGLE mother wakes up from a COMA after giving BIRTH to TWINS…

She asks the doctor “Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!”

The doctor says “Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news.”

Immediately thinking the worst, the moth...

I am so single. I went to Grand Canyon, alone. I yelled “I love you” just to hear it said back to me.

My echo replied. “I just want to be friends”

U.S. singles may be bills, and Canadian singles may be coins...

...but Asian singles are in my area.

After being single for ages, my best mate said, "Can I set you up?"

I said, "Go on then"

Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.

A woman goes to the store to buy a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk. The cashier guesses that she is single and she is shocked. She asks how he knew

He said it's because she's ugly

The hardest part honestly of me being a single stay at home mom

is probably the fact that I'm a 28 year old man with no children

Why couldn't the blind man hear a single word?

Because he was deaf too.

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I just went to Japan and didn't see a single ninja there

Impressive!

My ideal woman is a single mum

Or at least she will be after I’m gone


Credit: Originally a Jimmy Carr joke

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question."

Please form a single-file line. And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sis...

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Why do single guys love their dicks so much?

Because they can come in handy.

I can't get into details right now, but earlier this week I received the single, greatest phone call of my life. Then just 5 minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital...

I said, "Yeah, I just heard"

There was this limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer...

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

What's the difference between a double barrel shotgun and a single barrel shotgun?

The double barrel gives you more buck for your bang.

There were three lawyers and three MBAs traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket.

‘How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?’ asks an MBA. ‘Watch and you’ll see’ answers a lawyer.

They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the ...

A game you shouldn’t play single player?

Russian Roulette

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A man goes to a singles bar...

An attractive woman is sat at the bar. In front of her are 20 shots of clear alcohol and 20 shots of a golden brown alcohol.
She looks up gently shakes her hair in a sexy gesture and says "Okay cowboy, I'll drink the clear shots, you drink the brown ones" To which the man responds " I don't weall...

Im into both men and women but I’ve been single all my life.

Guess I’m just destined to be all bi-myself.

I said to my friend "I bet you can't name a single subject, I don't have a joke about" He said " beavers"

"damn" I replied....

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Why are people who have sex with fruit never single?

Because they cum in pears.

If every single human held hands along the equator

A large portion of them would probably drown.

Trudeau just banned single use plastics

That's the last straw

Guys, I think I'm finally ready to stop being single!!

Now, where's that damned shotgun?

What did the struggling, single mother get for Christmas?

An eviction notice.

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.

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What's the difference between a single man and a married man.

Ones spends his nights alone watching porn, being miserable.


And the other one's single.

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I realised today that as a straight male in my mid twenties, having been single for multiple years and surrounded myself with other men, I'd never taken the opportunity to take part in the tossing and rolling they did together behind closed doors. My older neighbor told me about it in 2nd grade and

I was fascinated by how far it broke from the concepts of "normalcy" I had been brought up with. He said they'd go for hours exploring with eachother, never leaving the room. Sometimes in middle school I'd walk by a class in the hall and hear a group of them grunting and huffing, occasionally lettin...

A single father needed breast milk for his infant baby and so he asked others how he could get it.

A colleague of his who was lactating offered to give her milk to the baby.

She became his breast friend.

What did Bill Cosby do for Single moms on Mother’s Day?

I tried asking them but they couldn’t remember

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

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The Single Use Time Machine

A scientist invites his friend over to his lab to ask help him decide what to do.

Scientist: So, I've invented a single use time machine and I need help deciding what to do.

Friend: Well, isn't that obvious? You've gotta kill Hitler.

Scientist: Are you sure? Think about what ...

If you’re single, happy alentine’s ay

You get no V or D

Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hits the Target.

From the lounge wife asks: "What are u doing honey?"

Husband: “MISSING YOU.”

Dating a single mother

Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

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I’m single and I have huge tits

It’s tough being a guy...

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What do you call a bisexual person who is single?

They are on standbi

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"Have you ever broken up with someone over a single character flaw?"

My ex-girlfriend and I were a perfect match.

Like Batman and Robin.

Only we didn’t solve crimes and the tight, latex outfits we owned were used in the bedroom and not on the streets.

I truly thought she was the one.

But she had one character flaw that proved too great to ...

What's the difference between Trump and a single cell organism? l.

Single cell organisms have a wall

There was a plane crash. Every single person died. Who survived?

The married couples!

There's a single line of footprints in the desert

There's a single line of footprints in the desert. A man asks Jesus why there is only one set of footprints. Jesus replies "because sand people walk in single file to conceal their numbers"

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing the other day: "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

TIL Charles XII once had an affair, about which Sabaton will be releasing a new single to celebrate the 20 years the band has been together

Its called Carolus' ex

Why was Ed single?

Because Sheeran away

I asked Siri why I was still single

She then turned on my front camera.

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How to make a messed up joke even more messed up by changing the tone of a single word:

Version 1:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died after I fucked it.

Version 2:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died AFTER I fucked it.

If single life is hard don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

You just have to weave through all the plastic

My dyslexia is a little unique. I often end up reading words backwards, without realising, and it annoys the hell out of people. I sit by my bed and pray every single night for it to go away, "maybe he'll fix it", I thought...

After all, God is a man's best friend.

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

Did you hear about the vandal who broke into the greengrocers to smash a single piece of fruit?

He got arrested for breaking a nectarine.

when I was growing up the winters were rough, my dad made us huddle round only a single candle.

if he was feeling generous he would even light it.

What do you get when you date a 28-year-old single woman?

Two Kids

I don't know why people think throwing singles at children is the new viral trend...

Hollywood's been doing it for decades.

"You must be single..."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing be...

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The single girl

A short joke, but one of my favorites.

A girl in her mid twenties goes to the supermarket. When she is done with her shopping, she begins walking towards the checkout (as you do).
At the checkout sits a guy, around her age. Short brown hair, brown eyes, a cute smile. Well, kind of an att...

A very good-looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and takes a seat.

During the course of the evening, he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man—and I mean a REALLY ugly man—walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with two of...

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That’s the very last time I’m using single ply toilet paper

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All the single ladies

I fucking hate it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend changes her facebook status to 'single'


I mean, I have arguments with my parents all the time and you don't see me changing my status to 'orphan'.

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike...

It's a vicious cycle

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business.

He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life.

One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few y...

The Communist Party changed things so that China uses single time zone.

It's always Party time.

Why are single German women so rude?

Cuz they don't have any Männer

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

When I was a single man, I had plenty of free time.

Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

Why do vampires like single proprietorship model of ownership?

Coz, they are afraid of stake-holders!

Who earns his salary without working a single day?

A night watchman

What do a married man and a single man have in common?

Each of them thinks the other one bangs all the time:D

If you want to change the world, do it while you're single

Once you're married you can't even change the TV channel

A guy says to his friend, "Did you know that today is S.A.D., Single Awareness Day?"

His friend says, "Yeah, but I thought you had a girlfriend."

First guy says, "I do. I'm just making sure you were aware that you are single."

3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line.

The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”

The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”

The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”

Why are Mathematicians always single?

Because they can’t stop talking about an x

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A former maths professor turned dentist shaved my infected tooth down into a single thin line...

I asked him, "What the hell is this?"

He replied, "A square root canal."

I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

What is the only word spelled with a single K?

Potassium!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

My son looked at me with disgust because I was putting some chickenwings and a single fly into a blender and then started to put the mixture on a piece of toast.

So I told him not to worry.

One day, he too will spread his wings and fly.

Did you hear about the guy who finished a game of golf with a single stroke?

His heart stopped and he died.

When I'm single I go straight to the farm and collect eggs

It's the best place to pick up chicks.

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Every. single. day.

I give my wife an orgasm every day, but sometimes she spits it back.

For all the single guys on this sub, my advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo who likes you, and marry her.

She knows how to make bad decisions, and then stick with it.

A single man comes home late, looks to see what is in the fridge, and goes to bed

A married man comes home late, looks to see what is in the bed, and goes to the fridge.

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

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A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

I like my single malt how I like my girls.

15 years old and mixed up with coke.

(Just a joke, I would never condone mixing single malt and coke)

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

40 years old and still single.

The son of a Billionaire was tired of his bad luck at finding a woman to marry. His father was sickly and he realized that soon he could be inheriting a fortune.

So that evening he thought of a way he could use his dad's fortune and bad health to his advantage.

He saw a beautiful woman...

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If a single stick is called a "fag", and a bundle of "fags" is called a "faggot", then what do you call a group of "faggots"?

A "subreddit"

I'm single by choice.

Women's choice.

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