After being single for ages, my best mate said, "Can I set you up?"

I said, "Go on then"

Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question."

Please form a single-file line. And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sis...

What's the difference between a double barrel shotgun and a single barrel shotgun?

The double barrel gives you more buck for your bang.

Im into both men and women but I’ve been single all my life.

Guess I’m just destined to be all bi-myself.

A game you shouldn’t play single player?

Russian Roulette

What did the struggling, single mother get for Christmas?

An eviction notice.

The Single Use Time Machine

A scientist invites his friend over to his lab to ask help him decide what to do.

Scientist: So, I've invented a single use time machine and I need help deciding what to do.

Friend: Well, isn't that obvious? You've gotta kill Hitler.

Scientist: Are you sure? Think about what ...

What did Bill Cosby do for Single moms on Mother’s Day?

I tried asking them but they couldn’t remember

Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hits the Target.

From the lounge wife asks: "What are u doing honey?"

Husband: “MISSING YOU.”

A single father needed breast milk for his infant baby and so he asked others how he could get it.

A colleague of his who was lactating offered to give her milk to the baby.

She became his breast friend.

The most beautiful woman I've ever seen came up to my table in a restaurant and asked me if I'm single...

I happily replied,

"Yess..."


She took away the extra chair in front of me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a single man and a married man.

Ones spends his nights alone watching porn, being miserable.


And the other one's single.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a bisexual person who is single?

They are on standbi

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

It’s not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.

If you’re single, happy alentine’s ay

You get no V or D

There's a single line of footprints in the desert

There's a single line of footprints in the desert. A man asks Jesus why there is only one set of footprints. Jesus replies "because sand people walk in single file to conceal their numbers"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Have you ever broken up with someone over a single character flaw?"

My ex-girlfriend and I were a perfect match.

Like Batman and Robin.

Only we didn’t solve crimes and the tight, latex outfits we owned were used in the bedroom and not on the streets.

I truly thought she was the one.

But she had one character flaw that proved too great to ...

There was a plane crash. Every single person died. Who survived?

The married couples!

TIL Charles XII once had an affair, about which Sabaton will be releasing a new single to celebrate the 20 years the band has been together

Its called Carolus' ex

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing the other day: "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How to make a messed up joke even more messed up by changing the tone of a single word:

Version 1:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died after I fucked it.

Version 2:
Q: What's the difference between my sister and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon died AFTER I fucked it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m single and I have huge tits

It’s tough being a guy...

What do you get when you date a 28-year-old single woman?

Two Kids

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Timmy was being raised by his single mother

When one day she sat him down and explains to him that she’s given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands.

It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoi...

What's the difference between Trump and a single cell organism? l.

Single cell organisms have a wall

Dating a single mother

Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game

Why was Ed single?

Because Sheeran away

when I was growing up the winters were rough, my dad made us huddle round only a single candle.

if he was feeling generous he would even light it.

Did you hear about the vandal who broke into the greengrocers to smash a single piece of fruit?

He got arrested for breaking a nectarine.

I asked Siri why I was still single

She then turned on my front camera.

There was once a zoo with only a single dog in it

It was a Shih tzu.

My dyslexia is a little unique. I often end up reading words backwards, without realising, and it annoys the hell out of people. I sit by my bed and pray every single night for it to go away, "maybe he'll fix it", I thought...

After all, God is a man's best friend.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

All the single ladies

I fucking hate it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend changes her facebook status to 'single'


I mean, I have arguments with my parents all the time and you don't see me changing my status to 'orphan'.

A single mother wakes up from a coma after giving birth to twins...

She asks the doctor "Where are my babies? I want to see my babies!"

The doctor says "Not to worry, your babies are safe and at home with your brother. You had two healthy babies, one boy, and one girl, but unfortunately I do have some bad news."

Immediately thinking the worst, the moth...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful, classy French woman sits down at the bar and asks the bartender for a single entendre...

So he fucks her.

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

If single life is hard don't worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

You just have to weave through all the plastic

The Communist Party changed things so that China uses single time zone.

It's always Party time.

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

Did you know there's not a single canary on the Canary Islands? Its true. Same as the Virgin Islands.

Not one canary.

At a restaurant a girl asked if I was single, I happily said yes

She took the other chair.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The single girl

A short joke, but one of my favorites.

A girl in her mid twenties goes to the supermarket. When she is done with her shopping, she begins walking towards the checkout (as you do).
At the checkout sits a guy, around her age. Short brown hair, brown eyes, a cute smile. Well, kind of an att...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I went to Japan on vacation, I didn't see a single ninja.

Impressive.

I don't know why people think throwing singles at children is the new viral trend...

Hollywood's been doing it for decades.

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business.

He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life.

One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few y...

Why are single German women so rude?

Cuz they don't have any Männer

"You must be single..."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing be...

A single zombie is scary, but a row of zombies forms something even scarier...

A deadline.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's **a lot** of information to swallow

A guy says to his friend, "Did you know that today is S.A.D., Single Awareness Day?"

His friend says, "Yeah, but I thought you had a girlfriend."

First guy says, "I do. I'm just making sure you were aware that you are single."

A very good-looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and takes a seat.

During the course of the evening, he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man—and I mean a REALLY ugly man—walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with two of...

I got in touch with my inner self today.

That’s the very last time I’m using single ply toilet paper

3 moles are digging underground in a single-file line.

The first mole stops digging and says, “I smell syrup!”

The second mole lifts up its head and says, “I smell honey!”

The mole in the back yells, “I smell mole-asses!”

Who earns his salary without working a single day?

A night watchman

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A former maths professor turned dentist shaved my infected tooth down into a single thin line...

I asked him, "What the hell is this?"

He replied, "A square root canal."

Why do vampires like single proprietorship model of ownership?

Coz, they are afraid of stake-holders!

When I was a single man, I had plenty of free time.

Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

If you want to change the world, do it while you're single

Once you're married you can't even change the TV channel

A single man comes home late, looks to see what is in the fridge, and goes to bed

A married man comes home late, looks to see what is in the bed, and goes to the fridge.

What is the only word spelled with a single K?

Potassium!

I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area

Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.

What do a married man and a single man have in common?

Each of them thinks the other one bangs all the time:D

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike...

It's a vicious cycle

Why are Mathematicians always single?

Because they can’t stop talking about an x

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every. single. day.

I give my wife an orgasm every day, but sometimes she spits it back.

Did you hear about the guy who finished a game of golf with a single stroke?

His heart stopped and he died.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

For all the single guys on this sub, my advice is to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo who likes you, and marry her.

She knows how to make bad decisions, and then stick with it.

When I'm single I go straight to the farm and collect eggs

It's the best place to pick up chicks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Having been propositioned by a well defined and uptown prostitute one evening, a successful single gentleman agreed to have consensual sex with the young lady for the sum of $500.00.

After the evening ended the gentleman handed the young lady $250.00. The prostitute immediately demanded the balance and threatened to sue if she didn't get it. "That's a laugh!" the man stated, "I'd like to see you try." A few days later the man was surprised to receive a summons ordering him...

40 years old and still single.

The son of a Billionaire was tired of his bad luck at finding a woman to marry. His father was sickly and he realized that soon he could be inheriting a fortune.

So that evening he thought of a way he could use his dad's fortune and bad health to his advantage.

He saw a beautiful woman...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every single time when I'm about to hug someone extremely sexy...

I hit the mirror.

My son looked at me with disgust because I was putting some chickenwings and a single fly into a blender and then started to put the mixture on a piece of toast.

So I told him not to worry.

One day, he too will spread his wings and fly.

To all of the single women out there, I on behalf of millions of other men agree that the slogan "a best way to a man's heart is his stomach"...

should not be interpreted by vegans.

I'm single by choice.

Women's choice.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

To all the single men out there - a warning

I'm telling you guys this story so you don't make the mistake I did.

I am a single guy looking for love, and yesterday I saw an ad in the 'Singles' section of the local newspaper that immediately grabbed my interest. It read like this:

​

*Single white female seeks mal...

I don't understand what's so hard about describing a single portion of a soft and sweet baked good.

Honestly, it's a piece of cake.

I know every single digit of pi!

I just don't have them in the right order.

A bus with 24 people was crossing the San Francisco bridge; when they reached the other side, not a single person was left. What happened to the people ?

They were all married.

I like my single malt how I like my girls.

15 years old and mixed up with coke.

(Just a joke, I would never condone mixing single malt and coke)

Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit.

baseball.bat

I don't like the word 'single' when referring to myself, it sounds like I'm not enough...

...when in reality I'm all too much

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was ind...

I bought a thesaurus from a thrift store. When I got home I opened it and every single page was completely blank.

I have no words to describe my anger.

Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender "Give me twenty shots of your best single-malt scotch quick!"

The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow. I never saw anybody put away scotch that fast."

The man says "Well, you wo...

My father was an Allied war hero. He single-handedly destroyed 4 Messerschmitts, 9 Heinkel bombers, and 11 Stuka dive bombers.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.

He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

As a kid in the '70s, a lot of my schoolmates expressed surprise to learn I had a single mother.

I didn't know it was that common to have more than one.

She's single... lives right across the street and I can see her place from my kitchen window! I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door!

I opened the door, she looked at me and said: “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe fool around a little....you know, have some fun. Are you doing anything tonight?"  I quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!" - "Great!" She said.   “Can you look after my dog...

What do you call a female crab who is also single?

Miss. Shell

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to a zoo and the only animal theu had was a single dog.

It was a Shitzu.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

As a fat, single, 40 year old man, I've been to alot of strip clubs.

Too bad I haven't made much money.

After being harassed by ads about hot singles that are interested in me within 1 mile, I decided to investigate.

It turns out there are a lot of hot singles in my area, but none of them are interested in me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a single stick is called a "fag", and a bundle of "fags" is called a "faggot", then what do you call a group of "faggots"?

A "subreddit"

What do you call 8 men who refuse to do a single dare?

An octopus