Before going to bed a girl says:

“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Goodnight grandad, bye grandma.”

The next day the grandma dies. The girl says again:

“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Bye grandad.”

The next day the grandad dies. The next night, the girl says:

“Goodnight Mum, bye Dad.”

When the dad get...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs...

A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”

“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few, the bl...

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."

He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

3 men go on a skiing holiday in the Alps and have to share the same bed

In the morning the following conversation takes place.

Man on left: “I had a dream last night that I got a hand job.”

Man on right: “No way, I also had a dream about that as well!”

Man in middle: “That’s funny I had a dream I was skiing.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day, Billy saw Mom jumping on Dad in bed.

During breakfast the next morning, Billy asks Mom "Why do you jump on Daddy before going to bed every night?". The Mom, looking over at Dad with a embarrased expression, says "Well, your Daddy gets very fat every night eating dinner, so I have to jump on him to get his stomach flat.". The Son says "...

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(I heard this joke in my language and found it somewhat funny, so decided to translate and post it to see if it sounds funny in English too. Sorry for poor translation). A man goes to a doctor and complains about "not being very good in bed".

So doctor gives him a medicine saying that he will see the difference if he uses it regularly.And it really works. But later, he overuses the medicine so he wants having more sex. Now, sleeping with 10, 15, even 20 girls in a day is not enough for him. He starts to fuck everyone he comes across in ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three Men are sleeping in a hotel bed. (NSFW)

When they finally wake up, they start talking about the dreams they had.

The one on the left says: “Guys, you’re never gonna believe this, I just had the dream of a lifetime! I received an amazing handjob. It was like it was being done by a professional!”

The guy on the right chimes i...

How do you make a water bed more bouncy

You add spring water

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the...

What has a mouth but never talks, runs but never walks, has a bed and never sleeps?

A river

What does it mean when a girl in your bed is gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, "Is my wife here?" His wife replies, "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you." The man goes, "Are my children here?" "Yes, Daddy, we are all here," say the children.

"Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The man sits up and says,
"Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"

A husband and wife were asleep in bed one evening when the phone rang loudly and woke them up. Annoyed, the wife crawled out of bed and picked it up.

“Hello?!” she answered with irritation. “How would I know? We live in the middle of the city, you idiot!”

She hung up the phone and fell back into bed.

“Who was that?” the husband asked groggily.

“Some stupid woman asking if the coast was clear.”

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbors dog.

The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this,” and she goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?” The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it.”

How do you get a fat chick in bed?

Piece of cake!

I asked my wife if a second woman could come in bed with us

She asked, "who was the first?"

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and it turns ou there aren't enough rooms, so they have no choice but to share a bed...

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

My girlfriend broke up with me because I don’t last long in bed.

I told her, “If you change your mind, call me. I’ll come right away.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men checked into a hotel. The clerk at the counter told them there are only one room left. Three men decided to share the bed.

Next morning, the man that slept in the right side of the bed said, "I had a really weird dream last night, I dreamed that someone jerked me off."

The man that slept in the left side said, "That's weird, I had the same dream!"

The man in the middle said, "I had a different dream, I dre...

To celebrate the end of winter, my local bed shop is having a spring sale.

The rest of the bed is still full price though.

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

They push twins together to make a king.

A husband on his death bed

Jane and Roy had been married for 40 years. They lived frugally and never had any children. Everything they owned was paid for.
Roy kept all of his money in cash at home. He always talked about how he was going to take his money with him when he died. Always saying he wanted all of his money put...

What did Michael Jackson say to the boy in bed?

Just beat it

A girl is looking in the mirror feeling very self-conscious about her body. She tells her boyfriend laying on the bed that she feels fat and if he could give her a compliment to feel better.

The boyfriend says “Your eyesight is perfect.”

What do beds and Game of Thrones have in common?

Put 2 twins together and you get a king.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man and his wife are in bed. After lying silently for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “Seven points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”

​

The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”

​

A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”

​

After about five minutes the...

A mother called the doctor about her teenage daughter. "She refuses to eat anything but yeast and car wax. Now she's lying in bed asleep and I can't wake her. What should I do?" "There's nothing to worry about." said the doctor,

"she'll rise and shine soon enough..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man escapes from prison where he's been for 15 years. He breaks in to a house looking for money, guns, and/or a car, instead he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the husband out of the bed and ties him to a chair. After tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her and kisses her neck, then goes in to the bathroom. At which time the husband tells his wife:

"Honey, this man's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! I saw the way he kissed...

A girl in work was a bit rude earlier, she said I look like I'd be boring in bed.

So I told her she should ask her sister ;).

"Haha, I haven't got a sister" she proclaims.

"I know" I said, "you will in 9 months".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's j...

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She crawled into bed with me, sat on top of me, and bit my ear...

It was my cat. She wanted more fucking food.

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the...

A man jumps on a bed

A man jumps on a bed expecting it to be soft and fluffy...

\*Wham!\*
Instead he experienced a very firm landing.
\*Owww!\*
I think this memory foam has amnesia!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstair...

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A man came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man to the shed and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, removed the handle and picked up a hacksaw...

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The husband said "No, you are. I'm setting the shed on fire."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife are lying in bed.

A man and his wife are lying in bed reading, when the man suddenly asks his wife: "Honey, can you tell me something that will both make me happy and sad at the same time?". Without looking up from her book she replies: "You have a bigger dick than all your friends."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Kinky in Bed

I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said "I'm feeling kinky!Turn off the light and stick it in my ass!"

As soon as I did, she screamed!

I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first.

Don’t know if you should get a bed

Maybe you should sleep on it

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My German girlfriend likes to rate my in-bed performance from 0-10

Last night we tried anal, she kept yelling 9. That's the best I’ve ever done!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you stop black kids bouncing on their beds?

Velcro the ceiling

A farmer is sitting in bed with his wife

He reaches over and playfully squeezes her breast and says “you know, if we could get these to work, we could get rid of the milking cow”
She reaches down between his legs and says “yes, and if you could get this to work, we could get rid of the farm hand”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On his death bed, an old jew says to his wife:

Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.

When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.

And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.

I'm starting to think you're ...

I just lasted 61 mins in bed a new record!

Thanks Daylight savings time...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and...

I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses on last night...

My dreams never have been clearer.

A kid gets out of his bed at night as he can't sleep...

He walks into his parents room and see's them going at it. Visibly shocked, he asks whats going on. His Dad just laughs and says “go back to your room I'll come and talk to you in 20 mins”.

20 mins later his Dad walks into his room and see's the young lad banging his grandma. The kid looks ...

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Sheet..

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When to my girlfriend’s place last night and her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together in the same bed

It’s a shame, he is really handsome and sexy!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple were in bed. The wife had turned over to go to sleep but the man decided to read. After a minute he stopped, put his hand between his wife’s legs and fondled her.

Then he stopped and went back to reading his book. As he did so, his wife turned round, sat up and took off her nightdress. “What are you doing that for?” asked her husband. “Well, after what you’ve just done, I thought you were keen for some sex.”

“Oh no, not at all,” he replied.

“Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, there's this guy, laying in a hospital bed...

No legs, no arms, tube fed, ugly as hell, skin with red and black spots, bad breath, broken teeth and a ridiculous small dick.

Suddenly a gorgeous nurse passes by and he shouts:

HEY NURSE! I LIKE YOUR TITS, BLOW ME!!

A priest, near him said:

*My son, you shouldn't say tho...

Arriving home from a shopping trip, a wife was horrified to find her husband in bed with a pretty girl.

Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out: ‘Before you go, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired. I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had for...

Before I go to bed, I always drink some ti

I like to end the day on a high note

What’s time does Andy Murray go to bed?

Tennish

A programmer goes to bed and puts two glasses next to him. One - with water, if he feels thirsty

One - without, if he does not.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken rolls over, lights up a cigarette and says “Well, I guess that answers that question.”

why will you never hear a vegan moan in bed ?

she'll never admit she's enjoying a piece of meat...

My girl likes to pretend she's 13 when we're in bed together

Which i told her is pointless & weird, because she'll be 13 next year.

How do you turn a normal sofa into a sofa bed?

Forget your girlfriend's birthday

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.....

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, ...

The priest told me to lay on the bed

Once I lied down, he tied me up, looked me straight in the eyes and said: "Do NOT ever, ever tell anyone about this".

And then he stole my bike

How do you keep your wife from smoking in bed?

Use lube

An old man was on his death bed.

He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."


At the funeral, each man put an envelo...

An old man lay dying in his bed.

In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself ...

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes...

A married couple are lying in bed one night...

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(NSFW) Three men and a bed

Three guys walk into a motel and find out there is only one room with only one bed. Since it's the only motel in town, the guys decide to share the bed. They get to their room, squeeze in, and fall asleep. 
The next morning, the guy on the left side of the bed wakes up and says, "I had the crazie...

Im opening a Russian import store to compete with Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Lenins & more

When Christopher Hitchens was on his death bed he called for a priest...

And converted him into an atheist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple are in bed one morning.

"I had a really good dream last night,” says the wife. “I dreamt that I was at a penis auction. Long dicks were going for $100 each and thick dicks were going for $200.”

“Really?” says the husband. “What would mine have fetched?”

“They were giving dicks like yours...

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "thank you" is all I need.

Not all this "how did you get in my house??!!!" business.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man wakes up in a hospital bed.

The nurse says “I have terrible news, you won’t be able to feel anything from the waist down” The man says “OK, can I feel your tits?”

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh."

The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife.

"Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

A haiku about getting out of bed in the morning

I came up with this one myself, here's the haiku:

​

No no no no no

No no no no no no no

No no no no no

My dyslexia is a little unique. I often end up reading words backwards, without realising, and it annoys the hell out of people. I sit by my bed and pray every single night for it to go away, "maybe he'll fix it", I thought...

After all, God is a man's best friend.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An older man and his wife are laying in bed

At one point the man farts and says "touchdown, 7 points". The wife looks at him confused and says "what was that?" the old man replies "i farted and got a touchdown. Its 7-0, I'm winning." the wife, thinking shes caught on, then farts and says "touchdown, tie game".

The old man after a few ...

My dad told me to get out of bed and go to school.

I said no because I couldn't take this lying down!

Why did Anakin Skywalker hate bed time?

Because that's when the sandman came.

And not just the sand man but the sand woman and and children too

Normal People: "Alright, time to go to bed."

Insomniacs: "Let's yeet these sheets!"

A man who worked two jobs, archery manufacturing and mailman, was well known for his prowess in bed.

He could make them quiver when he delivered.

What did bo-peep say to woody when he caught her in bed with buzz?

You’ve got a friend in me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time and Julie whispers, "I should warn you, Ted, I've got acute angina."

Ted responds, "Your breasts aren't bad either!"

In my twenties I would never go to bed with an ugly girl

I would only wake up with them

A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's tho...

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My (now) ex and I were watching 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire while we were in bed'...

I asked if she wanted to have sex.
She shook her head and said, "No."
I asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time and said, "Yes.."
I said, "Then, I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how to turn a girlfriend into an ex instantly.

When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...

Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

An old married couple is laying in bed one night

And the woman turns to the man and says, "we're both old so one of us is going to die soon, but if I die first are you going to remarry?"

The man says, "No no, I will never remarry you're the only one for me."

But the wife insists and she says, "no I want you to remarry if I die, but t...

Went up to bed last night and started pulling off my boxers.

My wife said "You really spoil those dogs".

-Jed Stone.

What does Eddie Vedder like to wear to bed?

his pearl jammies of course!

My galfriend and I role play "The Fast and the Furious" in bed.

Me and her, respectively.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse in a mental institution goes to check on Charlie, one of the inmates and finds him sitting up in bed, pretending to drive a car. She asks, "Are you okay Charlie?" Charlie replies, "I can't talk right now! I'm busy driving to London for a meeting!"

So the nurse closes the door and goes to check on Bob in the next room.

She finds Bob sitting up in his bed, wanking furiously.

"Bob, what are you doing?!" asks the nurse.

Bob grunts, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife! He's gone to London for a meeting!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married couple was laying in bed one night

A married couple was laying in bed one night, when the wife turned to the husband and asks,

"What do you like best about me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

The husband turns to her and says,

"I like your sense of humor the best"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

It was bedtime at Micheal Jackson’s house

Wade didn’t want to go to bed so MJ said ok how about I show you a magic trick first, will you go to bed after?
Wade agreed
They had a shower and sat on the edge of the bed in their gowns.
MJ Said ok now for the magic trick, come here and sit on my lap...
Young Wade sits on his lap. <...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What sits at the end of your bed and takes the piss?

A kidney dialysis machine!

Every morning, I stay in bed until I've watched Toy Story all the way through from start to finish.

That way I always wake up with a morning Woody.

I gently got into bed beside her, kissed her neck and whispered, "That number you gave me at the bar tonight…"

…doesn't exist."

An engineer and a mathematician.

An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep.

A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father having trouble in bed

A father is in for his daily check up, and the doctor comes back to him saying

“Everything seems to be good, anything troubling you?”

The father replies,”Well.... you see recently me and the wife have been having some trouble when we try to get it on, mostly it me not being able to kee...

A four bed room has four strangers arrive for the night, three of them open a bottle of vodka and begin to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, they begin to tell political jokes. The fourth stranger gets up from his bed and goes downstairs, he asks the hostess to make tea and bring it to room 67

In ten minutes, he then returns to the room and joins the others, five minutes later he leans down to the electric socket in the wall and says 'Comrade General tea to room 67 please' then the hostess walks in with the tea, the party dies a sudden death and the fourth stranger finally gets some sleep...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Steve comes home early to find his best friend naked in bed with his wife having sex.

“Bob! I mean, come on man! I expected it from her, but you and I have been friends since grade school. We played football together. You were the best man at my wedd.. could you two at least stop while I’m talking?”

Meatballs told Spaghetti to go to bed..

..because it was pasta bedtime.

Hi Steve

This is Peter next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you kn...

My wife told me these types of blanktes she is ordering perfectly cover our bed. I replied,

"Oh duvet?"

"You've woken up on the wrong side of the bed," said my wife.

"Shut up," I replied, "and get this mattress off me."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I found my best friend hiding under the bed sheets with my wife when I got home from work.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

He said, "Oh, I was just trying to get some sleep."

"You live next door," I replied. "How many fucking times do I have to remind you?"

A guy gets in bed with girl

"I'm first time doing this, what should i do."

"Don't worry I know everithing. Just stick it in."

"Ok now pull it out"

"Now back in"

"Now back out"


"Damm girl i think you don't know it either"

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed...

Let her keep sleeping.