A newly wed couple are in bed together

A newly wed couple are in bed together.
The wife reaches over to grab her husband.

"Oh my God, it's so big" she said.

The husband gave a pleased hum.

"Are they all this big?" She asked.

"More or less," he said.

"It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed.
<...

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My wife wanted to try a new technique in bed called "the Gordon Ramsay"

It's fucking raw

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage...

when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the...

How do you make a water bed bouncier?

You use spring water.

Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?

An ill eagle immigrant...

I'm in bed, looking up at the stars and think to myself...

"Where the hell did my ceiling go?"

Farting in bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husbands habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke the noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would ple...

A man told his wife he wanted to try out something new in bed that he had seen on the internet.

They started making love as normal, then all of a sudden he froze and stayed perfectly still.

His wife asked him what the hell he was doing.

The man replied, "Apparently it's called buffering."

When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be

"You guys want to see a dead body?"

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I woke up to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid, I was petrified!

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

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A married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and fondle her pussy. He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minutes later, he would repeat the action.

The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her h...

I woke up to a dozen ants crawling all over my body this morning because i left a snickers bar wrapper in my bed from the night before, i killed a couple but then i felt bad so I've let them make me their home.

They are now my tenants.

A man and a woman are lying in bed late night...

...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?

He goes undercover.

When you really have to pee but can't find the energy to get out of bed

You are in hiburination.

"The secret to getting practically any girl into bed," my friend said, "is to put a potato in your underwear."

Yeah. Great. Except he didn't say it needs to go in the front.

How would Metallica be called if they sold beds?

Nothing else matress

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What did Gordon Ramsay say when he caught a clown in bed with the Egyptian Sun God?

IT's fucking Ra

Never go to bed angry

Stay up all night... plotting.

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet

You're on your death bed and You're known as a practical joker in the family. What do you say as your last joke with your dying breath?

The cornyer the better!!

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Last night in bed, as I gazed up at the stars, I thought to myself...

Where the fuck is my roof?

A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. She comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself

The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up ... you're next!"

if i make you breakfast in bed a simple “thank you” is all i need.

not all this “how did you get in to my house?” business

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

What does a priest do every night before bed?

Prey

Kevin with his mistress on the bed

"You should leave now. My husband is coming back soon", said the woman.

"Don't worry, I've got my trained smart horse outside. If I just blow a whistle and jump out the window, it would catch me easily", smiled Kevin.

Then someone knocked at the door.

In a panic, Kevin blowed a ...

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

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As I lay in bed, gently nodding off, I felt a warm hand slip inside my boxer shorts and gently start to caress...

...my balls.


It was very nice, but I wasn't in the mood.


"Not tonight, honey," I mumbled. "I'm too tired."


"It fucking doesn't quite work like that in here." rasped my cellmate.

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Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth.

"Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other... she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly, "Thanks for that, it wa...

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A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

I went to a haunted bed and breakfast in France. I left....

the place was giving me the crepes..

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As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.

“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.”

“Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.”

“It is,” I said.

“No, it isn’t,” she said.

“You know...

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I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed this morning.

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

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I was in bed last night with my wife...

I was in bed last night with my wife. She turns to me and says "If you turn the lamp off, I'll take it up the arse."

I should have waited for the bulb to cool down.

A very old couple are lying naked in bed, and the wife asks, "What would you do if I started smoking?"

He replies, "Slow down and use some lube."

What do you call a donkey sleeping on an elevated bed

An ascot

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A military officer by the name of Major Bed had arrived in Thailand for an undercover job...

For the job to be an utmost success, he needed to get plastic surgery to change his identity a bit as well as a new ID. He found a renowned doctor who also made fake ID's and made an appointment for the next day.

After he made the appointment, he had the full day to fuck around so he decided ...

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you'...

How do you get a fat chick into bed?

Piece of cake.

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home.

He smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven...

A man is on his dying bed, and wishes to confess something to his wife...

He says "my love, I must tell you something I've been holding in a long time..."

"Shhhh, it's okay, my love, you need to rest."

"But I have to tell you, I cannot hold it in any longer"

"It's okay, my love", she said, "you will soon be at peace and it does not matter....

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A man and his wife are fast asleep in bed when the phone rings...

The man picks up, listens for a second and says, 'How the hell would I know, you idiot? I'm not a weatherman,' before slamming down the receiver. 'Who was that?' asks his wife. 'Wrong number. It was some jerk asking if the coast was clear.'

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

An old man lay on his death bed upstairs when he caught a wiff

An old man lay dying in bed upstairs in his room when he thought he caught a wiff of his wife's chocolate chip cookies wafting through the air.

Man, he thought to himself, if I could have just one more of my wife's cookies I could die a happy man.

As he lay there thinking about the s...

My girlfriend turned to me in bed and threw this curveball at me.

She asked, "Would you ever consider adoption?"

I said, "Only if you got pregnant."

I was smoking an e-cigarette in bed and fell asleep.

I woke up to find my whole house was on the internet.

A patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of a recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

“I can’t be sure what’s wrong with you,” the doctor said. “I think it’s the drinking.”

“Okay,” the patient said. “Can we get an opinion from a doctor who’s sober?”

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Billy and his girlfriend wanted to fool around in bed, but Billy's little brother was asleep in the bottom bunk...

Billy said, "Let's use a code, so if little Johnny wakes up, he doesn't know what's going on. If you want me to go harder, say 'Tomato,' and if you want me to go faster, say 'Lettuce.'"
So Billy and his girlfriend started having sex. Billy's girlfriend started moaning, "Lettuce.... Tomato...." An...

I asked my wife if a second woman could come in our bed

She said, "maybe you should start with one"

Cake or Bed

A husband is home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks.”



He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have G.E. written on my forehead? I don’t think so.” ...

My dog likes to hump her bed

Yeah, she likes it ruf

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A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and stands at the foot of his bed next to his wife who is reading...

"See here, this is what I have sex with every time you have a headache." said the farmer.

"Honey, I do believe that is a sheep you are holding." said the wife.

"I do believe I wasn't talking to you." said the farmer.

My neighbour is a clown for childrens parties. Evertime I turn my back to get ready for bed, he sneaks into my house in full costume and starts banging my wife. I can see them, in the mirror, going at it while I'm brushing my teeth.

They keep on telling me that I'll look back and laugh at it one day.

Son: “Dad, can I sleep in your bed tonight? I’m scared...”

Dad: “No, son. I can’t risk the monster following you in here.”

An Irish Republican Army soldier lies on his death bed.

One day, an IRA soldier lies on his death bed, dying of cancer. It's spread too far and couldn't be stopped. The doctor gave him his diagnosis, and only three days to live.

"Quick Moira," he says to his loving wife. "Enroll me as a member of the Ulster Volunteer Force."

"But why?" She...

This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning.

He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man." So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded dif...

So the chicken and the egg are lying in bed together.

The chicken leans back and lights a cigarette and says “well, that answers that question.”

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A guy is lying on his bed naked, watching TV.

His girlfriend walks in and starts smacking him on the ass.
“What are you doing?” he asks her.
“I always wanted to learn to play the bongos,” she quips.
He replies, “Wait, let me roll over and I’ll teach you how to play the flute.”

James Bond is fast asleep in bed when suddenly there is an earthquake!

He is shaken but not stirred.

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A farmer is lying in bed with his wife....

when he turns to her grabs her tits and says

"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says

"Honey...

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My wife and I were watching

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phon...

What inspires you to get out of bed every day?

My bladder mostly.

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A woman is lying in bed and the husband brings a pig into the bedroom

Husband: "This is the pig I have to fuck when you've a 'headache'!"

Wife: "This is disgusting, take that thing out of our bedroom!"

"Husband: "I wasn't talking to you".

How do you train your kids to stop wetting the bed?

Have them use an electric blanket.

I'll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed

"I am your Father"

Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end.

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Husband on his death bed calls his wife and tells her, when I die make sure you marry my cousin.

Confused, the wife asks "why?".

"many years ago that bastard sold me a faulty car"...

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You should never take Viagra before bed

It'll keep you up all night.

A man gets home early from work and catches his wife in bed with another man...

The husband challenges the other man to an old fashioned duel with his hand guns, whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other gets his wife. The other man agrees, so they go into another room so the wife doesn't have to see it. Once in the other room, the husband turns to the other man and say...

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An elderly couple were going to bed...

The old woman, wanting to spice up their love life, tied her robe around like a cape and came out of the bathroom yelling "Super Pussy!!!".

The old man says, "I'll have the soup."

A man wakes up handcuffed to a bed in the hospital with his eye swollen shut and a terrible headache.

After several minutes of confusion a police officer comes into the room.

What happened officer? Last thing I remember was trying to order a beer at the-

When the officer interrupts him: wait a minute? What Kind of beer did you order?

The man sits there flashing back to the mom...

A lamb hovered at the foot of my bed, then disappeared, as I lay frozen in fear.

Sometimes I get sheep paralysis.

"This macaroni keeps sliding around my kitchen counter by itself, and I keep finding it at the foot of my bed at night", my brother told me.

"Man, this is some creepy pasta" I replied.

I really needed to go early to bed, but I thought I could play just one more game.

Then it dawned on me.

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

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Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football t...

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A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

My new girlfriend told me I'm horrible in bed.

It's unfair to make that judgement in less than a minute.

Police were questioning a man after he murdered his wife after catching her in bed with another man,

they asked him why he didn't kill her lover instead; he replied "It was easier to kill one woman rather than a different man every week."

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Old man Richard goes to bed

As Richard closed his eyes and dozed off, he suddenly found himself standing in front Heaven's Gates. Stunned in disbelief, Richard approaches Saint Peter in a panic.

"St. Peter! What happened, why am I in Heaven?"

"Well Richard, you've passed away in your sleep. From now on, the Gates...

I asked my wife when we first met which side of the bed she likes to sleep on.

"The top" she said.

What's the difference between a queen and a king sized bed?

A king is slightly larger but a queen may move as far as it can in any direction.

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille's Remy hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

I was offered a job making beds in a hotel!

I had to turn them down..

So I was visiting the mental hospital

and I said to the doctor "How do you find out if someone needs to come here, then?" and he said "Oh, we set them a simple test. We take them into the bathroom and we show them a bath full of water, and we say we want them to empty it and we offer them a choice between a teaspoon, a coffee cup or a b...

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

I've reduced my wine consumption to just one glass before bed

I went to bed 7 times last night

Slightly NSFW joke

Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female)

Maid: I need a raise

Owner: you already have got a raise

Maid: that was 18 months ago

Owner: why do you then deserve this raise?

Maid: I am better than you in many things

Owner: ok tell me

Maid...

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There's this old couple, and every morning as he wakes up, the man lets out an unbelievably loud fart in bed.

The wife has been putting up with this for years, and is very annoyed by it. She keeps telling him, "One day, you're going to fart your guts out." The man laughs it off and continues to wake his wife up with a fart every morning. Then, Thanksgiving rolls around. The wife gets up early to prepare the...

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

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Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

As our passion began to heat up
she said, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT?! What was that?!”

She said, “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my pu...

I remember being a kid, just laying in bed, waiting for Santa Claus to come....

Then that awkward silence when he got dressed and left....

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The first thing I do after waking up every morning is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

"Someone slept on my bed" -Said Mommy Bear

"Who hasn't " -Muttered Daddy Bear

A man came home and found his wife in bed with another man.

He challenged the stranger to a duel. They walked into another room and closed the door. Then the man said to the stranger, "Why should any of us die? Let's both shoot into the air, then we fall to the floor and wait. She will sprint in. To whomever she will rush, let that man have her." The strange...

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One guy is in bed with a woman, when he hears her husband's footsteps

The woman tells him to get his clothes and jump out the window. He complains because it's raining a lot but, having to other option, he jumps out and falls in the middle of the street, where a marathon is taking place.

Trying to go unnoticed, he joins the runners and starts running too. Every...

I wanted to surprise my crush today by making her breakfast in bed

Hmph. Not even a thank you. All she kept saying was "How the hell did you get inside the house?"

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A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."

He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

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Her: “Sex last night was ok.” Him: “Sex last night was so hot, we set the bed on fire!”

Fact vs. Friction

My Dad put together my bed recently without any hex nuts,

It fell apart within a few days, I asked my dad why he didn't put them on.

"Its November."

I recently put poison ivy in the bed of a guy that I don't like.

It was a rash decision on my part.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

I guess I shouldn’t have eaten so much sash.

They say that you can tell how a man is in bed by how he dances.

You can clearly tell I am white, awkward, and do alot of dancing alone.

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "...

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If bedbugs live in beds...

Where do cockroaches live?

A man dies and goes to hell.

There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one.

First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will ...

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Bunk bed

A Boyfriend texts his Girlfriend saying "Hey babe you wanna come over and have sex?" Girlfriend texts back "Duh!" So the girl goes over her Boyfriends house, and right before they get into it, he sets the boundaries. "Ok, so my little brother is home, and I have bunk beds. He's on the bottom bunk....

I'm thinking about staying in bed to watch a movie with my girlfriend

Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?

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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed,

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by her saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know...

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Gandhi

Did you know that Gandhi used to have hot young women sleep naked in his bed with him? The idea was that he could conquer his baser desires and prove his self-control by abstaining from sex with them.

I tried a similar thing by leaving half a box of Double Stuff Oreos on my counter, and I gue...

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A little boy is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

"MUM," the boy yells at the top of his voice, "I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!"

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests...

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I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes ...

I made a mistake when making the bed in the morning. My girlfriend went crazy.

Bad sheet crazy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Brenda was desperately trying to get her co-worker, Yuhap, into bed. He finally agreed to go on a date. After a few drinks she made her move on Yuhap. He said he wasn’t interested in anything physical. She was so turned on that she offered him $500 to sleep with her. He got offended and left.

She learned an important lesson. Money won’t buy Yuhap penis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man lying in bed didnt know if he had to poop or pass gas

So he took a shart in the dark

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