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Get In Touch Jokes

What's the best way to get in touch with your inner self

Cheep toilet paper

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

My wife said that I should get in touch with my feminine side.

So I crashed the car.

Then I ignored her all day for no reason.

Why can't any of the others elements ever get in touch with Sodium?

Because it's always NA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and requests 'A pint of beer and a pork pie please'

The barman is aghast. A talking duck! 'Wow, where did you come from?' he asks.

'I work across the road at the building site' replies the duck annoyed. He ruffles his newspaper and begins to read. The barman is in sh...

A Soviet archeology team is in Egypt on an expedition

They come across a pyramid and inside it is a mummy. Unfortunately, they can't determine who the mummy is. They get in touch with the NKVD who arrive a few hours later in the form of three hulking men carrying briefcases. The NKVD goons go inside the pyramid. After a few hours they come out.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two aliens land on Earth in the middle of nowhere near a gas station and one of them gets out to make first contact.

He goes to the gas pump and says "Hello, we're from outer space, and we'd like to establish relations, how can I find your leader?"

Obviously, the pump doesn't respond so the alien is rather annoyed by such rudeness but he tries again.

"Yeah so we're just trying to get in touch with yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another fancy dress party joke [NSFW]

Three Italian mobsters are invited to the Don's costume party. The Don isn't your typical Don, though. He has been seeing a shrink lately, and to help his goons get in touch with their emotions he's asked them all to dress as an emotion.

Not wanting to disappoint the Don, the goons go out of ...

Why did the psychic chicken cross the road?

To get in touch with the other side.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[This one is better if you can act it out in person] A guy walks into a bar...

...sits down at the bar, gets a drink, and then begins poking at the palm of his hand before holding it to the side of his face and having a conversation with...apparently no one...for several minutes.

The bartender's weirded out by this, so he approaches the man as soon as his 'episode' is o...

You think people dont care about you and you are alone?

Dont pay the rent for few months or the money you owe a bank - im sure someone will get in touch with you

Why do mediums drink?

To get in touch with spirits.

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I am very determined.

Interviewer: That is the number one strength to have in our company. We'll get in touch with you when we make our decision.

Me: Great! I'll just wait here then!

A man goes to a Buddhist retreat

A man goes to a Buddhist retreat to get in touch with his spiritual side. While there he takes part in meditation, gardening, running and listening to music. He also notices a group of monks doing some strange things. Every day the monks would spend the morning digging holes, putting up posts, ...

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting for a particularly slow group of golfers one morning

The engineer was pretty angry:
"What about them? We have to wait here for 15 minutes!"
The doctor agrees:
"I don't know, but I've never seen such an inability!"
The pastor said:
"Hey, here comes the groundsman. Let's talk to him! Hey, George, what about this one?
The group in fr...

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