My wife said that I should get in touch with my feminine side.

So I crashed the car.

Then I ignored her all day for no reason.

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

I didn't know I was going to get in touch with my inner self...

Why did I buy single ply toilet paper.

Why can't any of the others elements ever get in touch with Sodium?

Because it's always NA.

Why did the psychic chicken cross the road?

To get in touch with the other side.

You think people dont care about you and you are alone?

Dont pay the rent for few months or the money you owe a bank - im sure someone will get in touch with you

A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting for a particularly slow group of golfers one morning

The engineer was pretty angry:
"What about them? We have to wait here for 15 minutes!"
The doctor agrees:
"I don't know, but I've never seen such an inability!"
The pastor said:
"Hey, here comes the groundsman. Let's talk to him! Hey, George, what about this one?
The group in fr...

The little man in the hat. (OC)

There was the short man, about 2-3 ft tall, who had a tall pointy red hat and a big white beard. He would walk around subways and metros and find those people who sit on the ground play music for money.

This man would go up to them and start to stomp and clap a beat for them. Most of the tim...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and requests 'A pint of beer and a pork pie please'

The barman is aghast. A talking duck! 'Wow, where did you come from?' he asks.

'I work across the road at the building site' replies the duck annoyed. He ruffles his newspaper and begins to read. The barman is in sh...

A man goes to a Buddhist retreat

A man goes to a Buddhist retreat to get in touch with his spiritual side. While there he takes part in meditation, gardening, running and listening to music. He also notices a group of monks doing some strange things. Every day the monks would spend the morning digging holes, putting up posts, ...

Why do mediums drink?

To get in touch with spirits.

Many years ago I had stopped in to bring my girlfriend...

.....some pizza while she was babysitting.

We received a call that her grandmother had been taken to the hospital, so I agreed to watch the children, so she could meet her family at the hospital.

Well, the parents were at a movie and these were the days before cell phones, so I couldn’...

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I am very determined.

Interviewer: That is the number one strength to have in our company. We'll get in touch with you when we make our decision.

Me: Great! I'll just wait here then!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another fancy dress party joke [NSFW]

Three Italian mobsters are invited to the Don's costume party. The Don isn't your typical Don, though. He has been seeing a shrink lately, and to help his goons get in touch with their emotions he's asked them all to dress as an emotion.

Not wanting to disappoint the Don, the goons go out of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old widow was searching for love

...when she decided to move her search online. There, she found an old man about her age, who had also lost his spouse years earlier. They exchanged a few messages and decided to meet one day in a park. Upon meeting, they both realized that they were extremely compatible and started talking about ta...

A Dr. was trying to call his patient...

A Dr. was trying to call his patient all afternoon. The phone would ring and ring and ring. The next day he tries calling again, starting at 8am, hoping to catch them before work. Finally around noon they answer.

The Dr. is relieved, and says "I have some good news and bad news, which do you...

Not much of a joke but a parody of American Pie for the events happening today

I know it won't be the best and probably has been done before but feel free to continue it on since I only did the first verse.


A long long time ago

I can still remember how Reddit used to make me smile,
And I knew if I had my chance,
That I could make those people dance,
...

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