Think you know everything about the letter t?

That's just the half of it.

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

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The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the d...

An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability

Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit

My mom says I have no sense of direction.

I don't know where she's coming from with that.

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men wash up on a island populated by an ancient tribe.

The tribe leader brings the men to the center of the tribe village, and instructs them to harvest 20 of the same fruit and return before sundown.

The first man returns with 20 bananas.

“Now.” Said the Tribe leader. “Stick each banana up your arse whilst maintaining a straight face. Do ...

I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hou...

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

In the past the poor had horses and the rich had cars. Now the poor have cars and only the rich have horses...

My how the stables have turned!

I’m freaking out right now! I found a dead body in the trunk of my car!

Where the hell did the other one go?!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The son comes home with an ear piercing in his left ear. The father looks at him and says:

- Son, there are two types of men who have a earing.
Gays and pirates.
Now i'm gonna look out this window and you better hope i see a ship

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

I know now why Trump wants to build a wall

It's been years since he managed to erect anything

With all the bad things happenning in america right now,

you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He's not breathing so his friend calls 911. 'My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Ok, now what?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Take most Ford and most Dodge models...now put the word Anal in front of the model name

Anal charger, Anal challenger, Anal expedition, Anal Fiesta...

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

Abortion is now illegal

So... I guess I’m an antivax parent

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

A thief sticks a gun into a man’s ribs and says, “Give me your money, now!”

The man, shocked by the sudden attack, replies, “You can’t do this to me. I’m a congressman!”

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The thief replies, “Oh, well in that case, give me my money!”

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

My diet plan has finally paid off! I have the body of a super hero now...

I have the body of Thor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[nsfw] When HBO launches a show they trademark all the possible porn names. They now own...

“Game of bones”, “Dothraki Bukaki”, “Ass High in the shadow” and of course “Two Cleganes one Bowl”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pornhub is now donating money to bee preservation for every video you watch on their new site...

I guess I’m gonna go single-handedly save the bees!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I now only have what I call “hallway” sex

We pass each other in the hallway,..fuck you!,..fuck you!

I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.

She said, "That's a stupid name."

I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”

I know he means well.

So apparently there is now a social awareness group that formed to protect corpses from necrophiliacs!

#MeTomb

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

So McDonalds now have ‘The Alabama Chicken’

Even the chicken is inbred

People are so sensitive now-a-days.

People are so sensitive now-a-days. You can’t even say “black paint.” Instead you gotta say,” Jamal, will you please paint the fence?”

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes int...

I used to by my dad a neck tie on father's day, but now I buy him an Asian hooker.

It's better to buy a Thai that he'll actually use.

Rihanna is now a fan of the Kansas City Royals.

They don't beat anyone.

I'm now an antivaxxer...

Because studies show that 100% of vaccinated people die

We've all seen the news, so hurry up and get your abortion jokes out now

It's going to get uncomfortable if the subject isn't terminated within about 6 weeks from now

I probably shouldn't be driving right now...

but bad brakes haven't stopped me before.

I used to date a girl called Lorraine but now i'm with Clara.

I can see Clara now Lorraine has gone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

What is Mozart doing now?

DeComposing

Remember when plastic surgery was taboo? Now you mention Botox,

No one even raises their eyebrow.

I was being interviewed for a job the other day. One of the questions was 'Where do you see your self 12 months from now?'.

I said 'I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision'.

Star gazing isn’t very fun

I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see

You know who's the best character in the Game of Thrones show right now?

It *Varys*

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

I've suffered from terrible nightmares for years now

Not once have they disturbed my sleep. At this point, I don't think they're even trying to be frightening.

When I was 6, my sister was half my age. Now I’m 70, how old is my sister?

3. My mother became anti-vaxx.

If i had a penny for every Donald Trump joke made right now

I would have a pence

What would Elvis be doing if he was alive right now?

Clawing at the inside of his coffin

Wife: oh, I better not get any more food. Husband: No, fill up your plate baby. Remember, you're eating for two now.

Dinner guests: ooh? Expecting?

Husband: **looks at them puzzled as his wife starts regurgitating food down his throat**

The smartphone is now the number one hand-held unit among women

and second among men.

A doctor recently told me that I have cancer and now he's saying that I also have dementia.

At least I don't have cancer.

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then...

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then. She felt hungry one morning and went to her kitchen to make a ham and cheese toastie.

She thought this would be a good time to practise using her left hand. However things didn't go well: she cut her f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Elon Musk: Tesla cars now have full self driving capabilities.

PornHub: "Tinder date comes in me in a Tesla on autopilot"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I made a stop smoking pact, so now we only light up after sex and I've only had six cigarettes in the last two months

my wife is up to three packs a day

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, I've been dating this one girl for a while now, and I've recently realized that she's been looking at me like a piece of meat.

This would be ok if it was sexual, but she's vegan.

A mother called the doctor about her teenage daughter. "She refuses to eat anything but yeast and car wax. Now she's lying in bed asleep and I can't wake her. What should I do?" "There's nothing to worry about." said the doctor,

"she'll rise and shine soon enough..."

Ha! So I just got this and now I'm dying of laughter.

Kuru. I got kuru.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this couple had a huge fight and now they are so pissed they will only talk to each other by writing notes.

At one point. The man wrote a note to her wife: I have a very important appointment tommorow, wake me up at 7:30.

The wife reply by writing a note: ''Ok, fine!''

The following morning, the man wakes up, and watch his phone: 9:00!

He was super pissed. When he go up, he saw a note...

My girlfriend's birthday is the same day as my grandpa's. So now i don't know to which party I should go.

On the one hand, it is the person to whom I lost my virginity. But, on the other, I believe I should also go to my girlfriend's birthday.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man tells his wife "you've been watching the food channel for years and you're still one of the worst cooks I know..."

"Honey," she replies, "for how many years you've been watching porn?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.

All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.

News just in that American teachers will now be armed with 9mm Glocks.

Librarians will be issued silencers.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

The CIA is now on Instagram...

the least you can do it follow them back.

Im no longer an 18 yr old virgin!

Im a 19 yr old virgin now...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

100K people are having sex right now.

75,000 are kissing

50,000 are hugging

And you? Well, you're reading this.

^(Trust me, I'm not happy about this either)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I always wanted to know why people kept selling their sperm, now I know the answer…

It’s cause sex cells

I broke up with my video game console, now it's my ex-box

Nothing personal, it was just time for a switch

Tonight, I’m uploading an illegal copy of Microsoft Office for anybody to access

Just wait until Word gets out...




I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to get it out of my system. Thank you, Reddit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

Earlier today, while I was leaving the supermarket, a guy came in crying and in a mess. He told me he lost his rent money in the supermarket and has no way to pay the rent now.

I felt so bad for him, so I gave him $100 from the $1500 I found

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've had my goldfish for a year now and it still hasn't learned how to use the litterbox

i think it might be retarded

I aced the interview for my dream job and now i just need to pass the drug test

I'm gonna nail this too I do so many drugs

I've been living in stockholm for 30 years now.

Once visited here for the attractions, then stayed here for the syndrome.

I know loads of jokes about cash machines

I just cant think of any ATM

She used to sell sea shells by the sea shore, until they turned the shore into a shopping mall. Now...

She sells shoe soles by the shoe store.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A witch put a curse on me and now my penis has a steering wheel

It drives me nuts

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple moves in together and brings their pets. The man says “before you moved in, my cat used to throw up and shit everywhere, now when I come home the floors are spotless.”

The woman responded “yeah it’s weird, my dog used to whine because he was hungry all the time but not since we moved in.”

"I banged the hottest chick of my class and now the whole town is talking about it."

~ Walter, 52, primary school teacher