If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released

UB40 now

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of time

You see, it used to get cold outside

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Two newly wed couples end up at the same place for their Honeymoon

The two grooms are are at the bar talking about finally making love to their new wives. One of them suggests a competition to see who gets the most sex and they both agree. They needed a code so their wives wouldn't know they were having a competition, so it was suggested that over breakfast they wo...

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Ch...

Who's the bravest in the military

At a NATO conference in Washington DC one year, British, French, and US Generals were discussing who had the bravest soldiers.
The French General told one of his soldiers to run out into the path of on coming traffic.....the soldier did, and was killed. The General said, "Now that is bravery" ...

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USS Placentia

His ship's compliment stood at attention on the dock. The boat, a Virginia class submarine in the United States Navy floated behind him, the sail, blocking out the sun as rose in the east. Captain Johnson stepped onto the dais and walked up to the microphone to addressed his crew.

"Men, I'm...

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled, "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted to.

I was keeping the umbrella.

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Irishman looks over to the bar and sees, who he thinks, is Jesus.

The Irishman gets the attention of the other two.
"Look, lads. It's Jesus!"

Skeptical, the two guys laughingly ask him to go go and ask the man at the bar if he is, in fact, Jesus.

Brazenly, the Irishman ...

I asked some painters to come paint my home the other day and they’ve just arrived. They’ve spent the day here and now they’re finishing up.

The head painter hands me the bill and I notice it says “$0”

I say “you guys did such a long tiring and fantastic job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at me and says,

“Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house”

An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability

Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit

Think you know everything about the letter t?

That's just the half of it.

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

Man makes a toast

Man hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, , “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye ...

It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

My wife: "You weren't listening at all just now, were you?"

Me: "Wow, that's a weird way to start a conversation."

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

“I’ve been taking night courses for five months now, and I have an exam next week.” Said my neighbor Mike.

Mike: “For example, do you know who Euclid is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the father of geometry. If you take night courses you would know this.”

The next day the same discussion took place:

Mike: “Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?”

Me: “No.”

Mike: “He is the...

I've been cycling to work for a whole month now

You would have thought I would be there by now

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hou...

Why is it so hot in New Orleans right now?

There’s no Brees

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river..

A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish.

 

One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he ...

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am apologetic aboot it. #sorry

Church Priests will hate 9/11 anniversaries from now

Because it turned 18 today

I traded my countertop for a new marble one, but now I miss my old one.

It's like they always say, never take anything for granite

Magician: I will now cut this man's wife into 2 pieces

Sam: What kind of magic is this; turning one problem into two?

For weeks now Amazon has been sending me suggestions for random biscuits

Finally I logged in and updated my cookie preferences

The plastic straw bans now happening in many cities were predicted by a 16th Century prophet.

His name was No-straw-damus.

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A guy is drinking at a bar, throws up on himself and says “dammit Steve, I told you I didn’t wanna go out tonight, now look at me!”

Steve goes “aww don’t sweat it man you just had one too many whiskey sours! Here, tell the wife I threw up on you and I gave you this ten so that you could take your shirt to the cleaners.”
::*steve slides a 10 dollar bill into his shirt pocket*::

Course the guy goes home and instantly th...

My buddy was in a motorcycle accident and lost half his foot. So now he's handicapped. He's still the same guy, but I just can't hang out with him anymore. So I realized something important about myself.

I'm lack-toes intolerant.

Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i’m married now..

And that’s where I sleep.

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I'm having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

My mom says I have no sense of direction.

I don't know where she's coming from with that.

In the 1990's, you could go into any store with just a dollar and get a soda, a bag of chips, and a candy bar. Now you can't. Why?

Because there's cameras everywhere now

Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?

Hedgehog: No

Did you know the Beatles were known to partake in orgies?

They would always Come Together.

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TIL that Smartphones are now the #1 ranked hand held device.

That means Penis has slipped to second place.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

Magician: and now for my final trick! I will disappear!

Then he grabs a pear from under the table and says:

you're the worst fruit ever!

I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

What happens when you take too long to eat a Now or Later?

It becomes an hour later.

All crime should be punished, no exceptions. That is why I called the cops on my cat after she gave birth to kittens. Now don’t judge me for doing what had to be done, we all know

*littering* is a crime.

The dog farted, left the room to take a nap, and now everyone's blaming me!

I'll be damned if I'm gonna let sleeping dogs lie.

What color is the sky in Florida right now?

Dorian gray

I’m freaking out right now! I found a dead body in the trunk of my car!

Where the hell did the other one go?!

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Special High Intensity Training: It is now and always has been the policy of this company to assure all employees are well trained.

Through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT), we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please see your supervisor. Our management specialists are trained to as...

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An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.

He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.

"Why did you stop me you old fool?"

"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old man exclaims with a ...

I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible...

She must have given me a cold or something.

If Darth Vader said "Nothing's gonna stop us now" instead of "There will be no one to stop us this time..."

Would that make him Mannequin Skywalker?

I think Ryan Gosling is mature enough now...

for us to call him Ryan Goose.

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The son comes home with an ear piercing in his left ear. The father looks at him and says:

- Son, there are two types of men who have a earing.
Gays and pirates.
Now i'm gonna look out this window and you better hope i see a ship

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

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Now my wifes mad at me along with a lot of Facebook friends.

She posted"How cool is it that the same God who created mountains and oceans and galaxies, looked at you and thought the world need one of you too?"
And I commented everybody needs an asshole.

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It's often said that if something will take less than 5 minutes, just go and do it now.

I guess I'll go and have sex now then.

To save money my girlfriend and I sold our house and now live with our horses in their barn area.

Ir was tough at first but it's been a stable relationship.

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I wanted to shave my beard for so long, but my lazy ass just won't do it and now it's too late

I guess it grew on me

Now clap....

So this joke comes from my once was uncle...

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

She asks him to come to her flat.

They begin to engage in coitus.

She asks him to finger her.

He does.

She tells him "harder... faster.... more"

So he puts a third finger in....

Have you ever read the book "What Happened Just Now?"

It was written by Alex Plainlater

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He's not breathing so his friend calls 911. 'My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Ok, now what?"

"I threw my neighbor into a nuclear reactor and now he's dead. What should I do?!"

"Barium"

“How many fingers now?” Asked the doctor.

Patient: “You know, this is not how I envisioned a prostate exam.”

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Everybody is talking about how bad white people are now, but I think they should be praised for a super important thing.

A white man killed Hitler.

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Sexy and I know it.... And now so do you!

Don't really want to brag too much about it, but I am so sexy that even my towel gets wet when I step out of the shower!

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Japan has been hit by another tsunami. Tokyo is now covered in fish and seaweed

One newspaper described the situation as delicious.

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An elderly couple are having breakfast together one morning. The wife, fanning herself, looks longingly across the table at her husband and says, “Shew-WEE! Eugene, I’m still just as hot for you right now as I was the day we married.”

Eugene rolls his eyes and says, “Ethel! One of yer tits is in yer coffee, and the othern’s in yer oatmeal!”

I know now why Trump wants to build a wall

It's been years since he managed to erect anything

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My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant for years now.

I think she has picked up a few tricks.

I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.

She said, “Abracadabra!” and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.

Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

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I used to be paranoid when I jerked off. I would draw the curtains, open private browsing, lock the door, get excuses ready and everything else, but I overcame that and now I can masturbate at the drop of a hat.

Get kicked out of a lot of hat stores, though

I told my wife I wanted to name our unborn son Obvious.

She said, "That's a stupid name."

I said, "Now you're gestating the Obvious."

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Son, now that you've moved out you're going to need to get a couple things.

You're going to need a dishwasher to clean the dishes. A washing machine to clean your clothes. And a girlfriend so you have good sex. But for God's sake never let the three women meet.

Tour guide: And now we are passing by a brothel...

Tourist: But why???

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

Doctor: Okay sir, we're going to deliver the baby now

Man: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”

I know he means well.

“Now son, I don’t want you to envy Emily, but...”

Nvm

A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

With all the bad things happenning in america right now,

you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

My new girlfriend is vegan, so now I'm on a vegan diet too.

I eat a vegan every day.

Facebook now hiring

No need to apply, they already have all your details

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey

I'm now officially a member of A.C.R.O.N.Y.M

The Association for Chronic Inability to Identify Capital Letters.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes int...

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