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Now Jokes

I now identify as invisible

Although I was born visible, I am now trans-parent. My pronouns are who/where

“69” is now known as “96”.

Thanks to inflation the cost of eating out has gone way up.

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

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I'm in a really bad place right now.

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now?

Fresh prints!

I'm 60 days clean now.

It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.

Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.

Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.

(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee an...

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization...

...when will the U.S. government start arming them?

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Alright guys, the Suez Canal jokes are getting a bit old now.

That ship has sailed.

Billie Eilish is officially 18 now, do you know what that means?

She's old enough to order 12 fascinating issues of Zoobooks for $19.95 if she calls 1-800-441-2400. When she calls, they'll include the bonus Elephants issue, stickers, and Tiger Poster with her order.

Where do you find a cow with now legs?

Wherever you left it

CEO of IKEA is now the Prime Minister of Sweden

He is currently assembling his cabinet.

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Pornhub now has a category for Coronavirus videos

It's for sick fucks.

You’ve heard of alphabet soup now get ready for....

Times new ramen!

President Biden has announced water is now only legal in three states.

Solid, liquid and gas.

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

So now, I'm, Just Fred



A Wyoming Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give t...

Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...

Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp!

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am sorry, too.

Do you know why there are fewer 'all men are trash' posts now?

Christmas is coming

AITA? I bought my coworker chicken avocado instead of tuna avocado from Subway, and now they’re mad.

Whoops, wrong sub.

China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons.

One soldier says with tears in his eyes “but but my daughter made it for me”.

Hip-hop is now 50 years old. Do you know what this means?

It means hip-hop is now old enough to complain about today’s youth being corrupted by hip-hop.

I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son

He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.

But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!

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Getting really fucking annoyed now!

This is the 6th ATM I've been to, that's had "insufficient funds".

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Some jerk glued every card in my deck together so now its just a block of cardboard.

I'm having trouble dealing with it.

If we're saying Amen and Awomen now...

Are we going to start having to sing hymns and herns?

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!"

I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

Wife: Now that we've been married 20 years, how old do you think I look, honestly?

Husband: From your skin I'd say 28, from your hair 25, from your figure 29.

Wife: Oh, what a lovely thing to say.

Husband: Hang on, I haven't finished adding it up yet.

My husband has been missing for six days now

Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I went to the charity shop to get his clothes back

I know now why Trump wants to build a wall

It's been years since he managed to erect anything

Woman asks her friend "How are your kids getting on now?"

"Fine!" Comes the reply. "My oldest boy grew up to be a doctor, the second grew up to be a teacher, and my daughter grew up to be a lawyer!"

"What about your youngest boy? How's he doing?”

"Ah. He grew up to be a thief. He lives at home with us still."

"So you let your three de...

Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation


Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language

There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

I told my wife that I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.

Her: How would you find the time?

Me: Easy. It’ll be right next to the sage.

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey.

My friend text me 'what are you doing now?'

I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

I've been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it's starting to get serious.

She asked me to move out with her.

I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:

1. How to tell this to my wife

2. Where to find a 1 year old baby

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

What is the most expensive video streaming service right now?

College.

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

Billy Mays is in heaven now...

Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like it's $19.99.

Two caterpillars are escaping a spider. They climb up a branch and get to the edge, but realize they are now trapped…

"Hold on tight!" says the first caterpillar and he quickly chews through the branch.

It snaps and they begin to fall, but he grabs two protruding twigs and uses them to steer the branch through the air with grace and finesse.

"That's *amazing!!"* says the second caterpillar. "How in th...

My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.

She’s Tolkien in her sleep.

If I had a penny for every Trump joke being made right now

I would have a small loan of a million dollars

I'm 95% vegan now...

Basically, I'm vegan all the time. Except when I'm eating

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Now that I’m married I’m having sex almost every night of the week

We almost did it on Monday, then we almost did it again on Tuesday and on Wednesday really almost did it.

9 months from now there will be a baby boom. 13 years later will give rise to the next generation, known as

Quarenteens.

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By previously legalizing same-sex marriage and now Marijuana, Canada have finally interpreted the bible correctly:

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

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What do I say now?

One bright and cheery Saturday morning a man hears a knock at his front door and answers it.



The stranger says, “Hello. I’m a Jehovah’s Witness, and I am here to enlighten you with some religious stories.”



“Well, come on in,” says the homeowner. He takes the stranger to...

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

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Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

My dad told us, “I know you guys hate it, but I’m going to wear Velcro shoes from now on….

..I mean, why knot?”

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband. He hasn’t been intimate with me since our son died. I would leave right now,

But the ambulance is still in the drive way blocking my car.

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

Just in: Orchestras are now illegal on broadcast TV

Censors have determined that there's too much sax and violins

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I was addicted to masturbating but now I’m addicted to sex

Think it’s safe to say that my addiction got out of hand

Now that r/funny is going dark we now know for sure...

that this is no laughing matter!

My first three boyfriends all turned out to be pyromaniacs, and now I'm struggling to trust men.

I've just been burned too many times.

David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on."

His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."

Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman

But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Ch...

I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now

they are a non-prophet organization

I'm posting just to let everyone know I'm going through a lot right now...

...and I can't find a parking spot anywhere around here.

In 1999, in the midst of the Y2K panic, the KY Jelly company announced it was now Y2K compliant:

Known as 'Y2KY Jelly, it now allowed you to put all four digits in your date

I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.

Teacher: Now, Peter, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?

Peter: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

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Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.

How fucking cool is that for someone her age.

Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now?

What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." and so I took them off.

Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

Now that the movie Titanic is 25 years old

Leo has completely lost interest in it.

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on.

This one was written in London.

It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

I've been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now...

I'm trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw...

England fans must be pretty happy right now.

They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

First the writers went on strike, now the actors …

who’s going to clear all the tables in Hollywood restaurants?

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I've been on Ashley Madison for over a year now.

About time I got fucked.

Nothing can stop me now!

Ahhhh! Nothing! My only weakness!

When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...

...and it is a Country.

I now identify as boring.

My preferred pronouns are ho/hum.

Russian Ruble is now worth less than 1 U.S. Cent after SWIFT Bank Sanctions

I think it's time we start calling the Ruble for what really is: Rubble

We're Sergeants Now!

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in." "But we're privates," protests Jasper. "We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm ...

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

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My Grandma Has Been Walking 5 Miles a Day Since She Was 57. She's 92 Now...

And we have no idea where the fuck she is.

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar...

Its called inflation.

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I wear headphones now when I masturbate.

Its mostly to drown out the voices on the bus; people saying things like, "You should be more responsible, you're the driver." I'm like, "You know what lady, I get your kids to school on time, Monday through Friday."

So china is making phones without Google apps now

Guess it was always my way or the huawei

*i'm so sorry, I tried*

I'm now convinced that we live in a simulation, and my ex-girlfriend was a bug.

Because she disappeared after my cash was cleared.

I now sell dried fruit for a living

It’s my current job

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for years now

But so far nobody's agreed to do it.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

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Did you know the Giant from Jack and the Beanstalk works as a stripper now?

He'll grind your bone to make his bread.

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *Storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

I remember when I was a kid and air pumps at gas stations were free, now they cost a quarter

Damn inflation

"Sam...I thought you were a little crazy when you said you invented Plexiglas underwear, but now that you're wearing them..."

"...I can clearly see your nuts..."

3d-printers are now making guns.

Pffft, that's nothing!

I've had a Canon printer for years.

Whenever i'm in trouble, I ask myself what Jesus would do now

And then I play dead and disappear from the scene for three days.

You really ought to hear this joke about Net Neutrality now.

Or you'll pay for it later.

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

it's now illegal to count anything in Afghanistan....

They have.a... Taliban

Listen…did you know falcons only live 12-15 yrs? That means every falcon alive right now was born in the 21st century which makes them…

Millennium Falcons

TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.

Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.

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Given that the US has now shot down three balloons (or suspected balloons) this week....

Whoever is flying the Goodyear blimp at the Super Bowl tonight had better have balls of steel.

I've been clean for 45 days now

It's been tough taking a shower everyday, but at least I have the heroin to help me get throught it.

Me: *kicking stirrups* get along now!

Gynecologist: Stop that.

Lance is an uncommon name now a days

....but in mediaeval times people were named Lance a lot

Today in Hawaii: And now let's cross to our local reporter

"Thanks Doug and this morning the annual Waikiki 'Mountain-to-Sea' triathlon has been won by a handsome Norwegian competitor. He’s proved very popular with the race crowd down here on the beachfront, with his good looks and engaging personality really winning over the crowd.

Yes, it’s hard no...

"And now, introducing: Doctor Heimlich!"

*clears throat*

Good news! Now that OnlyFans is getting rid of adult content

Your local restaurants will be able to hire servers again.

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So, I have a black girlfriend now

Burnt the shit out of my hand on the stove...

Not so funny now is it?

A boy comes home from school. He hears a thud-thud-thud sound coming from upstairs. He goes to investigate and notices the sound is getting louder.
Thud-thud-thud, it's getting louder and faster. It's coming from his parents room! The boy flings the door open and sees his mom on all fours an...

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Now that Harvey Weinstein's career in Hollywood is over, he should move to Houston.

Houston is used to getting fucked by Harvey.

Went to the eye doctor, and now I can’t go near avocados anymore.

Freaking guacloma!

Do you know where Charlie the tuna is now?

In a home for battered fish.

The Olmecs lived in Mexico 3,000 years ago. Who lives there now?

The New Mex

I had a cocaine​ joke, but now I can't find it

It makes me really mad because I had it all lined up

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, And then Pepper Spray by the police, He's now a seasoned veteran.

First time on this sub reddit so don't have a lot of experience

What is Beethoven doing now?

De-composing.

I'm 30 days clean now

Taking a shower every day was hard, it's a good thing I had meth to get me through it

Now! What do we want?

Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?

I’m going through a lot right now.

Mostly because my car brakes stopped working.

No joke, Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking.

I guess all the money in the world can't help erect-isle dysfunction

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I heard they make Viagra in a liquid form now

That's good news because before it was a hard pill to swallow, but now I can enjoy a good stiff drink

When I was young, I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now...? ADD

I don't think I have the mental focus to be a father.

Bondage is so much easier now we're older. I used to have to blindfold her.

Now I just hide her glasses.

It all makes sense now

Jack: Rose! There’s enough room, you can save me!
Rose: There’s one thing you should know about me Jack. I’m actually 26 years old!
Jack: …
Rose: Jack?
Jack: *drifts away into the dark depths of the ocean*

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A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

A blonde calls out to a man on the street: “Excuse me, what time is it now?”

“It is 4:35.”
“That is strange.”
“What is?”
“Every time I ask this question, different people give me different answers.”

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I had sex with my second cousin, and now it's really awkward

I should have learnt my lesson with the first one.

I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."

"Okay, that's fine." they replied.

I added, "Your luggage is outside."

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Have you ever wanted to catch up with first person you had sex with to show them how much better you are at it now?

I tried, but have no idea which parish he's serving in now.

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I've been trying to buy a train ticket online for over an hour now and I'm getting pissed off....

It keeps asking me, 'Where do you want to go?'
So I click on the icon that says 'Home' and then it makes me start again.

Me: Can I have a turn in the hedge now?

Hedgehog: No

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are having beans, stir it in,...

What do you call a country that was once Marxist and now might turn Marxist once more?

Remarxable

Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.

If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

I now heard my sons first words

Where have you been the last 14 years?

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My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”

I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”

Now that vehicles are driving themselves...

It won't be long until a country singer writes a song about their truck leaving them too.

Arnold Schwarzenegger no longer kills people and now only kills bugs.

He’s an exterminator

I'll tell you a Coronavirus joke now

But you'll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

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I'm getting pissed off now to be honest...

My wife hasn't stopped looking through the window since it started raining. I don't get it. If it gets any worse than this, I might just have to let her back in.

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