A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

What do you call a cable that connects you directly to the heavens?

An aethernet cable

Call me a luddite, but I feel the need to be vigilant about having too many connected devices.

Google accessing biometrics via wrist wear? Not on my watch.

If you want to stay well connected, just take all your devices aboard the Titanic.

They'll sync really well...

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

What film has the best connection?

Mulan, there’s only 1 Ping

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from plce to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the ...

IT Bulletin: Connectivity in the Bathrooms

Why do client-server applications stop working in the restrooms?

It's all peer-to-peer communications in there.

How do you call a Chinese cow thats connected to a computer network?

Moolan.

The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi

What do you call the connection between a family of Force users?

The Force Kin.

"Windows was unable to establish a network connection"

"would you like to go online to find further assistance?"

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being.After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie.He asks ‟How can I ever repay you?”

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before; a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The secret to a good love life is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these women never, ever meet each other.

There’s this condition where twins are connected at the elbow and always laugh together, never separately.

It’s called conjoined Humor

A team of British archaeologists dug to a depth of 15 feet and found an intricate network of copper wires.

From this, the team concluded that the Britain was advanced enough to have telephone connections in their cities 150 years ago.

In response to this, American archaeologists started their own expedition. They dug up to a depth of 20 feet and found an even more expansive network of copper wires...

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I don't have enough bandwidth to connect to PornHub

Now my Fitbit will think I'm lazy

Who designed the human body?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints!"

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connectio...

My IT friend tried to flirt with a waitress and failed miserably

I guess it wasn’t the first time he couldn’t connect to the server

Had an issue remotely connecting to an Australian PC.

Connection was blocked by the firewall.

What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma’am

We’re cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

1. Illegal Downloading

Seeking jokes for my grandmother who has dementia

My 90 year old grandma is in an assisted living home due to her dementia. She has been feeling isolated (no visits due to Covid).

I have decided to start calling her everyday with a "Joke Of The Day" but I need your help with grandma friendly jokes.

All submissions are greatly appr...

A man tried to connect to his local bar’s WiFi.

“What’s the password for the WiFi?” The man asked the bartender.

He replied, “Buy a beer to find out.”

The man bought himself a drink and returned to the bartender again. “Now what?”

The bartender shook his head. “The password is buyabeertofindout.”

Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that...

Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home.

How do trees connect to the Internet?

They log on.

Why is the elbow called the funny bone?

Becuase it's connected to the humerus

Years ago, Nobel peace prize winner Liu Xiaobo died in custody under Xi Jinping, who denied any connection to the incident.

They said it’s a matter of “He said, Xi said.”

I just had an idea for an app that can connect people with tourettes and similar conditions, so they can have conversations together about their experiences, it's called:

Tic Talk

(I feel comfortable making this joke. I have a tic disorder)

Cannot get milk for my coffee, in space.

Once their Crew Dragon craft made it to safely to space, and they were headed toward the International Space Station, Bob Behnken completed some reports and then decided to have a cup of coffee. Well, a pouch of coffee anyway. Still, it was coffee, and thanks to SpaceX's desire to make space trave...

Three men die and appear before Buddha...

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

\-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forwa...

Two men are hiking when suddenly their tent breaks

Two men, Paul and John, are hiking when suddenly their tent breaks. Unable to set it up for the incoming night until they can find a replacement, they decide they'll need to stay round someone's house who's willing to let the men in.

Paul and John go around knocking at houses and getting reje...

A Bridge from the US to Europe

A man is walking along the beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle. The bottle opens, and a genie appears.

“Thank you for freeing me!” The genie exclaims. “I’ve been waiting 2,000 years for this moment! I am a genie, and will grant you one wish.”

The man doubtfully looks the genie up...

Every date I’ve ever had has been like my WiFi signal.

No Connection.

What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?

A pairing knife

A man walking in the Beach sees a lamp and out of curiosity, starts wiping it.

After wiping it and cleaning it. A gene comes comes. He looks at the sky and greets the person who was cleaning the lamp.

Hello there. I may grant you one wish.
The man says, what happens to three.
The gene says, one is all you get.

The man thinks hard Says.
My family...

Today I found out that the electrician didn't connect the protective grounding system at my home.

I was shocked.

A man nervously dialed the office of his attorney.

"I'd like to speak to my lawyer," he told the secretary who answered the phone.
"I'm sorry, sir," the secretary told him, "but he has passed away. He's dead." The man hung up with a mumbled "Thank-you."

A week later, though, he called back. "Could I talk to my lawyer?" he asked. "Have...

China Online

What do you call a Chinese man with a slow internet connection?

Lo Ding

Why don't horses use the internet?

They can't find stable connections.

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Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

How do family members connect with each other in Alabama?

Tinder

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.

As a kid, I connected all the dots on our Dalmatian.

Remarkably, it was a dog.

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

An old man goes to the doctor for a physical.

The doctor tells the man the results are fine and asks him how he is doing.

"I feel great!" he replied, "God and I have made a really strong connection lately."

The doctor find this a little odd, but is respectful and asks "How so?"

The man says "Well, when I wake up to pee in t...

Windows loves to troll me

Windows: "the device wasn't able to connect to internet due to connection error"

Also windows:" would you like to go online to search for a solution".

I once connected all my watches together and used them as a belt...

It was a waist of time.

What did the man say to his pet bear after buying her a computer and the computer wouldn't turn on and he ended up calling his cousin who works at the computer company and the cousin came down from Milwaukee to show them how to connect everything to make the computer work?

Sorry for the complicated setup.

Russian Connection

If the internet disconnects in Russia, do they call it the internyet?

A man called the hospital where his pregnant wife was admitted. He was accidentally connected to the Lord's Cricket Ground.

"So how did it go ?", he asked.

The person on the other side of the line said, "We've got four out and expect to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

Just because someone found out how to connect a keyboard and a portable radio together doesn't make them a nerd

That would be stereotyping.

An eager young attorney had just opened his first office.

He'd decorated it with expensive, heavy oak furniture, a collection of costly art posters, and various other accoutrements to impress any potential client who walked through the door.

He'd placed ads and sent out engraved announcements about his new business, and he was sitting back waiting f...

I was having issues getting my phone audio to connect to my car stereo

So I changed the name of my device to "Titanic".

Now its syncing.

Someone should make a phone app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurant you can afford

Could call it Welp

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My friend met a prostitute who connected battery wires to his testicles.

I said, “Holy shit! How much did she charge you?”

Will Smith has been connected to an armed robbery in Philadelphia...

They found fresh prints at the scene of the crime.

A christian father puts his daughter to sleep

But before sleep, she must pray.

At the end of the prayer, she says:
"And please god, bless my father, my mother, and goodbye to grandpa".

"Why goodbye to grandpa?" the father asks.

"I Don't know" the girl responds, and goes to sleep with a smile on her face.

The day a...

Recent mobile phone technology has linked up with micro chip brain implant technology so that when your phone rings it can immediately connect without making a ringing sound.

It just won the Nobel peace prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an Indian Dating site?

Connect the Dots.



yeah idk don't judge i'm fucking bored

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits court to ask for a name change

"Hi there, I would like to change my name, please", the man says.

"I see... Why exactly do you want to change your name?", the clerk asked.

"Well, I was named after my father but he abandoned us while I was a baby so I don't feel any connection to it."

"I understand but we can't...

I just found my old Nokia and connected it with my power bank.

The power bank is now fully charged again.

An American, Frenchman, Israeli, Spaniard, and a German are on a video call. Their boss logs in and starts the meeting by askng "How's my connection, can everybody see me alright?" They answer:

"yes", "oui", "ken", "si", "ja"

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Government

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

A young man named Theseus moves to a lakeside fishing village looking for work

When he arrives, he finds one of the residents, Justin, is interested in going out and seeing the world, and wants to sell his fishing boat to fund that trip. Thinking that it might be a good way to make a living, Theseus buys the boat and spends the next few years learning the trade, establishing a...

How do Australians connect to the internet?

They use the LAN down under.

What connects The Sixth Sense and Titanic?

Icy dead people.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

Hey Reddit, are you connected to the CIA?

[removed]

Donald Trump's advisers worry he could lose support from his base, so they suggested he change his hairstyle to better connect with white, rural voters...

...he's going to mullet over.

So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.

The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of...

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Scientists discovered that there is a special nerve that connects human eyes to their ass.

Here’s the proof. When the test subjects were stabbed in the ass , they cried. And when the test subjects were stabbed in the eyes, they shat themselves.

Stouting

Bitoy: Why are you so stout?
Dagul: I have been an orphan ever since I was little.
Bitoy: How is that connected?
Dagul: Duh! No one helped raise me!

I've found my old Nokia phone so I connected it to a powerbank.

Powerbank is now full. Phone still has 3 bars.

What do you call a modem in a safe?

A secure connection.

An astronaut was trying to communicate with the control room but the connection kept breaking up.

Annoyed, he yelled out "What on Earth are you talking about?".

Who was the best-connected president?

Abraham Linkedin!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a new toilet system being trialled.

It has a built in Internet connection.

It will automatically post your shit on Facebook, Twitter and TikTok.

I heard wired connections are faster...

So I poured some coffee on my router and now it's even slower...Do I need another java update?

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system....

Sound advice.

I do not follow any order!

\+ Your cellphone battery is at 5%. Connect your charger.

\- Ok.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Doctor is Always Right

A man wakes up feeling sick, so he goes to an urgent care center.  The doctor asks what his symptoms are, and he tells her, "I'm not sure - I'm just not right."

The doctor immediately replies, "I need a urine specimen."

The man is taken aback.  "Why do you need a urine sample?  You hav...

What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?

A wyrmhole.

Yesterday I wanted to connect a couple of watches together to build a belt to hold my pants

But I figured it would be a waist of time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thought you'd like to know.

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on a few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog o...

Why can't you connect 2 speakers at the same time to an apple device?

They work in pears.

Connected my iPod, named "The Titanic" to my computer.

"The Titanic is synching..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

God gave a wish to a man

God gave a wish to a man.

The man asked, " I want the whole world to be connected by a road".

"Sorry son, it's technically impossible to engineer such a road. Ask something else" , he replied.

"Well then, I want Trump to think before he speaks something", he asked.

"You...

The class of 1950 gets together for their class reunion. Not many people are left, but two of the 10 people to attend were Harry, an 88 year old widower, and Esther, an 87 year old divorcee.

Over the course of the evening, they had a great time chatting about old times and their families. They each felt a real connection and by the time the night was out, Harry had proposed and Esther has happily accepted.

The next morning, Harry woke up and was frustrated to realize that he cou...

Why didn’t the fisherman care about his wireless internet connection?

Because either-net works when he’s catfishing.

What is the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy develops a dark spot on his forehead.

He goes to the doctor. The doctor looks and says:
“I’ve read about this before. In a month you’ll have a full sized penis growing out of your forehead.”
The man’s eyes go wide and he says:
“Well then operate! Get rid of it!”
The doctor shakes his head. “It’s connected to your brain. If I...

Got sick so I typed my symptoms into WebMD

Was told I may have connectivity issues

Baby, are you a Caucasian teen with connected parents on trial for DUI manslaughter defended by a high powered attorney?

'Cause you got FINE written all over you.

Got my friend William to petal a bike connected to my TV.

You could say it runs on Will power.

My airport fetish has led to many connected flights

I'm constantly getting off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman makes a deal with the Devil to gain wealth and power, but doesn't want to go to Hell.

The Devil makes a little rule for the woman. She happily agrees and thus, the contract is sealed.

She goes onto be the best stockbroker in her city, giving her a near bottomless checkbook and connections to lawmakers, celebrities, anyone with even a scrap of power in the city.


Almo...

Hello, God?

In an effort to combat religious bigotry, the leaders of the world's largest religions decided to show solidarity by organizing a world tour, where they would all visit each other in their respective seats of power.

The first stop on the tour was the Vatican where the Pope welcomed the group ...

My office has had three label makers stolen in the past week.

We suspect it's connected to organized crime.

Hameed the good lad

Once upon a time, a small boy named Hameed lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!" One day, his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Wife is missing.

Husband:

My wife is missing.

She went out yesterday and has not come home...



Sergeant at Police Station:

What is her height?



Husband:

Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.



Sergeant:

Weight?



Husb...

I have an unpredictable connection with my tap.

It's a hot and cold relationship.

What happened to the single IT technician when he tried to flirt with a barista at a cafe?

He was unable to make a connection to the server

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A devout Christian, Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar

The barternder approaches them as they get seated at the table.

The Christian guy: Jesus turned water into wine. It was the first miracle he performed. So I will go with some wine today.

The Jewish guy: Arak, the licorice flavored spirit is highly preffered in Isreal. It makes me feel ...

Two Interpol officers were taking a Chinese criminal back to China when they got stranded on an island

Officer 1, being the senior, came up with a plan for their survival.

Officer 1: Ok, so here's what we'll do. Officer 2, you'll go around the island and collect material for us to build a shelter. I will keep trying my phone to try and contact HQ to pick us up. Chinese guy you go into the wood...

The artist named “Feat” has a monopoly on the music industry and should be tracked down.

Every time I see a song, Feat is always on it. This is too suspicious, and must mean he has a monopoly on the recording industry. Maybe he has parents with connections, maybe he is holding someone hostage, or maybe it is something much worse. What is apparent though, is that he is definitely breakin...

My internet connection and my diet are missing one thing in common...

Fiber

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