The 98+ Best Connect Jokes

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

I am convinced that all junk drawers are connected.

For every person saying "What's this?", there's someone saying "I'm sure it was in here..."

The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi

"All right, for our new Disney+ miniseries, we need to make it a thoughtful, highly entertaining original series AND it needs to connect to an existing Star Wars property."

"... Would you settle for And/or?"

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

I hate connect-the-dot puzzles.

That’s where I draw the line.

I think I really connected with my inner self today…

That’s the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

I've got a high tech toilet that's connected to the Wi-Fi and I just received a notification.

There was an unexpected log in...

Just because someone found out how to connect a keyboard and a portable radio together doesn't make them a nerd

That would be stereotyping.

I just found my old Nokia and connected it with my power bank.

The power bank is now fully charged again.

Hey Reddit, are you connected to the CIA?

[removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The secret to a good love life is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these women never, ever meet each other.

Internet arguments are like connect four

but you only have three pieces

I accidentally connected the drill to 220v instead of 110v.

When the fire alarm sounded, it was not a drill. Or was it?

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

How do FLIES connect to the internet?

Via WIFLI

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Onomastics is the study of last names, and the connection to their thing. Like how Smith's used to be makers, or Gardners used to care for plants and vegetables, or Yorks come from the town of Yorke....

I don't think I want to know what the backstory is for the Dickensons...

My internet connection is a lot like my grandad

It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon

What connects The Sixth Sense and Titanic?

Icy dead people.

I tried to connect my Raspberry Pi to my printer....

But the printer always jams!

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I think my wife and I are telepathically connected

Every time I feel horny she immediately gets a headache

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Internet connection must have been really crappy during Jesus' times

I mean, 3 days for a respawn...

Had an issue remotely connecting to an Australian PC.

Connection was blocked by the firewall.

I've found my old Nokia phone so I connected it to a powerbank.

Powerbank is now full. Phone still has 3 bars.

When you call 911 no matter where you are your phone will connect to even the smallest amount of service to get your call through

They use the same idea to make mobile game ads

An American, Frenchman, Israeli, Spaniard, and a German are on a video call. Their boss logs in and starts the meeting by askng "How's my connection, can everybody see me alright?" They answer:

"yes", "oui", "ken", "si", "ja"

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I don't have enough bandwidth to connect to PornHub

Now my Fitbit will think I'm lazy

Today I found out that the electrician didn't connect the protective grounding system at my home.

I was shocked.

What did the Russian man say when he lost internet connection?

"internyet!"

As you grow up, you will start to see that people morality is not necessarily connected to their relation with the law.

While the outlaws are bad, the in-laws can be much worse.

What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?

A pairing knife

What did the man say to his pet bear after buying her a computer and the computer wouldn't turn on and he ended up calling his cousin who works at the computer company and the cousin came down from Milwaukee to show them how to connect everything to make the computer work?

Sorry for the complicated setup.

How do family members connect with each other in Alabama?

Tinder

What is the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia.

When future autonomous cars are connected on a network and speak to eachother, they won't need turn signals anymore.

... So BMW owners will have to figure out some other safety system to just not use.

Me and my brother have quite the connection together

We're siamese twins

Note: I am actually not a siamese twin

What do you call a cable that connects you directly to the heavens?

An aethernet cable

Recent mobile phone technology has linked up with micro chip brain implant technology so that when your phone rings it can immediately connect without making a ringing sound.

It just won the Nobel peace prize.

How do Australians connect to the internet?

They use the LAN down under.

Yesterday I wanted to connect a couple of watches together to build a belt to hold my pants

But I figured it would be a waist of time.

Donald Trump's advisers worry he could lose support from his base, so they suggested he change his hairstyle to better connect with white, rural voters...

...he's going to mullet over.

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The computer is connected to watt?

A man calls tech support and says, "I unplugged my space heater, and then my computer just blacked out!"

Tech support: Is the power strip that your computer's plugged into still lit?

User: Yes

Tech support: What happens if you move the mouse or press a key?

User: Noth...

Call me a luddite, but I feel the need to be vigilant about having too many connected devices.

Google accessing biometrics via wrist wear? Not on my watch.

What do you call a dating service connecting young men with mature women?

Oedipal Arrangements

There was a part in my game where a plane was supposed to fly through but it froze in mid-air because of bad connection.

I guess you could call that Jet Lag.

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

If you want to stay well connected, just take all your devices aboard the Titanic.

They'll sync really well...

There’s always been a familiar connection I get in the shade of my succulent collection...

Aloe darkness, my old friend.

Why can't you connect 2 speakers at the same time to an apple device?

They work in pears.

What connects USA to the rest of the world?

USB

What do you call the connection between a family of Force users?

The Force Kin.

IT Bulletin: Connectivity in the Bathrooms

Why do client-server applications stop working in the restrooms?

It's all peer-to-peer communications in there.

There’s this condition where twins are connected at the elbow and always laugh together, never separately.

It’s called conjoined Humor

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My friend met a prostitute who connected battery wires to his testicles.

I said, “Holy shit! How much did she charge you?”

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that...

Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home.

Years ago, Nobel peace prize winner Liu Xiaobo died in custody under Xi Jinping, who denied any connection to the incident.

They said it’s a matter of “He said, Xi said.”

As a kid, I connected all the dots on our Dalmatian.

Remarkably, it was a dog.

My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system....

Sound advice.

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

Will Smith has been connected to an armed robbery in Philadelphia...

They found fresh prints at the scene of the crime.

I heard wired connections are faster...

So I poured some coffee on my router and now it's even slower...Do I need another java update?

Connected my iPod, named "The Titanic" to my computer.

"The Titanic is synching..."

Someone should make a phone app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurant you can afford

Could call it Welp

An astronaut was trying to communicate with the control room but the connection kept breaking up.

Annoyed, he yelled out "What on Earth are you talking about?".

What is the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your computer and accesses all your data. The other is an industry standard.

Who was the best-connected president?

Abraham Linkedin!

Why didn’t the fisherman care about his wireless internet connection?

Because either-net works when he’s catfishing.

Got my friend William to petal a bike connected to my TV.

You could say it runs on Will power.

Baby, are you a Caucasian teen with connected parents on trial for DUI manslaughter defended by a high powered attorney?

'Cause you got FINE written all over you.

What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?

A wyrmhole.

I've always had a deep connection with mirrors

I see a lot of myself in them

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Scientists discovered that there is a special nerve that connects human eyes to their ass.

Here’s the proof. When the test subjects were stabbed in the ass , they cried. And when the test subjects were stabbed in the eyes, they shat themselves.

My airport fetish has led to many connected flights

I'm constantly getting off

I have an unpredictable connection with my tap.

It's a hot and cold relationship.

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

My internet connection is just like my Ex-Girlfriend

Unstable

My grandma and I were face timing with a bad connection

So she says, "hold on, let me open the door to let some WiFi's in."

True stories can be jokes too..

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Your ass and mouth are connected.

Biologically, of course, but also metaphorically in your case.

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

Illegal Downloading

Mueller: Please tell me why you have so many suspicious Russian connections.

Trump: I have a perfectly treasonable explanation!

Look, I'm all for coloring books...

but connect-the-dots? That's where I draw the line.

I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection.

The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. "Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult ab...

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Three men pass away in a tragic car crash

Their girlfriends are trying to figure out what to do with their ashes. The first woman says "hey, my boyfriend really loved nature. I'm going to spread his ashes throughout the forest so he can be eternally connected with the wilderness."

The second woman says "hey, my boyfriend was really i...

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

A few somewhat connected jokes

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who lays in front of your door?

Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who floats in the ocean?

Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs who sits in a bush?

Russel

Which member of the Justice League has loose connective tissue?

The Marfan Manhunter!

They say if you've seen one connected group of stores

You've seen a mall

So I accidentally fell onto the rope connecting my two pigs...

I tore my hamstring.

What do you call a Chinese man with a bad internet connection?

Hi Ping

Did you hear that Donald Trump's new hair will cause riots due to its connection to satanic rituals?

If he confirms the change, they'll be hell toupee.

I'll show myself out.

Once upon a time ...

Once upon a time ..a small boy named Basheer lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "you are driving me crazy Basheer"...

One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teach...

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The Dutch connection

Two people are in a restaurant in Amsterdam sitting at the bar. Both are drinking and both look depressed. After a while the man turns to the woman and says:

"Excuse me, I'm looking across and you're a very beautiful woman, you look incredible, but you look so depressed, why?"

"Well, y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

girl are u my neighbor's wifi?

cuz u have a stupid name and im having trouble connecting

Connecting to a wifi named 'Martin Router King' ...

... and suddenly I have a stream.

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