UPJOKE
joinget in touchlinkinterlinktieinterconnectrelateunitetouch basetie inplug inassociateattachinteractconnectivity

Connect Jokes

I am convinced that all junk drawers are connected.

For every person saying "What's this?", there's someone saying "I'm sure it was in here..."
upvote downvote report

The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi
upvote downvote report

What did the man say to his pet bear after buying her a computer and the computer wouldn't turn on and he ended up calling his cousin who works at the computer company and the cousin came down from Milwaukee to show them how to connect everything to make the computer work?

Sorry for the complicated setup.
upvote downvote report

I think I really connected with my inner self today…

That’s the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
upvote downvote report

I hate connect-the-dot puzzles.

That’s where I draw the line.
upvote downvote report

How do FLIES connect to the internet?

Via WIFLI
upvote downvote report

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...
upvote downvote report

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...
upvote downvote report

Hey Reddit, are you connected to the CIA?

[removed]
upvote downvote report

I just found my old Nokia and connected it with my power bank.

The power bank is now fully charged again.
upvote downvote report

Internet arguments are like connect four

but you only have three pieces
upvote downvote report

What connects The Sixth Sense and Titanic?

Icy dead people.
upvote downvote report

I've got a high tech toilet that's connected to the Wi-Fi and I just received a notification.

There was an unexpected log in...
upvote downvote report

Just because someone found out how to connect a keyboard and a portable radio together doesn't make them a nerd

That would be stereotyping.
upvote downvote report

I accidentally connected the drill to 220v instead of 110v.

When the fire alarm sounded, it was not a drill. Or was it?
upvote downvote report

Had an issue remotely connecting to an Australian PC.

Connection was blocked by the firewall.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think my wife and I are telepathically connected

Every time I feel horny she immediately gets a headache

My internet connection is a lot like my grandad

It's down most of the time, and even when it's up, it's shaky as hell and we all know it's gonna go down again soon
upvote downvote report

I've found my old Nokia phone so I connected it to a powerbank.

Powerbank is now full. Phone still has 3 bars.
upvote downvote report

I tried to connect my Raspberry Pi to my printer....

But the printer always jams!
upvote downvote report

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Internet connection must have been really crappy during Jesus' times

I mean, 3 days for a respawn...

"All right, for our new Disney+ miniseries, we need to make it a thoughtful, highly entertaining original series AND it needs to connect to an existing Star Wars property."

"... Would you settle for And/or?"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't have enough bandwidth to connect to PornHub

Now my Fitbit will think I'm lazy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The computer is connected to watt?

A man calls tech support and says, "I unplugged my space heater, and then my computer just blacked out!"

Tech support: Is the power strip that your computer's plugged into still lit?

User: Yes

Tech support: What happens if you move the mouse or press a key?

User: Noth...

How do Australians connect to the internet?

They use the LAN down under.
upvote downvote report

Me and my brother have quite the connection together

We're siamese twins



Note: I am actually not a siamese twin
upvote downvote report

Russian Connection

If the internet disconnects in Russia, do they call it the internyet?
upvote downvote report

How do family members connect with each other in Alabama?

Tinder
upvote downvote report

What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?

A pairing knife
upvote downvote report

What is the difference between Russia and reality?

Trump had connections with Russia.
upvote downvote report

What is the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your computer and accesses all your data. The other is an industry standard.
upvote downvote report

IT Bulletin: Connectivity in the Bathrooms

Why do client-server applications stop working in the restrooms?

It's all peer-to-peer communications in there.
upvote downvote report

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.
upvote downvote report

What is a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear Sir/Ma'am,

We are cutting your internet connection due to the following reasons:

Illegal Downloading
upvote downvote report

Today I found out that the electrician didn't connect the protective grounding system at my home.

I was shocked.
upvote downvote report

Look, I'm all for coloring books...

but connect-the-dots? That's where I draw the line.
upvote downvote report

What do you call a cable that connects you directly to the heavens?

An aethernet cable
upvote downvote report

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...
upvote downvote report

I decided to replace my belt with multiple watches connected together.

It was a big waist of time.
upvote downvote report

I heard wired connections are faster...

So I poured some coffee on my router and now it's even slower...Do I need another java update?
upvote downvote report

A 90 year old man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup.

Fifteen minutes later, the doctor says,"Your health is good physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

The old man replies,"Me and God are tight. We are in a real connection. He has even fixed my eyesight for me! Whenever I go to the bathroom to pee, the light turn...
upvote downvote report

Who was the best-connected president?

Abraham Linkedin!
upvote downvote report

What do you call a dating service connecting young men with mature women?

Oedipal Arrangements
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The secret to a good love life is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these women never, ever meet each other.

What do you call the connection between a family of Force users?

The Force Kin.
upvote downvote report

When you call 911 no matter where you are your phone will connect to even the smallest amount of service to get your call through

They use the same idea to make mobile game ads
upvote downvote report

What's the best dating service in India?

Connect the dots.

(I'll see my self out.)
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend met a prostitute who connected battery wires to his testicles.

I said, “Holy shit! How much did she charge you?”

Why can't you connect 2 speakers at the same time to an apple device?

They work in pears.
upvote downvote report

As a kid, I connected all the dots on our Dalmatian.

Remarkably, it was a dog.
upvote downvote report

I've always had a deep connection with mirrors

I see a lot of myself in them
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your ass and mouth are connected.

Biologically, of course, but also metaphorically in your case.

If you want to stay well connected, just take all your devices aboard the Titanic.

They'll sync really well...
upvote downvote report

Yesterday I wanted to connect a couple of watches together to build a belt to hold my pants

But I figured it would be a waist of time.
upvote downvote report

Connected my iPod, named "The Titanic" to my computer.

"The Titanic is synching..."
upvote downvote report

When future autonomous cars are connected on a network and speak to eachother, they won't need turn signals anymore.

... So BMW owners will have to figure out some other safety system to just not use.
upvote downvote report

I have an unpredictable connection with my tap.

It's a hot and cold relationship.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Dutch connection

Two people are in a restaurant in Amsterdam sitting at the bar. Both are drinking and both look depressed. After a while the man turns to the woman and says:

"Excuse me, I'm looking across and you're a very beautiful woman, you look incredible, but you look so depressed, why?"

"Well, y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where Is The Connection?

A Middle-Aged Man Had An Obsession With Women’s Breasts.

So He Went To A Psychologist And Told The Doctor About His Problem.
“I Am Going To Do Word Association” Explained The Doctor – “I Am Going To Say A Word, And You Will Say The First Thing That Come To Your Mind”

Doctor: “Orange...

Will Smith has been connected to an armed robbery in Philadelphia...

They found fresh prints at the scene of the crime.
upvote downvote report

My airport fetish has led to many connected flights

I'm constantly getting off
upvote downvote report

Call me a luddite, but I feel the need to be vigilant about having too many connected devices.

Google accessing biometrics via wrist wear? Not on my watch.
upvote downvote report

As you grow up, you will start to see that people morality is not necessarily connected to their relation with the law.

While the outlaws are bad, the in-laws can be much worse.
upvote downvote report

What's a Pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Customer,

Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.

-Sincerely, your ISP.
upvote downvote report

My internet connection is just like my Ex-Girlfriend

Unstable
upvote downvote report

Why didn’t the fisherman care about his wireless internet connection?

Because either-net works when he’s catfishing.
upvote downvote report

Mueller: Please tell me why you have so many suspicious Russian connections.

Trump: I have a perfectly treasonable explanation!
upvote downvote report

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...
upvote downvote report

Got my friend William to petal a bike connected to my TV.

You could say it runs on Will power.
upvote downvote report

Fighting COVID-19 by contact tracing and quarantining those with connections to infected people means that...

Poor Kevin Bacon never gets to leave his home.
upvote downvote report

There’s this condition where twins are connected at the elbow and always laugh together, never separately.

It’s called conjoined Humor
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men pass away in a tragic car crash

Their girlfriends are trying to figure out what to do with their ashes. The first woman says "hey, my boyfriend really loved nature. I'm going to spread his ashes throughout the forest so he can be eternally connected with the wilderness."

The second woman says "hey, my boyfriend was really i...

My grandma and I were face timing with a bad connection

So she says, "hold on, let me open the door to let some WiFi's in."


True stories can be jokes too..
upvote downvote report

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...
upvote downvote report

Donald Trump's advisers worry he could lose support from his base, so they suggested he change his hairstyle to better connect with white, rural voters...

...he's going to mullet over.
upvote downvote report

Which member of the Justice League has loose connective tissue?

The Marfan Manhunter!
upvote downvote report

They say if you've seen one connected group of stores

You've seen a mall
upvote downvote report

Recent mobile phone technology has linked up with micro chip brain implant technology so that when your phone rings it can immediately connect without making a ringing sound.

It just won the Nobel peace prize.
upvote downvote report

An American, Frenchman, Israeli, Spaniard, and a German are on a video call. Their boss logs in and starts the meeting by askng "How's my connection, can everybody see me alright?" They answer:

"yes", "oui", "ken", "si", "ja"
upvote downvote report

I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection.

The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. "Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult ab...
upvote downvote report

I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was...

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
upvote downvote report

An astronaut was trying to communicate with the control room but the connection kept breaking up.

Annoyed, he yelled out "What on Earth are you talking about?".
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists discovered that there is a special nerve that connects human eyes to their ass.

Here’s the proof. When the test subjects were stabbed in the ass , they cried. And when the test subjects were stabbed in the eyes, they shat themselves.

So I accidentally fell onto the rope connecting my two pigs...

I tore my hamstring.
upvote downvote report

So this guy had found a magic lamp, which had a genie in it. After a while...

**Genie:** So master, you have one wish left, think wisely.

**Guy:** Hmmm, I wish there was a railroad that connect New York City to Moscow.

**Genie:** That... is quite a big wish you got there. Do you have anything more reasonable?

**Guy:** In that case, I wish I was able to un...
upvote downvote report

Men are like Bluetooth, Women are like WiFi...

Men are like Bluetooth: he's connected when you're nearby, but searches for other devices while you're away..

Women are like WiFi: she can see all available networks, but will only connect to the strongest one.
upvote downvote report

Connecting to a wifi named 'Martin Router King' ...

... and suddenly I have a stream.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Onomastics is the study of last names, and the connection to their thing. Like how Smith's used to be makers, or Gardners used to care for plants and vegetables, or Yorks come from the town of Yorke....

I don't think I want to know what the backstory is for the Dickensons...

There was a part in my game where a plane was supposed to fly through but it froze in mid-air because of bad connection.

I guess you could call that Jet Lag.
upvote downvote report

Years ago, Nobel peace prize winner Liu Xiaobo died in custody under Xi Jinping, who denied any connection to the incident.

They said it’s a matter of “He said, Xi said.”
upvote downvote report

My friend told me that for minimal lag i should use an analogue connection instead of Bluetooth for my speaker system....

Sound advice.
upvote downvote report

I was at a restaurant and a cute waitress was flirting with me. She gave her email and told me to hit her up sometime. I tried to email her the next day but the internet was down.

I couldn’t connect to the server
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

What do you call a Chinese man with a bad internet connection?

Hi Ping
upvote downvote report

Someone should make a phone app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurant you can afford

Could call it Welp
upvote downvote report

A shepherd is tending his flock in a remote pasture…

…when suddenly a shiny red BMW appears. The driver is a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes and Polarized sunglasses.

He sticks his head out the window and asks the shepherd, "Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd l...
upvote downvote report

What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?

A wyrmhole.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

Old joke, modern twist: a man is out of town when his wife goes into labor...

The man calls up his brother to assist with the birth, who readily agrees. The hospital is a bit out of date, a bit out of the way, and the brother works almost as hard maintaining his internet connection as he does assisting with the birth. Eventually, the wife successfully delivered twins, a boy a...
upvote downvote report

Baby, are you a Caucasian teen with connected parents on trial for DUI manslaughter defended by a high powered attorney?

'Cause you got FINE written all over you.
upvote downvote report

So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects ...
upvote downvote report

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information