Expecting Jokes - 64 Hilarious Expecting Jokes

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

My wife and I were never expecting children

But then BAM, straight onto the windshield

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Kevin McCarthy: Hold my beer.

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A pregnant lady expecting triplets is tragically shot during a bank robbery

She was shot 3 times in the belly, and 1 bullet hit each of the 3 baby boys. Miraculously, they all survived!

One day about 14 years later, one of her boys came crying to her saying “mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out of my penis”. Then she sat him down and explained what happened al...

An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.

"First child?" Asks another father

"No" replies the Man

"Well then why are you so anxious?"

"Well, when my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."

"That's amazing." says the second Man

"Yes" replies t...

PSA for expecting parents

The name you give your child will follow them throughout their entire life, so choose carefully. Think of how it will be made into nicknames and how other people will say it.

Oh, and don't forget about the initials.

Sincerely,

Anna Nichole Amber Lewis and Clive Ulysses Mansfiel...

Things to expect when you're expecting

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a bit, his cellphone rings and he answers it to hear his pregnant wife on the line out of breath and panting loudly. "Where are you!" she moans. "I'm down at the bar," the guy replies. "I think the baby is coming!" she gasps. "Well he won't get in," th...

My cousin “I'm expecting twins!”

Me, “Finally two kids from the same man.”

A husband and wife are expecting twins

A husband and wife are expecting twins; she's pregnant with a girl and a boy. A couple of weeks before her due date, the wife is hanging out with her brother at home and suddenly has shooting pains in her abdomen. Her husband is out of town for work, so she has her brother drive her straight to the ...

A couple is expecting their first child

The father is overjoyed. He goes to the nearest clothing store and gets a little shirt, a tiny pair of pants, an adorable little hat, and the most exquisite (and expensive) pair of shoes for his soon to be child. He and his wife stand on their porch, waiting for 2 whole weeks for the stork to arrive...

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My wife had concerns about intimacy during pregnancy but "What To Expect When You're Expecting" says that blowjobs are ALWAYS safe.

So I don't understand why she gets so worked up about what I do in the privacy of a men's restroom.

During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries?”

"Through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting

Blonde Wife

One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in Northern Minnesota were listening to the radio.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
...

I wasn't expecting to encounter a bridge on my commute

But I got over it

First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...

I named my kid Bob Ross

He was a happy little accident.

Dear Expecting Mothers...

Please... I beg you. Look at what your child's name will be when spelled backwards.

Sincerely,

Marlana

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

Einstein famously said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

But doing the same thing over and over again and actually getting a different result - that's called Computer Programming.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

Expecting Wife

Just as Dave was about to fall asleep, his wife shook him and said, "I hear someone breaking in."

At least two nights a week for twenty years Dave had gone through this. He knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. So, he went out for a routine check.

Whe...

An expecting father

John was always a loving husband. For years he was constantly on beck and call. He never strayed from his wife Marla and Marla adored John. For years and years John and Marla attempted to have children. They went to fertility clinics, they sought guidance from multiple specialists, and even tried al...

Not quite what she was expecting...

Guy: I work with animals every day!

Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-

Guy: I'm a butcher.

You were expecting perfume...

But it was me, Deo!

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and ...

I was told we were expecting twins.

I guess I got more than what i came for.

I paid a lot of money expecting to be taped to a wall for at least an hour...

It wasn't until 30 minutes in when I realized those guys ripped me off.

After weeks of trying, my wife finally told me that we're expecting our first child

She's got a really bad stutter

A couple was expecting a baby...

On the way to the hospital, the parents-to-be realized they were not going to make it in time, so the man called 911 for an ambulance to meet them. The operator asked if this was the woman’s first child, and the man said, “No, this is her husband.”

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

I was expecting Frozen 2 jokes

I guess everyone let it go.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

"Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

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So Chris Brown is expecting a baby.

Guess Rhianna isn't the only one who's ass is getting slapped before the black eyes.

I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby.....

As though it might be something else, like a penguin.

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

Ha! You were expecting a well thought out Joke! But no...

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

I was drawing a graph for my report expecting a straight line. But I got a curve.

What a plot twist

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

"Honey! I'm pregnant, and we'll be happily expecting a baby soon!"

Says the woman.

But her wife was not happy.

People stabbing Julius Caesar were expecting a lot of things.......

Hearing Harder daddy! Was not one of them

A postman and his wife are expecting their first child.

The big day comes, and it's a healthy baby girl. The new parents are overjoyed, but it's a lot of work. Dad helps out in every way he can; changing diapers, keeping the house clean, prepping and cooking meals (always being sure to make something ahead for if Mom gets hungry when he's not home), etc....

Why are people expecting Jesus to return?

Someone needs to them he wasn't nailed to a boomerang

Why is 6 scared of 7? (Not the answer you're expecting)

Because 7 is a six offender.

An expecting couple is buying party supplies.

The cashier asks “What’s the occasion?”

“Oh, We are having our baby shower,” says the wife.

“That’s pretty impressive,” says the cashier. “My wife and I still have to bathe ours.”

Not what he was expecting....

A hot divorcee moved in next door to an elderly man who has been lonely for most of his life. A couple of weeks later, she stops at his house for a moment. "I'm ready", she says to him, and his package starts to rise-----he can't help himself! "I wanna blow off some steam, get drunk, and get laid! C...

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A man approaches his best friend's wife one day

when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.

"No. My husband wouldn't approve."

"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"

"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."

So the man sh...

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A couple is expecting their first born child...

It's a beautiful spring day and the mother is sleeping after a long delivery. The doctor walks in holding the baby and announces that it's a baby boy.

The father asks, "Can I hold him?" and the doctor replies "Of course, but I have to run a few tests first, its routine you understand".
<...

For the past 20 years my wife has been complaining about me not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

Last anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste. I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "why have you stopped brushing...

A parachutist friend of mine was able to record a joke on his GoPro during his tragic last skydive saying that he'd 'had a great summer but was expecting an even better fall'.

He certainly hit the ground punning!

I painted my computer black expecting it to run faster...

But now it doesn’t work.

Checked into a hotel expecting one night stand

but there were 2! Mighty pleased.

I was certain that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result...

but every dictionary I check says something else.

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A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar

A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar and slams his fist down on the bar loudly proclaiming, "I demand a free drink because I'm the toughest motherfucker in here!" The barman, not wanting any trouble, hands the piece of asphalt a beer.

About 20 minutes pass when another piece of asphalt w...

I held the door open for a lady expecting a thank you.

But all she did was scream and fly out of the plane.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

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This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows u...

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What announcement most people are still expecting to hear from Donald Trump?

"Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

Kevin Hart and his Wife are expecting their first child together

and its already taller than Kevin.

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An American dude, a French dude, and a Japanese dude barely survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive.

The American dude says: *Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter.*

The French dude says: *Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand me...

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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

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A man from stockholm decieds to move away from the grinde of the big city and buys a house in northern sweden out in the middel of nowhere

After having bougth his house and get settled a local comes to his house and greats him
"Hi! im your closest neighbour and i wanna invite you to a welcoming party!"
The stockholmer is pleasnetly supprised and agrees
"Alrigth! ill see you tomorrow! but just so you know thiere is gonna ...

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