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Trust Jokes

So, you don't trust a doctor to stitch you up?

Fine. Suture self.

Detroit isn't That Bad... Trust Me

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The ...

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3 Chinese Tortures :).... Trust me You will love it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you ...

What is the definition of trust?

Two cannibals having a 69.

I don't trust people who can draw...

They all seem kinda sketchy.

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

I don't trust people with graph paper...

They're always plotting something.

My first three boyfriends all turned out to be pyromaniacs, and now I'm struggling to trust men.

I've just been burned too many times.

Why you shouldn't trust trees?

They seem shady

Why can't you trust a left-handed mathematician with graph paper?

They'll plot something sinister.

Never trust a plastic surgeon

that doesn't have skin in the game.

A good romance starts with trust, mutual respect and kindness.

A bad romance starts with Rah..Rah..Ah...Ah...Ah.....

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

Why can't you trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

I don't trust autistic kleptomaniacs

They take everything, literally.

Never trust female leaders.

They’re Ms. Leading.

I don't trust atoms.

If you run them through a background check, you'll see they always carry charges.

Trust is everything

Some teachers from an engineering school were invited to a trip.
After they were all comfortably seated, they were informed that the plane was built by their students.
They got up and ran desperately to the outside of the plane, almost panicking.
Only one teacher remained calm and seated at...

Never trust a dyslexic persons tarp..

It could be a trap!

I don't trust pidgeons

Because I'm afraid they would attempt a Coup

Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything!

>!sorry for the mandatory Cake day dad Joke!<

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Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

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I don't trust anyone who says "age is just a number"

...cause that shit is obviously just letters.

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A king has to go out and fight a crusade during the middle ages. he knows that his wife is very promiscuous and doesn't trust her to stay loyal while he is gone. he decides to install chastity belt device that whenever someone trys to have sex with her, their penis gets chopped off.

10 years later he returns from the crusade. he calls all the men from the village into his castle and orders them pull down their pants. one by one the men pull down their pants. the king finds that almost every man has their dick chopped off. however, the last man in line is still holding strong. t...

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship.

Because if you love your girlfriend and don't trust her 100%, how are you gonna know that she'll not tell your wife?

Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

He's afraid he'll get double crossed

My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me.

I guess that's just one more thing she has in common with my wife.

Never trust a ruler...

with them, you always know something foul is a-foot!

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Never trust a banker...

A guy walks into a bank and walks up to the teller, who happens to be an attractive young woman. The customer says, "Hey toots, great tits, I wanna open a fucking checking account. "

The teller is of course *instantly* offended. "Sir, that is insulting and sexist and I will *not* put up with ...

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A friend you can trust...

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the ...

Trust an overthinker when they tell you they love you.

They’ve already thought of every reason to not love you.

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You can always trust an Asexual to get a job done.

They never fuck around.

Why can't you trust an artist?

Cuz they're sketchy, shady, and they'll frame you

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his real estate agent to his bedside. “Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”

“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I on...

Here is why you should never trust a sandwich

They are full of baloney

A mother-in-law doesn't trust her sons-in-law...

...so she decides to test them.

First, she goes to the oldest's house. She jumps into a well, but her son-in-law rescues her promptly. The next morning, the oldest son-in-law finds a brand new Suzuki in front of his house with a little note: "Lots of love, your mother-in-law".

The next...

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What is trust?

Two cannibals sucking each other's dicks and not eating it.

"Never trust an actor with a gun"

said Abraham Lincoln

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Never Trust an Old Lady

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Lady: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one? ...

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People say, hey man why should we trust you? What's your track record?

Well, I think my track record speaks for itself.

4x100m Relay - Last

110m Hurdles - Last

1500m - Last

100m - Second Last (suck shit Craig)

4000m - DNF (medical)

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In honor of the current trend in r/pics: My wife refuses to send me nudes. She says she doesn't trust me with them.

Which is a shame because I know some guys who would pay serious $$$ for them.

I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t trust marine biologists

Something about them feels….. fishy

I don't have confidence or trust in elevators anymore

They always seem like they're up to something, but they also let me down quite often.

My guide dog doesn't trust me.

I can tell by the look in his eyes.

What do seniors trust less then politicians?

Farts.

I don't trust pigeons....

They're always planning some kind of coo...

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I don’t trust Freud. Only because ...

His theories aren’t testicle.

One thing I have learnt this year is to never trust acupuncturists

They'll stab you in the back the first chance they get

I knew a man who didn’t trust his hands

He had to keep them at arms length

Did you hear about the Ninja that couldn't trust anyone?

He always had a sneaking suspicion.

Last night at the pub my friend told me he doesn't trust doctors.

When I asked why he said, "About ten years ago I developed a limp and a pain in my leg. I went to the doctor and he told me that the problem was that one of my legs was shorter than the other, and that I would need to wear special shoe inserts to even them out." I replied, "That doesn't sound crazy....

Why shouldn't you trust a date who has a second watch?

They're a two-timer

Crush: Why should I trust you? All the guys I've been dating have been dogs.

Me: .........

Crush: Well? Aren't you going to say anything?

Me: ........... meow?

Never trust a duck that claims to know medicine

They always turn out to be quacks.

Why can’t your trust dating a person with a lazy eye ?

Cuz you’d always have to worry they would be seeing someone on the side.

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What do you trust more than the government?

The ads on Pornhub telling me girls within 3 miles of my location want to hook up.

Never trust someone that enjoys a Soviet Parade

There are a lot of red flags.

Why cant you trust Italians at an award ceremony?

They've been known to rig a Tony

You should never trust a tanned referee.

Because he's always unfair

You should never trust your balls.

Because they’re nuts. haha see what i did there?

A relationship with no trust is like having a phone with no service

You just play games.

I was told I had Trust Issues,

I don’t believe it though.

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The therapist told me that I need to work on my trust issues,

But I don't think he has my best interests in mind.

Don't trust anyone that drives an electric vehicle

They're shiftless.

Why can't you trust the Russian press?

Because they have no definite articles.

I don’t trust people with a hammer and sickle in their bio.

Big red flag.

"I may never trust my sister Linda again," a brunette woman told her blonde friend.

"What happened?" asked the blonde.

"Yesterday," said the brunette, "I came home from work and heard a strange noise coming from the bedroom. I went upstairs and saw my husband lying in bed. He looked exhausted. I asked him what was up, and he said he was having a heart attack. Just as I was l...

Never trust a website with purple terms and conditions.

They clearly violet your privacy.

You know why you can’t trust a lady goat?

Because they’re always kidding.

I don't trust a teacher who reviews every single piece of homework they give out

I think they're mass-grading as someone else.

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Why can you not trust door knobs?

Cause they can turn on you.

Why can you never trust African cats?

Because they're all either lion or cheetahs.

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?

"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

Never trust a ghost when it says "i love you"..

It was just the boos talking

Never trust people who sketch facial composites for police reports.

They're con artists.

Trust me you should never punch rocks

I found out the hard way

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