Here is why you should never trust a sandwich

They are full of baloney

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.

They're definitely plotting something.

I don’t trust staircases

They’re always up to something.

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I don’t trust Freud. Only because ...

His theories aren’t testicle.

Why can't you trust the Russian press?

Because they have no definite articles.

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What is the ultimate test of trust?

Letting a cannibal give you a Blowjob.

Apparently, 9 out of 10 people don’t trust stairs

They know they’re up to something

How to earn more trust and love by your spouse

I was advised to do this trusted trick. As per the plan, I was supposed to tell her in a romantic setting; how lucky I am though I do not deserve her being such a good person. Did everything right, I was about to tell her but she made my job easier. She told the same instead.

Never trust people who sketch facial composites for police reports.

They're con artists.

Don't trust anyone that drives an electric vehicle

They're shiftless.

What was the least trusted company in 2020?

Goodyear

There are two reasons why we don't trust people.

1. We don't know them
2. We know them

Never trust atoms.

They make up everything.

Trust me you should never punch rocks

I found out the hard way

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You know, I never really trusted my toilet.

He is just so frequently full of shit.

Never trust a surgeon

They will put a knife in your back whilst you're not looking.

I don't trust Comedy Corporations.

I can tell they're all up to some funny business.

I have a very good reason not to trust trees

They seem shady

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I started dating a girl who told me she had "serious trust issues"

I told her that I would make it my mission to help her learn to be better. That I would stay by her side, never hurt her, and understand that it will take time to earn her trust.

She said no, that's the issue... "I trust anyone too quickly."

So following thru with my mission I told he...

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When all is said and done it'll probably be safe to trust the coronavirus vaccine made by Pfizer...

Pfizer makes Viagra. If they can raise the dead, they can certainly take care of the living!

People used to put a lot of trust in the ship making industry...

But then the unsinkable happened

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Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

I don't trust the tree in my front yard.

It seems kind of shady.

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If police never did wrong, people would trust them

Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ....

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I...

My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me

I guess that’s just one more thing she has in common with my wife.

Why do most people don't trust China?

Because they raise a red flag every time.

I trust the highway to hell, but not the stairway to heaven

because it's up to something.

LPT: The key to job security is not just cultivating a strong relationship with your boss, but your boss' boss as well. Having constant open dialogue, strengthening trust, and exhibiting vulnerability is key especially during periods of layoffs...

That way over time you'll hopefully build up enough black mail material to against them in case they ever want to fire you.

I don't trust artists.

They're really sketchy.

Why are a trans kid's parents trust worthy?

You can always count on them being transparent .

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Why can you always trust people with colostomy bags?

They're the only people you know aren't full of shit!

(Made this up today and got hit with a waterbottle by my wife!)

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3 men standing in front of the gates of heaven

Peter says: "Sorry guys. We're closed."
"But Peter.. We're dead. You have to let us in."
Peter: "I'll make you a deal: If the story of how you died is awesome, I'll let you in."

So the first man begins to tell his story:
"I am an attorney and I work every day from 6am to 8pm but THI...

I've never trusted an amateur masseuse.

They just rub me the wrong way.

Don't trust the left-handers

Something's not right about them.

Why don't people trust those who say they can heal you with crystals?

Because they do crystal math

Why should you never trust a deaf pirate?

In case of mute-iny

I don’t trust people with a hammer and sickle in their bio.

Big red flag.

A good romance start with foundation of trust and a good friendship

A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la

Never trust a dyslexic person's tarp

It could be a trap!

I saw a sign at McDonald's, it said,"We do not accept bills over $20."

Trust me, if I had more than $20, I wouldn't be eating at McDonald's.

Don't trust someone who disrespects Old Glory by coloring in the white stripes

That's just a big red flag

Never trust a ghost when it says "i love you"..

It was just the boos talking

So, you don't trust a doctor to stitch you up?

Fine. Suture self.

Why can you never trust African cats?

Because they're all either lion or cheetahs.

Trust A Fellow Officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, wh...

Trust me...you can dance

-Love alcohol

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What’s the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob

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There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..

He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.

A Polish man moves to Korea and tries to find work

He looks for work everywhere but can’t find any, until after thorough searching he lands an interview at a car dealership. The man is interviewed by the boss, who not only has a poor grasp on English, but he also seems to have a very hard time getting his name right. The man tries to explain his nam...

What did Microsoft say so everyone could trust them?

You have our word.

I don’t trust elevators...

I’ve taken a lot of steps to avoid them.

If someone trusts you enough to sleep next to you multiple times,

That makes you a re-lie-able person .

Proof we don't really trust anyone:

"Are you sitting on the remote?"

"No"

"..stand up so I can see"

When shopping for a vacuum on amazon, never trust a 5 star review.

There is no such thing as a perfect vacuum.

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Guy walks into a Doc's office

He says, "Doc I got this feeling something's eating away at my guts."

The Doc takes a look and says, "Oh no... What you've got is a rare hookworm. The thing is we can't just pull it out. It's hooked in there nice and good. We've got to coax it into coming out so we can grab it. Now you're jus...

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A Bacon Tree

Way back in the cowboy days, a wagon train was travelling West and hadn't seen anyone in days. One day, they came across an old Jewish man sitting under a tree, all by himself. The leader of the wagon went over to the Jew and said "Hey, what are you doing way out here?" The Jew replied, and told the...

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My girlfriend’s sister is Hot!

my gf called me to her house one day. i went there & found her sister alone in the house. she was unbelievably sexy than my gf. she whispered in my ear, "i have feelings for you, make love to me once" i turned around & walked to thefront door towards my car. amazingly i found my gf standing ...

You can never trust tall people...

They always think they’re above everyone else.

A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army.

Neither of the 3 are very happy about it and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam. As They are waiting in line at the doctors office their desperation builds up untill right before it's the rabbits turn.
The rabbit turns to the fox: "Fox I might h...

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots

The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up.

The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “again.”

The bartender looks a little confused, but lines of 12 more shots.

The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”

The bart...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

“You see," Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components.”

Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues, "For the last five years, I've been swallowing piec...

A wife desperately tries to prove to her husband that her affair is over.

He had already forgiven her, but still hadn’t spoken to her in days. The only thing she could think of, is that he must still not trust her. To convince him, she cut her ex lover’s obituary out of the newspaper. Her affair ended long before the accident, but she thought she could ease her husband’s ...

Why should you always trust fax machines?

Cuz they be straight up spitting fax all the time

"I may never trust my sister Linda again," a brunette woman told her blonde friend.

"What happened?" asked the blonde.

"Yesterday," said the brunette, "I came home from work and heard a strange noise coming from the bedroom. I went upstairs and saw my husband lying in bed. He looked exhausted. I asked him what was up, and he said he was having a heart attack. Just as I was l...

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

Detroit isn't That Bad... Trust Me

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The ...

Why didn't the 4 year old trust her doodle?

It was a little sketchy.

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A rat an an elephant are walking around when the rat falls into a hole.

The rat panics as the hole was deep and he couldnt get out. The elephant looks at the situation and offers help.

“I know this isnt’t ideal but youre gonna have to trust me”

The rat desperate and exhausting all other options he asks for the elephants idea

“Im gonna stick my pen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There lived a King who had a beautiful wife.. (NSFW)

On an important occasion, he had to leave his kingdom to meet another king! Since his wife was young and beautiful, he was worried that he may cheat on him with someone in his palace. So before leaving the kingdom, he slathered poison on his wife's tits.


The King returned after a couple o...

I knew a man who didn’t trust his hands

He had to keep them at arms length

I have a hard time trusting people that use pencils to draw.

They're sketchy.

0.81818181818 is not to be trusted.

he's got something to do with 9/11.

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I o...

On the way to a teacher convention the pilot makes an announcement, before taking off I should tell you that the plane has been made by your students

All the teachers throw themselves out the door as quick as possible except one, the pilot puzzled comes closer and asks him:

- do you trust that much your students?

- Of course, the teacher answers with a peaceful voice, I'm pretty sure the plane won't even start.

A wise man once said:"never trust atoms!"

"They make up everything"




I'll see my way out

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A young man is heading home from a big night in the town. As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.


As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.


He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"


The sex wo...

Why should you always trust an audio engineer?

Because they give sound advice.

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

A man had trouble trusting people

However, everytime he used paper towels to clean his nose, he was perfectly fine.

He had trust tissues.

Why can't you trust a duck with bomb defusal?

They quack under pressure.

Why can you always trust a hippopotamus?

Because hips don't lie.

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

Why can’t you trust the President?

Because he Lysol day.

Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

He's afraid he'll get double crossed

I thought by now you'd realise

A taxidermist and his apprentice are working late into the night to get their big project done - a full size lion on a purpose built stand. This once-mighty big cat had been killed in a fight with another lion, and was being fixed up for display at a natural history museum. The taxidermist had skill...

In honor of the eve of April Fools Day... just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one.

Just treat it like it's any other day.



Have fun!

We shouldn't trust China on Coronavirus numbers

I mean, there are a bunch of red flags.

I don’t trust people that use large format printers.

They’re always plotting something.

I just learned the hard way not to trust a fart while on laxatives...

...well, actually it was the soft way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am never trusting in British girl again

She told me she's 400 pounds
and when we met she was a skinny ass model.

Wtf is wrong with people these days.

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Feet and penis size are not related

Trust me, my feet are huge

A relationship with no trust is like having a phone with no service

You just play games.

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

My boss said that for this new contract need someone someone he can trust, someone reliable. I replied "You can count on me, my second name is reliable."

My first name is Un.

Never trust a train.

They have loco motives.

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I’m formally taking a hard stance against the human body.

Until it can be consistent that a fart is just a fart, I’m not trusting it with shit.

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.

Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".

Genie: Wait, what? Why?

Man: It's for a joke, trust me.

Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?

Man: Yes.

Burger King: Have it your way.

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