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A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

I don't trust people who can draw...

They all seem kinda sketchy.

Trust an overthinker when they tell you they love you.

They’ve already thought of every reason to not love you.

One thing I have learnt this year is to never trust acupuncturists

They'll stab you in the back the first chance they get

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Never trust a banker...

A guy walks into a bank and walks up to the teller, who happens to be an attractive young woman. The customer says, "Hey toots, great tits, I wanna open a fucking checking account. "

The teller is of course *instantly* offended. "Sir, that is insulting and sexist and I will *not* put up with ...

A good romance starts with trust, mutual respect and kindness.

A bad romance starts with Rah..Rah..Ah...Ah...Ah.....

Why can't you trust an atom?

Because they make up everything

The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom...

I don't trust stairs.

They are always up to something.

I don’t usually trust trees.

Some of them can be pretty shady.

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Did you know that your ass can’t be trusted?

It’s always talking shit behind your back.

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A king has to go out and fight a crusade during the middle ages. he knows that his wife is very promiscuous and doesn't trust her to stay loyal while he is gone. he decides to install chastity belt device that whenever someone trys to have sex with her, their penis gets chopped off.

10 years later he returns from the crusade. he calls all the men from the village into his castle and orders them pull down their pants. one by one the men pull down their pants. the king finds that almost every man has their dick chopped off. however, the last man in line is still holding strong. t...

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You can always trust an Asexual to get a job done.

They never fuck around.

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What is the definition of trust?

Letting a cannibal give you a blowjob.

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What is trust?

Two cannibals sucking each other's dicks and not eating it.

Anyone wanna hear one about a couple olives? (it’s long but worth the read trust me)

So there are these 2 olives right, let's call
them Frank and Bobby…… and these two
are long time best friends, and they’re as good of guys as they come, and always just having a good time together. Nice as can be. Just some good timing olives you know? Anyways they're on a high top table at a ...

I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t trust marine biologists

Something about them feels….. fishy

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship.

Because if you love your girlfriend and don't trust her 100%, how are you gonna know that she'll not tell your wife?

Anakin Skywalker walks into a Taco Bell, and is shocked to find his master Yoda behind the counter

He asks what the Jedi master is doing there, to which he replies "Pay well, Jedi council does not. Work two jobs, I must." Fair enough, thinks Anakin. He orders his food, and reaches into his pocket to pay, when Yoda asks, "A beverage, would you like with that?" "Ok," says Anakin, "what do you recom...

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What is the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving eachother blowjob.

"Drive that thing like you stole it!"

One Friday night, when I was a teenager getting ready to go out, my Dad handed me the car keys and said, "Have fun, son. And remember. Drive that thing like you stole it!"

Upset, my Mom immediately asked why he would say such a reckless thing to his teenager.

To which my Dad replied, "...

The last wish

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor, and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash.

He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin.

He told them that he wanted ...

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I can’t trust my proctologist…

…he keeps giving me bum advice!

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People say, hey man why should we trust you? What's your track record?

Well, I think my track record speaks for itself.

4x100m Relay - Last

110m Hurdles - Last

1500m - Last

100m - Second Last (suck shit Craig)

4000m - DNF (medical)

A man falls into the water and a large fish swiftly approaches him, teeth first.

A man falls into the water and a large fish swiftly approaches him, teeth first.

The man kicks it in the nose.

"Ouch!" the fish cried. "You didn't have to do that! All I wanted was to give you something."

He doesn't trust talking fish. "What did you expect in return?"

"O...

I don't have confidence or trust in elevators anymore

They always seem like they're up to something, but they also let me down quite often.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

A teacher asks a “dumb” student a question…

“If I give you 5 apples and take 3, what will you have?” “Trust issues”

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In honor of the current trend in r/pics: My wife refuses to send me nudes. She says she doesn't trust me with them.

Which is a shame because I know some guys who would pay serious $$$ for them.

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A woman walks into a tattoo shop...

After her session, she lifts her shirt.

Woman: "I trust these will cover it?"

Artist: "Wh-what are you doing?"

Woman: "I'm paying you."

Artist: "I'm confused."

Woman: "You know? Tit for tat."

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?

"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

"Never trust an actor with a gun"

said Abraham Lincoln

How many of me does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Trust me, you're gonna want to keep the light off.

My guide dog doesn't trust me.

I can tell by the look in his eyes.

Why does the sun never set on the British empire?

Because God can't trust the British in the dark.

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My therapist says I have a problem trusting people.

Or at least she claims she’s my therapist.

A madhouse was to be demolished.

All the interns were to be transported to a new mental asylum. So they loaded a truck with all the patients that reside there, as well as some of the psychiatric staff to maintain the order, but in the middle of the way to the madmen's new home, there was a violent accident that resulted in the cras...

My girl friend was complaining that I care more about programming than her.

I told her,

"Trust me baby, in the array of my interests you are [1]."

She was satisfied.

Two guys were having car trouble.

Their car eventually broke down in the country near a farm. It was late and cold so they decided they would ask the farmer if he would put them up for the night.


They approached the farmhouse and knocked on the door. The farmer, a massive bearded hulk of a man, brandishing a double-barrel...

Never trust people who renovate kitchens

they specialize in counterfeiting.

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Never Trust an Old Lady

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Lady: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one? ...

I don't trust pigeons....

They're always planning some kind of coo...

Graphing calculators cannot be trusted.

Theyre plotting something, I can feel it.

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If police never did wrong, people would trust them

Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ....

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.

They're definitely plotting something.

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

What do seniors trust less then politicians?

Farts.

A new Russian "recruit" goes to the Armory to get his weapons.

The armorer looks around, and seeing there are no guns left, hand the soldier a broomstick.

"But Comrade!" complains the recruit. "The enemy have real guns! How will this help me?"

The armorer says to him, "Just point this at them and say 'Bang Bang Bang!' It will work."

"But ...

Why can't you trust a puppeteer?

Because he's always pulling the strings

Why shouldn't you trust a date who has a second watch?

They're a two-timer

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Once upon a time..

..there was a king who had an attractive queen as his wife. Naturally all the ministers in his court took a liking to her beauty and secretly wanted to have their way with her.

A neighboring kingdom waged war against the king so he had to go over there to make peace talks.

The minister...

So, you don't trust a doctor to stitch you up?

Fine. Suture self.

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

Never trust a cheap hooker.

She'll turn on a dime.

Did you hear about the Ninja that couldn't trust anyone?

He always had a sneaking suspicion.

Why can’t your trust dating a person with a lazy eye ?

Cuz you’d always have to worry they would be seeing someone on the side.

Jealous wife and the Food processor

A jealous wife, while on a road trip with her friends, would call her husband everyday to check on him.

Her: Where are you?

Him: At home hun.

Her: Don't trust you. Can you run the food processor for me so I know you are home?

Him: Sure Hun .

Whirrrrrrrrrr

Hi...

Never trust someone that enjoys a Soviet Parade

There are a lot of red flags.

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Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

Detroit isn't That Bad... Trust Me

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The ...

I was told I had Trust Issues,

I don’t believe it though.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though ...

You should never trust your balls.

Because they’re nuts. haha see what i did there?

Never trust a duck that claims to know medicine

They always turn out to be quacks.

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Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

A man is tucking his child into bed at night.

The child says "Dad I'm scared. I think our house is haunted. "

The dad laughs and says "What makes you say that? I've never seen a ghost in my life."

The child says "Well, sometimes when you're not home I hear noises coming from mommys room and see a strange man in the hallway."
...

You should never trust a tanned referee.

Because he's always unfair

On the Bulgarian edition of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire...

The new contestant sits on the chair. He just grunts at the host's introduction questions, so they get straight to the game.

First question - Which city is the capital of Bulgaria:

* A. Sofia
* B. Moscow
* C. London
* D. Paris

Respondent: "I'd like to ask the audience."...

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The therapist told me that I need to work on my trust issues,

But I don't think he has my best interests in mind.

Why cant you trust Italians at an award ceremony?

They've been known to rig a Tony

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I don’t trust Freud. Only because ...

His theories aren’t testicle.

Why can't you trust the Russian press?

Because they have no definite articles.

When your a spoiled brat and your dad is a trusts lawyer

Kid starts throwing a tantrum in a department store:

Kid: If you don’t buy this for me for Christmas I’ll kill myself!”

Dad: “Well then it’s a good thing I took out that life insurance policy on you”

Kid: “Ughhh! I hate you!”

Dad: “I love you too”

Kid: “Didn’t you ...

Last night at the pub my friend told me he doesn't trust doctors.

When I asked why he said, "About ten years ago I developed a limp and a pain in my leg. I went to the doctor and he told me that the problem was that one of my legs was shorter than the other, and that I would need to wear special shoe inserts to even them out." I replied, "That doesn't sound crazy....

Don't trust anyone that drives an electric vehicle

They're shiftless.

Never trust a website with purple terms and conditions.

They clearly violet your privacy.

You know why you can’t trust a lady goat?

Because they’re always kidding.

Two friends meet for a night out..

After they check their finances they realize that they have only 3$ left. Moe tells Joe „no worries, I have an idea but you have to trust me“. Joe agrees and follows Moe to a butcher shop where he bought a big sausage. He puts the sausage into his pants.

„Now let’s go to the bar“ Moe says and...

I don’t trust people with a hammer and sickle in their bio.

Big red flag.

Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

He's afraid he'll get double crossed

Gabriel ask god have about his latest creation

what is this?

"its human"

what is that 2 round thing?

"it's called eyes, so they can see my other creations"

and this thing?

"it's called hands, so they can create things just like i did"

and this?

"it's toe, for the furniture"

what furniture?...

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Why can you not trust door knobs?

Cause they can turn on you.

What was the least trusted company in 2020?

Goodyear

I don't trust a teacher who reviews every single piece of homework they give out

I think they're mass-grading as someone else.

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3 Chinese Tortures :).... Trust me You will love it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you ...

How to earn more trust and love by your spouse

I was advised to do this trusted trick. As per the plan, I was supposed to tell her in a romantic setting; how lucky I am though I do not deserve her being such a good person. Did everything right, I was about to tell her but she made my job easier. She told the same instead.

Never trust people who sketch facial composites for police reports.

They're con artists.

What is the most common middle name?

Its Y.

If you don't trust me, verify by asking 10 random people around you.

Why can you never trust African cats?

Because they're all either lion or cheetahs.

Trust me you should never punch rocks

I found out the hard way

Never trust a ghost when it says "i love you"..

It was just the boos talking

I knew a man who didn’t trust his hands

He had to keep them at arms length

Never trust a surgeon

They will put a knife in your back whilst you're not looking.

Why don't people trust those who say they can heal you with crystals?

Because they do crystal math

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