Don't trust the left-handers

Something's not right about them.

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Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

I don’t trust people with a hammer and sickle in their bio.

Big red flag.

I don't trust stairs

They're always up to something

Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

A good romance start with foundation of trust and a good friendship

A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la

Don't trust someone who disrespects Old Glory by coloring in the white stripes

That's just a big red flag

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If police never did wrong, people would trust them

Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ....

Trust A Fellow Officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, wh...

Never trust a ghost when it says "i love you"..

It was just the boos talking

If someone trusts you enough to sleep next to you multiple times,

That makes you a re-lie-able person .

I never trust chiropractors

They always talk behind your back

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

“You see," Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components.”

Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues, "For the last five years, I've been swallowing piec...

Proof we don't really trust anyone:

"Are you sitting on the remote?"

"No"

"..stand up so I can see"

I don’t trust elevators...

I’ve taken a lot of steps to avoid them.

Why can you never trust African cats?

Because they're all either lion or cheetahs.

When shopping for a vacuum on amazon, never trust a 5 star review.

There is no such thing as a perfect vacuum.

Why didn't the 4 year old trust her doodle?

It was a little sketchy.

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

So, you don't trust a doctor to stitch you up?

Fine. Suture self.

You can never trust tall people...

They always think they’re above everyone else.

What did Microsoft say so everyone could trust them?

You have our word.

Why should you always trust fax machines?

Cuz they be straight up spitting fax all the time

I don’t trust those trees, son.

Son: What?! Why not?

They seem kinda shady to me.

Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..

He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.

A man had trouble trusting people

However, everytime he used paper towels to clean his nose, he was perfectly fine.

He had trust tissues.

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What’s the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob

A wise man once said:"never trust atoms!"

"They make up everything"




I'll see my way out

Why can you always trust a hippopotamus?

Because hips don't lie.

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said ...

I have a hard time trusting people that use pencils to draw.

They're sketchy.

Why can’t you trust the President?

Because he Lysol day.

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I o...

0.81818181818 is not to be trusted.

he's got something to do with 9/11.

We shouldn't trust China on Coronavirus numbers

I mean, there are a bunch of red flags.

In honor of the eve of April Fools Day... just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one.

Just treat it like it's any other day.



Have fun!

Why should you always trust an audio engineer?

Because they give sound advice.

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A guy walks into a brothel and ask that the three most requested girls are brought in front of him(long)

A beautiful blond, brunette and a red head now stand before him, yet he simply can't decide who to pick. The man turns to the blond and ask. "Why are you so popular with the customers?"

She smiles an replies "You may not believe this, but when I get screwed in my ass really good, it congratul...

"I may never trust my sister Linda again," a brunette woman told her blonde friend.

"What happened?" asked the blonde.

"Yesterday," said the brunette, "I came home from work and heard a strange noise coming from the bedroom. I went upstairs and saw my husband lying in bed. He looked exhausted. I asked him what was up, and he said he was having a heart attack. Just as I was l...

I knew a man who didn’t trust his hands

He had to keep them at arms length

I don’t trust people that use large format printers.

They’re always plotting something.

PSA: Don’t buy shoes from your drug dealer.

Trust me. I did. I don’t know what they were laced with but I was tripping all day.

Why can't you trust a duck with bomb defusal?

They quack under pressure.

Will you get married?

Before Marriage:

Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: No don't even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: Never. Why are you even a...

What is a cowboy's favorite car?

You think it would be the Mustang, but he trusts his life with his reVolvo.

P.S. please no comments about the StetsonWagon....

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

I just learned the hard way not to trust a fart while on laxatives...

...well, actually it was the soft way.

Detroit isn't That Bad... Trust Me

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The ...

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John is making love with his wife

John and his wife are living in an apartment complex and they make love pretty regularly. Every night when they do it the wife moans uncontrollably.
One day, John's old neighbor, Peter approaches him.
\-Hey John, uhm, I don't know how to tell you this, but every night when you make love to...

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I am never trusting in British girl again

She told me she's 400 pounds
and when we met she was a skinny ass model.

Wtf is wrong with people these days.

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The King had a promiscuous wife...

He did not trust her with his life, but custom dictated that he remained with her until the end of time.
One day came a call for war. The king and his soldiers suited up to face the enemy, but there remained one thing he had to do. To ensure that the queen wouldn't go whoring about in his absenc...

Ever since I was diagnosed with dyscalculia, I don’t trust anyone anymore.

I can’t count on anybody.

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

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You can never trust what your stomach is saying.

It's constantly making shit up.

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and coke

The bartender says “sure thing” and reaches below the bar. He puts an apple down in front of the guy and says nothing. The man says “sorry but I ordered a rum and coke.” The bartender says, “just take a bite.” So the man takes a bite and is surprised. “This tastes like rum.” He says. The bartender n...

Why should you never trust a cannibal to make dinner?

They'll put blood, sweat and tears into it.

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A guy walks into a doctors office

and sits down on the table. The doctor asks him “what’s going on?” The guy says “d-d-doctor, I d-d-don’t know w-w-whats g-g-going on. I c-c-can’t st-st-stop st-st-stuttering!” So the doctor calms him down and says “we’ll need to do a throughout physical examination to see what’s the root cause of th...

My boss said that for this new contract need someone someone he can trust, someone reliable. I replied "You can count on me, my second name is reliable."

My first name is Un.

I really don't trust acupuncturists

They're all back stabbers

[Since we are telling old golf jokes] A man's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and he has to go to a nearby farm ...

The farmer says he'd be happy to fix the car, but it will take three days. The man is welcome to stay with the farmer and his nine beautiful daughters, but since he doesn't trust the man, he has to sleep with the chickens.

The next day, the farmer asks how the man slept and the man says, "we...

Never trust a train.

They have loco motives.

Why do witches trust black cats?

Because their familiar

A relationship with no trust is like having a phone with no service

You just play games.

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5 important qualities

1. Its important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. Its important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. Its important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesnt lie to you.
4. Its important to have a woman, who is ...

Don't trust people called Toby

They are tobiased

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A little old lady walked into the National Bank & Trust... LONG

She walked up to the secretary of the president of the bank and asked to see him. The secretary told the bank president that there was a woman here to see him and he said to send her in.

Bank president says, "Well hello there madam, how may I help you today, do you need help with your acco...

Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

He's afraid he'll get double crossed

A tourist climbed out of his rental car in downtown Washington, D.C. He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city’s other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack.

As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”

“What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United ...

Why do French people not trust mermaids?

Because that girl is poisson.

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A father of 3 and one of his sons were cooking pizza

They put the pizza in the oven and waited

When the timer went off, the father went to pull it out when the son said “Let me pull it out.”

The father then said “You shouldn’t, it’s really hot.”

The son replied “Dad, you have 3 children, I don’t trust you to pull out.”

Why was the big fat guy good at making decisions?

He could trust his gut

Trust is everything

Some engineering teachers were invited to a long-distance flight by their university, all things payed.

When all the passengers were seated and ready to take off, the announcement came that the plane they were in was proudly built by their students.

Uproar. Madness.

Teachers scr...

What do you call an untrustworthy sheep?

A dodgy ram.

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

If a man has 1,000 bees, then you should marry him right away.

Trust me, he's a keeper.

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A king is about to go on a journey...

...and he gathers his knights. He informs them that he is leaving seven men to guard his queen. He tells these seven knights Ive given my queen a chastity belt. When I return the man who didnt try to sleep with her will be my trusted general and advisor. Upon the kings return he gathers the seven an...

Why i don’t trust the stairs at “hogwarts”?

Because they are subject to change.

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.

They're *always* plotting something.

Two hobos get together at the end of the day to see how much money they have.

Hobo 1: "I only have 1 dollar, what are we going to do?"

Hobo 2: " I have nothing. Okay, let's buy a Bologna sausage and then go to a bar, I have an idea."

So they buy a bologna sausage and go to a bar and drink a couple of beers on the tab. They have a great time, but it's getting qui...

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My therapist says I have trust issues.

I don't believe her though, because she's crazy.

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What do you trust more than the government?

The ads on Pornhub telling me girls within 3 miles of my location want to hook up.

I trust the doctors performing my Spinal cord bypass surgery

because they have my back.

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Always trust people who like big butts

They cannot lie

Why can't you trust a bard with your finances?

Because they always add more when they're recounting.

A Man finds a Lamp.

A man is walking down the beach, and finds a Lamp washed up on shore, excitedly he rubs it, and, as expected a Genie pops out.


Genie: Thank you for freeing me, I am Alquzam the Genie, grant you two wishes of almost anything you desire.

Man: Why only two? isn't it usually three?...

A man walks up to a woman with a chicken

He says, "Hey, check this out."

He turns towards the chicken and asks, "What do you call a male deer?"

The chicken replies, "Buck."

He asks the chicken again, "What do you call 200 pennies?"

The chicken replies, "Buck Buck."

The man starts laughing and says, "It ge...

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods. The convent provided all of their basic needs: cows for milk, sheep for cheese, grain for bread, and even bees for honey. However, one day a deadly plague swept through the land, infecting all of the siste...

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