Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up everything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never Trust an Old Lady

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Lady: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one? ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist says I have a problem trusting people.

Or at least she claims she’s my therapist.

What is the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving each other head.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

I don’t trust stairs.

They’re always up to something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The therapist told me that I need to work on my trust issues,

But I don't think he has my best interests in mind.

Why shouldn’t you trust a new artist?

Because they are a bit sketchy

Never trust someone that enjoys a Soviet Parade

There are a lot of red flags.

You should never trust your balls.

Because they’re nuts. haha see what i did there?

I don't trust those trees.

They seem kind of shady.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never trust someone who’s constipated

They’re full of shit

Did you hear about the Ninja that couldn't trust anyone?

He always had a sneaking suspicion.

You should never trust a tanned referee.

Because he's always unfair

How Can You Trust an Omnipotent, and Omniscient God...

When he's been plotting to kill you since the day you were born?

Why cant you trust Italians at an award ceremony?

They've been known to rig a Tony

When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.

Trust me. I’ve done like five of them.

Never trust people who renovate kitchens

they specialize in counterfeiting.

Never trust a duck that claims to know medicine

They always turn out to be quacks.

You know why you can’t trust a lady goat?

Because they’re always kidding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don’t trust Freud. Only because ...

His theories aren’t testicle.

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What is the ultimate test of trust?

Letting a cannibal give you a Blowjob.

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.

They're definitely plotting something.

Last night at the pub my friend told me he doesn't trust doctors.

When I asked why he said, "About ten years ago I developed a limp and a pain in my leg. I went to the doctor and he told me that the problem was that one of my legs was shorter than the other, and that I would need to wear special shoe inserts to even them out." I replied, "That doesn't sound crazy....

I've never trusted lizards...

right from the gecko.

I don't trust a teacher who reviews every single piece of homework they give out

I think they're mass-grading as someone else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can you not trust door knobs?

Cause they can turn on you.

Never trust a website with purple terms and conditions.

They clearly violet your privacy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

Why can't you trust the Russian press?

Because they have no definite articles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and meets God before going to heaven

God asks the man if he’s ever been unfaithful to his wife, to which the man replies that he has cheated several times. God then tells the man that in the afterlife the man will only be given an old, crappy car to drive.

Another man dies that day and meets God. God asks the man the same quest...

Don't trust anyone that drives an electric vehicle

They're shiftless.

How to earn more trust and love by your spouse

I was advised to do this trusted trick. As per the plan, I was supposed to tell her in a romantic setting; how lucky I am though I do not deserve her being such a good person. Did everything right, I was about to tell her but she made my job easier. She told the same instead.

What was the least trusted company in 2020?

Goodyear

Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the...

Queue anon.

Name 3 people that trust you

Now notice how you didn’t say young metro...

Never trust people who sketch facial composites for police reports.

They're con artists.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

Hopefully it is original. If it’s not, sorry!

3 guys are lost in a particular foreign Village and now the cold night arrived. So they tried to go around houses hoping someone will take them in for the night.

First house: Guy 1– We are lost and we need a place to stay the night. Can you take us in?

Owner(looks at the 3 of them)— ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If police never did wrong, people would trust them

Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ....

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You know, I never really trusted my toilet.

He is just so frequently full of shit.

Trust me you should never punch rocks

I found out the hard way

My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me

I guess that’s just one more thing she has in common with my wife.

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

I don't trust Comedy Corporations.

I can tell they're all up to some funny business.

People say the first year of marriage is the hardest

Trust me, the last year is way, way harder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started dating a girl who told me she had "serious trust issues"

I told her that I would make it my mission to help her learn to be better. That I would stay by her side, never hurt her, and understand that it will take time to earn her trust.

She said no, that's the issue... "I trust anyone too quickly."

So following thru with my mission I told he...

Never trust a surgeon

They will put a knife in your back whilst you're not looking.

An anti-vaxxer got a call from the Doctor.

The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."

"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When all is said and done it'll probably be safe to trust the coronavirus vaccine made by Pfizer...

Pfizer makes Viagra. If they can raise the dead, they can certainly take care of the living!

So, you don't trust a doctor to stitch you up?

Fine. Suture self.

People used to put a lot of trust in the ship making industry...

But then the unsinkable happened

I don't trust the tree in my front yard.

It seems kind of shady.

Why do most people don't trust China?

Because they raise a red flag every time.

I trust the highway to hell, but not the stairway to heaven

because it's up to something.

I don’t trust people with a hammer and sickle in their bio.

Big red flag.

Two women go to a hospital for tests.

One of them is worried she might be pregnant, and the other one has the sniffles. They get tested, but their results get switched. The woman with the sniffles receives the result saying that she's pregnant.

"Dammit!!" she exclaims, "You can't even trust vegetables anymore!"

Why don't people trust those who say they can heal you with crystals?

Because they do crystal math

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

I don't trust artists.

They're really sketchy.

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

LPT: The key to job security is not just cultivating a strong relationship with your boss, but your boss' boss as well. Having constant open dialogue, strengthening trust, and exhibiting vulnerability is key especially during periods of layoffs...

That way over time you'll hopefully build up enough black mail material to against them in case they ever want to fire you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can you always trust people with colostomy bags?

They're the only people you know aren't full of shit!

(Made this up today and got hit with a waterbottle by my wife!)

I've never trusted an amateur masseuse.

They just rub me the wrong way.

A good romance start with foundation of trust and a good friendship

A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la

Why should you never trust a deaf pirate?

In case of mute-iny

Recently I lost my friend’s trust and respect..

He didn't like to see me sniffing his little sister's panties. Maybe it was because she was wearing it, other than that I don't see what could have bothered him. Anyway, the rest of her funeral went very badly for me.

Why can you never trust African cats?

Because they're all either lion or cheetahs.

Don't trust the left-handers

Something's not right about them.

Detroit isn't That Bad... Trust Me

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The ...

Never trust a ghost when it says "i love you"..

It was just the boos talking

I don't trust GameCube games...

They're a little CD

Don't trust someone who disrespects Old Glory by coloring in the white stripes

That's just a big red flag

Trust me...you can dance

-Love alcohol

Trust A Fellow Officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -- it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, wh...

What did Microsoft say so everyone could trust them?

You have our word.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

I don’t trust elevators...

I’ve taken a lot of steps to avoid them.

Never trust a dyslexic person's tarp

It could be a trap!

I have a graph of my relationships

It has an Ex axis and a why axis, trust me I’ve been plotting for a while

When shopping for a vacuum on amazon, never trust a 5 star review.

There is no such thing as a perfect vacuum.

You can never trust tall people...

They always think they’re above everyone else.

Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

He's afraid he'll get double crossed

I knew a man who didn’t trust his hands

He had to keep them at arms length

"I may never trust my sister Linda again," a brunette woman told her blonde friend.

"What happened?" asked the blonde.

"Yesterday," said the brunette, "I came home from work and heard a strange noise coming from the bedroom. I went upstairs and saw my husband lying in bed. He looked exhausted. I asked him what was up, and he said he was having a heart attack. Just as I was l...

Proof we don't really trust anyone:

"Are you sitting on the remote?"

"No"

"..stand up so I can see"

A Lesson in History

The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the...

Why should you always trust an audio engineer?

Because they give sound advice.

0.81818181818 is not to be trusted.

he's got something to do with 9/11.

I have a hard time trusting people that use pencils to draw.

They're sketchy.

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