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A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom...

Why should you never trust trees?

They’re shady

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Never trust a banker...

A guy walks into a bank and walks up to the teller, who happens to be an attractive young woman. The customer says, "Hey toots, great tits, I wanna open a fucking checking account. "

The teller is of course *instantly* offended. "Sir, that is insulting and sexist and I will *not* put up with ...

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Did you know that your ass can’t be trusted?

It’s always talking shit behind your back.

A good romance starts with trust, mutual respect and kindness.

A bad romance starts with Rah..Rah..Ah...Ah...Ah.....

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A king has to go out and fight a crusade during the middle ages. he knows that his wife is very promiscuous and doesn't trust her to stay loyal while he is gone. he decides to install chastity belt device that whenever someone trys to have sex with her, their penis gets chopped off.

10 years later he returns from the crusade. he calls all the men from the village into his castle and orders them pull down their pants. one by one the men pull down their pants. the king finds that almost every man has their dick chopped off. however, the last man in line is still holding strong. t...

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What is the definition of trust?

Letting a cannibal give you a blowjob.

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You can always trust an Asexual to get a job done.

They never fuck around.

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What is trust?

Two cannibals sucking each other's dicks and not eating it.

I don't trust stairs

They are always up to something

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

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What is the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving eachother blowjob.

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People say, hey man why should we trust you? What's your track record?

Well, I think my track record speaks for itself.

4x100m Relay - Last

110m Hurdles - Last

1500m - Last

100m - Second Last (suck shit Craig)

4000m - DNF (medical)

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?

"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship.

Because if you love your girlfriend and don't trust her 100%, how are you gonna know that she'll not tell your wife?

Anyone wanna hear one about a couple olives? (it’s long but worth the read trust me)

So there are these 2 olives right, let's call
them Frank and Bobby…… and these two
are long time best friends, and they’re as good of guys as they come, and always just having a good time together. Nice as can be. Just some good timing olives you know? Anyways they're on a high top table at a ...

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In honor of the current trend in r/pics: My wife refuses to send me nudes. She says she doesn't trust me with them.

Which is a shame because I know some guys who would pay serious $$$ for them.

I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t trust marine biologists

Something about them feels….. fishy

My girl friend was complaining that I care more about programming than her.

I told her,

"Trust me baby, in the array of my interests you are [1]."

She was satisfied.

My guide dog doesn't trust me.

I can tell by the look in his eyes.

I don't have confidence or trust in elevators anymore

They always seem like they're up to something, but they also let me down quite often.

"Never trust an actor with a gun"

said Abraham Lincoln

An astronaut lands on an alien world.

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the...

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You should never trust people with constipation.

Because they are full of shit

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My therapist says I have a problem trusting people.

Or at least she claims she’s my therapist.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

I don't trust pigeons....

They're always planning some kind of coo...

On the Bulgarian edition of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire...

The new contestant sits on the chair. He just grunts at the host's introduction questions, so they get straight to the game.

First question - Which city is the capital of Bulgaria:

* A. Sofia
* B. Moscow
* C. London
* D. Paris

Respondent: "I'd like to ask the audience."...

What do seniors trust less then politicians?

Farts.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though ...

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.

They're definitely plotting something.

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Never Trust an Old Lady

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Lady: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one? ...

Graphing calculators cannot be trusted.

Theyre plotting something, I can feel it.

Why shouldn't you trust a date who has a second watch?

They're a two-timer

Never trust people who renovate kitchens

they specialize in counterfeiting.

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Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

Never trust a cheap hooker.

She'll turn on a dime.

Why can’t your trust dating a person with a lazy eye ?

Cuz you’d always have to worry they would be seeing someone on the side.

So, you don't trust a doctor to stitch you up?

Fine. Suture self.

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If police never did wrong, people would trust them

Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ....

Gabriel ask god have about his latest creation

what is this?

"its human"

what is that 2 round thing?

"it's called eyes, so they can see my other creations"

and this thing?

"it's called hands, so they can create things just like i did"

and this?

"it's toe, for the furniture"

what furniture?...

Did you hear about the Ninja that couldn't trust anyone?

He always had a sneaking suspicion.

Never trust someone that enjoys a Soviet Parade

There are a lot of red flags.

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch

"Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and t...

You should never trust a tanned referee.

Because he's always unfair

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Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

Why cant you trust Italians at an award ceremony?

They've been known to rig a Tony

You should never trust your balls.

Because they’re nuts. haha see what i did there?

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

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The therapist told me that I need to work on my trust issues,

But I don't think he has my best interests in mind.

Never trust a duck that claims to know medicine

They always turn out to be quacks.

You know why you can’t trust a lady goat?

Because they’re always kidding.

Detroit isn't That Bad... Trust Me

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The ...

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I don’t trust Freud. Only because ...

His theories aren’t testicle.

Why can't you trust the Russian press?

Because they have no definite articles.

When your a spoiled brat and your dad is a trusts lawyer

Kid starts throwing a tantrum in a department store:

Kid: If you don’t buy this for me for Christmas I’ll kill myself!”

Dad: “Well then it’s a good thing I took out that life insurance policy on you”

Kid: “Ughhh! I hate you!”

Dad: “I love you too”

Kid: “Didn’t you ...

Last night at the pub my friend told me he doesn't trust doctors.

When I asked why he said, "About ten years ago I developed a limp and a pain in my leg. I went to the doctor and he told me that the problem was that one of my legs was shorter than the other, and that I would need to wear special shoe inserts to even them out." I replied, "That doesn't sound crazy....

Don't trust anyone that drives an electric vehicle

They're shiftless.

Never trust a website with purple terms and conditions.

They clearly violet your privacy.

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Why can you not trust door knobs?

Cause they can turn on you.

I don't trust a teacher who reviews every single piece of homework they give out

I think they're mass-grading as someone else.

What was the least trusted company in 2020?

Goodyear

Putin went to see his doctor

Putin went to see his most trusted advisor, who happened to be his personal physician. The doctor said, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?" Putin said, "I am a strong Russian man. I'll take the bad news." The doctor said, "the war is going badly. It will take another year to cr...

I don’t trust people with a hammer and sickle in their bio.

Big red flag.

My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me

I guess that’s just one more thing she has in common with my wife.

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Wrong hole ! Turn her over !”

An older man who had finally grown tired of being a virgin wanted to finally lose his virginity. So he called up his buddy who was very good with the ladies and asked him if he would help him organize a night for him and a hooker.

“No problem, I’ve got a perfect plan”, says his buddy. “We’ll...

What is the most common middle name?

Its Y.

If you don't trust me, verify by asking 10 random people around you.

How to earn more trust and love by your spouse

I was advised to do this trusted trick. As per the plan, I was supposed to tell her in a romantic setting; how lucky I am though I do not deserve her being such a good person. Did everything right, I was about to tell her but she made my job easier. She told the same instead.

Never trust people who sketch facial composites for police reports.

They're con artists.

An Australian ventriloquist goes on holiday to New Zealand.

He's got a mate who has a property there, and he asks innocently, 'G'day mate, can I talk to your horse?' The Kiwi splits his sides. 'Horses don't talk you stupid Aussie!' Still the Aussie says, 'Hey horse, is this Kiwi your owner?' The horse nods, to the Kiwi's surprise. 'How does he treat you?' as...

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A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product...

A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product.

Their CEO goes to an ad agency to inquire about creating a large billboard downtown. He meets with an account executive and explains his need: "We have a good business, but I just feel like most people have never heard of ...

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A man walk's into a bar the barman says "What can i get for you pal?"

The man replies " I'll have a rum and coke" the barman gives the man an apple. The man says "No i asked for a rum and coke the barman tells him to trust him and try the apple. The man bites into and says " Oh my god this is apple is amazing its taste's like Rum" the barman says "Turn it around" the ...

Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

He's afraid he'll get double crossed

The Knight and the chastity belt

Once upon a time a king was going off to war with his army. But he was worried about his wife's safety while he was away

"Sir Roger, you are my most trusted knight. I'm going to ask you to protect the Queen while I'm away. Here's the key to her chastity belt. It's only to be opened in case I ...

Trust me you should never punch rocks

I found out the hard way

Why can you never trust African cats?

Because they're all either lion or cheetahs.

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3 Chinese Tortures :).... Trust me You will love it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you ...

Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the...

Queue anon.

Never trust a ghost when it says "i love you"..

It was just the boos talking

Name 3 people that trust you

Now notice how you didn’t say young metro...

I trust the highway to hell, but not the stairway to heaven

because it's up to something.

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

Never trust a surgeon

They will put a knife in your back whilst you're not looking.

I knew a man who didn’t trust his hands

He had to keep them at arms length

Why don't people trust those who say they can heal you with crystals?

Because they do crystal math

Man was having a drink in the pub when the phone rang

he reached the pocket and answered, the wife asked him : "sweetheart, I'm going to the mall and I just took 1000 dollars from your desk, is that okay ?"

"absolutely", he answers, "treat yourself"

"thank you, but can I take 500 dollars more ?, my friend suggested me ...

"I may never trust my sister Linda again," a brunette woman told her blonde friend.

"What happened?" asked the blonde.

"Yesterday," said the brunette, "I came home from work and heard a strange noise coming from the bedroom. I went upstairs and saw my husband lying in bed. He looked exhausted. I asked him what was up, and he said he was having a heart attack. Just as I was l...

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