The definition of trust is

The definition of trust is two cannibals doing 69

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

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In honor of the current trend in r/pics: My wife refuses to send me nudes. She says she doesn't trust me with them.

Which is a shame because I know some guys who would pay serious $$$ for them.

I've never fully trusted stairs

They're always up to something

My guide dog doesn't trust me.

I can tell by the look in his eyes.

Trust is the most important thing in a relationship.

Because if you love your girlfriend and don't trust her 100%, how are you gonna know that she'll not tell your wife?

You can never trust an artist

Theyre super sketchy

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My therapist says I have a problem trusting people.

Or at least she claims she’s my therapist.

I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t trust marine biologists

Something about them feels….. fishy

I don't have confidence or trust in elevators anymore

They always seem like they're up to something, but they also let me down quite often.

I don't trust pigeons....

They're always planning some kind of coo...

"Never trust an actor with a gun"

said Abraham Lincoln

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You should never trust people with constipation.

Because they are full of shit

Never trust an atom

They make up everything

A good romance starts with a foundation of trust, friendship and mutual respect

A bad romance starts with rah rah-ah-ah-ah roma roma-ma gaga ooh-la-la.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

Why shouldn't you trust a date who has a second watch?

They're a two-timer

What do seniors trust less then politicians?

Farts.

Never trust a cheap hooker.

She'll turn on a dime.

Graphing calculators cannot be trusted.

Theyre plotting something, I can feel it.

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Never Trust an Old Lady

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Lady: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one? ...

Why can’t your trust dating a person with a lazy eye ?

Cuz you’d always have to worry they would be seeing someone on the side.

What is the most common middle name?

Its Y.

If you don't trust me, verify by asking 10 random people around you.

When I first adopted my dog he didnt trust me , he wouldnt even eat from my hand

Now he even eats out of my hand when im not looking

I don't trust those trees.

They seem kind of shady.

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A man goes to a Doctor's Office about his penis

A man walks gingerly into the office where he is met by a nurse with whom he speaks to

"Err, nurse? Excuse me, this isn't easy for me to say, but you have to promise you won't laugh"

"Well, sir, on my honour as a nurse and a lady, in my 20 years in this profession, I haven't once laugh...

You should never trust your balls.

Because they’re nuts. haha see what i did there?

Never trust people who renovate kitchens

they specialize in counterfeiting.

Did you hear about the Ninja that couldn't trust anyone?

He always had a sneaking suspicion.

Never trust someone that enjoys a Soviet Parade

There are a lot of red flags.

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subjec...

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The therapist told me that I need to work on my trust issues,

But I don't think he has my best interests in mind.

Why cant you trust Italians at an award ceremony?

They've been known to rig a Tony

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A man walk's into a bar the barman says "What can i get for you pal?"

The man replies " I'll have a rum and coke" the barman gives the man an apple. The man says "No i asked for a rum and coke the barman tells him to trust him and try the apple. The man bites into and says " Oh my god this is apple is amazing its taste's like Rum" the barman says "Turn it around" the ...

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

When your a spoiled brat and your dad is a trusts lawyer

Kid starts throwing a tantrum in a department store:

Kid: If you don’t buy this for me for Christmas I’ll kill myself!”

Dad: “Well then it’s a good thing I took out that life insurance policy on you”

Kid: “Ughhh! I hate you!”

Dad: “I love you too”

Kid: “Didn’t you ...

Man was having a drink in the pub when the phone rang

he reached the pocket and answered, the wife asked him : "sweetheart, I'm going to the mall and I just took 1000 dollars from your desk, is that okay ?"

"absolutely", he answers, "treat yourself"

"thank you, but can I take 500 dollars more ?, my friend suggested me ...

Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.

They're definitely plotting something.

You should never trust a tanned referee.

Because he's always unfair

Revenge of the penguins

There is this large group of penguins living their peaceful, penguin lives.

One day, a ship crashes and sinks nearby. A polar bear swims to the ice from the sinking ship and quickly falls asleep, obviously exhausted from his ordeal.

The penguins, having never seen a polar bear, th...

How do you know if someone owns an air fryer?

Trust me they'll tell you.

(Yes I have one)

Never trust a duck that claims to know medicine

They always turn out to be quacks.

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Not Safe for Work . . . Or Is It?

**He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.**

**Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.** **He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear, “Just relax.”**

**Without warning, he re...

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

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Bro, you really don't want to get into a dick-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.

I'm really good at measuring dicks.

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I don’t trust Freud. Only because ...

His theories aren’t testicle.

Why can't you trust the Russian press?

Because they have no definite articles.

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If police never did wrong, people would trust them

Nobody ever made a song called “Fuck The Fire Department” ....

Last night at the pub my friend told me he doesn't trust doctors.

When I asked why he said, "About ten years ago I developed a limp and a pain in my leg. I went to the doctor and he told me that the problem was that one of my legs was shorter than the other, and that I would need to wear special shoe inserts to even them out." I replied, "That doesn't sound crazy....

Mr. Putin Goes to School

One day Vladimir Putin arrived at an elementary school, where he gave a lecture on all the reasons why Russia, under his leadership, is the best country in the world. After the lecture, he invited the children to ask him questions, and almost everyone raised their hand enthusiastically - after all, ...

You know why you can’t trust a lady goat?

Because they’re always kidding.

How People In Alabama Pray

"In God We Trust In Family We Thrust"
-Sweet Home Alabama
"Amen"

Never trust a website with purple terms and conditions.

They clearly violet your privacy.

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Why can you not trust door knobs?

Cause they can turn on you.

I don't trust a teacher who reviews every single piece of homework they give out

I think they're mass-grading as someone else.

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A man walks into a casino with some friends

He places some bets on the roulette but can't win a single one. After all the unfortunate bets, he's about to leave but sees how one of his friends comes after him with loads of chips.

-Man, I won big time!

-I can see! -says the man- Tell me, how did you do it? I've not won...

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What is the ultimate test of trust?

Letting a cannibal give you a Blowjob.

So, you don't trust a doctor to stitch you up?

Fine. Suture self.

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

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There was once a woman who had a hundred children

She was a bit of an eccentric - you'd have to be to have a hundred kids after all. And so, she decided to give her children names after the order they were born in. So she had one, two, three, four, all the way through to hundred.

Her husband was eventually unable to keep up with the pressur...

Don't trust anyone that drives an electric vehicle

They're shiftless.

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

A defense Lawyer was cross-examining a police officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who pr...

What was the least trusted company in 2020?

Goodyear

A knight was about to ride off into battle.

Afraid that his wife would be unfaithful, he fitted her with a chastity belt. He gave the key to his best friend, telling him that he was the only person he could trust.

The knight rode off, and an hour later he heard the sound of galloping hoofbeats behind him. His friend rode up next to ...

When you make a suicide pact with someone, NEVER offer to go first.

Trust me. I’ve done like five of them.

My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me

I guess that’s just one more thing she has in common with my wife.

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An angry man walked into a Taverna one evening, and yelled "I hate the Greeks!"

He looked around, at the light blue wall paper, with the white Grecian key pattern going around the top. He stared into the eyes of the bar tender, a strapping young lad with an olive complexion, rich black hair, a glorious unibrow, and piercing green eyes.

"Are you a Greek?" he asked, menaci...

How to earn more trust and love by your spouse

I was advised to do this trusted trick. As per the plan, I was supposed to tell her in a romantic setting; how lucky I am though I do not deserve her being such a good person. Did everything right, I was about to tell her but she made my job easier. She told the same instead.

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The Lemon Cookie

A man has been feeling sick so he goes to see a doctor and the doctor diagnosed him as having a tapeworm.

The man is distraught, but the doctor tells him about a new experimental treatment for tapeworms. It doesn’t require any surgery, it’s completely outpatient, and it only take four days. <...

Never trust people who sketch facial composites for police reports.

They're con artists.

Two gentlemen are walking through the West End on their way to a show. One turns to the other and says, “I have a feeling a large number of right-wing wazzocks are going to be there tonight. Trust me, you’ll see the...

Queue anon.

Detroit isn't That Bad... Trust Me

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The ...

I don’t trust people with a hammer and sickle in their bio.

Big red flag.

I don't trust Comedy Corporations.

I can tell they're all up to some funny business.

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You know, I never really trusted my toilet.

He is just so frequently full of shit.

i heard that the tallest polish man was 9 foot

i wont trust that with a 10 foot pole

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

Trust me you should never punch rocks

I found out the hard way

Name 3 people that trust you

Now notice how you didn’t say young metro...

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If you should be scared of anyone it's porn stars...

Trust me, they're cumming for you

A joke I made up

There once lived an unmarried, flamboyant, lustful king who chased women and slept with everyone in his court. The day came for him to be married, and he went to see a local lord who was rumored to have two beautiful daughters. The king went to  meet the lord and his two beautiful daughters. After l...

"How can you watch Victoria Secret Fashion Week but still claim you love only me?" My wife asked

" The same way I watch Formula One whole weekend but still drive my trusted 2012 Toyota Camry everyday" I replied..

That satisfied her...

I just failed to mention I take rental at Enterprise when I go on business trips

I trust the highway to hell, but not the stairway to heaven

because it's up to something.

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I started dating a girl who told me she had "serious trust issues"

I told her that I would make it my mission to help her learn to be better. That I would stay by her side, never hurt her, and understand that it will take time to earn her trust.

She said no, that's the issue... "I trust anyone too quickly."

So following thru with my mission I told he...

Don't trust the left-handers

Something's not right about them.

Never trust a surgeon

They will put a knife in your back whilst you're not looking.

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When all is said and done it'll probably be safe to trust the coronavirus vaccine made by Pfizer...

Pfizer makes Viagra. If they can raise the dead, they can certainly take care of the living!

People used to put a lot of trust in the ship making industry...

But then the unsinkable happened

Why can you never trust African cats?

Because they're all either lion or cheetahs.

I don't trust the tree in my front yard.

It seems kind of shady.

Never trust a ghost when it says "i love you"..

It was just the boos talking

I've never trusted an amateur masseuse.

They just rub me the wrong way.

Why doesn't Jesus trust mankind?

He's afraid he'll get double crossed

Why don't people trust those who say they can heal you with crystals?

Because they do crystal math

I knew a man who didn’t trust his hands

He had to keep them at arms length

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Why can you always trust people with colostomy bags?

They're the only people you know aren't full of shit!

(Made this up today and got hit with a waterbottle by my wife!)

I don't trust artists.

They're really sketchy.

"I may never trust my sister Linda again," a brunette woman told her blonde friend.

"What happened?" asked the blonde.

"Yesterday," said the brunette, "I came home from work and heard a strange noise coming from the bedroom. I went upstairs and saw my husband lying in bed. He looked exhausted. I asked him what was up, and he said he was having a heart attack. Just as I was l...

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