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Predict Jokes

I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift

I am from the future I can predict the score of the super bowl LVII before it starts...

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The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can predict your favorite movie with one simple trick..

This math test will determine your favorite movie.
Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
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Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!
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Try this test and ...

Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict :

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium

an Amazon native can predict the weather

Engineers were preparing to build a highway in the middle of the Amazon forest when a native rocked up and told them to seek shelter because there would be heavy rain in 2 hours. The engineers looked up at the clear sky, didn't heed the man's prediction and continued with their work. In exactly 2 ho...

A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to

Absolute naansense

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

What do you call a formula that can predict Al Gore's dance moves?

An Al Gore Rhythm algorithm.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

What do you call a fat doctor who can predict the weather?

A meaty urologist.

The Ketchup shortage this year was so predictable.

But I guess Heinz sight is 2020

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

When she really died the next day, the King wanted to get the astrologer killed as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.

The guards brought the astrologer to the c...

Today, I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother, Broco Lee.

I met a few of his cousins too;

The one who can't take a joke, Serious Lee.

The one is always there last minute, Sudden Lee.

The one who doesn't understand Metaphors, Literal Lee.

The one who is always throwing shade, Sarcastic Lee.

The one who is so sure of himsel...

With climate change coming, economists predict that Canada will soon be the most powerful country in the world.

And then you all will be sorry.

I used to be a fortune teller but all I could predict was really cold winters.

Then I found out the crystal ball shop had sold me a snow globe..

I can successfully predict the winners of every divorce case. Here is the list:

The lawyers.

They say you can predict the next president based off bumper stickers.

According to my research the president should have been that one honor student.

My girlfriend gained 50 pounds and can now predict the weather.

She fancies herself a meatierologist.

You won’t believe how easy it is to predict the future!

All you need to do is to look into a crystal ball, purchasable from my website for only $999!

You don’t believe me?

See? Exactly what I predicted!

I always try to predict the punchline to jokes posted here.

I'm still trying to figure this one out.

I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year...

I have 20/20 vision.

Happy holidays folks.

— My watch can predict the future!

— That's impossible! Can you prove it?

— Sure! — glances at the watch — Right now it's saying you have no panties.

— You see? That is wrong, I have panties on right now.

— Oh, I'm sorry, its 10 minutes fast...

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

The creator of predictive text died today

His funfair is next monkey

If you drink that fluorescent liquid there's inside those party bracelets you can predict the future

My friend just drank 5 of them and said he was going to die, 2 hours later he was dead.

Scientists predict human-level artificial intelligence by 2030...

...maybe sooner if the bar keeps dropping.

I just watched a movie about a y=x graph

The plot was a bit predictable


And a little flat


Good special f(x) though

What is the difference between a long term spouse and a volcano?

With enough years of study and observation, one can predict a volcano’s explosive tendencies.

Why can't Popeye the Sailor's enemies ever predict whether or not he's purchased spinach that day?

Because no one expects the spinach acquisition!!!

Ommmmm....I predict in the Middle East, there'll be one country and The Persian Gulf

Just Kuwait and sea

I predict a major trend in the years to come...

Young will become the new old

My grandad predicted that the Titanic would sink

He went to great pains to try and alert everyone. Sadly no one would listen. He told people in authority, middle-management and even the every-day punters who bought tickets. He was silenced from every corner in spite of all the evidence he put forward. Eventually he was forcibly removed from the ci...

Where do meteorologists save their wheather predictions?

In the cloud.

I don't get people who try to predict the next US presidential election

I mean, do they think they have 2020 vision?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anybody could have predicted Hitler's rise to power.

After all, he dominated the Poles.

I think I'm getting better at predicting what people will do.

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See? I knew you'd click this post.

Why is Windows software so predictable?

You can see right through it.

I never make predictions.

I never have and I never will.

My uncle's death was predicted, he was told the exact day, and the exact time he would die. It happened as predicted.

The judge told him.

My wife didn't believe that my communist friend could predict the weather, but I said;

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

What do you call a machine used to predict the answer of a mathematical question before it has been proposed?

A calcuearlier

Scottish engineers have developed a new technique using microwaves for sterilising ambulances. They predict it will take the time to clean one down to under ten minutes.

The problem is getting the ambulance in without breaking the glass plate at the bottom

I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting:

Which girls are single.

In the early 2000s I predicted a global pandemic would happen in 2018

but hindsight is 2020.

56 years ago a prophet predicted Sean Connery's death.

Instead of: I expect you to die at the ripe old age of 90 while you sleep Mr. Sean Connery.

They ad libbed: I expect you to die Mr. Bond

Who could have predicted that in 2020,

Trump would introduce us to Hydroxychloroquine and ingesting bleach, while Falwell would come clean about his HyProxyChlorineQueen?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Psychic Prediction Convention 2018

[CLOSED] Due to unforeseen circumstances.

What do you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future?

Non-prophet.

Predictions of the relationship fallout of quarantine:

In one month divorce rates will spike.
In 9 months birth rates will spike.
In 13 years and nine months we will have quaranteens.

Did Any gamblers make money predicting the name of Harry and Meghan's daughter?

I wish I had a Lilibet.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bobby, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'

Living beside a groundhog means you get one prediction every morning.

Yesterday I learned that my tomatoes will be ripe in 6 weeks.

Today I learned that my dementia is onset and early.

Cars 3 Prediction.

Mcqueen's driving in the woods. There's no one around and his phone is dead. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots him: Shia LaBus.

I could not have predicted how this year went

I guess I don't have 2020 vision

What do you call a morbidly obese person who can predict the future?

A four-chin teller.

George Washington wasn't arrogant, but he did predict the $1 bill would contain his likeness.

In that regard, he was on the money.

What do you call a buff guy who predicts the weather and can treat a UTI?

A meaty urologist.





BONUS (courtesy of my girlfriend)



What do call someone who's available 24/7 and treats cancer?

An always oncologist.

Crowd: TO STOP PREDICTING THE FUTURE!

Chanter: WHAT DO WE WANT?

Crowd: LAST TUESDAY

Chanter: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

What would you name someone who can predict when people sneeze?

Nostrildamus

Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens

TIL There's a brief quiz that can predict your favorite wine. Take the quiz to see your ideal wine match.

1) What is your favorite wine?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How national weather service predicts weather.

It was autumn, and the Red Indians asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indee...

When I predicted this pandemic ahead of time everyone but my optician said I was nuts.

He told me I have 2020 vision!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[On the way to the therapist] Me: You’re going to bring up the fact that I always try to predict the future, aren’t you?

Her: Yes.

Me: I knew it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rednecks have a pretty predictable stance on sex ed.

If you're a redneck with a son, it's go forth and multiply, it's your God-given right and duty!

If you're a redneck with a daughter, it's don't have sex, I'll make sure your suitor leaves with bullet holes.

If you're a redneck with both, you don't bother. They already know

A middle-aged man has a mid-life crisis, and, predictably, buys a Ferrari.

A middle-aged man has a mid-life crisis, and, predictably, buys a Ferrari. He goes for a drive, and decides he wants to see how fast he can get his new super car.

He drives out to the country, where he opens up the throttle. 100km/h. 150km/h. 200km/h! He is absolutely flying.

All of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good Italian Girls

A young Italian-American girl was going on a date.....

Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat ... but don't let him do that.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea d...

Why are mexicans so predictable in Uno?

Because they always wish for the green card

Which piano player is the most predictable poker player?

Ben Folds

A CPU predicts you will walk into a bar

You do not.
Your wallet has been stolen.

My friend Claire predicted she'd be able to float in water

Guess she thought she was Claire bouyant.

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