I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift

I can successfully predict the winners of every divorce case. Here is the list:

The lawyers.

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

3 pregnant women are having lunch together when an elderly lady approaches them......... The elderly lady says: I can predict if you will have a boy or girl...... The Brunette says OK.....Will I have a boy or girl?????

The lady says...You were on top...you will have a boy....

The Brunette yells out.....I was on top and I am having a boy.

The elderly lady goes to the Red Haired woman and says....you were on bottom....you will have a girl

The Red Haired Woman yells out..... I was on bottom and I...

What do you call an overweight kidney doctor who can also predict the weather?

A meaty-urologist

The Ketchup shortage this year was so predictable.

But I guess Heinz sight is 2020

My girlfriend gained 50 pounds and can now predict the weather.

She fancies herself a meatierologist.

They say you can predict the next president based off bumper stickers.

According to my research the president should have been that one honor student.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw my therapist today, and said "You are going to bring up my obsession with predicting the future, aren't you?" She said Yes.

I said "I knew it!!"

I can predict the future!

You’re about to be disappointed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

You won’t believe how easy it is to predict the future!

All you need to do is to look into a crystal ball, purchasable from my website for only $999!

You don’t believe me?

See? Exactly what I predicted!

If you drink that fluorescent liquid there's inside those party bracelets you can predict the future

My friend just drank 5 of them and said he was going to die, 2 hours later he was dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anybody could have predicted Hitler's rise to power.

After all, he dominated the Poles.

Living beside a groundhog means you get one prediction every morning.

Yesterday I learned that my tomatoes will be ripe in 6 weeks.

Today I learned that my dementia is onset and early.

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

My uncle's death was predicted, he was told the exact day, and the exact time he would die. It happened as predicted.

The judge told him.

Where do meteorologists save their wheather predictions?

In the cloud.

When I predicted this pandemic ahead of time everyone but my optician said I was nuts.

He told me I have 2020 vision!

I finally figured out what horoscopes are good at predicting:

Which girls are single.

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A young Italian girl was going on her first date

Before the date her Nonna decided to give her some advice.

Nonna said, "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat ... but don't let him do that.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea da...

My watch can predict the future! — That's impossible! Can you prove it? — Sure! — glances at the watch — Right now it's saying you have no panties. — You see? That is wrong, I have panties on right now.

— Oh, I'm sorry, its 10 minutes fast...

Step 1: Travel back in time

Step 2: Impress people with your ability to predict the future

Step 3: ???

Step 4: Prophet

My grandad predicted that the Titanic would sink

He went to great pains to try and alert everyone. Sadly no one would listen. He told people in authority, middle-management and even the every-day punters who bought tickets. He was silenced from every corner in spite of all the evidence he put forward. Eventually he was forcibly removed from the ci...

Breznev and Nixon make a bet:

Breznev says: "In 2000 the entire world will be communist." Richard say he'd match that bet and predicts that the world would be entirely capitalist by 2000. They deep-freeze themselves.

In 2000 they are unfrozen. They go to a short wave and tune into "Voice of America": "... The central com...

What do you call a psychic who is bad at predicting the future?

Non-prophet.

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A young Native American boy is listening to his dad...

talk about how to read the skies, in order to know how much wood is needed for the winter. Being the youngest of two boys, as well as his older brother being the apple of his fathers eye, he knows he won't be made chief, so he saw no point in learning it. A few years later, a tradegy strikes the tri...

56 years ago a prophet predicted Sean Connery's death.

Instead of: I expect you to die at the ripe old age of 90 while you sleep Mr. Sean Connery.

They ad libbed: I expect you to die Mr. Bond

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I bet my friend that she couldn't stay away from cock for a whole month. We called the bet the

Prediction

Why can't Popeye the Sailor's enemies ever predict whether or not he's purchased spinach that day?

Because no one expects the spinach acquisition!!!

I think I'm getting better at predicting what people will do.

.
.
.
See? I knew you'd click this post.

Teacher asks their class of children to come up with a sentence beginning with "I"

After a few children come to the front with predictable statements about having a cat or a certain toy, a child steps up and says
"I is-" and is immediately interrupted by the teacher,
"I *am*!"
She side-eyes the teacher, frowns and ignores her teacher, starting again
"I is-" aga...

What do you call a machine used to predict the answer of a mathematical question before it has been proposed?

A calcuearlier

Why is Windows software so predictable?

You can see right through it.

Job descriptions

Lawyer: who writes a 15,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Accountant: who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor: who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker: who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it ba...

I used to be a fortune teller but i was really bad at it as i could only predict really bad winter storms..

Turns out i was using a snow globe...

I can accurately predict all the major events happening next year...

I have 20/20 vision.

Happy holidays folks.

Weather Journalist

A film crew was on a location deep in the Arizona desert. One day an old Red Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain".

The next day it rained. A week later, the red Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm".

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"Th...

I could not have predicted how this year went

I guess I don't have 2020 vision

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can predict your favorite movie with one simple trick..

This math test will determine your favorite movie.
Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
.
Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!
.
Try this test and ...

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

I always try to predict the punchline to jokes posted here.

I'm still trying to figure this one out.

Ommmmm....I predict in the Middle East, there'll be one country and The Persian Gulf

Just Kuwait and sea

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What do you call a device that predicts someone’s penis length?

A Cockulator

I just finished watching a mediocre documentary on mathematical functions.

The plot was predictable and the special f(x) was terrible.

Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict :

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium

What do you call a formula that can predict Al Gore's dance moves?

An Al Gore Rhythm algorithm.

Predictions of the relationship fallout of quarantine:

In one month divorce rates will spike.
In 9 months birth rates will spike.
In 13 years and nine months we will have quaranteens.

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Before this year started, none of us could have predicted all this: Kobe Bryant, Australian fires, Coronavirus quarantine, Tiger King, toilet paper hoarding.

I guess none of us truly had 2020 vision after all.

My wife didn't believe that my communist friend could predict the weather, but I said;

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists are predicting that an aurora will be created from all the self-isolating people stuck at home watching porn...

Due to the resulting coronal mass erection.

The first high definition photos have been received from the Mars rover, Perseverance.

As I predicted, it has found a McDonalds with a drive-thru lane, and a Walmart Supercenter.

It has also started receiving calls from telemarketers.

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

One day a court astrologer predicted that the Queen would die next day.

When she really died the next day, the King wanted to get the astrologer killed as he thought that he had purposefully conspired to kill the Queen to fulfill his prophecy.

The guards brought the astrologer to the c...

Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away

His funfair will be held next Monkey

Help! My husband keeps pressuring me to try Alan.

Also, how do I turn off predictive text?

I don't get people who try to predict the next US presidential election

I mean, do they think they have 2020 vision?

My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

Mary Poppins has moved to L.A. where she has opened a fortune-telling shop specializing in predicting future bad breath.

The sign outside reads: Super California Mystic Expert: Halitosis

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A man stores his money in a bank

A well looking man is at the bank and wants to deposit 100,000$, the bank manager gets closer to him and says:

"I have notice that you deposit huge amounts of cash every few days, is it OK if I ask, where to do find the money?"

"I'm betting" says the man

"what kind of betting?"<...

What do you call a man who can predict the number of fish a boat will catch?

A net prophet.

TIL There's a brief quiz that can predict your favorite wine. Take the quiz to see your ideal wine match.

1) What is your favorite wine?

I predict a major trend in the years to come...

Young will become the new old

The plastic straw bans now happening in many cities were predicted by a 16th Century prophet.

His name was No-straw-damus.

A CPU predicts you will walk into a bar

You do not.
Your wallet has been stolen.

I never make predictions.

I never have and I never will.

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Scientists have come up with a foolproof methodology of predicting when someone lies

There are 2 different approaches for each sexes.

For Males
OBSERVATIONS
1) the eyes deviate slightly to the left indicating the Male is accessing the creative part of the brain
2) heartrate elevates in an attempt to support the strain of the creative effort
3) pupils constrict s...

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A girl and a guy go out to eat...

A girl and a guy go out to eat at a nice restaurant. It was their first date and they wanted to learn more about each other.

They generally have a nice dinner. At the end the waiter comes over with the bill. After looking at the bill the girl gets up.

Girl: I need to use the bathroom. ...

Scientists predict human-level artificial intelligence by 2030...

...maybe sooner if the bar keeps dropping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a palmist

He wanted to know his future. So he went to a Palmist who saw his hand and predicted thus:

"From your 30th year you will live in a Big mason and there you will not have to cook your meals ever. Your meals will be served to you by attendants. There will be a lot of people around you and a l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I told you I can predict your next thought....

You'd think its bull shit, right?

I just watched a movie about a y = x graph

The plot was a bit predictable

And a little flat

Good special f(x) though

Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in predicting what is inside a wrapped present.

You can say...it’s a gift.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a school for kids with superpowers, but the new kid is different from everybody else

A kid asked him

"What's your power?"

The new kid responds

"I can predict the past."

"That's memory you fucking dumbass."

George Washington wasn't arrogant, but he did predict the $1 bill would contain his likeness.

In that regard, he was on the money.

How many meteorologists does it take to accurately predict the weather?

No one knows; it’s never been done.

Crowd: TO STOP PREDICTING THE FUTURE!

Chanter: WHAT DO WE WANT?

Crowd: LAST TUESDAY

Chanter: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

I was told, if I voted for Hillary, they predicted Obamacare would continue and we'd go to war with Syria...

I did, and the predictions came true!

A middle-aged man has a mid-life crisis, and, predictably, buys a Ferrari.

A middle-aged man has a mid-life crisis, and, predictably, buys a Ferrari. He goes for a drive, and decides he wants to see how fast he can get his new super car.

He drives out to the country, where he opens up the throttle. 100km/h. 150km/h. 200km/h! He is absolutely flying.

All of ...

A magician on a cruise ship

Is doing magic for a particularly rough crowd. There's a man in the audience with a parrot in his shoulder that is giving away all the tricks.

Every time he does a card trick the bird would scream," Its up his sleeve."

Every time he makes something disappear the bird would scream," s...

The Attorney's Wife

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, “What time of night to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Psychic Prediction Convention 2018

[CLOSED] Due to unforeseen circumstances.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Indian Chief predicts weather in modern society

It was autumn, and members of a Native American tribe asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a new Chief in a modern society and had never been taught the old secrets of Nature, he looked up at the sky and had no clue what to do. To play it safe, he rep...

My friend Claire predicted she'd be able to float in water

Guess she thought she was Claire bouyant.

What do you call a morbidly obese person who can predict the future?

A four-chin teller.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rednecks have a pretty predictable stance on sex ed.

If you're a redneck with a son, it's go forth and multiply, it's your God-given right and duty!

If you're a redneck with a daughter, it's don't have sex, I'll make sure your suitor leaves with bullet holes.

If you're a redneck with both, you don't bother. They already know

Which piano player is the most predictable poker player?

Ben Folds

NEWS FLASH.... Autumn is almost here, and Donald Trump has stated that "It will be getting cooler".

I don't know about you, but I think he's really going out on a limb, predicting stuff like that.

What would you name someone who can predict when people sneeze?

Nostrildamus

What do you call a fortune teller that always predicts happiness for her clients?

A hooker with a gimmick

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman
and asked:
'So Bobby, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?'

When a mute prophet is predicting the end of the world,

that's a sign of the end times.

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