I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield,

Sir Prise.

A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

Why are women expected to cook for their husbands?

Prisoners need to be fed.

A farmer is expecting his 3 daughters dates to arrive, so he hears a knock on a door, decides to grab his shotgun for intimidation, and opens it.

The first date arrives and says,
“Hello there! My name is Lance, and I’m here to take Chance out to the dance.”

So, the farmer calls his daughter, Chance, and they go off together. The another knock is heard, so he answers it again, shotgun in hand.

“Hey there, it’s me, Dave, and I’...

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A man is returning home a day earlier than expected from a business trip......

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because he suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the
act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, ya...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

I was told we were expecting twins.

I guess I got more than what i came for.

A man enters a shop with a spooky shopkshopkeeper Spooky shopkeeper: You may take whatever you like,but beware,everything comes with a price... Man :Yes I know how shops work Spooky shopkeeper: The price may be more than you expect to pay.... Man:Yes I know how taxes work too

Spooky shopkeeper: You may take whatever you like,but beware,everything comes with a price...
Man :Yes I know how shops work
Spooky shopkeeper: The price may be more than you expect to pay....
Man:Yes I know how taxes work too

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As expected, my therapist told me that I find it impossible to verbalize my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

I’m seeing a lot of heaven related jokes, so here’s a bad one to lower every bodies expectations-

What do angles fish for in heaven?
Holy mackerels

I had high expectations for doing great things in 2020. Instead I'm stuck at home jacking off and playing Nintendo.

The old 'bate and Switch.

I read Great Expectations the other day.

It wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be.

Three expectant mothers are in a doctors waiting room...

They are sitting there quietly knitting jumpers for their babies. After a while they start to chat, and ask each other what supplements they are taking for their babies. The first says "I'm taking calcium so my baby has strong teeth and bones". The second says "I'm taking Vitamin B so my baby grows ...

A new talented astronaut ascends to space carrying the expectation of all his crews

But moments just before he reached space, he decided to turn the rocket back and land back on earth.
After he got out, people questioned why he did that.
He said “my teacher once asked me what my dream was and when I said to become astronaut, she said well, the sky is your limit”

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

I mean what else do you expect...

...when your store name is Target

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

Star Trek fans always expect a gift when going to a convention

They call it the enter prize.

How many Karens did it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

She just holds the lightbulb in the socket and expects the rest of the world to revolve around her.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

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I expect today to be a really shitty day...

May as well start it off with Taco Bell for breakfast.

Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, Ma'am", he ...

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?


C'mon, you know the rules!!

People stabbing Julius Caesar were expecting a lot of things.......

Hearing Harder daddy! Was not one of them

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A wife yells at her husband

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"

Husband: "What did I do?"

Wife: "You slept with my sister, you bastard! "

Husband: "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what do you expect me to do? "

Wife: "The fucking a...

In what subject would you expect to be taught Trigonomnometry?

Mathefatics

Expectant mothers of Reddit, name your child Gotham.

When they cry in the middle of the night you can turn to your SO and whisper on their ear 'Gotham needs you!' and they will get up.

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

I asked the doctor where I should put my pants during my prostate examination.

“Over there next to mine,” was not the answer I was expecting.

When life gets you down, remember the immortal words of Monty Python.

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

A man has been found guilty for over using commas

The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence

There is an expected condom shortage of 100 million condoms within 6 months.

I’m single-handedly ensuring that I’m not contributing to this shortage.

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Blonde walks into a bank

A blonde walks into a bank in New York city, and talks to the bank's loan officer, asking for a loan.

Loan officer: "How much do you need to take a loan out for?"

Blonde: "Only $1000."

Loan officer: "Do you have collateral?"

The blonde pulls out the keys to a 2016 Ferrar...

A nun, badly in need of a restroom, walked into a local hooters. The place was hopping with music and load conversations and every once in a while, the lights would go out.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt in cheers.

The nun walked up to the bartender and asked, “may I please use the restroom?”

The bartender replied, “OK, but I must warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in ...

My first orgy was an experience to remember. I expected to it to be full of awkwardness and disappointment.

But thankfully all my cousins were really supportive.

(Nsfw) A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers.

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flower. She sighs and say "My boyfriend is buying me flowers again, now I 'll be expected to spend the weekend lay on my back with my legs in the air"

The blonde says: "Dont you have a vase?!"

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross....

..."Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda'...

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Little Johnny has the foulest mouth in his first grade class

All the teachers at the school know this. One day, a teacher starts teaching her class the alphabet.

She says, "Class, who can give me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows Johnny is going to use a swear word, so she picks someone e...

Ha! You were expecting a well thought out Joke! But no...

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

A girl I am dating said, "I expect to be treated like a Disney Princess."

So I told her to pretend she is the Little Mermaid and stop talking.

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

Pretty sure it's original, very rough edges type joke. Input welcome.

A man decides to open his own Plant Nursery. After a few months his business starts going under so he goes to apply for a loan
The loan officer goes to the place of business and asks a couple questions
"sir do you have a background in the study of plants?"
"No, I just got this company on a ...

The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years

That's a long time considering they're working around the clock

What charges can you expect when you mix sodium chloride and lithium ion?

A salt and battery charges.

Who could've expected conservative party member Boris Johnson....

would end up getting a Prince Albert?

Man walks by a monastry and sees a sign on the door..

"Get screwed by nuns"
The man thinks to himself "whoa I gotta try this" and goes in. Right after the door is a tiny room with another door and an old nun at a desk.
"Well that's not what I expected" said the man.
"Oh no, I'm just the receptionist" replied the old nun. "It's 150 bucks please...

Lesser known Knights of the Round Table

“I was the knight no one expected to see on the battlefield.” - Sir Prize

“I shall see you around.” - Sir Cumference

“We shall fight on land or sea.” - Sir Fenturf

“I was the knight who was afraid to fight.” - Sir Render

“I was the unbelievable knight.” - Sir Real

...

Millionaire Blondy

A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $...

What is green,has 4 legs and can kill you if it's falls from a tree?

A pool table.


It's funny because you wouldn't expect a pool table on a tree. xD

Bob was in big trouble......

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the ...

A father was expecting a baby and waiting for the doctor to come out.

Doctor came out and said it's the Spanish inquisition.

I can't believe people expect me to know what I will be doing next month

Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision!

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A traveling salesman employs a man with a stutter to sell toothbrushes...

His expectations are low for this guy, so he gives him a couple dozen toothbrushes to sell, expecting him to flop out.

To his surprise, the man returns in an hour with all the money. "S-s-sold then a-all!", he says.

The salesman chalks it up to beginners luck, and hands the stutterin...

"This coffee tastes like dirt!"

"What did you expect, it was ground this morning!"

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

I don’t know why people expect to find aliens in Area 51

Trump would have deported them by now!

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Three girls, a blonde, a readhead and a brunette, are having lunch break together...

The brunette opens her lunchbox and sighs:"My husband is so kind, he prepares my lunch every day but... Again a tuna sandwich?"

The readhead opens hers and sighs too:"Crap, tuna sandwich for me too... Again!"

The blonde opens hers and goes:"Guess what? I got the same t...

A crazy scientist asked strangers on Reddit to help him make a bomb

Edit: Wow this exploded! I didn't expect that, Thank you guys!

A girl was studying French, and doing very well at it.

One day, she asked her teacher “Do you know anything about Spanish? For I know everything there is to know about French, and I need a new language.”

The teacher responded “What a sudden change! And why would you possibly ask me, your French teacher? This was completely unexpected!”

“No...

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[NSFW] A young woman seduces and marries a 90 year old rich man in hopes of quickly inheriting his wealth...

She’s convinced he won’t even survive their wedding night so she takes care to find the sexiest negligee and high heels certain to give him a heart attack on sight. That night after the wedding she finishes getting ready in the bathroom and she seductively saunters out to the bedroom expecting to ma...

Why did Trump cross The Road?

The Road is the name of a small business that fulfilled it's contract, exhausted all capital, and expected to be paid the rate that was agreed on.

Recent studies suggest that subversion of expectations is the most effective type of humor among 13 - 40 year olds.

TIL

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A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

Edit: whoever wasted money on giving me silver, I'd like you to know that I'...

Dear Expecting Mothers...

Please... I beg you. Look at what your child's name will be when spelled backwards.

Sincerely,

Marlana

A man is on vacation in Spain.

He goes off the beaten path and decides to spend the night in a small local inn rather than pay extra at a tourist trap. He’s down in the inn’s lounge drinking and he sees a chicken sitting at the bar. He asks the bartender why there’s a chicken inside. She says that the chicken is actually a genius...

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

So this guy enters a bar and asks for three pints of beer

G: Guy BK:Barkeeper

G: "Good evening, I'll have 3 pints of beer please"

BK: "Hello sir, absolutely, expecting some company?"

G: "Actually, I'm drinking three pints of beer in the name of my two brothers that lost their lives in the war, so it's one for me, one for Matt and one ...

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A man hires the best house painter in town to repaint his house but he's not cheap

The man doesn't care and agrees to the salary anyway, the next day the painter shows up and the man's hot wife opens the door because her husband is out.

She shows him the room where he can start and says that she will check on him every once in a while.

5 minutes later she shows up in...

Mohel advertising

A man walking down the street noticed his watch had stopped working.

He looks around for a watch shop nearby. At the end of the street he sees a small store with a big clock hanging outside and he goes over there. When he enters the store, to his surprise he does not see a display of clocks o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

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Jack was a virgin, and asked his friend Jim for advice prior to his first sexual experience.

Jack had been dating Jill for a few weeks. A few days ago, she proposed that he spend the night at her house, and Jack was a bit nervous as he was a virgin. He sought to his friend Jim, who was quite a player, for some advice.

Since most of what Jim tried explaining to Jack went over his hea...

My son didn’t expect me to pay for his share of the prom night limo rental, but he asked me anyway

It was a bit of a stretch

A guy walks into a redneck bar.

A guy walks into a redneck bar and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see some flamboyant Yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

"No sir," the guy says, "I'm from North Dakota."

"North Dako...

An optimist tries to cheer up his friend (long)

OK, this was way better in the original Russian, but I'm gonna give it my best shot in translation:

So these two guys have been best friends their whole lives, and did everything together--grew up in neighboring apartments, went to the same schools, went to the same university, even got marri...

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Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.

The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."

When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the...

People never believe me when I tell them that I got my incredibly detailed tattoo in Spain.

Nobody expects the spanish ink precision

Why did the vegan get fired ?

His job performance did not meat expectations.

When does bread rise?

When you yeast expect it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

Q: You are in Spanish Inn and hear a knock on the door, who do you expect?

You: The Spanish Inquisition?

A: It’s Room Service. How could you get that wrong, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

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How freshmen lifted a tank in the Russian army

Captain orders his group of freshmen to go underneath the tank and lift it by pushing the bottom of it with legs.

- But Captain, it's a tank?!

Freshmen asked surprised. But Captain was serious, it was an order after all.

So they get under the tank and start pushing it.

...

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Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

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