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The 72 virgins were not what I expected

Turns out it was just a reddit admin meeting.

A week after my wife went missing, the police told me that I should expect the worst case scenario.

So I went back to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes.

After weeks of trying, my wife finally told me that we're expecting our first child

She's got a really bad stutter

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You didn't expect a snail joke, but here it is.

**God:** To each of man and woman, I bestow a way to sexually reproduce with distinct organs, the act of which will give them the ability to express love and gain from it the nectar of pure pleasure.

**Angel:** And what about snails?

**God:** Snails can go fuck themselves.

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

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As I expected, my therapist told me that I have problems verbalizing my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

NSFW What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in3 minutes?!?

I expected more people to cry at my wedding

But turns out only the cake was in tiers.

If the police are defunded, we can expect a rise in private security forces.

Reasonably, Apple would be one of the companies to start such a force, so my question is this:

If you’re arrested by the Apple Police, would you FaceTime?

I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield,

Sir Prise.

What comes every month, expectantly but often disappointing and makes women wish they were men?

Salary.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

A restaurant critic was leaving a posh bistro, disgusted. He told the maitre d', "Sir, do not expect high marks for service!`

"I am so sorry, what happened? `

The critic huffed," There is a sign in your bathroom which clearly states 'Employees must wash hands'. Yet I was in there for 15 minutes, while several employees came and went.
Not a single one offered to wash my hands! "

A dumb one, ever for already low dad-joke expectations...

True story (makes this even more pathetic) that happened last night:

Wife: The fan is too high
Me: It's like that so we don't bump our heads

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

I was certain that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result...

but every dictionary I check says something else.

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

I was doing a lab on nuclear decay and at first it worked like expected, but when 3/4 of the material had decayed it suddenly stopped

It seems like there will never be a half life 3

A Man and is Wife are Expecting a Baby.

He finally gets the call while at work and starts driving to the hospital. As he gets closer, he gets more and more anxious, thinking about the baby, his wife, whether it's a boy or a girl, etc. But as he's driving he hits a curb. The car's springs break, jutting through the floor and impaling him t...

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

My orthodontist warned me to expect disruption to his services, owing to the coronavirus pandemic.

“Brace yourself”, he said.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.



You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"?

‟Over there by mine”, wasn‘t the answer I was expecting.

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me!

I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, ...

A farmer is expecting his 3 daughters dates to arrive, so he hears a knock on a door, decides to grab his shotgun for intimidation, and opens it.

The first date arrives and says,
“Hello there! My name is Lance, and I’m here to take Chance out to the dance.”

So, the farmer calls his daughter, Chance, and they go off together. The another knock is heard, so he answers it again, shotgun in hand.

“Hey there, it’s me, Dave, and I’...

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

Why are women expected to cook for their husbands?

Prisoners need to be fed.

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A man is returning home a day earlier than expected from a business trip......

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because he suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the
act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, ya...

A redditor is defusing a bomb.

EDIT: I didn't expect this to blow up!

A man enters a shop with a spooky shopkshopkeeper Spooky shopkeeper: You may take whatever you like,but beware,everything comes with a price... Man :Yes I know how shops work Spooky shopkeeper: The price may be more than you expect to pay.... Man:Yes I know how taxes work too

Spooky shopkeeper: You may take whatever you like,but beware,everything comes with a price...
Man :Yes I know how shops work
Spooky shopkeeper: The price may be more than you expect to pay....
Man:Yes I know how taxes work too

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.

She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stayed out...

I am a wondrous creature for women in expectation...

A service for neighbors. I harm none of the citizens except my slayer alone. My stem is erect, I stand up in bed hairy somewhere down below. A very comely peasants daughter, dares sometimes, proud maiden, that she grips at me, attacks me in my redness, plunders my head, confines me in a stronghold, ...

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An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

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Meanwhile at the airport...

Jimmy and Jason are both workers at the Atlanta airport, typically working outside to re-fuel the planes after they land. One day, a very thick fog rolls in grounding all of the planes. Jimmy and Jason are bored out of their minds with nothing to do.

"I'm really bored," says Jimmy. "I wish...

A guy pulls over for a hooker on the side of the street.

He rolls down the window and asks “How much?”

She says “$5.00”

He motions for her to get in the car.

They do their business and he drops her off.

The morning after, he calls her and says “Hey, we have a problem - I think you gave me crabs.”

She says “Well, what d...

I was told we were expecting twins.

I guess I got more than what i came for.

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

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A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.

We call those people cops.

I’m seeing a lot of heaven related jokes, so here’s a bad one to lower every bodies expectations-

What do angles fish for in heaven?
Holy mackerels

As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

I read Great Expectations the other day.

It wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be.

I had high expectations for doing great things in 2020. Instead I'm stuck at home jacking off and playing Nintendo.

The old 'bate and Switch.

Three expectant mothers are in a doctors waiting room...

They are sitting there quietly knitting jumpers for their babies. After a while they start to chat, and ask each other what supplements they are taking for their babies. The first says "I'm taking calcium so my baby has strong teeth and bones". The second says "I'm taking Vitamin B so my baby grows ...

I mean what else do you expect...

...when your store name is Target

Star Trek fans always expect a gift when going to a convention

They call it the enter prize.

A guy is sitting on his porch when his blonde neighbor walks out to her mailbox.

She opens the mailbox, looks in, colses it up and walks back into the house. Five minutes later, she does the same thing. After another five minutes, the same thing, but this time she's visibly angry. She comes out again after another five minutes, looking furious. She looks in the mailbox and slams...

A bloke is sent by his wife to get snails to make escargot...

"I expect ya back in an hour as the bread's already bakin' and the wine's already breathin' on the table" says his wife .

The bloke walks down the path towards town and the local market. Upon arriving he finds the snails, and he spends a good five minutes picking out the biggest and juiciest ...

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Man asks Confucius: If a man washes his ass, is he gay?

Confucius say: A man who cleans his house clearly expects a visitor.

There was a south pacific island village...

Far away in the south pacific, there once was an island village with the custom of electing a new chief every year. By tradition, the laborers of the village would work for months every year to create a giant, ornate bamboo throne for each new chief.

The thrones from previous chiefs began to...

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

"Hey, bug on my back", asked a fly. "Are you a mite?" "I mite be," giggled the mite.

The fly groaned. "That's the worst joke I've ever heard!"
"Well, what do you expect?" said the mite.
"I came up with it on the fly"

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.

Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

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I expect today to be a really shitty day...

May as well start it off with Taco Bell for breakfast.

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

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Mike dies and goes to hell...

And he's terrified, but then Satan shows up and quips "Dude, why are you crying? Look around!".

Mike looks around and notices the area is not, as he expected, a flaming inferno, but actually a nice beach area.

"I thought I was in hell?"

"You are, but our promotion team is REALL...

Bob was in trouble...

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looke...

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Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

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A dictator once asked a famous composer if he could write him a brilliant piece of music.

Naturally, the composer was extremely nervous, as the dictator had a habit of giving the death penalty to those who did not please him.

The composer spent weeks working on this piece, and from a musical standpoint it was quite good. So, he gathered his orchestra and performed his piece for th...

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A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night and was thoroughly lost.

Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her. Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the ...

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The...

How many Karens did it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One.

She just holds the lightbulb in the socket and expects the rest of the world to revolve around her.

A group of mathematicians walks into a bar

The bartender asks, "what can I get you guys?"

The first mathematician replies, "I'll have a beer."

The second mathematician replies, "I'll have a half of a beer."

The third replies, "I'll have a fourth of a beer."

The fourth replies, "I'll have an eighth of a beer." ...

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A Man Has Promised His Wife He Wouldn't Get Drunk Anymore

But his best friend is getting married and he decides to have just one drink at the bachelor party during the toast.

Well, one drink leads to another and the man falls off the wagon ... HARD! He's singing and dancing and stumbling his way around the party without a care in the world (or his h...

OC I came up with last week

A man goes on his dream vacation to Spain. While there he sees amazing sights, drinks great wine and dances til late at night.

After a few days he starts to get a weird pain in his chest and decides to go to the hospital to check it out. He gets an X-ray and the doctor tells him he has a tum...

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Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding,Sophie was getting dressed,surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she’d forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately...

People stabbing Julius Caesar were expecting a lot of things.......

Hearing Harder daddy! Was not one of them

Expectant mothers of Reddit, name your child Gotham.

When they cry in the middle of the night you can turn to your SO and whisper on their ear 'Gotham needs you!' and they will get up.

A gentleman is walking down the sidewalk in Liverpool, England on a windy day....

A gentleman is walking down the sidewalk in Liverpool, England on a windy day. It's extremely blustery and everything is blowing around.

He approaches a woman walking the other way who is struggling in the wind. All of a sudden, her skirt blows up! It turns upward, covering her face. The woma...

making a baby

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door ...

My first orgy was an experience to remember. I expected to it to be full of awkwardness and disappointment.

But thankfully all my cousins were really supportive.

There are 2 types of people in the world -

Those who expect the Spanish Inquisition and those who don't.

John went to the pub for some light drinking

He found a few old buddies and ended up drinking late into the night.

When he finally returned home at 3AM, he was expecting to be scolded, beaten and taunted by his wife. He was so drunk he passed out on the sofa.

The next morning he wakes up to find his wife humming tunes happily. Sh...

A guy goes to a $5 lady of the night and gets crabs.

So the next day, he goes back to complain. And the woman says "Hey it was only $5. What did you expect, lobster?"

The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years

That's a long time considering they're working around the clock

A girl I am dating said, "I expect to be treated like a Disney Princess."

So I told her to pretend she is the Little Mermaid and stop talking.

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A restaurant patron drops his spoon on the floor and asks the waiter for a new one.

The waiter immediately reaches into his apron and pulls out a new spoon and gives it to the customer.

The table finishes their meal and the waiter comes to drop the check. The man who had earlier dropped his spoon says to the waiter, "Hey, that was pretty impressive that you were able to giv...

A man dies and goes to Heaven

As Jesus is giving him the tour, he notices something: “Why so many clocks?”

“Those are sin clocks.” Jesus explains, “Their movement represents every sin ever committed by everyone, every lie, fraud, and other untoward act, and each stops once they die. Fortunately, you’re a good man of fait...

I saw a dolphin kissing a raven.

Didn't expect to see that as the highlight of the NFL game.

I don’t know why people expect to find aliens in Area 51

Trump would have deported them by now!

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares her...

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

There is an expected condom shortage of 100 million condoms within 6 months.

I’m single-handedly ensuring that I’m not contributing to this shortage.

I can't believe people expect me to know what I will be doing next month

Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision!

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