As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

Expectant mothers of Reddit, name your child Gotham.

When they cry in the middle of the night you can turn to your SO and whisper on their ear 'Gotham needs you!' and they will get up.

My first orgy was an experience to remember. I expected to it to be full of awkwardness and disappointment.

But thankfully all my cousins were really supportive.

What charges can you expect when you mix sodium chloride and lithium ion?

A salt and battery charges.

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

A girl I am dating said, "I expect to be treated like a Disney Princess."

So I told her to pretend she is the Little Mermaid and stop talking.

What do you call it when two men both expect the other to pay for dinner?

An unfunded man-date.

I read Great Expectations last week.

It wasn't as good as I thought it would be.

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A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

Edit: whoever wasted money on giving me silver, I'd like you to know that I'...

The repairs on big ben are expected to take 3 years

That's a long time considering they're working around the clock

I can't believe people expect me to know what I will be doing next month

Like come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision!

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A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn

Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there’s no harm in indulging ...

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Ro...

Dear Expecting Mothers...

Please... I beg you. Look at what your child's name will be when spelled backwards.

Sincerely,

Marlana

A policeman searched me in a public toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs

"It's not my fault," I said, "Every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed. I said, "I'll prove it to you if you want me to!"

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.

Afte...

My son didn’t expect me to pay for his share of the prom night limo rental, but he asked me anyway

It was a bit of a stretch

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You must be in F**king management!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hove...

I don’t know why people expect to find aliens in Area 51

Trump would have deported them by now!

He was the one knight nobody expected to meet on the battlefield that day...

Sir prise

Never expect to keep a long-term relationship with a mechanic.

He screws nuts and bolts.

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The worst joke I can remember [nsfw] Warning: this joke is long and terrible

A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost. Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her! Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his...

When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...

...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a policeman asking me questions.

Q: You are in Spanish Inn and hear a knock on the door, who do you expect?

You: The Spanish Inquisition?

A: It’s Room Service. How could you get that wrong, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

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A man inherits a small fortune and vacations in the LA nightlife where he meets a gorgeous young woman.

He asks her out for a night on the town with him and she says:

"You can't afford me."

"Try me, how much for a strip show?" He replies.

"$10,000 dollars even." she says.

"You can't be serious?!" He proclaims.

"Let's take a walk outside." She replies. He agrees and t...

I was expecting Frozen 2 jokes

I guess everyone let it go.

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

You were expecting perfume...

But it was me, Deo!

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An extremely attractive young blond woman goes to a massage parlor.

She explains that this will be her first massage, and she really has no idea what to expect. The masseur tells her she'll need to disrobe and lie on the table. The young woman blushes, but strips off all of her clothes, struts across the room, and lies on the massage table.

The masseur can't...

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

My wife screamed in delight when her new shoes arrived sooner than expected

I thought she didn't like it when things came early...

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost

He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist. 

"I am," replie...

A couple was expecting a baby...

On the way to the hospital, the parents-to-be realized they were not going to make it in time, so the man called 911 for an ambulance to meet them. The operator asked if this was the woman’s first child, and the man said, “No, this is her husband.”

I just finished 'Great Expectations'...

*...It wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be.*

Hell explained by a Chemistry student

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which so...

When I was a kid, my dad and I went to the zoo to see the birds.

I loved birds as a kid, and really wanted one as a pet. I would spend hours looking through picture books about birds, studying their plumage, learning all that I could. So when the day came that my dad took me to the zoo to see the bird enclosure, I was really excited.

I had read about the...

When I became a heretic I did not expect....

>!The Spanish Inquisition!<

A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]

His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute."

All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another.

The prosecution says: "she didn...

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A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

So there’s a fly…and a gnat lands on its back.

The fly says, “is there a gnat on my back?”

The gnat says, “gnat at all.”

The fly says, “that’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard."

The gnat goes, “what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!”

Amazon Employee in Seattle Confirmed to have Coronavirus.

Prime customers expected to have it by Tomorrow if they order within the next 1 hr and 21 mins

There are 10 types of people in this world

Those who understand binary, those who don't and those who didn't expect this to be a base 3 joke

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“I hate Valentine’s Day”

Why’s that?

“Every year my husband brings home some shitty supermarket flowers and expects me to lay on my back and spread my legs.”

Can I recommend getting a vase?

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and ...

Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee

But no one ever talks about his family.

His brother, the revolutionary vegetarian activist, Brocco Lee.

His cousin, the hesitant statistician, Probab Lee.

His uncle, the trustworthy politician, Honest Lee.

And of course, the Spanish inquisitor, Juan "Expected" Lee.

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.



*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

Studying math helps extend your life expectancy

80 minutes in math class feel like 3 hours long

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3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them

The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "...

A woman goes to her psychiatrist and starts to complain.

-"I don't want to get married. I am an educated, independent woman and I am happy by myself. I don’t need a husband, but my parents insist me to get married. What should I do?"

The psychiatrist : "You, no doubt, will achieve wonderful things in life. But at some point, some things will not ...

I caught the flu in Madrid

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick?" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor u...

I asked the doctor what my life expectancy was.

He said, "Financial troubles leading into a long-term bout of depression before an inevitable death."

When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the doctor where I should put my pants.

"Over there, next to mine" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

My brother swears that he has to stay horizontal due to an ear infection and that it's therefore not unreasonable to expect me to cook all his meals.

I'm not sure whether I believe him though as he lies a lot.

"As a quantum physicist opening the box with Schrodinger's cat, do you expect it to be dead or alive?"

"Yes"

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What did the man say when he ran over a deer with his car?

Fuck.



You were expecting "Oh deer" weren't you?

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You want to arrest me for nudity, officer?

Then you shouldn't expect me to cum quietly.

I'm not scared of the corona virus.

Since it's made in China, I don't expect it to be working for much longer. Looks good first, but falls apart after the first use.

Karate Dog

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, “I need a good guard dog.”

And the clerk replied, “Sorry, we're all sold out. All...

I love how people say they're "expecting" a baby.....

As though it might be something else, like a penguin.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.


Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I cou...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

I entered the new needfull things shop opened yesterday.

Me: Oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!

Spooky shopkeeper: Yes, I will warn you.. every item comes with a price.

Me: Yes, I know how shops work.

Spooky shopkeeper: The price may be more than you expect to pay.

Me: Yes, I know how US taxes work, too.

...

How does Paul Ryan expect to sell books

without a Spine?

A man asked another man, “What’s the term for when you ask a question without expecting an answer?”

The other man didn’t respond because it was rhetorical.

Being ugly changed my expectations of how my girlfriend should be.

Earlier I was looking for a snack, now I would be happy with a vegetable.

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Things don't always turn out the way you expect them to.

I always thought it it would be my mum who caught ME masturbating.

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I feel like porn has given me such unrealistic expectations for sex... for example,

having it with another person

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"



^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

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Winter is here and our native birds are having difficulty finding food. Please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for them.

There is no finer sight on a winter’s morning than a pair of tits round your nut sack; however it’s a bit early to expect a swallow.

It had been raining non stop for weeks

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, "Jump in, I can save you."

The stranded fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."
...

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A girl walks into a department store

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and a...

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The CEOs of four beer companies are having a meeting and decide to place an order. (Not the ending you'd expect)

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders coke.

The three CEOs then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer then I might as well s...

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So Chris Brown is expecting a baby.

Guess Rhianna isn't the only one who's ass is getting slapped before the black eyes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll have sex with their boyfriends

A Glaswegian has the munchies and wanders into a bakery

and asks the baker "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

"No sir, you're perfectly correct, it's a doughnut".


(I don't expect many folk to get this btw)

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Toodles Beneventi

A family is having dinner on a Sunday. Everything is very proper and peaceful, dad is wearing his ironed shirt and a tie, mom is wearing her Sunday dress. The two teenage kids, a sixteen year-old girl and her fourteen year-old brother, are very well-behaved.

Suddenly, there is a knock on the ...

A man is driving at a rainy night when one of his tire gets punctured

He stops under the only street light right infront of an asylum, trying to change his tire. With the corner of his eye, he notices a man is watching him from his cell. He doesn't pay attention and keeps changing his tire.

Since his hands were wet from heavy rain, he drops 3 bolts out of 4 int...

It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen befo...

A fat man was standing in front of a kindergarten

One of the teachers comes and asks him:

"Are you expecting a child?"

"No. I am a bit fat that's all"

My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.

So I've had to go to all the thrift stores and get her clothes back.

After death of his wife

After the death of his wife an elderly man married a young woman ..

Now he was spending less time with his friends. His concerned friends enquired if there was a problem.

“I'm to pass time with you but my poor wife gets lonely when I'm away.”

Friends advised him to keep a youn...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

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