Expect Jokes - 148 Hilarious Expect Jokes

I heard 50 Cent wasn’t expected at the half time show

I didn’t think it was a surprise he came out after two quarters

Barbies promote unrealistic expectations of women’s bodies.

Women’s heads are much harder to put back on in real life.

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Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting... [warning: offensive!]

\[I once killed a party with this joke. You have been warned!\]

Three expectant mothers are sitting in the doctor's office, knitting.

The first mother puts down her knitting, picks up her handbag, pulls out a bottle of pills, takes one, then resumes knitting. She sees the other two mot...

An expecting couple went to the doctor to get an ultrasound done

The doctor told them that their child looked good, but that there was some anomaly or complication, so he asked them to come back next week.

The next week, the doctor did another ultrasound, and informed the couple that they were actually going to have twins. He also noted there was again som...

I was the knight no one expected to appear on battlefield,

Sir Prise.

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.

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What do you call it when a guy helps his female friend without expecting sex?

A Platonic solid.

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One day I'll pretend to be gay. I'll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected...BAAM!!!

I'll fuck their boyfriends

It's crazy that the service industry expects 25% tips.

At that point, they should just call it intercourse.

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

A couple are expecting a baby

The day finally comes, and the husband takes his wife to the hospital and she is taken to the delivery room. The husband paces the floor waiting to hear the news.

Finally, the Doctor comes out and tells the husband that he unfortunately has bad news, and that his wife has just given birth to ...

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

Things to expect when you're expecting

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a bit, his cellphone rings and he answers it to hear his pregnant wife on the line out of breath and panting loudly. "Where are you!" she moans. "I'm down at the bar," the guy replies. "I think the baby is coming!" she gasps. "Well he won't get in," th...

As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

*The plot thickens.*

My wife and I were never expecting children

But then BAM, straight onto the windshield

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No one expects it!

A guy was traveling in the Spanish countryside, and after driving all day he stopped for the night at a tiny inn. The innkeeper, upon giving him his key, asked him if he would like to participate in a battle of wits with his special chicken. "If you stump him, you get a wish, any wish you like!" he ...

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My wife had concerns about intimacy during pregnancy but "What To Expect When You're Expecting" says that blowjobs are ALWAYS safe.

So I don't understand why she gets so worked up about what I do in the privacy of a men's restroom.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Kevin McCarthy: Hold my beer.

Marital expectations

Two women were out walking in the city. Suddenly one of them spots her husband across the street. She points at him and says ”Look, it’s Jim, and he’s got a big bouquet of flowers that he’ll come home with tonight. Damn, that means I’ll have to lay on my back, spread eagle all night.” Both women sha...

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A pregnant lady expecting triplets is tragically shot during a bank robbery

She was shot 3 times in the belly, and 1 bullet hit each of the 3 baby boys. Miraculously, they all survived!

One day about 14 years later, one of her boys came crying to her saying “mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out of my penis”. Then she sat him down and explained what happened al...

An expecting father paces nervously up and down the waiting room.

"First child?" Asks another father

"No" replies the Man

"Well then why are you so anxious?"

"Well, when my wife read 'A tale of two cities', she had twins. When she read 'The three musketeers' she had triplets."

"That's amazing." says the second Man

"Yes" replies t...

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found ...

Fasting isn't expected of Muslims until they reach puberty. This means that absolutely all Muslim children...

...grow up to fast

We've all come to expect that corporations lie.

But I didn't find a single baby working at Babies 'R Us.

Are we really expected to eat three square meals a day?

I'm sure triangles and circles provide equal nutritional value.

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.

The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.

“Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”

...

Don’t expect me to respond to any comments regarding this joke…

…I have abandoned my post.

I’m about to go to a funeral for the first time, and I still have no idea what to expect.

Remains to be seen.

Patient: What's my life expectancy?

Doctor: 120

Patient: 120 what? Days? Weeks? Months?

Doctor: 119

Why isn't the Russian army as strong as expected?

Because they wasted all their steroids on figure skaters a month ago.

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

My cousin “I'm expecting twins!”

Me, “Finally two kids from the same man.”

Expect a shortage of bras

The cargo ship cupsized.

A news headline reads: “Airliner crashes. No survivors expected…

Brazilian citizens among the dead”. I read it to my friend, and they exclaim: “OMG, how many is a Brazilian?!”.

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

I expect the Musk-Twitter feud to take a really long time to resolve

I mean, one should expect Elon-gate to drag out

If I apply for a job at a railroad, will they expect me to know the job?

Or will they train me?

A husband and wife are expecting twins

A husband and wife are expecting twins; she's pregnant with a girl and a boy. A couple of weeks before her due date, the wife is hanging out with her brother at home and suddenly has shooting pains in her abdomen. Her husband is out of town for work, so she has her brother drive her straight to the ...

BREAKING NEWS: Children are expected to get significantly lower number of gifts year.

It was reported that stocking up of gifts has been tremendously affected as the balloon transports owned by Santa Logistics has already been shot down 3 times in the last one week.

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You didn't expect a snail joke, but here it is.

**God:** To each of man and woman, I bestow a way to sexually reproduce with distinct organs, the act of which will give them the ability to express love and gain from it the nectar of pure pleasure.

**Angel:** And what about snails?

**God:** Snails can go fuck themselves.

I bet you won’t expect this. What has five eyes but can’t see?

The Spanish Inquisition!

Why do the election results take so long?

It’s a race between two 70+ year old men. What do you expect?

An expectant father wants to call the local hospital to ask about his wife, who's in labour...

But in his haste, he accidentally calls the local cricket ground instead.

He asks about the situation, and the shock almost kills him.

"All is well, we've already got 3 out, there's another 7 to go, and we're hoping to be finished by lunchtime. Last one out was a duck."

(This...

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A good percentage of my friends are Nazis

That percentage is zero, that’s a good percentage of Nazi friends to have

Edit: Holy SHIT I did not expect this to blow up lmfao thank you for the awards!
and fuck da haterz

The average life expectancy of alligators is about 50 years...

So there is no rush, you indeed can see it later.

I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza Hut app

Either way, there’s a 10” vegetarian on the way and I’m not sure what to expect.

NSFW What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in3 minutes?!?

My dad always said, "I before E expect after C".

Society taught me otherwise.

Putin: There’s a lot less Ukrainian soldiers surrendering than I expected.

Putin’s stooge: It’s fewer, Mr. President.

Putin: Don’t call me that. Yet.

A couple is expecting their first child

The father is overjoyed. He goes to the nearest clothing store and gets a little shirt, a tiny pair of pants, an adorable little hat, and the most exquisite (and expensive) pair of shoes for his soon to be child. He and his wife stand on their porch, waiting for 2 whole weeks for the stork to arrive...

On a historic day like today I expected more dead baby jokes

Guess I will have to travel out of state to find those too

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I feel like porn has given me such unrealistic expectations for sex... for example,

having it with another person

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin.

Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!

If the police are defunded, we can expect a rise in private security forces.

Reasonably, Apple would be one of the companies to start such a force, so my question is this:

If you’re arrested by the Apple Police, would you FaceTime?

What we can expect from a Kanye presidency

Kanyesian economics

I mean what else do you expect...

...when your store name is Target

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Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

Well that was....expected

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. Whe...

Four expectant fathers.

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labour.

The nurse tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns and t...

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The man who invented the dildo sadly passed away. His funeral went just as expected.

Only women came.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate

And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

I took an astronomy class in college but it was harder than I expected.

I had to study day and night.

Expectant mothers of Reddit, name your child Gotham.

Then when they wake up at 3am you can roll to your Husband or Partner and say ‘Gotham needs you!’ and they will get up.

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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

I wasn't expecting to encounter a bridge on my commute

But I got over it

A week after my wife went missing, the police told me that I should expect the worst case scenario.

So I went back to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes.

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I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

Dear Expecting Mothers...

Please... I beg you. Look at what your child's name will be when spelled backwards.

Sincerely,

Marlana

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

 
 
 
 

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I expect today to be a really shitty day...

May as well start it off with Taco Bell for breakfast.

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

One. We are efficient and dont have humour.

They say to always to expect the unexpected

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

I didn't know what to expect going into my ECT session

To be honest I was a bit shocked when I got there.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

**Edit:** Did not expect this joke to take off. Made it to the front page for a little while.

**Edit 2:** Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

An Apple Factory in China is expected to cut production of iPhones by 18% in response to ongoing worker protests.

The workers' main demand is "more playtime".

My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.

So I'll have to go to all the charity shops and buy back all her clothes then

Einstein famously said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

But doing the same thing over and over again and actually getting a different result - that's called Computer Programming.

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You really expect me to wait in this long ass line just for Vietnamese soup?

That’s a big Pho Queue

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Life is like a penis

It gets hard when you least expect it

What did the redditor say after a stranger gave him a piece of explosive gold?

Thanks for the gold, kind stranger

Edit: Wow didn’t expect this to blow up.

Star Trek fans always expect a gift when going to a convention

They call it the enter prize.

I expected more people to cry at my wedding

But turns out only the cake was in tiers.

What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels comes alive when you add Coke.

Expecting Wife

Just as Dave was about to fall asleep, his wife shook him and said, "I hear someone breaking in."

At least two nights a week for twenty years Dave had gone through this. He knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. So, he went out for a routine check.

Whe...

When Bigfoot made love to Scarlett Johansson we expected him to brag about it.

Yeti remained humble.

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As I expected, my therapist told me that I have problems verbalizing my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

When I became a heretic I did not expect....

>!The Spanish Inquisition!<

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A wife yells at her husband...

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The fucking...

During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries?”

"Through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting

Not quite what she was expecting...

Guy: I work with animals every day!

Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-

Guy: I'm a butcher.

An expecting father

John was always a loving husband. For years he was constantly on beck and call. He never strayed from his wife Marla and Marla adored John. For years and years John and Marla attempted to have children. They went to fertility clinics, they sought guidance from multiple specialists, and even tried al...

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

*Wow this blew up!! I didn't expect it to get so many upvotes! THANK YOU! I heard this joke from my friend today and I decided to share it with Reddit.*

*Thank you for the silver! First time receivi...

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Karma is a weird name...

They should rename "karma" to "creddit"

They should also rename the "share" button to "spreaddit"

They should then also rename the "delete" button to "shreddit"

But they don't, and I don't geddit

* Eddit: Wow, I did not expect to get gold for that one...

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Did you expect the invasion of Poland

Cause I did Nazi it coming

Statisticians give low paid workers an expected life of 68.7 years

That's mean

Why do cab drivers expect to be tipped?

I just don't think that's fare.

My New Years resolution is to set more realistic expectations for myself

I’ve already failed

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

How does Paul Ryan expect to sell books

without a Spine?

I never expected Facebook to own the whole "cancer on society" thing.

But they're really Meta-stasizing!

Blonde Wife

One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in Northern Minnesota were listening to the radio.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
...

Increasing expectation among military analysts in recent days:

United States to invade United States to install democracy

I named my kid Bob Ross

He was a happy little accident.

You were expecting perfume...

But it was me, Deo!

This Valentine's Day I expect to be inundated.

Sorry... I meant, "in, undated".

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and ...

I read Great Expectations the other day.

It wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be.

After weeks of trying, my wife finally told me that we're expecting our first child

She's got a really bad stutter

A dumb one, ever for already low dad-joke expectations...

True story (makes this even more pathetic) that happened last night:

Wife: The fan is too high
Me: It's like that so we don't bump our heads

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"

^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

Wife: we're expecting

Friend: really? I'm happy for you two.

Me: yeah, the pizza should be here soon.

Friend: what?

First golf joke I’ve heard less than 1,000,000 times.

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

"I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another," says the Catholic. "One more son, and I'll have a basketball team."

"That's nothing," says the Baptist. "I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant w...

I was told we were expecting twins.

I guess I got more than what i came for.

Kids from this new generation are just lazy, can’t do anything for themselves, cry all the time, and expect other people to do everything for them.

My daughter is already doing this and she’s only three months old.

Never expect to keep a long-term relationship with a mechanic.

He screws nuts and bolts.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?

Fat. You get fat.

You were expecting a joke about pi? On my cake day?

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'Expect the unexpected'

Now that would make the unexpected the expected, but since the expected is being expected, then that would mean it wasn't the unexpected, so what the fuck do we expect?

How many LGBT supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb is fine the way it is. Society just needs to change the way it looks at it.

Edit: Wow front page. Didn't expect this big a response.

A couple was expecting a baby...

On the way to the hospital, the parents-to-be realized they were not going to make it in time, so the man called 911 for an ambulance to meet them. The operator asked if this was the woman’s first child, and the man said, “No, this is her husband.”

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Recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%.

I've done the maths. I am immortal.

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Things don't always turn out the way you expect them to.

I always thought it it would be my mum who caught ME masturbating.

How do we know that Death is a man?

He always comes quicker than expected.

Why are women expected to cook for their husbands?

Prisoners need to be fed.

Three expectant mothers are in a doctors waiting room...

They are sitting there quietly knitting jumpers for their babies. After a while they start to chat, and ask each other what supplements they are taking for their babies. The first says "I'm taking calcium so my baby has strong teeth and bones". The second says "I'm taking Vitamin B so my baby grows ...

My orthodontist warned me to expect disruption to his services, owing to the coronavirus pandemic.

“Brace yourself”, he said.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Which writer would you expect to find in a thermometer?

HG Wells.

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At your next helloween party expect to see the typical costumes.

The sexy nurse, the sexy nun and the sexist judge.

I paid a lot of money expecting to be taped to a wall for at least an hour...

It wasn't until 30 minutes in when I realized those guys ripped me off.

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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

On their wedding night, a die-hard golfer makes a confession to his new bride.

"Dearest, I love you more than I can say." He paused. "But I also love golf. And I want you to know that every possible weekend, every vacation, every dollar of disposable income, I will spend on golf, golf memberships, golf vacations, golf clubs.

I know you knew some of this, but I wanted to...

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

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Snow.

Snow is like a penis.

It's measured in inches and soft to the touch.

It cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it.

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy, if you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you.....

A policeman searched me in a nightclub toilet last night and found a small bag of class A drugs.

"It's not my fault," I said, "every time I try flushing them down the toilet they magically appear back in my pocket again."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" he laughed.

I said, "I can prove it to you if you want me to."

"Go on then." he smiled, handing me the bag.
...

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Religion is like a penis

It’s fine to have it, care about it, and be proud of it. But don’t expect anyone else to do the same, and please don’t whip it out and wave it around in public.

I was expecting Frozen 2 jokes

I guess everyone let it go.

A girl I am dating said, "I expect to be treated like a Disney Princess."

So I told her to pretend she is the Little Mermaid and stop talking.

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Porn gives unrealistic expectations.

The plumber took his usual £60 per hour, even though I sucked his cock.

Who could've expected conservative party member Boris Johnson....

would end up getting a Prince Albert?

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

I hate antijokes. You expect a funny ending but

You are always disappointed.

My family's last name is 'Expectation'

The entire family is currently in the hospital because of my stepdad, he started with me and said that for once in his life he'd beat all expectations

I am a wondrous creature for women in expectation...

A service for neighbors. I harm none of the citizens except my slayer alone. My stem is erect, I stand up in bed hairy somewhere down below. A very comely peasants daughter, dares sometimes, proud maiden, that she grips at me, attacks me in my redness, plunders my head, confines me in a stronghold, ...

I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.

There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52".
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now both of them have condom balloons :D

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

I never expected the Norse god of mischief be such a extravagant dresser.

I had always heard he was real Loki.

What state would expect to see a priest pray, sneeze and sit down

Massachusetts

I hate when a generation refuses to work and still expect to receive government checks

Those baby boomers in Congress sure are entitled snowflakes

I know the shutdown is done, but I think this joke is funny and I made it up myself.

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