My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning

Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?

I, foolishly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ended. But you live and you learn.

Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son, Judas, and read about how things worked out for this Jesus fella.

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on 'Take your kid to work day'

As they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying. Her father asked her what was wrong

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with"

I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”

“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.”

“So what is it then?” she asked.

I said, “Its a OnePlus.”

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

A son and daughter walk up to their father.

Son: Dad which one of us do you love more?
Father: My love for you is like communism.
Daughter: So equally?
Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.

My wife talked to me, about what to name our twin daughters, yesterday. I replied Kate, and the other one?

DupliKate

My 7 year old daughters new favourite joke..

Daughter - Mum, will you always and forever remember my name?

Me - Yes.....?

Daughter - knock, knock..

Me - who's there?

Daughter - you said you'd always remember my name!

(Daughter walks off in a theatrical sulk.
It's been a week.. I still fall for it almost da...

A mother and her daughter went to the doctor's office...

The mother asked her doctor to examine her daughter.

"She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her" the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped,"That's nonse...

"If you don't get us a dog you don't love me" Says my daughter.

"That sounds like blackmail" I said back.

My daughter runs to my wife and shouted "Dad said we would have a dog as long as it is a black male!"

A farmer has four beautiful daughters

He’s a bit overprotective of them, so when Friday date night rolls around, he greets the gentlemen callers at the door with a shotgun over his shoulder.

Friday night rolls around, and the doorbell rings, so he walks to it, shotgun in hand, and opens it to a young man who says:

“Hi, I’...

A joke inspired by my 5 year old daughter who was trying to make up jokes.... why was the booger who was stuck in your nose so upset?

Because he wasn't picked yet.

Obviously this is where dad jokes and humor come from.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

I just nutted on my boss's daughter

Sadly, im self-employed.

A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins.

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower...

The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play.

About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where d...

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.

He asks her - why did you say that?

I don't know, I just felt like saying it.

The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.

A month later at bedtim...

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Daughter in law is pissed at her new doctor....

After a thorough exam he told her, "Well, it looks like you're pregnant."

She said, "What, I'm pregnant?!"

Doc said, "No, it just *looks* like it."

What do you call it when an anti vaxxer’s 3 year old daughter has a temper tantrum?

A midlife crisis

Name for your Daughter

Man 1: You know what I'm going to name my daughter?
Man 2: No, what name are you giving her?
Man 1: Amanda.
Man 2: Why Amanda?
Man 1: Because that is what A man-does.

Doctor to Mrs. Spew: “Is your daughter always stuttering like that?”

Mrs. Spew shakes her head: “No, only when she wants to say something.”

A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock.

Rose asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me Rose?”

To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!”

Lily, curious now, asks her mother “Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?”

To which her mother...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.

I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's, she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe s...

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?

Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant. "Which Barbie? responds the worker.

"We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"...

I asked my daughter for the news

I asked my daughter to bring me the newspaper. she said I'm too old fashioned and brought me her iPhone. Not getting too much into details, the fly is now dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter is crying

I told my teenage daughter “There are two words you need to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome’ and the other is ‘gross’.”

“Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, are out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One of them, with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support o...

A guy gives flowers to all of his family. To his wife he gives roses, to his parents he gives orchids, to his daughters he gives daisies.

And to his sons, he gives sunflowers

What do you call a Fat person marrying your daughter?

Your future ton in law

Daughter: “Dad, I’m cold.”

Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”

I told my wife if we had twin daughters I'd 100% name the one first born to be "Kate"

She asked what would I name the other one

"Dupli-Kate"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish Daughter...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed,

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by her saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sorry for taking your daughter's virginity

It won't happen again

My daughter and I both got diarrhea...

Guess it runs in the family.

If bigfoot had a teenage daughter would she be classified as a...

Sass-quatch?

My daughter asked how to know if a joke was a Dad joke...

I told her when it became... apparent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my daughter for the phone book

She called me old-fashioned, a dinosaur, etc. and handed me her phone.



So now the phone’s broken, the spider’s dead and my daughter’s pissed.

Dad and Daughter

So, there was a dad, and one night, the dad watched his daughter do her nightly prayers and she said, "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The next day, Grandpa died. The dad thought it could all be a coincidence, until the next night, when the dad was watching his...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Redneck daughter says "Daddy, can I borrow the truck?" (NSFW)

Her dad replies, "sure thing baby, but first, you gotta come I've here and suck my dick." So she goes down on him, but pulls away and yells, "damn Daddy, your dick tastes like shit!" Her dad says, "oh yeah, that's right, your brother borrowed the truck bout an hour ago, sorry."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am Muslim. My wife and daughter wear hijab. And that always leads to uncomfortable situations.

For example yesterday I accidentally fucked my wife

If my daughter grows up to be a nun..

Will I call her "daughter" or "sister"??

Before he died, Steve Jobs opened up a children’s hospital named after his daughter, Eve.

It’s called St. Eve Jobs.

My daughter told me she was frickin tired of my dad jokes.

Hi Frickin tired of my dad jokes. Im dad.

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a brand new bag...

The girl, excited, replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad!"


I'll show myself out now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family are driving behind a garbage truck....

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off th...

I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.

It's beniece me.

I went to my daughter’s netball finals the other day.

What a semi

My daughter asked if theres any difference between "actually" and "in actuality". I said

Well yes, but in actuality no

My wife didn’t think I could name our daughter anything ridiculous

But I called her Bluff

A father and his daughter work together at target

One day, the father asked, "Do you want to bag items or work at the register?"
She responded, "I'll bag daddy,” and was taken out by U.S. special forces.

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be true love, haven't seen her for weeks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Dad accidentally walks in on his 18 year old daughter engaging in coitus with her boyfriend.

His daughter says:
"Dad! I'm Sorry..."

Dad replies "Hi Sorry!" before turning to the boy and asking "Are you fucking Sorry?"

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper.

She said that newspapers are old school and that no one reads them anymore, and proceeded to hand me her iPad.



That fly didn't stand a chance.

My daughter asked for a Cinderella Themed Party.

So I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Daughter: "Can i keep the night light on?"

Dad: "And provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? Use your head, sweetie."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.

As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. 

“I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” 

“Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

My asian aunt's quiet daughter

is called Nosai Hai.

I think thats a great shy niece name.

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff!

What do you call your brothers daughters who have special powers?

Telekenieces

My 8 year old daughter today told me this gem!

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A Walkie-Talkie!

A lot of people ask me about my daughter

It's really annoying, I'm just trying to take my girlfriend to school

Was walking in front of my 4 year old daughter today who got me with this doozy today.

Daughter: Kock Kock!

Me: Who’s There?

Daughter: Impatient Cow!

Me: impatient Cow Who?

Daughter: MoOoooOoOOVE IT!

Me: **Proud moment**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boyfriend comes over to ask for approval to marry their daughter.

The father is very skeptical and asks "Son, how much do you make a month? Is it enough to support my beautiful daughter?" The boyfriend shyly replies, "well sir... it's about $300 a month." The father is furious at this offer, "300??? That's not even enough to cover toilet paper! You absolutely cann...

I have a special needs daughter, and she hates taking baths.

I don’t blame her. I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter: What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A call from the ethics department and the immediate revocation of your grant funding!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king looking for a knight to marry his daughter

A king is trying to find someone to marry his beautiful daughter and sets up a quest to who can find the most ping pong balls in all the land. Three knights set out on this adventure. A few days later the first knight arrives with 27 ping pong balls. The next knight comes in shortly after and has 54...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call your Japanese Sister's daughter?

A Japaneice

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.”

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers.

She says, "God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa."

Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, "Why did you say the last part?" His daughter replies, "Because I needed to." The next day, grandpa dies of a heart attack. Bill is worried about his daughter but thinks, "I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A man goes to the doctor to get birth control pills for his daughter

Doctor: Oh, is she sexually active?

Man: No, she just lays there like her mom.

My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

My teenage daughter is really acting odd..

She can’t even

I am enraged! I spent my whole life being successful and giving my beautiful, blonde daughter every luxury money could afford and she went off and married a horse manure shoveler.

At least he has a stable income though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmers daughter wants to have a sleepover with three of her guy friends(NSFW)

The farmer agrees but when the friends get there he sits them down and tells them "ok I'll let you sleep at my house, but if you sleep with my daughter I will kill you" And he leaves them for the night.

The following morning he wakes up early to tend to his crops and finds them already awake...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

Who Did Princess Leia's Hair? (My daughter's joke)

Darth Braider



(I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My daughter recently confessed that she was a sex addict who couldn’t be satisfied the regular way

I guess the trip to the horse farm wasn’t the right move

My daughter asked me today: “Dad? Why am I named Rose?”

I told her because a rose fell on her head when she was born. My second daughter came up to me and asked:”Dad? Why am I named Lily?” I told her it was because a lily fell on her head when she was born. Then my third daughter walks up to me and says: “errablup!?” I said: “SHUT IT! CINDERBLOCK GET BAC...

In most parts of the world a woman is a mother,a daughter,a sister.

In Alabama,you can have all at once.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shelley's parents finally built up the nerve to confront their daughter about her time spent at the beach everyday...

 

 

Mom : "Quite a little operation you have going on out here sweetie.. but are you sure you've given this enough thought...?"

 

Shelley : "I sure have! This has always been my dream and I'm finally doing it! You should always do what yo...

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

A true work question

I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"

He answered, "I don't know."

I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."

My daughter keeps making rash decisions.

As a dermatologist, it's all in a day's work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My daughter asked how babies are made.

I said,
“Well, a man has a penis, and a woman has a vagina. When a man and a woman love each other, the man’s penis goes into the vagina, and that’s how a baby is made.”

She then asked,
“How far does the penis need to go into the vagina to make the b...

I hate when my daughter tells that she feels embarassed when I show up in her workplace and check on her

But this is the only strip club in the town ..

What do lawyers name there first daughter?

Sue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brunette mom, a redhead mom, and a blonde mom were talking about their daughters.

The brunette mom says, "The other day, I was cleaning my daughter's room, and I found a bottle of vodka. I didn't even know she drank!"

"Well, the other day I was cleaning my daughter's room," says the redhead mom, "and I found a pack of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked!"

"T...

I married Mr Take's daughter, who was fat

It was a big mistake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a father and a daughter were at a park.

The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.”
They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”

A woman is walking home with her three daughters.

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"

"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose".

The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.

"Well darling...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The farmers daughter needs a husband.

Farmer Joe’s daughter Lucy has come of age and is a ravishingly pretty girl. Recognising his daughters raging hormonal moods of late, Farmer Joe puts the word out in town that it’s time to find her a husband.

There is no shortage of guys in town who would love to snap her up and sure enough ...

A farmer has three daughters that are all going on their first dates...

The farmer decides to greet the suitors at the door with his shot gun. Around 5 the first boy arrives and rings the doorbell. “My names Joe, I’m here for flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?”

The farmer thought he was alright, so off they went to their date.

Shortly afte...

I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we were having for dinner tonight.

She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike

and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your new diamond ring ...

My daughter called me at work and told me she was playing a new game...

Its called hold ur breath challenge, i smiled until she told me grandpa has a new record of 4hrs.

My daughter entered a toddler's beauty pageant in the south.

She won the Miss Sippy Cup!

A Daughter is at her Farther's deathbed

She hasn't seen him in years and now they only have a few moments left. "Dad, i'm sorry," she whispers... "Goodbye sorry" he said, "i'm dead

My wife said our daughter lost her first tooth.

I said yeah, she won't touch my PlayStation again.

Elderly Woman

“An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."


Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.