My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in August!” I said, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers!

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

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Daughters vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with ...

Did you hear about the drummer who gave his daughters all the same name?

Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant. "Which Barbie? responds the worker.

"We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"...

A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins.

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth!”

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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed,

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by her saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know...

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

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I'm sorry for taking your daughter's virginity

It won't happen again

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, are out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One of them, with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support o...

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her daughter walks in. The daughter asks, “Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?”

Her mother replies, “I’ll show you”, and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the daughter says, “Someone’s at the door!”.

The mother laughs. “This is why people think we’re stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door.”

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I asked my daughter for the phone book

She called me old-fashioned, a dinosaur, etc. and handed me her phone.



So now the phone’s broken, the spider’s dead and my daughter’s pissed.

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

If my daughter grows up to be a nun..

Will I call her "daughter" or "sister"??

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My daughter has reached that age

where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.

Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

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A king looking for a knight to marry his daughter

A king is trying to find someone to marry his beautiful daughter and sets up a quest to who can find the most ping pong balls in all the land. Three knights set out on this adventure. A few days later the first knight arrives with 27 ping pong balls. The next knight comes in shortly after and has 54...

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An Irish Daughter...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad.....

I asked my daughter for the news

I asked my daughter to bring me the newspaper. she said I'm too old fashioned and brought me her iPhone. Not getting too much into details, the fly is now dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter is crying

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper.

She said that newspapers are old school and that no one reads them anymore, and proceeded to hand me her iPad.



That fly didn't stand a chance.

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A Dad accidentally walks in on his 18 year old daughter engaging in coitus with her boyfriend.

His daughter says:
"Dad! I'm Sorry..."

Dad replies "Hi Sorry!" before turning to the boy and asking "Are you fucking Sorry?"

My daughter asked for a Cinderella Themed Party.

So I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a brand new bag...

The girl, excited, replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad!"


I'll show myself out now

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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be true love, haven't seen her for weeks.

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A man is driving with his young daughter in the car

In the car ahead of them there is a couple fighting. They are shouting and the car is swerving a lot making the father worried. Then the woman reaches over and cuts the man’s dick off and throws it out the window. It hits the father’s car in the windshield in plain sight of his daughter who looked o...

What do you call your brothers daughters who have special powers?

Telekenieces

My 8 year old daughter today told me this gem!

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A Walkie-Talkie!

Daughter: What are those things that you blow on and make wishes?

Me: A breathalyzer

Daughter: "Can i keep the night light on?"

Dad: "And provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? Use your head, sweetie."

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff!

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A boyfriend comes over to ask for approval to marry their daughter.

The father is very skeptical and asks "Son, how much do you make a month? Is it enough to support my beautiful daughter?" The boyfriend shyly replies, "well sir... it's about $300 a month." The father is furious at this offer, "300??? That's not even enough to cover toilet paper! You absolutely cann...

I have a special needs daughter, and she hates taking baths.

I don’t blame her. I don’t like soggy vegetables either.

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter: What do you get when you cross a cow and an octopus?

A call from the ethics department and the immediate revocation of your grant funding!

Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers.

She says, "God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa."

Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, "Why did you say the last part?" His daughter replies, "Because I needed to." The next day, grandpa dies of a heart attack. Bill is worried about his daughter but thinks, "I...

A lot of people ask me about my daughter

It's really annoying, I'm just trying to take my girlfriend to school

Was walking in front of my 4 year old daughter today who got me with this doozy today.

Daughter: Kock Kock!

Me: Who’s There?

Daughter: Impatient Cow!

Me: impatient Cow Who?

Daughter: MoOoooOoOOVE IT!

Me: **Proud moment**

My daughter asked me today: “Dad? Why am I named Rose?”

I told her because a rose fell on her head when she was born. My second daughter came up to me and asked:”Dad? Why am I named Lily?” I told her it was because a lily fell on her head when she was born. Then my third daughter walks up to me and says: “errablup!?” I said: “SHUT IT! CINDERBLOCK GET BAC...

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What do you call your Japanese Sister's daughter?

A Japaneice

Did you hear Darth Vader had a second daughter named Elly?

Elly Vader

I am enraged! I spent my whole life being successful and giving my beautiful, blonde daughter every luxury money could afford and she went off and married a horse manure shoveler.

At least he has a stable income though.

In most parts of the world a woman is a mother,a daughter,a sister.

In Alabama,you can have all at once.

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My daughter recently confessed that she was a sex addict who couldn’t be satisfied the regular way

I guess the trip to the horse farm wasn’t the right move

My daughter woke me

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went to the bedroom to read while I fell fast asleep watching the Giants game.

"Daddy," she whispered, while tugging my shirt sle...

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Shelley's parents finally built up the nerve to confront their daughter about her time spent at the beach everyday...

 

 

Mom : "Quite a little operation you have going on out here sweetie.. but are you sure you've given this enough thought...?"

 

Shelley : "I sure have! This has always been my dream and I'm finally doing it! You should always do what yo...

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A farmers daughter wants to have a sleepover with three of her guy friends(NSFW)

The farmer agrees but when the friends get there he sits them down and tells them "ok I'll let you sleep at my house, but if you sleep with my daughter I will kill you" And he leaves them for the night.

The following morning he wakes up early to tend to his crops and finds them already awake...

The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

I married Mr Take's daughter, who was fat

It was a big mistake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A man goes to the doctor to get birth control pills for his daughter

Doctor: Oh, is she sexually active?

Man: No, she just lays there like her mom.

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My daughter asked how babies are made.

I said,
“Well, a man has a penis, and a woman has a vagina. When a man and a woman love each other, the man’s penis goes into the vagina, and that’s how a baby is made.”

She then asked,
“How far does the penis need to go into the vagina to make the b...

My daughter keeps making rash decisions.

As a dermatologist, it's all in a day's work.

Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

Who Did Princess Leia's Hair? (My daughter's joke)

Darth Braider



(I know, I know. She's a kid though. Lol)

What do lawyers name there first daughter?

Sue

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I tried to explain to my lil daughter that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But she's still making fun of me.

My 9-yr old daughter just told me this one.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked out the window?

It looks like rain, dear.

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The farmers daughter needs a husband.

Farmer Joe’s daughter Lucy has come of age and is a ravishingly pretty girl. Recognising his daughters raging hormonal moods of late, Farmer Joe puts the word out in town that it’s time to find her a husband.

There is no shortage of guys in town who would love to snap her up and sure enough ...

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While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe she'...

What do you call a pile of cats?

A Meowtain


My daughter's joke.

My teenage daughter is really acting odd..

She can’t even

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A brunette mom, a redhead mom, and a blonde mom were talking about their daughters.

The brunette mom says, "The other day, I was cleaning my daughter's room, and I found a bottle of vodka. I didn't even know she drank!"

"Well, the other day I was cleaning my daughter's room," says the redhead mom, "and I found a pack of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked!"

"T...

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,

She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.

15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.

Then, her other daughter walked into th...

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A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question

"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. ...

I hate when my daughter tells that she feels embarassed when I show up in her workplace and check on her

But this is the only strip club in the town ..

My uncle told me I'm the favorite daughter of his brother

which is niece

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

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A mother was driving with her daughter. They get behind a truck and all of a sudden...

A giant dildo hits their windshield. The daughter says “What was that, Mommy?!”
Mom says, “It was just a bug, honey.”
Daughter says, “Well, that bug has the biggest dick I’ve ever seen!”

A farmer has three daughters that are all going on their first dates...

The farmer decides to greet the suitors at the door with his shot gun. Around 5 the first boy arrives and rings the doorbell. “My names Joe, I’m here for flo, we’re going to the show, is she ready to go?”

The farmer thought he was alright, so off they went to their date.

Shortly afte...

A Daughter is at her Farther's deathbed

She hasn't seen him in years and now they only have a few moments left. "Dad, i'm sorry," she whispers... "Goodbye sorry" he said, "i'm dead

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One day a father and a daughter were at a park.

The daughter accidentally kills a butterfly. The father says, “Just because you killed the butterfly, you don’t get butter for a week.”
They were there the next day, and the daughter kills a cockroach. The father laughs and says, “Nice try.”

My daughter entered a toddler's beauty pageant in the south.

She won the Miss Sippy Cup!

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A mother and her teenage daughter were having the talk

Daughter: Mommy, is it true that the baby comes out of the same hole that the penis goes in?

Mum: Yes honey

Daughter: Then won't my teeth break while giving birth?

My daughter called me at work and told me she was playing a new game...

Its called hold ur breath challenge, i smiled until she told me grandpa has a new record of 4hrs.

My wife said our daughter lost her first tooth.

I said yeah, she won't touch my PlayStation again.

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike

and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your new diamond ring ...

When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.

I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"

Father: "Ask your sister.”

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

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A daughter asked...

A daughter asked her mother “Mom, how do you spell scrotum?”

Her mom replied “Honey you should’ve asked me last night, it was on the tip of my tongue.”

I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we were having for dinner tonight.

She replied with "I don't know dad I'm stumped"

Father and his special daughter are driving back to her mom's.

Father drives past a sign "7/11"
Daughter yells with excitement "Hotdog! Ice-creams"
Father says " ok we can get a hotdog"
He stops at the 7/11 walks in with the daughter and she yells to the clerk " Toilet ! Hotdog ice cream!" They clerk quickly hands her the bathroom key as the father che...

The 3 step Chinese torture

A guy comes to a Chinese house in the middle of nowhere. Being late he ask to sleep in their house. The dad accepts but says: "If you sleep with my daughter I will use the 3 step Chinese torture on you!"

The guy accepts and enters the house. The daughter is stunning beautiful. Also she flirts...

A man had 2 daughters and a son. One day all three of them wanted to ask how Dad had named them.

The first daughter asked, "Daddy why did you name me Rose?"

The father responded, "When you were born, a rose pedal floated through the window and landed on your head."

The second daughter asked, "Daddy, why did you name me Violet?"

The father responded, "When you were born, the...

My daughter's favourite

What wobbles in the sky?

A jellycopter.

This was her first and favourite joke when she heard it in kindergarten.

The most annoying part about both my wife and daughter wearing burqa is the confusion.

Last night, I accidentally slept with my wife

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An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposit...

What do women astronauts and my 14 year old daughter have in common?

"I have nothing to wear!"

[True story] A coworker never heard of the burger restaurant “Five Guys”

And his daughter told him “I had five guys last night and I’m not feeling well now.”

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

I accidentally walked into my daughter’s room and was shocked to see her reenacting a fantasy scene from 50 Shades of Grey.

Like the one where she gets a decent job right out of college.

Daughter’s favourite knock knock joke

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Interrupting paleontologist

Interrupting paleon...

DINOSAUR! DINOSAUR! DINOSAUR!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

Did you hear about the JRPG character who named his daughter Dot?

He called for her three times: "..." - she didn't answer.

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A big rubber dildo hits the windshield of the family car

Daughter in the back says: "what was that?"

Mother answers: "nothing sweetheart.... Just a big fat bug"

Daughter replies: "it had a huge dick though!"

Daughter

I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday.

"I want unicorns, rainbows and fairies," she giggled.

Ok, LSD it is then.

My grandson

Edit: please go easy on this joke - my 15 year old daughter made it.

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A dad scolded his daughter for killing a butterfly

To punish her, he told her she couldn't have any butter for a week.

The next day his daughter killed a honeybee.

To punish her, he told her she couldn't have any honey for a week.

The next day the daughter comes to her dad and says, "Mom killed a cockroach. Should I tell her?"

A woman is walking home with her three daughters.

Rose asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me Rose?”

To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we where coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!”

Lily, curious now, asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?”

To which her mot...

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has three daughters...

A farmer has three daughters and they all have dates on the same Saturday night. The daughters are upstairs getting ready and there’s a knock on the door.

The farmer answers the door to a nice looking young man who say:

“Hi, my names Joe I’m here to pick up Flo, we’re going to see a s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple decide to take their young daughter to zoo one weekend

While standing around the elephant exhibit the little girl notice that the big bull elephant has huge erection

She whisper to her mother "What is that between his legs?" & her mother whisper back "Oh that is nothing darling."

Not satisfied with mothers answer she whisper to her fat...

I recently won the hand of the daughter of the local butcher.

I stil can't believe some of these cannibal auctions on the Dark Web.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has three daughters...

Who all have dates on the same night. Considering how protective the farmer is as a father, he sat and waited for the boys with a shotgun in hand.

The first boy showed up: “I’m Eddy, lookin’ for Betty. We plan on spaghetti from Teddy’s, is she ready?”

The farmer took a good look at the...

My daughter said she wanted to be independent

So I shrunk her down and put her in my locket

There's this dad who is trying to get his daughter a birthday gift

And he knows that she is really starting to like Barbie, so he goes to the mall in hopes of finding a Barbie doll. He finally finds a store that sells Barbies and asks the cashier what Barbies are available.

"Well we have four Barbies: the Regular Barbie, which is $5."

The dad doesn't ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My daughter saw my wife and I having sex this morning

She said "Quit sending me these videos!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother takes her daughter to a clinic

She tells the doctor that her daughter has been having terrible nausea in the morning, lost her appetite, and even missed a period.

The doctor examines her, orders a bloodwork, and tells them to come back later in the evening.

The mom and girl come back. The doctor announces that the g...

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

[NSFW] What's the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?

I'm not coming in this morning.

I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.

Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.

The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

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