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Today I asked a girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was

She said: To stop seeing the same joke over and over in r/jokes.

Oh, and also fuck you.

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melv...

Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?

**me:** Herbert

**pregnant wife:** but what if it’s a b-

**me:** Himbert

I was asked to go out by 4 girls today!

Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom...

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out ...

Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.

But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here.

Hey girl, are you a newspaper?

Because there’s a new issue with you every single day

Funny when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud...

But when a girl sleeps with a tons of guys, somehow I am not one of them

I called two girls hipsters and got slapped

Apparently the polite term is conjoined twins

Today a girl kissed me

I wish I could post it in another subreddit

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

Girls call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

And then they call me ugly and poor.

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

In college, I lived in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

I met this girl at a vegan restaurant she said she knew me.

But I never met herbivore

So a guy is walking with a young girl into the woods.

Girl "It is getting dark out and I am getting scared"

Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said "Window or Aisle" ?

I replied "Window or you'll what ?"

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A girl told me she wanted to be "just friends".

I said "Can we be friends with benefits?".

She said "So, you just want sex?".

I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".

I met a girl crying outside a mall.

I asked her what's wrong, she said she lost 200$. So I gave her 40$ from the 200$ I picked up at the entrance.
When god blesses you, you must bless others.

I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants.

But you've probably never heard of herbivore.

My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

I was at a Christmas party with a stunning German girl . . .

I noticed she was standing directly underneath a Mistletoe. I approached her and asked flirtatiously 'Ooh, what's that little thing above you?'

'Its called an Umlaut.'

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Gary meets a girl at the bar

She agrees to take Gary home for the night. When they arrive Gary admits his secret, he’s a virgin.

Not to embarrass him, she comforts Gary and says she is going to freshen up in the bathroom. While doing that, she suggests Gary go to backyard where there is a tree with a hole in it. She tel...

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll".

Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

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A little girl asks her mother, “Mommy, how was I born?”

Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied: “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So w...

How do you tell the difference between a boy ghost and a girl ghost?

Their booooobs.

What's the best thing about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

Girl: I'm having heart surgery today.

Boy: I know .

Girl: I love you.

Boy: I love you too.

After surgery the girl wakes up and finds her father sitting in the chair.

Girl: Where is my boyfriend ?

Dad: Don't you know who gave you your new heart.

Girl: (With tears in her eyes ) Omg.

Dad : I...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

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Hey girl, are you interested in premature ejaculatiors? Cause

Hnnng, nevermind

What do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese

A little girl goes into a pet store.

She asked the shopkeeper in the sweetest little lisp: ‘Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?’

As the shopkeeper’s heart melted, he got down on his knees to her level and asked: ‘Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like this cute widdle b...

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I asked a mute girl if she'd have sex with me. Told her to clap once for "YES" and twice for "NO"

She said "YES" "YES"

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy.

Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick.

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

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Why does Japan love 2D girls so much?

A lot of bad things happened when they were the third Axis.

I dated a girl with a lazy eye once.

It turns out she was seeing someone else on the side.

Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl.

Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

Trying to impress this cute animal rights activist girl I just met, so I told her I work with animals

I'm a butcher.

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A little girl was talking to a cop on Christmas day...

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl.
"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop c...

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A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

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German:*whips out penis* Girl:"Gross!"

German:"Danke."

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A guy was having sex with a girl against a 1963 Corvette Stingray, but he couldn't finish

Those are hard to come by

Girls, beware of fats guys

They just want to get into your pantries

What does a black rectangle have in common with the girl I met last night?

>!you tap it once and it's gone!<

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Did you hear about the girl who drowned in a sea of lemonade?

Her body was schwepped away.

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Damn girl are you a reddit user?

Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them. They said it would be like winning the Lottery.

To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

Four college girls went to take a career placement exam...

The examiner told them there is only one question - just unscramble the letters in a word. So they looked at the word and after a moment one girl said "I know what that says! It says SPINE!" "Congratulations!" said the examiner. "You will be a doctor." The other three girls examine the word some mor...

I got a handj*b from a blind girl.

She said it was the biggest d\*ck she ever put her hands on.

I said, "No, you're just pulling my leg!"

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself

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I am never trusting in British girl again

She told me she's 400 pounds
and when we met she was a skinny ass model.

Wtf is wrong with people these days.

My Girlfriend is the sort of girl Men whistle at...

She looks like a sheep dog.

An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her father...

...on Take Your Kid to Work day. As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very upset.

Her father asked what was wrong. As staff were gathering around, she sobbed loudly "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"

The difference between a freshman girls cross country team and a litter of baby foxes?

One is a bunch of cunning little runts...

Me asking a girl out be like: (NSFW)

Me: So you free tonight?

Her: What no I charge $20 an hour!

A girl goes to a psychiatrist and complains, “I don’t want to marry, I am educated, independent and self sufficient. I don’t need a husband but my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

Psychiatrist: “You, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But sometimes you will not go in the way you want. Sometimes you will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plan won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then whom will you blame? Will you blame yourself?”...

What did the girl say after she met Jesus on a blind date?

Hmmm...you look much whiter on your profile picture.

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A girl with 12 boobs sounds weird.

dozen tit

What do you call a girl with one leg

Aileen

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The reason most girls do not like anal

its just a pain in the ass

I saw a girl wearing a GUESS t-shirt today...

Turns out "DD?" is not the correct response.

I used to be a boy in a girls body

Then I came out of my mom

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

What do girls and birds have in common?

They both flee when I approach them

If i had a dollar for every girl that didn't find me attractive,

they'd eventually find me attractive.

I asked a girl out yesterday.

I went up to her and said:
"are you today's trash because I wanna take you out"

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morn...

Lil boy and lil girl are playing in a sandbox. Lil boy pulls down his pants and says, 'I have one of these and you don't.'.

Lil girl runs off to mom who sets her straight. Next day, lil boy and lil girl are in the sand box again. Again lil boy pulls down his pants saying, ' I have one of these and you don't.'. lil girl pulls up her skirt and replys, 'I have one of these and can get as many of those as I want.'.

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NSFW My friend found a girl tied to the train tracks.

He told me he untied her and they went back to his place, I asked what they got up to and he said they had sex all night. Impressed by this I asked him if he got any head to which he said Nah I couldn’t find it

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

A blind girl walks into a museum and stops at the King Tut display.

She grabs her seeing eye dog and starts swinging him over her head in a circle.
A man tackles her and they both fall to the floor.
Why the hell did you do that? she exclaims...I was just having a look around.

I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.

But I broke it off

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Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

What makes every girl wet?

Water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I asked out a girl at the gym

She told me gym is her boyfriend. I laughed and kept chatting with her. Then Jim kicked my fucking ass.

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Blonde girl painting her lounge.

Her friend walks in and can't believe how well she is doing, but she is sweating buckets, Friend says to her why are you wearing a leather jacket and a Parker!?

Blonde says "helloooooooo" read the fucking tin, it says, for best results put two coats on.

What does Joe Biden say to young girls when he leaves the room?

"Smell ya later!"

Girl are you non-binary?

Because you are definitely a 10!

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

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Been chatting to a 14 year old girl online....

She's really cute and sexy, and now shes just told me shes an undercover cop!

How fucking cool is that for somebody her age

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

Why do teenage girls go to the bathroom in odd-numbered groups?

Because they can't even.

A girl dances with you regularly but isn't into you. What does she see you as?

A step-brother

...sorry

A girl goes out surfing but does not return home...

...sick with worry, her parents ask for help and the lifeguard service heads out to find her. Soon, the parents are informed over the phone by an excited lifeguard. "We have bad news, good news, and really good news!" The parent's tears are instantly dried and smiles spread across their faces but al...

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So a guy and a girl are on a date, when they walk past a pond with swans in it.

The girl turns to the guy and says “I can talk to animals.” The guy looks at the girl and says “I gotta see this!” So the girl turns to the swans and says,

“HEY SWANS, FUCK YOU!”

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What do you call a girl who don’t suck dick?

A cab.

I went to a costume party dressed as an egg and I met a girl dressed as a chicken.

I said to her "So are we going to find out, or what?"

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The girl next door is known as the neighborhood bicycle, so I asked her to have sex with me.

But she was two tired.

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A little girl was in class talking to her teacher.

"I had a kitty who stuttered." Said the little girl. "I was in the back yard with it when a Rottweiler that lives next door jumped over the fence into our yard!"

“That must've been scary!” said the teacher.

“It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty raised his back and wen...

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said “son, that’s three schools this year...

...maybe teaching isn’t for you.”

A little girl walks into a pet store and tells a store associate that she’d like to buy a bunny.

The employee smiles down at the little girl and says, “Right this way! We have lots of different rabbits to choose from depending on what you’re looking for.” She leads the little girl over to a large enclosure where a huge collection of bunnies of all different sizes and colors are hopping about or...

Who is the hottest girl in the world?

Medusa because whenever I stare at her I’m rock hard.

What’s the hottest thing about trans girls?

You know they’re all squirters

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If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work at?

IHOP!
-Jake Harper

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A girl with no arms and legs

A man is walking along the beach when he heard distant crying. The crying got louder and louder when eventually he saw a girl lying in the sand, crying her eyes out.

"Why are you crying?" He asks the girl.
"I'm just so sad..*sniff* I've got no arms...no legs...and I've never been kissed b...

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

A girl was arguing with her boyfriend.

"All my friends tell me stories about how their boyfriends take them for rides with Lamborghini's and Porsche's!" she told him. "Why don't you ever do something like that? You are boring as hell!"

The boy was very upset about this, but there wasn't much he could do. He had no car, no money to...

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I finally got a girl...

But she keeps trying to break the lock on my basement.

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[NSFW] Muslim girls don't give blowjobs

They give Hijabs

I asked this girl if she would date me.

She said that she left her accelerator mass spectrometer at home.

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A girl was a prostitute but...

She lived with her grandma and didn't want her to know.

One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw he...

What do rocks and girls have in common?

The flat ones get skipped.

A guy's with a girl on their first date.





He tells her “I work with animals every day!”

She replies “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He responds “I’m a butcher.”

Why can’t girls play hockey?

Because their pads only last one period!

A guy takes a girl home

Once there, she takes off her clothes, throws herself on the bed and yells:

\- Come! Make me feel like a woman!

He stares, takes off his clothes, throws them on the bed and says:

\- Wash them

Hispanic girls can not be a man's peace. Its literally in their name.

(His)(panic)

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Does anyone else hate it when a girl pulls the “I have a boyfriend” line on you when you aren’t even remotely interested in her?

...My wife really acts fucking strange sometimes.

My girl walked out on me.

She said that I am not getting someone like her again.
Jokes on her because my next Chinese girlfriend looks exactly the same.

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A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off the van and proceeds to whip the girl until they bothcollapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl no...

I dated an African girl....

we just clicked

A shark ate a girl that had dandruff.

How did they know?

They found her head and shoulders on the beach.

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

I used to know a girl from a nudist colony

Man, I tell you, nothing looked good on her!

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A girl and a boy go to Sunday school together,

They sit on the same table next to each other. The girl falls asleep on the desk with her head on her arms.

Soon, the leader asks a question, “Who is our lord and saviour?” The boy pulls a drawing pin from the display board and pokes the sleeping girl in the arm. She wakes up with a start and...

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

Five years ago I asked the girl of my dreams to go on a date with me. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said no both times.

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance.

She agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. The rental has a long line, so he waits and waits, and finally he gets his suit.

He decides to buy flowers, so he goes to the flower shop. The flower shop has a long line, so he waits and waits, until he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the g...

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A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane...

Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said...

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The nake...

A mother was pregnant with triplets.(2 girls, one boy)

A guy enters her hospital room and shoots three bullets into her stomach, which hit each of the three children.

The babies luckily survive, but the mother dies.

Ten years later...

One of the girls run up to her dad and says, "Daddy, I went to the bathroom and out came a bullet!"...

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I just met a cute girl named Kidding.

I wish I was fucking kidding.

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A girl asked me what it's like to have a dick

It has it's ups and downs

It's hard sometimes

When I was in college, I used to watch my roommate constantly sweeping girls off their feet.

He was a really aggressive janitor.

Hey Girl, you know why they call me the Mechanical Bull?

Because riding me is a very uncomfortable and likely short experience.

What's the downside to cumming on the face of the girl you like?

Having to clean the monitor.

How to get any girl in the world

Step Number 1: Be handsome and hot

Step Num- wAit... you didn’t follow step 1. Do that first

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What do you call it when you cum on a sad girl?

A download.

I saw a girl the other day, and sparks flew. I love her, she loves me, she followed every command that I gave her

I love my new taser

There are three girls, one named Tulip, one named Daisy, and one named Brick.

One day, three girls and their mom are walking down the street. One is named Tulip, one is named Daisy, and one is named Brick. Tulip asks, "Mommy, why am I named Tulip?", "Oh, because a bunch of Tulips fell on you when you were born," Her mom said. "Well, why am I named Daisy?", "Because a bunch of...

A girl asked if I was into S&M. I don't really know a lot about music, but she was cute so I said "sure."

She must have figured out I was lying because she beat the hell out of me.

How could they tell the kraken was a girl...

By how much seamen she swallowed

A white guy, a black guy, an Indian, an Asian women and a girl in a wheel chair walk into a bar

They are celebrating being on the cover of a middle school math book

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One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was walking to a bar, when he saw a girl tied to some railroad tracks

He went and untied her, following which one thing led to another and they had a lot of sex.

When he finally got to the bar, his friends asked why he was so late. He then told them about the girl he found and how they made sweet love in multiple positions on the side of the tracks. Naturally, ...

Why are all the girls jealous of medusa?

Cause any guy that looks at her gets rock hard

So I was sucking off this girl the other day when I thought..

Hol’ up..

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