If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive

They would eventually find me attractive.

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.


At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....

Before going to bed a girl says:

“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Goodnight grandad, bye grandma.”

The next day the grandma dies. The girl says again:

“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Bye grandad.”

The next day the grandad dies. The next night, the girl says:

“Goodnight Mum, bye Dad.”

When the dad get...

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time.

When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:

A. She is a prude and you have no future together.

B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness.

C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex

She turns to him and says,

"Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian."

He said:
"That doesn't bother me any!"

She responded:
"That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.

A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?"

The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."

If a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she either really likes you, or you've been completely friendzoned

Or she hasn't seen you in the tree with your binoculars yet.

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.

I told her we use names here

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.

Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.

You have died from dissin' Terry.

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

I asked a girl to rate me out of 10 the other day

She said "you're an 8 on a scale of 10"

I still don't understand why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate my job.

My job is so fucking unbelievable.

I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. Sh...

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely sil...

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the ...

50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic

Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.

I slept with a girl who works at Netflix last night

It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next

Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.

They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Does my thai girlfriend have a dick

Something inside me is telling me yes

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..

Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl told me her pussy tasted like a rainbow

Found out she meant trout, not Skittles

There's something a lot of girls want, that guys have below their waist. It starts with p and ends with s

Pockets

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW.. Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off..

I said : son, that’s the fourth school this year.


Maybe teaching in an elementary school isnt for you

Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?

They just, like, literally can't even

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.

He told me to give her a handjob.

I told a girl she looks better without glasses

Girl: "But I don't ever wear glasses"

Me (while cleaning my glasses): "But I do"

A girl goes to her mother

A girl goes to her mother and asks, “mom, why was I named Lily?”
The mother replies, “Because when you were born, a lily petal fell on your head, and we then knew it was the perfect name.”
Then another girl goes to her mother and asks, “mom, why was I named Rose?”
The mother replies, “Becau...

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth...

Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before.

Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear wha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little girl and the atheist

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
str...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asked me if I was a breast or thigh man and I said I was more into pussy and ass.

I am now banned from KFC.

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

I was walking home last night and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery

3 girls walked up to me and explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night so I agreed to let them walk along with me. I told them “I understand, I used to get freaked out too when I was alive.”

MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED

G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The good guy gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl.
X: Everybody gets the girl!

I went out dressed as a chicken last night and met a girl who was dressed as an egg.

One thing led to another and the eternal question was answered:

​

It was the chicken.

My son got sent home for kissing a girl in his class...

I told him it has to stop before he runs out of schools he can teach at.

A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart.

As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, “Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go—don’t throw a fit. It won’t be long.” In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says,

“There, there, Missy, don’t cry. Two more aisle...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy falls in love with a girl called Wendy

Few months later, he decides to propose to her. To make it unforgettable, he gets her name tattooed on his penis, so when it's flaccid it reads WY and when he gets a hard on, it says Wendy. He shows it to her and she's so impressed with his commitment and all, says Yes and they get married.
...

Do trans girls float in water?

After all, they are boy’nt

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”

Then she did and my day was ruined.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A freshman is talking to the new girl in school.

“You’ll like it here,” he tells her. “Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron.”

​

“Do you know who I am?” the girl asks her new classmate. “I’m the daughter of the principal.”

​

The boy is silent and ...

A little Catholic boy and a little Protestant girl, both about four years old, were growing up in Northern Ireland...

Even though Catholics and Protestants didn’t generally get along with one another, the two played together often, not understanding why their families said they shouldn’t be friends.

On one particularly hot day, the two were playing when the little girl said, “‘Tis terribly hot today. We sho...

I was once in a group project with a girl who did nothing but send feet pics

That was her sole contribution

Why can’t most girls count to 70?

Because 69 is a mouthful!

Today 10 girls asked me to go out

I was in a women's bathroom.

Guy: I’m hungover

Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone’s gonna hear us. Over.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I once had a girl break up with me because I wasn't into the whole pissing fetish. No half measures when it comes to that fetish.

Either urine or you're out.

3 girls and thier mother were walking through a park...

Girl 1 turned to her mother and said...

Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily?

Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head.

The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question...

Girl 2: Why is my name Rose?

Mom: When we took...

College girl visits the doctor for an exam...

Doctor: "Take off your blouse and bra."

So the girl complies and there is imprint of a T on her chest.

Doctor says: "What caused this?"

Girl: "Well my boyfriend goes to Texas University and likes to wear his letter jacket when we make love."

Doctor: "Ok you're finished, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.

She said "Fuck you".

So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.

I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks.....

The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks."

The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks"

and before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What do you want to see?”

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don’t care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

When a guy has slept with a lot of girls, he’s cool

But when a girl has slept with a lot of guys, she’s your mom.

I went out with a girl who's left breast was made of timber.

Just kidding. That would be ridiculous, wooden tit?

Why did the girl fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms

I once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels

Unfortunately she didn't know I existed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy accidentally says another girls name during sex

One day, Matt is fucking his girlfriend, Sarah, in his apartment, after they both spent some time together. They're both passionately going at it, and look into each others eyes, and as Matt is about to climax he yells "Ohhh, Angela!"

Sarah instantly stops, and gives a sharp cold look, and sh...

What's good about having twenty one year old girls?

Theres twenty of them

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!"...

When a girl gets pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".
Moral: Hard work is never appreciated. Only results

I don’t accept nudes, I tell the girls to cover up

Go ahead, send me a nude and see what I say

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom;

in fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, I've dating a really Sweet Korean girl...

I think she's my Seoul mate.

Edit: First Platinum thank you kind stranger!

I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.

I said, "I work with animals every day."


She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"


I replied, "I'm a butcher!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a blind girl says you have a big penis

She's probably pulling your leg

What do girls ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97 all have in common?

They're all in their prime.

Why should you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

Because she's thick and tired of it.

What is it called when you screw a girl that's had 10 abortions.

A graveyard smash.

After a date, I asked this girl for a 68

“68? What’s that?” She asks

I replied “it’s where you blow me and I owe ya one”

My three year old girl asked me

"Where does poo come from?"

I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"

"Yes." she replied.

"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over ...

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

So I dated this white girl once. We're where driving around looking for a place to eat. I asked her have you ever had five guys

She said once but she was really needing the money

I used to date a girl called Lorraine but now i'm with Clara.

I can see Clara now Lorraine has gone.

A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, “I'm looking for a turn-off.”

I said, “I repost jokes on Reddit.”

A girl refused to blow me because I was uncircumcised.

Guess I wasn't cut out for the job.

I once met a girl with 12 nipples.

Sounds funny.



Dozen-tit?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex

My girlfriend insists that it says 'dyslexia' but what does she know.

How do you seduce a farm girl?

A tractor.

Things were going really well with this lovely Chinese girl I'd taken home when she asked if there was anything I'd like. I said "I'd love a 69"

She slapped my face, burst into tears and threw me out, screaming "You bloody men are all the same...!

"I'm not making beef and broccoli at this time of night!"

A blind girl once told me I was hung like a horse

But She was just pullin my leg

I proposed to the girl I've been seeing for a while. She was freaking out and apparently she wanted to make things official.

I'm now signing some papers with the police.

Why did the girl invite the mushroom to the school dance?

Because he was a Fun-gi

Two girls weent for a smoke

Did you hear about the two mormon girls who went to beach to smoke a cigarette away from the watchful eye of their parents? One had never smoked before, and was surprised to see her friend pull two cigarettes out of a condom, where she had them kept away. Her friend explained this was the best way t...

Its the homecoming dance, and so far the gym is split between boys and girls.

Several minutes pass until the boys start talking to the girls and asking them to dance. One after another the girls get asked to. All but one remains. Nobody has asked her out due to her fake wooden eye that she has.

Then suddenly, one boy realizes her sitting alone and wishes she was havin...

Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

My daughter got in a fight with some girl who called her a whale.

​

“Come on love,” I said, “You’re bigger than that.”

I once dated a girl with a lazy eye

It always felt like she was seeing someone on the side though

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little girl named Susie....

...was playing outside in the backyard and saw a butterfly flying about. She was entertained by this butterfly, but has an innate sense to destroy and proceeded to smush that poor poor butterfly. Her dad saw this and exclaimed, “SUSIE!!! Why did you kill that butterfly!? No butter for a month!”
<...

How can you tell if a girls from Alabama is a virgin?

She can run faster than her brothers.

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having sex with a girl the other day, and she started making this horrible sound, I can't even describe it.

Needless to say, it really threw off my hole fucking rhythm.

A blond and two brown haired girls are playing hide and seek

The first girl hides in a dog crate with a towel over it when the it comes by she says woof woof the it goes right by the second girl hides in a cat crate and when the it goes by she says meow meow the blond hides in a potato sack and when the it comes by she screams POTATO NOISES.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met a girl who was a grammar nazi

We liked the same music. The same movies. The conversation was so effortless. After only two dates, I knew she was the one. We had a third date lined up, and I knew we were going to have sex, but then she went to jail.

I wrote to her constantly, counting the days until she'd be free and we c...

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

What does it mean when a girl in your bed is gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice...

Except Chris Brown

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, I was dating a Japanese girl...

The relationship grew old rather quickly so I decided to break up with her. When I told her, she just stood there in disbelief. It's like you have to drop the bomb twice for them to get the message.

What’s the similarity between girls into nail art and Germans?

Both remove polish with chemicals.

I once dated a girl who owned a pet parakeet. We broke up because that thing would never shut up.

But the bird was cool

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when a mechanic has sex with a girl and never sees her again?

Nut and bolt

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew from work has been dating a girl suffering from Tourette syndrome for years now. I always wondered what kept them together.

Then I saw the swear jar.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised,...

You wanna hear about the time I gave my girl a shot of sodium, bromine, and oxygen?

NaBrO

A man sees a girl in the bar and decides to drop a pickup line

Him: Are you from Tennessee? Cause you’re the only Ten-I-See!

Her: Are you from Alabama? Cause I’m your sister.

It's nice to meet a girl in a park

But it's also nice to park meat in a girl

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked a girl, "Do you know the zip code for sex?"

She said, "No."

I told her, "No wonder you don't have any male in your box."

I saw a 4 year girl crying, all alone.

“Are you ok?” I asked her. “Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?”

“No” she sobbed.

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage.

10 or more girls asks me out everyday.

I go to the ladies toilet.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my w...

The madam tell her girls

"Just give those guys blow-up dolls. they're so wasted they'll never know the difference"

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says **'I think mine was a witch'**

First: 'Really? Why...

Today a Girl Winked at Me

With both of her eyes

Little girl in class crying, Teacher says what is wrong Lucy? Lucy replies I have peed my pants, Teacher asks why didn't you put your hand up?

Lucy replied, I did miss but it trickled through my fingers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I broke up with my Thai girlfriend today.

She was a little bit too cocky for my taste.

Girls are like square roots

If they’re under 13, do them in your head

A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. “Did God make you, PopPop?” the girl asks.

“Yep! He certainly did,” the old man answers.

&#x200B;

“And did he make me too?” she asks next.

&#x200B;

“Of course he did,” the old man answers again.

&#x200B;

“Well,” she replies, “he’s certainly getting better at it.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenage girl come home from school and asks her mother a question

"Is it true what Rita just told me?" "What's that?" asks her mother. "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?" said her daughter. "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter. ...

It’s funny that when a guy sleeps with a ton of girls, he is a stud.

But when a girl sleeps with a ton of guys, I’m somehow never one of them.

So, Pinnochio goes to Geppetto and asks about girls...

Geppetto responds, “Ahh, i know exactly what you need. Here’s a few condoms.”

Pinnochio leaves, comes back later, very sad.

Geppetto asks, “Whats wrong Pinnochio?”

Pinnochio looks at Geppetto, and says “Geppetto, all of the girls complained about splinters. The splinters were te...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Girl, you remind me of a cigarette

Because I wanna get you lit and put your butt in my mouth

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The girl: This pussy gonna change your wholelife

The boy: prove it!

The doctor: you have aids now

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Slutty girls are like Wal-Marts

Everyone makes fun of them but when you're inside one at 4am, you think "Thank God these are here".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Damn girl, are you r/jokes?

Because its the same shit over and over

A girl is looking in the mirror feeling very self-conscious about her body. She tells her boyfriend laying on the bed that she feels fat and if he could give her a compliment to feel better.

The boyfriend says “Your eyesight is perfect.”