UPJOKE
womanfemalegirlfriendchildboymaidmandaughteryoung womanlittle girlgallassadultschoolgirlhuman

I met a girl, very sweet, she said her name was Persephone. I said “that’s a wonderful name, you certainly don’t hear that everyday…..”.

She just said, ‘Actually, I do.’

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A girl I was talking to online enquired about my penis size...

She said that she only asked because she has dated nothing but "pencil-dick" guys before, but they were awkward to work with and never brought her the satisfaction she desired in from a partner.

I assured her "You don't have to worry about that with me, my penis is waaaaaaaay shorter then 7.5...

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!...

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The girl in the bar didn't believe me when i bragged that my cock can really test her gag reflex..

Back in my place, She immediately puked when she smelled it...

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Buzz Buzz

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this t...

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A young lady falls in love with a wealthy man

They soon get married and they are living the life of luxury. Dream homes, exotic cars, and luxurious vacations.

The girl is having a conversation with her father one day and she mentions that she is considering leaving her husband. The father asks why and the girl explains. “He will only do...

Y’know what a Slim Jim and a girls first handjob have in common?

“Grip ‘n Rip”

Why do you not make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

Because she is thick and tired of it.

The Barbies

Few days before Christmas the father of a lovely 9yo girls goes to best you shop in town. He walks the lanes untill he finds a nice girl and asks her for help.

Dad: good afternoon. Please, can you help me choosing a Barbie doll for my daughter?

Shop assistant (SA): Sure Sir! How much w...

Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels

[my little girl’s favourite-ever joke]

An 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she gave birth in a hospital. The nurse congratulated the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. What's the secret?"...

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

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A man with a small penis goes to a brothel, chooses his girl, and they head to a room. She laughs at his tiny penis and says "Who are you going to please with that thing?"

"Me", he replied.

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A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi.

A woman and her 13 years old son were inside a Taxi. It was raining and all the twilight girls (Prostitutes) were standing by the roadside.



The Boy asked; “Mummy, what are all those women doing?



His Mother replied; “They are waiting for their husbands to come back from ...

Artist

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, I'm drawing God. The teacher paused and said, But no one know...

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my ex-wife

in fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow

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Putin and two Russian generals are sitting in the Russian presidential aircraft

Putin gets bored and suggests to play a game to kill some time.
They came up with the idea that each of them will throw something out of the plane and later they will go to check what happened on the ground.

The first general pulls a Zippo lighter from his pocket, throws it out the wind...

Why does Santa have such a big sack?

For all the toys he brings to the good little girls and boys.



What were you thinking, you perv?!?

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a girl on facebook just said "letting everything out hurts"

so i commented " yeah im takin a shit too"

Shopping nightmare

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, Now Monica, we just have half of th...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you t...

Timbuktu (NSFW)

Two best friends, Dave and Tim, died in a car accident and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the gate and said "sorry, there's only room for one of you." The two friends were unsure on how to proceed, so St. Peter made them an offer.

"I will give you both one word and who ever makes up the bes...

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Humans aren't the only creatures who stutter [NSFW for language]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. *"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,"* she says.

A little girl raises her hand and says, *"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."*

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to ...

Supermarket joke; I think.

I went to the checkout at tescos after getting a sandwich and crisps. They young girl asked me if I wanted to go for drink! I was shocked and said:”young lady I am old enough to be your granddad”. She look at me and said:”the drink is part of the meal deal”. I had never been so embarrassed.

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My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

I had a date with a girl with leprosy and I think she likes me

She conveniently left an ear behind

3 Girls die together, & went to heaven

Saint Peter said, "We have only one simple rule here. Don't step on the turtles, walk carefully"

Girl 1 walks uncautiously and steps on a turtle.
Saint peter - what have you done? We are going to give you one of the worst punishments.
Girl 1 - It was by mistake, just give me one exc...

So this young chap had always fancied this girl

All though high school he had admired her from afar. But never had the courage to ask her out.

Come the Prom he thinks to himself, if he doesn't ask now, it's never going to happen. So straightening his jacket, slicking back his hair, he puts his heart in his hands goes up to her and asks;...

Don't do it !!!

I talked a girl out of jumping off a bridge yesterday. I spent 3.5 hours talking her out of it quietly and calmly.

She seemed pretty grateful afterwards but the guy running the bungie jump looked **very** angry.

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

Dr. Visit

A girl goes in for a check-up, at a local Doctor's office. During the course of the exam he gets out his stethoscope and says "Big Breaths now". She replies "Yeth, I'm only thixteen!"

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So a woman is walking to work

So this woman got a new job a short walk from her house. On her way to work her first day she walks in front of a pet store with a parrot in a cage out front. As she walks by the parrot they look at each other and the parrot says "damn girl you are uuuuglyyy". She is seriously offended and thinks ab...

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A group of 3 friends go out to a club one night

and have the best time of their life.
They get pretty drunk, and by the end of the night they get in the car and leave.
Drunkenly, they hit a tree on the way home and all three of them are dead on impact.
When they arrive in Heaven, they're welcomed by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. ...

How do you get a farm girl to like you?

A Tractor

There are 3 dogs, a Chihuahua, a Yorkshire Terrier and a Great Dane, in an animal hospital side-by-side in cages. They are talking to each other.

“So what are you in for?”

The chihuahua says:
“My owner had a birthday party for his little girl yesterday. There were so many kids at the party it was crazy. Some boys were chasing me and tormenting me. Finally they cornered me in one of the bedrooms. I lost it and I lunged out and I b...

Confucius Say

It is nice to meet girl in park...

but it is nicer to park meat in girl

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why did newton die a virgin

Because he wasn't integrals (into girls) (he invented calculus)

I kissed a girl today.

Wish I could post this in another sub some day.

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Two statisticians are sitting at a bar

Stat 1: Hey man. Have you hooked up with that girl you're seeing yet?

Stat 2: Yeah, last night actually. She gives a mean blowjob!

Stat 1: Oh.. hmm.. nothing spectacular then.

Stat 2: Yeah, It was a 5/10.

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My girl took some pictures of her butt and saved them on the hard drive

She was backin' dat ass up!

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

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An 75 year-old man arrives at a nudist resort.

After checking in, he is given the keys to his suite. As he goes to his new suite butt naked, he sees a gorgeous 20 year-old blonde heading his way, and immediately gets an erection.

"Did you call for me?" asks the blonde.

"What do you mean?" asks the man.

"We have rules here th...

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Travelling salesman

There was a travelling salesmen who had the job since he was he was seventeen so was constantly on the road, and had only ever slept with prostitutes his whole life. Due to this fact he had never went down on a woman for fear of where they might have been, although it was something he always desired...

Nine Words

Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.

This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.

Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<...

Mrs. Johnson was having her second set of twins: a boy and a girl.

Once again, she fell into a coma before delivery, so it fell to her younger brother to name the newborns. Traditionally, that job would fall to the eldest, but he had lost that privilege after naming her first set of twins Denise and Denephew. When she finally came to, she saw her brother standing b...

The Cow Did

There was this poor Irish family, a father, mother, and their 3 sons, living on this old dirt farm. The only thing they had that was worth anything was their old milk cow. It gave a lot of high grade milk and when they’d milk it they’d take it to make milk and cheese and take the excess to sell and ...

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Hotline

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic. A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you. ...

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, ...

Vladimir Putin visits a school...

He asks a boy: "Who is your true mother?". "Mother Russia of course!", says the boy. Putin then asks a girl: "who is your true father?". "You, great president!", replies the girl. Putin then asks the quiet kid sitting at the back: "You there, what do you want to be when you grow up?". The quiet kid ...

Why are Ukrainian girls the best to date?

No matter how often you come over, they keep Putin out!

Hey girl, are you an arms dealer?

Cause every time I see you, you give me a semi, automatic.

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Eyes on the prize

It was a slow night at the Casino, just a few regulars playing the slots…

Two bored dealers were standing at the "mini-craps" table when out of nowhere, an incredibly attractive blonde woman from South Alabama placed a $5,000 bet on a single roll of the dice.
With a deep southern drawl, ...

Three Guys in a Bed

Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.

In the morning, the guy on the right said, "I had this great dream last night that a girl gave me a hand job"

The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I."

Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for ...

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Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub.

He says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can Fuck all night long"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.

The next morning she says,"You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5 inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"..

Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It...

I check my girl’s phone every day

I have to make sure she’s not talking to Pete Davidson

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The screw and the bellybutton

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imagina...

I was recently dumped by a girl that has a lisp.

I've just received a text from her saying: "Was thinking of you when I bought some highly alcoholic green liquid."

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

A woman wakes up from coma...

Doctor: You've been in coma for the past 3 months

Woman: Oh no! Is the baby ok?

Doctor: Yes everything is fine, you had twins! A boy and a girl. And your brother got to name them :)

Woman: Nooo my brother is an idiot! What did he name them??

Doctor: He named the girl Deni...

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The local brothel is hiring

This to be told at parties - needs to have women in the audience.

So, the local brothel has been losing business for a while and the owner thought it's time to add some new faces to shore up some business. She had 3 rooms open and could hire 3 more girls.

She puts up an ad on the loc...

A naked man arrives at a party with a girl on his back.

“I am a turtle” he says.

“Who is on your back?”

“That’s Michelle”

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Dwarf with a speech impediment wants to buy a horse

A dwarf walks into a feed store and starts a conversation with the owner, it comes up that he’s looking to buy a horse. The owner tells him about his friend who owns a horse ranch just outside of town. The owner calls up his friend and says "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He ...

What's the worst thing a girl can hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

I used to date a girl called Sue Denim....

Until I found out that it wasn't her real name.

My buddy sidled up next to me at the club and said, "Hate to be the one to break this to you, but I just saw some dude put his arms around your girl three times." I laughed and told him I didn’t believe him because...

Nobody’s got arms that long.

DAD! Please don't be mad at me but I am pregnant!

Little David is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really ne...

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A certain talk.

One day a vicar bumped into the headmistress of an exclusive girls' school.
"O Vicar, our girls are a certain age and we would like them to to have a Christian perspective on sex. Will you talk to them next Tuesday afternoon?"

The vicar agreed and decided he had better put the talk on his ...

I met a girl at a club the other night who said she’d show me a good time and incredibly, when we got outside...

She ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

I just broke up with my girl friend, I caught her lying…

under another man.

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A fat man wants to lose weight...

A fat man is looking for a way to lose weight. He has already tried all kinds of slimming diets and fitness programs, but they didn't work for him. One day, he comes across an ad that says: "New revolutionary method - weight loss 100% guaranteed. Satisfied or your money back!"
He thinks: "Since ...

Why did the Amish girl get kicked out of her house?

Too Mennonite.

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What’s the difference between a magical girl’s comedy sketch and a female dog’s snappy comeback?

One’s a witch’s bit and the other is a bitch’s wit.

A farmer stopped

by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of...

Ayy girl, are you a gas station?

Because your prices went up significantly within the last few months

a teacher is doing attendance. she comes across the name “hijkm” she says “i’m sorry, i’m not sure how to pronounce this name,” then spells it out. a girl raises her hand and says this:

“that’s me, and it’s pronounced noelle”

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I was sitting in my new class one day.

I was sitting in my new class one day, waiting for the period to start, when this really hot girl walked in. She was looking at me throughout the whole period. So after class I decided to walk up to her and ask her for her number.

I was a bit ugly so she looked at me weird, but reluctantly s...

How do you call it, when a sugar daddy falls in love with a girl?

Candy Crush.

A telemarketer calls a family’s home phone

A little girl picks up and whispers “hello?”

TM- “Oh hello little girl, are your mommy or daddy home?”

LG- (chuckles, then whispers) “yes they both are, but they’re busy and can’t talk right now.”

TM- “Oh, okay… is there another adult I can speak with?”

LG- (whispers) yea...

One of my buddies made a trans girl cry yesterday. So I angrily asked, "How could you..."

"... propose to her without telling me first?"

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

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Want to hear a joke?

Boy: “Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, it’s too long.”

Girl: “Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won’t get it.”

Beach days ….

My friend tells me if you really want the girls to notice you at the beach practice your walk, get a nice Speedo bathing suit, and toss a potato down into the Speedo. This will drive the woman nuts.!!
Well I did everything, but still had no luck.
This is when he informed me that the potat...

A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?”

- “Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
- “But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!”
- “Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.”
- “Oh, okay!”

Girl, I am no weatherman

But tonight you can expect up to three inches

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I said to a blonde girl.

I bet you a blowjob I can sing a song with your name in it, no way says the blonde, my name is Chantelle, so I bet you, Ok I said here we go....


Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Chantelle happy blow job for me...

I once dated a girl just for her internet connection

She was wifi material.

How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.

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Guy walks into a bar…

Sits down and orders a drink, when suddenly he notices 2 girls sitting in the corner talking to each other, one of them is gorgeous, and the other is fugly.

He walks up to the ladies, approaches the ugly one and says “Hey, can I ask you out?”

Amazed, the ugly girl replies “Of course, s...

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a store downtown...

I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Wednesday morning I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work.

So today, I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl...

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passio...

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Old sailor's joke

So an old salty sailor told me this one, I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I did.

There once was a sailor, who got off his ship in a distant land. First thing he does is ask where the nearest brothel is at. Once there he orders his drink, starts talking to the pretty women around, and final...

Girl talking to her mum.

Girl: Mum, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the girls that haven't got any.

Mum: Oh and what girls are we talking about?

Girl: Oh you know the ones..

Mum: No I don't understand.

Girl: The ones on daddy's computer.

Punish me daddy,I've been a naughty girl

"For the last time ,Brenda, it's 'Forgive me Father,I've sinned' "

Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island.

After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she’s doing, that she kills herself.

After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they’re doing, that they bury her.

After another week, they’re so ashamed of what they’re doing, that they dig her up again.

What did the boy frog say to the girl frog?

Rubbit.

Girl and Guy on first date.

They were just asking each other different random questions to get acquainted.. one of the questions was about food and what their favourite food was...

Girl: Oh my god I love cheese.

Guy: Lucky for you, I'm not circumcised.

What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette

I knew a girl who mixed up KY Jelly and superglue

I asked her how it happened but her lips were sealed

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The thing I learned from Beauty and the Beast:

Any girl can fall in love with you given you lock her in the basement long enough.

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole, but was never able to attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy Bob for advice. Billy Bob explains, "It's those baggy swim shorts that make you look like an old fool. They're years out of style. Bubba, grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized Tater down inside them. I'm tellin' 'ya man y...

A woman is walking home with her three daughters

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did get my name?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose."
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
"Well darling, when we wer...

A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren’t dumb

A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her “what’s 2+2?” The little girl shivers and squeaks out “T-three?...

A substitute teacher is calling roll for a class and notices a few kids are missing.

One boy comes in 5 minutes late. The sub asks "Where have you been?". "I was on top of Cherry Hill" responds the boy. The sub marks him late and the boy takes his seat.

Another boy comes in 5 minutes later. The sub asks "Where have you been?". "I was on top of Cherry Hill" responds the boy. T...

A girl looking for a job

A girl graduated from an engineering university and was looking for a job, but she did not find any opportunity, but one time she met a person, a zoo manager , and he offered her a job with a very good salary, and the job is to dress up as a zebra and stay in the cage for visitors see it because the...

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed
She asked "What's the best way?"
I said "a big knife".
She laughed and said "you're funny".
I said "wise choice".

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A guy went on a date with a beautiful girl

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.When they got there, he asked her...

Getting a hair dryer through customs

A young woman on a flight from England asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"


"Of course, my child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is...

Was seeing a girl who had "I'm a dog person" on their dating profile.

I found it strange that she never introduced me to her dog though so I thought it might have died and never brought it up.

Around our 6 month anniversary she asked if we could spice things up. I said sure.

I was on the bed waiting and she came in on all fours wearing a wolf fursuit a...

I started dating this girl in high school just because we had the same class schedule

What can I say? We had Chemistry together.

A boy asks a girl to prom

A boy asks a girl to prom and she says yes.
He wants to looks nice so he heads to the suit store. As there's a lot of prom goers shopping, there's a long suit line.
The boy waits in the line, buys the suit and and leaves to go rent a car.
As there's a lot of prom goers here as well, there'...

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This Girl at the Bar told me her pussy tasted like Rainbow

Just realised that she meant Trout

The stutterers

A girl is at a bar, and there are three guys next to her jabbering and carrying on and really getting on her nerves. The worst part was, they all had stutters.

So she says to them, "Listen, I came here for a little peace of mind, and I just can't stand listening to you guys any more. Here's a...

"I'm in love with two girls. "

"Edith and Kate. I can't decide which one to marry."


"all I can say is that you can't have your Kate and Edith too."

I like my girls how I like my milk

White, spoiled, and chunky

Did you hear about that guy from Footloose cannibalising that girl from Wendy’s?

Kevin Bacon ate ‘er.

A little girl is playing with Barbie and Thor.

A little girl is playing with Barbie and Thor. An older woman approaches her and asks
"I thought that Barbie came with Ken, not Thor?"

The little girl replies

"Nope. She comes with Thor. She just fakes it with Ken"

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An Irish daughter returns back home..

An Irish daughter returns back home after 5 years. Upon her return her father comes down heavily on her.


"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d w...

A blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains.

She tells the salesman:

"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my
computer screen".

The surprised salesman replies:

"But madam, computers do not have curtains...".

And the blonde said:

"Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!"

My son was just thrown out of school

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

There were two old people in a care home...

There were two old people in a care home, a man and a woman. Every evening, they'd sit down next to each other to watch the telly. They weren't married or anything, they just sat down and watched the telly, while the old gal gave the old man a handjob.

They'd been doing this every day for yea...

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A virgin nutritionist goes on a first date with a handsome guy

After a few glasses of wine, she whispers in his ear "i want to try anal tonight ..i have a feeling that i will really enjoy it"

The Guy couldn't hide his happiness and whispers back "ok sweetheart, we will buy some lube on our way back to my place".

The girl finishes her last sip of t...

Two ladies in a pub in attract the attention of a fellow down the bar with their accents.

Two ladies in a pub in attract the attention of a fellow down the bar with their accents.

"Ah, tourists eh? Do you girls want to hear a joke about Scotland?"

"It's Wales actually."

"Alright. Do you whales want to hear a joke about Scotland?"

I went to a pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table

I said "Nice legs" the girl giggled and smiled and said "Do you really think so?"

I said "yeah definitely, most tables would've collapsed by now"

NOT a dad joke

Dad comes home from work 1 day and his daughter meets him at the door crying. Daddy something is very wrong with Fluffy. Dad asks her to show him. There is Fluffy in the middle of the floor laying on his back stiff as a board. Dad says I'm so sorry muffin but Fluffy has gone to visit God. Muffin ask...

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Puberty story

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grow...

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Wedding night

Sophia had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian girl living under the watchful eye of her mother, she remained a virgin up until she and her husband took their wedding vows…

On their wedding night, the newlyweds stayed at her mother's house, and Sophia was nervous. Her mother...

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talk...

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The tourist and the French girl

An American tourist visited a 5-star hotel in Paris.
As he sat at the bar, enjoying his drink, a red hot French girl in a red dress, came to him and said something in French, which he wasn't able to understand.
Unable to get over her heavenly body mixed with the heady aroma of her French perfu...

What does a girl say when she sees a huge dong?

Oh you don’t know? My condolences.

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

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I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart?

Sally painted her fingernails purple. Bob had a cock.

Stalin is trying to seduce a girl in Soviet Russia

Stalin: Tell me what you want, I will grant you any wish to be with you..

Girl: I want you to open the borders.

Stalin: Aaah, you little tease, so you want us to have some alone time..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Letter from a Polish mother to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home . . we've moved.

About your father . . . he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutti...

A banker, a blacksmith, and a demolitions expert are all on a small plane.

The engine on the plane starts to fail and the pilot says to the three passengers on board
“Throw your least important belongings over the plane so that we can lighten the load on the engine”

The banker decides that his pennies weigh the most and have the least value so he throws all of th...

How do you get a fat girl into bed?

Piece of cake

Three women die and end up at the entrance of heaven.

There, the three women meet the caretaker of heaven. He points out that there is only one rule in Heaven; do not step on the turtles. An odd rule but the women agree with a pinch of confusion. When they enter, the only thing they can see are turtles. Everywhere turtles. A croak croak here, a croak c...

Washing machine (long)

A young (but definitely over 18) Alabama girl is sitting on her front porch, with her skirt hiked all the way up and nothing on underneath. Young (but definitely over 18) Johnny walks by and can't believe what he sees. "Hey, Thelma Lou- what's that you got there?"

Thelma Lou replies- "Well, I...

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl...

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, ...

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If girls with big boobs work at hooters, then where do girls with 1 leg work at?

IHOP

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was walking to the bar...

A guy was walking to the bar and found a girl tied to a railroad tracks on his way to the bar. So he untied her and they like had a lot of sex then got to the bar and he started talking to the guy over like all the different sex positions they fucked and everything and he was like "oh!! that's aweso...

An 80 year old man married an 18 year old girl

He goes to see his doctor to ask advice on starting a family as he wants an heir, as he had been a playboy all his life and never settled down.

The doctor smiles at his request and says best thing is to get a young lodger. He thanks the doc saying yes she could do with some younger company a...

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon.

If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

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