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Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know...

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside
and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing ...

A grandma and her peanut jar.

Everytime I went over to my grandmothers place there was always a full jar of peanuts.

Since I love peanuts, I would always eat a lot of them whenever I was at her house.

One day I finally asked my grandmother why she always had a full jar of peanuts lying around.

Grandma: well...

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've bee...

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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

My Grandma stopped smoking yesterday, its pretty impressive

Since i set her on fire a week ago

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[nsfw] A boy goes to his grandparents house.

Grandpa and the boy are sitting in the den watching tv. The grandpa takes a hit off of his cigar.

Boy: “can I try that grandpa”

Grandpa: “does your dick touch your asshole”

Boy: “no”

Grandpa: “well you can’t try it”

A couple hours go by and grandpa is drinking ...

An old grandma brings the bus driver peanuts every single day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.". 

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

I’m so proud of my grandma. At 90 years old she attended medical school

She’s a cadaver.

I was at a family barbecue yesterday night and my great grandma started giggling.

When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television.

I asked her 7 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either.

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I walked on my grandma sucking my grandpa's dick

Which surprised me because I thought they buried it with him.

Grandma and grandpa lived in a one room house with their kids so had little "private time".

Grandma said if you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my breast once. If you don't want to make love squeeze it twice. Grandpa said OK if you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my privates once. If you don't want to make love squee...

What a lousy year. First my grandma died,

And then for the first time in forty years I didn't get a valentine's card from my secret admirer.

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A grandma decides to end her long prosperous life early by jumping from a bridge

A man approaches while she readies herself to jump.

The man asks: "Excuse me, if you commit suicide, could we have Sex now? I mean you will die soon anyways".

The grandma is shocked and says: "Hell no. What do you think who I am you pervert?"

The starts walking away and tells th...

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I accidentally walked in on my granddad having sex with grandma.

I yelled for him to get dressed and put her back in the urn so we can have a chat.

My grandma got her foot amputated because of diabetes. Seeing her like this reminds me that no one can escape old age.

especially if you have one leg.

I thought of writing a letter to my Grandma to tell her that I’m quitting University to pursue a career in Magic

But and just couldn’t pick up the Penn and Teller.

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Knock Knock

"Who is there?"

"Grandma!"

"Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"

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Grandpa snoops in the medicine cabinet and

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the bathroom medicine cabinet, he asked his son about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10. a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," sa...

My grandma has tremors and it’s really hard to watch

Because it’s on vhs and I have a blu-ray

Shout out to my grandma

that's the only way she can hear.

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Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

Got funky with your Grandma last night

You'd think the hardest part of it would be sticking it in the urn, but washing the ashes off was far worse.

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Do you know what we call the hair between grandma’s boobs?

*her vagina!*

A kid gets out of his bed at night as he can't sleep...

He walks into his parents room and see's them going at it. Visibly shocked, he asks whats going on. His Dad just laughs and says “go back to your room I'll come and talk to you in 20 mins”.

20 mins later his Dad walks into his room and see's the young lad banging his grandma. The kid looks ...

Boy Joe's grandma's funeral sure was hard she looked so graceful and peaceful in that casket

It was all I could do to hide my mourning wood.

Soldier's letter to his grandma

A letter arrives with a hand grenade in it,it says: Granny, pull this pin so I can get two weeks leave,love you.

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My 84 year old grandma tells her doctor that she has a problem. She says "Every morning i have a massive piss at 7 and a massive crap at 8!" The doctor says "That is very healthy for a woman of your age....What is the problem?"

She says "I don't wake up til 9!"

My Grandma decided to start jogging for her health.

It's been almost 2 years now and nobody knows where she is.

My great-grandma told me this joke as a kid and it is by far my favorite kid-friendly joke of all time (I’m also aware of just how corny it is and I don’t care)

There was a country called Raberia, and all the people there were called Rabbis. There was this one Rabbi who wanted to go mountain climbing in this other country called Trideria, and all the people there were called Trids. So he hired two Trids to take him up the mountain and away they go. After a ...

Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home...

... when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, 'Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can guess my age!’
One of the Grandmas said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.'<...

My grandma died because the report said she had a type-A blood

Unfortunatly it was a type-O

My grandma talking to my mom about her new hearing aid,”its the most expensive one you can buy it,it cost me $5000.” My Mum: ”what kind is it?”

My grandma : “its 4:15 pm darling..”

What do they call a grandma who’s quick to respond?

...an InstaGram.

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My grandma told me this one

An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The J...

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I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

My grandma asked for a comedian rather than a priest on her deathbed

Given she's currently on her death bed, please share your finest jokes I can send her off with.

Thanks r/jokes

Grandma, why does so many people in our family die suddenly?

Grandma, grandma?!!

My grandma always said, “Slow and steady wins the race.”

Lovely woman. Unfortunately she died in a fire.

One day, grandpa is taking care of his grandson...

Sitting on the porch, he's watching him picking up worms and trying to put them back in their holes on the dirt.

-That won't work, son. They're too soft and too slimy to be inserted like that.

-Wanna bet, grandpa?

-I'm telling you, it won't work.

-How about $10?

Se...

My grandma died 6 days before my birthday

Which of course made me extremely upset when my my birthday came around, because I had nothing to wish for.

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My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.

The dentist shit himself, though.

YO GRANDMA SO OLD...

That you should please spend time with her. She's gonna live for a few more years and you want to at least say goodbye to her on her final year.





But anyways, THANOS THOUGHT SHE WAS ALREADY DEAD.

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So I had this conversation with my grandma

(this is a true story)

I was playing with my grandmother's dog but my grandma wanted me to take it for a walk to go pee. I told her wait 5 minutes and she said "Well don't pick her up or she will pee all over you and then you'll be mad."

I said "You might even say I'd be pissed."

What's the worst part of going down on grandma?





Hitting your head on the casket lid,

Me: Grandma are you on LSD?!

Grandma: Forget the Drugs! Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

"Mom, I don't like grandma..."

"Shut up and eat what's on your plate!"

Grandma and Grandpa are trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, has died.

“You know,” Grandma said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.” Susie stops crying and asks, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy.

She urned it.

"What did grandpa and grandma do for fun back in the day?"

i don't know why but this question was never answered by anyone from my 17 aunts and uncles.

My late grandma was a great mathematician...

She even sent me a sine from beyond.

(Grandma told me this one) why did the teach put a clock on the floor of her desk?

Because she wanted to work overtime

Grandma is buying a fishing rod

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about...

Why did the cannibal eat his grandma?

Because she said,"Eat your vegetables."

I got a text from my wife saying "Grandma is keeping the baby tonight, you wanna smash as soon as you get home?"

Never before have I been disappointed to come home and find my wife naked and wearing high heels.

2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom

Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.



Arlene: What the hell is that?

Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don'...

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

My grandma changed her hair colour while taking a nap...

She dyed peacefully in her sleep

After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails.

She’s hidden his teeth.

My grandma died at the age of 91 not knowing how to drive

Apparently

Shortly before he died, my grandma covered my grandads back with lard...

...after that he went downhill fast

After 72 years since not completing her college course, my Grandma finally went back and earned her very first diploma...

...I asked her what will she be wearing for her graduation ceremony and she said depends.

One from my Grandma.

During our last family reunion, my aunts, uncle, and my mom were sitting around, making conversation and telling jokes. My uncle asked my grandma (95 yrs old) if she had any jokes.
G’ma: “I had six of them.”
Referring to her six children. You’ve still got it, Gram.

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A boy comes home and finds his grandma in the living room, sitting down. He asks her "hey, grandma...have you seen my pills? they say LSD on them.”

The grandma looks at the boy and says "fuck that, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?"

You know what the worst part of Grandma's dementia was?

When she forgot about Dre.

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My grandma is divorcing my granddad because he spent their entire life savings on a penis enlargement procedure.

She couldn’t take it any longer.

Our family couldn’t decide whether to have Grandma buried or cremated...

So in the end we just let her live.

Grandma has been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

What did 50 Cent say to his grandma when gave him a sweater for Christmas?

Gee! You knit?

A young man's grandma finds his condoms

She has never seen one before, and after opening the pack, carries it to him and asks "It said 'condom' on the wrapper. What's this for?"

The man is naturally a little embarrassed about the situation, and thinking quickly replies "Oh, they keep my cigarettes dry when it rains!"

Thinki...

I have convinced my grandma that the baby boomers are as dependent on technology as us.

When she said " you millenials are so addicted to technology" I quickly glanced at her life support. That was the last time she said it.

Grandma, I heard a vegan moved next door to you

Has it affected your life anyhow?

- Well, just to be clear, I want to let you know that I'm a grandma. But no, I don't think it has affected me. By the way, did I tell you I'm a grandma

My grandma decided to start walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try to keep fit

She's 70 now and I have no goddamn idea about where she is.

A old grandma is watching the news

Suddenly, a story comes on saying there is somebody driving the wrong way down the highway. That's the same way her husband drives to work every day. Nervous, she calls him to warn him and make sure he's okay.
"Honey, I want you to be careful driving to work. There's somebody driving the wrong wa...

A little boy goes to his grandma and asks:

"Granny is mom going to heaven?"

Grandmother:"Why would you think that?"

Little Boy:"I heard her screaming, "Oh god I'm coming!", last night."

I’m planning to throw a rock at my grandma with dementia

She won’t know what hit her

Recently my Grandma has been coming up to me at weddings and saying “Soon it will be your turn!”

She didn’t appreciate it when I started saying the same thing to her at funerals

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Can your dick touch your asshole?

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole ?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough t...

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn'...

One day 2 kids were walking in the park with their grandmother.

And every day, the kids would say, "Grandma we want to ride in that helicopter".

Grandma always replied, "I know kids, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One day Grandma and the kids went to the park, and the kids said, "Grandma, you're 85 years ol...

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A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet?

I mean, didn't they get bored?

I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.

I would prefer to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandma,

not screaming in terror like her passengers.

My grandma was complaining that her joints were getting weaker every day, but I’m glad that she’s doing much better.

She just started rolling them tighter.

Mommy! I don’t want to sleep with grandma anymore

Honey I already told you we don’t have enough money to bury her.

Grandma Sent a Letter to her Friends

Dearest Ones:
 
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker an...

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The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the e...

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce

You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?

"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.

"So mama bear?" asks the Judge....

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I’m worried my grandma has Alzheimer’s

She keeps calling me Dave when my name is Bill
&nbsp;
It’s either that or she’s thinking about someone else when we are having sex.

Do you know what my grandma would say if she was here right now?

BBBBRRRRAAAAIIIINNNNNSSSS



(My grandmas dead and I never get tired of cracking this joke)

A grandma is bragging to her daughter about new hearing aid that cost her $2000

The daughter asks "What kind is it?"

"It's 5:45 dear"

Before she died, my mom told me she wanted to be buried with my grandma.

I feel really sad about having to kill grandma now.

My grandma used to love reading Mark Twain books to me

It combined her two favorite things: spending time with her grandson and using the n-word.

What did Rihanna say to her grandma when she found out she had dementia?

"Oh nana, what's my name?"

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Grandmas Tattoo

I was waiting on a table of a big family. 7 of them, three kids, mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa. Grandma was your typical OLD OLD OLD grandma. In a wheelchair with a blanket over her legs, looked like one of those apple dolls, spoke in a whisper.

She sees my tattoos, grabs me with her b...

I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....

We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

What do you call a grandma drag queen from Massachusetts?

A Nantucket.

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An incredibly wealthy genius loves riddles.

Bored with being smarter than anyone he meets the man decides to offer his fortune to anyone who is able to stump him with a question or riddle. Thousands of people come to try and trick the man and without effort he answers every riddle and piece of trivia he is challenged with.
Finally an old...

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