Little Karl was with his grandma in a supermarket

Little Karl yelled to his grandma: Granny, I need to pee!

Grandma replied: We are in a public place, don't say you need to pee, say something nice, say you need to sing.

Later, when grandma was sleeping, Little Karl went to grandmas room and woke her: Granny, I need to sing!

Gr...

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...

An old grandma brings a bus driver

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.


First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".


The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore....

My grandma had cataract surgery on both eyes

I was on the phone with my grandpa asking how she was feeling.

Gpa: She’s recovering really well, she can see much clearer. She’s pretty happy with the results.

Me: That’s good, no side effects?

Gpa: There is one troubling side effect

Me: What? Is she okay?

Gp...

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Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for the diarrhea but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depress...

Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?"

"It's Alzheimer, grandma".

While visiting the old folks home, little Charlie asks his grandmother, "Grandma, what is 'dark humor'?"

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."

Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"

His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"

Char...

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An 80 year old grandma wants to join an outlaw biker gang

The gang leader says "Well, do you have a bike?"

"Sure! I just bought a new Harley!"

"Are you ok with drugs?"

"I should hope so, I take 20 pills a day!"

"Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No, but I got swung around by the tits once!"

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where’s mom and dad?"

She replied, "They're up in bed," so the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma the same question. She replied with the same answer and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play....

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My grandma walked in on me masturbating.

She nearly had a stroke.

Two brothers went to their grandma's for Christmas...

The younger opened up his gift and was delighted to find a nice scarf his grandma had knitted for him.

The older found a card with his name on it. Inside it read "Merry Christmas, Love Grandma"

Later that night the older brother complained to his brother, "Why does grandma love you so ...

At the age of 65, my Grandma started walking 5 miles a day.

She's 92 now. We have no idea where she is.

My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain tha...

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Grandma joke

3 teenagers are walking in their neighbourhood, when they come across a house with an red apple tree in the garden.

The 3 go over the fence and steal some apples to eat.

While they are eating the apples, the grandma sees them and shouts:“Hey don’t steal my apples you little shits”
<...

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My grandma told me this one

An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The J...

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

Grandma and the Bible.

Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.



“Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.



“I’m not sure,” said his friend, “b...

I’ll never forget my Grandma’s final words :

“What are you doing in here with that hammer?”

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Like grandma always says: if you want sympathy...

You can always find it in the dictionary between syphilis and shit.

My grandma died surrounded by her family

She took a couple of us down with her but we got her ass

Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.

If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.

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Pregnant woman got shot 3 times

A pregnant woman with triples got shot in the stomach 3 times as an innocent bystander.
She went to the hospital and they examined and said luckily No surgery is needed and bullets will come out naturally.

She goes on to have 3 healthy boys. After many years go by one day one of her sons...

An old couple are celebrating 75 years of marriage

At the party one of the grandkids asks the Grandma what is the secret to such a long happy marriage as they never seed to argue or disagree about anything. The grandma tells them a story of when they first got married.

"It was our wedding day and we were very poor so we were heading to our h...

Grandma, you are 105 years old, what's the secret for such a long life?

"I don't have enough money for burial services."

Grandma Sofia really likes Skype.

« It’s such a wonderful invention! We get to have guests, but we don’t need to feed them! »

My grandma just walked into my room with a young barista wearing thick rimmed glasses.

I said, “Who is that?”

Grandma: That’s my hip replacement.

When I was younger I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma!

Unfortunately, no one at the funeral was impressed

A Joke My Grandma Told Me

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Be...

My grandma told me this one

A butcher goes to a barber for a haircut. When it’s time to pay, the barber declines, saying “I’m feeling generous today, you don’t need to pay for this one”

The next morning someone knocks on the barber’s door. When he opens, it turns out to be the butcher, carrying some sausages and other m...

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The dirtiest joke my Grandma ever told me.

A mother puts her two sons to bed, before they fall asleep.

The older brother tells his little brother, "I think it's time we started cussing."

The younger brother asks, "Well what are you going to say?"

The older brother responds, "I'll say, Hell."

The younger brother sa...

My grandma hates her new stairlift...

She says it drives her up the wall.

3 boys were having a debate who had the healthiest grandma

Boy 1: I have the healthiest grandma. She is 67 years old and can still do a backflip!
Boy 2: No I have the healthiest grandma. She is 76 years old and can still finish a marathon!
Boy 3: I have the healthiest grandma. She is 85 and she is in the hospital...
Boy 1 and 2 looking confused
...

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.

My daughter has the most beautiful falsetto voice, just like her grandma did.

Now all what grandma's got is a falsetto teeth.

I'd like to tell you a joke my grandma told me about telling jokes

But I never meta

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A dad overhears his daughter...

One day, a dad overheard his daughter praying in her room. She said "bless mom, bless dad, bless grandmom, goodbye grandad". He found this weird but didn't say anything. A few hours later the family finds out that her grandad had passed away. The dad freaked out initially, but chalked it up to coinc...

I told my Grandma to act her age

She died

As a home appliance salesman, a customer once told me, "I thought my grandma was crazy when she talked to her fridge. Maybe she was just ahead of her time!"

He was looking at our Samsung fridge with an Android screen.

This was 4 years ago when I worked at Sears (RIP) but I still think about it sometimes and laugh.

A grandma asks her grandson if he'd like to go shopping with her.

The grandson responds "Not now, Grandma, I'm watching a soccer game!"


"Oh, really? Who's playing?"


"Czechs on Slovakia!"


"Against who?"

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Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

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My Grandma sat me on the porch one day.

I was 11 years old.

She sings
"Ree Ree hit him in the knee, Rass Rass....
Hit him in the other knee"

11 year old me rofl'd

What did Santa say after seeing my Grandma, Mom and Sister?

Hoe Hoe Hoe

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At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breasts

We were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees

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Dirty Grandma

Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked:

“Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to a...

Shoutout to my grandma

that's the only way she can hear

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Lawyers should never ask a Virginia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big d...

"Daddy, I don't want to see grandma!"

"Shut up and keep digging!"

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

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2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom

Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.



Arlene: What the hell is that?

Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don'...

My grandma is still hot.

We just got her back from the crematory.

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"Grandma, have you seen my LSD?"

Grandma replies "Fuck the LSD, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

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My grandma told me this joke.

An older gentlemen with some money in his pocket was heading down an old country dirt road with peddlers and wares dealers every few miles.

He runs across a man with several of the biggest roosters he's ever seen, at a price even better. He has to have one, so he says "Sir! Sir! I must have o...

My grandma was quite the athlete

She had trophies for all sorts of things. Her most prized was a limbo trophy she won in Hawaii. When she passed my brother wanted it. I said no and he stole it. How much lower can you go?

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How do you make a little old lady yell "fuck"?

Put another little old lady next to her and have her yell BINGO!

rip Grandma, one of your favorites

"hey grandma, it smells like death in here"

"...grandma?"

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What do you call the hair between your grandma's tits?

Her pussy!

My dad returned from my grandmas house as a ghost

Dad: Christianity is real, and i'm the new god!

Me: wait, why are you dead?

Dad: some redneck blasted me with his shotgun on my way home!

Me: and how are you the new god?

Dad: i'm a father, son, and a holey spirit

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Speed demon Grandma

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually join...

A little boy...

.... and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.

It's too wiggly and limp ...

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A boy needed to piss

A young boy tells his mother, "Mom! I need to piss!"

The mother didn't like her boy's use of language and responded, "Don't say that. Say you want to sing instead."

The next day the boy is visiting a family party along with his grandma, when the boy's mom and dad go to dance he tells h...

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

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(LONG) An Elderly man and his Grandson go fishing

If you've ever been fishing, you know there's a lot of waiting. To pass the time, the Elderly man pulls out a cigarette and starts smoking. Seeing this, the boy asks "Hey grandpa! That looks super cool! Can I try?"

Not wanting the kid to start smoking, he says "well that depends... can your ...

My grandma: You can be anything you set your mind to!

Me: I know.
Grandma: You can even be a know-it-all.
Me: I know.

(This is actually a family story, something I actually said when I was little. Thought it may make a funny joke/story here, too.)

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

What do you tell a grandma who's joints are getting weaker?

Tell her to roll them tighter!

Great grandma calling her shot

My great grandmother was notorious for kind of edgy but hilarious jokes.. she also lived to 103 and 50 weeks.

At her funeral her daughter told my brother and I about the last time she saw her. She said she was getting everything together to leave and had told her mother goodbye and that she’...

I unplugged my grandma's life support

The moment was really breathtaking.

“Hey Grandma, how was your doctors appointment?”

“I think the doctor was flirting with me. He told me I have acute angina!”

My grandma had dementia in her later years and would tell me this joke every time I saw her: When your appendix is removed it’s called an appendectomy. When your uterus is removed it’s called a hysterectomy. What’s it called when you have a growth removed from your head?

A haircut. (And she’d laugh every time! I miss her terribly.)

A coke addict accidentally snorts his grandma's ashes; how much of it did he snort?

About half a gran.

Grandma said I she’d knit whatever I want if I pick the yarn...

So I bought her some steel wool and asked her to knit me a car

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What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts this will be one hell of a blow job!

(My brother and I heard this in the school yard when we were 9&6 respectively. That night he told it at the dinner table when my grandma was over!)

What did grandma say to the old fountain?

You aged well!

Punctuation saves lives.

For example, there is a big difference in:

Let’s eat Grandma!

and

Let’s eat punctuation!

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Good Italian Girls

A young Italian-American girl was going on a date.....

Her Nonna said: "Sita here ana letame tella you about those-a younga boys.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat ... but don't let him do that.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea d...

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Oranges sound excruciating

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and Lulu was among them:
The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes lined up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu"s grandma came by and saw her grandaughter.
Grandma asked. "Why are you standing i...

My grandma had a scare when she felt a lump under her breast

Turns out it was just her knee cap

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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

What do you call a grandma sheep?

Banana

if a woman is a grandma and her last name is Smith

does that make her a Granny Smith?

Little John is walking at the mall with his grandma.

He sees a coin of 1 euro. He asks his grandma: can I pick that up?
His grandma answers: no, no, everything that’s on the ground is dirty.

They walk further and he sees a note of 5 euro. He asks his grandma: can I pick that up?
His grandma answers: no, no, everything that’s on the gro...

A grandma is shopping with her grandson

A grandma is shopping with her grandson.

The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: DEGREE, put the toy back"!

A woman who was shopping heard this and asked, "Is that his name?" The grandma replied "Yes! I sent his mother to university and this is what she brought back !"

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I...

Grandma took my weed

so I took her wheelchair neither of us rolling.

"Grandpa, tell us that story again about grandma's pearl necklace."

"Really? That old chestnut?

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We discovered my grandfather is addicted to Viagra

No one is taking it harder than grandma

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My grandma always said...

Growing up, my grandma always said: "a penis ate is a penny earned". She was a wise woman, but I'm starting to think that her rates were kind of low.

A man and his grandson are playing on the front lawn

His grandson sees a worm crawling against the wooden fence and then turns to his grandpa.

"I bet you $5 that I can make that worm fit through a straw"

The grandpa, confused, responds
"I'll take that bet, no way you can fit a worm throw a straw. It's way too limp"

The grandson...

My grandma always told me « anything you do, should be done one leg after another »,

she never wanted to admit she just suck at hopscotch.

My dad only eats Eggs Benedict at Christmas, and only when we visit Grandma and Grandpa.

He says there's no place like home for the hollandaise.

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So I was going down on my grandma the other day...

And I couldn’t help but notice the distinct taste of horse semen. Then I thought to myself....”maybe that’s how she died”

My Grandma tried to not show favourites

But her will was a dead giveaway

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I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

Whenever I was at a wedding my grandma always used to say "Your next!"

She wasn't happy when I said the same thing at her friend's funeral

My grandma's advice

My grandma always used to say " don't laugh at anybody, you might end up like them too".

From that day forth I started laughing at bill gates

Sent my Grandma a fruit basket with a message.

I guess you could call it a Nanagram

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This little old Jewish grandma took her precious grandson Michael to the beach. A a giant wave rolled up and washed little Michael into the sea.

Grandma falls to her knees, clasps her hands and looks up to the heavens and screams to God, "Lord, bring back my grandson and I'll be the best person in the world. I'll sell my stocks and give the money to the poor, I'll never say an angry word again. I will keep the Sabbath and pay all my employee...

When I was bar tending I would tell people this was the worst joke they’ll ever hear that will still make them laugh. I always just called it. “Grandma”

A boy comes home from school one day skipping football practice cuz he isn’t feeling well.
When he gets home he grabs a snack and sits down to watch some TV.
During the show he hears some noises coming from his parents room.
His parents not being home at that time normally he walks down ...

"Grandma, if you can hear us, show us a sign"

until 2019 : Spiritism session.

2020 : Skype call session.

My friend’s grandma had two ovens and stored bread in one of them...

One day she preheated the wrong one

All the bread was toast

I'm worried that my grandma is starting to lolse her marbles. Yesterday when I went to visit she'd been marking herself all over with her bingo pen.

She's completely dotty.

My grandma said that she quit smoking weed

Me: Why?

Grandma: My Cholesterol is getting too high

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My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.

The dentist shit himself, though.

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Little Johnny and Grandma

Little Johnny is sitting on the couch watching TV next to his elderly grandmother. After a few minutes of sitting down he looks over and realizes that his grandma fell asleep but before she did, she pulled her nightgown up over her head so that everything below her neck is hanging out.

Littl...

[NSFW] What's the worst part about going down on your grandma?

Banging your head on the lid of the coffin

I recently took my grandma to a fish spa...

It was easier than burying her or getting her cremated.

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

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The funniest thing my grandpa ever said

I was visiting my grandparents a couple years back and my grandma brought up that the PA at the local clinic, an attractive 30-something year-old woman, was moving out of town. My grandpa piped up with "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her. Do you know how hard it is for a man my age to get a 33 year old woma...

Grandma: What's the German guy who's hiding my medicine called?

Grandson: Alzheimer's, Grandma, alzhemier's.

How do you get nine grandmas to swear?

Make the tenth one shout "bingo!"

A child goes on a walk with his grandma

He sees 100$ laying in the ground. When he wants to pick them up, his grandma says: "Don't pick that up, things laying on the ground are dirty and bad."
Suddenly the grandma trips over and falls. She asks her grandson: "Can you help me up? I can't get up!"
The grandson says: "I won't help you...

My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks straight from the bottle.

So I think i found a new favorite Resturaunt:

I stopped by this place after work called "Sunny Hills" and I gotta say, it ain't that bad.

The menu seems to be all soft easily malleable food. But who doesn't love Custard?

The place is full of senior citizens with nary a person under 50 on site, well the waitresses seem to be arou...

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

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Grandpa gets served.

Little Tommy sat on the porch with his grandpa while visiting last Summer. Grandpa tells Tommy to fetch him another beer from the ice chest Tommy was sitting on. Tommy hands over the beer and asks "May I have a beer too grandpa?" Grandpa looks Tommy up and down and replies " IDK son, can you dick re...

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A group of guys walk into a new bar for the first time. The barkeep asks what they will be having tonight. [L]

The first guy orders a whiskey coke. The bartender without hesitation hands the man a chilled apple. The man confused by this asks why he is getting the apple. The bartender insists that he takes a bite out of it.

The man chomps into it and exclaims, “Wow! This tastes just like my favorite wh...

Celebrate, it's national punctuation day! Let's eat, Grandma

Let's eat Grandma.

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn'...

I was at a family barbecue yesterday night and my great grandma started giggling.

When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad.

It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.

How do you make your grandma lose 2 kg ?

You empty the urn



EDIT : yeeeeess

What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?

Outlaws are wanted.

This was told to me by my girlfriend’s grandma.

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The difference between "Let's eat out, Grandma!" and "Let's eat out Grandma!" is a comma. Don't let unnecessary punctuation rob Grandma of a potentially fulfilling sexual experience....

There should be a 3% syntax on jokes like these.

My Grandma laughed when I told her to stay six feet away from me.

Now the closet we'll ever be is six feet

What do you call a rich Korean grandma?

Hal-money

Sand Castle with Grandma

Today, I made sand castles with my grandma, but for some reason, everybody freaked out and called the cops on me.



Next time, I'll do it away from the cremation center.

Smart blonde, honest politican and grandma are walking into a bar

Who orders beer?



Grandma because other characters are fictional!

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

I was looking through my late Grandfather’s things and found an old poem he’d written for my Grandma. It read:

Roses are red, Violets are blue
I’ve got Alzheimer’s, cheese on toast.

I put my grandma on speed dial.

I call that instagram.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took my grandma to the doctors the other day and he said to her that you have acute angina and she replied...

Wait til you see my tits.

I once saw my grandma get mugged

And $20 is all she gave me

What's the difference between my phone and my grandma?

When my phone died I pluged it in. When my grandma died I unplugged her.

I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television.

I asked her 7 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either.

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

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