Little Karl was with his grandma in a supermarket

Little Karl yelled to his grandma: Granny, I need to pee!

Grandma replied: We are in a public place, don't say you need to pee, say something nice, say you need to sing.

Later, when grandma was sleeping, Little Karl went to grandmas room and woke her: Granny, I need to sing!

Gr...

At the age of 65, my Grandma started walking 5 miles a day.

She's 92 now. We have no idea where she is.

An old grandma brings a bus driver

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.


First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".


The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore....

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...

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The little red riding hood was walking through the forest going to grandma's house

In the midle of the forest, she saw a big shadow behind a tree, she went to see who's there, only to find the wolf.

She asked: Are you the wolf?

He stared at her and answered darkly: Yes i am..

She screamed so hard and ran away as fast as she can till she got tired. After a whil...

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Grandma in Court

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?

**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**

**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my fr...

My girlfriend’s grandma passed away and she needed comfort, so she hugged me. But then i got an erection.

“Babe? Wtf?”

“Sorry babe, its just mourning wood”

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So I was going down on my grandma the other day...

And I couldn’t help but notice the distinct taste of horse semen. Then I thought to myself....”maybe that’s how she died”

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Grandma joke

3 teenagers are walking in their neighbourhood, when they come across a house with an red apple tree in the garden.

The 3 go over the fence and steal some apples to eat.

While they are eating the apples, the grandma sees them and shouts:“Hey don’t steal my apples you little shits”
<...

My grandma is still hot.

We just got her back from the crematory.

My grandma took my ecstasy, so I took her wheelchair.

Now neither of us are rolling.

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A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know

. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not...

My friend’s grandma had two ovens and stored bread in one of them...

One day she preheated the wrong one

All the bread was toast

My grandma had cataract surgery on both eyes

I was on the phone with my grandpa asking how she was feeling.

Gpa: She’s recovering really well, she can see much clearer. She’s pretty happy with the results.

Me: That’s good, no side effects?

Gpa: There is one troubling side effect

Me: What? Is she okay?

Gp...

Grandma found a lump under her left breast but the Dr said it's ok.

It was just her kneecap.

"Grandpa, tell us that story again about grandma's pearl necklace."

"Really? That old chestnut?

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Lawyers should never ask a Virginia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big d...

Whenever I was at a wedding my grandma always used to say "Your next!"

She wasn't happy when I said the same thing at her friend's funeral

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I have some funny jokes to tell about your Grandma’s saggy tits

They’re real knee slappers

A Joke My Grandma Told Me

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Be...

"Daddy, I don't want to see grandma!"

"Shut up and keep digging!"

My grandma had dementia in her later years and would tell me this joke every time I saw her: When your appendix is removed it’s called an appendectomy. When your uterus is removed it’s called a hysterectomy. What’s it called when you have a growth removed from your head?

A haircut. (And she’d laugh every time! I miss her terribly.)

My grandma's advice

My grandma always used to say " don't laugh at anybody, you might end up like them too".

From that day forth I started laughing at bill gates

Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.

If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.

I unplugged my grandma's life support

The moment was really breathtaking.

I recently took my grandma to a fish spa...

It was easier than burying her or getting her cremated.

Sand Castle with Grandma

Today, I made sand castles with my grandma, but for some reason, everybody freaked out and called the cops on me.



Next time, I'll do it away from the cremation center.

When I was bar tending I would tell people this was the worst joke they’ll ever hear that will still make them laugh. I always just called it. “Grandma”

A boy comes home from school one day skipping football practice cuz he isn’t feeling well.
When he gets home he grabs a snack and sits down to watch some TV.
During the show he hears some noises coming from his parents room.
His parents not being home at that time normally he walks down ...

[NSFW] What's the worst part about going down on your grandma?

Banging your head on the lid of the coffin

My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain tha...

A child goes on a walk with his grandma

He sees 100$ laying in the ground. When he wants to pick them up, his grandma says: "Don't pick that up, things laying on the ground are dirty and bad."
Suddenly the grandma trips over and falls. She asks her grandson: "Can you help me up? I can't get up!"
The grandson says: "I won't help you...

Took grandma to a spa where they have fish eat your dead skin

It was cheaper than paying for a funeral.

A grandma is shopping with her grandson

A grandma is shopping with her grandson.

The grandson picks up a toy and the grandma shouts: DEGREE, put the toy back"!

A woman who was shopping heard this and asked, "Is that his name?" The grandma replied "Yes! I sent his mother to university and this is what she brought back !"

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Little Johnny and Grandma

Little Johnny is sitting on the couch watching TV next to his elderly grandmother. After a few minutes of sitting down he looks over and realizes that his grandma fell asleep but before she did, she pulled her nightgown up over her head so that everything below her neck is hanging out.

Littl...

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My grandma told me this one

An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The J...

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

My grandma said that she quit smoking weed

Me: Why?

Grandma: My Cholesterol is getting too high

Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?"

"It's Alzheimer, grandma".

Celebrate, it's national punctuation day! Let's eat, Grandma

Let's eat Grandma.

Grandpa: "Right before grandma died, she came-to -- after months in prolonged medically-controlled unconsciousness -- just to add something to a list." Me: "Wow. Did she love lists?"

"No, she was just wanted to finish with an Oxford coma."

How do you get nine grandmas to swear?

Make the tenth one shout "bingo!"

Grandma: What's the German guy who's hiding my medicine called?

Grandson: Alzheimer's, Grandma, alzhemier's.

I was looking through my late Grandfather’s things and found an old poem he’d written for my Grandma. It read:

Roses are red, Violets are blue
I’ve got Alzheimer’s, cheese on toast.

What do you call a rich Korean grandma?

Hal-money

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The difference between "Let's eat out, Grandma!" and "Let's eat out Grandma!" is a comma. Don't let unnecessary punctuation rob Grandma of a potentially fulfilling sexual experience....

There should be a 3% syntax on jokes like these.

I once saw my grandma get mugged

And $20 is all she gave me

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What's the difference between standing on top of Mount Everest and getting a blowjob from a 90 year old grandma?

There is none.

In both cases you're enjoying but you must not look down.

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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

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I took my grandma to the doctors the other day and he said to her that you have acute angina and she replied...

Wait til you see my tits.

‌‌Our w‌‌hole f‌‌amily i‌‌s r‌‌eally w‌‌orried a‌‌bout m‌‌y g‌‌randfather’s V‌‌iagra a‌‌ddiction.

Grandma i‌‌s t‌‌aking i‌‌t p‌‌articularly h‌‌ard.

I was messing around at my great grandma's 100th birthday Party

So she asked me to act my age. I replied with "you should also act your age".

This is the story of how my Great Grandma's Birthday Party turned into her funeral.

Grandma made a bet with John that if he didn’t eat 25 dumplings, he would clean the apartment

John eats the 24th dumpling, but the 25th is not in the plate ... That's all you need to know about drafting contracts.

My grandma always asks me when I will stop saying "nice" everytime she enters my room

I just tell her
"I'll stop when you turn 70 next year"

"mom i don't want to sleep with grandma anymore"

"but honey you know we don't have enough money to bury her"

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

How do you make your grandma lose 2 kg ?

You empty the urn



EDIT : yeeeeess

When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma

Unfortunately, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation...

My grandma was recently beaten to death by my grandad.

It wasn't with a club or his fists - he just died first.

I put some instant ramen on my grandma today...

I call it Instagram.

I hadn't seen my grandma for a long time, she looked so different from the last time I'd seen her. She told me that she had become a vegan for a few months now.

She had changed so much since she became a vegan. It was like I'd never seen herbivore.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed.

The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandad.” The father says, “Goodbye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to questio...

I put my grandma on speed dial the other day.

I call it insta-gram.

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a five your old and his grandfather on a porch

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to hav...

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I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

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Grandma and Grandpa were staying over at their kids house.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I ...

My grandma once said to me...

"Come here Sonny"

I said, "Why?"

She said, "Just get over here."

"I went over to her and she said,"Here's $5 and don't tell your mother I gave it to you."

I told her,"Its going to cost you more than that."

A man was relaxing on a beach shore.

Here’s a Punjabi joke my grandma likes to tell to everyone she meets, hope it translates well

An Indian man was relaxing on a beach shore in America, when someone walked by and asked “Hey, you relaxing?” The man, not knowing what relaxing meant, replied “No, I am Jagdeep Singh.” After an hour...

Smart blonde, honest politican and grandma are walking into a bar

Who orders beer?



Grandma because other characters are fictional!

What's the difference between my phone and my grandma?

When my phone died I pluged it in. When my grandma died I unplugged her.

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A grandson sees his grandpas drinking a beer and asks “grandpa can I have some of that” grandpa replies

“Can your dick touch your ass?”

“Well no not yet” says the grandson

“Ask again when it can” the grandpas says!
Later that day the young boy sees his grandpas smoking a cig
“hey grandpa can I smoke some of that” he asks

The grandpas asks him “can your dick touch your ass y...

My Grandma laughed when I told her to stay six feet away from me.

Now the closet we'll ever be is six feet

My grandma called me yesterday

I guess you can say my boomerang

Seeking jokes for my grandmother who has dementia

My 90 year old grandma is in an assisted living home due to her dementia. She has been feeling isolated (no visits due to Covid).

I have decided to start calling her everyday with a "Joke Of The Day" but I need your help with grandma friendly jokes.

All submissions are greatly appr...

My Grandma and Grandad beat the Coronavirus....

My grandma died last year in January and my grandad died 4 years ago.

Cakeday Joke, a day late...

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."...

I want to pass away peacefully, in my sleep, like grandma

Not screaming and crying like the passengers in her car

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2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom

Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.



Arlene: What the hell is that?

Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don'...

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in the rocking chair with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he asked.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sit...

My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks straight from the bottle.

Just found out my grandma has been infected

I knew I should have used protection!

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn'...

My family and I put my grandma in a retirement home

Because we didn't know what to do with her body

I was at a family barbecue yesterday night and my great grandma started giggling.

When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

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Another toilet paper run. Hoarders fighting in the store. I’ve finally had enough. I’ve been buying dryer sheets...

My butt smells like lavender, there’s no more static electricity,...

And my old ass, for the first time in many years is wrinkle free!



(Credit Gail Thomas, Grandma’s Funnies)

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Zoom Thanksgiving

Our potluck is going to hit everyone a little different this year. My dad will finally have the whole turkey to himself. Aunt Mary will be wasted all day since she agreed to get the keg. Grandma might go into a diabetic coma since she only makes desserts. And I hope Uncle Larry starves to death sinc...

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It’s Thanksgiving Day!

Little Johnny was so excited because family is coming over to celebrate but mom in dad were in their bedroom arguing.
Dad yells “you bitch!
Mom yells back “you bastard!” And stomps downstairs to the kitchen.

Johnny goes into their bedroom afterwards and asks, “Daddy, what does ‘bitch ...

What starts with M, ends in DMA, and was an exciting surprise at the party?

My Grandma

Did you know Rihanna wrote a song about her grandma having Alzheimer's?

It goes: "oh Nana, what's my name?"

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My whole family is struggling as we just discovered Grandpa is addicted to Viagra.

No one is taking it harder than Grandma though.

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The Three Challenges

**TL;DR:** Jokes don't have TL;DRs.

A man named Andrew walks into a bar, makes his way to the stool and asks the bartender for some Whiskey, on the rocks.

As the bartender serves Andrew his order, his eyes fall on a relatively large jar of money filled with $100 bills. He gets curious...

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I remember running from a fight in the 5th grade. My grandma said "either you fight him, or you fight me"

I whoopped her ass that day.

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Supposedly common Iranian joke my grandma told me

How do you piss off the French? Show them how to cook

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

This ones from my late grandma.

How do you make a hormone?

Forget to pay her!

Grandma fought hard to be cremated.

She urned it.

Dont you hate it when your driving along smoking

and you flick you cigarette out the window, a few miles on you smell something funny and sure enough, grandma is fingering herself again

Grandma asks her grandson

“Hey sweetie, what’s the name of that German guy that goes around my house hiding my stuff?”
“Alzheimer grandma, Alzheimer!”

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2020 Holiday Album

We're getting ahead of the curve and releasing this year's 2020 Holiday Album including such hits as:

1- Baby It's Covid Outside

2- Walking In A Pandemic Wonderland

3- Grandma Got Ran Over By A Protestor

4- Karen, Did You Know

5- Zoom Christmas

6- Frosty The...

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A little girl goes up to her mom and asks “Why are you getting gray hair?”

A little girl goes up to her mom and asks “Why are you getting gray hair?” The mother responds, well every time you do something that upsets me I vet a gray hair.

The girl thinks for a minute. Then says, wooow you must of really pissed off grandma.

I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television.

I asked her 7 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either.

A baby was born...

A baby was born and during its christening, mutters “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, god bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa” and the next day the Grandpa suddenly dies.

A few weeks pass and the baby speaks up again, babbling “God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma” and sure enough th...

Grandma and Grandpa are trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, has died.

“You know,” Grandma said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.” Susie stops crying and asks, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

I get worried about my Grandma...

If she is alone and falls down the stairs does she make a sound?

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My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.

The dentist shit himself, though.

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next".

They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

My grandma said that we people are too much reliant on technology.

I called her a hypocrite and unplugged her life support.

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

I wish I knew what my Asian Grandma’s last words - “Chuk phuk suk leee”

I went all the way to China to get them translated.

And now I know what my grandma said to me when she left the world:
“Get off the windpipe”

Boy says goodbye instead of goodnight

So a boy and his family are praying, and after they finished praying, it’s their tradition to say goodnight, and go to sleep.

So the boy says, goodnight mama, goodnight papa, goodnight grandpa, goodbye grandma.

At the time, they didn’t really think much of it, and the boy didn’t even ...

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Obviously and because.

Teacher in the class:

\-Kids, please form a sentence with words "obviously" and "because".

After a while teacher asks:

\-Have You come up with something, kids?

One kid raises his hand and says:

\-Grandma took the newspaper and went into the woods.

\-But wher...

When I was a preteen, I watched a lot of anime, and really really wanted a katana, so when I finally got one for my birthday, I was so elated, but I only played with it once.

And then all I wanted was grandma back.

Grandma is like a website

You can't say no to cookies

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My grandpa brought up sex the other day. He told me after being married to my grandma so long, they still have sex almost every day of the week.

They almost had sex last monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday etc.

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A grandma decides to end her long prosperous life early by jumping from a bridge

A man approaches while she readies herself to jump.

The man asks: "Excuse me, if you commit suicide, could we have Sex now? I mean you will die soon anyways".

The grandma is shocked and says: "Hell no. What do you think who I am you pervert?"

The starts walking away and tells th...

my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid

"it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.”

my dad: "what kind is it?"

my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"

A young son and his dad were talking about marriage.

The boy said, "When I grow up, I'm going to marry Grandma." The father replied, "You can't marry her, she's my mother.
The boy replied, "So? You married mine."

Little Mary is riding a train with her grandma

Suddenly, Mary opens the window and leans out.
,,Watch out Mary, you might get hurt by tree branches." says grandma.
Mary replies,,Don't worry grandma, there are no trees, just co-co-co-co-co-co-concrete pillars."

I’m so proud of my grandma. At 90 years old she attended medical school

She’s a cadaver.

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