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Grandma Jokes

I asked my grandpa: “ after 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name five years ago and I’m scared to ask her."

My wife and I are both unemployed. My mum died in a car crash. We have three children and we're all staying in my grandma's place, and my grandma died this week. My dad has to work at 73. I'll do any job to take care of my family. Please share.

Sincerely,

William, Prince of Wales

Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?"

"It's Alzheimer, grandma".

My grandma is 80% Irish.

Her name is Iris.

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

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Joke told by my 90 year old grandma

A business man who owns a company wanted to travel for a business meeting. He was scared that his wife was gonna cheat on him with his employees while he's gone, so he decides to put a machine on his wife's thighs that will cut off anything that comes near it.
He traveled and finally came back, h...

My grandma started sharing her recipes on TikTok

Now she’s on OnlyNans

What does my Grandma and a Modern website have in common?

Making me Accept the Cookies on every visit.

Grandma found a lump under her left breast, but the doctor said it was OK.

>!It was just her kneecap!<

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My Grandma saw me masturbating and had a stroke.

I couldn't believe how soft her hands were.

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went to meet my girlfirend's grandma

Due to my girlfriend's insistence I went to meet her grandma. A fairly old lady she had loads of fun stories and one of them was recent.

Gf's Grandma: I went to get a tattoo.

Me (surprised): oh, nice. Did you get it? And where?

Gf's Grandma: yes, I got it on my upper thigh.
<...

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Kid sees their grandma taking pills and asks...

"Grandma, why do you need to take all those pills?"

"Well, Grandma needs to take the green medicine for her headaches, but the green pills give her diarrhea. So grandma needs to take the yellow pills for the diarrhea but those pills always make grandma very depressed. Because of her depress...

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

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2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom

Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.



Arlene: What the hell is that?

Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don'...

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My grandma told me this one

An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The J...

Option 1: Let’s eat grandma. Option 2: Let’s eat, grandma.

There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.

Refusing tea with grandma

A guy was invited to tea by his grandmother. He declined. When asked why he answered "I don't accept cookies".

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In honor of my late grandma

This was the best joke she ever told:

A very successful and respected couple had three sons, each of whole became highly successful and well-regarded. One son became a doctor, another an engineer and the last was a lawyer. Every year they gathered for Christmas and soon the children’s spous...

My grandma likes to prank us by pretending to choke on her food

It’s an old gag

Why was the woodman able to save Little Red Riding Hood and her grandma so quickly?

Because he knew "Inside every wolf there are two people..."

We couldn't decide on whether we wanted to have grandma buried or cremated.

So in the end, we let her live.

what do you call Winnie The Pooh's grandma?

pooh-nanny

My grandma flaps her legs during her seizures

We all get a kick out of it

Grandma is eighty-eight and drives her own car...

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a

'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a

thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunder...

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Grandma and Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa are sitting on the veranda of the old folks, home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs.

Grandpa rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, "Fuck you!"

Grandma rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, "Fuck you too!"

Grandpa becomes very ...

My grandma used to say "kill them with kindness...

...and if that doesn't work, kill them with whatever's handy".


She's set to be released from prison in 2049.

Grandma saw on TV news that a car is driving against the traffic on the highway.

Remembering that grandpa is coming back home from the city on the same highway, she called him to warn him.

"Honey be careful driving, apparently there is a person driving in the wrong direction on the road."

"What do you mean a person?" Grandpa yelled, "Everyone is driving insanely to...

I used to love building sandcastles with my grandma

But my parent's eventually found it creepy and glued the urn shut

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My girlfriend and my grandma have the same name

The worst thing is that, when we have sex, I yell my girlfriend's name

My grandma asked me if I would visit her after she gets out of the hospital...

I told her no...I don't like going to graveyards.

My grandma told me this joke and I felt like I needed to share it.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain tha...

My grandma had dementia in her later years and would tell me this joke every time I saw her: When your appendix is removed it’s called an appendectomy. When your uterus is removed it’s called a hysterectomy. What’s it called when you have a growth removed from your head?

A haircut. (And she’d laugh every time! I miss her terribly.)

A little girl asks her mum: “Mummy, why do we never visit grandma?”

“Oh darling, you don’t remember? She fell of the balcony…”
“And where is she now?”
“Well… she went to heaven”
The little girl thinks about it for a moment…
“Wow, that’s a big bounce”

My grandma died on Christmas…

They want me to do yule-ogy

Grandchild: grandma have you done 69 before? *grin*

Grandma: no honey, I did only 53, we live in a small community

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Memories of my grandma

I grew up with 2 brothers and a sister. Our parents tried their best - but it was difficult for them to make time for each of us as individuals. That's why each of the kids alternated spending a weekend at grandma's every month.

I always looked forward to that Saturday morning breakfast. G...

a Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day

When out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.

She drops to her knees and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.<...

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Grandma

Wait! Stop the funeral!

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visiting grandma...

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on...

The doctor told my Italian grandma that she needed to cut down on the pasta or else she'd die within ten years

So, she shot the guy and the judge gave her 20.

When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma.

Unfortunately, that didn't impress anyone at the cremation...

My 89yr old grandma told me an old cold war joke

A Muscovite goes to a newsstand every day and buys a paper. He reads the front page, and then throws it away in the nearest bin, day after day.

The guy running the newsstand notices this, and curiosity finally compels him to ask, "Why do you buy a paper each day when you never even open it a...

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An 80 year old grandma wants to join an outlaw biker gang

The gang leader says "Well, do you have a bike?"

"Sure! I just bought a new Harley!"

"Are you ok with drugs?"

"I should hope so, I take 20 pills a day!"

"Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No, but I got swung around by the tits once!"

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Why do grandmas always watch porn videos until the very end?

To see if they get married.

They call grandma "that old bag-of-bones"

If she knew that would happen, she would've chosen cremation.

While visiting the old folks home, little Charlie asks his grandmother, "Grandma, what is 'dark humor'?"

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."

Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"

His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"

Char...

Grandma's peanuts (prob a re-post, still funny though)

Danny is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house
for a visit.
There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
So Danny and his friends start snacking on them.
When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am,
And thank you for the p...

My Grandma always used to say, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away. "

I don't know if that's true, or just one of Granny's myths.

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and ...

Two grandmas are sitting at a bus stop

Sharing a cigarette and it starts to rain. One takes out a condom with a hole at the tip and puts it over the cigarette so the rain won’t put it out.

The one lady remarks about how ingenious the idea is and goes to the store herself.

“Can I have a pack of condoms please?”

The...

What did 50 Cent say to his grandma after she knitted him a sweater?

Gee, you knit??

My great grandma couldn't stop giggling at our large family barbecue...

I asked her what she found so funny?

"Everyone here is alive, because I got laid." she said.

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I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandpa’s dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

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Grandma’s Closet

When I was about 7 years old, I used to LOVE the smell of moth balls. It always reminded me of my grandmother’s closet. The only problem was that it was SUPER hard to spread the little fuckers legs apart.

At the age of 65, my Grandma started walking 5 miles a day.

She's 92 now. We have no idea where she is.

My grandma just walked into my room with a young barista wearing thick rimmed glasses.

I said, “Who is that?”

Grandma: That’s my hip replacement.

Mom and Dad go away on vacation

Mom called her son every day to see how everything is going at home.

Her son explains "Hi Mom, mostly fine here - but the cat died on Monday."

Mom was distraught: "How can you break news like this to me so nonchalantly!? Are you a psychopath??"

The son replies "I'm sorry Mom, I ...

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Grandmas cookies

Granddad and grandson are sitting on the front porch, when granddad lights up a cigar, the grandson asks if he can have one as well and the granddad says ‘can your dick touch your ass?’ The grandson says ‘no’ so granddad replies ‘there’s your answer’ granddad then has a sip of whiskey and grandson a...

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where’s mom and dad?"

She replied, "They're up in bed," so the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma the same question. She replied with the same answer and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play....

A kid with hairspray

A kid is helping his grandpa doing yard work. The kid sees a worm creep up out of its hole. The kid has an aerosol of hairspray and bets his grandfather a dollar that if he sprays the worm with hairspray and put it back in, it will just stay there. Grandpa accepts the bet.

Sure enough, the ki...

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Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived her...

“I used to make sandcastles with my grandma”

But then my mother would tell me to put the urn back

My grandma told me this one.

An older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same h...

I told my dad I want to marry my grandma.

He said: "No way, you cannot possibly marry my mother!"

But him marrying my mother was totally ok? What a hypocrite.

Grandma

Grandma's getting a little hard to understand in her old age. "Ma", we said, "you may be getting dyslexia."

"Lysdexia?", she said, "Don't be diriculous."

We had to put our foot down when she got on the phone to order fitted sheets.

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Things you can say during sex and at a funeral. I’ll go first....

Even with all of her health issues, I'm glad grandma was able to come.

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Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his p...

Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.

If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.

Be afraid, very afraid

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked,

\- "Mrs. Jones, do you know ...

Grandma and the Bible.

Every time a little boy went to a playmate’s house, he found the friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally his curiosity got the better of him.



“Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” he asked.



“I’m not sure,” said his friend, “b...

Shoutout to my grandma

that's the only way she can hear

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.

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An old grandma is taking care of her grandson for the summer before he leaves for university.

One day, the boy brings a male friend home, seeming to be very secretive about their activities, but the grandma surmises the usual. It is fair that they are secretive, as her son and daughter-in-law are peculiarly homophobic, she's sure she didn't raise him like that, but she wishes to tell him tha...

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A little lad asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs.

"It's because you are so naughty" she tells him.

"Well,..." he replies, "...having seen grandma, you must have been a right twat."

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A teacher asks if anyone in the class can use the word "contagious" in a sentence.

Jenny puts her hand up and says "My mum says we should stay home when we're sick incase we're contagious."

"That's right" the teacher says, "Anyone else?"

Susie says "My grandma says a smile can be contagious."

"Very good" says the teacher, "Anyone else?"

Little Johnny pu...

I’ll never forget my Grandma’s final words :

“What are you doing in here with that hammer?”

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn'...

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We cleared out my grandma's house this morning

We sorted out the good stuff and put it on eBay, and then went to the estate agents to put her house on the market.

She's gonna be pretty pissed off when she gets back from bingo.

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Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

You wanna hear about something ironic? My grandma’s zodiac sign was Cancer.

She was killed... by a giant crab.

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The dirtiest joke my Grandma ever told me.

A mother puts her two sons to bed, before they fall asleep.

The older brother tells his little brother, "I think it's time we started cussing."

The younger brother asks, "Well what are you going to say?"

The older brother responds, "I'll say, Hell."

The younger brother sa...

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"Grandma, have you seen my LSD?"

Grandma replies "Fuck the LSD, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"

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At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breasts

We were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees

Two polar bear bros are chilling out on Greenland

They are getting a bit bored. But then suddenly one of them have an idea:

Polar bear 1 flicks the ear of Polar bear 2 and runs away while yelling: "you're too slow, you can't catch me!"

Polar bear 2 gets annoyed and starts running after Polar bear 1.

Polar bear 1 keeps running a...

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My grandfather is addicted to Viagra

Grandma is taking it very hard

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

A woman decides to take a well-earned vacation....

and she asks her brother to watch her cat while she's away.

On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her bluntly that the cat is dead.

The woman is really upset and goes into hysterics, before saying, "You can't tell a person bad news so bluntl...

I told my Grandma to act her age

She died

My mum told me, when I visit grandma in hospital, I should take her flowers.

So, when grandma wasn't looking, I took them.

My grandma hates her new stairlift...

She says it drives her up the wall.

Grandma gave me a vest for Christmas and said I should wear it to school.

Bless her heart, but cashmere won't stop a bullet.

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Like grandma always says: if you want sympathy...

You can always find it in the dictionary between syphilis and shit.

Two brothers went to their grandma's for Christmas...

The younger opened up his gift and was delighted to find a nice scarf his grandma had knitted for him.

The older found a card with his name on it. Inside it read "Merry Christmas, Love Grandma"

Later that night the older brother complained to his brother, "Why does grandma love you so ...

Grandma, you are 105 years old, what's the secret for such a long life?

"I don't have enough money for burial services."

"Dad, I don't want to go visit Grandma"

"Shut up, and keep digging"

3 boys were having a debate who had the healthiest grandma

Boy 1: I have the healthiest grandma. She is 67 years old and can still do a backflip!
Boy 2: No I have the healthiest grandma. She is 76 years old and can still finish a marathon!
Boy 3: I have the healthiest grandma. She is 85 and she is in the hospital...
Boy 1 and 2 looking confused
...

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Under the pillow

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said,

“I don’t think you should take one Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.”

“How much?” a...

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Speed demon Grandma

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually join...

My grandma had a scare when she felt a lump under her breast

Turns out it was just her knee cap

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Dirty Grandma

Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked:

“Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to a...

I unplugged my grandma's life support

The moment was really breathtaking.

When I was bar tending I would tell people this was the worst joke they’ll ever hear that will still make them laugh. I always just called it. “Grandma”

A boy comes home from school one day skipping football practice cuz he isn’t feeling well.
When he gets home he grabs a snack and sits down to watch some TV.
During the show he hears some noises coming from his parents room.
His parents not being home at that time normally he walks down ...

What did Santa say after seeing my Grandma, Mom and Sister?

Hoe Hoe Hoe

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Worst joke I know (nsfw)

I was eating out this chick and I tasted horse semen.
So I looked up and said " Ew grandma! Is that how you died?"

Grandma's dream finally came true and she went to medical school

As a cadaver

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What do you call the hair between your grandma's tits?

Her pussy!

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My Grandma sat me on the porch one day.

I was 11 years old.

She sings
"Ree Ree hit him in the knee, Rass Rass....
Hit him in the other knee"

11 year old me rofl'd

"Grandpa, tell us that story again about grandma's pearl necklace."

"Really? That old chestnut?

Grandma Sofia really likes Skype.

« It’s such a wonderful invention! We get to have guests, but we don’t need to feed them! »

A grandma asks her grandson if he'd like to go shopping with her.

The grandson responds "Not now, Grandma, I'm watching a soccer game!"


"Oh, really? Who's playing?"


"Czechs on Slovakia!"


"Against who?"

What do you tell a grandma who's joints are getting weaker?

Tell her to roll them tighter!

What did grandma say to the old fountain?

You aged well!

My daughter has the most beautiful falsetto voice, just like her grandma did.

Now all what grandma's got is a falsetto teeth.

My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks straight from the bottle.

My grandma was quite the athlete

She had trophies for all sorts of things. Her most prized was a limbo trophy she won in Hawaii. When she passed my brother wanted it. I said no and he stole it. How much lower can you go?

[NSFW] What's the worst part about going down on your grandma?

Banging your head on the lid of the coffin

My grandma decided to start walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try to keep fit

She's 70 now and I have no goddamn idea about where she is.

I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television.

I asked her 7 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either.

Grandma took my weed

so I took her wheelchair neither of us rolling.

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