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Knock Knock

"Who is there?"

"Grandma!"

"Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've bee...

My grandma asked for a comedian rather than a priest on her deathbed

Given she's currently on her death bed, please share your finest jokes I can send her off with.

Thanks r/jokes

my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid

"it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.”

my dad: "what kind is it?"

my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"

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I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

My dad went with my grandma to the doctors office

and we found out she was diagnosed with dementia a year ago, but she forgot to tell us.

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My grandma told me this one

An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The J...

(Grandma told me this one) why did the teach put a clock on the floor of her desk?

Because she wanted to work overtime

"Mom, I don't like grandma..."

"Shut up and eat what's on your plate!"

Shortly before he died, my grandma covered my grandads back with lard...

...after that he went downhill fast

A kid gets out of his bed at night as he can't sleep...

He walks into his parents room and see's them going at it. Visibly shocked, he asks whats going on. His Dad just laughs and says “go back to your room I'll come and talk to you in 20 mins”.

20 mins later his Dad walks into his room and see's the young lad banging his grandma. The kid looks ...

What's the worst part of going down on grandma?

​

​

Hitting your head on the casket lid,

Shout out to my grandma

that's the only way she can hear.

I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

"What did grandpa and grandma do for fun back in the day?"

i don't know why but this question was never answered by anyone from my 17 aunts and uncles.

Growing up my grandma loved reading me Mark Twain. It combined her to favorite activities,

Spending time with her grandson and using the N word.

After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails.

She’s hidden his teeth.

My grandma died 6 days before my birthday

Which of course made me extremely upset when my my birthday came around, because I had nothing to wish for.

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My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.

The dentist shit himself, though.

Grandma is buying a fishing rod

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about...

You know what the worst part of Grandma's dementia was?

When she forgot about Dre.

2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom

Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

​

Arlene: What the hell is that?

Jane: It's a condom. This way my ci...

Why did the cannibal eat his grandma?

Because she said,"Eat your vegetables."

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Visited my grandma in the hospital today

I was there with my family to comfort her as she took her last breaths, everyone was pretty sad so I thought I'd tell a joke to cheer everyone up. Nobody really laughed but my grandma was fucking dying.

My late grandma was a great mathematician...

She even sent me a sine from beyond.

I’m planning to throw a rock at my grandma with dementia

She won’t know what hit her

My grandma died at the age of 91 not knowing how to drive

Apparently

Our family couldn’t decide whether to have Grandma buried or cremated...

So in the end we just let her live.

I got a text from my wife saying "Grandma is keeping the baby tonight, you wanna smash as soon as you get home?"

Never before have I been disappointed to come home and find my wife naked and wearing high heels.

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Do you know what we call the patch of hair between grandma’s breasts?

Her vagina.

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A boy comes home and finds his grandma in the living room, sitting down. He asks her "hey, grandma...have you seen my pills? they say LSD on them.”

The grandma looks at the boy and says "fuck that, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?"

Grandma has been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

My grandma changed her hair colour while taking a nap...

She dyed peacefully in her sleep

One from my Grandma.

During our last family reunion, my aunts, uncle, and my mom were sitting around, making conversation and telling jokes. My uncle asked my grandma (95 yrs old) if she had any jokes.
G’ma: “I had six of them.”
Referring to her six children. You’ve still got it, Gram.

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My grandma is divorcing my granddad because he spent their entire life savings on a penis enlargement procedure.

She couldn’t take it any longer.

What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?

Instagram

I have convinced my grandma that the baby boomers are as dependent on technology as us.

When she said " you millenials are so addicted to technology" I quickly glanced at her life support. That was the last time she said it.

A old grandma is watching the news

Suddenly, a story comes on saying there is somebody driving the wrong way down the highway. That's the same way her husband drives to work every day. Nervous, she calls him to warn him and make sure he's okay.
"Honey, I want you to be careful driving to work. There's somebody driving the wrong wa...

What did 50 Cent say to his grandma when gave him a sweater for Christmas?

Gee! You knit?

Grandma, I heard a vegan moved next door to you

Has it affected your life anyhow?

- Well, just to be clear, I want to let you know that I'm a grandma. But no, I don't think it has affected me. By the way, did I tell you I'm a grandma

Recently my Grandma has been coming up to me at weddings and saying “Soon it will be your turn!”

She didn’t appreciate it when I started saying the same thing to her at funerals

A young man's grandma finds his condoms

She has never seen one before, and after opening the pack, carries it to him and asks "It said 'condom' on the wrapper. What's this for?"

The man is naturally a little embarrassed about the situation, and thinking quickly replies "Oh, they keep my cigarettes dry when it rains!"

Thinki...

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A joke my grandma told me before she passed.

So a classroom teacher was giving candy to all the students. While doing this she was having them all guess what flavor the candy was.

After giving the first piece to the whole class she asks the class what flavor it was. They all said grape

The next flavor was guessed to be orange and...

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

My grandma was complaining that her joints were getting weaker every day, but I’m glad that she’s doing much better.

She just started rolling them tighter.

My ex-prostitute grandma bakes the best cakes...

She tells me the secret is her homegrown yeast.

My grandma decided to start walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try to keep fit

She's 70 now and I have no goddamn idea about where she is.

Before she died, my mom told me she wanted to be buried with my grandma.

I feel really sad about having to kill grandma now.

Do you know what my grandma would say if she was here right now?

BBBBRRRRAAAAIIIINNNNNSSSS



(My grandmas dead and I never get tired of cracking this joke)

Mommy! I don’t want to sleep with grandma anymore

Honey I already told you we don’t have enough money to bury her.

I would prefer to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandma,

not screaming in terror like her passengers.

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn'...

A grandma is bragging to her daughter about new hearing aid that cost her $2000

The daughter asks "What kind is it?"

"It's 5:45 dear"

What do you call a grandma drag queen from Massachusetts?

A Nantucket.

Grandma Sent a Letter to her Friends

Dearest Ones:
 
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker an...

What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet?

I mean, didn't they get bored?

I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.

A little boy goes to his grandma and asks:

"Granny is mom going to heaven?"

Grandmother:"Why would you think that?"

Little Boy:"I heard her screaming, "Oh god I'm coming!", last night."

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Can your dick touch your asshole?

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole ?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough t...

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I’m worried my grandma has Alzheimer’s

She keeps calling me Dave when my name is Bill
 
It’s either that or she’s thinking about someone else when we are having sex.

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Grandmas Tattoo

I was waiting on a table of a big family. 7 of them, three kids, mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa. Grandma was your typical OLD OLD OLD grandma. In a wheelchair with a blanket over her legs, looked like one of those apple dolls, spoke in a whisper.

She sees my tattoos, grabs me with her b...

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So a grandma is telling her son about her sex life with her now deceased parter

She says 'Ah yes, every Sunday she says, we would have sex in rhythm to the church bells, ding, dong, in, out so on so forth

The grandfather died from having sex on Sunday, which the son was confused as to why it was different this time round

'so why did he have a heart attack on Sund...

What did Rihanna say to her grandma when she found out she had dementia?

"Oh nana, what's my name?"

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

"Are you going to eat those chocolates with grandma?" asked my wife.

I said, "No, I can't imagine she's very tasty."

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An incredibly wealthy genius loves riddles.

Bored with being smarter than anyone he meets the man decides to offer his fortune to anyone who is able to stump him with a question or riddle. Thousands of people come to try and trick the man and without effort he answers every riddle and piece of trivia he is challenged with.
Finally an old...

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After a long life married together, grandma and grandpa are bored with their sex life...

... but Grandpa comes up with a great idea!

he says: "Darling, things in bed have been the same for half a century. i think its time we try something new. so, ive been thinking about it, and i had a *realy* great idea!"

"Ohhh you!" replies grandma: "what do you have in mind?"

"...

A friend got mad at me for smelling his grandma's panties.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral rather awkward.

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

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The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the e...

Grandma's Apple Pie

An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."

Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he c...

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I’m having a drink in a nicer bar in my town, when a guy yells in my ear, “Bitch, I fucked your grandma!”

I turn around, look him in the eye, and say, “Go home grandpa, you’re drunk”

I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....

We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

I asked my Grandpa: After 65 years you still call grandma Darling, Beautiful and Honey...

What's the secret?

**Grandpa**: I forgot her name 5 years ago and Im scared to ask her.

Two boys are staying at grandmas doing nightly prayers

Two boys are staying at grandmas doing nightly prayers. The first boy quietly asks God for a puppy, the second boy shouts "PLEASE LORD LET ME HAVE A NEW BIKE". The first boy says to the other boy "you don't need to yell I'm sure God can hear you", the second boy says "I know he can but grandma needs...

My Grandma told me all her friends had AIDS...

I told her I was sorry for them and she asked me to speak up.

She too had AIDS,

\*hearing aids\*

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My Grandmas Old Advice.

My grandma used to always say,

"Boy, never hate people for the things they can't change...
hate them for the things they can change, like their stupid personality, their shitty opinions or their inferior religions."

At least that's what I think she said, I never listened to the st...

(Told by a 7 year old reading me a joke off of her SpongeBob Gogurt) "What is Plankton's grandma's favorite type of pudding?"

"Not labeled for individual sale!!!!!"

What were Grandma’s last words before she kicked the bucket?

“How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

I've been concerned about my Grandma, and wondered what would happen if she fell down the stairs and no one was around

Would she make a noise?

My grandma taught me to be like Jesus and spend every day helping the powerless.

So I became an electrician.

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I heard this one from Grandma after a bottle of wine or three.

An older gentlemen with some money in his pocket was heading down an old country dirt road with peddlers and wares dealers every few miles.

He runs across a man with several of the biggest roosters he's ever seen, at a price even better. He has to have one, so he says "Sir! Sir! I must have ...

My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government.

Visitors only see the nice china.

So the boy said "Grandpa"

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in ...

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My grandma caught me masturbating and she had a stroke...

She has such soft hands...

My Grandma's like the Moon...

Nobody's cared about visiting her for 40 years.

Friend: This might be my grandma's last Christmas

Me: why? Is she sick?

Friend: no, she's changing religions.

I took my grandma to fish spa. Everyone freaked out!

But in my defense, it's more affordable than cremation.

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Grandma and granddaughter

A grandma from a unnamed county was talking to her granddaughter about the insane progress made in the medicine field:

"When I was 20 years old the doctor, the head nurse, the doctor on duty, the emergency doctor, the paramedic and his asistant, the cleaning staff and even the doorman from th...

My grandma recently claimed she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein..

What a stroke of genius.

My 93-year-old grandma has rheumatoid arthritis and is slow at crosswalks. Yesterday, she got hit by a car.

She's perfectly fine -- she has an auto-immune disease!

My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker...

...so I told her to roll them tighter.

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"Well grandma," I said, "this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it? "

She shouted, "Will you fuck off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace!"