This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know...

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside
and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've bee...

I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television.

I asked her 7 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Knock Knock

"Who is there?"

"Grandma!"

"Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

My Grandma stopped smoking yesterday, its pretty impressive

Since i set her on fire a week ago

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My 84 year old grandma tells her doctor that she has a problem. She says "Every morning i have a massive piss at 7 and a massive crap at 8!" The doctor says "That is very healthy for a woman of your age....What is the problem?"

She says "I don't wake up til 9!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night...

I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?

What's the difference between all you can eat restaurant and your grandma's?

At an all you can eat restaurant you decide when you're full.

I took my grandma to a fish spa centre where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

One day, grandpa is taking care of his grandson...

Sitting on the porch, he's watching him picking up worms and trying to put them back in their holes on the dirt.

-That won't work, son. They're too soft and too slimy to be inserted like that.

-Wanna bet, grandpa?

-I'm telling you, it won't work.

-How about $10?

Se...

My grandma asked for a comedian rather than a priest on her deathbed

Given she's currently on her death bed, please share your finest jokes I can send her off with.

Thanks r/jokes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A grandma decides to end her long prosperous life early by jumping from a bridge

A man approaches while she readies herself to jump.

The man asks: "Excuse me, if you commit suicide, could we have Sex now? I mean you will die soon anyways".

The grandma is shocked and says: "Hell no. What do you think who I am you pervert?"

The starts walking away and tells th...

I got in trouble for sniffing my grandma's panties.

I still can't believe they kicked me out of the funeral too.

One day 2 kids were walking in the park with their grandmother.

And every day, the kids would say, "Grandma we want to ride in that helicopter".

Grandma always replied, "I know kids, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One day Grandma and the kids went to the park, and the kids said, "Grandma, you're 85 years ol...

Soldier's letter to his grandma

A letter arrives with a hand grenade in it,it says: Granny, pull this pin so I can get two weeks leave,love you.

After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy.

She urned it.

My grandma died because the report said she had a type-A blood

Unfortunatly it was a type-O

Me: Grandma are you on LSD?!

Grandma: Forget the Drugs! Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

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My grandma told me this one

An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The J...

Grandma and Grandpa are trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, has died.

“You know,” Grandma said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.” Susie stops crying and asks, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

Shout out to my grandma

that's the only way she can hear.

A kid gets out of his bed at night as he can't sleep...

He walks into his parents room and see's them going at it. Visibly shocked, he asks whats going on. His Dad just laughs and says “go back to your room I'll come and talk to you in 20 mins”.

20 mins later his Dad walks into his room and see's the young lad banging his grandma. The kid looks ...

My grandma always said, “Slow and steady wins the race.”

Lovely woman. Unfortunately she died in a fire.

What's the worst part of going down on grandma?

​

​

Hitting your head on the casket lid,

My grandma died 6 days before my birthday

Which of course made me extremely upset when my my birthday came around, because I had nothing to wish for.

My grandma was talking to my mom about her new hearing aid...

“It’s one of the most expensive ones you can get, it was $3,500”

Mom: What kind is it?

Grandma: It’s 12:30 pm

Growing up my grandma loved reading me Mark Twain. It combined her to favorite activities,

Spending time with her grandson and using the N word.

"Mom, I don't like grandma..."

"Shut up and eat what's on your plate!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.

The dentist shit himself, though.

Why did the cannibal eat his grandma?

Because she said,"Eat your vegetables."

"What did grandpa and grandma do for fun back in the day?"

i don't know why but this question was never answered by anyone from my 17 aunts and uncles.

My late grandma was a great mathematician...

She even sent me a sine from beyond.

(Grandma told me this one) why did the teach put a clock on the floor of her desk?

Because she wanted to work overtime

2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom

Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

​

Arlene: What the hell is that?

Jane: It's a condom. This way my ci...

After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails.

She’s hidden his teeth.

You know what the worst part of Grandma's dementia was?

When she forgot about Dre.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Visited my grandma in the hospital today

I was there with my family to comfort her as she took her last breaths, everyone was pretty sad so I thought I'd tell a joke to cheer everyone up. Nobody really laughed but my grandma was fucking dying.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you know what we call the patch of hair between grandma’s breasts?

Her vagina.

My grandma died at the age of 91 not knowing how to drive

Apparently

My grandma changed her hair colour while taking a nap...

She dyed peacefully in her sleep

Shortly before he died, my grandma covered my grandads back with lard...

...after that he went downhill fast

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy comes home and finds his grandma in the living room, sitting down. He asks her "hey, grandma...have you seen my pills? they say LSD on them.”

The grandma looks at the boy and says "fuck that, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke my grandma told me before she passed.

So a classroom teacher was giving candy to all the students. While doing this she was having them all guess what flavor the candy was.

After giving the first piece to the whole class she asks the class what flavor it was. They all said grape

The next flavor was guessed to be orange and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandma is divorcing my granddad because he spent their entire life savings on a penis enlargement procedure.

She couldn’t take it any longer.

Grandma is buying a fishing rod

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about...

Grandma has been staring through the window ever since it started to snow.

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

I got a text from my wife saying "Grandma is keeping the baby tonight, you wanna smash as soon as you get home?"

Never before have I been disappointed to come home and find my wife naked and wearing high heels.

One from my Grandma.

During our last family reunion, my aunts, uncle, and my mom were sitting around, making conversation and telling jokes. My uncle asked my grandma (95 yrs old) if she had any jokes.
G’ma: “I had six of them.”
Referring to her six children. You’ve still got it, Gram.

A young man's grandma finds his condoms

She has never seen one before, and after opening the pack, carries it to him and asks "It said 'condom' on the wrapper. What's this for?"

The man is naturally a little embarrassed about the situation, and thinking quickly replies "Oh, they keep my cigarettes dry when it rains!"

Thinki...

I’m planning to throw a rock at my grandma with dementia

She won’t know what hit her

What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?

Instagram

Our family couldn’t decide whether to have Grandma buried or cremated...

So in the end we just let her live.

My grandma was complaining that her joints were getting weaker every day, but I’m glad that she’s doing much better.

She just started rolling them tighter.

Don't you hate it when you're driving along smoking a cigarette, you flick it out the window and you drive for a couple more miles and smell something funny and you look over onto the back seat and sure enough..

Grandma's fingering herself again

Grandma, I heard a vegan moved next door to you

Has it affected your life anyhow?

- Well, just to be clear, I want to let you know that I'm a grandma. But no, I don't think it has affected me. By the way, did I tell you I'm a grandma

Do you know what my grandma would say if she was here right now?

BBBBRRRRAAAAIIIINNNNNSSSS



(My grandmas dead and I never get tired of cracking this joke)

My grandma decided to start walking 2 miles a day when she turned 60 to try to keep fit

She's 70 now and I have no goddamn idea about where she is.

Recently my Grandma has been coming up to me at weddings and saying “Soon it will be your turn!”

She didn’t appreciate it when I started saying the same thing to her at funerals

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My ex-prostitute grandma bakes the best cakes...

She tells me the secret is her homegrown yeast.

I have convinced my grandma that the baby boomers are as dependent on technology as us.

When she said " you millenials are so addicted to technology" I quickly glanced at her life support. That was the last time she said it.

A old grandma is watching the news

Suddenly, a story comes on saying there is somebody driving the wrong way down the highway. That's the same way her husband drives to work every day. Nervous, she calls him to warn him and make sure he's okay.
"Honey, I want you to be careful driving to work. There's somebody driving the wrong wa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can your dick touch your asshole?

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole ?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough t...

What did 50 Cent say to his grandma when gave him a sweater for Christmas?

Gee! You knit?

Before she died, my mom told me she wanted to be buried with my grandma.

I feel really sad about having to kill grandma now.

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn'...

What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet?

I mean, didn't they get bored?

I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.

Grandma Sent a Letter to her Friends

Dearest Ones:
 
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

A grandma is bragging to her daughter about new hearing aid that cost her $2000

The daughter asks "What kind is it?"

"It's 5:45 dear"

A little boy goes to his grandma and asks:

"Granny is mom going to heaven?"

Grandmother:"Why would you think that?"

Little Boy:"I heard her screaming, "Oh god I'm coming!", last night."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Grandmas Tattoo

I was waiting on a table of a big family. 7 of them, three kids, mom and dad, and grandma and grandpa. Grandma was your typical OLD OLD OLD grandma. In a wheelchair with a blanket over her legs, looked like one of those apple dolls, spoke in a whisper.

She sees my tattoos, grabs me with her b...

I would prefer to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandma,

not screaming in terror like her passengers.

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m worried my grandma has Alzheimer’s

She keeps calling me Dave when my name is Bill
 
It’s either that or she’s thinking about someone else when we are having sex.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Jewish Elbow

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301.
There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, the e...

"Are you going to eat those chocolates with grandma?" asked my wife.

I said, "No, I can't imagine she's very tasty."

What did Rihanna say to her grandma when she found out she had dementia?

"Oh nana, what's my name?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An incredibly wealthy genius loves riddles.

Bored with being smarter than anyone he meets the man decides to offer his fortune to anyone who is able to stump him with a question or riddle. Thousands of people come to try and trick the man and without effort he answers every riddle and piece of trivia he is challenged with.
Finally an old...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m having a drink in a nicer bar in my town, when a guy yells in my ear, “Bitch, I fucked your grandma!”

I turn around, look him in the eye, and say, “Go home grandpa, you’re drunk”

I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....

We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

My grandma taught me to be like Jesus and spend every day helping the powerless.

So I became an electrician.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a grandma is telling her son about her sex life with her now deceased parter

She says 'Ah yes, every Sunday she says, we would have sex in rhythm to the church bells, ding, dong, in, out so on so forth

The grandfather died from having sex on Sunday, which the son was confused as to why it was different this time round

'so why did he have a heart attack on Sund...

A friend got mad at me for smelling his grandma's panties.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral rather awkward.

My Grandma told me all her friends had AIDS...

I told her I was sorry for them and she asked me to speak up.

She too had AIDS,

\*hearing aids\*

I asked my Grandpa: After 65 years you still call grandma Darling, Beautiful and Honey...

What's the secret?

**Grandpa**: I forgot her name 5 years ago and Im scared to ask her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Grandmas Old Advice.

My grandma used to always say,

"Boy, never hate people for the things they can't change...
hate them for the things they can change, like their stupid personality, their shitty opinions or their inferior religions."

At least that's what I think she said, I never listened to the st...

I've been concerned about my Grandma, and wondered what would happen if she fell down the stairs and no one was around

Would she make a noise?

(Told by a 7 year old reading me a joke off of her SpongeBob Gogurt) "What is Plankton's grandma's favorite type of pudding?"

"Not labeled for individual sale!!!!!"

Two boys are staying at grandmas doing nightly prayers

Two boys are staying at grandmas doing nightly prayers. The first boy quietly asks God for a puppy, the second boy shouts "PLEASE LORD LET ME HAVE A NEW BIKE". The first boy says to the other boy "you don't need to yell I'm sure God can hear you", the second boy says "I know he can but grandma needs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After a long life married together, grandma and grandpa are bored with their sex life...

... but Grandpa comes up with a great idea!

he says: "Darling, things in bed have been the same for half a century. i think its time we try something new. so, ive been thinking about it, and i had a *realy* great idea!"

"Ohhh you!" replies grandma: "what do you have in mind?"

"...

Grandma's Apple Pie

An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."

Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he c...

My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government.

Visitors only see the nice china.

What were Grandma’s last words before she kicked the bucket?

“How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

So the boy said "Grandpa"

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in ...

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