4 year old boy: "Dad I've decided to get married"

Dad: "Wonderful. Who's the girl?"

Son: "Yes, Grandma! She loves me, she cooks for me, she tells me stories."

Dad: "That's nice, but there is one problem."

Son: "What's that?"

Dad: "She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother?!"

Son: "Why not? You marri...

How does the kid tell you that their grandparents called?

60s kids: Grandma called.

70s kids: Gramps called.

80s kids: Granny called.

90s kids: Grandmother called.

Kids now: Boomerang.

The soldier.

Little Johnny became a soldier. He got a big knife, an AR 15 and a few hand grenades. He felt pretty good as he had also gotten pretty strong so he decided to go show off to his grandpa.

He gets there and sees his grandpa so he goes:

-Hi grandpa. Look at me, I became a soldier!
...

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A kid goes to stay at his grandparents house for a weekend

On the first night, the kid and his grandad are sitting in the garage, Gramps is having a smoke. Kid says, "hey, can I get a puff?" Gramps says, "well. Does your dick touch your asshole?" Kid says, "no... What the hell??" Gramps says "well you can't have a puff of my cigar.

Next day, kid and ...

How do you get a sweet little old grandma to curse?

Shout *Bingo*.

Grandpa and Grandma are sitting on a bench in the park

they hear the jingle of the icecream salesman.

Grandma says : "I'd like some vanilla icecream."

Grandpa says: "Good idea, I'd also like some chocolate icecream".

Grandma stands up and says: "I'll go get some."

"You should write it, Grandma, you know your memory is not wha...

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A girl was a prostitute but...

She lived with her grandma and didn't want her to know.

One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw he...

Haha Granny is too smart to handle.

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day.

First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer...

My grandma has the heart of a lion..

And a life time ban from the zoo

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[NSFW] What's the definition of disgusting?

Ramming five raw oysters up your grandma's pussy,
and sucking out six.

What do you call your Grandma on Speed-Dial?

Instagram

A balcony fell in the Ukrainian city and crushed a man.

There’s a big crowd next to the corpse. Old women is crying:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, he was so young!...”

Someone from the crowd:

“Calm down grandma, he was russian.”

The women continues:

“Oh my god, what’s the world coming to, there are so many god...

My Grandma thought moving into house boat on an African river would solve all her money problems.

She's living in denial.

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.

He asks her - why did you say that?

I don't know, I just felt like saying it.

The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.

A month later at bedtim...

Apparently my grandma slept with a lot of men to get where she got

President of her senior citizen's club

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Supposedly common Iranian joke my grandma told me

How do you piss off the French? Show them how to cook

Aye shoutout to my grandma

Because that’s the only way that she can hear

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Grandma in Court

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?

**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.

**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**

**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my s...

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.

She’s dead and berried.

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I've just found out that shouting "Who's the bastard in the black" will get you thrown out of not just football matches, but also funerals.

Sorry Grandma.

Dad and Daughter

So, there was a dad, and one night, the dad watched his daughter do her nightly prayers and she said, "God bless mom, God bless dad, God bless grandma, and goodbye grandpa." The next day, Grandpa died. The dad thought it could all be a coincidence, until the next night, when the dad was watching his...

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A boy and his grandpa

One day a boy’s grandpa was watching TV and drinking a beer.

He sat down and asked if he could have some of the beer.

“Is your wiener long enough to touch your butthole?”
“Nope.”

“Then you’re too young to share my beer,” his grandpa chuckled

A couple of weeks later...

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My friend told me this one

A boy goes to his grandma and asks,” gran , have you seen my pills , they’re labelled LSD?” The grandma replies,” fuck the pills what about the dragons in the kitchen !!!”

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next".

They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

Grandma is like a website

You can't say no to cookies

What’s the definition of gross?

When you dream you’re eating cottage cheese and you wake up to find your grandma sitting on your face.

A comma can save a life.

Let's eat grandma.


Let's eat, grandma.

A young man is writing his grandmother a letter

His friends sees it and asks him: who are you writing that letter?

My grandma, the boy replies. Why are you writing so slowly? His friend asks him.

She can’t read very fast!

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Grandma visit...

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day ...

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Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.

For example:

Let's fuck grandma.

Let's fuck, grandma.

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I tried to tell my grandma about colon cancer...

...But she didn't give a shit

Sleeping is so easy

My grandma has been doing it for 20 years!

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Six year old Bobby is at his grandmothers house...

When he has to go to the bathroom. As most six year olds do, he walks into the bathroom without knocking and sees his naked grandmother coming out of the shower. “Bobby! What are you doing?” Bobby says “sorry grandma, I had to go pee.” Bobby looks down and points at her privates and asks “what’s tha...

Little Mary is riding a train with her grandma

Suddenly, Mary opens the window and leans out.
,,Watch out Mary, you might get hurt by tree branches." says grandma.
Mary replies,,Don't worry grandma, there are no trees, just co-co-co-co-co-co-concrete pillars."

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A kid asks his mother why she has so many grey hairs...

The mother says "It's because you are so naughty."

The kid replies "Well, you must have been a right twat; have you seen grandma?!"

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A bear ask his mom:Mother are you sure that i m a polar bear and not some other kinde of bear ?

His mother sais she s sure that he s a polar bear.Then the bear goes to his uncle and asks him:Are you sure that I m a polar bear and not some other kinde of bear?the uncle sais that he is sure that he is a polar bear.Then the bear goes to his grandma and ask her:hey grandma are you sure that i m a ...

The genie of the lamp

A hipster goes to an antique market where he spots a cool looking brass lamp. It's only $20, so he buys and takes it home.
He spots a black mark on the side so he gets out the brass polish and rubs it to remove the mark. There's a flash and this giant Middle Eastern dude appeares in his lounge. "...

Read the room

Person 1: my grandma died...

Person 2: oh no that’s terrible, I’m so sorr-

Person 3: *enters room* HELLO SUCKERS GUESS
WHO JUST ATE TEN TACOS IN TWO MINUTEs

person 2: bro, stop, read the room

Person 3: but im dyslexic

A teacher is checking if the children know the currencies from around the world.

First she asks Mike about Britain's currency and he says:"Pounds."

Then she asks Joe about America's currency he says:"Dollars."

Finally she gets to Peter and asks him what is Germany's currency.

He says:"TIMES."

Bamboozled, she asks what is "times"?

Peter:"Well yo...

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Darren’s Grandpa Died....

Darren asks his grandma, “Grandma, how did grandpa die?”

G: Your grandpa had a heart attack when we were having sex

D: But grandma, you shouldn’t be making out at that age!

G: We would fuck each other to the rhyme of the church. One ‘Bong’ is in, one ‘Bong’ is out. It would go s...

Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers.

She says, "God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa."

Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, "Why did you say the last part?" His daughter replies, "Because I needed to." The next day, grandpa dies of a heart attack. Bill is worried about his daughter but thinks, "I...

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How do you call the part between grandma's tits?

Her pussy

Little Johnny went to the store with his grandma

On their way there, little Johnny saw a pretty postcard lying on the ground. He was about to reach for it, when his grandma stopped him and said,

"Don't pick up trash from the ground"

In the store little Johnny saw a sparkly candywrapper on the ground. He again was about to grab it, wh...

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My grandpa brought up sex the other day. He told me after being married to my grandma so long, they still have sex almost every day of the week.

They almost had sex last monday, almost on tuesday, wednesday etc.

My grandma quit smoking.

And we got a nice little urn for her.

My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker

so I told her to roll them tighter.

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner. She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I earn that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs, "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"

Grandma giggles, "You two are both spoiled brats! Back in the 1950s, we took $5 for a blowey and we were glad to get it!"

They all turn to grea...

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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed,

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by her saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know...

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Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

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I walked on my grandma sucking my grandpa's dick

Which surprised me because I thought they buried it with him.

What does a dyslexic agnostic insomniac do at night?

Stays up wondering if there really is a Dog

Thank you grandma for that joke

One night, Billy walked into his parents’ bedroom and found his dad fooling around in bed with his mom.

“Dad, what are you doing?” Billy asked.

“Well son, I’m playing cards,” his dad replied.

“What’s Mom doing?”

“Oh, she’s my wild card.”

That weekend, Billy went to spend the night at his grandparents. He woke up and went to their bedroom, and found his grandpa fooling arou...

All men are the same!

Grandma is seeing that her grandchild, a young woman, is getting ready to go out, dressing up nicely and being all nervous. So she asked her grandchild about her plans.
"Why, I am going out on my first date with a handsome young fella, Grandma! I am so excited!"

The Grandma raised her eye...

My grandma got her foot amputated because of diabetes. Seeing her like this reminds me that no one can escape old age.

especially if you have one leg.

A girl is singing her favorite songs

Her grandma comes in the room and says: ,,Oh, that was you, I thought it was the radio."

Girl: ,,And you came to listen granny!? :D"

,,Naw, I wanted to turn off the radio."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elementary school teacher decided hand out candy and have the students guess what they are...

The teacher explains to the class the game they will be playing; guessing the candy she gives them. The class roars in excitement.


The teacher walks over to a student named Suzie, and hands her a peppermint. The student puts it in her mouth, and without skipping a beat says, "I know thi...

Grandma and grandpa lived in a one room house with their kids so had little "private time".

Grandma said if you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my breast once. If you don't want to make love squeeze it twice. Grandpa said OK if you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my privates once. If you don't want to make love squee...

I’m so proud of my grandma. At 90 years old she attended medical school

She’s a cadaver.

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