The 139+ Best Mom Jokes

My mom kicked me out the house for tickling my little brothers feet

I knew I should’ve waited until he was born

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

Your mom is so old

She has a separate entrance for black guys

I got 50 dollars from my mom...

She told me to take my brother to the movies, but not to bring him home before 6, so they had time to prepare his surprise birthday party.

That's the day I realized he was the favorite twin.

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

Your mom is so ugly...

That the world faked a pandemic just so she has to wear a mask

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How long does it take Putin’s mom to take a shit?

9 Months.

What’s the difference between your mom and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take the meat out.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

Your mom is so fat

Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.

[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?

She said - why would we choose you..

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. T...

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

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I was watching porn and my mom walked in......

I had no idea she was even in that movie!

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

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An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.

her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a prostitute" then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"

Dear son; Your mom and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time. Dad

Dear Dad:

Do not dig in the field. That is where I hid that thing. You know I can not say what it is because they read our mail. Just do not dig out there.

Your son

\----------------------------------------

Dear son:

The cops came out and dug up my fields. They sai...

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.” Confused and extremely worried, I slowly opened the fridge door. The light came on, the beer was cold.

What the hell did she mean?

Mom, I'm dating a man.

\-Whom, sweetheart?

\-Dante the mailman.

\-Dante the mailman? But he could be your father!

\-But mom, age is just a number.

\-Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.

Moms are like coffee

Necessary every damn day.

Mom can I get a motorcycle?

Do you remember what happened to your uncle Louie?

That horrible, awful accident that killed him…

So you don’t want me to buy a motorcycle?

No, you can have his

My mom used to tuck me in when I was young

She wanted a daughter so bad

My friend’s hot mom had a nervous breakdown

It was a serious milfunction

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard.

But I don’t give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd

Mom asks, "Are you going to take me out to a restaurant for Mother's Day?"

Kid replies, "We have food at home"

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

A boy asked his mom "Mom, What is dark humor?"

The mom said to the boy "See that man with no hands? Tell him to clap."

The boy then said to his mom "But mom, you know I'm blind!"

Andy’s Mom in Toy Story probably has toys too.

They may even be called Woody and Buzz.

I try to teach my mom something new everyday.

Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

Why do we have Pop-Tarts and not Mom-Tarts?

Because of the Pastry-archy

What's the difference between your mom and a mosquito?

Your mom doesn't stop sucking when I smack her

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Son: Mom, Dad, I'm Gay

Mom: *stares at dad*

Dad: *clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't"

Dad: *sweats profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "Son, this isn't easy for me and this may take some time to fully accept. But you are my Son, and I love you."

Son: "Thank god. I'm glad this didn't turn out like ...

You’re mom’s so slow...

...that it took her 9 months to make a joke.

My mom died because I couldnt remember her blood type

She kept saying "be positive " but it's going to be hard when she's not around

Daughter: Mom, I have a new boyfriend, our neighbor Joe. Mom: But he could be your father!

Daughter: Age is not that important to me.

Mom: That’s not what I was talking about.

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In Japan, what do you say to your mom when she cooks for you?

I love umami !!

A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.

The little boy said, “Mom what are you doing?”

She said, “Son, your daddy’s stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.”

He said, “ Aw momma you’re wasting your time because when you’re not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!”

I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.

And this is why we need the oxford comma.

A mom was cleaning her son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear & fetish mags.

She asked her husband: “What do we do?” Husband said: “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t spank him!"

My Mom got mad at me for tickling my little brother's feet...

She was all like "Wait until he's born"

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A son goes crying to his mom..

Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

A girl says to her mom, "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe".

Mom says, "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"

And the girl replies, "No, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She just fakes it with Ken."

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little boy walks by his mom's room and sees her fingering herself

She's in front of the mirror saying "I need a man, I need a man"
Weird the boy thinks and goes on about his business.
The next day, the same thing, "I need a man, I need a man"
Bitch is crazy, thinks the boy. Oh well, he goes on about his business.
The third day he walks by and a guy is ...

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Billy's mom comes home. "Billy, what's wrong?" -"Dad hanged himself in the attic!" he said in tears.

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling.
HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"

I told my Mom that a friend at school called her a MILF.

All she could say was “Which friend?”

I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

I told my psychiatrist that I can only get high if I take THC gummies with my mom.

Apparently I have an edible complex.

"Mom, mom, quiz me on capitals please!"

"Okay, what's the capital of Germany?"

"That's easy, Berlin."

"And the capital of France?"

"Berlin"

"And the one of Poland?"

"Also Berlin."

"Good job Adolf, good job!"

Your mom so fat..

Her favorite necklace is the food chain

I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys.

They probably have the same names

The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was,

"Two or three" she said.

I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..

Your mom got fired from the sperm bank

She was drinking on the job

My mom told me I'd never be able to make a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

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A mom walks into her son's room one morning...

Mom: "Wake up, or you'll be late for school."

Son: "I don't want to go to school today!"

M: "Why not?"

S: "Because all the kids hate me!"

M: "But you have to go."

S: "But all the teachers hate me too!!!"

M: "Oh, for crying out loud. Get up! You're 45 year...

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A kid goes to the zoo with his mom one day

They come to the Elephant enclosure. The Elephant is horny for some reason and his dick is fully erect. It catches kid's attention

Kid: *pointing to Elephants dick* - Mom, what is that?

Mom: It's...oh...its nothing. Let's move on.

*Comes with dad a few days later and they stop...

My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

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According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

Why are there pop tarts but not mom tarts?

Because of the Pastryarchy.

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Mom is tired of taking care of Junior, sends him over to the construction site across the street. [NSFW - Language]

As the title says, Mom sends Junior over to hang out at the construction site since she's tired of watching over him...

The boy comes home at the end of the work day and Mom asks, "Well, son, what did you learn today?"

"Well, Mom, I learned a LOT! Like... when you hang a door, if it do...

What's the difference between COVID-19 and your mom?

COVID-19 doesn't spread *nearly* as fast.

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

The teacher wants her students to express their love to their mothers, so she asks them to create a sentence with the phrase "There is only one mom"

Some innocent joke my father told me when I was a child. Not sure if this will make sense in english.

The teacher wants her students to express their love to their mother, so she asks them to create a sentence with the phrase "There is only one mom".

It's the first student's time, and ...

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A boy goes to his Mom and says, “Mom, how come you’re white and I’m black?”

His Mom replies, “Son, the way I remember that party, you’re lucky you don’t fucking bark.”

What did the Indian boy say to his mom when he left for school?

Bombay!

Oops, i mean, Mumbai…

Mom joke

So my mom was in an accident and lost her leg a while back, she recently hit 2 years of sobriety, nice to her getting back on her feet-

A little boy and his mom are at church.

During the long, droning sermon the little boy suddenly starts to feel very queasy. He whispers, "Mom, I think I'm gonna throw up!" She turns to see him looking pale and becomes very anxious, so she whispers, "Quick! Run as fast as you can to the bushes outside the church! If you go now you might ma...

I asked my mom if I can have some of her sleeping pills?

She said

Sure, knock yourself out

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A little girl asks her Mom about the hair she is growing between her legs

The mom calmly replies , " The part where you are growing hair is called a monkey . Be proud that your monkey is growing hair"

This makes the little girl happy and she goes to her big sister and says , "My Monkey is growing hair."

This sister laughs and replies , " That is nothing ,...

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared.

She said, "You can't slap Chris Rock because your wifes got no hair"

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Jewish Mom buys a new apartment

She calls her son once she is moved in and is gushing about what a nice place she has and invites him to come see it.

Of course he agrees so she starts giving him directions on how to get there.

"Once you park, head straight through the courtyard and you'll see a buzzer for the apartm...

My mom would wake up early just to cut the crusts off my sandwiches for lunch….

She knew the crust was my favorite part. She hated me so much.

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where’s mom and dad?"

She replied, "They're up in bed," so the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma the same question. She replied with the same answer and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play....

Mom and Dad go away on vacation

Mom called her son every day to see how everything is going at home.

Her son explains "Hi Mom, mostly fine here - but the cat died on Monday."

Mom was distraught: "How can you break news like this to me so nonchalantly!? Are you a psychopath??"

The son replies "I'm sorry Mom, I ...

Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.

Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better.

Me: But mom, I love her so much!

Mom: I'm talking to her.

My mom pointed at a guy across from our house...

...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."

That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.

This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom.

He said it was the best trade he's ever made

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Your mom joke, but clever

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."

"Okay, that's fine." they replied.

I added, "Your luggage is outside."

“Mom I think I’m adopted!”

Mom: No you’re not Nathan! Why would you say such a thing!?

Nathan: Well, I’ve just got the results back from a DNA test that I did and it says I’ve got no living relatives?!

Mom: This is nonsense, let’s show this to your dad…

Dad *walks in*: Well of course he’s not our son, don...

One time my Mom said, "Put this towel in its place"

So I pointed at it and yelled, "Don't forget you're nothing but a towel."

A Mom and Her Daughter ...

A mom and her daughter were taking a cab across town. On the way, they drove by a couple of ladies of the night, standing on a corner, provocatively dressed and looking for business. The inquisitive little girl asked, “Mom, what are those ladies doing there?” The mom replied, “They’re waiting for a ...

My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.

He really loved that woman.

Cake day joke: a redditor’s mom saw him sitting in the middle of the road, making a post to r/jokes. “What are you doing son?” she asked, appalled by his recklessness. “It’s my cake day, ma” said the redditor. “What does that have to do with being in the road?” his mom asked. The redditor replied….

I want to get hit with that karma.

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I've always wanted to sleep with the stretchy mom from that superhero family movie

It would be fucking Incredible

One day the youngest son asks his mother, "Mom, why do I look so different from all my siblings?"....

The mother says "Son, from what I remember about that party, you are lucky that you don't bark".

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A five year-old kid goes on a trip to the zoo with his Mom

They're passing the elephant house and the female elephants are in season. The bull is aroused. He's walking around trumpeting, displaying his tusks and generally being aggressive. He also has a full-on erection.

The kid spots the weird grey thing swinging around between the bull's rear legs ...

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Jack says “mom I don’t want to go to school today.”

Mom: aww how come?

Jack: The kids bully me. They make fun of me, do pranks on me and they don’t listen to me when I tell them to stop.

Mom: Is that so?

Jack: The teachers ignore me as well. They say that I need to deal with my own problems. They even laugh at me and talk behind...

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?

Mom: No, Never!

Son: Well neither would he!

Mom was very upset when she found a bondage S&M magazine in her son's room.

She showed it to her husband when he got home.

He handed it back to her without a word.

She asked him, "Well, what do we do about this?"

"Well, whatever you do, don't spank him."

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Son - "Mom, don't get scared but I'm calling you from the hospital..."

Mom - "Son you've been a doctor for 4 years, and you still go on with that shit."

What does a bad developer and my mom have in common?

Both pushed a disaster.

For Mother's Day, I bought my mom new beads for her abacus...

It’s the little things that count...

Mom was chatting with her friends.

One of them looked at me and said: look, he has his mother's mouth.

Another one replied: yes, and his father's eyes.

Then another one asked me: do you agree? do you see something else?

I said: yes sure, and his old brother's clothes.

A boy asked his mom: "Before I was born, what did you ask for? boy. or a girl". Mom replied

"towel"

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My wife has a sexy nightgown that I like because it reminds me of one my mom used to have.

I call it her Freudian slip.

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife A Little Girl Picks Up The Phone. "Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?" "I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve." "Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do. Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway."

3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.

"Daddy, I did what you said an...

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I was told that masturbating too much can make me blind (thanks, mom). Then later I overheard that carrots are really good for the eyes.

So now everytime I masturbate I put a carrot up my ass.

My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

Mean mommy joke my mom used to tell me

“Mommy mommy I’m tired of running in circles!”

“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

Joke my mom just told me when I asked her why she never tells any jokes

A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then ...

I asked my mom "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

That probably explains why her marriage failed.

My mom told me, “Son, don’t text and drive. You could die.”

I said, “Mom, don’t worry, I never text when I’m drunk.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid asks his mom, "how was I born?"

The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fuck...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Mom, I’m headed downtown with my friends.

Mom: Not in that short skirt you’re not!

Me: Come on mom! Why not?

Mom: Because I can see your balls James!

A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer.

A great mom turns off the mixer first.

When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.

A mom is walkin with her 7 years old son when...

...suddenly the kid said:

"Mom, what is dark humor?"

The woman thought for a second or two and said:

"Son, you see that guy across the street? The one with both arms missing?"

The boy said:

"How can I see him, Mommy? I am blind!"

A mom decided to clean her teenage boy's room and she discovered a bunch of bondage & S&M gear - whips, handcuffs and stuff. She asked her husband what she should do about it and he replied...

"Probably not spanking him"

There is only one mom

At school, the children were given the topic "There is only one mom" for their homework.

On the second day at school, Daisy reads her homework:

*My mom is good, she takes care of us, looks after us. There is only one such mother.*

Frank reads the homework:

*No mom is as g...

A six-year-old comes crying to his mom...

He's crying because his sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry" said the mom, "your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts".

A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time her daughter is crying and her son says "Now she knows".

Tickled my little sisters foot last night and mom went crazy about it…

Something about waiting until she’s born

Just sued my mom for sending me blanket made by her and her sewing club.

Quilt by Association

I ate my mom...

Se knocked te computer on te ground so now some of te keys on te keyboard aren't working rigt.

When you call your teacher mom, it’s an embarrassing mistake.

When you call one daddy, the man is escorted from the building, and you are now the victim of a crime.

My mom’s new husband gave me his ladder.

It’s now my step ladder.

On Mothers day my churches handed o7t carnations to all the moms

On Father's day they handed out jumper cables. I kept quiet, because I drive an electric car, and didn't want to start anything.

A mom tells her young son to use a condom when doing the deed.

The son replies, “Mom, I’m only 15!”

The mom then says, “And I’m 30.”

Can we please stop with the meta “because she’s dead” punchlines? I’ve been trying to read actual funny jokes from this sub to my mom to cheer her up but she hasn’t laughed at a single one of them.

Because she’s dead.

What’s the difference between the Titanic and your mom?

They know how many men went down on the titanic.

Mom got me the other day.

My mom has never been into jokes, normally she doesn't understand them. Pop loved them, especially dad jokes. He's gone now and moms been sick for 7 months. Oh, and I'm old and single and tell her dad jokes all the time.

Mom, "a woman was here the other day and asked if you were my son, an...

"Mom, before I was born did you want a boy or a girl?"

"I wanted to pickup a fork that fell on the kitchen floor..."

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

My Mom bought me a coffee based hand scrub.

Now I get an erection every time I pass a starbucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Samuel L. Jackson doesn't call his parents Mom and Dad.

He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.

Hey grandpa, do you know that mom said that she will never forgive you because you let me eat a coin and didn't do anything?

She must be nuts if she thinks that I will spend thousands of dollars in a hospital just to get 10 cents back

What did the sailor say when he saw your mom?

LAND HOE

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