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Daughter asks her mother: "Mom, can I go to the movies with my friend?"

"And what kind of movie are you going to watch?" said the mother.

"A Horror movie," the daughter replied

"Well, you can't," said the mother...

"To be all scared and get closer to him in the cinema."

"Well, what about an romantic movie then?" the daughter asked.

"Oh...

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

A little boy asks his mom, “Why do women have balloons on their chest?”

His mom responds, “So when we die we can easily float up to heaven.”

“Then aunt sally must really want to go to heaven.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, the other day she had her balloons out and daddy was blowing them up and she was saying ‘God, I’m coming.’”

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Mom! I'm a 3d printer!

Oh come on, Johnny, close the door when you poop.

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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Two 5 yr old twin brothers are laying in bed one night discussing how to act more grownup around mom and dad.

Suddenly one of the brothers says, "why don't we curse like grownups"? The other brother says, "great idea, what should we say". "I'll curse like daddy and say Aw Hell". "Oooh, good one I'll say You bet your sweet ass like mom says". They decide to surprise their mom the next morning at breakfast an...

Can we ban the “yo momma” jokes from this sub? They’re old, stupid and have been used by everyone hundreds of times.

Just like yo momma.

Mom I'm going to my girlfriends place!

Mom: "Make sure to take condoms with you!"
Son: "Mom, I'm 14."
Mom: "Oh yeah? And I am 28."

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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

Mom: What did you do at school today?

Me: We did a guessing game

Mom: But I thought you had a math exam.

Me: That's right!

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I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

While waiting in line at the entrance to a museum, my 16-year old daughter ran up to my wife and me and said, “Mom, Dad! We need to get a line form!”

Confused, I said “A line form?” She said, “Yes, I think you have to turn it in right over there before you can go in.” She pointed to the entrance.

That’s when I looked and saw the sign that said “Line Forms Here”.

True story. Bonus facts: She’s now a brilliant NICU nurse so she r...

Mom, what's dark humor?

Mom: Well son, you see that man over there with no arms? Go tell him to clap.

Son: But, Mom! I'm blind!

Mom: Exactly.

My mom asked me "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?"

I don't think she understands how bungie jumping works.

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her naked, rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and mo...

My mom always wanted to name her kids with the 4 same letters. There's my two sisters Lana and Nala, and then there's me...

Alan.

My mom runs a car dealership and I am getting my new car from there.

My mom asked me "So will you be writing a cheque?"

I replied "Not today! It's my cake day. I get Free Karma"

Mean mommy joke my mom used to tell me

“Mommy mommy I’m tired of running in circles!”

“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

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Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

What do controllers and your mom have in common?

They both get smashed by COD players

Yo momma is so ugly

Your dad wakes up with morning wouldn’t

If you haven't been to church in a long time, does Jesus treat you like your mom when you sneak home after curfew...?

"***My*** Father and I were worried sick!"

My mom pointed at a guy across from our house...

...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."

That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.

Mom: "I regret getting you that blender for your birthday"

Me: (with liquid toast): Why?

My mom always said you’ve got to commit yourself to make it in this life.

Now I’m posting from the psychiatric ward. Tell momma I made it!

What do really jacked guys and moms have in common?

They are both bodybuilders.

My mom is forcing me out and it's totally unfair...

I've only lived here for 9 months

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.

Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

What’s an example of a palindrome?

Daughter: What's an example of a palindrome?

Dad: Mom.

Daughter: Ugh. Fine. Mom, what's an example of a palindrome?

Mom: Dad.

Daughter: OHMYGOD WHY WON'T YOU GUYS HELP ME

Mom wouldn't let me see the orchestra movie

She said there was too much sax and violins

Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?

She said no one told her to do it.

What do your mom and yo mama jokes have in common?

They're both getting old but are still enjoyed by many.

The pastor and his mom

One Sunday, a mom woke her son up for church, it went like this:

MOM: Son get out of bed, we have church today
SON: Why do I have to go to church, it's the same thing every week
MOM: you still have to go to show you're faithful to God
SON: but that doesn't answer my question
MOM: ...

A mom asks her son "John am I a bad mom?"

And her son says "My name is Paul!"

What did Santa say after seeing my Grandma, Mom and Sister?

Hoe Hoe Hoe

What’s the difference between a camel and your mom?

Only 2 people can ride a camel at a time…

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What is a penis?

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mom calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and asks him, "What ...

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One unfortunate night, a pregnant woman gets shot 3 times in the stomach,

She goes to the doctor and luckily everything was fine. She gave birth to triplets, all healthy. 2 girls and one boy.

......fast forward 15 years later......

One girl rushed to her mother and complained "mom, I was peeing today and a bullet came out" The mother sat her down and explain...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

A little boy asks his mother, "Mom, is it possible to eat electricity?"

The mother says: 'What? Where did you hear that?

The boy replied: "Yesterday I heard Dad say to you, 'Turn off the light and put it in your mouth.'

A young girl asked her mother "mom, when you had me did you want a boy or a girl?

The mother responded "I wanted a backrub".

My mom sent me an article about procrastination.

I think I'll read it later...

My mom asked were I was taking her for Mother’s Day?

I told her we have food at home!

My mom had two conjoined sisters and both of their names were Andra. When they were murdered, I gave up joking.

And mourned my double entendres.

My mom said to follow my dreams

So I went back to bed!

My mom told me she hated me today

She forgot to say April Fools

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Mom, I've lost 2 kilograms and now I'm so worried that I cannot even sleep…

\- Son, don't panic, it's only 2 kilograms, no big deal.

\- Well, there are some Colombians who'd disagree with you mom…

A mom is breastfeeding her baby twins.

One day, one of the twins realized that there is more milk coming from the breast where his twin sibling is feeding on. Because of extreme jealousy, he put poison on that specific breast while everyone is asleep.

The next day, the twins' uncle died.

Your mom is so ugly...

That the world faked a pandemic just so she has to wear a mask

A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.

The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.

Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!

Mother: How were you able to come back home?

Son: I followed the cat.

What do you call Joe Biden's mom

Joe mama

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Dad gets mom a cake for her birthday every year

But for Mother’s Day he gives her a cream pie.

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Fucked your mom

Person A: \*Answers the phone\* "Hello!"

Person B: "I fucked your mom"

Person A: "Dad! That's the third time this day"

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A little boy asked his mom how he was born

Well son, your dad and I took a little seed and planted it in the ground, we watered it and took care of it. After some time a plant grew out of the ground and started to grow leaves and soon the plant grew a sweet little bud. We took the bud and smoked it and we got so high we fucked without a cond...

if you were sandwiched between your parents, and you were an inch deep in your mom, and your dad was an inch deep in you, would you move forward or backward to get out?

interviewer: we meant questions about the job

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

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If I had one million dollars, I'd pay your mom to have sex with me.

Afterward, I would probably invest the remaining nine hundred ninty nine thousand nine hundred ninty nine dollars

Your mom's so slow

that it took her 9 months to make a joke.

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My mom told me that I was conceived in a car

She said it was an internal cum bust, son.

Three kids ask their mom about their unusual names.

The first kid asks, “Why am I named Kitchen Table?” His mom says, “Well sweetie, when you were born the car was out of gas and we couldn’t get to the hospital, so you were born on the kitchen table.”

The second kid asks, “Why am I named Backseat?” Her mom says, “Well honey, when *you* were bo...

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

"I'm getting really worried about my mom," the guy says.

The last few times i visited her she can't remember my name." "Is it Alzheimer's?" his friend asks. "No," the guy says in disgust. "It's Steve."

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My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

My dad got in a HUGE fight with my mom. He accused her of smearing glue on his firearms. She denied it.

But he’s sticking to his guns.

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[NSFW] My mom had a vaginal cyst drained today. She said it was as painful as childbirth.

I asked her how my baby cyst-er is doing.

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I encountered a milf at a bar last night

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little ...

Mom sends her son out to play fetch with the dog. 5 minutes later both the son and the dog are back inside, looking grumpy.

"What happened?" Asks the mom.

"We lost the ball." says the boy.

"Oh no, where?" The dog replies: "Roof, roof"

Stunned, the mother says, "Did the dog just say it's on the roof?"

"No," the boy scoffs. "I mean the ball is up there, but the dumb dog's not talking."

Th...

My mom is officially cancer free!!

So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.

Your mom calls me chalkline

Cause I stretched her tight and left a mark.

My mom who’s a postal worker told me this joke.

A couple arrived at the hospital in labor. The doctors the tell wife and husband about a revolutionary new device. It can give some of the labor pain to the biological father. The couple agreed and as the doctors are turning on the machine. They tell the husband, look this is the worst pain you will...

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

Why is Mom's Spaghetti better than the covid vaccine?

cuz you only get one shot

How to cook sausages

Once upon a time there was a little girl and one day her mommy decided it was time for her to learn how to cook sausages.


So she explains, slowly and patiently:


"You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, and then add the sausages. Keep co...

I told my mom that when I grow up, I want to be a musician.

She said “don’t be silly, you know you can’t do both!”

Miss Joan asks her 3rd grade students what their parents do for a living

Emily happily raises her hand and say : "Daddy's a mechanic and Mommy is a teacher like you !"

Jason then replies : "Well, my dad is a chef and my mom is her accountant"

And so on, every child answers to their best until it is little Billy's turn, who suddenly bursts into tears.
...

Mom, and a little boy are at a shopping center. The boy says: "Mom, i have to pee!"

Mom answers: "Don't say bad words in public places, you can replace the word pee with sing!"
In the evening the boy went to grandma's house because mom had drank too much alcohol. The boy says: "Grandma, i have to sing!" Grandma answers: "Now is too late to sing, but if you absolutely need to, s...

My mom made me a bowl of soup yesterday

Still trying to figure out how to return to my human form.

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Why the fuck would you take them off?!

Mary went home happy, telling her mom about how she earned 20 bucks just by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Mary, they just wanted to see your panties!" Mary replied, "Ah, that's the thing. See Mom, I was smart, so I took them off!"

i showed my mom my D and she was not happy







































she said to go study and come talk to her when i get a A+

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When I was young my mom grounded me for having a file on pc with the name "boobies pics"

I never understood why bird watching was wrong

Growing up my Mom told me to never go to the strip club on the edge of town because I would see things I really shouldn’t see.

As soon as I got a fake ID my friends and I went.

I saw my Mom there.

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework

she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner...

...There was a mom potato, dad potato, and three daughter potatoes. The oldest daughter potato said "I have exciting news! I'm getting married!"

The family bustled with excitement. "We're so happy for you!" said dad potato, "who is the lucky fellow?"

"He's an Idaho potato," said the el...

I asked my mom if I could try to breast feed one more time.

It was a trip down mammary lane.

A guy took his small daughter with him to work one day...

After he introduced all the other employees to her she began to cry. He asked her what the matter was and she said, "You told Mom that you work with a bunch of clowns. Where are they?"

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A teenager got pregnant and the mom asked how it happened.

She said: "You told me that when Mike wants to unbutton my shirt and I don't have protection, I should tell him, 'Don't!'. And if he puts his hand in my pants, I should say, 'Stop!' "

The mom said, "Exactly."

Well, he was undoing the buttons, while his hand was in my pants. So I said,...

After I'm gone...

A woman walked outside a doctor’s office after recently being diagnosed with cancer. She was grieving but tried to compose herself in front of her daughter, who was waiting for her outside.

She broke the news to her daughter by saying, “We women celebrate every news, whether good or bad. I ha...

In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon...

Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).



Both were denied.

This is actually true.

Why wife gets mad because I donate so much money every week to help support single moms.

She says I'm just using it as an excuse to go to the strip club

My Mom was a Radiologist. They met when my Dad came in to get an Xray.

I wonder what she saw in him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What sex position creates the ugliest babies?

I dont know. You should ask your mom.

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

A Mom and Her Daughter ...

A mom and her daughter were taking a cab across town. On the way, they drove by a couple of ladies of the night, standing on a corner, provocatively dressed and looking for business. The inquisitive little girl asked, “Mom, what are those ladies doing there?” The mom replied, “They’re waiting for a ...

A young child tells her mom she was playing "doctor" with another boy in the neighborhood.

Mom is somewhat shocked and curious about what this "doctor play" entailed. She asked her daughter "what did you do?"

The daughter replies "oh nothing. I just sat in the exam room waiting for him to show up, and he ended up charging my insurance twice.

Please can we stop with the ur mom jokes, they are getting really boring and are doing my head in

Just like ur mom

Mom: Can you take out the trash?

Me: Sure. Where do you want to go?

"Mom, mom!! At the school they're calling me Mafioso!!"

"Don't worry my little son, tomorrow mom goes to the school to put an end to this"

"Thanks mom!!! But please make like it was an accident"

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He Looks More Like His Mom...

Why don't they have a Stepfather and Son day at school?

Because the teachers know that there's gonna be a bunch of little bastards running around the classroom

I remember when I was about 13 my mom told me I had to call our Catholic priest “Father”

I said “What do you mean? I been calling him daddy this whole time”

I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today...

His mom got really angry with me...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was working on my quantum physics homework when my mom came barging in...

I switched to porn because it was easier to explain

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200 IQ baby

Father: “Say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “No, say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “Fuck you! Say Daddy!”

Baby: “Fuck you”

*Mother arrives home*

Mother: Honey, I’m back! How’s the baby?

Baby: “Fuck you”

Mother: “What?! Who taught you that a...

A guy meets a pretty hot women in her 50s

She starts chatting him up and then she says you want to have sportsmen double

He asks what is a sportsmen double

She tells him oh its a mother a daughter 3some

He thinks oh well she is hot bet her daughter is super hot

So they go home to her house and she goes Mom you ...

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Me: Mom, this is my girlfriend

Mom: Do you actually want to date this useless piece of shit?


Me: Ma, she is a very nice person!


Mom: I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to my parents over dinner, my Mom said she was getting tired of the Bernie Sanders memes.

I looked over to her and said "Don't worry, this trend will Bern out soon."

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Billy was the first person in his small town to go to college.

After he’d been there a few weeks, he lost all his money at a fraternity card game. He thought about his options and had an idea.

His father had just written him to ask how things were going. Billy wrote back and said, “Dad, you won’t BELIEVE what they can do at this school! They can teach...

My mom said that I should stop looking at the sun

I, personally, don't see any problem with that.

I finally listened to my mom, and took the road less traveled.

I totally missed all the signs about the freeway still being under construction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hyper religious mom finds her son's condom

Mom: I can't believe this. I raise you expecting that you'd be abstinent, but now you're having sex with girls when you're a teenager?

Son: No, that's not true. I'm not even the one who used it.

Mom: Oh... Wait what?

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