The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was,

"Two or three" she said.

I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..

I remember when Mom used to tuck me in

She really wanted a daughter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Samuel L. Jackson doesn't call his parents Mom and Dad.

He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.

Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?

**Joseph: [pulls up a chair]** yea Mary, where DO babies come from?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Billy's mom comes home. "Billy, what's wrong?" -"Dad hanged himself in the attic!" he said in tears.

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling.
HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Mom said I should marry the first person I had sex with [nsfw]

I said "Mom, nobody wants to marry their Boy Scout Troop Leader"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

"So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their inte...

"Daddy, where did Bambi's mom go after she died?"

"Venice, son."

What does a nuclear reactor and your mom have in common?

I wouldn't enter either one without protection.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I caught my mom recording my gf and I having sex...

Thankfully it was on timelapse so she only got 1 frame.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party

That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day my mom knocked the bathroom's door asking why i was taking so much time in there

I said: I'm jerking off and smoking pot!




And she was like: thank God. I tought you were wasting water.

Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.

Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better.

Me: But mom, I love her so much!

Mom: I'm talking to her.

*mom* Did you stand there while I fell over while I dropped all the laundry

*me*. Yea I saw it all unfold

My mom told me to take the spider out instead of killing him

I took him out. we had a few drinks. He's a web designer.

Mom, I'm dating a man.

\-Whom, sweetheart?

\-Dante the mailman.

\-Dante the mailman? But he could be your father!

\-But mom, age is just a number.

\-Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.

"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"

"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

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My favourite sex position is called “WOW”

It’s where I flip your MOM over

My mom has a brother named Bob

All of my life I never understood why so many people felt they needed to tell me he's my uncle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

Little John asks mom:

"Can I get cookies?". "Yes you can, but you must wash your hands" - says mom. "Mom! But I don't have hands!". "There will be no cookies then!" - politely says mum.

I got a massive erection while I was giving the eulogy at my mom's funeral.

I had real bad mourning wood.

My mom loves me so much she thinks I'm made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, and carbon.

She's always calling me Au Ti S Ti C.

Mom said drugs are my enemies..

But Christ said love your enemies.

Mom! Mom! In school they say am clueless!

Sorry kid, your home is across the street.

A mom asks a doctor "How's my son?" the doctor answers "He's all right"

\-Great, I thought something bad happened.

\-It did, we had to amputate his left arm and left leg, so now he's ALL right.

A kids mom is starting to get old

The kid asks his mom: Mommy, why are some of your hairs white?

The mom answers: For every dumb thing you do one of my hairs turn white.

The kid than says: Ohhhhhhhh, so that’s why grandmas hair is so white.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Growing up my mom was worried I get into sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

At least she got the drugs and rock and roll part right.

"Mom, I don't like my brother anymore"

"Shut up and keep eating what I put on the table"

A tired mom is in the kitchen...

Mom: Will you set the table for dinner?

Son: Can I do it after dinner?

Mom: Sure.

A kid asks their Mom why they exist

“Mommy why did you and Daddy have me?“

And the Mom replies “Daddy doesn’t like using single use plastics.”

The best thing about opening presents signed by "mom and dad"

Is the fact that my dad is just as surprised about what's in there as I am

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kid: Yur moms gay!

Other kid: Really? If you're so sure, which one?


(First joke, I hope it's okay)

When I was in 2nd grade, my dog Brick was hit by a car and killed, and my mom tried to console me. She said, "He's probably already in Heaven with God."

I said, "Why would God want a dead dog?"

My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms

and it hertz alot.

Mom: So where are you taking me for Mother's day?

Me: We have food at home.

I’m from Pittsburgh, originally — and just hang out with my mom for a little bit, you know?

Wanted to go home and hang out with her for a little bit, you know, help her out, cheer her up. But all my mom cares about now is the lottery and me running errands for her. Like, every day. Every day, it’s, “Anthony, go play my numbers. Go play my numbers, please. I don’t want to miss out today.” F...

The other day I told my mom I was writing an autobiography...

She said for dramatics I should kill off the main character, I don’t think she realized it was an autobiography...

Andy's mom's toys have the same names

Woody and buzz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know that awkward moment when you're cumming and your mom starts calling you?

Me neither, when I masturbate I normally am the one who calls out her name.

What did the baby say to his military mom after she gave birth to him?

Thank you for your cervix

What’s the difference between me and your mom?

One’s a really nice lady and the other one is me.

NSFW: what do your mom and a nascar driver have in common?

They both burn 4 rubbers a day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Your mom" jokes are getting old so here's a "your dad" joke to shake things up.

Your dad is so horny that he called 911 to ask for a police escort.

I don't know why my mom's throwing Stephen King's novels at me.

IT just hit me.

What do you get when you mix your mom and dad?

A divorce

A kid is with his mom at the checkout lane at a store...

All of a sudden a fat guy gets in line, so huge he can barely squeeze his way through the lane. The kid starts tugging on his mom's shirt and loudly exclaims "mommy mommy look there's a fat guy!" And the mother quickly hushes the child.

Then some time goes by, and the fat guy has an alarm se...

Mom Joke

Mom had developed a new one, the Mom Joke

Mom: She’s a psychic medium. Is there a psychic small and a psychic large?

I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked, "Why are you home so early?"

He answered, "Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class." She said, "Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?"
Jimmy replied, "The question was 'Who threw the trash can at the principal's head?'"

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....



Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to w...

My mom has been giving me tons of these kinds of jokes, here goes

What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?

A chicken-tender!

Whenever I tell her I'm gonna put them on reddit she gets so excited, so I'm gonna keep posting them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son : Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a Virgin.

Son : Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a Virgin.


Mom: Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop.

What's dark humor?

A boy asks his mom: "Hey, mom, what is dark humor?"

"See that disabled man over there?" She says

"But mom, I'm blind"


"Exactly, honey"

My mom came into my room and told me by the grace of god she was pregnant

I've never felt so holy in my entire life

What's the difference between your mom and a laundromat washer?

The washer doesn't take loads for free.

My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom

Now my father hates her.

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom

Johnny: mom, I'm bored I want to do something.

Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street? Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something.

So Johnny does what his mom told him and spends all day across the street. He...

Your mom is so American...

She saw her shadow and called the cops

Anti-vax mom: Doctor, my baby won't stop crying!

Doctor: He's just going through a mid-life crisis.

My mom’s favorite Christmas joke: ”Knock knock...”

Who’s there?
“Centipede”
Centipede who?
“Centipede under the Christmas tree!”

Most important mom rule

Sleep:

when the baby sleeps

Fold laundry:

when the baby folds laundry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just found out my mom is a prostitute, and I'm disgusted

That she doesn't do family discount

my pregnant mom:

my dad: boo

baby me comes out

my mom: honey u scared the s*** outta me

Son: “Mom, how do you feel about abortion?”

Mom: “Ask your sister.”

Son: “I don’t have a sis-“

You know what a helicopter mom is?

Well I have a Malaysia flight mom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son's bedroom.

Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him.

Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your MOM has flipped"

Me: "WOW"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

Mom why you are white, dad is black but I look asian?

Sweetheart, with all that happen that night is already good enough that you don't bark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad: Say daddy

Baby: Mommy.

Dad: No. Say daddy.

Baby: Mommy.

Dad: Fuck! Say daddy!

Baby: Fuck!

Dad: What did you say?

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: I'm home!

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: What? Where did you hear that?

Baby: Daddy.

Your mom is so dumb

She got hit by a parked car.

Anti-Vaxxer moms are the true unsung angels.

They are the key for solving overpopulation.

What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?

They don’t give shots to babies.

Dad, what was the best birthday gift mom ever gave you?

\- It was you, my son.

\- But dad I wasn't born on your birthday, my birthday is exactly 3 months before yours.

\- Exactly

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church?

**Uber:** sure

**me:** Cool, I’ll cancel the hearse.

A man got mocked and bullied all of his life because he had a girl’s name.

He got married and was so happy that someone treated him normally.

His wife had a baby girl, who she named Love, in honor of their love and his unique name.

She was also mocked and bullied at school.

One day she couldn’t take it anymore. Love shot her dad in the chest and scre...

Your mom is so fat

Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.

[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Blonde Phone Call to Mom

Hi Mom, it's me.
"Hi Sally, are you okay?
I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware store, looking for a drill."

"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and that's why I'm calling you."

"Oh my god, what happened?"

"Oh, I punch...

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in

The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"

Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".

The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupi...

Miss Piggy called her mom

"Hi mom, I would've called you sooner but I had a frog in my throat"

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

My moms sister is Anti-abortion

It’s a bit of a cruel nickname but she has had 5 of them.

Disney just announced a new show for D+ about a time-traveling soccer mom

It’s called The Vandalorian

Everytime I do something stupid, my dad stares at my mom like

He wants a refund.

Little Billy came home from school to see

the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son...

My mom always refused to tell me I was her favorite child, and insisted she didn't believe in choosing a favorite.

Which was really hurtful since I don't have any siblings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bully: I bet your dick is a size of a tic tac

The quiet kid: That's why your mom's breath smells so good

I told my mom i had made a bike out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I rode straight pasta

Me : Alexa where is my dad?

Alexa : Your dad is at a strip club in Las Vegas

Me : Haha! gotcha alexa my dad is right next to me

Alexa : Your mom's husband is next to you, your dad is at a strip club.

What do you call a person who takes care of chickens?

A chicken tender

My mom came up with this and told me to post it so tell me if you enjoy it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW

### NSFW A man goes to the doctor to get birth control pills for his daughter

Doctor: Oh, is she sexually active?


Man: No, she just lays there like her mom

I asked my mom if she ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?

She said that rings a bell

My mom told me about how Santa’s job is to give me a gift once a year and then not come back again for another year

I was just wondering why my dad changed his name to Santa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Mom and my Girlfriend have the same name and it sucks cuz everytime we have sex

I think about my girlfriend.

Mom meet my girlfriend

Me: mom let me introduce you to my girlfriend.

Mom: you could not find anything better?

Me: Let me be, I love her.

Mom: Shut up! I am speaking to her.

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom and dad are stars on pornhub.

Can't wait to see their faces when they find out.

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