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Mom Jokes

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

Your mom is so ugly...

That the world faked a pandemic just so she has to wear a mask

My mom kicked me out the house for tickling my little brothers feet

I knew I should’ve waited until he was born

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One day, Billy's teacher asked him, " I heard your mom had a baby. What did she have?"

Billy paused and thought for a moment and said, "I think she had a bicycle."

"Now Billy, you know that your mom didn't have a bicycle. What did she have?"

"Maybe it was a tricycle."

"Billy, don't stand there and lie to me. We're going to the principal's office right now!"
...

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An Irish girl tells her mom she decided to be a prostitute.

her mom says "A WHAT"?!! The daughter says "a prostitute" then the mom says "thank god... I thought you said a Protestant"

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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

I try to teach my mom something new everyday.

Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

Daughter: "Mom, I'm dating the neighbor"

Mother: "But he could be your father..."

Daughter: "Age doesn't count for me, Mom!"

Mother:" I don't think you understand..."

Mom, I'm dating a man.

\-Whom, sweetheart?

\-Dante the mailman.

\-Dante the mailman? But he could be your father!

\-But mom, age is just a number.

\-Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.

Moms are like coffee

Necessary every damn day.

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ?

She said - why would we choose you..

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

My mom’s new husband gave me his ladder.

It’s now my step ladder.

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How long does it take Putin’s mom to take a shit?

9 Months.

I got 50 dollars from my mom...

She told me to take my brother to the movies, but not to bring him home before 6, so they had time to prepare his surprise birthday party.

That's the day I realized he was the favorite twin.

Your mom is so old

She has a separate entrance for black guys

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Jewish Mom buys a new apartment

She calls her son once she is moved in and is gushing about what a nice place she has and invites him to come see it.

Of course he agrees so she starts giving him directions on how to get there.

"Once you park, head straight through the courtyard and you'll see a buzzer for the apartm...

Your mom is so fat

Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.

[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she's missed her period...

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom
that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes
to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the
mother says, "Who was the pig that did...

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type.

As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

A boy asked his mom "Mom, What is dark humor?"

The mom said to the boy "See that man with no hands? Tell him to clap."

The boy then said to his mom "But mom, you know I'm blind!"

Joke my mom just told me when I asked her why she never tells any jokes

A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying: "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then ...

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

"Mom, mom, quiz me on capitals please!"

"Okay, what's the capital of Germany?"


"That's easy, Berlin."


"And the capital of France?"


"Berlin"


"And the one of Poland?"


"Also Berlin."


"Good job Adolf, good job!"

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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. T...

Mom can I get a motorcycle?

Do you remember what happened to your uncle Louie?

That horrible, awful accident that killed him…

So you don’t want me to buy a motorcycle?



No, you can have his

Mom was chatting with her friends.

One of them looked at me and said: look, he has his mother's mouth.

Another one replied: yes, and his father's eyes.

Then another one asked me: do you agree? do you see something else?

I said: yes sure, and his old brother's clothes.

A mom tells her young son to use a condom when doing the deed.

The son replies, “Mom, I’m only 15!”

The mom then says, “And I’m 30.”

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I was watching porn and my mom walked in......

I had no idea she was even in that movie!

My friend’s hot mom had a nervous breakdown

It was a serious milfunction

What’s the difference between your mom and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn’t fart when you take the meat out.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

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Son: Mom, Dad, I'm Gay

Mom: *stares at dad*

Dad: *clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't"

Dad: *sweats profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "Son, this isn't easy for me and this may take some time to fully accept. But you are my Son, and I love you."

Son: "Thank god. I'm glad this didn't turn out like ...

A mom is walkin with her 7 years old son when...

...suddenly the kid said:

"Mom, what is dark humor?"

The woman thought for a second or two and said:

"Son, you see that guy across the street? The one with both arms missing?"

The boy said:

"How can I see him, Mommy? I am blind!"

Just sued my mom for sending me blanket made by her and her sewing club.

Quilt by Association

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

A girl tells her mom she’s dating the guy next door

The mom’s like “you can’t date him he could be your dad”

And the daughter is like “so there’s an age difference who cares”

“I think you misunderstood me”

You’re mom’s so slow...

...that it took her 9 months to make a joke.

Andy’s Mom in Toy Story probably has toys too.

They may even be called Woody and Buzz.

My mom used to tuck me in when I was young

She wanted a daughter so bad

Why do we have Pop-Tarts and not Mom-Tarts?

Because of the Pastry-archy

"I'm getting really worried about my mom," the guy says.

The last few times i visited her she can't remember my name." "Is it Alzheimer's?" his friend asks. "No," the guy says in disgust. "It's Steve."

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

My dad got in a HUGE fight with my mom. He accused her of smearing glue on his firearms. She denied it.

But he’s sticking to his guns.

What did the sailor say when he saw your mom?

LAND HOE

What's the difference between your mom and a mosquito?

Your mom doesn't stop sucking when I smack her

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered "Who?"

"Your daughter"

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

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A son goes crying to his mom..

Son: "Mom, all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

The worst thing about having an affair with your mom...

She's so fat, even if I'm with her all the time, I can never know if she's seeing someone else on the side.

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So a mom hears her son playing with trains....

And she heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "...

A little boy caught his mom riding his dad.

The little boy said, “Mom what are you doing?”

She said, “Son, your daddy’s stomach is too big so I sit on top to flatten it out.”

He said, “ Aw momma you’re wasting your time because when you’re not here the lady next door gets on her knees and blows it back up!”

Today I asked my mom what she did for a living, she replied "I'm a headmaster".

To which my dad replied "yeah she is"

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An amish girl and her mom are riding home in a horse drawn carriage

Daughter: "Mom, my hands are so cold."

Mother: "Stick your hands between your legs and your body heat will keep them warm."

So the daughter does this and she is amazed how warm her hands got. So the next night she is with her boyfriend running errands:

Boyfriend: "Wow, it is col...

Teenager's Mom is worried that her daughter has been skipping Sunday School

Mom: Now then Barbara why have you not been attending Sunday School?

Barbara: Because its boring and I don't learn anything.

Mom: That's ridiculous, you can a lot about life, for example do you know who made you?

Barbara: Originally or recently?

My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony?

One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham

Mom asks, "Are you going to take me out to a restaurant for Mother's Day?"

Kid replies, "We have food at home"

Mom joke

So my mom was in an accident and lost her leg a while back, she recently hit 2 years of sobriety, nice to her getting back on her feet-

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

My mom went mental at me for tickling my little brother's feet today -

something about waiting until he's born?...

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Billy's mom comes home to see him crying...

Billy, what's wrong son?

Dad hanged himself in the attic! replied Billy, "eyes in tears".

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.

As she gets up to the attic she notices that nothing is there and little Billy started giggling...

HaHaHa! ...

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A boy goes to his Mom and says, “Mom, how come you’re white and I’m black?”

His Mom replies, “Son, the way I remember that party, you’re lucky you don’t fucking bark.”

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

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In Japan, what do you say to your mom when she cooks for you?

I love umami !!

My mom is officially cancer free!!

So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.

A girl says to her mom, "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe".

Mom says, "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"

And the girl replies, "No, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She just fakes it with Ken."

I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys.

They probably have the same names

Your mom got fired from the sperm bank

She was drinking on the job

The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was,

"Two or three" she said.

I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard.

But I don’t give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd

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A kid goes to the zoo with his mom one day

They come to the Elephant enclosure. The Elephant is horny for some reason and his dick is fully erect. It catches kid's attention

Kid: *pointing to Elephants dick* - Mom, what is that?

Mom: It's...oh...its nothing. Let's move on.

*Comes with dad a few days later and they stop...

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little boy walks by his mom's room and sees her fingering herself

She's in front of the mirror saying "I need a man, I need a man"
Weird the boy thinks and goes on about his business.
The next day, the same thing, "I need a man, I need a man"
Bitch is crazy, thinks the boy. Oh well, he goes on about his business.
The third day he walks by and a guy is ...

Why are there pop tarts but not mom tarts?

Because of the Pastryarchy.

Me: Mom meet my girlfriend.

Mom: You sure about this? I think you deserve better.

Me: But mom, I love her so much!

Mom: I'm talking to her.

What's the difference between COVID-19 and your mom?

COVID-19 doesn't spread *nearly* as fast.

I told my Mom that a friend at school called her a MILF.

All she could say was “Which friend?”

A boy comes out with a girl and tells mom he is marrying her..

The mother says 'you can find someone better, why would you wanna ruin your life with it'.....
'mom, don't say it like that, she will get hurt' says the son.

Mom says 'i wasn't talking to you, son'

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Your mom joke, but clever

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

My mom said my sister was doing the turkey.

I thought, “That’s not a very nice thing to call her son-in-law.”

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving!

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According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

Jewish mothers, right?

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your fa...

I told my psychiatrist that I can only get high if I take THC gummies with my mom.

Apparently I have an edible complex.

I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.

And this is why we need the oxford comma.

There is only one mom

At school, the children were given the topic "There is only one mom" for their homework.

On the second day at school, Daisy reads her homework:

*My mom is good, she takes care of us, looks after us. There is only one such mother.*

Frank reads the homework:

*No mom is as g...

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A mom walks into her son's room one morning...

Mom: "Wake up, or you'll be late for school."

Son: "I don't want to go to school today!"

M: "Why not?"

S: "Because all the kids hate me!"

M: "But you have to go."

S: "But all the teachers hate me too!!!"

M: "Oh, for crying out loud. Get up! You're 45 year...

A mom was cleaning her son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear & fetish mags.

She asked her husband: “What do we do?” Husband said: “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t spank him!"

I got in one little fight and my mom got scared.

She said, "You can't slap Chris Rock because your wifes got no hair"

A Mom and Her Daughter ...

A mom and her daughter were taking a cab across town. On the way, they drove by a couple of ladies of the night, standing on a corner, provocatively dressed and looking for business. The inquisitive little girl asked, “Mom, what are those ladies doing there?” The mom replied, “They’re waiting for a ...

Mom and Dad go away on vacation

Mom called her son every day to see how everything is going at home.

Her son explains "Hi Mom, mostly fine here - but the cat died on Monday."

Mom was distraught: "How can you break news like this to me so nonchalantly!? Are you a psychopath??"

The son replies "I'm sorry Mom, I ...

I ate my mom...

Se knocked te computer on te ground so now some of te keys on te keyboard aren't working rigt.

My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mom's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

My mom asked me how to make dill bread

For some reason she wasn't happy when I told her to use a dill dough...

A boy asked his mom: "Before I was born, what did you ask for? boy. or a girl". Mom replied

"towel"

Mom's birthday gifts

3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday.

The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well."

Jeremy, the se...

My mom pointed at a guy across from our house...

...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."

That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.

“Mom I think I’m adopted!”

Mom: No you’re not Nathan! Why would you say such a thing!?

Nathan: Well, I’ve just got the results back from a DNA test that I did and it says I’ve got no living relatives?!

Mom: This is nonsense, let’s show this to your dad…

Dad *walks in*: Well of course he’s not our son, don...

First kid: What's your Mom's and Dad's names?

First kid: What's your Mom's and Dad's names?

Second kid: Laughing and Smiling

First kid: You're Kidding

Second kid: No, that's my sister. I'm Joking.

A girl come home from kindergarten and talks to mom:

\- Mommy, our teacher never saw a horse in her life!

\- Why do you say that, sweetie?

\- I drew a horse in class, and she didn't know what it is.

This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom.

He said it was the best trade he's ever made

My mom told me I'd never be able to make a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

A little boy and his mom are at church.

During the long, droning sermon the little boy suddenly starts to feel very queasy. He whispers, "Mom, I think I'm gonna throw up!" She turns to see him looking pale and becomes very anxious, so she whispers, "Quick! Run as fast as you can to the bushes outside the church! If you go now you might ma...

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare ...

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

I asked my mom "How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

That probably explains why her marriage failed.

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My mom asked if I was OK with hamburgers for dinner, and I felt bad for the cows.

I said "I at least don't want to eat the *nice* cows. Is there a way to only eat the assholes?" She replied "Hot dogs it is!"

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A kid asks his mom, "how was I born?"

The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fuck...

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

I recently found out my mom has a disturbing fetish. She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.

The victims contacted me while playing CoD.

Mean mommy joke my mom used to tell me

“Mommy mommy I’m tired of running in circles!”

“Shut up or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!”

Mom, Am I adopted?

Son: Mom, Am I adopted?
Mom: Nuh, you think we would have chosen you?

Your mom

Your mamas so stupid she studied for the covid-19 test

A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer.

A great mom turns off the mixer first.

One time my Mom said, "Put this towel in its place"

So I pointed at it and yelled, "Don't forget you're nothing but a towel."

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They're disgusted by his haircut, tattoos, and piercings. Later, when he leaves, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

Sending a message to mom

A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland.

When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims,

\- "I don’t have any money... but I’ll do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!"

To that the man asks,
...

Mom got me the other day.

My mom has never been into jokes, normally she doesn't understand them. Pop loved them, especially dad jokes. He's gone now and moms been sick for 7 months. Oh, and I'm old and single and tell her dad jokes all the time.

Mom, "a woman was here the other day and asked if you were my son, an...

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

For Mother's Day, I bought my mom new beads for her abacus...

It’s the little things that count...

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a...

What do you call Joe Biden's mom

Joe mama

When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo

I had to put my foot down.

Mom, what is a girlfriend?

Mom, what is a girlfriend?

When you grow up, you will know.

Can I have one?

Yes, when you grow up and be a good boy, you'll have a girlfriend.

What if I become a bad boy?

You' ll have many.

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Mom, Dad, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom........ I’m gay.

Coming out is harder in a Fundamentalist Mormon family.

"Mom I have started dating our neighbour..."

"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom.

Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!"

"I wasn't talking about his age!"

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The redhead mom, the brunette mom, and the blonde mom.

There are three moms. A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed."
They comfort her, and the redhea...

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Son - "Mom, don't get scared but I'm calling you from the hospital..."

Mom - "Son you've been a doctor for 4 years, and you still go on with that shit."

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Mom! I'm a 3d printer!

Oh come on, Johnny, close the door when you poop.

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Mom is tired of taking care of Junior, sends him over to the construction site across the street. [NSFW - Language]

As the title says, Mom sends Junior over to hang out at the construction site since she's tired of watching over him...

The boy comes home at the end of the work day and Mom asks, "Well, son, what did you learn today?"

"Well, Mom, I learned a LOT! Like... when you hang a door, if it do...

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