A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

Kid asks mom "Mom, what is dark humor?"

Mom: "See that man over there with no arms? Ask him to clap"

Kid: "But mom I'm blind"

Mom: "Exactly"

Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...

I asked my mom if she ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?

She said that rings a bell

A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer.

A great mom turns off the mixer first.

My mom told me Jesus died on a Royal Caribbean ship, but my priest said he died on a cross.

Was that cruise a fiction?

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact she wasn't bad at all! I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I'd ever had a "Sportsmans Double". "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and da...

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This baby polar bear is walking around on the glaciers with his mom...

...and he asks her “mom, am I 100% polar bear?” Mom is taken back a bit, but reassures him “my parents and my parents parents were 100% polar bear, so you are also”.

The baby finds his dad devouring a seal and asks him “dad am I 100% polar bear?” Dad is taken back a bit, but reassures hi...

I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid...

Man she really wanted a daughter.

My mom and dad were both dwarfs

All their lives they struggled to put food on the table

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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

Your mom looks like a sewer....

Because her needlework is on point <3<3<3

Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo mama

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her daughter walks in. The daughter asks, “Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?”

Her mother replies, “I’ll show you”, and taps hard on the kitchen counter.

Somewhat confused, the daughter says, “Someone’s at the door!”.

The mother laughs. “This is why people think we’re stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door.”

A child asked his mom what dark humour was. She said “You see that man in the wheelchair? Ask him to do stand-up comedy.”

The child answered “But mom, I’m blind!”

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

My mom is a sunni, my dad is a shia

I'm sushi.

What does a nuclear power plant and your mom have in common?

I wouldn't enter either one without protection.

a Mother has three children.

One day, her first child comes along and asks:
"Mom, why is my name Flower?"
The mom replies:
"Because, when you were born, a flower fell on your head."

Her second child, Twig, comes along and asks:
"Mom, why is my name Twig?"
The mom replies:
"Because, when you were born, a...

Son - Mom, I dont feel like going to school today. The kids are too loud, unruly and mean.

Mom - Remember now, you are the headmaster of the school.

"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

A Guy's Mom Comes to Have Dinner at His Apartment

She notices that his female roommate is very attractive, and drops a few hints to him, wondering if they are more than just roommates. He assures her this is not the case. Dinner and the visit conclude, and mom goes home.

The next day, his roommate notices that their large silver serving spo...

Your mom is so fat..

Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.

I wonder if my mom still remembers how to slap me into next week

I could use my paycheck early.

A 16 y/o boy asks his mom if he can go bungee jumping

His mom's answer: "No, you were born of broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"

My mom always said I'd never accomplish anything other than being born.

To be fair to her, that was my crowning achievement.

" hey dad, I wanna date the girl next door what do you think?" Said the son, "no you can't!, don't tell this to your mom but, that girl is your sister" replied the father

Son: "What about the girl across the street".
Dad:"unfortunately son, that is also your sister".
Son: "how about the girl that works in the bakery down street".
Dad: " I'm really sorry son but, she's also your sister".

So the son gets frustrated and, goes to his mom to complain about...

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Kid : mom, how come you are white and I'm black ?

Mom : if I can vaguely remember the things I did in that rave party, just be thankful that you are not barking!!!

Kids ask their mother how they were named

1st Child: Mom, how was I named?

Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a lily fell on your head. So we named you Lily.

Lily: That’s so cool!

2nd Child: Mom, how was I named?

Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hosp...

A mom ask her dauhgter

Mom-if a stranger comes up to you and said "I'm your moms friend she told me to pick you up"what would you say?

Kid-i'd say "your lying mom has no friends"

Mom-not where i was going but ok....

THE LAST TIME I WAS IN A WOMAN I WAS IN MY MOM

Now she is pregnant.

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"Mom, all the kids in my class make fun of me because I'm still a virgin."

"Johnny, just start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

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The therapists asked me "So, you were saying you hear voices..."

me: Yes

therapist: how often?

mom: Who are you talking to?

me: I'm talking to my therapist, mom

mom: What therapist? You've been holed up in that room all day long!

therapist: You still live with your mother?

me: No, sir, I live alone.

My mom think's i'm insecure, but y'all don't think that, right?

right? RIGHT?

I'm not trying to get technical on you Mom, BUT.....

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

...according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution..

Baby snake asks his mom

“Are we venomous?”

Mom: “yes we are. Why do you ask?”

“I just bit my tongue.”

Irish girl comes home from college and says “Mom! I got me a case of VD!”

Her mom replies “Put it in the fridge, your father will drink anything!”

When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point.

She was shocked I wasn’t a period.

My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

What is the difference between cancer and my Mom?

My Dad didn’t beat cancer.


RIP mom and dad

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[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history

It’s full of s&m porn.

Mom says: well what are we going to do?

Dad says: what do you mean?

Mom says: well.. we can’t *spank* him.

Dad : “I need to call the doctor today.” Mom : “Which doctor?”

Dad : “No, the regular kind.”

Tickled my little sister's foot this morning. Mom went crazy about it.

Something about waiting until she's born.

My mom got part of her colon removed.

Now she has a semicolon!

My mom always did the laundry at 5AM, while it was still dark. I never understood why....

but then it dawned on me.

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What's similar between a pregnant 14 year old and the fetus inside her?

They're both thinking "oh shit, my mom's gonna kill me"

Little Billy's mom took him to the grocery store.

In the middle of the cereal aisle little Billy yelled out "Mom I have to PEE!"

All the other women smirked and looked judgementally at Billy's mom as her face turned red as a tomato. She pulled her son close.

"Listen little Billy, I never want you to say that again. Next time you need ...

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a

relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....



Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she starte...

Mom asked me where I'm taking her to go out to eat for mother's day.

I told her, "We already have food in the house".

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I’m going to fuck your mom

Nevermind the line was to long

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My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

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Son: Mom....Dad.....I'm gay

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: ....Clenches fists

Mom: ....Don't !

Dad: .....Sweats profusely

Mom: .....DON'T !!

Dad: HI GAY, I'M DAD !

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I have two moms, one of them rides a bike to work and the other goes by car.

Bike ma is usually nice to me, but car ma's a bitch.

Mom Burn

Taken off of Twitter:



*My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.*

*Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.*

*Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.*

*I’m going to nee...

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I accidentally called my mom an asshole

and now i feel like a piece of shit.

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A girl wants to come out of the closet as gay, but is afraid of what her parents will think. She decides to tell them, so she says, “Mom, Dad,”

“I’m allergic to nuts”

My mom said she'd beat me if I ever went back to hook-up with my ex.

Out of spite, I went back to hook-up with my ex anyway, but alas -- she really had beaten me to it.

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Pussy and Bitch

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."

She says, "Tell me."

He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand.

She asks him what they are?

He says, "Well, pussy and bitch."

She says, "Oh that's no bi...

My mom recently had to have an amputation done. The doctors said I could watch, but would have to pay an outrageous fee!

Really, it would've costed an arm and a leg!

When my mom remarried, life got better, but the Dad Jokes got even worse...

He always takes puns one step father.

“Just put the jelly in the refrigerator” my mom yelled

“There’s not enough room” I responded as I tried to jam it in

The hardest part honestly of me being a single stay at home mom

is probably the fact that I'm a 28 year old man with no children

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

Why didn't your mom want to get on the airplane.

She once heard pigs can't fly and an elephant never forgets

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MY MOM: Why have you always wanted to be a couples therapist?

ME: Twice the money as a normal therapist!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a mom made a bowl of salad for her son

Son scowls and said: "Mommy I told you I hate salad!" then proceeds to throw the bowl of salad to the ground.

Mom angrily responds: "Oh you salad tosser!"

My mom became a man, and now I can’t see her anymore

She’s trans parent

A hideous little orc is in the kingdom's capital, looking to acquire medicine for his sick mom.

Nobody can stand the sight of him, with some even threatening violence of he doesn't leave.
He finds and alchemist's medicine shop at the market and tells him about his mother's illness.

"Ah, but of course!" says the alchemist, "It's clearly a case of Sakiara Fever. It's not very common at...

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What does the mom say when she catches her son with multiple personality disorder in the middle of masturbating?

Stop playing with yourselves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom told me that her and her boyfriends sex life wasn't that good...

Guess hes a bad mother fucker

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This child was having diarrhea and asked his mom for some viagra

Mom asks "What? Why would you want to take Viagra?" Her son says "Because daddy says it makes his shit hard"

I recently told my mom that I have a very bad memory.

Or did I?

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A kid asks his mom, "How was I born?"

The mother replies, "Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. After a while the plant had a sweet aromatic bud. We took the bud and s...

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Young Virgin Couple

A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it.

Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.

"Pop, what do I do first?"

"Get naked and climb into bed," his fath...

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I got an mp3 player for my birthday. But this group of shitheads at school decided to break it. So my mom bought me an mp4 player. Same group of shitheads broke it. So I brought an mp5, but the school confiscated that.

Tomorrow I'm bringing an MP7

My grandma talking to my mom about her new hearing aid,”its the most expensive one you can buy it,it cost me $5000.” My Mum: ”what kind is it?”

My grandma : “its 4:15 pm darling..”

My mom said she wouldn’t even put me in an animation movie

Because i’d be rendered useless

My mom says PETA is like a box of chocolates

It kills dogs ..

My mom called and told me granpa is now somewhere over the rainbow and gone to his glory.

Yeah, I saw him on the news - he had a hell of a Pride parade.

My mom is throwing a party

Mom: I invited Steve to the party

Me: Which Steve? Cannibal Steve or Steve that can’t spell?

*gets a text*

Steve: I can’t wait to meat your mom tonight

Mom: I’m not sure

Father and his special daughter are driving back to her mom's.

Father drives past a sign "7/11"
Daughter yells with excitement "Hotdog! Ice-creams"
Father says " ok we can get a hotdog"
He stops at the 7/11 walks in with the daughter and she yells to the clerk " Toilet ! Hotdog ice cream!" They clerk quickly hands her the bathroom key as the father che...

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NSFW: A mom is putting her son to bed and he asks

"Mom, where do babies came from?"

"Well", she says, "They come from a stork."

Confused, he asks "Then who fucks the stork?"

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A brunette mom, a redhead mom, and a blonde mom were talking about their daughters.

The brunette mom says, "The other day, I was cleaning my daughter's room, and I found a bottle of vodka. I didn't even know she drank!"

"Well, the other day I was cleaning my daughter's room," says the redhead mom, "and I found a pack of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked!"

"T...

My mom said if I stayed up late then she'd bash my head against my keyboard again

I'm old enough to stay awake for as long as I damn pleahfjjsjjchfigjbrbrje d ffhfhfnfbfbrbrbrdjdjfufhfhdhdbdbrvtjtkykumhkfieuegdgajks38rjbfbfbdejjejekdfnjf

My mom says I have no sense of direction.

I don't know where she's coming from with that.

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

The Ultimate Dad Joke said by a Mom

There was a beautiful, young woman named May. May Elizabeth to be precise.

May Elizabeth married a young man named Jack Johnson. She kept her maiden name, and stayed May Elizabeth.

This couple had a girl, and named her after the mother; May Elizabeth Jr. Now, May Elizabeth Jr finds her...

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

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A little boy has diarrhea and asks his mom for a Viagra...

His mom replies with, "What the hell for?"


The little boy says, "Well, isn't that what you give dad when his shit won't get hard?"

Man, jokes on reddit are all reposts or your mom jokes

They keep coming around and they suck, just like your momma

My dad was Korean and my mom was Mexican

Hi, I am Guacamo Lee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom really want me to be heterosexual

When I slouch, she always tells me if I sit up straight I will grow up straight

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