A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom she's missed her period...

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom
that she has missed her period for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes
to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the
mother says, "Who was the pig that did...

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom.

There he saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his roo...

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come and a...

What's the difference between COVID-19 and your mom?

COVID-19 doesn't spread *nearly* as fast.

My mom told me that Jesus died when his Royal Caribbean ship sank, but my priest said he actually died on the cross.

So...was that cruise a fiction?

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My husband and son getting competitive while playing games.

Husband said" I fucked your mom"

to which the son replied" I have been deeper inside her than you'll ever be"

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

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I was going to make a joke about having sex with your mom,

but a hundred people already have.

"Mom, how did humans come to exist?"

"Well, you see, God created Adam and Eve..."

"But dad said we came from apes."

"He was talking about his family, I am telling you about mine."

Son: Dad why does mom have balloons in her chest?

Dad: Ummmm, you blow them up when your mom dies so that she can fly to heaven

Son: Oh ok

*THE NEXT DAY*

Son (on phone): Dad come home quick mom is dying!

Dad: Wait what happened?

Son: Uncle John is blowing her balloons!

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I think my step-mom is trying to seduce me.

I mean, she always eyes me at family dinners. Though I do sit next to my father so I can't be too sure. One day though, when my father and she fought, she slept in my bedroom, even when we have a guest room. But then again, maybe she was just looking for some company.

She also didn't like my ...

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Mom, Dad, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom........ I’m gay.

Coming out is harder in a Fundamentalist Mormon family.

Name the body part that your mom has 2 and a cow has 4.

Legs.

My Encounter With My Step-Mom

My step mom came to me and demanded that I take all her clothes off. So I took off her blouse. She said, “Now off with my skirt.” I did, and she continued, “Now take off my stockings.” And when I did that, she said, “Now my bra and the panties.” I took them off. She continued, “And don’t ever let me...

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to ...

My Mom said the last thing she ever wanted was to be put in a nursing home

So I said fine, this is it, don't ask me for anything else.

A young girl comes homes and excitedly says to her mother: “mom! I’m in love!”

Her mother replies: “that’s great, sweetheart! What’s his name?”

“Nicos”, the daughter says.

“NICOS?!” the mother cries out. “A Greek? Sweetie, you know the Greek are a special people...”

“I don’t want to hear it!” The daughter responds. “I love him and we are getting married n...

Mom: “What time are we leaving?”

Dad: “9:15”

Mom: “OK, I’ll jump in the shower real quick”

Dad: “Yikes, be careful, it’s slippery in there”

Is my mom fat?

Your mama's so fat
she heard the weatherman say it was chili outside she grabbed a bowl and spoon and ran out the door

A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood

Who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
The beleaguered woman said, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about Blue...

An antivaxxer mom comes home one day...

...to see (or not see, rather) her son, which would usually be playing video games in the living room.

After a couple of minutes of searching far and wide, she had never thought to check his room.

When she opened the door, she saw him silently crying with his face buried in his pillow....

Little John: Mom, yesterday while you were at work dad was making out with the maid..

Mom: Wait! Let your dad come back and then tell.
Later that evening...
Mom: Johnny you were telling me something..?
John: yes mom so dad was making out with the maid but he did not make her a horse like uncle Bob made you.

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.

He really loved that woman.

A mom visist her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

My mom said that I have no sense of direction

So I packed all my stuff and right.

What does my dad and my moms hopes, goals and dreams and have in common?

They both disappeared after i was born.

My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother

until my mom took the urn from me.

Littl‌‌e J‌‌ohnn‌‌y w‌‌a‌‌s t‌‌ol‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y h‌‌i‌‌s f‌‌riend‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t a‌‌dult‌‌s h‌‌av‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ee‌‌p d‌‌ar‌‌k s‌‌ecre‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d c‌‌a‌‌n b‌‌‌‌e e‌‌asil‌‌y m‌‌anipulated.

Johnn‌‌y d‌‌ecide‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌es‌‌t i‌‌t‌‌. H‌‌‌‌e c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌ome‌‌, g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌othe‌‌r a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌, "‌‌Mom‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything.‌‌" M‌‌o‌‌m s‌‌hushe‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d g‌‌ive‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m $‌‌10.

"Jus‌‌t d‌‌on'‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l D‌‌ad‌‌" s‌‌h‌‌e s‌‌ays.
...

An Asian student's mom was reading the test result

"Why do you only get a B- ?! You bring shame to our family"

"But mom, it is a blood test"

Little Johnny asks his mother, “Mom, can light be eaten?” His mother replied, “No, Johnny. Why?”

“Because I overheard dad telling Mrs. Smith next door to turn off the light and put it in her mouth.”

My mom runs a car dealership and I am getting my new car from there.

My mom asked me "So will you be writing a cheque?"

I replied "Not today! It's my cake day. I get Free Karma"

This one is from my mom's childhood

One night, a young lad had a little too much to drink. He starts heading home. He is passing through his neighborhood to get to his house. As he walks, he yells, "People!" There is no reaction from the neighborhood, so he yells "people!" louder. No reaction again. Finally, he hollers, "Hey you peopl...

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Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay."

Mom: *Stares at Dad*

Dad: *Clenches fist*

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: *Sweats Profusely*

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

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Mom comes home and as she opens the door, her son runs to her, shouting...

Son, panicking: "Mom mom! Dad hung himself in the attic!"
Mom, shocked, out of breath and words runs all panicky towards the attic...
She looks to the right, to the left, over and over again,... yet there's no sight of this dreadful act taking place.
And just as she's about to angril...

When I was younger I found out my mom was into S&M...

When I got into trouble I had to spank her.

"Hey mom, is there any chocolate?"

"Yes."

"Great! Where is it?"

"At the store."

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

Little Johnny goes to his mother and asks"mom did you say my baby brother is an angel?"

-Yes, he is

+Then why didn't he fly when I threw him out from the balcony?

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Mom, I think Dad is gay

Mom: Why on earth would you say that?!
Daughter: His dick tastes like shit!

"Mom, I am dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood... I'm dating him too."

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So my mom took away all my weed the other day...

So I dumped the old bitch out of her wheelchair and marched off with it. Now neither of us will be rolling.

A conversation I had with my mom

Mom: A little birdy told me someone’s been taking drugs

Me: Well you’re the one talking to birds!

I've always had a lot of respect for single moms

That's why i go to the strip clubs and donate my dollar bills.

A kid asked his mom “Mom, what’s sperm?”

The mom then think for a while and respond :
“It’s baby when they are not born yet.”

The kid’s birthday came and when he was about to blow out the candle, he yelled :

“I wish mom had more sperm in her belly.”

My mom keeps complaining wherever she looks around the house it's dirty.

I told her to clean her glasses.

My mom just got remarried and invited me over to meet her new husband.

When I got to her house, I found a strange man laying on the stairs to her porch. He looked up at me, grinned, and held out his hand. "Hi, I'm your new *step-*father."

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A polar cub goes to its mom.

\- Mom, is dad a polar bear?

\- Yes, my darling.

\- Is uncle Jim a polar bear?

\- Yes, son.

\- What about aunt Cindy?

\- Yes, she is a polar bear too.

\- Grandpa? Is grandpa a polar bear?

\- Yes. Grandpa is a polar bear. Same with grandma.

\- A...

A girl and her mom are in a car.

Girl: "Why is my name Rose?"

Mom: "Your dad loves roses."

Girl: "Why is my brother named Robin?"

Mom: "Your dad loves the bird."

Girl: "Then why is my sister named Secretary?"

Mom: "That's why we are driving away from home."

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6 year old: "Mom"...

"Mom is a penis a bad thing?"

"No, why sweetie?"

"Because dad is upstairs, trying to pull his one off!"

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

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So my mom called me a son of a bitch...

And I said, "I definitely am, nothing wrong there".

Anyways, I'm grounded now.

SAD STORY: A little boy was so jealous of his newborn brother so that he put poison on the nipple of his mom.

The next day their driver died.

When a kid says

When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

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My mom raised me as an only child

It seemed to have really pissed off my sisters

My mom told me this one

A farmer is worried sick about his horse Reginald who is basically on his death bed. He calls a vet to check up on him but the vet looks hopeless and says, "I'll be honest with you man, he's pretty much in his final stages. I do know this experimental three day treatment, but its not known to work. ...

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."

"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

Me: Mom! I moved a thing with my mind

My mom: And what was that honey?

Me: smirks

Also me: my arm

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I said some terrible things to my mom as I was coming out of anesthesia. Told her that she was the ugliest fucking woman I had ever seen, and I hated her new short haircut..

Turns out it was my dad who came to pick me up, my mom was at home this whole time.

Mom, how do you eat light bulbs?

\- What? light bulbs? No honey, light bulbs can't be eaten. Where did you hear that?

\- Last night I heard my dad tell you "*Turn off the lights 'cause you're gonna eat it all*".

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What did the Italian say when is mom walked in on him watching porn

Mama, Mia

My mom told me: “Finish your peas, there’re starving kids in China”

I said: “Oh yeah? Name 10”

There was this little 9 year old blind kid, and one day he said to his mom, "Mom, All I've ever wanted was to see."

His mom said, "Well son it's your lucky day, today is the last day of March, and if you pray your hardest,your prayers will be answered."

So the little boy goes to bed 2 hours early and starts praying himself to sleep.

He wakes up half way through the night and realises that the night ...

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My favourite sex position is called "WOW"...

Its when I flip your MOM.

Your mom is like Netflix

For 15 bucks we can be 4 on it

A kid asks his dad: Dad why am I black, if mom is white if and you are asian... ...

Dad answers: With the party we had that night, you better be grateful that you're not barking right now.

My mom knocked on the door...

My mom knocked on my door and asked if she could come in. I said “ranch!” She opened the door and said what? “I’m dressing!”

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

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What is Democracy? A boy is asked at school as homework.

So the little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is democracy?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalist. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. Nanny is working at home for money, she's the w...

The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was,

"Two or three" she said.

I think I get why she and my dad got divorced now..

Mom- "you should apply to work at the white house"

Me- "why? I'm not qualified."

Mom- "that's the point nobody in the current administration is."

Your mom is so FAT....

She can't save files larger than 4 gigabytes!

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When I first saw "Back to the Future" I thought: "shit, this dude is going to bang his mom."

But luckily, they got caught fingering and were thrown out of the cinema.

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A woman who is pregnant with triplets (boys) is walking on the street when all of a sudden she gets shot 3 times in the stomach.

Upon arrival at the hospital the doctor tells her she will live and so will the 3 boys. He also tells her surgery isnt necessary to remove the bullets and the bullets will find its way out the natural way.

10 years have passed since the accident .when 1 of the boys runs up to his mom screamin...

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A little boy goes shopping with his mom and is waiting outside the changing room for her to come out.

While waiting, the little boy gets bored and as his mom comes out sees him sliding his hand up a mannequins skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't ge...

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore?

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore?

Me: If you get to know one of your friends harasses women when he sees them alone, does drugs, throws stones at stray animals and laughs at their misery, gets into fights for no reason, abuses his girlfriend and bunks classes, would you still talk to h...

My wife was worried that she was going to get fat, just because her sisters are fat, her mom is fat and her grandmother was fat. So I bought her a Peloton.

She broke the cycle.

An 8 year old (Billy) and a 9 year old (Tommy) are sitting in a waiting room with their moms at a hospital

Billy asks Tommy why he’s there.

Tommy says, “To get my tonsils removed.”

Billy says, “Oh don’t worry, it’s not so bad. You get to stay home from school and eat all the ice cream you want.”

Tommy then asks Billy, “Why are you here?”

Billy says, “For a circumcision.”...

It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now

But I wanted to be transparent.

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I was just lying down on my bed surfing reddit when my mom came into my room and scolded me for being a useless lazy bum

I am not going to take that lying down, so i stood up

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Why was Hitler’s mom so happy during her entire pregnancy?

Because she had a dick inside her for 9 months

My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt.

Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."

So I took off her skirt.

Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."

So I took off her bra and panties.

Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

Mom never told me I shouldn't touch electric wires

Imagine my shock when I got grounded!

Yo mama so ugly

Yo momma so ugly the whole world faked a virus and ruined the economy just to make her wear a mask

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

So a kid is talking to his dad and he says “hey Dad why i s my sister named make up tutorials” and the dad says “oh that’s what was in your mom‘s search history “. And the kids respond “OK a little weird but thanks”

And the dad says “no problem “

*mom walks into my room*

Mom: why is everything on the floor?
Me: Gravity

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"

"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."

The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your m...

My mom told me to load the dish washer.

So I got her pregnant.

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Sometimes my mom calls me a son of a bitch.

I completely agree!

Mary Jane’s mom saw that Mary Jane had burnt the garage down.

Her mom said, “when your dad gets home you’re going to be in big trouble.”

And Mary Jane laughed and laughed because she knew her dad was in the garage.

When your mom slaps you with high frequency

It hertz

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Three boys plan to swear in front of their mom.

After dinner, the mother asks her sons what they want for dessert. The first and eldest son says "I want some goddamn ice cream!" The mother spanks the boy and sends him to his room with no dessert. She then asks the second boy what he wants for dessert, and he tells her "I want some goddamn ice cr...

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I asked my step-mom if we could have sex. She asked me what kind of state I am in.

I'm in Alabama.

I remember when Mom used to tuck me in

She really wanted a daughter.

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My mom told me this joke

Donald and Tommy walk into a wedding.

Everyone brings amazing gifts for the couple.

Donald brings a peanut as his gift.

The couple finds this offensive and decides to shove the peanut up Donald's ass.

But then Donald starts laughing.

The couple asks him why he is d...

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Billy's mom comes home. "Billy, what's wrong?" -"Dad hanged himself in the attic!" he said in tears.

The mother rushes to the attic in a panic, quickly followed by her son.
As she gets up to the attic, she notices that nothing is there, and little Billy started giggling.
HaHaHa! April fool's mommy!!! He hanged himself in the basement!"

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The son told his mom: "I don't want to go to school today. The kids tease me, the teachers hate me."

"But Michael, you must be in school. You're the principal!"

Mom, my boyfriend has dandruff

Mom: Give him head & shoulders.

Girl: Okay. But how do I give him shoulders?

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My mom caught me watching hentai.

My mom caught me watching hentai.

Mom: Watch something good, not this degenerate shit!

Me: Like what?

Mom: Like something your role model watches. Who is your role model?

Me: Samuel L Jackson.

Mom: Motherfucker!...

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The amount of hate I have received for saying "no single moms" on on tinder is insane.

Seriously, I'm an average guy and while I don't get a ton of matches I still try because I'm hopeful. I noticed a lot (it could just be my area) of single moms on tinder and while I don't have a problem with kids, I don't want any right now.

I simply put "not interested in single moms" and bo...

A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? 

‘What’s that?’, he asked. 

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. 

As his mind began to embrace the i...

My mom just told me she used to be a man.

I love that she's transparent.

A little girl ask to her mom: "mom, why am I named Rosa?"

And her mom said: "because when you were born a rose fell on you head"

Her sister Daisy heatrs this and ask: "why is my name Daisy?"

And her mom said: because when you were born a daisy fell in your head"

When their brother Brick heard this, he ask: "GHTAKNDIALFJKQODK"

When I was little I drank all my mom's food coloring...

I dyed a little inside

An ancient "your mom" joke, from Ancient Rome, between 63 BC to 14 AD .

"The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.

"Intrigued he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?'

"'No your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.'"

Young Jesus: mom where do babies come from?

**Joseph: [pulls up a chair]** yea Mary, where DO babies come from?

A joke my mom told me today

One day Donald Trumps assistant told him, he had a fantastic dream last night. There was a huge parade in Washington, where he (Trump) was celebrated. Millions lined the parade route and cheered when the president came by. Bands played, children threw confetti in the air, there were balloons everyw...

My mom hates when I take kitchen items that she needs and hides it in my room

But its a whisk I'm willing to take

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When I was a kid my brothers and I came downstairs for breakfast, my mom asked my youngest brother what he wanted to eat and he said “give me some goddamn fruit loops!” My mom flipped her lid and said get your butt back upstairs now!” And then asked my middle brother what he wanted and he said..

“I want some of those goddamn fruit loops!” Again my mom flips her lid and smacks my brother right in the mouth! She then glares at me and says “so now!, what do you want for breakfast?!” And I said “I sure as fuck don’t want any of those goddamn fruit loops!”

Whenever I'm afraid of Corona, I remind myself of my mom's six sisters.

So many auntie bodies...

My mom told me to wipe all surfaces in the bathroom.

When it came to the windows, I was a surface pro.

My best friend's mum passed away recently.

A month before his birthday too so that blew. On his birthday his dad asks me if I could help make a present which might remind him of his mum.
I was a bit apprehensive but I agreed. All I had to do was being a can of crushed tomatoes and some flour.


On his birthday, during the small ...

Son: Mom you are such a liar!

Mom: What?
Son: You told me that lil Johnny is an Angel.
Mom: He sure is.
Son: Then how come he didn’t fly when I threw him out of the window...

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