Mom, I'm dating a man.

\-Whom, sweetheart?

\-Dante the mailman.

\-Dante the mailman? But he could be your father!

\-But mom, age is just a number.

\-Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.

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A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son's bedroom.

Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him.

Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.

That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.

Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your MOM has flipped"

Me: "WOW"

A kid asks his mom "Mom? What is dark humor?"

She responds: "see that man over there with no arms?Tell him to clap."

The kid replies: "but mom, I'm blind!"

Mom: "Exactly"

My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom

Now my father hates her.

My mom always refused to tell me I was her favorite child, and insisted she didn't believe in choosing a favorite.

Which was really hurtful since I don't have any siblings.

What do antivax moms and responsible bartenders have in common?

They don’t give shots to babies.

Your mom is so fat...

...that a group of people started believing she was actually flat.

Daughter: “Mom, am I ugly?”

Mother: “I told you not to call me ‘Mom’ in front of people.”

Whenever my mom used to feed me, she’d always say “here comes the Choo-Choo Train!!!”

And I had to eat otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks

A bride asks her Mom to buy her a long blue nightgown for her wedding night.

When the newly married couple gets to the honeymoon suite, the nervous groom goes in the bathroom to undress giving the instructions for the bride not to peek.

She opens her suitcase disappointed to find her Mom not only bought the wrong thing, but also just wadded it up in her suitcase. ...

You know what a helicopter mom is?

Well I have a Malaysia flight mom.

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There are 4 cows. 1 mom, 3 babies.

The first baby walks up to her and says, “ Mommy, why am I called Rose?” Mama says, “ Its because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head.” The second baby walks up and says, “Mommy, why is my name Lily?” Mama says, “ That is because when you were born, a lily petal fell on your head.” Th...

Why did the anti-vaxx mom buy a coffin?

Cause her baby was coffin a bit too much.

Asked My Parents if I was an accident

Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

Your mom has one eye and one leg

We call her Eye Hop.

Son: "Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

My mom dosen't think that i am failure in Life anymore.

Now she knows.

Had an argument with my mom

Trying hard to tell my mom that my son is better looking then her son!

MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.

ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.

[meanwhile in UFO]

ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?

DAD: Somethings wrong, I can feel it.

WOW is an interesting word. WOW spelled backwards is still wow. And WOW upside down is MOM. And MOM upside down is Dad's favorite thing.

No, I'm sorry, that joke was cheap and easy, and so's my mom, and that's why I'm here. No, seriously, I love my mom... And you can, too, for twelve dollars.

I was sitting on the couch when my mom came up to me and started rubbing me with an eraser...

I asked her what she was doing and she replied, "Well, aren't erasers for mistakes?"

One friend asks the other to go pick up his mom

1: Hey can you drive me to pick up my mom real quick her car broke down

2: i dont have that type of money

1: what do you mean its right down the road ill pay for gas

2: last time i picked up your mom she charged me $500

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What do your jokes and your mom's vagina have in common?

They're both old and overused

My mom asked me if I could come to the telephone.

I guess, “Maybe if it were set to vibrate.” was the wrong answer.

My mom said I was repetitive, condescending, forgetful and repetitive.

But one day, I’ll be sure

One night, Billy walked into his parents’ bedroom and found his dad fooling around in bed with his mom.

“Dad, what are you doing?” Billy asked.

“Well son, I’m playing cards,” his dad replied.

“What’s Mom doing?”

“Oh, she’s my wild card.”

That weekend, Billy went to spend the night at his grandparents. He woke up and went to their bedroom, and found his grandpa fooling arou...

There were 3 Friends, their names were I don't know, manners, and your mom.

One day, the trio go out for a ride, they stop to take a bathroom break, and after a bit, they forgot your mom at the gas station!

I don't know waits in the car and sends manners to get your mom. suddenly, a police officer notices the stopped car and asks I don't know some questions. His firs...

I asked my mom if she ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?

She said that rings a bell

So, I was in my mom's bathroom...

No matter how much I wiped,
The blood wouldn't come out of the carpet.

And this whole time I'm thinking,
Who puts carpet in their bathroom?

" All men are dogs" my mom said, so I bit her

Now I have a surprise visit with the Doc tomorrow

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My mom and dad are stars on pornhub.

Can't wait to see their faces when they find out.

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Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom.

Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom.

Johnny: mom, I'm bored I want to do something.

Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street? Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something.

So Johnny d...

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A boy makes money from his Mom's lover

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hide her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes it is.”
Boy...

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An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

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I want to lose my virginity just like my mom did

On prom night, to my dad.

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"Dad, how did you meet mom?"

The child's dad, excited, explains how he was once a manager for a rodeo, where men usually were the only ones participating. Not like it was restricted from girls to enter, it was just something "normal" in the old days.

One day, many years ago, he saw a woman that would be the child's mothe...

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, "Of course not!..

...why would we choose you?"

I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...

She said, ”No, only tea.”

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My mom and dad insist that i pay them for letting me stay in their basement

I guess thats why they're called PAYRENTS

My mom’s a Jew, but my Dad isn’t.

So really I’m Jew..ish

My mom told me Jesus died on a Royal Caribbean ship, but my priest said he died on a cross.

Was that cruise a fiction?

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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad....

Dad went off to buy a beer and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mother looks away and mutters, "oh, don't worry about that, that's ...

Ur mom is 3/5 equine

She a hoe

My mom divorced my dad and got remarried to a ladder

It’s now my step ladder

"Dad why did you and mom name my sister Rose?"

Dad: "because your mother loves Roses"

Son: "oh, ok, thanks Dad"

Dad: "No problem Costco Hotdog"

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…"

"If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling."

The bus annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your ...

What did the hillbilly yoga instructor say to his mom who was about to leave?

Naw ma, stay!

My dad used to abuse my mom (long)

As a little kid, I remember countless nights of being awake at night scared by all the yelling and screaming downstairs. A few times my mom would be bruised on her arms. I'd ask her about it and she wouldn't say anything.

One day she got the courage to call the police and have him taken away ...

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor

A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for 2 tattoos. She wanted a christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh. When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos. She replied " My husband always complains that theres nothing to eat between Thanksgivin...

My mom told me this one

If you wanna get in touch with your inner self use cheap toilet paper

Little Bob went to church with his mom

At some point, he started feeling dizzy and unwell. He turns to his mom and asks: "Mom, can we leave now?"

"No Bob", his mom replied curtly.

"I feel very bad, I think I'm going to throw up".

"Then get out, find a bush to vomit in and come back".

Bob gets up and leaves, th...

A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer.

A great mom turns off the mixer first.

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

I still remember when my mom used to tuck me in as a kid...

Man she really wanted a daughter.

My mom made a horrible joke the other day and I said "oh wow look at this comedic genius"

She then replied to me saying "of course I am one. I mean I made you"

Joe: Can you check for monsters under my bed, mom?

Mom: He's not under your bed, sweetie. He's downstairs under his fifth bottle of beer.

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Mom: wake up son it's time to go to school

Son: But mom i dont want to go! All the students hate me and talk about me behind my back

Mom:But you have to go! Your the principal!

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A story about a woman

Once upon a time, there was a woman, she got pregnant and was going to have triplets. Her ultrasound showed that she’s going to have 2 daughters and 1 son. The woman got shot 3 times in her stomach, each bullet to each child. The kids were fine, though. The kids got their birth and the woman was rea...

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Keanu woke up in hospital

With intense pain in his chest. His son Billy was next to him in tears.

“Wha- what happened?”, said Keanu.

His son told him that a kid at school had been teasing him and was making the accusation that they were half brothers, that Keanu had slept with this other kid’s mom. They had got...

My 14 year old is finally taking an interest in me. Last night he asked me my date of birth.

Then he asked me what street I grew up on.

This morning he even asked where I met his mom and what was the name of my first pet! ❤❤❤❤❤

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It leads to something, I promise

What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

Milkshake



What do you call a cow with a twitch?

Beef jerky



What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef



What do you call a cow with three legs?

Lean beef



What do you c...

I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.

Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.

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A man with perfect work attendance calls in sick one day...

His boss is really worried about him, as he'd never missed a day of work in 15 years. So he gets in his car and drives over to his house to make sure he's okay.

He knocks, but there's no answer. He puts his ear to the door and hears moaning. "Oh no! He's dying!" the boss says. He busts in the...

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A Mom brings her son to the doctor because of his diet

Mom: please help doctor. He’s such a picky eater!

Doctor: what are his favorite foods?

Mom: he only eats one thing: rump roast steak between two sesame buns

The doctor pauses to think then says, “Yes I’ve seen this before...sounds like Ass Burgers.”

Mom died and left me that thing she used to weave rugs out of that stuff you pull out of used styling brushes.

It was a family hair-loom.

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Just came out to my family as sapiosexual.

Everyone’s crying. My mom’s asking me if I’ve ever really given fucking morons a chance before.

My girlfriend sits there quietly, no doubt solving complex math problems in her head for fun.

My mother asks, “So when you go out to eat, who calculates the tip? Both of you?!”

Indubi...

My mom says that everyone has a beautiful side to them

So, I guess I am just a circle

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A single mother asked her dad what she should do because her young sons were starting to curse like sailors...

He told her the next time one of them said a bad word to smack him in the mouth and send him to his room.

The next morning at breakfast the boys came into the kitchen and the mother asked them what they would like for breakfast...

The oldest son replied... I want some fucking Cheerios...

If science were easy...

They would call it your mom.

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My friend said she was born near Albany

Another friend said they were born near Rome. I asked my mom where I was born near. She said, "My asshole".

Mom: Stop making suicide jokes

Her son: Don't worry I'll stop soon

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Son: "I fell in love with a beautiful girl."

Father: "That's great, do I know her?"

Son: "Yes, it is Andrea who lives across the street."

Father: "Oh that is bad, I am sorry, don't tell this to your mom but Andrea is your sister."

The boy is upset, but accepts the truth.

After few months he comes to his dad again...

Barbie

A girl says to her mom, "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe".

Mom says, "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"

The girl replies, "No, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She just fakes it with Ken."

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A guys sitting at a bar.

A guy sitting at the bar having a quiet drink by himself. Soon a middle age woman sat down next to him and strike up a conversations. The subject soon turned to sex and the woman asked him if he ever heard of the "huntman's special?" Admitting that he never heard of it, he asked what "What is it...

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