UPJOKE
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An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

Joke by my 4 year old nephew, please try not to downvote. It made me laugh when he said it though.

Nephew: are you gluten intolerant?


Me(surprised he knew about gluten): yes I am, sweetheart


Nephew: how intolerant of you

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My eight year old nephew said he had a joke:

“What did the ant say to the other ant?”
“I dunno, what?”
“Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.”
“Yeah, that’s not really a joke kid.”
He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. “It’s an ant-y joke, asshole.”

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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He's a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock...

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No idiot... Cows go moo!

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

I said to my nephew, "What is that you are drinking?" and he said, "Soy milk."

So I said, "Hola, Milk. Permitame presentarme. Yo me llamo Uncle Dave."

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My nephew said "All boxers are gay"

I asked him "Why?"

He said "Because they're all fighting for a belt and a purse!"

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say the word for "please" though, which I think is poor for four

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I...

I bought a Donatello doll for my nephew, but it didn't come with a weapon.

You just can't get the staff these days.

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My nephew got into his dad's viagra stash.

He's in the hospital with 3rd degree burns on his hands.

Did you know that 20 pirahnas can demolish a small child down to the bone in under 30 seconds?

In other news, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

(My nephew told me this joke yesterday, totally deadpan! Thought it was worth sharing!)

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Last Christmas, I told my 5 year old nephew that pooping in your pants is just an accident and there’s no shame for an accident

But to this day that little fucker keeps teasing me about it.

I decided to shear some of my farm's sheep and make a sweater for my nephew.

I didn't know his size though, so I had to guess and hope he wouldn't notice if it was too small.

Unfortunately, when it came time to help him into it, the worst happened and it wasn't big enough. Truly, I couldn't pull the wool over his eyes!

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Nephew asks about sex

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a h...

It took a long time to teach my nephew that violence is never ever the answer.

I think I finally beat it into him.

I went to pick my nephew up from work, but unbeknownst to me, he was at his friend's house.

I returned with nothing to chauffer it.

"I don't like to send money via texts, so I need you to prove you're really my nephew. How many fingers am I holding up on my right hand?"

--This is a text, how should I know?

"I'm an amputee, and you'd know"

My nephew is in the 'why' phase of his life as a 6 year old...

and I told him 'Because it feels nice and you're an unreliable witness!'

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My 12 year old nephew told me this joke..

I have a green ball in my left hand and a green ball in my right hand.. What else do I have?

The hulk's dick in my mouth!

Cracked me up, he's really posh so was totally unexpected!

My 6-year-old nephew asked me to post his joke.

Two flies riding on a motorbike.

One says to the other: Stop! Stop! A bug just flew into my eye.









Sorry

I was injured playing Peekaboo with my nephew.

I had to go to the I.C.U.

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I bought my nephew a puppy.

But it was hit by a car and died, so now I'm stuck with a fucking puppy.

My baby nephew got apprehended by the police after refusing his usual naptime

He was resisting a rest

Today, my 10 y/o nephew proudly showed me a model airplane he had built.

"Not too bad," I said, pulling out my iPhone. "But see what Chinese kids of your age can do."

Why did Jesus’s nieces and nephews hate his wife?

Because she was the Aunty Christ.

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A woman and her annoying nephew entered a lawn bowling contest.

The sun was out, the grounds had been immaculately prepared and every retiree within city limits had turned out for the event. Pearl had to admit that she was feeling better about the day now that it had finally arrived.

A few weeks ago when her delinquent of a sister had foisted her awful...

What do you call an incestuous nephew?

An aunt-eater.

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My little nephew is going to grow up to be such an asshole.

Check this out, it’s his birthday a couple of weeks ago, and, being that his mother (my wife’s sister) doesn’t have much money, we decide to get him a really nice gift. You know, something a 7 year old kid would be thrilled with. So we buy him a full-size trampoline. This thing is like 10 feet acros...

Clothes make the man (Joke from my nephew)

What's the difference between a sharp-dressed fellow on a bicycle and a raggedy looking guy on a unicycle?

Attire.

I mistakenly hired a mortician for my nephew's birthday

He didn't know any tricks, but he made a great ventriloquist

(A joke my 3 y/o nephew came up with)

Kiddo: knock knock

Mom: who’s there?

Kid: Daddy. Because I locked the door. *laughs hysterically*

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My nephew and I were walking in the park...

My nephew and I were walking in the park when we saw two dogs locked in coitus. My nephew asked, "Uncle Mac, what are those dogs doing?" Thinking fast, I said, "The one in back hurt its paw and the one in front is helping it walk." My nephew then said, "That's just like some people. They say they'r...

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A man and his nephew

A man and his nephew are working in the field one afternoon.
The man was drinking a beer as they worked,
The nephew asks his uncle for a sip of his beer.

The man replies, "does your dick reach your asshole?"
The nephew says, "no, it doesn't."
The man says, "then no, that's the rul...

As a non-English speaker, this is how I remember the difference between niece & nephew.

A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doc: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you

Woman : Oh no! Not my brother! He'...

So my nephew just wanted to know...

Have you heard the joke about the balloon that met the cactussssssssssssh

My nephews hate my ‘dad’ jokes

They say I’m very un-cool

Also from my 7 year old nephew: What is it called when Olaf is crying?

A meltdown.

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My nephew was born without eye lids

But the made him some from the foreskin of his circumcision.

Now hes cockeyed.

From my 7 year old nephew: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.

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For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.

When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.

My nephew's first words were, "I'm a firestarter".

He was a child prodigy.

I bought my nephew a pair of airpods for his birthday.

The kid was so ungrateful, he didn't even say thank you. He just started throwing up gang signs at me.



I think he's fallen into a bad crowd ever since he went deaf.

When convicted, why couldn't Santa's nephew complete his sentence?

He was a subordinate Clause.

From the 7 year old nephew: Why didn't the volcano eat dinner?

Because its plates were broken.

I told my nephew that I was named after George Washington.

He said, "but Uncle, your name is Jon." I said,"I know I was named AFTER George Washington."

I asked my nephew if he had seen my newspaper

He told me that newspapers were old school. Then he said people use tablets today and handed me his iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

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A joke my eight-year-old nephew told me...

Where do you stick your dick into a friend with benefits?

In her palvis.

My 4 year old nephew's favourite joke.

Knock knock!

who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

No, You're a poo!

Followed by devious laughter.

Courtesy of my five year old nephew

What do you call an onion ring shaped like a bell?


An onion ding!

A joke from my 6 year old nephew

Q: Why is Santa's sack always full?

A: Because he only comes once a year

Old joke, modern twist: a man is out of town when his wife goes into labor...

The man calls up his brother to assist with the birth, who readily agrees. The hospital is a bit out of date, a bit out of the way, and the brother works almost as hard maintaining his internet connection as he does assisting with the birth. Eventually, the wife successfully delivered twins, a boy a...

One from my nephew: Whats Scooby-Doo's favorite piece of clothing?

A SCARF!

My nephew asked me how I felt about cow tipping.

I told him I could not remember the last time I had a cow waiter.

(Pun from my kid nephew): How do you have a party in outer space?

Planet

My Nephew's pet chicken died.

I couldn't help asking if the funeral will be fried or roasted.

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I taught my nephew to skip the first "H" whenever he reads/pronounce English words

E.g honest, hour, honour. Later that day i told him to *heat* my food in the microwave. I almost killed that bastard.

A joke my nephew told me

How do ghost listen to music?

With a bootooth

I bought my nephews some Cisformers for Christmas.

They start off as cars – and stay that way.

Helpful nephew

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew having a snack.
"Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She is upstairs, said she was going to take a shower." came the reply.
"Do you know how long it's been? I need to ask her an urgent question." I asked.
He stepped into the nearby bathro...

I tried telling my 4 year old nephew that it’s perfectly fine to accidentally poo your pants…

But he’s not buying it. In fact, he’s still making fun of me

Why did the kid eat his homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew

What is Bruce Jenner's nephew's favorite movie?

Aunt Man

(6yo nephew came to me and blurted) What does the cheese say to the other cheese passing by ?

Have a grate day.

What’s the perfect ‘S’ word?

Sword.

The other day I dropped my baby nephew and my sister started freaking out

I understand that I should be more careful, but let’s be honest, who the f*** brings a baby to the Grand Canyon?

My nephew wanted an Xbox for his birthday but didn't get one and was very upset.

He had to be consoled.

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My sister-in-law was pissed when she saw me tickling my nephew's legs

She screamed something like " wait till he is born".

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the dummies house.

Knock knock... Who's there?

A chicken.

My 6 year old nephew's favorite joke. Tells it every chance he gets.

My nephew complained about hair in his food.

I told him that in my day that is how all fish tacos were served.

My 6 yr old nephew asked me... what did the bee say to his wife?

Oh honey!!!

My 12 yr old nephew: What do you call a reptile that always starts drama?

An instigator!

My nephew was doing his history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo?

I said, "He was a poor boy, from a poor family."

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Talking about planets with my nephew.

He asked if you could Plow thru Uranus because it's all gas

My nephew came up to me and asked for advice to meet women.

I gave him my old tablet.

Told my nephew the story of the grasshopper and the ant. The ant saved up for winter while the grasshopper didn't. I asked my nephew at the end of the story Me:What is the moral of the story?

Nephew: You should never live in a Fall's sense of security

From my 3yr old nephew: Why do chickens sit on their eggs?

Because they don't have chairs.

My nephew is at that age where he no longer wants to be held.

I guess turning 39 changed his attitude.

There’s a lady 6 months pregnant with twins in a car crash..

And she goes into a coma. When she wakes up 7 months later, she’s startled and confused.

‘What happened?’ She says to the nurse

Nurse goes ‘it’s okay, your safe. You were in a car accident!’

Lady replies ‘what about my babies?’

Nurse, ‘don’t worry, you’re brothers been l...

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

A joke my 4 year old nephew made up. (It makes no sense, but still made me laugh.)

If the three legged turtle crosses the road what color is the rabbit?
Green! Because Space Jam was a good movie.

My 8-year old nephew told me a joke the other day, and it was priceless... Why can't Santa touch his toes?

Because he doesn't exist!

Was told this on my wedding day 16 years ago by my 8 year old nephew...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and tells the bartender this is his first time at a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender hands him a bottle and says “Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?” The grasshopper shakes his head in amazement and says “What?!? i didnt know you had a drink named...

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My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.

I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.

My 4 year old nephew just came up with this joke and proceeded to laugh for 20 minutes after saying it...

When Batman cracks a joke...
He becomes the joker

My douchebag nephew puts on loads of deodorant and I have a hard time understanding him.

He has too strong of an axe scent.

You guys wanna hear a construction joke?

..... hold on I'm working on it.


(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)

I couldn't decide whether to get my nephew a toy or a pet for his first birthday.

Ended up buying him a rattlesnake.

A pregnant woman goes into a coma

A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.
When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children.
The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?"
"Fine" says the doc...

Hey Reddit. My nephew is terminal and we are raising $5000 for a hiking trip across the country!

It's too depressing staying with this sick kid.

My 4 year old nephew desided to count, how many different jokes you can find on r/Jokes

- But Johnny, - I said, - you only can count to 20!

- I don't think it's a problem, - he replied.

I saw a meerkat save its nephew from an eagle's clutches at the very last second.

It was a meer-uncle.

At a family get together I asked my 14 year old nephew, " Ryan did you blow bubbles when you were growing up?"

"No"

"Well he's in town and he said he was looking for you".

I knew I was an adult when my sister-in-law asked me to supervise my nephew while he was using scissors for a craft project.

I knew I wasn't an adult when he stabbed himself in the eye and I passed out.

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his nephew in the jungle?

...

A guy in a wheelchair once applied for Stars in their Eyes with his nephew and they both successfully got on the show...

...when asked about his accident by the presenter, he stated "Well me and nephew are both glazers you see, and one day my nephew, who is here with me tonight, was up a ladder holding onto this double glazed window that we were both installing, when it suddenly slipped from his grasp and sliced strai...

A wealthy and blind American businessman writes to his nephew in Soviet Russia asking him to come to America to help him with his business.

The nephew is called to NKVD headquarters as a result. The interrogator says, "Write to your uncle and ask him to close his company and come to the USSR. We will provide him with everything."

The nephew says, "I'm sorry but you didn't understand. My uncle lost his eyesight, not his mind."

A ridiculously rich man is buying his 6 year old nephew a birthday present

On his birthday, the boy gets a Porsche 911. For Christmas that year, the man bought his nephew a massive yacht. For his 7th birthday, the man bought his nephew a weeks holiday in Dubai. The boy's dad was getting worried about his son, as he wasn't getting gifts that a child his age would normally g...

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