UPJOKE
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Joke by my 4 year old nephew, please try not to downvote. It made me laugh when he said it though.

Nephew: are you gluten intolerant?


Me(surprised he knew about gluten): yes I am, sweetheart


Nephew: how intolerant of you

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

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A joke my nephew told me recently... Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their ass quack

My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say the word for "please" though, which I think is poor for four

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Last Christmas, I told my 5 year old nephew that pooping in your pants is just an accident and there’s no shame for an accident

But to this day that little fucker keeps teasing me about it.

Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He's a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock...

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No idiot... Cows go moo!

My baby nephew got apprehended by the police after refusing his usual naptime

He was resisting a rest

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My nephew got into his dad's viagra stash.

He's in the hospital with 3rd degree burns on his hands.

Why did Jesus’s nieces and nephews hate his wife?

Because she was the Aunty Christ.

Did you hear of the Ukrainian soldier who didn’t want to fight, but, when called upon to do so, defended the lives of his wife’s mom, her dad, her sister, her two brothers, her nieces and her nephews, and others who hadn’t been born yet - all with the help of a shoulder-fired missile?

He loves his NLAWs.

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The box of condoms

Young couple finishes having sex when the female rolls over and looks at the box of condoms sitting on the nights stand, and notices that there are only six left out of the original dozen

She says,

\- ”We only used one. What happened to the other 5 condoms?”

The young man thinks...

I hear that women that have nieces and nephews do better with covid.

They have more aunty bodies!!!!

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For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him

When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

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A woman and her annoying nephew entered a lawn bowling contest.

The sun was out, the grounds had been immaculately prepared and every retiree within city limits had turned out for the event. Pearl had to admit that she was feeling better about the day now that it had finally arrived.

A few weeks ago when her delinquent of a sister had foisted her awful...

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My eight year old nephew said he had a joke:

“What did the ant say to the other ant?”
“I dunno, what?”
“Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.”
“Yeah, that’s not really a joke kid.”
He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. “It’s an ant-y joke, asshole.”

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

My 6-year-old nephew asked me to post his joke.

Two flies riding on a motorbike.

One says to the other: Stop! Stop! A bug just flew into my eye.









Sorry

As a non-English speaker, this is how I remember the difference between niece & nephew.

A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doc: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you

Woman : Oh no! Not my brother! He'...

I tried telling my 4 year old nephew that it’s perfectly fine to accidentally poo your pants…

But he’s not buying it. In fact, he’s still making fun of me

From my 7 year old nephew: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the dummies house.

Knock knock... Who's there?

A chicken.

My 6 year old nephew's favorite joke. Tells it every chance he gets.

My little nephew wanted to share a joke he was very proud of coming up with: Why did the hotdog get grounded?

It was being a brat!

I bought my nephew a pair of airpods for his birthday.

The kid was so ungrateful, he didn't even say thank you. He just started throwing up gang signs at me.



I think he's fallen into a bad crowd ever since he went deaf.

(6yo nephew came to me and blurted) What does the cheese say to the other cheese passing by ?

Have a grate day.

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My 12 year old nephew told me this joke..

I have a green ball in my left hand and a green ball in my right hand.. What else do I have?

The hulk's dick in my mouth!

Cracked me up, he's really posh so was totally unexpected!

I was injured playing Peekaboo with my nephew.

I had to go to the I.C.U.

I mistakenly hired a mortician for my nephew's birthday

He didn't know any tricks, but he made a great ventriloquist

(A joke my 3 y/o nephew came up with)

Kiddo: knock knock

Mom: who’s there?

Kid: Daddy. Because I locked the door. *laughs hysterically*

Clothes make the man (Joke from my nephew)

What's the difference between a sharp-dressed fellow on a bicycle and a raggedy looking guy on a unicycle?

Attire.

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I bought my nephew a puppy.

But it was hit by a car and died, so now I'm stuck with a fucking puppy.

Also from my 7 year old nephew: What is it called when Olaf is crying?

A meltdown.

My nephew asked me to drop him at the garden

I don't know why he cried so much when I did it. Dropping from 6 ft wouldn't hurt that much, would it?

My nephew's first words were, "I'm a firestarter".

He was a child prodigy.

my nephew turns 3 this august

but since money tight we just not gon' tell him

From the 7 year old nephew: Why didn't the volcano eat dinner?

Because its plates were broken.

(Pun from my kid nephew): How do you have a party in outer space?

Planet

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My 4 year old nephew is learning about manners and also learning Spanish. He said “Can you por favor me some juice?”

He followed up with: “I don’t have to say PLEASE because I already DID.” Smart ass.

I told my nephew that I was named after George Washington.

He said, "but Uncle, your name is Jon." I said,"I know I was named AFTER George Washington."

So my nephew just wanted to know...

Have you heard the joke about the balloon that met the cactussssssssssssh

My nephews hate my ‘dad’ jokes

They say I’m very un-cool

I asked my nephew if he had seen my newspaper

He told me that newspapers were old school. Then he said people use tablets today and handed me his iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I...

One from my nephew: Whats Scooby-Doo's favorite piece of clothing?

A SCARF!

When convicted, why couldn't Santa's nephew complete his sentence?

He was a subordinate Clause.

My 8-year old nephew told me a joke the other day, and it was priceless... Why can't Santa touch his toes?

Because he doesn't exist!

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My nephew and I were walking in the park...

My nephew and I were walking in the park when we saw two dogs locked in coitus. My nephew asked, "Uncle Mac, what are those dogs doing?" Thinking fast, I said, "The one in back hurt its paw and the one in front is helping it walk." My nephew then said, "That's just like some people. They say they'r...

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My nephew was born without eye lids

But the made him some from the foreskin of his circumcision.

Now hes cockeyed.

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A joke my eight-year-old nephew told me...

Where do you stick your dick into a friend with benefits?

In her palvis.

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My little nephew is going to grow up to be such an asshole.

Check this out, it’s his birthday a couple of weeks ago, and, being that his mother (my wife’s sister) doesn’t have much money, we decide to get him a really nice gift. You know, something a 7 year old kid would be thrilled with. So we buy him a full-size trampoline. This thing is like 10 feet acros...

My nephew wanted an Xbox for his birthday but didn't get one and was very upset.

He had to be consoled.

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My sister-in-law was pissed when she saw me tickling my nephew's legs

She screamed something like " wait till he is born".

My 4 year old nephew just came up with this joke and proceeded to laugh for 20 minutes after saying it...

When Batman cracks a joke...
He becomes the joker

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I taught my nephew to skip the first "H" whenever he reads/pronounce English words

E.g honest, hour, honour. Later that day i told him to *heat* my food in the microwave. I almost killed that bastard.

My nephew was doing his history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo?

I said, "He was a poor boy, from a poor family."

My nephew asked me how I felt about cow tipping.

I told him I could not remember the last time I had a cow waiter.

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My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.

I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.

The other day I dropped my baby nephew and my sister started freaking out

I understand that I should be more careful, but let’s be honest, who the f*** brings a baby to the Grand Canyon?

Courtesy of my five year old nephew

What do you call an onion ring shaped like a bell?


An onion ding!

My nephew is in the 'why' phase of his life as a 6 year old...

and I told him 'Because it feels nice and you're an unreliable witness!'

A joke from my 6 year old nephew

Q: Why is Santa's sack always full?

A: Because he only comes once a year

My 6 yr old nephew asked me... what did the bee say to his wife?

Oh honey!!!

A joke my 4 year old nephew made up. (It makes no sense, but still made me laugh.)

If the three legged turtle crosses the road what color is the rabbit?
Green! Because Space Jam was a good movie.

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A man and his nephew

A man and his nephew are working in the field one afternoon.
The man was drinking a beer as they worked,
The nephew asks his uncle for a sip of his beer.

The man replies, "does your dick reach your asshole?"
The nephew says, "no, it doesn't."
The man says, "then no, that's the rul...

My 4 year old nephew desided to count, how many different jokes you can find on r/Jokes

- But Johnny, - I said, - you only can count to 20!

- I don't think it's a problem, - he replied.

Was told this on my wedding day 16 years ago by my 8 year old nephew...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and tells the bartender this is his first time at a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender hands him a bottle and says “Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?” The grasshopper shakes his head in amazement and says “What?!? i didnt know you had a drink named...

A guy in a wheelchair once applied for Stars in their Eyes with his nephew and they both successfully got on the show...

...when asked about his accident by the presenter, he stated "Well me and nephew are both glazers you see, and one day my nephew, who is here with me tonight, was up a ladder holding onto this double glazed window that we were both installing, when it suddenly slipped from his grasp and sliced strai...

A wealthy and blind American businessman writes to his nephew in Soviet Russia asking him to come to America to help him with his business.

The nephew is called to NKVD headquarters as a result. The interrogator says, "Write to your uncle and ask him to close his company and come to the USSR. We will provide him with everything."

The nephew says, "I'm sorry but you didn't understand. My uncle lost his eyesight, not his mind."

At a family get together I asked my 14 year old nephew, " Ryan did you blow bubbles when you were growing up?"

"No"

"Well he's in town and he said he was looking for you".

I knew I was an adult when my sister-in-law asked me to supervise my nephew while he was using scissors for a craft project.

I knew I wasn't an adult when he stabbed himself in the eye and I passed out.

What do you call an incestuous nephew?

An aunt-eater.

Told my nephew the story of the grasshopper and the ant. The ant saved up for winter while the grasshopper didn't. I asked my nephew at the end of the story Me:What is the moral of the story?

Nephew: You should never live in a Fall's sense of security

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Nephew asks how babies are made

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a h...

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

My 12 yr old nephew: What do you call a reptile that always starts drama?

An instigator!

My 4 year old nephew's favourite joke.

Knock knock!

who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

No, You're a poo!

Followed by devious laughter.

My nephew came up to me and asked for advice to meet women.

I gave him my old tablet.

My nephew is at that age where he no longer wants to be held.

I guess turning 39 changed his attitude.

My Nephew's pet chicken died.

I couldn't help asking if the funeral will be fried or roasted.

A joke my nephew told me

How do ghost listen to music?

With a bootooth

I bought my nephews some Cisformers for Christmas.

They start off as cars – and stay that way.

My nephew's teacher asked for parents to chaperone a field trip. My brother couldn't go.

"I'll go," I said. "I'm an adult."

"Yeah," said my brother, "but that's not apparent."

From my 3yr old nephew: Why do chickens sit on their eggs?

Because they don't have chairs.

My newborn nephew entered the world with the innate ability to dance. They ran tests and found that he got the ability by being born with an extra chromosome. The doctors are calling it...

"Get down syndrome"

My douchebag nephew puts on loads of deodorant and I have a hard time understanding him.

He has too strong of an axe scent.

What is Bruce Jenner's nephew's favorite movie?

Aunt Man

I couldn't decide whether to get my nephew a toy or a pet for his first birthday.

Ended up buying him a rattlesnake.

My nephew complained about hair in his food.

I told him that in my day that is how all fish tacos were served.

Hey Reddit. My nephew is terminal and we are raising $5000 for a hiking trip across the country!

It's too depressing staying with this sick kid.

My nephew was driving me crazy with his juvenile comebacks to everything I said, so I pushed him into the campfire.

Roasted!

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My brother just fed my 10 m.o. nephew a whole bowl guacamole before dropping him off with me. Now I've gotta change the diaper.

What a dip shit.

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Talking about planets with my nephew.

He asked if you could Plow thru Uranus because it's all gas

I saw a meerkat save its nephew from an eagle's clutches at the very last second.

It was a meer-uncle.

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his nephew in the jungle?

...

My nephew hated working outside in landscaping, so I got him a job in the twin towers;

I don't know why he keeps complaining about it being an inside job

My nephew is turning three next week,

but due to budget issues, we're not going to tell him.

Helpful nephew

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew having a snack.
"Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She is upstairs, said she was going to take a shower." came the reply.
"Do you know how long it's been? I need to ask her an urgent question." I asked.
He stepped into the nearby bathro...

What’s the perfect ‘S’ word?

Sword.

A ridiculously rich man is buying his 6 year old nephew a birthday present

On his birthday, the boy gets a Porsche 911. For Christmas that year, the man bought his nephew a massive yacht. For his 7th birthday, the man bought his nephew a weeks holiday in Dubai. The boy's dad was getting worried about his son, as he wasn't getting gifts that a child his age would normally g...

- Congratulations, my boy! - Says the uncle to the nephew who is getting married the next day.

- I'm sure a couple of years from now, you will remind of this day as the happiest day of your life!
- But I'm only getting married tomorrow - responds the nephew.
- Yeah - explains uncle - That is exactly what I meant!

Why did the Toilet Paper trip on the door mat?

It ran out.



Courtesy of my six year old nephew !!!

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The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

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