Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He's a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock...

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No idiot... Cows go moo!

(A joke my 3 y/o nephew came up with)

Kiddo: knock knock

Mom: who’s there?

Kid: Daddy. Because I locked the door. *laughs hysterically*

At a family get together I asked my 14 year old nephew, " Ryan did you blow bubbles when you were growing up?"

"No"

"Well he's in town and he said he was looking for you".

I asked my nephew if he had seen my newspaper

He told me that newspapers were old school. Then he said people use tablets today and handed me his iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

So my nephew just wanted to know...

Have you heard the joke about the balloon that met the cactussssssssssssh

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

Joke by my 4 year old nephew, please try not to downvote. It made me laugh when he said it though.

Nephew: are you gluten intolerant?


Me(surprised he knew about gluten): yes I am, sweetheart


Nephew: how intolerant of you

I told my nephew that I was named after George Washington.

He said, "but Uncle, your name is Jon." I said,"I know I was named AFTER George Washington."

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My sister-in-law was pissed when she saw me tickling my nephew's legs

She screamed something like " wait till he is born".

My nephew took a career placement test at school.

It told him he was going to be a pirate when he grew up. My sister was furious. She matched to the school and demanded to speak to his teacher.

"Why does this test say that my son is supposed to be a pirate?! Is this some kind of joke?"

The teacher calmly pulled out the boy's report c...

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My 12 year old nephew told me this joke..

I have a green ball in my left hand and a green ball in my right hand.. What else do I have?

The hulk's dick in my mouth!

Cracked me up, he's really posh so was totally unexpected!

My 8-year old nephew told me a joke the other day, and it was priceless... Why can't Santa touch his toes?

Because he doesn't exist!

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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

A wealthy and blind American businessman writes to his nephew in Soviet Russia asking him to come to America to help him with his business.

The nephew is called to NKVD headquarters as a result. The interrogator says, "Write to your uncle and ask him to close his company and come to the USSR. We will provide him with everything."

The nephew says, "I'm sorry but you didn't understand. My uncle lost his eyesight, not his mind."

As a non-English speaker, this is how I remember the difference between niece & nephew.

A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doc: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you

Woman : Oh no! Not my brother! He'...

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My nephew and I were walking in the park...

My nephew and I were walking in the park when we saw two dogs locked in coitus. My nephew asked, "Uncle Mac, what are those dogs doing?" Thinking fast, I said, "The one in back hurt its paw and the one in front is helping it walk." My nephew then said, "That's just like some people. They say they'r...

I knew I was an adult when my sister-in-law asked me to supervise my nephew while he was using scissors for a craft project.

I knew I wasn't an adult when he stabbed himself in the eye and I passed out.

Courtesy of my five year old nephew

What do you call an onion ring shaped like a bell?


An onion ding!

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

My nephew asked me how I felt about cow tipping.

I told him I could not remember the last time I had a cow waiter.

My nephew's teacher asked for parents to chaperone a field trip. My brother couldn't go.

"I'll go," I said. "I'm an adult."

"Yeah," said my brother, "but that's not apparent."

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My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.

I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.

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For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

My 4 year old nephew just came up with this joke and proceeded to laugh for 20 minutes after saying it...

When Batman cracks a joke...
He becomes the joker

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

I caught my nephew using "Duck" in place of the F word.

I had to stop him, I know his dad wouldn't approve of such fowl language.

My nephew wanted an Xbox for his birthday but didn't get one and was very upset.

He had to be consoled.

Your mom is so dumb...

that she returned the donuts to Krispy Kreme because they had holes in them.

(5 year old nephew told me this)

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Ralph, the department store parrot

During its hayday, Goldfinches was a glorious department store, with gorgeous decorations, including a Aviary centerpiece, where Ralph held court. You see, Ralph had a special ability to detect what people wanted by their appearance, and he would tell them where to look for the thing they needed....

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My eight year old nephew said he had a joke:

“What did the ant say to the other ant?”
“I dunno, what?”
“Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.”
“Yeah, that’s not really a joke kid.”
He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. “It’s an ant-y joke, asshole.”

My nephew was doing his history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo?

I said, "He was a poor boy, from a poor family."

Oh, sure everyone loves Star Wars on May 4th...

Until you tell your nephew you’re his father!

Told my nephew the story of the grasshopper and the ant. The ant saved up for winter while the grasshopper didn't. I asked my nephew at the end of the story Me:What is the moral of the story?

Nephew: You should never live in a Fall's sense of security

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My sister is taking my nephews to the gun range to teach them about gun safety.

They’re not looking forward to sex ed.

My 6 yr old nephew asked me... what did the bee say to his wife?

Oh honey!!!

My nephew is at that age where he no longer wants to be held.

I guess turning 39 changed his attitude.

I saw a meerkat save its nephew from an eagle's clutches at the very last second.

It was a meer-uncle.

I once dunked over someone so hard that they started to cry...

...my brother says I'm not allowed to see my nephew anymore

A joke from my 6 year old nephew

Q: Why is Santa's sack always full?

A: Because he only comes once a year

My nephew came up to me and asked for advice to meet women.

I gave him my old tablet.

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I...

I’ve got too much thyme on my hands

My hours are only parsley filled. I have anise and a nephew that I babysit, they are gingers, while my hair is salt and pepper. I guess these puns are kinda vanilla, but they’re just going to keep cumin. What’s a superheroes favorite garnish? Capers! If I keep it up you might spray me with mace. A g...

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My little nephew is going to grow up to be such an asshole.

Check this out, it’s his birthday a couple of weeks ago, and, being that his mother (my wife’s sister) doesn’t have much money, we decide to get him a really nice gift. You know, something a 7 year old kid would be thrilled with. So we buy him a full-size trampoline. This thing is like 10 feet acros...

My nephew's friend Jose, who is only 8, wrote three letters to the White House

this past year requesting immigration policy reform.

But they haven't even written back or acknowledged that they've read them.

"It's almost like talking to a wall," he says.

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I taught my nephew to skip the first "H" whenever he reads/pronounce English words

E.g honest, hour, honour. Later that day i told him to *heat* my food in the microwave. I almost killed that bastard.

Do you have a banana?

My six year old nephew just cracked this joke after the NFC game, we could not stop laughing. Alcohol might have played a role!

A monkey goes to a bar...

Monkey to bartender: Do you have a banana?

Bartender: No

Monkey: Do you have a banana?

Bartender: No

Mon...

My douchebag nephew puts on loads of deodorant and I have a hard time understanding him.

He has too strong of an axe scent.

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An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

My 12 yr old nephew: What do you call a reptile that always starts drama?

An instigator!

Reality TV..

I REALISED my 10 year old nephew had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative’s wedding.

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, “Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?”

My 8year old nephew told me this

How do you get a tissue to dance?
You put some boogie in it.

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Nephew asks how babies are made

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a h...

Last week, I took a Dallas Cowboys jersey away from my 2-year-old nephew.

It was a choking hazard.

I couldn't decide whether to get my nephew a toy or a pet for his first birthday.

Ended up buying him a rattlesnake.

My 4 year old nephew's favourite joke.

Knock knock!

who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

No, You're a poo!

Followed by devious laughter.

What do you call an incestuous nephew?

An aunt-eater.

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The Cityslicker (an old Jerry Clower story retold)

This ole' country boy invited his cityslicker friend out to the countryside to go hunting. When his friend arrives, the country boy tells him, "We'll head out to my uncle James' place. He's got a big spread and won't mind if we do some hunting on it."

So they head out and upon arrival, the c...

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A man and his nephew

A man and his nephew are working in the field one afternoon.
The man was drinking a beer as they worked,
The nephew asks his uncle for a sip of his beer.

The man replies, "does your dick reach your asshole?"
The nephew says, "no, it doesn't."
The man says, "then no, that's the rul...

A joke my 4 year old nephew made up. (It makes no sense, but still made me laugh.)

If the three legged turtle crosses the road what color is the rabbit?
Green! Because Space Jam was a good movie.

Hey Reddit. My nephew is terminal and we are raising $5000 for a hiking trip across the country!

It's too depressing staying with this sick kid.

What is Bruce Jenner's nephew's favorite movie?

Aunt Man

I bought my nephews some Cisformers for Christmas.

They start off as cars – and stay that way.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

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What's relative velocity?

The speed at which your uncle fucks your ass

Courtesy of my 17 yr old nephew.

My nephew is in the 'why' phase of his life as a 6 year old...

and I told him 'Because it feels nice and you're an unreliable witness!'

My newborn nephew entered the world with the innate ability to dance. They ran tests and found that he got the ability by being born with an extra chromosome. The doctors are calling it...

"Get down syndrome"

My Nephew's pet chicken died.

I couldn't help asking if the funeral will be fried or roasted.

My nephew complained about hair in his food.

I told him that in my day that is how all fish tacos were served.

A joke my nephew told me

How do ghost listen to music?

With a bootooth

Addicted.

So, my 9 year old nephew says to his mum "Mum, i've got a joke for you"

"Okay" she says hesitantly.

"Okay, I'm going to ask you a series of questions, but i'm going to give you the answer to the questions at the start"

"Okay, go"

"So, the answer is 'addicted'. Now here ar...

From my 3yr old nephew: Why do chickens sit on their eggs?

Because they don't have chairs.

My nephew was driving me crazy with his juvenile comebacks to everything I said, so I pushed him into the campfire.

Roasted!

Why does Venus have a crush on the sun?

Because the sun is really hot!

This gem came from my 8 year old nephew.

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

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My father in the delivery room: 1973

My younger brother was born a few hours prior to this so dad and his buddies are clamoring around the hospital drinking, celebrating and smoking cigars - in the hospital, it was 1973 after all

They manage to find their way to the nursery and look in at the babies cooing at them as each one is...

Why did the computer go to sleep?

It was key-bored!

(An original joke from my 5 year old nephew, a budding comedic genius with impeccable timing!)

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My brother just fed my 10 m.o. nephew a whole bowl guacamole before dropping him off with me. Now I've gotta change the diaper.

What a dip shit.

My nephew is turning three next week,

but due to budget issues, we're not going to tell him.

Helpful nephew

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew having a snack.
"Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She is upstairs, said she was going to take a shower." came the reply.
"Do you know how long it's been? I need to ask her an urgent question." I asked.
He stepped into the nearby bathro...

What kind of pants does a ghost wear?

A pair a normal pants

My nephew's answer:Scaredy Pants

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Talking about planets with my nephew.

He asked if you could Plow thru Uranus because it's all gas

What do you call an alien with only one eye?

What do you call an alien with one missing eye?

Alen

(My nephew helped me make this joke up many years ago,
we know the spelling is wrong.)

My parents got a divorce.

It's okay though I'm still their nephew

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his nephew in the jungle?

...

The Three Monks

Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite exc...

- Congratulations, my boy! - Says the uncle to the nephew who is getting married the next day.

- I'm sure a couple of years from now, you will remind of this day as the happiest day of your life!
- But I'm only getting married tomorrow - responds the nephew.
- Yeah - explains uncle - That is exactly what I meant!

You guys wanna hear a construction joke?

..... hold on I'm working on it.


(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)

I just feel bad for him.

One of my nephews has suddenly started getting really good grades in math. But I'm not convinced because he has always struggled with this subject.

I know him, he's really dumb and doesn't understand a thing. Plus his gorgeous math teacher has a registered history of having affairs with stud...

A ridiculously rich man is buying his 6 year old nephew a birthday present

On his birthday, the boy gets a Porsche 911. For Christmas that year, the man bought his nephew a massive yacht. For his 7th birthday, the man bought his nephew a weeks holiday in Dubai. The boy's dad was getting worried about his son, as he wasn't getting gifts that a child his age would normally g...

Why do we have so many guys named Hunter

but no girls named Gatherer?

source: not sure if this was a genuine question from nephew or a joke

Why did the kid eat his homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew

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Dmitri the Great

Dmitri is standing on the hill with his nephew Costa. Below them is a magnificent harbour filled with beautiful ships and yachts. Dmitri says "I used to be a shipbuilder. A lot of these yachts came from my yard. Famous people from all over the world used to come to me so I could build them yacht...

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I think my friend might be gay

I went over to his house to watch Lord of the Rings, anyway do you remember how it begins with Bilbo celebrating his 111th birthday in the shire, reuniting with his old friend, Gandalf, Bilbo reveals that he intends to leave the Shire for one last adventure, and he leaves his inheritance, including ...

Why was the ketchup feeling bad?

Because it had the squirts.

Courtesy of my 8 year old nephew

Three men are sitting on a hill...

They decide to have a competition. The goal is to throw your watch up in the air, run down the hill, and catch it.
The first man prepares himself and throws up his watch. He runs as fast as he can down the hill, but the watch gets there before he does.
The second man (who is much faster than...

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Kids are so ungrateful these days.

I got my 11 year old nephew a trampoline for his birthday, and instead of thanking me, the little cunt just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

What do Osama Bin Ladin’s friends call him?

Brosama

Source: my 6 year old nephew

A man is sitting in a coffee shop

(Kinda long) The man is sitting in a coffee shop, when his nephew walks in, his nephew tells him that his brother has died, and that the child is homeless. The man yells at the boy: “I haven’t had my coffee yet! Don’t talk to me!” The boy runs away. A voice calls out: “help! We need a doctor! This m...

An elderly woman is holding a funeral for her recently deceased husband

After the viewing, she discusses how kind and honest of a man her husband was, how she was so sad to see him go, and she bursts into tears.

Her nephew, after consoling his mourning aunt , asks “May I say a word”.

Through tears she says, “Of course”

He takes a moment and says “Pl...

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A lion was chasing Uncle in Africa

A Uncle was trying to impress his nephew

Uncle: You know, when I was traveling in African Savannah alone, I went close to a sleeping lion to photograph him.

Nephew: What happened next?

Uncle: The lion suddenly wakes up, and start chasing me.

Nephew: Wow, what happened ...

What do you call it when a bunch of stock markets suddenly show in the same place!

An investation.

(Credit to my 10 year old nephew James)

When my wife gave birth to twins, she went into a coma.

Upon waking up, she heard that her stupid brother named them.
Hearing the girl's name, Denise, she thought it wasn't gonna be so bad.
Then she heard the boy's name.
"DeNephew"

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Got hit in the bum by Thor

really need an Aesguard.....as told by my 11yr old nephew....

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