UPJOKE
soncousinuncleauntbrothergrandsonfathergrandfatherstepsongranddaughterniecesisterstepfatherfamilydaughter

Nephew Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

Joke by my 4 year old nephew, please try not to downvote. It made me laugh when he said it though.

Nephew: are you gluten intolerant?


Me(surprised he knew about gluten): yes I am, sweetheart


Nephew: how intolerant of you

A Mexican man applies for a job at the pentagon

A Mexican man, let's call him Carlos, applies for a job at the Pentagon. As part of the hiring process they send a couple of agents to talk to the man's friends, family and any associated to see if they can find anything that would show that he's not suitable for the job. When the agents go to talk ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My nephew said "All boxers are gay"

I asked him "Why?"

He said "Because they're all fighting for a belt and a purse!"

My four-year-old nephew still can’t say ‘please’ in Spanish.

That’s poor for four.

I went to pick my nephew up from work, but unbeknownst to me, he was at his friend's house.

I returned with nothing to chauffer it.

It took a long time to teach my nephew that violence is never ever the answer.

I think I finally beat it into him.

Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He's a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock...

Who's there?

Cows go.

Cows go who?

No idiot... Cows go moo!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My eight year old nephew said he had a joke:

“What did the ant say to the other ant?”
“I dunno, what?”
“Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.”
“Yeah, that’s not really a joke kid.”
He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. “It’s an ant-y joke, asshole.”

My baby nephew got apprehended by the police after refusing his usual naptime

He was resisting a rest

What's a shirt's favorite song?

Fleece Navidad

My 8 year old nephew told me this today.

Today, my 10 y/o nephew proudly showed me a model airplane he had built.

"Not too bad," I said, pulling out my iPhone. "But see what Chinese kids of your age can do."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The box of condoms

Young couple finishes having sex when the female rolls over and looks at the box of condoms sitting on the nights stand, and notices that there are only six left out of the original dozen

She says,

\- ”We only used one. What happened to the other 5 condoms?”

The young man thinks...

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My nephew got into his dad's viagra stash.

He's in the hospital with 3rd degree burns on his hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my nephew told me recently... Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their ass quack

My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say the word for "please" though, which I think is poor for four

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last Christmas, I told my 5 year old nephew that pooping in your pants is just an accident and there’s no shame for an accident

But to this day that little fucker keeps teasing me about it.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the dummies house.

Knock knock... Who's there?

A chicken.

My 6 year old nephew's favorite joke. Tells it every chance he gets.

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

What’s the perfect ‘S’ word?

Sword.

Why did Jesus’s nieces and nephews hate his wife?

Because she was the Aunty Christ.

Did you hear of the Ukrainian soldier who didn’t want to fight, but, when called upon to do so, defended the lives of his wife’s mom, her dad, her sister, her two brothers, her nieces and her nephews, and others who hadn’t been born yet - all with the help of a shoulder-fired missile?

He loves his NLAWs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him

When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

I hear that women that have nieces and nephews do better with covid.

They have more aunty bodies!!!!

Where did the peeping Tom go when he fell out of a tree and broke his foot?

The I.C.U.

(Courtesy my nephew)

Why did the Toilet Paper trip on the door mat?

It ran out.



Courtesy of my six year old nephew !!!

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby...

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
...

From my 7 year old nephew: What's the difference between a cat and a frog?

A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.

[OC] I'm gonna name my daughter Vaccine...

That way she will have to explain to her nieces and nephews why she is Auntie Vax.

What do you call a dolphin in the woods?

Dead.

My 4yo nephew just made this one up.

What do you call a cheeseburger that’s on the move?

A slider.

My 10 year old nephew came up with this one, I think he nailed it!

Tony Dungy visits Bill Belicheck to try and learn the Patriots secrets.

He asks Bill about how he always wins no mater what is going on.

Bill calls Tom Brady into his office and asks him "who is you father's brother's nephew?"

Brady responds "Me"

Bill turns to Tony and says "see you, need smart players"

The next day at practice Tony calls ove...

My little nephew wanted to share a joke he was very proud of coming up with: Why did the hotdog get grounded?

It was being a brat!

My 6-year-old nephew asked me to post his joke.

Two flies riding on a motorbike.

One says to the other: Stop! Stop! A bug just flew into my eye.









Sorry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 12 year old nephew told me this joke..

I have a green ball in my left hand and a green ball in my right hand.. What else do I have?

The hulk's dick in my mouth!

Cracked me up, he's really posh so was totally unexpected!

(A joke my 3 y/o nephew came up with)

Kiddo: knock knock

Mom: who’s there?

Kid: Daddy. Because I locked the door. *laughs hysterically*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought my nephew a puppy.

But it was hit by a car and died, so now I'm stuck with a fucking puppy.

Also from my 7 year old nephew: What is it called when Olaf is crying?

A meltdown.

I tried telling my 4 year old nephew that it’s perfectly fine to accidentally poo your pants…

But he’s not buying it. In fact, he’s still making fun of me

Why did the kid eat his homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew

A pregnant woman goes into a coma

A pregnant woman goes into a coma moments after she gives birth to twins, one boy and one girl.
When she finally wakes up several days later, she cries out frantically to see her children.
The doctors come to her, and the first thing she asks is "How are my children?"
"Fine" says the doc...

The Three Monks

Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite exc...

You guys wanna hear a construction joke?

..... hold on I'm working on it.


(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)

As kids see it

My five year old nephew came home after a fight with his friend swearing never to talk to him again. “Forgive and forget.” I told him “that’s what I do when my friends hurt me. We met the boy a few days later and the two ignored each other. “What is the problem?” I asked

“well” he replied “...

I bought my nephew a pair of airpods for his birthday.

The kid was so ungrateful, he didn't even say thank you. He just started throwing up gang signs at me.



I think he's fallen into a bad crowd ever since he went deaf.

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I...

I mistakenly hired a mortician for my nephew's birthday

He didn't know any tricks, but he made a great ventriloquist

(6yo nephew came to me and blurted) What does the cheese say to the other cheese passing by ?

Have a grate day.

So my nephew just wanted to know...

Have you heard the joke about the balloon that met the cactussssssssssssh

My nephews hate my ‘dad’ jokes

They say I’m very un-cool

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kids are so ungrateful these days.

I got my 11 year old nephew a trampoline for his birthday, and instead of thanking me, the little cunt just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

My nephew asked me to drop him at the garden

I don't know why he cried so much when I did it. Dropping from 6 ft wouldn't hurt that much, would it?

My nephew's first words were, "I'm a firestarter".

He was a child prodigy.

Why are cows such great coworkers?

Because they’re out standing in their field.


My 8-year-old nephew said this joke today and he can’t stop laughing. I thought you all would enjoy it.

Teacher asks students

\- "Did you ever save anybody's life?"

\- "I did." Steve raises his hand.

\- "Whose life did you save?"

\- "My nephew’s."

\- "How?"

\- "I hid my sister's birth control pills."

Clothes make the man (Joke from my nephew)

What's the difference between a sharp-dressed fellow on a bicycle and a raggedy looking guy on a unicycle?

Attire.

(Pun from my kid nephew): How do you have a party in outer space?

Planet

From the 7 year old nephew: Why didn't the volcano eat dinner?

Because its plates were broken.

Your mom is so dumb...

that she returned the donuts to Krispy Kreme because they had holes in them.

(5 year old nephew told me this)

I told my nephew that I was named after George Washington.

He said, "but Uncle, your name is Jon." I said,"I know I was named AFTER George Washington."

I asked my nephew if he had seen my newspaper

He told me that newspapers were old school. Then he said people use tablets today and handed me his iPad.

That fly didn't stand a chance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my eight-year-old nephew told me...

Where do you stick your dick into a friend with benefits?

In her palvis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My nephew was born without eye lids

But the made him some from the foreskin of his circumcision.

Now hes cockeyed.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful. But then there came a new artist who's painting rivaled even his own best pieces. The usually very calm and docile curly haired man started to resent this competition and plotted how to get rid of him. Over the years he tried, unsuccessfully...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My little nephew is going to grow up to be such an asshole.

Check this out, it’s his birthday a couple of weeks ago, and, being that his mother (my wife’s sister) doesn’t have much money, we decide to get him a really nice gift. You know, something a 7 year old kid would be thrilled with. So we buy him a full-size trampoline. This thing is like 10 feet acros...

One from my nephew: Whats Scooby-Doo's favorite piece of clothing?

A SCARF!

I’ve got too much thyme on my hands

My hours are only parsley filled. I have anise and a nephew that I babysit, they are gingers, while my hair is salt and pepper. I guess these puns are kinda vanilla, but they’re just going to keep cumin. What’s a superheroes favorite garnish? Capers! If I keep it up you might spray me with mace. A g...

My nephew wanted an Xbox for his birthday but didn't get one and was very upset.

He had to be consoled.

My 8-year old nephew told me a joke the other day, and it was priceless... Why can't Santa touch his toes?

Because he doesn't exist!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I taught my nephew to skip the first "H" whenever he reads/pronounce English words

E.g honest, hour, honour. Later that day i told him to *heat* my food in the microwave. I almost killed that bastard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.

I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.

When convicted, why couldn't Santa's nephew complete his sentence?

He was a subordinate Clause.

An elderly woman is holding a funeral for her recently deceased husband

After the viewing, she discusses how kind and honest of a man her husband was, how she was so sad to see him go, and she bursts into tears.

Her nephew, after consoling his mourning aunt , asks “May I say a word”.

Through tears she says, “Of course”

He takes a moment and says “Pl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sister-in-law was pissed when she saw me tickling my nephew's legs

She screamed something like " wait till he is born".

My 4 year old nephew just came up with this joke and proceeded to laugh for 20 minutes after saying it...

When Batman cracks a joke...
He becomes the joker

My nephew is in the 'why' phase of his life as a 6 year old...

and I told him 'Because it feels nice and you're an unreliable witness!'

What do you call an alien with only one eye?

What do you call an alien with one missing eye?

Alen

(My nephew helped me make this joke up many years ago,
we know the spelling is wrong.)

Matthew Broderick has just announced a sequel to one of his biggest films!

He'll play Iron Man's nephew who skips school to go on a wacky adventure in Chicago with his friends!

Its called "Ferrous Bueller's Day Off".

My nephew was doing his history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo?

I said, "He was a poor boy, from a poor family."

Addicted.

So, my 9 year old nephew says to his mum "Mum, i've got a joke for you"

"Okay" she says hesitantly.

"Okay, I'm going to ask you a series of questions, but i'm going to give you the answer to the questions at the start"

"Okay, go"

"So, the answer is 'addicted'. Now here ar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ralph, the department store parrot

During its hayday, Goldfinches was a glorious department store, with gorgeous decorations, including a Aviary centerpiece, where Ralph held court. You see, Ralph had a special ability to detect what people wanted by their appearance, and he would tell them where to look for the thing they needed....

A redneck couple gets pregnant, what will they have?

Either a niece or a nephew.

My nephew asked me how I felt about cow tipping.

I told him I could not remember the last time I had a cow waiter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My nephew and I were walking in the park...

My nephew and I were walking in the park when we saw two dogs locked in coitus. My nephew asked, "Uncle Mac, what are those dogs doing?" Thinking fast, I said, "The one in back hurt its paw and the one in front is helping it walk." My nephew then said, "That's just like some people. They say they'r...

My 4 year old nephew desided to count, how many different jokes you can find on r/Jokes

- But Johnny, - I said, - you only can count to 20!

- I don't think it's a problem, - he replied.

The other day I dropped my baby nephew and my sister started freaking out

I understand that I should be more careful, but let’s be honest, who the f*** brings a baby to the Grand Canyon?

Courtesy of my five year old nephew

What do you call an onion ring shaped like a bell?


An onion ding!

A joke from my 6 year old nephew

Q: Why is Santa's sack always full?

A: Because he only comes once a year

Why cant the uncle touch his knees anymore?

His father filed a restraining order after what he did to his nephew.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

After his rich uncle's death, he was very anxious about his uncle fortune.

"Am I mentioned in the will?" he asked repeatedly.

"Of course you are," replied the solicitor.

Right here in the second page your uncle says:

"To my niece Sally, I bequeath $123,000; to my cousin Thomas, $55,000; and to my nephew Ricky, who was always asking too know if he's me...

Was told this on my wedding day 16 years ago by my 8 year old nephew...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and tells the bartender this is his first time at a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender hands him a bottle and says “Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?” The grasshopper shakes his head in amazement and says “What?!? i didnt know you had a drink named...

A wealthy and blind American businessman writes to his nephew in Soviet Russia asking him to come to America to help him with his business.

The nephew is called to NKVD headquarters as a result. The interrogator says, "Write to your uncle and ask him to close his company and come to the USSR. We will provide him with everything."

The nephew says, "I'm sorry but you didn't understand. My uncle lost his eyesight, not his mind."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think my friend might be gay

I went over to his house to watch Lord of the Rings, anyway do you remember how it begins with Bilbo celebrating his 111th birthday in the shire, reuniting with his old friend, Gandalf, Bilbo reveals that he intends to leave the Shire for one last adventure, and he leaves his inheritance, including ...

Oh, sure everyone loves Star Wars on May 4th...

Until you tell your nephew you’re his father!

My 4 year old nephew's favourite joke.

Knock knock!

who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

No, You're a poo!

Followed by devious laughter.

What kind of pants does a ghost wear?

A pair a normal pants

My nephew's answer:Scaredy Pants

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nephew asks how babies are made

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a h...

When my wife gave birth to twins, she went into a coma.

Upon waking up, she heard that her stupid brother named them.
Hearing the girl's name, Denise, she thought it wasn't gonna be so bad.
Then she heard the boy's name.
"DeNephew"

I once dunked over someone so hard that they started to cry...

...my brother says I'm not allowed to see my nephew anymore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lion was chasing Uncle in Africa

A Uncle was trying to impress his nephew

Uncle: You know, when I was traveling in African Savannah alone, I went close to a sleeping lion to photograph him.

Nephew: What happened next?

Uncle: The lion suddenly wakes up, and start chasing me.

Nephew: Wow, what happened ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My father in the delivery room: 1973

My younger brother was born a few hours prior to this so dad and his buddies are clamoring around the hospital drinking, celebrating and smoking cigars - in the hospital, it was 1973 after all

They manage to find their way to the nursery and look in at the babies cooing at them as each one is...

A guy in a wheelchair once applied for Stars in their Eyes with his nephew and they both successfully got on the show...

...when asked about his accident by the presenter, he stated "Well me and nephew are both glazers you see, and one day my nephew, who is here with me tonight, was up a ladder holding onto this double glazed window that we were both installing, when it suddenly slipped from his grasp and sliced strai...

Reality TV..

I REALISED my 10 year old nephew had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative’s wedding.

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, “Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?”

Having a baby girl? You should name her Artica.

It's awesome because all her nieces and nephews will have an Aunt Artica.

I knew I was an adult when my sister-in-law asked me to supervise my nephew while he was using scissors for a craft project.

I knew I wasn't an adult when he stabbed himself in the eye and I passed out.

My 12 yr old nephew: What do you call a reptile that always starts drama?

An instigator!

Why do we have so many guys named Hunter

but no girls named Gatherer?

source: not sure if this was a genuine question from nephew or a joke

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.