My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans...

I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

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My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer.

I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.

My 4 year old nephew just came up with this joke and proceeded to laugh for 20 minutes after saying it...

When Batman cracks a joke...
He becomes the joker

I saw a meerkat save its nephew from an eagle's clutches at the very last second.

It was a meer-uncle.

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My six year old nephew just told me this joke... Why does a a duck have feathers?

To cover its butt quack.

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An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

From my nephew: What kind of tents do dogs sleep in?

Pup tents

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My nephew just asked me what a clitoris was

I told him that I would have answered the question better yesterday, cos it was on the tip of my tongue

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby...

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
...

My nephew was doing his history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo?

I said, "He was a poor boy, from a poor family."

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My sister is taking my nephews to the gun range to teach them about gun safety.

They’re not looking forward to sex ed.

Told my nephew the story of the grasshopper and the ant. The ant saved up for winter while the grasshopper didn't. I asked my nephew at the end of the story Me:What is the moral of the story?

Nephew: You should never live in a Fall's sense of security

What do you call a fish that's going to jail?

Gillty


Credit: my 7 year old nephew

My 6-year old nephew asked me to share his joke with my Internet friends, so enjoy!

Q: Why did the window frame hurt?

A: It had window pains!

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

My nephew wanted an Xbox for his birthday but didn't get one and was very upset.

He had to be consoled.

did you ever here about Einstein’s learning disabled nephew?

You could say he had a special relative.

My 6 yr old nephew asked me... what did the bee say to his wife?

Oh honey!!!

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?

Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

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My eight year old nephew said he had a joke:

“What did the ant say to the other ant?”
“I dunno, what?”
“Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.”
“Yeah, that’s not really a joke kid.”
He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. “It’s an ant-y joke, asshole.”

You guys wanna hear a construction joke?

..... hold on I'm working on it.


(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)

My nephew came up to me and asked for advice to meet women.

I gave him my old tablet.

Why did the kid eat his homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew

My nephew is at that age where he no longer wants to be held.

I guess turning 39 changed his attitude.

My douchebag nephew puts on loads of deodorant and I have a hard time understanding him.

He has too strong of an axe scent.

My 8year old nephew told me this

How do you get a tissue to dance?
You put some boogie in it.

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I...

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

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I taught my nephew to skip the first "H" whenever he reads/pronounce English words

E.g honest, hour, honour. Later that day i told him to *heat* my food in the microwave. I almost killed that bastard.

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Nephew asks how babies are made

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a h...

My 12 yr old nephew: What do you call a reptile that always starts drama?

An instigator!

I couldn't decide whether to get my nephew a toy or a pet for his first birthday.

Ended up buying him a rattlesnake.

Last week, I took a Dallas Cowboys jersey away from my 2-year-old nephew.

It was a choking hazard.

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My little nephew is going to grow up to be such an asshole.

Check this out, it’s his birthday a couple of weeks ago, and, being that his mother (my wife’s sister) doesn’t have much money, we decide to get him a really nice gift. You know, something a 7 year old kid would be thrilled with. So we buy him a full-size trampoline. This thing is like 10 feet acros...

My newborn nephew entered the world with the innate ability to dance. They ran tests and found that he got the ability by being born with an extra chromosome. The doctors are calling it...

"Get down syndrome"

What do you call an incestuous nephew?

An aunt-eater.

My Nephew's pet chicken died.

I couldn't help asking if the funeral will be fried or roasted.

My 4 year old nephew's favourite joke.

Knock knock!

who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

No, You're a poo!

Followed by devious laughter.

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma.

After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them, if you don't mind me saying he does seem...

Hey Reddit. My nephew is terminal and we are raising $5000 for a hiking trip across the country!

It's too depressing staying with this sick kid.

My nephew complained about hair in his food.

I told him that in my day that is how all fish tacos were served.

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A man and his nephew

A man and his nephew are working in the field one afternoon.
The man was drinking a beer as they worked,
The nephew asks his uncle for a sip of his beer.

The man replies, "does your dick reach your asshole?"
The nephew says, "no, it doesn't."
The man says, "then no, that's the rul...

Kids are to smart these days.

My 8 year old nephew and I were driving down the road and we saw two dogs going at it on the side of the street. Of course, he asked me what were they doing. Not wanting to get into "that" conversation I said the one on top hurt his leg and his buddy is helping him walk home. To which he replied "...

My nephew is in the 'why' phase of his life as a 6 year old...

and I told him 'Because it feels nice and you're an unreliable witness!'

A joke my 4 year old nephew made up. (It makes no sense, but still made me laugh.)

If the three legged turtle crosses the road what color is the rabbit?
Green! Because Space Jam was a good movie.

Helpful nephew

I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew having a snack.
"Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She is upstairs, said she was going to take a shower." came the reply.
"Do you know how long it's been? I need to ask her an urgent question." I asked.
He stepped into the nearby bathro...

What is Bruce Jenner's nephew's favorite movie?

Aunt Man

From my 3yr old nephew: Why do chickens sit on their eggs?

Because they don't have chairs.

A joke my nephew told me

How do ghost listen to music?

With a bootooth

I bought my nephews some Cisformers for Christmas.

They start off as cars – and stay that way.

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

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My brother just fed my 10 m.o. nephew a whole bowl guacamole before dropping him off with me. Now I've gotta change the diaper.

What a dip shit.

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Talking about planets with my nephew.

He asked if you could Plow thru Uranus because it's all gas

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his nephew in the jungle?

...

- Congratulations, my boy! - Says the uncle to the nephew who is getting married the next day.

- I'm sure a couple of years from now, you will remind of this day as the happiest day of your life!
- But I'm only getting married tomorrow - responds the nephew.
- Yeah - explains uncle - That is exactly what I meant!

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Dmitri the Great

Dmitri is standing on the hill with his nephew Costa. Below them is a magnificent harbour filled with beautiful ships and yachts. Dmitri says "I used to be a shipbuilder. A lot of these yachts came from my yard. Famous people from all over the world used to come to me so I could build them yacht...

Why do we have so many guys named Hunter

but no girls named Gatherer?

source: not sure if this was a genuine question from nephew or a joke

Why was the ketchup feeling bad?

Because it had the squirts.

Courtesy of my 8 year old nephew

Three men are sitting on a hill...

They decide to have a competition. The goal is to throw your watch up in the air, run down the hill, and catch it.
The first man prepares himself and throws up his watch. He runs as fast as he can down the hill, but the watch gets there before he does.
The second man (who is much faster than...

The Three Monks

Once upon a time, there were three monks who decided to leave the monastery and open a flower shop where they could sell flowers and exotic plants. They moved into a very small town and were doing quite the good business until one day, they got in an exotic man-eating plant. The monks were quite exc...

My nephew is turning three next week,

but due to budget issues, we're not going to tell him.

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Soup or sex?

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

A ridiculously rich man is buying his 6 year old nephew a birthday present

On his birthday, the boy gets a Porsche 911. For Christmas that year, the man bought his nephew a massive yacht. For his 7th birthday, the man bought his nephew a weeks holiday in Dubai. The boy's dad was getting worried about his son, as he wasn't getting gifts that a child his age would normally g...

What do you call it when a bunch of stock markets suddenly show in the same place!

An investation.

(Credit to my 10 year old nephew James)

A man goes to his fiancee's family reunion.

Being his first time, he's amazed at how many people are there.

He asks, "This can't all be your family, is it?"

"It sure is. Let me introduce you to everyone," she replies. "Let's get something to drink first."

The couple goes over to the drink table and the man reaches over ...

Why do dinosaurs need deodorant?

Because they're ex stincked.

Courteousy my five year old nephew, be nice.

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Got hit in the bum by Thor

really need an Aesguard.....as told by my 11yr old nephew....

A man is sitting in a coffee shop

(Kinda long) The man is sitting in a coffee shop, when his nephew walks in, his nephew tells him that his brother has died, and that the child is homeless. The man yells at the boy: “I haven’t had my coffee yet! Don’t talk to me!” The boy runs away. A voice calls out: “help! We need a doctor! This m...

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A lion was chasing Uncle in Africa

A Uncle was trying to impress his nephew

Uncle: You know, when I was traveling in African Savannah alone, I went close to a sleeping lion to photograph him.

Nephew: What happened next?

Uncle: The lion suddenly wakes up, and start chasing me.

Nephew: Wow, what happened ...

What do you call an alligator without scales, tail, limbs or teeth?

A nothingator.

~ 4 yr. old nephew came up with it

When my wife gave birth to twins, she went into a coma.

Upon waking up, she heard that her stupid brother named them.
Hearing the girl's name, Denise, she thought it wasn't gonna be so bad.
Then she heard the boy's name.
"DeNephew"

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I think my friend might be gay

I went over to his house to watch Lord of the Rings, anyway do you remember how it begins with Bilbo celebrating his 111th birthday in the shire, reuniting with his old friend, Gandalf, Bilbo reveals that he intends to leave the Shire for one last adventure, and he leaves his inheritance, including ...

So my niece asked me if they have to swim to get in the Navy.

I couldn't figure it out, but I guessed she thought about it after my nephew declared that he was going into the Marines and stole her crayons.

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Kids are so ungrateful these days.

I got my 11 year old nephew a trampoline for his birthday, and instead of thanking me, the little cunt just sat in his wheelchair and cried.

A woman was giving birth and the husband was away on a work trip, so she had her brother to accompany her.

She passed out whilst giving birth and when she woke up she was very worried. In her hospital the first thing they do after a baby is born is to name them. Her brother wasn't the smartest person in the room and she was understandably worried.

'Congrats mam you had twins, a boy and a girl!',...

An elderly woman is holding a funeral for her recently deceased husband

After the viewing, she discusses how kind and honest of a man her husband was, how she was so sad to see him go, and she bursts into tears.

Her nephew, after consoling his mourning aunt , asks “May I say a word”.

Through tears she says, “Of course”

He takes a moment and says “Pl...

Why cant the uncle touch his knees anymore?

His father filed a restraining order after what he did to his nephew.

There's a long funeral service in Nuevo Laredo

Now, I don't know if you know Nuevo Laredo. It's a Mexican border town, just across the Rio Grande from Laredo, TX. There's lots of American expats on the south side of the border and a lot of Mexican expats on the north side of the border, and large extended families spread their tendrils regardles...

What do you call a sick Darth Vader?

Barf Vader

-Courtesy of my 6 year old nephew.

Having a baby girl? You should name her Artica.

It's awesome because all her nieces and nephews will have an Aunt Artica.

A couple on their 60th anniversary

Jake and Jane wake up on the day of their 60th anniversary. Jane turns to Jake and says:
Jane: Jake, is there anything you have been keeping a secret in all these years from me? Today is our 60th anniversary and you can come clean! I want be mad.
Jake: Well Jane, now that you asked, it was me ...

One thing kids like is to be tricked.

For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse.

"Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down."

He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke.

I started to drive over ...

"I know what you have been sucking on"

My nephew has a habit of sucking his thumb, so i had a brilliant idea to make him stop. I told him people that suck their thumbs become fat.

At the store yesterday however, we ran across a pregnant lady and he had the great idea to shout "I know what you have been sucking on" in the middle o...

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A 10 YO boy can't speak...

A mother had a ten year old boy who couldn't speak. For years she had taken him from doctor to doctor, and he had seen a hundred specialists, but they were all stumped. The boy just couldn't talk. One day, Mom was having lunch with her friends, and her son came up in conversation. One of the ladies,...

Eclipse is when earth is between sun and moon, what is it called when sun is between earth and moon ?

Apocalypse

P.S . My 11 yr old nephew said this and I found it very funny

Little Billy loved to visit at his uncle’s junkyard

Even though he ran a junkyard, uncle Stu was a very bright man who loved to teach and answer all of his beloved nephew Billy’s questions. Over one particular summer they restored a classic old car. Each step was a learning experience. When a part was rusted, uncle Stu would explain all about the pro...

A boy gets caught cheating on a test by his substitute teacher

"you are getting a zero".

the kid looks and the sub and says "You do know who I am, don't you"

"no, and I don't care. anyone who I catch cheating gets a zero."

"A zero?" the boy says. "I can't believe you don't know who I am." the boy says with a superior sounding voice
"Yo...

What do you call a cow that can't moo?

A milk dud



Credit to my 5 year old nephew

Joke from a 1920s Australian Newspaper

**Diplomacy**

Uncle to nephew playing a game of War with a companion: "If you take the fortress within a quarter of an hour, I'll give you a sixpence."

Youngster (a minute later): "Uncle, sixpence please, the fortress is taken."

Uncle: "How did you manage it so quickly?"

...

A pregnant woman got in a car accident and went into a coma.

While in the coma, she gave birth to twins.

4 months later, she woke up asking where her kids were.

The nurse informed her she had given birth to twins, a boy and a girl, and her brother has been taking care of them.

The woman said " Oh no, not my idiot brother, What did he name...

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The Monastery

An old monk is recounting his life to his nieces and nephews who lived in a small, rural town. The area around was hilly, and at the bottom of a nearby valley, there was a large, ornate monastery.

"Uncle, why did you become a monk?" the youngest asked

"One day, I was riding my bicycle ...

Vincent Van Gogh's Relatives

His Obnoxious brother: Please Gogh.
His Dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh.
His prune-loving brother: Gotta Gogh.
His Convenience-Store-Owner cousin: Stop'n'Gogh
His Constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The Ballroom dancer aunt: Tan Gogh
His Nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh
His Fruit Loving cousin: M...

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

Courtesy of my four year old nephew.

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A company is holding job interviews for a position of Financial Analyst

3 people apply: A blonde, a jew and a mathematician.
The blonde enters, the interviewer asks her: What is 2 + 2 ? The blonde thinks for 10 minutes, answeres 5.
The jew enters, receives the same question, answeres: What do you want it to make ?
The mathematician enters, receives the same que...

Charlie came to work with two black eyes today.

"What happened to you"

"She hit me like she was a man. Twice."

"Who?"

"I was in church yesterday, with my sister and her boys. The old widow Mrs. Marshal was in front us. She was sitting in a folding chair with a cushion. When she stood for a hymn my nephews started giggling an...

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