A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed.
"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.
"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The nake...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]

Me: This is my girlfriend Janine

Janine: Hi

Wife: What the fuck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I didn't realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner

My wife and kids HATED her!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

A man and his girlfriend check into a hotel.

“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with hearing devices.” the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.

“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.

The girl insists, so he starts to search the room. He looks in all of the drawers, under th...

“Dad..I have an imaginary girlfriend.”

His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?”

“Thanks dad. That means a lot.”

“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”

My girlfriend is cheating on me with a doctor.

Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch everyday. That oughta do the trick.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.

And she'll kill me if she finds out.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use lubricant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I don’t understand you,” cried my girlfriend. “One minute you’re really offensive to me and the next you’re really polite.”

“Bitch, please,” I said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?

Something inside me says yes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago.

She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".

I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

Damn near poked my eye out.

My Communist girlfriend is a real psycho....

How in the world did I miss all the red flags?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”

I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.”

“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”

Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."

She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I said, "It's me talking to the beer."

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

An absolute 10, but also imaginary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has started to smoke after sex

So now we use lube

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started my girlfriend up like a chainsaw last night.

But, now she's mad at me because, evidently, you're supposed to remove anal beads SLOWLY!

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Each time me and my german girlfriend have sex, she rates me out of 10

Last night we tried anal and she couldn't stop screaming 9. That's the best I've ever gotten.

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend left me because she has a foot fetish.

My dick is only 11 inches.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

My girlfriend told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo

That's when I really had to put my foot down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend thinks I act too feminine, and she's always questioning my sexuality. She says I should try to act tougher, so that if she feels threatened by some guy she can feel safe with me...

but I assured her that if any guy tries to get too close to her I'd be the first one to beat him off.

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5

She asked "what's that?"

I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"

TIFU by taking my girlfriend to a food themed costume orgy.

Obligatory didn't happen today, but a few weeks ago, me and my girlfriend decided to spice up our relationship by going to an orgy. A mutual friend of ours gave us the adress, and told us to wear costumes. I was broccoli, my girlfriend was a tomato.

When we arrived, the door was unlocked. Th...

My girlfriend turned to me in bed and threw this curveball at me.

She said, "Would you even consider adoption?"
I said, "Only if you got pregnant."

I discovered red crayons in my girlfriends nurse uniform.

She said it's in case she has to draw blood.

My new girlfriend told me I'm horrible in bed.

It's unfair to make that judgement in less than a minute.

So my girlfriend broke up with me. As payback I stole her wheel chair

Guess who came crawling back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”

I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has an IQ of 200 and I'm jealous of her.

So last night I fucked her brains out.

A guy and his girlfriend go to a Halloween party and neither of them are wearing costumes

The guy is carrying his gf on his back, piggyback-style, when the host approaches them.

He says "Hey, great to see you and all, but you know this is a Halloween party. Where are your costumes?"

The guy says "We have costumes. I'm a turtle and this is Michelle."

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me that if I get 1000 upvotes then we’ll try anal

paca riding lesson during the holidays. I think it’ll be fun!

My Girlfriend is the sort of girl Men whistle at...

She looks like a sheep dog.

My girlfriend ran off with a member of ISIS and said shes never coming back

I guess she didnt know what Jihad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

German Girlfriend

My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal.

She kept yelling 9.

That’s the best I’ve ever done.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me I have the body of the statue of David

She meant the penis part

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much

What a stupid thing to fallout 4

I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.

And now we wait.

My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.

I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.

I’ve been in the army for the last year and I’m home visiting my girlfriend. I come home and find my friend that is an electrician’s work truck outside my girlfriends house.

I guess he’s fixing a “clap-on,clap-off” light bulb because I can hear them clapping from outside.

My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious

or did she?

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.

She was seeing someone else.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she ...

Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend's family.

Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom.

As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said ”Give me anot...

I have three girlfriends

Their names are Emma, Jean and Ari. I love them all.

My girlfriend said “Hey, unlock your phone, I need to see something...”

And I said, “I don’t even let my wife go through my phone. Why don’t you trust me?”

I can’t remember wheather I had been with my girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But I know it's <3

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards..... forwards then backwards..... back and forth.. In and out.. in and out.. Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan Then she let out one almighty scream!!!

"I can't park this fucking car! you do it you smug bastard'!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Last night, my girlfriend laughed at my penis while we were having sex.

She said it was an inside joke.

My girlfriend said I was too creative

Since that is the reason we came together, I decided it was over.

So I just unimagined her.

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer,

I said, "No, wait! I can change."

Dear men, when your girlfriend suggest which of her friends you want to be included in a threesome..

You are supposed to tell one name , not two..

Trust me, I'm speaking from experience...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer

Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sister and my girlfriend share the same name

That's too bad, because every time we have sex I have to think about my girlfriend.

My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else...

The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us.

He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone.

What Do Cannibals Do After They've Dumped Their Girlfriend?

Wipe Their Ass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has an identical twin, but I know how to keep them apart.

She has long brown hair

And her brother has a penis

What are the ways you can describe your motorcycle but not your girlfriend?

# It's small, but it makes a hell of a noise.

# If you really push up tight, you can fit three people on it.

# It's ok... If you don't mind the bugs in her teeth.

# Sure you can ride her, everyone else has.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend says on a camping ground you'll have the best sex.

I tent to agree.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend likes to get her anus bleached or I like to put it,

Change her ringtone.

So my girlfriend and I are about to get down to doing the deed and she whispers "Turn off the light and stick it in my ass" So I did...

She screamed "It Burns!!". I likely could have waited for it to cool off first.

my girlfriends parents are very religious

the first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren't allowed to sleep together

It was a bit of a shame he was very attractive

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and sees that the line is so long it's coming out the front door. He gets in line anyway and eventually gets the flowers.

Then he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I was arguing with my girlfriend about my penis...

...it became this big long thing.

I called my girlfriend beautiful today

It’s a joke I don’t have a girlfriend

I had a hot girlfriend but then she sent me an email in Helvetica and I had to move on.

Not my type

What's something you can say to your dog, but not your girlfriend?

Come.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend and I played Russian Roulette once

We had sex afterwards even though she lost

My girlfriend found out I had a side chick, and told her to back off.

My wife was not happy about it.

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million....

Then I scrolled through her text messages and she was right.

"Stop telling Jesus jokes!" Said my girlfriend

"Why? Does it make you cross?"

I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.

I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'

What do you call a rafting guide without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

My Girlfriend has been hinting that she wants a ring for Christmas

I can't wait to see the look on her face when she opens up her new video doorbell!

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby.

For instance my name, address and telephone number!

A man squirts his girlfriend with a squirting gun

A man squirts water on his girlfriend’s skirt with a squirting gun.

His girlfriend starts laughing hysterically, and the man asks why.

“Well you see, you finally got me wet!”

My girlfriend wishes I had the body of Thor, but I already do...

She just hasn't seen Endgame yet

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over he asks if she had a good time. She replied “yes that was fun, but I don’t understand why they do all of that for 25 cents”. The man, puzzled, asks “what do you mean?” To which the blonde replied “well the game started with...

My girlfriend told me she's leaving me cause I invade her privacy..

Well, she didn't exactly tell me that. I read it in her diary.

Mom meet my girlfriend

Me: mom let me introduce you to my girlfriend.

Mom: you could not find anything better?

Me: Let me be, I love her.

Mom: Shut up! I am speaking to her.

I made a mistake when making the bed in the morning. My girlfriend went crazy.

Bad sheet crazy.

I proposed to my girlfriend, and my best friend was there.

I'd been dating my girlfriend for two years, and decided that I'd finally pop the question. In order to make it seamless, I asked my best mate Joe to pass me the ring when I gave him a signal; to add to the element of surprise.

I also asked Joe to be my best man. To be honest, I'd known othe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

As our passion began to heat up
she said, “I don’t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT?! What was that?!”

She said, “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.”

She responded to my pu...

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...

It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was laying on the bed with his new girlfriend...

After having great sex, she spent the next hour rubbing his balls. As he was enjoying the testicular massage he asked her "why do you love doin this so much?
She replied "because I really miss mine "

My girlfriend told me to kiss her where it smells funny...

So I took her to New Jersey.

My deaf girlfriend was going to break up with me

She didn’t really say anything. But the signs were all there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend sent me a “Get Better Soon” card.

I’m not sick, just not very good at sex.

My girlfriend gave me a steamed ball of dough filled with meat and veggies.

I think she's dumpling me.

So my girlfriend said she wanted to break up with me because I had no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend and I just aren't clicking and I found out why.

I'm a pisces and she's a crazy bitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My last girlfriend told me I was sexually inadequate...

A small part of me is afraid she may be right.

My girlfriend wants a lumber themed breast tattoo

“Seems like it would be ugly, wooden tit?”

I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she slept with.

She said: "Yes, I didn't sleep with the others"

I was playing chess with my girlfriend and she said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.

So we stopped playing chess

My Girlfriend vs. Linkin Park

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

I'm thinking about staying in bed to watch a movie with my girlfriend

Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?

My first girlfriend was experienced

On our third date my girlfriend and I made our way to the back seat of my car. I explained I was new at this so needed instruction. She unbuckled her pants and told me to start rubbing her tummy and whisper in her ear. As I rubbed her tummy and whispered "I love you" in her ear she said "lower, lowe...

Do you know why I want a short girlfriend?

She's low maintenance and doesn't have high standards

My new girlfriend loves bees.

She's a keeper.

My girlfriend said I need to stop eating frozen poultry for every meal or she was leaving me.

I said, "I'll try but I don't think I can quit cold turkey."

So I had a vasectomy, which I thought would stop my girlfriend getting pregnant.

Turns out all it did was change the skin colour of the baby

What did Jay Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyonce’

My mother hates every girlfriend that I’ve ever brought home. So I brought home a girl that looks like my mother, acts like my mother, even sounds like my mom

Now my father hates her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend just left me because I am always giving weird nicknames to my penis.

I guess I have to take Matters in my own hands.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old joke: Andrew Dice was getting a blowjob from his girlfriend. Just before he cums, she says "why do you want to do it in my mouth?" ... And Dice says:

"Honey, it's a nice restaurant...I dont wanna mess up your hair.."

I recently got back together with my X girlfriend...

I was so miserable without her it was like having her there!

My Girlfriend told me to take a spider out without killing it.

We went and had drinks cool guy wants be a web designer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] I think I am allergic to my girlfriend...

Cause every time she touches my dick it swells up.

How did the diamond find a girlfriend?

Carbon dating.

My girlfriend told me if I use any more chess terminology, she'll break up with me

"Check," I said.

She moved out the next day.

"Checkmate," I said.

What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?

A shoe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am so glad that I waited until marriage to have sex with my girlfriend

Sex is way more fun when I am cheating on my wife

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something to make her look sexy...

So I got drunk.

I had a blind girlfriend who was both rewarding and challenging

It took me ages to get her husband's voice right

You didn't see that coming, neither did she

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind her teams bench on the 50 yard line.

After the game he asked her how she liked it.

She replied "oh, I really like it especially all the tight pants and big muscles, but I just don't understand why they were fighting each other over 25 cents."

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man who had three beautiful girlfriends

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you cause I...

My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying weed.

It will be our joint account.

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

My girlfriend threw up when I told her I put ginger in our curry.

She loved that cat.

My girlfriend called me up. She said, "Come over there's nobody home...

I went over.There was nobody home.



Rodney Dangerfield

The differences between a Girl friend, and a Girlfriend

Is the gap between them

What did kim jong un text his girlfriend?

Send nukes

I got my girlfriend a “Get better soon” card.

She’s not ill or anything, but she could definitely get better

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.