Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.

So I said: "Ok, this isn't working out."

I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.

There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.

Or did she?

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

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My girlfriend just punched me in the balls

Not what I meant when I said “time to hit the sack.”

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[NSFW] My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

I asked him if his girlfriends name was also Wendy.

He said ‘No....

Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.

The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.

Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.

He said well take these drinks to table. 10.

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My girlfriend's vagina smells like roses....

But, Rose's is tighter...

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My girlfriend told me to stop watching porn, saying it degrades women.

Joke's on her, the porn I watch doesn't have any women in it.

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”

I saw it coming from a kilometre away

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend

she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then ...

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

My girlfriend dared me to take schizophrenia meds.

Now she's gone missing.

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord

My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one

She got even more upset and shouted at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

What do you call a bass player who broke up with his girlfriend

Homeless

My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed

But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

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My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

My girlfriend told me I listened to too much Linkin Park

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

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My Sister and my girlfriend share the same name..

Every time we have sex and she tells me to shout her name, i think of my girlfriend.

"How to break up with your girlfriend" A two-step process:

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

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My girlfriend said a four inch penis is fine.

Still, I wish she didn't have one.

My girlfriend said she wanted to buy some books before we had even put our new bookcase together.

I said “let’s not get ahead of our shelves”.

My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

It was the first anniversary of my relationship with my girlfriend yesterday.

Being the sort of person I am, I arranged for a fancy car to arrive outside at 7pm sharp, a lovely meal at a fine restaurant and a walk by the moonlit pier followed by a night of wine and intense passion.

Ever the nit-picker, I awoke to an earful from my girlfriend because as usual there’s o...

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My girlfriend's moving in with me this week so this morning I burned all my porn DVDs in the garden.

Now all I have to do is burn the ones in the shed, the house, and the garage.

I ended things with my communist girlfriend.

Too many red flags.

My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.

I guess she Ransomware..

Seems my girlfriend's moonlighting as a parts model

I overheard her on the phone to her friend, boasting about how much she was earning doing hand and foot jobs.

My font designer girlfriend broke up with me last night.

I guess I just wasn't her type.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to do a threesome...

I told her, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'll go have dinner with my parents.

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I refused to have sex with my girlfriend because she was on her period

I found her in masturbating in the bathroom the next day. Caught her red handed

Introduced my girlfriend to the family over the weekend, everyone was shocked...

Specially the wife .

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.

A guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his girlfriend from his wallet and said 'she's beautiful isn't she'

I said 'if you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife'

He asked 'why, is she a stunner?'

I replied 'no, she's an optician'

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Girlfriend says if this gets a thousand up votes she'll let me try anal

please don't her strap on is huge

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There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a televis...

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I also met my girlfriend at a zoo like u/moosekila

She was beautiful, but she was behind bars, now I am.



I know this joke is shit, but she was throwing hers

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The other day I was going down on my girlfriend.

And I said jeez you got a big pussy. You got a big pussy.

She asked why did you say that twice...I said I didn’t, that was an echo.

Thanks predator 1.

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

my girlfriend got vaccinated today

now she wont hold any air

I was going down on my girlfriend

She kept trying to guide me to the right spot.

"A little to the left, no, right a bit, go down, up a little.."

I stopped what I was doing and said, "Just tell me what you want, I'm tired of eating around the bush!"

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I'm glad I let my girlfriend move in with me.

If it wasn't for her, I'd have never known that shoes don't fucking go there.

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

because he wanted space

So much has changed, since my girlfriend told me we were having a girl

For instance ;
My name
Address and phone number.

I met my girlfriend in 2020. She has pretty eyes.

I haven’t seen her mouth and nose yet, but her eyes are pretty.

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What did the horny frog say to his girlfriend?

“Rubbit“

I told my dad that I have an imaginary girlfriend.

Dad: "You could do much better."

Me: "Thanks dad"

Dad: "I was talking to your girlfriend."

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My girlfriend says that having a small penis is not too bad...

Nevertheless I would prefer her not having one.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "N...

I thought it was romantic to secretly swap my girlfriend's backpack for a bag of roses.

Her skydiving instructor didn't.

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Tried telling my girlfriend she needed to lose a few pounds ...

... but it blew up into a huge-ass argument.

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A 16-year old boy is taking his girlfriend out on a date

When he picks her up at her parent's house, her dad invites him in and they chit chat while she's getting ready. The dad asks him about their plans for tonight. "We're going to the bowling alley first and afterwards a movie", the boy answers. "When I was your age, I was the very best at bowling", th...

Told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

I don't have a girlfriend

But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

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broke up with the girlfriend because she was always up my ass about being colour blind and a dozen other things

too many grey flags

I wanted to use a paper map when sightseeing but my girlfriend insisted on using her phone

It was my way or the Huawei.

My girlfriend asked me last night if she was still as pretty as the day we met. I said of course! She frowned and said “You have to say that, you can be honest.”

She asked if I was as happy with her as ever. I said of course! She said again “you have to say that, you can be honest.”

She asked if I still wanted to be with her and only her. I said as long as her sister is still in a relationship.

Apparently I shouldn’t have been *that* honest.

My girlfriend said she had a dream where I cheated on her

So I went out that night and picked up a girl at the bar. I want to make all my girlfriend's dreams to come true

My girlfriend, Lorraine, dumped me when she found out I was cheating on her with her fit friend, Claire Lee

Good news, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

My graffiti-artist girlfriend just left me

I should have really seen the writing on the wall.

My girlfriend said we should split up because of my job as a PI

I said, 'Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.'

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My girlfriend asked me whether I like breasts or legs.

Apparently, wings was not the correct answer.

My girlfriend wanted to look slimmer for a party so she invested in a corset.

She’s had a very hard year coping with things and was determined to go looking like a million bucks. She told me what it meant to her to be with me and how this was the only thing she had been looking forward to for months. I helped her into her corset and between us we managed to lace her up.
<...

Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend?

Because she showed him no interest

My girlfriend doesn't know why I've been saying "mucho" a lot more to my Spanish friends

Apparently it means a lot to them

I have a well paid job, genuine friends and a girlfriend who loves me very much...

Wish I could post this on any other sub

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

My Indian girlfriend can't decide if she wants to bake bread the same way as he parents

She'll either end up as a non-conformist or a naan-conformist

NSFW. My girlfriend broke up with me saying she’s “Vagitarian”

Smells fishy to me.

Both me and my girlfriend are submissive

we are still working out the kinks of our relationship

Your girlfriend is like cryptos..

She goes down on me when least expected.

Nutted in my girlfriends braces

Now my kids are behind bars

My girlfriend said, "I want tonight to be magical"

So I disappeared

My girlfriend said she's leaving me because of my obsession with American sitcoms.

Happy Days.

My girlfriend came up with this one and wanted me to share with you guys. What do you call heavens toilet?

Halle-LOO-yah

My girlfriend and I have started eating our breakfast baps upside down.

It's a roll reversal.

A second girlfriend

To see her reaction,he told her that he wants a second girlfriend,

In the first day he didn't see anything.

In the second day he didn't see anything.

In the third day he began to see a little bit from his right eye.

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I 69ed with my girlfriend before a dentist appointment...

This morning I had the amazing opportunity to 69 with my girlfriend, so I did, but afterwards I was concerned because I remembered that I had a dentist appointment.

So I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth 5 times, mouth washed twice, and on my way to the dentist I popped in 5 mints. ...

What did the stoner say to his girlfriend?

"I love you more than leaf itself."

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I just had sex with my girlfriend while dressed up as Julius Caesar

Not only did I came, but I saw, I conquered.

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Wonderwall all the time

I said maybe

I haven't told my parents about my girlfriend yet...

She's getting married and I was invited to the wedding

My girlfriend has just told me, she thinks we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her, "I think you mean fewer".

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

Suddenly She says "Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly."

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks "Do you want to have sex before she gets back?"

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, an...

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A boy meet his girlfriend's father for the first time....

A highschool boy drives over to pick up his girlfriend, her father answers the door along with an old dog.

The boy is asked to sit and wait, but he is very nervous and becomes gassy. (Thankfully I am sitting right next to the dog he thinks to himself)

The boy lets out a silent but stin...

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My girlfriend would always masturbate with fruit whenever she is upset!

One day when i decided to tell her I couldn't take it anymore.. she went Fucking Bananas!!

American Idol is like that toxic girlfriend.

It threaten’s that it’s going to leave, but it keeps coming back singing the same old songs.

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said yes!

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just as...

My Girlfriend got both our dogs sweaters...

Shes’s always loved doggy-style

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My girlfriend said she was looking at ninja stars online. I told her to stop being racist.

They're just called Japanese actors.

How can you tell if your mime girlfriend wants to dump you?

She will show you the door.

A Blonde and her girlfriend are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours. The Blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this." She goes downstairs then comes back up to bed and her girlfriend says.

"The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"The Blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how the neighbors like all the barking!"

My girlfriend got so mad at me for singing "Semi Charmed Life" all the time...

She said, I want something else...

I grew very suspicious when my ex and current girlfriends were on the same frequency

Turns out, they were using the same vibrator

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.The dentist ...

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My girlfriend told me, “Sex is much better on holiday.”

That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

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After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

My girlfriend said she wanted to get her ex's name tattooed on her back.

That's nice of her, getting my name tattooed on her back.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass

My coworker caught his girlfriend having an affair with his best friend. He told her the relationship was over and to leave immediately. I asked him what he said to his best friend.

Bad dog! Very bad dog!

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and possibly use a lubricant.

What did the dentist say to his girlfriend?

"You have the nicest teeth I've ever come across"

I'm in trouble with my girlfriend.

According to her diary, I have "boundary issues".

I left my girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting

I wonder what she's up to, now...

Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"

Boyfriend: "You're both."

Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"

Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

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My girlfriend used to smoke after sex

So we started using lube.

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I tripped over my girlfriends bra.

I think it was a booby trap..

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, ...

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

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My ex girlfriend had a role playing fetish. She liked to dress up as herself, and act like

a fucking bitch

Crazy ex-girlfriends

are like a box of chocolates.

They will kill your dog..

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a fridge?

A fridge doesnt moan when you put your meat in it

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My girlfriend yelled at me being secretive and emotionally unavailable

I then politely excused myself from the conversation and went to the basement to go work on my project.

I don't know what she was talking about.

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An 18-year old boy and his girlfriend are going camping for the weekend and plan to lose their virginity to each other

Bursting with excitement, the boy walks into a drug store to buy some condoms. He notices they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.

He's a bit confused, so he calls the clerk over, and asks “Excuse me sir, but why are the condoms packaged this way?”

The kindly old clerk replies, with a sly g...

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My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

My girlfriend recently left me after we had an argument about What is Love

Such a shame, too, she really Haddaway with words.

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I asked my girlfriend to sexually pleasure me with a keyring...

But she just keeps fobbing me off

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his bum.

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I Don't Need a Girlfriend to have Sex,

My Government Fucks me Every Single Day.

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds

Because every time I take them she goes away

My girlfriend has such a neck fetish,

she barely cares about me she just likes my neck. She's a necromancer.

My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus

Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

Girlfriends are a lot like FBI agents

They won’t ask you a question that they already don’t know the answer to.

My girlfriend thought we could stay dry if we ran between the rain drops.

I told her she's deluginal.

My girlfriend got covid

This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A solid 10, but also imaginary

My parents seemed upset when I told them about my new girlfriend.

So what if she's a miner?

My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example:

"Fishing stick" instead of "Fishing rod"

"Tropical tree" instead of "Palm tree"

"Ant-licker" instead of "Uncle"

A guy goes to his girlfriend's father to ask for permission

Guy: "I've come to ask your daughter's hand in marriage"
Father: "Why?"
Guy: "Because I'm tired of using my own now."

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I was arrested for having sex with my girlfriend at Olive Garden.

When I was read my charges the officer said I had one count of indecent exposure and one count of incest.

Confused I asked the cop "why the charge for incest?"

The officer replied "Because when you're here, you're family."

I had to break up with my girlfriend who suffered from insomnia

She just wasn’t very into-resting

My deaf girlfriend cheated on me with her best friend

I should've seen the signs.

I asked my girlfriend, "on a scale of one to Tiffany, how crazy are you?"

She said, "who's Tiffany?"

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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10...

...last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9! 9! 9! That’s my best score yet!

My girlfriend left me because she said that I imagine things

At least now I don't have to make a girl's voice

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Just after my girlfriend had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the parking lot."

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Sam's girlfriend asked if he had ever slept with a prostitute

Sam says "Darling, i've never told you this, but you were my first and only. I have never been with any woman other than you."

Sam's girlfriend gives him a huge hug and kiss in relief. As they hug Sam says "So to answer your question, yes."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked if I could get a bell medically implanted in my penis

So she can hear me coming

My girlfriend broke up with me because I refused to share my feelings.

I can’t say I’m surprised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she suggested that he shave his beard. “Oh Ken, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.” Ken replied, “My wife loves this beard, there is no way I could shave it, she would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice. Ken sighed and finally gave in and shaved his face smooth.

That night Ken crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. His wife woke up, reached over and felt his face and said, “Oh Tony, you shouldn't be here, my husba...

My girlfriend walked out on me ..

My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned. I thought we had good alchemy.

What does a timex and a girlfriend with Tourette’s syndrome have in common?

Both can take a licking and keep on ticking

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