Last night, my Girlfriend told me to “Turn the light off and stick it in my ass”

Maybe I should’ve waited a few minutes for it to cool down?

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

An absolute 10, but also imaginary.

Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you."

She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I said, "It's me talking to the beer."

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer

Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"

Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead.

Man: That's i...

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I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

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My girlfriend doesn’t think I can break the masturbating world record

I think I could pull it off

Why is girlfriend one word and best friend two words?

Because the best friend gives you space when you need it

My girlfriend wishes I had the body of Thor, but I already do...

She just hasn't seen Endgame yet

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

My girlfriend said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her ass.

After I tried, she freaked out and told me never again.

I guess the bulb was hot.

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To my surprise, my girlfriend had some anal bleaching done.

All I asked was for her to change her ringtone.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

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I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

My girlfriend said shes leaving me because I keep pretending to be a transformer.

No, wait, I can change!

My girlfriend enjoys "doggy style" in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

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Do I ever fail to satisfy my girlfriend sexually?

A small part of me says yes.

My girlfriend gave me a handjob in the sauna.

I got a heat stroke.

My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious

or did she?

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night...

She nearly poked my eye out!

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

She seemed surprised.

My girlfriend left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni now. 😔

(Thanks for the silver! X 😊😊)

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My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister

It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home in Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things really strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
<...

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My girlfriend always takes really long showers after watching movies starring chris pratt

I dont know what shes doing in there but it gives me plenty of time to jerk off to chris pratt

I hate it when people call their girlfriend their “partner in crime”

We get it man she’s underage

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Mental illness joke. (I have this illness so I'm laughing at myself) I used to have a beautiful girlfriend who loved and cherished me before I got diagnosed with Schizophrenia

Then they put me on some pills and she disappeared

I got a vasectomy. But my girlfriend still got pregnant....

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

My girlfriend: This relationship is over.

Me responding on my walky talky: This relation is what? *over

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year...

...and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight m...

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates

They will kill your dog

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A successful bussinessman has a work trip coming up and hes worried that his beautiful girlfriend will cheat on him when he is gone

So he goes to the best sex shop in town and starts looking through the toys. He sees dildos but doesn't feel they'll do the trick. He sees vibrators but also doesnt feel safe, so he goes to the owner. He asks for the best sex toy available. The owner goes to the back of the shop and gets a wooden bo...

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I managed to have sex with my girlfriend for 1 hour 30 minutes doggy style last night...

That’s 4 minutes in human time.

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

My girlfriend broke up with me and I’ve been having a tough time getting over her. My friend said I should try having a one night stand, and I gotta say, it really helped!

The tissues are much closer to my bed now when I cry myself to sleep!

My girlfriend said that it wasn’t working out between us and that we should start seeing other people.

So I took her wheelchair. Just as I thought... She couldn’t stand to leave me.

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

I finally got a girlfriend!

I wish I could post this on any other sub.

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All my girlfriend Jen ever talks about is my penis.

If you don't believe me, just ask her yourself. Jenn'll tell ya.

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

I got my girlfriend a get better soon card....

She's not sick or anything, I just think she could be better.

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My girlfriend dumped me because I have a weird nickname for my penis.

I guess I have to take Matter into my own hands.

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My girlfriend told me "I'm breaking up with you because you keep slapping my ass to see it jiggle"

I said "Fine. I hope the door hits you on your way out"

A friend of mine asked me how he should react if his girlfriend tells him that she's HIV positive

I said, "The trick is to always act surprised."

My girlfriend borrowed $597 from me. After 8 months, when we broke-up, she returned exactly $597.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer

But sadly, nobody will do it

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My girlfriend and I caught each other cheating at the same time.

I was into prostitutes and she was into prostitution.

My girlfriend left me because I'm outdated.

Now I'm listening to the cassette tape I made for her while crying into my typewriter.

My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9

Personally, I prefer it without the period.

Im 45 years old and I just bought my very first sports car. My girlfriend thinks I’m going through a midlife crisis.

But what would she know? She’s only 18.

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

What's the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?

Please answer quickly

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My mate said he'd seen another bloke put his arms around my girlfriend three times.

"Fuck off," I said, "nobody's got arms that long"

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My girlfriend's a porn star

And she's going to be really pissed when she finds out

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My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.

Thanks daylight savings!

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a nurse during sex

To satisfy my fetish of having a health insurance.

I broke up with my chiropractor girlfriend.

She was too manipulative.

My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair....

She came crawling back.

I met my girlfriend at an African language class...

We just clicked!

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

My girlfriend wanted to dye her hair red...

But she spilled it all over the bathroom.

It looks like someone dyed in there.

Wife : Why don’t you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?

Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast

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Whenever my German girlfriend and I have sex, she rates her experience on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we were trying anal for the first time, she kept screaming “NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!” That’s the best I’ve ever done.

I told my girlfriend you’re the only one I’ve been with..

The rest were 8’s and 9’s

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My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, “Make love to me like in the movies.”

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

Now she's not talking to me. I guess we doesn't watch the same movies.

My ex-girlfriend still misses me...

but her aim is getting better!

My girlfriend just told me that I had to choose between her and my career as a reporter.

Well, I have some breaking news for her.

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I just found out my girlfriend is a Grammar Nazi.

She's going crazy because she missed her period.

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My girlfriend broke up with me because I was cheating on her.

She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.

My girlfriend left me this note saying she got her period early

. I got my period early

My girlfriend freaked out when she found out I have only one kidney.

Who told her to go poking around in my freezer anyway?

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

My girlfriend accused me of cheating....

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife!

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My girlfriend told me to go out & get something that makes her look sexy.

so, I got drunk.

My girlfriend and I have a complex relationship

I’m real but she’s imaginary

An Australian was taking his girlfriend out for a night of passion under the stars.....

....when she was stung between the legs by a giant hornet. In a panic he wasn’t sure what to do so he rang the Australian Emergency Medical Helpline.... “Hello, I’m takin’ me Shiela out for a romantic night of camping and she’s just been stung by a hornet on her privates...and it’s all swollen and ...

It's my girlfriend's time of the month

And we decided to watch a movie.

She picked out Pride and Prejudice, and threw a HUGE fit when I said I didn't want to watch it.

I'm thinking of breaking up with her.


She knows I hate period drama.

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I met my girlfriend in high school,

We were immediately best friends and spent days together having the most fun I had ever had. Then one day I asked her the question.

She said yes!

We were so happy together and we stayed together through high school. We both finished college together, we both got jobs together and event...

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”

He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

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My girlfriend gave me a blowjob on the treadmill

It was the greatest running gag ever.

Asked me girlfriend if I was the only one she’d ever been with

She replied “yes, the rest were nines and tens”

My ex girlfriend tried to steal my hummus once.

Told that chick peace.

My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.

Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.

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My girlfriend wants more mystery in our relationship

So I took a shit in her shoes.

Went to a Halloween party with my girlfriend

And the host asked “what are you two dressed as?” And I said “I’m a turtle and this is Michelle”

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My girlfriend keeps telling me having a small penis isn't that much of a problem.

I guess, but I still wish she didn't have one.

Security saw me fingering my girlfriend while on her period in the movie house.

I guess I was caught red handed.

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The Trophy Girlfriend.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, “No, I’d like to ...

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work.

I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

If my girlfriend has to be communist

then Soviet

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My girlfriend loves my dick.

Her parents always taught her to enjoy little things!

My girlfriend and I were arguing a lot about what to name our dog.

After not agreeing with each other for a long time, we decided to call it a-day.

My girlfriend just told me she has a schoolgirl fantasy.

But honestly, I feel uncomfortable wearing the dress.

My girlfriend just left me because I'm too insecure.

No, wait, she's back - she was just making lunch.

My girlfriend asked me "if I was a vegetable, what would I be"?

Apparently the answer she was looking for was "a Cute cumber", not "single"...whoops

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TIFU: I met my girlfriend’s Scottish Dad.

Girlfriend’s Dad: So yer me daughter’s new boyfriend eye ye fucka?
Me: Well yes actually, once on the couch and one in your bed.

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting.

I wonder what she's up to now.

My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances

Well, she's in for a shock

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused.

If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

My girlfriend looks just like her mother when she does her makeup the right way

I could make myself look like my dad, but I don't have any vanishing cream

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My Pirate Girlfriend only likes Sex in the Sea

Sex in the A, not so much

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game...

After the game, he asked her if she liked it. She replied, "it was fun but I don't see why they made such a big fuss over 25 cents."

The guy asked, "What do you mean?"

And she said, "Well, at the beginning of the game, they flipped a coin and someone took it, and for the rest of the ga...

My girlfriend wouldn't marry me unless I could spell 'stun' backwards.

Isn't that nuts?

Will my girlfriend leave me because of my love of TV dramas?

Find out next week

As it's national girlfriend day (UK); Here's to our wives and girlfriends.

May they never meet.

(Yes I know this joke is older than Bob Hope)

My girlfriend is pirate thick

That’s thiccccccc with the seven C’s

My girlfriend texted me that we were breaking up.

I was relieved when she said, “Sorry, wrong number.”

I was on my couch making out with my girlfriend, when she asked if I wanted to take this to the bedroom

So I said sure, you grab one end, I’ll grab the other.

My girlfriend left me because I wouldn’t stop quoting Linkin Park lyrics...

...but in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

##

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were o...

A Boyfriend and Girlfriend are Going to Their High School Prom

A boyfriend and a girlfriend are getting ready to go to their high school prom. They're making plans and the girlfriend realizes that the boyfriend hasn't rented his tux, gotten the corsage, and ordered the limo.

"Don't worry the boy says I'll take care of it."

The boy goes to the tail...

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As my girlfriend unwrapped the condom, all eyes were on her.

She suddenly stopped and stared at me. "What the fuck?" she shouted. "You call this a birthday present?"

My girlfriend is too cold and she's not budging...

how can I get her out the freezer?

I like my girlfriends like I like my games

Pay to win

My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together.

Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking.

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What's worse than you discovering that your girlfriend is an amateur pornstar ?

Your girlfriend discovering that she is an amateur pornstar..

My imaginary girlfriend broke up with me last week.

She said: "Things are getting too REAL."

My girlfriend left me because of my OCD.

I told her to close the door seven times on her way out.

My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday...

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

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I challenged my girlfriend to make me feel sad and happy at the same time

Then she said: "you have the best dick among all of your friends"

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Your best friend has three girlfriends

Their names are Doe, Ray, and Me. All 3 wants to do something special so they set up some dates. Three days ago Doe kisses him. Two days ago Ray gives him vaginal sex. Yesterday, who sucks his dick?

My deaf girlfriend told me we need to re-evaluate our relationship

That was not a good sign

My girlfriend couldn't make it to the beach this year so she told me to say "Hi" to the ocean for her.

I told her it waved.

I got a car for my girlfriend

Best trade I've ever made.

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NSFW so my girlfriend and I were having sex and I asked her if she was into anything kinky

" well there is one thing " she said looking kind of uncomfortable

Me: "well what is it?"

Her: "I...... Really like deaf people"

Me: "what???"

And then she came

My girlfriend thinks I have schizophrenia

Which is funny, because I don't have a girlfriend.

My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to discover the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me.... I want you to meet someone new.”

“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

I have a girlfriend that's addicted to inhaling helium.

If she keeps it up, I'm just going to have to let her go.

I think my girlfriend has had 61 boyfriends before me...

She keeps calling me the 62nd man when we're in bed together

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My girlfriend was really dry the other day. She said...

Talk to the hand, because the pussy ain't glistening.

My girlfriend is like a box of chocolates.

I want to take her top off.

My brother's girlfriend is vegan

I haven't met herbivore.

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