A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

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My girlfriend said that having a 3" penis is okay.

Still, I wish she didn't have one.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too unamerican..

..but honestly I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.

She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

My girlfriend told me she would break up with me if I kept telling jokes about the USSR

Soviet

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry..

As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man ne...

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I’ve been trying to talk my girlfriend into period sex

But she really isn’t budging on wearing a corset and talking dirty in Shakespearean English

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

I broke up with my girlfriend via walkie talkie

She didn’t get it, no matter how many times I said it was over.

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My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis (NSFW)

My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

...

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I asked my girlfriend if she was ready for 12 inches of dick and she said yes.

I'm so excited for 12 rounds of sex tonight!

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

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Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting and it's a dick move.

Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it's a Philip K. Dick move.

I call my girlfriend Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute.

I just really hope her mom gets shot.

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.

(Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.)

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I gave my girlfriend an orgasm...

And she spat it back on my face.

(Credit to Jimmy Carr)

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Pregnant Girlfriend Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy...

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My sister and girlfriend have the same name

I think its a bit disgusting when everytime we have sex I think about my girlfriend

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My girlfriend left me last week, so I posted all the nudes she ever sent me onto r/nudes.

The mods removed them though as they go against the rules.

They don't allow reposts.

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Blind girlfriend.

I was in bed with my blind girlfriend, she said, "you have got the biggest cock I've ever felt."

I said, "you're pulling my leg"

I told my girlfriend I think she's cheating on me.

She told me I sound just like her husband.

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I think there is a reason I can’t find my girlfriends Clitoris

But I just can’t put my finger on it.

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.


So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites...

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The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

Why does Indiana Jones have such a hard time getting a girlfriend?

Bad dates.

My girlfriend treats me like a god.

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

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My girlfriend's great at drawing the vaginas.

But she sucks on dicks.

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I was in town last night with my girlfriend. We walked past a fancy restaurant and she went MMMMmmmmm that smells delicious. So I though, fuck it, she deserves a treat…

So I turned around and we walked past again.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset.

she screamed at me and said "what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

My girlfriend has always been a bit on the heavy side

One morning, while standing in front of the mirror together she asked me if she should change anything in her life. I said, go workout and lose 20-30 pounds, it would change you for the better. At that moment, the sheer passion I saw in her eyes I will never forget.



After the first d...

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless

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Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

“Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant”

"Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant"

Son, I'm not mad.. Just disappointed

"Hi disappointed, I'm dad"

Son, did you just-

"Yes"

You're ready.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for sleeping with her Grandmother

Turns out I can't have my Kate and Edith too.

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I broke up with my girlfriend because of Zodiac signs incompatibility

She is a Pisces, and I don't believe in bullshit.

I think my family is racist



I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video

I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

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I made a sex playlist for me and my girlfriend

Her complaint was that it was only 30 seconds long.

I sent my girlfriend a 'Get Better' card.

She's not sick, or anything - I just think she can get better..

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I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

My girlfriend left me because of my “unhealthy obsession” with USSR memorabilia...

She said there were too many red flags!

Fishing & girlfriends

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

My girlfriend says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right.

So I packed her bags and left.

My girlfriend hated that I told blind jokes

Years ago I dated a girl for about 6 months. We got along super well. I met her family, and she met mine. Things were getting pretty serious between us.

The only thing that we really argued about was my blind jokes. I loved saying them and she hated them. In her defense, she had a blind broth...

I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was..

She said March 1st, So i walked round the room and asked her again...

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

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I really struggled to find my girlfriend’s g-spot…

Turns out, her fucking sister had it!!!

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A man takes a walk with his new girlfriend who he's been dating for three months

About 20 minutes into the walk, they pass a park and see two bunnies mating. The woman says "how does the male bunny know that the female bunny is ready for sex?" The man says "it's natural, the male can smell it".

The couple continues to walk for another 20 minutes and they pass a forest whe...

Two girlfriends talk

* So, Stacy, have you tried ... you know ..., *the other hole* with your boyfriend?
* Are you crazy?! We don't want any kids!

My girlfriend and I just transitioned to a long distance relationship

Or as the judge insists on calling it, a “restraining order”

My fortune teller told me that there is a man dating my girlfriend and that he is coming to kill me.

I was devastated to hear that she was cheating on me so I killed myself.

Trophy Girlfriend

Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She's hanging on his every word. His buddies at the club are aghast.

They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bill replies...

My girlfriend left me because of what she described as my "weird pasta fetish"

Now I'm feeling cannalonli

My girlfriend dreamed...

Yesterday my girlfriend dreamed that I was unfaithful, so I cheated on her because I want to fulfill all of her dreams.

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It's hard to keep a girlfriend when you suffer from premature ejaculation.

Easy cum, easy ghost.

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.

The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.

Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.

He said well take these drinks to table. 5.

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My girlfriend & I are a perfect match,

I've got a nine inch dick, & she dosen't know which end of the ruler to measure from.

My girlfriend is really helping me to keep fit.

Every time she mentions marriage, I run a mile.

My girlfriend said she'd break up with me if I kept singing oasis

I said maybe.

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.

So I said: "Ok, this isn't working out."

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"What do you want for your birthday?" asked my girlfriend.

"Anal sex " I replied

"Haahahaha, nice try. Tell me something I can buy".

"Ok,Anal sex with a prostitute".

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A Welsh bloke persuades his girlfriend to try anal for the first time.

He says, "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word and I'll stop."

She says, "OK, what's the safety word?"

"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!"

I saw my girlfriend naked for the first time and genuinely loved it. (Nsfw)

Although saying "This was a lot to take in" wasn't the right choice of words.

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I asked my girlfriend if she liked my penis

She said it was perfect. The big ones hurt too much.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much.

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

My Scottish girlfriend said she needed more space.

She wasn’t too thrilled when I surprised her at work with habaneros.

Why did Werner Heisenberg break up with his girlfriend?

He wasn't certain exactly where their relationship was currently going, but he knew that it was moving too fast.

I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.

There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.

A guy brings his new blonde girlfriend to a family dinner

His parents are devoutly religious and he was born and raised in the south, so he's nervous - he gave her some pointers beforehand so everything would go smoothly.

After having a lovely conversation where his parents have warmed up to his girlfriend, they sit at the table and dig in. The guy ...

My bulimic girlfriend surprised me for my cake day

The cake jumped out of her.

My new girlfriend thinks I’m a player because I told her I slept with a ton of women..

I didn't tell her they were each 500 lbs

My girlfriend left me because I’m so insecure.

Edit: never mind, she was checking the mail.

Sometimes when my girlfriend is on her period, I'll push on her stomach

And I'll say: "who's my little ketchup packet?"

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I was chatting to my Girlfriend.

Me: Honey....I..

GF: There's no longer "I" or "You". There's only "We" forever and ever and only "We".

Me: Okay, We fucked your sister.

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

I had an ex-girlfriend that liked it in the ear

"How the hell did you find that out?" asked my friend.

"Every time I tried to put it in her mouth she'd turn her head!"

Every day after work, my girlfriend likes to come home and tell me all about her day. And when she does that, I like to hold her hand.

Cause she's deaf, and that way she can't talk anymore.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Meat Patty

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her...

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my “lack of vocabulary”…

What’s that even supposed to mean?

I saw a skeleton being yelled at by his girlfriend. I was surprised to see that he was calm.

When I asked him how he could stay so calm, he said, “Nothing can get under my skin.”

(Little Halloween joke for y’all!)

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

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Midway through sex my girlfriend's phone started ringing.

"That can wait," I told her.

"Hmm...It might be my boss," she replied.

I tried to get her back into our sexual encounter. "*I'm* your boss, baby."

"Well, you don't feel like him."

My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.

Or did she?

How do I talk to my girlfriend about her weight without starting a fight?

Whenever I bring it up with my wife she gets upset.

What does your long-distance girlfriend who you met on vacation have in common with the square root of -1?

They both are imaginary.

My girlfriend told me she felt unappreciated….

I guess leaving a tip on the nightstand is not what she had in mind

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

I had a girlfriend who couldn't understand what a simile was.

Gosh, what's that like.

My girlfriend and I bought a pizza to share and she got mad because I ate half.

Granted, it was the TOP half, but still…

Elon Musk and his girlfriend have broken up.

Told her he needed some space.

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A man sits next to me on the train and pulls out his phone showing me a photo of his girlfriend on his background screen, and said “she’s beautiful isn’t she?”

I go “if you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife…”

He goes “why, is she a stunner?”

I replied “no, she’s an optician”

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A man wanted to try 69 with his girlfriend

Right in the middle the man realizes he has a dentist appointment. So he pops up and heads to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth 3 times. He uses mouth wash twice and flosses once for good measure.

He gets to the dentist office just in time and his dentist calls him in. Dentist says open wid...

A redditor and a girlfriend walk into a bar....

No really, i have a girlfriend, the bartender could also see her and served her a drink.



Seriously WTF, sub? :)

The last time I played monopoly with my girlfriend, she didn’t talk to me for 3 days. We’re playing again tonight and I’m a bit nervous but hoping it will go better.

Fingers crossed for a week this time.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for my girlfriend, and there's nothing she wouldn't do for me.

So every day we do nothing for each other.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

I like my girlfriends like i like my microwaves!

Cool on the outside Hot on the inside and kills every baby i put in there.

I told my friends I had a girlfriend. They laughed and said she’s just imaginary.

Well, joke’s on them, because they’re imaginary too.

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I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive

My girlfriend lives 110 miles away

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My girlfriend walked into the room and said “Do these jeans make me look fat?”

“do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?” I asked

“Yes” she replied

“I fucked your sister”

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’ The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’ The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

I was doing a crossword the other day and my girlfriend asked "What's the clue?" I said "Lemon and lime carbonated drink " she replied " 7up ?"

I said "Nah three across"...

My First Girlfriend's Dad Was a Real Tough Guy

The first time I met him he said, "Whatever you do my baby girl, I do double back to you."

So I had her peg me.

A man buys a pack of condoms at the pharmacy...

The pharmacist says "Large pack, huh?" The guy buying says "Yeah. I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents tonight. After dinner when we go home we'll be getting it on." Later at the dinner, the guy is praying before he eats his food. His girlfriend says "I didn't know you were religious." The guy replie...

"Honey, can you make me breakfast in bed?" asked my girlfriend.

I said, "No, I'll have to go to the kitchen."

My girlfriend said she was getting an enormous tattoo of a tarantula on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."

"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."

"Actually," I added, "I meant being single."

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My girlfriend's vagina smells like roses....

But, Rose's is tighter...

COVID is like my girlfriend..

I didn't think it would be that bad but she has taken over everything. I can't go play football and she has killed my dad.

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My girlfriend always cheats on her diet.

She leaves candy around the house and fucks other guys

I once had a beautiful Roman girlfriend

She was a solid X

My girlfriend is like terms and conditions

Because I ignore everything she says and then agree with her.

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.

OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.

I nutted in my girlfriend in 3.14 secs

She asked me, what just happened to which i replied “cream π” .

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What did the cannibal do after he dropped his girlfriend?

Wiped his arse.


(Not my joke but thought it was funny)

My girlfriend's dog sprinted up to us wanting a cuddle.

"I love you, Henry," she said, stroking his fur.

"I love him more than you," I replied.

"I don't think so," she replied, "I definitely love him most."

I said, "You misunderstood me."

My girlfriend wanted to do doctor roleplaying.

I sat in the waiting room for about an hour while she saw two other patients who came in after me.

My girlfriend says i procrastrinrate a lot.

I'll fix the typo tomorrow.

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My girlfriend said that we will do something from a porn video for you birthday.

I didn't like it when she started to fuck the pizza delivery guy.

The trophy girlfriend

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, “No, I’d l...

My girlfriend said I'm one in a million.

Then she told me to go outside and wait till she calls my number.

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

Girlfriends are like boomerangs.

I hope.

Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me.

Now all I have is pain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] My girlfriend wanted to find out if my balls were super sensitive or not

So she gave them a test tickle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my girlfriend used to smoke after sex

so we started using lube.

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My girlfriend phoned me while I was on the graveyard shift.

"There are three blokes standing outside," she whispered nervously. "I think they're going to break in to our house!"

"If they force their way in," I replied, "don't let them have anything good. Alright?"

"OK!" she snapped. "I'll try my best."

I said, "No TV, no PlayStation, non...

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, everything in my life has changed.

My phone number, my address, my name. Everything.

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What's the different between a rooster and my ex girlfriend?

A rooster goes cockadoodledoo.

My ex goes anycock'lldo.

I got my girlfriend love voucher's as the present...

I didn't realize they are transferable.

Turns out they accept them at her work.

My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.

We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong.

A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny t...

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

My girlfriend dumped me.

I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.

My girlfriend got angry when I threw fragrance sticks at her.

She was incensed.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

A solid 10, but also imaginary.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

Today my girlfriend said she will spend the entire day wearing only a short skirt and a long jacket.

After all, it is my Cake day!

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