So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room

Im indiana Jones, Get out

I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…

2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

‌‌I walke‌‌d i‌‌n fro‌‌m wor‌‌k toda‌‌y an‌‌d m‌‌y wif‌‌e wa‌‌s sittin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e sof‌‌a wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfriend.

‌‌I said‌‌, “What’‌‌s goin‌‌g on?”

“Yo‌‌u tel‌‌l me?‌‌” replie‌‌d m‌‌y wife.

‌‌I said‌‌, “‌‌I don’‌‌t know‌‌, you’r‌‌e sittin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e sof‌‌a wit‌‌h ‌‌a stranger.”

“‌‌A stranger‌‌, hey?‌‌” shoute‌‌d m‌‌y girlfriend‌‌, “I’‌‌m n‌‌o stranger‌‌, we’v‌‌e bee‌‌n havin‌‌g se‌‌x fo...

I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD....

Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom...

....First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo....

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.

Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”

 “You miss me that much?” she asks.

 “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

My Girlfriend said last night, "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!".

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?

Me: Leave that to me

*later at dinner*

Her dad: *coughs* I need water

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

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My girlfriend asked to do a 69

I said "what’s that?" she said "lay down an I’ll show you" so she went to squat over my face.

as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time.

with that I jumped up an said "I’m off, I’m fucked if I’m hanging around for another 67 o...

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then...

My girlfriend gave me a handjob using Vaseline the other day.

I came three times in the shower trying to wash it off.

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After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

My girlfriend's gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.

I really don't know what else he wants to see.

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My girlfriend asked me to choke her and hit her during sex but it makes me feel guilty.

I’m joining the police academy to learn how to abuse and choke someone without being guilty.

I used to have a Spanish girlfriend called Nada

She meant nothing to me

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

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My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

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My girlfriend said we couldn't have sex while she had her period, but I walked in on her masturbating

caught her red handed.

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...

I told her not to get her hopes up.

"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

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I was going down on my girlfriend

Then I said 'Geez you got a big pussy! Geez you got a big pussy!' She said 'why did you say it twice?' and I said 'I didn't'".

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

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If my girlfriend had a dollar for every time I made a sexist joke...

she would have $0.77

My girlfriend moaned and said “please give it to me! i’m so wet!”.

She could complain all she wanted, I wasn’t giving her the umbrella.

I threw my girlfriend a bukakke birthday party...

Everybody came, you should have seen her face

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum

I asked my girlfriend if she does any other exercises...

Other than jumping to conclusions.

I love my girlfriend Arial.

I'm quite font of her.

My girlfriend left me cause I couldn’t stop quoting linkin park songs

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

My grandfather said his girlfriend died of gonorrhoea. I said “you don’t die from gonorrhoea”

He said “You do when you give it to me”

My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater

She's starting to sound like my wife

GIRLFRIEND : IM PREGNANT

ME : Hi pregnant, I'm dad

GIRLFRIEND : No you're not

Ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.

They'll kill your dog.

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I broke up with my girlfriend because she screamed too much during sex

Sometimes I could hear it two blocks away

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

They all disagreed with her though.

My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair...

Guess who came crawling back

My girlfriend is just like a microwave

She's easy to turn on, gets hot real quick, and if you put a baby in her she'll kill it.

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex

To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.

I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

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My girlfriend dressed up as a police officer, handcuffed me to the bed, and told me I was under arrest for being good in bed.

Then she shot me seven times in the chest.

A guy and his girlfriend are in a sportscar...

...the guy is doing daredevil stunts to impress her.
She turns to him, and says, "If you can go over 150 mph, I'll take off all of my clothes."
The guy obliges, and the car speeds down the road at 175mph, so the girlfriend tears all of her clothes off.

The guy loses control of the car...

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Best part about cumming on my girlfriend’s tits?

There’s 8 of em!

It sucks having to stay away from my girlfriend.

Not because of social distancing, she has a restraining order on me.

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My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man.

So I stuck it in her ass and said, "Yeah, you like that Alan."

I'd love to have oral intercourse with my girlfriend, but...

... I don't want to hurt her fillings

My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.

She has selfie steam issues.

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed

When we broke up she went fucking bananas

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now *THIS*?!

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I went down on my girlfriend for the first time...

And I said, "Damn you got a huge pussy! Damn you got a huge pussy! Damn you got a huge pussy! "

She said, "Why'd you say that three times!!!"

I replied, "I didn't "

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?



Wiped.

So 50 cent was angry with his german girlfriend

He was about to hit her and she screamed 59!!!!!!!!!

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I'm role-playing as a doctor with my girlfriend

She takes off her pants and I tell her that a vaginal exam isn't covered by her insurance; then I dress up as an insurance salesman and fuck her over the phone for five hours straight.

My girlfriend isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

I'm not sure how. I don't even know it's her birthday.

My girlfriend and I are trying the whole "long distance relationship thing"

Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"

I have been with my girlfriend for 10 years, and she never once told a joke.

We are in a very serious relationship.

My tennis player girlfriend broke up with me

I guess love meant nothing to her

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

A man and his girlfriend check into a hotel.

“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with hearing devices.” the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.

“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.

The girl insists, so he starts to search the room. He looks in all of the drawers, under th...

What did the volcano say to his girlfriend?

I lava you!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am desperate to tell someone about my girlfriend’s new fetish.

I really need to get this shit off my chest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend got a butt implant...

Shortly after the operation, she starting getting calls from all these modeling agencies and she was even featured in the new Drake music video that aired on MTV.


I called her to say congratulations, and she asked me how I found out...


I just s...

I was fingering my girlfriend while she was on her period...

Suddenly, my roommate walked in on us. I was caught red-handed..

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

I what’s the similarity’s between a cop and a kinky girlfriend?

They both keep chocking you even after you ask to stop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girlfriend said she isn't happy with our sex life.

A small part of me knows why...

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One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my front door step, drinking a beer and watching my girlfriend mow the lawn.

The lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung!" I smiled and calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass".

Haven’t seen my Indian girlfriend in almost a month because her dad “forbids it”.

Screw you Soshul Distin Singh!

I think I mistakenly slept with my girlfriend's twin and I feel horrible

I didn't realize it until he took off his condom.

Me and my girlfriend go really well together. First off, we've both been arrested.

Her for aggravated assault and me for aggravated apepper

My best friend Emily and her girlfriend Sarah gifted me a Rolex.

Really appreciate the present but not what I meant when I said I wanna watch

My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day...

I stopped seeing her for a while.

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

My buddy became a savage after his girlfriend left.

I guess I should have known he'd become Ruth-less.

Want to know which school my girlfriend goes to?

Pre-school




^She's ^great ^with ^kids ^and ^makes ^time ^to ^talk ^about ^her ^day ^when ^the ^kids ^are ^having ^nap ^time.

my girlfriend told my to throw my Meat loaf CDs out

I would do anything for love but I won't do that

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My girlfriend always tells everybody that I have a dick like a baby.

I think it’s nobody’s business that it’s 40 centimetres long and weighs 5 kilograms

My ex-girlfriend's name is Eileen.

whenever I hear the song "come on Eileen" I can't help but think "I already did"

My girlfriend said she would break up with me if I said another Scooby-Doo quote.

My last words to her were “Alright, let’s split up gang.”

I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...

But two Hobbits just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.

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A guy recently got dumped by his girlfriend...

He also lost his job and has no money. He decides to go to the bar to forget his problems. When he gets there there are two other guys sitting at the bar. One of them notices that the guy is sad, and walks over to him.

"Hey man, whats got you down?" the man says

"I lost my job and my ...

My girlfriend says she only dates highly intelligent men. I told her, "That makes sense...

...opposites attract."

My girlfriend had dinner with Bill Cosby last night

He bought the food she covered the drinks.

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A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.

He says “This is Amanda”. His dad jumps up “It’s a fucking what?”

My girlfriend fell and landed crotch first on my Timbs. You know what I called her?

Puss in boots.

My girlfriend constantly suffers from urinary tract infections

I told her she put the uti in cutie.

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”

That is not a good sign.

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A man asked another man, “How do I get my wife and girlfriend together so I can have a threesome?

The man answered, “That’s easy. Introduce them to each other and let them talk while you go fuck the two dudes you want to get with.”

My girlfriend asked if I remembered to get tickets for the 80s dance party she was really looking forward to. I had to tell her...

Domo arigato, totally forgoto

My girlfriend asked me to show her how I felt with a bunch of flowers...

... So I gave her a triffid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Thai girlfriend says a small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship

But still i wish she hadn't one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between my wife and a girlfriend?

I don't have sex with my wife.

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I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.

I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight

I went over to my girlfriends house the other day.

*knock knock*

Her: Who's there?

Me: it's me, let me come in.

Her: it's me, let me come in *who*?

Me: it's me, let me in come in you

My new girlfriend told me I was terrible in bed...

I think It's pretty unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.

I saw my ex-girlfriend last week

We were both at a loss for words when we saw each other. I was wondering what to say and she was wondering why I was in her apartment.

My girlfriend once turned to me in bed

She asked me:Jake would you ever consider adoption

I answered:Only if you got pregnant

My girlfriend left a note on my refrigerator saying "This isn't working, goodbye"

But she was wrong. I opened the fridge and it's working just fine...

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100.

Definetly a 10, but imaginary.

I just made love to my girlfriend.

She asked, “If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?”

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

“Well” I said, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini”.

My girlfriend is exactly like my mother:

looks like her, talks like her, dresses like her.

I took her home.

My father didn't like her.

I broke up with my girlfriend when she told me she used to be Christian.

I only knew her as Christina and this was too much of a shock.

Two girlfriends are chatting.

“Have you heard about the new husband shopping centre in town?" one asks. "It's a four-floor building where women can go to choose a husband from hundreds of eligible men. The only rule is, once you go up a floor, you can't go down, except to leave the place never to return. Let's try it out."
<...

My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant

What's the difference between my ex girlfriend and the Atlantic Ocean?

The Atlantic Ocean would never give me *that* many crabs.

My girlfriend and I were arguing as usual. She said "It's either me or your obsession with pointing out doors?"

I said "Well if you don't like it; the door is there".

I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT MY GIRLFRIEND IS NOW EATING FOR TWO!!! after a doctor's visit yesterday he confirmed what we’ve been suspecting for weeks now.

she has a tapeworm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend keeps saying that a small dick is nothing to worry about

I still wish she hadn't got one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my Girlfriend my ultimate fantasy is to have sex with two women at the same time. She actually agreed...

She was livid when I told her she was neither of them.

Bro.. Your girlfriend is cheating on you!

Damn!! Which one?

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.

*Well she’s in for a shock.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gave my girlfriend an orgasm.

She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea,

but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod

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„Dad, can I talk with you about sex with my girlfriend?“

„Yes, what about it?“
„Please stop.“

My girlfriend was born in a leap year so technically she is 4 lol

And 1 in leap years

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My girlfriend asked why I never told her about my sexual dysfunction

But honestly it just never came up

TIFU by telling my dad his girlfriend cheated on him.

In all fairness, I could’ve sent the wedding invitations through the mail instead...

My girlfriend told me to call her Mrs. Right

She forgot to tell me her first name was Always

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My girlfriend called me to tell me that I should learn from my manager roommate.

(this happened half hour ago, my roommate' s name is not actually jack)

She said, "Now that you are in lockdown with your friend Jack who is a manager in his company, you should learn some skills from him"

Infuriated, I told her that Jack can't teach me anything!

She says, "you ...

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker!

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend...

...yet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.

She'll kill me if she finds out.

My girlfriend just did a #2 on my head

I used to have the guy down the street do it, but it wasn't considered a "critical service".

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games

What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4

My girlfriend broke up with me and started dating her gynecologist...

At least he knows what he's getting into.

What did my communist girlfriend say when she grabbed my balls?

I’m seizing your means of production.

Why is 2020 pizza delivery like my ex-girlfriend?

They both do no-contact orders!

My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

Me and my girlfriend are getting married

"When?"

Me on 10th June

She on 20th July

Today my girlfriend yelled at me and said I never finish anything

So to prove her wrong I

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother serves a creamy yellow soup to her son and his girlfriend at the dinner tablr

Everyone begins consuming it immediately. The girlfriend, an aspiring theater actress, says to her boyfriend’s mother, “This soup is absolutely delicious! What’s the secret ingredient?”

“Piss,” replied his mother.

Everyone promptly spits out their soup.

“Excuse me?” asks his ...

What did Woody's girlfriend say to him when she admitted to an affair with Buzz?

"You've got a friend in me."

My girlfriend told me that she has lost all her patients with my morning routine making her late to work. I told her that maybe...

she should be a better doctor

Meeting the Friend's Blonde Girlfriend

A man is introducing himself to his friend's new girlfriend who happens to be a blonde.

As he reaches out to shake her hand, his friend notices a nasty scar on his forearm.

Jokingly, his friend points and says, "what happened? Failed suicide attempt?"

The man laughs it off and ...

In this Quarantine, I'm planning to watch movie with my girlfriend.

Please suggest a good girlfriend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has a poop fetish

I always give her shit for it

Me and my girlfriend tried oral for the first time today

She sucked at it

A girlfriend wanted to clue in her boyfriend that she's in the mood~~

Knowing that he's a fan of quizzes and riddles, she proposes this set of questions:

1. What unit of verse has a short syllable followed by a long one?
2. What's the comfiest place to watch TV?
3. What do you call a monarch of old?
4. Of what is the *Shofar* made?
5. What does the...

I don't agree with my girlfriend when she calls me selfish..

I just like to keep that to myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.

She spat it right back in my face.


Credits: Jimmy Carr

There was once a Roman who ate his girlfriend.

## He was gladiator.

When you drink a lot of alcohol, you oversleep, don't remember important things, don't go to work, hallucinate and sometimes even forget that you have a girlfriend or that you're married...

But most importantly, don't forget that drinking also come with negative effects...

What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking?

Use lubricant

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to get married.

So I said "Sure"

She asked "When?"

"When I meet the right person"

My girlfriend said she would leave me if I didn't stop with the Wham references

I said well, wake me up before you go go.

My ex girlfriend used to say that her "body was a temple", what she meant by that was...

...you can't wear shoes when you're inside of her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me I had a sniper penis

I said, “Because I always hit the right spot.”

She said, “No, because I can’t see it hiding in the bush.”

My girlfriend called me on my way home from work.

“Watch out, there’s some idiot on the highway driving on the wrong side of the road”

Me: It’s not just one idiot, it’s all of them

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, holding a

big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips

her knickers off and says

'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' sa...

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