UPJOKE
womanfriendgirllady friendloverwifemistressfemalefriendshipboyfriendfianceewifeydaughtermotherhusband

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American...

But honestly, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.

Or did she?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my girlfriend says her pussy's like a rose

But I think it looks more like tulips

My girlfriend said, “I am breaking up with you because of your addiction of wearing a different t-shirt every half an hour.”

I said, “Wait! I can change.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are talking about sex with their girlfriends.

Says the first guy: “Dude, have you ever tried doing it in the other hole?” His buddy is outraged: “Are you crazy? She could get pregnant that way!”

My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.

She has selfie steam issues.

My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"

My girlfriend’s dog died so I got her an identical one to try and cheer her up.

But it made her even more upset.

She screamed at me saying, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

I thought my girlfriend was joking when she said she wanted a Monkees-themed wedding.

Then I saw her face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hug my girlfriend really tight after sex.

That way she deflates quicker.

Pregnant girlfriend

Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor: Let me tell you a story: “There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion s...

My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!

I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

So, my girlfriend kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

My girlfriend is always stealing my shirts and sweaters...

But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk"

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I

also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

I just got dumped by my cross-eyed girlfriend

She said she wasn’t looking forward to see me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend, the sexiest girl in the world and the only woman I know who takes it up the ass, to marry me

All three said no.

I had to break up with my girlfriend after I ran over her feet with a lawnmower...

I'm lactose intolerant.

My vegan girlfriend dumped me. The other day I bit into a vegan sandwich and cried.

Not because I missed her but because it was vegan.

One night, a couple of years ago, I was about to propose to my girlfriend.

But my roommate Joseph barged in out of no where, tripped and fell over breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.

Now, I didn't know Joseph that well, don't even remember where he was from. But let's just say I put my plans on hold to help him with his injuries. Joseph ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer...

Me; "Okay, this is not working out."

What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

I often wonder if my Thai girlfriend is actually a ladyboy...

Something inside me says, yes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend and I have sex an average of twice a week

I have sex zero times a week

she has sex four times a week.

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown c...

how do you know when your girlfriends getting chubby?

She fits in your wife's clothes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my girlfriend just told me that she was fingered both anally and vaginally by the gynaecologist

saying "awesome" was not the right reaction

I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak the same language sometimes

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”

She says I have a “restraining order.”

My girlfriend douches with lemon juice

She's a real sourpuss.

I just found out that my girlfriend is mad at me

According to her diary, I have "boundary issues".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner....

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean...

my girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. after 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100

I lost interest in that relationship.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is trying to convince me she doesn’t poop.

I think she’s full of crap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a smoking sex playlist for me and my girlfriend

Her complaint was that it was only 30 seconds long.

I just found out that my girlfriend is a mime.

I can’t believe that after all these years, she never told me.

My girlfriend's red flags wouldn't have bothered me so much

....if they didn't have swastikas on them.

My American girlfriend recently had a knee transplant here in London

which is ironic as her name is Britney

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know wh...

I found out last night that my new girlfriend is a ‘squirter’.

That’s the last time we try knife throwing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend

After having great sex she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls because it was something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her

'Why do you love doing that?'

'Because' she replied 'I really miss mine'

A son tells his father, "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says, "You know, you could do better."

"Thanks Dad," the son says. The father shakes his head and goes, "I was talking to your girlfriend."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Spartacus feel after his girlfriend convinced him to try cunnilingus for the first time?

Gladiator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW My girlfriend used to smoke after sex.

So we started using lubricant.

My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure.

Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.

**A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.**

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not wanting to ruin the mood the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first time my girlfriend saw my penis she chuckled and said, who do you think you're going to satisfy with that thing?

"Me."

Girlfriend messaged me: "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

What does 'ternative' mean?

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

I asked him if his girlfriends name was also Wendy.

He said ‘No....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just made my girlfriend a coffee using sperm instead of milk

I call it an ejaculatte.

My girlfriend is really poor

She's always saying Please! Please leave me a loan!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is common between a 9volt battery and your girlfriend's anus?

You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you'll put your tongue on it.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating

She’s starting to sound like my wife

My girlfriend wants to dump me -- she says I'm too vindictive

We'll see about that.

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

I asked my girlfriend to suck the life out of me and leave me dry...

She said, "YES!! I'll marry you."

I have to say that my girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a perfect ten but sadly, she’s imaginary.

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend broke up with him because he had a foot fetish?

I guess he got off on the wrong foot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

My girlfriend just yelled at me: "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought,

"Wow. What a weird way to start a conversation."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He wiped his butt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My last girlfriend loved japanese noodles very much

But we recently brokeup when I found out she cheated on me with 5 guys. No condoms.

I guess she really loves 'RawMen'.

My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend won't let me spank her butt during foreplay, so I glued her butt cheeks together...

Well, if you can't beat them, join them.

Mike was going to have dinner at his girlfriend’s to meet her parents for the first time

Before heading to her house he stopped at the pharmacy, tells the guy behind the counter

“Hi, can you please give me a rubber please, I’m going to meet my GF parents tonight and afterwards who knows right? Better yet give me two, my GF’s sister is hot too and she is always locking eyes with ...

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine, so I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now...

She’s sangria then ever!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Never lend your car or girlfriend to friends

They always comeback fucked

My girlfriend wants to break up because of my procastination

I told her we can discuss this later

My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

Look who came crawling back

Pinocchio has a new girlfriend...

Pinocchio has a new girlfriend, but they're worried about becoming intimate because she doesn't want to get a bunch of splinters. So Pinocchio goes to Geppetto and asks for assistance with the problem. Geppetto suggests that Pinocchio apply a little bit of sandpaper to his privates prior to the in...

a guy gives a bouquet of flowers to his girlfriend

she says: "guess I'm supposed to open my legs now?"

he says: "why? don't you have a vase?"

A 75 year old man with all white hair is dating a 22 year old girl. His girlfriend is pregnant. After the birth he asks the nurse “well nurse, how did I do?” The nurse replied “you did great she had twins.” The old man responded “ A little snow on the roof and I still got a fire in the furnace”

To This the nurse replied “ Well you may want to clean the filters because those babies are black”

My girlfriend wasn't sure if she liked her new hairstyle.

I told her to sleep on it.

Genuinely happened today. Was pretty proud of myself.

What's the difference between a buoy and my ex girlfriend?

A buoy can be found above the ocean's surface.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there I am, alone with my girlfriend. She leans closer and whispers in my ear. . .

"Tell me something you've never told anyone at all."

After a pause, I whisper back "I think the Owl People are already among us."

"Who?"

"Holy shit!"

My girlfriend wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food in front of you

So I took her to Subway

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said there's nothing wrong with having a 3 inch penis

I just wish she didn't have one.

A Guy is on a second date with his Girlfriend, in a Yugo he bought for $500

He blows a tire and ends up taking it to the nearest tire shop, the technician asks him what the vehicle is, and he says a Yugo, technician says "sorry we dont work on bikes", he says no its a Car, technician says "oh, yeah we can order a tire for you" after doing some searching he tells the guy itl...

Karl marx asks his girlfriend for a handjob

Karl marx asks his girlfriend for a handjob

When she denies he says

"Please, seize the means of reproduction"

My girlfriend got braces yesterday…

Now my children are stuck behind bars…

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I always knew that things wouldn't work out between me and my ex girlfriend.

After all, I'm an Aquarius and she's a bitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a "sexy policewoman" and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Looks like I got off easy this time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend if she was ready for 12 inches of dick and she said yes.

I'm so excited for 12 rounds of sex tonight!

My girlfriend just dumped me

She got mad because of “the way I spend my money on myself”

But the thing is, I bought her presents every week, took her on trips, spent literally thousands on her in this relationship, and just this one time, I spend literally just a $100 on a hooker, she gets all mad and dumps me…

I told my girlfriend she was bad at handjobs

I guess that rubbed her the wrong way.

I’ve been trying really hard to break up with my optician girlfriend.

Every time I tell her I can’t see her any more, she moves a bit closer to me says "How about now, is that any better?"

I told my Dad I'd got a new app that would make Amazon Alexa be my girlfriend.

Dad: "You can do much better than that."

Me: "Thanks."

Dad: "I was talking to Alexa."

This guy has a girlfriend who's 7 ft 4 in tall

He loves going up on her.

I asked my father for advice with my girlfriend. He told me to kiss her where it smells

So I took her to New Jersey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend and I only ever have sex in the doggy style position

She said I misunderstood her when she told me she "likes it ruff"

Tarzan had just taught his new girlfriend, Jane, how to swing from a vine.

Jane saw a long, thin stick hanging among the vines. "Can I try swinging from that?" she asked Tarzan.

"You can try," replied Tarzan. "But trust me, it won't work."

So Jane grabbed the stick. Then, much to Tarzan's amazement, Jane was swinging from the stick just as well as he had ever...

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.

She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

So i broke up with my blind girlfriend through a Braille message.

She couldn't believe her fingers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just don’t get women. My girlfriend says that I have a real problem with mansplaining everything and if I don’t stop, she’ll throw me down a hole filled with water. I know she means well

And when I told her that, she lost her shit and threw me out of the house. Women!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Convincing your girlfriend that she's crazy is called gaslighting and it's a dick move.

Convincing her that she's a robot with artificial intelligence and implanted memories is called bladerunning and it's a Philip K. Dick move.

My girlfriend called me and said "come over, nobody's home." So I went over.

Nobody was home.

My girlfriend and I were shopping today. We saw that Trojan had designed Olympic sponsored Condoms? I told here we had to buy some...

What's so special about them?

They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze.

And what color are you going to wear tonight?

Gold, obviously!

Why not Silver? It'd be great if you could come second for a change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is so ungrateful...

Whenever I give her an orgasm, she spits it in my face.

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.

(Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.)

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend says she’s open to a lot of stuff when it comes to sex

Apparently one of those things isn’t criticism

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex girlfriend Sandra's mum came steaming up to me in the supermarket earlier, with a six-pint bottle of milk in her hand..

She ripped the lid off and poured the lot over my head.

"THAT.." she yelled, "Is from our Sandra."

"Oh don't talk like a cunt." I replied. "That could be from any cow."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made fun of my Irish girlfriends pussy the other day.

I don’t know why she got so upset.
It’s just a wee craic.

I broke up with my girlfriend, who is an Optometrist

She's a great lady, has a lot of my same interests, and is really a kind person. She's just really irritating in bed.

She's always saying, "So do like it better like this... or like this?"

My girlfriend's nickname for me is Bill Gates...

She said it's because I've got a micro soft too.

I call my girlfriend Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute.

I just really hope her mom gets shot.

Me and my girlfriend split up because she said I thought about video games too much.

It’s such a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video

I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend walked in on me having sex with her vase of flowers the other day…

Turns out that’s not what she meant when she said she wanted to put her tulips around my cock

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think my family is racist...

When I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!

Proud my girlfriend refers to my junk as a weapon of mass destruction

Unfortunately she meant hard to find.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend says, the new breast implants make her feel uncomfortable.

But, I think I look sexy.

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She is absolutely thrilled at the speed.

Never a man to turn down a good opportunity, the young man asks “If I go 120 mph, will you take off your clothes?”

“Sure!” says his adventurous girlfriend. So off they go.

As he gets up to 120 mph, she starts peeling off her clothes. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"How the fuck can you call me a slag?" Yelled my girlfriend during a fight. "I've only slept with seven men."

"Look, can we finish this when they've gone?"

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.

She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

Stats show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.

Now I've just got to figure out if it's my girlfriend or my wife.

I had a fight with my imaginary girlfriend.

She said I was never really there.

My girlfriend told me she would break up with me if I kept telling jokes about the USSR

Soviet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is addicted to eating guano.

She’s bat shit crazy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nsfw I caught my girlfriend using fruit to masturbate whenever i'm not home..

I told her that this is not going to work out.. Then she completed lost it and went fucking bananas!

My girlfriend surprised me when she came home today in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling of honey.

She's a keeper.

My dyslexic girlfriend told me I had a big spine.

While I misunderstood at first, she took it well.

How does the Hamburglar introduce his girlfriend?

Meet Patty

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend if we could try anal.

She said “you’re not ready for that sodomy”

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra...

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's bra. I gave up at the end. I wish I had never tried it on in the first place.

My girlfriend said to me: "If one day, you want to run away, just let me know..."

Turns out she meant together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.