Two girlfriends talk

* So, Stacy, have you tried ... you know ..., *the other hole* with your boyfriend?
* Are you crazy?! We don't want any kids!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis (NSFW)

My girlfriends name is Wendy and I had it tattooed on my penis.

When it’s flaccid you can only see WY.

On a trip to the Caribbean I went to the bathroom and was standing at the trough next to a local.

I briefly gazed down and saw that he too had WY tattooed on his penis.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a sex playlist for me and my girlfriend

Her complaint was that it was only 30 seconds long.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video

I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

I saw my girlfriend naked for the first time and genuinely loved it. (Nsfw)

Although saying "This was a lot to take in" wasn't the right choice of words.

I had an ex-girlfriend that liked it in the ear

"How the hell did you find that out?" asked my friend.

"Every time I tried to put it in her mouth she'd turn her head!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.

So I said: "Ok, this isn't working out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.

There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sits next to me on the train and pulls out his phone showing me a photo of his girlfriend on his background screen, and said “she’s beautiful isn’t she?”

I go “if you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife…”

He goes “why, is she a stunner?”

I replied “no, she’s an optician”

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...

...I can’t pull anything out in time!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pregnant Girlfriend

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he enco...

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wanted to try 69 with his girlfriend

Right in the middle the man realizes he has a dentist appointment. So he pops up and heads to the bathroom. He brushes his teeth 3 times. He uses mouth wash twice and flosses once for good measure.

He gets to the dentist office just in time and his dentist calls him in. Dentist says open wid...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Midway through sex my girlfriend's phone started ringing.

"That can wait," I told her.

"Hmm...It might be my boss," she replied.

I tried to get her back into our sexual encounter. "*I'm* your boss, baby."

"Well, you don't feel like him."

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

The trophy girlfriend

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, “No, I’d l...

Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me.

Now all I have is pain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend walked into the room and said “Do these jeans make me look fat?”

“do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?” I asked

“Yes” she replied

“I fucked your sister”

Today my girlfriend said she will spend the entire day wearing only a short skirt and a long jacket.

After all, it is my Cake day!

My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious.

Or did she?

After only a week of dating, my girlfriend broke up with me because she doesn't like my comparisons...

I feel worst than a turkey sandwich on a yacht.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend always freaks out over small things...

...Good thing she hasn't seen my dick yet!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my girlfriend used to smoke after sex

so we started using lube.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] My girlfriend wanted to find out if my balls were super sensitive or not

So she gave them a test tickle.

My girlfriend keeps telling me I should make a TikTok

Because I’m really good for about 15 seconds.

I’ll see my way out.

You know I always used to think that my girlfriend was just not funny.

That was until I realized that she told me jokes everyday! Like “I love you” or “I never cheated on you”

My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.

OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the different between a rooster and my ex girlfriend?

A rooster goes cockadoodledoo.

My ex goes anycock'lldo.

I brought my girlfriend to watch one of my soccer matches. When an opponent was about to score a goal, she stormed the field and prevented it with her bare hands.

She's a keeper.

My girlfriend wants to have a baby…

and I don’t, so we’re going to compromise. We’re having a baby but I get to name it. So I’m going to call it Brexit, because although only half of the people involved want it to happen, it’s going to happen anyway.

Girlfriends are like boomerangs.

I hope.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend, I am the only one you have sex with?

She responded, “No, the rest are 9’s and 10’s”

My girlfriend and I were doing some doctor/patient roleplay.

"Oh my goodness," she purred, "are you going to inject me, doc?"

I said, "Yes, honey. But don't worry, you won't feel a thing."

My girlfriend said she'd leave me unless I promised to stop quoting oasis all of the time

I said maybe

A boy plans on taking his girlfriend to prom.

A boy plans on taking his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flower...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend asked me if I smoked after sex.

I said ‘Dunno. I’ve never looked’

A son tells his father: “I have an imaginary girlfriend.”

The father sighs and says: “You know, you could do better.”

Son: “Thanks Dad!”

Father: “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, everything in my life has changed.

My phone number, my address, my name. Everything.

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”

I saw it coming from a kilometre away

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The owner of the sex shop sold some lingerie to my girlfriend that has zero sex appeal.

But the lingerie is decent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend's vagina smells like roses....

But, Rose's is tighter...

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new girlfriend asked me if my sex playlist was just Wonderwall on repeat

I said maybe

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex-girlfriend had this weird fetish

She liked to dress up like herself and act like a raging bitch all the time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me to stop watching porn, saying it degrades women.

Joke's on her, the porn I watch doesn't have any women in it.

My girlfriend

Used to go down on me every night, but then I bought a puncture repair kit.

Mom I'm going to my girlfriends place!

Mom: "Make sure to take condoms with you!"
Son: "Mom, I'm 14."
Mom: "Oh yeah? And I am 28."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

My girlfriend just accused me of being too childish, walked out, and slammed the door. It was pretty brave of her...

...considering the floor was lava.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Telling the girlfriend's parents that you fuck their daughter like a wild marten in gooseberries is unacceptable.

Instead, tell them that you are trying for a baby, and then everyone will celebrate.

Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

A huge 10, but also imaginary

Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.

The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.

Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.

He said well take these drinks to table. 10.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John gets pulled over on the 405 with his girlfriend in the passenger seat

John: Is there a problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone

John: No, I was only going 65 tops

John's girlfriend: Oh John, you were going 80

John gives his girlfriend a nasty look

Cop: I'm also writing you a ticket for your broken taillight
...

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend

she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My porn star girlfriend is on this new diet.

She eats loads.

My girlfriend broke up with me, she said I was bad at communicating.

I didn't know how to respond.

What does an oasis and your girlfriend have in common

They're both hallucinations

I just found out my girlfriend is a ghost.

To be honest, I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He might wipe his butt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I don’t know why but every time we watch a movie starring Chris Pratt my girlfriend always goes into the bathroom for a very long time

I don’t really mind and I don’t really care because that just gives me more time to jerk off to Chris Pratt

Today I came out of the closet to my girlfriend

She just screamed "WHO ARE YOU" and called the police

A guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his girlfriend from his wallet and said 'she's beautiful isn't she'

I said 'if you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife'

He asked 'why, is she a stunner?'

I replied 'no, she's an optician'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is incredibly sad since her cat has been disappeared.

I am quite sure now that I misunderstood something when she asked me to eat her pussy - and I am beginning to think that I did not get the "fuck her doggy" part either.

My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed

But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds

My girlfriend dared me to take schizophrenia meds.

Now she's gone missing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend came home from work and asked me to take all her clothes off!!

I gently but seductively started with her top, mini skirt, bra then her g-string.

She moans and yells at me "Don't wear my fucking clothes again!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord

My anti-vaxx girlfriend asked me about trying to make a child together

Apparently, “Let’s give it a shot, then” wasn’t the best answer.

My girlfriend said, "If you don't quit drinking, I'll leave you."

I never expect to hear two bits of good news in one day.

Did you hear about the guy whose girlfriend accused him of battery?

Apparently he was charged.

I rushed home because my girlfriend kept saying she was "hot and bothered".

Turns out the AC is busted.

A man brings his girlfriend to an apple tree grove to do some sightseeing on her birthday

But the girlfriend was clearly upset because...
.
.
.
That wasn't the apple watch she was expecting

My girlfriend wants to break up with me.

She says it's because I keep making jokes about her getting fat. So I said ''That's not true. I would never try to have fun at your expanse"

My girlfriend told me I spend too much time playing fantasy football

But, in my defence, I have Andy Robertson, John Stones and Kyle Walker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girlfriend: "I'm new to learning about male anatomy how does your penis work?"

Guy: "It doesn't."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girlfriend : what do you want for your birthday?

Me : Anal sex

Girlfriend : nice try, tell me something which I can buy for you ?

Me : ok then , Anal sex with a prostitute

My girlfriend said "Let's make love"

I said "What, here in the kitchen?"

She said "Yes, the clock's broken and I want to time three minutes for this egg".

I know what will finally get me a girlfriend…

…moving back in with my parents. She’ll see that I’m a family man

My current girlfriend is anorexic

I’m seeing less and less of her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my Japanese girlfriend to make me a traditional dish tasty enough to make me fall in love with her national cuisine.

Sushi did.

So me and the girlfriend are on the couch watching some TV...

I hear my phone that I left in the kitchen get a text, so I get up to look...

It came from the GF: *"Please bring some chips on your way back".*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me sex was best on vacation.

Not the best post card I have received.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to do a threesome...

I told her, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'll go have dinner with my parents.

My girlfriend left me because i'm too insecure..

Oh wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of coffee.

When I started dating my communist girlfriend I should have known things wouldn’t work out…

So many red flags

My girlfriend claims I get attached way too quickly...

I feel insulted. That's the first and last time I pay at this cashier.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is a body builder

The little shit just turn two today.

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.

Q: What do you call a bass player without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless.

These just jokes people...

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is at the bar, talking about his best friend, Max, being interested in his girlfriend.

"I understand I may be overreacting, but I'm still kinda worried like what happened to my ex." The bartender tells him "You'll be fine, just ask if there's a misunderstanding and try to clear it up." He thanks the bartender and goes home.

When he opened the door, he found Max having sex with ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend just punched me in the balls

Not what I meant when I said “time to hit the sack.”

My girlfriend said she is leaving me because of my constant name dropping

David Beckham warned me this might happen...

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes. "What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said. "Don't you mean Polio?" "N...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

What do you call it when you accidentally knock up your girlfriend?

A misconception

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said to me "would you rather give up chocolate or blow jobs for the rest of your life?"

I said "definitely blowjobs, they hurt my jaw and throat after a while"

It was going great with my girlfriend until she started putting her Sylvester Stallone dolls in the middle of the bed.

Things have been a little Rocky between us ever since.

People say it takes a long time to get over your ex girlfriend

I just needed to step on the gas pedal a little bit harder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast.

I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy’s girlfriend walked in on him getting a blowjob from another woman

He didn’t even apologise or anything, just looked her in the eye and said “It’s not my fault, her tongue piercing got magnetically attracted to me.”

That dude must have balls of steel.

How does Chris Brown's girlfriend know that he cheated?

Different shade of lipstick on his knuckles.

My girlfriend told me I listened to too much Linkin Park

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

My girlfriend said that once we get married I can stop wearing condoms!!

Guess you don’t need an umbrella if it’s never gonna rain...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend's moving in with me this week so this morning I burned all my porn DVDs in the garden.

Now all I have to do is burn the ones in the shed, the house, and the garage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got in trouble for something I did while my girlfriend was dreaming

Apparently it’s not ok for me to have sex with her friend , even if she’s sleeping

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is very paradoxical...

She sucks at blowjob.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I refused to have sex with my girlfriend because she was on her period

I found her in masturbating in the bathroom the next day. Caught her red handed

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

My girlfriend said she'll leave me if I don't support LGBTQ

That's a bit of a red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet flag.

My girlfriend says she’s possessed.

My girlfriend has been saying she’s been having weird experiences and weird thoughts so she went to confess to a priest. The priest told me she was possessed and that she needs and exorcism. Sometimes the priest comes over to perform the exorcisms and it gets really ugly. I hear her on the bed shaki...

My girlfriend said she wanted to buy some books before we had even put our new bookcase together.

I said “let’s not get ahead of our shelves”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan.

Tomato Means Harder And Cheese Means Faster. So We Were Having Sex And She Was Screaming Tomato Tomato Tomato Cheese Cheese Cheese, Then My Little Brother Said Can Y’all Stop Making Sandwiches Your Getting Mayonnaise All Over My Bed.

"How to break up with your girlfriend" A two-step process:

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Girlfriend just told me she's pregnant...

I'm going to be a mother fucking dad soon!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a Dvd player, a televis...

A second girlfriend

To see her reaction,he told her that he wants a second girlfriend,

In the first day he didn't see anything.

In the second day he didn't see anything.

In the third day he began to see a little bit from his right eye.

My girlfriend dissapeared when she got a virus on her computer one day and never came back.

I guess she Ransomware..

It was the first anniversary of my relationship with my girlfriend yesterday.

Being the sort of person I am, I arranged for a fancy car to arrive outside at 7pm sharp, a lovely meal at a fine restaurant and a walk by the moonlit pier followed by a night of wine and intense passion.

Ever the nit-picker, I awoke to an earful from my girlfriend because as usual there’s o...

My girlfriend called me childish the other day

I was so shocked I nearly choked on my alphabetti spaghetti

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day I was going down on my girlfriend.

And I said jeez you got a big pussy. You got a big pussy.

She asked why did you say that twice...I said I didn’t, that was an echo.

Thanks predator 1.

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said yes!

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just as...

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down or use lubricant

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.