The 153+ Best Girlfriend Jokes

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What's the difference between having sex with a hooker, your girlfriend and your wife?

Hooker says, "are you done yet?"

Your girlfriend says, "you're done already?"

And your wife says, "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went.

One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lio...

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How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

Call and tell her about it.

So I broke up with my handicapped girlfriend and stole her wheelchair..

But guess who came crawling back!!?!

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Sometimes I want to have sex when my girlfriend is on her period…

So I will lay a towel on the bed, and then lay her on the towel. And then I will go have sex with one of her friends.

-Dan Mintz from his album The Stranger

My paraplegic girlfriend just broke up with me.

She said all I do is push her around and talk about her behind her back.

I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a communist.

To be honest, there were a lot of red flags

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Wipe his ass

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

From my girlfriend

What do you call an average comedian?
……
A median

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My girlfriend kept going "Sssshhh" while we were having sex last night.

I think she may have a puncture.

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea", I replied, "We can cover more ground that way."

My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues...

Oh wait. She's back. She just went to get some milk.

I think my girlfriend's a secret drug dealer

I just answered her phone, and this man said "is that dope still there?"

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Johnny wanted to have sex !!!

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I’ll give you a £100 if you let me screw you, But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, ...

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But I refused.

If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

A man goes into a drug store and asked to buy condoms the salesperson ask how many he needs

The man says I've been seeing this girl for a while and I am having dinner with her parents tonight and then we're going out and I think I'm going to get lucky I'll need 12.
that night the man is at dinner with his gf and her family and he asks if he can do the blessing.
after his prayer ...

A Femme Fatale reports to her superior after a successful undercover mission.

"Excellent work, as always, agent. Operation *Girlfriend Experience* was an outstanding success because of you. The villain has been apprehended and is awaiting sentencing," the superior comments.

"Thank you, sir. Just doing my duty," she responds.

"But there is one thing..." he contin...

I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was too much history between us.

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to prom..

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually...

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My girlfriend is so ungrateful. Whenever I give her an orgasm...

... she just spits it out.

What did the pirate call his non-seafaring girlfriend?

His land lover

What should you do if your Girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and apply some lubrication.

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Three men pass away in a tragic car crash

Their girlfriends are trying to figure out what to do with their ashes. The first woman says "hey, my boyfriend really loved nature. I'm going to spread his ashes throughout the forest so he can be eternally connected with the wilderness."

The second woman says "hey, my boyfriend was really i...

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She was livid. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

I can't say no to my girlfriend when she gives me puppy dog eyes...

If she could be that cruel to a poor, defenseless dog I can't imagine what she could do to me.

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I took my girlfriend to the library to show her that my penis was in the Guinness Book of Records.

But the librarian told me to take it out!

My girlfriend asked me if I ever wake up grumpy.

I told her I usually just let her sleep in.

My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.

She's in charge of the hops.

A man and his girlfriend died in a car accident and meets Peter at the Pearly Gates

Peter says, "Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?"

To which the man replies, "Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?"

Peter says, "That's a good question, I will be back when I have the answer."

Left...

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During sex, my girlfriend yelled Hurt me! Hurt me!

So I said, “it’s a real shame Fluffy got run over by that car”

My girlfriend likes to roleplay

For the past three years she's been playing my ex-girl.

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I think my girlfriend left me because of my small dick.

She said she just wasn’t feeling it.

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's doorbell, holding a big bunch of flowers.

She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.

She lies back on the couch, pulls up her skirt, rips her knickers off and says "This is for the flowers."

"Don't be silly," says Paddy... "You must have a vase Somewhere!"

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She’s always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction. "Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I’m addicted to them." It’s really annoying.

So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, "Do you see that, honey?... Why can’t you be that skinny?

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight

I told her to keep her chins up

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

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My girlfriend got a boob job, but I don't know how to break it to her that I find it makes her less attractive

Traditionally women tend to get both done

I was in an unfortunate accident and my sperm became electrified

Came as a shock to my girlfriend

My girlfriend with kleptomania is no joke.

She takes everything, seriously.

My girlfriend says she is having the worst period ever.

I respond with “Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?”

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”.

I saw it coming from a kilometre away.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am a compulsive gambler

Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back

My girlfriend has a fetish for LEGO

If you build it, she will come

My girlfriend came home to a clean house today.

Girlfriend: Cleaning lady came today?

Me: Yeah. I thought she was just breathing hard, but she actually came.

She took 10 seconds to realize what I was saying then she smacks me on the chest.

My girlfriend asked me which one of her friends I'd want to have a threesome with...

Apparently the right answer wasn't "Wait, you have friends?"

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Jack is dating this girl Paula

He takes her out five times before he finally gets her back up to his apartment for coffee. They're fooling around on the couch, they move to the bedroom, and they have sex.

After it's done, Paula glances over at the nightstand and sees the box of Trojans. It's a 12-pack, but there are only ...

My girlfriend's really mad at me. I tried to seduce her mother.

It didn't help.

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Split up with my lying, cheating, thieving girlfriend last month and it's been nothing but Happy Days since.

The bitch took all my other box-sets.

My girlfriend just told me, “If we don’t get married soon, I’m going to kill you!”

I said, “I guess..it’s a matter of wife or death.”

My girlfriend is not talking to me because of my obsession with Björk.

Its oh so quiet.

After I broke up with my short girlfriend, she started a YouTube channel dedicated to trashing me.

I said "well that's a little ex stream"

My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was...

I told her it was the dude from Sesame street

She said, "He doesn't count."

I said, "Oh I assure you, he does."

(obligatory cake day joke)

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A man was having a pee at a urinal in Jamaica when a local man joined him..

"What is that tattoo you have on your penis?" Says the local man

"Oh, it says WY now because it was the name of my ex girlfriend, Wendy, so when I get an erection it says her name.." says the man.

"Take a look at this" the Jamaican shows the man his penis, also having WY on his penis.....

My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday.

I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.

I told my girlfriend she painted her eyebrows on too high...

She looked surprised!

My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my obsession of becoming a news anchor.

My girlfriend poked me in the eyes...

So unfortunately I stopped seeing her for a while.

Hey Siri! My girlfriend broke up with me.

Oh no, I’m so sorry! Do you want a joke to cheer you up?

Sure.

What is the difference between you and a calendar?

What?

The calendar has dates.

Authenticity for lonely people

So I broke down and called a hooker who advertised "real girlfriend experience". She came in without knocking, told me I was a slob, nagged me to take out the garbage, said I was a loser with no future and criticized me for playing video games for hours. Accused me of cheating on her, ate all my foo...

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My jokes are like orgasms

My girlfriend doesn't get them

I think my family is racist

I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

My jokes are like my girlfriends.

Quantity over quality.

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.” I grunted...

"Just ignore them!”

My girlfriend said we should split up.

When I asked why, she responded “I’m just not in a good state right now” so I responded, “Utah?”

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?

Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird

What do a boxer and Dracula’s girlfriend have in common?

They both go down for the count

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high-school reunion...

And I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober sinc...

I went to my girlfriends father and asked for her hand

He asked me “Why do want it” and I said “Because I’m tired of using my own”

My girlfriend is like √-100 ....

a 10, but imaginary.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she said I referenced video games too much.

That's such a ridiculous reason to Fallout 4.

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.

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The Green Dickie!

A nymphomaniac just couldn't get enough pleasure. Not from any man, nor any of the many toys she had collected over the years.

One day, while having coffee with a girlfriend, she told her friend about this problem. Her friend knew exactly what she needed, and gave her the name of a ...

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I told my therapist I'm afraid my girlfriend will cheat on me because I'm not that good in bed

He said "We have to work on your thrust issues"

My girlfriend keeps making fun of me because I’m French.

I give up.

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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

Went to the restaurant.

Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.

The Waiter said, I am sorry sir but we are so busy tonight.

Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.

He said well take these drinks to table. 10.

- Grandpa lived to be 108 years old

He used to smoke at least three very expensive cigars a day, drink only the best scotch, cognac and wine, ate only seafood we had to bring from certifiably high quality places and entertained two or three girlfriends at a time

- Wow! And why did he die?

- We had to kill him. He was too...

I am going to meet my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her dad is a policeman. She ask me to bring something to impress her dad.

So I brought in 2 suspects

Thanks to Daylight Savings Time . . .

My girlfriend thinks I lasted an hour and two minutes.

I accidentally sent my ex-girlfriend flowers over the internet.

Whoops, e-daises.

How do you get over an old girlfriend?

Get under a new one

I invited my girlfriend to the gym the other day. She didn’t turn up.

We just aren’t working out.

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I went to Japan alone and visited a temple

I went to Japan alone and visited a temple that everyone says miracles could happen after prayers.

Once arrived, I opened my wallet, and poured all my money into the offering box and prayed,
"God, I want a girlfriend, it would be great if she's from Japan, and she likes anime l...

What is the difference between my ex girlfriend and a hockey player?

The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

when my girlfriend got pregnant everything changed

My name , my address, my phone number..

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates

They will kill your dog

My girlfriend asked for something long and hard for her birthday.

So I got her a Chess set.

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me,

because she calls me her sixty-second lover.

What does my girlfriend like to listen during her periods?

Spotify

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A man loved his girlfriend Wendy so much

that he tatooed her name along the side of his erect penis. But when soft, you could only see the WY.

One day in an airport restroom, he noticed a man at the next urinal with a noticeable WY on his member. The first man stretched his penis out and said "hey, you must have a girlfriend named...

Every morning this week my girlfriend and I have been getting all hot and sweaty in the shower.

Cold handle's broken. Plumber'll be here Tuesday.

I think my ex girlfriend fell into poverty since we broke up.

Every time I call her, she says, “Please leave me a loan.”

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A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I have a problem"

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday, and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need three Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says "You know, taking Viagra three nights in a row can be very dangerous. I will give them to you on the condi...

A psychologist visits an engineer in his hospital bed

The guy had just jumped off a bridge. The psychologist says, "Hey there Ahmed, I'm Dr. Adams, how you feeling today?" And the engineer replies, "In pain, but lucky to be alive, I guess."

Dr. Adams wants to help, so she asks the engineer about his life. The engineer tells her he came from Liby...

What do you call a new-zealander with multiple girlfriends?

A shepherd

My ex-girlfriend reminds me so much of Rapunzel...

Except Rapunzel lets her hair down while my ex lets everyone else in her life down

I wish that there was a restaurant named “I don't care,”

so I'd finally know where my girlfriend was talking about.

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My girlfriend did a lie detector test.

"According to the results," said the conductor, "your girlfriend has been unfaithful."

I paused for a moment, then said, "Just how reliable are these results?"

"Extremely," he replied. "She gave me a blowjob in the car park earlier."

My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and said I shouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet

I told her I don't have to put up with this, not when there are desperate single milfs less than a mile away

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I have a new girlfriend

I should be happy because i have a new girlfriend. The Problem is that she has the same name as my sister.
Everytime we have sex now, i have to think of my girlfriend.

So I bought myself and my girlfriend walkie talkies

Gf: “You’re too childish, this isn’t working and it’s over”

Me: “Sorry, this isn’t working and it’s what? Over“

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

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Mick buys himself a Harley Davidson…

Before he rides off on it, the dealer tells him that if it rains he should put vaseline on all of the chrome parts to preserve the look.

Mick takes his girlfriend to her parents’ house for dinner on the Harley. When they arrive, his girlfriend says that they do not speak at the dinner table d...

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

I filled my inflatable girlfriend up with helium.

Now she's playing hard to get.

George found Tim, lying beside the road after a car accident. Tim was crying hysterically. George stopped and ran to him.

"Tim! Are you all right?"
Sobbing, Tim moaned,
"Look at my new car!" pointing to it, wrapped around a tree.
"Hey, man. Don't cry. You can always get another car."
"But look inside the car."
George did and said,
"Aw, dude, that's terrible. But don't cry!
You can always get...

Leonardo DiCaprio: "Hold my beer."

Leo's girlfriend: "But I'll get arrested."

My girlfriend didn’t believe me, I could make a car of out spaghetti

You should of seen her face when I drove straight pasta

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The depressed clown, Pagliacci, visits a therapist incognito.

He spends the hour talking about his depression. Nothing seems worth it anymore. He can’t smile at all. He has no wife or girlfriend to share his life with. Children’s smiles don’t make him happy anymore. His loving little dog doesn’t make him happy. He is at the end of his rope.

Therapist: “...

My Girlfriend Said I Talked To Ghosts

She said I was a medium

My English teacher girlfriend just broke up with me.

She wasn’t happy with my improper use of the colon.

My girlfriend told me to put tomato sauce on the shopping list, so I did.

Now I can’t read it..

Who is cheating?

A recent study showed that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.

• ⁠

Now I've just got to figure out if it's my girlfriend or my wife.

My last girlfriend choked to death.

It was a terrible blow.

I'm getting my girlfriend a prosthetic leg for Xmas

It's just a stocking filler.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfoun...

My girlfriend apologised for not giving me an erection

I told her there were no hard feelings

My girlfriend txt me that when I got home she wanted me to give her something long and hard.

Where am I going to find a 12 page algebra exam at this time of night?

When the paramedics asked if I knew my injured ex-girlfriend’s blood type, I gave them the wrong one.

Now she’ll get to know what rejection feels like

I once told my dad

that I had an imaginary girlfriend.

My dad sighed and said, “You know, you could do better.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I said.

My dad shook his head and said, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

I'm in an age gap relationship.

I'm 40, she's 19.

Anyway, we went out for a meal, as soon as we walked in the restaurant people shot me dirty looks, then the whispering started "nonce", "pervert" "paedo.

My girlfriend got upset and we left.

Completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

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My girlfriend keeps moaning about how little room there is in the wardrobe and I wish she'd shut the fuck up.

The wife might find her.

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A man takes his wheelchair-bound girlfriend down to the riverbank

After laying on the grass and talking, he asks: "have you ever been cuddled"?
"no" she smiles, and they cuddle.
Twenty minutes later, he asks: "have you ever been snogged?"
Again, she smiles, "no", and they passionately kiss.
It's going well and trying his luck, he whispers: "have you...

My girlfriend has a seashell tattooed on her inner thigh

And when you put your ear on it, you can smell the ocean.

My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me.

I guess that's just one more thing she has in common with my wife.

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My blind girlfriend said I had a huge penis

Sadly she was just pulling my leg

My girlfriend is so loud and bulimic….

I’m always telling her to “keep it down”

I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for years now

But so far nobody's agreed to do it.

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When we were in high school,

my girlfriend and I were “making out” on her parents’ couch in the basement. She whispered in my ear, “Do you want to take this upstairs?”

Somewhat surprised, I answered, “Sure, you grab one end and I’ll grab the other—this thing weighs a ton.”

Never saw her again.

A balding white haired man walked into a jewelry store...

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger lady at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, "No, I'd ...

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused...

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My girlfriend just dumped me.

She said in a teary tirade:

“I can’t take your shit any more. You’re such a pedant. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”

She was a...

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I was browsing the internet.

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

My girlfriend said to me "Are you even listening to me?!"

Strange way to start a conversation.

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I ...

Why doesn't the mathematician get a new girlfriend?

He keeps thinking about his X and Y's

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I took my Japanese girlfriend to meet my nana

My girlfriend excitedly greeted her by saying, "It is so nice to finally meet you seven!"

My girlfriend was telling me about an innuendo contest.

So I entered her.

True love

A few days ago I called my girlfriend using my friend's phone. She picked the call and said "HI BABY".
She knows it's me even when I didn't speak. True love exists…

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

My girlfriend said she's a big fan of horoscopes. You know what that makes me?

Single.

had an old Catholic girlfriend try and talk to me the other day...

Call that "excommunication"

My girlfriend forgot my birthday.

"I lost track of days," she explained. "I blame my period."

"Oh c'mon," I scoffed, "how can you blame your period?"

And she responded, "Because during that time of the month, one day bleeds into the next."

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I think every man at some point has tucked his penis between his legs and pretended he has a vagina.

I just wish I'd known that my girlfriend was doing it for the first six months of our relationship.

I’ve lost seven pounds this week…

or, as my girlfriend calls it, ‘the baby’.

I dumped my last girlfriend because she was a communist.

I should've known sooner. There were red flags everywhere.

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I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

My girlfriend asked me about my foreplay technique.

She asked why I always start with her nipple.

I told her I like to get straight to the point.

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Four Wishes of Every Man

May you be as handsome as your mother thinks you are;

As rich as your kids think you are,

Have as many girlfriends as your wife thinks she has, and

Be in good in bed as you think you are.

It's Valentine's day! I proposed to my high school girlfriend and best friend ever!

The two of them are out in the parking lot right now having a slapfight.

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Condom question

A girl is talking to her guy friend: "I found condoms in my boyfriend's jacket. We don't use condoms and when I confronted him, he told me he uses them to masturbate. Do you ever do that??"

"Sure", her guy friend replies.

"Really?? You masturbate into condoms??!"

"Oh", he respon...

My girlfriend asked me if I've seen the dog bowl..

I said "I didn't even know he could."

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