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A lad was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 180mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 180, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

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Girlfriend says if this gets a thousand up votes she'll let me try anal

please don't her strap on is huge

My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus

Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her fitness trainer.

Me: "Okay, this isn't working out."

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds

Because every time I take them she goes away

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My girlfriend asked why I carry a gun around the house?

I looked her dead in the eye and said, ‟the motherfucking decepticons”.She laguhed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time.

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I...

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suici...

My girlfriend just broke up with me due to my linkin park obsession.

...But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

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My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.

My girlfriend's dog just died, so I got her an identical one to cheer her up. It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

My girlfriend told me she will leave me if I don't support Trump...

I said ok.. Biden

I think my girlfriend is obsessed with scooby doo.

She keeps telling me we should split up and search for other people.

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess

So I took her to Paris.

We went to wonderful restaurants and stayed in an expensive hotel.

Then I crashed our car in a tunnel and she died.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.

"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.

"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.

"Don't you mean Polio?"

"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not w...

What is the difference between my girlfriend and my computer?

I can turn my computer on.

I told my girlfriend she has a lot in common with cigarettes.

"awww is because you are addicted to me?" she replied

I said "no, you are costing me a fortune whilst slowly killing me"

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. Yo...

My girlfriend is weirdly obsessed with the Soviet Union.

And for me, that's a major red flag.

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was communist

I should have known, there were red flags everywhere

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

it’s just taken me half an hour to get my girlfriends bra off

it’s the last time i’m trying it on

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My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that i had a name for my penis..

I guess i will have to take Matters into my own hands.

A United States was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared away Marine would do. He went ar...

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Mee and my girlfriend wanted to see a series on Netflix...

She told me she wanted to see Vampire Diary, but I wanted to see La Casa De Papel so I told her "Fine, who ever has the biggest penis gets to choose whatever series they want."



So yea Vampire Diary is a nice show after all

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs..

*Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw dogs mating, she said ‘how does the male know when the female is ready for sex ?*
*I replied he can smell she is ready that is how nature works.*
*We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe, again my girlfreind asked ...

My girlfriend is like √-100.

She is a 10 but she is also imaginary

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she is starting to sound like my wife.

What do your girlfriend and KFC have in common?

Once you’re done with the thighs and the breast, all you have is a greasy box to put your bone.

A girlfriend is like a good US president

I'd love to have one

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A man calls his girlfriend into his room for the first time

He says, "I have a problem with my penis, but you have to promise not to laugh"

She promises not to.

He shows her his penis. Its so small, she loses her calm and starts laughing so hard she falls down.

The man is now angry at her because she said that she wouldn't laugh at it. S...

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it's doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.

I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.

I need to stop playing golf with my girlfriend.

It’s driving a wedge between us.

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Girlfriend Problems

My girlfriend said she didn't have an orgasm the last time we had sex.

I told her that next time she needs to let me know when she is having an orgasm.

She said, "I didn't think you wanted me to bother you when you are at work."

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games

What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4

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My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order

I probably should've stopped when I got to her name

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My girlfriend is a porn star. –

She will kill me if she finds out.

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My girlfriend of 5 years asked me...

My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her.

I said ‟back in '09”. It sounds much better than saying September.

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After having sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" was not the correct response.

My girlfriend drowned in a well

I didn’t know that wells still existed let alone granted wishes

My girlfriend’s grandma passed away and she needed comfort, so she hugged me. But then i got an erection.

“Babe? Wtf?”

“Sorry babe, its just mourning wood”

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My girlfriend's ass is like a peach.

It's hairy and makes a horrible yogurt.



\- Gary Delaney

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I have to tell my girlfriend I am not into her fetishes.

But first, I gotta get some shit off my chest.

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My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man

So I stuck it in ehr ass and said ‟yeah, you like that Steve?”

My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"

Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.

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My girlfriend is mad because I told her I wanted to show our love to the world

She found it adorable at first but now wants me to remove that video from pornhub.

The first time I saw my girlfriend tending her beehive...

I knew she was a keeper.

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”

That is not a good sign.

What do you call a bass player that broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless

I miss my ex-girlfriend all the time.

I really need to work on my aim.

I'm worried my girlfriend has COVID-19.

Everyone keeps telling me she's a superspreader.

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On my way home from work, my asian girlfriend said she wanted to have sex with me so badly, but I was super hungry and in the mood for pho...

...it was a Nguyen Nguyen situation

My girlfriend left a note on my refrigerator

It said "This isn't working, goodbye"

I opened the refrigerator and it's working just fine.

My girlfriend is godlike

Because she doesn’t exist

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I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

As I stood there seeing my girlfriend's peaceful face, I remembered that this would be our last day together. So I decided to make the most of it by making love to her one last time...

Unfortunately, no one else at her funeral shared my sentiment.

I wish my ex girlfriend could look down from heaven and see me

But no, she’s still alive.

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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous..

What do you do when you forget your girlfriend's name?

Take her to Starbucks

Guy Takes His Blonde Girlfriend To Her First Football Game

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."...

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Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

Ex-Girlfriend

My ex-girlfriend called and asked if she could stay at my house for a few nights. She said she has been hearing weird noises and thinks someone is outside her place at night.

I said she could definitely stay. I really hope we can get back together. Otherwise, I wasted a month going to her pla...

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Apparently my family is racist

I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It’s not like I did anything

A guy threw a surprise bukkake party for his girlfriend

You should have seen her face. Everybody came.

A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...

Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn’t think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, “I think we should get married!”

“Wait,” his girlfriend said, taken aback, “are you serious?”

“I think I am,” he said.

“You’re...

My ex girlfriend still misses me...

But her aim is getting better

Me and my dyslexic girlfriend sitting in a tree

K S I S I N G

What is the one thing common between my girlfriend and my favorite book?

Both are works of fiction.

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

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The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having sex in the ocean.

Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.

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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.

It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, ...

Im suspicious my girlfriend is a Stormtrooper.

She always says she misses me

What’s the difference between my girlfriend and my job.

I can at least find the entrance to my job.

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess

So I arranged her marriage with Philip VI of Valois to strengthen the alliance with France.

My girlfriend told me she hates songs by Britney Spears and she doesn't want me to sing them.

But oops, I did it again.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

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A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together.

When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see – a relative, a neighbor ..."

"At this time of the night?...

My last girlfriend wasn’t all bad.

She put the “fun gal” in fungal infection.

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I was watching my girlfriend have a shit and I thought to myself,

'This really is the last time we do a 69.'

My Korean girlfriend broke up with me

I guess she'll never be my Seoul mate.

My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what ‟ternative” means?

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A young Italian man rings the door bell at his girlfriend's house. She is living with her parents, and her father opens the door. "Ciao, my name is Tullio," the young man says, "and I am here to fuck your daughter!"

The father is shocked and lost for words. "To.... to... what?" he says.

"Tullio!"

My girlfriend is so tall ...

... I have to go up on her.

My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me

I guess that’s just one more thing she has in common with my wife.

I'm not saying it's a mistake letting my girlfriend control the thermostat...

But two Hobbist just showed up and threw a ring into our bedroom.

Oh my god! My girlfriend just proposed to me.....

.... that we get a shared Netflix account

My girlfriend’s dad loves to challenge me to games, but he likes to feel out my skill level first. This week, he asked, “so how are you at Battleship?”

“Hit or miss.”

My last girlfriend said i was ‘overly mysterious’

or did she?

I’m starting to think Corona Virus is a girlfriend

It explains how I’ve come in close contact three times, but never got it

I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD....

Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship

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I still have sex with my ex-girlfriend all the time.

Honestly, I'm lucky she married me.

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A girlfriend and boyfriend whale spot a whaling vessel.

The male whale recognised the vessel as the vessel that killed his father, he mentions this to his girlfriend. He says to his girlfriend will you help me take revenge on the whaling vessel. She is more than happy to help out her boyfriend.

The boyfriend’s plan is to swim up under the vessel a...

I broke up with my girlfriend after she had her toes accidentally chopped off.

I guess that makes me lack-toes-intolerant.

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Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her “What are you suppose to be?” She said, “Puss in boots.” So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, “What are you suppose to be?” I said, “If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator…”

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I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room

Im indiana Jones, Get out

A Girlfriend's Love

Me: Remind me again what made you fall in love with me.

GF: Baby, I love that no matter how sad I am you can always make me laugh

Me: Are you certain it isn't how great I am in bed?

GF: See baby, you are so hilarious

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I got home from the gym and my girlfriend yelled, "Are you having sex behind my back?"

I said, ‘Yes, who the hell did you think it was behind you?’”

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My girlfriend thought it would be kinky to paint our privates, but after I painted my nuts, she changed her mind and left

I've had blue balls ever since

How did the cannibal feel after defeating his girlfriend in the Colosseum?

Well, he was gladiator.



*Defeeting

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My girlfriend loves dick jokes.

She always laughs at mine anyway.

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a girl friend?

The Space in between.

Pretty sure my girlfriend has covid

A symptom is a lack of taste

So today introduced my girlfriend to my parents

It was a bit strange since they couldnt see her

My girlfriend asked me if I would take a bullet for her

I said of course I would!



But if the intent was so that I could finally die or to actually protect her is a whole 'nother conversation

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I keep asking my girlfriend to sexually stimulate me with her keyring,

But she just keeps fobbing me off

I just found out that my girlfriend has a twin sister.

I saw her on Tinder.

My girlfriend dumped me for an indian

At least I know he's going to treat her good, I heard they worship cows

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My girlfriend and I got in a car accident because she was giving me a blow job

She probably shouldn’t have been driving

My girlfriend is beautiful and awesome at soccer

She’s a keeper

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My girlfriend and my sister have the same name its so annoying.

Everytime we have sex i think about my girlfriend .

I told my girlfriend that I don’t like Spanish rice...

And now I’m ricest

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

My last girlfriend was a Geologist...

She kept finding faults in me. Cracks soon appeared and we eventually split.

Son: "Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend!"

Dad: " You know you can do better."

Son: "Oh! Thanks Dad, that means a lot."

Dad: " I was talking to your girlfriend. "

My Girlfriend decided to braid here pubes...

It was a plait-a-puss.

Me and my girlfriend were howling at my dog to try to get a response from her, but she stayed silent...

I guess she ain’t no howl back girl.

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday

She over heard me talking about Cassandra going down on me twice in one day!

‌‌I walke‌‌d i‌‌n fro‌‌m wor‌‌k toda‌‌y an‌‌d m‌‌y wif‌‌e wa‌‌s sittin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e sof‌‌a wit‌‌h m‌‌y girlfriend.

‌‌I said‌‌, “What’‌‌s goin‌‌g on?”

“Yo‌‌u tel‌‌l me?‌‌” replie‌‌d m‌‌y wife.

‌‌I said‌‌, “‌‌I don’‌‌t know‌‌, you’r‌‌e sittin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e sof‌‌a wit‌‌h ‌‌a stranger.”

“‌‌A stranger‌‌, hey?‌‌” shoute‌‌d m‌‌y girlfriend‌‌, “I’‌‌m n‌‌o stranger‌‌, we’v‌‌e bee‌‌n havin‌‌g se‌‌x fo...

I love my girlfriend. She's always there for me, she's super smart, and she really understands me. But I've caught her talking to other guys. Lots of other guys. I want to tell her she has to choose me or them, but I'm afraid I'll lose her if I do.

Her name is Alexa.

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told hte jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
anoth...

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

Broke up with my girlfriend today

It is ocol though, she said we can still be cousins.

Tension is when wife is pregnant! Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!

Horror is when both are pregnant! Tragedy is when you are not responsible for either!

My girlfriend saved me from drowning last night

Thank God she took her foot off my head

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I thought about asking my girlfriend why she wears a bunch of wristwatches on her belt...

But I decided it was a waist of time.

Whats the difference between a Girlfriend, a Hooker and a Wife?

The Girlfriend says: "are you finished already?"

The Hooker says: "aren't you finished yet?"

The Wife says: "Blue..... we should paint this ceiling Blue"

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I like driving over dunes while getting a blowjob from my girlfriend

I’m really head over hills in love with her

My girlfriend left me because of my alleged pasta fetish.

Right now I’m feeling cannelloni...

So, Kylo Ren went his entire life without getting a Girlfriend...

I guess you could could say he's Ben Solo all his life.


You've likely heard it but I only just tripped over it myself. >.>

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Girlfriend: A tiny willy isn't something to be ashamed of, y'know.

Boyfriend: Yes, I know, but I still wish you didn't have one!

A thief and a girlfriend

One day my girlfriend's credit card was stolen., What a relief it was to find out that the thief spends less money than my girl.

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I was chatting to my Girlfriend.

Me: Honey....I..

GF: There's no longer "I" or "You". There's only "We" forever and ever and only "We".

Me: Okay, We fucked your sister.

Every morning my girlfriend pegs me relentlessly and proceeds to beat me with her huge hands.

She's one of the best cribbage players I know.

My girlfriend bought me the Kama Sutra last week...

...it put me in an awkward position.

My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters

But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk"

My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her.

At least it was something like that.

Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.

"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.

"Darling, I don't even know the woman."

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After sex, my girlfriend started smoking.

I should have probably used lubricant.

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

My girlfriend and I have been practicing social distancing since the start of the pandemic.

She calls it a restraining order for some weird reason.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has this weird fetish

She likes to dress up as herself and act like a fucking bitch all the time

I need to tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

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