When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive...

It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.

They were real people... I just imagined they were my friends.

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist

That kid didn't help at all.

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

In Russia, a man is driving with his wife and small child.

A policeman pulls the man over on suspicion of the man being drunk and gives him a breathalyzer test. “See,” the policeman says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the policeman to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invite...

Why can't two Chinese people have a caucasian child?

...Because two Wongs dont make a White

A man and a woman are having their firstborn child

Several hours after the baby is delivered the doctor rushes out to the waiting room where the man is and says “SIR WE’VE DISCOVERED YOUR BABY CAN FLY!!! Come quickly!!” The man, astonished by this news, rushes with the doctor to the room where his wife and child are. The doctor picks the baby up and...

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

A woman goes into labor with her child.....

The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father.

He asks if it's okay to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain of the father to 10%.

The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels noth...

As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated child.

But I’m planning to give it a shot.

As a child my parents used to tell me about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Santa

I dont believe in those stories anymore, thank GOD

As a child I always remember waiting deep into the night for Santa to come...

...then preparing for the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years lat...

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

I made up a joke about the birth of a child....

I'm working on the delivery!

My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child...

I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

What do you call a child who fell off the roof?

An ambulance.

A man took his 6-year-old daughter to his office on, "Take your child to work day" and as they walked around the office, the girl turned visibly upset and soon started crying…

Her father asked her what was wrong.

As everyone gathered around, she sobbed, "Daddy, I'm getting bored walking around the office. Please show me those clowns you said you work with."

If a child refuses to take a nap...

Is he resisting arrest?

As a child i was molested by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me.

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices:

take it or leave it.

What do you call a child's meal?

Childdish.

Why can’t 2 caucasians make an Asian child?

Because two whites don’t make Wong

If you name your child jkmn, what will he be called!

Noel.

If every child is a gift

Then a foster child is like the gift that keeps on regifting.
@ErikJMoyer

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 6 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

If you have a child, you can name them “one million subscribers on YouTube”

Then you can tell people you hit one million subscribers on YouTube

A good joke is like an unvaccinated child

It never gets old.

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

As a child I was traumatized by the priest

He was cheating on me

What do you call an anti-vaxer's child's terrible twos?

A midlife crisis

My wife and I were trying to have a child...

Turns out, his parents still want him

What did the comedian say when someone kidnapped his child?

"You stole my joke!"

As a child I hated going to weddings.

All the old aunts would grab my cheek and whisper in a conspiring voice "You're next."

They only stopped saying it when I began doing the same to them at funerals.

What did the murderer say to his child as he pointed his vacuum cleaner at him?

Dyson.

My mom always refused to tell me I was her favorite child, and insisted she didn't believe in choosing a favorite.

Which was really hurtful since I don't have any siblings.

A couple had their 1st child, and when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin.

The couple panicked and brought the child to a hospital.

Then after 2 years they had their 2nd child. And when he turned 5, The child swallowed a coin. The couple just gave him a laxative.

Then they had their 3rd child, And when he turned 5, The 3rd child swallowed a coin.

Cou...

I was my parents' least favorite child growing up.

I could tell, because I was the only one who didn't get molested.
@ErikJMoyer

I have to speak at my child’s school today

I suppose the old trick of picturing the audience naked if I get nervous doesn’t apply here.

What do you give an armless child for Christmas?

Nothing, he wouldn't be able to open it anyways

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

I was raised as an only child...

which really annoyed my sister.

What do call it when your child teaches you something about the environment?

Instant Greta-fication.

At what age did the child go to the doctor?

Sicks

What's it called when an anti-vaxxer's child throws a temper tantrum?

Mid-life crisis

I lost an eye as a child when a large book fell from a shelf onto my face as I slept.

I hold no remorse though. Ironically the book that blinded me taught me the very path to justice that soothed my anger.

Good old bble.

How do you know when you're not a child anymore?

When the priest loses interest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is carrying our first child…

He’s 8, the lazy little fucker!

A Jewish child asks his father for $50

To which his father replied: "Forty dollars? What in the world do you need thirty dollars for?"

Why does a child get to speak in front of the UN?

Or be president, for that matter.

TIL when China ended the one-child policy in 2015 there was actually a significant rise in adolescent euthanasia.

Sorry, youth in Asia.

SO said the new grandkids were coming to visit for the first time! I spent three days child-proofing the house..

They still got in.

A dad picked up his child from school...

On the way home , the child asked : "Dad , what does drunk mean ? "

The father responded : " Well , see the 2 cars in front of us , a drunk man would see 4 cars . "

The kid responded : " But dad , there's only one car in front of us . "

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

After playing on the jungle gym for a few hours, a tired child walks into a bar.

He really should have looked where he was going.

You want my impression of a child environmentalist

How dare you

What's the difference between a thunderstorm and a child being spanked?

One pours with rain, and the other roars with pain.

why are child predators good people?

they drive slow in the school zone

A child asked his mother when you got pregnant with me, did you want a boy or girl?

Nether, I wanted the remote under the Couch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw an article about a woman who tried to sell her kid on eBay. You shouldn’t sell your child on eBay. That’s something YOU made.

That shit goes on Etsy

A mother ghost was putting it's child ghost to bed...

Mother: "I love you~"

Child: "I love you boo~"

Mother: "I love you more~"

Child: "I love you the GHOST~!"

A child asks his father were he was born

The father replies: "the highway"

The son asks why and the the father replies: "that's where all the accidents occur."

Turns out a vasectomy doesn't necessarily stop you having a child.

It just changed the colour.

A cop pulls over a car with two priests.

The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

I saw an attractive man spank his child after the child threw his fries

I then saw an old lady walk up to them and drop her fries

In the Best Interest of the Child...

Miami, FL (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Miami courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custo...

A child asked his father

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW.. Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
...

My wife and child left me due to my horse racing addiction

Aaaand they're off

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a young child I was blessed with an 8 inch penis.

Unfortunately it belonged to Father O'Mallory.

Child: Dad, I'm so happy, I got a B in reading!

Dad: That's a D you idiot!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on the bus the other day when this young attractive woman started to breastfeed her child. An elderly woman got up and protested saying it was the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen and would complain to the bus company...

In hindsight, I really shouldn't have been wanking at the time...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the Unvaccinated Child cross the Road?

By a Hearse.

What do you call a great great grandparent who had a child with a blood relative?

A incestor.


--*Sorry grammar, not my mother thongue*

My friend and his wife had a party to celebrate the premature birth of his child.

I arrived too early.

If you're scared of child molesters...

grow up

Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soo...

An antivaxxer, a child murderer, and a bioterrorist walk into a bar.

*walks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.

"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.

A couple is trying to have a kid

they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on.

After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks a...

It takes a village to raise a child

It takes a Viking to raze a village

You can’t fool an aborted child...

...he wasn’t born yesterday

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Looks like there have been a trend of divorcing and marrying again after having a child in the 90`s

Because this is the only explanation of such an amount of step brothers and sisters I see on Pornhub.

I still remember what my mother said to me when I wet the bed as a child.

Urine trouble.

At the playground I asked a man which child was his

He smiled and replied that he hadn’t decided yet

My child is becoming addicted to water slides

I’m afraid she’s going down a slippery slope..

Having a fourth child is like you're drowning...

...and then someone hands you a baby.


Credit: Jim Gaffigan

After the birth of our first child my wife was worried that she'd be a bit "loose" .

I tried to reassure her but ended up putting my foot in it.

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi.”

Child: When I grow up I want to be a socialist

Parent: You can’t do both

What does an anti vaxxer child say at a school shooting?

"No shots for me, please."

As a mom was bribing her child with an ice cream cone to behave, she sighs,

“Why can’t you be good-for-nothing like your dad?”

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero...

The invisible man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

What did the Muslim child say to his mother after it had been caught stealing the second time?

"Look mom, no hands."

A curious child asked his mother:

“Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”


The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours does turn one of my hair grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her he...

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child)

Eclipse it.

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

Before going to bed, a little child asks his dad a question.

"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'"?

The dad responds, saying "No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise...'"

My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.

A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him.

\-"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked.

\-"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!"

\-"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?"

\-"Well,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

My wife said I was acting like a child

I told her to get out of my fort.

If everyone is a child of God...

...then Jesus isn't all that special, really.


It's a joke. Please don't be offended.

You shouldn't vaccinate your kids, it's to expensive and risky, and could kill your child

You should have a doctor do it.

I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child

and you know what? It works.

A blind clown is asked to perform at a children’s hospital. He is led into the amputee ward and begins with some jokes, but not one child laughs.

“A song, perhaps,” he thinks. “That’ll cheer ‘em up!”
“Ifffffff you’re happy and you know it....”

A Make-a-Wish child wanted to know, if his favorite TV show was staged or real. The producers told him that he will need to wait for a little longer.

Now he's dying to know the truth.

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

The Doctor asks the patient: "Does your head hurt?"

Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."

Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"

Over 500 children have had their last request granted by John Cena for the Make-a-Wish foundation. That’s because anytime a child ask to see John Cena all they have to say is,

“You Can’t.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together

That would be one stone, gold motherfucker

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child

Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki

My wife wanted to name our child Lever, and while I convinced her otherwise, I didn’t really like the other name she chose either, but oh well,

Better Nate than Lever

When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point.

She was shocked I wasn’t a period.

What would a Communist parent say to her child who refuses to disclose his bad grades to her?

Quit Stalin and show me your Marx!

What do you call a club for child molesters

Prison

A child asked his mom what dark humour was. She said “You see that man in the wheelchair? Ask him to do stand-up comedy.”

The child answered “But mom, I’m blind!”

Can a woman have a child in her 70s?

No, children are zero when born silly!

An old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and he said, ‘Things are great and I’ve never felt better.’

I now have a young bride who is pregnant with my child.

“So what do you think about that Doc?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and  then began to tell a story....

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