What did the librarian say to the child?

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A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

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A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

Before going to bed, a little child asks his dad a question.

"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'"?

The dad responds, saying "No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise...'"

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

My wife wanted to name our child Lever, and while I convinced her otherwise, I didn’t really like the other name she chose either, but oh well,

Better Nate than Lever

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

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I was raised as an only child

that really pissed off my brother

My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.

A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him.

\-"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked.

\-"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!"

\-"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?"

\-"Well,...

Did you know a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

A blind clown is asked to perform at a children’s hospital. He is led into the amputee ward and begins with some jokes, but not one child laughs.

“A song, perhaps,” he thinks. “That’ll cheer ‘em up!”
“Ifffffff you’re happy and you know it....”

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NSFW.. Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
...

As a child my priest traumatized me.

He cheated on me with another altar boy.

A poor Mexican family is having a child.

Too poor to have an ultrasound or checkup for their baby, they know nothing about the child, not even it's gender.

The day finally came, but she encountered an unexpected turn of events. Instead of giving birth to one child, she unknowingly had identical twins. Knowing they couldn't support t...

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child

But the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of edu...

Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?

This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.

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I tried to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi.”

Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soo...

A woman lost custody of her child today after injecting her 9-year old with Botox to win a beauty pageant

Needless to say, the child didn't look surprised.

A child walks up to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

The father answers: "See those 4 trees over there, son? An alcoholic would see 8".

And the son replied: "But dad, there are only 2 trees".

And the mother: "Why are you guys staring at a tree?"

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child)

Eclipse it.

You know what really brings the child out of someone?

An abortion.

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My child asked me if “hell” was a bad word

I explained that yes, hell was a bad word and that he should never say it.

He then asks “is hello a bad word?” I then have to explain to him how hell and hello are completely separate words with separate meanings.

The next day I get a call from his teacher, demanding to know why he won...

I don’t vaccinate my child.

That would be extremely irresponsible. I pay a medical professional to vaccinate him.

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

My backpack is like a small child

You pay 20 bucks for it and it carries your stuff around

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child

Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki

I told my wife I want to give our fifth child a Chinese name, she asked "why?"

I said "because one in five kids are Chinese".

Treat your phone like you treat your child

With respect

Can a woman have a child in her 70s?

No, children are zero when born silly!

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What is a homophobic child's worst nightmare?

A monster coming out of the closet!

A doctor, a priest, and a child are on a plane that is crashing down.

There are only two parachutes.

The doctor said "I'm going to have to take one. My work is saving lives and I'm on the verge of a medical discovery." He grabs a bag and jumps out.

The priest looked at the child. "Son. I have lived a wholesome life. I have took the high road and have le...

What do you call a temper tantrum of the child of an anti-vaxxer?

A midlife crisis.

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I was so pissed off when I had to buy a $400 plane ticket for my child.

The craigslist ad said the price included postage.

What do you call a child with Iodine deficiency?

Chld.

A Jewish man once sent his child to Jerusalem.

To his surprise, the child came back converted to christianism.

He complained about it to his friend, who told him, in shock :

\- You know what, that's weird ! The exact same thing happened to me !

Seeking answers, they went to see the local rabbi.

\- Rabbi, we sent ou...

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A kid gets on the bus and sits right behind the driver every day.

After getting seated the child would play a game. He would always think of a new animal and say
"if my mommy was a shark and my daddy was a shark, I would be a little shark"
"If my mommy was a lizard and my daddy was a lizard, i would be a little lizard!"

He would keep going until he d...

My child is so spoiled, I got him a trampoline for Christmas.

Instead of using it he just cried in his wheelchair.

What do you call a Mexican child molester?

A Pedrophile

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Me:What's the difference between a child and a prostitute

Friend: I don't know

Me: You sick bastard

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Once at a gig, Bono stopped everything and asked the crowd for complete silence. He started slowly clapping his hands and he said “every time I clap my hands, a starving child in Africa dies....”

....and then one man in the crowd shouted “well then stop clapping your hands then you cunt!”

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People who are against child labour...

...really just need to grow the fuck up.

When I was a child, I had a cat.

I went away to Summer Camp, and while I was gone my cat died. My dad didn’t want to upset me, so he told me that the cat went to live with my mom. Needless to say, I was heartbroken, but I soon learned that my dad lied to me because I was digging around in the backyard a few days later and found my ...

A Canadian and an Australian had a child

It’s first words: Good eh

An autistic child first time going to school

So first time posting here. It is my favorite joke and I have never seen it posted. It is better with some gesture and noise but I'll try anyway, I'll do my best to translate it in English. (sorry if my English isn't perfect but I have to share this masterpiece)


A mother tell her autisti...

A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”


“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will ...

A man was in the hospital carrying his one hour old child

A man was in the hospital carrying his one hour old baby boy, when he saw another dad carrying a baby as well. Curious, he walked up and asked about the baby, finding out that the baby girl had been born just 30 minutes ago. "Well imagine if they got married", the man said jokingly to the other.
...

I only knock up antivaxxers.

Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.

An old man marries a younger woman and they decide to have a child.

After months of unsuccessfully trying to conceive, the man goes to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor hands him a sample cup and tells him, “Take this home, fill it up, and bring it back in tomorrow.”

The next day, the man walks in with the sample cup still empty and hands it ...

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero

The Invisible Man

What do you give an armless child for Christmas?

Nothing, he wouldn’t be able to open it anyways.

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Curious child

There was family reunion one day and the mom and dad were preparing for it.

The kid went to the kitchen where his mom was cutting the turkey.

She accidentally cuts her finger and screamed "Fuck!"

Kid: what does "fuck" mean?

Mom: o-oh it means "cut" hah ha...

so ...

Never thought i could care about another human being until i had a child.

Now im 100% certain i cant.

Robbie: Larry’s mother had four children. Three were named North, South and West. What was her other child’s name?

**Bobbie:** East?

**Robbie:** No. Larry.

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

A kid with cancer and a child with anti-vaxxer parents walk into a bar.

"Sorry kids, no minors here", said St. Peter after seeing them enter.

What does a child get when they fall out of a tree?

PTS-Tree

When I was young, I remember my mom constantly reminding everyone at dinner that she didn’t have a favourite child.

Harsh, given that I’m her only kid.

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An airplane is about to crash with only 5 parachutes on board.

A doctor says, “Save the women.”

A young mother says, “No, save the children.”

A lawyer says, “Fuck the children.”

A priest asks, “Do we have time?”

A child who is critically ill is taken under the Make-A-Wish foundation

Her first wish is to meet Captain America and Thor so Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth arrive at the hospital.

After a long meeting session, the two of them ask her what her next wish is.

"I want to meet Iron Man now"

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

Unfortunately, I lost my job at the aquarium.

How do anti-vaxers celebrate their child’s first birthday?

By putting flowers on their grave.

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A young Indian boy and his father are sitting in a teepee. The child asks his father,”Father, how did you decide what to name me and my brothers?”

His father replies,”Well son, as soon as you are born, I hold you in my arms and we walk outside to show you our land. When your eldest brother was born, I see a majestic soaring eagle, so I name him ‘Soaring Eagle’. I took your second brother and we saw a herd of bison, hence the name ‘Brave Bison’...

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said,

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

Dating a girl that has a child...

... it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".

I wanted to tell a joke about pubic hair to a unvaccinated child.

But i said he won‘t get it anyway.

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How do you name your child in Alabama?

Putyour Dickinson.

A blonde is down on her luck...

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." S...

A 9 year old child was rummaging through his mother's makeup cabinet when he found a age reducing ointment...

The label mentioned that you will look 10 years younger. Not know what it was exactly, the child rubbed the ointment all over his body.

Hours later, the mother noticed the lack of noise and went to check on her child. To her dismay, she saw her makeup supplies scattered about, found her anti ...

All those people saying anti-vaxxers should be researching child sized coffins aren't considering both sides

they can also use urns

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If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together

That would be one stone, gold motherfucker

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The Avengers went to go and visit a child in the hospital on Friday.

The lucky kid gets to meet Stan Lee on Saturday.

What do you call a child born from incest

Gross domestic product

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I probably didn't help my case when I went to court for child molestation charges today, when the judge asked how 6-10 years sounded?

Sexy, I replied.

What’s the difference between starving a child and starving your cat?

Your cat is going to eat you!

A postman and his wife are expecting their first child.

The big day comes, and it's a healthy baby girl. The new parents are overjoyed, but it's a lot of work. Dad helps out in every way he can; changing diapers, keeping the house clean, prepping and cooking meals (always being sure to make something ahead for if Mom gets hungry when he's not home), etc....

Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 3 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

When I was a child I asked my dad for help with my science homework. I asked "dad, how do you make a hormone?" And he said...

"Don't pay her."

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A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

If a child refuses to sleep

Is he resisting a rest

What You Call A Unvaccinated Child On His 4th Birthday!!!

A Grave Mistake!

Dark humor is like a child with cancer

It doesn’t get old

As the child's dad goes to check up on him, the child says "Dad, I can't sleep"

Dad: "Why not?"

Kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

Dad: \[looks under bed\] "Oh my god... yes!"

Kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

I called the doctor "My wife is going into labor! What should I do?" "Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband."

What does a Italian child use to cut their pizza?

Little Caesar's

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

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What’s a punishment as a child but a reward as an adult?

Anal sex

Why would no one name their child Pollen?

There's a lot of stigma attached to it.

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An african child stands in front of a store

looking at stuffs behind the window. the shopman spots him and offers him a deal. he tells the kid if his dick is as larg as a xbox, he can take it for free. the kid takes his dick off and it's long enough. so he takes the Xbox and goes home. Next they the kid comes back to the store with his dad an...

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I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

Did you hear about the child who's parents gave him 10 names?

Did you hear about the child whose parents gave him 10 names? He struggled initially.

A woman was told to send a facsimile copy of their child’s medical records to a specialist when their child fell very ill.

She didn’t deliver, the child died, turns out she was anti-fax.

A random child is walking on the sidewalk. He stops, and beautifully sings, “A pore!”

Three years later, he is a star and is given an award. He gives a speech.
“Thank you, everyone. But mostly to my family. They told me we were going to Singapore, and I did. I just wonder why I’ve never seen them again...”

My SO and I discussed having a child..

but it turns out it's cheaper to buy a dishwasher.

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I’m a father of four and I spent the whole week child-proofing my house...

But for the little bastards keep getting in.

Why did the child cross the road?

I have no idea. I got him just in time.

My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up

I'm an only child :(

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a rare condition with my sight.

Umdiddlyumdiddlyumdiddly eye

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A fathers child just came home from school, his dad said “what did you learn today?” The son replied “We learned two words hypothetically and realistically but I’m not sure what they mean.” He said “go ask your mom and sister if they would sleep with a man for a million dollars.” They both said yes.

His Father said, “Hypothetically we have two million dollars, realistically we live with 2 whores.“

A child comes to a carnival on the night before his 14th birthday.

They go to the "I bet I can guess your age" booth. The man says, "13 years old."

"Aw, man. You got me." said the kid.

"Nice try.", the man said. "Come back next year."

"I will!" the kid said in response.

A few hours later, he comes back to the stand.

"I've seen you...

Did you know that all the employees of Thomas’ English Muffins are former embezzlers and child care workers?

They’re nothing but crooks and nannies

There’s a queen a king and a Mongolian slave Child in a hotel. How many people are there?

None the queen is a bed the king is also a bed and slaves are property.

Advantage of having childs from multiple husbands

A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids. The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet.

The waitress asks, "Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?"...

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

A child asks their parent, "What's an alcoholic?"

"Well", the parent says, "You see those two buses over there? An alcoholic would see four".

The child responds, "there's only one".

I saw a very attractive guy spank his child after he threw his fries on the ground

I also threw my fries on the ground.

A hunt for a missing 6-year old boy ended after 10 hours when the child was found sleeping in the trunk of his uncle's car.

It was a kidnapping.

Was at my neighbors house, and their 2 year old unvaccinated child would not stop crying.

Must have been a midlife crisis.

A kid and child molester are walking in the woods

A kid and a child molester are walking in the woods. As the sun is going down and it gets darker, the kod says, "It's getting kinda scary mister." He tells the kid, "I know. I'm the one that's gotta walk back alone."

Why did the child cross the playground?

Did you see? I'm already using my binoculars and I'm not allowed to get any closer.

A mother walrus is lecturing her child

wagging her flipper, she lectures "you shouldn't be selfish, after all it's walrUS, not walri.". The child walrus, thinking walrus was a Latin word, is naturally confused.

Why is a Jewish Jedi Master always an only child?

Because he has no Force-kin.

An employee is absent.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispere...

When's the best time to tell a child about death?

Before the second trimester.

What did the zoologist and herbologist name their child?

Tiger Woods

What's the difference between a man and a child?

The child can be left alone with the babysitter.

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A friend once asked what I would do if my child turned out to be a flat-earther and I was dumbfounded

Still amazed that there are dumb nuts out there who think the planet is round and shit.

I feed and clothe a child in Africa for 30 cents a day.

Ofcourse that's nothing compared to what it cost to send him there

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