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A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

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A rapist, priest, and child molester walk into a bar

He orders a drink

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My parents raised me as an only child

Which really pissed my brother off

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

Dark humour is like a child with cancer

It never gets old

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Hitler adopted a child

He's now a step-Fuhrer

When I was a child, I didn't like eating sprouts.

I told my mom I wasn't hungry.

She said:
the children in Africa would be happy with sprouts!

I replied:
and the moms in Africa would be happy with a child that's not hungry!

I'm going to name my first child a German name, "Etwas"...

...that's German for "Something".

That way, when people ask my child what his/her name means in English, they'll say, "It's German for 'something'".

I imagine the dialogue would go like this:

*"What's your name?"*

*"Etwas."*

*"What's the meaning of your name? Di...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

What was Beethoven's favorite game as a child?

Hayden seek.

One of my earliest memories as a child was getting to meet the pope,

It was a touching experience.

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...

...I think I’ve really improved the delivery!

(True Story: Today is baby number four, and this is basically the same lame joke I told/posted when our last child was born. Dad jokes 4TW!)

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In the morning, the mother wakes up the child "Come on, wake up, you know the quarantine is over and school starts again!"

"But, mom, why do I have to go? I hate school!"

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"One: all children hate me, two: all teachers hate me even more!"

"These are just excuses, get up once and for all!"

"But then YOU give me two reasons to go."

"One: you ...

Scientists discovered that brains of male parents irreversibly change after their first child was born

They become brain-dad

A child asked his dad," how are coins made".

The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press".

Then the child responded," That makes cents".

What’s the difference between outer space and a Palestinian child?

Less rockets were launched into space.

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Virgin Mary had just given birth to her child in a barn

The three wisemen are coming to visit and bring gifts. The first one walks into the barn and hands Mary a present. The second one does the same and Mary thanks them both. As the third one was trying to walk into the barn, he stubbed his toe on the doorframe and yelled "Jesus Christ!" to which Mary r...

As a child I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day to survive.

Luckily my older brother told me about it.

I get to open the time capsule I buried as a child tomorrow!

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy has gotten!

It takes more effort to order a pizza than have a child

Have you ever ordered a pizza by accident?

When I was a child, I really loved reading all the stuff about north pole, animals that inhabit it etc.

But it is not as cool as it used to be....

What was the Amish affair child called?

Amishtake.

Why did Elon Musk name his child X Æ A-12?

Because the username X Æ A-11 was already taken

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There is this child in 1st grade and he's doing poorly in school.

His dad is concerned and asked what he can do to help. The child tells his father "Dad, if you get me 2 pink ping pong balls, I'll get my grades up." The child gets 2 pink ping pong balls and gets his grades up and moves onto second grade.

In 2nd grade, he's not doing well again. He tells his...

An executive of a company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispering, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster, the boss asked," Is your daddy home?"

"Yes." whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult...

My mum always told me she didn’t have a favourite child.

Bit sad really. I’m an only child

As a child, I remember when my mum would tuck me in.

She always wanted a daughter.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b\*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b\*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don...

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When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.

After a while, my mum said, "Just use a fucking spoon, Steve. You're not a Jedi."

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

A child wasn't toilet trained yet.

Whenever he used to go out with his mother, he would always say, "Mom, I wanna pee!", "Mom, I wanna pee!" His mother would quickly take him to a public toilet or to the bushes or something, so that he stops saying that.

Now obviously the mother used to feel embarrassed, since everyone around ...

"Doc, can you vaccinate my child?"

"I guess I can give it a shot."

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time ...

Are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Elon Musk has just announced the name of his next child

8=D. It's pronounced Chode

What do we call a software engineer's unwanted child

A cum..pilation error

How do you stop a child from smoking?

Get it out of the oven in time.

A woman goes into labor with her child

The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father.

He asks if it is ok to use the new device.

The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%.

The man feels nothing.

They then bump it up to 20%.
...

Poll during COVID-19 pandemic finds 45% of husbands are doing the majority of homeschooling and child-caretaking.

2% of wives agree.

Whenever we had guests over, my wife would get embarrassed because I have the mind of a child.

In a jar. On the coffee table. (Credit to Stephen King for this one)

It was significantly more dangerous to go through child birth than to be in a car crash in the 1800s.

Mainly because they didn't have cars back then.

Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

Explaining to a child that we're mortal and death is inevitable

Is probably, for me, the hardest part of being a party clown

A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

Looking for "A__is like a__, it__." For example: A dark sense of humor is like a make-a-wish child...

....It never grows old.

If you have one, please share. Joke, not make-a-wish child.

As a child, I used to have two sets of summer vacation homework.

One that the school gave us, to be finished in the last few days of the vacation, and the other, that my father, ever so graciously, asked me to do every day of the vacation before he left for work. He used to ask me to memorise all the possible uses of articles, hundreds of idioms, similes, commonl...

A woman is giving birth to her child

And finally, after much effort and pain, the doctor manages to help deliver the baby. The Doctor then proceeds to chuck the baby out of the window.

W: "Why? Why did you do that to my poor baby, you monster?"

The Doctor laughs maniacally and replies "April Fool's! He was already dead."

I called my mother an elephant when I was a child

She never forgot

Its pretty easy to tell who my dad's favorite child is.

Mostly because I'm an only child.

I see now that not being hugged enough as a child was just preparing me....

....for social distancing.

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

What does an unvaccinated child and my joke have in common?

They both don’t make it past new.

A Child Asked To His Father....

"How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his ...

What do you call a child born from incest?

Gross Domestic Product

What does a Muslim child say after being caught stealing for the second time?

"Look mom, no hands."

My young child is feeling sick

Fortunately he's only showing minor symptoms

Expectant mothers of Reddit, name your child Gotham.

When they cry in the middle of the night you can turn to your SO and whisper on their ear 'Gotham needs you!' and they will get up.

My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.

I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

what do you call someone who molests child molesters?

An apex predator

As a child i was molested by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me.

Not vaccinating you child is great

You won't have to deal with your mistake for long

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

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Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

Priest: “What have you done my child?”

Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Girl: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No child of my will ever participate in the unholy art of race mixing.

If they want to do a triathlon, they will do three separate races like god intended

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Took a diamond ring to the jeweler for appraisal, but all he had was a child’s plastic magnifying glass. I had no choice but to give him a negative review on Yelp,

but I still felt bad that I knocked him for a loupe.

What did the librarian say to the child?

**Read More**

When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.

They were real people... I just imagined they were my friends.

What’s the difference between a drunk person and a child?

None— They both speak too freely, much to everyone else’s annoyance.

What does Thanos and a child with cancer have in common?

All of the avengers show up for their endgame.

Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”

“You see how horribly long your delays are? You should be ashamed!”

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years lat...

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.
The problem in contention was, who should have the possession of the child?

The man or the woman?

The woman jumped up and said "My Lord, I am the mother of the child, I brought her into this world, with pain and labour. I am entitl...

I know a tale about a priest and a child

It’s a very touching story

When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist

That kid didn't help at all.

[OC] What do you call the mum with the most kids in the world? Maximum. What do you call a mum with just 1 child? Minimum. What do you call a woman with no kids?

Optimum.

Happy mother's day!

What’s the difference between a child and an omelette?

Only one is made with a fertilized egg

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

As a parent, the worst thing about losing a child is...

having them find their way back home.

If abortion is such a mature subject,

why does it bring out people's inner child?

Take your child to work day

A man took his 8 year old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As he was walking her around, she started crying and getting very cranky, so he asked her what was wrong. As the coworkers gathered around, she sobbed and said, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"

A judge is hearing a child abuse case...

The mother was found guilty and the judge had decided that the boy would go to live with his estranged father.



But the boy quietly quivered 'Please don't'



'Why not?' The judge asked.



'Because he beats me too.'



'Oh my dear boy. Do you want t...

What happens when a mixologist stops paying his child support.

They’d start garnishing his wages.

My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child...

I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant, and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season, but one day, went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appea...

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Life Hack: Give your child a normal name.

Me: I'm guessing you're still pissed that we called you Life Hack...

Why can't two Chinese people have a caucasian child?

...Because two Wongs dont make a White

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

For the first time in human history, when a parent tells their child "stop touching yourself"...

...the parent is referring to the child's FACE.

We child-proofed our homes

But they are still getting in

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”

“Do...

If two red-heads have a child, it’s ginger-bred

this is the seventh time this joke has been posted here in seven years

Naming your favorite Beatle is like declaring your favorite child.

It's George.

In Russia, a man is driving with his wife and small child.

A policeman pulls the man over on suspicion of the man being drunk and gives him a breathalyzer test. “See,” the policeman says, “you are drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the policeman to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invite...

What do you call a loud child?

A minor annoyance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school...

Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and t...

Doctor, my child refuses to eat meat! What can I replace it with?

Doctor: A dog. Dogs eat meat.

No matter how kind your child is

German kids are always kinder.

When I was a child I was forced to work in a German sausage factory.

It was the wurst experience of my life.

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What do you give an armless child for Christmas?

Nothing, the little fucker wouldn't be able to open it anyway.

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water.

I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated child.

But I’m planning to give it a shot.

An elderly couple & a child

One day an elderly couple decided that wanted to have a child. The next week they went to the doctors and he told said, “You guys are older than most of my patients, although go ahead and take this sperm container and bring it back to me next week.” So the couple brought the container home, next wee...

A man and a woman are having their firstborn child

Several hours after the baby is delivered the doctor rushes out to the waiting room where the man is and says “SIR WE’VE DISCOVERED YOUR BABY CAN FLY!!! Come quickly!!” The man, astonished by this news, rushes with the doctor to the room where his wife and child are. The doctor picks the baby up and...

What do you call a parent who denies their child birth control?

Grandparent!

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 6 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

Why is it better to sleep with anti-vaxxers?

8 years of child support is better then 18 years of child support.

If you have a child, you can name them “one million subscribers on YouTube”

Then you can tell people you hit one million subscribers on YouTube

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

Anti-vax mother: "Doctor, I am not going to vaccinate my child. Should I take any precautions?"

Doctor: "Yes. Don't get too attached to him."

What do you call an Ethiopian child with a piece of cheddar?

A quarter-pounder with cheese

I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.

Edit: 3 children

Edit: 2

Edit: 1

I have a child in Africa that I feed

That I clothe

that I educate

That I inoculate

All for $5 a day


Which is a lot less than it cost to send him there

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does the scrotum of a catholic priest look like?

Stupid question, even a child knows that.

Why can’t 2 caucasians make an Asian child?

Because two whites don’t make Wong

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man steps into a confessional...

Forgive me father, for I have sinned!

Speak my child, tell me your sins.

Well you see, a lady asked me to help her out with moving her furniture, and then it started to rain, so she told me to stay, apparently she didn't want me to get wet. And so I stayed, and fucked her.

Go on...

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