A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

As a child i was molested by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me.

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat." "What does that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl went to the garage and asked "Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said,...

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Ah, this one got me good :D

What did the librarian say to the child?

**Read More**

An antivaxxer, a child murderer, and a bioterrorist walk into a bar.

*walks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on the bus the other day when this young attractive woman started to breastfeed her child. An elderly woman got up and protested saying it was the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen and would complain to the bus company...

In hindsight, I really shouldn't have been wanking at the time...

At the playground I asked a man which child was his

He smiled and replied that he hadn’t decided yet

Having a fourth child is like you're drowning...

...and then someone hands you a baby.


Credit: Jim Gaffigan

A child asked his father

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

My wife and child left me due to my horse racing addiction

Aaaand they're off

What did the Muslim child say to his mother after it had been caught stealing the second time?

"Look mom, no hands."

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

Child: When I grow up I want to be a socialist

Parent: You can’t do both

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

When I was a child, a man came out of nowhere and stole all my money

Now that I'm a rich man, I went back in time to take all my money from me as a child so he can't steal it!

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked.

"Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

I remember as a child my parents filling my head with nonsense such as the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and the Tooth Fairy.

Now I dont believe in any of that made up rubbish, thank God.

What would a Communist parent say to her child who refuses to disclose his bad grades to her?

Quit Stalin and show me your Marx!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi.”

My 11 year old Niece told me this joke today.

A dad is driving his three kids to school. The first kid asks, "Dad, why did you call me blossom?" The dad answered, "when you were born and we left the hospital, a leaf fell from a blossom tree. So we called you blossom."

The second kid then asks, "why did you call me Daisy?" The dad answere...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW.. Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
...

A child asked his mom what dark humour was. She said “You see that man in the wheelchair? Ask him to do stand-up comedy.”

The child answered “But mom, I’m blind!”

I've slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child

and you know what? It works.

If a priest molests a child...

Isn’t it just a clerical error?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.

"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.

A Make-a-Wish child wanted to know, if his favorite TV show was staged or real. The producers told him that he will need to wait for a little longer.

Now he's dying to know the truth.

“Mommy, why is Grandpa running in zigzags?”

“Don’t question it, child. Just reload.”

If everyone is a child of God...

...then Jesus isn't all that special, really.


It's a joke. Please don't be offended.

Before going to bed, a little child asks his dad a question.

"Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'"?

The dad responds, saying "No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise...'"

I'm letting my child watch old Looney Tunes and Hanna-Barbera cartoons to get ready to start school.

In the real world, everyone solves all their problems with a gun or a knife, too.

What to give an armless child for Christmas

Obviously nothing...they can’t open it

What do you call a support group for child epileptics?

Little Seizures

Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soo...

I finally understand why parents don’t want their kids to get vaccinated. It all comes down to fear. Fear that their child is

going to definitely end up smarter than them.

When I was a child, my mom’s nickname for me was Exclamation Point.

She was shocked I wasn’t a period.

Be careful when discussing child molestation.

It’s a touchy subject.

What's a child molester's favorite thing about Halloween?

Free Delivery!

What do you get when a mother doesn't want her child but her family is against abortion?

An anti vaxxer.

When you’re at the playground, you can always tell which child plays the trombone.

It’s the one that can’t swing and doesn’t know how to use the slide.

What did the catholic priest say to the child molester?

“Why am I talking to myself?”

Did you know a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic priest, a child molester, and a rapist walks into a bar

Then he orders a whiskey.

A blind clown is asked to perform at a children’s hospital. He is led into the amputee ward and begins with some jokes, but not one child laughs.

“A song, perhaps,” he thinks. “That’ll cheer ‘em up!”
“Ifffffff you’re happy and you know it....”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plastic surgeon at Johns Hopkins just performed surgery on a child born without eyelids, circumcising him and replaced the missing lids with the harvested tissue. The boy's new eyelids work almost perfectly and, since they were made from his own tissue, rejection won't be a problem.

When speaking to reporters, though, the surgeon admitted that the boy does look a little cockeyed.

Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?

This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.

A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him.

\-"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked.

\-"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!"

\-"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?"

\-"Well,...

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

Under regression hypnosis I revealed that I hurt my knee as a child.

Now I'm being charged with previous bodily harm :(



\[My first post on this sub, made the joke up last night. Be gentle! And US readers may not get it sorry.\]

My wife wanted to name our child Lever, and while I convinced her otherwise, I didn’t really like the other name she chose either, but oh well,

Better Nate than Lever

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child)

Eclipse it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was raised as an only child

that really pissed off my brother

What do you get when an hedgehog and a Snake make a child

Barbed wire

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Call me shallow, but a child left in the car in the summer with the windows up...

is so fucking hot!

What was Mark Zuckerberg's favourite game to play as a child?

iSpy.

Can a woman have a child in her 70s?

No, children are zero when born silly!

What's the difference between a child and a foster child?

The foster child comes with a return policy.

As a child my priest traumatized me.

He cheated on me with another altar boy.

The face of a child can say it all.

Especially the mouth part of the face.

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child

But the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of edu...

My trans child can’t see me.

It’s probably because I’m transparent.

A woman lost custody of her child today after injecting her 9-year old with Botox to win a beauty pageant

Needless to say, the child didn't look surprised.

A child walks up to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

The father answers: "See those 4 trees over there, son? An alcoholic would see 8".

And the son replied: "But dad, there are only 2 trees".

And the mother: "Why are you guys staring at a tree?"

What's the difference between a child and a hooker?

If you can't tell the difference, maybe you shouldn't be here.

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child

Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This child was having diarrhea and asked his mom for some viagra

Mom asks "What? Why would you want to take Viagra?" Her son says "Because daddy says it makes his shit hard"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My child asked me if “hell” was a bad word

I explained that yes, hell was a bad word and that he should never say it.

He then asks “is hello a bad word?” I then have to explain to him how hell and hello are completely separate words with separate meanings.

The next day I get a call from his teacher, demanding to know why he won...

When I was a kid the police came to the church to ask if anyone knew any child molesters.

The priests fingered me.

How many children do you need to paint a wall?

It depends on how hard you throw them.

Child

As a child:
'You are grounded. '

As an adult:
'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm. '

You know what really brings the child out of someone?

An abortion.

How do you stop children with thick curly black hair from jumping on the bed?

Put velcro on the ceiling.

I only knock up antivaxxers.

Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.

Parent buys an oversized raincoat for child

Child: But its too big

Parent: You'll grow into it

Child:

Parent:

Child: But I don't want to turn into a raincoat

What does an unvaccinated child and a dog have in common?

They both live about 9-12 years

I told my wife I want to give our fifth child a Chinese name, she asked "why?"

I said "because one in five kids are Chinese".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A child asks his very wise father. Dad, what does it mean to steal?

If you don't hurry your ass up they are going to catch us!!!

A doctor, a priest, and a child are on a plane that is crashing down.

There are only two parachutes.

The doctor said "I'm going to have to take one. My work is saving lives and I'm on the verge of a medical discovery." He grabs a bag and jumps out.

The priest looked at the child. "Son. I have lived a wholesome life. I have took the high road and have le...

What do you call a child that has been crushed by a piano?

A flat minor

What did the child say when an abacus saved his life?

I knew I could count on you.

What do you call a Spanish child molester?

A Pedrophile

I don’t vaccinate my child.

That would be extremely irresponsible. I pay a medical professional to vaccinate him.

Treat your phone like you treat your child

With respect

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

What do you call a temper tantrum of the child of an anti-vaxxer?

A midlife crisis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a homophobic child's worst nightmare?

A monster coming out of the closet!

A child’s observation:

If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.

My backpack is like a small child

You pay 20 bucks for it and it carries your stuff around

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together

That would be one stone, gold motherfucker

What do you call a child with Iodine deficiency?

Chld.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Love child is the modern term for a Bastard.

Love Island must be the collective term.

A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”


“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will ...

A man walks in on a child molester

He sits at a bench and says
“Forgive me father, for I have sinned”

An old man marries a younger woman and they decide to have a child.

After months of unsuccessfully trying to conceive, the man goes to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor hands him a sample cup and tells him, “Take this home, fill it up, and bring it back in tomorrow.”

The next day, the man walks in with the sample cup still empty and hands it ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was so pissed off when I had to buy a $400 plane ticket for my child.

The craigslist ad said the price included postage.

When I was a child my parents fed my lots of chocolate, peanuts and raisins.

Probably explains why I was a little Chuncky.

How did the pirate warn his child about a fire he had set?

He yelled “Arson!”

A Canadian and an Australian had a child

It’s first words: Good eh

Dating a girl that has a child...

... it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me:What's the difference between a child and a prostitute

Friend: I don't know

Me: You sick bastard

When I was a child, I had a cat.

I went away to Summer Camp, and while I was gone my cat died. My dad didn’t want to upset me, so he told me that the cat went to live with my mom. Needless to say, I was heartbroken, but I soon learned that my dad lied to me because I was digging around in the backyard a few days later and found my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once at a gig, Bono stopped everything and asked the crowd for complete silence. He started slowly clapping his hands and he said “every time I clap my hands, a starving child in Africa dies....”

....and then one man in the crowd shouted “well then stop clapping your hands then you cunt!”

My child is so spoiled, I got him a trampoline for Christmas.

Instead of using it he just cried in his wheelchair.

A Jewish man once sent his child to Jerusalem.

To his surprise, the child came back converted to christianism.

He complained about it to his friend, who told him, in shock :

\- You know what, that's weird ! The exact same thing happened to me !

Seeking answers, they went to see the local rabbi.

\- Rabbi, we sent ou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who are against child labour...

...really just need to grow the fuck up.

Robbie: Larry’s mother had four children. Three were named North, South and West. What was her other child’s name?

**Bobbie:** East?

**Robbie:** No. Larry.

An autistic child first time going to school

So first time posting here. It is my favorite joke and I have never seen it posted. It is better with some gesture and noise but I'll try anyway, I'll do my best to translate it in English. (sorry if my English isn't perfect but I have to share this masterpiece)


A mother tell her autisti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Curious child

There was family reunion one day and the mom and dad were preparing for it.

The kid went to the kitchen where his mom was cutting the turkey.

She accidentally cuts her finger and screamed "Fuck!"

Kid: what does "fuck" mean?

Mom: o-oh it means "cut" hah ha...

so ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An airplane is about to crash with only 5 parachutes on board.

A doctor says, “Save the women.”

A young mother says, “No, save the children.”

A lawyer says, “Fuck the children.”

A priest asks, “Do we have time?”

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

Unfortunately, I lost my job at the aquarium.

Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

A man was in the hospital carrying his one hour old child

A man was in the hospital carrying his one hour old baby boy, when he saw another dad carrying a baby as well. Curious, he walked up and asked about the baby, finding out that the baby girl had been born just 30 minutes ago. "Well imagine if they got married", the man said jokingly to the other.
...

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

In a child in a drawing lesson.

A little girl was in a drawing lesson. She was six and she was at the back, drawing, and the teacher noticed this little girl hardly ever paid attention, and in this drawing lesson she did. The teacher was fascinated and she went over to her and she said, "What are you drawing?" And the girl said, "...

What do you call a child born from incest

Gross domestic product

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero

The Invisible Man

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