UPJOKE
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A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

Child walks past the parents bedroom,

looks inside and mumbles: And you want to send me to a psychologist for thumb sucking.

What did the librarian say to the child?

**Read More**

The quickest way for a dad to get a child’s attention

is to sit down and look comfortable.

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...

As a child i was molested by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me.

BREAKING NEWS from the courtroom! Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name.

Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

a child asks his father what an alcoholic is

the dad replies, "see those 4 cars? an alcoholic would see 8"

the child says, "but dad, there are 2 cars over there"

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

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I called the Child Abuse Hotline

A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero

The Invisible Man

My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.

It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

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NSFW.. Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
...

A man is walking with his child on the street when a tourist approaches him asking

- "Parlez vous francais?"
Our man looks surprised and says nothing. The tourist changes the language:
- "Sprechen Sie Deutsch?"
Again, no response. The tourist tries his luck once more:
- "Habla español?"
Seeing that he receives no answer, the tourist moves on.

The child,...

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games.

In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying. “What’s wr...

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A homophobe, a child molester, and a con man walk into a bar

The bartender says "What will it be, Father?"

why did a child cross the road?

cause he didnt wear his seatbelt

I was raised as an only child

which really annoyed my sister

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If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together

That would be one stone, gold motherfucker

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

Did you know that 20 pirahnas can demolish a small child down to the bone in under 30 seconds?

In other news, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

(My nephew told me this joke yesterday, totally deadpan! Thought it was worth sharing!)

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I tried to force feed my child...

After a while, my wife said, "Just use a fucking spoon Mike, you're not a Jedi."

As God created this human child, God asked him...

"How about an extra chromosome?"

The child replied, "I'd be down for that."

I was so poor as a child that

If I didn’t wake up with a hard on on Christmas Day I didn’t have anything to play with.

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine

As I got older I realized it was just a phase

A joke my Dad told me that I never understood when I was a child.

A man walking along a California beach is deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, Grant me one wish."

The sunny Californian sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"<...

My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?

A dog, dogs eat meat

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

What do you call two fat people raising a child?

Unfit parents.

A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.

She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

She says "I want you to see this."

She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.

She then says, feeling that she has made ...

I offered my seat to a child

I lost my job as a bus driver

Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child...

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soo...

A child was talking to his grandpa

**Kid**: "Grandpa, can you give that bucket over there a kick ?"

**Grandpa**: "Yes I can ! But why are you asking ?"

**Kid**: "Because dad told me that we're gonna be rich when you kick the bucket"

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

Boebert asked her coworker, "Do you have any kids?" "Yes," she replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

Then Boebert said, "I might be stupid, but I know how many one is."

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...

When I was a child a police officer came to our school and gave a speech on drugs.

I couldn't understand a damn thing he said.

A child with an imaginary friend is normal

An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,

And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.

Not vaccinating your child is like owning a PT Cruiser

You're spending thousands a year on something that'll probably be dead in less than five.

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One year, I had been a naughty child, and Santa left me a piece of coal.

So I poisoned his cookies.
But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad.

A child asks his dad...

Child: "Dad, how high is that building?"

Building: "If I'm already built, why am I called a building?"

Dad: "Pretty damn high."

"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"

The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:


"We tried, but nobody would take you"

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child)

Eclipse it.

My parents just said they want another child.

"I'd love a sibling!" I said.

"That's not what we meant." they replied.

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

A joke I made up as a child that I was very proud of and thought was the funniest thing in the world:

Q. What do you call a famous pebble?

A. A rock star.

As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated child.

But I think …. I’ll give it a shot.

Why was the child’s blanket arrested?

For being an accessory to a kid napping.

I was an ugly child.

No one ever told me that to my face, but I grew up catholic and never got touched, so I can take a hint.

What do you get when you throw a piano on a child?

A flat minor.

My wife said she wanted to name our child Eevee because she thought it would be cool to name it after a Pokemon

I said 'ditto'

What gift did the armless child receive for christmass?

I don't know, he didn't unwrap it.

My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

A child asked Santa Claus

“How did your reindeer get their names?”



Santa replied, “I named them after memories, like pranced frolicking through the snow!”


“What about Donner?” the child asked.


A shadow settled on Santa’s face, and after a moment he began: “The year was 1847, and snowfal...

If my male child was being stubborn before a flight could I check him with my luggage?

Or would I have to carry on my wayward son?

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

I remember as a child, lying in bed waiting for Santa to come...

Then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

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child labor needs to be internationally abolished

they never fucking make anything right

Why was the barber upset about his child?

The baby was always cowlicky

Child molesters

Two priests are out driving one day, when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver, " Sorry to pull you over father, but we're currently searching for two child molesters."
The two priests turn and look at each other for a fe...

Dating a girl that has a child...

... it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".

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What's the scientific name for a child who grew up with parents that never gave them attention?

Homoneglectus.

A child asks his mum:

Child: Mum, what's a dark joke?

Mum: You see that guy with no arms? Go and ask him to clap.

Child: But mum I'm blind!

Mum: Exactly.

Why would no one name thier child Pollen?

Apparently there's a lot of stigma attached.

Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..I spent five hours child-proofing the house.

They still got in.

A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years lat...

I was so ugly as a child

Had to tie a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

If a child refuses a nap

are they resisting arrest?

Braking The Truth To Your Child

Son: [Sobbing] Mum, Dad Just told me Father Christmas isn't real, is that true??

Me: Well, I suppose you're old enough now for me to tell you this...he's not your real dad.

Son: [Sobbing intensifies]

My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child...

I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

Dark humour is like a child with cancer

It never gets old.

Child's play

When one of his employees didn't show up to work one day without phoning in, his boss called his home phone number, and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello?"

The boss asked "Is your Daddy home?" to which the small voice replied "Yes".

The man asked "Can I please speak to him?",...

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child?

For arguments sake, let's say you've been dating for 3 years, and the child is 6 weeks old.

Why did the child get in trouble for quacking like a duck?

Because he was using fowl language.

Apple recently created a more child-friendly iTouch.

It's called the iTouch-Kids.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father a...

14 years ago, my wife and I had our first child.

We were so excited. We have never had a child before so the parenting thing was new to us. The doctor came in and asked, “what will you name her?” I had a good idea, when suddenly my wife said “Love. Her name is Love.” I wasn’t so sure what to think of that, but I decided to go along with it. Love ...

"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."

"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"

"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."

What's the hardest part about having a child?

The Amber alerts.

When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist

That kid didn't help at all.

Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That’s a very low goal. Have some ambition

Child: How about being a doctor?

Dad: That’s right!

Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....

Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?

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As a child I was told there's a monster under my bed.

As an adult I went to see a therapist.

"Doc I got issues, man I know it's ridiculous but I think there's a monster under my bed"

"Well young man, you have come to right place give me three months and you'll be right as new"

"What will it cost me doc?"

"Well we will have t...

A man and a woman had a child together, but after two years the child had not yet said a word...

...After two years of waiting, the child suddenly says: "Grandpa, grandpa!" Ofcourse the parents are very happy that the child has finally said his first words, but the next day grandma calls and tells that grandfather has passed away.

After two weeks the child suddenly says: "Grandma, Grandm...

A man and his smart aleck child went camping

They set up their tent, and after a long day, they prepared to go to bed

As they lay down on their sleeping bag, the father asked his son: “What do you see?”

The son replied: “I see the big dipper that consists of the seven stars of the Ursa Major, I see the constellation of Cancer, wh...

"We Do Not Have A Child Slave Colony On Mars."

They are free to leave the dome whenever they wish.

I called the doctor "My wife is going into labor! What should I do?" "Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband."

Why did the naughty child not get electrocuted when he stuck a fork in the socket?

Because he was grounded!


(I'll see myself out)

Can a woman have a child in her 70s?

No, children are zero when born silly!

I was thinking...

If a parent is trying to put his child to sleep and the child is refusing, wouldn’t it be illegal because technically the child is resisting a rest?

But then I realized it’s a lose-lose situation and it’s illegal either way because if the child willingly goes to sleep it makes it a kid nappi...

What is the difference between a child and A.I.?

Dunno. But we just found a really clever way to lower staffing costs!

Husband and wife…………..

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery....

After 3 years, the wife starts to think...

...that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not o...

An artist has a 6 year old child who also likes to draw

His child drew a horse.

The artist asked, "You drew the horse wrongly."

The child replied, "How did I draw it wrongly?"

The artist said, "Why does the horse have wings?"

The child replied, "Why can't it have wings?"

The artist said, "It isn't a horse if it has wing...

FAQ: Can I returned my child and get a refund?

No, but we can give you stork credit.

Little Jhonny was an only child.

After hearing from his friends that had younger siblings how fun it was to take care, play, and sometimes pick on them, he got extremely jealous and began to wish very badly for a little brother. So everyday he would beg his parents for them to have another baby. His parents, however, really didn't ...

I love quadratic equations so much I would give up my first born child for it

and that’s not a hyperbola

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A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

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Doctor: So your child was born without eyelids.

Mother: Well isn't there anything you can do?

Doctor: Yes, when we circumcise him we can take that excess skin and make him eye lids.

Mother: Will he be okay?

Doctor: Yeah, he will be fine, just be a little cock-eyed.

So there's a child and a gorilla...

...well, there ***was*** a gorilla.

Kylo Ren: I've always hated being an only child

Han: You're not an only child. You're a Solo child.

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

A child comes back home from school and tells his dad he learnt a new joke in school.

Dad: Sure, tell me.

Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?

Dad:

Child:

Dad:

Child:

Dad: Is it a p-

The wife, who was listening from the other room comes running in screaming, "SPAGHETTI IT'S SPAGHETTI"

Why can’t two Chinese parents make a white child

Two Wongs don’t make a white

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

I’m an only child

Finally...

What did the physicist say about the child that jumped off a building?

He had so much potential

"Don't let your inner child die!"

could be a slogan for an anti abortion campaign.

A woman has just given birth to her child.

The doctor holds the newborn child at both feet, upside down, then slams it three times on the wall. The mother is shocked! The doctor consoles: «April fools! Was already dead!»

My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.

A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him.

\-"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked.

\-"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!"

\-"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?"

\-"Well,...

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A child crashes his bike in front of a church

The priest see's this and bring the boy inside to treat him. The boy having a concussion stays the night in the church. In the middle of the night he hears a blood curling scream. The next morning he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a...

I just saw a man pick up a screaming child and take her to his van.

Man, kids are getting carried away these days.

"What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.

"Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almig...

A child asks his mother "mom, what is dark humor?"

The mother responds: do you see that man without hands? Tell him to clap. On wich the son says: but mom I'm blind. And the mom responds: Exactly.

When I was a child I had many imaginary friends.

They were real people... I just imagined they were my friends.

I was a stillborn child

My mother didn't want me but I was still born

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What do you call a thousand terabytes of child porn?

A pedobyte.

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A lifeguard sees a physically handicapped child come up to the public pool.

So the lifeguard gets ready to jump in and make a rescue as he sees the kid clumsily put down his towel to go for a swim.


As soon as the handicapped boy touches the water, he starts swimming with athletic ease. Going one lap crawl, the other butterfly, back and forth , back and forth.
...

A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.

Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:

“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”

Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.

“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”

Relieved that this ...

A child asks why their name is...

A mother and father are going through baby photos with their three children when the first child looks up to his mother and asks...

"Momma, why did you call me Sand?"

And the mother replies, "Well, we named you Sand because when you were born a grain of sand landed on your forehead"...

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