UPJOKE
babyinfantdaughteryoungstertykebirthminorkidpreschoolertoddleroffspringpersonchildhoodadultadolescent

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A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

What do a 14-year-old pregnant girl and the child inside her have in common?

Both are thinking "Oh no! My mom's gonna kill me!"

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A homophobe, a child molester, and a con man walk into a bar

The bartender says "What will it be, Father?"

The quickest way for a dad to get a child’s attention

is to sit down and look comfortable.

As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated child.

But I think …. I’ll give it a shot.

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...

Braking The Truth To Your Child

Son: [Sobbing] Mum, Dad Just told me Father Christmas isn't real, is that true??

Me: Well, I suppose you're old enough now for me to tell you this...he's not your real dad.

Son: [Sobbing intensifies]

Child walks past the parents bedroom,

looks inside and mumbles: And you want to send me to a psychologist for thumb sucking.

I was so poor as a child that

If I didn’t wake up with a hard on on Christmas Day I didn’t have anything to play with.

I was so ugly as a child

Had to tie a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

me and my pyromaniac wife have a child

He is arson

As a child, I had a real obsession with Posh Spice

It cost my Mum a fortune in saffron

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games.

In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying. “What’s wr...

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One year, I had been a naughty child, and Santa left me a piece of coal.

So I poisoned his cookies.
But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad.

Boebert asked her coworker, "Do you have any kids?" "Yes," she replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

Then Boebert said, "I might be stupid, but I know how many one is."

BREAKING NEWS from the courtroom! Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name.

Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.

Some say child birth is the most painful event one can experience.

Maybe because I was too young to remember, but I don’t think it hurt too much.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.

She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

She says "I want you to see this."

She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.

She then says, feeling that she has made ...

Today I got fired for making a child cry at work. I only asked him where his parents were

Working at an orphanage is no joke

Dark humour is like a child with cancer.

It never gets old.

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it's impossible to describe the trauma of being the child of an abusive Mason...

...But it's twenty years later and I'm still shitting bricks

My father once told me that the Bible said "spare the rod, spoil the child" as a justification for hitting me

The Bible also had a problem with Wrath, but I valued my life too much to point that out.

Looking back, I now realise how cruel I was, as a child, making our cat play with one of the goldfish.

He nearly drowned

If a child refuses a nap

are they resisting arrest?

A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...

"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"

The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"

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A Native American child asks his father what his sister's name means.

He tells the child, "since we are one with the earth, after you are born, the elder steps out to gaze upon the land. The first thing that he sees will be your name. When your sister was born, the elder stepped out and saw a fox running through the field. And so we named her Running Fox."

"Wha...

The coincidences

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perked up and said,

\- “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”

\- “What a coincidence,” the farmer said.

\- “This is a special day for me; I am cel...

Why was the child’s blanket arrested?

For being an accessory to a kid napping.

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

How did the child know it was his mother who stole the chocolate?

It was apparent.

Did you know that piranhas can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

What's the worst part about being an only child in Alabama?

Knowing that you'll always be single.

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A Father is driving home with his child in the back seat

The boy looks out the window and, seeing a field full of cows, excitedly says to his father;

“Dad! Look! Moo moos!”

His father looks angrily in the rear view mirror and says

“They’re not called moo moos! They’re cows! Say it properly!”

The boy replies quietly “cows, dad.”...

Little Jhonny was an only child.

After hearing from his friends that had younger siblings how fun it was to take care, play, and sometimes pick on them, he got extremely jealous and began to wish very badly for a little brother. So everyday he would beg his parents for them to have another baby. His parents, however, really didn't ...

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A teacher asks Little Johnny, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

A teacher asks Little Johnny, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel thr...

"I always looked up to him", said the child on the day of his dad's funeral

"He was taller than me"

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An Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily

‌‌

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌...

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

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There was a tragic birth defect that affected a young couples' first born child.

The doctor looked at the new parents and said. "Your baby is healthy, but he was born without eyelids. The parents were shocked and the new mother started to weep.

"Is there anything that can be done to fix this?" She asked, choking on her tears.

The doctor thought a moment when an ...

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

As a child, I was so immature. I'd spend any spare change on Hotwheels cars, then crash them and around like an idiot.

But now I've really matured.

I now any spare change on Hotwheels cars, then display them on my shelf

If you see and old person and a child in the road you're driving on, what do you hit??

The Brakes!!

Why did the child cross the road?

They didn't wear a seatbelt...

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

It was a chilly day of spring when I answered the door to a child holding a plastic pumpkin by the handle.

"Trick or treat!"

"A little late on that one you reckon? Halloween was months ago"

"It was? Sorry, I'm Internet Explorer"

Mum hated that it was illegal to hit me as a child, so she gave birth to conjoined twins…

I guess if you can’t beat ‘em…

What did the Muslim child say to his mother after it had been caught stealing the second time?

"Look mom, no hands."

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

Inflation

I sat my daughter down and told her she was my least favourite child...

...she laughed and said

"Of course I am, but I'm your only child!"

I replied

"No, you don't understand, I mean globally"

There was this man in Russia who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person died. He went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, ...

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

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Our teacher asked us to come up with a catchy headline for a inter-school football match, a child in my class came up with...

Teacher - Children please suggest a catchy headline for the football event coming up in which our school is participating

Child - Kick thier balls!

(True event)

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Bono started clapping slowly between songs during a U2 concert. "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies from starvation", he told the audience

Some guy at the front shouted, "Well stop fucking doing it then!"




^actually ^a ^true ^story

Sandy’s mum has four kids; North, West, East. What is the name of the fourth child?

Sandy, obviously!

I was reading a research paper on why there's such a high child mortality rate in China.

Apparently it's something to do with the youth in Asia.

What’s the difference between raising a child and having a pet?

One of them will actually listen to you.

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

A child funny story

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

Blondes

A young blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed some quick cash. Desperate, she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom…

She went to the local playground, randomly grabbed a kid, took him behind a nearby building, and in a stern voice she told him, "You've been kidnapped, ...

I see Alec Baldwin is having a seventh child

He clearly doesn’t shoot blanks

If I have three bags of sour skittles and a child steals one bag of my sour skittles. What will I have at the end of the day?

Three bags of skittles and a small body to hide.

A free range child is a sign of a good mother.

Unless she's a cannibal, which makes it a sign of a good farmer.

Let me explain

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

\- "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look...

A man has a vision of God

God says to the man "You may ask three questions of me."

The man thinks hard, and says "God, the universe is so old...how do you keep track of it?"

God says "My child, to me a million years is only one second."

The man thinks again, and says "God, why do so many rich people forg...

Physical

An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “

“I've never been better!” he boasted. “I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a mome...

A farmer who raises donkeys goes out of town, leaving his wife alone at the farm

A neighbouring farmer, who desires an affair with her, takes advantage of the opportunity and seduces the wife while her husband is away.

The wife soon finds out that she is pregnant with the neighbour’s child, and after informing them of this they decide that it would be best to confess to ...

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Priest, nun, camel, laugh.

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being r...

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passio...

I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgemental looks, just because of the screaming toddler in my arms.

Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my child.

Two ships crash into each other on a densely foggy day on the ocean.

The two captains (a man and a woman) wind up in the same hospital and they fall in love. They give up their sailing careers to raise a family.

When the wife was almost ready to give birth, they decided it would be really sweet if their child chose a career that would be helpful in preventing...

My father only hit me once as a child.

But he used a Ford Transit.

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

So I was teaching a church Sunday school class this morning and asked the kids what they know about resurrection. Only one child raised her hand and said...

***"I don't know what it is but I know that if it lasts for more than four hours then you should call a doctor"***

Did you hear about the child who could talk to dead people but no one would listen to him?

He was a small medium who was largely ignored.

When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive...

It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

A husband and wife's last child goes off to college...

The husband's friend asks him what it's like having no kids around.

"It's awful," the husband says, "my wife now treats me like one of the kids. She's started picking out my clothes. She's tries to give me baths. At the grocery store she slaps my hand any time I reach for something!"

"...

If a buffalo and baboon mated...

Their child would be a real buffoon.

A pastor is looking forward to dinner with a family in his congregation….

After church on Sunday, the pastor approaches the family and confirms their dinner the coming Friday. After making small talk for a few minutes, the pastor turns to the couple’s 5yo. “Have your parents told you what they will be making for us on Friday?”
The child thinks a second and replies, “Go...

A girl went to confession.

Girl: I think I am pregnant.

Priest: How did this happen my child?

Girl: I think it might have been the second coming.

Priest: What makes you think it's the second coming?

Girl: Because I swallowed the first one father.

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A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying?



Midlife crisis

What do you call a child with no legs, 1 arm and an eyepatch?

Names






Credit: Bo Burnam

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

He has a nun fantasy

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:

\- “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you”

She answers,

\- ”My son, you...

The wife & I had a child yesterday evening,

I call dibs on the breakfast ribs.

Child: Dad, what does syphilis start with?

Dad: A kiss.

A father at the hospital is looking at his new born baby

The baby has a birth defect. He's just one big baby sized ear. No arms... No legs... No face or belly or bottom. Just a big baby sized ear.

The father is undaunted and hopes for a bright future for his child. He tells the baby "Don't worry baby, you may just be one giant ear... But it won...

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

Happy Halloween

Bob thought his new neighbor across the street was strange from the moment he first moved in.  The new neighbor, Jack, was a dorky middle-aged white man, who laughed at his own jokes, which he told repeatedly, and only talked about the stupidest stuff, which he always claimed was super popular on Re...

After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child.

Though to be fair, Trump kinda had it coming.

When I was a child, I was kidnapped by mimes

They did unspeakable things to me

I would rather be the child of a Storm Trooper, than one of a Jedi.

Because when I eventually leave the house, they would always miss me.

When I was a child, I was obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine.

Later on, I realized it was just a phase.

What do you call an Anti-Vax Child minder? - Mrs Doubt Pfizer

It's only a joke.

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

A calligrapher died peacefully in his sleep.

He soon woke up in a land of paradise. He spent the next few days exploring. Heaven was exactly as he imagined—pristine rolling hills, golden castles upon cloud tops, reunions with lost loved ones, and endless opportunities to explore one's hobbies. He had access to the finest selection of inks and ...

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my parents raised me as an only child…

which really pissed off my sister

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Gunfighter

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and tw...

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My girlfriend has unreasonable standards

Last night, she told me to fuck her like No Child Left Behind fucked America's education system.

The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

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The psychiatrist

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

\- "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said,

\- "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to t...

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

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A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”

The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”

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Grandfather of the year

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.

The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice:

\- "Easy, William, we won't be long".

Anothe...

I took my daughter to "Bring your child to workday."

As we were walking around, she started getting cranky and began crying. A group of my co-workers gathered around to see what the commotion was. I asked her what why she was crying.



She said: "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you work with."

A child asks his mother "mom, what is dark humor?"

The mother responds: do you see that man without hands? Tell him to clap. On wich the son says: but mom I'm blind. And the mom responds: Exactly.

We all know that no matter how kind you are, a German child is kinder

But let me tell you something, when they’re being brats, they’re the wurst!

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News Report: Child born with no eyelids.

A baby boy has been born without having his eyelid full formed. In a radical new surgery the doctors were able to form eyelids for the foreskin of the child. Doctors report the surgery successful, however the child may be cock-eyed.

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

What can you say that’s reassuring for a child getting a vaccine, but disappointing for your wife?

“You’re just going to feel a tiny prick; it’ll be over in a few seconds.”

"What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?"

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.

"Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almig...

You child is playing with wires and is getting electrocuted, what can you do?

Ground him until he can conduct himself properly.



First word in title should be "your"

The Boy who Speaks in Coffee

There was once an Italian boy who was born to a pair of baristas. Unfortunately, he was born with a mental defect which meant that his vocabulary would be formed very early, and would be highly associative. As his parents worked around the clock to support their new son, his vocabulary quickly becam...

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Marriage

The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out...

Did you hear about the child with psychic powers? Apparently he's on the run from the police.

He's a small medium at large.

A husband and wife who own a circus walk into an adoption agency looking to adopt a child.

"Are you sure the circus is the best place for a child?" asks the social worker. "I mean, all those dangerous animals, the constant traveling..."

"The animals are trained," says the wife. "And we have a state-of-the-art 55-foot motorhome equipped with a large nursery."

"How will you ed...

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A man prays to win the lottery

A down on his luck man is praying to his god.
"Dear God" he says "I've fallen on hard times, I'm having money trouble and my wife is going to leave me. Please help me win the lottery so I can solve my problems"

Suddenly his god appears in front of the man and says "I have heard your prayer...

A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.

Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:

“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”

Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.

“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”

Relieved that this ...

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NSFW.. Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
...

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?

Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

What do you get when you throw a piano on a child?

A flat minor.

In the early 1400's, a little town in France was down on its luck...

Unemployment was high, and everyone who needed money pretty much lived their lives in front of the job board in the middle of the town.

Well, one fine morning, the city priest walked to the center of town and posted a page that read, 'Help Wanted: Bell Ringer.' The groans that pervaded the cr...

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At school

At school, 5th grade classroom.
The new teacher is asking some questions to the kids just to know them a little better.

T: so, Lucy, tell me about your family.
Lucy: I'm the only child. Dad work in a factory and mom is a housemaid.

T: a typical family... Nice. And what about your...

You can call a dog a “fur baby” and nothing happens,

but I call OND CHILD a “skin dog” and suddenly I’m the WORST taxidermist in the state.

If the babysitter is present when your child takes their first steps...

...they are automatically promoted to babystander.

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A child crashes his bike in front of a church

The priest see's this and bring the boy inside to treat him. The boy having a concussion stays the night in the church. In the middle of the night he hears a blood curling scream. The next morning he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a...

What did the physicist say about the child that jumped off a building?

He had so much potential

The Barbies

Few days before Christmas the father of a lovely 9yo girls goes to best you shop in town. He walks the lanes untill he finds a nice girl and asks her for help.

Dad: good afternoon. Please, can you help me choosing a Barbie doll for my daughter?

Shop assistant (SA): Sure Sir! How much w...

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

Woman at the doctor

Woman ask doctor: "My child refuse to eat fish. How can I adequatelly replace it?"
Doctor's answer: "With cat. Cat eats fish"

Consulting the Shaman

A couple had been wanting to have a child for so long and was so desperate that they consulted a Shaman hoping that he could solve their problem.

The Shaman said that they would have their first child next year, with a condition that it is accompanied by a curse... that the very first name or...

Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..I spent five hours child-proofing the house.

They still got in.

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Experts say making a child do chores can do damage.

But if you can afford a few broken dishes put the little buggers to work! It will do them good!

PSA for expecting parents

The name you give your child will follow them throughout their entire life, so choose carefully. Think of how it will be made into nicknames and how other people will say it.

Oh, and don't forget about the initials.

Sincerely,

Anna Nichole Amber Lewis and Clive Ulysses Mansfiel...

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

When I was a child my mum always used to bathe me in cheap Australian beer.

It wasn't till I was 18 that I realized I'd been Fostered....

I think Lance is a good name for my new child

But people don’t name their kids Lance-alot these days

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Walking in on my son

Last night I entered my son's bedroom without knocking and I caught him watching something no parent wants his young kid to watch.

The Kardashians.

I did my best to hide my disgust and considered it a great opportunity to have a one on one with him. I sat down next to him, closed his...

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