My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet

She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

Have you seen the new Exorcist movie?

This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.

How does the man in the moon cut his hair? (From my 9yo child)

Eclipse it.

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child

Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW.. Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Avengers went to go and visit a child in the hospital on Friday.

The lucky kid gets to meet Stan Lee on Saturday.

Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An airplane is about to crash with only 5 parachutes on board.

A doctor says, “Save the women.”

A young mother says, “No, save the children.”

A lawyer says, “Fuck the children.”

A priest asks, “Do we have time?”

All those people saying anti-vaxxers should be researching child sized coffins aren't considering both sides

they can also use urns

TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...

Unfortunately, I lost my job at the aquarium.

A very religious man's child was caught with measles....

The man put the child in his bed and trusted God to rescue him. A neighbor came by and said, “His temperature will soon be too high and will cause irreparable health problems, let me give him some medicine.”


“No thanks” replied the religious man. “I’ve prayed to God and I’m sure he will ...

I only knock up antivaxxers.

Because 8 years of child support is better than 18.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said,

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

What does a Italian child use to cut their pizza?

Little Caesar's

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

What do you call a child born from incest

Gross domestic product

Dark humor is like a child with cancer

It doesn’t get old

Dating a girl that has a child...

... it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".

Did you hear about the child who's parents gave him 10 names?

Did you hear about the child whose parents gave him 10 names? He struggled initially.

My SO and I discussed having a child..

but it turns out it's cheaper to buy a dishwasher.

As the child's dad goes to check up on him, the child says "Dad, I can't sleep"

Dad: "Why not?"

Kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

Dad: \[looks under bed\] "Oh my god... yes!"

Kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a Tool fan and an unvaccinated child have in common?

Neither one will be alive when their next album is released

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What’s a punishment as a child but a reward as an adult?

Anal sex

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m a father of four and I spent the whole week child-proofing my house...

But for the little bastards keep getting in.

Having children is a lot like making pancakes

The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fathers child just came home from school, his dad said “what did you learn today?” The son replied “We learned two words hypothetically and realistically but I’m not sure what they mean.” He said “go ask your mom and sister if they would sleep with a man for a million dollars.” They both said yes.

His Father said, “Hypothetically we have two million dollars, realistically we live with 2 whores.“

Why did the child cross the playground?

Did you see? I'm already using my binoculars and I'm not allowed to get any closer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples

You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".

A child asks their parent, "What's an alcoholic?"

"Well", the parent says, "You see those two buses over there? An alcoholic would see four".

The child responds, "there's only one".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together

That would be one stone, gold motherfucker

Non-vaccinated children are less likely to have autism

Because autism is rarely diagnosed before the age of 3

I called the doctor "My wife is going into labor! What should I do?" "Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband."

There’s a queen a king and a Mongolian slave Child in a hotel. How many people are there?

None the queen is a bed the king is also a bed and slaves are property.

A hunt for a missing 6-year old boy ended after 10 hours when the child was found sleeping in the trunk of his uncle's car.

It was a kidnapping.

What’s a child molester’s favorite pick up line?

Hey, baby, wanna get out of here?

What did the zoologist and herbologist name their child?

Tiger Woods

My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up

I'm an only child :(

Was at my neighbors house, and their 2 year old unvaccinated child would not stop crying.

Must have been a midlife crisis.

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

When's the best time to tell a child about death?

Before the second trimester.

I saw a very attractive guy spank his child after he threw his fries on the ground

I also threw my fries on the ground.

Why is a Jewish Jedi Master always an only child?

Because he has no Force-kin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A friend once asked what I would do if my child turned out to be a flat-earther and I was dumbfounded

Still amazed that there are dumb nuts out there who think the planet is round and shit.

"Do you have any experience with child care?"

"Yes - I just quit my job at the White House."

I would never vaccinate my own child because of all the complications

Thats why I leave it to the certified medical professionals to do it.

A kid and child molester are walking in the woods

A kid and a child molester are walking in the woods. As the sun is going down and it gets darker, the kod says, "It's getting kinda scary mister." He tells the kid, "I know. I'm the one that's gotta walk back alone."

What's the difference between a man and a child?

The child can be left alone with the babysitter.

I wanted to have a child for about 3 years.

That's why I chose not to vaccinate them

I feed and clothe a child in Africa for 30 cents a day.

Ofcourse that's nothing compared to what it cost to send him there

A man asks a woman:"Do you want to be the mother of my childs?"

W: "Yes, I would love to!"

M: "They are impatiently waiting you at home"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a crap meme format and and an unvaccinated child?

Only one dies after going viral.

Old Turkish joke

One day Temel, the truck driver, while driving down a hill realizes that his brakes are not working. The truck is going faster and faster, until he reaches an intersection.

Temel looks around.

On his right, there is a child; on his left, there is a bazaar with more than 100 people. A...

I was raised as an only child

which really annoyed my sister

A child walks into a supermarket in America.

A child walks into a supermarket in America and tries to buy 5 bars of snickers and an assault rifle. The cashier saids, ‘I’m sorry, I can’t sell this to you’. The child replies; ‘Why?’ The cashier then saids; ‘that’s too much chocolate for a little boy to have’.

My dad asked if I remembered blowing bubbles as a child

He then informed me Bubbles is out of prison and wants to visit me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When a priest molests a child..

is the sextape called holyfuck?

Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why.

He said "inflation"

What does a 40 year old man and a 1.5 year old anti-vaccine child have in common?

They are both going through a mid-life crisis.

Dad’s equivalent of the mother’s “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it, too” to their misbehaving child

Dad - “I shot you once, and I can I do it again”

What did the Muslim child say after having been caught stealing the second time?

"Look mom, no hands!"

An employee is absent.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispere...

What do you call an adult that abuses animals and wants to be in a relationship with a child?

A PETA-phile.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A child asks his father what the difference between "in theory" and "in practice" is.

The father responds by saying "go ask your mother, sister, and grandmother if they would sleep with a man for 1 million dollars."

The child asks his mom who says yes, his sister who says yes, and his grandmother who says yes.

The child returns to his father and says "all three agreed t...

What did the large reptile say to her child when it kept nagging her to listen to the song “Chandelier?”

We will listen to Sia later alligator.

A friend of mine, a mother of 4 refused to get her children vaccinated.

Edit : Mother of three..

Edit2 : Mother of two...

Edit3 : Mother of one.....

Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..

A priest, rapist, and child molester enters a bar.....

...and he orders a drink.

^Credit: ^u/frank_under_w00d

What's the difference between Opportunity and am anti-vaxx child?

One actually survives after it's been told it has 90 days to live.

When is the last time an antivaxx mom sees her child?

When she drops the kid out kindergarten.

Why was the child's blanket arrested?

For being an accessory to a kid napping.

I wouldn't mind raising a vaccine-free child.

18 years seems like a long commitment, but I think I could handle 4.

Megan and Harry's future child

If Harry and Megan had a boy and named him "Artist" then changed his name he would be
The prince formerly known as Artist

What's an unvaccinated child's favorite game to play in the pool?

Marco Polio

Cardinal George Pell has just been convicted of child abuse -

Just goes to show that abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

What do you call an only child who lives in Alabama

a virgin

When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come...

Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero...

The Invisible man!

Don't want your child but to late for an abortion?

Don't vaccinate them and wait 3-10 years

"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"

The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:


"We tried, but nobody would take you"

Great joke about child abuse!

Let me tell you guys before my dad beats me to it.

A child asks his investor father “Dad, for my birthday, I’d really like a Bitcoin”

He replies “$4,000? What on earth do you need $15,000 for? Don’t you know how much $2,000 is?”

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim.

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim. The doctors thought the child wouldn't make it, but miraculously, it survived and was born normally. In recognition of this miracle, the parents named their child "Life". Now, Life had a beautiful first year alive, laughing and sm...

Child: Dad, how high is this building?

Building: If I’m already built, why am I called a building?

Dad: Pretty damn high.

Child abuse isn't funny

It's a real touchy subject

"Mommy?" little Johnny asks, "who is your favorite child?"

His mom replies: "Johnny, you know I can't answer this. I don't have a favorite child."

"But mommy," Johnny says, "I am your only child."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tired to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi”

"You're so childish!" screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends?! This is ridiculous, this relationship is over!"

"This relationship is what? Over!"

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I are trying to have a child...

Thing is I just dont have the balls to tell her I've had a vasectomy.

Two priests were driving in a car and got pulled over.

The police officer said “Hello gentleman, we are looking for two child molesters” the two priests talk quietly to them selves for a moment the turn the the officer and one of them says “Alright Officer we will do it!”

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.

"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child.

So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

How many Catholics does it take to mentally scar a child for life?

Nun.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once there was a swan that was very ugly as a child. (Isn’t the classic)

It often got bullied and had no friends. Despite being ugly the swan grew up to be beautiful and had kids.

The swan left these kids in another nest for another swan to raise

The end.

Moral of the story: you can get away with shit like that when you are attractive

A King and Queen are having trouble conceiving a child...

So the king starts holding his breath. When the Queen asks him why he says, "How can I breathe when there's no heir?"

I still remember when my mum used to tuck me in as a child

Man, She really wanted a daughter

My girlfriend poked a hole through the condom with a sharp needle, but I don't mind having a child

If only she'd let me take it off first.

I love Christmas, I have the heart of a small child

In a jar on my desk.

When Amy Schumer was a child, people laughed at her when she said she’d be a comedian

No one’s laughing now.

What's the difference between a child and a nerve agent?

One is legal to eat, but illegal to obtain. The other is illegal to eat, but legal to obtain.

A woman has a child while driving to the hospital...

They named him Carson.

A man with a broken arm comes in doctors office

Doctor: "Okay, so tell me how did you break it?"

Man: "Well, I was trying to avoid a child.."

Doctor: "Ah, yes, and you crashed your car."

Man: "Um, I fell off of bed."

what do you call fifty child molesters walking in a straight line?

A centi-peado-file

An Anti-Vaxx Mom visits her 4 year old child..

The flowers were withered.

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,

“Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” demanded his parents.

We know what a Porsche costs..”

“Well,” said the boy, “this on...

What is the difference between a non vaccinated child and a fire ant?

A fire ant can live up to 6 years