When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

A cowboy, who just

moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You k...

My brother just told me tik tok is better than reddit

So where's a good place to hide a small corpse?

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother

For $10 worth of bitcoin

B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin?


T: I just want to start investing for college?


B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you.


T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for?


B: I gave you $15.43...

My brother went to jail.

He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall.

I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

So my brother's girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!

So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...

It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

My brother and I are partners in a shoe business but we decided to split the business

Now I am the sole proprietor.

Why don't robots have any brothers?

Because they only have trans-sisters

My brother got a Tesla

My brother picked up a Tesla a few months back and it spoiled him for other cars. So last night, I pick him up from the airport in my old Yaris.

After a few minutes of driving, he says, “We need to get you into something all-electric.”

Looking back, I reply, “Best I can afford is a bat...

"Dad, why's my brother named Cameron?"

"Because your mother loves romance and it's an anagram."

"Thanks dad."

"Sure thing Alan."

A farmer's wife is making breakfast for her husband...

As she's serving his breakfast, he grabs her breast and tells her "if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows". Visibly upset, she continues cooking. A moment later he grabs his wife's crotch and tells her "if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens".

As the wife sit...

A man calls home to his brother while on a trip.

The man asks, "How's my cat?"

The brother says, "Right after you left, the cat got out, ran into the street and was killed by a passing car."

The man says, "that's a hard way to break that news to me. I wish you had prepared me for it instead of just blurting it out like that."

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition...

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful.


The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happen...

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

My brother was arrested for feeding pigeons at the zoo.

He was feeding them to the lions.

In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with.

The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.

One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died.

Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother ...

My brother isn’t celebrating Easter with us this year...

He’s Egg-Nostic

"My brother just got stabbed in the living room and he's dying!"

"Well I guess it isn't a living room anymore."

What is the difference between the Paul brothers and a noose...

None, they both kill people.

My brother has decided to identify as thin.

He's translender.

So there are three brothers, one called “manners”, one called “trouble” and one called “shut up”

One day they were playing hide and seek and “shut up” was searching. He found manners very quickly so they searched for their brother.

They looked for hours and still couldn’t find him, so eventually they went to the police station.

“Manners” was shy so he stayed outside, but “shut up”...

My little brother told me this one

“Why do ducks have feathers?” He says grinning through his teeth

“Why?”


“To cover there But-Quacks!” He says absolutely dyeing

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two bothers, one 8 and one 5 are upstairs

Playing and the older says to the younger, today we are going to learn how to swear.

The younger brother is real excited and says ok.

The older brother says, I'm going to say fuck and you are going to say damn.

The younger brother is ecstatic.

They both go downstairs a...

Three brothers have been traveling in a desert

The heat was too intense, if they didn’t find shelter immediately they would die

All of a sudden the first brother, the oldest, finds a lamp. Without hesitation he rubs it only for a genie to appear moments later

The genies shouts, “Ah! I awaken once more! You three men shall each get ...

What are the Mario brothers pants made out of?

Denim denim denim

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

My mom didn’t vaccinate my younger brother...

It’s alright though, always wanted to be an only child.

My brother Seamus says 1 out of 5 people in the world are Chinese.

Well, there's five in our family... I know it's not me, it's not my mom, and it's not my dad. That leaves my two brothers: Seamus, and Xiaoping. And to be honest?

I think it's Seamus.

My mom was telling my little brother about the food she ordered....

she said it had a middle eastern flavor to it. I then said said “He doesn’t even know what that means!” To which he replied, “Yes I do, it just means there’s a bomb in it.”

I’ve never been so happy to hear a girl say she loves me as a brother

She’s from Alabama

I finally realised my parents favoured my twin brother...

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party

There were two brothers....

One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother, on the other hand, was bad and did all the things that men should not do and didn’t care who he hurt. The bad brother died.
He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.

Finally, years ...

Why couldn't the Wong brothers get their prototype plane to fly?

Because two Wongs don't make a Wright.

It's a little known fact that Genghis Khan had a brother.

Unfortunately his brother had a terrible skin condition and was banished from his people. Eventually he ended up in Ireland where he was known as Leper Kahn.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young boy with 3 testicles notice that all his friend only got 2 testicles...

So he quickly got back home and talk to his elder brother about this.

“I got a secret to tell you.” said the younger brother.

“What?” the older brother asks.

“If we add up our balls, we will have 5 balls.” says the young boy.

His brother then freak out and says: “What...

My brother used to throw pennies at me all the time

And that’s why I’m afraid of change

My brother always prefers to take the stairs, whereas I prefer the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

What't the difference between the Jonas Brothers and my parents.

The Jonas Brothers came back.

Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked u...

Me and my brother stole a calendar

We each got six months.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.


Henry was curious and invited them into his office.


...

My girlfriend told me that she loves me like the way she loves her brother

Only time that I wasn’t happy being invited to a threesome

Did you ever hear the joke about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

No? How about the one who dumped his girlfriend?

What do you call two brothers hanging on your window?

Curt and Rod...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four Jewish brothers left home for college...

Four Jewish brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a hedge fund operator, and a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts
that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I had a b...

My brother came up to me and asked if I knew what they say to Cosby's victims, he said "Stay woke". I asked what about R. Kelly's victims?

"Grow up"

Little Audrey was sitting on the porch next to her little brother

She said, "Look, there's a quarter in the street!"

Her brother jumped up and ran into the street to get the money and was promptly squashed by a truck. And Lil Audrey just laughed and laughed, because she knew it was only a nickel.

What’s the name of Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother?

Broco Lee

My brother keeps drowning despite my numerous attempts to teach him to stay afloat.

What a dense child.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hercules had a brother who was way ballsier than he was.

Testicles

Help! My brother has developed an addiction to drinking brake fluid.

Our family is worried but he says it's okay because he can stop whenever he wants.

I was watching the Korean remake of Blues Brothers

Yeah, my favourite part was when they do Seoul Man

I vaccinated my brother a year ago, but it didn’t work...

Still doesn’t have autism.

A man and his brother met up for drinks

After a long night of drinking and laughing, the two men head home. On the way, they both delve into their love life, and the first man mentions the new girl he's been seeing.
"Yeah dude, we met at work and went out for dinner. She's gorgeous!"
His brother turns to him and asks,
"Nice! What...

A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 whiskeys in 3 seperate glasses.

So the bartender pours the drinks and the man drinks all 3, pays, and leaves. The next day, the man comes in, orders the same thing, drinks, pays leaves. This goes on for a week when finally the bartender says "you know, I can put all of those into 1 big glass for you if you'd like". The man replies...

That guy calls near everyone he meets his brother

His mom really gets around

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius..

But his brother Frank was a monster.

Three brothers moved to America from China.

The brothers names were Chu, Bu, and Fu. These brothers decided they wanted more American sounding names so they went to City Hall to change them.

Chu decided to go by Chuck, Bu decided to go by Buck, and Fu went back to China.

Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and her brother Bill are at Mulder's house party. They all gather around a pizza box with only 3 slices left.

SCULLY: Mulder, there isn't enough for each of us to have two. You'll have to share.

MULDER: I want two. Bill, leave.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw my brother masturbating in his room when I was seven

I asked him what he’s doing. He didn’t want mum to know about this and told me he’s practising Chinese kungfu. I shall never forget the day when I volunteered to demonstrate Chinese kungfu in front of everyone in class.

"My brother was telling me he received a Valentines day card today"

"Awe, he must've been thrilled. "

"No, not really, it was from his cell mate. "

So my brother has been taking rill good care of his hair

After his hour long showers all my conditioner is gone

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call your electrical engineer brother who got a sex change?

Transistor

The other day, I was telling my brother a joke.

Once I finish, I say, "That was a knee slapper, wasn't it?" He goes, "Yes, but I'm sure I can make a better one."

The next day, he calls me out to the backyard to show me something. I come outside to see my brother driving a remote-controlled toy car around my daughter. I ask him, "What are y...

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

After a night out partying, my brother shows up with a huge bandage on his nose. His girlfriend said,"His nose was broken in three places."

Turns out it was exactly the same three places I had warned him not to go when he'd been drinking.

After the wedding, the groom’s younger brother was sitting outside the room waiting

while the newly-weds were consummating the marriage. A few family members were concerned and asked him what he was doing.
“It will be your turn after your brother”, my father promised me.

Dad: Want to know what your brother said before he lost his virginity

Son: dad please don’t

Dad: exactly

There were 3 brothers...

... Their names were: Snowflake, Raindrop and Brick. One day Snowflake asked:
— Mom, why is my name Snowflake?-
— Because when we were going out of the hospital were you were born a snowflake fell on your forehead-

The next day Raindrop asked the same thing:
— Why my name is Raindrop...

I told my brother, "My wife ran off yesterday with my best friend Joe."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then said. "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar

Yeah, like I'm falling for that

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby...

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
...

Two brothers open their gifts on Christmas Day...

Two brothers, Jack and Charlie, open their gifts on Christmas Day, only to find that Jack has been spoiled with everything he ever wanted. Seeing his brother so jealous, Jack is basking in his smugness.

_Jack:_ I got so many gifts, I don't even know where to keep them!

_Charlie:_ Was c...

Nobody knew Jesus' twin brother.

Until Easter.

A woman was about to give birth at a hospital.

Her husband couldn't make it, but her two idiot brothers showed up to comfort her. The woman passed out right after giving birth to a boy and a girl. When she woke up, she saw her two children laying right next to her.

She told the doctor, "I'm ready to name my two children now."

The d...

My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

My brother didnt like the school shooting jokes I was making

I think I should aim for a younger audience.

Two Jewish brothers started up a craft beer distillery

called He-Brews

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 brothers, 12 and 10 decide it's time for them to act more manly

It's just before breakfast and the 2 brothers in their bedroom upstairs decide they're going to start cursing since that's what they see in the adult shows and movies. Mom calls them down for breakfast and they head down to the kitchen and take a seat. Mom turns to the 10 year old and asks "what wou...

Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...

His name was Frank

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] I walked in on my wife having sex with my brother...

He's been dead for 5 years. If he ain't breathin' it ain't cheatin'.

My brother has been out of town for a month and I've had to take care of his pet rabbit the whole time.

Let me tell ya...it's been hare raising.

My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother's surprise birthday party

That's when I realized he was her favorite twin

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled.

All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You for...

What do you call Identical Twin Brothers who choose a life of crime?

Cell Mates

Who is the most misogynistic Super Smash Brothers character?

Inceleroar.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump asks the Queen the advice

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two brothers running a farm...

One brother walks into the barn and notices his brother dancing in front of the tractor. Quietly he walks closer and peaks around the corner notices his brother slowly taking off his shirt while dancing.

He interrupts his dancing brother and asks what is he doing.

The dancing brother s...

I met a brother and sister from Alabama the other day. I swear, if they were any more inbred...

They would be a sandwich.

The Indian pledge starts as "All Indians are my brothers and sisters."

Funny how India and Alabama have so much in common.

People never seem to remember Jet Li's weaker, pacifist brother...

Gent Li.

How did Mario contact his dead brother?

A Luigi board.

&#x200B;

^(I'm so sorry.)

A brother and a sister are hanging out...

and the brother is barefoot. He notices his sister has been staring at his feet for awhile, so he asks,

Bro: “What’s up, why are you staring at my feet?”

Sis: “Well, i was just curious...”

Bro: “About?”

She points to his big toe

Sis: “Is that the process which moth...

A very little girl enters a room where her father and elder brother were talking.

"Hi Papa!" the girl says.

"Good morning, Promises." The father replies.

"Papa, why is brother sad?" Promises asks.

"Condoms just found out that I named you two after things that I have broken."

My dyslexic brother-in-law eats shellfish for anxiety...

He says it clams him down.

Three Irish brothers

Three Irish brothers go to the pub every Friday for a pint of Guinness after work. One day one of the brothers informs the other two that he’s been offered a new job in England and it’s too good to pass up. They’re upset but understand and wish him well so long as he goes to the pub every Friday and...

What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?

A virgin.

My brother bullied a dyslexic bird carer.

How owl can you go?

My brother asked if he could have a little peace and quiet while cooking dinner...

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

My brother’s just been talked into smoking by a french exchange student.

Talk about Pierre pressure

I just found out my little brother has been forced to smoke at school by some mad french foreign exchange student.

It was Pierre pressure

My brother has a strange relationship with shoes

He converses with them

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

What have Britain and Warner Brothers/DC got in common?

Neither of them know how to handle an EU.

I was super sad when my crush told me she only likes me as a brother...

Then I realized we are from Alabama

A kid asked his older brother what he could do to grow taller.

The brother told him to put lard on his head every day. So the kid said "Mom has some Crisco. Will that work?" And the brother said "No, stupid! That's shortening!"

My brother was telling me a story in the pub.

"I had this friend," he began.

"Yeah?" I replied. "What happened?"

He said, "He was out having fun and getting drunk, fifteen minutes after he was killed."

"That's impressive," I told him, "still celebrating even after his death."