Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother

For $10 worth of bitcoin

B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin?


T: I just want to start investing for college?


B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you.


T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for?


B: I gave you $15.43...

When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

A farmer's wife is making breakfast for her husband...

As she's serving his breakfast, he grabs her breast and tells her "if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows". Visibly upset, she continues cooking. A moment later he grabs his wife's crotch and tells her "if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens".

As the wife sit...

So there are three brothers, one called “manners”, one called “trouble” and one called “shut up”

One day they were playing hide and seek and “shut up” was searching. He found manners very quickly so they searched for their brother.

They looked for hours and still couldn’t find him, so eventually they went to the police station.

“Manners” was shy so he stayed outside, but “shut up”...

So my brother's girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!

So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My brother just updated his status to " I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young boy with 3 testicles notice that all his friend only got 2 testicles...

So he quickly got back home and talk to his elder brother about this.

“I got a secret to tell you.” said the younger brother.

“What?” the older brother asks.

“If we add up our balls, we will have 5 balls.” says the young boy.

His brother then freak out and says: “What...

My mother handed me $20

"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party."

That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four Jewish brothers left home for college...

Four Jewish brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a hedge fund operator, and a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later, chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts
that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I had a b...

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.


Henry was curious and invited them into his office.


...

My brother always prefers to take the stairs, whereas I prefer the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

My brother keeps drowning despite my numerous attempts to teach him to stay afloat.

What a dense child.

So my brother has been taking rill good care of his hair

After his hour long showers all my conditioner is gone

A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 whiskeys in 3 seperate glasses.

So the bartender pours the drinks and the man drinks all 3, pays, and leaves. The next day, the man comes in, orders the same thing, drinks, pays leaves. This goes on for a week when finally the bartender says "you know, I can put all of those into 1 big glass for you if you'd like". The man replies...

I finally realised my parents favoured my twin brother...

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party

My mom didn’t vaccinate my younger brother...

It’s alright though, always wanted to be an only child.

"My brother was telling me he received a Valentines day card today"

"Awe, he must've been thrilled. "

"No, not really, it was from his cell mate. "

After the wedding, the groom’s younger brother was sitting outside the room waiting

while the newly-weds were consummating the marriage. A few family members were concerned and asked him what he was doing.
“It will be your turn after your brother”, my father promised me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw my brother masturbating in his room when I was seven

I asked him what he’s doing. He didn’t want mum to know about this and told me he’s practising Chinese kungfu. I shall never forget the day when I volunteered to demonstrate Chinese kungfu in front of everyone in class.

My brother didnt like the school shooting jokes I was making

I think I should aim for a younger audience.

After a night out partying, my brother shows up with a huge bandage on his nose. His girlfriend said,"His nose was broken in three places."

Turns out it was exactly the same three places I had warned him not to go when he'd been drinking.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked u...

Three brothers moved to America from China.

The brothers names were Chu, Bu, and Fu. These brothers decided they wanted more American sounding names so they went to City Hall to change them.

Chu decided to go by Chuck, Bu decided to go by Buck, and Fu went back to China.

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or com...

Two Jewish brothers started up a craft beer distillery

called He-Brews

Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and her brother Bill are at Mulder's house party. They all gather around a pizza box with only 3 slices left.

SCULLY: Mulder, there isn't enough for each of us to have two. You'll have to share.

MULDER: I want two. Bill, leave.

Who is the most misogynistic Super Smash Brothers character?

Inceleroar.

Nobody knew Jesus' twin brother.

Until Easter.

My brother has been out of town for a month and I've had to take care of his pet rabbit the whole time.

Let me tell ya...it's been hare raising.

So my brother works at a research facility. His employer only stocks the bathrooms with single ply toilet paper.

They say it leads to the most breakthroughs

Why don't robots have any brothers?

They all have transisters

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 brothers, 12 and 10 decide it's time for them to act more manly

It's just before breakfast and the 2 brothers in their bedroom upstairs decide they're going to start cursing since that's what they see in the adult shows and movies. Mom calls them down for breakfast and they head down to the kitchen and take a seat. Mom turns to the 10 year old and asks "what wou...

A woman was about to give birth at a hospital.

Her husband couldn't make it, but her two idiot brothers showed up to comfort her. The woman passed out right after giving birth to a boy and a girl. When she woke up, she saw her two children laying right next to her.

She told the doctor, "I'm ready to name my two children now."

The d...

Dad: Want to know what your brother said before he lost his virginity

Son: dad please don’t

Dad: exactly

There were 3 brothers...

... Their names were: Snowflake, Raindrop and Brick. One day Snowflake asked:
— Mom, why is my name Snowflake?-
— Because when we were going out of the hospital were you were born a snowflake fell on your forehead-

The next day Raindrop asked the same thing:
— Why my name is Raindrop...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] I walked in on my wife having sex with my brother...

He's been dead for 5 years. If he ain't breathin' it ain't cheatin'.

What do you call Identical Twin Brothers who choose a life of crime?

Cell Mates

I met a brother and sister from Alabama the other day. I swear, if they were any more inbred...

They would be a sandwich.

Have you met Bruce Lee’s vegan brother?

He’s called Broco Lee.

Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...

His name was Frank

People never seem to remember Jet Li's weaker, pacifist brother...

Gent Li.

A very little girl enters a room where her father and elder brother were talking.

"Hi Papa!" the girl says.

"Good morning, Promises." The father replies.

"Papa, why is brother sad?" Promises asks.

"Condoms just found out that I named you two after things that I have broken."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.

The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as ...

Three Irish brothers

Three Irish brothers go to the pub every Friday for a pint of Guinness after work. One day one of the brothers informs the other two that he’s been offered a new job in England and it’s too good to pass up. They’re upset but understand and wish him well so long as he goes to the pub every Friday and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two brothers running a farm...

One brother walks into the barn and notices his brother dancing in front of the tractor. Quietly he walks closer and peaks around the corner notices his brother slowly taking off his shirt while dancing.

He interrupts his dancing brother and asks what is he doing.

The dancing brother s...

My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar

Yeah, like I'm falling for that

My dyslexic brother-in-law eats shellfish for anxiety...

He says it clams him down.

A brother and a sister are hanging out...

and the brother is barefoot. He notices his sister has been staring at his feet for awhile, so he asks,

Bro: “What’s up, why are you staring at my feet?”

Sis: “Well, i was just curious...”

Bro: “About?”

She points to his big toe

Sis: “Is that the process which moth...

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby...

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' monastery and it was leveled.

All fifty brothers were transported to heaven at the one time.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test as a group. Now, first question. How many of you have played around with little boys?"

Forty-nine hands went up.

"Right!" said St. Peter. "You for...

My brother asked if he could have a little peace and quiet while cooking dinner...

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

The Indian pledge starts as "All Indians are my brothers and sisters."

Funny how India and Alabama have so much in common.

I told my brother, "My wife ran off yesterday with my best friend Joe."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then said. "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

I just found out my little brother has been forced to smoke at school by some mad french foreign exchange student.

It was Pierre pressure

What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?

A virgin.

How did Mario contact his dead brother?

A Luigi board.

&#x200B;

^(I'm so sorry.)

My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away.

Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

What have Britain and Warner Brothers/DC got in common?

Neither of them know how to handle an EU.

My brother was telling me a story in the pub.

"I had this friend," he began.

"Yeah?" I replied. "What happened?"

He said, "He was out having fun and getting drunk, fifteen minutes after he was killed."

"That's impressive," I told him, "still celebrating even after his death."

Who are the younger brothers of Mt. Everest?

Mt. Ever and Mt. Everer.

A kid asked his older brother what he could do to grow taller.

The brother told him to put lard on his head every day. So the kid said "Mom has some Crisco. Will that work?" And the brother said "No, stupid! That's shortening!"

I was super sad when my crush told me she only likes me as a brother...

Then I realized we are from Alabama

My brother bullied a dyslexic bird carer.

How owl can you go?

My brother has a strange relationship with shoes

He converses with them

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Okay I have never seen this here and I have searched with 0 results but it’s in honor of my 50 year old brother who told it too me and recently passed away, (not related).

A man went to the circus and he sat with his wife a children, the circus began and all went well until the clown arrived, for some reason the clown focused on the man and humiliated him with he greatest of ease. He called him names, laughed at his clothes, joked about his accent, ridiculed where he ...

A woman was giving birth and the husband was away on a work trip, so she had her brother to accompany her.

She passed out whilst giving birth and when she woke up she was very worried. In her hospital the first thing they do after a baby is born is to name them. Her brother wasn't the smartest person in the room and she was understandably worried.

'Congrats mam you had twins, a boy and a girl!',...

My little brother asked me if I knew why our dad always hits us.

Beats me.

Why is Thor more famous than his brother?

Because his brother is low-key

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is new to town and heads into a bar on a Monday afternoon.

He’s chatting with the bartender, tips well and seems to have found his new watering hole. At 3 o’clock exactly he orders three shots of whiskey, kicks them back and then leaves the bar to go on about his day.

The next Monday the same thing happens, he comes in and at exactly 3 pm: orders th...

Why can't a woman ask her brother for help?

Because you cannot be a brother and assist her too.

Today I learned the fame of Albert Einstein pales in comparison to his brother whose work in cellular regeneration has been the subject of many books and several movies.

His name was Frank.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two brothers wake up one morning and decide to start cussing...

The older brother says, "I'll say 'Damn' and you can say 'Ass'." They agree and head downstairs.

Their mother asks the older brother what he would like for breakfast, and he says, "Get me some damn Cheerios!"

Furious, she gives him a spanking and sends him to his room. She then turns...

This girl I have a huge crush on said she loves me like a brother...

Which is great, because she’s from Alabama.

Did you know Superman has a brother who doesn't celebrate Christmas?

His name is No-El.

Merry Christmas!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

My brother was always the smart one that everyone loved. I was the dumb kid. While I sold drugs down by the beach, he became a doctor in applied maths.

But even so, he's still my brother. I'll never stop lending him money when he needs it.

My girlfriend’s brother got fired from a bank yesterday and he won’t explain why.

When she asked why he got fired, he said he couldn’t teller.

My brother is afraid that robots will replace him.

If he would look in his wife's bedside dresser he would realize he already has been

What's your brother's yogurt called?

Bro-yo

My brother asked if i could help him come up with a way to advertise the new vacation resort he was opening up.

I said "Brochure."

What do you have if your Dad’s brother is a complete pig?

An Oinkle.

Two young brothers are talking about swearing...

The older boy says "I'll show you swearing tomorrow morning at breakfast; just see if I don't."

At the breakfast table the following morning their mother asks the older boy what he'd like for his breakfast.

He replies "Well- I quite fancy f\*\*\*ing Coco-Pops today, mother." and grinne...

Once, when I was younger, I was grounded for tickling my brother's feet...

... My mother told me to wait till he was born and to go was my hands.

A new driver was flying down the road with his friend in the passenger seat one night

His friend says, "Hey man, slow down! You're going way too fast."

"Don't worry. My brother taught me how to drive. It's late and the roads are pretty empty."

The young man then blows through a red light without even slowing down. "What the hell?!" his friend says, "This is not cool."...

My brother fell into an upholstery machine.

It's okay. He's completely recovered.

What did the German boy say to his brother after their mom fell off a cliff?

Look Hans, no Ma!

What’s Denise’s brother’s name?

DeNephew

I was in bed with this redneck girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room...

....and boy was he mad.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at my buddy's bachelor party, when him and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid. "Drink it!" they said giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realized the prank the bastards were trying to pull...

Budweiser

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young boy and his brother decide to swear.

One morning, a young boy and his little brother wake up and decide today is the day they swear in front of their parents. So the oldest says, “When I go downstairs, I’ll swear first and then you after me, okay?

They walk down to the kitchen for breakfast and their mother asks,
“What would...

A tale of two brothers

There were two dwarfs who decided to visit the city one night. They were twin brothers from a remote country town, and had decided to go out and celebrate their 21st birthday.

After some drinks and a nice dinner out, they were walking to the bus stop to go home, when they passed by a brothel....

Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!

This month, lunch is on me :)

Two guys are drinking in a bar and one says, "Man, I've really had it with my brother in law."

The 2nd guy asks what happened, and the 1st guy tells him, "He had to go to jail last night and he went nuts. He fought, kicked, screamed, and flung a handful of feces on the wall." The 2nd guy says, "Man he really sounds like a piece of work." The 1st guy says, "Yeah, that's the last time we invite...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a 6 year old and a 4 year old brother. It was the 6 year olds birthday that day. They wake up in the morning and...

The 6 year old says to his younger brother “Hey, I think today is the day we start using swear words around Mom. After all I’m 6 now.”

The younger brother starts getting excited and says, “Ok! What swear words should we use?!”

The older brother replies with, “I’m going to say hell, and...

I came home to find my little brother putting cake frosting on his elbow.

When I asked him why he said, "I told mom that my elbow hurt and she asked me if I tried icing it".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Brother: Stop eating all the carrots.

Me: I like Carrots

Brother: I like pussy but I don't eat it all the time

Me: You can't like something you've never tried

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last week I fucked my sister in law

This week I fucked my brother in geography

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump and The Queen

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and he asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...