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Brother Jokes

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

I got a PS5 for my brother.

Best trade ever.

I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.

I don't know why, but they seem shady.

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Two brothers are in their room one morning. The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

illy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good morning boys, what would ya'll like for breakfast?"

Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, "Ah hell mom, make it che...

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brotherā€¦

Sudden Lee

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*

Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself

Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

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From my 13 year old brother: I had to pause my game today to take a massive poop...

It was the Call of Doodie.

My brother who has a stutter is in prison.

Itā€™s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

So my twin brother called me from prison

He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"

I never wanted to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker

but when I got home, all the signs were there.

My parents named me after my older brother.

And before my younger brother.

My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt.

Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."

So I took off her skirt.

Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."

So I took off her bra and panties.

Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

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I have more sexual partners than my brother.

But he is one of the better ones.

Today, I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother, Broco Lee.

I met a few of his cousins too;

The one who can't take a joke, Serious Lee.

The one is always there last minute, Sudden Lee.

The one who doesn't understand Metaphors, Literal Lee.

The one who is always throwing shade, Sarcastic Lee.

The one who is so sure of himsel...

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ā€˜here comes the trainā€™, and we always used to eat it straight away

Otherwise she wouldnā€™t untie us from the tracks

When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?

His name is Tim

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My brother got kicked out of his house by his wife for measuring his penis.

For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips...

"Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

I told my brother, "My wife ran off yesterday with my best friend Joe."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then said. "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

I was in bed with this redneck girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room...

....and boy was he mad.

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the dentist and his brother

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of

actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells h...

I once told someone I had a half brother

They said ā€œOh different mother or different father?ā€ And I said ā€œNiether, there was a shark attackā€

At the zoo, a kid says to his mother: "mom, look, look, that monkey looks really like my brother".

His mother looked at him and said calmly : "Lower your voice, don't say that, he can hear you".

The kid replied: "Don't worry mom, monkeys don't understand our language".

A Frenchman, an Italian and a Russian all end up in hell. The Frenchman begs to make one last call home to see how his family is coping. The devil says fine, itā€™ll cost you an extra thousand years in the flames. The Frenchman agrees, and tearfully listens to his wife doing his brother.

The Italian begs to call home to see how his daughters are doing. Thatā€™ll be an extra thousand years in the flaming pit, says the devil. So be it, says the Italian, and weeps as he listens to his children selling the farm.


Now I want to call home, says the Russian, and grabs the receiv...

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

I got my brother really good earlier today.

We were packing up for an early morning fishing trip and I told him to turn the light on in the garage.

He looked at it and he said "It's already on."

I looked at him and said "It's not on enough."

He said "What? It's on!"

I said "More on".

He said, "It's an on/of...

My brother compared religion to ghosts, which I thought was quite disrespectful.

Ghosts never started a war.

My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

Today i have met the vegetarian brother of Bruce Lee

Brocco Lee

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Everyone knows the story of Achilles, but no one remembers his twin brother Bophadese.

Their mother Thetis, dunked them both into the River Styx to make them immortal. She held Achilles by the heel and Bophades by the testicles, and while everyone has heard of Achilles Heel, very few are familiar with Bophades Nuts.

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians

So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

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My brother got fired from his job because he had sex with one of his patients...

its a real shame as he was a great veterinarian

My brother is always grumpy at breakfast, I'm always happy at funerals

He's not a morning person, I'm not a mourning person

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I walked in on my brother masturbating earlier.

He completely froze. After what seemed like an eternity he managed the words "Why the fuck are you masturbating?!"

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.

That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.

My little brother won a goldfish at the local fair. Sadly, the next morning he was floating dead in his little pond.

So now I have to look after the fish.

I asked my brother in North Korea how things were over there

He said, ā€œI canā€™t complainā€

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My little brother wanted to be treated like a prince...

...So I slit his throat while he was sleeping to ensure he didn't lay claim to my crown.

The last joke my brother made up, before he passed away this week.

Him: "If my name was Ella, and I married Darth Vader. My name would be Elevator". Stupid and corny, but it's exactly the kind of lame jokes he would make.

A joke my brother made up when he was 13...

Two men were marooned on an island with no food.

After a week, they are both starving. To solve the issue of hunger, one of the men suggests that they cut off each other's legs and eat them to survive.
The other man agrees.

The first man, after a bloody and gruesome struggle, saws...

My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar

Yeah, like I'm falling for that

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My brother was fired from a factory job for sticking his dick in the pipe cutter during his shifts.

They fired her at the same time, too.

What's the name of Obi Wan Kenobi's younger brother?

Obi Two Kenobi.

Grandad, why does my brother Robert live with you?

Well you see grandson, when you were a baby, your uncle Peter moved out and it was the first time in a long time that granny and I were all alone, we had some drinks, put on some music and Bob's your uncle.

My brother and I laugh at how Competitive we were as kids.

But I laugh more.

I will avenge the death of my brother! Who is with me?

Warrior: You have my axe!

Hunter: And my bow!

Necromancer: And your brother!

Did you hear about Danny Welbeck's bomb disposal expert brother.

Stan Welbeck.

Have you met Bruce Leeā€™s vegan brother?

Heā€™s called Broco Lee.

Here's an immature Christmas joke my older brother told me when we were kids...

It's Christmas eve and Santa is delivering presents. In one house, a young woman is waiting for him when he climbs down the chimney. She says to him "Santa, will you stay?" And he says "Ho ho ho, Santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you know". "Well, if I take off my gown will you stay?" and ...

What's the brother of USA?

USB

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother

Sudden Lee

Two Brothers Move to the City

There were two brothers who lived in the country.

One day they decided they wanted to move to the big city and get jobs there. When they got there they went to the employment office to ask for jobs.

The first brother went in for an interview and less than 10 minutes later he comes out ...

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3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

I caught my little brother...

I caught my little brother sniffing my girlfriend's panties today.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that I had been wearing them all week.

I had to take my brother to the hospital after a hornet landed on his face and it swelled up massively.

It didn't sting him, or anything. I was just a little too late with the shovel...

Elise heard her little brother sniffling in the next room, so she went over and asked him what was wrong.

ā€œIā€™m just having a bit of a cry sis,ā€ he said.

A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.

\-Hi Gary, how's everything going?

\-Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and...

\-Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I do...

So my brother just broke up with his game consoleā€¦.

Sheā€™s now his X-Box!

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My brother and I made a betā€” whoever lost our Scrabble game would have to eat a tray full of the tiles.

My next poop could spell disaster.

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I walked in on my brother masturbating

He yelled "Close the damn door, and stop playing with yourself!"

My mom kicked me out the house for tickling my little brothers feet

I knew I shouldā€™ve waited until he was born

My brother was bragging about being a baker...

But it didn't bother me at all.

I don't have anything to prove.

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My brother fell in dog crap, deer crap, cat crap, elephant crap and horse crap

He's been through a lot of shit

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One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"

So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"
Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said
"Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonnaise on me"!

Joke from my 9 year old brother- our dad is dead

Who would win in a fight? Our dad or a plate of spaghetti?
The spaghetti because dad PASTAway

My brother just threw a milk carton at me

How dairy.

My brother was recently involved in a chainsaw accident.

Now, my only remaining family is my two half brothers.

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There was a 6 year old and a 4 year old brother. It was the 6 year olds birthday that day. They wake up in the morning and...

The 6 year old says to his younger brother ā€œHey, I think today is the day we start using swear words around Mom. After all Iā€™m 6 now.ā€

The younger brother starts getting excited and says, ā€œOk! What swear words should we use?!ā€

The older brother replies with, ā€œIā€™m going to say hell, and...

Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother

For $10 worth of bitcoin

B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin?


T: I just want to start investing for college?


B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you.


T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for?


B: I gave you $15.43...

After years of wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, a young man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted.

"Yes, you were son," his mother said, as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back."

Singer Bill Withers had a brother called 'Bear'

Who wrote telephone hold music.

My brother and I used to fight in the pool until the day our mom told us to divide it in half and stay on our side.

I picked the top half.

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or com...

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A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!

This month, lunch is on me.

Did you know that Albert Einstein had a younger brother...

Yeah yeah he's called Frank and people say he's a real monster! It's really easy to make him laugh though, everyone has him in stitches

I'll never forget my first day working with my brother and my dad. My brother put his shovel in the dirt and my dad stepped in and said "You're doing it all wrong, you gotta let the tool do the work."

Then he handed the shovel to me.

My brother recently seen an ad on kijiji for a 42" TV.

Boy was he shocked when a crossdressing little person showed up at his door.

My Brother Said Science Is Better Than Mathematics

I Said "Prove It"

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My older brother told me ā€œgay meant happyā€

I still donā€™t understand the weird expressions people gave me when I told them, ā€œmy brother makes me gay.ā€

My brother and I got so bored, we started throwing spice jars at each other.

Then the thyme really flew.

Why was the violinistā€™s younger brother envious of him?

Because he was always second fiddle

My little brother is throwing a tantrum because we arenā€™t having German sausages for dinner

Heā€™s being such a brat

A sister decided to troll her younger brother by asking him when he's gonna get married

Sister : Do you ever wanna get married ?

Brother : No!

Sister : But why ?

Brother : Cuz you're my sister!

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his faeces on the wall.

I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brotherā€™s surprise party.

Thatā€™s when I realized he was her favourite twin.

My brother made this one!

Whatā€™s a snakeā€™s favourite subject at school?
Hisssss-tory!

Although some do enjoy maths tooā€¦ especially the adding!

Dad: "Your teenage brother will drive you to your mom's house tomorrow." Kid:"What about the baby?"

Dad: "The baby doesn't have a driver's license."

I was cleaning the toilet with my brother

He's still mad at me for not using a brush instead

How long did Cain beat his brother?

As long as he was Abel.

My brother is an immigration officer. He and I disagree on almost every topicā€¦

ā€¦But he usually sees where Iā€™m coming from.

My brother has a government job

He gets 42 cents per hour.

(6-year old brother gave me this one) Why do farts smell?

So that deaf people can enjoy them too!

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Three muscular brothers are sitting at a table in a bar

A drunk old man is sitting at the bar counter and drinking beer.

After he finishes his drink, he approaches the youngest brother and says,

"I fucked ya mum"

The young brother is disgusted at the old man's words, but silently looks at the floor as the old man heads back to the co...

Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked u...

My brother did one like that after a long string of pirate jokes.

"What's a pirate's favourite crime?"

"Arrrrson," I said, chuckling at my cleverness.

"You idiot," he replied, "it's obviously Piracy."

My brother always gets mad when I mess with his red wine

So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now he's sangria than ever...

My crush told me that I was like a brother to her while we were in the car...

We were driving to New York at the time, and about halfway up the east coast she told me I was like a brother to her. She was surprised when I proceeded to turn the car around and drive the other way without even acting phased. She asked "where are we going now?" My only answer was "Alabama."

Little Jimmy said to his big brother: "Look at this! On my juice box! It says it's made with 100% pure concrete!"

"No no no, Jimmy. Concentrate!"

"I am concentrating!"

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My brother has Tourrete's and it makes it very hard for him to find a job.

I feel so guilty because I'm the one who told him the worst word he could say was "fuck."

If I told him "hotdogs" was the worst he'd be working at Yankee Stadium.

My 8 year old brother came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke, this is how it went

Bro," what washes up on a tiny beach?"
Me," No idea."
Bro," a microwave."
Followed by about 2 seconds of me not getting it then laughing for a solid minute

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My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. [OC]

My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. Whenever we are walking in public and he sees a girl he likes, he always says, ā€œLook at that ass tho.ā€

After years of getting fed up with his comments, I decide to make him a sculpture for his birthday. I carved ...

My brother hates candles and he thinks they were created as part of a government conspiracy

He's an anti-waxer

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Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

Have you heard about Big Al's younger brother who was just average.

Have you heard about Big Al's younger brother who was just average.


I've heard he's Norm Al.

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I was born 20 minutes before my twin brother

But I set up my Reddit account a month before. So today is all mine fuckface.

Few people knew about Albert Einsteinā€™s older brother Frank

He was a total monster.

I live in a two-story apartment I own. My brother calls it my love glove.

Because that's a condom idiom.

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My brother asked me if I'd ever have sex with a woman in high heels.

"Probably not," I said, "because my balance isn't very good."

My brother, uncle, and cousin came to my family reunion in Alabama

To keep things simple, I call him "dad."

Boy: Mommy! I don't like my little brother!

Mom: Shut up and keep eating.

Alabama-Mom: "Tom, please call your brother and your dad for dinner."

Tom: "Joooohhhhnnnnyyyyyy"

A brother and sister

A brother and sister are sitting in a room when the brother asks:

The brother: hey I got a question

The sis: what is it?

The brother: whatā€™s it called when you create the topic sentence for an essay that outlines your argument and position and supporting details

Thesis:

Did you know that Chewbacca's brother Pannubacca died when Princess Leia's home planet was destroyed?

Pannub, as his friends called him, had never had much luck with the ladies and was horribly shy due to his terribly crooked teeth. After years of loneliness Pannub decided to do something about his problem and flew to Leia's planet, which everyone knows was well known for their excellent orthodontis...

A brother asks his sister why does she always have money but he doesn't?

The sister replies,"That's because I have a boyfriend and you have a girlfriend."

I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...

... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.

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He's My Brother!

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?ā€

ā€œEight,ā€ the boy replied.

The man continued, ā€œDo you know what these are used for?ā€<...

Why did my brother eat his homework?

Because my mother told him it was a piece of cake.

My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time.

He got a trophy.

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what a puppy say to his brother?

you son of a bitch

My brother told me to stop quoting The Village People

I said 'Young man.'

My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp,

Iā€™m not sure Iā€™ll be able look at him in the same light ever again.

Why did the brother octopi look so alike?

They were itentacle twins.

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, hereā€™s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

There's been an explosion at the paint factory where my brother works.

He's missing, presumed red.

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Brotherā€™s acting all high and mighty now that he has COVID

Thinks his shit donā€™t stink

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The good brother

A farmer and his wife are sitting out on the porch at the end of the day.

After a couple shots of moonshine, the farmer reaches over and grabs his wife's tit and says,"You know, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."

The wife reaches over, grabs the farmer's dick and sa...

How does Super Mario contact his brother?

With a Luigi board.

My brother told me he only buys shoes which are completely white

I can't believe I'm related to a white shoepremacist

My brother wanted to share his original joke with you guys so here we go...

You guys wanna see my invisible jet, well you canā€™t

My deaf brother

My deaf brother was using his hands to make signals.

It was almost as if he was trying to tell me something.

I rang my brothers house....

...and his six year old son, Billy, answered the phone.

"Hey Billy" I said "Is your Dad there?

"Yes" he answered is a whisper. "But he's busy."

"What about your Mum?" I said

"She's busy too", he replied, but again in a whisper I could barely hear.

"What are ...

My brother Joe started the Dolly Parton diet.

It really made Joe lean Joe lean Joe lean Joe lean

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