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Dad- Do you know what your brother said when he lost his virginity?

Son- Dad, please don't

Dad- Exactly

My brother who has a stutter is in prison.

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.

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Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat.



The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."



The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older ...

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

Got a phone call today from my twin brother who is in jail

He said “Hey do you remember how we always used to finish each others’ sentences?”

I met Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother today

His name is Brocko Lee

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

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President Trump met the Queen of England in her palace

Trump: “Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to prevent slow down in economy ?"


"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?" ...

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My brother Jacks off to a hot date tonight

Fuck I forgot the apostrophe

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In honor of my brother’s wedding today.

So there's a groom standing at the end of the aisle in the church waiting for his bride to walk down. He's got a huge smile on his face. His best man sees and says "I'm glad to see you're so happy!" The groom says, "of course I am I just got the best blow job of my life and I'm marrying the woman wh...

Three brothers, Marty, Jim, and Joe Sly, were apprehended robbing a small town bank after shooting the security guard. The judge sentenced them to death by hanging, but the people realized they didn't have a gallows...

They used a square box for the base, put a heavy pot on a raised platform and then tied the rope to it over a beam.

They then realized they wouldn't have enough wood for two similar structures until next week's shipment from the lumber mill, so they just built a man sized square out of the r...

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

If my good friend is my ‘brother from another mother’

Then my Mexican friend is my ‘relation from an adjacent nation’.

I’m a little sad that my old HP printer died on me today.

It was like a Brother to me.

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

What do you call your brothers daughters who have special powers?

Telekenieces

My twin brother always takes the stairs, but I prefer the elevator.

I guess....we are raised differently.

I inherited a bunch of comic books from my brother, but all of them had the last page missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

I asked my brother if there was any food left and he said "Only if you can time travel."

So I went back four seconds.

3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest

The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.”

The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later wit...

My brother said that onions are the only food that can make you cry.

I threw a coconut at his face

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My little brother Jimmy is such an ungrateful fuck.

I purchased a trampoline for him yesterday and all he’s done since is cry in his wheelchair.

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well this isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew...

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

My brother just threw a glass of milk at me

My brother just threw a glass of milk at me.

How dairy

Boris Johnson's brother Jo Johnson has quit

BoJo lost his BroJo

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

Boy: Mommy! I don't like my little brother!

Mom: Shut up and keep eating.

Four brothers moved to America, planning to learn English through immersion.

The first brother decided to learn by listening to the radio. He started on a classical/opera station and learned to sing, "Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!” The second brother jumped right in by getting a job at a restarunt and learned to say, "Forks and knives! Forks and knives!" The third brother, following t...

My brother and I were hanging out in a super trendy coffee shop when he farted, and suddenly a melee broke out.

All the hipsters started fighting over who heard it first.

I am in the hospital my younger brother swallowed a 16GB memory card and he is singing all songs in it.

I just pray it doesn't reach the video folder.

My brother-in-law died in prison because he was a mitochondriac.

He suffered from the mistaken belief that he was the powerhouse of the cell.

My brother is terrified of the elevators at work!

So we're taking steps to avoid them!

My brother in law’s name is Jim Titleist

Perhaps you’ve played with his balls

My brother told me that people think I am a untrusting pothead.

I highly doubt that.

BoJo’s brother quit being an MP today.

It’s a slightly disappointing end to JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure.

I was going to make a joke about incest to my brother...

But on second thought, it's really not appropriate for him to be hearing these kinds of things from his father.

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I walked in on my brother masturbating.

I started laughing, and said, "You masturbate with your finger up your arse!"

"Don't you?" he asked, shyly.

"No," I said. "And besides, I think you would have noticed."

Took my brother to the aquarium and threw him in the shark tank

He came back out with a $500,000 investment

(I know this is absolutely not funny but it came to me in a dream)

A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.

It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention.

He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit ...

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My father in law just accidentally ruined my brother in law's cigar by sitting on it

Close butt, no cigar

How much did Cain beat his brother?

As much as he was abel

Two brothers are arguing when their mother enters the room.

The mother says, ‘Why are you two arguing?’ One son answers, ‘We found a £10 and decided that whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.’
‘You should be ashamed of yourselves,’ says the mother. ‘When I was your ages I didn’t even know what a lie was.’ The boys look at eachother and reluctantl...

[NSFW] My Brother swallowed my SD Card

Please help me! My brother swallowed my 64GB sd card, he's been singing all the songs in it all night long, Im worried when he gets to the Videos.

My brother keeps saying that my friend Rick is 2 meters tall, but I KNOW he's closer to 6 feet.

He doesn't think I've metric.

My brother wanted to share his original joke with you guys so here we go...

You guys wanna see my invisible jet, well you can’t

Two Chinese brothers

come to New York in the seventies and open a disco. Sam Poo and Sam Pan, they do really well and the disco is a big hit.

After 10 years Sam Poo dies and goes to heaven, he has been in heaven a while when St Peter see's Sam Poo and asks whats wrong you look sad?

I am missing my brother...

Brother : Will u please kiss me... Only one time I wanna try it out

Sister : Well if u Incest .

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Three brothers are travelling by foot on a long, deserted road.

They see a farm. There are no hotels nearby, and they really don't want to sleep in the dirt, so they go in, find the farmer, give him five hundred bucks, and ask to spend the night. The farmer has two guest rooms in his house.
"Would you like to sleep together? I only have two rooms."
The br...

When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

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My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. [OC]

My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. Whenever we are walking in public and he sees a girl he likes, he always says, “Look at that ass tho.”

After years of getting fed up with his comments, I decide to make him a sculpture for his birthday. I carved ...

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a t...

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How can ya tell a girl in Alabama is still a virgin ?



She can out run her brother.

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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

My brother's girlfriend is vegan

I haven't met herbivore.

Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”

He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.

“ I j...

My brother is an absolute idiot

He has 3 daughters and they are Yvone, Yvtwo and Yvthree...

Send the Bill to my brother in law

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nun...

Q: Why don't robots have brothers?

A: Because they all have trans-sisters.


^^^thanks ^^^tumblr

My brother and I both went to the mall today.

We were both hanging around, having a nice time together. Then suddenly out of a blue, a guy came up to us, holding a lighter in his hand. He looked awfully fishy and he gave us a strange stare.


"Hey, boys. Ya mind if I ask ya a question?"


"What is it?" My brother asked, unper...

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

I asked my brother why he keeps his hair long

He said : well, I didn't like at first, but then it kind of *grew on me*

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My brother asked his friend Richard to step aside because he was walking very slowly

Now that's what I call a Dick move

I was talking to my brother yesterday

He is a grown man but still spends every single minute on a stupid videogame. He claims our old Nintendo Entertainment System is still the coolest thing in the world, mainly because we painted ours completely black for a better look.

Yesterday I visited my parents' house. My brother said the ...

Why did the robot deny having a brother?

Because he had trans-sisters

My little brother likes sirens so we took him to the police station to see some.

They tied him to a mast and set him asail the Aegean Sea.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

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One morning two brothers, 4 and 6, decide they are old enough to start cursing...

The younger asks his brother, "What should we say?"

"You say ass, and I'll say hell," replies the elder of the two.

Walking down stairs their mother asks them what they would like for breakfast.

"Oh hell," replies the elder, "I'll have some Cheerios."

Their mother loses ...

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One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.

He said to her, "If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle." The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, "If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." The wife grabbed her husband's penis and replied, "and if you firmed thi...

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Everyone likes his brother better, but one day this guy finds a magic lamp...

Genie: You get three wishes

Guy: Finally! something for me and not for my asshole brother Derek

Genie: Oh, Derek's your brother? that guy is so cool -I wish he'd rubbed the lamp instead- ... Tell you what, I'll give you whatever you wish for, but I'll double it for Derek. This is j...

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My Brother's Unfortunate Name

My hippie parents named my brother Zanus. I can never introduce or refer to him as "my brother, Zanus" in polite company.

Younger brother: "I want 5 Guys for lunch!"

Older brother: "There's a glory hole at the bus station."

Yesterday, my brother did 100m quicker than Usain Bolt.

No-one said it had to be horizontal rather than vertical.

Somebody stole my brother's antidepressants yesterday

I hope they're happy

My brother swears that he has to stay horizontal due to an ear infection and that it's therefore not unreasonable to expect me to cook all his meals.

I'm not sure whether I believe him though as he lies a lot.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition...

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful.


The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happen...

A brother and sister, and husband and wife, are sitting in the living room listening to the radio.

Suddenly, “Sweet Home Alabama” started playing. The two looked at each other and exclaimed, “Our song!”

My uncle told me I'm the favorite daughter of his brother

which is niece

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

A friend and I were travelling through Alabama when a guy threatened to get his Dad, Uncle and Brother to beat us up.

We were relieved when we found out they were all the same person.

One my dad taught me years ago, couldn't find it with a search so I thought I would share

So this girl is going on a ride with her good friend Louie who's known for being a pretty reckless driver, she has to hold on for dear life while he cruises through a red light and she chastises him for it. Louie isnt concerned though, he says "my brother Vinny does it all the time"

They co...

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There were 2 brothers, one who could see what animals were thinking but couldn't speak, the other could see what fellow humans were thinking and could speak

One day they get an idea, they would go around visiting people with pets, the one who could read animal minds would find anything the pet disliked about their life, then the one who could read human minds would read their brother's mind and inform the owner.

They both begin their business an...

So my brother's girlfriend was recently diagnosed with cancer, and when she told him, he proposed to her on the spot!

So see ladies, we guys can be spontaneous and romantic. We just don't like long term commitments.

A farmer's wife is making breakfast for her husband...

As she's serving his breakfast, he grabs her breast and tells her "if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows". Visibly upset, she continues cooking. A moment later he grabs his wife's crotch and tells her "if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens".

As the wife sit...

My brother who has been blind since birth wanted to tell you his joke

isjoehfsfhs ishenjenbue usjdf uiegfenrsaf fs;j fjpiefjseflitgeo piowe

What did the two brothers say when they were separated at a Western Australian airport?

We were separated at Perth.

Your boyfriend and brother are drowning and you can only save one, who do you save?

I’d save them both because they’re the same person!

I made fun of my brother getting a bald haircut

I turned around and saw the rest of the cancer patients staring at me

What's the name of Optimus Prime's brother who lives in South American jungle?

Amazon Prime.

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