Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here

Him: Knock, knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Idiot

Me: Idiot who?

Him: IDIOT YOU!!

He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this

EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet lov...

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly...

and as you can see, they were Wright.

My father was a conjoined twin so his brother was ...

My uncle on my fathers side

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

Why did Loki throw a tantrum when he couldn't find his brother during a game of hide and seek?

Because he was a Thor loser

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

Are you abel to kill your brother?

I bet you cain't

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[NSFW] Two brothers are lost in the jungle.

And they get captured by natives. The chief tells one of the brothers that he can do or have anything he wants (except leave) for the next 24 hours, after which he will be flayed alive and his skin tanned to make their canoes.

The brother has sex with all the beautiful women of the tribe and ...

I wanted to give my brother a gift for his 40th birthday that says “It’s all downhill from here.”

He told me not to, he already has a picture of me.

Just lost my brother today please make me laugh

Title says it all. My brother passed away this morning. Please make me laugh

I enjoy playing outside as a kid. My brother would roll me down the hill in an old tire.

Those were Goodyears.

What did the cartoon character say to his brother in law when he found out his wife was crazy?

You knew she was looney and a maniac...and you didn’t warn a brother?

My brother's still single on star wars day.

Apparently he's been looking for love in Alderaan places.

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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

The relationship between the Physics teacher and biology teacher in my brother's school didn't last long...

They had no chemistry et. al.

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My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.

He said: "Gil... remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"

You may not have heard about Thor's brother...

He's low key.

What did Vito Corleone's brother Frank say when rival fishermen sabotaged his gear?

"Look how they massacred my buoy!"

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The day before our family holiday my little brother locked himself in his bedroom.

I was worried, so I asked him what he was doing.



He said, "I'm packing."



"Fuck off," I replied. "It's only about four inches."

Three Irish brothers were traveling in the country and walk into a bar to have a beer.

They take a seat at the bar and as the bartender gives them their pints, he says, "Listen fellas, you're not from round here, so I need to warn you about Ugly Tom. He is a very large unit and angers quickly. But he is a bit self conscious because he doesn't have any ears. He comes in here each ni...

Today, my brother told me he'd hire a hitman to kill me.

As sad as it is, at least now I've got one person who cares about whether I'm alive.

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*

Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself

Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

My brother told me he’s starting a grooming service for pigs.

But I’m sure it’s hogwash

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." s...

If I could chose any Jonas brother to have lunch outside with . . .

. . . I would pick Nick

Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?

His name is Tim

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

An older gentleman orders three shots - one for him, and one for each of his brothers back home in Ireland.

He explains to the bartender "I had to move to America to help my wife care for her in-laws, and I miss my family back home. So I'm having a shot here for my brother Seamus, and another for my brother Michael." He downs the three shots, makes a little more small talk with the bartender, and heads ...

In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking weed while the parents left the house

I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)

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My brother has been staying with me for a couple weeks now, which has been awful.

My brother is crazy. Even my neighbors hate him. The other day I opened the door...I caught him masturbating. He looks me right in the eyes and goes, “Shut the door.”

I said, “Get inside.”


credit: Anthony Jeselnik

A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.

\-Hi Gary, how's everything going?

\-Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and...

\-Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I do...

Archimedes wasn't just known for inventing his many inventions. He's also considered to have invented the first insult when talking to his brother who was a cheese maker after discovering a early form of lindburger cheese....

He simply stated, You reeka!

Today my brother told me he was going to be a mom

It was a shock to hear, but I'm happy he can be transparent!

Barely anyone knows about Napoleon's younger brother

They were Bonaparte

At one point, a brother cell and sister cell were together as one being

They fought a lot and it was usually the sister cell who started it and the brother cell was very impatient.

One day the brother cell was very angry. He was very irritable. He was ready to take some drastic actions if anything tipped him over the edge.

The sister cell, noticing his v...

Women call my brother ugly until they find out how much he makes

Then they call him ugly and poor

My brother recently adopted a chimp

Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

My girlfriend's brother had a baby.

You want aunts? 'Cause that's how you get aunts.

Three years ago my brother came running down the stairs yelling “It’s a boy, it’s a boy!”

That’s the last time we visited Thailand

When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn't know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now.... I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to ...

My brother, decided to hang on a cliff.

Can’t wait to see the sequel.

If you really like a girl and you ask her out, and she says “I love you like a brother”

Suggest a weekend in Alabama.

Unless you are from Alabama, in which case she is your sister.

My little brother told me that onions and garlic are the only foods that make you cry

But why did he cry when i threw the coconut at his head?

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I caught my elder brother masturbating when I was a kid

He told me he's practicing Kung Fu.

I would never forget the day my primary school teacher asked in my class that who can perform Kung Fu.

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said:...

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My brother told me, my obsession with roosters is disturbing.

I told him there's nothing wrong with loving cocks.

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What do you call a girl from Alabama that can run faster than her brothers?

A virgin

My brother who has a stutter is in prison.

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party

That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.

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My friend inherited a parrot when his brother went abroad.

So, My friend inherited a parrot when his brother had to go abroad. But the parrot wont stop swearing at him, calling him a dumb f*ck, a c*nt, and a bunch of other names. My friend tries everything to get this bird to stop swearing. Nothing works. He finally gets fed up and sticks him in the freezer...

Three Chinese brothers emigrated to the U.S.

They were told to change their names, Bu, Chu, and Fu, into names sounding more familiar for American ears, so Bu became Buck, Chu became Chuck, and Fu went back to China.

As a kid i was really mean to my kid brother, i once convinced him to swallow a torch..

It was worth it just to see his little face light up..

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight" the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you u...

What’s the difference between The Rocketts and the Ringling Brothers Circus?

One has a cunning array of stunts

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The Three Rabbit Brothers

Once upon a time there were three rabbit brothers named Foot, Foot Foot, and Foot Foot Foot.

One day Foot, Foot Foot, and Foot Foot Foot were out in the meadow eating grass. Well Foot ended up eating some bad grass, so Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot took Foot to the hospital. The doctor said "I...

My brother is great in Russian roulette!

He only lost once

Two brothers own a painting company

They make their money by mixing paint with water, painting houses, and getting out of town before their clients realise what's wrong. They do this for years and make a financial killing. But one night, while they are painting a house, it starts to rain. The paint starts washing off of the wall as th...

My mom has a brother named Bob

All of my life I never understood why so many people felt they needed to tell me he's my uncle.

Ed, Sam, and Bill were brothers who were all doctors.

One day, Sam died.

At the funeral, Ed noticed the coffin was in the shape of a heart. So he asked Sam's wife why she chose such a coffin.

"Sam was a cardiologist," she replied, "I thought this was fitting."

Ed smiled wistfully, and Sam's wife asked why. "Well, I'm a gynecologi...

My lil brother wanted to make a herb bouquet.

My little brother wanted to make a herb bouquet for his school assignment. So i helped him to make it. It took us 5 hours to collect all kinds of herbs from our garden and made an amazing bouquet. But the next morning, when he had to go to school, the herbs were dried and ugly.

Turns out, al...

"Doc I need your help! My brother's crazy he thinks he's a chicken!"

Shocked, the doctor says "Why don't you turn him in?"

"I would but I need the eggs!"

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall.

I don't think we'll play Monopoly with him again.

I asked my brother if he could PLEASE stop playing Wonderwall on his new guitar.

He said "maybe".

The army and the navy were looking for new recruits, when two boll weevil brothers showed up.

The older brother had worked in Hollywood as the go-to guy whenever an insect was needed in a movie, while the other brother had never amounted to much.

The army recruited the older brother, while the navy recruited the younger brother. That day, the navy won a battle, while the army lost a b...

I wonder what my parents did before the internet

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either

My brother owns a bike company.

He has spent years building it from nothing and always looked down on me for wasting my life away making puns.
Out of sympathy, he offered me a job in public relations and says with the money I'd be making, I won't have to work after 40.

I told him no thanks. I know the spokesperson never...

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My brother moved to Dublin to start up a gym for eunuchs...

Yeah, he called it "Cockless and Muscles".

A warrior’s brother was killed

“By my sword, I shall have vengeance!”, says the warrior.

“And my bow.” Added the elf.

“And my axe.” Added the dwarf.

“And your dead brother.” Added the necromancer.

How long did Cain beat his brother?

As long as he was Abel too

Have you ever heard about Draculas vegan brother

Count Rucola?

My brother was trying to convince me that it’s harder to win an argument with a buffoon than it is with a reasonable person....

I told him that people who are intelligent are going to come back with strong counter argument and sound logic — making it difficult to stump them... And of course he came back with this notion that at the end of the day if a foolish person is too prideful to ever admit they’re wrong, they can just ...

I didn't really like my conjoined twin brother at first

But then he grew on me

A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?

Doctor: Denephew.

Yesterday I got an Xbox for my little brother.

Best trade ever!

What is the rapper name of Jay-Z's lazy brother?

Lay-Z

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An old Jew on his deathbed

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, ...

Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer has a little known brother.

Randolf the brown nosed reindeer,

he can run as fast as Rudolf, he just can't stop as quick.

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Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing....

Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning.

Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The olde...

What did the German boy say to his mother when he pushed his brother off a cliff?

Look mother, no Hans!

A moth walks into a gynecologist's office.

He sits down, put his legs in the stirrups and everything.


"Doc, I feel terrible. I think my wife is cheating on me. Sometimes I come home and I feel like I see other moths flying out the backyard.

I think my boy's on drugs. I found a lighter and some paper in his room the other...

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I thought I heard my brother jerking off in the room next-door.

I looked into the room and turns out he was just slapping his leg. What can I say, he's a master baiter.

"Mom, I don't like my brother anymore"

"Shut up and keep eating what I put on the table"

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The H...

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Billy and his girlfriend wanted to fool around in bed, but Billy's little brother was asleep in the bottom bunk...

Billy said, "Let's use a code, so if little Johnny wakes up, he doesn't know what's going on. If you want me to go harder, say 'Tomato,' and if you want me to go faster, say 'Lettuce.'"
So Billy and his girlfriend started having sex. Billy's girlfriend started moaning, "Lettuce.... Tomato...." An...

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My boyfriend has the same name as my brother.

So when we fuck and I scream his name, I remember my boyfriend.

What's the difference between my brother and my freezer

My freezer doesn't cry when I put my meat in it

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

I couldn’t believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there!

A pregnant woman is hit by a car

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,"...

The death of an adventurers brother..

An adventuring party hears of the murder of the fighter's brother.

\>Bard: I swear I will have revenge for my brother!

\>Warrior: You have my sword!

\>Ranger: You have my bow!

\> Necromancer: And your brother! \*whacks corpse on the table\*

My brother doesn’t like changes.

He has gone to a prom with a high-school senior girl already for a decade.

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Two Saudi brothers

Two Saudi brothers come to America and one buys a house on the west coast and the other on the east coast. They are so excited about being Americans and during their goodbyes they make a $10,000 bet: in two months they will meet again and the one that is the most American wins.

Two months pa...

My brother heard they call their mother some other name in the UK. He really wants to know what it is, but I’m not telling him to annoy him.

Mum’s the word.

A bird broke his younger brother’s wing

He was grounded

My brother was just fired from his job at the bank. A customer with a broken leg came in and asked if he could check his balance...

so he pushed him over.

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My brother was dating a Japanese woman for a while but was dumped today.

You could say that he was disoriented

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Two brothers, a 6-year-old and a 5-year-old, decide that today is the day they will learn how to swear..

The 6-year-old says, "I'm gonna say the word 'damn,' " and the 5-year-old replies with glee, "I'll say the word 'ass,' " and they giggle and wait for their opportunity. Mother calls for them to come down for breakfast. They run downstairs, into the kitchen, and jump on the stools.

"What woul...

So I stole a bunch of my brother’s socks.

After my brother found out, he put all of his socks on a very high shelf. Why did he do that? Well it’s beyond me.

Whats you father's occupation?

Asked the school secretary, filling in the forms at the start of the academic year. "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?' "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."

My African brother, fastuh dandelion died recently.

He wasn't faster than the lion.

Two young, slightly speech-impaired brothers decide to join a class that will teach them fencing.

After a good while in the class, these brothers were exceptional when it came to their offense. However, they noticed their instructor avoided all non-combative techniques.

One of the brothers, Phineas, decided he would confront the instructor on this issue. However, due to the previously men...

What did they call the Wright brothers after they flew away?

The left brothers

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Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat.



The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."



The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older ...

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

A brother asks his sister to marry him...

She replies, "if you incest".

Every year my uncle dresses as Santa Clause for me and my little brother.

Santa is coming really means something different in our family.

A bankers mother died recently and he contacted his socially isolated brother to see if he could help in any way.

Leave me a loan, the brother said.

My brother is an idiot. He's in hospital with a broken ankle because he tried gluing 3 cans of soda together and using them as stilts.

That'll teach him to get high on coke.

"This macaroni keeps sliding around my kitchen counter by itself, and I keep finding it at the foot of my bed at night", my brother told me.

"Man, this is some creepy pasta" I replied.

Grandma Letter

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.



She writes:



Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just com...

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