My father was a conjoined twin so I called his brother ...

My uncle on my father's side.

But then they were surgically separated, so now he's my uncle once removed.

A man goes to his younger brother’s wedding.

While at the wedding, he feels a little sad because he hasn’t had his own wedding yet, but his younger brother is already getting married.

At the wedding, he meets an old man who has a reputation of being pretty mean. When the old man sees the guy, he smirks and says,”When’s your turn?” The o...

How long did Cain beat his brother?

As long as he was abel.

My brother who has a stutter is in prison.

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.

One of my favorite jokes from my little brother

Him: Knock knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Mosq

Me: Mosq who?

Him: MOSQUITOOO!!

Him: Knock knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Anada

Me: Anada who?

Him: Anada MOSQUITOOO!!

Him: Knock knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Yet

Me: ...

Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here

Him: Knock, knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Idiot

Me: Idiot who?

Him: IDIOT YOU!!

He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this

EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet lov...

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that we never played Monopoly again.

What do you use to contact Mario's dead brother?

A Luigi board.

My little brother (5) told me a joke that I kind of had to share.

¨Hey, sis?¨

¨Yeah?¨

¨Can I tell you this new joke I learned?¨

¨Sure, go for it!¨

¨Knock, knock!¨

¨Who is there?¨

¨Knock knock..!¨

¨Who is there?¨

And that continued for about 2 more times. Until he asked me to come closer and whispered in my ea...

When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive...

It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

My crush: You know, you remind me alot of my brother.

[Pulling out]

Me: Excuse me, what?

My little brother just threw a milk carton at me,

How dairy.

Ever hear of Van Morrison's less talented younger brother?

Mini-Van Morrison

So my twin brother called me from prison.

He said, "So you know how we finish each other sentences?"

My brother said that onions are the only food that can make you cry.

I threw a coconut at his face

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Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing....

Two young brothers decide its time they start cussing. So one night the elder makes a plan, "this morning at breakfast, I'll say damn and you say fuck" the younger agrees and they go to bed eager for the next morning.

Breakfast time comes and their mother ask what they'd like to eat. The olde...

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.

That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin, not me.

My brother and I sell marijuana.

We keep out money in a joint account.

2 brothers open a weed shop.

It was a joint effort.

How did the Aussie tell his brother that his Dad phoned

Boomerang Bro.

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My brother said it's his lifes ambition to give a hand job to a plumber, an electrician, a carpenter and a builder.

Hes wants to be a jack off all trades

My brother is having regular intercourse with his best friend an is terrible at keeping it a secret from me

But he does his bestie

Have you met Post Malone's introvert brother?

Leave M'Alone

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[Long] Two brothers, a vegan and a carnivore, sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together with their family...

The father intones, "on this day of thanks, let us give thanks to God..."

The vegan brother interrupts..."I'm not eating the turkey..."

The carnivore brother replies, " that's fine, there's plenty of other food on the table."

The vegan then says " I'm not eating any of the stuff...

Got a phone call today from my twin brother who is in jail

He said “Hey do you remember how we always used to finish each others’ sentences?”

I was carving the Thanksgiving turkey and cut my hand. My not so bright brother-in-law ran over and grabbed the bloody wound with his fingers and started twisting it. I screamed “Ouch!! What the hell are you doing!”

He replied, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut”

A brother asks his sister to marry him...

She replies, "if you incest".

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

When I was a kid, my brother told me about the treasure in the bottom of the well.

I fell for it.

My twin brother always takes the stairs, but I prefer the elevator.

I guess....we are raised differently.

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Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat.



The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."



The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older ...

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

Once upon a time, three brothers named...

Fart, Shut Up, and Respect robbed a bank together. Fart was unlucky and got caught, so Shut Up and Respect decided to try to bail him out of jail. They went to the prison, but Respect was tired; he stayed in the car, so Shut Up went to talk to the guard. The guard said,
“What are you here for?” <...

My little brother just said my IQ is 0 and that he is 300,000 times smarter than me

300,000×0 = 0

I taught my brother how to make his own cheese and now he can't stop!

I created a muenster.

What was the name of the brother of reddit?

Bluedit

I got my brother a trampoline for his birthday

He just sat there, and cried in his wheelchair, like the ungrateful person he is.

I met Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother today

His name is Brocko Lee

It was the mid-1820’s when Phillip and his brother Terrance decided that they wanted to better their lives.

So the two brothers packed a wagon with everything they owned and started out from their small home in Missouri. The trail to Oregon was very tough and the relationship between the brothers was already stressed at best.

Phillip, being the older brother, was constantly very critical of his you...

Why did Bruce Lee's brother Earl make it to work before his shift began?

Because he's Earl Lee!

My brother has the hands of a surgeon...

And a pending trial for grievous bodily harm.

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Dad- Do you know what your brother said when he lost his virginity?

Son- Dad, please don't

Dad- Exactly

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My brother Jacks off to a hot date tonight

Fuck I forgot the apostrophe

My brother keeps bragging about having an inside man.

I'm not sure whether to call the FBI on him or congratulate him on coming out of the closet.

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Two young brothers decide they're old enough to start cussing.

They decided that they could say "damn" and "ass". The next morning, their mom asked what what they wanted for breakfast.

7 year-old: I want some damn cheerios.

His mom gets mad, spanks him, and sends him to his room. When she was finished, she asked the other what he wanted.

5...

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In honor of my brother’s wedding today.

So there's a groom standing at the end of the aisle in the church waiting for his bride to walk down. He's got a huge smile on his face. His best man sees and says "I'm glad to see you're so happy!" The groom says, "of course I am I just got the best blow job of my life and I'm marrying the woman wh...

3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest

The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.”

The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later wit...

I remember the last thing my brother said before he kicked that bucket.

He said I'm gonna kick this bucket.

TIL Tom Petty had a brother that owned his own nail salon

Manny Petty

A family with three brothers...

So, feather asked his mom:

“Mom, why is my name Feather”
“Because when you were born, I was holding you on my lap and a feather fell in your forehead!” Answered the mom.

A few days later, Drop asked his mom:

“Why is my name Drop, mom?”
“Because when you were born, I was ho...

Bob’s brother died so he went to the funeral director to make arrangements. She said, “To customize the experience please tell me what your brother enjoyed in life.” Bob said, “He liked getting BJ’s and smoking weed.”

The funeral director said, “Well . . . I guess a headstone would be appropriate.”

My brother asked me "what does procrastination mean?"

I said "I'll tell ya tomorrow"

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My little brother Jimmy is such an ungrateful fuck.

I purchased a trampoline for him yesterday and all he’s done since is cry in his wheelchair.

A man decided to become a monk

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has be...

My brother has Aspergers. When you give him a Rubik's cube it takes him like 12 seconds to...

... say “Thank you“.

I inherited a bunch of comic books from my brother, but all of them had the last page missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

I am in the hospital my younger brother swallowed a 16GB memory card and he is singing all songs in it.

I just pray it doesn't reach the video folder.

A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.

It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention.

He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit ...

My brother tried to argue that earthquakes are much worse than volcanoes because volcanoes are cool.

I shook my head and told him his argument is on shaky ground.

I asked my brother if there was any food left and he said "Only if you can time travel."

So I went back four seconds.

When I professed my love to a female friend she told me she loved me like a brother...

We are from the south so things are going good.

What do you call your brothers daughters who have special powers?

Telekenieces

Boy: Mommy! I don't like my little brother!

Mom: Shut up and keep eating.

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

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My little brother made this joke up when he was about 10: Although Japanese people used to wear kimonos...

Nowadays you often see them wearing Ja-pants.

My brother was in the kitchen when the pot was knocked over.

It was a joint dislocation.

Boris Johnson's brother Jo Johnson has quit

BoJo lost his BroJo

My brother wanted to share his original joke with you guys so here we go...

You guys wanna see my invisible jet, well you can’t

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

My brother's girlfriend is vegan

I haven't met herbivore.

My brother is terrified of the elevators at work!

So we're taking steps to avoid them!

Four brothers moved to America, planning to learn English through immersion.

The first brother decided to learn by listening to the radio. He started on a classical/opera station and learned to sing, "Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!” The second brother jumped right in by getting a job at a restarunt and learned to say, "Forks and knives! Forks and knives!" The third brother, following t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my brother masturbating.

I started laughing, and said, "You masturbate with your finger up your arse!"

"Don't you?" he asked, shyly.

"No," I said. "And besides, I think you would have noticed."

My brother and I were hanging out in a super trendy coffee shop when he farted, and suddenly a melee broke out.

All the hipsters started fighting over who heard it first.

My brother-in-law died in prison because he was a mitochondriac.

He suffered from the mistaken belief that he was the powerhouse of the cell.

[NSFW] My Brother swallowed my SD Card

Please help me! My brother swallowed my 64GB sd card, he's been singing all the songs in it all night long, Im worried when he gets to the Videos.

I was going to make a joke about incest to my brother...

But on second thought, it's really not appropriate for him to be hearing these kinds of things from his father.

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My father in law just accidentally ruined my brother in law's cigar by sitting on it

Close butt, no cigar

BoJo’s brother quit being an MP today.

It’s a slightly disappointing end to JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure.

If my good friend is my ‘brother from another mother’

Then my Mexican friend is my ‘relation from an adjacent nation’.

My brother in law’s name is Jim Titleist

Perhaps you’ve played with his balls

Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.

I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.

My brother keeps saying that my friend Rick is 2 meters tall, but I KNOW he's closer to 6 feet.

He doesn't think I've metric.

Brother : Will u please kiss me... Only one time I wanna try it out

Sister : Well if u Incest .

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Three brothers are travelling by foot on a long, deserted road.

They see a farm. There are no hotels nearby, and they really don't want to sleep in the dirt, so they go in, find the farmer, give him five hundred bucks, and ask to spend the night. The farmer has two guest rooms in his house.
"Would you like to sleep together? I only have two rooms."
The br...

Took my brother to the aquarium and threw him in the shark tank

He came back out with a $500,000 investment

(I know this is absolutely not funny but it came to me in a dream)

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My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. [OC]

My brother has this really annoying habit of telling me about other girls butts. Whenever we are walking in public and he sees a girl he likes, he always says, “Look at that ass tho.”

After years of getting fed up with his comments, I decide to make him a sculpture for his birthday. I carved ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One morning two brothers, 4 and 6, decide they are old enough to start cursing...

The younger asks his brother, "What should we say?"

"You say ass, and I'll say hell," replies the elder of the two.

Walking down stairs their mother asks them what they would like for breakfast.

"Oh hell," replies the elder, "I'll have some Cheerios."

Their mother loses ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

Two Chinese brothers

come to New York in the seventies and open a disco. Sam Poo and Sam Pan, they do really well and the disco is a big hit.

After 10 years Sam Poo dies and goes to heaven, he has been in heaven a while when St Peter see's Sam Poo and asks whats wrong you look sad?

I am missing my brother...

My little brother likes sirens so we took him to the police station to see some.

They tied him to a mast and set him asail the Aegean Sea.

I took away my brothers asthma puffer

He's now in a coffin state

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness.

He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second and so on.

The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since ...

My brother is an absolute idiot

He has 3 daughters and they are Yvone, Yvtwo and Yvthree...

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WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

Two brothers are arguing when their mother enters the room.

The mother says, ‘Why are you two arguing?’ One son answers, ‘We found a £10 and decided that whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.’
‘You should be ashamed of yourselves,’ says the mother. ‘When I was your ages I didn’t even know what a lie was.’ The boys look at eachother and reluctantl...

Q: Why don't robots have brothers?

A: Because they all have trans-sisters.


^^^thanks ^^^tumblr

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My brother asked his friend Richard to step aside because he was walking very slowly

Now that's what I call a Dick move

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone likes his brother better, but one day this guy finds a magic lamp...

Genie: You get three wishes

Guy: Finally! something for me and not for my asshole brother Derek

Genie: Oh, Derek's your brother? that guy is so cool -I wish he'd rubbed the lamp instead- ... Tell you what, I'll give you whatever you wish for, but I'll double it for Derek. This is j...

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A farmer is lying in bed with his wife....

when he turns to her grabs her tits and says

"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".

Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".

She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says

"Honey...

An Uber is cruising down a boulevard when it runs a red light

“Hey!” the passenger shouts. “Be careful!”

“Don’t worry,” says the driver. “My brother does it all the time.”

He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, “Stop doing that!”

“I’m telling you, my brother does this all the time.”

They approach the next ...

I asked my brother why he keeps his hair long

He said : well, I didn't like at first, but then it kind of *grew on me*

Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”

He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.

“ I j...

Send the Bill to my brother in law

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nun...

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius,

But his brother Frank was a monster!

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition...

Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful.


The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happen...

My brother and I both went to the mall today.

We were both hanging around, having a nice time together. Then suddenly out of a blue, a guy came up to us, holding a lighter in his hand. He looked awfully fishy and he gave us a strange stare.


"Hey, boys. Ya mind if I ask ya a question?"


"What is it?" My brother asked, unper...

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

Why did the robot deny having a brother?

Because he had trans-sisters

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

President Trump met the Queen of England in her palace

Trump: “Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to prevent slow down in economy ?"


"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."


Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me are intelligent?" ...

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My Brother's Unfortunate Name

My hippie parents named my brother Zanus. I can never introduce or refer to him as "my brother, Zanus" in polite company.

I was talking to my brother yesterday

He is a grown man but still spends every single minute on a stupid videogame. He claims our old Nintendo Entertainment System is still the coolest thing in the world, mainly because we painted ours completely black for a better look.

Yesterday I visited my parents' house. My brother said the ...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked u...

My uncle told me I'm the favorite daughter of his brother

which is niece

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