My brother who stutters was sent to prison.

I feel bad knowing he will never complete his sentence.

what do you call 2 brothers from alabama

super smash bros



(i thought of this joke last week, i know its not that good, but at least i didnt steal it)

I got a PS5 for my brother.

Best trade ever.

My brother said he can't date someone without feet.

I guess he is lack-toes-intolerant.

My brother hasn't stopped staring through the window since the storm started

I suppose I should let him in

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

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From my 13 year old brother: I had to pause my game today to take a massive poop...

It was the Call of Doodie.

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Two brothers are in their room one morning. The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

illy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good morning boys, what would ya'll like for breakfast?"

Billy looks at his older brother, who smiles and throws his arm over the back rest and says, "Ah hell mom, make it che...

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

I met Bruce Lee's vegan brother today.

His name is Brocko Lee.

I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.

I don't know why, but they seem shady.

I told my brother, "My wife ran of with my best friend Joe yesterday."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then asked, "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

What is the name of Mao's funny brother?

Lmao

My Brother in law had a chat with a game warden once.

My brother in law was stopped by the game warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water; leaving a river well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

“Naw, my friend, I ain’t got no license. These here are my ...

Brother and sister Yu and So (long)

A young man named Yu and his sister So were involved in a terrible car accident. By some horrible coincidence they both developed amnesia from the accident. So’s amnesia was only partial, remembering much about herself but unable to remember important people in her life. Yu had it much worse, as he ...

The first time I smoked weed I was in the back of my brothers truck,

we drove around for miles laughing at the dumbest things.

It was a great time but I must have been really high because I don't have a brother.

My mother asked me to hand out invitations for my brothers surprise birthday party.

That's when I realised he was the favourite twin.

My brother, my sister, and myself pooled our money together

We treated our dad with this fish therapy where little fish nibble on the dead skin until it is gone.

It was money well spent, because it was much cheaper than a regular funeral.

Big brother is always watching

But can he see why kids love the taste of cinnamon toast crunch?!

Who was the skeptical man who dressed up as a woman to spy on the Wright Brothers initial flight test?

Mrs. Doubtflyer

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FACT: 24 astronauts AND the Wright Brothers were born in Ohio.

Something about that crappy state makes people want to flee the Earth.

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My brother-in-law is a cop. Yesterday he told me that the only way he'd let someone out of a DUI is if they'd give him a blowjob.

I said, "Hey asshole! You're *married* to my *sister!*


"Just give me the DUI..."


-Anthony Jeselnik

My brother recently got dysentery and kicked the bucket

That’s why we use a toilet, now.

I'm the same age as my younger brother.

He's 20 im 22

I have a half brother.

From mother or father?
No, chainsaws.

My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt.

Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."

So I took off her skirt.

Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."

So I took off her bra and panties.

Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

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My brother was pissed at me when he found out I mated his wife

He bet $100 she would beat me in a game of chess.

There were 3 brothers: Little Snowflake, Little Leaf, and Little Brick...

So one day Little Snowflake goes up to his mum and asks her:
- Why am I called like this?
- Because when you were born, a Snowflake fell on your forehead
So Lil' Snowie all excited goes up to his brothers and tells them that they should ask what about their names, so Little Leaf goes up to ...

My brother prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

I never wanted to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

My twin brother and I used to finish each other's sentences ...

but now he's in jail.

My brother went to prison after robbing a bank but the police never found the money.

He managed to get access to a cellphone and kept sending me cryptic messages about where he hid the money. Eventually, I found it. When my wife asked me how I found it, I explained:

“I followed the con-text clues.”

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What does a Japanese person say when their older brother crashes their car?

Oh, Nissan!

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Two brothers walk into a bar

"I'm sorry Seamus, you're barred from last time" said the barkeep, "but Patrick can come in."

So Patrick winks at his brother, and walks up to the bar alone.

"Two pints please". The barkeep pours him the beers, and Patrick takes them both outside, only to come back barely a minute la...

All the comic books I inherited from my older brother had their last pages missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

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A girl comes up to her stepdad and asks to borrow his car.

The stepdad denies her so she begs and begs and begs until finally the stepdad says, “fine, I’ll let you borrow the car if you drop on your knees and suck my dick.”

Disgusted, she turns around and goes back to her room.

30 mins later, she comes back to ask again because she really nee...

I'm starting to suspect I was cloned from my older brother

All my genes are hand-me-downs

*Adapted from a song by His Royal Weirdness

My brother just started taking a Klingon literature course

He says it has its prose and Khans

My parents named me after my older brother.

And before my younger brother.

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Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn’t'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I be...

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There's a little known legend about the Brothers Grimm: they wanted to write a story to rival The Ugly Duckling. For 'research' purposes, they bought a hundred ducks and released them into a cave..

..planning to return years later to document their behavior. Unfortunately both passed away before that, and the project was forgotten.


This information came to light hundreds of years later in 2>!XXX!<, during an investigation into strange quacking noises and numerous missing p...

I'm really worried about my brother's kleptomania condition.

I wish he'd take something for it.

My brother spilled apple juice on my laptop

It was a cider attack

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

my brother just came out of the closet

I still don’t understand how he untied himself?

My father was a conjoined twin. We called his brother my uncle on my father's side.

But since the operation, now he's my uncle once removed.

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Brother’s acting all high and mighty now that he has COVID

Thinks his shit don’t stink

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A man goes to confession (NSFW)

Man: Forgive me farher for what I have sinned.


Father: What did you do my child?


Man: I went to my sister in law's home. Just when I was leaving, it started raining and I had to stay there. We slept together.


Father: Pray to god my son for he is merciful.


...

For my first cake day, I would like to share a truly terrible joke I heard from my brother

On the day my friend discovered my reddit account he couldn't believe his eyes. How had I got so much karma? He didn't think it possible. Naturally, for days on end he asked and begged to know. I didn't want the magician to reveal his secrets, so for a while I simply didn't tell him. I thought he wo...

Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study.

His brother Frank was an absolute monster.

Why do people like Frieza’s brother more than him?

He’s Cooler

Mr Singh walks into a bar

_*Mr Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.*_

_*When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; ...

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Three muscular brothers are sitting at a table in a bar

A drunk old man is sitting at the bar counter and drinking beer.

After he finishes his drink, he approaches the youngest brother and says,

"I fucked ya mum"

The young brother is disgusted at the old man's words, but silently looks at the floor as the old man heads back to the co...

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

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My brother didn't cope well with going to jail.

He refused to eat or drink anything. He swore at everyone and covered his room with his own poop.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

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My brother called my hat gay

Well yeah, it spends almost all day on top of a guy

my brother and i are totally failing at reaching out to women's groups to let them know of new vaccine availability

not one response to our invitation to a johnson & johnson injection

Because it's my Cake Day, I'll tell you a cake joke my little brother (10) told me

It's a Dutch joke but I'll try to explain

So I had made a cake recently, and it just stood there on the table. So my little brother comes up to me and says; 'Kijk daar!' (Look over there) while pointing at the cake. So when I looked at it he says; 'haha je keek' (haha you looked)


<...

My wife asked me if she died would I re-marry?

I said no, I'd just go and live with my brother.

I asked her if she'd re-marry if I died.

She said no, she would just go and live with my brother too

Two Arkansas brothers decide they are going to do their patriotic duty and enlist in the military.

The first recruiter's office they come to is an Air Force recruiter. The two walk inside, and are greeted by the recruiter, " Gentleman, what can I do for you today? He asks.


One of the brothers speaks up. " My name is Darryl, and this is my brother Billy Ray. We would like to join up Sir...

A pregnant woman falls into a coma

After some months she wakes up in a hospital bed and as she gains consciousness she realises that her pregnancy belly is gone.

A doctor is standing next to her bed greeting her. "Hello, you have been in a coma for six months. But don't worry you are on good health and will be released soon!"<...

I am in the hospital because my cousin’s brother swallowed a 16gb memory card and he is singing all songs in it

Were hoping it doesn't reach video folder...

One from my little brother

My little brother and I were playing on the Xbox the other day and our game was really slow so he said, “why don’t we get it some shoes so it can run faster.”

Sorry

One day I convinced my brother to swallow a torch

It was worth it just to see his little face light up

Who is 6ix9ine's half brother?

3hree4our.5ive

Guys i just bought a 256GB iPhone 11, my brother dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 6 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

Me and my brother have quite the connection together

We're siamese twins



Note: I am actually not a siamese twin

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A poor Irish family

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

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This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

The once was a poor Irish farming family.

Their soil was so poor they mainly grew dirt. They also had a milk cow and what a cow it was. It gave a lot of milk and excellent milk it was. The family sold the milk to buy food and that's what kept them going.

One day the father came outside and saw the milk cow was dead. Not knowing what ...

My brother is a big believer in Flat Earth Theory

but he is starting to come around.

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Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

I finally hooked up with the girl who said, “You’re like a brother to me”.

I said, “Well, if you incest”.

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*

Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself

Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

I hear that Legolas from the Lord of the Rings had an older brother, but he died before Legolas was born.

His name was Legofirst.

My brother and I were fighting over a Mobius strip.

I said there's no reason to argue about this, we're both on the same side.

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Three Brothers

Three brothers all decide to get married on the same day. Following the ceremony they're in the bar discussing how many times each is going to have sex with their new wives that evening and they soon set a wager. The following morning around the breakfast table, obviously unable to discuss the wager...

A tree fell on my brother today, completely crushing his left side.

He’s all right.

My brother is illiterate

It was his 16th birthday party this past weekend, and boy was it awkward. He just couldn't read the room.

So my brother got an exorcism

Went fine until he fell arrears on the payments and got repossessed

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My brother-in-law told me this one. Get a chuckle from it every now and then.

"What do you call nuts on a wall?"
"I don't know?"
"Walnuts! What do you call nuts on your chest?"
"I don't know?"
"Chestnuts! Now what do you call nuts on your chin?"
"Uhh...chinnuts?"
"Nah, you can call 'em shit 'cause you got dick in ya mouth!"

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What is politics?

oldie but goldie...



A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Governmen...

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A warrior brave and his father the chief of the tribe are sitting around a campfire

The brave asks the chief, "Father, how is it that you came to name your children?"

The wise chieftain answers.

Son, each time one of my children were born, I would scoop the child into my arms and then run out of the teepee and the first thing I saw is what I would name my son or daugh...

My mom got upset at me for mercy killing my brother when we were playing Call of Duty

I don’t understand

He didn’t even struggle when I pressed the pillow over his face

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A man goes into his doctors after being assaulted by an elephant in the jungle.

As the man explains what happened in the jungle the doctor is confused.
"Well, I can't see any injuries on you, so what happened?"

The man responds
"Well you see Doc, the elephant knocked me down and.... Had his way with me.. I know it's bad but can you have a look for me?"

The d...

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Heard this from my brother....

Back story: We are both firefighters and brother is EMT.

Me: “Ah shoot, I hit my elbow, gosh it hurts.”

Brother: “I have some Tryactin in my truck.”

Me: “Do you think it will help?”

Brother: “Let’s see, (pauses)....”

Me: “Well...?”

Brother: “Try actin’ like ...

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My older brother regularly has sex with tramps

I think he may be a hobo-sexual

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My brother-in-law and I were fishing

Not having any luck when he told me to row faster. I rowed and rowed when all of a sudden both oars snapped right in half.

Stranded my brother-in-law said, "What now dipshit?"

"Don't worry. Somebody is going to come by." I answered.

Just then around a corner came an Englishman ...

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

My brother told me this yesterday: "I take a BMW back from school everyday"

"Huh?"

"Well, first I take the **bus** , then I take the **MRT** and finally I walk"

^(Not sure if y'all find this funny just wanted to share :>)

My brother works in the garage door business

I asked him how it is. He said it has its ups and downs.

He's really happy for the job, though. The opportunity was really an open door for him.

Apparently they've made him into their main salesperson, since he really knows how to close the deal.

I hope you found these puns to b...

My Devil worshipping brother just got a new row boat...

He christened it Sail Hatin'

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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous..

So my brother told me this joke. He said it is a nerd joke

What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick!
What’s blue and bad for your teeth?
The same brick moving really really fast.

Does R2-D2 have any brothers?

No, only Transistors.

Eric the Red's brother, Rudolf, was home gazing out his window.

He says to his wife: Looks bad out there. Looks like rain."

Rudolf's wife responds: "Are you sure dear?"

Rudolf answers back: "Trust me. Rudolf the Red knows rain dear."

My brothers always out clubbing, my parents are really worried about his health.

He's always had one foot in the rave.

After all these years I was finally able to hang my brother

s stocking on the mantle! Happy Holidays!

My brother died from standing on an old land mine.

At least he went out with a bang.

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Two brothers are in their room at night formulating a plan.

"I think we're old enough to start cussing," the older brother says. "Tomorrow morning, I'm going to say 'hell' and you're going to say 'ass', ok?" His younger brother agrees to the plan.

The boys go downstairs in the morning and their mom asks them what they would like for breakfast.
...

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Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

A brother cell and sister cell are walking down the street...

The sister cell accidentally steps on the brothers toe.

The brother cell says:
"Ouch! you stepped on Mitosis!"

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese

... and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Somewhere in Alabama:

\*siblings fighting\*

Brother: "OH YEAH, WELL I WANT A DIVORCE!"

A knight’s brother was slain in battle by monster

Knight: I will avenge the death of my brother!

Hunter: You have my bow!

Warrior: And my axe!

Mage: And my staff!

Necromancer: And your dead brother!

My brother Joe started the Dolly Parton diet.

It really made Joe lean Joe lean Joe lean Joe lean

If the love between men is referred to as "brotherly love," what do you call the love between women?

Scissorly love

A pair of Estranged brothers.

There once were two brothers born to a somewhat well off family. The younger one was exemplary. He always excelled in his classes, went to the best university in the country, and became a renowned lawyer. The older one was pretty average. He was the middle of his class, went to a local community col...

I just told my crush that I'm in love with her. She said that she sees me as her brother...

I'm just lucky she is from Alabama.

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Little Johnnys mother recently gave birth to his brother little jimmy

Now little johny is jealous of all the attention and the gifts that his new brother little Jimmy is getting from his parents and neighbors. Evil little johny decides to poison him

One night when his mother was sleeping, little johny took some poison and applied it to her breasts and lips so t...

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked...

A little boy was jealous that his new born brother was getting all the attention of his family now so he decided to put poison on his mom's nipples.

Two days later, the mailman, a neighbor and the pizza delivery guy were found dead.

Did you know Juan the horse has a brother named jamal?

Nothing really special, they're identical twins.

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal

My brother went outside and was blown away by what he found

I told him not to go out in the storm!

I tickled my brother the other day and got into trouble for it

My mom said that he has to be born before i can do that

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