My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."

So I took off her shirt.

Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."

So I took off her skirt.

Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."

So I took off her bra and panties.

Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his blonde brother and told him, 'Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and then send me the bill.'

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But when the $200.00 bills kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

'Well,' sa...

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Three muscular brothers are sitting at a table in a bar

A drunk old man is sitting at the bar counter and drinking beer.

After he finishes his drink, he approaches the youngest brother and says,

"I fucked ya mum"

The young brother is disgusted at the old man's words, but silently looks at the floor as the old man heads back to the co...

I never wanted to believe that my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

Three brothers aged 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

My brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer.

When he's not around, Dad now calls him "Chop Suey."

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Two Jamaican brothers are getting ready to attend their friend’s annual costume party. “Dante, we need to do better this year, we got to do better this year. We got to think of something extra special to wear!”

So Lamont and Dante take 3 hours coming up with the perfect costume to blow away the guests at the party. They’re determined to beat the annoying couple who took home last year’s prize as Tom and Jerry.

A while later, they arrive at Bob’s house, whose jaw hits the ground when he opens the fro...

My twin brother called me from jail

He started with, “So you know how we finish each other’s sentences?”

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

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A sixth grade boy named Timmy was in charge of taking his little brother to school..

A sixth grade boy named Timmy was in charge of taking his little brother to school for the first day of kindergarten. As Timmy got on the school bus, the bus driver stopped Timmy and said, "Timmy, who's that?" while pointing at his little brother.

"That's my little brother," said Timmy qui...

My Brother-in-law was addicted to the Hokey Pokey.

It was a rough couple of years but he eventually turned himself around.

Little Johnny goes to his mother and asks"mom did you say my baby brother is an angel?"

-Yes, he is

+Then why didn't he fly when I threw him out from the balcony?

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

I found out today that I have an identical twin brother. I got very emotional when we finally met.

I was beside myself.

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Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

So there are three brothers, one called “manners”, one called “trouble” and one called “shut up”

One day they were playing hide and seek and “shut up” was searching. He found manners very quickly so they searched for their brother.

They looked for hours and still couldn’t find him, so eventually they went to the police station.

“Manners” was shy so he stayed outside, but “shut up”...

I never argue with my brother for the front seat

Last time i called shotgun, he drew one

Son you're going to have a new brother

Son - omg does it mean mommy's....

Dad - No , we're giving you to another family

Cheers

A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly...

and as you can see, they were Wright.

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here

Him: Knock, knock

Me: Who's there?

Him: Idiot

Me: Idiot who?

Him: IDIOT YOU!!

He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this

EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet lov...

I just found out that Bruce Lee had a vegan brother

Broco Lee

I told my brother, "I went to the GPS repair shop for the first time ever."

How did you find it?" he asked.

I said, "With difficulty."

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

Why did the dyslexic kid push his brother out of the window?

He wanted to see Tim fly.

I finally realised that my parents favour my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

Why is Thor’s brother not as famous?

Because he’s rather low-key!

A boy is about to go on his first date, is worried about keeping the conversation flowing, and asks his older brother's advice

His older brother tells him to remember the 3 F's: Family, Food, and Filosophy; and to start ask questions about them.

On their date, there is a lull in the conversation and the boy decides to heed his brother's advice. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

"No," the girl replies.

"...

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There were once three brothers...

They loved to go hunting together. All season long they would get up at the crack of dawn to hunt deer in the woods. However, the youngest brother had chronic bowel issues. He would try to get his “business” done before they started their hunting, but sometimes he would have to take some time in the...

Brotherly love

My younger brother suffers from schizophrenia and hears voices in my head, he shared his experience with me.
So being a good brother I tried to console him, so I said " Don't worry you're not alone in this ".

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

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What is Democracy? A boy is asked at school as homework.

So the little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is democracy?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalist. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. Nanny is working at home for money, she's the w...

Sister: Did my brother come from heaven?

Mother: Yes.

Sister: Well, I don't blame the angels for chucking him out

You all know Albert Einstein, but did you know he had a brother

Named Frank.

SAD STORY: A little boy was so jealous of his newborn brother so that he put poison on the nipple of his mom.

The next day their driver died.

My brother told me that I don't have a sense of humor.

So I broke his spine

I enjoy playing outside as a kid. My brother would roll me down the hill in an old tire.

Those were Goodyears.

Asked my younger brother what his wish would be if he only got one...

He said he wanted his ping and FPS values to switch so he can actually play things instead of watching slideshows.

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Here’s a joke my little brother told me.

A man find out his wife of 3 years has been cheating on him so he hires an assassin to take her and her side piece out. The assassin agrees to the job no questions asked but let’s the man know that each bullet will cost him 5 grand but he never misses. The husband just wants his wife dead and agrees...

I live with my boyfriend and my brother

I live with my boyfriend and my brother, both of whom I love very much but in very different ways. The only thing they have in common is they’ve both shared a bath with me at some point in their lives. One was a very erotic experience and the other, he did a poo whilst we were still sat in. It ruine...

Einstein walks into an bar with his brother, Eduard, a frequenter of the bar.

Once in the bar, Eduard sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Einstein does too.
The English bartender sees Einstein and says 'Who're you? I haven't seen you here before."
Eduard, in broken English, responds "This is Albert Einstein. He is brother."
The bartender raises an eyebrow....

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Me and my little brother tested out a new lie dectector machine.

The lie detector only buzzes when a truth is told and does nothing else when a lie is told

My litlle brother was so exited and he wanted to try it out first. So I let him go. He told a truth saying "My favourite game is baseball!" and the detector buzzed. Then I said its my turn now. "No! On...

Two brothers and their donkeys

Two brothers argue on which of the two donkeys is theirs,
so the first man says, ” I’ll cut an ear off of my donkey and the donkey with only one ear will be mine you take the other one”. So they come to an agreement. At night the donkey with one ear looks at the other donkey with two ears in jea...

My brother and I often laugh at how competitive we are

I laugh more

Why did Loki throw a tantrum when he couldn't find his brother during a game of hide and seek?

Because he was a Thor loser

Little conversation between me and my younger brother.

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Him: I don't know

Me: To get to the idiot's house.

Me: Knock knock.

Him: Who's there?

Me: The chicken. \*runs away\*

Him: \*silence\*

Him: Oh, he must be here for my brother. Let me go fetch him.

2 brothers walk in to a bar and order 3 beers.

They each drink their beer and leave the last beer untouched, pay and leave.

They do this every day and one day the bartender asks why they never drink the third beer.

They say that they are 2 of 3 brothers and they promised each other that they would order a drink for each brother eve...

We went to visit my brother in hospital because he had crashed his motorbike into a tree and impaled himself onto a tree branch i asked the doctor "How is he?"...

The doctor said "He's not out of the woods yet"....

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( Nsfw )i am iraqi and ill translate a joke my brother told me plz dont mind the bad grammer

A guy who lives in the countryside one day went to the city and he saw how diffrent things are there
In the city he meet some people and one of them told him about blow jobs and how it happens
So after he went back he told his wife to feed the kids
She did
He told her to make the kid...

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy

so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

A woman is urgently rushed to hospital by her brother to give birth to twins.

In the hospital, she gives birth to a boy and a girl. She loses consciousness shortly after.


A few hours later, she wakes up with a doctor standing over her. She asks "Where are my children?"


The doctor replies "They're in the next room with your brother. He said you wouldn't m...

I tickled my brother's feet and got in trouble

The reason was because they said I had to wait for him to be born.

My father was a conjoined twin so his brother was ...

My uncle on my fathers side

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

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My asshole twin brother just called me from prison.

He said: "Gil... remember how we used to finish each other's sentences?"

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I think my brother is gambling somewhere in Nevada.

Vague guess.

The O'Leary brothers, Shamus and Liam, were known for their drinking.

One day they fancied a pint or two, but didn’t have a lot of money. Between them, they could only come up with $3.

Liam said, “Hang on, I have an idea.” He went next door to the butcher’s shop, and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said, “Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any mone...

What's the name of Erykah Badu's brother?

Yabada

I did the classic "I have a body in my freezer" joke to my younger brother.

I don't know what he thought of it, but he did seem rather cold.

Minutes ago , my brother ran out of the room with tears in his eyes shouting : it is a boy , it is a boy !

Dont go to Thailand , my worst trip so far !

Irish brothers

Paddy goes to his local and orders three beers and sits by himself, drinks all three and leaves. This continues for weeks and the barman is inquisitive...why do you do that Paddy? Paddy says he is one of three brothers and because they are separated they each follow the same ritual to have beers for...

There were three brothers Feather, Pillow and Brick.

One day Feather went to his mother and asked:
-Mom, why is my name Feather?
-Because when you were born and we brought you home from the hospital a feather fell on your head.
-she replied.

Next day Pillo asked the same question.
-Mom, why is my name Pillow?
-Because when you w...

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

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My brother works at a funeral home. He told me this joke.

One day a mortician is working on a recently deceased woman's body. He applies makeup to make her more life-like and retrieves a nice dress for her to wear for her upcoming funeral. He slides the dress over her but stops short when he notices a big shrimp is stuck in her private parts. He calls the ...

So my brother made a dad joke

I put my pants in the washing machine and forgot to take my headphones out of my pocket. After they were done washing my brother realized what I did, he asked me

"Is the sound cleaner now?"

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Why does everybody say Big Brother is watching everything you do and will inform on you?

It's Little Brother that does that shit.

My brother once promised to donate me his liver.

Turned out he was only kidneying me.

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I think my brother might be gay

That's what his boyfriend says anyway

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*

Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself

Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

Just lost my brother today please make me laugh

Title says it all. My brother passed away this morning. Please make me laugh

Why did thor have such a hard time accepting his brother was actually a frost giant?

He was loki racist

Are you abel to kill your brother?

I bet you cain't

Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?

His name is Tim

A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.

\-Hi Gary, how's everything going?

\-Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and...

\-Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I do...

Why did a brother tell a sister to go sit in the middle of the highway?

Because that’s where accidents belong.

My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I'm really looking forward to it.

I love a play on words.

My brother thought it would be funny to pretend to swallow a bullet, but it got stuck in his windpipe.

He was just choking a round.

My little brother doesn’t have knees anymore.

Apparently they meant kids knees instead of kidneys.

The relationship between the Physics teacher and biology teacher in my brother's school didn't last long...

They had no chemistry et. al.

What was Rasputin's troublemaking brother called?

Harassputin.





I'll see myself out.

My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.

I guess we are raised differently.

An older gentleman orders three shots - one for him, and one for each of his brothers back home in Ireland.

He explains to the bartender "I had to move to America to help my wife care for her in-laws, and I miss my family back home. So I'm having a shot here for my brother Seamus, and another for my brother Michael." He downs the three shots, makes a little more small talk with the bartender, and heads ...

Today, my brother told me he'd hire a hitman to kill me.

As sad as it is, at least now I've got one person who cares about whether I'm alive.

My brother who has a stutter is in prison.

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.

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[NSFW] Two brothers are lost in the jungle.

And they get captured by natives. The chief tells one of the brothers that he can do or have anything he wants (except leave) for the next 24 hours, after which he will be flayed alive and his skin tanned to make their canoes.

The brother has sex with all the beautiful women of the tribe and ...

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My brother told me a joke about spilled sewerage

It was a shit joke.

Brother Mark arrives at the monastery where he intends to devote his life to servitude to the Lord.

When he arrives, he discovers that the other brothers are creating new books by copying from previous copies.

So he asks Brother John, 'Do you ever proofread these copies against the original? How do you know that someone isn’t copying a mistake?

Brother John ponders this and decides, ...

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When I was a kid my brothers and I came downstairs for breakfast, my mom asked my youngest brother what he wanted to eat and he said “give me some goddamn fruit loops!” My mom flipped her lid and said get your butt back upstairs now!” And then asked my middle brother what he wanted and he said..

“I want some of those goddamn fruit loops!” Again my mom flips her lid and smacks my brother right in the mouth! She then glares at me and says “so now!, what do you want for breakfast?!” And I said “I sure as fuck don’t want any of those goddamn fruit loops!”

I wanted to give my brother a gift for his 40th birthday that says “It’s all downhill from here.”

He told me not to, he already has a picture of me.

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

My brother's still single on star wars day.

Apparently he's been looking for love in Alderaan places.

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

Three Irish brothers were traveling in the country and walk into a bar to have a beer.

They take a seat at the bar and as the bartender gives them their pints, he says, "Listen fellas, you're not from round here, so I need to warn you about Ugly Tom. He is a very large unit and angers quickly. But he is a bit self conscious because he doesn't have any ears. He comes in here each ni...

What did the cartoon character say to his brother in law when he found out his wife was crazy?

You knew she was looney and a maniac...and you didn’t warn a brother?

You may not have heard about Thor's brother...

He's low key.

10 years ago i wanted a brother

Can i give him back ?

There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together

They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?

He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.

After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?

He said: no, I stopped smoking.

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The day before our family holiday my little brother locked himself in his bedroom.

I was worried, so I asked him what he was doing.



He said, "I'm packing."



"Fuck off," I replied. "It's only about four inches."

What did Vito Corleone's brother Frank say when rival fishermen sabotaged his gear?

"Look how they massacred my buoy!"

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher Baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.'

So the preacher grabs hi...

If I could chose any Jonas brother to have lunch outside with . . .

. . . I would pick Nick

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." s...

In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking weed while the parents left the house

I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)

Brought my GF back to my place after a hot date...

The only problem is, my place was actually my parents place and I had to share a bunk bed with my little brother Timmy. My GF and I decided to make up code words as to not alert Timmy to what we were doing. Lettuce meant harder, tomato meant faster, and pickle meant I was ready to finish.

I h...

Barely anyone knows about Napoleon's younger brother

They were Bonaparte

My girlfriend's brother had a baby.

You want aunts? 'Cause that's how you get aunts.

Women call my brother ugly until they find out how much he makes

Then they call him ugly and poor

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party

That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.

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What the first joke my brother told me was.

Son: "Dad, there's a bully at school that calls me gay."

Dad:"Then hit him son."

Son: "I can't."

Dad:"Why?"

Son:"He's so... he's so.. cute."

My brother told me he’s starting a grooming service for pigs.

But I’m sure it’s hogwash

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My brother has been staying with me for a couple weeks now, which has been awful.

My brother is crazy. Even my neighbors hate him. The other day I opened the door...I caught him masturbating. He looks me right in the eyes and goes, “Shut the door.”

I said, “Get inside.”


credit: Anthony Jeselnik

My brother recently adopted a chimp

Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

Three years ago my brother came running down the stairs yelling “It’s a boy, it’s a boy!”

That’s the last time we visited Thailand

At one point, a brother cell and sister cell were together as one being

They fought a lot and it was usually the sister cell who started it and the brother cell was very impatient.

One day the brother cell was very angry. He was very irritable. He was ready to take some drastic actions if anything tipped him over the edge.

The sister cell, noticing his v...

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

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I caught my elder brother masturbating when I was a kid

He told me he's practicing Kung Fu.

I would never forget the day my primary school teacher asked in my class that who can perform Kung Fu.

Archimedes wasn't just known for inventing his many inventions. He's also considered to have invented the first insult when talking to his brother who was a cheese maker after discovering a early form of lindburger cheese....

He simply stated, You reeka!

Three Chinese brothers emigrated to the U.S.

They were told to change their names, Bu, Chu, and Fu, into names sounding more familiar for American ears, so Bu became Buck, Chu became Chuck, and Fu went back to China.

Today my brother told me he was going to be a mom

It was a shock to hear, but I'm happy he can be transparent!

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