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Offspring Jokes

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

Breaking: Dexter Holland from The Offspring has declared bankruptcy after pouring most of the band's savings into this week's lottery tickets.

He asked for a 13, but they drew a 31.

What do you call the offspring of snowmen?

Chilldren.

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After experiencing Nirvana during sex, but before you make The Offspring, what do you produce?

Pearl Jam.

What did Offspring of Groot said to him

I am Fruit!

Why did the lizard never have any offspring ?

Because it had an ereptile dysfunction.

Why cant people from alabama have any viable offspring?

They're all relatively screwed.

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There's a new horror movie out about the evil offspring of adult movie stars.

It's call Children of the Porn.

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Mother sharks and her offspring were swimming one day when they came upon a sinking ship.

Mother shark saw the humans abandoning ship. Once the ship sank, she instructed her offspring, "Follow my lead. We're going to swim in circles around the humans". The little sharks, their hunger already growing, were excited. One asked, "Can we eat them now?" Mother replied, "Not yet, dear. Just fol...

What does the buffalo father say, when his male offspring moves out?

Bison

What do you call snowmen’s offspring?

Chill dren.

Credits: snowmen.

What do you call the offspring of a elephant and a rhino?

Elephino

What do you call the offspring of a king and queen mattress?

An heir mattress...

Me: you better be glad your mother had my offspring Son: why

Cause your gonna go far kid

Some of my friends make The Offspring puns, some of them violently hate them

I guess I gotta keep em separated

Sir Isaac Newton was completely WRONG about apples

They don't fall to the ground because of gravity.

It's natural selection.

Trees that produce apples that fall upwards don't have offspring

Contender for worst joke of the day: What do you call the offspring of farm chickens?

Children of the Cornish Hens.

Would have been 'better' if I had remembered to write it correctly... (eye roll).

Was supposed to be: What do you call the evil offspring of farm chickens?

Ah well... that's why you don't write distracted. *Though, I just did*

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Which sex position produces the ugliest offspring?

I don't know, let's ask your mom.

Balding grizzles pass their genes to their offspring or...

Bare bears bear bare bears.

What would be the offspring of a vixen and a rooster?

A foxy chick.

They should name American Pharoah's first offspring "Regression to the Mean"

Because, you know, statistics.

I heard about this farmer who was feeding his cows marijuana so they would be happier and produce more offspring.

I can't recommend it because the steaks would be too high.

A lion offspring asked his dad "What is a world series?"

"I don't expect you to understand son, you are just a Cub"

It was to be the biggest scientific press conference of the decade.

Geneticist Rick Hallorann spoke to the crowds of reporters, camera flashes illuminating his face.

"The time has finally come for the first human cloning experiment to be performed," he began. "The technology for us to clone humans has been around since the eighties - but only now, after plent...

A woman once gave birth to 100 children

To avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately all of them except for #90 died at a very young age.

90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman. She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son. Unlike her ...

When an avocado and a duck mate, what sound does the offspring make?

Guac!

My wife wanted me to get a Vasectomy

Since we were both on our late 30 and we were not planning on having more children

I told her: “but what if 10-15 years from now something happens to you And I remarry with a much younger woman? She would want children wouldn’t she”?

Now I don’t need a Vasectomy, the kick was hard enou...

Yo Mamma soooo stupid ...

Her offspring doesn't even know how to finish a sen

What do you get when you cross a human being with a horrendous reality?

Suffering. You get suffering.

This isn't a joke, if you procreate you are gambling with someone else's wellbeing .

It doesn't matter how happy you may be, immense suffering exists.

Procreation inherently imposes a possibility of it occuring to the offspring, and it's beyond you...

Confusious once said…

Man who lay girl on bed spring, this spring…

Will get offspring, next spring.

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If a chicken and a duck laid an egg that hatched

Would the offspring be called a Cuck or a Dick

A farmer with a pet sheep has a serious problem...

The sheep is in heat and damaging the house. His daughter loves the sheep and he has no male sheep at all.
Considering the problem he decides on a solution and asks a young worker on his crew, who is a good lad but none too bright if he would be willing to “take care of” Bessie the sheep for $500...

A lot of people don’t know that Lisa Kudrow has a bachelor's degree in Biology

She was visiting an old school friend who was doing a research project on the genetics of rats and they were showing her their breeding pairs. “This is the Mama Rat A who has a gene sequence that makes her produce more young, and with her is the Papa Rat A who has a trait that causes him to sire un...

9 is enough.

Shortly after having her ninth baby, an Irish Catholic woman runs into her parish priest.


He congratulates her on the new offspring and says, "Nine children is certainly a full house."


"Well," she replies, "I don't know how I get pregnant so often. It must be something in the a...

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"

So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions: 1) No one can find out that I did this. 2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely. 3) I'm gonna need some time to come up ...

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Sex and vampires

The reason that sex with a vampire usually doesn't produce any offspring isn't because the sperm is dead, it's because the vampire can't come inside with out an invitation.


Thank you for coming to my HaunTed Talk

Two Ranchers make a deal.

One rancher has the largest bull in Texas and the second rancher has the best milking cow in the county. They decide to mate the two and split the offspring between them.

They lead the bull to the cow, but the cow walk away disinterested. The bull tries to mount the cow, but the cow walks aw...

A zoo has the most amazing gorilla specimen, but no mate for her...

They cannot find someone to satisfy this amazing female gorilla but cannot find any gorillas strong enough to withstand her.

Eventually they realize the janitor, Hank, is a very big, strong and hairy man. The zoo owner approaches him and says:
“Hey Hank, you know Lucy the gorilla? Woul...

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A frog goes into a bank to get a loan. The frog hops up on the counter and the lady at the counter introduces herself.

Mrs. Wack “Hello my names Mrs. wack what do you want today?”

Frog “ I want a loan”

Mrs. Wack “I don’t know if you can get a loan. You’re a frog. What’s your name?”

Frog “Kermit”

Mrs. Wack “You’re not Kermit the frog.”

Kermit “ No No No, I was named after him. My na...

A zoo purchased a female gorilla as their new start attraction.

However, she soon became very aggressive and very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined that the problem was she was in heat. With no male gorilla at the zoo, how could she be calmed down?

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Davi...

Captain Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise encountered an unknown alien craft

However, they proved to be friendly, and soon a dialog was reached. After discussing quite a few differences in culture, they came to reproduction.

One of the aliens said "Let me demonstrate" and a small swelling appeared on his arm. After a couple of minutes, the swelling became the form o...

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A zoo has the last gorilla of its kind and their worried that she may die soon

The owner is worried about a species going extinct on their watch but they can't find a compatible mate. They hired a scientist to try to find a compatible mate and finds that humans are the only surviving species that can successfully mate with the gorilla and produce viable offspring. After some t...

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A guy was sitting in a cafe

When suddenly a girl with a wild rainbow mohawk passed by. The guy stared at her and she caught him staring.

Girl: "what? Never tried anything wild?"

The guy just shook his head and says.

Guy: "no, i fucked a parrot once and im wondering if you were one of its offspring"

Two old trees stood tall looking at a young sapling growing nearby

One day, a strong oak tree and a fine beech tree were chatting when they noticed a small sapling growing nearby. The forest was a very competitive place. They both wanted this sapling to be their offspring but there was no way to tell from where they stood. The oak tree saw a woodpecker flying throu...

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In a small village church, the priest found a crying young woman...

She is sitting there alone all teary and sobbing. So the priest sits next to her and asks her what makes her so unhappy. The young woman replies: "I got married two years ago. I have been trying to conceive an offspring with my husband since, no success so far, though."

"Do not worry," the pr...

A white doctor in Africa

It's a white doctor in an african village. One day, a horde of African men came to his office and said:
" Doc, we respect you, but we saw that many women started having white babies!"
The doctor laughed and replied: "Oh no! it's not what you think it is! you see, in my ranch I have a lot of w...

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A young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandary.

.. He felt different yet.

.. couldn't figure why.

.. he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers.

.. He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name.

..

The chief answered in his typically poetic way.

.."When Red Deer R...

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Why Men Are Happier

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will e...

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There was a wealthy Jew who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.

He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.

So the father pla...

Where do dead penguins go? [long]

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?
Wonder no more!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life,...

Lost Chapter In Genesis

Adam had been moping around all day in the Garden of Eden and God finally said, "Adam, what's up with all this moping?"

Adam told God that he was lonely. God said He could fix that, no problem.

In short order he could make a partner for Adam, and she would be called a "woman."

G...

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Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

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Three men & their daughters at the pearly gates

Three men, each with an adult daughter, arrive at the gates of heaven. St Peter greets them, then says to the first man, "you cannot be granted access to heaven as you have devoted your whole life to the accumulation of wealth. You even named your daughter here Penny, and she has continued the famil...

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

  
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

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Four guys go golfing.

Four guys go golfing. One of them is held up in the country club with some accounts to settle, so he tells the others to start without him and he'll catch up.

The other three guys move on to the first hole and start talking about their kids.

The first man says, “I'm really proud of my ...

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

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