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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this wou...

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said, alarmed by the sound. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.

The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and get...

Why was the bride so quiet on her wedding night ?

She was taught never to talk with her mouth full

A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me at a bar last night.

On a completely unrelated note, I really suck at darts.

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A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her parents.

This is a German joke, but I think I found a way to translate it:

A girl wants to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents.
He knocks on the door and the parents together open the door and introduce themselves: "Hi, my name is Sarah and this is my husband Michael, nice to meet you!".
...

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A female fly is minding her own business…

A female fly is sitting on a piece of shit, minding her own business. A male fly comes along and asks “excuse me Miss, is this stool taken?”

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A wife asks her husband why he cheated

Husband: “Well she was lying there naked what was I supposed to do?”

Wife: “The fucking autopsy you idiot”

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.

She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?” So I took her to dinner and a movie...

Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

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A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed...

So I brought a world map and asked my wife to shoot a dart on it and wherever it lands, I will take her there for two weeks when pandemic ends.

It's her day 5 behind the fridge.

I asked this cute homeless girl if I could take her home with me.

She started crying after I walked off with her cardboard box.

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

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The maid told her mistress :"I think I deserve a raise"

Mistress : Give me reasons why you need a raise?"

Maid "I cook better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."

Mistress "Hmmm"

Maid "I clean the house better than you"

Mistress :" Who told that?"

Maid " Your husband did."
...

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For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. Th...

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her." "You mean 'than'."

"No."

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A pregnant woman is shot three times in her stomach

She recovers and finds out she is having triplets. A few months later she gives birth to two girls and one boy. She is delighted, but hopes the gunshots won’t affect her children.

Fast forward 13 years and one of her daughters comes to her and says “this morning when I was peeing a bullet...

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Woman comes home and tells her husband...

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headach...

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. (NSFW)

A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her seco...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter,...

A mom was cleaning her son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear & fetish mags.

She asked her husband: “What do we do?” Husband said: “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t spank him!"

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A young amish woman is in a carriage with her mother

She starts complaining to her mother about how cold her hands are.
Her mother says, “Put them between your legs, they’ll warm right up.”
She puts her hands between her thighs and they warm up.

Three days later she’s in a carriage with another person, and this man just won’t shut up abou...

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

A woman is arrested for beating her husband up with his guitar collection.

The judge asked "First offender?"

The wife answered "No. First a Gibson. Then a Fender"

If your wife ever asks you which of her friends you want to have a threesome with,....

Do not give two names!

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What did the pornstar say when she got home to her husband?

“You wouldn’t believe the fucking day I just had.”

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A friend was bragging to me that he was having sex with both a girl and her twin.I asked,how can you tell them apart?

He replied,her brother has a moustache!

A hooker said that she would do anything if I offered her $100…

Guess who’s getting his house repainted for $100?

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In her tinder profile she said she's 32 but also that she has the body of a 16 year old.

But when I asked if I could see a photo she said I need to wait till tomorrow as she is naked and doesn't want to go to the freezer in the basement when it's already so late.

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

How does a ghost woman scare her victims?

With her boooooobies


Sorry, wanted to share this awful pun-joke. It's amazing!

EDIT: Thanks for voting this up to hot! Have a lovely and scary Halloween!
Take care everyone!

Call a woman beautiful 1000 times, and she'll never remember. Call her fat one time, and she'll never forget. You know why?

Elephants never forget.

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little girl on her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.

The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, “Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?”

The judge says, “That is correct.”

“And does it mean that I can’t call a pig Ms. Harding?”

“No,” says the judge, “you are free to ca...

18 year old Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree.

Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door...

She heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'

The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get ...

I told my wife her new underwear was too tight and much too revealing.

She said to me “Wear your own, then”.

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My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on.

I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

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Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity.

He got it back.

My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.

With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having

A mother and her young daughter were visiting New York City.

The mother was trying to hail a cab when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asked "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that co...

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A blonde woman is speeding down an empty road when she’s pulled over by a blonde cop. The cop walks up to her window and asks for her driver’s license.

“Driver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.

“You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.

“Oh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectan...

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day"....

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Grade 3.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6.
...

My girlfriend lost a toe and i dumped her

I'm lack-toes intolerant

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My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel so i quickly turned the tv to a fishing channel. On her way out she said:

‘You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!’

A teacher asks her students a simple math question…

“There are 3 birds on a wire, one gets shot, how many are left?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, “there are none left, once the one bird was shot the other two flew away ”

Teacher tells Johnny he is wrong, but she likes the way he thinks.

Johnny then inquired, “may I ask you a qu...

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A little girl asks her Mom about the hair she is growing between her legs

The mom calmly replies , " The part where you are growing hair is called a monkey . Be proud that your monkey is growing hair"

This makes the little girl happy and she goes to her big sister and says , "My Monkey is growing hair."

This sister laughs and replies , " That is nothing ,...

I'm sure my wife liked the new refrigerator that I bought her for Christmas.

When she opened it her face lit up!

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset.

she screamed at me and said "what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.


So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites...

My wife spoke to me while staring into her mirror, she said 'I'm old, getting fat and look like I haven't slept for a week, I need a compliment'

I said 'Your eyesight is perfect'

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My ex has some problem with her vagina and has to go to a city in France to get treatment

Its Toulouse.

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing ‘Rimmel Vibrant Shades’ lipstick - she claims it “breaks too easily” and it “makes her breath smell”.

She gave the following statement:

“The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis”..

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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My wife accused me of being a Transvestite.

So I packed up all her shit and left.

“He gently slid her panties to the side

so he could fit the rest of the socks in her drawer.”

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised.

An elderly lady calls her neighbor and says,

"Please come over and help me. I have a puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's done?"

The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

He decides to go over and help ...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby

The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

My upstairs neighbor was yelling so loudly at her daughter...

...that I cleaned my room too and put on my pajamas.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for sleeping with her Grandmother

Turns out I can't have my Kate and Edith too.

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she sa...

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said "It's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" .

Thinking back, I really should have run but you don't get offers like that every day.

I told my wife I found another girl just to see her reaction

On the first day, I saw nothing, the same thing for the second and third day... Fortunately, I started seeing a little bit with my left eye on the fourth day.

A woman named Bechdel talked to her female friend

“How’s it going?” she asked. “I’m good.” her friend replied. And Bechdel was satisfied.

A cop is driving down the freeway when he looks over and spots a granny knitting whilst balancing the steering wheel with her knees

He pulls alongside the granny, and angrily shouts "pull over!"

The granny shouts back, "no, it's a scarf"

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I...

The teacher wants her students to express their love to their mothers, so she asks them to create a sentence with the phrase "There is only one mom"

Some innocent joke my father told me when I was a child. Not sure if this will make sense in english.

The teacher wants her students to express their love to their mother, so she asks them to create a sentence with the phrase "There is only one mom".

It's the first student's time, and ...

My wife isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

I don't even know when her birthday is!

My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

Why did the woman marry her gynecologist?

He checked a lot of boxes.

I gave my mother superglue instead of her lipstick.

She didn't even complain afterwards.

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A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher,

his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"

"About 4 days" she replies

"4 days?! Why did you wait until now to get help?"

...

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Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

My wife told me that before I come to bed, she'd like me to start the dishwasher, set the coffee maker, and bring her some water.

I said, "Ok, but I'm bound to forget one of those two things."

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners

The lady says, "Come Again!"

The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have yo...

The other day, my friend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead,

She still isn’t talking to me.

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An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

I think my family is racist



I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.”

“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “...

My wife got a new job at a vet clinic, and almost killed a dog her first day. (Oc)

But she’s getting better at euthanasia.

BB King's wife had a B tattooed on each of her cheeks for his birthday

She dropped her panties, turned around and bent over. "Surprise", she said. BB looked at her and asked "Who's Bob?"

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

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A girl says to her boyfriend…

Babe it’s ok, a tiny Dick isn’t really a big deal.. The boyfriend responds … “Ya but it would’ve been nice if you told me you had one at all before we started dating …”

An old woman is talking with a relative at her 4th husband's funeral

She says to the relative "he was a good man" the relative nodded she then said ya know I've been married for the 4th time and this is the last, the relative asked "what were your other husband's like" the woman said "my first husband was a banker, he was a hard working man". The relative asks "what ...

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My wife has an eccentric but harmless new habit. She started taking a fish to bed with her. It didn’t really bother me until last night.

When I suggested we have sex, she replied: “Not tonight, dear, I have a haddock.”

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

A woman gets a small tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh.

You hold your ear up to it, you can smell the ocean.

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A butler is cleaning one of the guest rooms in a mansion when the lady of the house walks in.

She fixes him with an imperious gaze and cocks one arm on her hip "Charles," she says, "take off my dress."



The butler swallows hard, but he knows his duty. He puts his hands on the buttons of her dress and starts to undo them, one by one. More and more skin is revealed until finally,...

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Came home last night to the wife watching master chef, I said to her why are you watching that you can’t cook

She replies back “well you watch porn”

I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was..

She said March 1st, So i walked round the room and asked her again...

A gorgeous young redhead on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

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I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink…

….and Michael had a penis.

My stalker just threatened to kill herself, if I didn't love her back.

It's really nice when problems resolves themselves like that.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

A buddy of mine has a wife in a coma but he refuses to call her a vegetable...

...he refers to her as his brussel spouse.

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A woman in her 40’s is checking out at the grocery store

The bagger, a good looking 18 yo guy, asks if she needs help to her car. She says, “yes, thank you.”

As they walk into the parking lot, she leans over to him and says, “you know - I’ve got an itchy pussy.”

The young guy replies, “ You’ll have to point it out ma’am. All these Asian car...

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a s...

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My sister was playing Truth or Dare with her friends. I listened from behind the door. The bottle landed on my sister and she said, "Truth." "When was the last time you had an orgasm?" her friend asked.

My sister replied, "A week ago."

I burst in through the door and yelled, "I knew you were faking it last night."

A brunette woman was walking along a set of railroad tracks, repeating to herself, "42, 42, 42. 42, 42, 42."

A blonde woman saw the brunette and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm just walking along a railroad track and saying 42, 42, 42," replied the brunette.

"Can I join you?"

"Sure."

So the two women walked along the track repeating, "42, 42, 42. 42, 42, 42."

Another bl...

I told my mom I wanted to have a potato pasta for dinner. Her response?

Gnocchi dokey.

I finally found my wife’s G-spot.

Turns out, it’s in her sister.

I work at a bank,one day a woman asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over

James Bond walks into a bar

He looks around, and takes a seat neat to a very attractive women.

He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks, "*Is your date running late?*"

"*No*", he replies, "*Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I...

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

A guy asked his sister what he can get her young daughter for Christmas.

She replied "anything Frozen".

So he got her a box of frozen fishsticks.

Wife donated her clothes for the suffering poor

Told her, 'if they fit your size, they can't be suffering too bad' ...

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As I slipped my two fingers slowly inside her hole, I could instantly feel it getting wetter and wetter

As I slid my fingers back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.

I thought to myself, "I really need a new fucking boat."

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Jill decides to take her husband Jack to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Jack! How ya doin'?"

Jill is puzzled and asks if he has been to this club before. "Oh no," says Jack. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Jack if he would like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
...

A Karen boards a flight to Paris and takes a seat in first class that is not hers.

The first flight attendant politely asked her to move to her seat in coach. The Karen smugly replied, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I please."

The second flight attendant approached her sternly and demanded that she move to coach to take her proper seat. The Karen shouted loudl...

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And did you bring something home for me?"

"Something, did I forget?" she asks.

"The Italian girl I asked ...

My wife has been missing for over a week.

The police said to be prepared for the worst. So I had to go to Goodwill to get all her clothes back.

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[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

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A woman is at home and hears someone knocking at her door

She goes to the door, opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door ag...

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

My wife thinks that I don't care for her relatives.

I told her that's not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.

So I said: "Ok, this isn't working out."

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son ...

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Why did the blonde womand have bruises around her belly button?

Because there are blonde guys as well.

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A young woman was struggling to have sex with her boyfriend.

After another night of failure, she calls her doctor to set up an appointment.

The receptionist listened to her story and says, "I can fit you in next week."

She replies, "That's what I told him, but I'd still like to talk to someone."

A wife asked her husband,If you got a million dollars as lottery and kidnappers kidnapped me and asked a ransom of million dollars, what would you do?

The husband said, I don't think I could get 2 jackpots on the same day.

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever ...

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

My last relationship ended because I didn't open the car door for her.

I swam up to the surface instead.

When my daughter Ria turned 4, she was so crazy with happiness, I took her to the doctor who said:

Euphoria

Yo mama so fat...

Yo mama so fat she has her own gravity

But she so ugly people are still repelled by her

What did the blonde woman say when the doctor told her she was pregnant?

How do you know it's mine?

A woman who worked at a glory hole was asked if she preferred some members over others. Her response?

All in all it's just another prick in the wall.

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Can the mods of this sub do a better job of monitoring who is allowed in here please?!

We have a new member, an elderly woman. She's been privately messaging people, sending them naked pictures of herself in nasty poses along with close ups of her unmentionables. She is offering an Iphone 11 in exchange for sexual favors. I am especially bothered because it turned out to be an Iphone ...

My girlfriend told me I couldn’t pull off a good vegetable pun and that I blow the punchline every time. I proved her wrong when I said..

I don’t carrot at all.

I told her I had 13 inches

She said “I find that hard to swallow”

A guy moves his mom into a nursing home, settles her in, and heads home

As she's sitting in her chair watching Golden Girls, she slumps over to the side and has a strange expression on her face.

Seeing this, one of the caretakers rushes over and props her back up.

Then, during Matlock, she slumps again and is promptly attended to.

During Wheel o...

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

Every time Frank went to his friend's house, he found his friend’s grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible.

“Why does your grandmother reads the Bible so much?” Frank asked his friend.

*"She’s cramming for her finals.”*

My wife said I remind her of the covid-19 vaccine

Its over in under a minute and feels like nothing

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One day a woman was checking her husband's phone.

One day a woman was checking her husband's phone.

There were three contacts of ladies saved in it, The Lady that is tender, The lady that is Amazing, and the lady of my dreams.

The wife called the lady that is tender and her husband's mother answered.

Then she called the lady th...

Never kiss your hunny when her nose is runny

you may think it's funny but it's snot

My wife asked me which one of her friends would I prefer for a threesome.

I was supposed to stop at one, it seems ..

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[NSFW] My girlfriend said I have to console her.

That Xbox didn't fit to her ass.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

My wife said she would leave me if I did not stop making jokes about her hysterectomy

I think it was an Ovaryaction if you ask me

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There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle.

Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name "Onestone".

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody ca...

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.

So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.

His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck! It tastes awful...

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

A teenager confesses to her mother

T: "I have decided to run away and elope with Marty the mail man"

M: "Oh, but honey he could be your father"

T: "I don't care, he loves me, age is just a number"

M: "Oh no, deary, I didn't mean it that way..."

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your Mummy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with her?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised ...

On our first date. Her: I really like men who plan ahead.

Me: That's why I drank 2 litres of pineapple juice today.

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

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There are four kinds of sex

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YO...

I was babysitting my brother's cat and he called to check on her

Me: She's dead

Brother: OMG, that's not how you break news to someone about a beloved pet!

Me: Then how?

Brother: You say: I am afraid I have some bad news. Your cat escaped, went outside, and started chasing a squirrel. The squirrel ran up onto the roof and the cat gave chase....

My wife went to the cinema with her friends

My wife went to the cinema with her friends last night and left me in charge of our two year old son.
She called me when she got there and said, "Is Jack ok?"
"He's absolutely fine," I replied, "He's in the bath at the moment, you've got nothing to worry about."
"Is he playing with his litt...

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