So i banged my 3rd cousin yesterday...

My buddy told me to stop counting them

My little cousin was showing off that he sleeps in a race car bed

Jokes on him I sleep in a real car

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like goin down on your cousin...

It tastes the same but it just ain't right

My wife left me after I slept with my third cousin

Guess the third time isn't a charm.

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

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This is an old joke my cousin told me. It never fails to make me smile :-)

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagno...

To our American cousins...

Its lift, not elevators.
Cash machine not ATM.
Hospital, not business.

In America you call people who marry their cousins hillbillys

In Europe we call them Royals

I asked my little cousin if he ate?

and this little boy said, "Nah I'm 6"

Einstein's second wife was his cousin ...

... so I guess sometimes love is relative.

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What do you call it when you catch peanut butter and jelly having sex but they find out that they're cousins?

Inbread.

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Man to therapist : "I just fucked my fourth cousin."

Therapist : "Is that a problem for you?"

Man : "The problem is that I'm counting."

Saw my cousin walking down the street

Her dog got its foot stuck in a drain. I asked her if she needed help dealing with it. She told me to flip off. What a ungrateful brat, I muttered while putting my gun in its holder.

My 8 year old cousin: " Why did the chicken cross the road?"

8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house.

Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.

8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock

Me: Who's there

8yo: The chicken.

So I banged my 3rd cousin the other day

I'm really surprised how I even managed to bang more than two of my cousins

Just a quick note to my American cousins. Voting is like driving a car....

'D' to go forward.

'R' to go reverse.

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My cousin just said this to me...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strang...

A Mexican man visits his cousin in the US

He wants to watch a baseball game; an integral part of American culture, he has heard. Unable to purchase a ticket, he scales the stadium facade and watches while clinging to the roof.

Afterwards, his cousin enquires about his experience.

“It was great!” He says. “Americans are so co...

What is Hello Kitty’s sick cousin’s name?

Bron-Kittys

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I once asked my cousin why he was gay

I couldn't get a straight answer

My cousin decided to try parkour, so he jumped off a single floor hotel. Anyway, to make a long story short

would've helped. Funeral's Thursday.

I asked my cousin how he feels about his birthday being 9/11...

He said it's great because everyone remembers it's his birthday.

They "never forget"

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My cousin got caught with his pants around his ankles in the supply closet at work

He said he really felt like a jerk.

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I accidentally made out with my 3rd cousin last night

The first two were pretty pissed when they found out.

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Late one night in the Adams family household Cousin Itt was feeling horny.

His mind could not stop thinking about how earlier that day he'd seen Morticia lounging by the pool. Her pale goth flesh, pert breasts and slender hips were too much for him to take so with a flourish he did the deed and in doing so shotgunned his seed all over his fur. I will clean it in the morn...

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

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My mom caught me making out with my 3rd cousin and she’s pissed...

I don’t know why though, she didn’t care about the first two.

Bruce Lee had a cousin who used to get beaten up a lot...

He was known as Bruise Lee.

Albert Einstein married his cousin Elsa

Even his marriage was relative.

I felt really bad after sleeping with my third cousin

So I stop counting.

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What do you call a guy who fucks his cousin on Halloween?

A pumpkin.

How about a blond joke. My cousin blond* was once asked at a restaurant if she wants her egg poached.

She promptly replied "isnt that illegal." True story too.

A joke my cousin told me when we were 8

There was a man in a job interview. The CEO of the company asks:

-Where do you used to work at?

-Oh, I was a monster hunter.

-But monsters don't exist!

-You're welcome

A Joke from my little cousin

What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up?


An Orangatangle!

Did ya hear about Donkey Kong’s Asian cousin, Viet Kong?

He specializes in Gorilla warfare

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

How did the Jewish onion greet his cousin?

Shallot.

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Kim Jong Un was sitting in his office wondering whom to irritate next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Kim!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Kim replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said ...

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The Red Indian with one testicle

There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone.'

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years & years of torment,Onestone finally cracked and said,

'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill him!'<...

A city lawyer goes to visit his farmer cousin in the country.

On arrival, he sees a pig with a wooden leg.

He asks his cousin, "What's the deal with that pig?"

The farmer replies, "Oh, he's special. When my daughter Susie was trapped in a burning barn, he ran in and saved her. And when my son Owen fell down a well, he came and got us and led us r...

Paddy had just arrived in New York from Ireland and was invited by one of his American cousins to go to his first baseball game.

Seated in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, he watched as a man swung a
stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag
down the line. Everyone stood up and yelled,
"Run, run!"
Then a second guy came up to the plate,
whacked the ball and started down toward the
white bag. Everyone sto...

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My cousin is a super hairy dude,

We used to nickname him Cousin "It" affectionately.

I remember chatting to him in our freshmen year trying to figure out what our dreams and aspirations were. Cousin It was a weird dude, he didn't really fit in most circles! He was always super quiet and didn't stand out much.
He was hell...

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

I just got an invitation to my cousin's wedding

They didn't give a dress code, but I've got to assume it's a black mask event

Just found out my stuttering cousin died in the prison

Damn... She couldn't even finish her sentence!

Apparently Darth Vader has a right-wing billionaire cousin

His name is Tax E. Vader

How do you circumcise a redneck?

Kick his cousin in the chin.

My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.

I think it's just a stage he's going through.

What do you get when you drop a piano on your cousin?

A flat relative

My cousins are like the letter K.

They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.

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Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin

Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin,
Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.?

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed".

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large mammary glands, the attraction...

Is it OK to sleep with a second cousin?

I say if the first one didn’t mind, go for it.

John gave his hillbilly cousin Billy a phonecard. "You can make calls with this ." John then went to get a drink.

In the corner of his eye, he noticed Billy whispering frantically into the card: "Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?"

A Russian, went to USA for an eye check up

The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know this guy, he’s my cousin.

I took my epileptic cousin to his first laser show.

He was literally shaking with excitement.

Sorry, I have to share this joke my little cousin said over thanksgiving break!

Him: “Hey what kind of dent do you get when you run into a Hippo?”

Me: “idk what”

Him: “A Hippo dent”

I’m not entirely sure if he knows how jokes work but hey he’s trying!

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What did Einstein discover staring at his cousin's cleavage?

The 'Theory of Relative- Titty.'

Broke up with my girlfriend today

It is ocol though, she said we can still be cousins.

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It’s Thanksgiving Day!

Little Johnny was so excited because family is coming over to celebrate but mom in dad were in their bedroom arguing.
Dad yells “you bitch!
Mom yells back “you bastard!” And stomps downstairs to the kitchen.

Johnny goes into their bedroom afterwards and asks, “Daddy, what does ‘bitch ...

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Husband on his death bed calls his wife and tells her, when I die make sure you marry my cousin.

Confused, the wife asks "why?".

"many years ago that bastard sold me a faulty car"...

My cousin lost his job at the watch factory last week...

He just stood around all day, making faces.

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The other day I had sex with my third cousin.

She was way better than the other two.

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

A little IDAHO HUMOR From John H. Hill

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,

and finally they got married, and had a little sweet

potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going...

Chewbacca's little cousin

Chewbacca's little cousin joined a group of his peers to compete in order to become co-pilot to one of the resistance's best pilots.

His little cousin went above the call of duty and wound up the best in the group.

What award did he receive?

Wookie of the year

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Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.

It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.

One time my cousin called me after a night of drinking...

"Hey man I just woke up in some desert and have no idea where I am! You gotta help me!"

I took a deep breath and said "Relax bud lets figure this out. Look around you what sort of things do you see?"

He told me it was pretty much all sand around him minus some rocks, mountains in the d...

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What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?

A redneck.

What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe?

Your Majesty.

A man in Alabama was arrested for murdering his wife, Sister and Cousin

He was charged with one count of murder

What's the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian cousin?

BrocoLee

What does your hot aunt and hot cousin have in common?

It's pretty relative

What do you call cousins who sleep together?

Nap kins

An old joke my cousin told me long ago.

Life is not a garden. Don’t be a ho.

Compassion

Sooo, my cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me ...

A guy wanted some help from the priest...

"So I did a big mistake priest." The guy quilting ,
"So this day I were sitting with my cousin , my uncle and my aunt......The light just went off ,My uncle and my aunt went down stairs and I did it with my cousin."
"Don't worry this sin shall be forgiven but don't do that again" the priest sa...

My cousin has dark hair. His wife is blonde. All four of their kids have light colored hair.

Genetically speaking, there's a 15 in 16 chance that she's cheating.

Redneck Algebra

First base with your second cousin three times on the fourth of July.

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A man went to a foreign country to study logic, After 5 years of studying and before he gets his degree

He asks his professor, what should I say when someone's asks me what did I study here?,
the professor tells him: I want to ask you a question: does your family have a chain in your house?
the man answers: yes,
then you have a dog, and a doghouse, and he is there to protect your big house, a...

What’s worse? Banging your cousin or your niece?

It’s all relative

I think my cousin has a crush on peanuts

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

Why are panthers so much stealthier than their jaguar and leopard cousins?

Because they're never spotted.

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So I heard that my cousin is gay.

Apparently in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.

My Cousin is really good at Russian roulette,

he only lost once.

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My 4 year old cousin told me this and I cracked up

Cousin: Knock knock

Me: Whose there?

Cousin: Weeneeda maka change butt

Me: Weeneeda make change butt who?

Cousin: Yes Michael, we need to make a change, but who? Who will be the first to stand up? We have burned through our resources leaving the planet cracked and bruised...

My cousin and his wife are a fastidious couple;

She’s fast, and he’s hideous!

What is the name of Haddaway's Russian cousin?

Vadislav

I have a Request for European Redditors, When my cousin Miles visits next year...

Please don't call him Kilometers.

It just doesn't translate.

So I caught my girl cheating again

This time I caught her doing it with my Dad and before that my brother like seriously. So I was wondering if anyone know how I can tell her I just want to be cousins.

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

What's the difference between a redneck and a texan?

Texans ride horses and rednecks ride their cousins

When my cousin was just a few months old, we discovered that he had an irrational fear of hair.

He just absolutely hated it. After a few years though, it started to grow on him.

I wanted to break up with my girlfriend

So I told her let's just be cousins.

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People have been saying that I look like my cousin

I used the man filter on my face and look the spitting image of my cousin.

I showed it to her and she's pissed off with me now.

What's the best part about banging your cousin?

It makes your sister jealous

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My cousin Jack was horse riding yesterday, and he wanted a break. But he couldn’t get down until the horse was satisfied

So I had to help my cousin Jack off his horse

My cousin got cancer 3 times..

and survived both of them!

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My cousin was hospitalized after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum

Doctors described his condition as stable.

My cousin lost his keys, and when he found them he went blind.

They were in the last place he looked.

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin...

I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them

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Why are people from Alabama okay with sex with a second cousin?

Because the first cousin was great!

My cousins once got married.

It was awkward - someone asked if I was family of the bride or groom.

I said, "Yes."

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A boy’s cousin was born without ears

The boy’s parents, fearing that he would offend his aunt and uncle, told him to never even say the word ear when they were visiting their relatives.

Later on, the family makes a trip to visit the newborn baby, and the mother makes sure to remind him not to mention his ears at all.
To their...

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I got my little 7-year-old cousin some money for his birthday

He looked at the two red, $50 bills in his hands (we’re Canadian), and...

**Cousin:** Wow! Is this American money?

**Me:** Oh, no! Wait a second... (pulls out American money from wallet) This is American money! It’s all green!

**Cousin:** Wow! How did you get this?

**Me:*...

Einstein walks into a bar with his favourite cousin

The barman says "Hi Albert, it's nice to see you both again, but how come we never see the rest of the family?"

Einstein responds "Well you know, with this special relative it's easier for me, if I invite general relatives it just gets too complicated"

My cousins initials are B.B.C

He likes to show it to everyone

I'm trying to convince my cousin not to bring a bomb to school.

He thinks it'd be a real blast.

When a dolphin hits his cousin, is it accidental

or on porpoise?

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My cousin tried to leave after talking shit about our dock on the lake.

I wasn't just going to let him dis a pier.

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My cousin Mordecai circumcises elephants

He says the pay is crap but the tips are big

Piggy bank in the refrigerator

My cousin always "borrows" money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy.

One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator.

Inside was this note: "Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen."

Walked in on my cousin pleasuring herself with a carrot today...

I was mad because I had planned on eating that later, now it’s just gonna taste like carrots..

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

My mom’s cousin just had quintuplets!

Looks like I’ll have five second-cousins. Too bad she’s an anti-vaxxer, they might turn out to be five-second cousins.

My cousin's allergic to shellfish, and I laughed as I told him I put shrimp in his soup.

You should've seen his reaction....

My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.

When they left...

My cousin said he "dips his pen into the company ink"

That carries some serious implications on the family farm.

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