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Cousin Jokes

My 8 year old cousin: " Why did the chicken cross the road?"

8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house.

Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.

8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock

Me: Who's there

8yo: The chicken.

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like goin down on your cousin...

It tastes the same but it just ain't right

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This is an old joke my cousin told me. It never fails to make me smile :-)

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagno...

In America you call people who marry their cousins hillbillys

In Europe we call them Royals

My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.

She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so s...

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?"

Then i told him "its a long story"

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A boy asks his mother, "Mommy, why is my cousin named Barry?"

"Well," says the mother, "your aunt Linda named her son Barry because she likes to eat berries."

"I see," says the boy. "And why is my other cousin named Stu?"

"Well", replies the mother, "you aunt Molly named her son Stu because she likes to eat stew."

"Very interesting. Why...

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My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that

Big Ben was a clock.

I had a cousin called Marco. Tragic story. He got lost in a crowded shopping mall. My aunt called and called for him

but of course she hadn't a hope of hearing him calling back.

Got my seven year old cousin to laugh at this one

What do you call a mailman who’s on fire?

Dead

My cousin's cross eyed girlfriend dumped him

We have a feeling she was seeing someone on the side

I bought my cousin, who is blind, a cheese grater last Christmas.

He said it's the most violent book his ever read.

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My cousin died while masturbating.

Apparently he had a fatal stroke.

Did you know Darth Vader’s cousin lives in Switzerland and drives a cab?

He’s called ‘Taxi Vader’

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Man to therapist : "I just fucked my fourth cousin."

Therapist : "Is that a problem for you?"

Man : "The problem is that I'm counting."

My cousin died recently in an accident at the bakery....

He always said he wanted me to be a baker too, he told me I was bread for baking. I never tried it because I wanted to do it for the right reasons, not just because I knead the dough... then I found out that he was killed... a new baker put too much yeast in a large batch of dough and it rose too mu...

My family was furious at me for not worrying about my cousin who got the left side of his body crushed by a boulder.

I knew he’d be all right.

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

A Scotsman goes to visit his Canadian cousin

They're out walking in the wilderness, when suddenly this huge moose walks past them. The Scotsman, having never seen one before, is astounded.

"What the bloody hell was that?" he asks.

"Oh, that?" the Canadian replies. "That's just one of our Canadian moose."

"Good God," the Sc...

How happy can your cousin make you?

Relatively happy.



Sorry.

My Friend Brought his cousin over to my house yesterday

He said “my cousin takes Everything literally.” So I tried not to say anything to him so nothing bad would happen, a few minutes after that I had to go to the store so I left my friend and his cousin at my house. When I got back everything was gone, including the cousin, but my friend was still ther...

Why did Lil Uzi Vert's cousin have to inform everyone in the neighborhood that he just moved?

Because his first name was Per

A Texan rancher gets visited by his cousin from California.

After some friendly catching up the cousin asks him, „if there were any quiet spots in the area where one might be able to smoke a blunt in peace“. The rancher answers „sure, you can go over there, near the cow pasture is a nice bench you can sit on“
His cousin thanks him and the rancher goes to ...

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My cousin was hospitalized after shoving 15 plastic horses up his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

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My Cousin was born with no eyelids. Later when he was circumcised, they used the foreskin to create eyelids for him.

Everything turned out fine......he's just a lil Cock eyed.

A Joke from my little cousin

What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up?


An Orangatangle!

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The other day I had sex with my third cousin.

She was way better than the other two.

My Siberian cousin was kidnapped while taking a selfie.

In Soviet Russia, pictures take you.

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

My brother, uncle, and cousin came to my family reunion in Alabama

To keep things simple, I call him "dad."

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I had sex with my third cousin.

My sister told me to stop counting.

I have an epileptic cousin.

His name? Julius Seizure

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin.

I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.

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Mickey mouse has a cousin who kisses everyone:

Hickey mouse.

Mickey mouse has a cousin who is a special teams player for the Miami Dolphins:
Kickey Mouse.

Mickey mouse has a cousin who loves performing cunnilingus:
Lickey Mouse.

Mickey mouse has a cousin who is very particular:
Pickey Mouse.

Mickey mouse has ...

A farmer is giving a tour of his farm to his cousin from the city.

They come upon a pig that has a peg-leg. The cousin asks what the story is behind the peg-leg pig. The farmer tells him "That there is a special pig! One day I was on my tractor and it overturned on me and I was pinned underneath it. I figured I was done for. Then that pig appeared out of nowhere an...

My cousin “I'm expecting twins!”

Me, “Finally two kids from the same man.”

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I had sex with my second cousin, and now it's really awkward

I should have learnt my lesson with the first one.

Two cousins go to the unemployment office.

They ask the first one what he does and he tells them “pilot”. They tell him they can get him a job immediately. They ask second cousin and he’s says “woodcutter” they tell him it may be difficult to place him because its not really a specialty. “Well you said you could get my cousin a job right awa...

How did the hillbilly find his cousin in the woods?

Pretty good.

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My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

Joke by my little cousin : Which Dino was the best in English?

The Saurus

My rich cousin's hummer-porschaghini (Long)

So I have this cousin who is absolutely loaded and he had this idea he would pay the best mechanic around to build him custom car.

He wanted the body of a Lamborghini, with the engine of a Porsche, and all the amazing features of an original hummer. He decided to call it the Hummer-porschagh...

My cousin told me it's totally safe to get a dental piercing

Turns out he was lying through his teeth.

My cousin told me this joke

J (cousin): Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: why did the chicken cross the road?

J: to get to the idiots house, knock knock

Me: who's there

J: the chicken

Me: oh you must be looking for my cousin, let me go get him for you.

J: silent from shock

I like my cousins like my ham

Inbred

My wife left me after I slept with my third cousin

Guess the third time isn't a charm.

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Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"

The word got arou...

What do you call Tinker Bells Mexican cousin?

Taco bell.

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I accidentally had sex with my French cousin...

Inc'est la vie.

How do you call Bruce Lee's vegan cousin?

Broco Lee

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The other night I ended up getting real drunk and having sex with my fourth cousin. I was so ashamed.

Cuz I remember after the first three I said I was done.

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

I threw a surprise birthday party for my blind cousin.

He never saw it coming.

I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold.

They left him hanging.

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[NSFW] A joke my cousin heard from an amateur comedian in a New York show

I was at an anti-police violence rally and somebody was shouting "Cops suck dick! Cops suck dick!" And I thought to myself... "Man, if cops did suck dick I'd be committing crimes all the time!"

Have you ever heard of Supermans powerless cousin?

Norm-El

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I had sex in an elevator, with my cousin....

It was wrong on so many levels

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

Einstein's second wife was his cousin ...

... so I guess sometimes love is relative.

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Cousin: "What are you doing in the bathroom?"

Me: "I'm losing my ass in a game of craps!"

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What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?

A redneck.

What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe?

Your Majesty.

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I accidentally made out with my 3rd cousin last night

The first two were pretty pissed when they found out.

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Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin

Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin,
Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.?

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed".

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large mammary glands, the attraction...

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Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.

It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

Last night, I went to a bar with my wife and cousin.

She ordered beer.

Everyone talks about the little Spanish flea, a record star he thought he'd be, but nobody talks about his cousin, the little Spanish tick.

He was a massive freaking prick.

A Mexican man visits his cousin in the US

He wants to watch a baseball game; an integral part of American culture, he has heard. Unable to purchase a ticket, he scales the stadium facade and watches while clinging to the roof.

Afterwards, his cousin enquires about his experience.

“It was great!” He says. “Americans are so co...

At my cousin's birthday party, I held up a photo of my uncle and said "It's amazing how you look just like your father did at 40!"

That's the last quinceañera I get invited to.

The Smith family is having a reunion.

The matriarch is a 110 year old woman who is confined to a wheelchair and cannot speak, so she uses a pen and notepad to communicate.

While watching her great grandchildren play, she begins to leeeaaan to the left. So cousin Joe lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her left side. Later she ...

A Kentucky farmer visits his farmer cousin in Ireland. The Irish farmer lives alone and the Kentucky Farmer asks how he avoids loneliness. Irish farmer says "The Sheep." "I could never!" replies the Kentucky Farmer. "Sure you could." The Irish farmer retorts...

"...Just pretend it's a chicken."

Our two granddaughters promised us to let their younger cousin Jimmy (a little boy) to be included in their play.

After a while I found the 2 girls playing house in their room but Jimmy was nowhere in sight. Glancing outside I found Jimmy sitting alone on the front step.

"I thought you were playing house with your cousins.

He answered, "I am. I'm the dog and the dog isn't allowed in the house!"

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I once asked my cousin why he was gay

I couldn't get a straight answer

My mother recently passed away, and my aunt and cousins are a bunch of reprobates.

Isn't that what you call them when they're trying to contest the will?

I am in the hospital because my cousin’s brother swallowed a 16gb memory card and he is singing all songs in it

Were hoping it doesn't reach video folder...

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Rig...

I remember the time my cousin completely lost it and threw a giant fit at her 12th birthday party. After she changed her outfit she was fine...

It was a post dramatic dress

Do you believe in life after death?

A Boss Asks his Employee: “Do you believe that there is Life After Death?”.

Employee: “Certainly not Sir, there’s no proof of it”.

Boss: “Well, there is.... After you left office early yesterday to go to your cousin’s funeral, he came here looking for you.”

I asked my cousin if business is booming.

He sells explosives.

My cousin is obsessed with football (soccer). So when I entered his room...

When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself...

That’s a Messi room.

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Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

Positivity

Was discussing the power of positivity with family members. Told them I could turn any situation into a positive one.
About a month later one of our cousins passed. He was a very heavy drinker & smoker. At the funeral another cousin came up to a group of us talking & said let’s see you t...

It’s No Nut November’s Muslim cousin time

Refrain Rub Ramadan

I questioned my sister and my cousin about any incest in the family

She didn’t know of any

I had a cousin who created a cold air balloon.

But it never took off

My cousin always introduces himself as "Stephen with a P-H"

It's because he's slightly acidic

Albert Einstein married his cousin Elsa

Even his marriage was relative.

My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.

I think it's just a stage he's going through.

Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin?

It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.

Sorry, I have to share this joke my little cousin said over thanksgiving break!

Him: “Hey what kind of dent do you get when you run into a Hippo?”

Me: “idk what”

Him: “A Hippo dent”

I’m not entirely sure if he knows how jokes work but hey he’s trying!

A joke my cousin told me when we were 8

There was a man in a job interview. The CEO of the company asks:

-Where do you used to work at?

-Oh, I was a monster hunter.

-But monsters don't exist!

-You're welcome

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My mom caught me making out with my 3rd cousin and she’s pissed...

I don’t know why though, she didn’t care about the first two.

Why do kissing cousins always win the canine cup?

... because they're best in-breed...

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What do you call a guy who fucks his cousin on Halloween?

A pumpkin.

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My cousin just said this to me...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strang...

My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.

When they left...

My cousins are like the letter K.

They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.

To our American cousins...

Its lift, not elevators.
Cash machine not ATM.
Hospital, not business.

Who is Macbeth's clean cousin?

Macbath

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

A man from Alabama goes out to dinner with his wife, his mother, and his cousin

He says, “table for two please”

A serial killer started kidnapping and killing all female cousins of his mother & father.

When arrested and asked for reasons, he said, “I just heard that you need Aunty-bodies to build immunity against Covid.”

My Cousin VS. My Aunt

My cousin is 28 and my aunt keeps pestering her about having a boyfriend because she wants grandchildren, my cousin keeps declining her because she already decided to be single for the rest of her life, this kept going on for months now and my cousin hasn't said anything until now...

Aunt: Yo...

My 5 y/o cousins joke :)

Him:Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Him: To get to the stupid persons house.
Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin*
Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Him: It's the chicken!

I fell right into the little tackers trap!

I asked my little cousin if he ate?

and this little boy said, "Nah I'm 6"

What's the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian cousin?

BrocoLee

My cousin has dark hair. His wife is blonde. All four of their kids have light colored hair.

Genetically speaking, there's a 15 in 16 chance that she's cheating.

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Husband on his death bed calls his wife and tells her, when I die make sure you marry my cousin.

Confused, the wife asks "why?".

"many years ago that bastard sold me a faulty car"...

His cousin

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

My cousin decided to try parkour, so he jumped off a single floor hotel. Anyway, to make a long story short

would've helped. Funeral's Thursday.

What is Hello Kitty’s sick cousin’s name?

Bron-Kittys

Just a quick note to my American cousins. Voting is like driving a car....

'D' to go forward.

'R' to go reverse.

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

What's the best part about banging your cousin?

It makes your sister jealous

Trump is Darth Vader's cousin!

Tax E. Vader.

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My cousin Jack was horse riding yesterday, and he wanted a break. But he couldn’t get down until the horse was satisfied

So I had to help my cousin Jack off his horse

Bruce Lee had a cousin who used to get beaten up a lot...

He was known as Bruise Lee.

When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag,

So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops

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