UPJOKE
uncleauntfirst cousinnephewbrotherrelativesistergrandsongranddaughterniecesonfathergrandfatherfamilystepson

My 8 year old cousin: " Why did the chicken cross the road?"

8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house.

Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.

8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock

Me: Who's there

8yo: The chicken.

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like goin down on your cousin...

It tastes the same but it just ain't right

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This is an old joke my cousin told me. It never fails to make me smile :-)

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagno...

In America you call people who marry their cousins hillbillys

In Europe we call them Royals

I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?"

Then i told him "its a long story"

My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.

She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so s...

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My cousin died while masturbating.

Apparently he had a fatal stroke.

A Texan rancher gets visited by his cousin from California.

After some friendly catching up the cousin asks him, „if there were any quiet spots in the area where one might be able to smoke a blunt in peace“. The rancher answers „sure, you can go over there, near the cow pasture is a nice bench you can sit on“
His cousin thanks him and the rancher goes to ...

What do you call Tinker Bells Mexican cousin?

Taco bell.

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

My wife left me after I slept with my third cousin

Guess the third time isn't a charm.

I threw a surprise birthday party for my blind cousin.

He never saw it coming.

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A boy asks his mother, "Mommy, why is my cousin named Barry?"

"Well," says the mother, "your aunt Linda named her son Barry because she likes to eat berries."

"I see," says the boy. "And why is my other cousin named Stu?"

"Well", replies the mother, "you aunt Molly named her son Stu because she likes to eat stew."

"Very interesting. Why is...

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I had sex with my third cousin.

My sister told me to stop counting.

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My cousin was hospitalized after shoving 15 plastic horses up his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as stable.

I have an epileptic cousin.

His name? Julius Seizure

Did you know Darth Vader’s cousin lives in Switzerland and drives a cab?

He’s called ‘Taxi Vader’

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

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Man to therapist : "I just fucked my fourth cousin."

Therapist : "Is that a problem for you?"

Man : "The problem is that I'm counting."

How did the hillbilly find his cousin in the woods?

Pretty good.

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My Cousin was born with no eyelids. Later when he was circumcised, they used the foreskin to create eyelids for him.

Everything turned out fine......he's just a lil Cock eyed.

My incarcerated cousin who has a stutter just died in jail

He didn't even get to finish his sentence

My rich cousin's hummer-porschaghini (Long)

So I have this cousin who is absolutely loaded and he had this idea he would pay the best mechanic around to build him custom car.

He wanted the body of a Lamborghini, with the engine of a Porsche, and all the amazing features of an original hummer. He decided to call it the Hummer-porschagh...

A farmer is giving a tour of his farm to his cousin from the city.

They come upon a pig that has a peg-leg. The cousin asks what the story is behind the peg-leg pig. The farmer tells him "That there is a special pig! One day I was on my tractor and it overturned on me and I was pinned underneath it. I figured I was done for. Then that pig appeared out of nowhere an...

My cousin “I'm expecting twins!”

Me, “Finally two kids from the same man.”

The Smith family is having a reunion.

The matriarch is a 110 year old woman who is confined to a wheelchair and cannot speak, so she uses a pen and notepad to communicate.

While watching her great grandchildren play, she begins to leeeaaan to the left. So cousin Joe lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her left side. Later she ...

Two cousins go to the unemployment office.

They ask the first one what he does and he tells them “pilot”. They tell him they can get him a job immediately. They ask second cousin and he’s says “woodcutter” they tell him it may be difficult to place him because its not really a specialty. “Well you said you could get my cousin a job right awa...

My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin.

I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.

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I had sex with my second cousin, and now it's really awkward

I should have learnt my lesson with the first one.

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

How do you call Bruce Lee's vegan cousin?

Broco Lee

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The other day I had sex with my third cousin.

She was way better than the other two.

Everyone talks about the little Spanish flea, a record star he thought he'd be, but nobody talks about his cousin, the little Spanish tick.

He was a massive freaking prick.

Last night, I went to a bar with my wife and cousin.

She ordered beer.

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Paddy goes to war with France..

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Macron, " a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Macron rep...

Do you believe in life after death?

A Boss Asks his Employee: “Do you believe that there is Life After Death?”.

Employee: “Certainly not Sir, there’s no proof of it”.

Boss: “Well, there is.... After you left office early yesterday to go to your cousin’s funeral, he came here looking for you.”

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Redneck vasectomy

After the birth of their 9th child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"

The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "Th...

A Joke from my little cousin

What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up?


An Orangatangle!

My cousin told me it's totally safe to get a dental piercing

Turns out he was lying through his teeth.

Joke by my little cousin : Which Dino was the best in English?

The Saurus

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

My cousin told me this joke

J (cousin): Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: why did the chicken cross the road?

J: to get to the idiots house, knock knock

Me: who's there

J: the chicken

Me: oh you must be looking for my cousin, let me go get him for you.

J: silent from shock

I like my cousins like my ham

Inbred

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[NSFW] A joke my cousin heard from an amateur comedian in a New York show

I was at an anti-police violence rally and somebody was shouting "Cops suck dick! Cops suck dick!" And I thought to myself... "Man, if cops did suck dick I'd be committing crimes all the time!"

Have you ever heard of Supermans powerless cousin?

Norm-El

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I once made the mistake of making fun of a Florida man's wife; he walked up, slapped me in the face, and said...

KEEP MY COUSIN'S NAME OUT YO FUCKIN MOUTH!

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The other night I ended up getting real drunk and having sex with my fourth cousin. I was so ashamed.

Cuz I remember after the first three I said I was done.

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My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

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Cousin: "What are you doing in the bathroom?"

Me: "I'm losing my ass in a game of craps!"

My Siberian cousin was kidnapped while taking a selfie.

In Soviet Russia, pictures take you.

At my cousin's birthday party, I held up a photo of my uncle and said "It's amazing how you look just like your father did at 40!"

That's the last quinceañera I get invited to.

I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold.

They left him hanging.

My mother recently passed away, and my aunt and cousins are a bunch of reprobates.

Isn't that what you call them when they're trying to contest the will?

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Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend's balls...

All this talk of Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s balls talk is making me testy!

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"

"Sixteen", the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

He asked, "How do you know that?"

"Easy", the little boy said, "All you have to do is add it up, like the pries...

Einstein's second wife was his cousin ...

... so I guess sometimes love is relative.

My cousin is obsessed with football (soccer). So when I entered his room...

When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself...

That’s a Messi room.

I remember the time my cousin completely lost it and threw a giant fit at her 12th birthday party. After she changed her outfit she was fine...

It was a post dramatic dress

A Mexican man visits his cousin in the US

He wants to watch a baseball game; an integral part of American culture, he has heard. Unable to purchase a ticket, he scales the stadium facade and watches while clinging to the roof.

Afterwards, his cousin enquires about his experience.

“It was great!” He says. “Americans are so co...

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I accidentally made out with my 3rd cousin last night

The first two were pretty pissed when they found out.

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I once asked my cousin why he was gay

I couldn't get a straight answer

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What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?

A redneck.

What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe?

Your Majesty.

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Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin

Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin,
Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.?

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed".

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large mammary glands, the attraction...

I questioned my sister and my cousin about any incest in the family

She didn’t know of any

I had a cousin who created a cold air balloon.

But it never took off

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Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The wor...

My wife and I got into a fight the other night and she left me...

It's all good though she said we could still be cousins.

I am in the hospital because my cousin’s brother swallowed a 16gb memory card and he is singing all songs in it

Were hoping it doesn't reach video folder...

My cousin always introduces himself as "Stephen with a P-H"

It's because he's slightly acidic

I asked my cousin if business is booming.

He sells explosives.

Our two granddaughters promised us to let their younger cousin Jimmy (a little boy) to be included in their play.

After a while I found the 2 girls playing house in their room but Jimmy was nowhere in sight. Glancing outside I found Jimmy sitting alone on the front step.

"I thought you were playing house with your cousins.

He answered, "I am. I'm the dog and the dog isn't allowed in the house!"

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

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My cousin is a lawyer and his wife is a therapist.

She'll ask, "How does that make you feel," and he'll say, "Don't answer that."

A Kentucky farmer visits his farmer cousin in Ireland. The Irish farmer lives alone and the Kentucky Farmer asks how he avoids loneliness. Irish farmer says "The Sheep." "I could never!" replies the Kentucky Farmer. "Sure you could." The Irish farmer retorts...

"...Just pretend it's a chicken."

It’s No Nut November’s Muslim cousin time

Refrain Rub Ramadan

A joke my cousin told me when we were 8

There was a man in a job interview. The CEO of the company asks:

-Where do you used to work at?

-Oh, I was a monster hunter.

-But monsters don't exist!

-You're welcome

Albert Einstein married his cousin Elsa

Even his marriage was relative.

Check your emails more often

Turns out my DNA ancestry results came back 100% Nigerian and I’ve been neglecting my royal prince cousin for years

A man from Alabama goes out to dinner with his wife, his mother, and his cousin

He says, “table for two please”

My Cousin VS. My Aunt

My cousin is 28 and my aunt keeps pestering her about having a boyfriend because she wants grandchildren, my cousin keeps declining her because she already decided to be single for the rest of her life, this kept going on for months now and my cousin hasn't said anything until now...

Aunt: Yo...

To our American cousins...

Its lift, not elevators.
Cash machine not ATM.
Hospital, not business.

A serial killer started kidnapping and killing all female cousins of his mother & father.

When arrested and asked for reasons, he said, “I just heard that you need Aunty-bodies to build immunity against Covid.”

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

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Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.

It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.

I asked my little cousin if he ate?

and this little boy said, "Nah I'm 6"

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My cousin just said this to me...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strang...

Who is Macbeth's clean cousin?

Macbath

My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.

I think it's just a stage he's going through.

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Why couldn’t the lemon and lime have sex?

Because they were cousins and that would be inzest.

Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin?

It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.

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What do you call a guy who fucks his cousin on Halloween?

A pumpkin.

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My mom caught me making out with my 3rd cousin and she’s pissed...

I don’t know why though, she didn’t care about the first two.

What is Hello Kitty’s sick cousin’s name?

Bron-Kittys

So I banged my 3rd cousin the other day

I'm really surprised how I even managed to bang more than two of my cousins

Just a quick note to my American cousins. Voting is like driving a car....

'D' to go forward.

'R' to go reverse.

My cousins are like the letter K.

They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.

My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.

When they left...

Sorry, I have to share this joke my little cousin said over thanksgiving break!

Him: “Hey what kind of dent do you get when you run into a Hippo?”

Me: “idk what”

Him: “A Hippo dent”

I’m not entirely sure if he knows how jokes work but hey he’s trying!

My cousin decided to try parkour, so he jumped off a single floor hotel. Anyway, to make a long story short

would've helped. Funeral's Thursday.

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

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My cousin got caught with his pants around his ankles in the supply closet at work

He said he really felt like a jerk.

My 5 y/o cousins joke :)

Him:Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Him: To get to the stupid persons house.
Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin*
Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Him: It's the chicken!

I fell right into the little tackers trap!

Trump is Darth Vader's cousin!

Tax E. Vader.

My cousin has dark hair. His wife is blonde. All four of their kids have light colored hair.

Genetically speaking, there's a 15 in 16 chance that she's cheating.

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What do you call it when you catch peanut butter and jelly having sex but they find out that they're cousins?

Inbread.

What's the best part about banging your cousin?

It makes your sister jealous

Bruce Lee had a cousin who used to get beaten up a lot...

He was known as Bruise Lee.

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

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Last night, my cousin rambled on about those 'goddamn Christians'...

"I mean, Jesus Christ, man.


My *God!*


HOLY HELL.


Lord have mercy!


They're everywhere! And so is their religion! Even *I* can't get a single thought out without mentioning- wait a second. GOD FUCKING DAMN IT."

On a weather forecast in Russia, a reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife:

"They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth"

He calls the guy and asks

"What's the weather like where you are"

"It's around -20C I would say"

"I knew the news were lying, they said i...

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