This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man to therapist : "I just fucked my fourth cousin."

Therapist : "Is that a problem for you?"

Man : "The problem is that I'm counting."

My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.

She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so s...

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

My 8 year old cousin: " Why did the chicken cross the road?"

8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house.

Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.

8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock

Me: Who's there

8yo: The chicken.

An old joke my cousin told me long ago.

Life is not a garden. Don’t be a ho.

What do you call cousins who sleep together?

Nap kins

My cousin and his wife are a fastidious couple;

She’s fast, and he’s hideous!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin

Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin,
Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.?

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed".

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large mammary glands, the attraction...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband on his death bed calls his wife and tells her, when I die make sure you marry my cousin.

Confused, the wife asks "why?".

"many years ago that bastard sold me a faulty car"...

My cousin lost his job at the watch factory last week...

He just stood around all day, making faces.

Trump is Darth Vader's cousin!

Tax E. Vader.

What is the name of Haddaway's Russian cousin?

Vadislav

My cousin has dark hair. His wife is blonde. All four of their kids have light colored hair.

Genetically speaking, there's a 15 in 16 chance that she's cheating.

One time my cousin called me after a night of drinking...

"Hey man I just woke up in some desert and have no idea where I am! You gotta help me!"

I took a deep breath and said "Relax bud lets figure this out. Look around you what sort of things do you see?"

He told me it was pretty much all sand around him minus some rocks, mountains in the d...

What’s worse? Banging your cousin or your niece?

It’s all relative

I think my cousin has a crush on peanuts

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.

I think it's just a stage he's going through.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you have sex with your cousin on Halloween. . .

You pumpkin

A man in Alabama was arrested for murdering his wife, Sister and Cousin

He was charged with one count of murder

My cousins are like the letter K.

They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.

Sorry, I have to share this joke my little cousin said over thanksgiving break!

Him: “Hey what kind of dent do you get when you run into a Hippo?”

Me: “idk what”

Him: “A Hippo dent”

I’m not entirely sure if he knows how jokes work but hey he’s trying!

I have a Request for European Redditors, When my cousin Miles visits next year...

Please don't call him Kilometers.

It just doesn't translate.

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

Do you wanna know what my epileptic cousin's favourite dance is?

The Worm

My Cousin is really good at Russian roulette,

he only lost once.

What's the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian cousin?

BrocoLee

Einstein walks into a bar with his favourite cousin

The barman says "Hi Albert, it's nice to see you both again, but how come we never see the rest of the family?"

Einstein responds "Well you know, with this special relative it's easier for me, if I invite general relatives it just gets too complicated"

My cousin got cancer 3 times..

and survived both of them!

When my cousin was just a few months old, we discovered that he had an irrational fear of hair.

He just absolutely hated it. After a few years though, it started to grow on him.

My cousin lost his keys, and when he found them he went blind.

They were in the last place he looked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.

It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.

Why are panthers so much stealthier than their jaguar and leopard cousins?

Because they're never spotted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I heard that my cousin is gay.

Apparently in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin Mordecai circumcises elephants

He says the pay is crap but the tips are big

When a dolphin hits his cousin, is it accidental

or on porpoise?

Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee

But no one ever talks about his family.

His brother, the revolutionary vegetarian activist, Brocco Lee.

His cousin, the hesitant statistician, Probab Lee.

His uncle, the trustworthy politician, Honest Lee.

And of course, the Spanish inquisitor, Juan "Expected" Lee.

My first orgy was an experience to remember. I expected to it to be full of awkwardness and disappointment.

But thankfully all my cousins were really supportive.

I rushed to the hospital when I heard that my cousin could neither walk nor speak.

Apparently all newborns are like that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day I had sex with my third cousin.

She was way better than the other two.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin Jack was horse riding yesterday, and he wanted a break. But he couldn’t get down until the horse was satisfied

So I had to help my cousin Jack off his horse

I'm trying to convince my cousin not to bring a bomb to school.

He thinks it'd be a real blast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Native American called Onestone

There once was a native American who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?

A redneck.

What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe?

Your Majesty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] At a family gathering, a father is drunkenly talking about his wild younger days with a cousin, while his son listens in.

Cousin: Did you ever do any coke back in the day?

Father: Oh yeah I did lots of cocaine back then. One time I took so much on a night out that my face went completely numb. I did about 6 lines in the space of 10 mins and then I went straight for the bar. I got a vodka at the bar but when I t...

I got my little 7-year-old cousin some money for his birthday

He looked at the two red, $50 bills in his hands (we’re Canadian), and...

**Cousin:** Wow! Is this American money?

**Me:** Oh, no! Wait a second... (pulls out American money from wallet) This is American money! It’s all green!

**Cousin:** Wow! How did you get this?

**Me:*...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People have been saying that I look like my cousin

I used the man filter on my face and look the spitting image of my cousin.

I showed it to her and she's pissed off with me now.

What's the best part about banging your cousin?

It makes your sister jealous

I will post later

I am in hospital, cause my cousin brother swallowed a 128 GB SD card and he is singing all the songs in it I hope he doesn't reach the videos folder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin was so mad to find out that he was gay....

...he just couldn’t think straight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin tried to leave after talking shit about our dock on the lake.

I wasn't just going to let him dis a pier.

My cousins once got married.

It was awkward - someone asked if I was family of the bride or groom.

I said, "Yes."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do they call salsas homosexual cousin?

Pico de gayo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. My cousin took jail really hard.

The moment he got in he started swearing and fighting with everyone and even smeared his own shit all over the walls.

That's the last time we ever played monopoly with him.

My cousin's allergic to shellfish, and I laughed as I told him I put shrimp in his soup.

You should've seen his reaction....

My cousin said he "dips his pen into the company ink"

That carries some serious implications on the family farm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are people from Alabama okay with sex with a second cousin?

Because the first cousin was great!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin was hospitalized after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum

Doctors described his condition as stable.

My cousins contract at the zoo to wash the undersides of elephants. They say that their pay’s not that great...

But their tips are ENORMOUS!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People told me fucking 3rd cousins is acceptable.

One more to go :D

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin...

I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy’s cousin was born without ears

The boy’s parents, fearing that he would offend his aunt and uncle, told him to never even say the word ear when they were visiting their relatives.

Later on, the family makes a trip to visit the newborn baby, and the mother makes sure to remind him not to mention his ears at all.
To their...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.....

....He travels up to Alaska, spots a small brown bear and shoots it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin and I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or w...

My mom’s cousin just had quintuplets!

Looks like I’ll have five second-cousins. Too bad she’s an anti-vaxxer, they might turn out to be five-second cousins.

My cousin has two tickets for the 2019 SUPER BOWL

He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Temple of God Church, in Lexington at 3pm. Bride’s name is Beth , she's 5'4, about 140 lbs,...

So my cousin is having twins...

She posted "I'm expecting twins"

so I commented, finally two kids from the same man.

She blocked me.

Walked in on my cousin pleasuring herself with a carrot today...

I was mad because I had planned on eating that later, now it’s just gonna taste like carrots..

My friend was freaking out when he found out that the girl he slept with last night might have been his second cousin.

I said, “If it upsets you that much, why keep count?”

That'll do it

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough. They could not afford a larger house so the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/ cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a proce...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

Russian Eye Sight Test

A Russian went to a doctor to get his eye sight tested.

The doctor asked him to read the letters "CHXSCHEICJK" written on a board.

The doctor asked, "can you read them?"

Russian: Read them? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

John the Baptist was Jesus' cousin....

But his head was once removed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin has a speech impediment...

Even though he is in his mid twenties and has had speech therapy he still gets his R’s and W’s mixed up some what frequently.

Yesterday we were at my best friend’s house so I could introduce them, since they both have been great people in my life. About an hour into our hang out session my ...

A man from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin, who was working as a lawyer in California

They decided to go for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they
were hiking they were attacked by a pair of ~~pairs~~ bears, a big male and a slightly shorter female.

The male bear quickly dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape. He ran straight to the n...

Bungee jumper

There was a small city in which was a park and at center of that park was a high tower.Once a professional bungee jumper came to visit this small town and saw this huge tower.He immediately went to shop and bought exact amount of rope he needed for jump.He climbed tower and prepared everything.Arro...

Why did Einstein marry his cousin?

He wanted to test his theory of RELATIVITY

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

Did you hear the one about the guy who kissed his 3rd cousin?

He stopped counting

One day, when he was visiting family, Sleezy Steve happened to notice his cousin had become very attractive..

Steve: Hey cuz! Wanna play redneck family reunion?

Cousin: What?! No!

Steve: That’s the spirit.

My 5 y/o cousins joke :)

Him:Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Him: To get to the stupid persons house.
Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin*
Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Him: It's the chicken!

I fell right into the little tackers trap!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A city boy spends the summer with his country cousins on a farm....

After a couple weeks the city boy asks his country cousins what they do for sex? The cousins explain they go down to the pig pen after dark and have their way with one of the sows (that is a female pig for you city people).
The city boy says No Way! The cousins tell him it’s really good he shoul...

Last week I found out my cousin was into underage girls.

I reported him to the feds, but when they arrived on the scene they wouldn't do a thing. They let the freak run free.

Oh well, at least he didn't enjoy his tenth birthday party.

What is relative humidity?

When you get your cousin wet

What did the man say to his pet bear after buying her a computer and the computer wouldn't turn on and he ended up calling his cousin who works at the computer company and the cousin came down from Milwaukee to show them how to connect everything to make the computer work?

Sorry for the complicated setup.

I've always wanted to see a live performance of "Our American Cousin"

My buddy Abe wouldn't stop raving about it. He kept talking about how his mind was literally blown.

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend had sex with his cousin on an elevator

That's wrong on so many levels

My wife caught me cheating with her cousin. She totally overreacted and left the house

She caught me passing extra monopoly money to her.

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

My cousin thinks reddit is unoriginal garbage

He runs an Instagram meme page

My cousins zodiac sign was cancer, kind of ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a giant crab

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dude is watching a daytime talk show with his GF...

The host tells the audience, "Communication is important. Sometimes the things you say can make your partner happy. Sometimes you make your partner sad. And sometimes, you can say something that makes your partner happy and sad at the same time..."

The dude scoffs. "That's bullshit! There's n...

My cousin from the south said we should kill every Muslim who owns a lama.

I think he is lamaphobe.

Why did Einstein married his cousin?

Because it was all relative!




PS: Inspired from a comment on TIL about Emma Noether!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Alabama man marry his third cousin?

Because the first two weren't good in bed

A guy is visiting his cousins farm, getting the tour and such, sees a 3 legged pig.....

What’s with the pig with 3 legs?Ahh, that’s Jake and he is one special pig says the farmer cousin. I was out plowing with the tractor, got to close to the ditch and rolled it over on me. Jake broke out of his pen and ran out to the tractor where he proceeded to dig me out from under it, dragged me...

Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin?

It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.

My redneck cousin wants to be with a girl who is into multiple partners.

Cracker wants a poly.

My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.

When they left...

What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his foot?

Mitosis!

Sorry if it’s been posted before but my little cousin just told me this and I died laughing

What's the difference between Muslims and rednecks from Alabama?

The rednecks are drunk when marrying their cousins.

I went for a walk through Memory Lane today.

I found some boxes in my closet. In it were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw. There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital, and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

The...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.