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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.

She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so s...

What's the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian cousin?

BrocoLee

Walked in on my cousin pleasuring herself with a carrot today...

I was mad because I had planned on eating that later, now it’s just gonna taste like carrots..

My friend was freaking out when he found out that the girl he slept with last night might have been his second cousin.

I said, “If it upsets you that much, why keep count?”

Kentuckians

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that ...

What's the best part about banging your cousin?

It makes your sister jealous

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It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.

"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today."

"No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked.

"I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then."

T...

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What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?

A redneck.

What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe?

Your Majesty.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW. My cousin took jail really hard.

The moment he got in he started swearing and fighting with everyone and even smeared his own shit all over the walls.

That's the last time we ever played monopoly with him.

John the Baptist was Jesus' cousin....

But his head was once removed.

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My cousin has a speech impediment...

Even though he is in his mid twenties and has had speech therapy he still gets his R’s and W’s mixed up some what frequently.

Yesterday we were at my best friend’s house so I could introduce them, since they both have been great people in my life. About an hour into our hang out session my ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the definition of safe sex in Alabama ?

Locking your car door before humping your cousins

My mom’s cousin just had quintuplets!

Looks like I’ll have five second-cousins. Too bad she’s an anti-vaxxer, they might turn out to be five-second cousins.

My cousin has two tickets for the 2019 SUPER BOWL

He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Temple of God Church, in Lexington at 3pm. Bride’s name is Beth , she's 5'4, about 140 lbs,...

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A boy’s cousin was born without ears

The boy’s parents, fearing that he would offend his aunt and uncle, told him to never even say the word ear when they were visiting their relatives.

Later on, the family makes a trip to visit the newborn baby, and the mother makes sure to remind him not to mention his ears at all.
To their...

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Why are people from Alabama okay with sex with a second cousin?

Because the first cousin was great!

A man, his cousin and his wife walk into an Alabama bar.

Man: Can I get a table for two

My cousin has 9 fingers.

That's odd.

So my cousin is having twins...

She posted "I'm expecting twins"

so I commented, finally two kids from the same man.

She blocked me.

A man from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin, who was working as a lawyer in California

They decided to go for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they
were hiking they were attacked by a pair of ~~pairs~~ bears, a big male and a slightly shorter female.

The male bear quickly dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape. He ran straight to the n...

Last week I found out my cousin was into underage girls.

I reported him to the feds, but when they arrived on the scene they wouldn't do a thing. They let the freak run free.

Oh well, at least he didn't enjoy his tenth birthday party.

My wife caught me cheating with her cousin. She totally overreacted and left the house

She caught me passing extra monopoly money to her.

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo. - Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

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The other day I had sex with my third cousin.

She was way better than the other two.

If a husband and wife that both voted for Trump get divorced...

Are they still considered cousins?

(heard this at the family Thanksgiving get together today, my apologies if it's not new.. And apologies to Trump fans if it's offensive to you, I thought it was funny)

One day, when he was visiting family, Sleezy Steve happened to notice his cousin had become very attractive..

Steve: Hey cuz! Wanna play redneck family reunion?

Cousin: What?! No!

Steve: That’s the spirit.

I've always wanted to see a live performance of "Our American Cousin"

My buddy Abe wouldn't stop raving about it. He kept talking about how his mind was literally blown.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My cousin was hospitalized after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum

Doctors described his condition as stable.

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin...

I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them

From my young cousin:

How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Toucan.

My cousin thinks reddit is unoriginal garbage

He runs an Instagram meme page

A guy is visiting his cousins farm, getting the tour and such, sees a 3 legged pig.....

What’s with the pig with 3 legs?Ahh, that’s Jake and he is one special pig says the farmer cousin. I was out plowing with the tractor, got to close to the ditch and rolled it over on me. Jake broke out of his pen and ran out to the tractor where he proceeded to dig me out from under it, dragged me...

Why did Einstein marry his cousin?

He wanted to test his theory of RELATIVITY

What did the man say to his pet bear after buying her a computer and the computer wouldn't turn on and he ended up calling his cousin who works at the computer company and the cousin came down from Milwaukee to show them how to connect everything to make the computer work?

Sorry for the complicated setup.

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My friend had sex with his cousin on an elevator

That's wrong on so many levels

My cousins zodiac sign was cancer, kind of ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a giant crab

My cousin from the south said we should kill every Muslim who owns a lama.

I think he is lamaphobe.

Why did the Alabama man marry his third cousin?

Because the first two weren't good in bed

Why did Einstein married his cousin?

Because it was all relative!




PS: Inspired from a comment on TIL about Emma Noether!

My redneck cousin wants to be with a girl who is into multiple partners.

Cracker wants a poly.

TIL Bruce Lee had a vegan cousin

Brocco

A boy asks his mother:"Mom, why is my cousin's name is Rose?"

The mother explains: "That's because her mother loves roses a lot so she called her after her favorite flower."
The boy then asks: "Oh, so what about my other cousin, Clementine?
"That's because her mother loves clementines so much that she called her after her favorite fruit."
The bo...

Post Malone might be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

I just learned Cardi B has a cousin who’s really into fitness.

She’s called Cardi O

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Incredibly lame joke my 9 yr old cousin told me. (NSFW)

So this old guy is lying face down in the sand on a nude beach.

A hot blonde comes along and starts rhythmically smacking his buttocks like drums.

Then the geezer flips around, grins toothlessly at her and says, “Why don’t you play the flute instead of the bongos?”

My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.

When they left...

My cousin was planning to take an Uber home, but then his phone died.

For lack of a better option, he took out the amount of cash that he thought would cover the cost plus tip, and he asked a stranger, "If I pay you this cash, would you call me an Uber?". The stranger nodded, took the cash, said "You're an Uber!" and walked away.

If two white supremacists get a divorce...

Do they still consider each other "cousins"?

My cousin just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but this is ridiculous.

Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin?

It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.

My 5 y/o cousins joke :)

Him:Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Him: To get to the stupid persons house.
Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin*
Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Him: It's the chicken!

I fell right into the little tackers trap!

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...

"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she a...

Dad, why is my cousin called Porsche?

Dad: Because her father likes Porsche cars.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: You're welcomed, young boy.

Who is Dumbledore's cousin?

Dumblewindow.

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Billy goes to spend the weekend with Jane, his cousin...

On her house, she tells him he will sleep on the bottom bunk bed, because she liked the top.

During the night, believing that Billy is asleep, Jane goes to the front door to let her boyfriend in. Her boyfriend goes to the bedroom and climbs the bunk with her. Jane warns her boyfriend that Bil...

My cousin Donald Godwin went to get his Social Security started. But he forgot his papers on the kitchen table.

The lady at the Social Security office told him he needed proof of birth before they could get things started. He pulled down his shirt and said, “Don’t these grey hairs on my chest prove I’m 65?”

She said, “All right sir, I believe you. But we have to have definitive proof. You’ll need to br...

His cousin

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Broke up with my girlfriend today

It's cool though, she said we can still be cousins.

You might have to be more specific when using the word "cousin".

It's just such a relative term.

Pineapple on pizza is like going down on your cousin.

It tastes good, but something ain't right.

My cousin eats only Indian bread because his friends do.

He's a naan-conformist.

When I was a kid my younger cousin always cheated at freeze tag,

So I wasn't surprised when I heard he got shot by the cops

Laughing at the law

A mafia boss had a deaf book keeper, hired because he would never overhear anything. One day the boss discovered that his trusty book keeper had been stealing from him for the better part of 30 years, totaling upwards of $18 million. He went to confront the book keeper about his missing money, takin...

[NSFW] Is it weird to think your 15 year old cousin is cute?

I just noticed while blowing him.

I'm going to open a strip club in Alabama...

I'm going to name it Cousins.

My cousin only breathed helium when he was born

He has Up Syndrome.

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A rural farmer visits his cousin, a librarian at Harvard.

The campus being as big as it is, he finds a random student and asks, "Excuse me ma'am, where's the library at?"

The student is visibly offended and says, "Sir, this is Harvard, we don't end sentences with prepositions!"

The farmer thinks for a bit and replies, "Oh, right. Where's th...

My cousin is so poor....

that when she couldn't afford pay the Catholic church for her exorcism, they repossessed her.

Is it okay to marry your second cousin? [xpost from /r/dadjokes]

Sure, as long as you're legally divorced from the first one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My cousin was born without eye lids

My cousin was born without eye lids so when they circimsised him they used his foreskin to graft eyelids for him. The surgery went fine but he's a little cockeyed now.

My cousin was going to get a heart transplant

But then he had a change of heart.

My cousin died just six days before my birthday

Which of course made me extremely upset when my birthday came around, because I now had nothing to wish for.

[NSFW] WHERE do cousins come from?

Ant Holes

A redneck walks in to a restaurant with his wife, sister and cousin

He walks up to the host and says table for two please

TIL Albert Einstein married his cousin.

That's how he discovered the theory of relativity

From my 10 y/o cousin: Why did the chicken double-cross the road?

To get to the other spy...in the CIA. Chicken Intelligence Agency.

My cousin recently had her baby aborted.

Such a shame, could have met my future first cousin once removed.