My little cousin was showing off that he sleeps in a race car bed

Jokes on him I sleep in a real car

So i banged my 3rd cousin yesterday...

My buddy told me to stop counting them

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

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This is an old joke my cousin told me. It never fails to make me smile :-)

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagno...

To our American cousins...

Its lift, not elevators.
Cash machine not ATM.
Hospital, not business.

My wife left me after I slept with my third cousin

Guess the third time isn't a charm.

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like goin down on your cousin...

It tastes the same but it just ain't right

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What do you do when you're having sex with your cousin and get set on fire?

Stop, drop, and rolltide.

sorry

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Man to therapist : "I just fucked my fourth cousin."

Therapist : "Is that a problem for you?"

Man : "The problem is that I'm counting."

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

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My cousin got caught with his pants around his ankles in the supply closet at work

He said he really felt like a jerk.

Saw my cousin walking down the street

Her dog got its foot stuck in a drain. I asked her if she needed help dealing with it. She told me to flip off. What a ungrateful brat, I muttered while putting my gun in its holder.

Did ya hear about Donkey Kong’s Asian cousin, Viet Kong?

He specializes in Gorilla warfare

So I banged my 3rd cousin the other day

I'm really surprised how I even managed to bang more than two of my cousins

Is it OK to sleep with a second cousin?

I say if the first one didn’t mind, go for it.

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I accidentally made out with my 3rd cousin last night

The first two were pretty pissed when they found out.

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Late one night in the Adams family household Cousin Itt was feeling horny.

His mind could not stop thinking about how earlier that day he'd seen Morticia lounging by the pool. Her pale goth flesh, pert breasts and slender hips were too much for him to take so with a flourish he did the deed and in doing so shotgunned his seed all over his fur. I will clean it in the morn...

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My mom caught me making out with my 3rd cousin and she’s pissed...

I don’t know why though, she didn’t care about the first two.

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

A Joke from my little cousin

What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up?


An Orangatangle!

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What do you call a guy who fucks his cousin on Halloween?

A pumpkin.

Who is the vegan cousin of Bruce Lee?

Broccoli

My 8 year old cousin: " Why did the chicken cross the road?"

8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house.

Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.

8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock

Me: Who's there

8yo: The chicken.

How did the Jewish onion greet his cousin?

Shallot.

How about a blond joke. My cousin blond* was once asked at a restaurant if she wants her egg poached.

She promptly replied "isnt that illegal." True story too.

Paddy had just arrived in New York from Ireland and was invited by one of his American cousins to go to his first baseball game.

Seated in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, he watched as a man swung a
stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag
down the line. Everyone stood up and yelled,
"Run, run!"
Then a second guy came up to the plate,
whacked the ball and started down toward the
white bag. Everyone sto...

Albert Einstein married his cousin Elsa

Even his marriage was relative.

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My cousin is a super hairy dude,

We used to nickname him Cousin "It" affectionately.

I remember chatting to him in our freshmen year trying to figure out what our dreams and aspirations were. Cousin It was a weird dude, he didn't really fit in most circles! He was always super quiet and didn't stand out much.
He was hell...

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

John gave his hillbilly cousin Billy a phonecard. "You can make calls with this ." John then went to get a drink.

In the corner of his eye, he noticed Billy whispering frantically into the card: "Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?"

A joke my cousin told me when we were 8

There was a man in a job interview. The CEO of the company asks:

-Where do you used to work at?

-Oh, I was a monster hunter.

-But monsters don't exist!

-You're welcome

I just got an invitation to my cousin's wedding

They didn't give a dress code, but I've got to assume it's a black mask event

Compassion

Sooo, my cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me ...

Just found out my stuttering cousin died in the prison

Damn... She couldn't even finish her sentence!

A city lawyer goes to visit his farmer cousin in the country.

On arrival, he sees a pig with a wooden leg.

He asks his cousin, "What's the deal with that pig?"

The farmer replies, "Oh, he's special. When my daughter Susie was trapped in a burning barn, he ran in and saved her. And when my son Owen fell down a well, he came and got us and led us r...

Apparently Darth Vader has a right-wing billionaire cousin

His name is Tax E. Vader

I took my epileptic cousin to his first laser show.

He was literally shaking with excitement.

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What did Einstein discover staring at his cousin's cleavage?

The 'Theory of Relative- Titty.'

What do you call cousins who sleep together?

Nap kins

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Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin

Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin,
Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.?

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed".

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large mammary glands, the attraction...

What does your hot aunt and hot cousin have in common?

It's pretty relative

An old joke my cousin told me long ago.

Life is not a garden. Don’t be a ho.

What's the difference between a redneck and a texan?

Texans ride horses and rednecks ride their cousins

My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.

I think it's just a stage he's going through.

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Husband on his death bed calls his wife and tells her, when I die make sure you marry my cousin.

Confused, the wife asks "why?".

"many years ago that bastard sold me a faulty car"...

I wanted to break up with my girlfriend

So I told her let's just be cousins.

My cousin lost his job at the watch factory last week...

He just stood around all day, making faces.

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In Alabama the definition of relative humidity

is the sweat on your balls while you are banging your cousin.

My cousin has dark hair. His wife is blonde. All four of their kids have light colored hair.

Genetically speaking, there's a 15 in 16 chance that she's cheating.

Chewbacca's little cousin

Chewbacca's little cousin joined a group of his peers to compete in order to become co-pilot to one of the resistance's best pilots.

His little cousin went above the call of duty and wound up the best in the group.

What award did he receive?

Wookie of the year

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My 4 year old cousin told me this and I cracked up

Cousin: Knock knock

Me: Whose there?

Cousin: Weeneeda maka change butt

Me: Weeneeda make change butt who?

Cousin: Yes Michael, we need to make a change, but who? Who will be the first to stand up? We have burned through our resources leaving the planet cracked and bruised...

My cousin and his wife are a fastidious couple;

She’s fast, and he’s hideous!

My cousins are like the letter K.

They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.

One time my cousin called me after a night of drinking...

"Hey man I just woke up in some desert and have no idea where I am! You gotta help me!"

I took a deep breath and said "Relax bud lets figure this out. Look around you what sort of things do you see?"

He told me it was pretty much all sand around him minus some rocks, mountains in the d...

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The other day I had sex with my third cousin.

She was way better than the other two.

What's the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian cousin?

BrocoLee

Sorry, I have to share this joke my little cousin said over thanksgiving break!

Him: “Hey what kind of dent do you get when you run into a Hippo?”

Me: “idk what”

Him: “A Hippo dent”

I’m not entirely sure if he knows how jokes work but hey he’s trying!

What is the name of Haddaway's Russian cousin?

Vadislav

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

I think my cousin has a crush on peanuts

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

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A guy is watching TV with his girlfriend...

The talk show host is blabbing on about effective communication in relationships. "Sometimes, you can say things that make your partner happy. Sometimes you say things that make them sad. And sometimes you can even say something that makes them sad and happy at the same time..."

The guy scoff...

I have a Request for European Redditors, When my cousin Miles visits next year...

Please don't call him Kilometers.

It just doesn't translate.

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Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.

It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.

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There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird ...

Why are panthers so much stealthier than their jaguar and leopard cousins?

Because they're never spotted.

A man in Alabama was arrested for murdering his wife, Sister and Cousin

He was charged with one count of murder

So Joe, the bartender tells his regular customer Fred, "I've got a new riddle for you."

So Joe, the bartender tells his regular customer Fred, "I've got a new riddle for you." Fred says, "Gee, I dunno Joe, I'm not good at riddles". Joe says, "This is an easy one, here goes. My mother had a child, it's not my brother, it's not my sister. Who is it?" Fred says, "I dunno. I'm an only chil...

How does a redneck breakup look like?

"Don't worry, we can still be cousins."

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So I heard that my cousin is gay.

Apparently in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.

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What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?

A redneck.

What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe?

Your Majesty.

My cousin lost his keys, and when he found them he went blind.

They were in the last place he looked.

When my cousin was just a few months old, we discovered that he had an irrational fear of hair.

He just absolutely hated it. After a few years though, it started to grow on him.

My Cousin is really good at Russian roulette,

he only lost once.

My cousin got cancer 3 times..

and survived both of them!

Einstein walks into a bar with his favourite cousin

The barman says "Hi Albert, it's nice to see you both again, but how come we never see the rest of the family?"

Einstein responds "Well you know, with this special relative it's easier for me, if I invite general relatives it just gets too complicated"

What's the best part about banging your cousin?

It makes your sister jealous

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My cousin Jack was horse riding yesterday, and he wanted a break. But he couldn’t get down until the horse was satisfied

So I had to help my cousin Jack off his horse

Do you wanna know what my epileptic cousin's favourite dance is?

The Worm

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My cousin was hospitalized after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum

Doctors described his condition as stable.

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

Ronald finally landed a job as a school bus driver.

He was assigned a rural route on a long road called Sesame Street.

At the first stop, there were two very portly girls. “I’m Patty and this is my cousin Patty” one of the two girls announced as they made their way to the back of the bus.

At the next stop there was a tiny boy waiting....

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Hunting

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my c...

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Why are people from Alabama okay with sex with a second cousin?

Because the first cousin was great!

When a dolphin hits his cousin, is it accidental

or on porpoise?

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin...

I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them

I'm trying to convince my cousin not to bring a bomb to school.

He thinks it'd be a real blast.

Your team here

There was a guy way up in the nose bleed seats at ‘your team’s’ home game. About the end of the first quarter, he spotted an old man and an empty seat down on the 50 yard line. He made his way down to the older gentleman, and asked if anybody was sitting there.

The man said “ my wife and I h...

I rushed to the hospital when I heard that my cousin could neither walk nor speak.

Apparently all newborns are like that.

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People have been saying that I look like my cousin

I used the man filter on my face and look the spitting image of my cousin.

I showed it to her and she's pissed off with me now.

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My cousin Mordecai circumcises elephants

He says the pay is crap but the tips are big

A original joke.

Did you know that cardi B has a famous cousin who’s well known in the health department?

Her name is cardi O

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My cousin tried to leave after talking shit about our dock on the lake.

I wasn't just going to let him dis a pier.

My cousins once got married.

It was awkward - someone asked if I was family of the bride or groom.

I said, "Yes."

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

What is an example of redneck social distancing?

Sleeping with your 3rd cousin instead of your 1st.

My cousin sells early Deep Purple records for a living.

He's a Hush dealer.

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I got my little 7-year-old cousin some money for his birthday

He looked at the two red, $50 bills in his hands (we’re Canadian), and...

**Cousin:** Wow! Is this American money?

**Me:** Oh, no! Wait a second... (pulls out American money from wallet) This is American money! It’s all green!

**Cousin:** Wow! How did you get this?

**Me:*...

My cousin has two tickets for the 2019 SUPER BOWL

He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Temple of God Church, in Lexington at 3pm. Bride’s name is Beth , she's 5'4, about 140 lbs,...

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[NSFW] At a family gathering, a father is drunkenly talking about his wild younger days with a cousin, while his son listens in.

Cousin: Did you ever do any coke back in the day?

Father: Oh yeah I did lots of cocaine back then. One time I took so much on a night out that my face went completely numb. I did about 6 lines in the space of 10 mins and then I went straight for the bar. I got a vodka at the bar but when I t...

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A boy’s cousin was born without ears

The boy’s parents, fearing that he would offend his aunt and uncle, told him to never even say the word ear when they were visiting their relatives.

Later on, the family makes a trip to visit the newborn baby, and the mother makes sure to remind him not to mention his ears at all.
To their...

My mom’s cousin just had quintuplets!

Looks like I’ll have five second-cousins. Too bad she’s an anti-vaxxer, they might turn out to be five-second cousins.

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People told me fucking 3rd cousins is acceptable.

One more to go :D

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What was the name of Bilbo’s incel cousin?

Stillno Shaggins

A man from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin, who was working as a lawyer in California

They decided to go for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they
were hiking they were attacked by a pair of ~~pairs~~ bears, a big male and a slightly shorter female.

The male bear quickly dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape. He ran straight to the n...

My cousins contract at the zoo to wash the undersides of elephants. They say that their pay’s not that great...

But their tips are ENORMOUS!

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NSFW. My cousin took jail really hard.

The moment he got in he started swearing and fighting with everyone and even smeared his own shit all over the walls.

That's the last time we ever played monopoly with him.

My cousin's allergic to shellfish, and I laughed as I told him I put shrimp in his soup.

You should've seen his reaction....

My cousin said he "dips his pen into the company ink"

That carries some serious implications on the family farm.

Walked in on my cousin pleasuring herself with a carrot today...

I was mad because I had planned on eating that later, now it’s just gonna taste like carrots..

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

A cop pulls over a car...

Officer: Good evening, our squad decided to reward the best driver we saw all day, so congratulations you just earned 200 dollars. What will you do with the money?

Driver: Get my drivers license.

Officer: Wait, what?

Wife: He's only driving well because he's drunk.

Office...

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

Last weekend I went to see my baby cousin's baptism. It turns out that he was only around 2% catholic after the ceremony.

Someone replaced the holy water with milk.

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A city boy spends the summer with his country cousins on a farm....

After a couple weeks the city boy asks his country cousins what they do for sex? The cousins explain they go down to the pig pen after dark and have their way with one of the sows (that is a female pig for you city people).
The city boy says No Way! The cousins tell him it’s really good he shoul...

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