My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.

She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so s...

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Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin

Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin,
Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.?

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed".

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large mammary glands, the attraction...

My cousins are like the letter K.

They are ok by themselves, but get horribly racist when three of them get together.

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

\[Twice removed\]

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

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It was Monday and John called his boss because he was sick.

"Boss, can I get a day off? I'm sick today."

"No problem, you will make it up when you feel better. Is it something serious and will you be gone for a longer period?", the boss asked.

"I'll be coming in tomorrow, don't worry" John replied."Great, I will see you tomorrow then."

T...

My cousin lost his keys, and when he found them he went blind.

They were in the last place he looked.

My Cousin is really good at Russian roulette,

he only lost once.

I rushed to the hospital when I heard that my cousin could neither walk nor speak.

Apparently all newborns are like that.

What's the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian cousin?

BrocoLee

I got my little 7-year-old cousin some money for his birthday

He looked at the two red, $50 bills in his hands (we’re Canadian), and...

**Cousin:** Wow! Is this American money?

**Me:** Oh, no! Wait a second... (pulls out American money from wallet) This is American money! It’s all green!

**Cousin:** Wow! How did you get this?

**Me:*...

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People have been saying that I look like my cousin

I used the man filter on my face and look the spitting image of my cousin.

I showed it to her and she's pissed off with me now.

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So I heard that my cousin is gay.

Apparently in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin Mordecai circumcises elephants

He says the pay is crap but the tips are big

Why are panthers so much stealthier than their jaguar and leopard cousins?

Because they're never spotted.

When a dolphin hits his cousin, is it accidental

or on porpoise?

My cousin sells early Deep Purple records for a living.

He's a Hush dealer.

My cousin's allergic to shellfish, and I laughed as I told him I put shrimp in his soup.

You should've seen his reaction....

My cousins once got married.

It was awkward - someone asked if I was family of the bride or groom.

I said, "Yes."

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Kentuckians

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that ...

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What was the name of Bilbo’s incel cousin?

Stillno Shaggins

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My cousin Jack was horse riding yesterday, and he wanted a break. But he couldn’t get down until the horse was satisfied

So I had to help my cousin Jack off his horse

What's the best part about banging your cousin?

It makes your sister jealous

Last weekend I went to see my baby cousin's baptism. It turns out that he was only around 2% catholic after the ceremony.

Someone replaced the holy water with milk.

My cousins contract at the zoo to wash the undersides of elephants. They say that their pay’s not that great...

But their tips are ENORMOUS!

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Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.

It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.

My cousin said he "dips his pen into the company ink"

That carries some serious implications on the family farm.

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What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?

A redneck.

What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe?

Your Majesty.

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My annoying little cousin keeps bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed.

Well, joke’s on you, you little shit. I sleep in a real car.

John the Baptist was Jesus' cousin....

But his head was once removed.

Walked in on my cousin pleasuring herself with a carrot today...

I was mad because I had planned on eating that later, now it’s just gonna taste like carrots..

Did you hear that Einstein married his first cousin?

I guess it's just a relative problem.

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My cousin tried to leave after talking shit about our dock on the lake.

I wasn't just going to let him dis a pier.

So I drove to Alabama and there was a welcome sign

It said:

Welcome to Alabama and remember,

you can't spell cousin without sin.

Enjoy your stay!

My friend was freaking out when he found out that the girl he slept with last night might have been his second cousin.

I said, “If it upsets you that much, why keep count?”

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People told me fucking 3rd cousins is acceptable.

One more to go :D

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My cousin has a speech impediment...

Even though he is in his mid twenties and has had speech therapy he still gets his R’s and W’s mixed up some what frequently.

Yesterday we were at my best friend’s house so I could introduce them, since they both have been great people in my life. About an hour into our hang out session my ...

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Why are people from Alabama okay with sex with a second cousin?

Because the first cousin was great!

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NSFW. My cousin took jail really hard.

The moment he got in he started swearing and fighting with everyone and even smeared his own shit all over the walls.

That's the last time we ever played monopoly with him.

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A city boy spends the summer with his country cousins on a farm....

After a couple weeks the city boy asks his country cousins what they do for sex? The cousins explain they go down to the pig pen after dark and have their way with one of the sows (that is a female pig for you city people).
The city boy says No Way! The cousins tell him it’s really good he shoul...

My cousin has two tickets for the 2019 SUPER BOWL

He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Temple of God Church, in Lexington at 3pm. Bride’s name is Beth , she's 5'4, about 140 lbs,...

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The other day I had sex with my third cousin.

She was way better than the other two.

My mom’s cousin just had quintuplets!

Looks like I’ll have five second-cousins. Too bad she’s an anti-vaxxer, they might turn out to be five-second cousins.

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A boy’s cousin was born without ears

The boy’s parents, fearing that he would offend his aunt and uncle, told him to never even say the word ear when they were visiting their relatives.

Later on, the family makes a trip to visit the newborn baby, and the mother makes sure to remind him not to mention his ears at all.
To their...

Last week I found out my cousin was into underage girls.

I reported him to the feds, but when they arrived on the scene they wouldn't do a thing. They let the freak run free.

Oh well, at least he didn't enjoy his tenth birthday party.

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What's the definition of safe sex in Alabama ?

Locking your car door before humping your cousins

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Did you know Hitler had cousin who liked beating up his wife?

He was called Hither.

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My cousin was hospitalized after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum

Doctors described his condition as stable.

A man from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin, who was working as a lawyer in California

They decided to go for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they
were hiking they were attacked by a pair of ~~pairs~~ bears, a big male and a slightly shorter female.

The male bear quickly dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape. He ran straight to the n...

So my cousin is having twins...

She posted "I'm expecting twins"

so I commented, finally two kids from the same man.

She blocked me.

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo. - Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin...

I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

Why did Einstein marry his cousin?

He wanted to test his theory of RELATIVITY

A man, his cousin and his wife walk into an Alabama bar.

Man: Can I get a table for two

One day, when he was visiting family, Sleezy Steve happened to notice his cousin had become very attractive..

Steve: Hey cuz! Wanna play redneck family reunion?

Cousin: What?! No!

Steve: That’s the spirit.

My cousin has 9 fingers.

That's odd.

What did the man say to his pet bear after buying her a computer and the computer wouldn't turn on and he ended up calling his cousin who works at the computer company and the cousin came down from Milwaukee to show them how to connect everything to make the computer work?

Sorry for the complicated setup.

My wife caught me cheating with her cousin. She totally overreacted and left the house

She caught me passing extra monopoly money to her.

If a husband and wife that both voted for Trump get divorced...

Are they still considered cousins?

(heard this at the family Thanksgiving get together today, my apologies if it's not new.. And apologies to Trump fans if it's offensive to you, I thought it was funny)

My cousin thinks reddit is unoriginal garbage

He runs an Instagram meme page

From my young cousin:

How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Toucan.

My cousins zodiac sign was cancer, kind of ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a giant crab

A guy is visiting his cousins farm, getting the tour and such, sees a 3 legged pig.....

What’s with the pig with 3 legs?Ahh, that’s Jake and he is one special pig says the farmer cousin. I was out plowing with the tractor, got to close to the ditch and rolled it over on me. Jake broke out of his pen and ran out to the tractor where he proceeded to dig me out from under it, dragged me...

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A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...

"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she a...

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

I've always wanted to see a live performance of "Our American Cousin"

My buddy Abe wouldn't stop raving about it. He kept talking about how his mind was literally blown.

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My friend had sex with his cousin on an elevator

That's wrong on so many levels

A city slicker went out to the country to spend a few days with his cousin on the farm....

A city slicker went out to the country to spend a few days with his cousin on the farm.

"Now Ernest," said the farmer, "You'll have to help me with the chores around here, you being another mouth to feed. We get started pretty early in the morning."

"That's fine, Seth", said the city m...

My cousin from the south said we should kill every Muslim who owns a lama.

I think he is lamaphobe.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Alabama man marry his third cousin?

Because the first two weren't good in bed

TIL Bruce Lee had a vegan cousin

Brocco

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

Why did Einstein married his cousin?

Because it was all relative!




PS: Inspired from a comment on TIL about Emma Noether!

Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin?

It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.

My redneck cousin wants to be with a girl who is into multiple partners.

Cracker wants a poly.

If two white supremacists get a divorce...

Do they still consider each other "cousins"?

My cousin just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but this is ridiculous.

His cousin

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

My cousin was planning to take an Uber home, but then his phone died.

For lack of a better option, he took out the amount of cash that he thought would cover the cost plus tip, and he asked a stranger, "If I pay you this cash, would you call me an Uber?". The stranger nodded, took the cash, said "You're an Uber!" and walked away.

I just learned Cardi B has a cousin who’s really into fitness.

She’s called Cardi O

Broke up with my girlfriend today

It's cool though, she said we can still be cousins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Incredibly lame joke my 9 yr old cousin told me. (NSFW)

So this old guy is lying face down in the sand on a nude beach.

A hot blonde comes along and starts rhythmically smacking his buttocks like drums.

Then the geezer flips around, grins toothlessly at her and says, “Why don’t you play the flute instead of the bongos?”

My 5 y/o cousins joke :)

Him:Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Him: To get to the stupid persons house.
Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin*
Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Him: It's the chicken!

I fell right into the little tackers trap!

My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.

When they left...

Who is Dumbledore's cousin?

Dumblewindow.

A boy asks his mother:"Mom, why is my cousin's name is Rose?"

The mother explains: "That's because her mother loves roses a lot so she called her after her favorite flower."
The boy then asks: "Oh, so what about my other cousin, Clementine?
"That's because her mother loves clementines so much that she called her after her favorite fruit."
The bo...

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