My little cousin was showing off that he sleeps in a race car bed

Jokes on him I sleep in a real car

So i banged my 3rd cousin yesterday...

My buddy told me to stop counting them

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This is an old joke my cousin told me. It never fails to make me smile :-)

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagno...

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like goin down on your cousin...

It tastes the same but it just ain't right

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

In America you call people who marry their cousins hillbillys

In Europe we call them Royals

My wife left me after I slept with my third cousin

Guess the third time isn't a charm.

I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?"

Then i told him "its a long story"

My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin.

I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.

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My Cousin was born with no eyelids. Later when he was circumcised, they used the foreskin to create eyelids for him.

Everything turned out fine......he's just a lil Cock eyed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with my second cousin, and now it's really awkward

I should have learnt my lesson with the first one.

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

Our two granddaughters promised us to let their younger cousin Jimmy (a little boy) to be included in their play.

After a while I found the 2 girls playing house in their room but Jimmy was nowhere in sight. Glancing outside I found Jimmy sitting alone on the front step.

"I thought you were playing house with your cousins.

He answered, "I am. I'm the dog and the dog isn't allowed in the house!"

At my cousin's birthday party, I held up a photo of my uncle and said "It's amazing how you look just like your father did at 40!"

That's the last quinceañera I get invited to.

I asked my cousin if business is booming.

He sells explosives.

My Siberian cousin was kidnapped while taking a selfie.

In Soviet Russia, pictures take you.

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Man to therapist : "I just fucked my fourth cousin."

Therapist : "Is that a problem for you?"

Man : "The problem is that I'm counting."

I questioned my sister and my cousin about any incest in the family

She didn’t know of any

Remember when Smeagol choked his own cousin to death to get at the One Ring?

Yeah, it was pretty metal.

My cousin is obsessed with football (soccer). So when I entered his room...

When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself...

That’s a Messi room.

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The other night I ended up getting real drunk and having sex with my fourth cousin. I was so ashamed.

Cuz I remember after the first three I said I was done.

My friend from Alabama introduced me to his wife and cousin.

Her name is Susan.

Joke by my little cousin : Which Dino was the best in English?

The Saurus

My Cousin VS. My Aunt

My cousin is 28 and my aunt keeps pestering her about having a boyfriend because she wants grandchildren, my cousin keeps declining her because she already decided to be single for the rest of her life, this kept going on for months now and my cousin hasn't said anything until now...

Aunt: Yo...

A man from Alabama goes out to dinner with his wife, his mother, and his cousin

He says, “table for two please”

A Kentucky farmer visits his farmer cousin in Ireland. The Irish farmer lives alone and the Kentucky Farmer asks how he avoids loneliness. Irish farmer says "The Sheep." "I could never!" replies the Kentucky Farmer. "Sure you could." The Irish farmer retorts...

"...Just pretend it's a chicken."

I like my cousins like my ham

Inbred

My cousin told me this joke

J (cousin): Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: why did the chicken cross the road?

J: to get to the idiots house, knock knock

Me: who's there

J: the chicken

Me: oh you must be looking for my cousin, let me go get him for you.

J: silent from shock

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

My 8 year old cousin: " Why did the chicken cross the road?"

8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house.

Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.

8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock

Me: Who's there

8yo: The chicken.

My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.

She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so s...

I remember the time my cousin completely lost it and threw a giant fit at her 12th birthday party. After she changed her outfit she was fine...

It was a post dramatic dress

I am in the hospital because my cousin’s brother swallowed a 16gb memory card and he is singing all songs in it

Were hoping it doesn't reach video folder...

My cousin always introduces himself as "Stephen with a P-H"

It's because he's slightly acidic

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Hello! Mr. Hussein?

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam...

What do you call Mary J blige’s over accommodating Irish cousin?

Mary O’Blige

My cousin thought he won a staring contest with the sun.

He said "5 minuets in everything went dark so the sun must have closed its eyes."

A Mexican man visits his cousin in the US

He wants to watch a baseball game; an integral part of American culture, he has heard. Unable to purchase a ticket, he scales the stadium facade and watches while clinging to the roof.

Afterwards, his cousin enquires about his experience.

“It was great!” He says. “Americans are so co...

I asked my little cousin if he ate?

and this little boy said, "Nah I'm 6"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once asked my cousin why he was gay

I couldn't get a straight answer

Saw my cousin walking down the street

Her dog got its foot stuck in a drain. I asked her if she needed help dealing with it. She told me to flip off. What a ungrateful brat, I muttered while putting my gun in its holder.

So I banged my 3rd cousin the other day

I'm really surprised how I even managed to bang more than two of my cousins

Einstein's second wife was his cousin ...

... so I guess sometimes love is relative.

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My cousin just said this to me...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strang...

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What do you call it when you catch peanut butter and jelly having sex but they find out that they're cousins?

Inbread.

To our American cousins...

Its lift, not elevators.
Cash machine not ATM.
Hospital, not business.

What is Hello Kitty’s sick cousin’s name?

Bron-Kittys

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally made out with my 3rd cousin last night

The first two were pretty pissed when they found out.

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What do you call a guy who fucks his cousin on Halloween?

A pumpkin.

A Joke from my little cousin

What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up?


An Orangatangle!

My cousin got mad this week, he thrashed someone with his dead phone.

He had a good lawyer and his phone was dragged to cord and charged with battery.

My cousin has the eyes of Jesus Christ.

He's cross-eyed.

My cousin decided to try parkour, so he jumped off a single floor hotel. Anyway, to make a long story short

would've helped. Funeral's Thursday.

I felt really bad after sleeping with my third cousin

So I stop counting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin got caught with his pants around his ankles in the supply closet at work

He said he really felt like a jerk.

A joke my cousin told me when we were 8

There was a man in a job interview. The CEO of the company asks:

-Where do you used to work at?

-Oh, I was a monster hunter.

-But monsters don't exist!

-You're welcome

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My mom caught me making out with my 3rd cousin and she’s pissed...

I don’t know why though, she didn’t care about the first two.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day I had sex with my third cousin.

She was way better than the other two.

My cousins are like the letter K.

They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.

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Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin

Did you know that Einstein married his Cousin,
Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.?

At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed".

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large mammary glands, the attraction...

Just a quick note to my American cousins. Voting is like driving a car....

'D' to go forward.

'R' to go reverse.

Bruce Lee had a cousin who used to get beaten up a lot...

He was known as Bruise Lee.

Albert Einstein married his cousin Elsa

Even his marriage was relative.

The two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum. But did you know that...

...Bilbo’s great great half uncle was a troll, and Gollum’s second cousin once removed was a troll.

They’re the troll kin white guys.

Did ya hear about Donkey Kong’s Asian cousin, Viet Kong?

He specializes in Gorilla warfare

One day, Johnny comes home from school and asks his mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

"The stork brought you here," says the mother.

"And how were my brother Joel and my sister Emily born?"

"The stork brought them, too."

"And how were you born?"

"The stork also brought me."

"Did the stork also bring Uncle George and Aunt Ruth and Cousin Evan and Cou...

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Late one night in the Adams family household Cousin Itt was feeling horny.

His mind could not stop thinking about how earlier that day he'd seen Morticia lounging by the pool. Her pale goth flesh, pert breasts and slender hips were too much for him to take so with a flourish he did the deed and in doing so shotgunned his seed all over his fur. I will clean it in the morn...

How about a blond joke. My cousin blond* was once asked at a restaurant if she wants her egg poached.

She promptly replied "isnt that illegal." True story too.

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?

A redneck.

What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe?

Your Majesty.

I asked my cousin how he feels about his birthday being 9/11...

He said it's great because everyone remembers it's his birthday.

They "never forget"

Is it OK to sleep with a second cousin?

I say if the first one didn’t mind, go for it.

How did the Jewish onion greet his cousin?

Shallot.

My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.

I think it's just a stage he's going through.

Paddy had just arrived in New York from Ireland and was invited by one of his American cousins to go to his first baseball game.

Seated in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, he watched as a man swung a
stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag
down the line. Everyone stood up and yelled,
"Run, run!"
Then a second guy came up to the plate,
whacked the ball and started down toward the
white bag. Everyone sto...

Sorry, I have to share this joke my little cousin said over thanksgiving break!

Him: “Hey what kind of dent do you get when you run into a Hippo?”

Me: “idk what”

Him: “A Hippo dent”

I’m not entirely sure if he knows how jokes work but hey he’s trying!

Apparently Darth Vader has a right-wing billionaire cousin

His name is Tax E. Vader

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

A city lawyer goes to visit his farmer cousin in the country.

On arrival, he sees a pig with a wooden leg.

He asks his cousin, "What's the deal with that pig?"

The farmer replies, "Oh, he's special. When my daughter Susie was trapped in a burning barn, he ran in and saved her. And when my son Owen fell down a well, he came and got us and led us r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.

It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.

John gave his hillbilly cousin Billy a phonecard. "You can make calls with this ." John then went to get a drink.

In the corner of his eye, he noticed Billy whispering frantically into the card: "Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?"

I feel bad for the queen

Gotta be hard losing your husband and cousin on the same day

What do you call cousins who sleep together?

Nap kins

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy urbanite decides that he wants to start a farm...

... so he heads out into the countryside to ask for his cousin's help.

"The way I see it," the man says, "I should probably start small. I'll need a chicken and a rooster, and I'll also need a donkey to haul my cultivator."

The cousin scratches his chin as he listens to this. "Well, ev...

I just got an invitation to my cousin's wedding

They didn't give a dress code, but I've got to assume it's a black mask event

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband on his death bed calls his wife and tells her, when I die make sure you marry my cousin.

Confused, the wife asks "why?".

"many years ago that bastard sold me a faulty car"...

My cousin has dark hair. His wife is blonde. All four of their kids have light colored hair.

Genetically speaking, there's a 15 in 16 chance that she's cheating.

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

One time my cousin called me after a night of drinking...

"Hey man I just woke up in some desert and have no idea where I am! You gotta help me!"

I took a deep breath and said "Relax bud lets figure this out. Look around you what sort of things do you see?"

He told me it was pretty much all sand around him minus some rocks, mountains in the d...

What's the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian cousin?

BrocoLee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin is a super hairy dude,

We used to nickname him Cousin "It" affectionately.

I remember chatting to him in our freshmen year trying to figure out what our dreams and aspirations were. Cousin It was a weird dude, he didn't really fit in most circles! He was always super quiet and didn't stand out much.
He was hell...

Just found out my stuttering cousin died in the prison

Damn... She couldn't even finish her sentence!

What do you get when you drop a piano on your cousin?

A flat relative

My cousin lost his job at the watch factory last week...

He just stood around all day, making faces.

I took my epileptic cousin to his first laser show.

He was literally shaking with excitement.

What does your hot aunt and hot cousin have in common?

It's pretty relative

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin was hospitalized after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum

Doctors described his condition as stable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and i made a list of people we would have sex if we got the opportunity

She chose Channing Tatum,David Beckham,Brad Pitt,Chris Hemsworth and Bradley Cooper.I chose her sister,her cousin that was at our wedding,neighbours wife,girl that works as a clerk in Walmart and our son’s biology teacher

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a red Indian with one testicle

whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'



The word got around and nobody called him th...

Why are panthers so much stealthier than their jaguar and leopard cousins?

Because they're never spotted.

Chewbacca's little cousin

Chewbacca's little cousin joined a group of his peers to compete in order to become co-pilot to one of the resistance's best pilots.

His little cousin went above the call of duty and wound up the best in the group.

What award did he receive?

Wookie of the year

I think my cousin has a crush on peanuts

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Einstein discover staring at his cousin's cleavage?

The 'Theory of Relative- Titty.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A letter from an Irish mother

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 2...

What’s worse? Banging your cousin or your niece?

It’s all relative

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin Jack was horse riding yesterday, and he wanted a break. But he couldn’t get down until the horse was satisfied

So I had to help my cousin Jack off his horse

I have a Request for European Redditors, When my cousin Miles visits next year...

Please don't call him Kilometers.

It just doesn't translate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 4 year old cousin told me this and I cracked up

Cousin: Knock knock

Me: Whose there?

Cousin: Weeneeda maka change butt

Me: Weeneeda make change butt who?

Cousin: Yes Michael, we need to make a change, but who? Who will be the first to stand up? We have burned through our resources leaving the planet cracked and bruised...

What's the best part about banging your cousin?

It makes your sister jealous

My cousin got cancer 3 times..

and survived both of them!

My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.

When they left...

What is the name of Haddaway's Russian cousin?

Vadislav

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