Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like goin down on your cousin...

It tastes the same but it just ain't right

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is an old joke my cousin told me. It never fails to make me smile :-)

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagno...

My cousin who stutters was sentenced to 6 months in prison

That was two years ago, but he still hasn’t finished his sentence

My little cousin was showing off that he sleeps in a race car bed

Jokes on him I sleep in a real car

So i banged my 3rd cousin yesterday...

My buddy told me to stop counting them

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

My 8 year old cousin: " Why did the chicken cross the road?"

8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house.

Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.

8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock

Me: Who's there

8yo: The chicken.

In America you call people who marry their cousins hillbillys

In Europe we call them Royals

How do you call Bruce Lee's vegan cousin?

Broco Lee

I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?"

Then i told him "its a long story"

My friend came by today, he looked visibly upset. He said he just slept with his third cousin.

I told him if it upsets you so much, quit counting them.

I had a cousin who created a cold air balloon.

But it never took off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cousin: "What are you doing in the bathroom?"

Me: "I'm losing my ass in a game of craps!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A joke my cousin heard from an amateur comedian in a New York show

I was at an anti-police violence rally and somebody was shouting "Cops suck dick! Cops suck dick!" And I thought to myself... "Man, if cops did suck dick I'd be committing crimes all the time!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Cousin was born with no eyelids. Later when he was circumcised, they used the foreskin to create eyelids for him.

Everything turned out fine......he's just a lil Cock eyed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex with my second cousin, and now it's really awkward

I should have learnt my lesson with the first one.

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin is a lawyer and his wife is a therapist.

She'll ask, "How does that make you feel," and he'll say, "Don't answer that."

Our two granddaughters promised us to let their younger cousin Jimmy (a little boy) to be included in their play.

After a while I found the 2 girls playing house in their room but Jimmy was nowhere in sight. Glancing outside I found Jimmy sitting alone on the front step.

"I thought you were playing house with your cousins.

He answered, "I am. I'm the dog and the dog isn't allowed in the house!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

My wife left me after I slept with my third cousin

Guess the third time isn't a charm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin was on his first leave since he went to boot camp to become a paratrooper.

We had a big gettogether at my aunt's house. My cousin had always dreamed of being a paratrooper, but there was one big problem: he was deathly afraid of heights. None of us ever thought he would go through with it, so when he came home for a break, we were all dying to know how it went. We gathe...

My cousin told me it's totally safe to get a dental piercing

Turns out he was lying through his teeth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had sex in an elevator, with my cousin....

It was wrong on so many levels

At my cousin's birthday party, I held up a photo of my uncle and said "It's amazing how you look just like your father did at 40!"

That's the last quinceañera I get invited to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man to therapist : "I just fucked my fourth cousin."

Therapist : "Is that a problem for you?"

Man : "The problem is that I'm counting."

My Siberian cousin was kidnapped while taking a selfie.

In Soviet Russia, pictures take you.

I like my cousins like my ham

Inbred

My cousin told me this joke

J (cousin): Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: why did the chicken cross the road?

J: to get to the idiots house, knock knock

Me: who's there

J: the chicken

Me: oh you must be looking for my cousin, let me go get him for you.

J: silent from shock

My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.

She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so s...

Have you ever heard of Supermans powerless cousin?

Norm-El

I questioned my sister and my cousin about any incest in the family

She didn’t know of any

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife:
Guy:- They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth.

He calls his cousin and asks,
Guy:- What's the weather like where you are?...

My friend from Alabama introduced me to his wife and cousin.

Her name is Susan.

Remember when Smeagol choked his own cousin to death to get at the One Ring?

Yeah, it was pretty metal.

My cousin is obsessed with football (soccer). So when I entered his room...

When I entered his room and saw that it was covered in posters of a famous Argentinian player, I thought to myself...

That’s a Messi room.

Joke by my little cousin : Which Dino was the best in English?

The Saurus

I asked my cousin if business is booming.

He sells explosives.

A man from Alabama goes out to dinner with his wife, his mother, and his cousin

He says, “table for two please”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other night I ended up getting real drunk and having sex with my fourth cousin. I was so ashamed.

Cuz I remember after the first three I said I was done.

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and begins to cry

The bar tender takes notice and asks "hey, what's wrong"

"I've been caught sleeping with my patients, I'm going to loose my license."

"You're crying because of that? My cousin sleeps with his patients all the time, you have nothing to fear."

"Oh yeah? Is your cousin a veterinar...

I remember the time my cousin completely lost it and threw a giant fit at her 12th birthday party. After she changed her outfit she was fine...

It was a post dramatic dress

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

With Apologies To Abbot And Costello

There were these two kids who ran away from their home in Why, Arizona. One was a tall, white kid. The other was a short, Asian kid. After running away from home, a police officer notices them. They were caught milking baby gila monsters for their venom. The cop didn't want to send them to juvi...

I am in the hospital because my cousin’s brother swallowed a 16gb memory card and he is singing all songs in it

Were hoping it doesn't reach video folder...

Who is Macbeth's clean cousin?

Macbath

My cousin always introduces himself as "Stephen with a P-H"

It's because he's slightly acidic

Einstein's second wife was his cousin ...

... so I guess sometimes love is relative.

(Not OC) A man is sitting down in his seat at the Superbowl when he sees an empty seat beside him...

He turns to the man sitting one over and says "wow, it's amazing to see an empty seat at the Superbowl."

The seated man says "It's my wife's seat, she'd come with me every year to the Superbowl but she passed away and couldn't make it this year.

The other man responds "Jesus, I'm so so...

A Mexican man visits his cousin in the US

He wants to watch a baseball game; an integral part of American culture, he has heard. Unable to purchase a ticket, he scales the stadium facade and watches while clinging to the roof.

Afterwards, his cousin enquires about his experience.

“It was great!” He says. “Americans are so co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally made out with my 3rd cousin last night

The first two were pretty pissed when they found out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you do when you're having sex with your cousin and get set on fire?

Stop, drop, and rolltide.

sorry

Saw my cousin walking down the street

Her dog got its foot stuck in a drain. I asked her if she needed help dealing with it. She told me to flip off. What a ungrateful brat, I muttered while putting my gun in its holder.

A Joke from my little cousin

What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up?


An Orangatangle!

What do you call Mary J blige’s over accommodating Irish cousin?

Mary O’Blige

[nsfw] Three guys were hiking and took a short-cut across a farmer's field, where the found a pig stuck halfway through a fence.

"I wish that was my Nancy, my girl friend" said the guy from Florida.
" I wish that was my cousin Mary-Lou" said the guy from Georgia
"I wish it was dark out" said the guy from Alabama

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Male Birth Control

So Cletus decided 9 kids was enough since there was no more room on their bed, so off he went to the local vet. He told the vet he and his cousin were through with having kids, and asked to be snipped.
"The way I see it" - said the vet - "You have one of two choices. You can either get a vasectom...

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

To our American cousins...

Its lift, not elevators.
Cash machine not ATM.
Hospital, not business.

I asked my little cousin if he ate?

and this little boy said, "Nah I'm 6"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once asked my cousin why he was gay

I couldn't get a straight answer

What is Hello Kitty’s sick cousin’s name?

Bron-Kittys

My cousin got mad this week, he thrashed someone with his dead phone.

He had a good lawyer and his phone was dragged to cord and charged with battery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day I had sex with my third cousin.

She was way better than the other two.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy who fucks his cousin on Halloween?

A pumpkin.

A joke my cousin told me when we were 8

There was a man in a job interview. The CEO of the company asks:

-Where do you used to work at?

-Oh, I was a monster hunter.

-But monsters don't exist!

-You're welcome

So I banged my 3rd cousin the other day

I'm really surprised how I even managed to bang more than two of my cousins

Just a quick note to my American cousins. Voting is like driving a car....

'D' to go forward.

'R' to go reverse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin just said this to me...

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night? The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strang...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when you catch peanut butter and jelly having sex but they find out that they're cousins?

Inbread.

The Princess and the Frog

One day a Princess was walking in her private garden when she spotted a large frog sitting by the side of the pond, staring at her intensely. Having heard all the magical fairy stories, she approached the frog and asked: "Oh magical frog! Is it true that you will turn into a handsome prince if I kis...

My cousin decided to try parkour, so he jumped off a single floor hotel. Anyway, to make a long story short

would've helped. Funeral's Thursday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin got caught with his pants around his ankles in the supply closet at work

He said he really felt like a jerk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom caught me making out with my 3rd cousin and she’s pissed...

I don’t know why though, she didn’t care about the first two.

The other day I asked my younger cousin if he’d rather get $1 for complimenting a stranger or $10 for insulting a stranger

In that instant he looked me in the eye and called me a “Freak of nature”. I quickly reminded him that I’m not a stranger because we know each other. To which he replies “There’s nobody stranger than you”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cousin-fucker in the U.S?

A redneck.

What do you call a cousin-fucker in Europe?

Your Majesty.

Albert Einstein married his cousin Elsa

Even his marriage was relative.

I felt really bad after sleeping with my third cousin

So I stop counting.

Did ya hear about Donkey Kong’s Asian cousin, Viet Kong?

He specializes in Gorilla warfare

My cousins are like the letter K.

They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Late one night in the Adams family household Cousin Itt was feeling horny.

His mind could not stop thinking about how earlier that day he'd seen Morticia lounging by the pool. Her pale goth flesh, pert breasts and slender hips were too much for him to take so with a flourish he did the deed and in doing so shotgunned his seed all over his fur. I will clean it in the morn...

How about a blond joke. My cousin blond* was once asked at a restaurant if she wants her egg poached.

She promptly replied "isnt that illegal." True story too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my cousin have sex quite often. I know that is wrong.

It's supposed to be my cousin and I have sex quite often.

I asked my cousin how he feels about his birthday being 9/11...

He said it's great because everyone remembers it's his birthday.

They "never forget"

Bruce Lee had a cousin who used to get beaten up a lot...

He was known as Bruise Lee.

Is it OK to sleep with a second cousin?

I say if the first one didn’t mind, go for it.

My cousin, a magician, decided to incorporate the use of trapdoors in his shows.

I think it's just a stage he's going through.

How did the Jewish onion greet his cousin?

Shallot.

Sorry, I have to share this joke my little cousin said over thanksgiving break!

Him: “Hey what kind of dent do you get when you run into a Hippo?”

Me: “idk what”

Him: “A Hippo dent”

I’m not entirely sure if he knows how jokes work but hey he’s trying!

Paddy had just arrived in New York from Ireland and was invited by one of his American cousins to go to his first baseball game.

Seated in the Yankee Stadium bleachers, he watched as a man swung a
stick, hit a ball and started toward a white bag
down the line. Everyone stood up and yelled,
"Run, run!"
Then a second guy came up to the plate,
whacked the ball and started down toward the
white bag. Everyone sto...

Trump is Darth Vader's cousin!

Tax E. Vader.

My 7 Year Old Cousin just told me this

yo mamas so fat when she fell down no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

A city lawyer goes to visit his farmer cousin in the country.

On arrival, he sees a pig with a wooden leg.

He asks his cousin, "What's the deal with that pig?"

The farmer replies, "Oh, he's special. When my daughter Susie was trapped in a burning barn, he ran in and saved her. And when my son Owen fell down a well, he came and got us and led us r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband on his death bed calls his wife and tells her, when I die make sure you marry my cousin.

Confused, the wife asks "why?".

"many years ago that bastard sold me a faulty car"...

What's the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian cousin?

BrocoLee

What do you call cousins who sleep together?

Nap kins

Three wise kings debated gifts for an upcoming baby shower.

"I've got it!" the first proclaimed. "Myrrh! I'll get some from our stores! The mother could make all manner of perfumes and medicine!"

"Fantastic idea!" the second agreed, and he gasped, "Frankincense! I have a bit left over from a recent voyage! I'll bring some along!"

They turned ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin was hospitalized after shoving 28 small plastic horses in his rectum

Doctors described his condition as stable.

Why are panthers so much stealthier than their jaguar and leopard cousins?

Because they're never spotted.

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

My 5 y/o cousins joke :)

Him:Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Him: To get to the stupid persons house.
Me: *voluntary laugh as older cousin*
Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?

Him: It's the chicken!

I fell right into the little tackers trap!

John gave his hillbilly cousin Billy a phonecard. "You can make calls with this ." John then went to get a drink.

In the corner of his eye, he noticed Billy whispering frantically into the card: "Hello? Hello? Can you hear me?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin is a super hairy dude,

We used to nickname him Cousin "It" affectionately.

I remember chatting to him in our freshmen year trying to figure out what our dreams and aspirations were. Cousin It was a weird dude, he didn't really fit in most circles! He was always super quiet and didn't stand out much.
He was hell...

Just found out my stuttering cousin died in the prison

Damn... She couldn't even finish her sentence!

My cousin lost his job at the watch factory last week...

He just stood around all day, making faces.

I just got an invitation to my cousin's wedding

They didn't give a dress code, but I've got to assume it's a black mask event

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother had to stop drinking whiskey

He tried whiskey from all over the world.

Irish whiskey made him always want to fight someone.

Canadian whiskey made him overly friendly.

Kentucky whiskey made him want to fuck our cousin!

I took my epileptic cousin to his first laser show.

He was literally shaking with excitement.

What does your hot aunt and hot cousin have in common?

It's pretty relative

My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.

When they left...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin Jack was horse riding yesterday, and he wanted a break. But he couldn’t get down until the horse was satisfied

So I had to help my cousin Jack off his horse

What’s worse? Banging your cousin or your niece?

It’s all relative

I think my cousin has a crush on peanuts

I just gave him some and his face turned so red

So, my 3 year old cousin was over this morning.

I needed to grab a quick shower as I let him watch cartoons in the living room. When I came out, there was black permanent marker all over my 55 inch TV screen. I LITERALLY FREAKED OUT. Does anyone know what is best used to clean blood out of a carpet?

What's the best part about banging your cousin?

It makes your sister jealous

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 4 year old cousin told me this and I cracked up

Cousin: Knock knock

Me: Whose there?

Cousin: Weeneeda maka change butt

Me: Weeneeda make change butt who?

Cousin: Yes Michael, we need to make a change, but who? Who will be the first to stand up? We have burned through our resources leaving the planet cracked and bruised...

One day, Johnny comes home from school and asks his mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

"The stork brought you here," says the mother.

"And how were my brother Joel and my sister Emily born?"

"The stork brought them, too."

"And how were you born?"

"The stork also brought me."

"Did the stork also bring Uncle George and Aunt Ruth and Cousin Evan and Cou...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.