Birth Control

A doctor who had been seeing a 70-year-old grandmother for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized
she ha...

A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. “Did God make you, PopPop?” the girl asks.

“Yep! He certainly did,” the old man answers.

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“And did he make me too?” she asks next.

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“Of course he did,” the old man answers again.

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“Well,” she replies, “he’s certainly getting better at it.”

At my granddaughter’s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest.

It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, “What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?”

I said, “The three most important words in a marriage are, ‘You’re probably right.”

Everyone then looked at my husband and he said, “She’s probably right.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Grandma and granddaughter

A grandma from a unnamed county was talking to her granddaughter about the insane progress made in the medicine field:

"When I was 20 years old the doctor, the head nurse, the doctor on duty, the emergency doctor, the paramedic and his asistant, the cleaning staff and even the doorman from th...

A joke for my granddaughter

My daughter had a baby girl yesterday and we live 1000 miles apart. I texted my daughter a first joke for the baby.

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Me: Hey baby. Do you know why the chicken crossed the road?

Baby: Of course I know the answer to that old joke, Granny. Do you think I was born yester...

The teenage granddaughter

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes....

As my two-and-a-half-year old granddaughter and I are about to go out the door, I look down.

As I looked down, our 'big girl' had her shoes on backwards. So I said, "Good job putting your shoes on by yourself, Love, but you have them on the wrong feet."
She looks down.
She looks back up at me and says with big innocent eyes, "But Grammy, I don't have any other feet?!" ♡♡

I visited my granddaughter last weekend.

I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century", she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.".

Well I can tell you this, that fly never knew what hit him.

"And this baby is our granddaughter. Her name is Degree."

"I'm sorry, did you say Deborah?"

"No, no. Degree. Our daughter left for University and came back with this. It's her Degree."

A man was talking to his granddaughter.

She looked at his wrinkled, aging face and asked "did god make you?"

He said "yes, dear he did."

She considered this, then asked "Did he make me?"

He answered again, yes.

And she says "He's sure doing a better job now isn't he?"

An old fire mage asks his granddaughter to help him set up a "Face Book".

After she helps him sign up, add some friends, and pick a profile picture, he decides to write a short profile description as well.

"What would you like it to say?" says the granddaughter.

"Well, first, I am a fire mage, and I... love lemon meringue."

The granddaughter nods "mm-...

A grandmother and granddaughter go shopping...

The grandmother is standing at the bottom of the stairs waiting impatiently for her granddaughter. When her granddaughter comes down, her shirt is low cut and see through.

The grandmother says, "you can't go out like that!"

The granddaughter replies "you can't tell me what to do, it's...

Joke from my 4 year old granddaughter... "Knock Knock"...

Me: who's there?
Her: Orange
Me: Orange Who?
Her: Orange glad I didn't say Police!

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In hard times, a young woman turns to prostitution...

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.

One cold evening, the brothel that the prostitute works in is raided by police. All sex workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.

As luck would have it, ...

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A long time ago, every village used to have its own scribe.

The scribes were the only people who knew how to read and write, and were enormously respected. They were considered the heads of each village, and helped out in the daily governing.

Well, the scribe of one of the villages had grown quite old, and was too tired to help every day. He got him...

A tough old cowboy from Texas

A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grand...

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The family is at the dining table.

The little 10-year-old girl does not eat and has her nose in her plate….

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After a few moments, she says, “I’ve something to tell you people”

Silence around the table.

“I’m no longer virgin”, and she begins to cry.

A long silence again.

&#x20...

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A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but littl...

Cunning

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer ar...

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a sperm test.

The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his sperm with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says:
"I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as wel...

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Birthday Party

A woman is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out..... caterer, band, and even a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. G...

Three Chinese Tortures

A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night.

After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers.

The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and...

Marriage joke

My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “what would you get?”

“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

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Difference in Grandparents

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends.

Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just him and his granddaught...

An elderly woman goes to the pharmacy and asks for contraceptives

The pharmacist is confused and asks why she would need them.
She replies "they help me sleep at night."
The pharmacist asks "how so?"
"When I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning I sleep better at night."

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Wrong queue !

This girl was a prostitute, but her "granny" didn't know about it. One day, the police rounded up a group of pro's and the girl was caught. The cops had them lined up against a wall of the street where they were caught soliciting. Just then the grandmother walked by and saw her granddaughter.
Sh...

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Dating a virgin

One day as I was walking around in the mall, I crossed paths with a cute but very thick girl with a very pretty smile. I screwed up enough courage to smile at her and say hello. Apparently that was enough for her to take interest, and even though I wasn't that into her once the initial novelty wore ...

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A elderly man stops a car in a deserted highway holding a shotgun.

The person driving the car pulls to a halt and stepped out with his hands raised. It was already 2am and it was completely dark. The old man ask him to unzip his own pants and release his penis. The driver was shocked and did so fearing whats he gonna do. The old man asked the driver to jerk himself...

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A 16 year old girl's parents die and she goes to live with her grandmother....

Her grandmother can barely support herself as it is and pretty soon they'll have to go live in a homeless shelter if the grandmother can't pay their rent. The girl can't stand to see her grandmother suffer like that so she becomes a prostitute at a local secret brothel. The girl does everything she ...

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That damn ice cream truck

There was an elderly couple that lived in a small town. The town had a gas station, a church, a small grocery store and just a few neighborhoods. The old couple lived in the neighborhood closest to the church. One day the man died and their granddaughter came by to visit with her now widowed grandmo...

this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel...

Grandma and her birth control pills

Grandma scheduled the first visit with the new doctor in town. The doctor's office told her to bring a list of her medications with her for the consultation. The doctor was reading the list and came upon one prescription. "Pardon me, but do you realize these are birth control pills?" asked the do...

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A man gets lost hiking in

the Chinese forest in the middle of winter. After days without food or water, fighting the cold, he sees a large house in the distance. With the last bit of his strength he treks to the house and collapses on the front step after knocking on the door. An extremely old man answers the door and helps ...

Grandma flies to a wedding...

Unfortunately the airline loses her luggage, including her dentures.
When she arrives her granddaughter's fiancé says: "Not to worry, my uncle Steve has a briefcase full of dentures"
Grandma has her doubts but sure enough Steve shows up in a nice three piece suit, and a briefcase full of den...

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Who is this?

An old Russian Jew, left behind decades ago when the rest of the family fled to Israel, had finally been granted permission to leave by the Soviet government. But not without a few last indignities. When he arrived at the airport, his luggage was confiscated and thoroughly searched in front of him. ...

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Hot Coffee...

HOT COFFEE



Gotta love those grand-kids ..



I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,

“What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presi...

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When I worked as Tech Support for an ISP I had a woman call outraged that we allowed "filth" on her computer...

After she calmed down slightly she explained that her 10 year old Granddaughter was sleeping over and they were having a "Spa Night" and did a web search on "Facials". . . .I was able to hit the mute button in time to avoid making matters far worse... True Story!

Fairy tales

My granddaughter asked me, "Do all fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time?”


I said, no, some begin with "If elected, I promise to……………………"

Perceptions vary

Following World War II, a general and his lieutenant boarded a British train. They sat across from an attractive young lady and her grandmother. As the train departed, it entered a long tunnel. Total darkness encompassed the train for approximately thirty seconds. In the darkness of those moments, t...

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Dat Riddim

A woman asked her grandmother how her grandfather had died. "He had a heart attack while we were making love one Sunday morning," Granny said. Horrified, the granddaughter told her that two people that old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no," said Granny. "Many years ago we reali...

A dying granny...

A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter. "I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and $22,389,630.00 cash".

"WoW!!" said the granddaughter 'Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this w...