UPJOKE
motherfatherfamilystepmotheroffspringsistersiblingancestorrearraisenurturegrandparentbring upfosterparenthood

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.

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A 6 year old boy visits the zoo with his parents…

…where they stop to see the elephant. While the father’s in the restroom, the son notices one elephant has a rather large erection. Curious, he gets his mom’s attention.

“Mommy, what’s that hanging from the elephant?” “Oh, that’s its trunk honey.” “No, further back!” “Ah, you mean its tail!” ...

I wanted to tattoo 'do not resuscitate' on my chest but my parents were completely adamant I didnt

I respected their wishes so tattooed 'I'm uninsured' on my chest instead

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Having homosexual parents must be terrible

Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They're disgusted by his haircut, tattoos, and piercings. Later, when he leaves, the girl's mom says, "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

What are a trans parents pronouns

Who/where

Little Timmy is called by his parents.

Father: "There's no easy way to tell you this: you have been adopted."

Timmy: "Whoa! Am I going to meet my real parents now?"

Father: "We ARE your real parents. And now go pack your bags. You're going to be picked up in 30 minutes."

Today I got fired for making a child cry at work. I only asked him where his parents were

Working at an orphanage is no joke

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A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her parents.

This is a German joke, but I think I found a way to translate it:

A girl wants to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents.
He knocks on the door and the parents together open the door and introduce themselves: "Hi, my name is Sarah and this is my husband Michael, nice to meet you!".
...

A joke about my parents marriage

My Dad: "I might be stupid but you love me"

My Mom: "Yeah well after almost thirty years together, you kinda start to feel a certain way"

Me: "Yeah, it's called Stockholm syndrome"

I saw a kid crying alone and asked where his parents was. He continued crying louder.

Anyways, working at the orphanage is fun.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

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The parents want to get rid of the family's pet bunny.

A family has a pet rabbit, but their son and daughter fail to do their part when it comes to cleaning its cage etc. and so the parents decide to quietly kill off the bunny and tell the kids that it ran away. So that's what they do, and since it's a well-fed bunny and they don't want to let all that ...

PSA for expecting parents

The name you give your child will follow them throughout their entire life, so choose carefully. Think of how it will be made into nicknames and how other people will say it.

Oh, and don't forget about the initials.

Sincerely,

Anna Nichole Amber Lewis and Clive Ulysses Mansfiel...

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Vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall, when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom... When she opened the door, she found her daughter scantily clad on the bed with a vibrator.

"What in God's name are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I’m 35 and still...

Someone told me I should talk to my parents more, but I'm too big.

In order to talk to my parents, I have to be a medium.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

The headmaster of a school arranges a meeting with a student's parents

"I'm sorry to inform you but your son has been blowing smoke in the locker-rooms everyday for around a week" The headmaster says

"What? I can assure you i have no idea where he learns such things! Could You call him here please?" The woman asks, angrily

A few minutes later a boy arrive...

I walked in on my parents when they were making love, but I didn't even know what they were doing.

And I was seventeen!

From the looks of things, neither did they.

A young boy approaches his mum and asks why he is black, even though both his parents are white.

The mother replies ‚My dear, it was one hell of an orgy back then. You should be happy that you aren’t barking.‘

Why are strict parents such bad quarterbacks?

They keep getting called for intentional grounding.

My parents always told me I'm a gift from the Lord

They just have to figure out how to return it.

A guy walks into a bar .........

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there mulling over his day he hears a high pitched voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!” The guy looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking no more of it. The voice, however, returns sayin...

I told my parents about a crazy job I wanted to take for minimum wage.

They said:
That makes absolutely no cents.

A motorbike got separated from its parents in a supermarket…

An announcement was made to help identify the bike.
“Has anyone lost their motorbike? He claims he is Harley & Davids son”

Dinner With the Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a wom...

The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said,

“We want ten thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again."

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Man is sitting in a bar staring at a shot glass, while a bartender cleans the table.

Suddenly a biker sits next to the man, grabs the shot and drinks it in one gulp before slamming the glass back in front of the man.

The man stares the glass for a second before bursting in hysterical sobs. Both the bartender and the biker stare at the man in suprise.

The bartender quic...

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms

The pharmacist asks "How Many"

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I think tonight's THE night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out, and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. So can I get 10?" The young man m...

I have the memory of an elephant

When I was six, my parents took me to the zoo. There I saw an elephant.

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You know how we know Jesus was Jewish?

He lived with his parents until his was 30.
He worked for his father.
His mother treated him like a god.
And he still thinks his mother was a virgin.

A girl gets a thorn in her hand...

On her way to a party, Trisha, a rebellious teenage girl drops her little sister off at a friends house. Trisha drops off her little sister, says hi to the parents and then leaves for the party.

The young girl runs straight to the backyard where her friends are. It's a beautiful summers even...

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When he was a little boy, Jonny loved tractors.

His wallpapers? Tractors. His toys? Just tractors? His clothing? All tractor-themed. Until one day, he was given the chance to ride in the cockpit of a tractor on his 6th birthday. He was sadly nearly crushed by the tractors wheels when he fell out of the cab, and the experience so traumatised him, ...

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My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

Worst Parents

I have the worst parents ever.

I asked them how they felt about abortion, and they told me to ask my brother.

Not only would they not give me a straight answer, I don't even have a brother.

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Three children ask their parents how they got their names

The parents reply to the first child, “That’s east Rose, not long after you were born a rose petal fell onto your head”.

The second child butts in, “But dad where did you you get the name Daisy?”

“The same as your sister, a daisy petal fell on your head”

“Mughuahuhwawawah”
...

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

A Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about my Mom "
"OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit".
"She had t...

Why do babies from anti-vax parents cry so much?

Mid-life crisis.

What did the famished eaglet beg his parents?

"Prey for me!"

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I walked in on my parents having sex once.

Most awkward 30 minutes of my life.

Mike was going to have dinner at his girlfriend’s to meet her parents for the first time

Before heading to her house he stopped at the pharmacy, tells the guy behind the counter

“Hi, can you please give me a rubber please, I’m going to meet my GF parents tonight and afterwards who knows right? Better yet give me two, my GF’s sister is hot too and she is always locking eyes with ...

Why was the pdf afraid of the folder?

It had a .rar file in it.

I know it's horrible, but I came up with it when I was twelve.

My parents nearly took my computer away.

Why didn’t Anna and Elsa’s parents teach them the whole alphabet?

Because they got lost at C.

Schools should teach useful things such as parenting skills to children.

Okay, that's not a good idea. Children will immediately realize that they have bad parents.

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

Not having rich parents is not your fault

Not having rich parents in law is 100% your fault.

^^^^not ^^^^sure ^^^^if ^^^^this ^^^^is ^^^^a ^^^^joke ^^^^or ^^^^just ^^^^showerthoughts

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Wood Eye

Little Johnny had a tragic accident and lost his right eye. His parents were poor and couldn’t afford a replacement so Johnnys father crafted a wooden eye to put in the empty socket.

Johnny was very self conscious and in turn was very shy, especially around girls. His parents encouraged him ...

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My first sexual experience was when the parents of the girl next door caught us playing "Doctor".

They didn't actually see anything, it must have been the $30,000 bill I sent her that tipped them off.

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a door-to-door salesman

A door-to-door salesman on his neighborhood rounds knocks on the door of a house. A little boy, no older than five, answers. The boy is wearing a velvet robe. In one hand is a brandy snifter filled halfway with liquor. In the other hand is a lit cigar. The boy takes a sip, then a puff.

The do...

Dear parents

if your kids are taking long inside the bathroom and you want them to come out, simply turn off the wireless/Internet.
and you might even see your neighbor showing up at your door, asking: is there a problem?

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

In class today, we’re talking about where are parents are from. I said my mom is from England and my dad is from the U.S.

“So you’re Brit-ish?”

Blondes

A young blonde, out of money and down on her luck, needed some quick cash. Desperate, she decided to kidnap a child and hold it for ransom…

She went to the local playground, randomly grabbed a kid, took him behind a nearby building, and in a stern voice she told him, "You've been kidnapped, ...

A sad first attempt at a joke

(It’s my first time posting here. Don’t blame me for the terrible joke lol)

A lawyer just lost a career making/breaking case so Satan sees this as an opportunity to approach him and make him an offer.

Satan: I will make you the most successful lawyer in history. You will never lose a c...

For my 16th birthday, my parents tried surprising me with a car

but they missed

I saw this kid crying today, so I asked him where his parents were

I couldn’t tell what he was saying though. It was hard to hear over the other kids in the orphanage

Today on a drive, I decided to visit my childhood home.

I asked the people living there if I could come inside as I was feeling nostalgic. They refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

I'm going to my parents' house to eat eggs benedict

You could say I'm coming home for the hollandaise.

Sharing

I stopped at a fast food joint for a meal while on a trip. I noticed a couple old enough to be my parents. The man cut the burger in half carefully, and then handed half to his wife. Then he counted out the fries, dividing them equally. He then put two straws into the soda, and took a sip.
...

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Little Johnny wakes up one night…

Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom.

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind.

Johnny screams.

Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for g...

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One night when my girlfriend was sleeping over, we were quite noisy during bed time. The next day, my parents brought us in for a talk.

They said "It's okay that you two do stuff like that, but please use a rubber and keep the volume down a little, ok?"
Which I responded to "I am sorry, the noise can be dealt with but condoms are for pussies"

"Afterall, we only had anal."

Just found out that my parents love my twin brother more than me.

Still, it was nice of them to invite me to his surprise birthday party.

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A traveling salesman walks up to a house.

He knocks on the door, and it’s answered by a 10 year-old boy. The boy is wearing a bra and panties, smoking a cigar, and holding a beer in one hand.

“Woah!” The traveling salesman exclaims, “Kid, are your parents home?”

The boy asks, “What the fuck do you think?”

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom.

On the way back to bed, he passed his parents’ room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, “Hey, Dad, what are you doing?”
The dad answered, “Playing Cards.”
Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?”The dad answered, “Your mom.”

Little Johnny then pas...

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Generational Trauma is bullshit

My parents belittled me for every small mistake or just being myself as a kid, and I turned out fine. I only have two felony assaults on my record, and I control my anger by making my son cry when I get home from work.

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My parents told me I was adopted.

You mean you're not my real parents?! My dad said, 'we are, you've been adopted, get your shit together, they're picking you up in an hour'.

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Two parents want to have sex

Their 7 years old son was in the room, so they tell him to go on the balcony to play with his toys

After the boy leaves they start having fun, after about 10 minutes the husband says:

-We should talk to him while he's on the balcony, i don't want him to feel alone

-Yeah, you're ...

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom....

He saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.


One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.


Litt...

I would never put my parents in a nursing home

I can't afford it

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I like my sex the way I like my car insurance

Paid for by my parents

Is anyone else terrible at remembering names?

I tried a new strategy with a guy I met recently. I was told to repeat someones name 3 times during introduction. He introduced himself to me with “Hi my names Jathon.” I reply. “Hey Jathon. That’s a really interesting name. Jathon. Where did your parents come up with Jathon?” He says “No need to be...

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

Sarah was so excited to be travelling without her parents for the first time

As soon as she entered the bus, she told the conductor to remind her when they reached Entebbe and soon they were on their way.

After a while, she asked the conductor, "Have we reached Entebbe?" "No," the conductor answered.

She asked again after some time but the answer was still the ...

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my parents raised me as an only child…

which really pissed off my sister

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A young man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time

A young man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. They're sitting in the living room chatting when he realizes that he really needs to fart. It's so bad that he's in extreme pain. Finally, he can't help it. He lifts one cheek and let's out a squeeker. "Spot" the father yells lookin...

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

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Kid failing English

A kid is failing English, and the teacher sends multiple notes home requesting to speak with his parents but doesn't get a response. One Saturday, the teacher decides to stop by the kid's house. When she knocks on the door, the kid answers.

Teacher: "Hi, Johnny, can I speak to your mother?"...

Just one kiss, please

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her doorstep. As they were about to wish each other goodnight,the guy started feeling a little in the mood.

With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, said to her,

“Honey, would you give me a kiss?”
...

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The Redneck Honeymoon

A guy redneck and a girl redneck just got married. It's the night of the honeymoon and the guy's parents come home to find their son sitting there on the couch.

"Son, what are you doing here? Tonight's your honeymoon, you should be with your bride."

The son looks up forlornly, with tea...

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Scoutmaster

Dear Dad & Mom,

Our scoutmaster told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 Sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we we're all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happen...

Little Johnny joke.

Little Johnny was a lazy student and was failing Math badly. His parents had enough of this, so they pulled him out of regular school and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, he came home and not a word, and headed up to his bedroom to do his Math homework. He was up there...

Two parents are dragging their 15 year old son to a lion safari.

"Mom, Dad, why do I have to go? I'm 15 and we're going to a frickin lion safari????"

"Son, it's pronounced 'African' Lion Safari."

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Memories of my grandma

I grew up with 2 brothers and a sister. Our parents tried their best - but it was difficult for them to make time for each of us as individuals. That's why each of the kids alternated spending a weekend at grandma's every month.

I always looked forward to that Saturday morning breakfast. G...

I heard we’re telling bad jokes, so here’s mine.

Long ago there lived a Cheerio in a small village beneath a giant mountain, which had a small town of its own on top.

This famous town was known for one thing, in this town, if you wait in line, you can receive anything that you want, but to reach it, you must climb the difficult mountain al...

When I was little, my parents got me a Dog and a Cat for my birthday.

The next day we named the Dog curiosity.

Kids orbit their parents like moons.

It's why they can't see their dark sides.

My parents named me after my older brother.

And before my younger brother.

My GF gave me a BJ on the drive over to her parents house.

In hindsight, she should have waited until after we dropped them off.

the joke is in the text below.

so i was walking down my neighboorhood and saw a kid in bad condition, with rags and all that.

i said "are you an orphan"?

the kid thought and hesitated and finally said, "yeah, what gave me away"?

i said, "your parents".

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were...

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A Baby Polar Bear...

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?"
The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear."

Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mo...

I googled “Rorshach test.”

But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

If you were born in September

It's safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang !

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Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

Was going to post an original joke my parents made 27 years ago

But r/jokes won't let me post my selfies

Americans care about Ukrainians like my parents care about unborn children

Enough to donate a couple bucks, but not enough to adopt one.

I'll never forget when my parents sat me down and told me Santa wasn't real

I was heartbroken...


I'm not sure how I managed to go to work that day!

My wife told me she wanted to have a threesome with me and one of her female friends.

I told her that if I really wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd call my parents.

Moving back in with your parents is not rent free.

There’s at least one or two of them.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

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