I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?

I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.

My parents treat me like a god...

...they don't believe in me.

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

I asked my parents if I was adopted.

They said, “Hell no, why would we pick you?”

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.

The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"

Two parents are taking their newborn son for a stroll. A passerby looks into the carriage and exclaims, "What a beautiful baby!". The father thanks the passerby, and added, "Yes, my son here is some of my best work!"

The mother, slightly miffed, asks her husband, "Why did you take all the credit? I carried this baby for none months. I delivered him after 10 hours of labor. All you did was have10 minutes of fun!"

The husband replied, "When you have a good meal, who do you thank? The chef or the oven?"<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history

It’s full of s&m porn.

Mom says: well what are we going to do?

Dad says: what do you mean?

Mom says: well.. we can’t *spank* him.

My parents are so strict when it comes to school,

that even when I told them I got stung by a Bee, they grounded me because it wasn’t an A.

Remember when we would cry as kids and our parents would say "I'll give you something to cry about."

We though they were gonna hit us but then they went and destroyed the ozone, housing market, and affordable college.

Divorcing parents

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any...

There is nothing more embarrassing than your parents entering your room in the morning when you have an erection

in your mouth...

The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'


''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about
my Mom.She was...

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

Timmy’s parents asked him why he didn’t play games with Dave anymore

Timmy replied: would you want to play with someone who screams, swears and throws with his controller when he loses?
His parents: no, of course not! Timmy: Well apparently Dave doesn’t either!

Years ago, the average parents had 4 kids.

Now, the average kid has 4 parents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just walked in on my parents having sex

It was the most awkward 45 minutes of my life

A man goes to court after murdering both parents

Judge: You are guilty for killing your parents. How do you plead?

Man: Guilty

Judge: I sentence you to thir...

Man: (In tears) Please Sir, don't be too harsh. You know I'm an orphan

A kid came home to find his parents sitting at a table, looking disappointed. “Son, you’ve been expelled,” his dad said.

“But I’m homeschooled!” he wailed in despair.

“That’s the point. Now get out.”

When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be whatever I want when I grow up.

I asked my mom, "So why did you want to be poor?"

She answered, "Because your dad wanted to be an art teacher."

My dad replied, "And your mom wanted a good grade."

What did the trans man say after finally telling his parents about his surgeries?

“It felt really good to get that off my chest.”

I finally understand why parents don’t want their kids to get vaccinated. It all comes down to fear. Fear that their child is

going to definitely end up smarter than them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shelley's parents finally built up the nerve to confront their daughter about her time spent at the beach everyday...

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

Mom : "Quite a little operation you have going on out here sweetie.. but are you sure you've given this enough thought...?"

&nbsp;

Shelley : "I sure have! This has always been my dream and I'm finally doing it! You should always do what yo...

My parents are both mimes, but they’ve recently filed for divorce.

They just don’t communicate.

I grew up so poor that my parents couldn't afford any toys

They had to cut holes in my pockets just so I could have something to play with at night.

What did Santa give to his parents when they asked for a divorce?

He gave them semicolons; they are great for separating independent clauses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I ended up becoming a prostitute as a result of a poor upbringing. Even though my parents weren’t rich...

I come from money.

The first time I went to stay with my girlfriend at her parents house

her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. which was a shame.



because he's very attractive.

I once met an Ewok with no parents.

He was an Endorphin.

What's it called when one of your parents is browsing on their phone?

The Elder Scrolls

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

Two parents wanted to make love

Two parents wanted to make love,but the children were still awake, so the mother said :who will sleep early today will get 100$,............................... ...............................................................................................................................................

TIL children of royalty had to stay a certain distance away from they parents in early England...

It was known as restricted heirspace.

I lost both my parents some years ago.

If only i had used a leash maybe they wouldn't have ran away.

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likable.

It was an autobiography...

My parents said I would never amount to anything if I keep procrastinating

I told them, “just wait”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm flying to Philadelphia to visit my parents today.

My husband, being the sick individual he is, said he'll miss me so much that when I come back he'll want to cum in my eyes.

Laughing but disgusted, I told him that I don't want semen in my eyes and I'd possibly just stay in Philly forever.

"Oh, come on," he said, "If it's between livin...

If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.

Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl wants to come out of the closet as gay, but is afraid of what her parents will think. She decides to tell them, so she says, “Mom, Dad,”

“I’m allergic to nuts”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I make mistakes my parents would always asked me, why do we make mistakes? To learn from them

Well the other day, I got drunk, really drunk, and for some reason I made sure everyone in town knew about it. I drove around exclamating curse words and screaming at people from things as simple as walking their dogs. Eventually I even tried to go back to the bar but I was so drunk they didn't let ...

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my parents jerking off today.

That was the worst 30 mins of my life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife refuses to have sex at her parent's house

which is annoying because not only do I have to spend money on a hotel but it's awkward hanging out with her parents until she gets back

Idk about you guys but my parents never taught me about "the birds and the bees."

So when it came down to doing it, I had no idea how to extract honey from a beehive

I love disobeying my parents

it keeps me grounded.

Do you know how Hellen Keller’s parents punished her when she got in trouble?

They rearranged the furniture.

Why do my parents get mad at me when I'm being lazy in my room all day?

I mean come on, I didn't even do anything

When I was little, I cried when my parents told me the sky was the limit...

I wanted to be an astronaut.

My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up.

Too much sax and violins.

My parents always said “I can’t tell you how much I love you.”

I understood why, it would probably be too harsh for me to hear.

For a while now, I always wondered how my parents passed the time in the 80’s and 90’s without social media

I asked my 32 other siblings and they’ve got no idea either.

My friend's parents run a marijuana bakery.

They make cookies, brownies, scones, the works. But my friend is odd. He will only eat edibles made by his mother, and he never touches edibles made by his father.



I think he has an edible complex.

My parents like making dumb jokes

That's why I was born

My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.

Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.

How many Anti-Vax parents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I'll ask when the Funeral is over

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a boy who is always in trouble, he is constantly upsetting the other children and damaging the school property. Eventually, a letter is sent home to his parents...

...saying the school has put up with his bad behaviour long enough. This morning, they found him masturbating in class so they have expelled him. The letter continues: “I
suggest you talk to your son about his dirty little habit as soon as possible. Tell him he’ll go blind if he carries on.
Yo...

Why did the Asian kid get beat after his parents checked his blood type

His blood type was a B+

Parents are like boomerangs...

They don't always come back, but when they do they usually hit you.

I took my date home to meet my parents for the first time and Dad said, “Why? You could do so much better than him!”

I said, “Dad, I’m right here.”

When I was a child my parents fed my lots of chocolate, peanuts and raisins.

Probably explains why I was a little Chuncky.

I don’t get why Elsa was so sad after her parents died at sea

She should really learn to Let It Go

Parents come for their son to tell him a secret.

Parents: "You are adopted."

Son: "What?? Who are my real parents??"

Parents: "Oh, we are, but your new ones are waiting outside."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My parents taught me well

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't stra...

A boy is visiting his girlfriend's parents for the first time.

He's looking for a drinking glass when he notices a row of cups in the cabinet, each of them inscribed with what seems like half words. He picks one of them down just as girlfriend's mom walks in, and he asks her what the cups are for.

"Oh those. They're family cups, one for each member, but ...

Why did young Beto O'Rourke's parents have to fire their butler?

He kept calling their son Master Beto.

My parents tried to get me aborted

But the doctor said 18 years was too late

Indian parents can never like OnePlus

Because it tells you to 'Never Settle'

Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler's outbursts a "temper tantrum."

They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my parents got divorced I remember the seemingly endless custody battle they had over me.

I can still hear the fighting in my head.

Mom: You take him!

Dad: I don't want that little shit he's your problem.

Anti-vaxx parents don’t raise kids

They lower coffins

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenager was sick and tired of his parents.... [Dad Joke]

A teenager was sick and tired of his parents.

He decided that he needed them gone. As he was walking, he saw a man with a sign that said “Homeless vet. Need money.”

“Perfect,” he thought, and approached the veteran. They negotiated a deal, but the teen had no money - but, he figured,...

Circumcision is a serious operation that should be discussed at length between parents and health care professionals.

I couldn’t walk for an entire year after I got mine

Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front

Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet?

Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born.

Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy?

Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head.

Girl 3: Jwoandb...

The cryogenics company was going out of business so I had to take my parents head's home. We were never close,...

...our relations were thawed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.

I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.

Jokes about anti-vaxxer parents never get old.

Just like their kids.

My parents treat me like God

... They don’t believe in me


(Not mine, but certainly made me blow out some air through my nose)

A boy walks in on his parents making love.

The parents quickly cover themselves and ask what he’s doing here.

The boy doesn’t answer, but asks, “What are you guys doing?”

The dad says, “Well, I’m putting a little baby brother in your mom.”

“So that’s how a baby is made?”

“Yup.” Replies the dad.

The boy shru...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

What do antivax parents order at a bar?

Anything but shots

How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her as a kid?

*They left the plunger IN the toilet*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

It's too bad my parents don't watch Game of Thrones

Because then I wouldn't be the biggest disappointment in their life.

My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up

I'm an only child :(

What did our parents do to kill time before the internet?

I asked my 16 siblings and they didn't know either.


Not oc but thought I'd share.

I was kicked out of the house by my Asian parents

because I got an O for my blood test instead of an A+.

I thought of this joke myself, but I'm not sure if someone else made it earlier than me.

I don’t think I would ever try a threesome

If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I’d go out to dinner with my parents to catch up.

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