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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

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My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.

As my wife walked out again she said: "you should stay on the porn channel... you know how to fish."

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I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on this crossword clue “Overworked Postman”— can you help?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

Me: I’m guessing—- Too many.

A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar

The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

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A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him ...

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

I wanted to name my son Lance, but my wife said it was to uncommon...

... I told her that in medieval days, people were named Lance a lot.

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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

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My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal.

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

My wife said "you arent even listening to me are you"

That's a weird way to start a conversation

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron."

She was watching our wedding video again.

After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

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My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school.

I said, “Yes, but I was part of the control group.”

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila

"You're coming home now!" she screamed.

"No, I'm not," I laughed.

She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked...

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"


Sounding concerned I replied "No..."


She responded "How about now?"

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

My wife called me and said “ If you’re not home from the bar in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked for you to the dog.”

I was home in 3 minutes, I’d hate for anything to happen to the poor dog.

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Husband and Wife

A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for Peni$es. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10."

Husband: "What about one my size?"

Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"

Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his ...

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking h...

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

Farmers wife

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


"I real...

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My wife told me that “sex is better on holiday”

Not the best postcard I’ve ever gotten

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'w...

A husband is doing crosswords with his wife.

**Husband:** Emphatic no; five letters.

**Wife:** Never.

**H:** Pistol; three letters.

**W:** Gun.

**H:** Disgust; three letters.

**W:** Ugh.

**H:** Charity; four letters.

**W:** Give.

**H:** Female sheep; three letters.

**W:** Ewe.
<...

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

My wife left me because I’m insecure.

No wait she’s back. She just went to get coffee.

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! W...

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

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My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children

If anybody else does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

My wife is mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed down my stuff and right

Three men are chatting when the first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber.

"I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe."

"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician," says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A box of fuses."

"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse," says the thi...

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She replied, "Yeah..."

"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."

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What did the Praying mantis say to his wife after sex?

so no head?

My wife stared at me in disbelief and cried, “You’re shirtless and also covered in… oil?!” I chuckled proudly, “Well, you’re always saying..."

"...I never glisten!"

She screamed, **"LISTEN!!** You never **listen!!"**

My wife said she’d leave me if I kept quoting Shrek and I didn’t believe her

But then I saw her face

My wife asked me, “If I die, will you re-marry?”

I replied, “I don’t know love, I don’t think about those sorts of things.”

“Well If you did, would she live in our house?” she asked

I said, “I don’t know, I haven’t thought about it!”

Then she asked “Would you let her wear my clothes?”

I replied “Nah she’s not your size”

At last.......I have managed to find my wife's 'G' spot....

....who would have thought her sister had it the whole time

Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.

Einstein: Tell me what you need, I'm here to help.

Wife: I just need two things right now, some space and time.

Einstein: Ok, so what's the second thing?

Mark and his wife were driving along a country road.

They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. "Relatives of yours?", asked Mark sarcastically.

"Yes," she replied. "My in-laws."

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I asked my wife if she preferred Christmas or sex.

She replied:

“I prefer sex. We have Christmas every year.”

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Me and my wife decided to spice up our camping trip by having sex

It was fucking in tents

Doctor told my wife "It looks like you are Pregnant"

Wife- "really, I'm pregnant?"

Doctor- "No, it just looks like you are Pregnant"

Wife- "it runs in our family"

Doctor "Nobody runs in your family"

I was struggling to get my wife's attention

So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick

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The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I ca...

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‌‌A husban‌‌d notice‌‌s hi‌‌s wife’‌‌s hearin‌‌g i‌‌s deterioratin‌‌g an‌‌d decide‌‌s t‌‌o visi‌‌t he‌‌r docto‌‌r fo‌‌r advice.

“‌‌I can’‌‌t spea‌‌k t‌‌o m‌‌y wif‌‌e directl‌‌y a‌‌s sh‌‌e migh‌‌t fin‌‌d i‌‌t offensive‌‌, give‌‌n ou‌‌r ol‌‌d age‌‌” h‌‌e say‌‌s t‌‌o th‌‌e doc.

“There’‌‌s ‌‌a simpl‌‌e tric‌‌k yo‌‌u ca‌‌n tr‌‌y t‌‌o determin‌‌e he‌‌r hearing‌‌” explain‌‌s th‌‌e doctor‌‌. “Simpl‌‌y as‌‌k he‌‌r ‌‌a questio‌...

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A man was teaching his wife golf...

The wife struck the golf ball so hard that it went to the neighbours house and they heard a crash like it broke something.

Embarrassed and apologetic, they go over to the neighbours house and let themselves in.

They see a broken vase on the ground and a man standing near it.

...

My wife just found out she's adopted.

She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears.

On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day

Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seem...

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

"This is our child 모 Lester"

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Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

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The wife said she's leaving, because of my sexual fetishis

I said that's great! Slam the door on my cock on the way out

A man named Rick walks into his room after a long day of work and sees his wife crying on their bed.

He askes her what it was all about and she said that she had been threatened by someone she thought was her friend earlier that evening.

Now, Rick has no idea how to handle this, so goes to confront his friend Lee, who has some experience with things like this.

After a long discussion...

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

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A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch

Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down ...

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A wife yells at her husband

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"

Husband: "What did I do?"

Wife: "You slept with my sister, you bastard! "

Husband: "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what do you expect me to do? "

Wife: "The fucking a...

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche. Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous!” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too!!” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number!?”

An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.

The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."

That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"

He hears ...

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"How can you watch porn but still claim you love only me?" My wife asked

" The same way I watch Formula 1 whole weekend but still happily drive my 2010 Toyota Camry everyday" I replied..

That satisfied her...

I just failed to mention I take rental at Enterprise when I go on business trips

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NSFW in an attempt to help me cut down on masturbation, my wife told me I have to do a chore around the house Everytime I masturbate.

Let's just say the neighbors were not amused at me trying to mow the lawn with one hand.

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Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

I asked my wife..

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said,

"You're an 8 on a scale of 10."

I still don't get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton..

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A man ended up in hospital and his wife visits him.

Wife: I barely got here. You wouldn't belive what happened.

Housband: What happened?

Wife: My car broke down. So I asked taxi to take me here. When I told him I don't have enough money, he said "You are either going to sing me a song, or you're going to suck my dick."

Housband: ...

My ex-wife was a great housekeeper

She kept the house.

German joke translated, hope you get it: "Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend..."

"With who?"

"Thomas."

"But since when is Thomas your best friend?"

"Since yesterday."

My wife told me she'd slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

Don't worry guys, i think she's jokinejkodoworkfjcjkskoe394oo2oc2i2fkf2uu3ug25r2u

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A man notices his wife's butt is getting big

I bet your butt is as big as my grill."

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure,
measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases
her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not
tonight," says his wife.

He asks ...

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My wife has a yeast infection..

Now she understands what it’s like to be with an irritating cunt.

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A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

A man's wife accuses him of "testiculating"

"What the hell is *testiculating*?" the man asks.

Looking both irritated and impatient, his wife responds, "It's when a man is talking bollocks!"

The man considers this for a moment."Tell me something," he finally says. "Are you on your period?"

"Yes," his wife answers. "Why?"...

I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"

She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"

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Angry neighbour "You slept with my wife, I am going to make you pay for that!"

Man: Bullshit, why should I pay twice.

I accidentally called my wife a ‘trophy’ the other day...

She shot back, “Oh come on, just because you always finish first doesn’t mean you win anything!”

My wife said nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

My wife says I only have 2 faults.

I don’t listen and something else...

When I get get home I’m ripping my wife’s panties off

They’re starting to chafe

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I was fucking my secretary up her arse and my wife walked in.

She said "You cant do this to me!" I said "I know... that's why i'm doing it to her."

I told my wife I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on. She said, “Where would you find the time?”

I said, “Easy. Right next to the sage.”

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A man runs into a Doctor's office and shouts "Oi! You told my wife she has a nice fanny!"

Doctor: No, I said she has acute angina...

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My wife is a sexaholic

No matter what time of day or night my wife always wants to make love, I can't even brush my teeth without her humping me, ealier I went to the kitchen for a gllllas of wattrr an myy wif e un ziiipp ed panntss a nd themn adwrer sdoa akdbw aldb tees yhalfb hdjjwj snkkdbf jskdnruw

I know my wife loves me and all, but I don't think she needs to tell everybody.

Just yesterday, when the mailman arrived at our house, she rushed downstairs yelling, "My husband is home! My husband is home!"

My wife's mad at me because last night she asked me if I could have a threesome which of her friends would I choose.

I guess I probably shouldn't have chosen 2 of them.

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Husband and Wife, lying in bed just after a wonderful night of sex.

Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed.?

Husband: Yes I love that trick you do with your mouth.

Wife: What trick.?

Husband: The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep...

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Wife: I am leaving you

Husband : is it because I speak so quietly

Wife: you asshole you could at least say something

Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.

Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

“Do you realise what time it is?!?” she stammered.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought som...

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My ex wife left me because I was banging prostitutes behind her back. When she found out, she told everyone I was a sex addict. She was 100% wrong, though.

I fucked all those prostitutes raw. That makes me a gambling addict.

I have good friends, a wife that loves me, and a family that respects me

You want me to leave that behind and take my schizophrenia medication?

Last night my wife asked me if I wanted to dress up as a clown, hide in the drains and scare her

but I didn't really feel like It.

My wife told me I need to start making money.

Turns out you need a special type of paper.

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A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house

I said “decepticons.”

She laughed, I laughed, my microwave laughed.

I shot the microwave.

The wife comes home and has $5000 in cash.

When her husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She replies, “I won it in a lottery!”

To which he replies, “That’s great! Let’s go celebrate.”

The next day she comes home with a full-length mink coat.

Again the husband asks, “Where did that come from?”

She says,...

Difference between a wife and a girlfriend

A grandson asked his grandpa one question while on the way back from school.

Grandson: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

Grandpa thought for a minute and simplified the explanation like this:

Grandpa: Listen young one, a wife is like a TV and a girlfriend i...

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My wife asked me, "Is having a penis fun?"

I said, "It has it's ups and downs."

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A husband and wife

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts, MYPENIS and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, ERROR,NOT LONG ENOUGH

What do a school bus and your wife's throat have in common?

They both hold kids

My wife left me because I’m illiterate..

Well.. that’s what I’m assuming the note she left me said

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My son called my wife a bitch.

That son of a bitch is grounded.

My wife's cooking is pretty good, but it makes me sad when she uses so much spice.

I'm starting to think I have seasonal depression.

What's the difference between my corolla and my wife?

It leaks when I go under....

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My wife said...

“Did you know butterflies only live for one day?"

I said, "That's a myth."

She said, "No, it's definitely a butterfly!"

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A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”

Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”
First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?”
Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”

I went to a car dealership with my wife

We were intending to swap our old Ford to a newer one. The salesman sees us climb out of our car, comes up and says: "Is that an Escort?"

Me: "No this is my wife"

The wife of Korean immigrant was bed ridden with a high fever.

She hadn't had consciousness for a while and she was a burning 40 degrees Celsius. Worried, the husband tries to call for an ambulance, using his broken English.

"911 emergency, how can we help you."

"Wife in bed. She so hot."

"Okay... good for you."

I put my wife's old clothes in a charity bag outside the house this morning and got a knock on the door an hour later.

"We can't take these sir," he said

"Why what's wrong with them?" I asked

"Your wife's still wearing them."

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A man and his wife were searching through all sorts of porn for ideas to enhance their sex life.

After some searching they came across some pegging videos and it aroused them enough to go online and order some new toys to play with. The next night they break out the tools of the trade and start playing around. After some time getting ready and prepping with plugs and fingers, he says he’s ready...

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A man gives his wife blood to keep her alive.

Later they split up, man says, I want my fucking blood back,

wife throws a tampon at him and says I'll pay monthly.

What do you call a hippie’s wife?

A Mississippi!

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A old husband tells his old wife:- " can't feel anything in my butt" she says:- "are you serious?"

He says:- " i am deadass serious"

My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

My wife said that I should get in touch with my feminine side.

So I crashed the car.

Then I ignored her all day for no reason.

My wife left me for an Indian guy

I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

What did the Roman say when his wife was eaten by a tiger?

Gladiator

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

I asked my wife “on a scale of 1 to 10, what would you rate yourself?” And in a sassy tone, she said “11”.

I told her “Must be a pH scale cause you’re basic as hell.”

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She got really mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again.

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

My Wife and I were blissfully happy for 25 magical years..

.. and then we met.

Wife: Listen hubby, who do you like better, an intelligent woman or a beautiful woman?

Husband: I don't like either. I only like you.

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Tim's wife Shannon likes to yell at him.

"Why did you do that, for Pete's sake?" She'd shout whenever he did something she didn't like, which over several years of marriage, was quite a lot.

Until one night, Tim had enough. He left the house in a rage and didn't come back. In the morning, Shannon woke up to find a policeman at the ...

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A man suspected his wife was cheating on him.

He came home at lunch time and snuck in the house, to find his wife with another man on top of her. So he hit the guy upside the head with a lamp, knocking him out cold.

When the guy woke up, he was in the detached garage with his dick trapped in vise, with the handle broken off so there was ...

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Aspirin for wife

I gave an aspirin to my wife.

She said, what for? I don't have a headache.

Me: Good to know, we can have sex then.

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

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My wife said she would be pissed at me if I named our dog a silly name.

So I called her Bluff.

Two rednecks were fishing when one asked the other "If I slept with your wife, wouldn't that make us like family?"

His friend replied "No, that would make us even".

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A married couple had fallen on hard times. The wife proposed that she work the corner giving blowjobs for money.

The husband doesn't like the sound of it, but reluctantly agreed because he has no other option. He couldn't sleep the first night she worked, and was awake when she finally came back in the morning. He asked how it went, and she says it was actually pretty fun.

"How much did you end up maki...

When my wife was in labor I would tell her jokes to keep her mind off the pain.

She wasn't amused though. I think it was the delivery.

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A man wants to show his devotion to his wife for their 1 year anniversary...

A man wants to show his devotion to his wife for their 1 year anniversary the next day, and gets her name "Wendy", tatooed on his penis. When he comes home that night, he tells Wendy he has a surprise for her. He undresses and shows off his dong to her, but she is confused.

"Why did you get "...

NSFW The wife wanted to try masochism. "Hurt Me!" she said, as she stripped and lay down on the bed.

The husband said "Okay, You're a terrible cook, and your sister's a better lay"

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

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Husband comes home from his doctor's appointment telling his wife that he has a prescription for daily sex.

She grabs the script and says 'Nice try, this for dyslexia' !!!

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John is making love with his wife

John and his wife are living in an apartment complex and they make love pretty regularly. Every night when they do it the wife moans uncontrollably.
One day, John's old neighbor, Peter approaches him.
\-Hey John, uhm, I don't know how to tell you this, but every night when you make love to...

My wife thinks I compulsively buy tools. I tell her it's really not a big deal....

It's my vice.

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A man's wife was heavily pregnant

and had started to get a lot of weird food cravings. One afternoon she said to her husband "I'm really peckish and would love some escargot.. Can you run down to the deli and pick up some snails for me"

The man dutifully agrees and walks down to the deli and gets a box of snails. On the way b...

I’d been stealing my wife’s deodorants for months before I got caught.

She said “please stop keeping Secrets from me”

My wife complains I never buy her flowers

I didn’t even know she sold flowers.

I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant.

But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

**Wife:** whatever means necessary.

**Me:** No it doesn't.

My wife left me because she says I’m too obsessed with football.

Oh well, we had 5 good seasons together.

For our upcoming anniversary, my wife wanted something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds.

I bought her a scale.

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An angry man storms into the town pub with a gun. "Alright, which one of you bastards has been fucking my wife!?

A voice at the back of the room says, "Buddy. You ain't got enough bullets."

A man says to his friend: "I have not spoken to my wife in 18 months...

Friend says: "Why is that?"

Man replies: "I don't like to interrupt her."

My wife said she wants to donate her old clothes to the Salvation Army, so starving people can buy and wear them.

I told her that anyone who can fit in her clothes certainly isn't starving.

My blond wife said she was a gourmet chef, I asked her to make ceviche.

She burned it.

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My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion.

I said, “Honey, it’s not what it looks like!”

Either my wife genuinely thinks she's a goldfish...

Or she's just acting Koi.

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find...

A woman who had no degree, achievements, or useful skills, except for being good looking, used to be known only as a trophy wife

today they're mostly known as social media influencers

How long does it take my ex wife to screw in a light bulb?

Ha! My ex screwing, that’s a good one.

When your wife is complaining about looking overweight...

It’s probably best to steer clear of saying, “oh honey, lighten up.”

My wife constantly complains that I never listen to her…

Or something like that. I dunno I wasnt really listening.

This morning my wife asked me whether I had any dark stuff

And I admitted that between the pandemic and the Trump administration I’ve been feeling a paralyzing mix of anxiety and depression. Then she said “No, I’m putting a load of laundry in.”

Yesterday I was cleaning and came across pictures of my wife and another woman going at it

I came across it again a few minutes later. Unfortunately that time ruined it.

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The King had a promiscuous wife...

He did not trust her with his life, but custom dictated that he remained with her until the end of time.
One day came a call for war. The king and his soldiers suited up to face the enemy, but there remained one thing he had to do. To ensure that the queen wouldn't go whoring about in his absenc...

My wife’s asked for a threesome

The dude she brought back is a pain in the ass

Last week I was bored, so I decided to swap around the labels on my wifes spice rack. So far, she hasn't noticed.

Mark my words though, the thyme is cumin.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

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Last night my wife told me it was the best sex of her life and she never had better guy in bed

I wish I could post it in another subreddit.

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know how much she charges,

I told my wife the our phones were spying on us.

"Nonsense" she said. I laughed. She laughed. Siri laughed. Alexa laughed.

My wife would use a vibrator a lot when she was pregnant

Now my kid has a pretty bad stutter

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I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms

She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom, the man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks h...

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