My wife said to me "If I ever get Alzheimer's I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "That's the fifth time you've said that today"

I told my wife I’m going cool myself to -273.15 degrees C.

She has nothing to worry about, I'll be 0K

I finally found my wife’s G-spot.

Turns out, it’s in her sister.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

My wife has been missing for over a week.

The police said to be prepared for the worst. So I had to go to Goodwill to get all her clothes back.

A man shouted to his wife, "Honey, come in here and check out my clock."

She found him standing naked, with a hard-on. "That's not a clock!" she shouted.

"It is," he replied. "It just needs two hands and a face on it."

Wife strikes again but stronger than before!

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We had a wonderful system at the fire station:

Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets;

Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole;

Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks.

From now on, we're going to run this house the same...

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My wife just caught me blow drying my penis and asked what I was doing.

Apparently "heating up your dinner" is NOT the correct answer

Wife stops husband from doing what he wants

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”

Edna always replied, “I know Buddy but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”

One year Buddy and Edna went to the state...

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"Th...

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said, alarmed by the sound. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Whose is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I crawled in bed and slid my hand up my wife's thigh,

She turned over and scoffed: "I have a headache." "perfect!" I said, "I just powdered my penis with aspirin, do you want any it orally or as a suppository?"

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that...

I had picked 7 up!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.

“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed...

So I brought a world map and asked my wife to shoot a dart on it and wherever it lands, I will take her there for two weeks when pandemic ends.

It's her day 5 behind the fridge.

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

My wife yelled from the bedroom asking, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No."

She yelled back, "How about now?"

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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, havin...

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger references, but don’t worry...

I’ll return

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her." "You mean 'than'."

"No."

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A man decided to tattoo his wife's name on his penis before going to their honeymoon

When erect it proudly reads *Wendy* on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows *Wy*.

While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a *Wy* on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy.
...

What's the difference between a wife, a nymphomaniac, and a hooker?

The nympho says, "You're done already?" The hooker says, "Are you done yet?" And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

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Nsfw An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how can we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!"
*Hangs up

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The wife said she's leaving because of my sexual fetishes

I said fine! Don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out

I was sat at the end of the bed last night, Pulling off my boxers, when the wife said to me....

"You spoil those dogs"

If your wife ever asks you which of her friends you want to have a threesome with,....

Do not give two names!

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant. A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away. The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. ...

An 88-year old man came to the hospital and said to the doctor, “Doctor, my 18 year old wife is pregnant with my child.”

The doctor paused and said, “There was a master bear shooter in a village. He never missed a shot.

But one day he was in a hurry, and took his umbrella instead of his rifle by mistake.

When he encountered a bear, he still didn’t realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the...

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So I was telling my wife about how I got fired from the golf course earlier.

Her: How? What happened?

Me: They caught me putting my dick in the golf ball washer.

Her: \*laughs\* So then what happened to the golf ball washer?

Me: She got fired too.

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Wife has a sense of humor!

I asked my wife why did she marry me.

Wife: "Because you are funny."

Me: "I thought it was because I was good in bed?"

Wife: "You see? You're hilarious."

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What is the worst thing your wife can say during sex?

Honey, I’m home!

Woman stopped me at the station and said for twenty bucks she'd do things my wife would never dream of ...

I gave her twenty bucks and she ironed three shirts.

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The wife walks in while watching porn

My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.

As my wife walks out again she says: "You should stay on the porn channel... You know how to fish."

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My scientist wife decided to test the hyphotesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's only been a week, and I've already concluded...

...that I'm in the control group.

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless..

It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

Wife: I am going to London for 5 days, what should I get you on my way back?

Husband: A cute British girl.

\*wife returns from London\*

Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait nine months.

What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and use lubrication

My wife told me having a baby is the worst pain anybody can experience, but I said no, getting kicked in the nuts is worse

Because nobody who's ever been kicked in the nuts says "let's do that again" in 2 years

[Translated] A man saw a good deal and bought 20 panties of the same pattern and color to his wife.

Wife : Oh My God,now people will think I never change my panties.

Husband : Which people?

(Hope the joke didnt get lost in translation)

I've just found out my wife is really a ghost.

To be honest, I had my suspicions from the moment she walked through the door.

I think my wife is racist.

I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and now my wife isn’t talking to me.

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My wife is one of a kind. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

.
But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

What's the difference between your wife and your work?

After 10 years, your job still sucks.

My wife left a note on the refrigerator saying "This isn't working, goodbye"

I opened it and it works just fine..

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Some guys are arguing over who has the dumbest wife

The first guy says, "My wife spent $15,000 on a new kitchen, and she can't even cook!"

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My girl spent $45,000 on a sports car but can't drive a manual transmission!"

The third guy goes, "That's the best you can do? My wife packed a box of 50 condoms...

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A husband says to his wife, "Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?"

She replies, "I don’t like calling you when you’re at work.

Wife comes home from work.

Wife: I left my job today, I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me.

Husband: So what did he say.?


Wife: "Katy, you are fired."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

this morning, my wife saved me from choking to death on a custard cream biscuit.

The fat cunt had eaten them all.

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My wife said she was going to come to the Halloween party dressed as our Sex life

So she didn’t come

My wife spoke to me while staring into her mirror, she said 'I'm old, getting fat and look like I haven't slept for a week, I need a compliment'

I said 'Your eyesight is perfect'

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdfw7.

Q: If your dog was barking on the front door and your wife knocking on the back door, who should you let in first?

A: The dog, because at least it would shut up once it got in.

I think my wife’s cheating on me with my best friend.

He’s been miserable lately. Poor guy.

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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f...

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised.

So my wife is turning 32 next week.

I told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday.

"After all," I said, "The celebrations are only going to last half a minute."

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

I said, "It's your thirty-second birthday."

A husband was sleeping next to his blind wife…

He woke up feeling his wife’s hands touching all over his face. Annoyed he asked, “What are you doing?”

In a sweet voice she said, “I just love watching you sleep.”

Me and my wife have decided we don't want any children

We will be telling them tonight.

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Made some Indian food for dinner the other night. While telling my wife what was in it, I said I'd used butter in one part, but wished I'd had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued "Because it's more traditionally Indian."

"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."

 

Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.

My wife hasn't touched my genitals in years

She's a world champion at dodgeball.

I'm not saying my wife is ugly but...

Years of chewing tobacco has discoloured her tooth

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A man and his wife are on their bed one night

Their marriage has been on the rocks lately, and the wife blames it on the newfound piousness of the husband. Even now, she's trying to sleep early for work tomorrow but the man still has the lamp on; reading his bible in silence.

She didn't mind it at first, but then her husband started losi...

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby ...

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I was fucking my wife last night ( NSFW )

I was fucking my wife last night when she looked back and said ,"i'm feeling kinky tonight , turn off the light and stick it in my arse".

As soon as i did , she screamed

Maybe next time i should let the bulb cool down first

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Woke up, pissed, and went back to the bedroom to find my wife unresponsive in the bed. I couldn't find a pulse...

Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Five minutes in she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.

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A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

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Harry & his wife are having hard financial times ....

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

...

I haven't spoken to my wife in 3 days...

I didn't want to interrupt her.

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My wife says if this post gets 1000 upvotes I can get anal on my cake day

Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless

I told my wife I found another girl just to see her reaction

On the first day, I saw nothing, the same thing for the second and third day... Fortunately, I started seeing a little bit with my left eye on the fourth day.

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. (NSFW)

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone do...

A doctor is delivering a baby. The head comes out and the baby says “Hey, you my dad?”. The doctor is shocked, says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother. The doctors calls the gynaecologist over to have a look.

Again the baby’s head pops out, “Hey, you my dad!?” The gynaecologist says no and the baby shoots back inside the mother.

The doctor and gynaecologist decide they better get the father who was too squeamish to be in the delivery room.

So the father looks between his wife’s legs. The b...

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about my wife

I would probably think about her a lot more

My wife isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

I don't even know when her birthday is!

My wife left me because of autocorrect

That's the last time she'll ever text me saying "Can you please bring home some milf from the supermarket?"

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I took penis enlargement pills, but still my wife left me.



She just couldn't take it any longer.

Oh my goodness. First my wife is in hospital, and now my daughter!

Then again...

I guess that's just how childbirth works.

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

My wife hates to step on a scale

Because everytime she does, we have to replace it

A wizard doesn't finger his wife...

Elixir

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Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her tourettes. Turns out she doesn't have tourettes.

I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

Two wife's go on a night out...

Walking home later that night, the two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious:...

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The wife of a very rich man dies from illness.

To honor her, the widower announces a big funeral in his huge resort, where everyone they knew is invited. The guests arrive, and after the first day is over, everyone is preparing to go to sleep. As there are not enough rooms to accommodate everyone, the widower had 2 grand salons prepared with bed...

Why couldn't the Vampire get his wife pregnant?

He needs permission to come inside

My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

It’s part of her minstrel cycle.

I asked my wife why she never told me when she has the big O

She said she hates to bother me when I’m at work

Why did the Carpenter's wife leave him?

Because he was screwing around, when he should have been nailing her...

BB King's wife had a B tattooed on each of her cheeks for his birthday

She dropped her panties, turned around and bent over. "Surprise", she said. BB looked at her and asked "Who's Bob?"

My wife and I are going with Granite countertops for our new kitchen.

I don’t even like the look of Granite all that much but honestly I just couldn’t think of a counter-argument.

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Me and my wife are very compatible, I have a nine inch penis and

She doesn't know how to hold a ruler correctly...

When my wife told me that the Prime Minister of Canada got re-elected, I thought she was lying.

It’s Trudeau.

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Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch, thinking that their wife should be really happy.

I asked my wife I was the only one she’d ever been with

She said ‘yes, all the others were at least a 7 or 8!’

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Husband ask wife

Husband- tell me something that makes me upset and happy at same time.
Wife, replied - between all your friends you have the biggest Dick.

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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

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My wife calls me a sex machine.

I mean her actual words are fucking tool but I know what she's trying to say.

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My wife has an eccentric but harmless new habit. She started taking a fish to bed with her. It didn’t really bother me until last night.

When I suggested we have sex, she replied: “Not tonight, dear, I have a haddock.”

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

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A man's wife falls into a coma...

And after sitting by her side for several weeks the man finally has a new doctor give him some advice.

Doctor: Sometimes patients respond when they are given physical stimuli. What do you think about a massage.

Man: ok, I'll give her feet a rub.

After a few minutes the woman let...

Everyone asked a 100-year-old man and his 98 year old wife for their health secrets:

The old man said: I'll tell you my secret.
I've been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.

So I've been walking 5 kilometers every day for past 75 years!

Everyone applauded and asked again:
But ho...

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My wife recently asked me "what's it like to have a penis?"

"It's hard sometimes.."

Husband arguing with wife

This husband was complaining to a buddy that him and his wife were arguing and he hadn’t been home in a few days. His buddy told him what he does when he argued with his wife was to sneak into the house, lift the bottom of the sheets to the bed, and slide up until he was in between his wife’s legs a...

My wife phoned me while she was on holiday.

"How's the baby?" she asked. "Have you changed her nappy today?"

I said, "No, I haven't changed it all week, in fact."

"What? Why the hell have you not changed our baby's nappy? It's been five days!!!"

I said, "Because it says 4-6 months on the packet."

My wife and I were walking out of a nice restaurant, and there was a young teen in shabby clothes asking people for their doggy bags

We immediately gave him ours. I asked, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yes - what gave me away?"

I replied, "Obviously, your parents."

A buddy of mine has a wife in a coma but he refuses to call her a vegetable...

...he refers to her as his brussel spouse.

My wife said she could smell an Indian flatbread from a mile away.

I said that was naan scents.

Pierre Curie walks into his lab and says to his wife: "Marie, everyday you look more radiant."

[could be a repost]

Wife: I'm pregnant.

Me: Hi pregnant, I'm dad!

Wife: No, you're not.

I handed my wife a picture of a $50,000 Birkin designer handbag. "This is what I'm getting you for our anniversary!" She was so happy she started crying.

Who knew a simple photograph would mean so much to her?

My wife wasn't sure about getting a pet werewolf at first

But she's since taken a real lycan to him.

A wealthy man on a business trip calls home and the butler answers the phone: “Can I talk to my wife, please?”

The butler answers that she is currently in the bedroom with a man. “What?!! Take the rifle in my study, go to the bedroom and shoot them both - I’ll stay on the line”

“Very well, sir”, the butler answers and he walks away from the phone. After about a minute, the man hears two gunshots and a...

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife!

He said, "Why? Is she super-hot too?

I said, "No, she's an optometrist!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

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The man’s wife left him

Upset, he went for a drive and suddenly ran over a cop and crushed him to death.
Not knowing what else to do, he threw the cop in the trunk and drove to the cemetery.
When he got there, he came across a drunken watchman.
"Listen, if you bury this body with no questions asked, I'l...

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A man brings two ibuprofen and a glass of water to his wife of 30 years...

"What's this?" She asks.

"It's for your headache." He replies.

"I don't have a headache." She says.

"Oh good! So let's fuck" He replies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

Husband and wife are in bed and the husband starts in on the foreplay.

She stops him and says even though she wants to, she can't tonight. Why not asks the husband. Cause I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be nice and fresh.

Alright says the husband. He sits there for a moment and then says.

Well you ain't going to the den...

My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.

"I've cooked dinner," she screamed. "And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog."

"Woooah! That's bang out of order," I said. "It's not his fault!"

Dear sir, On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show.

Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt". Kind regards Channel Four.

Wife donated her clothes for the suffering poor

Told her, 'if they fit your size, they can't be suffering too bad' ...

Last night, I went to a bar with my wife and cousin.

She ordered beer.

What do you call a jaguar who cheats on his wife?

A cheetah..

A woman was out golfing and hit the ball deep into the woods.

When she went to look for it she found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever ...

Wife talking to Husband.

Wife: Why is it that, in Chess the King can only move one space at a time, but Queens are free to move wherever they like.?


Husband: That's because the board looks like a kitchen floor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife left me, so I posted all the nudes she ever sent me onto r/gonewild.

The mods removed them though as they go against the rules.

They don't allow reposts.

\[Not OC, but when I tried to give credit to the originator, whose name you'd never repeat in church, It got pulled immediately\]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

MY Wife asked

if I ever think about the hereafter.

I said I already do.

Every time I walk into another room, I ask myself, “Now, what am I here after?”

I used to work doing Colonoscopies when I got home I would tell my wife

Another tough day at the orifice.

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine

Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

A husband and wife and their ten kids are waiting to board the subway.

When the subway arrives, it is nearly full. The husband tells his wife "Honey, you should board this train with the kids, and I'll catch the next train." The wife does so, and the train departs with his wife and ten children.

While waiting for the train, there is an old man with a walker...

I accused my wife of putting glue on my pistol collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As the husband was walking to the door, the wife yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

Husband turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend.

So I did what any husband would do.

Took a rolled up newspaper and smacked him on the nose saying, "Bad dog! Very Bad dog!"

A University lecturer is struggling to please his wife in the bedroom

He notices that a student in his class, Andre, is always speaking to the female students and seems very popular with the ladies. One day after a lecture he approaches Andre.

'Things haven't been great in the bedroom with the wife and you seem to be popular with the ladies. Do you have any adv...

My wife thinks that I don't care for her relatives.

I told her that's not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost my wife at the airport.

Whilst looking for her, I bumped into this guy who had also lost his wife somewhere in the airport.

I thought best course of action is to look for both wives together, so I asked him what his wife looks like so I can keep an eye out.

He said "She's 21, tanned skin, 5ft 8", with lon...

A wife asked her husband,If you got a million dollars as lottery and kidnappers kidnapped me and asked a ransom of million dollars, what would you do?

The husband said, I don't think I could get 2 jackpots on the same day.

The wife was looking in the mirror, and remarked how old and fat she was looking.

I said if it's any consolation, your eyesight is still one hundred precent!

My wife says I only have 2 faults.

I don't listen and something else.

My wife called me the most unfeeling person in the world

But really she's the number one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked, “Do you know someone called Lisa?” “Nope”, I replied. “You must know somebody called Lisa”, she said. “Actually, that’s the name of my dog who died when I was a young kid. Why?” I replied.

“Because your dead dog just texted you and she fancies a shag tonight!”

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My wife and I have oral sex every day

Across the room she yells, “Fuck You!” And I yell “Fuck You too!”

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son ...

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An IT technician and his wife go to marriage counseling

The IT technician's wife frustratedly explains to the counselor

"Everything would be fine... but my husband just doesn't want to have sex with me!"

The counselor thinks for a second, then wonders:

"Have you tried turning him off and on again?"

For past 20 years, my wife has been complaining about my not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

This anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.

For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste.

I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.

Finally, last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "Why have you stopped br...

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There are four kinds of sex

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YO...

My wife said she would divorce me if I didn't stop my cheese related puns.

It's no fondue be married to such a Munster anyways.

You know the difference between my wife and work?

Two options:

1) work still sucks after a year

B) I still enjoy coming into my wife

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you ...

What’s the different between Bitcoin and my wife?

My wife doesn’t go down on me

My wife calls me "The Dishes."

Because she doesn't them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.

I went to visit the wife's grave today...

She still thinks it's going to be a fishpond.

My wife said I remind her of the covid-19 vaccine

Its over in under a minute and feels like nothing

My wife asked me which one of her friends would I prefer for a threesome.

I was supposed to stop at one, it seems ..

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A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry (NSFW)

They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the ther...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell. They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I complained to my wife that we never have sex

Of course, zero fucks were given.

A man cheats on his wife

A man cheats on his wife named Lorraine with a woman named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine dies. At the funeral the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" in bed.

I asked if she want to have sex. She said no. I asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time and said, "Yes.."
I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how to turn a wife into an ex-wife.

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A husband asked his wife: "Why do you watch cooking shows if you can’t cook?"

She replied: "Why do you bother watching porn?"

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding.

She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again

My wife said she would leave me if I did not stop making jokes about her hysterectomy

I think it was an Ovaryaction if you ask me

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”

The husband says, “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said that sex is way better on holidays

Not the best postcard to get.

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Dr. Seuss cheated on his wife for 13 years while she was battling cancer and then married his mistress after she died.

He really said "One bitch, two bitch, dead bitch, new bitch".

A man compalins to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with. His wife said "Well what about your friend Clyde?" The men replied "Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren't looking?" "No, I guess not" replied his wife. The man said....

"Neither would Clyde"

My wife was photographing some superheroes last night. I suggested to her to turn the flash on...

...turns out, he really enjoys a lap dance.

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.

So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.

His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck! It tastes awful...

*Farmer's market* Wife: I'm buying these vegetables for my husband. Have you sprayed these with any poisonous chemicals?

Farmer: No madam, you'll have to do that yourself.

Just A Man Shopping With His Wife

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the follow...

For my New Years resolution I promise to never steal money out of my wife’s purse

But then I just remembered she’s got a birthday coming up

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wifes eye site

A older man comes home from work,and he finds his wife standing in front of the mirror crying. He walks over and asks what's the matter hunny? THE WIFE SAYS. Can you find anything good about me. Look at me my hairs gray, my butt is sagging, my boots are hanging down.. Is there anything left that's...

Me and my wife recently started using Only Fans.

Because our air conditioner broke.

And this will definitely help pay for a new air conditioner.

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