This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit..

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

​

So the man a...

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

Two men golfing...

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go.

The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there, turns ...

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife came home early and...

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want ...

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.

​

When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When sh...

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cheating Wives

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. He waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her, he found out she was working in a whore house.


The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $100?"


The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?"<...

Wife: “I’m pregnant.”

Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”

Wife: “No you’re not.”

A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.

He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.”

“Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.”

“I do,” the man answers.

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no, 6 should be enough.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talk...

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don’t worry.

I’ll return.

My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife told me I had a small penis, so I said it was big enough to hurt her.

“There isn’t a woman in the world that would be hurt by that thing,” she said.

I then showed her a video of me fucking her sister.

I went to a French zoo

There was a baguette in a cage, so I asked the keeper what that was about and apparently it was bread in captivity. (All credit to the wife for that one)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.”

Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?”

She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”

Not to be outdone, I said, “I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand.”

Sh...

The Naked Hippie

This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol.

A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude....cut me some slacks."


The end

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.”

The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”

&#x200B;

The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

My wife complains that I don't buy her flowers

In all honesty, I didn't know she sold flowers.

A husband and wife were having a bad day.

They were arguing a lot until the wife got fed up and said to just write her a note if he really wanted to talk to her. He agreed, so for the rest of the day they passed notes here and there.

At night the husband left a note on the table saying “please wake me up at 6 A.M, I have to wake up e...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.

&#x200B;

I can't read a fucking word now.

My wife of 60 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my wife that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our road except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage.

A man and his newlywed wife are about to consummate marriage. Both are nervous and start getting undressed. The man takes his shoes and socks off and the woman shrieks "OMG! What's wrong with your feet?" The husband, having grossly misshapen toes replies "When I was a kid I contracted toelio." The b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

A husband buys a dozen panties of the same color for his wife.

His wife protests:"Why all the same color, people will think I dont change my panties."

Husband asks:"Which people?"

My wife is very mad that our beautiful neighbor is sunbathing nude in her yard.

Personally, I'm on the fence.

A husband and wife were asleep in bed one evening when the phone rang loudly and woke them up. Annoyed, the wife crawled out of bed and picked it up.

“Hello?!” she answered with irritation. “How would I know? We live in the middle of the city, you idiot!”

She hung up the phone and fell back into bed.

“Who was that?” the husband asked groggily.

“Some stupid woman asking if the coast was clear.”

My wife just left me. She thinks I’m too paranoid.

Edit: False alarm, she was just getting the mail.

My wife and I went to see a psychiatrist. "What can I do for you?" he asked. "Our son has got an imaginary friend." said my wife.

"There is nothing wrong with a good healthy imagination to help a child to develop and this is very common and nothing to worry about at all." said the psychiatrist.

"We haven't got a son." I replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An angry man with a gun walks into a bar and yells “WHO HAD SEX WITH MY WIFE”

A man sitting in the corner replies,

“You won’t have enough bullets”

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with

She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the G-spot.

Turns out her sister had it all along...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.

“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?”

“Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.”

“Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.

She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt...

The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake

She still isn’t talking to me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tell my wife I'm close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..

I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled

I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."

I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.

Oh well, hindsight is 1.

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

A man hates his wife’s cat with a passion and decides to get rid of it once and for all.

He drives twenty blocks away from home and drops the cat there. The cat is already walking up the driveway as the man approaches his house. The next day, he decides to drop the cat forty blocks away, but the same thing happens. He keeps on increasing the number of blocks, but the cat keeps on coming...

Husband doing crossword with wife..

Husband : emphatic no, five letters
&nbsp;

Wife : never

H : pistol, three letters
&nbsp;

W : gun

H : disgust, three letters
&nbsp;

W : ugh

H : charity, four letters
&nbsp;

W : give

H : female sheep, three letters...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency

looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise conce...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The wife isn’t speaking to me after I had “I Love You” tattooed on my dick

Apparently it’s typical of me, always trying to put words in her mouth.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After my wife's pregnancy, I had pulled my doctor aside and asked shyly, "When will we be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "My shift ends at 6, meet-up at the parking lot."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The FBI had an open position for an assassin

**The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you wil...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Farmer and his wife...

A farmer and his wife were sitting on the front porch enjoying the cool summer evening, when a flying saucer lands in the front yard, a door drops down, an Martian man and woman step off the spacecraft and introduce themselves to the country couple, after a long evening of enjoyable conversation the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

What do you call a hippie's wife?

Mississippi

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

A pastor was enraged when he found a bill for a $250 dress in his wife’s purse.

“How could you do this?” the pastor cried. “You know we’re on an incredibly tight budget!”

&#x200B;

“I know,” the woman said, “but the devil himself was shopping with me. He convinced me the dress looked so good I had to buy it!”

&#x200B;

The pastor consoled his w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey,Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

So a man dies...

and walks up the stairway to heaven and meets St.Peter, he asks if he's ever cheated on his wife, the man truthfully replies "Never, I love my wife!" and St. Peter gives him a Roles Royce to drive around heaven. The next guy comes and St.Peter asks him the same thing, the man responds with "I did on...

Wife: Do you want to come home at lunchtime today for a quickie?

Me: It's pronounced "quiche"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I now only have what I call “hallway” sex

We pass each other in the hallway,..fuck you!,..fuck you!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom

When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?"

Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I named my WiFi network after my wife.

They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

I saw my wife cutting onions today and I started crying.

Onions was a good dog.

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: "Honey, if I died would you get married again?"

Husband: "No sweetie."

Wife:"I'm sure you would."

Husband: "Okay, I would"

Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"

Husband: "Ya, I guess so."

Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"

Husband: "No, she's left handed."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wearing nothing but a cape I jumped into the bedroom startling my wife.

I shouted SUPER SEX!!!!

She replied, “ I don’t know, what kind of soup is it?

What's the difference between r/jokes and my wife?

My wife quit sucking years ago.

Wife: "Come over"

Husband: "I'm coming over"

Wife: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the worst thing your wife can say during sex?

Honey, I’m home!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How To Convince Your Wife You Haven't Been Drinking

A man is drinking at a bar. He gets so drunk that he pukes all over his shirt. He turns to the bartender and goes,

"I'm in trouble now. If my wife discovers I've been drinking again, she'll kill me."

The bartender says, "Don't worry,
here's what you do. You take a ten dollar bill, a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband asked his wife “Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?”

She replied “I don’t like calling you at work.”

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail l...

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

My wife accused me of being immature.

I told her to get out of my fort.

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas

Me: *sipping toast* why?

My wife told me she wanted me to treat her like a queen.

So I had her executed with the guillotine for betraying the revolution and promoting undemocratic, outdated ideas.

Long live the republic!

My wife said to me she doesn't understand cloning.

I said that makes 2 of us.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

(My wife is pregnant)

Doctor: We have big news for your baby.

Wife: Wow! Just don’t tell us the gender, we want to keep it a surprise!

Doctor: Haha, well, ‘it’ is not breathing

My wife left me because I'm so insecure.

No wait, she was just out getting coffee.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I love my wife so much I had “I Love You” tattooed on my penis.

Now she’s mad at me because she says I keep putting words in her mouth.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife gave birth today....

My wife gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"






He winked at me and said "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the parking lot."

Me and my wife know the secret to a happy Marriage...

Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant.

She goes Mondays I go Fridays.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife thinks porn is unrealistic

She said the pizza guys don’t come that fast

Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day

Husband: Well next time take the car then silly

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers

So I did. She’s 21 and her name is Amber

My wife says she's leaving me because of my 'Obsession with Star Wars'

I said 'Please don't go, honey. You're the Obi-Wan for me..............'

Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.

It’s a running joke I have

My ex-wife still misses me.

But her aim is steadily improving.

My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!

My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her backyard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

My wife just accused me of having never achieved anything in life because of my addiction to board games.

I think she must have forgotten that time I won second prize in a beauty contest. . .

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband replied, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it

Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife

My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction

So I packed my stuff up and right

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I need to go fishing with the boss for the weekend.

We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”

He hurries home, grabs everything, and rushes off. Sunday night, he returns. His wife asks, “Did you have a good trip?”

“Oh yes, great! I think I r...

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it..

We went and had some drinks. Nice guy. Wants to be a web developer.

My wife opened my car door for me

It would’ve been a nice gesture if we hadn’t been going 70 miles per hour.

My wife dumped me so I stole her wheelchair

Guess who’s crawling back to me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.

After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”

The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing erection.

I just wish it had been mine.

My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole

Fair enough it was her sister's but still...

Matt’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks.

Now, on the day before, Matt asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?”

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His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.”

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“Oh, it will,” Matt responds,...

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again

Edit:
I’m aware it dosnt’ look right the way I wrote it ,but you get the gist

A wife is like a hand grenade.

Pull the ring and your house is gone

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife has a problem

She likes to talk during sex and last week she called me from the motel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife has a nickname for my penis...

She calls it “Put that thing away”.

Electricity is like a wife.

It's cheaper to take the neighbour's.

What's the fastest way to make your wife angry?

Refer to them as your ex-girlfriend

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife: Harry what the heck? I thought you were fixing the fucking sink!

Husband: Well yeah, I'm watching a video on how to do it.

Wife: And when does that part come?

Husband: Probably after he finishes fucking her.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife is so bad at sex that she failed it

Her ID says Sex: F

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband was screwing his secretary up the ass when his wife walked in

Wife: (sobbing) You can't do this to me!

Husband: I know that's why I am doing it with her!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife caught me cross dressing and said it was over

So I packed her shit and left.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy who used to work for me said he and his wife could pick me up at my house so we could drive to an office party together.

About an hour before they were supposed to arrive I got a text from him.

*Love - what are you wearing? Would you like me to bring you a dress?*

I read it twice before realizing he obviously meant to send it to his wife and not to me.

He was mortified.

I would not have tea...

Remember to not make fun of your wife’s decisions...

Because you were one of them!

My wife always takes all my covers.

It's tiring, so I'm encouraging her to write her own songs for once.

My wife insisted on a threesome with that Terminator actor

I didn’t want to risk trouble so as soon as he turned up I said “I’ll be front”

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

"wife going to the london"

Wife : what gift do you want?

Husband: one british girl


"wife returns"


Husband : Where's my gift?

Wife: Wait for 9 months

As I get older, I find that I miss my wife more than ever.

My reflexes aren't as quick as they were..

A husband and wife are staring at their garden.

“Sooner or later,” the wife comments, “you’re going to have to put in a better scarecrow.”

“What’s wrong with the one we’ve got?” asks the husband. “It scares away all the birds and it’s still got a few good years left.”

“I agree,” the wife says, “but my mother can’t stay out there for...

My wife started getting into bodybuilding but I had to immediately divorce her

She took "cheat days" way too literally

I suspect my wife has put superglue on all my firearms.

She denies it of course but I’m sticking to my guns!