Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

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My wife just tried to cut off my penis.

Luckily she missed and the cops charged her with a misdewiener.

There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went...

My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings o...

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

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The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

Sean Connery once asked his wife to sit on his face.

Once.

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My wife said she is leaving on account of my sexual fetishes

I said fine! slam the door on my cock on the way out

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.


"Twenty bucks," she says.


He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them... it's a police officer. ...

Jack goes to his buddy Bob and says ... "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a buddy, he agrees. After mass,

Bob starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks him what he's really up to.

Bob feeling guilty, finally confesses to th...

I'm a programmer, my wife works part-time in tech support. (NSFW)

Last Friday night, we felt a little frisky, so we made a trip to the bedroom. For her, everything went great. For me... Not so much. An hour later, I had yet to climax once.

So my wife had a brilliant idea. She went to our living room, grabbed some books we'd bought so we could teach our kids...

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop...

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husban...

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant.

But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives.

I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

What does a hand grenade have in common with a wife?

Take off the ring and your house is gone


This post sure "blew up"


Just like my house

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

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The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do....

The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.

The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign.

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself"

The...

What do you call a hippies wife?

Mississippi

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

A husband and wife were having dinner...

...at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and asks, "Who the hell was that?"

The husband answers "Oh, she's my mistress."

The wife an...

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

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My doctor recently wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My wife seems to think it's for dyslexia.

My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,

and I don’t try to run mine.

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Happy Mother's Day!

My wife and I decided not to have kids

The kids are taking it pretty badly

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

A man is at his wife’s funeral

and a woman asks him if she can say a word.

He says okay and she stands up, saying ‘Plethora’.

The man replies, ‘Thanks, that means a lot’.

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So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are
you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup"

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss...".

"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is
having an affair with my b...

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

I relabeled all the jars in my wife's spice rack.

I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin...

I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she replied, “No!”

I said, “How about now?”

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!"

The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes.

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

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When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up to it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had tennis rackets in theirs.

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to...

My wife is amazing

She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!

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I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

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My wife said if this post gets 100 upvotes, she’ll lose her anal virginity tonight.

Please don’t upvote, she’s on a business trip until next week.

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My wife put on a sexy cop outfit..

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction...

So I packed all my bags and right.

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my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

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A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was l...

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My wife tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

But I refused, if I'm going to have sex it's going to be on my own Accord

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy ask...

Today I argued with my pregnant wife and she said "I have two brains and you have one"

Too bad one's not fully developed



and the other is our child's.

Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.

Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.

A man and his wife go on holiday and find a hotel for the night

When they find one, the manager says they're welcome to stay there but it costs £100 each for the night.

That's a bit outside their budget so they politely turn it down and ask if there's anywhere cheaper in the area.

The manager says "Yes, in fact there is a hotel just up the road and...

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it

So we went out and had some drinks.

Cool guy.

Wants to be a web developer.

A husband and wife who travel with the circus go to an adoption agency, but are met with skepticism.

"Do you really feel that a traveling circus is suitable evironment to raise a child?" the lady from the adoption agecy asks.

"Certainly," he couple reply. "We have a beautiful, fully equipped, state of the art nursery that we will be traveling with.

Still showing reservations, the woma...

My wife just left me because I'm too insecure...

Never mind. She just came back. She went to get a cup of coffee.

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: ...

"You have perfect eyesight."

My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.

I just don’t understand why she feels that way.

Wife: I'm pregnant

Dad: Hey pregnant, I'm dad

Wife: No you're not

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A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:


"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the ...

A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.

"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her.

She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?"

I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".

My wife asked me if I wanted kids...

I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.

What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?

Mourning wood.

A wife is clearing out her closet

And she finds loads of clothes to put to the charity shop. The husband walks in and says “just throw them away, there’s no need to put them to the charity shop”

The wife replies “aye there is, there’s starving children in Africa who could need these clothes”

And the husband says “darli...

A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.

She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?"

"Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you...

I havent spoken to my wife for eighteen months

I don’t like to interrupt her.

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”



So the man and his wife ...

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Husband arrives home from work to his wife with a broken leg

Hubby: How are you doing??

Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favour.. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!

Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's hot two sisters lying on the bed.

Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls..

Sisters: Prove it!<...

I proposed to my ex-wife

But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.

My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She got so mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!

I bought my wife a Pug as a present.

Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits in your wife’s clothes

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A construction worker comes home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage.

He grabs the guy’s cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man.

The man, wide-eyed, screams, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut off my...

“Wait a minute! You have been cheating on me all this time!”, my wife yelled at me as she found all the letters I had been hiding.

I felt cornered and prepared myself to face her fury, as she got red with anger and started walking towards me. She looked straight into my eyes and gave me a killer look I could never forget.



And kids, that’s the last time I played scrabble with her!

Wife : Why don’t you treat me like when I was your girlfriend?

Husband the next day , took her on his bike to Italian restaurant for evening coffee, then movie. Dinner at most famous restaurant. Followed by ice cream. Later on dropped her at her parents house and went home fast

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So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”

“Yes... but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.

While on vacation in Spain with my wife..

I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed.

It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart atta...

A man loses his job and REALLY needs money.

He is walking on the sidewalk when a demon from hell appears. The demon says “I will give you $100,000, but you must give me your wife.”

The man ponders the offer for a few seconds, then says “Okay, what’s the catch?”

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I just had a near sex experience.

I saw my wife flash before my eyes.

Bros Vs. Hoes.

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.


A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept o...

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

Two men golfing...

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go.

The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there, turns ...

A wife is yelling at her husband, “Get out! I hate your guts!”

So the husband packs up his things and walks out the door.

As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!”

He suddenly stops and says, “Wait, so you want me to stay?”

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

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Guy tells hours wife he's going out for cigarettes...

He gets his smokes and waiting to pay when the woman in front of him turns and says, "I just broke up with my boyfriend...I could use some company..."
The dude mulls it over and decides to go home with her. They have sex and he falls asleep... At 3AM, he wakes in a panic knowing his wife is going...

My wife asked if I could hand her her lipstick, I gave her a glue stick accidentally

She’s still not talking to me

I was on the phone with my wife

"I'm nearly home dear, can you put the kettle on for me?"

After 30 seconds of silence, I said "Hello? Are you still there?"

"Yes" she replied, "I don't think the kettle wants to talk to you right now"

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I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti.

>**You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.**

My marriage just ended because I didn't open the door for my wife.

I swam for the surface instead

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Last time my wife asked me if she looked fat, ...

I sighed and said, "Honey, if I tell you the truth, do you promise not to be mad?" She rolled her eyes, but agreed. So I said, "I've been fucking your sister."

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

A recently married couple are in bed, when the man asks his wife how many men she has slept with

After the question, the woman doesn't respond.

The man asks again "Just tell me, it's fine. How many men have you slept with?"

His wife, still in total silence, just stares at the ceiling.

The man says "I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought we could trust each o...

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?"

Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

A wife finds her husband sipping some rum on the patio, he says, "I love you so much, I have no idea what I would do without you". The wife asks, "Is that you talking, or the rum?"

He replied, "That's me, talking to the rum."

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no, 6 should be enough.

Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.

I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.”


“Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it

Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made

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My wife said that if this post gets 10,000 upvotes, we can have butt sex

Her exact words were, "you can have anything but sex"

A man is driving home from work when his wife calls him on his cell phone.

“Phil!” She shouts in panic, “Please be careful! I just heard that some lunatic is driving the wrong way on the highway.”

“You won’t believe it, Doris,” he replies. “It’s not just one car; it’s hundreds of them!”

I want my coffee just like my wife

Cold and bitter

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

Is my wife a pervert?

So I was standing looking out my bedroom window whipping one off to my neighbors gorgeous wife who was sunbathing, when I turned around to see my wife standing there looking at me! So my question is do yous think she’s some sort of pervert?

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

###

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed ...

With my wife, we have decided we don't want to have children.

The children don't appreciate this much though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said that if this post reaches more than 1000 upvotes she will agree to anal

with her boyfriend

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

A worried husband calls the police, his wife is missing.

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know...

My wife asked me, “Hey, can you give examples of jobs that don’t exist anymore?”

I said, “Steve.”

My wife told me to chill with the dinosaur jokes.

I told her Jurassicing a lot of me.

Yes it is terrible, yes I am a dad and yes ill stop scrolling and go to bed now. Salam my friends.

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talk...

An old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing.

So he decides to test her. One night while she's cooking on the stove, he stands behind her at the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No answer. He walks a few feet closer and asked again. "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no answer. He slowly shakes his head, puts his arms on her shoulders ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I were trying to have sex when the slow cooker set off the fire alarm.

I was crock blocked.

My jealous wife made me change my name to 'Married.'

Now I have to introduce myself to other women as "Hi, I'm Married."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon.

So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers, is that true?

Husband; To be honest, I had no idea she sold flowers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife leaves out her dildo

My wife leaves dildo out and my son sees it so i kick it under the bed.

Son: What was that?

Me: A mouse

Son: its sure had a big dick

My wife asked why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid that Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

A man and his wife are driving down the road when they hit a baby skunk.

“It’s still alive!” The wife exclaimed, looking back at the poor skunk.

“Alright, I’ll just go back and hit it again, put it out of its misery,” the husband replied.

“No don’t, it’s just a baby! We have to call the vet!”

The husband waits patiently while the wife gets out to t...

A man is admitted to the hospital with chest pain.

The cardiologist orders a battery of test over the course of a week. While studding the patient's EKG he noticed that his heart rate was very erratic when his wife and daughter were visiting.

The doctor asked the man how his relationship was with his family.

Well I get along great with...

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

I asked my wife what she will do when I won the lottery.

She said ''Divorce you and take half'' I said ''I won $10, here's $5 and there is the door."

What do you do if your wife starts smoking?

Slow down and use some lubricant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.”

Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?”

She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”

Not to be outdone, I said, “I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand.”

Sh...

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me.... I want you to meet someone new.”

“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

Spent a few hours on the wife's grave today

1. It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond.





\[Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle\]

A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.

He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.”

“Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.”

“I do,” the man answers.

A man was driving in a car with his wife.

He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked. She stuck her head out and said, "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."

Officer: “I’m sorry to say sir, but it looks like your wife was hit by a bus.”

Me: “Yeah, but she’s got a great personality!”

Why is it I can hear my wife's normal tone conversation in the other room...

and she can't even hear me yelling for another god damn beer?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob's wife was very mad at him for forgetting their anniversary...

At this point, she had enough of Bob's shit. "When I wake up tomorrow, I expect to see something shiny and silver that can go from 0-300 in under 4 seconds!" said the wife.



When she awoke the next morning, to her surprise she noticed a box with a bow in the garage. When she opened it ...

My wife asked me to stop singing “I’m a believer” by The Monkees. At first, I thought she was kidding.

But then I saw her face.

My wife’s Fitbit must be broken. It said she walked 5 miles.

The only thing she did today was go to our neighbors to get some sugar. Goddamn faulty technology.

My wife outdid me yesterday.

I asked her to hand me a rag to clean some food on the floor and she threw it at me. I caught it.

Wife: Nice catch, babe!

Me: Thanks.

Wife: I was talking about me!

"I asked my wife how many men she slept with...

She said "only you Babe, all the others kept me up all night" "
(credit : Al Snow)

What does a hotdog call his wife?

Honey bun.

*As told buy my 7 year old.*

The Naked Hippie

This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol.

A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude....cut me some slacks."


The end

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

A man is making love to his wife, and sees his son watching them.

The boy runs off so the man tells his wife, " I should go talk to him."

The man goes to his son's room to find him banging his grandma.

The father yells, "What the hell?!"

The boy replies, " Not so funny when it's your mom, Is it?"

My wife told me to stop singing Smashmouth songs.

I said hey now...

My wife fell off a 50 foot ladder today.

Unfortunately she was only on the first step.

I think my wife is starting to get depressed with all this rain we’re getting. Everyday, I see her at the window with a sad look on her face.

If it gets any worse I might have to let her back inside.

My wife left me yesterday. She turned to me, and exclaimed “I LOVE JESUS”

And then she ran off with our gardener.

So i asked my wife the other day “did you fake it last night?”

She said “no, I was really asleep”

A husband and wife were having a bad day.

They were arguing a lot until the wife got fed up and said to just write her a note if he really wanted to talk to her. He agreed, so for the rest of the day they passed notes here and there.

At night the husband left a note on the table saying “please wake me up at 6 A.M, I have to wake up e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A famous chef and his wife are having marital problems

A world famous chef has been away for many months traveling the globe and preparing exotic dishes, and as his wife expects, sleeping with exotic women.

In an effort to save his skin, he pulls the wife aside and says "Honey, I know I have been away for a long time, but I promise you never lef...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I showed my wife the new dildo she told me it was way too big,

but I think I can handle it.

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