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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, ...

Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?

A naked woman jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver stares at her, looking her over from top to bottom. The woman is offended and asks the taxi driver "What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The taxi driver responds: "Oh, it's not the fact that you're naked that bothe...

There is a lot of difference between a man and woman saying,

"I went through a whole box of Tissues watching that movie"

[NSFW] A woman walks out of the shower...

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says:

"Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend: "Yeah...the drain is clogged again."

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Old Woman

An old lady is walking down the street carrying 2 large sacks and one is leaking $20 bills.

A cop stops her and asks "Where did an old lady like you get all that money?" and she replied,

Well you see I live behind a golf course and when the golfers need to pee they stick their penis in...

Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

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The Woman and the Farmer

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'...
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrat...

A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and askin...

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a s...

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline wooden tit?

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A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and would be IMMENSELY good in bed”.

Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Sam. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won’t run away”.
“What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

Sam replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

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I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

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One unfortunate night, a pregnant woman gets shot 3 times in the stomach,

She goes to the doctor and luckily everything was fine. She gave birth to triplets, all healthy. 2 girls and one boy.

......fast forward 15 years later......

One girl rushed to her mother and complained "mom, I was peeing today and a bullet came out" The mother sat her down and explain...

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A woman is at home and hears someone knocking at her door

She goes to the door, opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it's the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?"
She slams the door ag...

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A man and a woman were having sex

Her: I want you to hurt me

Him: Your sister is more successful than you

Her: Wait

Him: Not a big fan of the new haircut

Her: Stoppp

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Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck...

... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?" She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She h...

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

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[Long] A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

A woman awakens from a coma, no longer pregnant.

"Congratulations! You delivered a boy and a girl!" The nurse said.
"That's great! Who named them?" She asked.
"Your husband did. He named the boy Jason."
"I like that. What about the girl?"
"Jadaughter."

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Woman talking to a police officer.

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something.?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: I think you're a cunt.

A 3 year old boy sits near a pregnant woman.

Boy: Why do you look so fat?

Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me.

Boy: Is it a good baby?

Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby.

Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

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A limbless woman crying on the beach.

A limbless woman is sitting on the beach crying as a man approaches her.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“I’ve never been hugged before...” she responds.

The man hugs her and she stops crying for a second. Then the man walks away and the woman continues crying.

A little whil...

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Have you ever noticed what a woman's asshole does when she has an intense orgasm?

He's probably out, drinking with his buddies...

Why are most hurricanes named after a woman?

When they come, they come wet and wild. When they leave they take your house and your car!

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

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Scientists have discovered a food that reduces a woman’s sex drive:

Wedding cake

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I once made love to a woman with twelve breasts...

Sounds nice, *doesn't it*?

Woman goes to see a doctor about her bed wetting problem

Doctors listens to her, nods sagely where appropriate and then tells her to strip. Woman is a bit confused but does as instructed. While she is undressing doctor places a big mirror on the floor and then tells woman to do a headstand over it. Even more confused woman does as instructed, figuring doc...

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other on an aeroplane.

The woman sneezes and right after she is done she shudders and moans.

The man asks,"Are you alright? Because the sneezing seems normal but the shuddering and shivers... Not very much."

The woman replies,"Oh yeah, I have this rare condition where I orgasm every time sneeze."

\-"T...

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A young man walks up to the bar and sits down next to a young blonde woman.

As he sits down the 10 o’clock news comes on. The news team were at the scene of a man who was preparing to jump from a tall building.

The blonde looks over to the man and asks “Do you think he’ll do it?”.

The man answers “Yes, I think he probably will. In fact I’m willing to make a be...

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? ... Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.... Older Woman: Oh, I see. ... Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer: You don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and...

What is the difference between a Snow man and a Snow woman?

Snow balls

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks...

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the ...

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A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each...

A statue of a man and a statue of a woman stood looking at each other for hundreds of years out in a park. One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds from...

A woman goes to confession...

The priest says to her "For the last time Becky it's forgive me father for I have sinned." "Not punish me daddy I've been a bad girl."

An elderly woman phoned the police and said she saw her neighbour, naked walking around his bedroom with blinds open.

Police turn up and says to her, sorry madam, but you cannot even see his bedroom, there is a fence and a bush blocking the view.

She replies, you can if you stand on top of the wardrobe.

A woman is talking to a man.

Her: My lips are dry.

Him: Doesn’t that hurt when you walk?

Her: What?

Him: What???

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A man and woman have an argument after the man tries to perform oral sex

The woman says "you should never eat a pussy out ever again! That was the worst i've ever gotten!"

The man says "i'm jewish, i'm not allowed to eat pigs anyways."

A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and tells the woman at the counter, "I need to have an outfit washed."

The clerk was busy and slightly distracted, so she looked up from her work and said, "Come again?"

The blonde said, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on bike

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on a bike, she flipped me off and then ran straight into the cow.

I tried!

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It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “W...

Texas:

Where a virus has reproductive rights and a woman doesn’t.

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out: 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how did that cure him?"
The neighbor said, "His name is Bill."

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A Man Accidentally Elbows a Woman's Boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

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Jesus went unto the mount of Olives. And the scribes and Pharisees brought unto him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, they said unto him this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act.

Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?

And Jesus said unto them, *Let any one of you who is without sin cast the first stone.*

At this, those who had heard turned to leave; but one woman picked up a rock and threw it with great force at th...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s disc...

A woman who injected her 8-year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

Reports say the child didn't look surprised.

An 88-Year Old Woman was interviewed by the local News after getting married for the fourth time...

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little ...

An elderly woman was taken to court suspected of having killed the 4 husbands she'd had. There, the prosecutor starts the interrogation;

"How did your first husband die?" Asked the prosecutor.

"He ate soup made with poisonous mushrooms" Answered the woman.

"And, how did your second husband die?".

"He ate soup made with poisonous mushrooms".

The court gasps.

The prosecutor follows on "How did your th...

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4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

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An irate woman bursts through the doors of a bar, angrily screaming, "All lawyers are assholes!" This enrages a patron at the end of the bar, who stands up and shouts, "Hey! I take offense to that!"

"Why?" she asks, sneering at him, "You a lawyer or something?"

"No," he retorts, "I'm an asshole!"

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A man is walking along the Las Vegas strip, and meets the most beautiful woman he's ever seen....

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"$5,000" she replies.

"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

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A pregnant woman was shot 3 times in the stomach.

She survived, luckily enough, and so were her unborn children. Triplets, she found out soon enough. Two girls and a boy.

They were born with absolutely no problems, healthy babies and unaffected by the trauma.

Fast forward 13 years, she's sitting in her kitchen, enjoying a cup of coff...

what's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

you can unscrew a light bulb

What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 10 ft. of garden hose?

Baby! Honey! Darling!

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

Why did the Irish woman only put 239 beans in her stew?

Because just one more would be too farty.

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A man decides to go golfing one Sunday. He's in the clubhouse paying for 18 holes when a gorgeous blonde woman approaches him. "Hey, I noticed you're golfing alone," she said...

"I'm golfing alone too. Can I join you?"

The man enthusiastically agrees and they head to the course.

She's good. *Really* good, and beats the man's score by many strokes. The man is feeling self conscious for losing so soundly to a woman. The woman notices his change in mood and says,...

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Woman has a sore throat and asks for help

So a woman has a sore throat and asks for help from her coworker.

The coworker says "I have the best cure! Every time my throat hurts I just give my husband a blowjob and it heals"

The next day the woman goes to work with her sore throat healed.

Coworker asks "Did it work"
...

An older woman who dates younger men is called a cougar. What do you call an older man who dates younger women?

Rich.

How does an old rich man propose to a young beautiful woman?

Will you bury me?

It is only good to kick a pregnant woman if you are ...

on the inside.

One woman and four men had a plane accident and they landed on a deserted island

They all manage to survive and build their shelter. But slowly having four men for one woman becomes a problem. The men decide to solve the problem by not fighting but talkind and they decide that the woman should spend a week with each of them one by one. So they went to the woman and told the plan...

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, th...

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Woman visits the antique store

And find a beautiful wardrobe. She decide to buy, but says, that it is too big and won't fit through her door.

The clerk tells her that they can disassemble it, deliver to her house and then assemble it again. She accept so they do just that.

Next day woman calls to the store explainin...

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A attractive woman asked "breasts or legs"

I said "I'm interested in feet and anal"

Now I'm not welcome in that KFC restaurant.

A soldier finds a woman locked out of her car

A soldier finds a woman at the side of the road crying, and she tells him she’s left her keys in her car. The soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's...

A young woman approached a salesman in a department store and said, "I need some batteries for my vibrator."

The salesman motioned with his finger and said, "Come this way."

"If I could come that way," she snapped, "I wouldn't need the damn vibrator."

A woman goes to IKEA to buy a new bedroom closet

She comes home and assembles the closet but as soon as a bus drives by her house, the closet collapses in on itself.

Frustrated she tries again, this time taking care to follow the instructions to the letter. Just as she is finished, another bus drives by her house and the closet collapses ag...

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A Strange Woman Looked Into My Window This Morning and Saw Me Masturbating Furiously.

Thankfully, after about ten seconds of embarrassing silence, the light turned green.

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

Old woman on her deathbed

An old woman lays dying in the hospital after a long illness as her husband sits beside her. She says, "Darling, I want you to go home and look in my closet and pull down the box on the top shelf. I've been keeping a secret all these years."

The man goes home, pulls down the box and finds tha...

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A woman wakes up after a Vaginal Tuck.

On the window sill, she sees three bunches of flowers.

One from her surgeon to say all went well.

One from her husband, "get well soon and I love you."

And one from Tommy in the burns unit, to say,

"Thank you for the new ears."

A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.

As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately...

What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

A woman in church has hope in her soul...

Arguing with a woman is like being arrested…

Everything you say can and will be used against you.

A woman has twins

and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan". Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. He...

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop. She confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it..???

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed:
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the Meat each week, came into the shop and said. "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know." Said the Butcher with a smi...

In the middle of the night, a taxi driver picked up a lone woman

It's pitch black outside and the woman is otherworldly beautiful. The taxi driver just started doing night shifts and he suddenly remembered all the stories about ghost women seducing young men at night which made him very nervous. Aside from giving an address, the woman was silent the whole way. As...

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What is the differnce between an afghan Soldier and a Woman ?

The Woman has the balls to oppose the Taliban.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

What happened when the Saudi Arabian woman smoked weed?

She got stoned

Buy a woman a plane ticket

Buy a woman a plane ticket, and she will fly for a day. Push her out of a plane, and she will fly the rest of her life.

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A man is attending a posh party and meets a beautiful woman

“What’s your name?” He asks
“Carmen” she says
“Beautiful name”
“Thanks, it contains the two things I like the most: cars and men”
“Fascinating!”
“And what’s your name?”
“B. J. Boobsandgolf”

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A man goes to an animal market

He goes up to a rooster seller and buys a rooster.

The seller hands it to him and says, "Oh, in this business, we call it a cock".

The man takes note and goes to buy a hen seller.

The seller hands it to him after paying and tells him "By the way, in this business, we call it a ...

A woman reports her husband’s disappearance to the police...

A woman reports her husband’s disappearance to the police. They ask her for a description, and she says, “He’s six feet, three inches tall, well-built, with thick, curly hair.”

Her friend says, “What are you talking about? Your husband is five-feet-four, bald, and has a huge belly.”

An...

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A woman goes to see the doctor with complaints of a low sex drive.

She tells the Dr “My husband wants me to get medicine so I’ll want sex as much as he does”, Doc tell her no problem he will give her the same hormone pills the Olympic weightlifting team uses . He confidently explains, “all of them want to have sex multiple times a day”

2 months later the wom...

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

A woman once asked me about golden showers.

“Urine over your head,” I replied.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

A woman in my office died.

A woman in my office died.

It’s not like I didn’t notice but for months afterwards I kept on copying her into emails.

Some people got upset and I was like
‘Sorry - I CC dead people.’

Did you hear about the woman who left a zucchini in her car while she went shopping?

When she got back, someone had broken in and left her three more.

A woman had chronic headaches.

She had them since she was in her early teens, and had gone to the doctor, had x-rays, scans, medication, and nothing seemed to help. Finally, she went to a headache specialist, and he told her that her left breast was the cause. The only treatment was to remove the breast. The good news was that he...

A blonde woman calls a divorce lawyer.

Lawyer: Why do you want a divorce?

Blonde: My husband's been cheating on me.

Lawyer: He's been cheating on you? What makes you say that?

Blonde: He isn't the father of my son.

A woman from[Insert trashy town name here] goes to the local social security office

The registrar asks her a few background questions.

How many kids do you have? I have 8 boys, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the first one? John, she says
Ok - what’s the name of the second one? John, she says
The registrar says - they are both named John? Yes - she replies.
Ok ...

A woman saw a man smiling blissfully in the park

She approached him and asked “why are you so happy?” to which he replied “I got today off.”

“Oh, you got the day off from work?” the woman inquired.

The man looked confused before realizing his mistake and saying “no wait, that’s not what I meant! What I meant was: I got off today!”

A woman told me I was the biggest she'd ever had..

Apparently ditto wasn't the correct repsonse

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Did you hear about the woman who finally achieved her life long dream of working as a dildo tester?

People said she didn't have it in her, but she does.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby...

The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

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What do you call a woman who masturbates whilst on her period?

Bloody wanker

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If a man talks dirty to a woman, that's sexual harassment.

If a woman talks dirty to a man, that'll be $6.50 a minute.

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My woman wanted to try new things to spice up sex.

I told her to come over and I would show her the improvement on the 69. She got pissed when I told her it's called the 68. You suck my dick and I owe you one.

A moped is like an ugly woman

It’s great till your friends see you riding one

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love.

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a ...

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

The school called a woman and told her: "Your son has been telling lies"

"You're right", she replied, "I don't have any kids."

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A man and a woman are on a golf course

The wife struck the golf ball so hard that it went to the neighbours house and they heard a crash like it broke something.

Embarrassed and apologetic, they go over to the neighbours house and let themselves in.

They see a broken vase on the ground and a man standing near it.

Bef...

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A man is trying to decide which woman to marry...

He is picking out of three women. In order to test which one he should marry he gave each one of them $5000 to see what they would do.

The first woman spends her money on new clothes, lingerie, and a total makeover. She tells him she did it because she loves him so much and wants to look gre...

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Last night I met a beautiful woman in a bar...

Last night I met a beautiful woman in a bar. We were getting on really well and after some time we started flirting. It was at this moment that she decided to bite her lip to look sexy.....

unfortunately, she bit her top lip.

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you w...

A woman walked into the kitchen

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked "How can you...

Some Pharises are about to stone a woman for adultery.

They come to Jesus, telling him that she was caught in the act, and the punishment for such a crime is death.

Jesus famously states, "let the one who is without sin cast the first stone."

The crowd begins to look around at each other, realizing there isn't a pure soul among them, when...

A deaf woman and a blind man are sitting on the subway

The deaf woman says to the guy: *sign language*

And the blind man says:

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A man is sitting next to a woman...

A man is sitting next to a woman. man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes la...

Irate woman to bus driver as she enters. 'what bus is this' driver 'its number 15 just like it says on the front'. irate woman 'but on the front it says 15, on the side 15a, and on the back 155' . Bus driver

'well I'm not driving backwards or sideways am i?'

A woman didn't know how to speak Spanish but was married to a Spanish man and together, they resided in Spain.

Once she went to the market to buy some chicken legs. She lifted her skirt a little and pointed to her legs so that the shopkeeper is able to understand her.

Another time, she had to buy chicken breast so she pointed to her bosom so that the shopkeeper is able to understand her

Once s...

Wife comes home, sees her husband in bed with another woman...

\- "Charles, what are you doing!", the wife screams.

Husband thinks quickly, acts surprised...

\- "Camilla, is that you?" - \[*turns to woman next to him*\] - "then who the hell is this?"

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A woman comes home from the Gynecologist

She tells her husband “The doctor says I have an infection, and I can’t put anything in there for two weeks, so no sex”

Her husband says “well what did your dentist say?”

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A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"


She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to f...

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NSFW what does a woman and a washing machine have in common?

They both leak when they're fucked.

When a young woman moves in next door to a married couple

A young woman moves next to a married couple.
One day, the wife looks out of the window and sees the woman hanging her laundry to dry and it's dirty.
She says to her husband "Why is her laundry so dirty? Does she not know how to do laundry properly? Maybe she has bad laundry detergent?"
The...

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A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

A Blonde woman moves into a brand new neighbourhood,

The following evening her house catches fire and starts burning quickly, she quickly calls emergency services and gets put through to the fire department,
Blonde: Hello my house is burning down, you must come quickly.
Fire Chief: Ok no problem tell us where you live.
Blonde: It's a new h...

A guard asks a woman on death row what she’d like for her final meal.

“idk, what do you want?”

What does a cannibal call a pregnant woman?

A kinder surprise

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One day, a woman is sitting on the toilet when she gets her butt stuck in the toilet seat.

No matter how hard she tries, she can't get unstuck, so she calls her husband for help.

The husband tries to pull the wife out of the toilet, but she still won't budge.

Finally, the husband gets his screw driver and unscrews the seat from the toilet. Now the woman can stand up, but the...

A man meets a woman with a dog

The man says "Does your dog bite?"

The woman says "No."

The man tries to pet the dog and gets bitten. He said "OW! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"

The woman says "He doesn't. This isn't my dog."

What’s the last thing a woman wants to hear while blowing Willie Nelson?

I’m not really Willie Nelson.

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

The place of my woman is in the kitchen…

Spooning me while I do the dishes

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A man takes a walk with his new girlfriend who he's been dating for three months

About 20 minutes into the walk, they pass a park and see two bunnies mating. The woman says "how does the male bunny know that the female bunny is ready for sex?" The man says "it's natural, the male can smell it".

The couple continues to walk for another 20 minutes and they pass a forest whe...

A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.

Lawyer: "Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?"

Woman: "if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I'm not cooking for him for three days straight."

Lawyer: "Well is he beating you?"

Woman: "Him? I'd throw him through the window, with my left hand only"

L...

Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied?

After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum

Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the hou...

A young woman takes a taxi across town...

When they get to her destination the driver checks the flag fare and says "$35 please."

The woman says "I'm sorry, I haven't got any money"

The annoyed driver looks over the back seat to see the young lady pull up her skirt to reveal she's not wearing any panties.

"Perhaps we ca...

A woman with a 69 inch waist goes to the doctor (Calculator Joke)

A woman went to the doctor.

He measured a waist of 69 inches (type into calculator).

He said that that was too, too, too, much (type 222).

And gave her 51 pills (type 51).

But she took 8 times that my (type x8)

Do you know what happened? She became...(Hit = and fli...

A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking thi...

A woman starts flirting with a software guy.

She says “Well aren’t you a cutie pie.”

He responds “No, I’m the IT guy.”

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

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Homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge

A homeless man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine...

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