I yelled "COW!" at a woman on bike

I yelled "COW!" at a woman on a bike, she flipped me off and then ran straight into the cow.

I tried!

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?"

"It's spelled 'you're'," I replied.

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, "I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."

The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you."

The woman removes something from her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and discovers that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist's wife.
...

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking thi...

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command.



PS: It's a joke, women are awesome.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.

Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

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A man and woman, both married separately, had to share a room one night on a business trip.

They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the ...

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My girlfriend surprised me tonight: she dressed up sexy like a police woman, handcuffed me to the bed and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

2 minutes later I was released due to lack of evidence.

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A woman complained to her friend she had a sore throat!

The friend replied: “Whenever I have a sore throat, I just give my husband a blow job and the soreness goes away!”

They meet the next day, and the woman says:” I took your advice! You were right, the soreness disappeared immediately! Your husband couldn’t believe it was your idea!”

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she he...

Once upon a time there was a woman married to an annoying man named Steve.

He would complain about everything. One day he went to their creek with his mule. He complained so much that the mule got annoyed and kicked him to death.

At the funeral, when all the men walked by the wife she shook her head yes and every time the women walked by she shook her head no.
...

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A young woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterd...

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

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A clearly inebriated, stark naked, woman jumps into the back of a NYC taxi cab...

The old cab driver, opened his eyes wide & began to state at her but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back & said 'what's wrong, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old cabbie says" let me tell you something lady, I wasn't staring at you ...

This weird woman was pounding my door at 4am. I had no idea who she was.

So I had to let her out.

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

Doc says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
>“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve a...

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This woman wanted to have some rejuvenation surgery after her years of child birthing, so she decided to get a vaginoplasty.

When she awakens from surgery, she sees three vases on her bedside table with flowers in them. The nurse walks into the room, and the woman asks “Hey, who are these flowers from?” The nurse looks at her and says “Well, one is from the doctor, he just wanted to thank you for shaving and cleaning up e...

Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

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A man goes home with a woman he met at the bar.

When they get back to her place, she says, "I didn't want to tell you before, but I've got a fetish. I'd love it if you fucked me with your big toe."

The man, an agreeable sort, goes ahead and does it. Has a pretty good time. But a few days later, he notices his toe is red and inflamed, then...

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

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A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?

She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband ...

A woman once hears a voice in her head.

One day a woman was walking on the street when she heard a voice in her head say,"You have only 5 years left to live.

The woman believes that she just heard the voice of God,warning her and decides to live the rest of her life as luxurious as she could. So she goes to the mall and buys the cl...

A woman with a morbid fear of drowning is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nervously , she asks a crew member 'just how far away from land are we?' Calmly, he reassures her ' you have nothing to worry about miss ,we're only 5 miles from land.' Relieved, she inquires 'oh, in which direction?'

'That would be straight down', he replies......

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What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs?

Wedding cake

I got stopped by a woman cop with "LAPD" on her cap

I said, where's your colleague with "ANCE" on hers?

A woman is walking home with her three daughters.

A woman is walking home with her three daughters.

Trying to spark conversation the eldest daughter turns to her mother and asks, “Mom, how did I get my name?” So her mom tells her the story of her birth, “Well sweetie, when you were born, as we we taking you back home, a rose fell on your he...

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says “Ugh – that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

The woman walks to the back of the bus and sits down.

She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on. I’ll...

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A woman is in bed reading when her husband walks into the room with a sheep under his arm

He says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache ".

His wife replies, "I think you'll find that that is a sheep."

Husband says, "I think you'll find that I was talking to the sheep."

They say a woman’s work is never done.

Maybe that’s why they don’t get paid as much.

An ugly arrogant woman NSFW

An ugly arrogant woman walked into a store with her 2 kids, yelling at them.

The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7.

Why the h...

Every morning, a very religious woman stands on her front porch and says, "Lord, I thank thee for this day."

The woman has an atheist neighbour who is driven up a wall by this, so one day he comes up with a plan to teach her a lesson.

That night, when the woman is fast asleep, the atheist buys a huge basket of food and leaves it on the woman's front porch.

The next morning, when the woman ste...

How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

By becoming a ventriloquist.

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” sh...

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "No judge, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

A woman leaves her shower

She is wrapped up in her towel and as she walks past her husband who is going into the shower they hear a knock at the door.

"You go get that" her husband says and hops into the shower.

Sighing the woman went to the door still wrapped in her towel. She opens the door expecting the mai...

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, “You know, I’m a lawyer.”

“Honest?” the woman asks.

“No, no. Just the regular kind,” he replied.

The difference between a man and a woman's friends.

A wife did not come home one night and the next day the husband was furious. She swore she spent the night at a girlfriend's house.

The husband called 10 of his wife's closest friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

To get her back he did not come home the next night....

A woman goes to the doctor, and says "I've got a strawberry stuck in my ass".

The doctor says "I can give you some cream for that".

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters g...

Man Talking to God About Woman

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

A woman was on death row.

The conversation went like this:

Warden: "What do you want for your last meal?"

Woman: "I don't know. What do you want?"

How Woman was created.

So, Adam was in the Garden of Eden having a chat with the Lord. He was complaining about those stray "urges" he was experiencing and how there was no one to help him deal with them.

"OK", replied the Lord. "I'll take care of this. I will create Woman for you. She will cook, clean and keep...

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher.

The judge rose from the bench.
“Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight.
“Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"

Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."

"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discre...

A woman wearing a dirty basketball jersey walks into a bar. She lifts her arm, showing everyone her hairy armpit. "Would any of you men like to buy me a beer?" she asks.

One man, who has drunk at least fourteen beers already, says, "I'd like to buy the ballerina a beer!"

The bartender says, "Look, sir, I have met many women over the years. Some were more tomboyish than girly, others more girly than tomboyish, but none as tomboyish as this woman. For example, ...

I just watched Wonder Woman 1984 and I had zero idea what was going on.

Guess I shouldn't have skipped the other 1,983 movies.

A woman was sipping a glass of wine while relaxing with her husband... "I love you so much, she said, I don't know how I could live without you:

Her husband asked, "is that you or the wine talking"?
She replied "it's me, talking to the wine"

A woman went into labour...

..and got rushed to hospital. almost immediately she kept shouting things like: can't, don't, didn't, couldn't. Her husband asked the Doctor " doctor, whats wrong with her?" The Doctor replied "ah dont worry those are just contractions"

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What do you call a big breasted Egyptian woman?

Nefertitty

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A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said t...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

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A woman visits her mother and tell her she's divorcing her husband.

The mother replies:

But why? Your husband is super kind, good looking and is a millionaire. You're living in a castle, you're driving a rolls royce, you even have butlers!

Yes mother, but he is obsessed with anal sex. Everyday ha wants to put it in my ass.

Before i met him my as...

It only takes 4 inches to please a woman

And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" ...

What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman, and a frozen beer have in common

Somewhere along the line someone forgot to pull it out

How do you pick up a fat woman?

It's a piece of cake!

What would you call a woman who actively encourages her husband to sleep with her friends?

Sharon Cox

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...

Happy international woman's day.

It was supposed to be yesterday, but ya'll took too long to get ready.

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A woman gets on an Elevator with a Man

The Woman says "TGIF"
So the man says "SHIT"
The woman again says "TGIF"
And again the man says "SHIT"
So finally the woman explains TGIF means Thank God Its Friday
And the man says SHIT means Sorry Honey Its Thursday

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A man sits next to a pretty woman on an airplane. While they’re in the air he makes conversation...

... “so where are you flying to”? He asks.

*im going to a nymphomaniacs’ convention*

“Really” he says

*yes, I’m a teacher there... I teach about sex*

“Interesting” he says

*im doing a lecture about sexual stereotypes... for instance, everybody always says that blac...

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"

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A man walks into a bar with a beautiful woman on each arm.

A man walks into a bar with a beautiful woman on each arm. He reaches into the front pocket of his jacket and pulls out a hundred dollar bill and asks for three drinks.

The bartender puts the drinks on the bar and immediately, a tiny man runs out over, climbs up the bar and kicks over his dri...

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why do you want to talk to me?" she asked puzzled.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

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Beautiful woman

A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.

A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for ...

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The Older Woman Speeding

An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't ...

A woman sees her doctor complaining about chest pains.

The doctor prescribed her some testosterone pills to help strengthen her heart muscle and warned of the expected side effects.

A few weeks later the woman returns for a follow up appointment complaining of hair growth in unusual places.

When the doctor re-assured that this was to be ex...

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is ...

An old Irish woman is naked starting at herself in the mirror

Her husband walks in and asks “what in the hell are you doing?”

“I had my physical today and my doctor told me I was a beautiful woman who should be proud of her aging body,” she replied.

“Yeah? And what did he say about your fat Irish ass?”

“You didn’t come up in conversation,...

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

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A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the sec...

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Did you hear about the woman who tried to solicit sex for spaghetti?

She got charged with Pastatution

What do you call a woman who sets fire to her bills?

Bernadette

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A woman wants to buy bagels for her coworkers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we's out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave t...

A gorgeous blonde woman steps out of a taxi, banging her head quite hard against the door frame.

As she stands holding her hand to her scalp, a gentleman, who'd seen it happen, approaches and asks, "Excuse me Miss, is your head okay?!"

The blonde replies, "Well, I haven't had any recent complaints."

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A woman went to store and asked for a maternity bra.

"what bust?" asked the saleswoman.

" The fucking condom" she replied.

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A pregnant woman was robbed and shot One night while out buying groceries, a pregnant woman was robbed and shot three times. She managed to survive, but the doctors were unable to remove the bullets from her body.

Even with the trauma her body sustained, she was still able to deliver a healthy set of triplets a few months later, two girls and a boy. The years went by and there was never any indication that the children were harmed by the attack, so she was eventually able to move past the whole ordeal, never ...

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The only B word you should call a woman is beautiful

Because bitches love it when you call them beautiful

Liam Neeson will star in a new thriller where he rescues the wrong woman

the film will be titled "Mistaken"

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill explained, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around..."

"That every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

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A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"


She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to...

A young programmer and his Project Manager board a train, headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats, right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from t...

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A boy, his father and his mother are having dinner. But the boy doesn't want to eat his broccoli.

- Eat your broccoli! - says the mother.

- No! - exclaims the boy.

The father then leans toward the boy and whispers something in his ear. The boy quickly eats his broccoli and goes into his room.

- What did you tell him?

- I told him that if he didn't eat his broccoli, hi...

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

A Blonde woman was speeding down the road and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde.

The Blonde Cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked. The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has you picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in ...

I met an older woman at a bar recently

I bought her a drink and we started flirting. I was admiring her hands and said, "they're so elegant, hardly a single wrinkle." She suddenly got offended and walked off.

I guess she thought it was a backhanded compliment.

PLEASE stop asking Santa for the perfect woman.

I was almost kidnapped three times today.

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide...

A woman goes into a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. The pharmacist is shocked and said “what do you need cyanide for?”

“I plan to poison my husband”, she tells him. “I’m sorry, but there’s absolutely no way I can give you cyanide for that” the pharmacist says angrily.

The woman reaches ...

I was enjoying my steak when a woman yelled "Enjoying your meat, MURDERER?"

I can't believe she wouldn't let me have my last meal in peace, just because I shot her mother!

What’s the best thing about dating a homeless woman?

You can drop her off anywhere!

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(Nsfw) A man sees a woman walking down the street with the nicest boobs he's ever seen.

He stops her and says "I'll give you £100 if you let me gently bite your boobs!"
Disgusted, she slaps him and walks on.
"£300!" He shouts.
She stops but is about to walk on.
"£500. Final offer."
She says ok and they find a quiet spot.
She takes off her top and he starts play...

I once dated an Italian woman, who haunts me in my dreams to this day...

...she’s a real gaba-ghoul.

Did you hear about the woman who was robbed by an unemployed acupuncturist?

She was stabbed more than 167 times but she felt awesome the next day.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

A man and woman are on a first date, everything is going great between them.

The man suggests they go to a local milk bar to share a milkshake, but the woman declines, saying she can’t have that stuff. Whilst searching for somewhere else to go, a car comes out of nowhere barreling towards them. The man is able to push his date out of the way, but the car runs over his foot, ...

I was a man in a woman’s body

Then I was born

A pregnant woman goes into a coma

When she wakes up months she is no longer pregnant, and an excited nurse told her that she had a beautiful pair of twins, a boy and a girl.

"Since you were in a coma your brother named them" the nurse said, "The girl is Denise"

The mother was happy, she liked the name Denise. "What d...

A 90 year old woman decided to commit suicide.

She wanted to shoot herself in the heart but she wasn’t sure exactly where it was located on her body so she called the doctor and asked where her heart was. He told her it was directly under her left breast. So she shot her kneecap off.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

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A man and a woman are having an argument

In the heat of the argument, she calls him a misogynist.

"Am not!" he says. "In fact, I'll have you know that at my workplace, I have two bosses - one is a man, and one is a woman - and I see them both as equals!"

"Is that so?"

"Yep! And they *both* drive me crazy! He's always ...

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A woman took a flight for the first time

A while into the flight the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her, rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make ...

There was a woman in the supermarket holding a huge multicoloured flag and making loud pigeon sounds.

I told her to mind her peace and coos.

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

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Two Italian men are talking about which woman they would want to have sex with if given the chance

The first man names some big actress and the second man says "Virginia Pipillini".

The first man asks "Who's that? An actress or something?"

"I don't know".

"Singer?"

"I don't know".

"Model?"

"I don't know".

"Then why'd you say her if you barely know ...

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[NSFW]A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks.

One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my...

What does a forklift and a woman have in common?

If you don't have one, you'll need to unload by hand.

A young woman boards a packed bus and goes: "Won't someone give their seat to a pregnant woman?"

As she looks around, a young man jumps up and offers his seat: "Here, sit down!"
With a sigh, she lets herself down on the seat and says "Thank you so much!". The young man: "I'm sorry, but it's not very visible yet. How long have you been pregnant?" She answers: "For about half an hour now. My k...

What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snowballs

The only time it’s okay to kick a pregnant woman...

...is when it’s from the inside.

Jesus and the woman taken in adultery

The crowd is about to stone her, but Jesus steps in front of them and says "Verily, the one who is among you that is without sin may cast the first stone!"

All of them let their hand sink, bow their heads in shame. There suddenly, from the back, a stone comes flying, hitting the woman squarel...

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have two acres at the edge of town with a big lawn and some fruit trees.”

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, we've a two car garage but only one car so we use the rest for storage.”

^(getting exasperated) ‟Does he be...

A woman marries a man named Bert. What does Bert become?

Herbert

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The dist...

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A woman was having an affair While her husband was at work.

One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

“I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from ...

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

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A woman is talking to her husband about how his day at work was.

He told her “Nothing out of the ordinary, I just made sure all the audio jacks were in place during the concerts”

The next day the women is chatting with her friends. One asks her what her husband does for a living. Not quite remembering the details, she replies “jack shit”.

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

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After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists for the CIA assassin position — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her." The first man said. "You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent replies, "Then you’re not the right man for...

What's the difference between a woman and a baked potato?

With a baked potato, you poke it BEFORE you eat it.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

How to make a woman scream with just two fingers...

Poke her in the eyes

A woman visits the doctor...

As she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers”.

She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”

To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”

A woman is talking on her phone while waiting in line at the bank.

After she gets off the call, the man behind her taps her on the shoulder and says, "I didn't want to interrupt your call, but next time you need to speak in English"

"Excuse me?" the woman replied.

"This is America," the man said, "We speak English in America. If you wanna speak Spanis...

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I just created a machine that turns any woman into a prostitute.

It's horrifying.

Never ask a woman her weight, never ask a man his salary

And never ask UK's museum's owners how in the hell they have so many historical artefacts

A woman is mad that her husband is preoccupied with snooker and is ignoring her in bed...



She's had enough and decides that tonight is the night she gets some love in the bedroom. She dresses in the most seductive lingerie she has, pours two glasses of their favourite wine, and waits.

The man comes home after midnight where she meets him at the door. "I'm sick and tired of...

Two woman walk into a bar,

and talk about the Bechdel test.

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.

The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a hu...

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

I walked up to a woman in the store the other day and said "36C"

She proceeded to slap my face and said "What the hell is wrong with you?!"

My response was "Why the hell would you wear a shirt that says Guess?!"

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

A woman placed an ad in a news paper...

'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements. He shouldn't beat me. He shouldn't leave me. He should be great in bed.'
Three days later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Tim. I don't have hands, so I can't beat yo...

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The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police...

I nearly crapped her pants!

Who came first? The man or the woman?

The man, after about 30 seconds.

Woman gets test results for her husband from the doctor

Doctor: Well, ma'am, your husband can live a long and healthy life, but we have to observe a strict regimen for him, or he won't. First, no agitation. His heart doesn't take that well, so you have to speak quietly and softly to him, don't require him to make any hasty moves, don't wake him rudely an...

An old woman is sitting on her porch when a genie appears

"You get one wish" he is straight to the point. woman thinks about it but she is content with her life. Just that moment her cat strolls by. With a mischievous smile she tells genie she wants her cat turned into handsome man. "Done" genie says and vanishes. And true to his word instead of a cat ther...

A white woman has a baby with a white husband

The parents rush to the hospital to deliver the baby. The baby pops out and the baby is... black?

''Well that took a dark turn'' said the husband

A young woman is speeding down a country road going 90MPH and she gets pulled over by a police officer.

"Young lady, I've been waiting for you all day" he says.

She replies, "I know I came as fast as I could officer! "

I used to be a man locked in a woman's body...

but then I got born.

An old billionaire marries a young woman.

He tells his wife that his only wish is to be buried with all of his wealth. The wife agreed without a second thought. Months went by and the man sadly passed away.

At the funeral, his wife walked up to the casket with an envelope in her hand. Solemnly, she placed the envelope in the casket w...

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans into her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead." the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman says, "that means a lot."

A woman was watching her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He then replies......

"No. I work for a condom company. These are my customer complaints."

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

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Woman to Doctor: “My husband wants intense sex all day! What can I give him?”

Doctor: “My number.”

I came out to my Asian parents as a trans woman and told them I have a boyfriend named Shane.

I think they are taking it pretty well. They said they did't have a son and I would bring Shane to the family.

A woman screamed at me when she saw me bleeding

Turns out she was a real hemophobe

The Invisible Man married an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.

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A young man is heading home from a big night in the town. As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.


As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.


He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"


The sex wo...

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