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A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
...

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?'"



"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terri...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

A lady is walking to the store when the sees the most beautiful garden shes ever seen....

She askes the man wattering his garden

"Excuse me sir, how do you get such red tomatoes?"

"Well" he said, "it's a bit embarrassing, but every morning I get up and come outside in just my robe and flash my tomatoes. Then the tomatoes blush and turn redder! You should try it sometime!"...

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Two old ladies were smoking a cigarette while waiting for a bus. It started to rain, so one of them took out a condom from her purse..

and cut off the tip, slipped it over cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, 'Hey thats a good idea! What is it that you put over ur cigarette?' The other old lady said, "It's a condom". "A condom? Where do u get those?". The lady replied, "You can purchase them at pharmacy. ...

A lady gets pulled over by an Officer for speeding

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Can I see your license, please?

Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: You don't have one?

Lady: I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see, can I have your vehicle registration papers, please?

Lady: ...

3 old ladies

3 old ladies were sitting on a park bench. A flasher comes over and rips open his raincoat. The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady had a stroke. The third old lady couldn't reach it.

A young lady, destitute and rejected by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
...

A lady dies and goes to heaven.

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she sees som...

Why did the old lady fall down the well?

She didn't see that well.

(courtesy of my 8 year old!)

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How do you make an old lady say "Fuck"?

Have another one say "Bingo!"

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

The son comes home crying and tells his mother "the lady next door hit me!". So the mother goes over and asks why she hit her and the lady replies "your son called me fat!". To which the mother replies...

"...and you think you'll lose weight by hitting him?"

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

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An elderly lady walks into an ice cream parlor.

She says to the man behind the counter, "what flavors of ice cream do you have?"

"They're listed on the sign. We have chocolate and vanilla," he answers.

"I'll have a scoop of the strawberry," she says.

"We don't have strawberry," answers the man.

"Well, then, I'll have s...

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A young lady approaches a priest

A young lady approaches a priest and asks him, "Father, what are the Church's views on fellatio?" The priest was confused for a second and replied, "I'd love to tell you, but unfortunately, I do not know what fellatio is." The lady demonstrates and the priest is slightly taken aback.


A f...

A lady goes into labour and is rushed to the hospital

She is in labour for hours and the birth is excruciating but eventually the baby comes out. The doctor taps the baby's bottom to get it to cry but nothing happens. The doctor then uses a little more force and smacks the baby's bottom harder but still nothing. The mother is getting extremely worried....

I can bring a Lady to complete ecstasy with one hand

To be clear, Lady is my cat's name, and the hand in question operates the electric can opener

A lady and her husband arr at the hospital to give birth to their baby

Just before the operation, she starts to get panic attacks due to stories she's heard of the immense pain. The doctors offer an alternative solution.

Doctor: "We've procured a machine that transfers the pain felt by the mother to the father. But be warned, the pain will be like nothing you've...

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A little old lady

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop.

Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, "Dooo ...

I saw a lady in tears at the store. She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.

I gave her $100 because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot. #payitforward

A guy asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him 'Nice perfume, which one is it? I want to give it to my wife!'

Lady: 'Don't give her. Some idiot will find an excuse to talk to her!'

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The Knight and the lady (NSFW)

There was a knight married to a beautiful lady. One day, a crusade is called and the knight is forced to leave his castle and head off to the crusades. Before he goes he arranged for his wife to wear a chastity belt, to ensure that none of his servants try anything with her in his absence. Yet this ...

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

The bus crash that landed me in hospital was caused by a guy standing up to offer a lady his seat.

He'll never work as a bus driver again.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I bet...

Did you hear about the lady who backed into a plane propeller?

Dis-assed her

An Italian young lady is about to go on a walk with her beau when he grandmother warns her...

She tells her granddaugter this:

He will try to kiss you, but you shouldn't let him, even if it feels nice, for it will dishonor you.

He will try to move his hands under your blouse or skirt, you may like it, but you must not let him do it, for it will greatly dishonor you.

H...

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-f...

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Premature ejaculator seeks lady for short term fling

Lady in question must have large breasts, full lips, a nice ass and... OH GOD... never mind...

An old lady is sitting with her doctor

“I’ve been having the most terrible flatulence, doctor. I just can’t stop passing gas. Luckily, they’re silent and they don’t smell at all. Why, you couldn’t tell but I’ve farted at least five or six times in the few minutes I’ve been here with you.”

The doctor pulled out his prescription pad...

A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should ...

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Three old ladies

Three old ladies had just passed away and stood outside the gates to heaven speaking to the Almighty One. He looked at the three of them sternly and said: "If you're gonna be here, you should know that we only have one single rule here in heaven, but that one rule is extremely strict! You may NEVER,...

Why can’t the Avon lady walk?

Her lipstick!

An old lady went for a doctor appointment

Old lady : I seen to fart a lot, but there isn’t any sound or smell, what’s the problem?

Doctor after examining her: I know what the problem is, take this pill three times a day and come back one month later.

1 month later

Old lady: I don’t know what you put in those pills but ...

Did you hear about the old lady who fell into the well?

Apparently, she left her glasses at home and couldn't see that well.

Looks like the time of being a gentleman is really at an end. I opened the door for a pretty young lady, and all she could do was look at me in complete terror, and scream.

As she flew out of the plane.

Little old Asian lady

A little old Asian lady goes to the supermarket produce department looking for lychee nuts. She can't seem to find them so she asked the worker:

"Excuse me, do you have itchy nuts?"

The worker answered:

"No, but the guy at the fish department, he's got crabs."

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Yall watch out. My lady said there is some weirdo running around the neighborhood.

She said he is offering a bottle of wine if the woman shows him her boobs.

She also says the wine taste terrible.

I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the snow today...

Well I’m guessing she was poor. She only had $1.00 in her purse.

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Three ladies are at a bar

One lady boasts that her vagina is so big, her husband can fit his whole fist inside. The other lady scoffs and claims her husband can fit up to his elbow inside. The third lady has been silent so far. "So? What about yours?" the first lady asks, but the third lady just smiles, as she slides down he...

A lovely Russian lady came up to the counter where I work and said "Please, I am looking for one night stand"

I had the shop shut up and the door locked before you could say knife, and we went to a bar for a couple of aperitifs, a nice restaurant, a club I know where they have a good floorshow, and then I took that lovely lady home and, being a gentleman, I will draw the veil of discretion over what followe...

A wealthy old man spots an attractive lady at the grocery store and approaches her with an offer.

He says, "Ma'am, you are very beautiful, and I would love to give you $1,000."
The woman, surprised and flattered, says, "That's very kind of you, but what would I have to do?"
The old man says, "Just follow me home, take off all your clothes, pick the money up off the floor, and then you ca...

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A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner

She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

An old lady goes to a dentist, lies on his table, drops her panties and stretches her legs

The dentist says “I’m not a gynecologist.” She says “I know, I need my husband’s teeth back.”

Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

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(Subject matter: Anything is a dildo if you’re brave enough) There once was a lady named Jill

Who tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil

A clergyman called on one of his lady parishioners hoping for a cup of tea and a chat.

When he rang the doorbell, no-one answered, although he was sure he could hear someone moving around in the house; so eventually he wrote on a visiting card "Revelation 3:20" and went away

>! Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come in ...

What's big and black, round, and pleases M'lady?

M'fedora

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The man hooking up with a lady warned her at the bar, "You should know I have a baby-sized Penis"

The lady says that's just fine and size doesn't matter.

They get to his apartment and he pulls down his pants, showing off an absolutely massive penis unlike anything she'd ever seen before.

"WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!" she shrieks in terror.

"I told you I had a baby-sized Penis...

A lady of the house lost three pairs of expensive panties and blamed the maid, in front of her husband.

The maid looked at the husband and said "Sir, you're my witness. You know I never wear panties."

You hear about that lady who pretends to be a hooker?

They call her a hoax

A tramp, seeking shelter on a freezing night, knocks on George and the Dragon Inn. A hefty lady answers the door and her expletives send him scampering. Desperate, he tries again minutes later.

"May... may I speak to George, please?"

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My lady asked me if I smoke after sex.

I told her “I’m not sure. I never looked.”

A drunk guy goes up to a lady dressed in black

A drunk guy goes up to a lady dressed in black and says:

"Will you dance with me, lady?"

"No and for three reasons"

"And what are the reasons"

With a very serious look on her face she says:

"Firstly you're drunk in a funeral, secondly you don't dance during the Nac...

A guy goes to a five dollar lady of the night and he gets crabs.

The next day he goes back to complain and she says, "Hey it was only five dollars, what did you expect, lobster?"

On my jog today, I saw this little old lady talking to her cat. From her hand gestures and body language it was clear she thought the cat understood her. I hope I never get that lonely and senile.

Anyway...I went home and told my dog about her. We laughed and laughed..

Farmers wife

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


"I real...

I asked the lady at the bookstore for a guide to Turtles.

She said ‘hardback?’, I said ‘Yeah, and like, little heads’

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The moonshine, the pitbull & the old lady.

John walks into a bar. As he orders a beer he sees a jar filled with 100$ bills on the counter. The bartender tells him that in order to win the jar of money, he has to complete 3 challenges, but the entry fee is 100$.

After some thinking, he decides to enter the contest. The bartender t...

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This lady friend got really mad at me for giving her a compliment

So I was hanging out with a friend of mine and she has been in a dark place lately. I thought I’d be nice and give her a compliment. Then all of a sudden the slaps me and leaves. Just like that.

I don’t really understand why she would do that. We’ve been friends for a while now and she is sup...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Best Twitter handle for an older lady:

@InstaGrammy

Lady at driving test

A Lady failed 4 times in her driving license test, when she applied for the 5th time the interviewer asked her the same question.

Interviewer : ma’am if you are going at the speed of 120 km/hr and there is a mountain on one side of the road and ditch on the other side and there is a young boy...

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A very tall man walks into a bar

and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, peo...

An old lady went to visit her dentist.

When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.

The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."

"I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.”

A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....

So she says to her baby

_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her

10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_

5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to ...

I saw an old lady being mugged by several men while walking home today, I figured I better go and help!

She was a tough old broad but in the end we got her purse.

The lady who birthed babies started questioning her career choice.

I think she was going through a midwife crisis.
...

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

An old lady goes to the doctor.

"Doctor, i'm constantly passing gas. They're not loud and they don't smell. But I want it to stop."

The doctor gives the woman pills and says

"Take these and call me next week."

So a week later the old lady calls the doctor.

"Your pills didn't work, not only am I still f...

Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband's cell-phone

"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway"

Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"

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How do you get FOUR old lady’s to say FUCK ???

You get a fifth to scream BINGO !!

A copy pulls over an old lady driving very slowly on the highway...

...and sees three other old ladies in the car, all of whom are terrified.

Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving 35 miles per hour on the highway.

Old Lady: Well, that's because the speed limit is 35.

Cop: No, this is HIGHWAY 35. The speed limit is 65. By the way, why ...

A tree randomly falls on a lady.

A tree randomly falls on a lady. A nearby spectator asks, "What was the tree doing in the kitchen?"

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I got dumped by a blind lady.

I knew she was full of shit when she said that she wanted to see other people.

An evil witch put a curse on a prince so that he could only speak one word each year.

If he didn't say anything for a year, he would be able to say two words the next year and so on.

One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three m...

A worried elderly lady calls her husband on his cell phone...

"Please be careful," she tells him worriedly. "I heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way on the highway." To which he replies, "It's not just one car, it's all of them!"

A state trooper pulls over a elderly lady

The state trooper approaches the car, and asks the elderly lady if she knows why he pulled her over. The elderly lady said “of course i do, you wanted to give me a personal invitation to the state troopers ball” the state trooper replied “uh ma’am. State troopers dont have balls.” He stood there for...

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[NSFW] What does old lady pussy taste like?

Depends...

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him. "Quiero calcetines." said the man. "I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offere...

A cop pulls over a old lady for running a stop sign at an intersection.

As he approaches the car he notices 6 penguins in the back seat of her car. She rolls down the window and the cop says "Ma'am I pulled you over because you ran that stop sign back there, but now that I am here I have to say, you cant just be driving around with these penguins in your car. You shou...

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor and said, "Can you do a tattoo of a turkey on my right inner thigh and one of a Christmas tree on my left inner thigh?"

"Sure,* the tattoo artist said. "But if you
don't mind me asking, why did you choose
those two designs?"
The lady smiled. "My husband' she explained. "He says there's never anything to eat
between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor's office. He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?" She replied, "I’m having a baby." With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?" She answered, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby." With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked:

Then why did you eat him?”

A lady is holding her newborn in her arms looks at him,her eyes teary in joy and goes

when i think 9 months ago, i almost swallowed you

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A young lady hands in an application form...but she gets rejected the first time.

A young lady hands in her application form. She wrote "Prostitute" where she had to state her occupation. The other lady at the counter quickly assesses it, and says that unfortunately, a prostitute is not eligible.

"Ok" says the frustrated young brunette, "how about I put down cock farmer?"<...

A 15-year old boy came home with a Porsche.

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

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A guy is introducing himself to a lady in a bar

Him : Hi my name is Daniel but my friends call me Dick

Her : how do you get Dick from Daniel ?

Him : you ask nicely ...

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NSFW A typical MACHO man married a good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a ...

A lady is giving birth. After she pushes and pushes,

the baby is born.
Doctor: "Mam, I have good news and bad news.
Lady: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: your baby has red hair.
Lady: Thank goodness! What's the good news!
Doctor: It's stillborn

So, full disclosure: There's this lady across the street whom I've been into for a while now.

I just started talking to her and I gotta say...

Lawn distance relationships aren't that bad.

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Ladies night out...

So, two ladies ditch their husbands for a ladies night out on a Friday night and they go do whatever middle-aged women think is cool to do on a Friday night. One thing leads to another and these two ladies have drunk a little bit too much and decide to head home and sleep it off. So they're driving ...

Did you hear about the Indian lady who drinks only one cup of tea?

She is known as Jaswanti.

A good looking lady asks me what I have going on tonight, so I tell her me and a buddy of mine are going glasses shopping.

“Mhmmmm.. and after that?”

“After that, we’ll see”

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

A pregnant lady went into a coma

Months later she wake up, no longer pregnant

"You had twins, a boy and a girl" the nurse exclaims "your brother named them"

"What did he name the girl?" the woman asked

"Denise"

"That's alright, I like Denise, what about the boy?"

"Denephew"

A bus load of Senior citizens were traveling to a casino. Halfway into the trip, a little old lady walked up to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus.

The driver told her he would check it out at the Casino. So she went back to her seat and sat down. Five minutes later a second little old lady walked to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus ... Since this was the second complaint in five minutes, he thought he had ...

Imagine that the next US president is a married woman

Would we call her husband a first ladyboy?


pls laugh I'm so depressed

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night, all he could offer her was $0.50 and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she wa...

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A priest checks into a hotel room and says to the front desk "I hope the porn is disabled"

The front desk lady says to him "no, it's just normal porn you sick fuck"

Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.

Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke. The third lady, though, declined to touch it.

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So I hear land of lakes butter is getting rid of the lady on the box

They are keeping the land though

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor though...

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

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Pierre, a French pilot of WW1 took leave in Paris and went out to sample the nightlife. He has a great night of song and wine and he meets a young lady, who he invites back to his apartment.

The excited pair walk back through the tree lined boulevards and on the way, Pierre drops in to a shop to purchase a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, a bottle of brandy and a box of matches.

When they reach the apartment they waste no time in stripping off and fall passionately ont...

What does a gentleman pirate say to a lady?

Chivalry timbers

An elderly lady goes to the local hardware store

An elderly lady goes to the local hardware store and approaches the young salesman on duty.

Her: I'd like to buy a trap to deal with a vermin problem I've been having

Him: Well, many of our customers like to go for a trap, some of them even go as far as to spend the extra penny for a n...

Three guys are working on an oil rig ...

Three roughnecks - John, Lonnie, and Donnie - were working on a rig in the oilfield...
While they were working one day, John falls off the rig tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance picks up his dead body and drives away, Lonnie says, "Somebody needs to go and tell his wife." Donnie repl...

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Old ladies

Two old ladies were sitting outside a pharmacy smoke a cigarette when it starts to rain. One old lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a condom, snips the tip off, slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking. The other old lady looks shocked and says, "I'm gonna have to try that."
So ...

What did the scary old lady say when she found a gold cauldron?

I’m gonna be witch.

How does Lady Gaga prefer you cook her steak?

Raw
Raw
Raw-raw
Raw


I will see myself out

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