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Lady Jokes

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A lady on the bus next to me this morning was sneezing, about every 3 minutes...

Each time she sneezed, her eyes rolled back, she gave a moan and shuddered.
Curiosity got the better of me after about 15 minutes, so I asked her if she was alright. She said, "Yes". Then she explained she had a very rare condition, whereby every time she sneezed, she had an orgasm!
I asked if...

Choking Lady

Two hillbillies walked into a local restaurant as they had decided to stop by for a bite to eat. While they dined, they talked about their moonshine operation.

All of a sudden, one woman sitting next to them (she had been eating a sandwich just right across their table) begun to cough. After ...

Lady and the Farmer

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, h...

A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."

\*poof\*

She's young again.

"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."

\*poof\*

She's now living in a beautiful mansion.

"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"

\*poof\*
...

A LADY lost her handbag..

It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.”

The boy replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any ...

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

A lady dies and goes to heaven.

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she sees som...

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

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A man sees a lady with big breasts.

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

A lady goes to the dentist with a sore tooth.

The dentist looks and says "you have a bad tooth we are going to have to pull it"

The lady says "I would rather be pregnant than have a tooth pulled"

The dentist replies "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair"

A sophisticated-looking lady was returning by plane from Switzerland

She talked to the Father sitting next to her, "Excuse me, Father, may I ask you a favor?"


The priest replied, "Of course, my child, what can I do for you?"


The woman explained, "Here's my problem: I bought myself a new epilator and paid quite a lot of money for it. I thin...

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A man goes into a local bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,

"Do you have the new book out for men with small penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept...

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept.

The manager sends her off to the family planning section.

After ten minutes, the manager takes routine a walk around the store, to check on things. He finds the lady still in the family planning section, humming to herse...

How do you get an elderly lady to say f***?

Get another one to say bingo

A guy walks into a clock shop and aproaches the counter where a sales lady is standing.

He pulls down his zipper and places his pecker on the counter.

Sales Lady stunned: Excuse me sir, This is a CLOCK shop.

Customer: Yes I know, could you please put two hands and a face on this please?

An 80 year old lady was marrying for the 4th time.

A newspaper asked if she wouldn't mind talking about her first 3 husbands and what they did for a living.

She smiled and said, "My first husband was a banker, then I married a circus ringmaster, next was a preacher and now in my 80's, a funeral director."

When asked why the...

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should ...

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the mo...

A lady asks god for help

One day a lady puts her kids to bed then goes into her room and prays to god

“ dear God my husband just left me, he took everything and I am unemployed, please help let me win the lottery!”

2 months later, after putting the kids to bed again, the lady asks god for help again

“De...

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An attractive lady is at her doctor's

She's lying on her back on the examination couch, her blouse undone and looks up into his eyes and says, "Kiss me doctor,"
"No I can't, " replied the doctor.
"Oh go on, kiss me, kiss me," she insists,
"No it's out of the question," said the doctor,
"Why's that?" She asks disappointedly.<...

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A lady walks into a bar…

She orders a drink and notices a frog in a cage behind the bar. She asks the bartender about it and the bartender says this frog performs oral sex on women. The woman has a few more drinks and her curiosity gets the best of her so she asks the bartender to have the frog go down on her. She gets up o...

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A lady goes to the doctor for help with her sex life...

Doctor: Give your husband viagra.

Lady: I can't, he hates pills.

Doctor: Just put it in his coffee.

Next week she returns, unhappy.

Doctor: Was it good?

Lady: It was the worst sex I ever had. He had a few sips of coffee, then he pushed everything off the table and ...

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

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A man met this lady at a bar and they decided to go to her place to have sex after the bar closed...

They're in the bedroom and he takes off his shoes and
socks."My goodness what happened to you're feet?"She asks.

"I had tolio," He replied.
"Dont you mean polio?" She asks."No. This just affected my feet. It's called toelio."She thought nothing of it and continued to undress.
He tak...

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Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier fo...

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A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.

She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off.

"Do you even own a bike?" he asks.

"I do. It's parked right outside."

"Do you swear?"

"More ...

An old lady was walking down the street

An old lady was walking down the street with two huge bags over her shoulders. While suddenly, one of the bags break and 100$ bills start falling on the sidewalk one after another.

A policeman going in the opposite direction notices this and alerts the lady:
“Excuse me, I think one of your...

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A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
...

I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me

who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady say...

An embarrassed older lady visited her doctor for help with a problem.

"Doctor, I don't know what's wrong, but I fart all the time. It's strange because they are both silent and odorless, but they keep coming out. In fact, I've farted about 6 times just sitting here. What can I do?"

The doctor replied, "Here, take one of these pills every morning and then come s...

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher revealed himself to them.

The first old lady had a stroke.

The second old lady had a stroke.

The third old lady couldn't reach far enough.

If Joe Biden’s wife is called the first lady, what do we call his mother?

Joe mama.

A lady is walking down the street and sees a parrot in the window of a pet store.

She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.

The next day she sees the same parrot in the window. When the parrot sees her it says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She's livid, and s...

A lady and her butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.

She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home ear...

A stunning young lady is at a bar when...

A stunning young lady is at a bar when she is approached by a middle-aged elegantly-dressed man:

The man: "What an astounding beauty! I don't want to be rude, but... Would you consider passing the night with me for... let's say... one million Dollars?"

The girl: "Ooh! Well... for one m...

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A lady is standing on the top a ledge over a canyon

She’s about to jump when a homeless guy runs over and says ..

“I know what you’re about to do !”

“How would you like to have sex one last time before you go?”

The lady says, “Typical! You’re just like every other guy…

trying to talk me into having sex instead of jumping o...

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

A little old lady...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh,...

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A shaggy looking old lady goes into her bank and asks the teller...

"Can I please withdraw $10 from my account?" while handing over her debit card.

The teller, annoyed at such a transaction request, rudely tells the old lady "Go to the ATM, stop holding up the line for $10."

The old lady then says "Okay, then I want to withdraw $10k from my account."...

An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.

An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.

‘It’s obscene!’, she yells. The receptionist goes up to her room and says, ‘Well ma’am, you can’t see anything from your window except the man’s head.’

No...

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

A young lady from my office just sent me an email

saying "ithinktherearesomeproblemswithmykeyboardcanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"

Oh boy am I excited, but what does "ternative" mean?

I was banging this nice lady...

I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front
door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking
back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every
day.

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A young lady becomes a hooker, and after her first night on the streets, the other hookers are asking her how it went...

"Well, the first guy I met was really hot! A marine with all kinds of muscles!"

"Ooh! Nice!" another girl says. "How'd it go?"

"Well I told him it was $50 for a fuck. He said he didn't have that much. So I told him it's $25 for a blowjob. He didn't have that much either. So I said it's...

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are having beans, stir it in,...

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Please explain this joke to me - naked lady walks into a bar

“A naked blond walks into a bar carrying a poodle in one arm and a 2-foot salami in the other. She lays both on the table. The bartender says ‘I suppose you won’t be needing a drink.’ The naked lady says… ‘oh shit!'”

What the heck does this even mean?

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So a lady goes to a bakery...

and asks for some bagels. The man at the counter says "Sorry, we won't have bagels until next week". So the lady says ok and goes home. The next day she comes back and goes up to the same man at the counter again and asks for some bagels. The man replies, "Ma'am, I told you yesterday, we won't have ...

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A lady asked me what position I was looking for

I told her I normally like doggy style, but since she was pretty hot, I'd be into it if she wanted to sit on my face while I jerked off. She got pissed off and asked me to leave her office, I don't think that job interview went very well.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness.

On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The old lady thinks, “I be...

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

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A butler is cleaning one of the guest rooms in a mansion when the lady of the house walks in.

She fixes him with an imperious gaze and cocks one arm on her hip "Charles," she says, "take off my dress."



The butler swallows hard, but he knows his duty. He puts his hands on the buttons of her dress and starts to undo them, one by one. More and more skin is revealed until finally,...

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Y...

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A lady sneezes on a plane

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman mi...

This lady at the pub...

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you t...

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Nurse in a care home walked past one of the bedrooms She sees an elderly lady sucking on her husbands penis.

She came in and said "Mrs Philips, you can't do that."

"Why not?" She asked, "I enjoy doing it."

"Yes." She replied, "but it was meant to be buried with the rest of him."

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Lady jumps out of the shower and door bell rings...

\- "Who is it?" she yells, trying to find her robe.

\- "It's the blind man"

The lady goes to the door topless and opens it.

\- "Nice tits lady! Now, where do you want your blinds installed?"

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A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.

She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you...

The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women

I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.

Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”

My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gav...

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I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady

She kept yelling, "I'm peeing in here!"

What a bitch.

A policeman spotted an elderly lady driving while knitting.

"Pullover!" he screamed.

"No, it's a scarf!" she yelled back.

A 60 years old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship.

She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away....



A gentleman approached the lady and said .....

"Ma'am, ....

I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up"....



The lady replied, ......

"Sir, if ...

A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God...

" there is one thing I've always wanted to know"

"Ok, ask away," God said.

" Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked

" The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god.

The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes hi...

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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

An elderly lady calls her neighbor and says,

"Please come over and help me. I have a puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's done?"

The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

He decides to go over and help ...

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A lady goes to her priest one day and confesses,...

"Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquires curiously.
The woman blushes as she explains that the two female birds repeat the same phrase over and over:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to hav...

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

I saw a lady texting and driving today

I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

There’s a lady 6 months pregnant with twins in a car crash..

And she goes into a coma. When she wakes up 7 months later, she’s startled and confused.

‘What happened?’ She says to the nurse

Nurse goes ‘it’s okay, your safe. You were in a car accident!’

Lady replies ‘what about my babies?’

Nurse, ‘don’t worry, you’re brothers been l...

Old lady gets pulled over by a cop for driving slowly

While thinking she's on perscription medication and needing to do a field sobriety test, he asks to have her get out of the car, and almost jokingly asks if there are any weapons in her vehicle. She tells him "Sure, Sonny, as a matter of fact, I do. I have a Kimber 1911 in the center console, a Gloc...

What's the difference between a church lady and a canoe?

Canoes tip.

An old lady used to cross the US-Mexico border every day using a motorcycle...

The guards, especially officer Johnson, knew she was smuggling something. But, no matter what they did, they could never find it.

Dogs wouldn't sniff anything, metal detectors wouldn't bleep, disassembling the motorcycle wouldn't help.

Many years later, on his last day at the job, once...

An old lady was stopped for speeding

Police officer: I'm sorry, but I think you were driving a bit too fast?

Old lady: What?! No, that can't be true!

Police officer: Can I see your drivers license?

Old lady: No, I don't have it anymore. I lost it 4 years ago when driving while drunk!

Police officer: Well.. C...

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An old man offered a lady $100 to lick her nipples...

An old man saw a beautiful lady walking down the street of the bar he just walked out of.

He catches up to her and says, "Ma'am, I'll give you $100 dollars if you let me lick your nipples!"

Stunned, she says, "What kind of dirty old pervert are you?? Absolutely NOT!"

The old m...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,,.

only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" ...

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A lady walks down the street with her breast naked

Someone tells her:

"Excuse me, Ms. You shouldn't walk like this with your breast out"

She looks at him. Looks at her breast. Turns back and runs away yelling:

"Fuck! I left my baby in the bus!"

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

I saw this poor old lady fall down the stairs and hurt herself.

I assume she was poor because I didn’t find more than $1.50 in her wallet.

I saw a lady in tears at the store

She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot.
#payitforward

Knock-Knock. Who is there? Yoda lady

Stop yodelling

Little old lady decides to join the Hell's Angels

A little old lady decides to join The Hell’s Angels so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, “I want to join your club.”

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says sh...

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.

Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"

New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
...

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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An old lady walks into a bank with a million dollars.

Old lady: "I'd like to make a deposit of a million dollars"

Bank assistant:, "That's a lot of money. How did you get them?"

Old lady: "I think I should speak to the managing bank director since it's such a large cash deposit."

Bank assistant: "Well considering that it is a milli...

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A lady comes home from her doctor's

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-f...

A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"

He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now ou...

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A lady out taking golf lessons! She is doing terrible...

The instructors getting pissed off. He says to her "listen dear, we have been out here all day long and we haven't gotten anywhere. You are not listening to what I tell you. Let's try something different. I want you to grab hold of the golf club just like you have hold of your husband's penis."...

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I met a lovely lady in the bar last night.

Although she was 57 she was very sexy and funny, she asked me if I fancied a Mother-Daughter threesome? I jumped at the chance, So we went back to her place, she took out her door keys and opened the door, turned on the light.

And shouts out, "Mum are you still awake?"

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A beautiful lady of the evening owns a penthouse on Lake Shore Drive. She’s entertaining a young man who is deciding what he’d like.

“So, how much would a reach-around set me back?”

The woman replies without hesitation, “Five-hundred dollars.”

The man is taken aback! “$500!”

The woman replies, “See this apartment? Handies paid for it!”

Convinced, the couple repair to the bedroom. A little later, they a...

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Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a da...

This lady was at the supermarket crying hysterically

I said what’s the matter???

She said I just lost $200
And I can’t find it!


Me being the nice guy I am…

I gave her $50 from the $200 I just found

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[NSFW] An elder couple were sitting in their broken down car on the side of the road waiting for a tow truck.

The tow truck arrives and the driver walks up to the car as the old man who was driving, rolls down his window.

Driver: Hello folks. What seems to be the problem?

Elder lady: WHAT???

Elder man: Sorry my wife is hard of hearing.

Then he looks at his wife and yells out...

Hey lady, are you my appendix?

Cause I don't know what you do, but I got this feeling inside me that says I need to take you out

Why did the blind lady fall into the well?

Because she couldn't see that well.

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

Old lady at dentist's office

An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs.


Dentist: "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."
"I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.”

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A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the ta...

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love...

A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassin...

An Old Lady buying Boots for a Texan

An old lady went into a bar in Dallas, Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped upon a table. He had on the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The old woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The man grinned and said, *“Sure is, little lady. W...

An old lady asks God for help.

In the highlands of Scotland lives an elderly lady in a house outside a small village. A harsh winter is coming and the lady is very worried she can’t pay the gas bill that winter. With no family left, she turns to God and she decides to write him a letter.

“Dear God,
In your endless merc...

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

I asked this lady if I could touch her hair

She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.

An old lady is riding the bus...

... when a haggard young mother with a screaming baby gets on. The mother sits across from the old lady, who watches her try everything to calm the child: burps her, rocks her, tries to feed her. Nothing works. The baby continues to scream its head off. Other passengers shoot the mother annoyed look...

What do you call an old lady in an open relationship?

A poly Esther.

Old Lady Takes her Husband to the Doctor. doctor asks whats wrong,"What did he say " says the old man. "he asked whats wrong" says the old lady.

She tells the doctor the old mans problems, he keeps asking what was said, and she repeats it all to him in a loud voice..At the end the doctor tells her he will need a Urine Sample and a Fecal sample. The old man says "what did he say" the old lady tells him "He wants to see your underpants"

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The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

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The First Lady was touring a hospital one day.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the First Lady. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a s...

A little old Christian lady...

...comes out onto her front porch every morning and shouts, "Praise the Lord!"

And every morning the atheist next door yells back, "There is no God!"

This goes on for weeks. "Praise the Lord!" yells the lady. "There is no God!" responds the neighbour.

As time goes by, the lady r...

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What does Lady Gaga call her sextape?

Bed romance

Little old lady to dog owner:

"Is that your German Shepherd outside?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"Well, my cat just killed it."

"Ha! How could your cat kill my dog?"

"It got stuck in his throat."

I went to a Indian restaurant last night. After I had ordered, a little old lady came to me and said, "Aren't you polite. You have such lovely manners."

It was my complimentary nan

What’s the difference between a lady coming out of a church and a lady coming out of a bath?

A lady coming out of a church has a soul full of hope and a lady coming out of a bath has a hole full of soap.

A lady walks into an ice cream shop. "Can I get a chocolate scoop on a cone?" she asks.

"Sorry, ma'am, but we're out of chocolate ice cream," says the man behind the counter.
"Oh, well then can I get a chocolate sundae?" she asks.
"We're out of chocolate," he repeats.
"Well, how about a chocolate milkshake?"
The man is frustrated at this point and decides to teach h...

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A Cop Pulls a Little Old Lady Over for Speeding

Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration. When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse.

"Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?"

"Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver."

"Please place that purse on the passenge...

What do you a call a fat lady who can tell the temperature?

Yourmometer

A young lady went to confession.

Young Lady: I think I am pregnant Father.

Priest: How did this happen my child?

Young Lady: I think it might have been the second coming Father.

Priest: What makes you think it's the second coming?

Young Lady: Because I swallowed the first one Father.

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