I asked my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper, she laughed at me and said "oh uncle , you're so old. Just use my phone"

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill the fly.

My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison...

He's never going to finish his sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

My uncle stopped smoking because of coronavirus

RIP uncle Jim.

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication

It's for Hispanic attacks

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his blonde brother and told him, 'Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and then send me the bill.'

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But when the $200.00 bills kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

'Well,' sa...

A joke from a lawyer uncle

How can you tell that a victim of a hit-and-run was a lawyer?

If it was a lawyer, the body will have 2 sets of skid marks from when the driver backed up and hit him again.

My uncle always said , "Do something you love, and you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin.

What's the similarity between my uncle and sharks?

The both prey on schools

My uncle's favorite joke.

A man with a wooden eye was always nervous asking girls to dance. He was always scared they would find his wooden eye too scary and say no. But he saw a pretty girl with a harelip across the dance floor and mustered up the courage to ask her to dance. Once he asked, she was ecstatic and couldn't bel...

My uncle was crushed by a piano....

His funeral was very low key

My uncle fell asleep in traffic and got run over...

I guess he got tired

My uncle had car accident...

He cracked his ribs, broke left leg and got his front teeth smashed in the accident.

He was in a hospital for couple of weeks and during rounds he would always offer his doctor some hazelnuts.

Doctor liked him and would engage in friendly chat and chew some hazelnuts. After some days d...

A box of Uncle Ben’s beans and rice is a meal that everyone enjoys, but what most people don’t know about Uncle Ben is that he’s a former assassin. His classic recipe for death?

Ricin Beans

My uncle got an award for not wearing a mask.

The Darwin Award.

You know that show naked and afraid? It remind me of a game I played with my uncle.

It’s a joke! I know it’s dark. Sorry.

My uncle was a ventriloquist dummy. He died drinking furniture polish.

It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.

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I still remember what my uncle said right before the toilet broke...

"SHIT!"

So I’ve been trying to get my niece to call me her favorite uncle

Every time I visit my brothers house, I say hi to everyone and when I get to my niece I always say “who’s your favorite uncle?” And then point to myself.

It took a while but it finally paid off.

Today when I visited, I said “who’s your favorite uncle?” And with biggest grin on her fa...

My uncle: a little bird told me you are doing drugs.

Me: you're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?

My uncle died of hypothermia. Robbers took him and locked him inside a freezer of which the temperature was just slightly below 4 degrees.

It was the worst case of 3rd degree murder I've ever heard of.

My uncle had a goat with no nose.

It smelled terrible.

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I asked my uncle the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal thermometer...

He said the taste

I'm trying to get my aunt and uncle to buy a donkey...

But I don't wanna be an ass

Just been told my uncle tragically died at the brewery. He fell into a vat and drowned.

I don't think he suffered too much though, because he managed to get out twice to pee.

30 years ago my uncle stole my nose, and he hasn’t given it back.

-Lord Voldemort

My uncle was never good at throwing stuff away

He died from a hand grenade

My uncle is such a great businessman that he made $6 million in profits this year

He works in a non-profit organization

Did you hear they are changing the Uncle Ben’s Logo?

Everyone thought it was ricest.

I have an uncle who's ambidextrous, but prefers to use his right hand

The only thing he does left is write.

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

Uncle Ben

A true credit to his rice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried translating a Norwegian joke I heard from my uncle

Two northeners , Martinus and Bjørnar are camping together in the winter... They spend a lot of time together and then they go to bed in their sleeping bags..

They lie there for a while before Martinus says to Bjørnar: "Are you jerking off?" Bjørnar replies: "No I am not"

He says again...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is visiting his uncle Fred the farmer...

Johnny came running in from the field one day frantically shouting “UNCLE FRED! UNCLE FRED! THE BULL IS FUCKING THE COW!!”

Fred of course found this information useful but told Johnny “thank you for tell me, but maybe instead of telling me the bull is fucking the cow, just tell me he’s SURPRI...

Heard this from my uncle today.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?



A stick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I caught my uncle paying prostitute for sex, i was shocked

Never knew people get paid for sex.

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

My uncle always inspired me because he used to do what he loved.

Me.

I'll never forget my Uncle's last words to me just before he died.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

So I was staying at my uncles...

SO THIS IS A REAL STORY

My nephew, “mommy you’re kind of fat.”

My uncle, “no she’s not son she’s just big boned.”

My nephews expression immediately drops,

“Daddy is she okay?”

“Yeah why wouldn’t she be?”

“Why do her bones jiggle?”

My uncle got rich the American way

He tripped over things and sued people.

Uncle Ben has died.

That’s it, no more Mr. Rice Guy!

After his rich uncle's death, he was very anxious about his uncle fortune.

"Am I mentioned in the will?" he asked repeatedly.

"Of course you are," replied the solicitor.

Right here in the second page your uncle says:

"To my niece Sally, I bequeath $123,000; to my cousin Thomas, $55,000; and to my nephew Ricky, who was always asking too know if he's me...

My uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he kept fighting them off and drowned. We had him cremated...

he burned for three days.

My uncle

My father was a conjoined twin so I called his brother... my uncle on my father's side.

But then they were surgically separated, so now he's my uncle once removed.

I gave my late uncles widow a watch for her birthday.

Now shes just my uncles widow.

My Uncle used to say: "when one door closes, another opens"

He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

I saw my uncle cheating with another woman

but I aunt snitching

My Great Uncle always used to say "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more".

Great bloke...

Terrible anaesthetist...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your uncle Jack helped you off an elephant,

Would you help your Uncle Jack off an elephant?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We thought Johnny was a good uncle, then he fucked his niece.

Now, he’s a great uncle

My uncle went to prison for stealing a board game

He got life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does my uncle and a gastroenterologist have in common?

Both shoved foreign objects up my ass after drugging me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter!

She's my Japaniece.

Edit: guys, I see my mistake.

Shiiit. Well imma leave now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Proof-reading is vital - for example, you may accidentally type "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse."

When in reality, all you did was sit and watch.

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My uncle is an archeologist..

He was doing some work in Egypt and came across an ancient tampon. Picked it up, examined it closely and said - I have no idea what period this is from.

What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume.

What a silly old bugger.

I recently watched the movie Uncle, with Paul Rudd in it

You people may know it as Aunt-Man

What type of tea does Uncle Sam drink.

Liberty.

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little...

A man returns early from work to find a PlEaSaNt surprise.

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as h...

After testing positive in Tuscaloosa, my uncle Reamus ran out of ICU naked into the woods...

He checked back in two days later, covered in tick bites. I asked him what the hell he was thinking.

He replied, "Well... your Daddy's gonna die the way he lived: Corona and Lyme"

I always associate my late uncle with the pop rocks

Both exploded in my mouth...

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mommy and Uncle Paul

"Hi honey, this is daddy.
Is mommy near the phone?”

A voice on the other end answers: “No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
The little girl quipped.

After a brief pause daddy says “But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do, and he is upsta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grand uncle revealed to me that he has been in a same sex marriage for years.

I asked him, "How did you do it when it was illegal back then?”

He was confused, so I said “back then it was illegal to marry a male, since you are a male.”

My grand uncle said, “I wish. I’ve always want to try something different with my wife, but she just wants the same sex day after...

This post is sponsored by Uncle Tom’s rice.

It’s like Uncle Ben’s, but a bit more racist

So, my uncle died and left me his dvd collection

He had a series of Different Strokes

A man had a 5 year old kid who is still yet to talk.

Then one day the kid talked and said "uncle". Next day his uncle died. A week later he said "aunt". Next day his aunt died. A week later he said "dad". Next day their neighbor died.

I wasted my life

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

Lets hear it johnny

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOM...

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

Me: Man I want to be rich someday, just like my uncle.

Friend: Your uncle is rich?


Me: No, but he also wants to be rich someday.


Thanks to u/Jayer244

Every year my uncle dresses as Santa Clause for me and my little brother.

Santa is coming really means something different in our family.

My uncle drank way too much..

his wife told him that she would leave if he came home drunk again. Of course he goes out again, gets blind drunk, and vomits all over himself. He tells his buddy, “I can’t go home like this, she’ll leave me”. His friend gives him a $20 and says, “Put this in your pocket, and tell her that somebody ...

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot...

This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft musi...

I hate when people joke about 9/11, my uncle died there

He was the greatest pilot Saudi Arabia had seen in years

What's the difference between a dad joke and an uncle joke?

Whether you groan or moan.

Who is Uncle Kracker married to?

Aunt Cheese

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my Uncle Bob;

not screaming in terror like his passengers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Uncle died from a viagra overdose

His death has been really hard on the family.

Son: Dad why does mom have balloons in her chest?

Dad: Ummmm, you blow them up when your mom dies so that she can fly to heaven

Son: Oh ok

*THE NEXT DAY*

Son (on phone): Dad come home quick mom is dying!

Dad: Wait what happened?

Son: Uncle John is blowing her balloons!

Momma Bear and Papa Bear are getting a divorce,

Momma Bear and Papa Bear are getting a divorce, and they're fighting over custody of Baby Bear.

The judge interviews him to help decide who gets custody. "OK Baby Bear, since your parents are going to live in two places, we have to figure out where you live. Do you want to live with Papa Bear...

I'll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed

"I am your Father"

Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end.

My uncle is a bad ventriloquist

Whenever he shoves his fingers up my ass, he tells me not to open my mouth.

What's the difference between taxes and my uncle

At least my uncle takes me out to dinner

Why did the kid get creeped out when he was with his uncle playing with an octopus?

Because he expected 8 but he got ten-tickles

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

I took my uncle's coffin to the wrong plot.

The groundskeeper told me I made a grave mistake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like....

“Always use very precise language or you could be misunderstood.”

I remember it vividly because we were at their farm and I was helping my uncle Jack off a horse as she was telling me that.

With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas

But all he gave me was some junky old car.

Why are kids like ice cream?

They're the best thing in the world, but they can also give you a massive headache. You're also supposed to enjoy them in moderation, which is why grandparents, aunts, and uncles have it best.

The call

Hello, my dear daughter, dad's on the phone, can you give it to mom?

I can't daddy, she's upstairs with uncle David.

But, my darling, you don't have an uncle, how can she possibly be with him?

Yes, I do! He is upstairs with mom.

Ok, listen what are you going to do... You ...

I just found out my uncle, who has a stammer, died in prison

I'm so upset. He didn't even finish his sentence

Back in the day my uncle was a damn good hypnotist

On an unrelated note I feel compelled to tell you he never touched me

My uncle, who is an army funeral director, almost became president of the United states.

Yes he was a barrack embalmer.

My weird uncle came into show and tell with me when I was younger.

Worst funeral ever.

I have a couple jokes about kids,

But my uncle keeps taking them.

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

2020 has been difficult down here in Alabama.

2019 was tough too though. I lost a dad and uncle. I sure do miss him..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met my fiancee’s 85 year old great uncle the other day. A few minutes later he told me this joke.

Two friends, both ten years old, were hanging out after school one day. One of the kids turned to the other and asked “hey, do you know what a perfect penis looks like?” The kid said no and his friend looked disappointed.

Determined to find the answer for his friend, he rushes home to find t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Suzy sees her mother in bed with the mailman

Innocent but curious, she tells her father the very next day.

"Ok, Suzy" replies her father, "Our relatives are coming over for dinner later. I think you ought to tell them what you saw too."

At dinnertime, Suzy is waiting for everyone to sit down. As soon as Uncle Billy Bob takes his ...

My uncle always told me, "The real treasure, was inside of you the whole time".

As kind as that sounds, he sold organs to the black market for a living.

My uncle drowned in a vat of whisky

He bravely fought off his rescuers for hour befor he finally circummed.

He was then cremated and the fire lasted 3 days

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite uncle told this joke about a week before he passed away. He did it with a thick Irish brogue.

A priest and a nun were talking and the priest said, “Sister, if you hadn’t been a nun what do think you would have been?” The nun thought for a minute and said, “If I hadn’t been a nun I probably would have been a prostitute.” The priest was shocked and said, “Now sister I don’t think I heard you q...

A teacher gives his pre-K students a riddle.

Teacher: A train was moving in the East direction at a speed of 100 mph. Another train was moving in the opposite direction at 200 mph.
What is my age?

Student: 70

Teacher- Right Answer! How’d you figure out?

Student: I have an uncle named Larry. He is 35 years old and only ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A polar cub goes to its mom.

\- Mom, is dad a polar bear?

\- Yes, my darling.

\- Is uncle Jim a polar bear?

\- Yes, son.

\- What about aunt Cindy?

\- Yes, she is a polar bear too.

\- Grandpa? Is grandpa a polar bear?

\- Yes. Grandpa is a polar bear. Same with grandma.

\- A...

My uncle was kicked in the chest by a horse

The doctors say he’s in a stable condition.

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