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Uncle Jokes

My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison...

He's never going to finish his sentence.

My uncle was crushed by a piano....

His funeral was very low key

My uncle prayed to God to solve all his family's problems

God answered his prayers.

My uncle's funeral is next week.

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication

It's for Hispanic attacks

My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver

To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!

My uncle bought a piano from Nigeria.

So he brings it home and hires a guy to come tune it. The piano tuner struggles with it and after five minutes says, “Lemme guess... West African piano?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” my uncle responds.

“Well, West African pianos are notoriously hard to tune,” he says, “not like North Afri...

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

My Uncle Jackie turned 80 years young today. He loves telling jokes. Here is one he tells every Thanksgiving, and it gets a huge laugh every time. Enjoy, and Happy birthday Uncle Jackie!

A 75 year old man, his hair is completely white, marries a 22 year old girl and she gets pregnant. Nine months later he is siting in the maternity ward, talking to the nurse.

"Hey! Well how'd I do?"

The nurse says "she had twins!"

"Hehehe! Just goes to show, even if there is ...

My Uncle used to say "If you do something you love you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin

My uncle's joke he just came up with: What are chocolate's preferred pronouns?

Her, She

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When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

My uncle was taking our picture at a dairy farm in Wisconsin when he was crushed by a giant wheel of cheese.

We tried to warn him.

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I just found out my uncle is addicted to Viagra

No one is taking it harder than me

My uncle was injured in an explosion at the cheese factory today.

He was hit by a chunk of da Brie

My uncle named his dogs Timex and Rolex

They're his watch dogs

found on an e-mail from2004 from my uncle who has sinced passed r.i.p. jack!(long,somewhat nsfw)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now enjoy it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives of...

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If your uncle Jack helped you off a horse….

In return, would you help your uncle Jack off a horse?

I had an uncle who worked at a whiskey factory. He fell into a vat and drowned 6 hours later.

He would have drowned earlier but he got out 3 times to pee.

One time my uncle challenged me that I cant do a simple electrical wiring.

He got shocked after I completed the work.

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A joke my uncle told me a couple years ago.

A man opened a zoo and was attracting tourists from all over the world. The most popular exhibit was the giraffes, but every night, the giraffes would manage to escape their enclosures.

The zoo owner thought the giraffes jumped over the fence, so he raised the fence up to 2 metres tall. But t...

My uncle took 4 pictures to to the hobby store to get frames made for them, but got mad when they took an hour to get them finished.

"Everybody gets 15 minutes a frame," the employee retorted.

Why did the poker player get beat up off his uncle?

Because he upped his ante

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When I was young I spent my summers on my mean Auntie and Uncle's farm.

When I was 10 until I was 13, I spent my summers staying on my Auntie and Uncle's farm. My mom said it was to "build character" but really its because I was out of school and she was a single mother and had to work. Auntie and Uncle were not physically abusive but did tell me I was "trash" and all s...

My Uncle was in a mental hospital

My uncle is mentally ill and has been in a mental hospital for two years. The doctors noticed that he seemed to be doing well so they decided to discharge him. Before signing the discharge papers, the doctor asked one last question to my uncle just to make sure.

The doctor asked "If you put ...

I recently went to visit my 80 year old uncle who lives on a very secluded farm in Michigan's upper peninsula.

I have not seen my uncle in over 20 years. It is a 10 hour drive to his house and he only leaves the farm for groceries or doctor’s appointments, and never ventures far. We spent hours chatting the entire evening, and finally went to bed after midnight.

Early the next morning my uncle prepar...

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

A boy asked his Bitcoin investing uncle

for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin.

Uncle: $10.28? What do you need $8.41 for?

I discovered one day that my dad drives just like his uncle taught him.

He is driving and we get to a red light and he goes right through it.

I said "didn't you see that red light?"

He said "yes I seen the red light, don't worry about them red lights. My uncle never stopped for red lights in his whole life. My uncle is the best driver in the world."
...

My uncle is a plant geneticist...

He’s working on making vegetables crispr.

In honor of my uncle, an English professor who just passed away, here’s one of his jokes about grammar pedants

A grammarian fell into a sewer. Someone came and said, “Need help?”

The grammarian was offended at his language. “You would have made sense if you had said, ‘Do you need any help?’” he rebuked.

A second man came and spoke as the first. Again, the pedant was offended and said, “You wou...

What's worse than having ants in your pants?

Uncles.

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Uncle

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.'What's up?' he says.'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing. his fou...

all ants are female

because if they were male, they would be called uncles

My brother, uncle, and cousin came to my family reunion in Alabama

To keep things simple, I call him "dad."

My uncle is always bragging about his son, who works in the brass industry.

He’s my CuZn

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My uncle was a crap ventriloquist

He used to stick two fingers in me and tell me not to say anything.

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Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived her...

At my cousin's birthday party, I held up a photo of my uncle and said "It's amazing how you look just like your father did at 40!"

That's the last quinceañera I get invited to.

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My uncle died by overdosing on Viagra.

Since there was no will, the inheritance was decided by a ring toss competition.

My uncle wants to publish a cookbook that teaches people how to prepare nutritious and tasty meals using the kinds of meagre rations that are available in the aftermath of a hurricane/earthquake/flood/etc.

I told him it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

My uncle is mad that he lost his job to an illegal immigrant

It took him forever to find a job that neither requires a third grade education nor a background check.

I just learned my Great Great Uncle George was in the Navy.

They gave him a burial at sea but it was really difficult because the water kept falling out of the shovel.

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife A Little Girl Picks Up The Phone. "Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?" "I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve." "Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do. Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway."

3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.

"Daddy, I did what you said an...

A Mexican man applies for a job at the pentagon

A Mexican man, let's call him Carlos, applies for a job at the Pentagon. As part of the hiring process they send a couple of agents to talk to the man's friends, family and any associated to see if they can find anything that would show that he's not suitable for the job. When the agents go to talk ...

"I've a downloaded copy of Prince Harry's book 'Spare'. Do you wish to read it?"

"Is it a pdf file?"



"Nope, thats his uncle. A totally different Prince"

Frank and his wife, Linda, were at the hospital, where Linda was giving birth to their first baby.

The midwife had hooked Linda up to a machine. "This high-tech gizmo is designed to transfer a birthing mother's pains to the father of the baby," she explained. "But there's a bug in the machine. The pain that is transferred from the mother to the father will be multiplied by 10."

"I'm willin...

A man goes to prison for robbery.

After getting sorted, processed, and settled, it's lights out and he gets ready to sleep. After a few minutes he hears someone yell out "Forty Six!" and the whole cell block erupts in laughter. A few more moments pass and someone else calls out "Sixteen!" and again, the whole cell block starts laugh...

I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. .

My gondolences

Uncles hate me

Because I got aunts in my pants

It's so typical of my late uncle not to come to my funeral.

I went to his the selfish git.

I asked my uncle what he used to do when he got bored at my age. Never got an answer...

From him or his 24 kids.

I'll never forget my Uncle's last words to me just before he died.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

I learned a few things today

1. I'm going to be a dad.

2. I'm going to be an uncle.

3. My sister is not on the pill.

I remember my uncle giving me my first talk about the birds & the bees.

He said - "Bees make honey & birds lay eggs.

My uncle was moving from his farm to an appartment....

He had to get rid of all the animals, but he said he could not part with his 2 goats. So i asked him: 'But where are you going to keep them? There is no garden at all!'.
'Well, we have a balcony, they can be there in the summertime', he said.
'Ok, but in the wintertime, what then?' I asked...<...

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My uncle used to work in a butcher shop. He got fired for putting his dick in the sausage maker...

...to be fair, she got fired too. But then they got married and had a couple kids, so it all worked out.

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What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

If ant poison gets rid of your aunts, what gets rid of your uncles??

Anti-funcle cream.

What’s worse than 10 ants in your pants?

One uncle.

Moral of the story...

The teacher gave her class an assignment. They were to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back tell their stories.

Cathy began, "My father's a farmer and we were taking our eggs to market in a basket when we hit a bump in the road ...

*INCOMING STAR WARS JOKE* So my uncle got a job circumcising Bantha’s…

He said the pay was OK but the tips were huge.

Do you know what my uncle got for surviving the mustard gas and pepper spray attacks?

He got the seasoned veteran award.

I inherited my uncle's deer breeding business worth 50 million bucks

That's a lot of doe

My uncle fell into a vat of whiskey and drowned.

5 men tried to save him but he managed to fight them off.

My uncle took my weed so I took his wheelchair.

If I'm not rolling, then nobody is.

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I was talking to my uncle about his high school years…

He said when he started high school he was the biggest trouble maker in the school. He cut classes, got in fights, smoked in the bathroom, etc etc. Said he spent half his freshmen year sitting outside the principal’s office.

Eventually he got expelled and his parents had no choice but to sen...

Uncle Names Twins

A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud m...

After getting punched for making a racist comment at our last family gathering, my uncle won't be attending the next one because

black eyes matter.

A boy asks his Uncle: "Oh Uncle! How did you break your legs?!"

The Uncle replies: *You see those stairs going downwards?*

Boy: *Yeah*

Uncle: *I didn't*

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What do tacos and uncles have in common?

The bad ones can really hurt your asshole

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A joke my Uncle tells. Makes me laugh every time..

Somewhere deep down south a man dials 9-1-1..

Operator: “Emergency services. Is there a problem?”

Man: “Hi, uhh ya. I jus’ came home and I foun’ my wife lyin’ dead on tha floor.”

Operator: “I am so sorry to hear that sir. How would you like us to assist you?”

Man: “Yea, u...

My uncle died

He found it mind blowing that you can't play Russian roulette with a Glock

My uncle recently overdosed on protein powder

What a whey to go

I walked into the bookshop….

and asked the store assistant if Prince Harry’s book is available to download.

She said “do you want the PDF file?”

I said no, that’s his uncle.

Are you my uncles kidney?

Because you’re a failure.

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My uncle was vegan. That made his porn interesting.

The first porno I saw was Debbie Does Sallad.

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Little Timmy was annoyed by his father

because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.

And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.

Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ev...

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

Jesus's favorite gun

My uncle is a member of the NRA. He came over for the Christmas dinner wearing a shirt with Jesus on it. I noticed his shirt and complimented it.

He then took his jacket off and showed me the back. On it, Jesus was holding a PK in one hand and an AK-47 on the other. Above it was text th...

My uncle is like a good love story

Very touching

My uncle got lost on his bird hunting expedition

He took a wrong tern

One day, a husband telephones his wife, but his daughter answers.

"Hello!"

"Hey honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?"

"No daddy, she's upstairs jn the bedroom with uncle Jake."

"But you don't have an uncle Jake, sweetie..."

"Uh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now."

"Ok honey, I need you to go...

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Since we're doing little Johnny jokes....

Little Johnny's teacher sends the kids home with an assignment to find a story with a moral to it. The next day, the teacher asks, "Who would like to share their story?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up, and the teacher wisely ignores him. "Susie, why don't you go first?"

Susie ...

In honor of one of my late uncle’s best jokes:

A Czechoslovakian goes to the zoo and heads to the lion exhibit. He wants a closer look at the lions and before anyone could stop him, he was is their cage. He’s soon attacked and eaten by one of the lions.

A witness to this tragic event says to the zookeeper, “I saw the whole thing happen. ...

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I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

My Lawyer gave me great advice

He always said I should never apologise if it’s not my fault because I could be admitting liability and landed with a big bill.

However his uncle died recently and I sent him a condolence card and my trial starts next week.

I was never allowed to see Alien vs. Predator as a kid

The closest I got was watching my uncle rant about immigrants.

Why does your uncle drive around in a frozen car?

Because you lost your aunty freeze

Dead Uncle

It's almost been a year since my uncle died due to an overdose of indigestion tablets.


I still can't believe Gav is gone.

English teacher: What is the first thing you do if you become ill?

Foreign student: I go to bed.

English teacher: No, before that?

Foreign student: I take off my clothes, of course!

English teacher: No, no, do you visit the doctor?

Foreign student: No! No doctors! I don't like doctors! My uncle went to doctor with chest pain, doctor said...

So my great uncle louie…

So my great uncle louie worked his whole life in the iron mines outside of Pittsburgh.

The work is hard, but It's harder to meet women in that industry. Except the day he found a beautiful rock at work and started bringing it around town and to family gatherings.

My great uncle Louie w...

Hell, Michigan

Roads in the state of Michigan were in terrible shape due to weather and wear, but no are suffered more than the little town of Hell- a tourist trap that depended on traffic for income.

The mayor of Hell began to research potential repairs for their roads. One interested party was a man name...

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Old joke my uncle likes to tell: There’s a policeman hanging around outside a bar near closing time to catch any drunk drivers…

As the bar closes for the night, he sees a man come out who looks extremely wasted. The man stumbles all over the place, drops his keys, and has trouble finding his car. As the cop is watching him stumble around, all of the other patrons get in their vehicles and leave. The man finally gets in his c...

Colorblind uncle

My colorblind uncle was feeling down so I gave him encouragement by saying “don’t worry the grass is always grayer on the other side”

My uncle just died.

He fell into a vat of polish at the furniture factory.
It was a terrible end but a lovely finish.

My uncle told me a story about how he survived a chase from lion for about 10 kms.

He said once he saw a lion, he started running toward the village at full speed. After around a kilometre, he looked back and lion, who was just a feet away from him, slipped all of sudden. This allowed him to gain some distance from lion. After around another kilometre, he looked back and lion, wh...

My uncle recently and suddenly decided to leave his lucrative position at a local bank...

Because he lost interest

My uncle is a general contractor primarily focused on the construction of new branch locations for credit unions and other financial institutions.

He makes bank.

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

My uncle has the heart of a lion, the eyes of a hawk, and the legs of a cheetah

He's also a trained taxidermist

My uncle stopped smoking because of coronavirus

RIP uncle Jim.

an old arabic joke my uncle told me

a dumb guy fell down and hurt his back badly, he had to go to the hospital

the doctor told him: "just take this cream and apply it to the area of injury"

he went home and rubbed the cream on the staircase.

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

My uncle got addicted to deli meat

But I heard he quit cold turkey.

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

My Uncle John's Bathroom Reader calendar has these jokes from Philogelos ("Love of Laughter"), the oldest surviving joke book, dating back to the 4th century AD. They held up surprisingly well.

* A cheapskate wrote his will and named himself as the heir.
* An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had departed, the intellectual replied, "When he arrives back, tell him that I stopped by."
* An envious landlord saw how happy hi...

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My Uncle invited me to a Benefit next weekend celebrating women without legs.

Said the place would be crawling with pussy.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the mo...

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My Mother Vs. My Uncle

My Uncle has a cat and we own two daschounds and this is the conversation that went off over the phone:

Uncle: "Listen I dont want your dogs to come over because my cat will scratch them."

Mum: "Listen Alister, I'll tell you what..."

Uncle: " What?"

Mum: "Your pussy is n...

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?...

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer.

Hans is literally the wurst.

If there's an Antartica, why isn't there an Uncle Artica

7 year old daughter just gave this to me as a joke and seriously cracked me up.

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