My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison...

He's never going to finish his sentence.

My uncle was crushed by a piano....

His funeral was very low key

My uncle prayed to God to solve all his family's problems

God answered his prayers.

My uncle's funeral is next week.

My uncle's joke he just came up with: What are chocolate's preferred pronouns?

Her, She

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Please keep my uncle in your thoughts and prayers

We just found out he’s addicted to Viagra.

My Aunt has been taking it pretty hard.

My uncle bought a piano from Nigeria.

So he brings it home and hires a guy to come tune it. The piano tuner struggles with it and after five minutes says, “Lemme guess... West African piano?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” my uncle responds.

“Well, West African pianos are notoriously hard to tune,” he says, “not like North Afri...

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I helped my uncle jack off a horse

My uncle jack is really heavy, so it was hard to get him off of the horse

I'll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed

"I am your Father"

Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end.

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When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication

It's for Hispanic attacks

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

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I was talking to my uncle about his high school years…

He said when he started high school he was the biggest trouble maker in the school. He cut classes, got in fights, smoked in the bathroom, etc etc. Said he spent half his freshmen year sitting outside the principal’s office.

Eventually he got expelled and his parents had no choice but to sen...

My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver

To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!

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What do tacos and uncles have in common?

The bad ones can really hurt your asshole

At my cousin's birthday party, I held up a photo of my uncle and said "It's amazing how you look just like your father did at 40!"

That's the last quinceañera I get invited to.

My uncle Jim is getting older, and he’s having trouble with his memory

So he went to his doctor, and he started taking these pills to help his memory.

“Hey Uncle Jim,” I said, “what are those memory pills you’re taking called?”

“Ahhhh...um....hmmm” he took a second,

“Hmmmm...hold on let me think ermmmm.....it’s....daisy? No that’s not it....it’s ...

A boy asks his Uncle: "Oh Uncle! How did you break your legs?!"

The Uncle replies: *You see those stairs going downwards?*

Boy: *Yeah*

Uncle: *I didn't*

My uncle always said, if you do something you love then you'll never work an day in your life...

He did heroin.

My uncle died

He found it mind blowing that you can't play Russian roulette with a Glock

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife A Little Girl Picks Up The Phone. "Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?" "I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve." "Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do. Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway."

3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.

"Daddy, I did what you said an...

Do you know what my uncle got for surviving the mustard gas and pepper spray attacks?

He got the seasoned veteran award.

My uncle has 2 Dobermann called Timex and Rolex

Watch dogs

I inherited my uncle's deer breeding business worth 50 million bucks

That's a lot of doe

We all thought Uncle Jim was looking down at us from heaven when he passed

But when we looked at his Reddit history the other day, we realized he’s probably looking up at us instead.

I asked my uncle what he used to do when he got bored at my age. Never got an answer...

From him or his 24 kids.

Uncle Names Twins

A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud m...

My uncle needed a pet that could tell time

So he bought a watch dog

After getting punched for making a racist comment at our last family gathering, my uncle won't be attending the next one because

black eyes matter.

Me:I want to become a millionare like my uncle

My friend:Your uncle is a millionare?
Me:No he wants to become one to

My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants.

I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”

It's so typical of my late uncle not to come to my funeral.

I went to his the selfish git.

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My uncle used to work in a butcher shop. He got fired for putting his dick in the sausage maker...

...to be fair, she got fired too. But then they got married and had a couple kids, so it all worked out.

I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. .

My gondolences

My uncle fell into a vat of whiskey and drowned.

5 men tried to save him but he managed to fight them off.

So my great uncle louie…

So my great uncle louie worked his whole life in the iron mines outside of Pittsburgh.

The work is hard, but It's harder to meet women in that industry. Except the day he found a beautiful rock at work and started bringing it around town and to family gatherings.

My great uncle Louie w...

My uncle got lost on his bird hunting expedition

He took a wrong tern

My uncle recently overdosed on protein powder

What a whey to go

My uncle took my weed so I took his wheelchair.

If I'm not rolling, then nobody is.

Dead Uncle

It's almost been a year since my uncle died due to an overdose of indigestion tablets.


I still can't believe Gav is gone.

In honor of one of my late uncle’s best jokes:

A Czechoslovakian goes to the zoo and heads to the lion exhibit. He wants a closer look at the lions and before anyone could stop him, he was is their cage. He’s soon attacked and eaten by one of the lions.

A witness to this tragic event says to the zookeeper, “I saw the whole thing happen. ...

My uncle is a general contractor primarily focused on the construction of new branch locations for credit unions and other financial institutions.

He makes bank.

What is the opposite of a croissant?

A happy uncle.

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My uncle was vegan. That made his porn interesting.

The first porno I saw was Debbie Does Sallad.

My uncle told me a story about how he survived a chase from lion for about 10 kms.

He said once he saw a lion, he started running toward the village at full speed. After around a kilometre, he looked back and lion, who was just a feet away from him, slipped all of sudden. This allowed him to gain some distance from lion. After around another kilometre, he looked back and lion, wh...

Are you my uncles kidney?

Because you’re a failure.

What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

My uncle has the heart of a lion, the eyes of a hawk, and the legs of a cheetah

He's also a trained taxidermist

Colorblind uncle

My colorblind uncle was feeling down so I gave him encouragement by saying “don’t worry the grass is always grayer on the other side”

A guy is sitting in a bar, feeling sad.

"What's the matter?" asks the bartender.

"My paternal uncle died three months ago."

"Wow! No wonder you're sad!"

"It's not that. He left me a third of his estate."

"Then what's the matter?"

"My maternal uncle died two months ago."

"Two uncles in two months? ...

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A dirty one my uncle told me

“Do you know why women masturbate with these two fingers?” Said my uncle holding up his index and middle finger.

“Because they’re mine”

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

My uncle recently and suddenly decided to leave his lucrative position at a local bank...

Because he lost interest

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Little Johnny and the moral lesson

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taki...

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Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took t...

What is a pdf file

And why is my uncle under arrest for being one

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Old joke my uncle likes to tell: There’s a policeman hanging around outside a bar near closing time to catch any drunk drivers…

As the bar closes for the night, he sees a man come out who looks extremely wasted. The man stumbles all over the place, drops his keys, and has trouble finding his car. As the cop is watching him stumble around, all of the other patrons get in their vehicles and leave. The man finally gets in his c...

Uncle Fred

My uncle Fred went to a job interview for a diesel fitter. He was asked about his previous experience and he said he stitched clothing for 20 years. The interviewer was not impressed as he did not believe the job skills would be transferable.



Since the company continued to adverti...

RIP uncle

My great uncle passed away last year when we couldn’t remember his blood type in time for him to get a blood transfusion that would save his life.





...

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

My uncle is like a good love story

Very touching

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. (NSFW)

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone do...

A man stormed into the Doctor's office

A man stormed into the doctor’s office full of excitement. He grabbed the doctor’s hand and pumping it furiously, exclaimed “Doc, I just want to thank you and tell you how your treatments have improved my life! The bold way that incorporate new scientific breakthroughs with traditional holistic has ...

Assembly line

John: "My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."
Dave: "Really? What did he get?"
John: "Fifteen years."

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What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

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What’s the SFW substitute for “motherfucker” in Alabama?

Uncle

My Uncle John's Bathroom Reader calendar has these jokes from Philogelos ("Love of Laughter"), the oldest surviving joke book, dating back to the 4th century AD. They held up surprisingly well.

* A cheapskate wrote his will and named himself as the heir.
* An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had departed, the intellectual replied, "When he arrives back, tell him that I stopped by."
* An envious landlord saw how happy hi...

My uncle just died.

He fell into a vat of polish at the furniture factory.
It was a terrible end but a lovely finish.

I had an uncle who worked circumcising elephants

The pay wasn't great, but the tips were enormous!

My uncle picked me up from school during recess today!

My mom never told me about him, but it's nice to finally meet him!

My uncle's death was predicted, he was told the exact day, and the exact time he would die. It happened as predicted.

The judge told him.

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

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A wedding in Galway was rudely interrupted by the drunk uncle Patrick as he went up the stage and announced...

"The wedding is off. We're out of food. We're out of booze. And somebody fucked the bride."

The guests were in shock.

About 5 mins later, uncle Patrick got back on the stage and announced, "Sorry about that. The wedding is back on. Laura made us some sandwiches. Connor brought some wh...

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An angry man walked into a Taverna one evening, and yelled "I hate the Greeks!"

He looked around, at the light blue wall paper, with the white Grecian key pattern going around the top. He stared into the eyes of the bar tender, a strapping young lad with an olive complexion, rich black hair, a glorious unibrow, and piercing green eyes.

"Are you a Greek?" he asked, menaci...

My dad was a co-joined twin.

My dad was a conjoined twin.

We used to call his brother my uncle on my father's side.

They did get surgically separated though.

Now he's my uncle once removed.

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I’ve only been in prison for half an hour and have been fucked up the arse three times…

…my uncle doesn’t mess about playing monopoly

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Proper capitalization DOES matter, my teacher used to say...

...because there is a huge difference between "Helping uncle Jack off a horse." and "helping uncle jack off a horse"

My sister just announced that she’s pregnant, everybody.

Can’t wait to see if I’ll be an uncle or an aunt.

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

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We thought jerry was a good uncle...

Till he fucked his niece, He’s a great uncle now

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I'll never forget the last words my uncle said to me before he passed...

"Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

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My Mother Vs. My Uncle

My Uncle has a cat and we own two daschounds and this is the conversation that went off over the phone:

Uncle: "Listen I dont want your dogs to come over because my cat will scratch them."

Mum: "Listen Alister, I'll tell you what..."

Uncle: " What?"

Mum: "Your pussy is n...

When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug

His last wish was to be Frank in Stein

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

In the class on medical notions, the teacher asked the students to bring instruments used in a hospital.

\- Susy, what did you bring?

\- A scalpel.

\- Who gave it to you?

\- My mother gave it to me.

\- And what did she say?

\- She said it's for cutting skin!...

I once had an uncle who fell off the roof of a castle.

He didn’t die, though. He got de-moat-ed.

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My uncle just saw his “wanted” picture at the courthouse and was pissed

Because he was framed

30 years ago my uncle stole my nose, and he hasn’t given it back.

-Lord Voldemort

I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant

He said: it’s naan of your business

My uncle got addicted to deli meat

But I heard he quit cold turkey.

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My Uncle invited me to a Benefit next weekend celebrating women without legs.

Said the place would be crawling with pussy.

Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers.

But his aunt May.

Teacher: Johnny do you have a fairy godmother?

Johnny: No, but we have an uncle we keep a close eye on.

My uncle is a bus driver that circles Big Ben in London ...

he works around the clock.

My uncle's favorite joke.

A man with a wooden eye was always nervous asking girls to dance. He was always scared they would find his wooden eye too scary and say no. But he saw a pretty girl with a harelip across the dance floor and mustered up the courage to ask her to dance. Once he asked, she was ecstatic and couldn't bel...

an old arabic joke my uncle told me

a dumb guy fell down and hurt his back badly, he had to go to the hospital

the doctor told him: "just take this cream and apply it to the area of injury"

he went home and rubbed the cream on the staircase.

The Caller

"Hello?" the child says on the phone. "Hi, honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy," says the litter girl. "She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the r...

If there's an Antartica, why isn't there an Uncle Artica

7 year old daughter just gave this to me as a joke and seriously cracked me up.

My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer.

Hans is literally the wurst.

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I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

My uncle stopped smoking because of coronavirus

RIP uncle Jim.

My uncle Rob died at the height of ecstasy, in one of those seedy hotels, when the ceiling mirror fell on him

Sad to die alone like that.

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

What’s the similarity between skid marks and my uncle?

you can find both in my boxers

I'm trying to get my aunt and uncle to buy a donkey...

But I don't wanna be an ass

My uncle was a ventriloquist dummy. He died drinking furniture polish.

It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.

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I caught my uncle paying prostitute for sex, i was shocked

Never knew people get paid for sex.

My Uncle did a magic trick today.

He turned a six pack of beer into domestic home violence.

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

Simon was in a car crash with his uncle.....

Sadly his uncle died, but Simon was saved
but lost both his legs. The surgeon was able to sew his uncle's legs to his body. When he was recovered he decided to pursue his love
of music and performed in the local pub as Simon and Halfuncle.

I want to die like my uncle, peaceful in his sleep...

...and not like his co-driver.

My Uncle’s Joke: There was an old man who, years ago, worked for an international hauling company

He had worked there for many, many years and decided that the time had come for him to retire. He asked to be put on one last job for old times sake and the company obliged. They sent him on the longest route in the companies history, going from the UK to South Africa. After weeks and weeks on the r...

What happens when your uncle’s wife tells you a joke?

It becomes an anti-joke.

I just got my first Christmas card in the mail. It was full of rice

Thats when I knew it was from Uncle Ben

Made up an absolutely horrible joke this morning. It needs work tough like my lazy uncle Mike.

I got in a fight with my Girlfriend this morning because I forgot to cut up her breakfast for her. She just go home from the hospital cause last week she was in a horrible car accident she lost an arm, broke her leg and is going to be in a wheel chair for the foreseeable future to be honest I'm jus...

When I was 16 years old I told my mom I wanted to get a motorcycle...

She said, "You are not buying a motorcycle. My brother, your uncle who you never met, died in a horrible motorcycle accident. You can have his bike."

My uncle and I used to play Cave Explorer

I kept telling him that there is no playable character in Cave Explorer but he always insisted that there is the explorer and the explored.

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In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

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A young man turns 18

His uncle offers to take him to the local brothel for his birthday. The young man happily agrees hoping to finally lose his virginity.

They show up at the brothel and the young man is brought back to a private room by a very beautiful woman.

Woman: “You can undress and lay on the bed...

My dyslexic uncle ruined Christmas...

He warped all the presents

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his blonde brother and told him, 'Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and then send me the bill.'

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But when the $200.00 bills kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

'Well,' sa...

Just been told my uncle tragically died at the brewery. He fell into a vat and drowned.

I don't think he suffered too much though, because he managed to get out twice to pee.

My uncle accidentally fell into a vat of lacquer.

He didn't have a good life, but he had a beautiful finish.

Wholesome Prison joke from my uncle’s dad

So there are a group of men serving simultaneous life sentences in prison. They’ve served 20 years together already and over all those years to fill the time they told each other jokes. These jokes they’ve loved so much and were told so many times; that they have been able to tell them by numbers al...

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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter!

She's my Japaniece.

Edit: guys, I see my mistake.

Shiiit. Well imma leave now.

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