A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the ...

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

My uncle told me he was a failed experiment with chloroform

Whenever he releases gas everyone around passes out

What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

A boy asked his uncle, “why did you plant a walnut tree when I was born?”

“Well,” The uncle replied, “I figure you’d both take about 13 years to start nutting”

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My Uncle got pulled over by a motorcycle cop for going 25mph over the limit

The cop storms up to the drivers window and yells “GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDNT HAUL YOUR ASS TO JAIL RIGHT NOW!!” My uncle replies “Cause id look pretty stupid on the back of your bike.”

Turns out my uncle's birthday falls on the same day as my boyfriend's

Now I don't know who to celebrate it with, the one who took my virginity, or my boyfriend

My uncle told me this

2 hillbillies, Cletus and Bubba are talking in a bar. A lady at a table next to them starts choking. Cletus stands up and walks towards her. He asks her “Are you choking?” The woman nods. Cletus then kneels down and licks her rear. The woman was so surprised that she spit out the food. Cletus walked...

Uncle Ben probably wouldn't have discouraged Peter from joining the Avengers

But his Aunt May

Why did Uncle Sam get a divorce?

His wife was Auntie America.

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Your Uncle Jack is Stuck On a Horse

Would you help your Uncle Jack off a horse?

Little Billy came home from school...

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the ai...

My Italian uncle has recently been hit by a truck full of Mac&cheese

Sadly, he pasta way now

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish...

My uncle worked in Hollywood and told me how sad it was at Jim Henson’s funeral.

Kermit was speechless.

A hunt for a missing 6-year old boy ended after 10 hours when the child was found sleeping in the trunk of his uncle's car.

It was a kidnapping.

I want to die like my uncle.

Lighting a cigarette enjoying the cool summer breeze.
Not like the people around him yelling and screaming that he shouldn't do that while pumping his gas.

Yesterday was my Irish Uncle second anniversary being sober.

Yeah he's been in a coma for 2 years.

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I walked into my uncle’s bedroom and saw him giving a hooker $50 for anal

I barged in and yelled, “He pays you?!?!”

My uncle once got his DeLorean up to 88 mph, and ended up 30 years in the future.

That's how long he got for hitting all those people at the bus stop.

My lights remind me of my uncle

Because I turned them both on

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish.

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish.

After my uncle died I came into some money...

Boy, was I happy! The bank teller, though, was horrified.

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A boy, his uncle, and a cat on a farm.

So, a father comes home to his son one day and says that they'll have to move for a while. He's going out on a business trip and his mother is in hospital for a car accident, so the child has to stay with his uncle for a while. His uncle is a farmer, and so the boy arrives on the farm. He's only all...

It’s like my uncle always said...

Stop squirmin’.

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Capital letters are the only thing between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse...

...and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

My overweight uncle spend months making a belt out of used pocket watches.

When he finished it, he realized it was a huge waist of time.

About a month before his death my uncle asked us to cover him in grease

He went downhill quite quickly after that.

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My uncle just visited me.

I'm fucked.

What's the difference between a good movie and my uncle?

Nothing. They both touch me.

My uncle always used to say "Fight fire with fire"

That's probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade

Looking for feedback on a terribad joke I made up

Last night at 7:30 I went to my uncle's sixty second birthday party...

It was over by 7:31.

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My uncle was a terrible ventriloquist...

...used to put two fingers in my arse and tell me not to say a word.

My uncle died because he put on too much weight.

Doctors said it was the worst bench press accident they’d ever seen.

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What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

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My uncle was born without eyelids....

My uncle was born without eyelids but the doctor was pretty resourceful. He took his foreskin and made eyelids with it. My uncle is fine now, just a little cock eyed

My uncle opened a clown themed restaurant.

It didn’t do very well though, customers kept saying the food tasted funny.

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A lion was chasing Uncle in Africa

A Uncle was trying to impress his nephew

Uncle: You know, when I was traveling in African Savannah alone, I went close to a sleeping lion to photograph him.

Nephew: What happened next?

Uncle: The lion suddenly wakes up, and start chasing me.

Nephew: Wow, what happened ...

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My uncle was a shit ventriloquist

He kept putting his fist up my ass and told me not to say anything

My uncle spent a year in an African village while he was in the Peace Corp...

...when he arrived, he noticed there was some drumming noise coming from far away. He asked the Chief, who replied "Drums good. when drums stop, no good."
The next days, the drums continued. When my uncle asked if it was the same drums as yesterday, the chief replied "Drums good. when drum...

About a month before he died, we covered my uncle's back in grease and lard

He went downhill fast after that.

I want to become millionaire like my uncle

He also want to become millionaire

All three of my uncles used to grow weed together

It was a joint effort.

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

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9 months ago I had best sex in my life

Today I became an uncle.

My uncle's chicken farm business didn't take off so he switched to ducks...

The it was all bills, bills, bills.

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I went to visit my uncle in prison, and I managed to lock my keys in the car.

I said to one of the guards "Is there anyone in there who can get them out for me?" he said "leave it with me" 10 minutes later he comes out with Reggie cuffed to his arm, I say to Reggie "can you help me out?" He says "No problem", he kneels down, picks up a brick and throws it through my fucking w...

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My 9 year old thinks we should name our new dog after her Uncle.

When we asked her why, "So when we tell people that Steve pooped in the garage, they'll think it was him!".

​

True story.

What do you call a cop in Italy?

A guinea pig.

OC per my crazy Italian Uncle. All mail should be directed to my ass.

Every family reunion we would see our uncle who we called “caveman” we called him that because he was big and hairy and every now and then he would eat one of us

Then we found out he was a bear

My uncle has ordered the same American beer at the bar for 9 years now

I must say, that’s a commitment to the coors.

"We're terribly worried about uncle Henry. He thinks he's a chicken."

"Have you brought him to see a doctor?"

"Well, we would but we need the eggs."

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I saw my first porno last night.

I looked so much younger back when it was filmed.

So did my uncle.

Stranger: Good morning, Doctor. I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.

Doctor: But you’re not one of my patients

Stranger: I know. But my Uncle Bill was, and I’m his heir.

Every time I visit my Uncle’s farm I think the sheep are pointing and laughing at me when I’m not looking..

Are ewe kidding me

My uncle died on the oregon trail

We buried him in cholerado

My uncle is with the FBI

They caught him in Cleveland

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I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

Let me tell you about my Uncle Ernest. He drank furniture polish and died.

It’s a sad story with a beautiful finish.

Your drunk uncle

At 10 years old, you laugh at your drunk uncle

At 16, you are embarrassed by your drunk uncle

At 25, you are drunk with your uncle

At 40 *you* are the drunk uncle.

After trying many medications, my uncle learned he is only happy when his wife is miserable

He now only takes auntie depressants.

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What's the difference between my uncle and EA?

When I get dicked deep by EA my parents believe me....

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What do you say to your uncle Ted who is an asshole and has issues with drugs?

You're a dick Ted.

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Uncle jokes, Dad jokes, same thing.

I went over to my aunt and uncle’s house for dinner. While cooking, my cousin and I discover that we both are redditors. She says to me, “Hey did you see this post on AskReddit?”

My uncle quickly yells from the other room, “I wish someone would give me some Ass Credit!”

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

Why cant the uncle touch his knees anymore?

His father filed a restraining order after what he did to his nephew.

They say absolute wisdom.comes just before death. In the words of my late uncle,

"Watch this!"

My uncle was kicked by a horse the other day

He's in stable condition.

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out...

My uncle decided to get involved in a sport as his health was failing.

But he took up bobsleigh and went downhill rapidly

[Tasteless] Lost my great uncle in the Holocaust

Dumbass fell off the guard tower.

My 85-year-old uncle went for his regular annual check-up...

and doctor asked him how he was feeling. “Feeling great doc, just got married to a 22-year-old girl.” The doctor was somewhat amused and said, “In 15 years you’d be 100 and she 37, don’t you think could cause problems?” “Not at all doc, when a man really loves a woman he doesn’t mind if she gets old...

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

My uncle complained to me that I never visited him and that the next time I saw him he would be in a coffin.

Jokes on him.

He was in an urn.

My uncle asked me to DJ his wedding.

Apparently, it's in really bad taste to have the first song be "Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo.

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus...

...who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their row boat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do...

My uncle drowned in a vat of beer...

That said, he did get out three times to pee...

I remember what my uncle used to say

There we were. Three against a thousand.

Toughest three we ever fought

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After a long emotional struggle, my three feet tall uncle finally announced that he is gay.

I’m glad that he decided to come out of the cabinet.

But Honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul

(Phone rings)

*Pick up*

(Little girl) : “Hello”

“Hi Honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy, she’s upstairs in the room with Uncle Paul”

After a brief pause, Daddy says “But Honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul”.

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upst...

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Punctuation and grammar makes all the difference

Proper punctuation and grammar is the difference between “helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse” and “helping your uncle jack off a horse”.

My friend got a motorbike jacket gifted from his uncle

Along with his organs

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Clear and concise writing can mean the difference between "I helped my uncle jack off a horse"...

and "I spent my summer working on the family's husbandry ranch."

How are memes and your uncle the same?

They are banned from EU.

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Do ants have dicks?

No.

Cuz then they would be uncles.

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Uncle Bob was a paratrooper

Uncle Bob used to love telling stories about his time in the Army. Once he told me about his first time parachuting out of an Army plane.

"I was the last one in line to jump out of the plane, and let me tell you I was scared shitless boy. I got to the door, but refused to jump. The sarge chew...

After a long struggle, my uncle finally came out of the closet.

He has Alzheimer’s, and thought it was his truck.

My uncle always hated eating mushrooms...

...but now that he's dead, they're beginning to grow on him.

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My uncle told me this joke after coming from a trip from Mexico.

A man went on vacation to Mexico. He went to a restaurant and while eating saw a plate with two huge meat balls on it, he called over the waitress and asked "what is that dish you just served." And the waitress said "that is bull testicles, everyday we have 1 bull fight, if you want to eat it you ha...