I asked my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper, she laughed at me and said "oh uncle , you're so old. Just use my phone"

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill the fly.

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When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

My great uncle died in the hospital because they didn’t know his blood type

He held my hand through it all and said “Be positive”

My uncle: a little bird told me you are doing drugs.

Me: you're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?

My uncle always told me, “Keep your mouth shut and keep your eyes open.”

Sorry I got those backwards.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morn...

My Uncle used to say: "when one door closes, another opens"

He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.

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If your uncle Jack was stuck on top of a horse..

..would you help your uncle jack off the horse?

My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison...

He's never going to finish his sentence.

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

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Mommy and Uncle Paul

"Hi honey, this is daddy.
Is mommy near the phone?”

A voice on the other end answers: “No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
The little girl quipped.

After a brief pause daddy says “But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do, and he is upsta...

My weird uncle came into show and tell with me when I was younger.

Worst funeral ever.

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot...

This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft musi...

I hate when people joke about 9/11, my uncle died there

He was the greatest pilot Saudi Arabia had seen in years

My uncle is a magician

he turned a bottle of whiskey into a case of domestic violence

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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

What's the difference between taxes and my uncle

At least my uncle takes me out to dinner

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

I just found out my uncle, who has a stammer, died in prison

I'm so upset. He didn't even finish his sentence

My uncle got thrown out of our local dog show

He entered a Labrador

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i just helped my uncle jack off a horse.

I just helped my Uncle Jack off a horse.

Capitalisation matters.

A joke from my uncle about two monkeys who were best friends...

I had two pet monkeys who were the best of friends, they did everything together. They went to the park together, they bathed together and even shared each others food.

One day i decided to nip to the shop to buy some milk, and upon my return i found that one monkey had fallen off the balcon...

What do you call it when you play hide and seek with your uncle?

Naked and Afraid

My Uncle

has 6 daughters and he's still looking for people to help him harvest on his farm. Such a waste of 6 hoes.

An uncle of mine used to throw a space heater into the pool to heat it up before he would go swimming during the colder months

Come to think of it, he only did it once

My uncle died from a turtle stampede

It was a slow death

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

My uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life."

He did a lot of drugs

My uncle, who is an army funeral director, almost became president of the United states.

Yes he was a barrack embalmer.

My uncle always told me, "The real treasure, was inside of you the whole time".

As kind as that sounds, he sold organs to the black market for a living.

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When I was a kid I remember a joke that went something like this: if your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof would you help your uncle Jack off?, I know not too funny! Well years later my then 8 year old son comes home from school and said he heard a joke, I said let’s hear it. And he said,..,

“If your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof would you help him down?” And then said he didn’t get it! I thought it was hilarious!

My uncle drowned in a vat of whisky

He bravely fought off his rescuers for hour befor he finally circummed.

He was then cremated and the fire lasted 3 days

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

I took my uncle's coffin to the wrong plot.

The groundskeeper told me I made a grave mistake.

My uncle was a circus clown . When he died everyone showed up.

In one car

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What’s the difference between Epic Games and my uncle?

My uncle doesn’t fuck everyone

I went fishing with my uncle

The only thing I caught was AIDS

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My Uncle just said to me, “All these mass shooting are happening because kids these days are so self entitled.”

I said, “Why? Because they want to keep all the bullets?”

Seriously, Fuck Him.

Whenever I get down or feel overwhelmed, I think back to my great uncle's final words to me from his deathbed, "be positive!"

That being said, I would have preferred he just answered the question I asked him about his blood type so we could have saved him.

My great uncle liked his little games.

For years it seemed like he had just disappeared without a trace. The entire family scoured the U.S. to track him down.

But I finally found his will. Pretty disappointing, actually. It was a dead giveaway.

My late uncle has left me a stately home in his will....

I haven't a clue where Sod hall is, but I'm sure it will be very grand....

I’ll never forget my uncles last words...

“Im not dead you idiots! Get me out of this cremator!”

My uncle died after having a telly get dropped on his head

On the plus side, the funeral had a great service and reception

Doctor killed my Uncle

Myl classic


Juan : I hate doctors, a doctor killed my uncle in Madrid.

Brown: That’s sad. What happened?

Juan: He went to a clinic for a heart checkup, the doctor said he was fine. 5 minutes later, he died on the road.

Brown: Wow.Heart attack?

Juan: No. Motorc...

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My favorite uncle told this joke about a week before he passed away. He did it with a thick Irish brogue.

A priest and a nun were talking and the priest said, “Sister, if you hadn’t been a nun what do think you would have been?” The nun thought for a minute and said, “If I hadn’t been a nun I probably would have been a prostitute.” The priest was shocked and said, “Now sister I don’t think I heard you q...

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My bird-lover geneticist uncle successfully crossbred a peacock with a yellow-bellied sapsucker, but they wouldn't let him name the new species.

They said the name he chose was too fowl.

I got to be the DJ at my uncle's wedding

Apparently, having "I Love Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo play ruined the mood for everybody.

My uncle was kicked in the chest by a horse

The doctors say he’s in a stable condition.

My uncle killed a monk in training

It was premeditated

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The difference between "helping your uncle Jack off a horse" and "helping your uncle jack off a horse"

isn't much; you'll be sexually molested in either case.

My uncle once killed in an entire circus troupe with one blow

When I asked him how he did it, he said:

“I went straight for the juggler”

I visited my uncle. He asked me to bring a duck from yard for dinner

I caught one, killed it and brought it to the kitchen. My uncle asked 'Did the duck quack before he died?'

'Yes,' I said , 'He quacked twice.'

'Do you know what he said?'

'No, why ask?'

'He said I'm goose! I'm goose!'

A friend and I were travelling through Alabama when a guy threatened to get his Dad, Uncle and Brother to beat us up.

We were relieved when we found out they were all the same person.

My uncle sells vaccuum cleaners for a living

His business sucks, but its picking up.

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During the family reunion, I was walking over to my uncle's table.

But as I neared him, I fell.

I found myself on my uncle's lap when he said,

"Trying to fuck with me?"

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I met my fiancee’s 85 year old great uncle the other day. A few minutes later he told me this joke.

Two friends, both ten years old, were hanging out after school one day. One of the kids turned to the other and asked “hey, do you know what a perfect penis looks like?” The kid said no and his friend looked disappointed.

Determined to find the answer for his friend, he rushes home to find t...

How can you differentiate male ants from female ants?

They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

I had an uncle who died playing Russian Roulette

He messed up though. He accidentally put six bullets in the chamber instead of one

My uncle has diabetes and alzheimers

I asked him where his feet were and he was stumped.

What's worse than ants in your pants ?

Uncles

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What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

My uncle tells this one all the time.

Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a pink elephant?
Person most likely answers: with a pink elephant gun.?
A: No! Hold it’s trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with the blue elephant gun.

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Turns out my uncle's birthday falls on the same day as my boyfriend's

Now I don't know who to celebrate it with, the one who took my virginity, or my boyfriend

My uncle told me I'm the favorite daughter of his brother

which is niece

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If you guys think it’s weird that guy in Cleveland kept 3 women in his basement as sex slaves, wait until you hear what my middle aged uncle Gordon kept in his basement...

An electric train

My uncle has the heart of a lion

He also has a lifetime ban at the zoo

My father was a conjoined twin so I called his brother ...

My uncle on my father's side.

But then they were surgically separated, so now he's my uncle once removed.

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

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My uncle died in a flood of kittens last week but I'm not sad.

It's how he said he always wanted to go. Drowning in pussy

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Dave was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywhere!

What does your racist uncle have in common with the Ebola virus?

They both make Thanksgiving dinner uncomfortable for everyone.

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish...

About a month before he died, my Uncle had his back covered in lard.

After that, he went downhill fast.

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A REALLY BAD JOKE

My uncle : Man I just found out my son is gay

Me : Man that blows LOL...Haha.. geddit?..blowjob??

My uncle : not really we prefer anal

Me : what?!

Gay uncle : what?

My uncle became a Christmas ornament...

He put a rope around his neck end hang himself onto a tree

My uncle in Washington started an Air Conditioning business.

it's called ac/dc

My uncle worked in Hollywood and told me how sad it was at Jim Henson’s funeral.

Kermit was speechless.

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

A boy asked his uncle, “why did you plant a walnut tree when I was born?”

“Well,” The uncle replied, “I figure you’d both take about 13 years to start nutting”

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My Uncle got pulled over by a motorcycle cop for going 25mph over the limit

The cop storms up to the drivers window and yells “GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDNT HAUL YOUR ASS TO JAIL RIGHT NOW!!” My uncle replies “Cause id look pretty stupid on the back of your bike.”

My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them.

I have an uncle, once removed.

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

My uncle told me this

2 hillbillies, Cletus and Bubba are talking in a bar. A lady at a table next to them starts choking. Cletus stands up and walks towards her. He asks her “Are you choking?” The woman nods. Cletus then kneels down and licks her rear. The woman was so surprised that she spit out the food. Cletus walked...

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A boy, his uncle, and a cat on a farm.

So, a father comes home to his son one day and says that they'll have to move for a while. He's going out on a business trip and his mother is in hospital for a car accident, so the child has to stay with his uncle for a while. His uncle is a farmer, and so the boy arrives on the farm. He's only all...

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A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

“What are you doing?” the man inquires.
“Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”
“Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little...

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Uncle Fritz

Jim and Joanne were finally going to tie the knot. They planned everything out, reserved the chapel and the reception hall, and wrote out their guest list. As they were finalizing the seating chart, Jim looked at Joanne and said, "Honey, I know you aren't going to like this, but we are going to have...

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I walked into my uncle’s bedroom and saw him giving a hooker $50 for anal

I barged in and yelled, “He pays you?!?!”

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Justice is served

So Donald Trump is finally found guilty for all of his high crimes and misdemeanors. The very fine people of New York have won the privilege to decide his fate. Before his many years in prison the city had declared that, The Donald be put in stocks and chains on display in the middle of 5th Avenue. ...

I had an Uncle Pete, he lived in Pennsylvania all his long life...

...although he was technically Jewish, he was really an atheist, but when he hit 85 he thought he should get religion in his life, in case there was a Heaven - I guess he wanted to hedge his bets.

Anyway, he goes to his Rabbi, who says "Peter, I don't want you picking Judaism because it's the...

Uncle Ben probably wouldn't have discouraged Peter from joining the Avengers

But his Aunt May

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

My overweight uncle spend months making a belt out of used pocket watches.

When he finished it, he realized it was a huge waist of time.

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I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

Why was the ant so confused?

Because all of his uncles were ants.

(Credit to my nine year old son)

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John had a mistress...

John had a mistress from another country. One day his mistress calls and tells John that she booked a flight and was coming to meet him and spend a day there.

John wakes up early in the next morning and tells his wife that his uncle had passed away. He needed to go to the airport and meet s...

My uncle always used to say "Fight fire with fire"

That's probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade

What's the difference between a good movie and my uncle?

Nothing. They both touch me.

My Italian uncle has recently been hit by a truck full of Mac&cheese

Sadly, he pasta way now

I want to die like my uncle.

Lighting a cigarette enjoying the cool summer breeze.
Not like the people around him yelling and screaming that he shouldn't do that while pumping his gas.

After my uncle died I came into some money...

Boy, was I happy! The bank teller, though, was horrified.

A hunt for a missing 6-year old boy ended after 10 hours when the child was found sleeping in the trunk of his uncle's car.

It was a kidnapping.

My uncle once got his DeLorean up to 88 mph, and ended up 30 years in the future.

That's how long he got for hitting all those people at the bus stop.

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My uncle was a shit ventriloquist

He kept putting his fist up my ass and told me not to say anything

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Why don’t ants have dicks?

Because then they would be uncles.

About a month before his death my uncle asked us to cover him in grease

He went downhill quite quickly after that.

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

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I went to visit my uncle in prison, and I managed to lock my keys in the car.

I said to one of the guards "Is there anyone in there who can get them out for me?" he said "leave it with me" 10 minutes later he comes out with Reggie cuffed to his arm, I say to Reggie "can you help me out?" He says "No problem", he kneels down, picks up a brick and throws it through my fucking w...

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My uncle was born without eyelids....

My uncle was born without eyelids but the doctor was pretty resourceful. He took his foreskin and made eyelids with it. My uncle is fine now, just a little cock eyed

All three of my uncles used to grow weed together

It was a joint effort.

Yesterday was my Irish Uncle second anniversary being sober.

Yeah he's been in a coma for 2 years.

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

My mom called me saying there were a couple of guys outside her home saying they have a plumbing fixture to drop off.

“They’re not trying to rob me?” she asked.

“No, it’s a gift from Uncle Bill to make up for all the mean things he did to you in the past.” I replied.

“Wait, after all these years, he’s actually trying to be nice to somebody? That’s an unexpected transformation! Our relationship might w...

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My 9 year old thinks we should name our new dog after her Uncle.

When we asked her why, "So when we tell people that Steve pooped in the garage, they'll think it was him!".



True story.

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