This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at the weekend a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the ...

Your Uncle Jack is Stuck On a Horse

Would you help your Uncle Jack off a horse?

My girlfriend keeps yelling out Uncle when we make love and it turns me off. But i cant judge her.

or ask for a better niece.

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

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I walked into my uncle’s bedroom and saw him giving a hooker $50 for anal

I barged in and yelled, “He pays you?!?!”

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Was 12, living with abusive aunt and uncle

We lived on an old farm. No animals, just fields.

Uncle goes to the market to buy a horse, ends up spending more than expected because it's bred from some old bloke's prized stallion.

Although expensive, aunt loves it. Because it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a fucked up li...

What is worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles!

Yesterday was my Irish Uncle second anniversary being sober.

Yeah he's been in a coma for 2 years.

My uncle once got his DeLorean up to 88 mph, and ended up 30 years in the future.

That's how long he got for hitting all those people at the bus stop.

I want to die like my uncle.

Lighting a cigarette enjoying the cool summer breeze.
Not like the people around him yelling and screaming that he shouldn't do that while pumping his gas.

My lights remind me of my uncle

Because I turned them both on

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish.

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish.

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A boy, his uncle, and a cat on a farm.

So, a father comes home to his son one day and says that they'll have to move for a while. He's going out on a business trip and his mother is in hospital for a car accident, so the child has to stay with his uncle for a while. His uncle is a farmer, and so the boy arrives on the farm. He's only all...

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish...

My uncle worked in Hollywood and told me how sad it was at Jim Henson’s funeral.

Kermit was speechless.

It’s like my uncle always said...

Stop squirmin’.

What's the difference between a good movie and my uncle?

Nothing. They both touch me.

About a month before his death my uncle asked us to cover him in grease

He went downhill quite quickly after that.

My uncle always used to say "Fight fire with fire"

That's probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade

Capital letters are the only thing between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse...

...and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

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My uncle was a terrible ventriloquist...

...used to put two fingers in my arse and tell me not to say a word.

My overweight uncle spend months making a belt out of used pocket watches.

When he finished it, he realized it was a huge waist of time.

Looking for feedback on a terribad joke I made up

Last night at 7:30 I went to my uncle's sixty second birthday party...

It was over by 7:31.

Just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out...

...must have been from my uncle Ben.

About a month before he died, we covered my uncle's back in grease and lard

He went downhill fast after that.

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My Uncle Jack is hosting an orgasm contest and the reward is a slice of pie.

It's first come first serve.

My uncle opened a clown themed restaurant.

It didn’t do very well though, customers kept saying the food tasted funny.

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My uncle was born without eyelids....

My uncle was born without eyelids but the doctor was pretty resourceful. He took his foreskin and made eyelids with it. My uncle is fine now, just a little cock eyed

My uncle spent a year in an African village while he was in the Peace Corp...

...when he arrived, he noticed there was some drumming noise coming from far away. He asked the Chief, who replied "Drums good. when drums stop, no good."
The next days, the drums continued. When my uncle asked if it was the same drums as yesterday, the chief replied "Drums good. when drum...

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9 months ago I had best sex in my life

Today I became an uncle.

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Little Johnny on his uncle Ted

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and ev...

I want to become millionaire like my uncle

He also want to become millionaire

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My uncle was a shit ventriloquist

He kept putting his fist up my ass and told me not to say anything

My uncle's chicken farm business didn't take off so he switched to ducks...

The it was all bills, bills, bills.

What do you call a cop in Italy?

A guinea pig.

OC per my crazy Italian Uncle. All mail should be directed to my ass.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

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My 9 year old thinks we should name our new dog after her Uncle.

When we asked her why, "So when we tell people that Steve pooped in the garage, they'll think it was him!".

​

True story.

My uncle has ordered the same American beer at the bar for 9 years now

I must say, that’s a commitment to the coors.

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I went to visit my uncle in prison, and I managed to lock my keys in the car.

I said to one of the guards "Is there anyone in there who can get them out for me?" he said "leave it with me" 10 minutes later he comes out with Reggie cuffed to his arm, I say to Reggie "can you help me out?" He says "No problem", he kneels down, picks up a brick and throws it through my fucking w...

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A lion was chasing Uncle in Africa

A Uncle was trying to impress his nephew

Uncle: You know, when I was traveling in African Savannah alone, I went close to a sleeping lion to photograph him.

Nephew: What happened next?

Uncle: The lion suddenly wakes up, and start chasing me.

Nephew: Wow, what happened ...

Every family reunion we would see our uncle who we called “caveman” we called him that because he was big and hairy and every now and then he would eat one of us

Then we found out he was a bear

All three of my uncles used to grow weed together

It was a joint effort.

Stranger: Good morning, Doctor. I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.

Doctor: But you’re not one of my patients

Stranger: I know. But my Uncle Bill was, and I’m his heir.

Let me tell you about my Uncle Ernest. He drank furniture polish and died.

It’s a sad story with a beautiful finish.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw my first porno last night.

I looked so much younger back when it was filmed.

So did my uncle.

Every time I visit my Uncle’s farm I think the sheep are pointing and laughing at me when I’m not looking..

Are ewe kidding me

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

My uncle died on the oregon trail

We buried him in cholerado

My uncle is with the FBI

They caught him in Cleveland

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What's the difference between my uncle and EA?

When I get dicked deep by EA my parents believe me....

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What do you say to your uncle Ted who is an asshole and has issues with drugs?

You're a dick Ted.

After trying many medications, my uncle learned he is only happy when his wife is miserable

He now only takes auntie depressants.

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Uncle jokes, Dad jokes, same thing.

I went over to my aunt and uncle’s house for dinner. While cooking, my cousin and I discover that we both are redditors. She says to me, “Hey did you see this post on AskReddit?”

My uncle quickly yells from the other room, “I wish someone would give me some Ass Credit!”

They say absolute wisdom.comes just before death. In the words of my late uncle,

"Watch this!"

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

Why cant the uncle touch his knees anymore?

His father filed a restraining order after what he did to his nephew.

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

My uncle decided to get involved in a sport as his health was failing.

But he took up bobsleigh and went downhill rapidly

My uncle was kicked by a horse the other day

He's in stable condition.

Your drunk uncle

At 10 years old, you laugh at your drunk uncle

At 16, you are embarrassed by your drunk uncle

At 25, you are drunk with your uncle

At 40 *you* are the drunk uncle.

[Tasteless] Lost my great uncle in the Holocaust

Dumbass fell off the guard tower.

My uncle complained to me that I never visited him and that the next time I saw him he would be in a coffin.

Jokes on him.

He was in an urn.

I remember what my uncle used to say

There we were. Three against a thousand.

Toughest three we ever fought

My 85-year-old uncle went for his regular annual check-up...

and doctor asked him how he was feeling. “Feeling great doc, just got married to a 22-year-old girl.” The doctor was somewhat amused and said, “In 15 years you’d be 100 and she 37, don’t you think could cause problems?” “Not at all doc, when a man really loves a woman he doesn’t mind if she gets old...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After a long emotional struggle, my three feet tall uncle finally announced that he is gay.

I’m glad that he decided to come out of the cabinet.

Clear and concise writing can mean the difference between "I helped my uncle jack off a horse"...

and "I spent my summer working on the family's husbandry ranch."

Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus...

...who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their row boat.

After a while Mick says, 'Do...

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

Punctuation and grammar makes all the difference

Proper punctuation and grammar is the difference between “helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse” and “helping your uncle jack off a horse”.

My friend got a motorbike jacket gifted from his uncle

Along with his organs

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

My uncle drowned in a vat of beer...

That said, he did get out three times to pee...

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A kid was in court for an adoption meeting he was being beaten by his parents, the judge says do you want to live with aunty mary? boy replies no she beats me as well, judge says what about uncle henry? boy again says no, judge says who do you want to live with then? boy replies Manchester United..

They can't beat any fucking one...

But Honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul

(Phone rings)

*Pick up*

(Little girl) : “Hello”

“Hi Honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy, she’s upstairs in the room with Uncle Paul”

After a brief pause, Daddy says “But Honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul”.

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upst...

My body-building Italian uncle died....

He pasta whey.

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Do ants have dicks?

No.

Cuz then they would be uncles.

After a long struggle, my uncle finally came out of the closet.

He has Alzheimer’s, and thought it was his truck.

My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!"

He did heroin

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Uncle Bob was a paratrooper

Uncle Bob used to love telling stories about his time in the Army. Once he told me about his first time parachuting out of an Army plane.

"I was the last one in line to jump out of the plane, and let me tell you I was scared shitless boy. I got to the door, but refused to jump. The sarge chew...

My uncle always hated eating mushrooms...

...but now that he's dead, they're beginning to grow on him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My uncle told me this joke after coming from a trip from Mexico.

A man went on vacation to Mexico. He went to a restaurant and while eating saw a plate with two huge meat balls on it, he called over the waitress and asked "what is that dish you just served." And the waitress said "that is bull testicles, everyday we have 1 bull fight, if you want to eat it you ha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My uncle was caught having sex with sheep at a petting zoo and he just escaped from prison.

Now he’s on the lam

A joke from my Filipino uncle...

It is common in the Philippines for families to live in one-bedroom homes.

One night a couple wanted to make love, and so they had their child look the window. As the couple made love, the child continued to look out the window without turning around.

When the couple was done, the fath...

My uncle is a well known organ player.

They even have his picture up at the playground warning parents to keep their kids away from him.

My Uncle said he didn't need to breathe for the rest of his life. I said that it was impossible, he proved me wrong.

He stopped breathing for 10 minutes and died. I owe him 20$.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My uncle always used to say, “Spare the rod, spoil the child!”

And then he’d fuck me in the ass.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Uncles are like burritos

The bad ones hurt your asshole

My uncle fell into a vat of curry at work

He was in a korma for months.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fly in the beer

*this was my (very Irish) great uncle’s go-to joke. RIP Uncle Ed*

An Italian, a Russian, and an Irishman walk into a bar and ask the bartender for a beer. Just after the bartender sets down their drinks, three flies buzz through the air and PLINK! PLINK! PLINK! a fly drops into each drink....

My uncle started a cult,

...And married twenty women. People are telling me it’s a terrible situation, but I think there’s a lot of nuance.