My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison...

He's never going to finish his sentence.

My uncle prayed to God to solve all his family's problems

God answered his prayers.

My uncle's funeral is next week.

My uncle was crushed by a piano....

His funeral was very low key

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Please keep my uncle in your thoughts and prayers

We just found out he’s addicted to Viagra.

My Aunt has been taking it pretty hard.

My uncle's joke he just came up with: What are chocolate's preferred pronouns?

Her, She

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I helped my uncle jack off a horse

My uncle jack is really heavy, so it was hard to get him off of the horse

At my cousin's birthday party, I held up a photo of my uncle and said "It's amazing how you look just like your father did at 40!"

That's the last quinceañera I get invited to.

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication

It's for Hispanic attacks

My uncle bought a piano from Nigeria.

So he brings it home and hires a guy to come tune it. The piano tuner struggles with it and after five minutes says, “Lemme guess... West African piano?”

“Yeah, how did you know?” my uncle responds.

“Well, West African pianos are notoriously hard to tune,” he says, “not like North Afri...

After getting punched for making a racist comment at our last family gathering, my uncle won't be attending the next one because

black eyes matter.

I'll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed

"I am your Father"

Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end.

My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants.

I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”

My uncle was never good at throwing stuff away

He died from a hand grenade

My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver

To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!

A boy asks his Uncle: "Oh Uncle! How did you break your legs?!"

The Uncle replies: *You see those stairs going downwards?*

Boy: *Yeah*

Uncle: *I didn't*

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My Uncle used to say, to get what you want, you need to be frank with people. If that doesn't work, don't be afraid to get curt with them. If that's still not working, try showing them your dick.

Show them your impression of Dick Nixon, Everybody loves a good impression

Me:I want to become a millionare like my uncle

My friend:Your uncle is a millionare?
Me:No he wants to become one to

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When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

My uncle Jim is getting older, and he’s having trouble with his memory

So he went to his doctor, and he started taking these pills to help his memory.

“Hey Uncle Jim,” I said, “what are those memory pills you’re taking called?”

“Ahhhh...um....hmmm” he took a second,

“Hmmmm...hold on let me think ermmmm.....it’s....daisy? No that’s not it....it’s ...

My Uncle says that if you do something you love then you'll never work a day in your life

as he rolled yet another joint.

My uncle used to circumcise elephants. The pay was terrible, but...

The tips were massive.

RIP uncle

My great uncle passed away last year when we couldn’t remember his blood type in time for him to get a blood transfusion that would save his life.





...

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

My uncle recently and suddenly decided to leave his lucrative position at a local bank...

Because he lost interest

Colorblind uncle

My colorblind uncle was feeling down so I gave him encouragement by saying “don’t worry the grass is always grayer on the other side”

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A wedding in Galway was rudely interrupted by the drunk uncle Patrick as he went up the stage and announced...

"The wedding is off. We're out of food. We're out of booze. And somebody fucked the bride."

The guests were in shock.

About 5 mins later, uncle Patrick got back on the stage and announced, "Sorry about that. The wedding is back on. Laura made us some sandwiches. Connor brought some wh...

My Uncle John's Bathroom Reader calendar has these jokes from Philogelos ("Love of Laughter"), the oldest surviving joke book, dating back to the 4th century AD. They held up surprisingly well.

* A cheapskate wrote his will and named himself as the heir.
* An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had departed, the intellectual replied, "When he arrives back, tell him that I stopped by."
* An envious landlord saw how happy hi...

My uncle picked me up from school during recess today!

My mom never told me about him, but it's nice to finally meet him!

When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug

His last wish was to be Frank in Stein

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Old joke my uncle likes to tell: There’s a policeman hanging around outside a bar near closing time to catch any drunk drivers…

As the bar closes for the night, he sees a man come out who looks extremely wasted. The man stumbles all over the place, drops his keys, and has trouble finding his car. As the cop is watching him stumble around, all of the other patrons get in their vehicles and leave. The man finally gets in his c...

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My Mother Vs. My Uncle

My Uncle has a cat and we own two daschounds and this is the conversation that went off over the phone:

Uncle: "Listen I dont want your dogs to come over because my cat will scratch them."

Mum: "Listen Alister, I'll tell you what..."

Uncle: " What?"

Mum: "Your pussy is n...

I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant

He said: it’s naan of your business

My uncle's death was predicted, he was told the exact day, and the exact time he would die. It happened as predicted.

The judge told him.

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I'll never forget the last words my uncle said to me before he passed...

"Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife

A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve."

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice cal...

My uncle is like a good love story

Very touching

Every birthday, my uncle Guiseppe used to cook me a meal

He'd say, "That was the pasta, this is the present."

My uncle just died.

He fell into a vat of polish at the furniture factory.
It was a terrible end but a lovely finish.

My uncle is a bus driver that circles Big Ben in London ...

he works around the clock.

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My uncle just saw his “wanted” picture at the courthouse and was pissed

Because he was framed

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We thought jerry was a good uncle...

Till he fucked his niece, He’s a great uncle now

I once had an uncle who fell off the roof of a castle.

He didn’t die, though. He got de-moat-ed.

an old arabic joke my uncle told me

a dumb guy fell down and hurt his back badly, he had to go to the hospital

the doctor told him: "just take this cream and apply it to the area of injury"

he went home and rubbed the cream on the staircase.

Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers.

But his aunt May.

My uncle Rob died at the height of ecstasy, in one of those seedy hotels, when the ceiling mirror fell on him

Sad to die alone like that.

What’s the similarity between skid marks and my uncle?

you can find both in my boxers

The Don of the local Mafia’s phone rang

It was his favorite nephew.

“Uncle, the cops are closing in on me. I’m going to be arrested.”

“Thank you for telling me,” said the Don, “Be a good Sicilian don’t talk until our lawyer gets there.”

“What if they beat me?

“Don’t worry, it’s easy not to talk. Just sit on yo...

My uncle's favorite joke.

A man with a wooden eye was always nervous asking girls to dance. He was always scared they would find his wooden eye too scary and say no. But he saw a pretty girl with a harelip across the dance floor and mustered up the courage to ask her to dance. Once he asked, she was ecstatic and couldn't bel...

My uncle was a ventriloquist dummy. He died drinking furniture polish.

It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

My Uncle did a magic trick today.

He turned a six pack of beer into domestic home violence.

My uncle Hans (a hotdog lover) has been very ill recently. Last night, craving a hotdog, he went on a drive to the nearest hotdog stand. Sadly, as he was driving, he became even more unwell...

...he took a turn for the wurst.

My father was a conjoined twin. We called his brother my uncle on my father's side.

But since the operation, now he's my uncle once removed.

My uncle got addicted to deli meat

But I heard he quit cold turkey.

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

If there's an Antartica, why isn't there an Uncle Artica

7 year old daughter just gave this to me as a joke and seriously cracked me up.

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My Uncle invited me to a Benefit next weekend celebrating women without legs.

Said the place would be crawling with pussy.

What happens when your uncle’s wife tells you a joke?

It becomes an anti-joke.

What's worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

My dad had an ischemic stroke, and my uncle had a hemorrhagic stroke

You know what they say: different strokes for different folks!

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Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning…

and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!"

Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats."

Oh...

30 years ago my uncle stole my nose, and he hasn’t given it back.

-Lord Voldemort

I'm trying to get my aunt and uncle to buy a donkey...

But I don't wanna be an ass

Just been told my uncle tragically died at the brewery. He fell into a vat and drowned.

I don't think he suffered too much though, because he managed to get out twice to pee.

What's the similarity between my uncle and sharks?

The both prey on schools

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

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I still remember what my uncle said right before the toilet broke...

"SHIT!"

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

My dyslexic uncle ruined Christmas...

He warped all the presents

My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer.

Hans is literally the wurst.

Simon was in a car crash with his uncle.....

Sadly his uncle died, but Simon was saved
but lost both his legs. The surgeon was able to sew his uncle's legs to his body. When he was recovered he decided to pursue his love
of music and performed in the local pub as Simon and Halfuncle.

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Well,would you?

If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?

Made up an absolutely horrible joke this morning. It needs work tough like my lazy uncle Mike.

I got in a fight with my Girlfriend this morning because I forgot to cut up her breakfast for her. She just go home from the hospital cause last week she was in a horrible car accident she lost an arm, broke her leg and is going to be in a wheel chair for the foreseeable future to be honest I'm jus...

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

My uncle and I used to play Cave Explorer

I kept telling him that there is no playable character in Cave Explorer but he always insisted that there is the explorer and the explored.

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What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

A regular family dinner

Son: Mama, I saw Papa in the maids bedroom today

Pa: H-Hey now you just be quiet and eat your dinner son

Ma: Go on son...

Son: Papa took off his clothes and the maid did the same!!!

Pa: Now listen here you lying little sh--

Ma: Finish the story Son!

Son: The...

What's the opposite of a croissant?

A happy uncle.

My uncle stopped smoking because of coronavirus

RIP uncle Jim.

So I’ve been trying to get my niece to call me her favorite uncle

Every time I visit my brothers house, I say hi to everyone and when I get to my niece I always say “who’s your favorite uncle?” And then point to myself.

It took a while but it finally paid off.

Today when I visited, I said “who’s your favorite uncle?” And with biggest grin on her fa...

Wholesome Prison joke from my uncle’s dad

So there are a group of men serving simultaneous life sentences in prison. They’ve served 20 years together already and over all those years to fill the time they told each other jokes. These jokes they’ve loved so much and were told so many times; that they have been able to tell them by numbers al...

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Two kids are watching their parents get ready for a family get together…

They overhear the mom and dad talking and they hear them say “that judgy cunt and pompous asshole” while the parents are talking in their bedroom. They ask, what does judgy cunt and pompous asshole mean? The mom, surprised and unaware to their presence, says, “oh never mind that sweethearts, that’s ...

My Uncle’s Joke: There was an old man who, years ago, worked for an international hauling company

He had worked there for many, many years and decided that the time had come for him to retire. He asked to be put on one last job for old times sake and the company obliged. They sent him on the longest route in the companies history, going from the UK to South Africa. After weeks and weeks on the r...

The two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis, who played Gollum. But did you know that...

...Bilbo’s great great half uncle was a troll, and Gollum’s second cousin once removed was a troll.

They’re the troll kin white guys.

My uncle would eat crickets on a bet

My uncle would eat crickets and night crawlers on a bet.

Someone once asked him how they tasted. His reply:

Well, they’re pretty bitter. But then, I guess I would be, too

A joke from a lawyer uncle

How can you tell that a victim of a hit-and-run was a lawyer?

If it was a lawyer, the body will have 2 sets of skid marks from when the driver backed up and hit him again.

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I asked my uncle the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal thermometer...

He said the taste

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NSFW? This may be a old one. I have not seen my uncle for 5 months.

When I saw him, he told me “researchers have discovered why people were hoarding all the toilet paper. It was due to whenever someone sneezed or coughed, 10 other people shit their pants.”

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Little Johnny is visiting his uncle Fred the farmer...

Johnny came running in from the field one day frantically shouting “UNCLE FRED! UNCLE FRED! THE BULL IS FUCKING THE COW!!”

Fred of course found this information useful but told Johnny “thank you for tell me, but maybe instead of telling me the bull is fucking the cow, just tell me he’s SURPRI...

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I caught my uncle paying prostitute for sex, i was shocked

Never knew people get paid for sex.

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I tried translating a Norwegian joke I heard from my uncle

Two northeners , Martinus and Bjørnar are camping together in the winter... They spend a lot of time together and then they go to bed in their sleeping bags..

They lie there for a while before Martinus says to Bjørnar: "Are you jerking off?" Bjørnar replies: "No I am not"

He says again...

My uncle accidentally fell into a vat of lacquer.

He didn't have a good life, but he had a beautiful finish.

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his blonde brother and told him, 'Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and then send me the bill.'

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But when the $200.00 bills kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

'Well,' sa...

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers.

One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, "What is three plus four?" The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, "Seven." The uncle said, "Listen kid, you can't count ...

My uncle got an award for not wearing a mask.

The Darwin Award.

One day, Johnny comes home from school and asks his mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

"The stork brought you here," says the mother.

"And how were my brother Joel and my sister Emily born?"

"The stork brought them, too."

"And how were you born?"

"The stork also brought me."

"Did the stork also bring Uncle George and Aunt Ruth and Cousin Evan and Cou...

You know that show naked and afraid? It remind me of a game I played with my uncle.

It’s a joke! I know it’s dark. Sorry.

A salesperson calls a home and the phone is answered by a softly spoken little girl, so quiet she’s hard to hear.

“Hello little girl, can I speak with your mommy?”
“No. She’s busy”.

“Sorry? Did you say she’s busy? Well could I speak with your daddy?”
“No. He’s busy too”.

“Is there anyone else there?”
“Yes, my aunty and uncle”.
“Could I speak with one of them?”
“No. They’re...

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways.

He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus ...

My uncle is such a great businessman that he made $6 million in profits this year

He works in a non-profit organization

Did you hear they are changing the Uncle Ben’s Logo?

Everyone thought it was ricest.

One day while returning from school a 8 year old child ...

One day while returning from school a 8 year old child met a Saint and had a conversation with him.

The Saint became so happy with the child that he gave him a magic sentence which will fulfill all his wishes.

"I know everything"

However, he warned him to not use the Sentence m...

My uncle told me this joke over the phone last night.

My dad was fired from the keyboard factory last week.
Apparently he was not putting in enough shifts.

My Korean girlfriend makes some cute mistakes when speaking English. For example:

"Fishing stick" instead of "Fishing rod"

"Tropical tree" instead of "Palm tree"

"Ant-licker" instead of "Uncle"

I dispute those studies that claim people often die from smoking.

My uncle smoked, and he only died once.

I gave my late uncles widow a watch for her birthday.

Now shes just my uncles widow.

My uncle got rich the American way

He tripped over things and sued people.

What type of tea does Uncle Sam drink.

Liberty.

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My uncle is an archeologist..

He was doing some work in Egypt and came across an ancient tampon. Picked it up, examined it closely and said - I have no idea what period this is from.

My uncle had car accident...

He cracked his ribs, broke left leg and got his front teeth smashed in the accident.

He was in a hospital for couple of weeks and during rounds he would always offer his doctor some hazelnuts.

Doctor liked him and would engage in friendly chat and chew some hazelnuts. After some days d...

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.

Boy after that he went down hill fast.

I have an uncle who's ambidextrous, but prefers to use his right hand

The only thing he does left is write.

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Irishman Without A Job

My uncle is an old Irishman and retired sheriff for the county. To pass the time during retirement, Uncle Bob has been working with a staffing organization for years. It’s an Irish organization that helps people of Irish descent find work.

One day, Bob gets a call from a young man named Geral...

So I was staying at my uncles...

SO THIS IS A REAL STORY

My nephew, “mommy you’re kind of fat.”

My uncle, “no she’s not son she’s just big boned.”

My nephews expression immediately drops,

“Daddy is she okay?”

“Yeah why wouldn’t she be?”

“Why do her bones jiggle?”

Boys will be Boys

I reached home late and dad asked me: "Where were you?"
Me:"Was in friend's house."
In front of me, dad called 10 of my friends.
4 of them said: "Yes, uncle he was here".
2 said: " he just left, uncle".
3 of them said: "he is here only uncle, studying. Shall I give him the phone?"
...

Uncle Ben has died.

That’s it, no more Mr. Rice Guy!

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I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

My uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he kept fighting them off and drowned. We had him cremated...

he burned for three days.

Uncle Ben

A true credit to his rice

My uncle went to prison for stealing a board game

He got life.

After his rich uncle's death, he was very anxious about his uncle fortune.

"Am I mentioned in the will?" he asked repeatedly.

"Of course you are," replied the solicitor.

Right here in the second page your uncle says:

"To my niece Sally, I bequeath $123,000; to my cousin Thomas, $55,000; and to my nephew Ricky, who was always asking too know if he's me...

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

My uncle always inspired me because he used to do what he loved.

Me.

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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter!

She's my Japaniece.

Edit: guys, I see my mistake.

Shiiit. Well imma leave now.

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What does my uncle and a gastroenterologist have in common?

Both shoved foreign objects up my ass after drugging me.

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