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A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hidin...

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

My uncle used to be on a SWAT team, but they kicked him off for some reason.

I don't know why though, he got twenty assists in one hostage mission.

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When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morn...

My uncle has diabetes and alzheimers

I asked him where his feet were and he was stumped.

What is worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

I’ll never forget my uncles last words...

“Im not dead you idiots! Get me out of this cremator!”

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If you don’t think capitalization is important

Try writing this sentence without it - I had to help my Uncle Jack off a horse.

My uncle sells vaccuum cleaners for a living

His business sucks, but its picking up.

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If your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof...

Would you help your uncle Jack off?

My uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life."

He did a lot of drugs

I went fishing with my uncle

The only thing I caught was AIDS

A friend and I were travelling through Alabama when a guy threatened to get his Dad, Uncle and Brother to beat us up.

We were relieved when we found out they were all the same person.

My uncle told me I'm the favorite daughter of his brother

which is niece

About a month before he died, my Uncle had his back covered in lard.

After that, he went downhill fast.

My uncle has the heart of a lion

He also has a lifetime ban at the zoo

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish...

My uncle tells this one all the time.

Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a pink elephant?
Person most likely answers: with a pink elephant gun.?
A: No! Hold it’s trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with the blue elephant gun.

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During the family reunion, I was walking over to my uncle's table.

But as I neared him, I fell.

I found myself on my uncle's lap when he said,

"Trying to fuck with me?"

My uncle once started a race with my dad to see who could have a son called James first. Since my name is James,

That means my parents came first.

Little Billy came home from school...

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the ai...

Uncle Fritz

Jim and Joanne were finally going to tie the knot. They planned everything out, reserved the chapel and the reception hall, and wrote out their guest list. As they were finalizing the seating chart, Jim looked at Joanne and said, "Honey, I know you aren't going to like this, but we are going to have...

What does your racist uncle have in common with the Ebola virus?

They both make Thanksgiving dinner uncomfortable for everyone.

My Italian uncle has recently been hit by a truck full of Mac&cheese

Sadly, he pasta way now

My uncle became a Christmas ornament...

He put a rope around his neck end hang himself onto a tree

My uncle told me he was a failed experiment with chloroform

Whenever he releases gas everyone around passes out

A boy asked his uncle, “why did you plant a walnut tree when I was born?”

“Well,” The uncle replied, “I figure you’d both take about 13 years to start nutting”

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My Uncle got pulled over by a motorcycle cop for going 25mph over the limit

The cop storms up to the drivers window and yells “GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDNT HAUL YOUR ASS TO JAIL RIGHT NOW!!” My uncle replies “Cause id look pretty stupid on the back of your bike.”

My uncle told me this

2 hillbillies, Cletus and Bubba are talking in a bar. A lady at a table next to them starts choking. Cletus stands up and walks towards her. He asks her “Are you choking?” The woman nods. Cletus then kneels down and licks her rear. The woman was so surprised that she spit out the food. Cletus walked...

Uncle Ben probably wouldn't have discouraged Peter from joining the Avengers

But his Aunt May

After my uncle died I came into some money...

Boy, was I happy! The bank teller, though, was horrified.

My uncle worked in Hollywood and told me how sad it was at Jim Henson’s funeral.

Kermit was speechless.

I want to die like my uncle.

Lighting a cigarette enjoying the cool summer breeze.
Not like the people around him yelling and screaming that he shouldn't do that while pumping his gas.

A hunt for a missing 6-year old boy ended after 10 hours when the child was found sleeping in the trunk of his uncle's car.

It was a kidnapping.

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Turns out my uncle's birthday falls on the same day as my boyfriend's

Now I don't know who to celebrate it with, the one who took my virginity, or my boyfriend

Why did Uncle Sam get a divorce?

His wife was Auntie America.

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish.

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish.

Yesterday was my Irish Uncle second anniversary being sober.

Yeah he's been in a coma for 2 years.

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A boy, his uncle, and a cat on a farm.

So, a father comes home to his son one day and says that they'll have to move for a while. He's going out on a business trip and his mother is in hospital for a car accident, so the child has to stay with his uncle for a while. His uncle is a farmer, and so the boy arrives on the farm. He's only all...

My overweight uncle spend months making a belt out of used pocket watches.

When he finished it, he realized it was a huge waist of time.

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What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

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Capital letters are the only thing between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse...

...and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

My uncle once got his DeLorean up to 88 mph, and ended up 30 years in the future.

That's how long he got for hitting all those people at the bus stop.

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I walked into my uncle’s bedroom and saw him giving a hooker $50 for anal

I barged in and yelled, “He pays you?!?!”

My uncle always used to say "Fight fire with fire"

That's probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade

About a month before his death my uncle asked us to cover him in grease

He went downhill quite quickly after that.

My lights remind me of my uncle

Because I turned them both on

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

What's the difference between a good movie and my uncle?

Nothing. They both touch me.

Looking for feedback on a terribad joke I made up

Last night at 7:30 I went to my uncle's sixty second birthday party...

It was over by 7:31.

My uncle died because he put on too much weight.

Doctors said it was the worst bench press accident they’d ever seen.

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My uncle was a shit ventriloquist

He kept putting his fist up my ass and told me not to say anything

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9 months ago I had best sex in my life

Today I became an uncle.

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I went to visit my uncle in prison, and I managed to lock my keys in the car.

I said to one of the guards "Is there anyone in there who can get them out for me?" he said "leave it with me" 10 minutes later he comes out with Reggie cuffed to his arm, I say to Reggie "can you help me out?" He says "No problem", he kneels down, picks up a brick and throws it through my fucking w...

All three of my uncles used to grow weed together

It was a joint effort.

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My uncle was a terrible ventriloquist...

...used to put two fingers in my arse and tell me not to say a word.

My uncle opened a clown themed restaurant.

It didn’t do very well though, customers kept saying the food tasted funny.

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My 9 year old thinks we should name our new dog after her Uncle.

When we asked her why, "So when we tell people that Steve pooped in the garage, they'll think it was him!".



True story.

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My uncle was born without eyelids....

My uncle was born without eyelids but the doctor was pretty resourceful. He took his foreskin and made eyelids with it. My uncle is fine now, just a little cock eyed

My uncle spent a year in an African village while he was in the Peace Corp...

...when he arrived, he noticed there was some drumming noise coming from far away. He asked the Chief, who replied "Drums good. when drums stop, no good."
The next days, the drums continued. When my uncle asked if it was the same drums as yesterday, the chief replied "Drums good. when drum...

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A lion was chasing Uncle in Africa

A Uncle was trying to impress his nephew

Uncle: You know, when I was traveling in African Savannah alone, I went close to a sleeping lion to photograph him.

Nephew: What happened next?

Uncle: The lion suddenly wakes up, and start chasing me.

Nephew: Wow, what happened ...

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I saw my first porno last night.

I looked so much younger back when it was filmed.

So did my uncle.

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

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I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

Every family reunion we would see our uncle who we called “caveman” we called him that because he was big and hairy and every now and then he would eat one of us

Then we found out he was a bear

Let me tell you about my Uncle Ernest. He drank furniture polish and died.

It’s a sad story with a beautiful finish.

I want to become millionaire like my uncle

He also want to become millionaire

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

My uncle's chicken farm business didn't take off so he switched to ducks...

The it was all bills, bills, bills.

My uncle has ordered the same American beer at the bar for 9 years now

I must say, that’s a commitment to the coors.

Every time I visit my Uncle’s farm I think the sheep are pointing and laughing at me when I’m not looking..

Are ewe kidding me

Stranger: Good morning, Doctor. I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.

Doctor: But you’re not one of my patients

Stranger: I know. But my Uncle Bill was, and I’m his heir.

Your drunk uncle

At 10 years old, you laugh at your drunk uncle

At 16, you are embarrassed by your drunk uncle

At 25, you are drunk with your uncle

At 40 *you* are the drunk uncle.

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

After trying many medications, my uncle learned he is only happy when his wife is miserable

He now only takes auntie depressants.

Why cant the uncle touch his knees anymore?

His father filed a restraining order after what he did to his nephew.

My uncle was kicked by a horse the other day

He's in stable condition.

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What do you say to your uncle Ted who is an asshole and has issues with drugs?

You're a dick Ted.

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Uncle jokes, Dad jokes, same thing.

I went over to my aunt and uncle’s house for dinner. While cooking, my cousin and I discover that we both are redditors. She says to me, “Hey did you see this post on AskReddit?”

My uncle quickly yells from the other room, “I wish someone would give me some Ass Credit!”

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