My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison...

He's never going to finish his sentence.

My uncle was crushed by a piano....

His funeral was very low key

My uncle prayed to God to solve all his family's problems

God answered his prayers.

My uncle's funeral is next week.

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Please keep my uncle in your thoughts and prayers

We just found out he’s addicted to Viagra.

My Aunt has been taking it pretty hard.

My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication

It's for Hispanic attacks

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I helped my uncle jack off a horse

My uncle jack is really heavy, so it was hard to get him off of the horse

At my cousin's birthday party, I held up a photo of my uncle and said "It's amazing how you look just like your father did at 40!"

That's the last quinceañera I get invited to.

A boy asks his Uncle: "Oh Uncle! How did you break your legs?!"

The Uncle replies: *You see those stairs going downwards?*

Boy: *Yeah*

Uncle: *I didn't*

After getting punched for making a racist comment at our last family gathering, my uncle won't be attending the next one because

black eyes matter.

I'll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed

"I am your Father"

Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end.

My uncle used to circumcise elephants. The pay was terrible, but...

The tips were massive.

My uncle was never good at throwing stuff away

He died from a hand grenade

My uncle's joke he just came up with: What are chocolate's preferred pronouns?

Her, She

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I'll never forget the last words my uncle said to me before he passed...

"Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

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My Uncle used to say, to get what you want, you need to be frank with people. If that doesn't work, don't be afraid to get curt with them. If that's still not working, try showing them your dick.

Show them your impression of Dick Nixon, Everybody loves a good impression

My uncle's death was predicted, he was told the exact day, and the exact time he would die. It happened as predicted.

The judge told him.

My uncle swore to me that if i wanted to attract girls, I mean REALLY draw in the chicks, I should roll up a sock and put it in my pants.

I did this at a high school dance, and I when I got home, he asked me if I tried it and did it work. I told him it did not help at all, and only made things worse. He looked down and said, “Well you were supposed to put it in the FRONT!”

I wanted to invest some money into my uncle’s Indian restaurant

He said: it’s naan of your business

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My Mother Vs. My Uncle

My Uncle has a cat and we own two daschounds and this is the conversation that went off over the phone:

Uncle: "Listen I dont want your dogs to come over because my cat will scratch them."

Mum: "Listen Alister, I'll tell you what..."

Uncle: " What?"

Mum: "Your pussy is n...

RIP uncle

My great uncle passed away last year when we couldn’t remember his blood type in time for him to get a blood transfusion that would save his life.





...

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When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

My uncle just died.

He fell into a vat of polish at the furniture factory.
It was a terrible end but a lovely finish.

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Old joke my uncle likes to tell: There’s a policeman hanging around outside a bar near closing time to catch any drunk drivers…

As the bar closes for the night, he sees a man come out who looks extremely wasted. The man stumbles all over the place, drops his keys, and has trouble finding his car. As the cop is watching him stumble around, all of the other patrons get in their vehicles and leave. The man finally gets in his c...

Me:I want to become a millionare like my uncle

My friend:Your uncle is a millionare?
Me:No he wants to become one to

My uncle always said , "Do something you love, and you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin.

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My uncle just saw his “wanted” picture at the courthouse and was pissed

Because he was framed

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We thought jerry was a good uncle...

Till he fucked his niece, He’s a great uncle now

My uncle is like a good love story

Very touching

My uncle Hans (a hotdog lover) has been very ill recently. Last night, craving a hotdog, he went on a drive to the nearest hotdog stand. Sadly, as he was driving, he became even more unwell...

...he took a turn for the wurst.

My father was a conjoined twin. We called his brother my uncle on my father's side.

But since the operation, now he's my uncle once removed.

I once had an uncle who fell off the roof of a castle.

He didn’t die, though. He got de-moat-ed.

Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers.

But his aunt May.

My uncle Rob died at the height of ecstasy, in one of those seedy hotels, when the ceiling mirror fell on him

Sad to die alone like that.

My uncle is a bus driver that circles Big Ben in London ...

he works around the clock.

A joke my late great uncle told me once

(Info for the joke: Lula, who was a president of Brazil dont have the little finger)

He said: Do you know why Lula doesn't have this finger? (Points to his little finger)

And I: No, why?

He: Because this one is mine

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

My uncle was a ventriloquist dummy. He died drinking furniture polish.

It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.

My Uncle did a magic trick today.

He turned a six pack of beer into domestic home violence.

an old arabic joke my uncle told me

a dumb guy fell down and hurt his back badly, he had to go to the hospital

the doctor told him: "just take this cream and apply it to the area of injury"

he went home and rubbed the cream on the staircase.

My uncle got addicted to deli meat

But I heard he quit cold turkey.

My dyslexic uncle ruined Christmas...

He warped all the presents

If there's an Antartica, why isn't there an Uncle Artica

7 year old daughter just gave this to me as a joke and seriously cracked me up.

My uncle woke up mid-surgery

Thankfully the patient was still sleeping

My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer.

Hans is literally the wurst.

I want to die like my uncle, peaceful in his sleep...

...and not like his co-driver.

What happens when your uncle’s wife tells you a joke?

It becomes an anti-joke.

Simon was in a car crash with his uncle.....

Sadly his uncle died, but Simon was saved
but lost both his legs. The surgeon was able to sew his uncle's legs to his body. When he was recovered he decided to pursue his love
of music and performed in the local pub as Simon and Halfuncle.

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My Uncle invited me to a Benefit next weekend celebrating women without legs.

Said the place would be crawling with pussy.

What’s the similarity between skid marks and my uncle?

you can find both in my boxers

Tom wants a job as a signalman on the railways.

He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

To find out how Tom would react under pressure, the inspector asks him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Tom says, "I would switch one train onto the other track, thus ...

My uncle would eat crickets on a bet

My uncle would eat crickets and night crawlers on a bet.

Someone once asked him how they tasted. His reply:

Well, they’re pretty bitter. But then, I guess I would be, too

30 years ago my uncle stole my nose, and he hasn’t given it back.

-Lord Voldemort

What's the similarity between my uncle and sharks?

The both prey on schools

So I’ve been trying to get my niece to call me her favorite uncle

Every time I visit my brothers house, I say hi to everyone and when I get to my niece I always say “who’s your favorite uncle?” And then point to myself.

It took a while but it finally paid off.

Today when I visited, I said “who’s your favorite uncle?” And with biggest grin on her fa...

Made up an absolutely horrible joke this morning. It needs work tough like my lazy uncle Mike.

I got in a fight with my Girlfriend this morning because I forgot to cut up her breakfast for her. She just go home from the hospital cause last week she was in a horrible car accident she lost an arm, broke her leg and is going to be in a wheel chair for the foreseeable future to be honest I'm jus...

My uncle and I used to play Cave Explorer

I kept telling him that there is no playable character in Cave Explorer but he always insisted that there is the explorer and the explored.

My uncle's favorite joke.

A man with a wooden eye was always nervous asking girls to dance. He was always scared they would find his wooden eye too scary and say no. But he saw a pretty girl with a harelip across the dance floor and mustered up the courage to ask her to dance. Once he asked, she was ecstatic and couldn't bel...

Unable to attend the funeral after his Uncle Charlie died, a man who lived far away called his blonde brother and told him, 'Do something nice for Uncle Charlie and then send me the bill.'

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
But when the $200.00 bills kept arriving every month, he finally called his brother again to find out what was going on.

'Well,' sa...

A joke from a lawyer uncle

How can you tell that a victim of a hit-and-run was a lawyer?

If it was a lawyer, the body will have 2 sets of skid marks from when the driver backed up and hit him again.

I'm trying to get my aunt and uncle to buy a donkey...

But I don't wanna be an ass

Just been told my uncle tragically died at the brewery. He fell into a vat and drowned.

I don't think he suffered too much though, because he managed to get out twice to pee.

You know that show naked and afraid? It remind me of a game I played with my uncle.

It’s a joke! I know it’s dark. Sorry.

My uncle stopped smoking because of coronavirus

RIP uncle Jim.

My nephew came to me with a look of pride on his face.

He said uncle, uncle look what I made it’s a telephone. He proceeded to show me two tin cans tied together with string.

I pulled out my iPhone and said: “this is what kids your age make in China.”

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I still remember what my uncle said right before the toilet broke...

"SHIT!"

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

My uncle fell asleep in traffic and got run over...

I guess he got tired

I’m from Alabama and I don’t appreciate all the jokes Reddit makes about my home state. I told my dad, my uncle, and my grandpa about it.

When he found out he was madder than hell.

Wholesome Prison joke from my uncle’s dad

So there are a group of men serving simultaneous life sentences in prison. They’ve served 20 years together already and over all those years to fill the time they told each other jokes. These jokes they’ve loved so much and were told so many times; that they have been able to tell them by numbers al...

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I asked my uncle the difference between an oral thermometer and an anal thermometer...

He said the taste

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A letter from an Irish mother

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 2...

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Little Johnny is visiting his uncle Fred the farmer...

Johnny came running in from the field one day frantically shouting “UNCLE FRED! UNCLE FRED! THE BULL IS FUCKING THE COW!!”

Fred of course found this information useful but told Johnny “thank you for tell me, but maybe instead of telling me the bull is fucking the cow, just tell me he’s SURPRI...

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I tried translating a Norwegian joke I heard from my uncle

Two northeners , Martinus and Bjørnar are camping together in the winter... They spend a lot of time together and then they go to bed in their sleeping bags..

They lie there for a while before Martinus says to Bjørnar: "Are you jerking off?" Bjørnar replies: "No I am not"

He says again...

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Dinner Story

While the whole family was eating dinner:

Son: Mama, I saw Papa in the maid's bedroom today.

Pa: H-Hey now, you just be quiet and eat your dinner, son.

Ma: Go on, son...

Son: Papa took off his clothes and the maid did the same!

Pa: Now listen here, you lying l...

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

My uncle accidentally fell into a vat of lacquer.

He didn't have a good life, but he had a beautiful finish.

My uncle got an award for not wearing a mask.

The Darwin Award.

A box of Uncle Ben’s beans and rice is a meal that everyone enjoys, but what most people don’t know about Uncle Ben is that he’s a former assassin. His classic recipe for death?

Ricin Beans

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NSFW? This may be a old one. I have not seen my uncle for 5 months.

When I saw him, he told me “researchers have discovered why people were hoarding all the toilet paper. It was due to whenever someone sneezed or coughed, 10 other people shit their pants.”

Did you hear they are changing the Uncle Ben’s Logo?

Everyone thought it was ricest.

What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Your Uncle.

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'" The mother interrupts him.

''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Johnny and says, ''Tell daddy exactly what you told me...

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I caught my uncle paying prostitute for sex, i was shocked

Never knew people get paid for sex.

I can't watch that show naked and afraid anymore.

Reminds me of being at my uncle's house

The teacher said “Little Timmy, do you believe that you have a fairy godmother?”

Little Timmy said “I’m not sure, but I’ve got an uncle we keep an eye on.”

My uncle had car accident...

He cracked his ribs, broke left leg and got his front teeth smashed in the accident.

He was in a hospital for couple of weeks and during rounds he would always offer his doctor some hazelnuts.

Doctor liked him and would engage in friendly chat and chew some hazelnuts. After some days d...

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard.

Boy after that he went down hill fast.

I have an uncle who's ambidextrous, but prefers to use his right hand

The only thing he does left is write.

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What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned: Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?

His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom t...

Dinner

So, I’m having dinner with my Uncle at this chic restaurant. As he closed the menu shut, he says to the waitstaff “I’ll have the turtle soup and make it snappy!”

Little Johnny is taking a shower

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father t...

Judge: Did you kill your uncle?

Accused: Uncle? I can't even kill an ant.

Social Security

To Whom It May Concern,

I would like to ask the Social Security Administration about my case.

I got married in 1962 to a widow, who had han adult daughter. My father visited us frequently, and as a result, he married my stepdaughter.

After this, my stepdaughter became my step...

My uncle is such a great businessman that he made $6 million in profits this year

He works in a non-profit organization

Uncle Ben

A true credit to his rice

My uncle got rich the American way

He tripped over things and sued people.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful. But then there came a new artist who's painting rivaled even his own best pieces. The usually very calm and docile curly haired man started to resent this competition and plotted how to get rid of him. Over the years he tried, unsuccessfully...

I gave my late uncles widow a watch for her birthday.

Now shes just my uncles widow.

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom...

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and ...

My uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he kept fighting them off and drowned. We had him cremated...

he burned for three days.

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My uncle is an archeologist..

He was doing some work in Egypt and came across an ancient tampon. Picked it up, examined it closely and said - I have no idea what period this is from.

My Great Uncle always used to say "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more".

Great bloke...

Terrible anaesthetist...

My uncle went to prison for stealing a board game

He got life.

Uncle Ben has died.

That’s it, no more Mr. Rice Guy!

I live in alabama...

I once heard this funny joke about it, so I went ahead and told my dad,uncle, and brother. He got so mad.

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Proof-reading is vital - for example, you may accidentally type "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse."

When in reality, all you did was sit and watch.

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Marine Biologist

My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. He moved to Los Angeles for grad school and never left. His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. The wor...

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My 80 yr-old uncle was caught planting secret listening devices in a hotel room while wearing a clown costume.

What a silly old bugger.

Daddys car in the woods

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mo...

I recently watched the movie Uncle, with Paul Rudd in it

You people may know it as Aunt-Man

My uncle always inspired me because he used to do what he loved.

Me.

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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter!

She's my Japaniece.

Edit: guys, I see my mistake.

Shiiit. Well imma leave now.

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What does my uncle and a gastroenterologist have in common?

Both shoved foreign objects up my ass after drugging me.

What type of tea does Uncle Sam drink.

Liberty.

So, my uncle died and left me his dvd collection

He had a series of Different Strokes

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

Segura’s favorite Jeselnik

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle.
But my mom said no.
See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18.

And I could just have his motorcycle.

- Anthony Jeselnik
...

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My grand uncle revealed to me that he has been in a same sex marriage for years.

I asked him, "How did you do it when it was illegal back then?”

He was confused, so I said “back then it was illegal to marry a male, since you are a male.”

My grand uncle said, “I wish. I’ve always want to try something different with my wife, but she just wants the same sex day after...

This post is sponsored by Uncle Tom’s rice.

It’s like Uncle Ben’s, but a bit more racist

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