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When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

I went fishing with my uncle

The only thing I caught was AIDS

My great uncle died in the hospital because they didn’t know his blood type

He held my hand through it all and said “Be positive”

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i just helped my uncle jack off a horse.

I just helped my Uncle Jack off a horse.

Capitalisation matters.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morn...

What do you call it when you play hide and seek with your uncle?

Naked and Afraid

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot...

This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft musi...

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Mommy and Uncle Paul

"Hi honey, this is daddy.
Is mommy near the phone?”

A voice on the other end answers: “No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
The little girl quipped.

After a brief pause daddy says “But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do, and he is upsta...

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If your uncle Jack was stuck on top of a horse..

..would you help your uncle jack off the horse?

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What’s the difference between Epic Games and my uncle?

My uncle doesn’t fuck everyone

My uncle died after having a telly get dropped on his head

On the plus side, the funeral had a great service and reception

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

My uncle always told me, “Keep your mouth shut and keep your eyes open.”

Sorry I got those backwards.

My uncle drowned in a vat of whisky

He bravely fought off his rescuers for hour befor he finally circummed.

He was then cremated and the fire lasted 3 days

I hate when people joke about 9/11, my uncle died there

He was the greatest pilot Saudi Arabia had seen in years

My uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life."

He did a lot of drugs

My uncle died from a turtle stampede

It was a slow death

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My Uncle just said to me, “All these mass shooting are happening because kids these days are so self entitled.”

I said, “Why? Because they want to keep all the bullets?”

Seriously, Fuck Him.

Whenever I get down or feel overwhelmed, I think back to my great uncle's final words to me from his deathbed, "be positive!"

That being said, I would have preferred he just answered the question I asked him about his blood type so we could have saved him.

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

My great uncle liked his little games.

For years it seemed like he had just disappeared without a trace. The entire family scoured the U.S. to track him down.

But I finally found his will. Pretty disappointing, actually. It was a dead giveaway.

My uncle killed a monk in training

It was premeditated

I took my uncle's coffin to the wrong plot.

The groundskeeper told me I made a grave mistake.

What’s worse than ants in your pants??

Uncles.

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During the family reunion, I was walking over to my uncle's table.

But as I neared him, I fell.

I found myself on my uncle's lap when he said,

"Trying to fuck with me?"

My uncle was a circus clown . When he died everyone showed up.

In one car

My late uncle has left me a stately home in his will....

I haven't a clue where Sod hall is, but I'm sure it will be very grand....

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I met my fiancee’s 85 year old great uncle the other day. A few minutes later he told me this joke.

Two friends, both ten years old, were hanging out after school one day. One of the kids turned to the other and asked “hey, do you know what a perfect penis looks like?” The kid said no and his friend looked disappointed.

Determined to find the answer for his friend, he rushes home to find t...

How can you differentiate male ants from female ants?

They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

My uncle is a magician

he turned a bottle of whiskey into a case of domestic violence

My uncle told me I'm the favorite daughter of his brother

which is niece

A friend and I were travelling through Alabama when a guy threatened to get his Dad, Uncle and Brother to beat us up.

We were relieved when we found out they were all the same person.

My uncle once killed in an entire circus troupe with one blow

When I asked him how he did it, he said:

“I went straight for the juggler”

I visited my uncle. He asked me to bring a duck from yard for dinner

I caught one, killed it and brought it to the kitchen. My uncle asked 'Did the duck quack before he died?'

'Yes,' I said , 'He quacked twice.'

'Do you know what he said?'

'No, why ask?'

'He said I'm goose! I'm goose!'

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The difference between "helping your uncle Jack off a horse" and "helping your uncle jack off a horse"

isn't much; you'll be sexually molested in either case.

My uncle was kicked in the chest by a horse

The doctors say he’s in a stable condition.

I got to be the DJ at my uncle's wedding

Apparently, having "I Love Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo play ruined the mood for everybody.

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My favorite uncle told this joke about a week before he passed away. He did it with a thick Irish brogue.

A priest and a nun were talking and the priest said, “Sister, if you hadn’t been a nun what do think you would have been?” The nun thought for a minute and said, “If I hadn’t been a nun I probably would have been a prostitute.” The priest was shocked and said, “Now sister I don’t think I heard you q...

About a month before he died, my Uncle had his back covered in lard.

After that, he went downhill fast.

My uncle sells vaccuum cleaners for a living

His business sucks, but its picking up.

I’ll never forget my uncles last words...

“Im not dead you idiots! Get me out of this cremator!”

My uncle told me this

2 hillbillies, Cletus and Bubba are talking in a bar. A lady at a table next to them starts choking. Cletus stands up and walks towards her. He asks her “Are you choking?” The woman nods. Cletus then kneels down and licks her rear. The woman was so surprised that she spit out the food. Cletus walked...

What does your racist uncle have in common with the Ebola virus?

They both make Thanksgiving dinner uncomfortable for everyone.

My uncle tells this one all the time.

Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a pink elephant?
Person most likely answers: with a pink elephant gun.?
A: No! Hold it’s trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with the blue elephant gun.

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

My uncle became a Christmas ornament...

He put a rope around his neck end hang himself onto a tree

My uncle in Washington started an Air Conditioning business.

it's called ac/dc

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What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish...

My uncle has the heart of a lion

He also has a lifetime ban at the zoo

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My uncle died in a flood of kittens last week but I'm not sad.

It's how he said he always wanted to go. Drowning in pussy

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My Uncle got pulled over by a motorcycle cop for going 25mph over the limit

The cop storms up to the drivers window and yells “GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDNT HAUL YOUR ASS TO JAIL RIGHT NOW!!” My uncle replies “Cause id look pretty stupid on the back of your bike.”

Uncle Fritz

Jim and Joanne were finally going to tie the knot. They planned everything out, reserved the chapel and the reception hall, and wrote out their guest list. As they were finalizing the seating chart, Jim looked at Joanne and said, "Honey, I know you aren't going to like this, but we are going to have...

A boy asked his uncle, “why did you plant a walnut tree when I was born?”

“Well,” The uncle replied, “I figure you’d both take about 13 years to start nutting”

My uncle used to be on a SWAT team, but they kicked him off for some reason.

I don't know why though, he got twenty assists in one hostage mission.

My uncle has diabetes and alzheimers

I asked him where his feet were and he was stumped.

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Why don’t ants have dicks?

Because then they would be uncles.

My uncle always used to say "Fight fire with fire"

That's probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade

My uncle worked in Hollywood and told me how sad it was at Jim Henson’s funeral.

Kermit was speechless.

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A boy, his uncle, and a cat on a farm.

So, a father comes home to his son one day and says that they'll have to move for a while. He's going out on a business trip and his mother is in hospital for a car accident, so the child has to stay with his uncle for a while. His uncle is a farmer, and so the boy arrives on the farm. He's only all...

My overweight uncle spend months making a belt out of used pocket watches.

When he finished it, he realized it was a huge waist of time.

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I went to visit my uncle in prison, and I managed to lock my keys in the car.

I said to one of the guards "Is there anyone in there who can get them out for me?" he said "leave it with me" 10 minutes later he comes out with Reggie cuffed to his arm, I say to Reggie "can you help me out?" He says "No problem", he kneels down, picks up a brick and throws it through my fucking w...

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I walked into my uncle’s bedroom and saw him giving a hooker $50 for anal

I barged in and yelled, “He pays you?!?!”

Why did Uncle Sam get a divorce?

His wife was Auntie America.

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I remember when I lost my virginity.....

That’s the last time I was allowed to go camping with my Uncle.

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

Uncle Ben probably wouldn't have discouraged Peter from joining the Avengers

But his Aunt May

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

After my uncle died I came into some money...

Boy, was I happy! The bank teller, though, was horrified.

What's the difference between a good movie and my uncle?

Nothing. They both touch me.

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I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

I want to die like my uncle.

Lighting a cigarette enjoying the cool summer breeze.
Not like the people around him yelling and screaming that he shouldn't do that while pumping his gas.

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9 months ago I had best sex in my life

Today I became an uncle.

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My uncle was a shit ventriloquist

He kept putting his fist up my ass and told me not to say anything

About a month before his death my uncle asked us to cover him in grease

He went downhill quite quickly after that.

My Italian uncle has recently been hit by a truck full of Mac&cheese

Sadly, he pasta way now

All three of my uncles used to grow weed together

It was a joint effort.

My uncle once got his DeLorean up to 88 mph, and ended up 30 years in the future.

That's how long he got for hitting all those people at the bus stop.

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My uncle was born without eyelids....

My uncle was born without eyelids but the doctor was pretty resourceful. He took his foreskin and made eyelids with it. My uncle is fine now, just a little cock eyed

A hunt for a missing 6-year old boy ended after 10 hours when the child was found sleeping in the trunk of his uncle's car.

It was a kidnapping.

Yesterday was my Irish Uncle second anniversary being sober.

Yeah he's been in a coma for 2 years.

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My uncle was a terrible ventriloquist...

...used to put two fingers in my arse and tell me not to say a word.

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A lion was chasing Uncle in Africa

A Uncle was trying to impress his nephew

Uncle: You know, when I was traveling in African Savannah alone, I went close to a sleeping lion to photograph him.

Nephew: What happened next?

Uncle: The lion suddenly wakes up, and start chasing me.

Nephew: Wow, what happened ...

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain

He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

I want to become millionaire like my uncle

He also want to become millionaire

My uncle opened a clown themed restaurant.

It didn’t do very well though, customers kept saying the food tasted funny.

My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.

So he had something to read as he bled to death.

Looking for feedback on a terribad joke I made up

Last night at 7:30 I went to my uncle's sixty second birthday party...

It was over by 7:31.

Let me tell you about my Uncle Ernest. He drank furniture polish and died.

It’s a sad story with a beautiful finish.

My uncle spent a year in an African village while he was in the Peace Corp...

...when he arrived, he noticed there was some drumming noise coming from far away. He asked the Chief, who replied "Drums good. when drums stop, no good."
The next days, the drums continued. When my uncle asked if it was the same drums as yesterday, the chief replied "Drums good. when drum...

My uncle's chicken farm business didn't take off so he switched to ducks...

The it was all bills, bills, bills.

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My 9 year old thinks we should name our new dog after her Uncle.

When we asked her why, "So when we tell people that Steve pooped in the garage, they'll think it was him!".



True story.

Every family reunion we would see our uncle who we called “caveman” we called him that because he was big and hairy and every now and then he would eat one of us

Then we found out he was a bear

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I saw my first porno last night.

I looked so much younger back when it was filmed.

So did my uncle.

Your drunk uncle

At 10 years old, you laugh at your drunk uncle

At 16, you are embarrassed by your drunk uncle

At 25, you are drunk with your uncle

At 40 *you* are the drunk uncle.

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