I asked my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper, she laughed at me and said "oh uncle , you're so old. Just use my phone"

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill the fly.

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When I was 12, I lived with my abusive uncle and auntie

We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields.

My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse.

Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion.

Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird l...

My uncle: a little bird told me you are doing drugs.

Me: you're talking with birds and I'm the one doing drugs?

My uncle always told me, “Keep your mouth shut and keep your eyes open.”

Sorry I got those backwards.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morn...

My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison...

He's never going to finish his sentence.

My Uncle used to say: "when one door closes, another opens"

He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.

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If your uncle Jack was stuck on top of a horse..

..would you help your uncle jack off the horse?

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

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Mommy and Uncle Paul

"Hi honey, this is daddy.
Is mommy near the phone?”

A voice on the other end answers: “No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
The little girl quipped.

After a brief pause daddy says “But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do, and he is upsta...

I gave my late uncles widow a watch for her birthday.

Now shes just my uncles widow.

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My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter!

She's my Japaniece.

Edit: guys, I see my mistake.

Shiiit. Well imma leave now.

What type of tea does Uncle Sam drink.

Liberty.

My uncle drank way too much..

his wife told him that she would leave if he came home drunk again. Of course he goes out again, gets blind drunk, and vomits all over himself. He tells his buddy, “I can’t go home like this, she’ll leave me”. His friend gives him a $20 and says, “Put this in your pocket, and tell her that somebody ...

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my Uncle Bob;

not screaming in terror like his passengers

I hate when people joke about 9/11, my uncle died there

He was the greatest pilot Saudi Arabia had seen in years

What's the difference between a dad joke and an uncle joke?

Whether you groan or moan.

I'll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed

"I am your Father"

Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end.

My uncle is a bad ventriloquist

Whenever he shoves his fingers up my ass, he tells me not to open my mouth.

Me: Man I want to be rich someday, just like my uncle.

Friend: Your uncle is rich?


Me: No, but he also wants to be rich someday.


Thanks to u/Jayer244

Who is Uncle Kracker married to?

Aunt Cheese

Every year my uncle dresses as Santa Clause for me and my little brother.

Santa is coming really means something different in our family.

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My Uncle died from a viagra overdose

His death has been really hard on the family.

Why did the kid get creeped out when he was with his uncle playing with an octopus?

Because he expected 8 but he got ten-tickles

What's the difference between taxes and my uncle

At least my uncle takes me out to dinner

With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas

But all he gave me was some junky old car.

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i just helped my uncle jack off a horse.

I just helped my Uncle Jack off a horse.

Capitalisation matters.

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot...

This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft musi...

My weird uncle came into show and tell with me when I was younger.

Worst funeral ever.

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

My uncle is a magician

he turned a bottle of whiskey into a case of domestic violence

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

Back in the day my uncle was a damn good hypnotist

On an unrelated note I feel compelled to tell you he never touched me

I just found out my uncle, who has a stammer, died in prison

I'm so upset. He didn't even finish his sentence

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What do you call a really persistent uncle?

A pain in the ass.

I always hated the show Naked & Afraid

It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.

My uncle, who is an army funeral director, almost became president of the United states.

Yes he was a barrack embalmer.

A joke from my uncle about two monkeys who were best friends...

I had two pet monkeys who were the best of friends, they did everything together. They went to the park together, they bathed together and even shared each others food.

One day i decided to nip to the shop to buy some milk, and upon my return i found that one monkey had fallen off the balcon...

My uncle’s hand got caught in some farm equipment. After rushing him to the hospital, the doctor told him they wouldn’t be able to save his fingers.

He was distraught, and asked the doctor how he would manage. My dad leaned over and said. “It’ll be alright Dan, you can always count on me.”

An uncle of mine used to throw a space heater into the pool to heat it up before he would go swimming during the colder months

Come to think of it, he only did it once

I took my uncle's coffin to the wrong plot.

The groundskeeper told me I made a grave mistake.

My uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life."

He did a lot of drugs

"Mom, can I play with uncle George again tomorrow?"

"I'm sorry, honey, after two weeks it's high time that we bury him."

My uncle always told me, "The real treasure, was inside of you the whole time".

As kind as that sounds, he sold organs to the black market for a living.

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When I was a kid I remember a joke that went something like this: if your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof would you help your uncle Jack off?, I know not too funny! Well years later my then 8 year old son comes home from school and said he heard a joke, I said let’s hear it. And he said,..,

“If your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof would you help him down?” And then said he didn’t get it! I thought it was hilarious!

My uncle drowned in a vat of whisky

He bravely fought off his rescuers for hour befor he finally circummed.

He was then cremated and the fire lasted 3 days

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What’s the difference between Epic Games and my uncle?

My uncle doesn’t fuck everyone

My uncle was a circus clown . When he died everyone showed up.

In one car

My Uncle used to tell me there were two Polands

One at the north pole and one at the south pole.

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Why is grammar important

Capitalization is important

It is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse

My uncle was kicked in the chest by a horse

The doctors say he’s in a stable condition.

Whenever I get down or feel overwhelmed, I think back to my great uncle's final words to me from his deathbed, "be positive!"

That being said, I would have preferred he just answered the question I asked him about his blood type so we could have saved him.

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What's the difference between EA and my uncle?

My uncle didn't take my money when he fucked me.

My late uncle has left me a stately home in his will....

I haven't a clue where Sod hall is, but I'm sure it will be very grand....

I’ll never forget my uncles last words...

“Im not dead you idiots! Get me out of this cremator!”

My uncle died after having a telly get dropped on his head

On the plus side, the funeral had a great service and reception

I went fishing with my uncle

The only thing I caught was AIDS

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My favorite uncle told this joke about a week before he passed away. He did it with a thick Irish brogue.

A priest and a nun were talking and the priest said, “Sister, if you hadn’t been a nun what do think you would have been?” The nun thought for a minute and said, “If I hadn’t been a nun I probably would have been a prostitute.” The priest was shocked and said, “Now sister I don’t think I heard you q...

Doctor killed my Uncle

Myl classic


Juan : I hate doctors, a doctor killed my uncle in Madrid.

Brown: That’s sad. What happened?

Juan: He went to a clinic for a heart checkup, the doctor said he was fine. 5 minutes later, he died on the road.

Brown: Wow.Heart attack?

Juan: No. Motorc...

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I met my fiancee’s 85 year old great uncle the other day. A few minutes later he told me this joke.

Two friends, both ten years old, were hanging out after school one day. One of the kids turned to the other and asked “hey, do you know what a perfect penis looks like?” The kid said no and his friend looked disappointed.

Determined to find the answer for his friend, he rushes home to find t...

I got to be the DJ at my uncle's wedding

Apparently, having "I Love Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo play ruined the mood for everybody.

What’s worse than ants in your pants?

Uncles

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If opinions really were like assholes

my uncle would show a lot more interest in my opinion.

My uncle once killed in an entire circus troupe with one blow

When I asked him how he did it, he said:

“I went straight for the juggler”

My uncle killed a monk in training

It was premeditated

I visited my uncle. He asked me to bring a duck from yard for dinner

I caught one, killed it and brought it to the kitchen. My uncle asked 'Did the duck quack before he died?'

'Yes,' I said , 'He quacked twice.'

'Do you know what he said?'

'No, why ask?'

'He said I'm goose! I'm goose!'

A friend and I were travelling through Alabama when a guy threatened to get his Dad, Uncle and Brother to beat us up.

We were relieved when we found out they were all the same person.

My uncle sells vaccuum cleaners for a living

His business sucks, but its picking up.

My uncle paid $1000 to get his right leg amputated ... turns out it was the wrong leg

Now hes left footing the bill

Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee

But no one ever talks about his family.

His brother, the revolutionary vegetarian activist, Brocco Lee.

His cousin, the hesitant statistician, Probab Lee.

His uncle, the trustworthy politician, Honest Lee.

And of course, the Spanish inquisitor, Juan "Expected" Lee.

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

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Anal sex is a lot like my first car...

I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.

My uncle told me I'm the favorite daughter of his brother

which is niece

My uncle tells this one all the time.

Q: How do you kill a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you kill a pink elephant?
Person most likely answers: with a pink elephant gun.?
A: No! Hold it’s trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with the blue elephant gun.

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During the family reunion, I was walking over to my uncle's table.

But as I neared him, I fell.

I found myself on my uncle's lap when he said,

"Trying to fuck with me?"

How can you differentiate male ants from female ants?

They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

My uncle has diabetes and alzheimers

I asked him where his feet were and he was stumped.

Blonde guy gets home from work...

Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.

"Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!"

He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and dau...

My mom has a brother named Bob

All of my life I never understood why so many people felt they needed to tell me he's my uncle.

My uncle got a severe allergic reaction while staying in a remotely located hotel near Barcelona...

he would have died certainly as there were no hospitals close by. Suddenly we heard someone knocking on the hotel's door. Miraculously it was the hotel's in-house doctor.

We were quite amused by how the doctor showed up at the exact time he was needed.

Nobody expected the Spanish...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After landing myself in jail I spent the first 4 hours getting ass fucked senseless…

I think my uncle takes playing monopoly far too seriously!!!

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Turns out my uncle's birthday falls on the same day as my boyfriend's

Now I don't know who to celebrate it with, the one who took my virginity, or my boyfriend

My uncle has the heart of a lion

He also has a lifetime ban at the zoo

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A Native American chief was teaching his son the history of their tribe.

“Father, how do we get our names?” asked the boy.

“Well son, you see, in our culture we are named in honor of the first ‘spirited ones’ our mothers see when the child is delivered.” explained the Chief.

“My father, Soaring Eagle was named for the great bald eagle that circled outside ...

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I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

My uncle worked in Hollywood and told me how sad it was at Jim Henson’s funeral.

Kermit was speechless.

My uncle in Washington started an Air Conditioning business.

it's called ac/dc

My uncle became a Christmas ornament...

He put a rope around his neck end hang himself onto a tree

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish

He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

About a month before he died, my Uncle had his back covered in lard.

After that, he went downhill fast.

My overweight uncle spend months making a belt out of used pocket watches.

When he finished it, he realized it was a huge waist of time.

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Uncle Fritz

Jim and Joanne were finally going to tie the knot. They planned everything out, reserved the chapel and the reception hall, and wrote out their guest list. As they were finalizing the seating chart, Jim looked at Joanne and said, "Honey, I know you aren't going to like this, but we are going to have...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My uncle was a shit ventriloquist

He kept putting his fist up my ass and told me not to say anything

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's always such a relief when that piece of shit slides out of your ass after you've been struggling to get it out for 20 minutes

But hey, at least my uncle was enjoying himself...

Joke

When the good lord said he was handing out noses, I thought he said roses so I said “I’ll take the reddest one”. When he was handing out ears, I thought he said beers so I said “I’ll take the biggest one”

When he was handing out brains I thought he said trains so I said “I’ll take the slowest...

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My Uncle got pulled over by a motorcycle cop for going 25mph over the limit

The cop storms up to the drivers window and yells “GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDNT HAUL YOUR ASS TO JAIL RIGHT NOW!!” My uncle replies “Cause id look pretty stupid on the back of your bike.”

A boy asked his uncle, “why did you plant a walnut tree when I was born?”

“Well,” The uncle replied, “I figure you’d both take about 13 years to start nutting”

I want to die like my uncle.

Lighting a cigarette enjoying the cool summer breeze.
Not like the people around him yelling and screaming that he shouldn't do that while pumping his gas.

Uncle Ben probably wouldn't have discouraged Peter from joining the Avengers

But his Aunt May

I had an Uncle Pete, he lived in Pennsylvania all his long life...

...although he was technically Jewish, he was really an atheist, but when he hit 85 he thought he should get religion in his life, in case there was a Heaven - I guess he wanted to hedge his bets.

Anyway, he goes to his Rabbi, who says "Peter, I don't want you picking Judaism because it's the...

An old woman was being interviewed regarding her pending divorce...

An old woman was being interviewed regarding her pending divorce. The judge asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About a four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said. "I mean what is the foundation o...

My Italian uncle has recently been hit by a truck full of Mac&cheese

Sadly, he pasta way now

After my uncle died I came into some money...

Boy, was I happy! The bank teller, though, was horrified.

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