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Fiance Jokes

A girl brings her new fiance home to meet her parents for the very first time.

So a girl brings her new fiancee home to meet her parents. Boy looks like a hipster (scarf, big bushy beard, etc.) Understandably, her father would like to know the boy better and so he takes him to his study for a private conversation.

Dad: "So, John. What do you do for a living?"

Fia...

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I walked in the pub with my gorgeous fiance .

Barman said " Punching above your weight there aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?"

"I met her in Thailand," I replied. "We're due to get married next month."

"You don't want to get married," he laughed . "That's when the blowjobs stop."

"I don't mind that," I replied. "I h...

My fiance gave me an ultimatum yesterday...

It was either her or Reddit.

My fiance left me at the altar...

Turns out she wasn't as into human sacrifice as I was.

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A man gets his fiance, Wendy's name tattooed on his penis....

So when he's hard it says "Wendy," but when it's soft it just says, "W Y."

So they get married and go to Jamaica on their honeymoon. They're dancing in the club and drinking and having a good time when inevitably the man has to go to the bathroom.

He's standing at the urinal and noti...

What do you call Leonardo DiCaprio and his fiance on their wedding day?

Bride and Groomer

What did the sushi say to its fiance?

You make miso happy.

A couple's young daughter went to college.

After 6 months she happily let them know she was engaged to a student who is studying to be a pastor, and is bringing him home for the holidays.

And after the introductions the father and the boy sat and the father asked: " How old are you?"

Fiance:"19"

Father: "And where are yo...

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents.

After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a scholar," he replies.

"A scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but wha...

So this amputee hadn't told about his condition to his fiance yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!" she exclaims, "T...

My fiance is talking about having a dream wedding...

Thank God it's a dream, I did not want to attend

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After 3 years with her, my fiance's still a real good looker.

No matter where I hide the porn, she always seems to find it!

A man named Joseph moved into the apartment next to another man and his fiance.

The man and his fiance got to know Joseph over the next few months and became friendly towards him.

One day, Joseph was caught in an accident at work and injured his eye. He had to have a cotton patch over it for a few weeks while it healed.

It was during this time that the man's fianc...

I was in the supermarket the other day with my fiance

I was in the supermarket the other day with my fiancee and pointed out a guy who had lowered his mask to pick his nose.

Her: "You're allowed to take your mask off to eat."

From friend, to girlfriend, to fiance, and now wife!

I've been doing a lot of driving today!

And the difference between a fiance and a wife is ...

... normally 10 to 15 pounds.

My fiance broke up with me about a year ago.

But she and the engagement ring still remain close.

Today my fiance screamed at me and told me she hates at the alter

Ruined a perfectly good sacrifice.

My fiance got mad when I used the word puke.

But to me, that is what her dinner tasted like.

My fiance told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

Went out we had some drinks he's a nice guy. He's a web designer.

My fiance thought that all men are trash

I told her no, there are only a few garbage men in every town

I Dyed A Bit When I Wrote This

Many years ago, I came home from work one day and noticed my fiance had dyed her hair.

“Purple, really?”

“Fushia”

“What’s the difference?”

“Fuschia is purple with some red and pink in it., It’s not really purple.”

I gave her a hard time for a long time, until she g...

A woman is on trial for beating her fiance to death with his guitar collection.

The judge says "first offender?" With a quizzical look the woman says "first a Gibson, then a Fender."

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I met up with my ex-fiance today and immediately began having sex

The police did not take it well as I was only asked to identify the body.

What do you call a black fiance

A Beyonce

I'll see myself out

I dumped my blind fiance yesterday.

She never saw it coming.

My fiance asked me what date I'd prefer for our wedding

Apparently, "your sister" was not the right answer.

My fiance, feeling a bit under the weather, just blurted out this knee-slapper at 3AM...

Why does Bill Nye get sleepy after writing calligraphy?

Because of the Nye Quill.

A man finally got engaged to his dream woman. Eager to show off his new fiance, he took her to his home town.

Upon arrival, he approached his mother and said, “I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.”

Sure enough, twenty minutes later, the man walked in the door with three girls following behind him.

Without a moment’s hesitation the mother pointed t...

I asked my fiance what date she wanted to get married. She said, "How about on 9/11?"

"Why in the world would you want to get married on 9/11?"

"So you'll never forget."

I told my fiance to go stand in the corner when she is cold.

Its usually about 90°

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A hillbilly tells his parents he won't marry his fiance because she is a virgin.

"If she isn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours!"

My fiance isn't too happy about me referring to her as my alternative second choice...

I thought she was my wife 2 b?

If you leave your spouse, you are divorced. If you leave your fiance...

You are dis-engaged.

My friend asked his fiance to marry him with a song.

The proposal had a nice ring to it.

A catholic woman gets engaged

I heard this joke from a father(catholic priest) today.

A catholic woman gets engaged and finds out that her fiance doesn't believe in hell.

She goes to her father and says : "Father, my fiance doesn't believe in hell. Maybe I should rethink about marrying him".

Her father says...

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My fiance dressed up as a police officer and told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

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One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.

As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more an...

Microwave Marriage (OC one-liner)

My Fiance and I were both grabbing leftovers from the fridge. Hers was going to need about 3 minutes, my Mac n cheese only needed like 30 secs.

I deferred to her, as one does to make the wife-to-be happy. She deferred back and says "**Just zap your stuff and then I'll take my time zapping my ...

Me: Hey did you hear about Maya Hee?

My fiance: Maya Who

Me: Maya Ha Ha

What did Jay Z call his wife before they got married?

Fiance

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The Test

John was very happy to be meeting his fiance's parent's for the first time. They agreed to meet at his house then drive to the local steakhouse. John arrived at the house on time and knocked on the door. His soon to be father in law answered it with a stern look on his face. John was invited in and ...

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As a man and a woman lay on a beach, the man notices someone with a metal detector.

"I wonder if he's found anything," he says to his wife, "I'm gonna to go ask him."

"C'mon honey, leave the loser alone."

But he was already up and walking over. "Found anything?" the man calls out.

"Oh yes," says the detectorist. He reaches into his bag and pulls out a ring. "I ...

My 5 year old daughter was a preemie, she was born 6 weeks early, and was 3 lbs even when she was born.

A couple days later, my fiance said that she is definitely my daughter, I asked her why she said that, and she responded with, cause she came early.

Bubba Joe is a down to earth farm boy from East Texas and falls in love with a girl

After some time, they decide to get married, but before that can happen his fiance tells him that he must become christian. Now Bubba Joe was never really religious but he really loves this girl and heads off to the local catholic church and asks the priest if he can become a parishioner. The priest...

A female friend got engaged to a successful stockbroker, but since then all he wants to do is smoke weed.

Welcome to the world of high fiance.

A terrible day at the golf course

John is playing golf with his wife. He gets to a difficult dogleg left par 5. But he is an avid golfer and has learned he can cut the corner by hitting his second shot over the barn the hole curves around. He hits a beautiful drive, but it goes further than normal and he is really close to the barn....

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I decided today that I needed to start exercising.

My fiance and I were making out, and she asked me if she could come on my tits.

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So I recently got engaged, and used to visit my future in-laws' house quite frequently...

My fiance had a step sister, who used to tease me a lot. She used to stared at me across the dining table, used to bend down while wearing a skirt, etc.

A couple of days before the wedding, she called me at the house to help her make the invitation cards. When I arrived, there was no one at t...

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A man went for a penis enlargement operation

The next day his friend asked him if it was painful. The man replied, "Nah, I just remember a little prick... But now it's much larger!"



Credit to my fiance.

Grandpa's Father's Day quip

Out at breakfast with my fiance's grandparents yesterday morning when I priest comes in. Her grandfather is almost 90.

Grandpa, (knowing I was raised Catholic) says, "So you gonna wish him a Happy Father's Day too?"

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Norwegian Virgin Wedding

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance...

True story

Not sure where to post this.


About 6 months ago, my now 5 year old daughter came into mine and my fiance's room, and started screaming saying she was missing her thumb. It took me a minute to realize what was going on.


A little backstory, my 5 year old daughter was born about ...

Getting married next week

I told my fiance I'll set a date the day I see the Queen jump out of a helicopter.

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A blonde gets on a flight going from Barcelona back to London..

She gets on the plane and immediately sits in first class. The cabin crew explain to her that she doesn't have a ticket for first class but she refuses to move.
One cabin crew member tells the captain about the situation, the captain says "Ah, my wife is a blonde. Let me speak to her"
He goes ...

A man is playing golf one day...

And while he’s at a hole he hears “fooooorrrrr” before he’s smacked in the “business” with an errant golf ball.

He heads to the doctors and asks “how can you help me doc, My fiance and I have been saving ourselves for marriage and the wedding is 2 weeks out.”

“Hmmm. Typically your prob...

A young man was going to be married

so he asked his father if he could give his fiance his deceased mother's ring. This was fine with the father.

The father decided to have it appraised for insurance purposes. He asked a lady friend who was a well-known jeweler to do the appraisal; she accepted, and said that her fee would be s...

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A man is getting married in a week.

He decides he wants to have his stag party while playing a round of golf. After a couple of holes, the man gets his in the genitalia by a rogue golf ball. Wanting to make sure everything is OK, he goes to a doctor. He asks the doctor, "I'm getting married in a week and my fiance is a virgin. Wil...

A man is in the final stages of getting ready for his wedding...

Everything is going well except for one small matter of his bride to be's extremely hot younger sister. One afternoon, a week before the big day, he finds himself alone with her in the house. She slides up to him and suggests to go upstairs - before he finally settles down to a life of wedded bliss....

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Welcome to Jamaica, enjoy your stay

A guy asks his fiance to marry him. She says okay, but only if you get a tattoo of my name on your dick. The guy agrees and gets "Wendy" tattooed on his dick. When he has a soft one you could only see "WY"

They ends up going to Jamaica for their honeymoon. The guy goes into the bathroom and ...

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A man is about to get married, and his friends want to take him to a strip club for his bachelor party.

A man is about to get married, and his friends want to take him to a strip club for his bachelor party.

The man is worried, since his fiance is a virgin and he has abstained from sex since they started dating. His buddies assure him it will be just a few lap dances and nothing more. As one o...

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A joke about black aviation.

So my cousin is in aviation school. He decided to learn how to fly so he can propose to his fiance. Anyway almost all of the other students in his class are black people. Nothing wrong with that, it was just weird because it's in an area with very few african americans. So it's weird to see that man...

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The Donut Joke

First time posting, but this is my favorite joke. It takes some acting, and can only be used in certain situations, but I've had rooms of people rolling on the floor.

This joke works best when you are in a group of people all trading jokes. When it comes to your turn, tell the first part:...

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