My fiance and I have decided we don't want kids

We'll be telling them tommorow

A man named Joseph moved into the apartment next to another man and his fiance.

The man and his fiance got to know Joseph over the next few months and became friendly towards him.

One day, Joseph was caught in an accident at work and injured his eye. He had to have a cotton patch over it for a few weeks while it healed.

It was during this time that the man's fianc...

A woman is on trial for beating her fiance to death with his guitar collection.

The judge says "first offender?" With a quizzical look the woman says "first a Gibson, then a Fender."

From friend, to girlfriend, to fiance, and now wife!

I've been doing a lot of driving today!

And the difference between a fiance and a wife is ...

... normally 10 to 15 pounds.

My fiance told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

Went out we had some drinks he's a nice guy. He's a web designer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My fiance dressed up as a police officer and told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

My fiance got mad when I used the word puke.

But to me, that is what her dinner tasted like.

My fiance broke up with me about a year ago.

But she and the engagement ring still remain close.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My fiance told me she wouldn't have sex with me until our wedding night

I said fine, then I'll become mute and not talk to you until then too. After a couple of days of going on like that we struck a compromise through back door communications

My Fiance Doesn't Trust Me!

Whenever she travels for her job, she takes my prophylactics.

My fiance gave me an ultimatum yesterday...

It was either her or Reddit.

A female friend got engaged to a successful stockbroker, but since then all he wants to do is smoke weed.

Welcome to the world of high fiance.

A man finally got engaged to his dream woman. Eager to show off his new fiance, he took her to his home town.

Upon arrival, he approached his mother and said, “I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.”

Sure enough, twenty minutes later, the man walked in the door with three girls following behind him.

Without a moment’s hesitation the mother pointed t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.

As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more an...

A girl brings her new fiance home to meet her parents for the very first time.

So a girl brings her new fiancee home to meet her parents. Boy looks like a hipster (scarf, big bushy beard, etc.) Understandably, her father would like to know the boy better and so he takes him to his study for a private conversation.

Dad: "So, John. What do you do for a living?"

Fia...

Bubba Joe is a down to earth farm boy from East Texas and falls in love with a girl

After some time, they decide to get married, but before that can happen his fiance tells him that he must become christian. Now Bubba Joe was never really religious but he really loves this girl and heads off to the local catholic church and asks the priest if he can become a parishioner. The priest...

I told my fiance to go stand in the corner when she is cold.

Its usually about 90°

My fiance thought that all men are trash

I told her no, there are only a few garbage men in every town

True story

Not sure where to post this.


About 6 months ago, my now 5 year old daughter came into mine and my fiance's room, and started screaming saying she was missing her thumb. It took me a minute to realize what was going on.


A little backstory, my 5 year old daughter was born about ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy surprises his fiance by having her name tattooed on his penis.

In flowing script it says, "Wendy."

On their Jamaican honeymoon, he uses a public bathroom and sees a Jamaican man who seems to have the same name tattooed on his penis. The husband asks, "So your girl's name is Wendy, too?"

The guy looks down at his penis and says, "No, once de wrinkl...

I asked my fiance what date she wanted to get married. She said, "How about on 9/11?"

"Why in the world would you want to get married on 9/11?"

"So you'll never forget."

My fiance asked me what date I'd prefer for our wedding

Apparently, "your sister" was not the right answer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets his fiance, Wendy's name tattooed on his penis....

So when he's hard it says "Wendy," but when it's soft it just says, "W Y."

So they get married and go to Jamaica on their honeymoon. They're dancing in the club and drinking and having a good time when inevitably the man has to go to the bathroom.

He's standing at the urinal and noti...

My fiance and I like to play army...

I lay down and she blows the hell out of me.

My fiance's dad is a priest and he's going to take the bar exam soon.

He's going to be a father in law

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Told my fiance her parents read her like a book, and that I read her like a shit post on reddit.

I always know what's coming next but I read the whole thing.

If you leave your spouse, you are divorced. If you leave your fiance...

You are dis-engaged.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met up with my ex-fiance today and immediately began having sex

The police did not take it well as I was only asked to identify the body.

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!"...

What do you call a black fiance

A Beyonce

I'll see myself out

My fiance, feeling a bit under the weather, just blurted out this knee-slapper at 3AM...

Why does Bill Nye get sleepy after writing calligraphy?

Because of the Nye Quill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hillbilly tells his parents he won't marry his fiance because she is a virgin.

"If she isn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours!"

I dumped my blind fiance yesterday.

She never saw it coming.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Young Man Asks His Father About His Fiance

A young man from West Virginia goes up to his dad and says, "Pa, I am really concerned about my fiance."

His dad asks him to tell him what the problem is, he says, "Well Pa, I just don't know what to do, I just found out she is a virgin."

His dad says, "Dump her, if she ain't good en...

My friend asked his fiance to marry him with a song.

The proposal had a nice ring to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Norwegian Virgin

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde gets on a flight going from Barcelona back to London..

She gets on the plane and immediately sits in first class. The cabin crew explain to her that she doesn't have a ticket for first class but she refuses to move.
One cabin crew member tells the captain about the situation, the captain says "Ah, my wife is a blonde. Let me speak to her"
He goes ...

Grandpa's Father's Day quip

Out at breakfast with my fiance's grandparents yesterday morning when I priest comes in. Her grandfather is almost 90.

Grandpa, (knowing I was raised Catholic) says, "So you gonna wish him a Happy Father's Day too?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I recently got engaged, and used to visit my future in-laws' house quite frequently...

My fiance had a step sister, who used to tease me a lot. She used to stared at me across the dining table, used to bend down while wearing a skirt, etc.

A couple of days before the wedding, she called me at the house to help her make the invitation cards. When I arrived, there was no one at t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went for a penis enlargement operation

The next day his friend asked him if it was painful. The man replied, "Nah, I just remember a little prick... But now it's much larger!"



Credit to my fiance.

Why did the watermelon get left at the altar?

Because his fiance cantelope.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is getting married in a week.

He decides he wants to have his stag party while playing a round of golf. After a couple of holes, the man gets his in the genitalia by a rogue golf ball. Wanting to make sure everything is OK, he goes to a doctor. He asks the doctor, "I'm getting married in a week and my fiance is a virgin. Wil...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Test

John was very happy to be meeting his fiance's parent's for the first time. They agreed to meet at his house then drive to the local steakhouse. John arrived at the house on time and knocked on the door. His soon to be father in law answered it with a stern look on his face. John was invited in and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Donut Joke

First time posting, but this is my favorite joke. It takes some acting, and can only be used in certain situations, but I've had rooms of people rolling on the floor.

This joke works best when you are in a group of people all trading jokes. When it comes to your turn, tell the first part:...

A young man was going to be married

so he asked his father if he could give his fiance his deceased mother's ring. This was fine with the father.

The father decided to have it appraised for insurance purposes. He asked a lady friend who was a well-known jeweler to do the appraisal; she accepted, and said that her fee would be s...

Getting married next week

I told my fiance I'll set a date the day I see the Queen jump out of a helicopter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is about to get married, and his friends want to take him to a strip club for his bachelor party.

A man is about to get married, and his friends want to take him to a strip club for his bachelor party.

The man is worried, since his fiance is a virgin and he has abstained from sex since they started dating. His buddies assure him it will be just a few lap dances and nothing more. As one o...

Just saw my ex

saw the girl I had a crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Welcome to Jamaica, enjoy your stay

A guy asks his fiance to marry him. She says okay, but only if you get a tattoo of my name on your dick. The guy agrees and gets "Wendy" tattooed on his dick. When he has a soft one you could only see "WY"

They ends up going to Jamaica for their honeymoon. The guy goes into the bathroom and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke about black aviation.

So my cousin is in aviation school. He decided to learn how to fly so he can propose to his fiance. Anyway almost all of the other students in his class are black people. Nothing wrong with that, it was just weird because it's in an area with very few african americans. So it's weird to see that man...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.