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One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.

As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more an...

A man finally got engaged to his dream woman. Eager to show off his new fiance, he took her to his home town.

Upon arrival, he approached his mother and said, “I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.”

Sure enough, twenty minutes later, the man walked in the door with three girls following behind him.

Without a moment’s hesitation the mother pointed t...

My fiance gave me an ultimatum yesterday...

It was either her or Reddit.

My fiance told me that she would never marry me if I had anything on my eggs when I ate them

One day, when I thought she was out for work, I decided to toast an english muffin to go along with them. Apparently, she forgot something, and came back to get it, when she caught me in the act. "Baby, wait," I said, "I can eggs plain!"

My fiance thought that all men are trash

I told her no, there are only a few garbage men in every town

My fiance isn't too happy about me referring to her as my alternative second choice...

I thought she was my wife 2 b?

I told my fiance to go stand in the corner when she is cold.

Its usually about 90°

A girl brings her new fiance home to meet her parents for the very first time.

So a girl brings her new fiancee home to meet her parents. Boy looks like a hipster (scarf, big bushy beard, etc.) Understandably, her father would like to know the boy better and so he takes him to his study for a private conversation.

Dad: "So, John. What do you do for a living?"

Fia...

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A guy surprises his fiance by having her name tattooed on his penis.

In flowing script it says, "Wendy."

On their Jamaican honeymoon, he uses a public bathroom and sees a Jamaican man who seems to have the same name tattooed on his penis. The husband asks, "So your girl's name is Wendy, too?"

The guy looks down at his penis and says, "No, once de wrinkl...

My fiance and I like to play army...

I lay down and she blows the hell out of me.

I asked my fiance what date she wanted to get married. She said, "How about on 9/11?"

"Why in the world would you want to get married on 9/11?"

"So you'll never forget."

My fiance's dad is a priest and he's going to take the bar exam soon.

He's going to be a father in law

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Told my fiance her parents read her like a book, and that I read her like a shit post on reddit.

I always know what's coming next but I read the whole thing.

If you leave your spouse, you are divorced. If you leave your fiance...

You are dis-engaged.

My fiance asked me what date I'd prefer for our wedding

Apparently, "your sister" was not the right answer.

What do you call a black fiance

A Beyonce

I'll see myself out

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A man gets his fiance, Wendy's name tattooed on his penis....

So when he's hard it says "Wendy," but when it's soft it just says, "W Y."

So they get married and go to Jamaica on their honeymoon. They're dancing in the club and drinking and having a good time when inevitably the man has to go to the bathroom.

He's standing at the urinal and noti...

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I met up with my ex-fiance today and immediately began having sex

The police did not take it well as I was only asked to identify the body.

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!"...

My fiance, feeling a bit under the weather, just blurted out this knee-slapper at 3AM...

Why does Bill Nye get sleepy after writing calligraphy?

Because of the Nye Quill.

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A hillbilly tells his parents he won't marry his fiance because she is a virgin.

"If she isn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours!"

My friend asked his fiance to marry him with a song.

The proposal had a nice ring to it.

I dumped my blind fiance yesterday.

She never saw it coming.

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A Young Man Asks His Father About His Fiance

A young man from West Virginia goes up to his dad and says, "Pa, I am really concerned about my fiance."

His dad asks him to tell him what the problem is, he says, "Well Pa, I just don't know what to do, I just found out she is a virgin."

His dad says, "Dump her, if she ain't good en...

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A man went for a penis enlargement operation

The next day his friend asked him if it was painful. The man replied, "Nah, I just remember a little prick... But now it's much larger!"



Credit to my fiance.

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So I recently got engaged, and used to visit my future in-laws' house quite frequently...

My fiance had a step sister, who used to tease me a lot. She used to stared at me across the dining table, used to bend down while wearing a skirt, etc.

A couple of days before the wedding, she called me at the house to help her make the invitation cards. When I arrived, there was no one at t...

Grandpa's Father's Day quip

Out at breakfast with my fiance's grandparents yesterday morning when I priest comes in. Her grandfather is almost 90.

Grandpa, (knowing I was raised Catholic) says, "So you gonna wish him a Happy Father's Day too?"

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Norwegian Virgin Wedding

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance...

Why did the watermelon get left at the altar?

Because his fiance cantelope.

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A man is getting married in a week.

He decides he wants to have his stag party while playing a round of golf. After a couple of holes, the man gets his in the genitalia by a rogue golf ball. Wanting to make sure everything is OK, he goes to a doctor. He asks the doctor, "I'm getting married in a week and my fiance is a virgin. Wil...

The Moth Joke

So, a moth walks into a podiatrist's office. The podiatrist asks "What seems to be the problem?" The Moth responds:

"Oh, Doctor Gregory Illonivich, I've aged so very much. I wake up in bed every morning-weak and out of breath- and I roll over to see this old lady that I don't know any more s...

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The Test

John was very happy to be meeting his fiance's parent's for the first time. They agreed to meet at his house then drive to the local steakhouse. John arrived at the house on time and knocked on the door. His soon to be father in law answered it with a stern look on his face. John was invited in and ...

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The Donut Joke

First time posting, but this is my favorite joke. It takes some acting, and can only be used in certain situations, but I've had rooms of people rolling on the floor.

This joke works best when you are in a group of people all trading jokes. When it comes to your turn, tell the first part:...

A young man was going to be married

so he asked his father if he could give his fiance his deceased mother's ring. This was fine with the father.

The father decided to have it appraised for insurance purposes. He asked a lady friend who was a well-known jeweler to do the appraisal; she accepted, and said that her fee would be s...

Getting married next week

I told my fiance I'll set a date the day I see the Queen jump out of a helicopter.

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A man is about to get married, and his friends want to take him to a strip club for his bachelor party.

A man is about to get married, and his friends want to take him to a strip club for his bachelor party.

The man is worried, since his fiance is a virgin and he has abstained from sex since they started dating. His buddies assure him it will be just a few lap dances and nothing more. As one o...

Just saw my ex

saw the girl I had a crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

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Welcome to Jamaica, enjoy your stay

A guy asks his fiance to marry him. She says okay, but only if you get a tattoo of my name on your dick. The guy agrees and gets "Wendy" tattooed on his dick. When he has a soft one you could only see "WY"

They ends up going to Jamaica for their honeymoon. The guy goes into the bathroom and ...

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An insecure engaged man wants to prove his devotion to his wife by getting her name tattooed on his penis...

An insecure engaged man wants to prove his devotion to his wife by getting her name tattooed on his penis. His fiance has been with many black men and he felt like he couldn't measure up to them.

He went to his local parlor and explained his idea, and the tattoo artist said "I've done this b...

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A joke about black aviation.

So my cousin is in aviation school. He decided to learn how to fly so he can propose to his fiance. Anyway almost all of the other students in his class are black people. Nothing wrong with that, it was just weird because it's in an area with very few african americans. So it's weird to see that man...

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