A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

My parents made me go to Stockholm with them on holiday...

... I didn’t like it at first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Parent Teacher conference

A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."



The father asks, "What happened?"

"Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 \* 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 \* 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" a...

I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.

Edit: 3 children

Edit: 2

Edit: 1

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.

They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Samuel L. Jackson doesn't call his parents Mom and Dad.

He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?

Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet

I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was a kid?

Moved the furniture around.

Today I saw my parents

I already have the chainsaw ready

My parents won’t stop yelling at me for not being straight

I just can’t help it if I slouch sometimes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

Asked My Parents if I was an accident

Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter...

So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.

My parents told me to like manlier things more since I’m a guy.

So I did.

And that, kids, is how I fell in love with your father.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. John...

You know what you should do? Punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

("Dude, that joke is so old")

But not the parents.

I think my parents were fans of Bob Ross

They keep calling me their happy little accident

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parent's room...

catching them having sex so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making a cake” and they send him away. So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothe...

My parents were both 4 feet tall...

They struggled to put food on the table.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A few days after his 10th birthday, Little Johnny’s parents sit him down for a talk ...

Dad: “Johnny, you are ten years old, and in a few months you will have a little sister. It’s time you learned where babies come from.”

Johnny: “Mom! Dad! Not again! Last year, you told me Santa wasn’t real. The year before, it was the tooth fairy. Are you about to tell me that people don’t ac...

I think my parents are the funniest people in the world

They made a joke 19 years ago, and people are still laughing at it.

Parents: "We don't know how else to tell you. You're adopted. Your actual parents are from Alaska."

Kid: "Inuit all along!"

How much did it cost Hydra to kill Tony Stark's parents?

One Buck.

My parents bought that light that turns on or off when you clap

They must be so happy about it that they can't stop turning it on and off in the night.

Apparently, when I was born the doctor told my parents that I was born with a lot of potential

Well I must of touched something grounded thereafter

My Girlfriend & My Parents

My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter.

Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.

As a parent I never want to have to bury my children

So I had them both cremated

When I was a kid my parents told me "never open the cellar door"

One day they went out , so I sneaked up to it and pushed it open and saw wonderful things I had never seen before .



Like grass, trees, the sun, the sky .

My parents like my girlfriend so much...

... that they treat her like a daughter.

They even started giving her advices on how to find a good candidate for a husband.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BECOMING IRISH

Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..


"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher,
"so from now on you will be known as Mick."

Mohammad returned hom...

As a parent, the worst thing about losing a child is...

having them find their way back home.

Here is a word for "walking in on your parents on your birthday right as they are climaxing"

Traumatiming

What do bartenders and anti-vaccination parents have in common?

They don't give shots to kids!

A LITTLE girl was at a wedding with her parents.

Slightly confused after the nuptials, she asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. “What do you mean?” asked the mother, perplexed.

“Well,” the little girl said, “She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.”

My girlfriend told me I sound kind of weird when I refer to her parents as father and mother

She told me it's best to shorten it to sound more young and modern

Her parents didn't take it well when I said "Good morning, Fat and Moth"

3 things parents don't want their daughter to say...

I am pregnant.

I am doing drugs.

Bing is a reliable searching platform.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A little boy crawls under the covers while his parents are asleep

The dad wakes up and notices the boy is staring in between the mothers legs.
"What's that dad?" Asks the boy inquisitively.
"It's a pussy and a cunt" replies the dad.
"Can I touch it?" Asks the boy
"NO!" Shouts the dad. "If you touch the pussy the cunt will wake up!"

what did Helen Keller‘s parents do when she was bad?

They made her read a cheese grater.

A young man is visiting his girlfriend at her parent's home for the first time...

He's looking for a cup to make some tea in when he notices a long row of handmade cups, each inscribed with what seems like half-words. Just then the girlfriend's mother walks in, and he asks her what the deal with the cups are.

"Oh those. They are our family cups, one for each member, they'v...

When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist

That kid didn't help at all.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man was visiting his girlfriends parents for the first time.

As they ate dinner, he felt the need to pass gas, but he held it in quite a while. As the night wore on, he couldn't stand it, so he tried to let out just a little bit.

"Eeeep!"

The girls mother looks sharply at the dog and says "Spot!"

Twenty minutes go by, and he decid...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was pressured by his parents to attend a formal gathering...

Everything was going fairly well. He was largely being ignored, which was for the best so he avoided saying anything to embarrass himself.
Unfortunately, he had been holding in a nearly full bladder full a while and it could not wait until the end of the party. he had no choice but to walk up to ...

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

My parents always tell me that money doesn't grow on trees.

So then why do banks have branches?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently came out to my parents as asexual. They were very supportive.

My dad responded: "That's great son, you do you"

Parents be like:

"When we were your age, we finished our decade in 5 years"

Were your parents comedians?

Because you're a joke.

Little Johnny’s parents told him never to look at nude women, or he’d become a statue

Johnny remembered this for all his childhood, and even as a teenager. One day, Johnny and his friend, Will were at the beach. Will then pointed out an attractive voluptuous woman sunbathing in the nude. Will kept staring, but Johnny ran away.

‘Johnny!’ called Will ‘What’s the matter? Didn’t y...

My parents got called into a conference with my math teacher

I wasn’t submitting homework and I was skipping questions on my tests. It’s no problem though; I’m in the clear. They explained to him that we are atheists so he can’t make me solve exponential functions due to the fact we don’t believe in higher powers.

My parents went to China for vacation

and all I got was this lousy- cough, cough, cough...

Entitled Parent Joke

So I was at a restaurant with my family and this woman came up with a child. She looked about 40 with blonde hair. The child looked about 5 with also blonde hair. The child was crying at the time and the woman started to nag at us. Apparently, the child wanted a dessert and, lucky for us, we were th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you tell your strictly religious parents you're doing porn without disappointing them?

"I do full time missionary work"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bel...

How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend to his parents?

Meet Patty

A little boy goes to the zoo for the first time with his parents ....

They go by the elephant pen and the little boy asks his mother, "mommy, what is that thing hanging down?" She replies, "that's his trunk." The little boy says, "no, mommy .... hanging down toward the back!" She quickly replies, "oh, that's the tail." The little boy asks, "noooo, mommy, in front ...

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, Ill bring my MP5

More bad news for parents

Apparently some kids never leave home

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I walked in on my parents having sex.

It was the most embarrassing 45 minutes of my life.

My parents treat me like a god...

...they don't believe in me.

Parenting is easy, I swear

Whenever I say a bad word, I have to put a dollar in the swear jar, and at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad

I just got in trouble from my parents for yelling "What the duck!"

They told me I'm not to use fowl language

What do you call a parent who denies their child birth control?

Grandparent!

having poor parents is actually quite nice sometimes

Since teachers assume we are living on the streets, they don't give me any homework anymore.

Today was my birthday and my parents gave me a whistle as a gift...

Oh man!!! this thing blows

P.s. : excuse my English, not my first language

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad got incarcerated for assault during a parent teacher meeting.

He stood on principal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought my parents were buying me a car for Christmas

And all I got was a shitty toy Yoda.

Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that

two wrongs don’t make a right?

Don't you hate people that are famous only because of their parents...

I mean Jesus!

My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path

They let me pick which medical school I'm going to

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

When I was younger my parents made me walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

What do you get when you cross alcohol with an unstable parent ?

Beats me

my girlfriends parents are very religious

the first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren't allowed to sleep together

It was a bit of a shame he was very attractive

My parents were magicians

They did the disappearing act very well

A girl goes to a psychiatrist and complains, “I don’t want to marry, I am educated, independent and self sufficient. I don’t need a husband but my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”

Psychiatrist: “You, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life. But sometimes you will not go in the way you want. Sometimes you will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail. Sometimes your plan won’t work. Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled. Then whom will you blame? Will you blame yourself?”...

Advanced parenting

Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes in Christmas wrapping paper. When your child misbehaves, toss one into the fire.

I hate when people with abusive parents say they can't fight

Like dude, were you even paying attention?

Parents: Son, you’re adopted

Son: Woah I wonder who my real parents are.

Parents: WE are your real parents. Your NEW parents are on their way.

I didn't volunteer in the Army - I was forced to join by parents

I wasn't going to make life easy for anyone. During my medical tests, the doctor asked softly,

Can you read the letters on the wall?

What letters? I answered shrewdly.

"Good", said the doctor.

"You passed the hearing test."

Co-parenting

Wife to Husband, explaining the importance of coparenting the children: “it is important that when kids hear their parents, they hear one voice.”

(Husband nodding in agreement)

Wife: “..and that voice should be mine”.

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

I asked my parents if I was adopted.

They said, “Hell no, why would we pick you?”

What do you call a baby who’s parents are siblings?

An Alabamination.

Why do electricians periodically call their parents just to bad mouth them?

So they stay grounded.

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”


“No way. It’s just too ri...

What do the children of anti-vaxx parents and dark humor have in common?

It never gets old.

A man was found guilty of murdering his parents

He asked the judge for leniency because he was an orphan.

A woman said to her husband "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?"

So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.

What did the Star Wars fan say to his parents after he learned that they were getting separated?

May divorce be with you

If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be...

How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?

There is nothing more embarrassing than your parents entering your room in the morning when you have an erection

in your mouth...

Divorcing parents

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” 'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any...

A boy was eating dinner with his parents, after having learned fractions at school.

Wanting to show off, he tried to apply some of what he learned:


Dad: Alright son, how do you want a full burger for dinner?


Son: Can i just half one half please?


Dad: Sure thing!


Mom: Do you want some juice?


Son (with a grin): Can i g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am writing a film script about going back in time to stop Hitler's parents meeting at the Austrian Enchantment ‘Under The Sea' dance.

It's called 'Back to the Fuhrer’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today's National Coming Out Day, so I sat down with my parents

After a lot of difficult, I finally worked up the courage to tell them they're gay.

A friend from school came to visit my parents farm. He saw their horse and asked if he could go for a ride. The horse had no saddle so I asked, "You going to ride bareback?"

He replied, "I just want to ride, I don't care what the horse's name is."

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ...

and no one showed up.

Why do we never meet the parents of trans ppl?

Because they are trans-parent

A guy gives flowers to all of his family. To his wife he gives roses, to his parents he gives orchids, to his daughters he gives daisies.

And to his sons, he gives sunflowers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

UK has some weird laws

1. You can join the army at 16. But you can't by call of duty till your 18.
2. You can't vote till your 16 .yet some MPs will Shag you if your under 16.
3. You need parental consent to marry if your under 18. (In England) But can have sex at 16.
4. It is legal to shoot a Scotsman under cer...

Are your parents soap and hard water?

Because you are a scum!

My son and I are up at our parents house for Thanksgiving.

My father is a minister, but he keeps some bottles of rum in his office.

We took one and we’ve been sharing it for hours.

It’s great.

Just a father, a son, and a holy spirit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history

It’s full of s&m porn.

Mom says: well what are we going to do?

Dad says: what do you mean?

Mom says: well.. we can’t *spank* him.

I’ve never understood why so many rich parents buy second hand Ferraris for their spoilt children

Why would you want two things that are twenty years old and don’t work?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer with one cow lives in a tiny farm with his wife, and three sons.

One morning he stepped outside to milk the cow, only to find it stiff and unmistakenably dead in its meadow. The farmer drops down in despair.

'How am I supposed to support my family without our only source of income?', he exclaims. In utter disbelief he walks to the shed, grabs his shotgun, ...

50% of parenting

is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.