A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

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Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

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After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

I wonder what my parents did before the internet

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either

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My parents raised me as an only child

Which really pissed my brother off

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

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When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.

Thank you Jesus!

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

My parents are the funniest people in the world

They made a joke 21 years ago and people are still laughing at it.

Imagine NOT being a failure to your parents

Then step back into reality

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My parents changed sex

Since both my parents changed sex, I can't see them any more. They became transparents.

I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.

Edit: 3 children

Edit: 2

Edit: 1

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

I went in my son's room today and told him he was adopted. He said "I knew it, who are my parents?"

...I told him he didn't understand... we were his parents, and he had ten minutes to pack.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

Scientists discovered that brains of male parents irreversibly change after their first child was born

They become brain-dad

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Samuel L. Jackson doesn't call his parents Mom and Dad.

### He calls them Mother and Motherfucker.

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Little Johnny goes to the circus with his parents...

As soon as they get to their seats, Johnny’s Dad gets up and says, “I’m going to grab a beer, I’ll be right back.”

Right in front of Johnny is the biggest elephant he had ever seen. “Hey Mom, you see that big elephant right there?” She looks over, “Why yes Johnny, I sure do!” And Johnny says,...

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I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.

They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual

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Parent Teacher conference

A boy tells his father, "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."



The father asks, "What happened?"

"Well she asks me, 'how much is 7 \* 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 \* 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" a...

My parents are forcing me to choose between a Xiaomi phone or an Honor phone

It's Mi way or the Huawei

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What did the butter say to his parents?

“Mom, Dad,
I’m Ghee”

Studies suggest that parents can do 1/3 of their kids’ math assignments

However, they struggle with the other 3/4

My parents got me the cheapest circumcision available

It was a rip off

My parents thought I was joking when I came out to them.

I could not say it with a straight face.

A kid at church with his parents turned to his mom and said “mom I have to go pee” she looked back and said “we’re in church don’t say pee say whisper”

So the next weekend he looked at his dad and said “dad I need to whisper” and his dad said “do it in my ear”

Humpty Dumpty, grumpy parent edition

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty shouldn't've been there at all.

Humpty Dumpty wasn't very tall,

So Humpty Dumpty of course had a fall.

My parents said I could go outside but had to stay 6 feet away from everyone

So I went for a nice walk around the cemetery

The new teacher is asking kids about their parents.

Teacher says "Suzie what does your daddy do?"

Suzie says "My daddy drives a truck."

Teacher says "Mikey what does your daddy do?"

Mikey says "My daddy is an accountant."

Teacher says "Joey what does your daddy do?"

Joey says "My daddy is a police officer."

T...

When the time comes, I want to bury my parents when they die.

So I can let them down for one last time.

Growing up I told my parents I wanted to be a comedian and they laughed at me

Well now I am one they’re not laughing anymore!

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While playing superhero's with my friend he told me his parents were transparent

I replied: "You mean invisible?" He said "No, my mom's beard is growing faster than my dad's tits".

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So I confessed to my parents that I like trains

I told them I was Metro Sexual

Today is my parents 44th wedding anniversary! And all I can think it is…

Why did they get married so many times?

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When I was growing up I accidentally walked in on my parents having sex

That was the most awkward 30 minutes of my life

Asked My Parents if I was an accident

Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

When I was growing up, my parents would tell me, "The sky is the limit"

They weren't supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.

What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?

Mumbai

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The frustrated parents of an acting-out adolescent go to a developmental therapist for advice on how to handle their kid.

"We don't get it, doc," the father begins, "A couple of months ago, she just stopped talking to us."

"Completely locked us out of everything," the mother continues, "We didn't change anything or do anything different, but it's like a switch was flipped, or something."

The therapist, st...

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When I was a kid my parents told me "never open the basement door"

One day they went out , so I sneaked up to it and pushed it open and saw wonderful things I had never seen before.



Like trees, the sun, the sky.

My parents said I can get a dinosaur for my birthday!!

Update: They gave me a parrot..

My parents

My parents grew to like my girlfriend so much, they take her as their own daughter. Now they started looking for a proper boyfriend for her.

How did you get circumcised? My parents went for the cheap option.

It was a ripoff.

In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking weed while the parents left the house

I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)

A woman is preparing a French dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his hou...

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

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What's the hardest part of being an anti-vax parent?

Scraping those stick family decals off your rear window.

I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant.

But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

What do you call a Chinese parent you understand?

Apparently.

My parents were dwarfs...

they struggled to put food on the table their whole lives.

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So there's a little girl at the zoo with her parents

The little girl see 2 monkeys fucking right so she asks her mom "What are they doing mommy? " the mom then says "They're baking a cake sweetheart "

Later on there way back home the little girl sees 2 dogs fucking she asks "What are they doing mommy?" Then the mom says " They are baking a cake...

Parents should wake their kids up early tomorrow and tell them to get ready for school because coronavirus was canceled

April Fool's

I met my girlfriend's parents last weekend.

Me: I'm a big fan of your work.

When I was sitting indoors I wondered what did my parents did during the SARS outbreak without internet

I asked my 16 brothers and sisters and they couldn’t think of anything either

My parents were murdered

And the detective was a duck
Luckily he quacked the case in the end

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she was a kid?

Moved the furniture around.

Billy’s parents were about to leave for a business trip

They told Billy he would be staying at his grandma’s house for the week and they dropped him off on their way to the airport. Once his parents’ car had left the driveway, Billy started sobbing intensely.
His grandma asked “Billy, what’s wrong? Are you homesick?”
Billy replied “No. I’m heresic...

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My parents conceived me on a waterbed

Which explains my fear of drowning, while my parents are having sex

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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

At least anti-vaxxer parents won't have to worry about the coronavirus

Their kids already died from preventable diseases years ago.

I think my parents were fans of Bob Ross

They keep calling me their happy little accident

Why are all the parents going cross-eyed during the quarantine?

They can't control their pupils.

My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter...

So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.

Parents: "You better go home."

Post Malone: "Naw."

Parents: "HOME, MALONE!"

Post Malone: "Yeah aight..."

After getting a huge bonus at work, I used it to fund my parents' trip to a beach resort in the Caribbean.

They spent a week enjoying the son's raise.

My parents treat me like a god...

...they don't believe in me.

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

My parents told me to like manlier things more since I’m a guy.

So I did.

And that, kids, is how I fell in love with your father.

Parents: "We don't know how else to tell you. You're adopted. Your actual parents are from Alaska."

Kid: "Inuit all along!"

Apparently, when I was born the doctor told my parents that I was born with a lot of potential

Well I must of touched something grounded thereafter

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Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parent's room...

catching them having sex so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making a cake” and they send him away. So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother's room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brothe...

Here is a word for "walking in on your parents on your birthday right as they are climaxing"

Traumatiming

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[NSFW] A few days after his 10th birthday, Little Johnny’s parents sit him down for a talk ...

Dad: “Johnny, you are ten years old, and in a few months you will have a little sister. It’s time you learned where babies come from.”

Johnny: “Mom! Dad! Not again! Last year, you told me Santa wasn’t real. The year before, it was the tooth fairy. Are you about to tell me that people don’t ac...

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BECOMING IRISH

Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..


"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher,
"so from now on you will be known as Mick."

Mohammad returned hom...

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A family councilor was having a group discussion with several parents and their children.

Councilor: You, parents, have named your kids after something you greatly value.

Parent 1: Oh, so I named my daughter Shelby because I like cars?

Councilor: Yes, that's the right idea.

Parent 2: And I named my girl Ruby because I love jewelry!

Councilor: That's correct....

What do bartenders and anti-vaccination parents have in common?

They don't give shots to kids!

Millennial milestone: I finally moved out of my parents and moved in with my girlfriend. Her parents were supportive, too...

They even let us bring food upstairs.

When I was younger my parents sent me to a child psychologist

That kid didn't help at all.

I’ve been killing rich parents, throwing spiders at nerdy teens, dumping acid on kids, and calling disabled people mutants.

I haven’t created a superhero yet, but it better happen soon because I need to be stopped.

How much did it cost Hydra to kill Tony Stark's parents?

One Buck.

As a parent I never want to have to bury my children

So I had them both cremated

As a parent, the worst thing about losing a child is...

having them find their way back home.

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There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bel...

A young man is visiting his girlfriend at her parent's home for the first time...

He's looking for a cup to make some tea in when he notices a long row of handmade cups, each inscribed with what seems like half-words. Just then the girlfriend's mother walks in, and he asks her what the deal with the cups are.

"Oh those. They are our family cups, one for each member, they'v...

3 things parents don't want their daughter to say...

I am pregnant.

I am doing drugs.

Bing is a reliable searching platform.

My parents like my girlfriend so much...

... that they treat her like a daughter.

They even started giving her advices on how to find a good candidate for a husband.

I just got in trouble from my parents for yelling "What the duck!"

They told me I'm not to use fowl language

My parents bought that light that turns on or off when you clap

They must be so happy about it that they can't stop turning it on and off in the night.

How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend to his parents?

Meet Patty

A teacher asked his students a math question.

"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?"

After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front.

"One dollar!" she said.

The teacher, conflicted on why the girl can't add, expla...

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[NSFW] A little boy crawls under the covers while his parents are asleep

The dad wakes up and notices the boy is staring in between the mothers legs.
"What's that dad?" Asks the boy inquisitively.
"It's a pussy and a cunt" replies the dad.
"Can I touch it?" Asks the boy
"NO!" Shouts the dad. "If you touch the pussy the cunt will wake up!"

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A young man was visiting his girlfriends parents for the first time.

As they ate dinner, he felt the need to pass gas, but he held it in quite a while. As the night wore on, he couldn't stand it, so he tried to let out just a little bit.

"Eeeep!"

The girls mother looks sharply at the dog and says "Spot!"

Twenty minutes go by, and he decid...

A LITTLE girl was at a wedding with her parents.

Slightly confused after the nuptials, she asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. “What do you mean?” asked the mother, perplexed.

“Well,” the little girl said, “She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.”

I won't do any threesome.

If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would just have dinner with my parents.

what did Helen Keller‘s parents do when she was bad?

They made her read a cheese grater.

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

When I was younger my parents made me walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path

They let me pick which medical school I'm going to

Entitled Parent Joke

So I was at a restaurant with my family and this woman came up with a child. She looked about 40 with blonde hair. The child looked about 5 with also blonde hair. The child was crying at the time and the woman started to nag at us. Apparently, the child wanted a dessert and, lucky for us, we were th...

Parents be like:

"When we were your age, we finished our decade in 5 years"

my girlfriends parents are very religious

the first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren't allowed to sleep together

It was a bit of a shame he was very attractive

What do you get when you cross alcohol with an unstable parent ?

Beats me

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A man was pressured by his parents to attend a formal gathering...

Everything was going fairly well. He was largely being ignored, which was for the best so he avoided saying anything to embarrass himself.
Unfortunately, he had been holding in a nearly full bladder full a while and it could not wait until the end of the party. he had no choice but to walk up to ...

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