I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

I saw a crying kid and asked him where his parents were.

And that's how I lost my job at the orphanage.

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Two parents want to have sex

Their 7 years old son was in the room, so they tell him to go on the balcony to play with his toys

After the boy leaves they start having fun, after about 10 minutes the husband says:

-We should talk to him while he's on the balcony, i don't want him to feel alone

-Yeah, you're ...

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A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her parents.

This is a German joke, but I think I found a way to translate it:

A girl wants to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents.
He knocks on the door and the parents together open the door and introduce themselves: "Hi, my name is Sarah and this is my husband Michael, nice to meet you!".
...

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Last night my parents walked in on me masturbating

Why they were walking around masturbating, I’ll never know.

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I walked in on my parents having sex once.

Most awkward 30 minutes of my life.

I have trans parents.

I can see right through them.

Why Einstein loved his parents and grandparents?

They were all relatives.

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A girl brought her boyfriend over for dinner to meet her parents for the first time

When they were all sitting down to eat the boy sits down at the dinner table when he notices the family dog curls up right at his feet.

Dinner is going well when all of the sudden the boy accidentally lets out a tiny fart.

"Hey Bowser!" the girl's father whispered to the dog nudging hi...

What’s yellow and comes in the morning to brighten every parent’s day?

The school bus.

I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.

What did their parents say when they heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were going to get married?

OMg

What do we call a person who watches over kids while hiding in the shadows and sneaks in the kids room when the parents are asleep?

Santa Claus

My parents named me and my sister after anagrams of things they love most...

So my sister is Teresa because they love Easter, still not worked out why I'm called Alan.

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York.

On the first day, the teacher asked him ‘what’s your name?’. The boy replied, ‘Mohammed’
‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in A...

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Meeting the Parents

A teenage boy is taken to his girlfriend's home to meet her parents for the first time. The mother hands him a piece of cake. They all sit there in silence wondering what to say, when the family dog walks in, sits down, and proceeds to lick its testicles. To break the ice, the boy looks at the girl'...

As a young sailor we were sitting around talking about what our parents do for a living one guy exclaimed, “My Dad works for the post office but my Moms a Hydroceramic Engineer”, we all oohed and aahed…

“She’s a dishwasher”

When I was little, my parents bought me a globe for my birthday.

It meant the world to me

I saw a girl crying, so I asked her “Where are your parents?” and she started crying even more.

Man, I love working at the orphanage.

What do parents say when the find out their son got arrested for setting a building on fire

“That’s arson!”

Miss Joan asks her 3rd grade students what their parents do for a living

Emily happily raises her hand and say : "Daddy's a mechanic and Mommy is a teacher like you !"

Jason then replies : "Well, my dad is a chef and my mom is her accountant"

And so on, every child answers to their best until it is little Billy's turn, who suddenly bursts into tears.
...

My parents told me that they don't have a favourite child.

It was tough, considering I am the only child.

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her naked, rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and mo...

Parents: it's a normal cough

Teachers: its a normal cough

Doctors: its a normal cough

Google: You have 3 minutes

After failing maths, Jared's parents decide to move him from the local public school to a nearby Catholic school

Within a few months, he is passing with flying colours. His parents ask him the reason behind his sudden improvement. "Was it the strict nuns, the rigour of class, the example of other students? Jared shook his head. "Well what was it then"? Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw tha...

My parents always used to criticize me for never finishing anything.

Joke’s on them, though, because now I’m 300 years old because I refuse to finish life. And another thing,

When I was a child my parents would pretend food was an airplane.

They would make me wait hours to eat.

My parents are really religious

My dad is a priest and my mom is a nun

My parents moved a lot when I was a kid

But I always found them. - Rodney Dangerfield

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Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room…

… catching them having sex so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away. So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brother...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet…

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

My parents raised me as an only child,

Which really annoyed my younger brother!

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If my parents would've told me the truth

That I got good grades and went to a good college. I could do all the drugs I wanted bang all the prostitutes I wanted without getting in trouble. I would be a politician by now.

How do parents punish their blind child?

They rearrange the furniture

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I don't have to get a job to live, I don't live in my parents house, I have sex often, I read books and workout daily!

Can't wait to get out of jail

How much did it cost HYDRA to kill Tony's parents?

1 buck

My parents made a decent living as fisherman even though they could only afford a boat made of balsa wood.

They didn't have real hardship.

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

What do you call an abusive and cosseting parent?

An Apache Attack Helicopter

I told my kids I wanted to be a trans-parent

They knew I was joking because they could see right through me

My parents have 4 TV remotes and I’m trying to figure out what they do.

I’m remote learning.

Why did Child Protective Services take Dora the Explorer away from her parents?

Because they allowed her to go off on her own with a known MAP.

There are children being born who’s parents weren’t alive when Shrek was released in 2001

It’s crazy how the years start coming and they simply don’t stop coming

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Cat parents are basically failed gold miners…

All they do is dig up shit….

A teacher's letter to a parent: "Dear Parent, Mark, your son, doesn't smell nice in school. Kindly encourage him to take his bath."

Parent replies: "Dear Teacher, Mark is not a rose flower. Don't smell him, just teach him! Thank you."

When I went away to college, my parents threw a big going-away party

At least, that’s what they said in their letter.

Little Benny was very sick, and the doctors had given up hope.

As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. While they were walking through a market, little Benny bought a lamp from a vendor.

When he arrived home, he rubbed the lamp to clean it, and, to his surprise, a genie popped out in a flash of light.

"What is it that you ...

A man buys a pack of condoms at the pharmacy...

The pharmacist says "Large pack, huh?" The guy buying says "Yeah. I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents tonight. After dinner when we go home we'll be getting it on." Later at the dinner, the guy is praying before he eats his food. His girlfriend says "I didn't know you were religious." The guy replie...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"<...

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

My parents were electricians

I was already grounded

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

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Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

A concerned parent calls their child’s pediatrician and says, “Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?”

Without missing a beat the doctor responds, “depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!”

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled at his spiky hair, pierced nose, tattoos and a bad attitude. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Honey," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Of course he is," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing...

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Angry single parent: “I’M TRYING TO BE BOTH A MOTHER AND A FATHER TO YOU!”

Little Johnny: “Go fuck yourself.”

Parents always tell their kids to say 'no' to drugs.

If you're talking to drugs already, I think it's too late.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents...

That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.

In 2007, a young girl Zimbabwean girl asked her parents for Z$20.00.

Her mom responded "Z$30.00? What do you need Z$50.00 for?"

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was.

I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member o...

Teenager is on trial for murder of both of his parents

Before ready to pass the sentence, Judge asks him: "Do you want to say anything to the court?"

And the young man says "Have mercy your highness! I am just a poor orphan!"

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On thanksgiving day, a boy overheard his parents callling each other names.

He heard his dad called him mum a bitch and his mum called his dad a bastard. The boy asked his parents what the two words meant, and they said bitch means girl and bastard means boy.

Later that day, his dad is shaving in the bathroom; he then accidentally cuts himself and says shit. The boy ...

if you were sandwiched between your parents, and you were an inch deep in your mom, and your dad was an inch deep in you, would you move forward or backward to get out?

interviewer: we meant questions about the job

Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.

Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

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My parents got mad at me for sleeping with the autistic girl next door.

I didn’t really want to, but they told me my first time should be with someone special.

Fucking hypocrites

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Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries or mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agreed with,

but I couldn't pick a side

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I can't believe how calm my parents are being about me coming out as gay.

Because the wife's going fucking mental.

Little Johnny was taken from his parents and they were deemed unfit to raise him.

He went to family court where a judge would decide his fate. Johnny had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. But johnny...

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

Having a parent who was a hairdresser had some advantages...

Getting my hair dyed at home was a personal highlight.

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.” I grunted...

“Just ignore them!”

Child walks past the parents bedroom,

looks inside and mumbles: And you want to send me to a psychologist for thumb sucking.

Low humor

My parents were Dwarfs. For years they struggled to put food on the table.

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I'm writing a film about a guy with a time machine who tries to stop Hitler's parents from meeting ...

I'm calling it 'Back to the Fuhrer'.

New parents are the worst

OBGYN: Hi, I'm here to deliver your baby.

New Parents: But but but.... we want him to keep his liver!

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents.

After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a scholar," he replies.

"A scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but wha...

My parents called me lazy

I don't get it I didn't even do anything

Parents in 2020 B.C. vs Parents in 2020 A.D.

"These kids and their damn tablets"

My parents are rich...

Edit: I’m rich and I need a shovel.

A Viking sailed across Europe challenging people to staring contests.

He was so confident in his abilities that he promised to hand over all of the gold he had pillaged to anyone who could defeat him. The news spread throughout Europe, catching the attention of a couple in Ireland whose daughter was born without eyelids.

Believing that their daughter was guaran...

My wife and I were walking out of a nice restaurant, and there was a young teen in shabby clothes asking people for their doggy bags

We immediately gave him ours. I asked, "Are you an orphan?"

He said, "Yes - what gave me away?"

I replied, "Obviously, your parents."

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All my life, my parents have told me not to open the basement door, but I got curious and disobeyed them.

What is that glowing ball in the sky and why does it hurt my eyes?

A German couple has a baby...

For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says “This soup is cold.” The parents are amazed and ask “If you can talk, why have you not spoken before?” The child replies “Up to now everything has been satisfactory!”

A lawyer is working late in his office, when suddenly Satan appears

The devil says, "I have a deal for you. I can make you a full partner in your firm and guarantee you will make tons of money for the rest of your life."

The devil continues, "But in return, you have to sign away your soul, plus your wife's soul, your children's, and your parents. You all wi...

Politics...

I recently asked my neighbors little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food ...

I went to my son’s parent teacher conference today

An unkept older man walked out and yelled to me I can go in after the trans.

I was mortified. I started saying in this day and age anyone can be whoever they want. It’s disgusting people like you who make this world a horrible place.

That’s when I saw the Vietnamese family walk out. ...

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The girl took her boyfriend home and introduced him to her parents.

The guy had a bad lunch and was feeling discomfort as he was sitting at the dining table for dinner with her parents.




Suddenly he couldn't control the discomfort, and he farted. At this moment, the girl's father looked at the dog sleeping by the boyfriend's feet and yelled "Jack...

Parenting is stressful! Parenting is a sacrifice, it’s exhausting, it’s expensive and at times it feels thankless but….

Eventually you die! -Jim Gaffigan

How are republicans and democrats like divorced parents?

They care more about you hating the other person than they do about your well-being.

When I was young, one Halloween I told my parents, "I'm going to dress up as a small island off the coast of Italy."

Exasperated, my mother said, "Don't be Sicily".

What is a parent that has disowned their child called?

A paren't

I haven't told my parents about my girlfriend yet...

She's getting married and I was invited to the wedding

I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.

Edit: 3 children

Edit: 2

Edit: 1

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day...

The first one says "My daddy is so cool he can eat four burgers at one meal".

The second one says "That's nothing. My daddy can eat six".

Little Jonny starts laughing and says "My Daddy can eat light bulbs".

The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

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A mother was walking down the hall...

... when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom, when she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are u doing?" She exclaimed!!!
The daughter replied,"I'm 35 & still living at home with my parents & this is the closest I'll e...

When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my Dad said,

"Well have you tried euthanasia?"
In the background I could hear my Mom yell, "For the last time Henry, it's pronounced 'Echinacea'! Echinacea'!!!!

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A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend at her parents house.

Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.

They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual

I used to date a comedian. Things were going great until they met my parents.

They made a bad impression.

Two parents go on a date night and leave their son at home whom seemed to love fire.

When they returned, the house was covered in flames. The parents rushed to the police and fire fighters and asked “Where’s arson?!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.

Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.'

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

My Indian girlfriend can't decide if she wants to bake bread the same way as he parents

She'll either end up as a non-conformist or a naan-conformist

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

We all need to learn to live with our mistakes.

Which is why I still live with my parents.

Some people like to call their mistakes "happy accidents."

Others get creative and give them cute little names like Nathan, or Thomas, like my parents did.

My parents laughed when I out-joked my dad.

My mother called my father a joke, and my dad said, "Not as much of a joke as our kid."

They both started laughing.

My parents are divorced, and my dad took it kinda hard

I once asked him for an xbox, and he handed me a container of my mom's stuff.

When Olivia was 24 years old, her parents gave her a kitten for her birthday. The following year, Olivia broke up with her lover, and her lover's two year old tabby cat ended up staying with Olivia.

The following year, the tabby gave birth to six kittens. A year after that, Olivia adopted an orphaned black cat she saw on Facebook. Three years later 2 stray cats moved into her apartment. How many cats does Olivia have by the age of 30?


Enough to stay single forever.

A guy murders his parents.

He is presented in front of a judge and he begs the judge to show mercy while delivering his punishment.

The judge says to him, "You killed your own parents. Why would I show mercy to you?"

The guy looks at the judge and says, "Well, because I am an orphan."

I was talking to my parents over dinner, my Mom said she was getting tired of the Bernie Sanders memes.

I looked over to her and said "Don't worry, this trend will Bern out soon."

What would you call a child born to bi-parents?

A byproduct.

I can't believe my parents support my choice of profession! I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian.

They laughed at me.

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