My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.

Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.

What do antivax parents order at a bar?

Anything but shots

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler's outbursts a "temper tantrum."

They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"

My boyfriend's parents told me "There's no way you stay in a relationship with him!"

So i said "Mom, i'm 18. You can't tell me what to do anymore."

My parents used to make me walk the plank..

..we couldnt afford a dog

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents

One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

Where do Jewish parents send their ADHD kids during the summer?

Concentration camps.

I was kicked out of the house by my Asian parents

because I got an O for my blood test instead of an A+.

I thought of this joke myself, but I'm not sure if someone else made it earlier than me.

What did our parents do to kill time before the internet?

I asked my 16 siblings and they didn't know either.


Not oc but thought I'd share.

Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front

Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet?

Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born.

Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy?

Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head.

Girl 3: Jwoandb...

What’s the toughest thing about being a vegan?

Apparently, keeping it to yourself.

When I was younger my parents used to play hide and seek with me.

It's been 30 years and I still haven't found my dad.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

so my parents were pointing around the house and they said disa chair, disa table, disa fridge....

Then they pointed at me and said disappointment

My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up

I'm an only child :(

One night a little boy walks in on his parents in the bedroom...

Shocked and surprised the mom jumps off of the dad, throws on a robe and ushers the boy out telling him to go back to bed.

Embarrassed and distraught the next day the mom tries to explain to the boy what was happening. She says "son have you noticed how your daddy's belly has been getting big...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Being a teen parent is like pooping...

That little shit always shows up when you least expect it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Young boy sneaks into his parents room while the mother was with her lover...

And hides in the closet to peek


But, the husband suddenly returns from his job


Lover jumps in the closet and meets the boy


Boy: -Its dark here

Lover: -Yeah

B: - Wanna buy my ball?

L: -No

B: - My father is right outside...

L: -How m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was younger, I used to put porn on the TV when my parents went shopping.

The Best Buy employees didn't really appreciate it though.

One day, my parents told me about the birds and the bees

"Son" they said, "birds do it, bees do it, so it's completely fine and natural for you to do it too. It's nothing to be ashamed of"

They were of course referring to my unfortunate habit of running face-first into windows.

When parents post pictures of their kids in the bath it's normal and cute

But when I save those pictures suddenly I'm a weirdo.

When i peed my pants my parents always used to say

urine a lot of trouble!

Parents: our baby won’t stop crying!

Doctor: how old is he?

Parents:one

Doctor:is he vaccinated?

Parents:no, why?

Doctor:I’m afraid he’s having a midlife crisis...

When I was growing up my parents treated me like a flower...

Self raising

My parents spin a world globe and randomly point out their next vacation destination.

That's how they drowned.

I was devastated when I found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real. Because that means it was my parents...

who molested me.



credit: Ryan Stout

My parents didn't vaccinate their kids.

Fortunately, I was adopted by them and it helped me to become their sole heir.

Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"

Parents: "arson?"


Police officer: "yes, your son"

What did the unvaccinated kid say to his parents?

Nothing

I finally realised my parents favoured my twin brother...

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party

What do rich parents tell their infants?

Gucci Gucci goo.

If I were to ever become a parent, I would never vaccinate my kids...

I'd get my doctor do it because I am not a medical professional.

My parents treat their puppers and kittys like they rule the home.

I guess they're reigning cats and dogs.

I am a parent of a one year old and I support anti vaxxer parents and super thankful of them.

They help me eliminate future competition that my kid will go against. From fortnite to Harvard.

If you, your parents, and your grandparents use reddit, I guess you could say it’s

Haredditary

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked in on my parents having sex

It was the most awkward 45 minutes of my life

I talked to my Republican parents about immigration.

The conversation really went south.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m not certain my parents’ sex life is dead.

It is concerning that my mom calls me her participation trophy though.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy wakes up in the morning and overhears his parents arguing downstairs.

“... those bitches and bastards will be coming...” is all he hears. When his parents are done arguing, he comes out of his room and asks his mom what that means. She says to him, “Oh, it just means men and women, sweetie.”

Later, the boy hears them arguing again, picking out the phrase “penis...

What't the difference between the Jonas Brothers and my parents.

The Jonas Brothers came back.

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom

and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off...

I can trace most of my problems back to my parents...I'm not sure if they hugged me too much, or too little when I was a kid.

Either way, they should have been wearing clothes.

All of the parents who claim that vaccines cause autism have nothing to be afraid of.

You can't get autism twice.

My parents called a meeting just to tell me I'm really well-suited to my environment?

I don't remember exactly what they said, but it was something like, "son, you're adapted."

Little Jimmy wakes up due to the loud sounds coming from his parents room. Little Jimmy gets there, opens the door and catches them doing it.

The mom was *riding* the father. Of course Little Jimmy being such an innocent child, he didn’t know what they were doing, so he asks his mom : -“Mom what you doing “ ... - “Your father is too fat , and he has such a big belly , so I told him to lay down, I got on top of him and started pushing and ...

Father : You were adopted! Son : I knew it. I want to meet my biological parents!

Father : We are your biological parents. The new ones are coming to pick you up in 20 minutes.

The stripper's parents didn't have faith that their daughter would go on to do something better...

They just didn't believe in destiny.

The prayer uttered most often by pet owners and parents of small children:

"Please, God, let that be chocolate."

A young man brings his new girlfriend home for dinner and to meet his parents for the first time.

After dinner Dad pulls him aside.

"You have to break it off. That girl is your sister but your momma doesn't know."

Horrified, he later tells his mom everything.

"You keep seeing her. Your daddy ain't your daddy but your daddy doesn't know."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual

They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual.

There are two types of parents...

The ones who had their child through an accidental pregnancy, and the liars.

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're ho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A son was talking to parents.

Son: "Mom, Dad I'm gay."

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: Clenches fist

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: Sweats Profusely

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

Son: "No dad, I'm serious"

Dad: "Serious? I thought you were gay."

Why does the 2 year old child of the anti-vaccine parents cry?

Midlife crisis.

What’s the difference between a newlywed Danish couple and Batman’s parents?

One couple are Wed Danes and the other are Dead Waynes.

What's the worst part about being an anti-Vaxxer parent?

Having to deal with the terrible twos and the mid life crisis at the same time.

What do anti-vaxxers and Parents Against Alchohol have in common?

They don't want you giving shots to their kids.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My parents found bondage gear that i’ve been hiding in my room

I bought bondage gear from my local sex shop and hid it under my bed.


My parents were furious when they found out and I was yelled at and spanked.

So i started leaving it out in the open.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents

They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?

Mom: That's it's trunk.

Boy: No, further back.

Mom: That's its tail.

Boy: No, in between.

Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along.

The boy i...

Why should you always hug children after they lose their parents?

It helps release endorphans.

When you're morbidly obese, you get shut down by lots of people. But the worst is when it comes from parents...

MOTHER NATURE AND FATHER TIME.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentar...

My parents didn't like the fact that I was bringing home the bacon.

Especially when our pigs kept mysteriously disappearing.

My parents got seperated when i was 9 and I hated going to my dads on weekends.

I tried telling my mom that you don't split custody when your spouse dies but she just kept dropping me off at the cemetery.

Last Christmas my parents got me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars glued to the bottom..

Cheap Skates!

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her?

They rearranged the furniture

Little Johnny's parents are concerned about his school art work.

Everything he brings home is black or brown. They take him to a psychologist to see if he is having some issues. The psychologist wants to see him at work; gives him some paper and a new box of crayons.

Johnny says "Cool. At school the only crayons we have left are black and brown."

If your parents kept an old jacket or sweater from when you were a kid.

Would that make it your child hood?

I wonder what my parents did for fun when they were younger...

I don't know, I guess I'll go ask one of my 13 siblings...

So, one day a boy hears yelling and commotion coming from his parents room

He goes into the room to investigate, and he sees his parents in the act. They begin to laugh hard, and the son runs back to his room.

A little while later, the father hears yelling and screaming coming from his son’s room. The father then goes into his room to investigate, and sees the boy...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams.

Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. ...

A guy goes to meet his girlfriend‘s parents

... and they are staying with them on the family farm for a few days. On the second day the father comes in and says “hey city-fella you look pretty bored, there’s a shotgun in the closet by the back door, why don’t you take the dogs out and go hunting.” The guy comes back in about an hour later, f...

Did you see the meme about Batman's parents?

Too late, It's already dead.

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent'shome for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! ...

What's the difference between my parents and my girlfriend?

I don't need to take my pants off to disappoint my parents.

Also, my parents are real.

I wasn't going to visit my parents this xmas, but my mom promised she'd make me eggs benedict

So I'm going home for the hollandaise

There were once 2 anti-vaccine parents.

They ain't parents no more

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If either of my parents got a sex change, I would NEVER see them again...

because they'd be transparent.

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography…

What's worse than learning that your parents are swingers?

Coming upon them at a party.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My 9-year-old told me his teacher said I'm a bad parent.

"Right," I said. "Finish your pint and we'll go and have it out with the cunt."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny is playing upstairs, he gets hungry so he goes to the kitchen and hears his parents arguing.

His dad calls his mom a bitch and his mom calls his dad a bastard. His dad storms out of the room so Johnny figures it's ok to go in, he decides to ask his mom about the new words he heard. His mom is taken aback, but she thinks quickly and tells him that a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlem...

What did the kid of the stoner parents get after the divorce?

Marijuana possession

I’m broke, sad and a disappointment to my parents. But at least I’m not in debt

That’s the one thing I’m given credit for

A boy is meeting his girlfriend's posh parents...

GF's uppity mom: So Tom, what do your parents do ?

Tom: They are in the iron and steal business.

Mom: Oh that's an interesting combination for a business.. What do they do exactly?

Tom: Yeah, my mom irons and my father steals.

(As heard in The House on the Left, 1972)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Timmy was being raised by his single mother

When one day she sat him down and explains to him that she’s given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands.

It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My parents wouldn't accept me

I came out to my parents last night. I told them I was attracted to fair prices and good deals and discounts. They scoffed at me and told me that I was delusional.
I don't think they'll ever accept the fact that I'm buysexual.

Study reveals a fifth of parents regret how they named their children.

Then Study goes directly to bed because I'm raising him to be an early riser.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy came home from school and told his parents that he’d had sex with his English teacher...

His father stood to the side while his mother, who was furious, told him he was grounded and to go to his room until they calmed down and could talk to him about it more in depth.

After the kid was in his room for awhile his Dad quietly came in. He said, “Son, what you did... it’s not okay. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day little Johnny came back early from school and walked in on his parents having sex

One day little johnny came back early from school and walked in on his parents having sex. The parents got flustered and got dressed in haste.

"Why are you jumping on daddy?" asked Johnny.

"Daddy has a big belly, so mommy is trying to help flatten it for him".

4 months go past a...

Do you know why I don't do threesomes?

Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.

What's the difference between a Danish married couple and Batman's parents?

One is a pair of wed Danes, and the other is a pair of dead Wanes.


(Sorry if this is a repost but I got this from a friend over text. So thanks for the joke u/Bag_of_cheese)

You’re more genetically related to your parents than they are to each other

Or at least so I hope.

An European court banned parents from naming their kid Nutella.

They stopped a stupid name before it could spread.

Why was the little duckling taken away from his parents?

They were quack addicts