I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

I saw a crying kid and asked him where his parents were.

And that's how I lost my job at the orphanage.

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

What’s yellow and comes in the morning to brighten every parent’s day?

The school bus.

What do parents say when the find out their son got arrested for setting a building on fire

“That’s arson!”

After failing maths, Jared's parents decide to move him from the local public school to a nearby Catholic school

Within a few months, he is passing with flying colours. His parents ask him the reason behind his sudden improvement. "Was it the strict nuns, the rigour of class, the example of other students? Jared shook his head. "Well what was it then"? Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw tha...

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Two parents want to have sex

Their 7 years old son was in the room, so they tell him to go on the balcony to play with his toys

After the boy leaves they start having fun, after about 10 minutes the husband says:

-We should talk to him while he's on the balcony, i don't want him to feel alone

-Yeah, you're ...

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Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room…

… catching them having sex so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away. So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brothers room so he walks in and catches his brother and his brother...

Miss Joan asks her 3rd grade students what their parents do for a living

Emily happily raises her hand and say : "Daddy's a mechanic and Mommy is a teacher like you !"

Jason then replies : "Well, my dad is a chef and my mom is her accountant"

And so on, every child answers to their best until it is little Billy's turn, who suddenly bursts into tears.
...

My parents told me that they don't have a favourite child.

It was tough, considering I am the only child.

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her naked, rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and mo...

My parents made a decent living as fisherman even though they could only afford a boat made of balsa wood.

They didn't have real hardship.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet…

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

My parents raised me as an only child,

Which really annoyed my younger brother!

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If my parents would've told me the truth

That I got good grades and went to a good college. I could do all the drugs I wanted bang all the prostitutes I wanted without getting in trouble. I would be a politician by now.

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Telling the girlfriend's parents that you fuck their daughter like a wild marten in gooseberries is unacceptable.

Instead, tell them that you are trying for a baby, and then everyone will celebrate.

Why did Child Protective Services take Dora the Explorer away from her parents?

Because they allowed her to go off on her own with a known MAP.

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Cat parents are basically failed gold miners…

All they do is dig up shit….

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I don't have to get a job to live, I don't live in my parents house, I have sex often, I read books and workout daily!

Can't wait to get out of jail

My parents have 4 TV remotes and I’m trying to figure out what they do.

I’m remote learning.

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

There are children being born who’s parents weren’t alive when Shrek was released in 2001

It’s crazy how the years start coming and they simply don’t stop coming

How do parents punish their blind child?

They rearrange the furniture

When I went away to college, my parents threw a big going-away party

At least, that’s what they said in their letter.

A teacher's letter to a parent: "Dear Parent, Mark, your son, doesn't smell nice in school. Kindly encourage him to take his bath."

Parent replies: "Dear Teacher, Mark is not a rose flower. Don't smell him, just teach him! Thank you."

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

My parents were electricians

I was already grounded

A concerned parent calls their child’s pediatrician and says, “Recently my child has started eating power cords. What should I do?”

Without missing a beat the doctor responds, “depending on the current situation at home you need to ground him until he can conduct himself appropriately!”

I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids

The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.

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Angry single parent: “I’M TRYING TO BE BOTH A MOTHER AND A FATHER TO YOU!”

Little Johnny: “Go fuck yourself.”

I finally made a social media account, but my only followers were my parents.

Maybe I should try branching out from OnlyFans.

Little Johnny was taken from his parents and they were deemed unfit to raise him.

He went to family court where a judge would decide his fate. Johnny had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. But johnny...

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled at his spiky hair, pierced nose, tattoos and a bad attitude. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Honey," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Of course he is," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing...

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On thanksgiving day, a boy overheard his parents callling each other names.

He heard his dad called him mum a bitch and his mum called his dad a bastard. The boy asked his parents what the two words meant, and they said bitch means girl and bastard means boy.

Later that day, his dad is shaving in the bathroom; he then accidentally cuts himself and says shit. The boy ...

Teenager is on trial for murder of both of his parents

Before ready to pass the sentence, Judge asks him: "Do you want to say anything to the court?"

And the young man says "Have mercy your highness! I am just a poor orphan!"

Having a parent who was a hairdresser had some advantages...

Getting my hair dyed at home was a personal highlight.

Parents always tell their kids to say 'no' to drugs.

If you're talking to drugs already, I think it's too late.

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

In 2007, a young girl Zimbabwean girl asked her parents for Z$20.00.

Her mom responded "Z$30.00? What do you need Z$50.00 for?"

New parents are the worst

OBGYN: Hi, I'm here to deliver your baby.

New Parents: But but but.... we want him to keep his liver!

I got booed off of the stage at the start of my comedy act for saying that I still live with my parents...

That's the last time I do a gig at an orphanage.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

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Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

if you were sandwiched between your parents, and you were an inch deep in your mom, and your dad was an inch deep in you, would you move forward or backward to get out?

interviewer: we meant questions about the job

A baby is born with no arms or legs and no torso. In fact he is just a head. But his parents loved and adored him and cared for him all through his childhood..

When he turned 18 his dad took him down to the local pub for his first pint of beer. He took his first sip and “whoosh” his torso appeared. He took a second sip and his arms and legs appeared.

He was so excited he stood up and ran outside into the road where he was knocked over by an...

When I had dinner with my parents at a restaurant, they argued over whether we should get french fries or mashed potatoes to go with the steak. They asked me whom I agreed with,

but I couldn't pick a side

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I can't believe how calm my parents are being about me coming out as gay.

Because the wife's going fucking mental.

The problem with growing up with trans parents

Is that you can't see them.

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

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When I was younger, I didn't want to imagine my parents having sex...

So I'd watch them while hiding in their bedroom closet.

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I'm writing a film about a guy with a time machine who tries to stop Hitler's parents from meeting ...

I'm calling it 'Back to the Fuhrer'.

He wants to scare his parents.

**Johnny’s father:** Let me see your report card.
**Johnny:** I don’t have it.
**Johnny’s father:** Why not?
**Johnny:** My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

Parenting is stressful! Parenting is a sacrifice, it’s exhausting, it’s expensive and at times it feels thankless but….

Eventually you die! -Jim Gaffigan

When I was young, one Halloween I told my parents, "I'm going to dress up as a small island off the coast of Italy."

Exasperated, my mother said, "Don't be Sicily".

Two parents go on a date night and leave their son at home whom seemed to love fire.

When they returned, the house was covered in flames. The parents rushed to the police and fire fighters and asked “Where’s arson?!”

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Daughters vibrator.

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with ...

What is a parent that has disowned their child called?

A paren't

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents.

After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a scholar," he replies.

"A scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but wha...

My parents called me lazy

I don't get it I didn't even do anything

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Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

My parents are rich...

Edit: I’m rich and I need a shovel.

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All my life, my parents have told me not to open the basement door, but I got curious and disobeyed them.

What is that glowing ball in the sky and why does it hurt my eyes?

I haven't told my parents about my girlfriend yet...

She's getting married and I was invited to the wedding

A young man went to a pharmacy to buy some condoms.

The pharmacist went up to him and told him that they sell condoms in packs of 4, 8, and 16.

The Man said: "I'm going out with my girlfriend to meet her parents, and then I'm taking her to my house. I really think I'm going to get lucky, so you'd better give me the 16 pack."

Later that ...

This is why divorce rates are always increasing

Why did I get divorced, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy b...

My Indian girlfriend can't decide if she wants to bake bread the same way as he parents

She'll either end up as a non-conformist or a naan-conformist

My parents moved a lot when I was a kid.

But I always found them.

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.” I grunted...

“Just ignore them!”

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My parents got mad at me for sleeping with the autistic girl next door.

I didn’t really want to, but they told me my first time should be with someone special.

Fucking hypocrites

Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.

Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it

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The girl took her boyfriend home and introduced him to her parents.

The guy had a bad lunch and was feeling discomfort as he was sitting at the dining table for dinner with her parents.




Suddenly he couldn't control the discomfort, and he farted. At this moment, the girl's father looked at the dog sleeping by the boyfriend's feet and yelled "Jack...

Parents in 2020 B.C. vs Parents in 2020 A.D.

"These kids and their damn tablets"

I used to date a comedian. Things were going great until they met my parents.

They made a bad impression.

I went to my son’s parent teacher conference today

An unkept older man walked out and yelled to me I can go in after the trans.

I was mortified. I started saying in this day and age anyone can be whoever they want. It’s disgusting people like you who make this world a horrible place.

That’s when I saw the Vietnamese family walk out. ...

Child walks past the parents bedroom,

looks inside and mumbles: And you want to send me to a psychologist for thumb sucking.

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The virgin bride

A nice Italian girl got married. The had their honeymoon in the brides parents house. When the time came for bed, they went upstairs to her room. The groom proceeded to take off his coat and shirt. He was extremely hairy.

The bride rushed from the room and down to her mother.

"Ma...

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.

Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people....

My parents laughed when I out-joked my dad.

My mother called my father a joke, and my dad said, "Not as much of a joke as our kid."

They both started laughing.

My parents are divorced, and my dad took it kinda hard

I once asked him for an xbox, and he handed me a container of my mom's stuff.

When Olivia was 24 years old, her parents gave her a kitten for her birthday. The following year, Olivia broke up with her lover, and her lover's two year old tabby cat ended up staying with Olivia.

The following year, the tabby gave birth to six kittens. A year after that, Olivia adopted an orphaned black cat she saw on Facebook. Three years later 2 stray cats moved into her apartment. How many cats does Olivia have by the age of 30?


Enough to stay single forever.

When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my Dad said,

"Well have you tried euthanasia?"
In the background I could hear my Mom yell, "For the last time Henry, it's pronounced 'Echinacea'! Echinacea'!!!!

I can't believe my parents support my choice of profession! I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian.

They laughed at me.

When I graduated high school, my parents enrolled me in medical research

It was a 4-year study of sleep deprivation and alcohol consumption.

Sure, they called it "college", but I knew otherwise.

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

I was talking to my parents over dinner, my Mom said she was getting tired of the Bernie Sanders memes.

I looked over to her and said "Don't worry, this trend will Bern out soon."

A guy murders his parents.

He is presented in front of a judge and he begs the judge to show mercy while delivering his punishment.

The judge says to him, "You killed your own parents. Why would I show mercy to you?"

The guy looks at the judge and says, "Well, because I am an orphan."

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you 'I'll give you something to cry about!'

and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?

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I heard a girl crying in my driveway, so I went out to ask her “Where are your parents?”

She said Fuck you Dad being adopted isn't funny.

My parents seemed upset when I told them about my new girlfriend.

So what if she's a miner?

What would you call a child born to bi-parents?

A byproduct.

They put in a roundabout on my route to my parents' house.

It really threw me for a loop.

Note: tried this on my parents that night and went right over their heads.

How are republicans and democrats like divorced parents?

They care more about you hating the other person than they do about your well-being.

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner...

...There was a mom potato, dad potato, and three daughter potatoes. The oldest daughter potato said "I have exciting news! I'm getting married!"

The family bustled with excitement. "We're so happy for you!" said dad potato, "who is the lucky fellow?"

"He's an Idaho potato," said the el...

I hate that parents keep asking me to watch After My Kids

I've looked it up a dozen times, and there is no such movie/show with that name.

Never, EVER be late

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words wh...

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A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend at her parents house.

Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

When I was small my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager

It wasn't until I was 18 I realised I had been Fostered

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I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.

They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

Got home unannounced from college to find my parents had taken a vacation and not left the keys behind. Not a problem though, all I’ve got to do is talk to the door lock...

... because communication is key

My parents are so poor

They can't even pay attention to me

When I was a boy my parents told me I could do anything...

...so I gave up.

My parents are very unfair... they scolded me for something I didn't even do!

My homework.

I keep telling my parents how much of an angel their grandson is.

I haven't told them I had Lucifer in mind

My parents have the awesome super power of jumping.....

to conclusions in every f***ing thing I talk about.

My parents are old fashioned. When I was a boy they wanted me to play baseball.

And When I was a girl they wanted me to see a psychiatrist

Captain America asks Iron Man "How much did it cost to kill your parents?"

One buck.

I am a proud antivax parent of 4 children.

Edit: 3 children

Edit: 2

Edit: 1

I prayed to god for my parents to be happy again.

Wait why is my hand turning to dust? What the hell is hap-

Vanilla Ice has started a new business teaching Microsoft Office to people’s parents.

Word to your mother.

Asked My Parents if I was an accident

Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

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At the parent/teacher meeting the teacher looks solemnly at the father and says, "Your son swears terribly."

The father responds, "Ain't that the fucking truth. He **says** the words, but puts no feeling into them."

My parents refuse to let my younger siblings to get shots

What's so wrong with underage drinking anyways

A Chinese baby was born way too early..

So, his parents named him Sudden Lee.

I asked my dad what his parents' generation did to cure boredom before internet and TV existed

Neither him nor his 28 siblings had an answer.

A young boy is asked by his teacher what his parents do for a living

“Well my mother is a psychologist and my dad plays the piano in a brothel” the boy replies

The teacher, shocked by the father’s profession
calls the parents to ask them about the young boy’s comment.

When the parents arrive, the father apologised to the teacher saying “I’m sorry I...

Why do parents hate alcoholic children?

All they do is wine

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

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I remember when my parents were so poor...

That on Christmas morning if it wasn’t for my boner I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

I came out to my Asian parents as a trans woman and told them I have a boyfriend named Shane.

I think they are taking it pretty well. They said they did't have a son and I would bring Shane to the family.

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My boss said that salary should not determine job satisfaction.

"Try telling billions of parents that ejaculation should not determine sexual satisfaction," was enough to get me fired.

As a kid my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.

As it turns out identity theft is a crime

I thought I was funny until I met your parents...

They got together and made a joke years ago yet people are still laughing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

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