When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

My parents treat me like a god...

...they don't believe in me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

Anti-vaxx parents don’t raise kids

They lower coffins

My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up.

Too much sax and violins.

Proud parents

A young couple decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at their family reunion of about 40 people.


That night, after just finishing up a BBQ, they stood up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally ...

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likable.

It was an autobiography...

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part.

Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

My parents tried to get me aborted

But the doctor said 18 years was too late

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy walks in on his parents having sex...

... And asks them what they are doing.

The Father replies "we're making a little brother or little sister for you to play with.

The boy responds "well then you two should be fucking doggy style because I'd rather have a puppy".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenager was sick and tired of his parents.... [Dad Joke]

A teenager was sick and tired of his parents.

He decided that he needed them gone. As he was walking, he saw a man with a sign that said “Homeless vet. Need money.”

“Perfect,” he thought, and approached the veteran. They negotiated a deal, but the teen had no money - but, he figured,...

Parents are like boomerangs...

They don't always come back, but when they do they usually hit you.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan.

Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There is a boy who is always in trouble, he is constantly upsetting the other children and damaging the school property. Eventually, a letter is sent home to his parents...

...saying the school has put up with his bad behaviour long enough. This morning, they found him masturbating in class so they have expelled him. The letter continues: “I
suggest you talk to your son about his dirty little habit as soon as possible. Tell him he’ll go blind if he carries on.
Yo...

Parents come for their son to tell him a secret.

Parents: "You are adopted."

Son: "What?? Who are my real parents??"

Parents: "Oh, we are, but your new ones are waiting outside."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When my parents got divorced I remember the seemingly endless custody battle they had over me.

I can still hear the fighting in my head.

Mom: You take him!

Dad: I don't want that little shit he's your problem.

Jokes about anti-vaxxer parents never get old.

Just like their kids.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My parents taught me well

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't stra...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.

I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.

When I was a kid, my parents used to give me 10c and I would have to go down to the shop. I would get a pack of Potato’s, a bunch of bananas, 5 loafs of bread and a bottle of beer.

But of course, you can’t do that anymore as most stores have security cameras.

My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.

Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.

Indian parents can never like OnePlus

Because it tells you to 'Never Settle'

It's too bad my parents don't watch Game of Thrones

Because then I wouldn't be the biggest disappointment in their life.

My parents just told me...

that they love me.

How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her as a kid?

*They left the plunger IN the toilet*

A boy walks in on his parents making love.

The parents quickly cover themselves and ask what he’s doing here.

The boy doesn’t answer, but asks, “What are you guys doing?”

The dad says, “Well, I’m putting a little baby brother in your mom.”

“So that’s how a baby is made?”

“Yup.” Replies the dad.

The boy shru...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents.

A seven-year-old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, "Me and Janie is getting married."

"Oh?" says the mother. "And how old is Janie?"

"Five," replies the boy.

"And where will you live?" asks the mother.

"Well," says the boy, "Janie...

Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front

Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet?

Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born.

Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy?

Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head.

Girl 3: Jwoandb...

Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler's outbursts a "temper tantrum."

They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"

I don’t think I would ever try a threesome

If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I’d go out to dinner with my parents to catch up.

The internet is like being a parent.

Your mistakes remain visible forever.

What do antivax parents order at a bar?

Anything but shots

I am strongly against parents vaccinating their kids.

They should have a medical professional do it for them.

I asked the kids about their parents

Apparently that's not allowed in an adoption home.

My boyfriend's parents told me "There's no way you stay in a relationship with him!"

So i said "Mom, i'm 18. You can't tell me what to do anymore."

How do you determine the amount of entitled parents that a school has?

Subtract the school's vaccination rate from 1.

My parents used to make me walk the plank..

..we couldnt afford a dog

How is a kid failing science and an antivax parent related?

One is just the evolution of the other.

The first rule of Parent Club:

Don’t talk about activities in front of kids, unless fully prepared to engage in said activities.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My parents were fish

My parents were both fish, but my dad left before I was born. Guess that makes me a bass-turd.



I'll go ahead and leave now.

Did you hear about the child who's parents gave him 10 names?

Did you hear about the child whose parents gave him 10 names? He struggled initially.

What did our parents do when they were bored back in the days before the internet or video games?

I asked this question to my 24 brothers and sisters too...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

I told my parents I'm a communist now, and they gave me all the issues of "Pravda" newspaper from 1980s so I can understand the consequences.

I'm not allowed to use regular toilet paper now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once there was a boy named Billy, whose parents were very kind and overprotective.

One night Billy heard them arguing. They called each other bitches and bastards. That morning Billy asked what those words meant and his parents replied, "Oh, uh, boys and girls!"

In the afternoon Billy went into the bathroom. His dad was shaving and cried "SHIT!" as he accidentally cut himse...

I was kicked out of the house by my Asian parents

because I got an O for my blood test instead of an A+.

I thought of this joke myself, but I'm not sure if someone else made it earlier than me.

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents

One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

What did our parents do to kill time before the internet?

I asked my 16 siblings and they didn't know either.


Not oc but thought I'd share.

Two men are discussing the ailing health of their parents.

“I feel bad,” the first man says. “My dad is senile. All he does is stare through the window all day long.”

​

“That’s an awful way to live,” the second man responds.

​

“Yeah, I know,” the man admitted. “One day I should really let him in the house.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked in on my parents having sex...

That was the most awkward 45 minutes of my life.

Where do Jewish parents send their ADHD kids during the summer?

Concentration camps.

My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up

I'm an only child :(

A child asks their parent, "What's an alcoholic?"

"Well", the parent says, "You see those two buses over there? An alcoholic would see four".

The child responds, "there's only one".

When I was younger my parents used to play hide and seek with me.

It's been 30 years and I still haven't found my dad.

I asked my parents if they would listen to a joke

They said: of course honey, we love you no matter what.

Ah, Parents

So today I was playing on my phone. My mom was resting her head in my dads chest. They have been married for 17 years. She goes, “Your heartbeat is very loud.” My dad goes, “Yeah, well you won’t like it when that noise stops.” It was funny to me, I hope y’all find it as funny as I.

When parents post pictures of their kids in the bath it's normal and cute

But when I save those pictures suddenly I'm a weirdo.

I was devastated when I found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real. Because that means it was my parents...

who molested me.



credit: Ryan Stout

One day, my parents told me about the birds and the bees

"Son" they said, "birds do it, bees do it, so it's completely fine and natural for you to do it too. It's nothing to be ashamed of"

They were of course referring to my unfortunate habit of running face-first into windows.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to wake up my parents and accidentally stepped on my moms bra.

It was a boobie trap

I finally realised my parents favoured my twin brother...

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Young boy sneaks into his parents room while the mother was with her lover...

And hides in the closet to peek


But, the husband suddenly returns from his job


Lover jumps in the closet and meets the boy


Boy: -Its dark here

Lover: -Yeah

B: - Wanna buy my ball?

L: -No

B: - My father is right outside...

L: -How m...

My parents claim I'm using alcohol as a crutch

I told them to stop being naive, crutches help you walk

Moseses parents didn't start off rich

but they made a handsome profit

Parents: our baby won’t stop crying!

Doctor: how old is he?

Parents:one

Doctor:is he vaccinated?

Parents:no, why?

Doctor:I’m afraid he’s having a midlife crisis...

My parents raised me anti-Vax.

They always preferred Dyson.

After all these years, I finally decided to come out to my parents.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and after much soul-searching, I think I’m finally mature enough to let them know I’m not exactly who they think I am. It’s time they found out I was adopted.

On his eighteenth birthday, a son announces to his parents that he is no longer abiding by their curfew.

“I’m an adult now,” he says, “and you can’t stop me from exiting and entering the house any time I want.”

​

“You’re half right,” says his dad. “We can’t stop you from leaving the house, but we can stop you from coming back in.”

One night a little boy walks in on his parents in the bedroom...

Shocked and surprised the mom jumps off of the dad, throws on a robe and ushers the boy out telling him to go back to bed.

Embarrassed and distraught the next day the mom tries to explain to the boy what was happening. She says "son have you noticed how your daddy's belly has been getting big...

Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school"

Parents: "arson?"


Police officer: "yes, your son"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Being a teen parent is like pooping...

That little shit always shows up when you least expect it

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom

and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off...

My parents weren't supposed to know about my feline thieving hobby.

But I guess the cat's out of the bag now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was younger, I used to put porn on the TV when my parents went shopping.

The Best Buy employees didn't really appreciate it though.

When I was growing up my parents treated me like a flower...

Self raising

What do rich parents tell their infants?

Gucci Gucci goo.

The anti-vaxx basketball team lost every game this season

Apparently they never take any shots.

I’m 28, and my parents got really angry at me for acting like a flamingo all the time.

When they told me that, I had to put my foot down.

My parents said I would never be a comedian.

Nobody’s laughing now.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

My parents spin a world globe and randomly point out their next vacation destination.

That's how they drowned.

I am a parent of a one year old and I support anti vaxxer parents and super thankful of them.

They help me eliminate future competition that my kid will go against. From fortnite to Harvard.

What did the unvaccinated kid say to his parents?

Nothing

If I were to ever become a parent, I would never vaccinate my kids...

I'd get my doctor do it because I am not a medical professional.

What't the difference between the Jonas Brothers and my parents.

The Jonas Brothers came back.

I talked to my Republican parents about immigration.

The conversation really went south.

If you, your parents, and your grandparents use reddit, I guess you could say it’s

Haredditary

My parents didn't vaccinate their kids.

Fortunately, I was adopted by them and it helped me to become their sole heir.

So they made a documentary on Netflix about Madeline McCann....

8 episodes, roughly 8 hours, and if you watched it you watched her more than her parents did.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy wakes up in the morning and overhears his parents arguing downstairs.

“... those bitches and bastards will be coming...” is all he hears. When his parents are done arguing, he comes out of his room and asks his mom what that means. She says to him, “Oh, it just means men and women, sweetie.”

Later, the boy hears them arguing again, picking out the phrase “penis...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual

They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual.

All of the parents who claim that vaccines cause autism have nothing to be afraid of.

You can't get autism twice.

A young man brings his new girlfriend home for dinner and to meet his parents for the first time.

After dinner Dad pulls him aside.

"You have to break it off. That girl is your sister but your momma doesn't know."

Horrified, he later tells his mom everything.

"You keep seeing her. Your daddy ain't your daddy but your daddy doesn't know."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A son was talking to parents.

Son: "Mom, Dad I'm gay."

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: Clenches fist

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: Sweats Profusely

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

Son: "No dad, I'm serious"

Dad: "Serious? I thought you were gay."

The stripper's parents didn't have faith that their daughter would go on to do something better...

They just didn't believe in destiny.

Little Jimmy wakes up due to the loud sounds coming from his parents room. Little Jimmy gets there, opens the door and catches them doing it.

The mom was *riding* the father. Of course Little Jimmy being such an innocent child, he didn’t know what they were doing, so he asks his mom : -“Mom what you doing “ ... - “Your father is too fat , and he has such a big belly , so I told him to lay down, I got on top of him and started pushing and ...

My parents called a meeting just to tell me I'm really well-suited to my environment?

I don't remember exactly what they said, but it was something like, "son, you're adapted."

I can trace most of my problems back to my parents...I'm not sure if they hugged me too much, or too little when I was a kid.

Either way, they should have been wearing clothes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went by the house I grew up in...

I went up to the door and asked if I could go in and look around, they said "No" and slammed the door.

My parents are dicks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m not certain my parents’ sex life is dead.

It is concerning that my mom calls me her participation trophy though.

What’s the difference between a newlywed Danish couple and Batman’s parents?

One couple are Wed Danes and the other are Dead Waynes.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

There are two types of parents...

The ones who had their child through an accidental pregnancy, and the liars.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentar...

Father : You were adopted! Son : I knew it. I want to meet my biological parents!

Father : We are your biological parents. The new ones are coming to pick you up in 20 minutes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents

They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?

Mom: That's it's trunk.

Boy: No, further back.

Mom: That's its tail.

Boy: No, in between.

Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along.

The boy i...

The prayer uttered most often by pet owners and parents of small children:

"Please, God, let that be chocolate."