When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

My parents insisted that they never had a favorite child when I grew up

I'm an only child :(

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

I was devastated when I found out the Tooth Fairy isn't real. Because that means it was my parents...

who molested me.



credit: Ryan Stout

I finally realised my parents favoured my twin brother...

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked in on my parents having sex

It was the most awkward 45 minutes of my life

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom

and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off...

There are two types of parents...

The ones who had their child through an accidental pregnancy, and the liars.

A young man brings his new girlfriend home for dinner and to meet his parents for the first time.

After dinner Dad pulls him aside.

"You have to break it off. That girl is your sister but your momma doesn't know."

Horrified, he later tells his mom everything.

"You keep seeing her. Your daddy ain't your daddy but your daddy doesn't know."

Why does the 2 year old child of the anti-vaccine parents cry?

Midlife crisis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My parents found bondage gear that i’ve been hiding in my room

I bought bondage gear from my local sex shop and hid it under my bed.


My parents were furious when they found out and I was yelled at and spanked.

So i started leaving it out in the open.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual

They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A son was talking to parents.

Son: "Mom, Dad I'm gay."

Mom: Stares at Dad

Dad: Clenches fist

Mom: "Don't!"

Dad: Sweats Profusely

Mom: "..."

Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"

Son: "No dad, I'm serious"

Dad: "Serious? I thought you were gay."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I get anxious when I watch “Game of Thrones” with my parents, because of all the sex.

Sometimes I turn the volume up, so that I don’t hear them.

How do antivaxx parents talk to their kids?

With an ouija board.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

what do richard's divorced parents have in common?

they both get dick on the weekends

So, one day a boy hears yelling and commotion coming from his parents room

He goes into the room to investigate, and he sees his parents in the act. They begin to laugh hard, and the son runs back to his room.

A little while later, the father hears yelling and screaming coming from his son’s room. The father then goes into his room to investigate, and sees the boy...

My parents didn't like the fact that I was bringing home the bacon.

Especially when our pigs kept mysteriously disappearing.

What’s the difference between a newlywed Danish couple and Batman’s parents?

One couple are Wed Danes and the other are Dead Waynes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had a very difficult time convincing my parents I wasn't gay

I couldn't keep a straight face

My parents got seperated when i was 9 and I hated going to my dads on weekends.

I tried telling my mom that you don't split custody when your spouse dies but she just kept dropping me off at the cemetery.

If your parents kept an old jacket or sweater from when you were a kid.

Would that make it your child hood?

I wonder what my parents did for fun when they were younger...

I don't know, I guess I'll go ask one of my 13 siblings...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents

They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?

Mom: That's it's trunk.

Boy: No, further back.

Mom: That's its tail.

Boy: No, in between.

Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along.

The boy i...

Last Christmas my parents got me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars glued to the bottom..

Cheap Skates!

What's the worst part about being an anti-Vaxxer parent?

Having to deal with the terrible twos and the mid life crisis at the same time.

A guy goes to meet his girlfriend‘s parents

... and they are staying with them on the family farm for a few days. On the second day the father comes in and says “hey city-fella you look pretty bored, there’s a shotgun in the closet by the back door, why don’t you take the dogs out and go hunting.” The guy comes back in about an hour later, f...

Did you see the meme about Batman's parents?

Too late, It's already dead.

My parents made me walk the plank as a kid

We couldn't afford a dog

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentar...

How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her?

They rearranged the furniture

What's worse than learning that your parents are swingers?

Coming upon them at a party.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny is playing upstairs, he gets hungry so he goes to the kitchen and hears his parents arguing.

His dad calls his mom a bitch and his mom calls his dad a bastard. His dad storms out of the room so Johnny figures it's ok to go in, he decides to ask his mom about the new words he heard. His mom is taken aback, but she thinks quickly and tells him that a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlem...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams.

Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. ...

I wasn't going to visit my parents this xmas, but my mom promised she'd make me eggs benedict

So I'm going home for the hollandaise

Little Johnny's parents are concerned about his school art work.

Everything he brings home is black or brown. They take him to a psychologist to see if he is having some issues. The psychologist wants to see him at work; gives him some paper and a new box of crayons.

Johnny says "Cool. At school the only crayons we have left are black and brown."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My parents wouldn't accept me

I came out to my parents last night. I told them I was attracted to fair prices and good deals and discounts. They scoffed at me and told me that I was delusional.
I don't think they'll ever accept the fact that I'm buysexual.

Study reveals a fifth of parents regret how they named their children.

Then Study goes directly to bed because I'm raising him to be an early riser.

I’m broke, sad and a disappointment to my parents. But at least I’m not in debt

That’s the one thing I’m given credit for

A boy is meeting his girlfriend's posh parents...

GF's uppity mom: So Tom, what do your parents do ?

Tom: They are in the iron and steal business.

Mom: Oh that's an interesting combination for a business.. What do they do exactly?

Tom: Yeah, my mom irons and my father steals.

(As heard in The House on the Left, 1972)

What did the kid of the stoner parents get after the divorce?

Marijuana possession

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent'shome for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy came home from school and told his parents that he’d had sex with his English teacher...

His father stood to the side while his mother, who was furious, told him he was grounded and to go to his room until they calmed down and could talk to him about it more in depth.

After the kid was in his room for awhile his Dad quietly came in. He said, “Son, what you did... it’s not okay. ...

I always wondered what my parents did when they got bored before the internet.

I asked my 21 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If either of my parents got a sex change, I would NEVER see them again...

because they'd be transparent.

There were once 2 anti-vaccine parents.

They ain't parents no more

Why was the little duckling taken away from his parents?

They were quack addicts

What's the difference between my parents and my girlfriend?

I don't need to take my pants off to disappoint my parents.

Also, my parents are real.

You’re more genetically related to your parents than they are to each other

Or at least so I hope.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day little Johnny came back early from school and walked in on his parents having sex

One day little johnny came back early from school and walked in on his parents having sex. The parents got flustered and got dressed in haste.

"Why are you jumping on daddy?" asked Johnny.

"Daddy has a big belly, so mommy is trying to help flatten it for him".

4 months go past a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Timmy was being raised by his single mother

When one day she sat him down and explains to him that she’s given this a lot of thought and takes it very seriously but she identifies as a man and intends to start living as such. Timmy understands.

It was a long transitioning process of altering his appearance, changing his name, undergoi...

An European court banned parents from naming their kid Nutella.

They stopped a stupid name before it could spread.

What's the difference between a Danish married couple and Batman's parents?

One is a pair of wed Danes, and the other is a pair of dead Wanes.


(Sorry if this is a repost but I got this from a friend over text. So thanks for the joke u/Bag_of_cheese)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My 9-year-old told me his teacher said I'm a bad parent.

"Right," I said. "Finish your pint and we'll go and have it out with the cunt."

Do you know why I don't do threesomes?

Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I remember watching the news with my parents as a young man

All of a sudden there was a horrendous and explicit sex scene - so graphic and so early in the day. Naturally, I didn't know what to do or where to look. So I continued watching the news.

A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says,

"Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?

"Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied....

How did the child with ADD find out his parents were racist?

They sent him to a concentration camp.

My parents always told me I'd never be good at poetry since I'm Dyslexic.

My flower pot and 3 vases are pretty good if I do say so myself.

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography…

My parents said that the world didn't revolve around me.

But I'm their sun

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So my friends and I were talking about our parents...

...And how we were disciplined as children back then.

I started, saying, "My parents used the belt, I really learned my lesson then."

One friend says, "Yea? I was given the hanger. It sounds a lot more painful then it does."

Another friend joins in, "I bet that's not as painful...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend’s parents don’t like me because I’m not Christian.

I’m religious,.

They just like that son of a bitch Christian more.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Parents in 90's vs Parents now

90's Parents: My kid is gonna grow up soon, he will leave the house, drink alcohol, make new friends, have a lot of sex and will forget us!

Parents now: My kid is gonna grow up soon, he won't leave the house, won't have any friends, won't drink at all, not one will fuck him and he will keep b...

Did you know that in Australia they don’t call their parents mom and dad...

...they call them wow and pep.

Antivax parent: Why is my son crying all the time?

Doctor: Well, I guess it's midlife crisis..

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot

But I always found them

When both of a kid's parents die, they are called an orphan. What do you call a kid with one dead parent?

Sad.

Why are some parents so overprotective?

Because they don't want to make another mistake.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom back in the day

So I decided to ask all 20 of my siblings.

Why didn’t Elsa’s parents teach her the full alphabet?

They got lost at C.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to his girlfriend's parent's house for Thanksgiving. He's really nervous as this is his first time meeting her family and he's not sure what to expect. In fact, he's so nervous that it's giving him gas...

While they're sitting there watching TV in the family room, it isn't so bad because the the football game is on and it's kind of loud.

Also, the parent's big old dog Harold is licking his balls and everyone can hear that, so he can sit there and fart into the couch without anyone hearing a th...

My parents told me ANYONE could become president.

I didn't know it was a warning.

My parents don’t understand my generation joking about committing suicide and said I wasn’t allowed to...

Me: all my friends do it

Parents: if all you’re friends jumped off a cliff would you do that too

Me: ok it’s bad enough that you won’t let me joke about it but you don’t need to be a hypocrite

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend told me to tell her parents a joke. I said, pull my finger and then shit all over myself. They didn't laugh.

Guess they don't get my self-defecating sense of humor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Timmy caught his parents having sex

[deleted]

As a parent, I only let my kids browse r/highqualitygifs

Because choosy moms choose Gif

A guy visits his girlfriend at her parents' house...

A guy visits his girlfriend at her parents' house. When he knocks, the girl's father opens the door and, not even knowing that his daughter was dating, asks in bewilderment:

*Who are you? What do you want?*

-- My Name is Tobias, I'm here to bone your daughter.

*To what???*
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy and his girlfriend are at a party. After getting a bit drunk, they decide to head back to her parents house.

As they sneak into her bedroom, she whispers, "listen, I still share a room with my sister, but she's an extremely deep sleeper. As long as we don't cause too much commotion and keep the lights off, she'll never know we're here".

The girlfriend takes off her clothes and climbs onto the bed....

I got a G in Physics and my parents grounded me.

They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation!

A Jewish kid's parents sent him to a Jewish school

After a week he was kicked for bad behavior, so they sent him to another Jewish school. He was kicked from there as well, so they chose to send him to a Catholic school instead.

After a month they came to a school meeting, and the teachers praised the kid and said he does really well.

...

I always thought it was weird that my parent's medicine cabinet was also where they stored the alcohol.

I found out later that they were just trying to cure what ales me.

One afternoon a teacher gives her class a homework assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral.

The next morning the teacher stands in front of the class and asks, “would anyone like to share the story from their homework?”

25 little hands shoot in the air and the teacher calls on a young boy.

“Well,” starts the boy, “my family raises chickens, and one time our chicken laid 9 eg...

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

My parents' motto is "Try and try until you succeed", and as the Firstborn, I don't get it.

and so does my 25 younger siblings.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenage girl was having sex with her boyfriend at her parents house.

Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

A little boy walks into his parents' room

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.

The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.

She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a little boy over heard his parents in the bedrooom arguing,"You bitch, your cunt is too hairy!

Well your dick is to small bastard!"The boy was curious about these new words so he went in the room and asked what they meant. The startled parents did their best to get out of the situation, "You see son, bitch and bastard are what adults call each other sometimes and dick and cunt is a nickname w...

My parents keep complaining that I'm unemployed. I don't know why all the stress, I already made my resume.

Companies are welcome to come and take it. I'm home 24/7.

Whenever I visit my parents they always give me extra food since I’m “eating for two now”

They really take this tapeworm seriously

My parents keep telling me I am wasting my life playing video games.

Luckily I have two lives left.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy is at the zoo with his parents looking at an elephant NSFW

He looks at the elephant quizzically, turns to his mother and says "Mummy, I know that the long dangly thing at the front is his trunk, and the long dangly thing at the back is his tail, but what is that long dangly thing in between his legs?" Flustered the mother brushes off the question saying "Oh...

What do you call a child who was born to parents from Holland and The Phillippines?

Hollappino

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The little girl’s favorite activity was to play with her white teddy bear in her parents’ closet.

But her mother was really annoyed with this situation because she was having an affair with another man after her husband left.

One day, she let her boyfriend in to the bedroom without checking if the girl was there again. Unexpectedly, the husband arrived form work and she hid her boyfriend...

Parents : we want another kid

Kid: yea, I’d love a sibling.

Parents: that’s not what we meant

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid walks in his parents room and finds a condom

“Mommy I found this in your room”

“Oh, thats nothing dear, thats... daddy’s special weapon to kill the rats in our room”

The kid starts crying and his mother is confused

“Its OK son, they’re just filthy rats, you shouldn’t cry” says the mother

“I know but I still can’t pi...

Studies show that fertility is hereditary.

If your parents didn't have children, chances are, you won't either.

I was at dinner the other day with my girlfriend and her parents when she said "Could you pass me the knife daddy?"

I knew I was dead when both her dad and I stood up.

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,

So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was...

I used to be into drinking pot and other bad stuff until my parents yelled at me...

They said "You're not supposed to drink it, stupid."

A kid says “YOLO” in front of his parents

“We thought we raise you better!” The mom gasped.
“We’re a Buddhist Family!” The father exclaimed.

Teacher at parents meeting :

-Your boy was caught smoking marijuana !!!

The mother angrily :

-I can't believe it. I wonder where he found it from ??

-He said he got it from his best friend.

The father, wiping a happy tear :

-He really said that ... ?