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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

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A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...

She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on italian bread, made with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the san...

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My husband and son getting competitive while playing games.

Husband said" I fucked your mom"

to which the son replied" I have been deeper inside her than you'll ever be"

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

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A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him ...

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”

He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And what happened to my present?...

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”



Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

My husband has left me because I'm insecure

Oh no he's back, he just went to get coffee :)

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

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This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

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Husband and Wife

A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for Peni$es. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10."

Husband: "What about one my size?"

Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"

Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his ...

A husband is doing crosswords with his wife.

**Husband:** Emphatic no; five letters.

**Wife:** Never.

**H:** Pistol; three letters.

**W:** Gun.

**H:** Disgust; three letters.

**W:** Ugh.

**H:** Charity; four letters.

**W:** Give.

**H:** Female sheep; three letters.

**W:** Ewe.
<...

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his hou...

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A wife yells at her husband

Wife: "How could you do this to me?!"

Husband: "What did I do?"

Wife: "You slept with my sister, you bastard! "

Husband: "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what do you expect me to do? "

Wife: "The fucking a...

A pregnant woman and her husband are reviewing the results of her ultrasound

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Wife: Start with the good news!

Doctor: Well, your son is going to be able to park wherever he wants.

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Husband and Wife, lying in bed just after a wonderful night of sex.

Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed.?

Husband: Yes I love that trick you do with your mouth.

Wife: What trick.?

Husband: The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep...

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

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A husband and wife

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.
The husband puts, MYPENIS and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, ERROR,NOT LONG ENOUGH

What's the most famous way a woman has ever hidden her affair from her husband?

Creating a religion.

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

A lady and her husband arr at the hospital to give birth to their baby

Just before the operation, she starts to get panic attacks due to stories she's heard of the immense pain. The doctors offer an alternative solution.

Doctor: "We've procured a machine that transfers the pain felt by the mother to the father. But be warned, the pain will be like nothing you've...

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Husband comes home from his doctor's appointment telling his wife that he has a prescription for daily sex.

She grabs the script and says 'Nice try, this for dyslexia' !!!

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The husband tells the doctor...

... that his wife has lost interest in sex and hasn't had an orgasm for a year. The doctor assures him that he will find a solution, asks him to send his wife in, and wait outside.

The wife tells the doctor, "You see doctor, we have a lot of mortgages and our jobs do not pay well. I take a ca...

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work

Her 8-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."...

Why are women expected to cook for their husbands?

Prisoners need to be fed.

Did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband at dinner? Reese something....

“Witherspoon?”












No with her knife!!!!

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Husband and wife

A husband and wife were setting a password for their joint twitter account.

The husband types 'My Penis'

The wife dies laughing on the floor when it says 'Not long enough'

I’m having a hard time remembering the punchline of this joke about the wife who found her husband, naked and unconscious, after he’d cheated for the last time.

The long and short of it was in her hands.

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom, the man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks h...

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude...

He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

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A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a question...

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE...

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My favorite long joke - A man is having an affair with another guy's wife when the husband comes home early.

Wife : Hide in the closest and you'll be fine.

So the man throws on his clothes and jumps in the closet. Not long after he hears a little boy's voice in the closet with him.

Boy: It's dark in here.

Man: Yeah so? Just please keep it down.

Boy: I have baseball. Do you want ...

This woman goes to her doctor complaining about her husbands anger, as he seems to just flip out on her and lose his temper constantly...

...the doctor makes a suggestion, "Ok, here's what I want you to do, anytime that you feel like your husband is about to get flip out, I want you to go the kitchen, pour yourself a glass of water, and then take a swig and keep swilling it around your mouth until he calms down"...

The woman, p...

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A woman calls her husband in panic...

"Honey, my lips are swollen. I think I may have an allergic reaction!"

Her husband drives home as fast as he can to bring her to the hospital, but when he gets home he sees nothing out of the ordinary about her.

"Honey, you said your lips were swollen?", he asks. She looks down with an...

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A wife asks her husband....

A wife asks her husband "Honey, what do you want for breakfast?"

Husband: " I want sex" and he starts fucking her, finishes, and goes out for some errand.

...

Time passes by and its noon and the wife comes to her husband again.

Wife: "Honey, what do you want for lunch?...

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My husband asked why I never blink during sex.

I told him I didn’t have time to.

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A husband comes home with a duck under his arm and looks at his wife

Husband: "This is the pig I've been having sex with."

Wife: "That's not a pig, it's a duck."

Husband: "I was talking to the duck."

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My husband is really arrogant about his ballsack.

He's so egotesticle.

Husband and Wife

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes ...

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A woman asks her husband to fix the router

He replies "im no technician"

The next day, the tv broke, and again he tells her "im no electrician"

The third day, the power went out, so her husband tells her to call an electrician. When the husband returns home, the lights are all on, the tv works, the wifi is faster than before....

A wife asking her husband why he is crying?

He said " I saw a dream where a beautiful woman is trying to kill you and take me"

Wife trying to be supportive " calm down, it is just a dream"

He said "I know, that's why I am crying"

Karens husband dies...

Karens husband dies. After a few days, she starts missing him, so she buys an Ouija board and contacts her husband.

Karen: Honey, can you listen to me?

Husband: Yes

Karen: Are you happy in afterlife?

Husband: Yes

Karen: Is it better than your life on earth?

...

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

A woman is giving birth and her husband rushes to the hospital to be there.

On his way, he decides to call the hospital to see how she’s doing but he accidentally calls the local cricket ground. Someone answers.

“Hi. How’s everything going there?”

“Well... we have three out and hope to have the rest out by lunch. Last one was a Duck.”

A woman is sitting at her husbands funeral listening to the eulogies

She turned to the man next to her and asked if he would say a few words.

“Certainly”, he says and walks up to the mic

“A few words” the man says before sitting back down

“That’s exactly what I needed to hear” says the woman.

A man sitting behind her leans forward and ask...

A husband and wife are in bed...

The wife says to the husband "Honey, how do you tell the difference between crabs and lobsters?"


The husband replies "Crabs walk sideways"


"Oh my god..." The wife exclaims. "I've got lobsters!"

The woman asks her husband: "Do you prefer a beautiful woman or an intelligent woman?"

The husband replies: "None of them, you know I only like you!".





I was at this girls house and we were having a particularly zesty session on her kitchen table. She heard a noise out front and she says, "Oh no! It's my husband! Quick, the back door!!"

In hindsight, I should've ran, but you don't get an offer like that every day.

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

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Three women were fed up with their husbands

They agree that the best way to get their husbands to help with cleaning, is to stop doing it themselves. A week later, they meet again to discuss how it went.

The first one said: 'My Harry never did the laundry. I was sick of it. I told him: 'Harry, you lazy ass, I'm not doing your laundry a...

The doctor came to the waiting husband

And handed him the new born baby and said "I'm sorry Mr. Adams, your wife didn't make it."

Mr Adams handed the baby back to the doctor and said "Then bring me the one my wife made"

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says...

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"


Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder and a...

A women asks her husband "Can you make us some eggs?"

"Do I look to you like a chicken?"

Wife gets a text from husband saying "I think we should break up."

The wife, very confused, says to the husband, "You know I live with you. If you wanted to separate, you could have walked over and told me."

The husband replies, "Sorry babe. Wrong person."

Beer brewery manager on the phone with Mrs Jones: "Afraid I have bad news. Your husband fell into a vat of beer this morning." Mrs Jones started weeping. "Did he go quickly?"

"He climbed out three times - but only to pee."

A couple is on their honeymoon in the Caribbean, and they go into a shop so the husband can get his ear pierced.

They walk up to the counter, and the husband says, "I'd like to get my ear pierced to celebrate our honeymoon! How much will that cost?"

The shopkeeper replies, "It'll be $20, plus the cost of the earring you get. If that works for you, you can go pick out the earring while I set up to pierce...

Husband: You should learn to embrace your mistakes.

\*Wife gives him a tight hug immediately\*

It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it...

He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in ;)

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

A husband is divorcing his wife coz she poured glue all over his firearms...

He says "She denies it, but I am sticking to my guns"

A woman is talking to her husband

She asks him, "Could you go to the shop for me? Buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six." A short while later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk. His wife asks him, "Why on earth did you get so much milk?" He replies, "They had eggs."

Husband: Where is the shampoo? Wife: I read that it causes hair loss. So I threw it away.

Husband: Why did you do that? You could have used it on your face.

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A blonde comes home early from work to find her husband in bed with another woman.

Shocked and furious, she pulls out a gun from her purse and points it at the couple on the bed. They recoil in fear.

But after a few seconds, the expression on the blondes face shifts from rage to one of sadness and despair.

She turns the gun away from the couple and points it at her o...

A mean, yet wealthy women's husband dies...

She goes to the preacher in the town and tells him, "I want you to preach my husband's funeral. I also want you to call him a saint."
The preacher shakes his head slightly and says, "ma'am, I cant do that. He wasn't known as a good man around these parts..."
"I will give a check right now for ...

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Wife asks husband, do you pee in the shower?

Husband responds "yeah"

Wife says "ew! That's disgusting!".

He says "well these things happen when you're taking a shit."

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

My mom just got remarried and invited me over to meet her new husband.

When I got to her house, I found a strange man laying on the stairs to her porch. He looked up at me, grinned, and held out his hand. "Hi, I'm your new *step-*father."

A lady of the house lost three pairs of expensive panties and blamed the maid, in front of her husband.

The maid looked at the husband and said "Sir, you're my witness. You know I never wear panties."

Madam, we brought your husband. He is very drunk,every time we lifted him he fell again.

Wtf, where is his wheelchair?!

A woman and her husband are driving down the highway, when all of a sudden - splat - they've hit something furry

The woman pulls over, gets out and looks behind the car. A little bunny is squashed on the side of the road. The man, coming up behind him, says "Oh poor little guy."

"It's OK," says the woman, "I've got just the thing." She goes back, rummages in her handbag, and comes back with a spray can....

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

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A woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.

One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went to the balcony.


After a while, the one under the bed came out and said: "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The hu...

A wife asks her husband if she’s gotten fat during quarantine.

The husband replies “you weren’t that skinny to begin with”.

The death certificate said time of death was 1035pm, cause of death was covid.

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheat...

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A woman asks her husband...

Can you take care of the leaky faucet?

“What do I look like a plumber?” He yells

Well can you fix the leaky roof?

“What do I look like a roofer?” He yells

The leaves in the yard are all over the place...

“Do I look like a gardener to you!?” He slams the door and le...

A husband had grown tired of his marriage but couldn't think of a proper way to tell his wife.

One day, while his wife was at work, he came up with an idea. That evening, when the wife returned home, the husband greeted her and said, "Honey, i think i might be schizophrenic." Confused, the wife asked, "Well how do you know?" To which the husband replied, "Well, honey, I'm seeing other people....

A maid asks for a raise

*Mrs*: Why do you think you deserve a raise? You have only worked here for a month.

*Maid*: I have three reasons, the first being that I cook better than you.

*Mrs*: who told you that?

*Maid*: Your husband said it.

*Mrs*: And what else?

*Maid*: He also told me that...

Husband and wife had a car accident

Ambulance was called and they both end up im hospital. After some time husband regains consciousness and starts looking for his wife around the hospital. He finds a doktor and asks him:

"Doctor, please, me and my wife had an accident and I cant find her. Can you help me? Is she alright?"
...

My Husband thought of a tea shop name “these tea’s are made of leaves.”

Honestly, who am I to disagree.

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Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.

Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.

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A couple are lying in bed when the husband starts trying to initiate sex.

His wife shuts him down. When he keeps trying, she tells him "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow, and I hate having sex the night before I go there."

"Oh" says the husband and rolls back onto his side of the bed. After a few minutes, he says

"Well you don't have a denti...

A husband and wife are quarreling.

The husband tells his wife in anger, "Don't speak to me in that tone. You're waking the animal in me."

"I'm not scared of a mouse."

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What's the difference between your husband and your veterinarian?

Your vet will still touch your pussy after 16 years.

A poor and a rich husband meet every year to buy presents for their wives

"So.. what did you get?", the poor man asked?

"Well..."said the rich man. "I bought her a car and a necklace."

"Why both?", asked the poor man.

"Well..if she doesn't like the necklace, she can return it in her new car and still be happy. And what did you get for your wife?", ...

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A woman scolds her husband for not fixing the washing machine...

He scoffs at her and says, "What do I look like, the Maytag man?". The washing machine goes unfixed. Later that week, the pipes under the sink keep getting backed up so she asks her husband to fix that. He rolls his eyes and says, What do I look like, Mr. Clean?". A couple days later, she notices a ...

A wife asks her husband would he like to come home at lunchtime.

Would you like a quickie?

Husband: It's pronounced Quiche, and yes I would.

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?

All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love y...

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A woman recently lost her husband.

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Darling, you know that fur coat you promised me? I finally bough...

A short conversation between a husband and wife:

Wife: "I think this outfit makes me look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

A husband and wife had been arguing all-day

They passed a herd of jackasses, she drawls "relatives of yours?"

"Yes!" he says, "In-laws"

A wife hears her husband shouting at the TV from upstairs

"Don't do it you idiot", "it's a trap", "Get outta there", "You fool" he keeps on shouting at the TV. The wife calls out to him "Hey what the hell you watching". The husband says, "Oh nothing I was just watching our wedding video.

Husband calls his wife at home and finds out she's in bed with another man

Husband (H) calls home and the cleaning lady (CL) answers the phone:

CL: Hello?

H: Can I speak to the missus please

CL: She's a bit busy now, she can't come to the phone right now

H: Why? What is she doing?

CL: She's in the bedroom with her friend

H: What fr...

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A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She decided to put an ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED, must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants apply in person".

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay she opened the door to see a grey haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you... you have no legs!" The old man smiled: "Therefor...

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The woman tells her husband: "the clock fell off the wall and almost hit my mother in the head".

The husband replies: "Shitty clock, always late!".

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband

"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"


"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."


"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
<...

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A husband and wife are preparing to leave for a trip.

A husband and wife are preparing to leave for a trip. The husband suddenly remembers that their cat is in the house. So, he told his wife to wait while he was going inside the house to leave the cat in the backyard.

Just as the husband went inside the house, their neighbor came and asked the ...

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A husband and wife sit in their bed.

The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends.

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he to...

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A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi.

So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies an...

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

My cop husband was trying to put our toddler down for a nap, but she wouldn’t stop running around the house.

He finally picks her up, throws her over his shoulder, and yells “stop resisting a rest!”

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An elderly woman passes, leaving her life-long husband a lonely widower.

As time goes on, his life begins to unravel as he spirals into a pit of despair. This does not go unnoticed by his adult children, who grasp at any opportunity to cheer him up. Finally, one of them convinces him to grudgingly attend an evening game at the local bingo hall, knowing that he'll be in t...

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#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

A 15-year old boy came home with a Porsche.

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

Old lady sees a news report and calls her husband's cell-phone

"Honey", she says, "You need to be careful. I just saw that there is a maniac driving the wrong way on the freeway"

Husband replies, "A maniac?! There's not just one- there are hundreds of them!!!!!"

Wife makes cornflakes for her husband.

After eating, the husband says to his wife. "Darling I think you forgot to add cornflakes to milk. Please add cornflakes next time."
Wife: "I'll do that, but you have got to stop eating with the mask on"

I didn't take my husband's name when I got married.

I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith

A wife confronts her husband while doing the laundry.

"Can you explain how this lipstick got on your collar?" she demands.

"No," he says, looking puzzled. "I distinctly remember taking my shirt off."

A worried elderly lady calls her husband on his cell phone...

"Please be careful," she tells him worriedly. "I heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way on the highway." To which he replies, "It's not just one car, it's all of them!"

Husband and wife are having marriage trouble. Husband is often unfaithful. One day the wife died an early death and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one.

It was her grandmother.

Wife: grandmother what must I do to get through Heavens gate?

Grandmother: it's easy honey, all you have to do is spell one word.

Wife: what is it?

Grandmother: Love

After many years and multiple wives later the husband dies and arrives at ...

Husband says, "My olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I am going to wear a gold one."

Wife says, "Why don’t you wear a silver one and come second for a change."

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A woman visits a doctor to get her sick husbands results.

But the doctor tells her "We're sorry, but the usual tests were inconclusive. We're not sure what is wrong with your husband so we'll need to test everything we haven't tested yet. We'll need his urine sample, blood sample, semen sample and fecal sample."

Woman nods and goes home to her sick ...

My husband died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work.

He didn't suffer, it was instant.

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“Doc, my husband was just admitted to the hospital with violent butt spasms. Do you know where he is?”

Doctor: ICU baby, shaking that ass.

A husband and wife were grocery shopping

A husband and wife were grocery shopping. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife
"They're on sale, only 10 bucks for 24 cans"
"Put them back, we can't afford them" the wife responded.

Later on, she puts a $20 jar of face...

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find ...

Wife ask husband how she looks. "So far so beautiful" he replies. And then he also says...

"But don't come any closer, it works the other way around too!"

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A woman visited her doctor for her annual exam. The doctor asked, “Are you and your husband sexually active?” “Yes, we have verbal sex everyday.” the woman answered. “Verbal sex? I think you mean oral sex!” the doctor laughed. “No, I mean verbal sex.” the woman persisted...

“Every morning my husband and I pass each other in the hall and say, ‘Fuck you!’"

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Recently divorced young actress looking for new husband

A recent divorced pretty young actress posted on internet that she is looking for new husband that never hit, never run and good at sex. Next morning she heard someone banging on the door extremely loud. She opened the door and saw a man without arms or legs.

"Who the hell you think you are...

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

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Woman in the 1800s becomes very upset after seeing the painting an artist had done for her. She says to him, "I tell you I want a painting commemorating my husband's last thoughts, and you give me cows with halos and Indians making love?”

"Miss," he says. "Those are your husband's last thoughts." "Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For l...

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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love

All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor though...

At 3’o’clock in the morning, a wife hears her husband stumble in through the door,

She goes down stairs and sees him standing in the doorway drunk.

she says “Have you been drinking?”

the husband laughed and said “No honey, I drove home.”

The wife’s face drops and she begins to panic.

The husband then starts to freak out and says “What’s wrong?!”
...

A husband and his wife are having financial difficulties. After many nights and days of talking, with ideas coming and going, they decide she should try prostitution.

They agree on the prices- £20 for a hand job, £50 for oral, and £100 for intercourse, the husband would be waiting in the car.
She meets a guy in a bar and he accepts her advances so she tell him the prices.
She says "Its £20 for a hand job, £50 for oral and £100 for intercourse."
"Gee,"...

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the chi...

A woman is reading a book in bed when her husband enters with a sheep under his arm

The husband holds the sheep up to the woman and exclaims: "This is the pig I'm cheating on you with."

The woman, confused by the notion, replies: "But... that's a sheep."

To which the husband shakes his head and says: "I wasn't talking to you."

A woman goes shopping at The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

Husband and wife have trouble conceiving.

So they go to the doctor. By the end of the visit, the doctor determines it’s their stress causing the problem and their constant planning is a major contributor.

He tells them not to worry and as soon as they are in the mood, don’t hesitate and make love.

A month later they come bac...

Husband: Have a Nice Day.

Wife: Don't tell me what to do.

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Washing Machine

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, they decide on ‘washing machine’. 
Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.” 
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling I have a headache.” 
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.” 
Husband repli...

A woman was taking her late husband to the undertakers.

He was wearing his best suit, a charcoal grey suit. The woman knew it was her husbands dying wish to be buried in a blue suit, something that they had never been able to afford when he was alive. So, she told the undertaker about her husband's wish, acknowledging that she couldn't afford a new suit,...

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

<...

A husband and wife were out in the forest mushroom picking

The husband thought he found a mushroom and picked it up. To his disappointment it was an ordinary rock. Enraged, he threw it. After he threw it, he heard something glass breaking.

The pair rushed over to see what it is, and found a shack in the forest. A man in very bright clothing came out....

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