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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

My grandfather was part of Antifa back in the 1940s.

Back then they called it the US Army.

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I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet

I said, "you can't be serious"

He said, "I shit, you knot"

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a five your old and his grandfather on a porch

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to hav...

My grandfather was riding a horse yesterday and its leg broke. So he decided to shoot it.

Everyone else on the carousel started freaking out though.

My great grandfather sunk 5 U-boats in ww2

Easily the worst captain the kriegsmarine had

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it was not cremated with the rest of him.

When I die I want to go peacefully, like my grandfather did— in his sleep

Not screaming like the passengers in his taxi

Me and my friend went to visit her grandfather's tomb.

"Oh no, it's meant so say Jhon, not John!" she said.

I replied "That's a grave mistake".

Across the breakfast table, the young boy squints at his great grandfather.

"Pop," he says, "You're really old."

The old man chuckles. "I certainly am, son."

"How old are you Pop?"

"Why, I'm eighty-nine."

"Wow." the boy is impressed. "How did you get that old, Pop?"

"Well son, I'll tell you." The old man's faces grows serious, and glances...

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I showed my grandfather some BDSM porn on his new computer. He said, "I just don't understand you young whippersnappers."

I think he meant: "snapper whippers."

My grandfather was an electrician during WWII.

His uniform had a helmet with two thunderbolts on it

My grandfather used to say " never bring a knife to a gunfight"!!

He was right. The paintball arena banned me for life.

My grandfather destroyed over 30 German planes in WW2...

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Little Johnny's grandfather comes home from a doctor's appointment.

As he enters the house, he sees a bucket in the middle of the floor. He says to Little Johnny. "Johnny, why is there is a bucket on the floor?"

Little Johnny says, "Just kick off to the side, grandpa." and Grandpa does.

"Yay, we're going to Disneyland" Little Johnny exclaims.

"W...

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My Grandfather brought down over 30 Nazi aircraft during World War Two.

And to this day, he's known as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

A grandfather and his young grandson were out walking one morning after a light rain...

They notice an earthworm on the ground having just crawled out of its burrow.

“Tell you what- if you can figure out a way to get that worm back in its hole, I’ll give you $10.”

The kid thinks for a second and tells his grandpa he’ll be right back.

He returns a few minutes lat...

My grandfather hated people with deformed feet

He was lack toes intolerant.

I recently visited my grandfather in his old folks home..

We sat down at a table in the cafeteria and started to chat. He said things were going okay but sounded a little frustrated.

Just then he starts to lean over, almost off his chair, when a nurse rushes over and straightens him back up. My grandfather mumbled something under his breath.
...

My grandfather was the best Russian Roulette player

He only lost once

My grandfather could communicate with ghosts, who would often ask him about his clothes sizing.

He was a medium.

TIL that former Mexican president Vicente Fox has American heritage. The last name does give it away but the story of his grandfather’s journey from Cincinnati to Mexico is still fascinating.

He comes from a long line of people who would escape as far away from Ohio as humanly possible.

My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania .

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

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I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me..

"Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt!"

My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WWII.

Still to this day he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"

My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see if I wouldn’t be born

It’s the worst way to get to know I’m adopted..

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

My grandfather was so cheap.

When he died, he walked towards the light - and turned it off..

My Grandfather has the heart of a lion!

And a permanent ban from the San Diego Zoo.

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke

A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.

At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woma...

I never knew my grandfather but I just learned he had a purple heart.

It's terrible what alcoholism does to your organs.

My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars..

..and came to us a seasoned Veteran.

Do you know what the last thing my grandfather said to me was before he kicked the bucket?

“Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

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Another World War II political joke that my grandfather told me.

You guys seem to like my last one so here's another one of my grandad's World War II jokes. Like I said I'll try to retell it like he did.

>There's this rabbi sitting down at a cafe reading a newspaper. One of his congregants notices that he's reading the Daily Stormer, which was the Nazi ...

When my Great Grandfather died they cremated his body but kept his toupee.

It is considered a family hairloom.

My grandfather always said: "If you hit something with the car, you should release it from its suffering"

Still, I felt sorry for the cyclist

One day a boy was playing in the garden of his house and his grandfather approached him:

Hey, what are you doing? Asked the grandfather.

The boy replied: I'm playing with putting worms back on the ground, Grandpa.

The amazed grandfather asked: but how do you put the worms back? they are all soft ...

It's a secret, but if you give me $ 10 I can tell you.

The g...

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One of my great grandfather’s favorite jokes...

A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag. Guy says “Smart Pills,” his friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills,” then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says “These smar...

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A little kid goes goes fishing with his grandfather

When they get to the fishing spot the grandfather lights a cigarette. The little boy asks “can I have one of those”. The grandfather takes a drag and asks “Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole”? The kid immediately says “No” and the grandfather says “then you’re not old enough for these”....

My grandfather came back from the war with 2 amputated legs and an amputated arm.

He never said exactly where he got them and the whole family was pretty disturbed when he displayed then over the fire place.

My grandfather always told me that he was religious

I find that hard to believe

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

My grandfather came up to me and asked, “do you know the most famous law firm in the world?”

I said “no, what is it?”

“Dowie Cheetem and Howe.”

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field...

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field. Every time a bird was swooping in to get some crops - the bird would catch eye of the clock instead. As the bird landed on the clock, it would die! It was a mystery - but the farmer didn't care as it worked better than a scarecrow. Pretty soon wo...

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My grandfather is really frustrated at the new stairlift installed in his house.

He said, “It’s driving me up the fucking wall.”

My great grandfather's joke

One day my great grandfather was taking his friend for a ride on his motorcycle. His friend said "It's freezing back here."
My great grandfather told him to turn his coat around so the wind wouldn't blow through the opening. His friend did and after awhile my great grandfather noticed that he had...

My Irish grandfather once fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey and didn't spill a drop.

The man knew how to keep his mouth shut.

A girl goes over to her Italian grandfather’s house

to find him covered in salt and wrapping himself in pigs intestine. Shocked, the girl says “Grampa! What are you doing?!?”

The grandfather responds: “I founda I have-a the cancer, so I worka ona cure!”

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Whenever i see someone struggling, i think of what my grandfather used to tell me..

Hurry the fck up you useless piece of shit

My grandfather escaped

to America in search of freedom. It didn't last long 6 though. Grandma arrived on the next boat.

My grandfather's pig joke

A man decides to visit his friend who lives on a farm, and while they're having a beer on the porch, a pig with only three legs walks by. So he asks his friend, "Why does that pig only have three legs?"

The farmer gets excited and says, "That pig? Oh, let me tell you about that pig. Such a wo...

I was looking through my late Grandfather’s things and found an old poem he’d written for my Grandma. It read:

Roses are red, Violets are blue
I’ve got Alzheimer’s, cheese on toast.

I can still remember my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket

He said to me:
Hey! Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little te...

My grandfather told me this one

Doctor: "so tell me, how did you burn your ear?"


Patient: "I was ironing my clothes and the phone rang, and instead of picking up the phone I put the iron to my ear"


Doctor: "so how did your other ear burn?"


Patient: "well I had to call an ambulance didn't I?"

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A grandfather takes his grandson camping

They set up the tent and a fire and then his grandfather pulls out a beer.

The kid asks “hey grandpa can I try some of that?”

Grandpa says “can your dick touch your ass?”

Kid says “no”

Grandpa says “well you ain’t gettin none”

Grandpa pulls out a cigar and starts p...

One of my Great Grandfathers favorites...

A traveling salesman steps off of a bus in a small Midwestern town. He has some time to kill so he asks the ticket counter clerk what there is to do around the area. The ticket clerk tells him that all the bars are closed because it's Sunday but if he walks down to the end of the main road there's a...

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My grandfather told me this joke and thought it was pretty funny.

Plane is about to take off, and the people are all taken their seats.The captain starts up the plane, and announces to the crew ,"Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your Captain speaking. We will be flying at thirty-nine thousand feet on our flight from Atlanta to London. We are expecti...

A little boy is sitting with his grandfather (Hans) on a hill overlooking their small town.

The grandfather points out a church in the middle of town and says, "you see that church? I built it, but do they call me "Hans the Church Builder"? No."

A couple minutes later, Hans points out a long brick wall along the outskirts of town. He says to his grandson, "you see that brick wall? I...

Young Jonny us playing golf for the very first time, with his grandfather

After a slow start, they reach a short par 3. Jonny reaches for his driver and hits it all the way to the fringe of the green. He very nonchalantly chips it to 2ft and mops up for par.

The old man is super proud, and after the round he gifts Jonny a magnificent Bronze coloured driver.
...

If my grandfather knew how I scamped his funeral.

...he would turn over in his garage.

My grandfather used to walk to school with M. C. Escher

He says it really was uphill both ways.

Wonder if Kylo Ren took his grandfather's name in his honour.

Would be weird signing off orders as "K. A. Ren".

A guy says: "My great grandfather died in the concentration camps"

Then he laughs: "He fell from the guard tower"

"Stop telling jokes about this" His friend replies - "My great grandma also died in concentration camps"

"Oh I'm sorry"

"Yeah, some idiot dumbass dude fell on top of her from the guard tower"

I’ve been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator.

Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

Donald Trump, a scientist, a grandfather and his grandson were on a plane.

Suddenly, the plane's engine malfunctioned. The pilot turned around to face his passengers and said, "There are 3 parachutes. One of you will have to stay here with me while I try to land this plane."

Donald Trump immediately grabbed a pack and said, "I am the most important person on this p...

My grandfather said his girlfriend died of gonorrhoea. I said “you don’t die from gonorrhoea”

He said “You do when you give it to me”

My grandfather warned the people that the Titanic would sink.......

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre.

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet

The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally finds it and gives it to his grandfather

Next morning he wakes up and finds 350€ in his wallet instead of 50€

Being confused about that goes to his grandfather and explains him what happened

The...

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A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

My grandfather used to tell me this joke

Three British kids are arguing about whose father is superior.

one says "my dad drinksba full cup hot tea in a sip"

then the other says "well my dad drinks it straight out of the pot"

upon hearing nothing from the third kid they ask "Peter how does your dad drinks tea"
...

My grandfather always told me "A marriage completes a man....

After that he is finished."

My grandfather survived agent orange during the Vietnam war. My great grandfather survived mustard gas in WWII.

I come from a line of seasoned veterans.

I recently ordered a Grandfather clock online. I was surprised how small the package was when it arrived.

I really need to learn to check my spelling.

Grandson asks his grandfather

Grandpa, is it true, that during the WW2 you took down six German planes?
Well, grandson, take down is a strong word, let’s say, not fully fueled.

When my grandfather died I found out he had a massive collection of clocks he built and was pretty popular

I later found out through a typo he was more popular for other things

A man has just bought a grandfather clock from an antique store.

He’s carefully carrying it out of the store onto the sidewalk when all of the sudden the town drunk runs into him smashing the grandfather clock and knocking both of them down.

The man jumps up and says “why don’t you watch where you’re going!”

To which the drunk replies “why don’t you...

The day he turned 65 my grandfather started walking 5 miles a day. He's 97 now.

And we have no idea where he is.

The last thing my grandfather said to me was “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”

That spoke volumes.

My grandfather did 5 years in Vietnam.

Turns out armed robbery is illegal there too.

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A grandfather, father, and son are paired with a very attractive woman for a round of golf

The three are amazed to find that this woman is an amazing golfer. She outplays them on almost every hold, and come up to the 18th green at 1 over par with a 20ft Birdie putt. She tells the three guys

"Alright, this is the first time I've ever had a chance at shooting par. Whoever correctly h...

My late grandfather’s favorite joke

A man woke up one morning and his cheeks was swollen and contorted, his eyes were almost completely shut and his lips puckered tight. He rushed over to the hospital and sees a doctor immediately.

“Doctor, what’s wrong with me?” Asked the man.

“Your test results came back inconclusive, ...

I don't think holocaust jokes are funny. My grandfather died in a concentration camp.

He was so drunk, he fell off the watchtower.

My late grandfather's favourite line.

What time is it?

On my birthday, my grandfather pulled me aside and said, “You remind me so much of your father.”

I said, “Wow! Thanks, Grandpa.”

Grandfather: Your father was a disappointment too.

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Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”

“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.

“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.

“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own fuck...

My Grandfather always used to say "As one door closes, another one opens".

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long.

He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in t...

My German grandfather was probably the first moderator on Reddit.

At least he was dying for his sub.

My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it...

Him: Knock Knock

Me: Who’s there?

Him: Howard

Me: Howard who?

Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change?

This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.

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A boy was sitting with his grandfather...

After a while of silence, the grandfather points out to the city and says, "do you see that road, grandson? I built that road with my own hands. But do they call me 'Peter the Road Layer'? No... "

He scans the city, and points again. "And that church, there. I built that church board by board...

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

My mom said I was named after my grandfather—a war hero who died in Korea.

Of course I was named after him, I was born like 80 years after him.

If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?

Someone else’s pants on.

My grandfathers favorite joke.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.

The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly."

The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the ...

So, I asked my German grandfather hoe racist he was, scale of 1 to 10

He said "NEIN!"

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

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Grandfather and Grandson

A boy was told to spend the week with his grandparents, so he did. He often found himself spending time with his grandpa. He didn’t know why because his grandpa would not let him do anything.

When they went fishing, the boy asked if he could hold the pole, and his foul mouthed grandpa asked, ...

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My grandfather's favourite joke

First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off.

Rest in peace...

My grandfather died after being crushed by a piano

His funeral was very low key

About a month before he died, my grandfather asked us to spray WD-40 all over his back.

After that, he went downhill fast.

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar. The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his own fckng business."

The secret to true love for a man.

Ok guys so I thought I would lay out my Grandfather's secret for true happiness for men..he swore by it, and my father told me it was the best advice ever and made his life amazing!!

Ok so here goes!!

1 Find a woman that makes you laugh.

2 Find a woman that can cook.

3 fi...

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Looking for some jokes to cheer up my Grandmother

My grandfather recently passed away and I’ve became my grandmothers carer. She loves a good joke here and there however I’m quickly running out of material. Some examples of what she likes are..

‘A man walks into the doctors and says doctor doctor I have 5 penises. Blimey says the doctor, how...

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In these uncertain times I think of what my grandfather wouldsay if he were still alive

Get me the fuck outta this box! I can't breathe!

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