My grandfather has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

I’ll never forget the words of my late grandfather.

“Sorry, I’m late again.”

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

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I‘ll never forget my Grandfathers last words...

Stop shaking the ladder you little shit.

All of my family are police marksmen except my grandfather, who was a bank robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his relatives.

(Credit to Milton Jones)

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A grandson and his grandfather go fishing when the grandson asks his grandpa for a beer....

“Well can your pecker touch your butt?” The boy confused replies, “uhm no it can’t grandpa”. He looks at him and says “sorry kid not today then”. Some time passes and now the kid has grown into a man and decides to take his grandpa out fishing again. His grandpa opens up a beer and starts fishing wh...

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep...

...not screaming, like the passengers in his taxi.

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

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I miss my Grandfather..

We used to play together, camp together and repair everything on our house, never gonna forget his last words..

"Stop shaking the ladder u little fucker"

My grandfather worked his whole life to be able to afford a nice cremation...

He urned it.

My grandfather started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60

Now he's 97 and we have no idea where the hell he is

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

How my grandfather passed his immigration exam

My grandfather arrived in the U.S from Cuba in 1969 and he loved telling us about how proud he was to become a U.S. citizen and how he was able to pass the immigration test despite knowing very little English.



Story goes: He sits down with the immigration official who was having a ve...

My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during World War II

He was the worst mechanic the luftwaffe had.

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I walked in on my grandfather having a stroke...

Dirty old man watches way too much porn.

My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.

He's a seasoned veteran.

My grandfather was in the war

He got bored one day in the trenches so he invented the Hi-Vis Jacket.

Was the last thing he ever did

My grandfather with alzheimer died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

I met a baby frog with a great grandfather that cam from Warsaw

He said that made him a tad Pole

My grandfather survived the Holocaust in Germany.

Then he quickly moved to Argentina.

My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic

And that from the beginning he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but nobody listened to him.

He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again on several occasions.... until they kicked him out of the cinema.

We asked our 75 year old grandfather why men die before women do.

He looks over at grandma and says “because they want to”.

It was too bad we could never figure out my grandfather's blood type in time.

He was so optimistic though. He kept telling us to B positive

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Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......

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“Back in the day,” my grandfather would say, “You could go into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and some butter as well....”

"But today, they got cameras everywhere!"

I recently inherited an antique set of loaded dice from my grandfather. They used to belong to Al Capone himself.

In other words, we've been spending most our lives living with a gangster's pair of dice.

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A young sailor about to on his first ever around the world cruise" visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

"Gramps, I'm so excited to go on my first cruise," he says.



"Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you're taking everything you need," says the grandfather.



The sailor goes and grabs his suitcase. He opens it for his grandfather to inspect, only to get smac...

Rant: Please stop posting holocaust jokes. My great grandfather died in a concentration camp and it's very painful.

He fell off the guard tower.

My grandfather developed cancer when he was a young man.

He’s widely known as the most evil scientist that ever lived.

My grandfather died yesterday.

My father and I started cleaning out his apartment.

When we passed by his dresser we noticed some papers that fell between the dresser and the wall. One of the papers was an unclaimed dry cleaning ticket.

Looking at the ticket, we saw it was for a black suit that was b...

My chinese friend's grandfather got hit by a bus.

He was lying in his hospital bed when I came to visit him.
I had only entered the room when he began gasping and wheezing.
Worrying that he may be dying ,I quickly went near him and asked if he had any last words.
He then spoke in his native language, after a pause, in a very whispery tone...

I still remember my grandfathers last words before he kicked the bucket

"how far do you think I can kick this bucket"

shoutout to my grandfather

because that's the only way he can hear.

My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.

Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.

My grandfather had a stutter, which was really weird, since he was born deaf.

Turns out it was just Parkinson's.

At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.

Unfortunately, the police found it.

My Grandfather witnessed what was about to happen to the Titanic firsthand.

He screamed and yelled trying to alert everyone of what was about to happen.

He yelled three more times until it finally happened.



They kicked him out of the theater.

My grandfather adopted a legless dog and named him Cigarette.

And after a long day, he goes for a drag.

My grandfather was his army battalion's mime during WW2.

He doesn't like to talk about it.

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My grandfather overdosed on Viagra the other day.

My grandma took it pretty hard that night; the next morning and all day long!

A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. “Did God make you, PopPop?” the girl asks.

“Yep! He certainly did,” the old man answers.



“And did he make me too?” she asks next.



“Of course he did,” the old man answers again.



“Well,” she replies, “he’s certainly getting better at it.”

I'm very appalled by holocaust jokes.

They are of poor taste and aren't funny.
My own grandfather died in a concentration camp.

The poor fellow, god bless his soul, went to get some food and accidentally fell down from his watchtower.

So my grandfather died from asbestosis

Took us a week to cremate him

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology...

So I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I went to visit my 80 year old grandfather who lives in a rural area [long]

He made me breakfast and as I was eating I noticed the plates had a film-like residue on them.

"Grandpa are these plates clean?", I asked him.

He responded, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Now hurry up and eat your food."

Later that day he made hamburgers and as w...

A young boy finds his grandfather, an avid gardener, working in his garden one afternoon.

“What do you usually put on your celery?” the boy asks his grandfather. The old man wipes the sweat and dirt from his forehead. He’s amazed his grandson has taken such an interest in his hobby. “Well, I usually put on a mix of enriched soil and rotted horse manure.” “That’s weird,” the grandson repl...

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

My grandfather passed away, so I wrote a joke for him I thought he'd find funny: My grandfather is the man I looked up to most until I was 10 years old

Because around then I shot right past 6 feet.

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My grandfather, a Vietnam veteran,hooked up with a Viet girl a few years after the war.

He told me the story of how they met at a bar, and how he took her home that night, and how he began having PTSD flashbacks as soon as she undressed.

"Why's that?" I asked him.

"It was just like the war," he said. "I couldn't see the Vietnamese in all the bush."

\----

Be...

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With the news of the 75th anniversary of the D-Day landings, I remember my Grandfather who died at a concentration camp in Nazi Germany...

He fell out of the guard tower and broke his neck

What did my grandfather say before he kicked the bucket?

Let's see how far this bucket goes.

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My (American) grandfather's joke which I just shared with my (French) husband

There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation; All the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told t...

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We just found out that my grandfather left all his money to Pornhub.

Apparently it was there for him during the hard times.

A Grandfather talks to his grandson

Grandpa: Back then, for a dollah, I could get rice, milk, sardines, eggs, four boxes of cereal, a bottle of coke, some chips, and a tub of ice cream






Grandson: How about now, Grandpa?





Grandpa: Now a days, it's impossible to do anything with all dem g...

When my grandfather died, we scattered his remains in the sea.

People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?

Me: I don’t know, why?

Boss: Because the grandfather whose funeral you missed work for yesterday is on the phone.

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NSFW A boy and his grandfather are fishing

Grandpa cracks open a beer. The boy asks for a sip. “Can your dick touch your ass?” asks Grandpa.
“Well, no,” says the boy.
“Then no.”
Later, Grandpa lights a cigar. “Can I try?” asks the boy.
“Can your dick touch your ass?”
“No,” says the boy.
“Then no.”
After dinner, th...

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My girlfriend's birthday is the same day as my grandfather's

I am between spend the day with the person with whom I lost my virginity or with my girlfriend, I dont know what to do

For my late grandfather, his favorite joke. "My wife, she can't wrestle..."

"But you should see her box!"

And he'd laugh. And laugh. And laugh.

I went to my grandfathers house this weekend

On the first night, while eating dinner, I asked "Grandad, are you sure these are clean?"
"As clean as cold water could get them." He said

The next day, I asked again,"grandad, are you sure these are clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them." He replied again

On the third da...

My grandfather shot down 20 German bombers in the war.

Poor Friedrich, he was never cut out to be a fighter pilot.

My great grandfather is a really spiritual person

He’s dead.

I'm so mad! I found out my grandfather clock is full of bugs.

I guess it's like they say, time flies.

My grandfather once told me, “your generation is too reliant on technology!”

“You’re goddamn right”, I said as I remotely hacked into his life support system and disabled it via my smart watch

My grandfather always said

"Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.

It was my grandfather.

My grandfather is so good at Russian Roulette

that he only lost once

My grandfather told me that a baby crying was the most painful thing in the world...

So I threw one at a guy crossing the road

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My grandpa told me "All you kids do these days is play video games"...

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

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I look up to my grandfather as a national hero

He did many great thing, he was a soldier in ww1 and even killed hitler in ww2.

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I find Nazi jokes in such bad taste because my grandfather died at Auschwitz...

He was drunk and fell off his observation tower.

Mom: did you see how your grandfather get interviewed by CNN?

me: Yea mom that’s old news

My great grandfather saw The Titanic and he warned everyone it would sink, but they all ignored him Time and time again he warned them

until they threw him out of the movie theater

My grandfather was a very talented blacksmith

He could do all swords of things

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One of my grandfather's favorite jokes; namely because after he told it to me I told it in front of my speech class in high school and he found that to be the funniest thing he ever heard.

One day a good ole country boy went to work in a general store. Things are fine, but after awhile the owner gets called out on an emergency.

The owner tells the good ole boy, "Whenever someone comes in you get them what they want."

So the owner leaves and a man comes in and tells the ...

3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."

While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "

The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "

The other tw...

My grandfather was a great man, he went down in history

One time he also fingered a girl in Geography

The last thing my grandfather said to me just before kicking the bucket…

“Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket”

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

Two guys are arguing, whose grandfather was higher.

-Mine was high as a tree.
-Mine was higher, as a mountain .
- Mine was so high, that he could touch the stars.
- Were the stars round?
- yes
- Were they warm?
- yes
- So that was my grandfather's balls.

My grandfather has a French rifle from WW2 for sale on eBay

The description reads "never fired. Dropped once "

My grandmother and grandfather’s names were Pearl and Dean...

But I always called them Grandma and Grand PAPA PAPA PAPA PAPA PAPAPA, PAPA PAPA PAPA PAPAAAAAA, PA!

“He looks just like his grandfather”—- a sweet thing to say about a new baby in most parts of the world.

In Alabama, it’s an accusation.

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My grandfather never forgave the Japanese for Pearl Harbor.

Until I explained to him that it was the Americans who made that movie.

My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear."

Which was good advice...... Or was it ?

My grandfather was a cop. He was dying because he needed blood for blood tranfusion.

Everytime we would ask "Anything you need?", he would say "Oh, Negative".

My hypoglycemic grandfather dropped his cup of raisins.

He lost his raisins to live.

First /r/jokes. Please be nice :)

A little boy and his grandfather

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back ...

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I just found out that my grandfather was refused his organ transplant.

I don’t have the balls to tell him.

A kid comes to his grandfather...

*"Hey Gramps, do you want to watch soccer with me?*

*"Sure, who's playing?"*

*"Austria-Hungary"*

*"Against whom?*

I still remember my grandfather's last words before he passed away

"Son, you are stepping on the oxygen tank"

My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs.

It is driving him up the wall.

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