My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Man...

At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.

Unfortunately, the police found it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.

All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Abdullah.

"How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson.
It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Abdu...

A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. “Did God make you, PopPop?” the girl asks.

“Yep! He certainly did,” the old man answers.

​

“And did he make me too?” she asks next.

​

“Of course he did,” the old man answers again.

​

“Well,” she replies, “he’s certainly getting better at it.”

My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.

Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We just found out that my grandfather left all his money to Pornhub.

Apparently it was there for him during the hard times.

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW A boy and his grandfather are fishing

Grandpa cracks open a beer. The boy asks for a sip. “Can your dick touch your ass?” asks Grandpa.
“Well, no,” says the boy.
“Then no.”
Later, Grandpa lights a cigar. “Can I try?” asks the boy.
“Can your dick touch your ass?”
“No,” says the boy.
“Then no.”
After dinner, th...

My Grandfather Has The Heart Of A Lion

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

A Grandfather talks to his grandson

Grandpa: Back then, for a dollah, I could get rice, milk, sardines, eggs, four boxes of cereal, a bottle of coke, some chips, and a tub of ice cream






Grandson: How about now, Grandpa?





Grandpa: Now a days, it's impossible to do anything with all dem g...

My chinese friend's grandfather got hit by a bus.

He was lying in his hospital bed when I came to visit him.
I had only entered the room when he began gasping and wheezing.
Worrying that he may be dying ,I quickly went near him and asked if he had any last words.
He then spoke in his native language, after a pause, in a very whispery tone...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'll always remember my grandfather's last words,

Stop shaking the ladder you little shit.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, '...

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My grandfather, a Vietnam veteran,hooked up with a Viet girl a few years after the war.

He told me the story of how they met at a bar, and how he took her home that night, and how he began having PTSD flashbacks as soon as she undressed.

"Why's that?" I asked him.

"It was just like the war," he said. "I couldn't see the Vietnamese in all the bush."

\----

Be...

I'm very appalled by holocaust jokes.

They are of poor taste and aren't funny.
My own grandfather died in a concentration camp.

The poor fellow, god bless his soul, went to get some food and accidentally fell down from his watchtower.

I still remember my grandfathers last words before he kicked the bucket

"how far do you think I can kick this bucket"

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?

Me: I don’t know, why?

Boss: Because the grandfather whose funeral you missed work for yesterday is on the phone.

My girlfriend's birthday is the same day as my grandfather's

I am between spend the day with the person with whom I lost my virginity or with my girlfriend, I dont know what to do

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did

..not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

For my late grandfather, his favorite joke. "My wife, she can't wrestle..."

"But you should see her box!"

And he'd laugh. And laugh. And laugh.

My grandfather shot down 20 German bombers in the war.

Poor Friedrich, he was never cut out to be a fighter pilot.

My grandfather died because his medical report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Typo.

I went to my grandfathers house this weekend

On the first night, while eating dinner, I asked "Grandad, are you sure these are clean?"
"As clean as cold water could get them." He said

The next day, I asked again,"grandad, are you sure these are clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them." He replied again

On the third da...

My grandfather is so good at Russian Roulette

that he only lost once

My grandfather told me that a baby crying was the most painful thing in the world...

So I threw one at a guy crossing the road

My grandfather once told me, “your generation is too reliant on technology!”

“You’re goddamn right”, I said as I remotely hacked into his life support system and disabled it via my smart watch

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

found a very old photo my great-great grandfather took in 1874

in the photo he was wearing a tall black hat.

​

i took the photo to the local restoration shop and asked if they could restore it. "no problem" said the assistant.

​

"is it possible you could take his hat off? because he looked better without it."...

I'm so mad! I found out my grandfather clock is full of bugs.

I guess it's like they say, time flies.

Mom: did you see how your grandfather get interviewed by CNN?

me: Yea mom that’s old news

My grandfather died during the holocaust.

Fell off the tower during his shift.

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

My grandfather saw the Titanic and he warned everyone that it would sink, but nobody would listen.

He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema.

My grandfather always said

"Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.

It was my grandfather.

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

My great grandfather is a really spiritual person

He’s dead.

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

My great grandfather fell in a battle during ww2

But he stood up

Two guys are arguing, whose grandfather was higher.

-Mine was high as a tree.
-Mine was higher, as a mountain .
- Mine was so high, that he could touch the stars.
- Were the stars round?
- yes
- Were they warm?
- yes
- So that was my grandfather's balls.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of my grandfather's favorite jokes; namely because after he told it to me I told it in front of my speech class in high school and he found that to be the funniest thing he ever heard.

One day a good ole country boy went to work in a general store. Things are fine, but after awhile the owner gets called out on an emergency.

The owner tells the good ole boy, "Whenever someone comes in you get them what they want."

So the owner leaves and a man comes in and tells the ...

The last thing my grandfather said to me just before kicking the bucket…

“Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket”

My grandfather has a French rifle from WW2 for sale on eBay

The description reads "never fired. Dropped once "

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My (American) grandfather's joke which I just shared with my (French) husband

There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation; All the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told t...

My grandfather was a very talented blacksmith

He could do all swords of things

When my grandfather died, we scattered his remains in the sea.

People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.

My Grandfather started walking 5 Miles a Day when he was 60.

He's 95 now and we have no idea where he is!

I look up to my grandfather as a national hero

He did many great thing, he was a soldier in ww1 and even killed hitler in ww2.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandfather never forgave the Japanese for Pearl Harbor.

Until I explained to him that it was the Americans who made that movie.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just found out that my grandfather was refused his organ transplant.

I don’t have the balls to tell him.

My grandfather was a cop. He was dying because he needed blood for blood tranfusion.

Everytime we would ask "Anything you need?", he would say "Oh, Negative".

When my grandfather was dying we struggled to figure out his blood type. He just kept telling us to be positive.

and then they just gave him o-negative because it works with all blood types

My highschool teacher just became a grandfather

True story, a little background I had a teacher in highschool that I kept up with after graduation, he is also a little Aspergery.

So I just found out that he became a grandfather so I asked him What are you gonna have the kid call you ie grandad, grandpa, gramps etc... And in complete seriou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I find Nazi jokes in such bad taste because my grandfather died at Auschwitz...

He was drunk and fell off his observation tower.

I still remember my grandfather's last words before he passed away

"Son, you are stepping on the oxygen tank"

My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear."

Which was good advice...... Or was it ?

A grandfather tells his grandchild one of his stories from WW2

Grandfather : "Our squad was once captured by the enemy, half of us were raped, the other half got brutally killed."

Grandchild : "Which half were you part of grandpa' ?"

Grandfather : "Pfft, is that even a question ? Obviously the latter !"

“He looks just like his grandfather”—- a sweet thing to say about a new baby in most parts of the world.

In Alabama, it’s an accusation.

My grandfather was a great man, he went down in history

One time he also fingered a girl in Geography

My hypoglycemic grandfather dropped his cup of raisins.

He lost his raisins to live.

First /r/jokes. Please be nice :)

(91 year old grandfather told me this one) why don't ants freeze in the winter?

because they have ANTi-freeze

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy visits his grandparents, and is sitting on the front porch with his grandfather.

Soon Grandma comes out and gives Grandpa a cigar. He lights up while the boy watches, and the boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Rather than answering, the man snaps, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" The boy thinks about this, then shakes his head no. "Of course not, because you're a l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."

While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "

The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "

The other tw...

My grandfather seems really annoyed for having to use the stair lift to go upstairs.

He said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”

A kid comes to his grandfather...

*"Hey Gramps, do you want to watch soccer with me?*

*"Sure, who's playing?"*

*"Austria-Hungary"*

*"Against whom?*

My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me he'd drunk more than usual the day before.

"What's more than usual?" I asked.

"A case."

"You can drink a case in a day?!"

"Well," he grumbled defensively, "it doesn't take all day."

My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open.

Which is probably why his submarine sank.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I found out my grandfather died at a concentration camp.

Stupid bastard tripped and fell out of his guard tower.

I was talking to my grandfather about tattoos...

He told me he never got one but I asked him if he did, what would he get. He told me he would have gotten a beautiful woman's face. I asked where he would have gotten it and he said "On your grandmother's face"

I tried to stop my 103 year old grandfather from going mountain climbing

He told me not to worry because he was in his prime

A little boy and his grandfather

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back ...

My grandfather works with a couple of hypochondriacs

Sometimes he will make up a fake illness to see how long it takes them to catch it.

​

Before he passed, my grandfather was a professional photographer.

Oh how I miss good ol papa razzi

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandpa told me "All you kids do these days is play video games"...

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

A young boy who stutters is talking to his grandfather

He asks him, "w-why are y-y-you g-g-g-going to s-s-see the d-doctor"

The grandfather says, "I have prostate problems"

The boy says, "W-w-what's that?"

The grandfather answers, "I pee like you talk"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old joke from my great-grandfather.

*read this in a southern accent*

Our story today takes place back in World War 2, the sequel.

So one day, old Uncle Sam pointed to our friend, a man we'll Bubba, and said "I want you!"
So Bubba, a good man he was, said "alright." And went and joined the army.
The day comes when...

My grandfather has Alzheimer's so bad

that everytime he farts, he calls the fire department.

We called my grandfather "Spiderman"...

He didn't have any special super-hero powers or anything- he just couldn't get out of the bath sometimes.

My grandfather tried to warn people about the Titanic.

Before they set sail, he ran around trying to warn people that the ship would sink. No one would listen to him. Frantic, he kept yelling, “this ship will sink! This ship is going to sink!” Yet no one listened. Shorty after, we were escorted from the grounds and asked not to return. That’s the story ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.

On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”

On a branch in the tree next to th...

A little boy is sitting on a porch with his grandpa, watching a worm in the dirt

He says to his grandpa "I'll bet you I can put that worm into that little hole in the ground".

The grandfather laughs him off, and says "nah, the hole is too small, and the worm too wriggly, there's no way to fit it in there".

The little boy smiles widely, and says "wanna bet $5"?
<...

My grandfather always gave 100%

He died donating blood

My grandfather was a medical photographer who specialized in documenting infectious diseases. It's a miracle he survived well into his 80s...

Over the years, he told me he developed malaria, dengue, tuberculosis and dozens of unknown rashes.

My grandfather survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings

Being in Canada helped.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandfather, a ww2 vet, would always tell us the story about how he killed 50 Japanese with his bare hands.

2017 was a successful year for the racist bastard.

My grandfather died last night. They couldn't figure out his blood type in time to give him a transfusion. He was such an inspirational guy to the very end though, I'll never forget his last words to me.

"Be positive"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girls grandfather died.

The girl asks the grandmother “How did he die?”

“Well he died while we were having sex” replied the grandmother.

“Well of course he died he was 96” exclaimed the girl.

“No we had sex every Sunday. It went in on the ding and out on the dong of the church bells... he would still...

Man, my Grandfather was such a great pilot.

He returned from almost 15 Kamikaze missions! God bless him

I’ll always remember my grandfather’s favorite saying: Be envied, not envious.

Every day, I wish I was the one who thought of that quote.

My grandfather was telling me about his new top-of-the-line hearing aid.

"Yeah, it's the most expensive model they had! It cost me almost $6000!"

"What kind is it?"

"About a quarter past 6."

My great grandfather got me an IPad for my birthday.

My so-so grandfather got me a pair of socks.

A joke my grandfather told me

As you may know, many small churches in England have bell towers. Well, the bellringer for one such church, upon reaching retirement age, quit his position, leaving a job opening. Unfortunately, the demand for such a job was low and the bellringer position remained empty for several weeks. Eventuall...

My grandfathers star sign was cancer which is ironic seeing how he died.

He was eaten by a giant crab.

My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

My grandfather was terminally ill...

The doctors said there was nothing they could do for him so we took him to see a naturopath who told us to cover his back in grease.

But after that he just went downhill very quickly.


.
.
.
Blatantly stolen from the great Milton Jones

My grandfather was a very intelligent man.

He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon. Only problem was it never really took off.

My grandfather got pretty burnt the other day

They don't muck around at the crematorium

My grandfather was a prison guard.

He told me a story one day about an inmate he knew back years ago. He said

“On my first day of work I spotted this guy who had the nicest cell in the joint. TV, silk sheets, food whenever he wanted it. I had no clue why.

I eventually found out that everyone there - the other guards, t...

A young man helps his grandfather with his computer issues

His grandfather seems to be unable to set a password.

Trying to figure out the problem the young man looks at the password the old man is trying to set

His password is “ParisLondonMickeyMouse”

Puzzled by this, the man asks his grandfather why he wants to set this password anyway...

Joke my grandfather told me (he thought it was hysterical)

One day a man goes to his doctor and complains of pains saying, "Doctor, doctor! It hurts when I go like this!" (My grandpa then lifted his right arm.)

So what does the doctor say? The doctor says, "Well then don't go like this!" (Grandpa proceeded to raise same right arm again. Grandpa then ...

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic...

He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater...

Good news! I've just inherited an estate from my great grandfather!

Bad news, it's a 1975 Volvo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(NSFW) A grandfather and his 16 year old grandson are on a fishing trip...

The grandfather opens a beer and starts drinking. The grandson asks the grandfather "can I get a sip of that?" The grandfather then asks "can your dick reach your ass?" "No wtf?" the grandson replies. "I'm sorry but then you're not man enough to have a beer" says the grandfather.
Later that day ...

My grandfather was a brilliant artist.

He had an amazing stroke.

&#x200B;

&#x200B;

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That's how he died.

My grandfather knew before the titanic sank that it was going to happen.

He kept yelling and telling peope over and over but no one listened. They then threw him out of the theater, he’s not allowed back.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy walked up to his grandfather on the front porch...

He saw his grandpa drinking a beer and asked if he could try it. His grandpa asked him in return, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" The little boy thought about it for a second and replied with a hesitant, "No." "Then you ain't a man yet so get outta here!"

A couple days later her see his ...

My grandfather was arrested numerous times for selling a phony life lengthening drug...

Once in 1888, again in 1922, a third time in 1954, and another time in January 2018

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid and his grandfather are sitting in the living room together

Grandma leaves to go to the grocery store "You boys behave.", she says.

Grandpa stands up once she leaves and says "Well I'm gonna grab a beer and enjoy myself now."

The grandson looks at him and asks "Hey Grandpa, can I maybe have a beer?"

Grandpa says "Well, does your dick tou...

My grandfather stopped smoking twenty years ago today.

I'll never forget that house fire.