UPJOKE
fathermotherfamilycousingrandpapaternalgrandparentunclesonnephewgrandsonbrotherdadgrandmotherstepfather

Grandfather Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was cleaning out the basement of the house his grandfather left him...

...when he came across an old metal oil lamp. The man starts wiping it off with his shirt when two genies emerge from the lamp.

"Holy shit!" the guy exclaims.

"We are the genies of the lamp. We have been stuck inside that lamp for decades, and you have freed us. We will grant you three...

The Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We discovered my grandfather is addicted to Viagra

No one is taking it harder than grandma

My Grandfather downed 35 German aircraft during WW2

He still holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and ...

My 12-year-old son asked his grandfather what the worst thing about old age was...

Grandpa answered:

"It's erectile dysfunction."

My son asked:

"But is it really that bad?"

Grandpa replied:

"Imagine someone trying to play snooker with a rope... it's the same thing..."

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

My grandfather told me this one not long before he died

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.

The man tells the officer that he doesn't n...

My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.

He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.

He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

My grandfather was part of Antifa back in the 1940s.

Back then they called it the US Army.

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he died.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles ...

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

My grandfather once told me, "When one door closes, another one opens."

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

My grandfather knew the exact time, date, and year that he was going to die.

He wasn’t psychic. The judge told him.

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.

**The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandfather of the year

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.

The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice:

\- "Easy, William, we won't be long".

Anothe...

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later

I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"

My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.

He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my whole family was astonished and terrified when we learned my grandfather was addicted to Viagra

Especially grandma, she's taking it very hard.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion, the stomach of a bear...

... and a lifetime ban from the local zoo

My grandfather had a stroke this week..

He saw a picture of my grandmother when she was younger and couldn't help himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy and his grandfather are out fishing one day

When the grandfather pulls a beer out of the esky. The little boy asks, "Grandad, can I have a sip of your beer?" The grandfather replies, "can your dick touch your arse?" The little boy says no. So the Grandfather says "Then you can't have any beer"

A little later the grandfather lights up a...

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

My grandfather started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60

Now he's 97 and we have no idea where the hell he is

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.

He's a seasoned veteran.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

My Grandfather built me a car entirely out of wood

It had wooden seats, wooden doors, wooden steering wheel, wooden floors and a wooden engine. Unfortunately when I tried to start it, it wooden work.

I was really proud of my heritage until I found out that my great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic...

He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater...

My grandfather said...

That my generation relies way too much on modern technology, so I decided to unplug is life support.

I inherited my great-grandfather’s antique wig-making equipment.

It’s a family hairloom.

My late grandfather used to say:

Sorry I'm late

What's the difference between a grandfather clock and grandmother clock?

The dong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my great grandfather’s favorite jokes...

A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag. Guy says “Smart Pills,” his friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills,” then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says “These smar...

My grandfather turned 90 today, but he still doesn’t need glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn’t have a life insurance

He answered: “Because I want you to be truly sad when I am gone”

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

We asked our 75 year old grandfather why men die before women do.

He looks over at grandma and says “because they want to”.

A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"

'Yes there was" answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.

"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"

"Yes, absolutely"

answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.

My favourite childhood memory was making sandcastles with my grandfather.

Until my mother hid his urn away from me.

Credit. Sandi Toksvig

A grandfather and grandson are taking a walk around the yard after a rainstorm.

Seeing worms all over the sidewalk the grandfather decided to play a little prank on his grandson. "Billy," he says "I'll give you ten dollars if you can take one of those worms and put it back in it's hole."

Thinking this to be impossible, he watched as Billy played around with a worm for a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My piece of shit grandfather just got on reddit...

After a few days he asks me what "iykyk" means. I told him "if you know you know". He told me to go fuck myself.

My grandfather was an African drug dealer...

He used to work in the 1970s in Johannesburg as a pharmacist.

My Grandfather died in his sleep...

Everyone else in the car went out screaming.

My grandfather was the best Russian Roulette player

He only lost once

I was really heartbroken at my grandfather’s passing yesterday.

He can’t seem to throw the football as hard as he once did.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather, in his sleep

Not crying and screaming like his passengers

I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke

A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.

At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woma...

A little boy is sitting with his grandfather (Hans) on a hill overlooking their small town.

The grandfather points out a church in the middle of town and says, "you see that church? I built it, but do they call me "Hans the Church Builder"? No."

A couple minutes later, Hans points out a long brick wall along the outskirts of town. He says to his grandson, "you see that brick wall? I...

My grandfather was an electrician during WWII.

His uniform had a helmet with two thunderbolts on it

About a month before he died, my grandfather asked us to spray WD-40 all over his back.

After that, he went downhill fast.

My late grandfather was a dwarf.

He lived a short life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another World War II political joke that my grandfather told me.

You guys seem to like my last one so here's another one of my grandad's World War II jokes. Like I said I'll try to retell it like he did.

>There's this rabbi sitting down at a cafe reading a newspaper. One of his congregants notices that he's reading the Daily Stormer, which was the Nazi ...

I recently inherited an antique set of loaded dice from my grandfather. They used to belong to Al Capone himself.

In other words, we've been spending most our lives living with a gangster's pair of dice.

My 93 year old grandfather FTW

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."

All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.

"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."

When my grandfather died we scattered his remains in the sea

Everyone on the beach panicked because we didn't cremate him...

Rant: Please stop posting holocaust jokes. My great grandfather died in a concentration camp and it's very painful.

He fell off the guard tower.

My grandfather died yesterday.

My father and I started cleaning out his apartment.

When we passed by his dresser we noticed some papers that fell between the dresser and the wall. One of the papers was an unclaimed dry cleaning ticket.

Looking at the ticket, we saw it was for a black suit that was b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.

On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”

On a branch in the tree next to th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I find Nazi jokes in such bad taste because my grandfather died at Auschwitz...

He was drunk and fell off his observation tower.

My oldest dirty joke, From my grandfather around the campfire...

**An old couple gets pulled over and...**

Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"

Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"

Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."

**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**

Lady cop - "Oh, I ...

My grandfather’s last wishes was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before he died.3

"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"

My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

I'm so mad! I found out my grandfather clock is full of bugs.

I guess it's like they say, time flies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to visit my 80 year old grandfather who lives in a rural area [long]

He made me breakfast and as I was eating I noticed the plates had a film-like residue on them.

"Grandpa are these plates clean?", I asked him.

He responded, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Now hurry up and eat your food."

Later that day he made hamburgers and as w...

My grandfather went to war in a dogsled.

Sadly he was sleighn.

A joke my late grandfather told me...

Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.

My grandfather thinks TikTok is an app used to tell time.

It kind of is, because that definitely tells us how old he is.

A man takes his grandfather clock in to be repaired….

The repair person in the clock shop is an old German. The man says my grandfather clock only goes tik tik tik tik. They take the clock to the back room of the shop and tie it to a chair. The old man then lights up a cigarette, take a big drag, and blows the smoke in the clocks face. He sets the ciga...

My great grandfather saw The Titanic and he warned everyone it would sink, but they all ignored him Time and time again he warned them

until they threw him out of the movie theater

My grandfather seems really annoyed for having to use the stair lift to go upstairs.

He said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”

My grandfather told me this one.

A public worker goes to the doctor.


W- I’ve been feeling really tired lately and I always feel sleepy.

D- Well when did it begin?

W- It begun when they changed my work time...

D- How many hours do you work per week?

W- 35h

D- And how many hours did you w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,

"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."

"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."

My grandfather was a brilliant artist.

He had an amazing stroke.







That's how he died.

My grandfather donated a kidney and was considered a hero.

I donated five and was arrested!!!

My grandfather was arrested several times...

...for selling a phony immortality elixir.

Once in 1885, again in 1922, a third time in 1964, another time in December 2021...

My granddad died at exactly 3:45, and at precisely the same time his grandfather clock stopped.

"That's amazing."

"Not really. That's when it fell on top of him."

After my grandfather died, his lawyer told us that all of his assets were Frozen.

Why he bought so many DVDs of the movie—no one knows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandfather tells his grandson about the war.

"One day I and another two soldiers were taken prisoner, and enemies told us that if they fucked us in the ass, they would let us go, and if not, they would execute us.
The first agreed at once. He was fucked in the ass and released.
The second was already led to shoot, at the last moment he a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope's Coffee - From my grandfather

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the pope at the Vatican .


After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you.


Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give u...

Why did Einstein only own grandfather clocks

Because time is relative

What's worse than seeing your grandfather f**ing? [NSFW]

Feeling it.

When does the jokes Reddit board become a grandfather?

When the punchlines become apparent.
...

....
....
I'll see myself out.

Across the breakfast table, the young boy squints at his great grandfather.

"Pop," he says, "You're really old."

The old man chuckles. "I certainly am, son."

"How old are you Pop?"

"Why, I'm eighty-nine."

"Wow." the boy is impressed. "How did you get that old, Pop?"

"Well son, I'll tell you." The old man's faces grows serious, and glances...

As my Grandfather always said....

the day I can't come into to work drunk, is the day I hand in my gun and badge.

My grandfather used to circumcise elephants for a living.

The wages were poor, but the tips were enormous.

At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.

Unfortunately, the police found it.

I once asked my 97 year old grandfather what his secret was to such a long life.

He said, "I'm just waiting until I can afford a burial service."

I have an axe owned by George Washington.

My great, great, great grandfather had to replace the handle. And my great grandfather had to replace the blade.

But it is a treasured heirloom.

My Grandfather just told me this one.

Three bear hunters are in their lodge talking and one says, "I like to use my Remington to kill them", the other says, "I like to use my knife", the last one says, "I like to bring them back alive", the others laugh at him and go on with their night. Later one the third hunter goes outside to pee wh...

3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."

While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "

The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "

The other tw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s grandfather dies

A man’s grandfather dies and leaves him a farm. But he doesn’t have any animals. He goes for a walk and sees a sign that says animals for sale. He walks up and says I’d like a hen. The guy says alright we don’t call them hens we call em pullets. What else do you need? I need a donkey he says ok but ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy sees his grandfather enjoying a beer

The boy asks, "Can I have some of your beer?" The grandfather replies, "It depends... can you fit your own wiener in your butt?". The boy walked away figuring that what just his way of saying no.

The following day, the boy sees his grandfather eating a cookie so the boy asks "Can I have a coo...

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money, watch your health.”

So one day while I was watching my health, my grandfather stole my money.

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

My grandfather taught me the value of getting top quality speakers.

It was sound advice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandfather's favourite joke

First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off.

Rest in peace...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandfather, an 83 year old doctor that still practices, sent me this jokes. Enjoy.

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar : COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure h...

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long.

He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.