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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see if I wouldn’t be born

It’s the worst way to get to know I’m adopted..

My friend was really proud of his British heritage until he found out that his grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WWII.

Still to this day he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

One day a boy was playing in the garden of his house and his grandfather approached him:

Hey, what are you doing? Asked the grandfather.

The boy replied: I'm playing with putting worms back on the ground, Grandpa.

The amazed grandfather asked: but how do you put the worms back? they are all soft ...

It's a secret, but if you give me $ 10 I can tell you.

The g...

My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars..

..and came to us a seasoned Veteran.

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I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me..

"Stop shaking the ladder you little cunt!"

My grandfather came back from the war with 2 amputated legs and an amputated arm.

He never said exactly where he got them and the whole family was pretty disturbed when he displayed then over the fire place.

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

My grandfather always said: "If you hit something with the car, you should release it from its suffering"

Still, I felt sorry for the cyclist

Do you know what the last thing my grandfather said to me was before he kicked the bucket?

“Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”

I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke

A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.

At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woma...

My grandfather came up to me and asked, “do you know the most famous law firm in the world?”

I said “no, what is it?”

“Dowie Cheetem and Howe.”

What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"

My grandfather has the heart of a lion

and he is in prison for killing one

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...

not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

A girl goes over to her Italian grandfather’s house

to find him covered in salt and wrapping himself in pigs intestine. Shocked, the girl says “Grampa! What are you doing?!?”

The grandfather responds: “I founda I have-a the cancer, so I worka ona cure!”

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A little kid goes goes fishing with his grandfather

When they get to the fishing spot the grandfather lights a cigarette. The little boy asks “can I have one of those”. The grandfather takes a drag and asks “Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole”? The kid immediately says “No” and the grandfather says “then you’re not old enough for these”....

I can still remember my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket

He said to me:
Hey! Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

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One of my great grandfather’s favorite jokes...

A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag. Guy says “Smart Pills,” his friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills,” then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says “These smar...

My grandfather used to walk to school with M. C. Escher

He says it really was uphill both ways.

A little boy is sitting with his grandfather (Hans) on a hill overlooking their small town.

The grandfather points out a church in the middle of town and says, "you see that church? I built it, but do they call me "Hans the Church Builder"? No."

A couple minutes later, Hans points out a long brick wall along the outskirts of town. He says to his grandson, "you see that brick wall? I...

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[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”

Johnny: “No.”

Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.”

A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?”

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”...

Wonder if Kylo Ren took his grandfather's name in his honour.

Would be weird signing off orders as "K. A. Ren".

A grandfather asks his grandchild to bring him the blue pill and he would put 50€ in his wallet

The grandchild after searching for that blue pill in the whole neighborhood, finally finds it and gives it to his grandfather

Next morning he wakes up and finds 350€ in his wallet instead of 50€

Being confused about that goes to his grandfather and explains him what happened

The...

My grandfather's pig joke

A man decides to visit his friend who lives on a farm, and while they're having a beer on the porch, a pig with only three legs walks by. So he asks his friend, "Why does that pig only have three legs?"

The farmer gets excited and says, "That pig? Oh, let me tell you about that pig. Such a wo...

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A grandfather takes his grandson camping

They set up the tent and a fire and then his grandfather pulls out a beer.

The kid asks “hey grandpa can I try some of that?”

Grandpa says “can your dick touch your ass?”

Kid says “no”

Grandpa says “well you ain’t gettin none”

Grandpa pulls out a cigar and starts p...

One of my Great Grandfathers favorites...

A traveling salesman steps off of a bus in a small Midwestern town. He has some time to kill so he asks the ticket counter clerk what there is to do around the area. The ticket clerk tells him that all the bars are closed because it's Sunday but if he walks down to the end of the main road there's a...

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

My grandfather told me this one

Doctor: "so tell me, how did you burn your ear?"


Patient: "I was ironing my clothes and the phone rang, and instead of picking up the phone I put the iron to my ear"


Doctor: "so how did your other ear burn?"


Patient: "well I had to call an ambulance didn't I?"

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

I’ve been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator.

Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears Gramps calmly say, "Its okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there boy."

At the checkout, the little te...

A guy says: "My great grandfather died in the concentration camps"

Then he laughs: "He fell from the guard tower"

"Stop telling jokes about this" His friend replies - "My great grandma also died in concentration camps"

"Oh I'm sorry"

"Yeah, some idiot dumbass dude fell on top of her from the guard tower"

My grandfather warned the people that the Titanic would sink.......

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre.

My grandfather always told me "A marriage completes a man....

After that he is finished."

My grandfather used to tell me this joke

Three British kids are arguing about whose father is superior.

one says "my dad drinksba full cup hot tea in a sip"

then the other says "well my dad drinks it straight out of the pot"

upon hearing nothing from the third kid they ask "Peter how does your dad drinks tea"
...

Grandson asks his grandfather

Grandpa, is it true, that during the WW2 you took down six German planes?
Well, grandson, take down is a strong word, let’s say, not fully fueled.

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My grandfather told me this joke and thought it was pretty funny.

Plane is about to take off, and the people are all taken their seats.The captain starts up the plane, and announces to the crew ,"Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your Captain speaking. We will be flying at thirty-nine thousand feet on our flight from Atlanta to London. We are expecti...

I recently ordered a Grandfather clock online. I was surprised how small the package was when it arrived.

I really need to learn to check my spelling.

A coconut tree grew out of grandfather's grave.

:facepalm:

My grandfather survived agent orange during the Vietnam war. My great grandfather survived mustard gas in WWII.

I come from a line of seasoned veterans.

When my grandfather died I found out he had a massive collection of clocks he built and was pretty popular

I later found out through a typo he was more popular for other things

A man has just bought a grandfather clock from an antique store.

He’s carefully carrying it out of the store onto the sidewalk when all of the sudden the town drunk runs into him smashing the grandfather clock and knocking both of them down.

The man jumps up and says “why don’t you watch where you’re going!”

To which the drunk replies “why don’t you...

The last thing my grandfather said to me was “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”

That spoke volumes.

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

My grandfather said his girlfriend died of gonorrhoea. I said “you don’t die from gonorrhoea”

He said “You do when you give it to me”

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A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

My grandfather

My grandfather always used to say "When I was a lad you could leave your door open". That's probably the reason his submarine sank.

Who invented the Grandfather clock?

Pendulum Franklin.

My German grandfather was probably the first moderator on Reddit.

At least he was dying for his sub.

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A grandfather, father, and son are paired with a very attractive woman for a round of golf

The three are amazed to find that this woman is an amazing golfer. She outplays them on almost every hold, and come up to the 18th green at 1 over par with a 20ft Birdie putt. She tells the three guys

"Alright, this is the first time I've ever had a chance at shooting par. Whoever correctly h...

My grandfather said youth can't live without technology these days

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support

My late grandfather’s favorite joke

A man woke up one morning and his cheeks was swollen and contorted, his eyes were almost completely shut and his lips puckered tight. He rushed over to the hospital and sees a doctor immediately.

“Doctor, what’s wrong with me?” Asked the man.

“Your test results came back inconclusive, ...

The day he turned 65 my grandfather started walking 5 miles a day. He's 97 now.

And we have no idea where he is.

My late grandfather's favourite line.

What time is it?

My grandfather did 5 years in Vietnam.

Turns out armed robbery is illegal there too.

My Grandfather always used to say "As one door closes, another one opens".

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

My grandfather made a fortune manufacturing kitchen appliances

He was a fridge magnate.

Credit: Hot Fuzz

I don't think holocaust jokes are funny. My grandfather died in a concentration camp.

He was so drunk, he fell off the watchtower.

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

My mom said I was named after my grandfather—a war hero who died in Korea.

Of course I was named after him, I was born like 80 years after him.

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Grandfather's been doing well in his battle against his Viagra addiction- but Grandma has some concerns.

She's afraid he won't be able to keep it up.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

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A boy was sitting with his grandfather...

After a while of silence, the grandfather points out to the city and says, "do you see that road, grandson? I built that road with my own hands. But do they call me 'Peter the Road Layer'? No... "

He scans the city, and points again. "And that church, there. I built that church board by board...

I called my elderly grandfather to check in on him

He told me that he wasn't doing so well, and the doctor said he didn't have much time left.

"Which doctor?" I asked

"No not a witch a doctor, a real doctor"

I lost my grandfather to a blood transfusion

My friend ask what was his last words:

Be positive

So, I asked my German grandfather hoe racist he was, scale of 1 to 10

He said "NEIN!"

My grandfather died after being crushed by a piano

His funeral was very low key

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long.

He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in t...

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My grandfather is really upset at the new stair chair lift he got for his house.

He said, “It’s driving me up the fucking wall.”

My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it...

Him: Knock Knock

Me: Who’s there?

Him: Howard

Me: Howard who?

Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change?

This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.

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Grandfather and Grandson

A boy was told to spend the week with his grandparents, so he did. He often found himself spending time with his grandpa. He didn’t know why because his grandpa would not let him do anything.

When they went fishing, the boy asked if he could hold the pole, and his foul mouthed grandpa asked, ...

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In these uncertain times I think of what my grandfather wouldsay if he were still alive

Get me the fuck outta this box! I can't breathe!

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.

The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly."

The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the ...

About a month before he died, my grandfather asked us to spray WD-40 all over his back.

After that, he went downhill fast.

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

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My grandfather was treated very poorly by Nazi's during World War II

Time and time again those bastards screwed him out of a promotion.

For my birthday my grandfather gave me half a penny.

He handed me a penny and told me because it is my birthday I could keep the change.


When he died we were instructed not to throw in flowers because he didn't like them so I threw in a penny and said "Here is the other half of the penny, because it is your funeral keep the change."

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My grandfather's favourite joke

First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off.

Rest in peace...

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

My great-grandfather kept screaming, "The Titantic's going to sink! The Titanic's going to sink." And everyone got angry...

... so they kicked him out of the movie theater.

Even Though it's been 20 years since my Grandfather choked to death on a piece of sushi

It's still pretty raw

The other day I walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's d*ck.

I just find it weird that they didn't cremate it with the rest of him.

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A little girl was visiting her grandfather and asked him to read her a book, as she was bored

“Alright I suppose I will....”, gave in her grandfather, “...but you are going to have to get me my glasses”, he said.

The girl replied, “why do you need glasses?”

“Well, since I’m getting old, I can’t see very well without them!”, he exclaimed.

The girl took the grandfather out...

My grandfather passed away recently and I'll never forget his last words

"Son, that gun's loaded". So tragic, RIP grandfather

My grandfather died while commenting on a Facebook post

I’ll not see the likes of him again

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I got into a discussion with my coworker today about surnames. How they originated from what people were known for. Smith, shoemaker, etc.

Well my great great great great great great grandfather's name was Horace P. Horsefucker.
He got a bad rap. It was consensual...though the horse said neigh.

Englishman bragging, “My grandfather lived for 96 years and never used glasses”

Russian: Yes I know, some people in my family also drink directly from the bottle

How ungrateful people are

My grandfather tried to warn everyone that the Titanic was going to sink. Besides not believing in him, they also expelled him from the movie theater!

I told my grandfather than I suck at whistling.

He said "That's why!"

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It’s a little boy’s seventh birthday.

For his birthday, his parents buy him a really superb cowboy outfit. I mean, it’s got everything: the boots, the spurs, the tiny plastic revolvers. The boy is thrilled; he doesn’t take the outfit off all day.

That evening, the little boy’s parents take him out to an ice cream parlor for a ...

My Grandfather was a schizophrenic

He was strict but he's good people.

My grandfather was in the air force in the Second World War, surviving over 30 combat missions in hostile airspace.

He was by far the worst pilot of the entire Kamikaze corps.

A grandchild goes to visit his grandfather who recently became a widower.

The grandfather told his grandchild that, due to his wife passing, he had started cooking. The grandchild didn’t expect his grandfather to ever begin cooking, so they headed towards the dining room to see what he made for dinner.

When they sat down, the grandchild notice that the food looked...

There was once a hillbilly in first grade

His teacher once asked him:

"Do you know what the chicken gives us?"

"Eggs" he answered

"Correct, anything else?"

"More eggs"

"Beside the eggs, what does the chicken give us?"

"Even more eggs, ma'am"

"I'll give you a hint - it's something fluffy"
<...

My grandfather turned 65 and started running a mile a day to stay fit.

He’s 70 now and we still have no idea where he is.

My grandfather always used to say, “I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work!”

Good man. Disgusting bartender.

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I recently purchased a grandfather clock.

It's like a regular clock except sometimes it forgets the time and pisses itself.

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

After years of fighting his cigarette addiction my grandfather finally quit

Breathing...

My grandfather taught me one thing before he died.

If you smoke a pack of cigarettes a day for 130 years then you will live a long life.

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