My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.

He's a seasoned veteran.

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

We asked our 75 year old grandfather why men die before women do.

He looks over at grandma and says “because they want to”.

My grandfather with alzheimer died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 8 year old girl asks a question to her grandfather.

An eight-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard, and asked him: "Grandpa, what is couple sex?''
The grandfather was very surprised that she would ask such a question. But he decided that if she was old enough to know to ask the question, then she was old enough to get ...

At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.

Unfortunately, the police found it.

My Grandfather has a heart of a lion

and a life time ban at the zoo

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I still remember my grandfather's last words to me..

STOP SHAKING THE LADDER YOU LITTLE SHIT

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology...

So I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.

Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Man...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.

All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Abdullah.

"How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson.
It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Abdu...

So my grandfather died from asbestosis

Took us a week to cremate him

My chinese friend's grandfather got hit by a bus.

He was lying in his hospital bed when I came to visit him.
I had only entered the room when he began gasping and wheezing.
Worrying that he may be dying ,I quickly went near him and asked if he had any last words.
He then spoke in his native language, after a pause, in a very whispery tone...

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......

My Grandfather witnessed what was about to happen to the Titanic firsthand.

He screamed and yelled trying to alert everyone of what was about to happen.

He yelled three more times until it finally happened.

​

They kicked him out of the theater.

I went to visit my 80 year old grandfather who lives in a rural area [long]

He made me breakfast and as I was eating I noticed the plates had a film-like residue on them.

"Grandpa are these plates clean?", I asked him.

He responded, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Now hurry up and eat your food."

Later that day he made hamburgers and as w...

A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. “Did God make you, PopPop?” the girl asks.

“Yep! He certainly did,” the old man answers.

​

“And did he make me too?” she asks next.

​

“Of course he did,” the old man answers again.

​

“Well,” she replies, “he’s certainly getting better at it.”

I'm very appalled by holocaust jokes.

They are of poor taste and aren't funny.
My own grandfather died in a concentration camp.

The poor fellow, god bless his soul, went to get some food and accidentally fell down from his watchtower.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW A boy and his grandfather are fishing

Grandpa cracks open a beer. The boy asks for a sip. “Can your dick touch your ass?” asks Grandpa.
“Well, no,” says the boy.
“Then no.”
Later, Grandpa lights a cigar. “Can I try?” asks the boy.
“Can your dick touch your ass?”
“No,” says the boy.
“Then no.”
After dinner, th...

Today, I remember my grandfather who died in Auschwitz

He slipped and fell off the guard tower.

I still remember my grandfathers last words before he kicked the bucket

"how far do you think I can kick this bucket"

My grandfather passed away, so I wrote a joke for him I thought he'd find funny: My grandfather is the man I looked up to most until I was 10 years old

Because around then I shot right past 6 feet.

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

What did my grandfather say before he kicked the bucket?

Let's see how far this bucket goes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandfather overdosed on Viagra the other day.

My grandma took it pretty hard that night; the next morning and all day long!

A young boy finds his grandfather, an avid gardener, working in his garden one afternoon.

“What do you usually put on your celery?” the boy asks his grandfather. The old man wipes the sweat and dirt from his forehead. He’s amazed his grandson has taken such an interest in his hobby. “Well, I usually put on a mix of enriched soil and rotted horse manure.” “That’s weird,” the grandson repl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We just found out that my grandfather left all his money to Pornhub.

Apparently it was there for him during the hard times.

For my late grandfather, his favorite joke. "My wife, she can't wrestle..."

"But you should see her box!"

And he'd laugh. And laugh. And laugh.

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?

Me: I don’t know, why?

Boss: Because the grandfather whose funeral you missed work for yesterday is on the phone.

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

My girlfriend's birthday is the same day as my grandfather's

I am between spend the day with the person with whom I lost my virginity or with my girlfriend, I dont know what to do

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

found a very old photo my great-great grandfather took in 1874

in the photo he was wearing a tall black hat.

​

i took the photo to the local restoration shop and asked if they could restore it. "no problem" said the assistant.

​

"is it possible you could take his hat off? because he looked better without it."...

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

My grandfather shot down 20 German bombers in the war.

Poor Friedrich, he was never cut out to be a fighter pilot.

A Grandfather talks to his grandson

Grandpa: Back then, for a dollah, I could get rice, milk, sardines, eggs, four boxes of cereal, a bottle of coke, some chips, and a tub of ice cream






Grandson: How about now, Grandpa?





Grandpa: Now a days, it's impossible to do anything with all dem g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandfather, a Vietnam veteran,hooked up with a Viet girl a few years after the war.

He told me the story of how they met at a bar, and how he took her home that night, and how he began having PTSD flashbacks as soon as she undressed.

"Why's that?" I asked him.

"It was just like the war," he said. "I couldn't see the Vietnamese in all the bush."

\----

Be...

I went to my grandfathers house this weekend

On the first night, while eating dinner, I asked "Grandad, are you sure these are clean?"
"As clean as cold water could get them." He said

The next day, I asked again,"grandad, are you sure these are clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them." He replied again

On the third da...

Two guys are arguing, whose grandfather was higher.

-Mine was high as a tree.
-Mine was higher, as a mountain .
- Mine was so high, that he could touch the stars.
- Were the stars round?
- yes
- Were they warm?
- yes
- So that was my grandfather's balls.

I'm so mad! I found out my grandfather clock is full of bugs.

I guess it's like they say, time flies.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My (American) grandfather's joke which I just shared with my (French) husband

There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation; All the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told t...

My grandfather is so good at Russian Roulette

that he only lost once

My grandfather told me that a baby crying was the most painful thing in the world...

So I threw one at a guy crossing the road

My great grandfather is a really spiritual person

He’s dead.

When my grandfather died, we scattered his remains in the sea.

People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

Mom: did you see how your grandfather get interviewed by CNN?

me: Yea mom that’s old news

My grandfather died because his medical report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Typo.

My grandfather once told me, “your generation is too reliant on technology!”

“You’re goddamn right”, I said as I remotely hacked into his life support system and disabled it via my smart watch

My grandfather always said

"Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.

It was my grandfather.

I look up to my grandfather as a national hero

He did many great thing, he was a soldier in ww1 and even killed hitler in ww2.

My grandfather was a very talented blacksmith

He could do all swords of things

My grandfather has a French rifle from WW2 for sale on eBay

The description reads "never fired. Dropped once "

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of my grandfather's favorite jokes; namely because after he told it to me I told it in front of my speech class in high school and he found that to be the funniest thing he ever heard.

One day a good ole country boy went to work in a general store. Things are fine, but after awhile the owner gets called out on an emergency.

The owner tells the good ole boy, "Whenever someone comes in you get them what they want."

So the owner leaves and a man comes in and tells the ...

The last thing my grandfather said to me just before kicking the bucket…

“Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket”

My grandfather was a cop. He was dying because he needed blood for blood tranfusion.

Everytime we would ask "Anything you need?", he would say "Oh, Negative".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

My grandmother and grandfather’s names were Pearl and Dean...

But I always called them Grandma and Grand PAPA PAPA PAPA PAPA PAPAPA, PAPA PAPA PAPA PAPAAAAAA, PA!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I find Nazi jokes in such bad taste because my grandfather died at Auschwitz...

He was drunk and fell off his observation tower.

My Grandfather started walking 5 Miles a Day when he was 60.

He's 95 now and we have no idea where he is!

When my grandfather was dying we struggled to figure out his blood type. He just kept telling us to be positive.

and then they just gave him o-negative because it works with all blood types

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just found out that my grandfather was refused his organ transplant.

I don’t have the balls to tell him.

My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear."

Which was good advice...... Or was it ?

My grandfather was a great man, he went down in history

One time he also fingered a girl in Geography

“He looks just like his grandfather”—- a sweet thing to say about a new baby in most parts of the world.

In Alabama, it’s an accusation.

My hypoglycemic grandfather dropped his cup of raisins.

He lost his raisins to live.

First /r/jokes. Please be nice :)

A grandfather tells his grandchild one of his stories from WW2

Grandfather : "Our squad was once captured by the enemy, half of us were raped, the other half got brutally killed."

Grandchild : "Which half were you part of grandpa' ?"

Grandfather : "Pfft, is that even a question ? Obviously the latter !"

I still remember my grandfather's last words before he passed away

"Son, you are stepping on the oxygen tank"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandfather never forgave the Japanese for Pearl Harbor.

Until I explained to him that it was the Americans who made that movie.

A kid comes to his grandfather...

*"Hey Gramps, do you want to watch soccer with me?*

*"Sure, who's playing?"*

*"Austria-Hungary"*

*"Against whom?*

My highschool teacher just became a grandfather

True story, a little background I had a teacher in highschool that I kept up with after graduation, he is also a little Aspergery.

So I just found out that he became a grandfather so I asked him What are you gonna have the kid call you ie grandad, grandpa, gramps etc... And in complete seriou...

(91 year old grandfather told me this one) why don't ants freeze in the winter?

because they have ANTi-freeze

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy visits his grandparents, and is sitting on the front porch with his grandfather.

Soon Grandma comes out and gives Grandpa a cigar. He lights up while the boy watches, and the boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Rather than answering, the man snaps, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" The boy thinks about this, then shakes his head no. "Of course not, because you're a l...

(From my grandfather)A man from the city goes to work on a farm

He helps the farmer with the harvesting and is riding the tractor around the big field while the farmer is working at one place. Everytime the man passes the farmer he greets him with a simple ''Hey''. This goes on for a little while, until the end of the day.

The farmer walks up to the man ...

3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."

While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "

The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "

The other tw...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandpa told me "All you kids do these days is play video games"...

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

My grandfather seems really annoyed for having to use the stair lift to go upstairs.

He said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”

I have to stand directly in front of my ninety-four year old grandfather and repeat myself many, many times to get his attention. And he isn't even deaf.

He's just a trifle hard of caring.

My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open.

Which is probably why his submarine sank.

A little boy and his grandfather

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I found out my grandfather died at a concentration camp.

Stupid bastard tripped and fell out of his guard tower.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old joke from my great-grandfather.

*read this in a southern accent*

Our story today takes place back in World War 2, the sequel.

So one day, old Uncle Sam pointed to our friend, a man we'll Bubba, and said "I want you!"
So Bubba, a good man he was, said "alright." And went and joined the army.
The day comes when...

My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me he'd drunk more than usual the day before.

"What's more than usual?" I asked.

"A case."

"You can drink a case in a day?!"

"Well," he grumbled defensively, "it doesn't take all day."

I was talking to my grandfather about tattoos...

He told me he never got one but I asked him if he did, what would he get. He told me he would have gotten a beautiful woman's face. I asked where he would have gotten it and he said "On your grandmother's face"

I tried to stop my 103 year old grandfather from going mountain climbing

He told me not to worry because he was in his prime

During class, I told my teacher that my grandfather had died.

She gave me an F on my quiz to pay respects

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.

On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”

On a branch in the tree next to th...

A young boy who stutters is talking to his grandfather

He asks him, "w-why are y-y-you g-g-g-going to s-s-see the d-doctor"

The grandfather says, "I have prostate problems"

The boy says, "W-w-what's that?"

The grandfather answers, "I pee like you talk"

Before he passed, my grandfather was a professional photographer.

Oh how I miss good ol papa razzi

My grandfather always gave 100%

He died donating blood

My grandfather has Alzheimer's so bad

that everytime he farts, he calls the fire department.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girls grandfather died.

The girl asks the grandmother “How did he die?”

“Well he died while we were having sex” replied the grandmother.

“Well of course he died he was 96” exclaimed the girl.

“No we had sex every Sunday. It went in on the ding and out on the dong of the church bells... he would still...

My grandfather survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings

Being in Canada helped.

My grandfather works with a couple of hypochondriacs

Sometimes he will make up a fake illness to see how long it takes them to catch it.

​

We called my grandfather "Spiderman"...

He didn't have any special super-hero powers or anything- he just couldn't get out of the bath sometimes.

A little boy is sitting on a porch with his grandpa, watching a worm in the dirt

He says to his grandpa "I'll bet you I can put that worm into that little hole in the ground".

The grandfather laughs him off, and says "nah, the hole is too small, and the worm too wriggly, there's no way to fit it in there".

The little boy smiles widely, and says "wanna bet $5"?
<...

My grandfather was a medical photographer who specialized in documenting infectious diseases. It's a miracle he survived well into his 80s...

Over the years, he told me he developed malaria, dengue, tuberculosis and dozens of unknown rashes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandfather, a ww2 vet, would always tell us the story about how he killed 50 Japanese with his bare hands.

2017 was a successful year for the racist bastard.

My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic...

He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater...

My grandfather tried to warn people about the Titanic.

Before they set sail, he ran around trying to warn people that the ship would sink. No one would listen to him. Frantic, he kept yelling, “this ship will sink! This ship is going to sink!” Yet no one listened. Shorty after, we were escorted from the grounds and asked not to return. That’s the story ...

My grandfather was a very intelligent man.

He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon. Only problem was it never really took off.

My grandfather died last night. They couldn't figure out his blood type in time to give him a transfusion. He was such an inspirational guy to the very end though, I'll never forget his last words to me.

"Be positive"

A joke my grandfather told me

As you may know, many small churches in England have bell towers. Well, the bellringer for one such church, upon reaching retirement age, quit his position, leaving a job opening. Unfortunately, the demand for such a job was low and the bellringer position remained empty for several weeks. Eventuall...

My grandfathers star sign was cancer which is ironic seeing how he died.

He was eaten by a giant crab.

A young man helps his grandfather with his computer issues

His grandfather seems to be unable to set a password.

Trying to figure out the problem the young man looks at the password the old man is trying to set

His password is “ParisLondonMickeyMouse”

Puzzled by this, the man asks his grandfather why he wants to set this password anyway...

My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement

He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

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