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[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Man...

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. My grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them.

After a few...

My grandfather told me how he tried and tried to warn people that Titanic will sink.

He continued shouting until he was finally kicked out of the cinema!

My great grandfather is a really spiritual person

He’s dead.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car.

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

My great-grandfather warned everyone that the Titanic would sink

He screamed that the ship would sink, but nobody would listen.

He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again... until he was kicked out of the cinema.

I will never forget my grandfather’s last words...

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

A grandfather tells his grandchild one of his stories from WW2

Grandfather : "Our squad was once captured by the enemy, half of us were raped, the other half got brutally killed."

Grandchild : "Which half were you part of grandpa' ?"

Grandfather : "Pfft, is that even a question ? Obviously the latter !"

I look up to my grandfather as a national hero

He did many great thing, he was a soldier in ww1 and even killed hitler in ww2.

(91 year old grandfather told me this one) why don't ants freeze in the winter?

because they have ANTi-freeze

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

When my grandfather died, we scattered his remains in the sea.

People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.

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A boy visits his grandparents, and is sitting on the front porch with his grandfather.

Soon Grandma comes out and gives Grandpa a cigar. He lights up while the boy watches, and the boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Rather than answering, the man snaps, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" The boy thinks about this, then shakes his head no. "Of course not, because you're a l...

My grandfather was a very talented blacksmith

He could do all swords of things

I still remember my grandfather's last words before he passed away

"Son, you are stepping on the oxygen tank"

“He looks just like his grandfather”—- a sweet thing to say about a new baby in most parts of the world.

In Alabama, it’s an accusation.

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My (American) grandfather's joke which I just shared with my (French) husband

There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation; All the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told t...

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre.

My grandfather was a great man, he went down in history

One time he also fingered a girl in Geography

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I find Nazi jokes in such bad taste because my grandfather died at Auschwitz...

He was drunk and fell off his observation tower.

My hypoglycemic grandfather dropped his cup of raisins.

He lost his raisins to live.

First /r/jokes. Please be nice :)

I still remember my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket

*"how far do you think this bucket will go?" He said*

I was talking to my grandfather...

When he said "your generation relies too much on technology"

I then said " no grandpa yours does" Then I unplugged his life support.

A little boy and his grandfather

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back ...

My grandfather use to say "Don't believe everything you hear."

Which was good advice...... Or was it ?

My grandfather seems really annoyed for having to use the stair lift to go upstairs.

He said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”

My grandfather was sipping a beer when he confessed to me he'd drunk more than usual the day before.

"What's more than usual?" I asked.

"A case."

"You can drink a case in a day?!"

"Well," he grumbled defensively, "it doesn't take all day."

Before he passed, my grandfather was a professional photographer.

Oh how I miss good ol papa razzi

During class, I told my teacher that my grandfather had died.

She gave me an F on my quiz to pay respects

I was talking to my grandfather about tattoos...

He told me he never got one but I asked him if he did, what would he get. He told me he would have gotten a beautiful woman's face. I asked where he would have gotten it and he said "On your grandmother's face"

I tried to stop my 103 year old grandfather from going mountain climbing

He told me not to worry because he was in his prime

My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open.

Which is probably why his submarine sank.

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I found out my grandfather died at a concentration camp.

Stupid bastard tripped and fell out of his guard tower.

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“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”

My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

My grandfather always gave 100%

He died donating blood

3 boys are bragging about their grandfathers

The first boy said: "My grandpa's mansion is worth a million dollars."

While the second said:"Well my grandpa's mansion is worth 5 million, he has a private basketball court and a clubhouse too. "

The last one said:" My grandpa's roof is worth 15 million alone... "

The other tw...

My grandfather has Alzheimer's so bad

that everytime he farts, he calls the fire department.

My grandfather works with a couple of hypochondriacs

Sometimes he will make up a fake illness to see how long it takes them to catch it.

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We called my grandfather "Spiderman"...

He didn't have any special super-hero powers or anything- he just couldn't get out of the bath sometimes.

A young boy who stutters is talking to his grandfather

He asks him, "w-why are y-y-you g-g-g-going to s-s-see the d-doctor"

The grandfather says, "I have prostate problems"

The boy says, "W-w-what's that?"

The grandfather answers, "I pee like you talk"

My grandfather tried to warn people about the Titanic.

Before they set sail, he ran around trying to warn people that the ship would sink. No one would listen to him. Frantic, he kept yelling, “this ship will sink! This ship is going to sink!” Yet no one listened. Shorty after, we were escorted from the grounds and asked not to return. That’s the story ...

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An old joke from my great-grandfather.

*read this in a southern accent*

Our story today takes place back in World War 2, the sequel.

So one day, old Uncle Sam pointed to our friend, a man we'll Bubba, and said "I want you!"
So Bubba, a good man he was, said "alright." And went and joined the army.
The day comes when...

My grandfather was a medical photographer who specialized in documenting infectious diseases. It's a miracle he survived well into his 80s...

Over the years, he told me he developed malaria, dengue, tuberculosis and dozens of unknown rashes.

A kid comes to his grandfather...

*"Hey Gramps, do you want to watch soccer with me?*

*"Sure, who's playing?"*

*"Austria-Hungary"*

*"Against whom?*

A little boy is sitting on a porch with his grandpa, watching a worm in the dirt

He says to his grandpa "I'll bet you I can put that worm into that little hole in the ground".

The grandfather laughs him off, and says "nah, the hole is too small, and the worm too wriggly, there's no way to fit it in there".

The little boy smiles widely, and says "wanna bet $5"?
<...

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My grandpa told me "All you kids do these days is play video games"...

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

My grandfather has the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban at the zoo.

Man, my Grandfather was such a great pilot.

He returned from almost 15 Kamikaze missions! God bless him

My great grandfather got me an IPad for my birthday.

My so-so grandfather got me a pair of socks.

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When I was eight my grandfather told me...

There was this small pond in the woods and above it a fly was buzzing back and forth.

On the edge of the pond was a frog. The frog thought to itself, “If only that buzzing fly were a little lower I could hop up over the pond and eat it for my lunch.”

On a branch in the tree next to th...

I’ll always remember my grandfather’s favorite saying: Be envied, not envious.

Every day, I wish I was the one who thought of that quote.

My grandfather died last night. They couldn't figure out his blood type in time to give him a transfusion. He was such an inspirational guy to the very end though, I'll never forget his last words to me.

"Be positive"

Good news! I've just inherited an estate from my great grandfather!

Bad news, it's a 1975 Volvo...

My grandfather was telling me about his new top-of-the-line hearing aid.

"Yeah, it's the most expensive model they had! It cost me almost $6000!"

"What kind is it?"

"About a quarter past 6."

My grandfather was terminally ill...

The doctors said there was nothing they could do for him so we took him to see a naturopath who told us to cover his back in grease.

But after that he just went downhill very quickly.


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Blatantly stolen from the great Milton Jones

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My grandfather, a ww2 vet, would always tell us the story about how he killed 50 Japanese with his bare hands.

2017 was a successful year for the racist bastard.

My grandfather always lets his phone, dubbed freedom, go to voicemail

He lets freedom ring

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A girls grandfather died.

The girl asks the grandmother “How did he die?”

“Well he died while we were having sex” replied the grandmother.

“Well of course he died he was 96” exclaimed the girl.

“No we had sex every Sunday. It went in on the ding and out on the dong of the church bells... he would still...

My grandfather survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings

Being in Canada helped.

My grandfather got pretty burnt the other day

They don't muck around at the crematorium

A joke my grandfather told me

As you may know, many small churches in England have bell towers. Well, the bellringer for one such church, upon reaching retirement age, quit his position, leaving a job opening. Unfortunately, the demand for such a job was low and the bellringer position remained empty for several weeks. Eventuall...

My grandfathers star sign was cancer which is ironic seeing how he died.

He was eaten by a giant crab.

My grandfather was a brilliant artist.

He had an amazing stroke.

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That's how he died.

My grandfather was a prison guard.

He told me a story one day about an inmate he knew back years ago. He said

“On my first day of work I spotted this guy who had the nicest cell in the joint. TV, silk sheets, food whenever he wanted it. I had no clue why.

I eventually found out that everyone there - the other guards, t...

Joke my grandfather told me (he thought it was hysterical)

One day a man goes to his doctor and complains of pains saying, "Doctor, doctor! It hurts when I go like this!" (My grandpa then lifted his right arm.)

So what does the doctor say? The doctor says, "Well then don't go like this!" (Grandpa proceeded to raise same right arm again. Grandpa then ...

My grandfather knew before the titanic sank that it was going to happen.

He kept yelling and telling peope over and over but no one listened. They then threw him out of the theater, he’s not allowed back.

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(NSFW) A grandfather and his 16 year old grandson are on a fishing trip...

The grandfather opens a beer and starts drinking. The grandson asks the grandfather "can I get a sip of that?" The grandfather then asks "can your dick reach your ass?" "No wtf?" the grandson replies. "I'm sorry but then you're not man enough to have a beer" says the grandfather.
Later that day ...

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A kid and his grandfather are sitting in the living room together

Grandma leaves to go to the grocery store "You boys behave.", she says.

Grandpa stands up once she leaves and says "Well I'm gonna grab a beer and enjoy myself now."

The grandson looks at him and asks "Hey Grandpa, can I maybe have a beer?"

Grandpa says "Well, does your dick tou...

My Welsh grandfather passed away yesterday

He died peacefully in his sheep.

My grandfather was a very intelligent man.

He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon. Only problem was it never really took off.

When my grandfather passed away, we were surprised

. . . to discover a small locked box in his closet. No one in the family had ever seen it before and no one could provide any guess as to what it might contain. Curiosity eventually overtook us and we brought the box to a locksmith to be opened. Inside were some trophies, many small discs and a c...

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I remember the last thing my grandfather said to me:

ARE YOU STILL HOLDING THE FUCKING LADDER?!

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A little boy walked up to his grandfather on the front porch...

He saw his grandpa drinking a beer and asked if he could try it. His grandpa asked him in return, "Can your dick touch your asshole?" The little boy thought about it for a second and replied with a hesitant, "No." "Then you ain't a man yet so get outta here!"

A couple days later her see his ...

My grandfather stopped smoking twenty years ago today.

I'll never forget that house fire.

In the weeks leading up to my grandfathers death he had to use a wheelchair.

After that he went downhill very quickly.

My grandfather used to earn a living as a contortionist

But lately he's struggling to make ends meet.

A young man helps his grandfather with his computer issues

His grandfather seems to be unable to set a password.

Trying to figure out the problem the young man looks at the password the old man is trying to set

His password is “ParisLondonMickeyMouse”

Puzzled by this, the man asks his grandfather why he wants to set this password anyway...

My grandfather was arrested numerous times for selling a phony life lengthening drug...

Once in 1888, again in 1922, a third time in 1954, and another time in January 2018

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A grandfather and his grandchild leaf through the old family album and find a WW2-era photo

The grandchild asks who the uniformed people on the photo are and the grandfather solemnly says: “It’s the Nazis, kid. They were very, very bad men who murdered a great lot of innocent people, they made war and enslaved other people and they were against any freedom. Very, very bad men.”

The ...

My grandfather predicted that the Titanic would sink.

He tried to warn everyone that it was going to sink, but the fools wouldn't listen. Being the good man that he was, he kept on urging people to heed his warning, right up until he was escorted out of the movie theatre by security.

"Not everything is black and white," said my grandfather.

He loves commentating on Schindler's List.

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania

Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement

He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

My great grandfather was a pilot in the Army.

My grandfather told me this one.

"Boy, did I ever tell you your great grandfather was a pilot in the Army?"

"Hmm no, I don't think so...Wait, the army had pilots back then?"

"Oh yeah, for sure! The seargent used to call for him and say, 'PRIVATE! GET THAT WHEELBARROW OF D...

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(My grandfather told me this) Two solider

Two solider just walking on the street. They are very hungry and nothing to eat. They saw a dead body with a big belly. They say he must have eaten something. They argue a lot and finally decide to cut up his belly with a knife. Its full of delicious pasta. One of the solider starts to eat it while ...

Did you hear about the grandfather that overdosed on viagara?

They couldn’t close his casket

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The other day, I walked in on my grandma sucking my grandfathers dick...

Weird...I thought they would have cremated all of him.

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My Grandfather is getting old, it's sad he can't do the things he used to do, bless him

You know, bomb the Japanese.

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I was arrested for putting my penis into a stranger's grandfather clock.

I'm still doing time.

My whole family bonded over math. Calculus was our religion. Except my grandfather...

...he was against integration.

Credit: Matthew Broussard

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[NSFW] "Grandfather, which websites are you looking at?"

"Those are just some history websites."
"Let me have a look: but Grandfather, those are porn websites!"
"For you - it's porn. For me - history..."

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A young boy was going to the golf course with his grandfather

He was looking around the trunk of the new BMW. “What’re these?” he asked, pulling a small sack from the golf bag after his grandfather had loaded his clubs.

“Those are tees,” the old man said. “You put your balls in them when you drive.”

“Wow,” the boy said, “those BMW people think ...

Grandfather, are these plates clean?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate. So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?" His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go o...

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, ...

My grandfather said "if you drink Scotch every day for 100 years"

You'll live a long time.

A gem of a story from my grandfather.

My grandmother needed athlete’s foot cream so they went to a pharmacy to find some. The pharmacist didn’t speak a word of English and after about 5 minutes of trying to explain what my grandmother needed my grandfather gave up and walked out. 2 minutes later my grandmother walked out with the anti f...

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“Las Bolas del Toro”, a joke my grandfather loves to tell me.

A young man visits Spain on a trip, he hears a ruckus and goes to inspect.

He finds an arena where the bull fighting had just ended, and sees a lot of people filing into a restaurant across the street.

The young man sits down and begins looking at the menu, when suddenly he hears the...

My grandfather was the best damn podium salesman in the business

He always stood behind his product.

My grandfather, who served in Vietnam, asked me what sticks to young and old people alike:

Apparently napalm wasn’t the answer.

My grandfather always used to say, "Better safe than Sorry."

Which explains why he always locked himself in the vault during family game night.