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[NSFW] Little Johnny asked his grandfather if he could have a cookie from the cookie jar

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”

Johnny: “No.”

Grandfather: “Then no cookies for you.”

A number of years later, when Johnny had grown up and was visiting his grandfather again, he asked, “Hey, can I have a beer?”

Grandfather: “Can your dick touch your ass?”...

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

My grandfather said his girlfriend died of gonorrhoea. I said “you don’t die from gonorrhoea”

He said “You do when you give it to me”

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens o...

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A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

My Grandfather always used to say "As one door closes, another one opens".

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

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The other day i walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him.

My grandfather did 5 years in Vietnam.

Turns out armed robbery is illegal there too.

I will always remember my grandfather’s last words!

STOP MOVING THE LADDER

My grandfather had the heart of a tiger

And a lifetime ban at the zoo

My grandfather downed 50 German fighter planes in WWII.

Yep. Worst engineer in the Luftwaffe.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

The day he turned 65 my grandfather started walking 5 miles a day. He's 97 now.

And we have no idea where he is.

My grandfather’s last wish is that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

A joke from my deceased grandfather:

A Texan, a Mexican, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen are on a plane.

The pilot says “we only have one parachute, and we’re overweight, 3 of you must jump.”

The Frenchman steps up first. “Viva la France!” and he jumps out of the plane.

The Englishman, not wanting to be shown up by ...

When I die I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep -

- Not screaming like the passengers in his taxi.

I don't think holocaust jokes are funny. My grandfather died in a concentration camp.

He was so drunk, he fell off the watchtower.

It was known that my grandfather had the heart of a lion

And was also banned from all zoos.

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A boy was sitting with his grandfather...

After a while of silence, the grandfather points out to the city and says, "do you see that road, grandson? I built that road with my own hands. But do they call me 'Peter the Road Layer'? No... "

He scans the city, and points again. "And that church, there. I built that church board by board...

I lost my grandfather to a blood transfusion

My friend ask what was his last words:

Be positive

My grandfather died after being crushed by a piano

His funeral was very low key

So, I asked my German grandfather hoe racist he was, scale of 1 to 10

He said "NEIN!"

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My grandfather is really upset at the new stair chair lift he got for his house.

He said, “It’s driving me up the fucking wall.”

Who's Ji-Sung Park's great, great, great, great, great grandfather?

Jurassic Park

My mom said I was named after my grandfather—a war hero who died in Korea.

Of course I was named after him, I was born like 80 years after him.

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In these uncertain times I think of what my grandfather wouldsay if he were still alive

Get me the fuck outta this box! I can't breathe!

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Grandfather and Grandson

A boy was told to spend the week with his grandparents, so he did. He often found himself spending time with his grandpa. He didn’t know why because his grandpa would not let him do anything.

When they went fishing, the boy asked if he could hold the pole, and his foul mouthed grandpa asked, ...

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My grandfather was treated very poorly by Nazi's during World War II

Time and time again those bastards screwed him out of a promotion.

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long.

He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in t...

My grandfather who used to tell me knock knock jokes from since I was very little told me his last joke before he past away. This is it...

Him: Knock Knock

Me: Who’s there?

Him: Howard

Me: Howard who?

Him: Howard you like to be knocking for a change?

This joke really made me laugh and I thought I’d share it with all you.

About a month before he died, my grandfather asked us to spray WD-40 all over his back.

After that, he went downhill fast.

My grandfather was responsible for the downing of over 30 enemy aircrafts during WW2

And still to this day, the Luftwaffe considers him the worst mechanic they've ever had.

My grandfather died while commenting on a Facebook post

I’ll not see the likes of him again

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My grandfather was treated very badly by the nazis

Passed over for promotion time and time again...

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves.

The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly."

The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the ...

My great-grandfather kept screaming, "The Titantic's going to sink! The Titanic's going to sink." And everyone got angry...

... so they kicked him out of the movie theater.

I still remember my grandfather’s favourite saying: “Pints! Litres! Gallons!”

That spoke volumes.

Even Though it's been 20 years since my Grandfather choked to death on a piece of sushi

It's still pretty raw

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A little girl was visiting her grandfather and asked him to read her a book, as she was bored

“Alright I suppose I will....”, gave in her grandfather, “...but you are going to have to get me my glasses”, he said.

The girl replied, “why do you need glasses?”

“Well, since I’m getting old, I can’t see very well without them!”, he exclaimed.

The girl took the grandfather out...

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My grandfather's favourite joke

First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off.

Rest in peace...

My grandfather was complaining about how this generation is too reliant on technology.

Now me being the smartass that I am, called him a hypocrite, and unplugged his life support.

Englishman bragging, “My grandfather lived for 96 years and never used glasses”

Russian: Yes I know, some people in my family also drink directly from the bottle

I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

I told my grandfather than I suck at whistling.

He said "That's why!"

My grandfather passed away recently and I'll never forget his last words

"Son, that gun's loaded". So tragic, RIP grandfather

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My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”

“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his frien...

A grandchild goes to visit his grandfather who recently became a widower.

The grandfather told his grandchild that, due to his wife passing, he had started cooking. The grandchild didn’t expect his grandfather to ever begin cooking, so they headed towards the dining room to see what he made for dinner.

When they sat down, the grandchild notice that the food looked...

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

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My grandfather (may he rest in peace) told me this story at age 8

It’s called “The Bull Story”

The story takes place in Spain, where there’s a lot of bull fighting. When a bull is killed, it is taken to a restaurant where is is cooked and eaten. A man who is eating there asks the waiter, “What would you recommend?”

The waiter replies, “It sounds stra...

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

My grandfather was in the air force in the Second World War, surviving over 30 combat missions in hostile airspace.

He was by far the worst pilot of the entire Kamikaze corps.

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

My grandfather turned 65 and started running a mile a day to stay fit.

He’s 70 now and we still have no idea where he is.

My grandfather always used to say, “I put blood, sweat, and tears into my work!”

Good man. Disgusting bartender.

My grandfather taught me one thing before he died.

If you smoke a pack of cigarettes a day for 130 years then you will live a long life.

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a boy was asked to think of three good quotes at school

he went home and asked his mother, she said “a fool and his money are soon parted”

he asked his father, he said “ask and you shall receive”

he asked his grandfather, who served the military, he said, “where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved”

he went ba...

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and ...

After years of fighting his cigarette addiction my grandfather finally quit

Breathing...

My grandfather told me that he got to see the Titanic and that from the beginning he told them not to get onboard because he knew it was going to sink. But no one listened and he repeatedly told them until..

He got kicked out of the movie theater.

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My grandfather was an Un-Orthodox jew...

He was a nazi.

My grandfather had his tongue shot out during the war.

He never spoke about it.

There was 3 boys living with their grandfather deep in an Asian jungle.

One day, their grandfather asked them to accompany the grouchy old lady that lived nearby them while she walked out to town. Before they left, their grandfather said, "Behave and remember all that I have have taught you."

As they walked the old lady nagged and nagged. She complained about eve...

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I recently purchased a grandfather clock.

It's like a regular clock except sometimes it forgets the time and pisses itself.

My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery!

Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.

When my grandfather died we decided to scatter his remains at sea.

Everyone at the beach started freaking out cause we didn't cremate him.

If my great-great-grandfather were still alive, he’d be one of the most famous people in the world...

...because he’d be like 180 years old by now!

The other day I was visiting my 105-year–old grandfather in the nursing home.

I was asking him about what his marriage was like; he was married for 65 years before his wife died.

"Grandpa, what was it like being married for so long?" I asked.

He was getting to that point where he would often just kind of doze off or drift away mid-conversation, so I gave him a f...

My grandfather died happy, doing the job he loved.

Much happier than the passengers on his bus when he died.

My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.

He's a seasoned veteran.

I'll never forget my grandfather's words right before he kicked the can.

He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Grandson, watch how far I can kick this can!"

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

My grandfather gave me the best advice I have ever heard just before he kicked the bucket:

Always put on steel toes before doing this.

What did my grandfather say before he kicked the bucket?

Let's see how far this bucket goes

A young boy goes and visits his grandfather for a few days

During the first meal the boy says to his grandfather: "Are these plates clean? They feel kind of gooey."



"They are as clean as coldwater gets them." The grandfather replies.



During the next meal the young boy notices the same thing again and asks "Are these plates cl...

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I visited my sick grandfather the other day to rub butter all over his back...

... after that he went down hill really quickly

My 90yr old Grandfather got startled by my automatic vacuum, and smashed it.

KO Roomba

My grandfather was a dwarf

Poor guy always struggled to put food on the table

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My grandfather organized bukkake parties for the Nazis.

They were excited about all the faceism.

It’s the anniversary of my dear grandfather’s death, and I’ll never forget what he said to me right before he kicked the bucket.

He said,

“wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”

I still remember my grandfathers last words to me

He died right infront of me, the words still ring in my mind "STOP SHAKING THE GODDAMN LADDER!!"

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My grandfather was responsible for 49 downed German planes.

Still to this day, he holds the record for worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Fuck word to hide the post since I cant mark it as spoiler on mobile

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I miss my Grandfather..

We used to play together, camp together and repair everything on our house, never gonna forget his last words..

"Stop shaking the ladder u little fucker"

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Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

Tom finds a lamp in his grandfather’s attic

Seeing that it’s a little dusty, he rubs it. To his surprise, a genie appears in a puff of smoke.

Genie: greetings, mortal. As you have summoned me, i will give you three wishes

Tom: alright, i wish to be rich.

Genie: granted. What is your second wish?

Rich: i wish i had...

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A grandfather takes his 10 year old grandson fishing

They're sitting in the boat out on the lake dangling their lines when the old man pulls out a pack of cigs and lights one up
"Can I have a cigarette grandad?"
Oh dear, thinks the grandad, better think of a way out of this
"Tell you what" grandad says "can your willy bend round and touch you...

My grandfather with alzheimer died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

My Grandfather never threw anything away, bless him

He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade

My great-grandfather in WWII

My great grandpa was responsible for the downing of over 25 German aircraft during the war.


He was the worst mechanic in the whole Luftwaffe.

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A Joke My Grandfather Told Me

So, my Grandfather and I were driving along on our way into town, and we crossed a set of railroad tracks.

As we were crossing, my Grandfather said, "You know, there was a bad crash on these tracks back in the day, between a Mustang and an old Firebird."

I thought about it for a seco...

The ghost of my great-grandfather advises me on what size of clothes to buy.

I'm a medium.

My grandfather had come to visit us

As we were having dinner, he told us of his latest exploits in the world of internet.

He said that he couldn't get through the captcha.

We asked him the problem and he told us that he could decipher and write the letters just fine.
But he didn't know how to put the curved lines.

My grandfather always said, “Be envied, not envious.”

I’m so mad that I didn’t come up with that quote.

My 91 year old grandfather went to the heart doctor and was diagnosed with TMDB.

Too Many Damn Birthday's.


^^true ^^story

My grandfather worked his whole life to be able to afford a nice cremation...

He urned it.

We asked our 75 year old grandfather why men die before women do.

He looks over at grandma and says “because they want to”.

At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.

Unfortunately, the police found it.

My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.

Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......

Shout-out to my grandfather

Because it is the only way he can hear

"My grandfather knew the exact details of when and how he was going to die."

"Wow! How'd he know?"

"The judge told him."

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