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I walked in on my grandmother sucking my grandfather's dick.

I just find it weird that they didn't cremate it with the rest of him.

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I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words...

Stop shaking the ladder you little shit

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My grandfather's favourite joke

First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off.

Rest in peace...

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and ...

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

My grandfather always used to tell me, "When one door closes, another one opens."

He was a great man...
but a terrible cabinet maker.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep.

Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

My grandfather had his tongue shot out during the war.

He never spoke about it.

My grandfather died happy, doing the job he loved.

Much happier than the passengers on his bus when he died.

My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery!

Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.

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My grandfather organized bukkake parties for the Nazis.

They were excited about all the faceism.

My 90yr old Grandfather got startled by my automatic vacuum, and smashed it.

KO Roomba

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

When my grandfather died we decided to scatter his remains at sea.

Everyone at the beach started freaking out cause we didn't cremate him.

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The Broken Grandfather Clock

A man once owned a beautiful grandfather clock (well, he probably still does, but let's put that aside for now). Now, when I saw the grandfather clock was beautiful, I mean absolutely gorgeous. The clock stood nearly 6 feet tall, made from the most splendid mahogany wood, accompanied by intricate ha...

A young boy goes and visits his grandfather for a few days

During the first meal the boy says to his grandfather: "Are these plates clean? They feel kind of gooey."



"They are as clean as coldwater gets them." The grandfather replies.



During the next meal the young boy notices the same thing again and asks "Are these plates cl...

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

It’s the anniversary of my dear grandfather’s death, and I’ll never forget what he said to me right before he kicked the bucket.

He said,

“wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”

My grandfather was a dwarf

Poor guy always struggled to put food on the table

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre.

When he turned 60, my grandfather started walking a mile a day

He's 75 now, and we have no idea where he is.

The ghost of my great-grandfather advises me on what size of clothes to buy.

I'm a medium.

My grandfather gave me the best advice I have ever heard just before he kicked the bucket:

Always put on steel toes before doing this.

My grandfather had come to visit us

As we were having dinner, he told us of his latest exploits in the world of internet.

He said that he couldn't get through the captcha.

We asked him the problem and he told us that he could decipher and write the letters just fine.
But he didn't know how to put the curved lines.

My 91 year old grandfather went to the heart doctor and was diagnosed with TMDB.

Too Many Damn Birthday's.


^^true ^^story

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My Grandfather took down dozens of Nazi planes in ww2.

Worst mechanic Germany ever had.

My grandfather always said, “Be envied, not envious.”

I’m so mad that I didn’t come up with that quote.

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A Joke My Grandfather Told Me

So, my Grandfather and I were driving along on our way into town, and we crossed a set of railroad tracks.

As we were crossing, my Grandfather said, "You know, there was a bad crash on these tracks back in the day, between a Mustang and an old Firebird."

I thought about it for a seco...

My house was haunted by my grandfather

It's only when i told him I'm charging him rent, he disappeared.

My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.

He's a seasoned veteran.

My grandfather said, "Your generation relies too much on technology."

I replied, "No, *your* generation relies too much on technology" and turned off his life support.

Grandfather Joke

A grandfather told his grandson that his generation was too reliant on technology.

The grandson responded “No Grandpa, your generation is too reliant on technology”

He then disconnected his life support.

I still remember my grandfathers last words to me

He died right infront of me, the words still ring in my mind "STOP SHAKING THE GODDAMN LADDER!!"

My great-grandfather in WWII

My great grandpa was responsible for the downing of over 25 German aircraft during the war.


He was the worst mechanic in the whole Luftwaffe.

My Grandfather never threw anything away, bless him

He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade

My grandfather killed 43 German pilots during World War 2.

Honestly though it’s on them for making an alcoholic a Luftwaffe mechanic

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A grandfather takes his 10 year old grandson fishing

They're sitting in the boat out on the lake dangling their lines when the old man pulls out a pack of cigs and lights one up
"Can I have a cigarette grandad?"
Oh dear, thinks the grandad, better think of a way out of this
"Tell you what" grandad says "can your willy bend round and touch you...

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My grandfather was responsible for 49 downed German planes.

Still to this day, he holds the record for worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Fuck word to hide the post since I cant mark it as spoiler on mobile

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I miss my Grandfather..

We used to play together, camp together and repair everything on our house, never gonna forget his last words..

"Stop shaking the ladder u little fucker"

Tom finds a lamp in his grandfather’s attic

Seeing that it’s a little dusty, he rubs it. To his surprise, a genie appears in a puff of smoke.

Genie: greetings, mortal. As you have summoned me, i will give you three wishes

Tom: alright, i wish to be rich.

Genie: granted. What is your second wish?

Rich: i wish i had...

Shout-out to my grandfather

Because it is the only way he can hear

All of my family are police marksmen except my grandfather, who was a bank robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his relatives.

(Credit to Milton Jones)

My grandfather with alzheimer died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

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A grandson and his grandfather go fishing when the grandson asks his grandpa for a beer....

“Well can your pecker touch your butt?” The boy confused replies, “uhm no it can’t grandpa”. He looks at him and says “sorry kid not today then”. Some time passes and now the kid has grown into a man and decides to take his grandpa out fishing again. His grandpa opens up a beer and starts fishing wh...

I recently inherited an antique set of loaded dice from my grandfather. They used to belong to Al Capone himself.

In other words, we've been spending most our lives living with a gangster's pair of dice.

My grandfather served in WW2 during the liberation of France

One day I asked him “ Did you ever kill anybody?”.

He goes silent, looked me deep in the eyes and said “probably, I was the cook”

I don't like smoking. Smoking killed my grandfather.

He was hit by a Marlboro truck.

My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic

And that from the beginning he warned all the people that the ship would sink, but nobody listened to him.

He was a brave man. He did not give up. He warned them again and again on several occasions.... until they kicked him out of the cinema.

"My grandfather knew the exact details of when and how he was going to die."

"Wow! How'd he know?"

"The judge told him."

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Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

My grandfather survived the Holocaust in Germany.

Then he quickly moved to Argentina.

I shot my grandfather clock

I was just trying to kill some time.

My Dad and I were helping my Grandfather find his hearing aid..

“We don’t need to find it, I’ll be okay without it”

“No Grandpa we should still try and find it”

“What?”

I rest my case

My grandfather died yesterday.

My father and I started cleaning out his apartment.

When we passed by his dresser we noticed some papers that fell between the dresser and the wall. One of the papers was an unclaimed dry cleaning ticket.

Looking at the ticket, we saw it was for a black suit that was b...

Rant: Please stop posting holocaust jokes. My great grandfather died in a concentration camp and it's very painful.

He fell off the guard tower.

My grandfather worked his whole life to be able to afford a nice cremation...

He urned it.

A boy goes to his grandfather and asks him for 5 bucks to buy a Guinea pig.

Grampa gives him ten and tells him to go find a nice Irish girl instead.

We asked our 75 year old grandfather why men die before women do.

He looks over at grandma and says “because they want to”.

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......

I met a baby frog with a great grandfather that cam from Warsaw

He said that made him a tad Pole

My grandfather used to tell me this one all the time, it's cheesy but a classic to me.

A wealthy man walks into a very very expensive restaurant with his guests. The waiter comes over and asks him "what would you like?" The man says, "give me the most expensive steak on the menu."

A bit later the stake comes out. A hundred dollar steak. He tastes it. He calls the waiter over. T...

My grandfather was in the war

He got bored one day in the trenches so he invented the Hi-Vis Jacket.

Was the last thing he ever did

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A young sailor about to on his first ever around the world cruise" visits his grandfather, a retired Admiral.

"Gramps, I'm so excited to go on my first cruise," he says.



"Well, son, let me see your pack so I can make sure you're taking everything you need," says the grandfather.



The sailor goes and grabs his suitcase. He opens it for his grandfather to inspect, only to get smac...

My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.

Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.

At 98 years old, my grandfather had the body of a 27 year old.

Unfortunately, the police found it.

It was too bad we could never figure out my grandfather's blood type in time.

He was so optimistic though. He kept telling us to B positive

How my grandfather passed his immigration exam

My grandfather arrived in the U.S from Cuba in 1969 and he loved telling us about how proud he was to become a U.S. citizen and how he was able to pass the immigration test despite knowing very little English.



Story goes: He sits down with the immigration official who was having a ve...

My grandfather developed cancer when he was a young man.

He’s widely known as the most evil scientist that ever lived.

My chinese friend's grandfather got hit by a bus.

He was lying in his hospital bed when I came to visit him.
I had only entered the room when he began gasping and wheezing.
Worrying that he may be dying ,I quickly went near him and asked if he had any last words.
He then spoke in his native language, after a pause, in a very whispery tone...

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“Back in the day,” my grandfather would say, “You could go into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and some butter as well....”

"But today, they got cameras everywhere!"

My grandfather adopted a legless dog and named him Cigarette.

And after a long day, he goes for a drag.

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Does your dick touch your ass

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.
the little boy asked,
"Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enoug...

My Grandfather witnessed what was about to happen to the Titanic firsthand.

He screamed and yelled trying to alert everyone of what was about to happen.

He yelled three more times until it finally happened.



They kicked him out of the theater.

A grandfather is walking home with his granddaughter after church. “Did God make you, PopPop?” the girl asks.

“Yep! He certainly did,” the old man answers.



“And did he make me too?” she asks next.



“Of course he did,” the old man answers again.



“Well,” she replies, “he’s certainly getting better at it.”

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My grandfather overdosed on Viagra the other day.

My grandma took it pretty hard that night; the next morning and all day long!

My grandfather had a stutter, which was really weird, since he was born deaf.

Turns out it was just Parkinson's.

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My (American) grandfather's joke which I just shared with my (French) husband

There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation; All the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told t...

What's the name of this German guy that keeps hiding all my stuff? Asked grandfather his grandson.

Alzheimer, grandpa.

My grandfather was his army battalion's mime during WW2.

He doesn't like to talk about it.

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A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you."

The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five".

The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "But he minded his o...

So my grandfather died from asbestosis

Took us a week to cremate him

For my late grandfather, his favorite joke. "My wife, she can't wrestle..."

"But you should see her box!"

And he'd laugh. And laugh. And laugh.

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My grandfather, a Vietnam veteran,hooked up with a Viet girl a few years after the war.

He told me the story of how they met at a bar, and how he took her home that night, and how he began having PTSD flashbacks as soon as she undressed.

"Why's that?" I asked him.

"It was just like the war," he said. "I couldn't see the Vietnamese in all the bush."

\----

Be...

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With the news of the 75th anniversary of the D-Day landings, I remember my Grandfather who died at a concentration camp in Nazi Germany...

He fell out of the guard tower and broke his neck

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I went to visit my 80 year old grandfather who lives in a rural area [long]

He made me breakfast and as I was eating I noticed the plates had a film-like residue on them.

"Grandpa are these plates clean?", I asked him.

He responded, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Now hurry up and eat your food."

Later that day he made hamburgers and as w...

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NSFW A boy and his grandfather are fishing

Grandpa cracks open a beer. The boy asks for a sip. “Can your dick touch your ass?” asks Grandpa.
“Well, no,” says the boy.
“Then no.”
Later, Grandpa lights a cigar. “Can I try?” asks the boy.
“Can your dick touch your ass?”
“No,” says the boy.
“Then no.”
After dinner, th...

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I look up to my grandfather as a national hero

He did many great thing, he was a soldier in ww1 and even killed hitler in ww2.

My grandfather passed away, so I wrote a joke for him I thought he'd find funny: My grandfather is the man I looked up to most until I was 10 years old

Because around then I shot right past 6 feet.

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We just found out that my grandfather left all his money to Pornhub.

Apparently it was there for him during the hard times.

A Grandfather talks to his grandson

Grandpa: Back then, for a dollah, I could get rice, milk, sardines, eggs, four boxes of cereal, a bottle of coke, some chips, and a tub of ice cream






Grandson: How about now, Grandpa?





Grandpa: Now a days, it's impossible to do anything with all dem g...

My great grandfather is a really spiritual person

He’s dead.

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