My grandfather’s last wish was that we convert his ashes into a diamond.

That’s a lot of pressure.

My 85-year-old grandfather was rushed to the hospital with a possible concussion.

**The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all...

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

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We discovered my grandfather is addicted to Viagra

No one is taking it harder than grandma

My Grandfather always said, "As one door closes, another one opens."

Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

My grandfather destroyed over a hundred German planes during WW2

He was the worst mechanic in the German Airforce.

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My grandfather killed over 30 Nazis during WW2

He was the worst doctor in the Wehrmacht

A joke from my grandfather

In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:

Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.

Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union.

The last thing my grandfather told me was “It’s worth spending money on good speakers.”

That was some sound advice.

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My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn’t have a life insurance

He answered: “Because I want you to be truly sad when I am gone”

I just found out that my great grandfather was on the Titanic.

And as far as I know, he still is !!

My British friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

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I will never forget my Grandfather's last words:

"Oh fuck, a bus!"

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My grandfather was complaining yesterday: “your generation is so fragile with your participation awards”...

says the guy who lost the war and still wears medals

Grandson Talking to His Grandfather:

"Grandpa, after 65 years of marriage, you still call Grandma 'sweetheart', 'darling' and 'honey'. What's your secret to keeping the flame burning?"

Grandpa: "I forgot her name 5 years ago and I don't dare ask"

My grandfather destroyed almost a hundred aircraft in World War Two!

He must have been the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

My grandfather was in the Hungarian army and killed 54 men single handedly

He was a cook

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she he...

I'll never forget what my grandfather told me before he kicked the bucket...

"Tom, I'm tired of you leaving this empty bucket around!"

My grandfather has the heart of a lion...

... and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather

Not screaming in terror like his passengers

My grandfather was part of Antifa back in the 1940s.

Back then they called it the US Army.

A grandfather sits flustered in his workshop unable to recall where he left his toolbox. He calls over his grandson and asks him, "son, what's the name of the German that keeps stealing my tools?!"

"Alzheimers granddad, Alzheimers."

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I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me...

"Would you stop shaking the fucking ladder?!"

My Grandfather saw the Titanic. He shouted loudly to all within earshot "that ship is going to sink!". He was ignored. But he kept it up "Mark my words. That ship will sink on her maiden voyage!"

Eventually the ushers threw him out of the theater.

My great grandfather, grandfather, and father were born without legs.

I guess it runs in the- wait a minute

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I grew up believing my grandfather had been a Japanese prisoner of war.

Turned out he just liked hiding things up his arse.

My grandfather passed away and didn't leave me much, only 20,000 Dogecoin.

He wanted to be interred in a mausoleum. Luckily, the undertaker accepts Cryptocurrency.

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Russian grandfather tells a war story to his grandson

Once me, a British and an American soldier were conducting a secret operation in Nazi Germany. We were caught, and the Nazis gave us an ultimatum: they will fuck us in the ass and then free or we will be hanged.
The British soldier immediately agreed, he was fucked and freed. American soldier tho...

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My grandpa told me, "All you kids do these days is play video games."

"When I was your age", he continued, "my buddies and I went to Paris; we went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, we didn't pay for our drinks all night and when the bartender complained we pissed on him”

The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the M...

The last thing my grandfather told me was “Quarts! Litres! Gallons!”

That spoke volumes.

What did the Australian say when his grandfather left a message to call back?

"Boomerang."

Joke My Grandfather told me today

So a Mans Wife would lock him out of the house every night when he came home drunk, and she would always smell his breath through the key hole. After a couple of bad days at work the man decides to revisit the bar thinking he can fool his wife so after he gets done drinking he stops by the local sup...

My great grandfather was a communist...

His nickname was "popsickle"

Know what my grandfather said right before he kicked the bucket?

"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket."

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A joke from my grandfather who was a dentist for 40 years

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

Because everywhere else it would be a teethbrush.

What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock?

"Look Grandpa, no hands!"

As my beloved grandfather would always say: I’d rather have a bottle in front of me...

...than a frontal lobotomy.

An old romanian joke that my grandfather keeps telling .

During the communist era in Romania the Security (secret police) was like the heart of the country.

They were just beating, and beating and beating.

Throughout WWII, my great-grandfather was responsible for 43 German planes going down.

He was the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

A grandfather is hanging out with his grandson.

He says to his grandson, "Hey Johnny, please fetch me the cup of medicine and the cup of soda over there." Grandson says, "Sure, gramps, but why the soda?" Grandpa says, "I mix 'em together so that the medicine doesn't taste so nasty." Johnny says, "Oh, good idea", and starts to pour the cup of medi...

My grandfather choked to death on a piece of chicken pot pie he brought home from the restaurant

Ah well, it was his thyme to-go

My grandfather and I have the same name

One day, when I was in third grade, a friend from school phoned home.

My grandmother picked up.

"Hello, who is this?"

"Hi, is Jacob home? This is his friend."

"Sorry, Jacob has gone to his office."

\*confused silence from the other end\*

"Um, may I know who ...

My grandfather always said "son, you need to fight fire with fire..."

Great guy, terrible fireman though

The Grandfather and the Dalmatian

A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said anothe...

Across the breakfast table, the young boy squints at his great grandfather.

"Pop," he says, "You're really old."

The old man chuckles. "I certainly am, son."

"How old are you Pop?"

"Why, I'm eighty-nine."

"Wow." the boy is impressed. "How did you get that old, Pop?"

"Well son, I'll tell you." The old man's faces grows serious, and glances...

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My grandfather overheard me say I was tripping balls yesterday

He responded “I tripped over my balls yesterday too.”

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I've been taking care of my elderly grandfather and he asked me to come tie his shoes while he was on the toilet

I said, "you can't be serious"

He said, "I shit, you knot"

I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke

A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.

At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woma...

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a five your old and his grandfather on a porch

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to hav...

My grandfather turned 90 today, but he still doesn’t need glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

I recently visited my grandfather in his old folks home..

We sat down at a table in the cafeteria and started to chat. He said things were going okay but sounded a little frustrated.

Just then he starts to lean over, almost off his chair, when a nurse rushes over and straightens him back up. My grandfather mumbled something under his breath.
...

My grandfather lived and died for this joke.

My grandfather used say to the whole world celebrated 11/11, not because of armistice day, but because he was born.


When died I went to my mom and told her "I think I know what he would say if he was here today."
'The whole country is in mourning, not because it is 9/11, but beca...

Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar

...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..

Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.

Why is that palm tree reading out your dead grandfather's will?

Isn't it obvious? He's the Exeggutor of the estate.

My great grandfather sunk 5 U-boats in ww2

Easily the worst captain the kriegsmarine had

My grandfather used to say " never bring a knife to a gunfight"!!

He was right. The paintball arena banned me for life.

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

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I showed my grandfather some BDSM porn on his new computer. He said, "I just don't understand you young whippersnappers."

I think he meant: "snapper whippers."

My grandfather hated people with deformed feet

He was lack toes intolerant.

My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars..

..and came to us a seasoned Veteran.

My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WWII.

Still to this day he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

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One of my great grandfather’s favorite jokes...

A guys walking down the street with a bag of rabbit droppings he runs into one of his friends who asks what’s in the bag. Guy says “Smart Pills,” his friend says “Gimme one of them Smart Pills,” then reaches in the bag and pops a handful of them in his mouth. He looks at the guy and says “These smar...

My grandfather could communicate with ghosts, who would often ask him about his clothes sizing.

He was a medium.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

My grandfather promised to take me fishing next week but he had a heart attack this morning.

Even after death he is keeping his promise of collecting worms.

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A little kid goes goes fishing with his grandfather

When they get to the fishing spot the grandfather lights a cigarette. The little boy asks “can I have one of those”. The grandfather takes a drag and asks “Is your dick long enough to reach your asshole”? The kid immediately says “No” and the grandfather says “then you’re not old enough for these”....

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

My grandfather always said: "If you hit something with the car, you should release it from its suffering"

Still, I felt sorry for the cyclist

My grandfather was the best Russian Roulette player

He only lost once

Little Johnny's grandfather comes home from a doctor's appointment.

As he enters the house, he sees a bucket in the middle of the floor. He says to Little Johnny. "Johnny, why is there is a bucket on the floor?"

Little Johnny says, "Just kick off to the side, grandpa." and Grandpa does.

"Yay, we're going to Disneyland" Little Johnny exclaims.

"W...

My grandfather was so cheap.

When he died, he walked towards the light - and turned it off..

When my Great Grandfather died they cremated his body but kept his toupee.

It is considered a family hairloom.

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

A grandfather and his young grandson were out walking one morning after a light rain...

They notice an earthworm on the ground having just crawled out of its burrow.

“Tell you what- if you can figure out a way to get that worm back in its hole, I’ll give you $10.”

The kid thinks for a second and tells his grandpa he’ll be right back.

He returns a few minutes lat...

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see if I wouldn’t be born

It’s the worst way to get to know I’m adopted..

My grandfather was an electrician during WWII.

His uniform had a helmet with two thunderbolts on it

My grandfather was riding a horse yesterday and its leg broke. So he decided to shoot it.

Everyone else on the carousel started freaking out though.

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

My wife's grandfather told me this one infront of 2 nurses his wife and my now motherinlaw in hospital when we went to visit and announce our engagement.

Gp- "So you know what ro do when she (wife) annoys you right?... bend her over your knee, pull her pants down. And you'll forget why you were annoyed."

Injustices make me very mad: My grandfather destroyed a German Airplane and nobody ever thanked him

Actually they kicked him out of the museum

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My grandfather died of a Viagra overdose

They had a Hard time closing the casket!

My grandfather came back from the war with 2 amputated legs and an amputated arm.

He never said exactly where he got them and the whole family was pretty disturbed when he displayed then over the fire place.

I never knew my grandfather but I just learned he had a purple heart.

It's terrible what alcoholism does to your organs.

One day a boy was playing in the garden of his house and his grandfather approached him:

Hey, what are you doing? Asked the grandfather.

The boy replied: I'm playing with putting worms back on the ground, Grandpa.

The amazed grandfather asked: but how do you put the worms back? they are all soft ...

It's a secret, but if you give me $ 10 I can tell you.

The g...

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My grandfather told me this joke and thought it was pretty funny.

Plane is about to take off, and the people are all taken their seats.The captain starts up the plane, and announces to the crew ,"Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, this is your Captain speaking. We will be flying at thirty-nine thousand feet on our flight from Atlanta to London. We are expecti...

A little boy is sitting with his grandfather (Hans) on a hill overlooking their small town.

The grandfather points out a church in the middle of town and says, "you see that church? I built it, but do they call me "Hans the Church Builder"? No."

A couple minutes later, Hans points out a long brick wall along the outskirts of town. He says to his grandson, "you see that brick wall? I...

My grandfather came up to me and asked, “do you know the most famous law firm in the world?”

I said “no, what is it?”

“Dowie Cheetem and Howe.”

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

My grandfather said his girlfriend died of gonorrhoea. I said “you don’t die from gonorrhoea”

He said “You do when you give it to me”

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A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

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Obese kid

An elderly man was out for a leisurely walk in the park one day, when he came upon a morbidly obese kid sitting on a park bench.

The kid was steadily shoveling candy in his mouth and washing it down with soda. There was a huge pile of candy wrappers on the ground around him.

The old ...

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Another World War II political joke that my grandfather told me.

You guys seem to like my last one so here's another one of my grandad's World War II jokes. Like I said I'll try to retell it like he did.

>There's this rabbi sitting down at a cafe reading a newspaper. One of his congregants notices that he's reading the Daily Stormer, which was the Nazi ...

My grandfather always told me that he was religious

I find that hard to believe

A Grandfather just died and his son and his son's wife is discussing where to spread his ashes.

Wife: We should scatter it in the shore of his favorite beach.

Husband: I think we should scatter it in his favorite fishing spot.

Grandchild: I think we should scatter grandfather's ashes by the dam.

Husband and Wife: Why?

Grandchild: Because that's his favorite word.

A guy says: "My great grandfather died in the concentration camps"

Then he laughs: "He fell from the guard tower"

"Stop telling jokes about this" His friend replies - "My great grandma also died in concentration camps"

"Oh I'm sorry"

"Yeah, some idiot dumbass dude fell on top of her from the guard tower"

One of my Great Grandfathers favorites...

A traveling salesman steps off of a bus in a small Midwestern town. He has some time to kill so he asks the ticket counter clerk what there is to do around the area. The ticket clerk tells him that all the bars are closed because it's Sunday but if he walks down to the end of the main road there's a...

My great grandfather's joke

One day my great grandfather was taking his friend for a ride on his motorcycle. His friend said "It's freezing back here."
My great grandfather told him to turn his coat around so the wind wouldn't blow through the opening. His friend did and after awhile my great grandfather noticed that he had...

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My grandfather is really frustrated at the new stairlift installed in his house.

He said, “It’s driving me up the fucking wall.”

A young man has just been married....

A young couple was just married and during the reception, the groom’s grandfather pulls him aside…

“Are you ready for tonight?” he asks.

“Well, I’m a little nervous…. It’s my first time…”

“Oh! No worries! You are a Johnson! You will be great!”

The next morning, the young ...

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A grandfather takes his grandson camping

They set up the tent and a fire and then his grandfather pulls out a beer.

The kid asks “hey grandpa can I try some of that?”

Grandpa says “can your dick touch your ass?”

Kid says “no”

Grandpa says “well you ain’t gettin none”

Grandpa pulls out a cigar and starts p...

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field...

A farmer placed a grandfather clock out in his field. Every time a bird was swooping in to get some crops - the bird would catch eye of the clock instead. As the bird landed on the clock, it would die! It was a mystery - but the farmer didn't care as it worked better than a scarecrow. Pretty soon wo...

I’ve been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator.

Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.

I was looking through my late Grandfather’s things and found an old poem he’d written for my Grandma. It read:

Roses are red, Violets are blue
I’ve got Alzheimer’s, cheese on toast.

My Irish grandfather once fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey and didn't spill a drop.

The man knew how to keep his mouth shut.

My (Swedish) grandfather told me this joke

A Swedish immigrant finally arrives at Ellis Island after days at sea, and with only $15 in his pocket. He's eager to get a job, find a place to live, and start his new life in America, but after such a long and hard journey, his first stop is to get a drink to unwind!

He walks into the first...

The day he turned 65 my grandfather started walking 5 miles a day. He's 97 now.

And we have no idea where he is.

My grandfather escaped

to America in search of freedom. It didn't last long 6 though. Grandma arrived on the next boat.

My grandfather did 5 years in Vietnam.

Turns out armed robbery is illegal there too.

My grandfather used to walk to school with M. C. Escher

He says it really was uphill both ways.

I don't think holocaust jokes are funny. My grandfather died in a concentration camp.

He was so drunk, he fell off the watchtower.

My grandfather survived agent orange during the Vietnam war. My great grandfather survived mustard gas in WWII.

I come from a line of seasoned veterans.

Young Jonny us playing golf for the very first time, with his grandfather

After a slow start, they reach a short par 3. Jonny reaches for his driver and hits it all the way to the fringe of the green. He very nonchalantly chips it to 2ft and mops up for par.

The old man is super proud, and after the round he gifts Jonny a magnificent Bronze coloured driver.
...

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