UPJOKE
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A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

She gets so angry and opens her purse to take out the gun. But then, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "Don't do it honey".

The blonde yells back, "Shut up, you are next".

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

My boyfriend is like the forest floor

Nuts and leaves

A teenage girl brings home her boyfriend to meet her parents

Her parents are disgusted by the boyfriend's crazy haircut, excessive tattoos and piercings.

After dinner, the girl's mom tells her, "Honey, he doesn't seem to be a nice boy. Are you sure about this?"

"Oh please mom." the girl begged. "If he wasn't a nice person why would he be doing...

A girl is fed up with her boyfriend's unhealthy obsession with detective movies, and wants to break up with him.

"This is too much. We really should split up."

"Good idea, we can cover more ground that way."

So I asked this girl girl out and she repied "I'm sorry, but I already have a boyfriend."

I told her: "Well, I have a math test tomorrow."

She asks "What does a math test have to do with my boyfriend?"

I replied: "Oh, I'm sorry! I thought we were talking about things we could cheat on."

I was trying to apply the power rules to my new boyfriend.

So I took him down an exponent then thurst forward tangent to his curves!

My boyfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?"

The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"



A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."<...

My boyfriend admitted to me that he's a dom

I always pegged him as a sub.

My boyfriend asked me to stop making jokes about killing myself

"Don't worry", I said, "I won't be doing it for much longer."

A girl invites her boyfriend over.

Before he leaves, he texts her saying he'll be there in half an hour.

"I'll be thinking about you the whole time," she texts back.

He decides to dial her number on the way there, but she doesn't pick up.

He shrugs it off, thinking she might be busy. After a few minutes pass, he...

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I asked my boyfriend to be straight with me on why he hasn’t been having sex with me…

He said, “That’s kind of the problem…”

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A girl trying on some shorts asked her boyfriend, ‘Does my bum look big in this?’

The boyfriend went ‘Ummm, welllll, ahh….’
The girlfriend said ‘Come on honey. We’ve been together for so long now. You can tell me anything and I won’t be upset. I want you to be honest with me.’

‘Ok’ said the boyfriend
‘I fucked your sister’.

I was visiting my boyfriend the other night when I asked him if I could have a newspaper.

“I don’t waste my money on newspapers. Just use my MacBook Pro."

I can tell you this: That roach never knew what hit him.

My atheist boyfriend treats me like a literal goddess.

He acts like I don't exist.

Boyfriend: When is your birthday?

Girlfriend: March 1st

Boyfriend: *starts marching around room*

My boyfriend has dandruff.

"My boyfriend has dandruff. What's the best way to remove it?" I texted my mother.

She replied, "Just give him Head & Shoulders."

20 minutes later.

I texted my mother back, "Okay. Now how do I give the shoulders?"

Three friends are sitting around talking about their boyfriends

The first girl says to the other two, “let’s play a game and say a drink that we like that our boyfriends remind us of. I’ll go first. My boyfriend is like sprite; he’s light and bubbly and sooo refreshing after my last couple relationships.”

The second girl says “ok, umm… mine would be a che...

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologizes. She squats down for another go but farts again,

she gets up and apologizes again.
Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”

I ask my boyfriend where do you wanna go for the holidays. He said somewhere I’ve never been before

i said try the gym

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A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her parents.

This is a German joke, but I think I found a way to translate it:

A girl wants to introduce her new boyfriend to her parents.
He knocks on the door and the parents together open the door and introduce themselves: "Hi, my name is Sarah and this is my husband Michael, nice to meet you!".
...

I don’t understand why my boyfriend was so upset when he got his STD results

Couldn’t he see the positives?

Today my boyfriend told me that honesty is a major turn on for him

Big if true.

My friend was complaining about her boyfriend.

my friend was complaining about her boyfriend not being able to satisfy her.

i told her i was sending good vibes her way.

the ones with 8 settings and a suction cup that can un-dent a car.

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I have poisoned each of my ex-boyfriends with a whole bottle of Viagra, and I’m going to do it again when this guy breaks up with me

I wish I could stop, but old habits die hard.

[NSFW] What would you call Dwayne Johnsons boyfriend?

Rock bottom.

My boyfriend and i have an onlyfans account and it’s doing really well

i just don't know how to break the news to him yet...

A woman named Lorraine Lee was taking her boyfriend, Frank, to visit her family for the first time.

Frank entered the house and shook hands with Mr. and Mrs. Lee. There was one other person at the house, and that was Lorraine's sister, a drop dead gorgeous woman named Claire.

Claire whispered something to Frank, and the two of them went upstairs together. Lorraine was suspicious, so five mi...

Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me and he said “Hi sir I’m david, nice to meet you”

He put out his hand and I said “David are you nervous?”

He said “no”.

So, I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said “then why are you shaking?”

Edit 1 - Geez; it's the handshake, guys. Come on!

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A girl is invited to her boyfriend’s family dinner. But she made a mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans beforehand. When she is on her way, she feels the need to fart, but she figures she can wait until she gets to his house.

When she arrives, his parents are so happy to meet her. His parents immediately invite her to the dining table. Since dinner is almost ready, she feels bad to step out. She figures she can wait until dinner is over. Unfortunately, 15 minutes later, she can’t hold it any longer. At the same time, his...

Last year a guy took his Blonde girl friend to the Superbowl

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the

tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't

understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."<...

[OC] Why isn't it special when your stormtrooper boyfriend says he misses you?

He misses everyone.

Her: "I just broke up with my boyfriend. "

Me: "Let me know if you need a shoulder to put your legs on!!"

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.

I shouldn't have named two.

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me a...

Dinner With the Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a wom...

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A girl says to her boyfriend…

Babe it’s ok, a tiny Dick isn’t really a big deal.. The boyfriend responds … “Ya but it would’ve been nice if you told me you had one at all before we started dating …”

My boyfriend told me he refuses to date girls named Rachel....

....I accused him of Rachel discrimination.

A young man was showing of his new sportscar to his girlfriend she was thrilled at the speed.

"If i do 200 km/h, will you take all of your clothes off?"

The girlfriend felt adventurous, and said "yes, of course"

He brought the car up to the 200 km/h benchmark. However, he was unable to keep his eyes on the road and the car swerved, then flipped over. the Naked girl was thrown c...

Husband and wife are in a bar when the wife sees her ex boyfriend

She says to her husband, ‘see that drunk, I turned down his proposal 10 years ago.
Husband looks at his wife, looks at the guy and sighs, ‘that explains why he is still celebrating’

My Boyfriend said I’m starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman….

What a joker!!!

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

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A girl brought her boyfriend over for dinner to meet her parents for the first time

When they were all sitting down to eat the boy sits down at the dinner table when he notices the family dog curls up right at his feet.

Dinner is going well when all of the sudden the boy accidentally lets out a tiny fart.

"Hey Bowser!" the girl's father whispered to the dog nudging hi...

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

I like my reddit posts the same way I like my boyfriend's pants

\[removed\]

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...

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My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."

"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

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A young woman was struggling to have sex with her boyfriend.

After another night of failure, she calls her doctor to set up an appointment.

The receptionist listened to her story and says, "I can fit you in next week."

She replies, "That's what I told him, but I'd still like to talk to someone."

The Clintons snuck out of Secret Service and spent a weekend driving around like in the good ol' days

They stop at a gas station and the owner, it turns out, is Hillary's high school boyfriend. After exchanging pleasantries they drive away and Bill says "See, if you'd married him, you'd be married to a gas station owner".

Hillary responds "No, Bill, if I'd married him, he'd become the Preside...

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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video...

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

My boyfriend just punched my doctor in the face

‘You’re a disgusting pervert , I’ll be reporting you to your boss for what you just told my girlfriend!’

‘Babe calm down - he said acute angina!’

Girls going to do a checkup

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.

\- "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

\- "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard ...

My boyfriend bought me a diamond ring The stone was cut in the shape of a four leaf clover. I wore it all the time to show how much it meant to me.

One day, I got curious and had it valued at a jeweller's. Unfortunately they told me that my boyfriend had been swindled, as the diamond was actually a cubic zirconia.

It was a sham rock.

My boyfriend likes to keep the house freezing. I hate it because I’m always cold, but he gave me a suggestion.

He said to stand in the corner since it’s usually 90 degrees over there.

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled at his spiky hair, pierced nose, tattoos and a bad attitude. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Honey," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Of course he is," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing...

My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution

Could this be a red flag?

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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

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Management Lessons

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.
But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on t...

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl... One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor.

After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home finds herself in a local gun shop, purchasing a handgun. The next day she awakens with renewed vengeance for her lover's betrayal. She dresses and...

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Reality

Letter from Daughter to Parents

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on,please sit d...

Broom girl to broom boyfriend: “sweetie, I’m pregnant…”

Broom boyfriend: But that’s impossible! We haven’t even swept together!

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The Amish

An Amish woman and her 18 year old daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold
blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are
freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs,
the body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands...

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Why did the blonde have a sore bellybutton

Her boyfriend was blonde too

My fried just got engaged to her boyfriend, Peter, and was gushing about how in love she is. Obviously the first thing out of my mouth was "oh, so you're a massive Peterphile!" Apparently that was "inappropriate" and now she's annoyed with me.

This is actually a true story, so hope it's okay that it's not in a standard joke format.

There once was a religious young woman who went to confession...

Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "...

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Poor Will Smith isn't getting any sleep tonight

His wife is so pissed Will can hear her ranting all the way from her boyfriend's bedroom

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An old grandma is taking care of her grandson for the summer before he leaves for college...

One day, the boy brings a male friend home, seeming to be very secretive about their activities, but the grandmother doesn't think much of it.

She understands why they are secretive; her son and daughter-in-law are peculiarly homophobic. She doesn't agree with that and wishes to tell her gran...

A blonde and a brunette were walking down the street

The brunette looked in the window of a flower shop and said
"Oh no, it's my boyfriend and he's buying me flowers again for no reason."

The blonde said "Don't you like to get flowers?"

The brunette said "It's not that. It's just that every time he gives them to me he expects somethi...

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My boyfriend asked me if girls ever pee in the shower. I said "yeah, they do. Sometimes I do by accident."

"what do you mean, by accident?"


"relax. Sometimes it happens when you're having a shit."

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The girl took her boyfriend home and introduced him to her parents.

The guy had a bad lunch and was feeling discomfort as he was sitting at the dining table for dinner with her parents.




Suddenly he couldn't control the discomfort, and he farted. At this moment, the girl's father looked at the dog sleeping by the boyfriend's feet and yelled "Jack...

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"Let's try anal" says her boyfriend.

She: Fuck that shit

He: That's the spirit!!

Why did Will Smith slap Chris Rock?

His Wife's Boyfriend didnt think the joke was funny

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Tracy is invited to her new boyfriends house for dinner.

She is very nervous because this will be her first time meeting his family. She enters the house and meets the family, however she is still
very uneasy about the whole experience. She really likes her new boyfriend and wants to make a great first impression. 

They all sit at the table wh...

A blonde and her boyfriend went to the movies

In the film, the main character is running through the storm so she says, "I bet you £20, that they don't get struck by lightning."
And her boyfriend agrees.

20 seconds later the main character is stuck by lightning and the blonde looks confused and gets £20 to give.

...

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.

It’s either really terrible news or really great news.

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A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend at her parents house.

Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

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young lovers and the ketchup bottle

Janet asks her big brother, "My boyfriend wants a hand job, but I don't know what I'm doing. How do I do it?"

Janet's older brother says, "Just treat it like a ketchup bottle. You'll be fine."

Janet goes to her boyfriend and says, "I'm ready, I think I know what I'm doing"

And i...

A brother asks his sister why does she always have money but he doesn't?

The sister replies,"That's because I have a boyfriend and you have a girlfriend."

What do you do if your boyfriend doen't loves fruit jokes?

You let the ManGo

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

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Sharon was bored at home with her boyfriend Andrew.

"Andrew, I'm sick of just sitting at home doing nothing. Let's go out for lunch to that nice restaurant." Sharon said.

"That sounds like a great idea", replied Andrew. "BUT... I've already organised to do some gaming with some friends today."

"There is always A BUT! You never put any e...

my boyfriend is like the square root of -100

a solid 10 but completely imaginary

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Today I leaned it is not appropriate to call your brothers boyfriend

A brotherfucker.

At a party, Bob was flirting with a girl

The girl's boyfriend walked over to Bob and pushed him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Bob said, "I didn't know she was taken. I'm sorry." The boyfriend raised his fist and threatened, "If you touch my girl again, you're fiction."

Bob was confused, and asked, "Uh, don't yo...

I discovered that my boyfriend is a communist spy.

I guess I could have noticed this sooner, but chose to ignore the red flags.

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For my cake day I shall tell a joke

Little Johhny is walking around and peaks in his parents room, catching them having sex so he asks, “What are you guys doing?” and they reply “Nothing, nothing! we’re just uh, making cake” and they send him away. So he continues walking around and he hears some strange noises coming from his brother...

What do a Jehovah's Witness and my boyfriend have in common?

I never let them come inside, no matter how much they beg

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A woman was about to give birth

Nurse: Do you want your husband to be in the delivery room?

Woman: Unfortunately, I don't have a husband.

N: Maybe your boyfriend?

W: Nope, I don't have that either.

N: Erm, maybe the person who was involved in this?

W: I'm sorry but I am with no one and will be al...

Time to finally admit that I am a pushover…

At least that’s what my wife’s boyfriend keeps telling me.

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A young man is showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She is absolutely thrilled at the speed.

Never a man to turn down a good opportunity, the young man asks “If I go 120 mph, will you take off your clothes?”

“Sure!” says his adventurous girlfriend. So off they go.

As he gets up to 120 mph, she starts peeling off her clothes. Th...

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One day the boss of a company approached his Secretary

He said that he wanted to have sex with her. Naturally she said no but the boss responded that he would make it very quick.

“I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down and pick it up I’ll be done”

She thought for a moment, then decided to call her boyfriend and tell him...

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

I came out to my Asian parents as a trans woman and told them I have a boyfriend named Shane.

I think they are taking it pretty well. They said they did't have a son and I would bring Shane to the family.

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I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

My russian boyfriend only writes in lowercase letters...

He doesn't like Capitalism

My boyfriend is always annoyed that I always mix up my directions, and he finally told me to leave,

So I packed my bags and I right left away

What did the jam band groupie say when she broke up with her boyfriend?

So long, and thanks for all the phish

A woman is talking to her friend

“Men are horrible, all they do is love you then move on to the next one. My boyfriend is probably cheating on me right as we speak!”

“Which one?”

We all have that one relative...

I'm not saying which relative…but a relative just called and asked if I would loan her $800.00 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her ba...

guys are all like “i want a crazy gf”

then all of a sudden they’re all mad at you like “how did you find my location” “why are you stalking my kindergarten girlfriends mom on facebook” “you can’t chain me up and force me to be your boyfriend”

like omfg pick a side

A women calls her mum about her boyfriend's dandruff

The mum replies "have you tried giving him head and shoulders?"

The girlfriend thinks for a moment, and says "how do i give him shoulders?"

My boyfriend was breaking up with me and started to walk out the door

So I jammed my knee into his stomach.

“You can’t leave, I kneed you”

What is the Differenz between a womans husband and boyfriend?

About 30 years

A tree says to another tree, her boyfriend, "I think we should break up"

The other tree: "why wood you do this"

I didn’t fall for my boyfriend

His third leg just tripped me

My boyfriend just left me because I have anxiety attacks.

Edit: Nevermind, he just went to the bathroom.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend...

But he kept asking her for another shot.

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A girlfriend and boyfriend whale spot a whaling vessel.

The male whale recognised the vessel as the vessel that killed his father, he mentions this to his girlfriend. He says to his girlfriend will you help me take revenge on the whaling vessel. She is more than happy to help out her boyfriend.

The boyfriend’s plan is to swim up under the vessel a...

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Yesterday my boyfriend asked me to do anal

You should have seen his face when I pulled out my strap-on.

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Be careful what you say to your grandkids...

A 5-year-old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked:

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied:

"Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom a...

My boyfriend just told me he has an STD...

Looks like I'm *gonorrhea*valuate this relationship.

Why was Chris Rock surprised when Will Smith slapped him?

He thought one of Jada’s other boyfriends would have done it.

What did Adele say when she saw her ex-boyfriend at the playground?

HELLO FROM THE OTHER SLIIIIIDE

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.


In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs...

Two girlfriends talk

* So, Stacy, have you tried ... you know ..., *the other hole* with your boyfriend?
* Are you crazy?! We don't want any kids!

My boyfriend just left me because of my anxiety disorder!

EDIT: Oh, never mind. He just went to grab a cup of coffee.

My boyfriend claimed size doesn't matter.

But then the wallpaper he put up all fell off.

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So I split up with my boyfriend, last night and he stole my toilet...

Guess, I shouldn't have told him to take all his shit and leave

“Hello darkness my old friend.”

Darkness: “I have a boyfriend.”

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An innocent young woman is sitting with her mother before going to spend the night with her boyfriend.

She is nervous about what's going to happen because the man is her first boyfriend and the first time she'll ever spend a night away from home.

Her overly protective mother looks meaningfully into her daughter's eyes and said, "Honey, when you go to bed tonight, your boyfriend is going to wan...

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A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

How did the girl know her glass boyfriend was cheating on her?

She could see right through him.

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