I like my reddit posts the same way I like my boyfriend's pants

\[removed\]

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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video...

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

My boyfriend never gets my fruit puns

Perhaps I should let this mango.

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Bianca's boyfriend (Brad) goes on a business trip...

A week goes by, and Brad gives Bianca the bad news that his business trip would be extended to one more week. Bianca, starting to feel a bit horny was not excited to hear the news but she thought "its just one more week, I can wait."

The second week goes by and Brad is still not home, so Bian...

(Nsfw) A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flowers.

A blonde and a brunette walk past a flower shop and see the brunette's boyfriend buying flower. She sighs and say "My boyfriend is buying me flowers again, now I 'll be expected to spend the weekend lay on my back with my legs in the air"

The blonde says: "Dont you have a vase?!"

My boyfriend just left me because I have anxiety attacks.

Edit: Nevermind, he just went to the bathroom.

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.

I shouldn't have named two.

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A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend

At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...

A blind girl is shocked when her boyfriend broke up with her

Guess she didn’t see that coming..

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A girl turns to her boyfriend and says: "It doesn't matter, a small penis makes no difference"

He replies: "I know, I still wish you didn't have one"

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Once me and my boyfriend had a fight

Later that day I promised to give him a blowjob to settle the dust and get back to our normal lives.

What he didn’t know was that I was hiding wasabi under my tongue. Long story short, we haven’t fought since then.

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A girl wants to introduce her boyfriend, Maggot, to her parents

Maggot is this big biker dude. He has a leather vest, a bushy beard, and of course his pride and joy: a Harley-Davidson he keeps in pristine condition by polishing the chrome weekly and rubbing the saddle with vasoline whenever it rains.

So, at dinnertime, Maggot arrives at the parents' house...

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A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

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My boyfriend asked me this evening if I would shave my pussy...

... He’s going to be royal pissed when he wakes up bald.

My ex-boyfriend is a magician

While walking down the street, \*POOF\*, he turns into a liquor store.

I live with my boyfriend and my brother

I live with my boyfriend and my brother, both of whom I love very much but in very different ways. The only thing they have in common is they’ve both shared a bath with me at some point in their lives. One was a very erotic experience and the other, he did a poo whilst we were still sat in. It ruine...

What do you call a girl that broke up with her boyfriend because of abuse?

A hit single.

A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out ...

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about Blue...

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My daughter and her boyfriend went to their room

Shortly after I heard "Baby baby oh! And I rushed towards the room. Thank god I said to myself as they were just having sex and not listening to Justin Beiber.

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Found out my boyfriend is gay

And to think I've been letting him suck my dick this whole time.

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I (23F) promised my boyfriend (26M), that we can watch porn together and do anything that happens in it .....

After watching the porn I fucked his stepbrother and now he is angry. What to do?

TL: Boyfriend is angry at me because I did what he wanted for his birthday.

What did the melon say when her boyfriend proposed?

Yes, but we cantaloupe.

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

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My boyfriend told me to give him 9 inches and make it hurt

So I fucked him twice and said he was fat

One day a woman was lying on her couch watching TV when she heard her boyfriend in the kitchen

She assumed he was in there getting some ice cream and she called in there "Bring me some too!" A few minutes later, the boyfriend comes into the living room and hands her a bowl. She says "thanks" and takes a bite and immediately spits it out in disgust. "What is this? It's disgusting!" she exclaim...

Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.

Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it

A young woman brought her boyfriend home to meet her father, a retired military officer.

The woman was nervous because her boyfriend was a conscientious objector.
When the father asked the young man to talk about himself, the latter replied, nervously, that he was a CO.
The father clapped the young man on the back and congratulated him, thinking the latter was a commanding o...

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies ...

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A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.

“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there.

If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both, she replied.

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs ...

A boyfriend is ending it up with his girlfriend on the phone......

Him: Babe, I'm breaking off with you. Your father threatened me yesterday.

Her: oh no! What did he say to you?

Him: he said "If you see my daughter ever again, I'll get a 12 inch iron rod and heat up half of it red hot and put the cold half up your ass"

Her: why the cold half...

Karen was an ugly woman who never had a boyfriend. She had enough and decided to go to a psychic for help.

"Honey!" said the psychic, "You will not have luck with love in this life. But after death, you will be a much desired woman and all the men will fall at your feet.”

She left so happy and excited at this idea that she jumped off the highway bridge. As she went over she thought to herself "the...

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My boyfriend just told me he's asexual

I'm not taking it hard.

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Boyfriend: "I know you had sex with another man!"

Girlfriend: "God, you sound like my husband."

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Karen: "Be straight with me, Stephanie. Is your boyfriend a sadist?"

Stephanie: "Beats me."

What did the fruit say to her boyfriend who wanted to run off and get married?

I cantaloupe.

A blond was listening to breathing exercises on headphones and her boyfriend came up behind her and took them off her head.

She died.

What do my ex-boyfriend and genital warts have in common?

They're both embarrassing to talk about and difficult to get rid of

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I have sex with my boyfriend almost everyday!

Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...

Mom, my boyfriend has dandruff

Mom: Give him head & shoulders.

Girl: Okay. But how do I give him shoulders?

Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend

I responded with "I have a math test tommorow"

She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."

How to cheat on your boyfriend without him knowing

Now that all the girls are here, help me out. How do I turn on the stove??

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An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day, when the daughter said, "My hands are freezing cold!" The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said, "My hands are freezing cold!"

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following da...

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So I split up with my boyfriend, last night and he stole my toilet...

Guess, I shouldn't have told him to take all his shit and leave

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3 girls are sitting in a bar

They are having a competition of vagina width

One girl says: my pussy is so wide, my husband can fit 2 fists in it
The second girl replies with: wow, that’s impressive, but mine is even wider. My boyfriend can fit 2 fists and both his feet.
The third girl, after hearing all this just sm...

A man's girlfriend went to Europe for 5 days with some girlfriends.

She asked her boyfriend to watch her cat while she was gone. The first day she was gone, the cat was hit by a car and was killed. The first day she was gone she called and asked how her cat was doing. He didn't want to ruin her vacation so he said the cat was fine. The second day she called and he s...

I once had a boyfriend in kindergarten

Then he got fired.

A girlfriend wanted to clue in her boyfriend that she's in the mood~~

Knowing that he's a fan of quizzes and riddles, she proposes this set of questions:

1. What unit of verse has a short syllable followed by a long one?
2. What's the comfiest place to watch TV?
3. What do you call a monarch of old?
4. Of what is the *Shofar* made?
5. What does the...

Compassion

Sooo, my cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me ...

My boyfriend gave me an STD

But I don't want to break up with him because what am gonorrheally do about it?

My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution

Could this be a red flag?

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[blonde] A blonde woman and her boyfriend were sitting in the back yard.

A pigeon flew over them and pooped on his head. "Get some toilet paper" he said. "What for?" the blonde asked. "He must be half a mile away by now"

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My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."

"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

I had to really consider my boyfriend’s proposal before giving an answer.

On one hand, I’d get a really nice ring.

On the other hand, I wouldn’t.

The girlfriend ask her boyfriend.

What will happen if i pulled the plug when you are in the middle of your game.

The boyfriend replied.

I will treasure the time with you, deepen our relationship, so that one day we can get married. Have 1 or 2 kids in our happy family and grow old together. And when we are too old, w...

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my boyfriend has hearing aids.

i asked him, “how did you get hearing aids?” he replied, “phone sex, darling.”

My boyfriend slammed me onto the table and banged me all day long

Life as a keyboard is good.

A woman was gathering plates in her kitchen...

Her boyfriend comes from behind and very playfully starts to kiss her on the neck.

Her : Babe, stop it, I'm trying to put a load in the dishwasher.

Him : Yeah, me too.

A boyfriend loses the key to his girlfriend's apartment....

Gets no new key.

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

A good looking woman woman walks in a bar with her boyfriend and says, "you should be lucky to be with me, i am a Maserati in a world of Kia's"

Bemused the man replies, "What? you mean overpriced, unreliable and will lose half of your value in 5 years?"

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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office

But she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick ...

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A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

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My boyfriend dresses up as a giant penis for every costume party.

He likes being a dick.

Me [45M] and my boyfriend [18M] went out. We got nasty looks, comments and derision thrown at us all day.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.

It’s either really terrible news or really great news.

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A girl is about to have a heart surgery, holding hands with her boyfriend and talking

G: I love you Mike.

B: I love you more.

Girl gets put to sleep and the surgery begins.

A few hours later, she wakes up, and only her dad is next to her.

She asks : Where is Mike?

Dad answers : You don't know who gave you his heart?

Girl is shocked and start...

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend...

...and the next morning found out that she was six months pregnant.

Some people call their boyfriend daddy but I call mine father

I am now no longer welcome in the Catholic Church

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Girlfriend says to boyfriend “The gynaecologist says I can’t have sex for two weeks. Boyfriend says to girlfriend..

“Well what did the dentist say”

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The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

Why do pandas make awful boyfriends?

Because he only eats shoots and leaves.

My boyfriend just told me he has an STD...

Looks like I'm *gonorrhea*valuate this relationship.

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A newly dating couple were walking in the woods

When suddenly, a bright light appeared in the sky, it was a UFO!

A door opened, and a male and female alien stepped out of the craft.

“We would like to experience love making with humans”, said the male alien.

“Please swap your partner with me, and we can all try making love wit...

I asked my girlfriend "If Charizard fights the Dragonite, do you know who would be the winner?"

She said "My ex boyfriend if you don't grow the fcuk up"

Why did the dressmaker have trouble getting a boyfriend?

She smelled like a sewer.

A woman calls her mother and says: "Mom, I've got a new boyfriend. His name is Jim and he's a postman in your neighbourhood."

- Jim? But he could be your father!

- Yes, he is a bit old, but age is just a number!

- Darling, I don't think you understand what I mean...

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

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My boyfriend has the same name as my brother.

So when we fuck and I scream his name, I remember my boyfriend.

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My boyfriend called me gay.

I was offended. Us men gotta stick together.

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My boyfriend said he doesn’t want me to watch porn because it has other people in it....

But who the fuck said anything about watching humans?

My new boyfriend is allergic to my dog.

So, I can't keep him. He's
ginger & named tom. Friendly.
Comes when called. 28yrs-old
& works in IT.

What do you call your Irish boyfriend who buys you anything you want?

Sugar Paddy

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A man and his girlfriend are driving down the road.

A man and his girlfriend are driving down the road. The woman decides to tease him and begins to remove her clothes. The man becomes distracted and loses control of the car, eventually hitting a tree. The car becomes a tangled wreck, and the only thing that is thrown from the car are the girlfriend ...

"What a terrible boyfriend!",

an old man said to his wife. A young straight couple was passing by their window in the rain, with the man hogging the umbrella.

"Yeah?" replied the wife, "Well, at least he gets his woman wet!"

(NSFW)My friend broke up with her boyfriend cuz he didnt go down on her..

That's the straw that didn't lick the camel's crack

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Does anyone else hate it when a girl pulls the “I have a boyfriend” line on you when you aren’t even remotely interested in her?

...My wife really acts fucking strange sometimes.

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My boyfriend and my dad have the same name

This causes me to mess up a lot. For example I accidentally sent a nude to my boyfriend

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I was giving sex tips to my Asian boyfriend...

First, I told him I like long foreplay,

Then, I told him to be a little rougher,

Finally, I told him to eat my pussy.

I’m really looking forward to seeing what he can do tonight!

On an unrelated note, have you seen my cat?

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James visits his friend Henry's house

James visits his friend Henry's house, where Henry's girlfriend Rita answers the door wearing a towel.James almost instantly says, "I will give you 200 bucks if you show me one of your boobs."

"Okay, But no touching!" she says showing him her left boob.

"I will give you another 200 buc...

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A girl was crazy about 69 position...

But she haven't tried the position with her new boyfriend. So she invites him to a romantic dinner. After the dinner she tells her boyfriend about her desire for it. But her boyfriend was clueless about such acts. So she tell him to strip naked on the couch and lay on top of him naked in the 69 posi...

A girl asks her father

Dad, what’s the difference between good, bad, and f***d up?

The father replies:
Well my love, good is when your boyfriend likes your clothes, bad is when he wears them and f****d up is when they look better on him than you!


(Bad translation from spanish from yours truly, have ...

What did all of Medusa’s boyfriends have in common?

They were all rock hard.

A blonde joke

A blonde is talking to another about her new boyfriend. “How is everything?” She asks

“ He’s great except he has dandruff.” Says the first.

“ That’s not a problem, just give him some Head and Shoulders.”

“Okay” says the first, “ but how do you give shoulders?”

I broke up with my boyfriend

My boyfriend just can't find the right hole.


Sometimes he is so off that it's my best friend's

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Maggy's sex addicted boyfriend is a tree hugger

and every time he comes home from a protest she has to beat him off with a stick.

My boyfriend started a bee farm to help save the bees

I think he's a keeper

Your chances of meeting a unicorn are extremely low.

But they are still higher than the chance of you getting a girlfriend/boyfriend

How many is a couple?

I thought it was 2 but my boyfriend thought it was 3. Lucky for me his side chick thought it was 2. Anyway now he's our ex and we couldn't be happier!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boyfriend moving in...

Him: Can I set up a cloning machine in the basement?

Me: Sure, make yourself at home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three young women were gossiping about their sex lives

'I noticed some time ago', said the first one about her boyfriend, 'that Tom's balls are cold while giving him a bj'.

'That's funny,' says the second one. 'I noticed the same thing with Peter's balls!'

The third one says: 'I never really paid attention to that. I'm gonna try it out wit...

Two girlfriends are talking about their S.Os

The brunette says her boyfriend just bought her a dozen roses. She says she annoyed because now she's going to have to spend the weekend on her back with her legs in the air. Her blonde friend is visibly confused and after thinking for a few seconds asked," can't you just use a vase?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde is putting together a puzzle.

She calls her boyfriend at work and tells him that she needs him to come home to help her.

He keeps telling her that he can’t leave work right now, but she’s very insistent.

“Well, what’s the picture on the box?” He asks.

“It’s a tiger.” She says.

“Then just try to make a...

The Highschool Reunion

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split ...

My boyfriend took me out to eat

BF: You're going to love the food here-- it's all homemade.

Me: How did they get into my house?


Yeah, he didnt laugh either.

I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. He's from another nation.

My imagination.

My boyfriend broke up with me today

When I said I wanted to lose 150 lb this year, I didn't mean it like this.

A girl was arguing with her boyfriend.

"All my friends tell me stories about how their boyfriends take them for rides with Lamborghini's and Porsche's!" she told him. "Why don't you ever do something like that? You are boring as hell!"

The boy was very upset about this, but there wasn't much he could do. He had no car, no money to...

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be true love, haven't seen her for weeks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

I told my boyfriend it was time to go to sleep.

He kept saying no.

I told him to stop resisting a rest.

Why is it so hard for women to find men who are caring sensitive and good looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

Checkup

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red ‘H’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we ma...

Girlfriend: “Why do we need walkie-talkies? Our relationship is over.”

Boyfriend: “Our relationship is what? Over.”

What did the melon say to his daughter when he caught her running off with her boyfriend?

You’re too young, you cantaloupe!

A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.

The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"

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