A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years lat...

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child...

I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the...

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend's family.

Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom.

As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said ”Give me anot...

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He resp...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her...

Our family was so poor when I was growing up

If I hadn’t been a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Family reunions must be hard in Alabama.

All your ex’s together in one place, big yikes.

Why didn't the family visit the Louvre?

They didn't have the Monet to get Degas to make the Van Gogh.

A family with three brothers...

So, feather asked his mom:

“Mom, why is my name Feather”
“Because when you were born, I was holding you on my lap and a feather fell in your forehead!” Answered the mom.

A few days later, Drop asked his mom:

“Why is my name Drop, mom?”
“Because when you were born, I was ho...

Why did the Jack-o-lantern family move to Alabama?

To pump-kin.

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A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup while his family was standing by in the waiting room.

During the checkup, the doctor asked the man if he was having any issues with wetting the bed at night.

The man responded, "No doc, no issues at all with that. On the contrary, when I go to the bathroom, a fairy or something turns the light on when I open the door. And after I finish going ...

Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you.

We keep it in the family

A woman goes into a drugstore.

"Do you sell XL condoms?" she asks the pharmacist.

"Yes, of course, family planning is in aisle 5," he replies.

"Thanks," she says, and walks over.

About a half hour later the pharmacist is stocking shelves and sees the woman still standing in aisle 5.

"Did you find the c...

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I was born in a very conservative family

so I am very much opposed to the idea of sex before marriage. This is why I always wait for women to get married before I sleep with them.

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

People sometime ask me what brought my family to Canada

I tell them my dad was just stationed here during the Vietnam war

I'm addicted to brake fluid and my family is upset.

But it doesn't bother me. I can stop anytime.

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A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel.

As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, "I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn is disabled".







The clerk replies in disgust, "It's just regular porn, you sick f\*\*k".

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A man and his family are on a road trip...

They pull into a seedy looking motel for the night. When they go to check in, he sends his family to the room and leans over the counter and says to the attendant:
"Sir, I hope all your porn channels are disabled."

The man behind the counter looks at him disgustedly and says:

"No, t...

What do you call a little person who cannibalizes their own family?

A munch-kin.


That joke was stupid.

My Doctor: "Have any members of your family suffered from insanity?"

Me: " No, we all seem to enjoy it"

One of my family photo dropped under a women's feet while sitting on a bus. When I asked her politely, I was shocked she slapped me.

I asked her, "Could you lift up your leg? I need to take a picture under your skirt".

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TIFU by causing a massive fight at our families Labor Day BBQ

Now, a bit of background for you all.
Every year, my grandparents invite the entire family over to their place for their annual Labor Day barbecue.
Very rarely, my cousin Samuel decides to come along, and usually only if he's that desperate for a free meal.
Everyone in my family talks mad s...

I was at a family barbecue yesterday night and my great grandma started giggling.

When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

The Schitt Family

Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schit...

Insanity Does Not Run In My Family

It Strolls Through Taking Its Time Getting To Know Everyone Personally.

My friends and family hate me for constantly making food puns. and my wife told me that if I don’t stop she’ll divorce me.

I said: sure, it’ll be a piece of cake.

My father who comes from a long line of clowns just retired and wants me to continue the family legacy.

I've got some big shoes to fill

Waitress: "Wow, you eat really fast!" Me: "Yeah, I come from a big family."

Waitress: "Oh yeah? How many siblings do you have?"

Me: "None. My parents are just super fat."

I was in the gym with my personal trainer. He asked me if my family had any experience with exercise.

I said, "My father has a really impressive bench."

"Oh does he?" he asked. "I might have to see it some day."

He was quite surprised when I led him to the park.

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A Jew family is fixing their roof.

Father: "Son go ask our neighbor Jacob for his hammer please."

So the son goes to Jacob's house and asks for it.

Jacob: "No way, it's brand new and you're going to waste it. Go ask someone else."

The son goes back to his father and delivers the news.

Father: "Jesus, he wo...

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Richard and his family were on a cruise.

Richard told his dad, "I got some new motion sickness drugs. When I get shaken or jerked around too much I spew."
His dad replied, "I already know that, son. Why do you think we called you Dick?"

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...

.. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

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Just came out to my family as sapiosexual.

Everyone’s crying. My mom’s asking me if I’ve ever really given fucking morons a chance before.

My girlfriend sits there quietly, no doubt solving complex math problems in her head for fun.

My mother asks, “So when you go out to eat, who calculates the tip? Both of you?!”

Indubi...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. ...

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A man moved into the city with his family and was having trouble getting some personal space to rub one out

Frustrated and on the brink he walked down to his car parked on the street

Attempting the deed in his car would be too visible to everyone around so he crawled underneath and started jerkin it

Eyes closed and confident he was finally enjoying some alone time when he heard someone walk ...

I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.

Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

Just saw a coke can get crushed in front of his family

Soda pressing....

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Is your family tree a cactus?

Cause your a fucking prick

A British man visits a small American family farm... [Long]

And he's impressed at just how much food the farmer is able to grow on his small plot. "This is most impressive!" he says. "It seems like more than one family could eat, old boy! How do you deal with the excess?"

The farmer, a man of few words, replies: "We eat what we can, and what we can't,...

Why can a written quote never be in a family movie?

Because it contains textual references

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

I come from a family of failed magicians

I have two half sisters.

All of my family are police marksmen except my grandfather, who was a bank robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his relatives.

(Credit to Milton Jones)

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding...

Give a man a fish and he'll feed his family for a day

Teach a man to fish...and over the course of the next few years more and more pieces of fishing equipment will disappear from your garage

A family of bears decide to take a vacation

Papa bear takes the wheel of the car while mama bear sits besides him. Young bear sits at the back.

On their way to their destination, the car swerves off the road and lands on a lake. All three came out safe but only papa bear came out dry.

Why?

He was the driver.

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A family is getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner.

Little Timmy sees his dad shaving. While shaving his dad cuts himself and says "shit"

Little Timmy "Dad what's shit mean"

Dad "It's just another word for shaving"

Little Timmy heads upstairs and sees his Brother and Sister fighting. His Brother calls his sister a Bitch and his S...

Did you hear about the boy that electrocuted his family?

Everyone was shocked

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So a Cherokee family and a White family pull into a restaurant..

White dad sees the Cherokee family coming up behind them and purposely let's the door close being a dick instead of holding it politely.

Cherokee dad shrugs it off and holds it for his family and follows the White family in. But upon getting to the line the Cherokee dad walks right past the ...

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

Was just about to tell my friends and family the Epstein news....

But then I thought naw, lets let this hang a little while longer.

Growing up, the family next door were all giants.

I always looked up to them, but for some reason they always looked down on us.

There’s a nut in the cashew family that makes you sneeze...

They call it a blessew.

My family celebrates Christmas religiously

Every year.

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It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions

Like the Smith family were blacksmiths


and the Bowman family were archers


and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail

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A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

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What do you call a girl who can run faster than her family members?

An Alabama virgin.

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Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

One night, a burglar breaks into the home of a devoted Christian family.

He is merrily rummaging around, looking for stuff to steal, when out of nowhere, he hears a voice:

"Jesus is watching you."

He is startled for a moment but eventually shrugs it off. Just as he is about to put a golden necklace in his backpack, he hears the voice again:

"Jesus is...

My son refused to join the family DJ business. But then returned 6 months later, begging for a job.

Oh, how the turntables.

What do you get when a mother doesn't want her child but her family is against abortion?

An anti vaxxer.

A village chief and his family.

There was a small village where everyone lived in grass huts.

In the middle of the village stood the biggest hut which belonged to the village chief and his family.

During the day, the chief sat in his throne which took up most of the space in his family's hut.

At night, the ...

There's a family of fox.

The father fox.

The mother fox.

And the baby watches.

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Family reunion with Dad and stepmom

Dear Mom,


We are having a great time here at Camp Hazardous Hills. Grandpa is making me write to you in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.


Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on th...

Jacob survived the Holocaust, but his family did not. Angrily, Jacob raises his fist to the sky and shouts "God, give me back my family!"

A few seconds later, a big load of fine ashes is poured down on Jacob and a deep voice from above roars "Here you are, Jacob."

Jacob looks down, then he looks up and shyly notes: "They also had gold teeth."

My grandfather with alzheimer died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

I was so upset my family didn't invite me to the local carnival

Not fair

In my family we were always taught that the man has the last say in a relationship...

"Yes, dear."

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Superman's extended family

Many of you know Kal-El (superman) and his father Zor-El, even his cousin supergirl.

Did you know he has several other loosely related relatives that also traveled to earth as infants and were raised here? Here are a few.

1) he has a cousin that was raised in Mexico, hardworking guy. H...

A lawyer wanted to buy an apartment for his family, but kept being denied by landlords because he had 8 kids.

People keep telling him to lie about how many kids he has, but being a lawyer, he feels too guilty to lie. One day, however, he decides that enough is enough. He tells his wife to take the 7 younger kids with her and go to the cemetery. He then takes the oldest kid and brings him to visit a new apar...

When I told my family I graduated from clown college…

… they all laughed at me.

I was born to an Asian family

But it was rough, the doctors had to perform a C section.

My dad slapped me at birth for not getting an A+ section.

I visited my girlfriends family in Mexico during the summer.

They all laughed at me for wearing a sweater to dinner.

But, my girlfriend told me it would be chili

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[NSFW] At a family gathering, a father is drunkenly talking about his wild younger days with a cousin, while his son listens in.

Cousin: Did you ever do any coke back in the day?

Father: Oh yeah I did lots of cocaine back then. One time I took so much on a night out that my face went completely numb. I did about 6 lines in the space of 10 mins and then I went straight for the bar. I got a vodka at the bar but when I t...

Did you hear about the family of onions that died?

They will be forever minced.

What do you call a family of geese crossing a road?

speed bumps

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[Long] Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit their family's ranch.

In order to stay out of bankruptcy, they need to buy a bull to replace one who recently died. So the brunette goes online and finds a bull for sale in the city stockyards, about three hours away. The price of the bull is listed as $5,000.

Sadly, their inheritance wasn't much beyond the ranch,...

I saw some of my best friends die in the war: I became rude to my family, cut off my friends, and isolated myself from everyone

And now my mom says I’m never allowed to play black ops again

I once lived a stones throw away from a family.

They all died of mysterious head injuries.

I don't like spending too much time with my Girlfriend's family

... her husband's getting suspicious

My family all makes fun of me for having a low-paying job filling in spreadsheets

But I like having a job where I can Excel.

*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*

Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better..

Me: But mom, I lov.....

Mom: I was talking to her.

Fun fact: members of the equine family can send messages to each other by stamping the ground in distinct patterns.

It's their Horse Code.

What did the Stormtrooper say to his family before shipping off to Empire basic training?

I’ll miss you.

My conservative family keeps telling me, “Try to be more like Jesus!”

So I converted to Judaism.

My family has a chronic diarrhea problem.

I guess you could say it runs in our genes.

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A family is checking in at reception.

A family on the check-in at an hotel.
„Family Smith, your room will be number 242“
The dad is asking: „Is the porn disabled“
While the guy behind the reception is replying:
„No it‘s just regular porn you sick fuck“

Family supper.

You and your wife Cass go to her family’s supper.

Michael: Maybe if you stopped at second helpings it be easier for you to lose weight.

Courtney: Maybe if you were nicer you wouldn’t have a 2nd divorce coming.

As the argument gets more intense your wife leans over and says “don...

Once there was a stupidly large family...

Once there was a stupidly large family with 100 children, all named “One, Two, Three,” and so on.

The child named Ninety grew up to be a strict person with an average job and life. She got married and had 3 children, all of which were mischevious and often got into trouble. They became very c...

I told my friend that my boyfriend's family are against us dating

"Who are they to stop you?!"

"His wife and kids"

I took my girlfriend home to meet my family.

My wife and kids hated her.

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A man and his family have a pet duck

Most of the time, the duck stays near the little pond that lies in the corner of their property. Every now and then, the duck wanders around, and sometimes crosses the fence into the neighbor's land.

The neighbor, Mr. Wilson, is a bitter, mean old man who always yells at the children for lett...

How does the Skywalker family like their tea?

Lukewarm

I went to the Calrissian family reunion.

What a bore. Spent way too much time talking to some Rando.

When I shot up the classroom, killed my teacher and everybody else in the building it really affected my family.

I'm home schooled.

My family couldn't agree on whether to get grandpa buried or cremated...

...so in the end we just let him live.

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