My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion

As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*

Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better..

Me: But mom, I lov.....

Mom: I was talking to her.

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

A man is talking to the family doctor.

"Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to ...

Man : 'It is really difficult to raise a family.'

Man : 'It is really difficult to raise a family.'

Necromancer: 'Not if they are buried close together.'

Man: 'What ? ... '

Necromancer: 'What ? ... '

The Trump Family is flying from New York to DC

Donald-"I think I'll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy"
Melania- "Why don't you throw ten $100 bills and make ten Americans happy?
Ivanka- "It will be even better if you throw one hundred $10 dollar bills and make one hundred people happy?
The pilot hears the co...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family enters a hotel for their holiday, the father goes up to the receptionist and says: "I hope the porn here is disabled.”

To which the receptionist replies: “It’s just regular porn, you sick man!”

My family's last name is 'Expectation'

The entire family is currently in the hospital because of my stepdad, he started with me and said that for once in his life he'd beat all expectations

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girl asked me to show more interest in her family...

...so I fucked her sister.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”

I called a Chinese friend of mine to ask how he was doing while he was visiting his family back in China.

He said he couldn’t complain.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I hate when people say, "obesity runs in my family"

Bullshit! No one runs in your family!

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business.

He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life.

One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few y...

All my other family members are wealthy and successful. In order to stand out, I decided to become a panhandler instead.

I beg to differ.

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My family found out me and my girl had period sex last night

They caught me red handed

The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.
<...

Once upon a time, there was a happy family with 3 kids: Snowflake, Sandgrain, and Brick

One day, Snowflake went up to his mother and asked:

“Mommy! Why is my name Snowflake?”

“Well you see, when you were born, a little snowflake landed on your head. So we decided to name you after it.” She replied.

A couple days later, Sandgrain went up to his mother and asked:
...

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Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

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Tell me a sentence you could both say during sex and at a family dinner

How do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it?

A man takes his family to the courtyard to see a beheading

He arrives, but no one is one the stage besides the guards. A half hour later, the headsman arrived on the stage.

“I’m terribly sorry about the wait. I hope it didn’t cause any of you to lose your heads,” the headsman says, and chuckles a little to himself at his joke.
The beheading proc...

I surprised my family today and made the Christmas dinner from scratch.

They started crying.

Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway...

"dad, why all of our family look ugly?"

"I'm your mom"

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A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

Today I ran out of battery on my phone and I had to spend a few hours with my family.

They seem like nice people.

When Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history...

Is it called genealogy or geology?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My family says my morning routine is distgusting.

-Wake up
-Take a shit
-Get out of bed

I’ve written a sitcom about a family who sell Islamic headdresses.

It’s called Bob’s Burqas.

A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some “magic” beans.

“Ma’am” the doctor said with a look of sympathy “I’m afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.”

“Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic” the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.

“Well no it’s not that, the beans are actually ...

Why did the T-Rex family business fail?

They couldn't keep up with the orders... They were always short handed!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My family and I went to the zoo. The thing is, there was only 1 animal!

It was a shitzu

We don’t do reverse cowgirl down here in the south

Never turn your back on family

My family has always been in medicine. My mom is a psychiatrist and my dad is a gastroenterologist.

They specialize in odds and ends.

What was the headline when a former Ghostbuster’s family dug a really long ditch in his home country?

A Dan, A Clan, A Canal, Canada

I told a genie that for my third and final wish, I wanted my family to be happy.

And i started fading.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of ‘boobies’ are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” asked the son.
...

I phoned my daughter, "Where are you? You should have been here an hour ago for our family dinner."

She said, "I'm with my boyfriend getting ready. We're almost finished."

"Thank goodness, I never liked him anyway."

Why do children of recovering alcoholics have such big family reunions?

They have twelve-step-parents.

I told friends and family that i will never vaccinate my kids...

I'll let the doctor do it.

My racist family

I think my family is racist beacause the other night i took my black gf home to meet my family
And the kids wouldnt speak to her and my wife to her to leave

A poor man is about to marry into a rich family

The father of the bride-to-be asks the poor man: “how will you provide for my daughter?”

The poor man replies: “God will provide”

The father of the bride thinks that the poor man is at least religious and will treat his daughter well.

During the wedding practice the father of th...

A family of moles lived on a farm.

One morning, they wake up to the smell of fresh hot pancakes. The papa mole sticks his head up out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The mama mole sticks her head up out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The baby mole tries to stick his head up out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the o...

Disappointed by my family tree

Turns out it is a cactus, there's a prick on every branch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Having pictures of your family as your wallpaper is great.

But it gets awkward when you close pornhub and they're the first thing you see.

A family goes to the beach...

They had their kid with them and being curious he notices ladies with the different breast sizes and what not and asks. "Mom, dad, how come some are small like mommy's and others are really big?" The father, to make his wife feel a bit better goes "the bigger they are the dumber the person is son".....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paris, 1940: A nazi squad enter into an apartment and begin to search for the hidden family.

The soldiers manage to find the dad, the mom and the son, but the daughter remains unfound.

The nazi officer suddenly hears a cough under the children's bed.

He looks under and find the little girl.

With a smile on his face, he tand his hand to help her come out the bedframe....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young family moves into a house next to a vacant lot

One day a construction crew turned up to build a new house on the empty lot. Soon the family’s five year old daughter took an interest in what the construction crew was doing and started hanging around them, well soon they adopted her as their mascot of sorts and let her sit with them during their c...

Our family couldn’t decide whether to have Grandma buried or cremated...

So in the end we just let her live.

As a vegan eating with the German side of my family at Christmas can be tough. I'm too scared to tell them I am vegan so I explained that I had a crippling phobia of meat.

I feared the wurst.

I come from a mixed race family

My mum prefers the 100 metres, my dad is all about the relay.

My teacher found out a family member of mine had passed away

To show his respect, he marked all my work with an F

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in

“Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his peni...

The 41st US president hired a barber for his family

His job was to trim the bushes

A family of mice.

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

What is the only black thing in a redneck family?

The bruises on the wife

Our family recently began leaving our door unlocked for guests so the dog wouldn't bark as much.

It might seem strange, but don't knock it 'til you try it.

There was a young boy in a rich family going to a prestigious university.

He was doing well academically but there was a requirement for at least 3 credit hours of physical education. He tried lacrosse, but couldn't get the hang of it, and failed out during his second year. His third year, he tried polo but again, was not coordinated enough and was also afraid of the ho...

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NSFW - A man checks him and his family into a hotel.

Receptionist: room 412, sir. Enjoy your stay.

Man: I assume the porn is disabled?

Receptionist: no, it’s just regular porn you sick fuck...

My entire family really loves sleeveless clothing.

So we invest in vests, in vests.

Feeding the family

The kids asked for dog this Christmas. Normally we serve Lamb, but this time of year is all about the kids.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The family is at the dining table.

The little 10-year-old girl does not eat and has her nose in her plate….

&#x200B;

After a few moments, she says, “I’ve something to tell you people”

Silence around the table.

“I’m no longer virgin”, and she begins to cry.

A long silence again.

&#x20...

Mommy, mommy why do our family members keep dying so fast?

Mommy?

The Noe Family

A girl is finally going to meet her boyfriend Dave Noe’s family for thanksgiving. She’s really worried because she’s never had a boyfriend before, and has no idea what it’s gong to be like. Dave assures her his family will love her, and that she’ll be fine.

The girl is still incredibly nervou...

Just finished buying the family Christmas tree and as the clerk was tying it down he asked me, "So you plan on putting this up yourself then?"

"No you sicko- I was thinking in front of the window in the den."

Traditionally, we always have a family Christmas jumper...

...It's always my job to talk him down :/

Apparenty we have a serial killer in our family.

All my Honey Nut Cheerios are gone.

A family had just moved to the US from India.

They had a young daughter, like 5 years old, who was still learning English. One day she fell down the stairs while playing outside. She ran in crying and saying "The stairs hit me!"... once she calmed down her dad corrected her and said "No no. You mean to say 'I fell down the stairs'."

A fe...

Was watching this show with my family the other day.

All the scenes were people singing in the shower while bathing themselves.

Such a strange soap opera.

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man with a nervous stomach sits at the dinner table with his girlfriend's entire family.

The uncomfortable bloat he feels is ruining his chances of making a good impression. Despite his heroic efforts a small fart leaks out. "Spot!" the grandma scolds. Looking down the young man sees the family dog cower near the base of his chair. "Great!" the young man thinks, "I'll let out just a lit...

What do you call it when a family passes down a turkey recipe?

Copy and basting

Family politics

A mother-in-law was welcoming her newly wed daughter-in-law and explaining the hierarchy:

"I am Vice President, Home Affairs Minister as well as Finance Minister of this house.

Your Father-in-law is the President, Defense and Security Minister and Foreign Affairs Minister.

My So...

My family surprised me with a car for my birthday...

...Good thing they missed

Family party

Went to a family party over the weekend, there was good food, plenty of alcohol and lots of dancing.

When they played the twist, I twisted. When they played shout, I shouted.
When they played Come on Eileen, well that's when the fight broke out...

My family criticized me for drinking so early in the morning...

But the clock on the oven has said 325 all day

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...

How would you describe an anti-vaxxer family with three children?

Double income, no kids.

I don't know why some Americans have a problem with a family consisting of two dads...

I mean, the country itself has forefathers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm a Hispanic man and started a family with my Japanese wife.

The kids names are Mikasa and Tsukasa, we're gonna stop visiting my folks for a while because they always laugh at them.

My family is like treasure.

You'll need a map and shovel to find them.

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have two half-sisters.

How much does it cost to kill Tony Stark's family?

1 Buck.

After I die, I want my remains spread at my favorite places around the world so my family can experience them too.

But I don't believe in cremation.

A family is out on a trip to see nature.

Dad : And that up there, is a family of swallows.

Boy : That's so cool!

Girl : Wait a minute, where's mommy swallow?

Dad : I haven't seen mommy swallow since before you were born.

Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.

He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.

Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"

And it was clear to everyone around him that he was...

A recent accident has left me wheelchair bound. I'm a burden to my family and my morning bathroom routine is torture...

I can't stand to look at myself.

Every Christmas with my family truly feels like the first Christmas.

There is no room, just three wise guys and a complete ass.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel.

As he's checking in, he says to the clerk, "I'm on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled"

The clerk replies in disgust, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck"

Every family reunion we would see our uncle who we called “caveman” we called him that because he was big and hairy and every now and then he would eat one of us

Then we found out he was a bear

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I️ said, “No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine”

A college girl brings her new beau home to meet the family

Her father takes him aside for a chat,

"You seem like a nice enough fellow young man, what do you study?'

"I'm a theology major sir." Answers the young man.

"I see,If you dont mind my asking, where will you live with my little girl after you get married?"

"God will provi...

A priest was breathing his last on his deathbed. He was asked by his family if he had any last wishes...

After a deep, troubled breath, he muttered, "nun".