Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her...

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He resp...

I was at a family barbecue yesterday night and my great grandma started giggling.

When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

My father who comes from a long line of clowns just retired and wants me to continue the family legacy.

I've got some big shoes to fill

I come from a family of failed magicians

I have two half sisters.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

A British man visits a small American family farm... [Long]

And he's impressed at just how much food the farmer is able to grow on his small plot. "This is most impressive!" he says. "It seems like more than one family could eat, old boy! How do you deal with the excess?"

The farmer, a man of few words, replies: "We eat what we can, and what we can't,...

One night, a burglar breaks into the home of a devoted Christian family.

He is merrily rummaging around, looking for stuff to steal, when out of nowhere, he hears a voice:

"Jesus is watching you."

He is startled for a moment but eventually shrugs it off. Just as he is about to put a golden necklace in his backpack, he hears the voice again:

"Jesus is...

All of my family are police marksmen except my grandfather, who was a bank robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his relatives.

(Credit to Milton Jones)

I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.

Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

Give a man a fish and he'll feed his family for a day

Teach a man to fish...and over the course of the next few years more and more pieces of fishing equipment will disappear from your garage

Did you hear about the boy that electrocuted his family?

Everyone was shocked

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

My son refused to join the family DJ business. But then returned 6 months later, begging for a job.

Oh, how the turntables.

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. ...

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...

.. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

Was just about to tell my friends and family the Epstein news....

But then I thought naw, lets let this hang a little while longer.

When I told my family I graduated from clown college…

… they all laughed at me.

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Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

A village chief and his family.

There was a small village where everyone lived in grass huts.

In the middle of the village stood the biggest hut which belonged to the village chief and his family.

During the day, the chief sat in his throne which took up most of the space in his family's hut.

At night, the ...

There's a family of fox.

The father fox.

The mother fox.

And the baby watches.

In my family we were always taught that the man has the last say in a relationship...

"Yes, dear."

Jacob survived the Holocaust, but his family did not. Angrily, Jacob raises his fist to the sky and shouts "God, give me back my family!"

A few seconds later, a big load of fine ashes is poured down on Jacob and a deep voice from above roars "Here you are, Jacob."

Jacob looks down, then he looks up and shyly notes: "They also had gold teeth."

I was so upset my family didn't invite me to the local carnival

Not fair

My grandfather with alzheimer died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

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A family is getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner.

Little Timmy sees his dad shaving. While shaving his dad cuts himself and says "shit"

Little Timmy "Dad what's shit mean"

Dad "It's just another word for shaving"

Little Timmy heads upstairs and sees his Brother and Sister fighting. His Brother calls his sister a Bitch and his S...

What do you get when a mother doesn't want her child but her family is against abortion?

An anti vaxxer.

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

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[Long] Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit their family's ranch.

In order to stay out of bankruptcy, they need to buy a bull to replace one who recently died. So the brunette goes online and finds a bull for sale in the city stockyards, about three hours away. The price of the bull is listed as $5,000.

Sadly, their inheritance wasn't much beyond the ranch,...

It's a sad commentary on modern society that an entire loving family can be torn apart by such a simple thing

as a pack of wild dogs.

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Superman's extended family

Many of you know Kal-El (superman) and his father Zor-El, even his cousin supergirl.

Did you know he has several other loosely related relatives that also traveled to earth as infants and were raised here? Here are a few.

1) he has a cousin that was raised in Mexico, hardworking guy. H...

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

I once lived a stones throw away from a family.

They all died of mysterious head injuries.

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A man is making dinner for his family

He is making deer but he wants his kids to try it before they know what it is, fearful they may not give it a chance. He calls them to the dinner table.

At the table the kids ask: “What is this?”

The father says: “Just try it”

The kids are stubborn so they ask again: “We aren’t...

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It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions

Like the Smith family were blacksmiths


and the Bowman family were archers


and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail

Did you hear about the family of onions that died?

They will be forever minced.

I don't like spending too much time with my Girlfriend's family

... her husband's getting suspicious

What do you call a family of geese crossing a road?

speed bumps

Fun fact: members of the equine family can send messages to each other by stamping the ground in distinct patterns.

It's their Horse Code.

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A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

I visited my girlfriends family in Mexico during the summer.

They all laughed at me for wearing a sweater to dinner.

But, my girlfriend told me it would be chili

My family all makes fun of me for having a low-paying job filling in spreadsheets

But I like having a job where I can Excel.

How does the Skywalker family like their tea?

Lukewarm

I was born to an Asian family

But it was rough, the doctors had to perform a C section.

My dad slapped me at birth for not getting an A+ section.

A lawyer wanted to buy an apartment for his family, but kept being denied by landlords because he had 8 kids.

People keep telling him to lie about how many kids he has, but being a lawyer, he feels too guilty to lie. One day, however, he decides that enough is enough. He tells his wife to take the 7 younger kids with her and go to the cemetery. He then takes the oldest kid and brings him to visit a new apar...

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A family is checking in at reception.

A family on the check-in at an hotel.
„Family Smith, your room will be number 242“
The dad is asking: „Is the porn disabled“
While the guy behind the reception is replying:
„No it‘s just regular porn you sick fuck“

My family’s new truck

I remember once when I was a younger kid living with my parents, my dad gave me some money to go down to the grocery store to pay the electricity bill.

Thinking I was a super lucky kid & kind of smart, I decided to buy scratch-off tickets instead. Surprise, surprise - yeah, none of them w...

Family supper.

You and your wife Cass go to her family’s supper.

Michael: Maybe if you stopped at second helpings it be easier for you to lose weight.

Courtney: Maybe if you were nicer you wouldn’t have a 2nd divorce coming.

As the argument gets more intense your wife leans over and says “don...

What’s the average family size in Chernobyl?

3.5

What do you call a couple that practices natural family planning?

Parents.

Apparently, I'm the punchline of this joke.

My conservative family keeps telling me, “Try to be more like Jesus!”

So I converted to Judaism.

My family has a chronic diarrhea problem.

I guess you could say it runs in our genes.

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A man and his family have a pet duck

Most of the time, the duck stays near the little pond that lies in the corner of their property. Every now and then, the duck wanders around, and sometimes crosses the fence into the neighbor's land.

The neighbor, Mr. Wilson, is a bitter, mean old man who always yells at the children for lett...

What’s it called when a redneck investigates the murder of one of his family members?

An Incestigation.

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A family is at the dinner table

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like...

I went to the Calrissian family reunion.

What a bore. Spent way too much time talking to some Rando.

I told my friend that my boyfriend's family are against us dating

"Who are they to stop you?!"

"His wife and kids"

Grandma, why does so many people in our family die suddenly?

Grandma, grandma?!!

During a family visit, my 6 y/o nephew showed me his handicrafted kite.

Then I showed him my Apple watch and said "Nice, but look what kids in China can do at your age."

What did the Stormtrooper say to his family before shipping off to Empire basic training?

I’ll miss you.

Forty days pass, the flood recedes, and Noah and his family are settling in.

Noah's wife notices that all the animals are starting to reproduce, except for a pair of snakes. She asks Noah about it, and he says he'll take care of it. A week later, Noah brings his wife out to the workshop, and shows her the snakes in their basket on top of the picnic table he just built. "How ...

I attended many weddings in the past within my extended family.

At the reception, the old folks always came to me telling: "You're next! You're next!"

This suddenly stopped after I started doing the same at funeral services.

A husband and a wife go to a family court to get divorced

Judge: You’ve got three children, how do you intend to divide them?

After almost an hour of discussion the couple finally decided and said: we cannot obviously divide three equally amongst the two of us, so we’ll come next year after making another one.

The joke doesn’t end here folks ...

Once there was a stupidly large family...

Once there was a stupidly large family with 100 children, all named “One, Two, Three,” and so on.

The child named Ninety grew up to be a strict person with an average job and life. She got married and had 3 children, all of which were mischevious and often got into trouble. They became very c...

At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a dad and his 7 year old son.

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float any...

I took my girlfriend home to meet my family.

My wife and kids hated her.

How do family members connect with each other in Alabama?

Tinder

I made my family laugh while cooking eggs

What a great yolk

Friends and family: You need to stop making suicide jokes

Me: Don't worry, I will soon.

I told my family that there should be plenty of bongs and blunts at my funeral.

It’ll be a true wake and bake.

My granddad was surrounded by his family when he died.

Such was the manpower needed to hold the pillow over his face.

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A family wants to know why they were named the way they were.

A fathers daughter walks in and says, “Dad, why is my name butterfly?

The father replies, “well, when you were born a butterfly landed on your head.”

Then the second daughter walks in and asks, “Dad, why is my name lily?”

The dad replies, “well, when you were born a lily flew in...

The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise

but the fire trucks ruined it.

A family member told me that my sausage puns are dreadful

but I've told wurst.

A persian Jewish family is having dinner...

The waiter walks over and asks, "Is anything okay?"

I went to a family reunion in Nevada. Turns out what happens in Vegas...

Is executable back in Texas.

Before starting a family, most couples aren’t aware of the side effects.

When the baby arrives, they become apparent.

*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*

Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better..

Me: But mom, I lov.....

Mom: I was talking to her.

My family couldn't agree on whether to get grandpa buried or cremated...

...so in the end we just let him live.

Some names make sense. Like "Johnson" was probably given to the son of a guy named "John". Or how someone with the family name "Smith" most likely had some Blacksmiths in the family at some point.

But when someone has the name "Dickinson." I draw the line.

Once there is a Family Mom, Snow Flake, Grain of sand and Cinder block

Snow Flake asks her mom "Mom why did you call me Snow Flake?"
And her mom replies " Because when you were born a snow flake fell on your forehead."
Then Grain of sand asks "Mom why did you call me Grain of sand?"
And then mom replies " Because when you were born a grain of sand fell on your...

It was really hard spending Christmas with my estranged family in Mexico.

I don’t think anyone cared I was there. The whole time they kept looking for this lady, Phyllis, and her Navy Dad.

When I was a kid, my family used to call that one spot under a bridge "Yellow Submarine".

That was because we all lived there.

What did the Chinese guy's family say after he didn't cry at his own fathers funeral?

Unbereavable...

Nicki Minaj researched her family tree and discovered she was part American Indian.

The tribe: Arapahoe.

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A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas...

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat.
Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” ...

Family Drama

My son: I got a D in my math

Me: That's really bad

My wife: You need to stop doing his homework

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A married couple were seeing a family counselor for troubles in their relationship....

Counselor: First of all, tell me about something that you both have in common?

Husband: Well... neither of us would suck the dick.

Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history

Is that genealogy or geology?

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During the family reunion, I was walking over to my uncle's table.

But as I neared him, I fell.

I found myself on my uncle's lap when he said,

"Trying to fuck with me?"

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At a Sunday family lunch, a daughter, good student aged 20, announces that she is pregnant.

Father drops the fork and knife in shock. Mother looks at her in total disbelief. None of them are able to say a word for couple of seconds, before yelling starts... What was she thinking about? Of course she does not plan to keep it? They invested so much in her education, how could she do this? Wh...

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[NSFW] A retired polish porn star moves to America with his family.

He eventually gets to old to live by himself during the days no one is there so they find him a home. His son asked him, "how are they treating you, are you enjoying it?"

"Yes!" He replied, "They treat everyone here with much respect! Tom down the hall was a doctor and they still call him Dr...

What do Alabamans use to show their family tree?

A telephone pole. No branches

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A family goes to the zoo...

and when they get there, they decide to split up so they can see more animals. The little boy goes with his mother, and after they walk for a bit he points and says, "Mommy, what's that?!" She tells him that it's a monkey. Soon after he points again, asking "Mommy, what's that?" She tells him that i...

People in the Lee family are extremely proud

Ah Fook came back home after the first day of first grade. He told his mother about what happened at school.

Fook: "Teacher told us to count our numbers. All the other students only counted to 15 while I counted to 50. Is that because I'm a Lee?"

Mother: "No darling, it's because you l...

My family was poor when I was a kid

I was lucky to be a boy -- at least I had something to play with.

How do you make a plumber cry?

Kill his family.

My Family

I once saw a shirt that said: My family puts the "fun" in "dysfunctional".

MY family puts the "stew" in "stupid"

Did you hear about the family that was so poor...

...that a burglar broke into their home and all he got was practice?

I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I’m going home for the hollandaise.

I have a family of horses living nextdoor to me.

They're my *neigh-*bors.

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