A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...

.. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

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Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

My grandfather with alzheimer died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

I told my friend that my boyfriend's family are against us dating

"Who are they to stop you?!"

"His wife and kids"

I was born to an Asian family

But it was rough, the doctors had to perform a C section.

My dad slapped me at birth for not getting an A+ section.

What did the Stormtrooper say to his family before shipping off to Empire basic training?

I’ll miss you.

My family couldn't agree on whether to get grandpa buried or cremated...

...so in the end we just let him live.

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

Once there was a stupidly large family...

Once there was a stupidly large family with 100 children, all named “One, Two, Three,” and so on.

The child named Ninety grew up to be a strict person with an average job and life. She got married and had 3 children, all of which were mischevious and often got into trouble. They became very c...

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

Some names make sense. Like "Johnson" was probably given to the son of a guy named "John". Or how someone with the family name "Smith" most likely had some Blacksmiths in the family at some point.

But when someone has the name "Dickinson." I draw the line.

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It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions

Like the Smith family were blacksmiths


and the Bowman family were archers


and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail

I took my girlfriend home to meet my family.

My wife and kids hated her.

How does a rapist start a family?

Moves to Alabama.

My granddad was surrounded by his family when he died.

Such was the manpower needed to hold the pillow over his face.

What do Alabamans use to show their family tree?

A telephone pole. No branches

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to anothe...

A great way to come out to your family:

“I like my women like my coffee.

I don’t like coffee.”

People in the Lee family are extremely proud

Ah Fook came back home after the first day of first grade. He told his mother about what happened at school.

Fook: "Teacher told us to count our numbers. All the other students only counted to 15 while I counted to 50. Is that because I'm a Lee?"

Mother: "No darling, it's because you l...

Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history

Is that genealogy or geology?

My Family

I once saw a shirt that said: My family puts the "fun" in "dysfunctional".

MY family puts the "stew" in "stupid"

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

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A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

How do you make a plumber cry?

Kill his family.

Friendly Crow: How was your family reunion?

Antisocial Crow: It was murder...

In my family it's traditional to have a Christmas jumper

and it's my job to talk them down.

I confessed to my family I am not actually an electrician.

My sister was shocked.

Did you hear about the family that was so poor...

...that a burglar broke into their home and all he got was practice?

I hate it when people say that obesity runs in their family.

The real problem is that _nobody_ runs in their family.

*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*

Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better..

Me: But mom, I lov.....

Mom: I was talking to her.

What song does Trump play while going to a Mexican family's house?

Ice, Ice, Baby.

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A family of three sit down for dinner

The son asks his mother, "Why does the dog lick its ass under the dinner table?"

The mother replies, "To get the taste of your father's cooking out of its mouth."

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An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.

All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Abdullah.

"How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson.
It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Abdu...

I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict.

So I’m going home for the hollandaise.

There is a family sitting a a table...

Dad: We’ll have some tacos

Waiter: Sir, this is a French Restaurant

Dad: Ok... then pizza?

Waiter: Again Sir, this is a French Restaurant

Dad: Well I give up

Waiter: Now your speaking my language

Grandpa notices a full cup of coffee being cold on the table at a family party, asks "who didn't drink that coffee?"

Everyone starts looking around with question marks in their eyes, I couldn't help myself...
"Everyone didn't drink the coffee"

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A family checks into a hotel at the check-in desk the dad turns to his wife and says "i hope the porn is disabled"

To which the check-in clerk replies "I'm afraid it's just normal porn u sick fuck"

My entire family urged me to get an abortion but my grandparents supported my decision.

My grandparents are great.

What do you call family members you sleep with?

Nap-kins!

It's Mother's Day and the whole family has enjoyed a delicious dinner.

As all were done, the mother stands up and as she's about to grab the empty plates, the father asks :

"Honey... what are you doing ?"

Mother : "... Bringing the dishes to the kitchen and putting them in the dishwasher, what else ?"

Father : "Come on darling, today is Mother's Da...

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A family moves from Maine to Massachusetts

Their son is enrolled in the third grade.
The first day, he comes home from school looking sad. He goes to his father and says "Da, today at school we had history, and all the kids from Massachusetts know more than me. Why?" And his father says, "Well, son, that's because you're from Maine, and...

An Indian tracker is teaching his son the family trade

After a day of analyzing prints and tracks, the old man laid his head down on the plain. After a moment, he said “Buffalo come.”

The son excitedly asked “How can you tell? Can you hear the hoof beats?”

“No” he replied. “Ear sticky.”

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A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas...

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat.
Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” ...

Family having Specially Planned Dinner on Mother's Day, But the Mother was So Quiet....

Finally, her husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not believing her, he asked again. “No seriously, what’s wrong?”
Finally she said, “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t e...

I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to the family.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed pretty upset.

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A lady from New York was visiting family in Texas

They went to a restaurant and during thier meal the lady began choking on a piece of bread. One of the concerned locals quickly took action. He lifted up her dress and stuck his toungue inside her anus. The lady was so shocked by this she coughed up the bread that was lodged in her trachea.

T...

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A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel.

As he’s checking in, he says to the clerk, “I’m on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled.”

The clerk replies in disgust, “It’s just regular porn, you sick fuck.”

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A big rubber dildo hits the windshield of the family car

Daughter in the back says: "what was that?"

Mother answers: "nothing sweetheart.... Just a big fat bug"

Daughter replies: "it had a huge dick though!"

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A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.

A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch.

The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, and two kids but there was an alive monkey sitting in the car.
...

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A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”

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My family is the only reason I keep living

I don't want to give those fuckers the satisfaction of my suicide.

So this father and son go hunting for an Easter Goose for the family...

They're up early and in their favorite blind by sun up. Coffee, hot. Rifles, loaded. Air, crisp. It doesn't take long before a flock heads their way and they shoot down a fair sized bird and collect it, then bring it home to the Wife and Daughter for cleaning and preparation. All goes well and the G...

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Bubba died in a horrific accident and they were unable to reach his family to identify the body.

So they brought in his two best friends Leroy and Jimmy, as the three of them went everywhere together. When they walked into the morgue they were unable to tell for certain, as his face had been badly mangled. Leroy asks the mortician to roll him over so he can check to be sure. As soon as he ro...

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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

Best part of an Alabamian wedding?

Can also double as a family reunion.

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.

Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sen...

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I think my family are a bunch of racists

I just started dating a black woman and I recently brought her to meet my family.

The kids won't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

Why couldn't the dentists family find the spot where he was buried?

Because there was no plaque on it.

A family moves into their new house.

Grandma comes for a visit and asks the youngest child, a five-year-old, how he likes the new place.
“It’s terrific,” he says. “I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.”

A man has died, and his friends and family are gathered together in a small church for his memorial service...

As the service nears its conclusion, a man rises up from his seat on a pew in the very back row and begins to shuffle towards the pulpit, where the preacher is concluding his remarks and the widow of the deceased stands by weeping.

The man makes his way up to the very front of the congregatio...

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents

One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

A family is found murdered

The police investigate 3 suspects, a neighbor, a relative, one of the father's coworkers. All of them deny it and have an alibi. The neighbor was grocery shopping, the relative was on vacation, and the coworker was home watching The Walking Dead. The police arrest the father's coworker. They found t...

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A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they ...

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A dad is checking his family into a hotel

Front desk manager: “Hello sir how may I help you?”

Dad: “Yes, I’m checking in with my family so I want to be sure the porn is disabled in our room.”

Front desk manager: *visibly disgusted* “We only have regular porn available you sick fuck”

A husband and wife are visiting the wife’s family during the holidays.

Her mother is a stickler for her food intake, and will only eat organic and fresh foods. The husband goes to the store with specific instructions on the type of foods to buy. “Excuse me,” the man asks the grocer, “are these vegetables sprayed with any harmful chemicals or pesticides that could kill ...

A worried father calls the family doctor because he thinks his teen son has caught a venereal disease.

“I think he got it from the maid,” says the concerned dad, “and I’ve also been sleeping with the maid.”

​

“Okay,” the doctor replies calmly. “Well, when you bring him into the office we’ll take a look at you as well.”

​

“And that’s not all,” the fath...

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A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise

The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I c...

A man is talking to the family doctor.

"Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to ...

My three favorite things

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

My family loves to have dance parties.

My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect.

Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing!

It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especi...

A family goes to a nudist beach

The boy looks around and asks his dad: why do peoples privates go either up or down?
The dad replies: If it points upwards, they're rich, and if it points downwards, they're poor.

The father then goes to sleep, and after a while he wakes up again to find his wife gone. He asks his son wher...

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A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family

-My beloved wife

-Im here my love

-My son, are you here?

-yes father, im here

-my beautiful daughter, youre also here

-yes dad, we are all here with you

-THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE THE KITCHEN LIGHTS ON?

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An elderly couple is having a dinner with their family.

"This is so wonderful, it really warms my heart," the old lady says.

Her husband replies, "No wonder, your left tit is hanging in your soup."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 6 year old little boy was sitting at the dinner table with his family.

He had never spoken his entire life, despite years of speech-therapy and other efforts from his parents.

He starts eating his dinner, suddenly stops, and looks right at his mom.

“You burnt the fucking beans”. He said

His parents couldn’t believe their ears.

“Johnny!! Yo...

I come from a family of failed magicians..

I've got two half sisters.

A frantic father calls the family doctor on the phone.

“Doc, you’ve got to come quick! My three-year-old son just swallowed all of my golf tees.”

​

“All right, stay calm,” the doctor tells the father. “I’ll be over in ten minutes.”

​

“What should I do in the meantime?” the father asks.

&#x200B...

What does a cactus and the Kardashian family have in common?

They're both full of pricks

A man goes to his fiancee's family reunion.

Being his first time, he's amazed at how many people are there.

He asks, "This can't all be your family, is it?"

"It sure is. Let me introduce you to everyone," she replies. "Let's get something to drink first."

The couple goes over to the drink table and the man reaches over ...

I called a Chinese friend of mine to ask how he was doing while he was visiting his family back in China.

He said he couldn’t complain.

What does a politician tell to his family?

lies

Man : 'It is really difficult to raise a family.'

Man : 'It is really difficult to raise a family.'

Necromancer: 'Not if they are buried close together.'

Man: 'What ? ... '

Necromancer: 'What ? ... '

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man takes his family on vacation...

He goes down to the concierge desk and informs them that he has children in his room and he would like to request the following...


"Please ensure that no long distance numbers can be called."

"Of course sir, done."

"Please ensure there are no alcoholic beverages in the min...

The Trump Family is flying from New York to DC

Donald-"I think I'll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy"
Melania- "Why don't you throw ten $100 bills and make ten Americans happy?
Ivanka- "It will be even better if you throw one hundred $10 dollar bills and make one hundred people happy?
The pilot hears the co...

Finally got the courage to introduce my girlfriend to my family

Safe to say my wife wasn’t happy.

Told the whole family I was gonna put the dog down, we've had him 10 years.

I then proceeded to let him down to the ground and he just walked away.

Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist.

It's called Facebook.

I brung my girlfriend home to meet the family.

You shoulda seen the look on my wife’s face!

Why do people from Alabama not have a family tree?

Because there it's called a family ladder.

What do you call a hillbilly family tree?

A wreath

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tell me a sentence you could both say during sex and at a family dinner

How do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it?

Death in the family

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...

... in another city!

No one in a family of four wants to do the dishes...

The husband asks the wife to do it; the wife tells the daughter to do it; the daughter tells the son to do it; the son doesn’t want to do it either.

When a friend came to visit, he was very surprised to see the pet dog doing the dishes.
“Wow!” he exclaimed, “I didn’t know dogs could do cho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

Once upon a time, there was a happy family with 3 kids: Snowflake, Sandgrain, and Brick

One day, Snowflake went up to his mother and asked:

“Mommy! Why is my name Snowflake?”

“Well you see, when you were born, a little snowflake landed on your head. So we decided to name you after it.” She replied.

A couple days later, Sandgrain went up to his mother and asked:
...

The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.
<...

A small turkish family had a car accident.

18 people died.

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