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A family are driving behind a garbage truck....

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the wind shield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was just an insect." To which her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off th...

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I didn't realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner

My wife and kids HATED her!

My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child...

I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.



It runs in our jeans.

I was late to my cannibal family's Thanksgiving dinner

I got the cold shoulder

Doctor: does anything run in your family that I should know about?

**Me: [clutching a crumpled photo of my dad]** ...yes

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[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]

Me: This is my girlfriend Janine

Janine: Hi

Wife: What the fuck

A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years lat...

My family had Wookiee steak for dinner.

It was fine, just a little chewy...

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what’s the worst part of a family thanksgiving in Alabama?

the sexual tension

My family keeps telling me I have a serious lunchmeat problem

But I can't just quit cold turkey

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices:

take it or leave it.

My Family asked me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes.

I told them I couldn't stop cold turkey!

My family owns a tea shop

Customer: You should sell milk tea.

Me: We tried but it didn't work out.

Customer: What happened?

Me: My Dad never came back with the milk.

The youngest male member of a Desi Family is called 'Babu'. The oldest is called 'Babuji'.

It takes a lifetime for men to reach that ji spot.

Not one of my normal posts. Bit more serious. If anybody knows of any lonely old people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can they let me know,

I need to borrow some chairs.

An Amish family visits a mall...

...the mother strolls along an aisle and experience modern life. The dad and the son, however, encounters an elevator.
"What is that, father?", the son asked.
"I don't know either, my son", replied the father, "Let's see what they use it for".
They then see an ugly, fat woman trudge into th...

Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend's family.

Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom.

As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said ”Give me anot...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her...

There was a family of tomatoes

Daddy tomato, Mommy tomato and baby tomato.
Baby tomato was starting to lag behind.
Daddy tomato got angry, so he ran over, jumped on the baby and squished him. Then he said
"Ketchup"

We met a family with 5 kids. I guessed their names correctly

Honeymoon, Valentine's Day, Pulled Out, Forgot the pill, and Broken Condom.

condolences to the family - Dad Joke

Friends daughter hit a deer she was shaken but not hurt car was pretty messed up

told him I give my condolences and that he should reach out to the deers family for help with the deductible.

He for good reason gives a look of bewilderment and asked why

with the best dad response...

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A man on vacation with his family arrives at a hotel...

As he’s checking in, he says to the clerk, “I’m on vacation with my family, please make sure the porn channel is disabled.”

The clerk replies in disgust, “It’s just regular porn, you sick fuck.”

My family held an intervention for me today...

They say I'm addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers, I said I can quit cold Turkey whenever I want

There was a family and a family friend eating dinner.

There was a mom, a dad, a little girl, and the family friend, Brian. The little girl greeted the family friend, “Hi grandpa Brian!” The mom and dad looked at the little girl, obviously confused. The dad said “Brian isn’t your Grandpa, love.” The little girl looked at the father and asked “What makes...

I Came Home to my Find my Family Holding an Intervention

"Honey," my wife says, "we're worried about how much you've been drinking as of late. We believe you suffer from alcoholism." I peer down at my usual thirty-pack of beer I pick up every Friday after work. "Sweety, kids, I'm not an alcoholic," I express to my loved ones. "Alcoholics *need* alcohol. I...

What is another way to say "Obesity runs in my family"?

"I don't have skinny genes."

A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?”

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.”

The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?”
...

A family of cannibals visit China

"What's for dinner, mom?"

"Chinese!"

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A family on vacation stops at a hotel for the night

As they were finishing at the front desk, the father looks at the clerk and says “I sure hope the porn here is disabled”

Disgusted, the clerk says back to the father “no sir, our porn here is just regular porn”

It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone.

The next day, her mother called to see how everything went.

"Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter.

"Did it not taste good?" her mother asked.

"I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

I had a great time watching "The Worlds Largest Outdoor Family Reunion" yesterday.

I guess most people just call it the Alabama vs Auburn game.

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[Long] Two brothers, a vegan and a carnivore, sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together with their family...

The father intones, "on this day of thanks, let us give thanks to God..."

The vegan brother interrupts..."I'm not eating the turkey..."

The carnivore brother replies, " that's fine, there's plenty of other food on the table."

The vegan then says " I'm not eating any of the stuff...

My family are worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles.

It's OK though,

I know where to draw the line..

What did the dad say to his family after asking if anyone needed to go to the bathroom before they left on a trip?

“Speak now or forever hold your pees”

A guy gives flowers to all of his family. To his wife he gives roses, to his parents he gives orchids, to his daughters he gives daisies.

And to his sons, he gives sunflowers

Why didn't the family visit the Louvre?

They didn't have the Monet to get Degas to make the Van Gogh.

A man and his family are driving along when they're pulled over by a policeman who informs them that they're the one-millionth car to drive past his checkout, and hands them a prize check for 1000 dollars.

"What are you going to do with your winnings?" Asks the policeman.
"I think I'll use it to finally get some driving lessons!" says the husband
"Don't listen to him, he's drunk!" Barks the wife, which wakes the mother-in-law in the backseat
Upon seeing the policeman, she exclaims "Gah,...

My family owns a business making safety mats.

Personally I see myself selling mirrors, but it’s something to fall back on.

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Have you heard that the local bakery family has a history of having sex with each other?

They were in bread.

Our family was so poor when I was growing up

If I hadn’t been a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with

This Thanksgiving, when your family asks if you're joking when they hound you about having children...

...tell them you're not kidding.

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

A little boy opened the big, old family Bible

with fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. ...

Missed talking to my friends and family at my funeral

But you could say I was there in spirit

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A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup while his family was standing by in the waiting room.

During the checkup, the doctor asked the man if he was having any issues with wetting the bed at night.

The man responded, "No doc, no issues at all with that. On the contrary, when I go to the bathroom, a fairy or something turns the light on when I open the door. And after I finish going ...

Family meetings

I took my girlfriend back to my parents house to meet my family last night

"This is my dad, and this is my twin brother"

"Oh how cute" she said "who's the oldest"

"My dad obviously you idiot" I replied

Family reunions must be hard in Alabama.

All your ex’s together in one place, big yikes.

My neighbors, the Razzis, have more family photographs hanging from their wall than anyone I know.

Thanks to their Dad.

Papa Razzi.

Wife cheats on her husband with the mailman

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope....

Gary left his family to go to the war. What crossed his mind when he was in the trenches?

A bullet.

There once lived a family of balloons, there was: A mommy balloon, a daddy balloon and a kid balloon.

Each night the kid balloon would get nightmares and go into the parents bed when they were asleep. The daddy balloon constantly told the kid balloon not to do this as it was disrupting his sleep schedule. But as the kid got older and older he began not to fit. So one night he released some air from ...

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My father found a way to make the family come closer

He just unplugs the modem, therefore we are all running in the living room, to see what the fuck is going on.

I hate family reunions....

I see too many of my ex’s there

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...

.. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

I was at a family barbecue yesterday night and my great grandma started giggling.

When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

Why did the Jack-o-lantern family move to Alabama?

To pump-kin.

A family with three brothers...

So, feather asked his mom:

“Mom, why is my name Feather”
“Because when you were born, I was holding you on my lap and a feather fell in your forehead!” Answered the mom.

A few days later, Drop asked his mom:

“Why is my name Drop, mom?”
“Because when you were born, I was ho...

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

My Doctor: "Have any members of your family suffered from insanity?"

Me: " No, we all seem to enjoy it"

At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a Dad and his 7 year old son.

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywh...

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make ...

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

Me and my family were planning on going to the theater this weekend.

We made calculations and with 20 bucks more we are now going to punta cana for the weekend instead.

I'm addicted to brake fluid and my family is upset.

But it doesn't bother me. I can stop anytime.

Not learning from mistakes runs in the family.

Which is why I have a little brother.

My family was on vacation in Florida when suddenly I heard someone scream that my mother in law fell into the alligator pool. Not thinking twice, I jumped in...

...to save the alligator.

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

I come from a family of failed magicians

I have two half sisters.

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the...

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TIFU by causing a massive fight at our families Labor Day BBQ

Now, a bit of background for you all.
Every year, my grandparents invite the entire family over to their place for their annual Labor Day barbecue.
Very rarely, my cousin Samuel decides to come along, and usually only if he's that desperate for a free meal.
Everyone in my family talks mad s...

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

People sometime ask me what brought my family to Canada

I tell them my dad was just stationed here during the Vietnam war

I am suspicious that someone in my family has been secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.

Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

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A man and his family are on a road trip...

They pull into a seedy looking motel for the night. When they go to check in, he sends his family to the room and leans over the counter and says to the attendant:
"Sir, I hope all your porn channels are disabled."

The man behind the counter looks at him disgustedly and says:

"No, t...

My father who comes from a long line of clowns just retired and wants me to continue the family legacy.

I've got some big shoes to fill

My friends and family hate me for constantly making food puns. and my wife told me that if I don’t stop she’ll divorce me.

I said: sure, it’ll be a piece of cake.

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There are 2 farmers, Jim and Bob, sitting in a Bar having a beer..

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

What do you call a little person who cannibalizes their own family?

A munch-kin.


That joke was stupid.

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I was born in a very conservative family

so I am very much opposed to the idea of sex before marriage. This is why I always wait for women to get married before I sleep with them.

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. ...

Insanity Does Not Run In My Family

It Strolls Through Taking Its Time Getting To Know Everyone Personally.

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

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A Jew family is fixing their roof.

Father: "Son go ask our neighbor Jacob for his hammer please."

So the son goes to Jacob's house and asks for it.

Jacob: "No way, it's brand new and you're going to waste it. Go ask someone else."

The son goes back to his father and delivers the news.

Father: "Jesus, he wo...

A British man visits a small American family farm... [Long]

And he's impressed at just how much food the farmer is able to grow on his small plot. "This is most impressive!" he says. "It seems like more than one family could eat, old boy! How do you deal with the excess?"

The farmer, a man of few words, replies: "We eat what we can, and what we can't,...

After a family dinner full of fun, my wife sarcastically complimented me that I have become a true master at dad jokes...

... to which I responded, “ I guess I’m officially a groan man.”

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A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

I was in the gym with my personal trainer. He asked me if my family had any experience with exercise.

I said, "My father has a really impressive bench."

"Oh does he?" he asked. "I might have to see it some day."

He was quite surprised when I led him to the park.

Waitress: "Wow, you eat really fast!" Me: "Yeah, I come from a big family."

Waitress: "Oh yeah? How many siblings do you have?"

Me: "None. My parents are just super fat."

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Is your family tree a cactus?

Cause your a fucking prick

The Schitt Family

Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schit...

Did you hear about the boy that electrocuted his family?

Everyone was shocked

One of my family photo dropped under a women's feet while sitting on a bus. When I asked her politely, I was shocked she slapped me.

I asked her, "Could you lift up your leg? I need to take a picture under your skirt".

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Our whole family is really worried about my grandfather’s Viagra addiction.

Grandma is taking it particularly hard.

One night, a burglar breaks into the home of a devoted Christian family.

He is merrily rummaging around, looking for stuff to steal, when out of nowhere, he hears a voice:

"Jesus is watching you."

He is startled for a moment but eventually shrugs it off. Just as he is about to put a golden necklace in his backpack, he hears the voice again:

"Jesus is...

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It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions

Like the Smith family were blacksmiths


and the Bowman family were archers


and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail

Just saw a coke can get crushed in front of his family

Soda pressing....

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A teacher gave her class

of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market ...

Give a man a fish and he'll feed his family for a day

Teach a man to fish...and over the course of the next few years more and more pieces of fishing equipment will disappear from your garage

All of my family are police marksmen except my grandfather, who was a bank robber.

He died recently, surrounded by his relatives.

(Credit to Milton Jones)

Why can a written quote never be in a family movie?

Because it contains textual references

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."




The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50




The ...

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Just came out to my family as sapiosexual.

Everyone’s crying. My mom’s asking me if I’ve ever really given fucking morons a chance before.

My girlfriend sits there quietly, no doubt solving complex math problems in her head for fun.

My mother asks, “So when you go out to eat, who calculates the tip? Both of you?!”

Indubi...

A man moved into the city with his family and was having trouble getting some personal space to rub one out

So finally he

Growing up, the family next door were all giants.

I always looked up to them, but for some reason they always looked down on us.

My grandfather with alzheimer died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she ...

Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you.

We keep it in the family

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So a Cherokee family and a White family pull into a restaurant..

White dad sees the Cherokee family coming up behind them and purposely let's the door close being a dick instead of holding it politely.

Cherokee dad shrugs it off and holds it for his family and follows the White family in. But upon getting to the line the Cherokee dad walks right past the ...

My son refused to join the family DJ business. But then returned 6 months later, begging for a job.

Oh, how the turntables.

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A penis has a sad life

His family is nuts. His neighbor is an ass. His best friend is a pussy and his owner beats him.

A village chief and his family.

There was a small village where everyone lived in grass huts.

In the middle of the village stood the biggest hut which belonged to the village chief and his family.

During the day, the chief sat in his throne which took up most of the space in his family's hut.

At night, the ...

A woman loses her son Eddy in a Walmart one day

She looks everywhere for him but doesn't find him. Mom loses hope and years go by. Eddy is adopted by another family and they decide they like the name Terry. So Terry grows up and one day is shopping at the same Walmart where he was lost, and passes a woman who stares at him oddly. She looks at him...

A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding...

There’s a nut in the cashew family that makes you sneeze...

They call it a blessew.

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office

... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small p...

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He resp...

There's a family of fox.

The father fox.

The mother fox.

And the baby watches.

My family celebrates Christmas religiously

Every year.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

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What do you call a girl who can run faster than her family members?

An Alabama virgin.

When I told my family I graduated from clown college…

… they all laughed at me.

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