The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type for the blood transfusion

As he was dying he kept insisting “be positive”but it’s hard without him.

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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn't family?

Arse skin for a friend.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A poor Irish family...

A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead.

"There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad...

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A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas...

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat.
Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” ...

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A big rubber dildo hits the windshield of the family car

Daughter in the back says: "what was that?"

Mother answers: "nothing sweetheart.... Just a big fat bug"

Daughter replies: "it had a huge dick though!"

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A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.

A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch.

The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, and two kids but there was an alive monkey sitting in the car.
...

I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents

One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.

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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

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A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughters innocence, the mother turns around and says “Don’t worry that was just an insect”. To which her daughter replies “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that”

A man has died, and his friends and family are gathered together in a small church for his memorial service...

As the service nears its conclusion, a man rises up from his seat on a pew in the very back row and begins to shuffle towards the pulpit, where the preacher is concluding his remarks and the widow of the deceased stands by weeping.

The man makes his way up to the very front of the congregatio...

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I think my family are a bunch of racists

I just started dating a black woman and I recently brought her to meet my family.

The kids won't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

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An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.

All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Abdullah.

"How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson.
It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Abdu...

*Introducing my girlfriend to the family*

Mom: Don't settle for this, you deserve better..

Me: But mom, I lov.....

Mom: I was talking to her.

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A dad is checking his family into a hotel

Front desk manager: “Hello sir how may I help you?”

Dad: “Yes, I’m checking in with my family so I want to be sure the porn is disabled in our room.”

Front desk manager: *visibly disgusted* “We only have regular porn available you sick fuck”

My girlfriend and her family all say I'm paranoid.

At least, I'm pretty sure that's what they're all saying behind my back, whenever I'm not around.

My three favorite things

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

What does a cactus and the Kardashian family have in common?

They're both full of pricks

A man is talking to the family doctor.

"Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to ...

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A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family

-My beloved wife

-Im here my love

-My son, are you here?

-yes father, im here

-my beautiful daughter, youre also here

-yes dad, we are all here with you

-THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE THE KITCHEN LIGHTS ON?

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A man takes his family on vacation...

He goes down to the concierge desk and informs them that he has children in his room and he would like to request the following...


"Please ensure that no long distance numbers can be called."

"Of course sir, done."

"Please ensure there are no alcoholic beverages in the min...

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(Long) As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the ...

Death in the family

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.

Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sen...

I called a Chinese friend of mine to ask how he was doing while he was visiting his family back in China.

He said he couldn’t complain.

Why do people from Alabama not have a family tree?

Because there it's called a family ladder.

Man : 'It is really difficult to raise a family.'

Man : 'It is really difficult to raise a family.'

Necromancer: 'Not if they are buried close together.'

Man: 'What ? ... '

Necromancer: 'What ? ... '

Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist.

It's called Facebook.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

there once was a poor farmer family, they had only one cow.

there once was a poor farmer family, they had only one cow that provided milk, and a well behind the house.
one morning the family wakes up to find the cow dead, the whole family gets sad.
that night the farmer goes to the well and starts crying and mourning, now who would provide milk for...

No one in a family of four wants to do the dishes...

The husband asks the wife to do it; the wife tells the daughter to do it; the daughter tells the son to do it; the son doesn’t want to do it either.

When a friend came to visit, he was very surprised to see the pet dog doing the dishes.
“Wow!” he exclaimed, “I didn’t know dogs could do cho...

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...

... in another city!

The Trump Family is flying from New York to DC

Donald-"I think I'll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy"
Melania- "Why don't you throw ten $100 bills and make ten Americans happy?
Ivanka- "It will be even better if you throw one hundred $10 dollar bills and make one hundred people happy?
The pilot hears the co...

Finally got the courage to introduce my girlfriend to my family

Safe to say my wife wasn’t happy.

A small turkish family had a car accident.

18 people died.

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The family cow

A poor family had a cow. When the time came they were going to sell it and have money to prosper with. It was going to be worth a lot. But until then they replied on the milk.

One day the farmer woke up and seen the cow was mutilated. Blood and guts everywhere. He freaked out knowing that thi...

I surprised my family today and made the Christmas dinner from scratch.

They started crying.

Scratch is a stupid name for a cat anyway...

In 1590, John White traveled to Roanoke Island to discover that his entire family, wife and children, had disappeared.

Anyway, just figured out my family vacation plans

My family's last name is 'Expectation'

The entire family is currently in the hospital because of my stepdad, he started with me and said that for once in his life he'd beat all expectations

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law.

During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United ...

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My girl asked me to show more interest in her family...

...so I fucked her sister.

My family always calls me indecisive

And I can’t help wonder if they’re right.

One night my family was having dinner

We were having something Mexican but we had a box of white cheddar cheese itz, we always have some sort of chips or crackers.

My brother had a plate of just rice and he was putting the cheese itz on the rice. I was super confused until he said

“Hey Zack, have you heard in our lord and ...

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My family was coming over for dinner.

So I went to get a chicken out of the freezer when my husband walked up and scared me i turned and knocked him out with a chicken to the forehead.
.
.
.
I guess you could say he got cold-cocked

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I hate when people say, "obesity runs in my family"

Bullshit! No one runs in your family!

The police were having trouble bringing down a New York crime family...

...until a member of the family went to the police with information on their criminal activities.

The police made loads of arrests, and the confidential informant was placed into witness protection. However, a corrupt policeman revealed the identity of the informant to the family.

In o...

I tried joining the KKK, but wasn't allowed to due to my family's objections.

I was always the black sheep of the family.

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Tell me a sentence you could both say during sex and at a family dinner

How do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it?

The Baldwins are on a family holiday in Mississippi when Stephen catches Alec down by the lake, EATING his wife!

He screams in horror as Alec escapes into the lake leaving a bloody trail behind him. The other Baldwin brothers hear the commotion and sprint to the scene.

As they arrive they discover the body of Alec's dead wife, covered in bite marks and with chunks of flesh missing from her limbs.
<...

Once upon a time, there was a happy family with 3 kids: Snowflake, Sandgrain, and Brick

One day, Snowflake went up to his mother and asked:

“Mommy! Why is my name Snowflake?”

“Well you see, when you were born, a little snowflake landed on your head. So we decided to name you after it.” She replied.

A couple days later, Sandgrain went up to his mother and asked:
...

All my other family members are wealthy and successful. In order to stand out, I decided to become a panhandler instead.

I beg to differ.

I needed glasses to see my family.

Two glasses of scotch. To be precise.

Post Malone and his family went out for dinner, while his sister was the only person left in the house. When they came back, they found out the neighbours had started referring to her as a promiscuous woman.

After all, she was Ho Malone.

It's not a good idea to use Roman numerals when talking to family members

I got grounded for a month for saying "wow, you're 40 now?" to my aunt.

A man takes his family to the courtyard to see a beheading

He arrives, but no one is one the stage besides the guards. A half hour later, the headsman arrived on the stage.

“I’m terribly sorry about the wait. I hope it didn’t cause any of you to lose your heads,” the headsman says, and chuckles a little to himself at his joke.
The beheading proc...

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business.

He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life.

One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few y...

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A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

A family of carrots, Mama Carrot, Daddy Carrot, and Baby Carrot, were walking down a road when a truck swerved and hit baby carrot.

They immediately called an ambulance and baby carrot was rushed to the hospital. As Momma Carrot and Daddy Carrot waited in anticipation, they watched as the do...

Growing up was hard for me because my family was constantly moving.

We were all in a dance group together.

When Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history...

Is it called genealogy or geology?

Today I ran out of battery on my phone and I had to spend a few hours with my family.

They seem like nice people.

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Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My family and I went to the zoo. The thing is, there was only 1 animal!

It was a shitzu

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My family found out me and my girl had period sex last night

They caught me red handed

My family issues

So I've always had a rocky relationship with my brother. But to be fair he was always a little unusual. When he was 16 he shaved his head and got tattoos all over his face. When he was 18, he legally changed his name to Radio. He got some plastic surgery done and filed his teeth and became a Kris...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My family says my morning routine is distgusting.

-Wake up
-Take a shit
-Get out of bed

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family sits at the dinner table.

Son: "Dad, I need to tell you something. I'm gay."

Dad: "..."

Other son: "Dad, I'm also gay."

Dad: "Isn't there anyone who likes girls anymore?

Daughter: "Yes, me."

My racist family

I think my family is racist beacause the other night i took my black gf home to meet my family
And the kids wouldnt speak to her and my wife to her to leave

I told a genie that for my third and final wish, I wanted my family to be happy.

And i started fading.

Why did the T-Rex family business fail?

They couldn't keep up with the orders... They were always short handed!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family is having dinner at the table one evening, when the son asks the father, "Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?" The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering...

"Well, my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions."

The son is confused and asks, "Onions?"

The fathe...

I’ve written a sitcom about a family who sell Islamic headdresses.

It’s called Bob’s Burqas.

Disappointed by my family tree

Turns out it is a cactus, there's a prick on every branch.

"dad, why all of our family look ugly?"

"I'm your mom"

A concerned mother checks her son into a mental hospital after he traded the family cow for some “magic” beans.

“Ma’am” the doctor said with a look of sympathy “I’m afraid your son has a strong case of schizophrenia.”

“Oh good lord, I knew there was something wrong when he insisted those beans were magic” the mother said wiping a tear from her eye.

“Well no it’s not that, the beans are actually ...

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Having pictures of your family as your wallpaper is great.

But it gets awkward when you close pornhub and they're the first thing you see.

We don’t do reverse cowgirl down here in the south

Never turn your back on family

I phoned my daughter, "Where are you? You should have been here an hour ago for our family dinner."

She said, "I'm with my boyfriend getting ready. We're almost finished."

"Thank goodness, I never liked him anyway."

My family has always been in medicine. My mom is a psychiatrist and my dad is a gastroenterologist.

They specialize in odds and ends.

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A Japanese Boy Is Playing His NES With His Family

The Grandfather says " I used to play Nintendo cards in the 1930's"
The Father said " I used to play with Nintendo toys in the 1960's"
The Uncle said " I used to have sex in Nintendo love hotels in the 1970's"

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim.

Once, a family was having a child but the pregnancy was looking grim. The doctors thought the child wouldn’t make it, but miraculously, it survived and was born normally. In recognition of this miracle, the parents named their child “Life”. Now, Life had a beautiful first year alive, laughing and sm...

Why do children of recovering alcoholics have such big family reunions?

They have twelve-step-parents.

A family of moles lived on a farm.

One morning, they wake up to the smell of fresh hot pancakes. The papa mole sticks his head up out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The mama mole sticks her head up out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The baby mole tries to stick his head up out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the o...

I told friends and family that i will never vaccinate my kids...

I'll let the doctor do it.

Our family couldn’t decide whether to have Grandma buried or cremated...

So in the end we just let her live.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What was the headline when a former Ghostbuster’s family dug a really long ditch in his home country?

A Dan, A Clan, A Canal, Canada

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A young family moves into a house next to a vacant lot

One day a construction crew turned up to build a new house on the empty lot. Soon the family’s five year old daughter took an interest in what the construction crew was doing and started hanging around them, well soon they adopted her as their mascot of sorts and let her sit with them during their c...

A family goes to the beach...

They had their kid with them and being curious he notices ladies with the different breast sizes and what not and asks. "Mom, dad, how come some are small like mommy's and others are really big?" The father, to make his wife feel a bit better goes "the bigger they are the dumber the person is son".....

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Paris, 1940: A nazi squad enter into an apartment and begin to search for the hidden family.

The soldiers manage to find the dad, the mom and the son, but the daughter remains unfound.

The nazi officer suddenly hears a cough under the children's bed.

He looks under and find the little girl.

With a smile on his face, he tand his hand to help her come out the bedframe....

Everyone in my family was a police officer, except for my grandad, who was a bank robber

He died last week

surrounded by his family

As a vegan eating with the German side of my family at Christmas can be tough. I'm too scared to tell them I am vegan so I explained that I had a crippling phobia of meat.

I feared the wurst.

A poor man is about to marry into a rich family

The father of the bride-to-be asks the poor man: “how will you provide for my daughter?”

The poor man replies: “God will provide”

The father of the bride thinks that the poor man is at least religious and will treat his daughter well.

During the wedding practice the father of th...

My teacher found out a family member of mine had passed away

To show his respect, he marked all my work with an F

The 41st US president hired a barber for his family

His job was to trim the bushes

I come from a mixed race family

My mum prefers the 100 metres, my dad is all about the relay.

What is the only black thing in a redneck family?

The bruises on the wife

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A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in

“Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his peni...

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"I'll bring your family back to life if you can fuck me 5 times without dying."

There's this farmer, his wife, daughter, and three sons. The farmer walks out one day and finds his only cow dead on the ground. "Shit! That was the only cow we had, how will I feed my family?" and he blows his brains out with a shotgun. The wife comes out to investigate the gunshot, finds her husba...