A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases..."

"...In her 20's, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom...

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business. He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life...

One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 10 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.

A ...

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble..

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving with $600, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to bu...

In the family

A husband confesses to his wife that he was unfaithful 21years ago, and as a result has a son. The wife forgives him. 9month later the wife is heavily pregnant and the husband wants to introduce his son to his wife.
The wife agrees and a date is set. On the morning arranged and as the father and ...

A family is at the zoo with their young son

They’re walking into the elephant exhibit and the dad steps away to go get some popcorn. As the son is looking at the elephants, he turns to his mother and asks

“Mom, what’s that hanging down between the elephants legs?”

“Oh that’s his trunk sweetie, it’s kind of like their nose”
...

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

My family members are like good memes...

They’re all dead

The Ungent family owns a successful soap business

They recently created a brand new soap to release to their customers, and all things went well until it became time to name their soap.

“It should be named after the scent,” one declared.

“No, no, no,” another corrected, “it has to be after our family name.”

“Why can’t we just c...

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner. She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I earn that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs, "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"

Grandma giggles, "You two are both spoiled brats! Back in the 1950s, we took $5 for a blowey and we were glad to get it!"

They all turn to grea...

My family treats me like a God

They forget that I exist unless they want something

Want to follow social distancing guidelines but still meet with your friends and family?

Just gather in groups of three, as there will be 6 feet between all of you :)

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

I just bought a mentos 24 pack for my family.

Best trade ever.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon"

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale,

"Good morning, Ma'am", he s...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

My entire family urged me to get an abortion but my grandparents supported my decision.

They are great grandparents.

Snoop Dogg and his family break into a house.

They find some nice stuff, including a large flatscreen television, expensive paintings, and countless autographed baseballs signed by any MLB player you could name. Before they can steal anything, the police came and arrested them.

They are in a prison and they are being held at $200,000 bai...

Alcoholics don't run in my family

They stumble around and break stuff

A Danish family are having lunch.

The youngest person, a 3 year-old, eats all his food and then says "I am finish!", as he couldn't talk properly.



His mum replies >!How dare you! We are Danish, not Finnish!!<

I told a joke about carbon monoxide poisoning to my family.

They said it was very tasteless.

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The day before our family holiday my little brother locked himself in his bedroom.

I was worried, so I asked him what he was doing.



He said, "I'm packing."



"Fuck off," I replied. "It's only about four inches."

Alabama family reunions

It has been reported that COVID-19 has greatly reduced family reunions due to social distancing requirements. Evidently this has caused a significant decrease in Alabama teen pregnancy.

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An old Jewish man is on his deathbed surrounded by his loving family

"Is my son here?" he asks. "Yes, I'm here dad."

"Is my daughter here?" he asks. "Yes dad, I'm here."

"Is my wife here? Is my brother here? Are all my grandchildren here?" They all answer, "Yes."

The old man frowns and says, "Then why the fuck are the lights on in the kitchen!"

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard.

Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds an...

A family goes overseas on a camping holiday

The 2 kids become friendly with a wild skunk. Over the course of the holiday they build up the skunks trust and they are able to handle it, pet it, feed it and play with it. They love the skunk and the skunk loves them.

On the last day of the holiday, the family is packing up their camp site ...

The best thing about quarantine is that it's brought my family closer.

Now we sit around the dinner table and say, "I already know what you've done today"

I think my family is racist

I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend

My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things

At a family get together I asked my 14 year old nephew, " Ryan did you blow bubbles when you were growing up?"

"No"

"Well he's in town and he said he was looking for you".

My family tells "guy with no arms and no legs" jokes all the time. Know any?

A few to get started:

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in front of your door? Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in shallow water? Wade

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the open ocean? Bob

What do you call a guy with no a...

A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home.

The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window. After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Then she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses again rush back to put her upright. This goes on all day. The ne...

I once lived just a stone’s throw away from a family

Who all died of mysterieus head injuries

I nudged a girl and now her family is suing me

Cruises aren't all the fun they used to be

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A family were...

A family were driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield.

Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, dear. That was just a bumblebee."

"Wow," the boy replies. "I'm surprised it could...

A Thai family moves to China to evade poverty in Thailand

The father and son find a job in a manufacturing plant. The days are long, the work gruesome, their clothes dirty and torn. The pay is low, but just enough to provide their family with food and shelter.

A few years pass, and the son, now 20, became really skilled. He has a good relationship ...

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[Introducing My girlfriend to my family]

Me: This is my girlfriend Janine

Janine: Hi

Wife: What the fuck

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

There was a family of beet farmers

Their farm has been in the family for years and the father had all the intentions to keep it that way. His son, on the other hand, did not. This was a common argument between the two of them until, one day, the son had had enough.

So, in the middle of the night, he stole his dad’s Kia Soul an...

What does a drunk driver and a family of six in a minivan have in common?

They were both smashed that night.

It’s sad how a family can be torn apart

by something as simple as a pack of feral hogs.

I grew up in a family of potters.

I told my dad "I don't want to make pots anymore, I want to make baskets" and he was furious - he was going to kick me out.

He said "go. Weave."

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The family history of Jack Schitt

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" So, I just researched about his family history for y'all.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Sch...

I told my family a Coronavirus joke...

...my grandparents were the only ones who got it.

What do you call a family of jedi?

A force kin

My family has been telling me to get glasses.

But I don't see why

How do you make any bag of chips into a family size

Give it to an orphan!

My family loves to have dance parties.

My dad will play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect.
Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing!
It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since th...

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A family was having dinner when the topic of sex came up.

Teenage son: I know sex feels good for both people but does it feel better for the man or woman?

Mom replies: What feels better, an itchy ear or your pinky finger?

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I didn't realize how racist my family was until I brought my black girlfriend home for Thanksgiving dinner

My wife and kids HATED her!

A man is driving the car with his family in it

He gets bored and begins going faster and faster. His wife taps on his shoulder and says:

"Can you please slow down, you are going too fast"

The man responds:

"Don't worry, God will keep us safe"

And he speeds up even more. After a few seconds his kids tap on his shoulder...

All my friends, family and psychiatrists tell me my fear of Jewish people is irrational and provably false

But i assure you, my fear israel

My mom just posted in our family group: "It's our fat ones birthday today!"

She is referring to our cat.

10 minutes later, I get a message from my dad: "Happy birthday kid."

When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be

"You guys want to see a dead body?"

What do you call it when an orphan takes a family photo?

A selfie.

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

With the increasing popularity of the big box stores, small family-owned stores were really struggling in the small town where I grew up. To fight back against the completion, three of them decided to merge.

Aikenhead's Hardware, Stroker Autoparts, and Beaver Lumber got together to make Stroker-Aiken-Beaver. The grand opening was spectacular, everybody came.

My family is worried about how we'll survive Trump's 2nd term...

...I reassured them that the 2nd term will be manageable, I'm worried about how we'll survive the 3rd.

My family did a poll: Should we get grandmother a large deer?

In the end it was a unannymoose decision

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Some last names originate from what the family did in the past...

Makes you wonder about the Dickinsons...

What do you call a family member with bipolar that stays still?

A Manic Kin

The problem isn't that obesity runs in your family.

It's that nobody runs in your family.

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House...

Trump’s being driven through a backroad out to the White House one night when suddenly, the car lurches to a halt.

The driver explains that a pig from a nearby farm wandered onto the road and he hit it.
Trump is a bit annoyed, but tells the driver, "Just go to their house, tell them you're...

Someone came to the door asking if I’ve considered selling elevators to my friends and family.

I’m so sick of Multi Level Marketing.

My family and I put my grandma in a retirement home

Because we didn't know what to do with her body

My girlfriend and I played footsie at the family table and I climaxed.

Turns out it was her grandmother. Guess I got off on the wrong foot.

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To everyone who wished they could spend more time at home with family...

thanks a lot, asshole!

Happy Family

Dad: I'm divorcing your mom

Son: Hi Divorcing your mom, I'm Son

Dad: No you're not, thats why I'm divorcing her

I told my family I was going to be on TV tonight

So we gathered in the living room and my wife, son, and young daughter were horrified to see me on “To Catch a Predator ”.

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

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[NSFW] A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.

A man buys a new motorcycle on the day he is to visit his girlfriend’s family for the first time.

After handing his the keys, the sales man hands him a jar of Vaseline and says “if you want to keep the fender looking shiny you will want to rub some Vaseline on the fenders before it rains. It’...

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Three families are driving along a mountain road, all collide and die in a wreck of twisted metal and fire. (Long)

All of them end up in a line standing before St. Peter and the pearly gates.

St. Peter motions the first head of the family forward. "What have you done to deserve to get into heaven?"

The man dressed in a business suit said, "My family never wanted for anything and I provided whateve...

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My dad used to bugger me nightly. He knew I hated it, but said it was a family tradition.

Sometimes I wish we weren't Dickensons.

Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on your own family.


Thank you guys for gold and silver! :)

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A family were having dinner...

All of a sudden, the 5yo daughter says:

"grandpa is going to die"

Nobody takes her seriously, and they go to bed. In the middle of the night, the hospital calls to tell the father that his own father died. Strange coincidence.

The next day, the family is having dinner again, an...

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.



At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gent...

I was so fortunate that a Muslim family was able to take me in when Social Isolation when into effect.

Now I am in Quran-tine.

FARM AND FAMILY

A man and his wife were taking an afternoon drive through the countryside. They had just had a big argument and were not talking to one another. Finally the husband decided to break the silence and say something sarcastic to his wife: “Look at all the cows and pigs in the pasture. Don’t they remind ...

Every day for the past few months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.

He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.

My sister had really loud shoes that sounded like a horse, so some family members started calling her that. I could see this was upsetting her.

"Guys, we have have to settle this," I said.

"If you think Jessica's a normal girl, say 'Aye,' but if you don't, say 'Neigh.'"

You're on your death bed and You're known as a practical joker in the family. What do you say as your last joke with your dying breath?

The cornyer the better!!

A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years lat...

My family told me I have a drug problem..

No, I don't have a problem with drugs? I love drugs!

Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him “How come there’s no charge?”

He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Livery”

A Korean man is wanted for questioning after his wife was found dead in their family home.

He is the Seoul suspect.

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What does The Internet and my family have in common

They can’t take a fucking joke

What happened when the entire family got food poisoning?

Baby shart, do do do do

Mommy shart, do do do do

Daddy shart, do do do do...

My friends and family swear I’m addicted to cocaine, but I’m not.

I just like the smell.

My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child...

I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

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What’s the difference between 69 and family reunion?

You only see one asshole in 69

REQUEST: Looking for those story jokes where you get the listener emotionally attached/involved before revealing knockout punchlines, to cheer up quarantined family friends

You know the ones I mean, guys. Let’s have it!

Family Therapy

The guys comes home very happy, goes to his parents and announces:

\- 'Mom, dad I finally found the girl I want to marry'

Mom: - 'That's a great news, who is she?'

\- 'She is the girl from the next block. They live on the fourth floor. You know her'

Mom: "Yes, she's a pe...

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

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There's a family with a little boy driving down the road behind a garbage truck.

While they are driving, a dildo flies out of the garbage truck and hits the families windshield. In an effort to save their sons innocence, the mom goes, "Wow that was a huge BUG". The son replies, " Damn how does a bug fly with a cock that big?".

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A family councilor was having a group discussion with several parents and their children.

Councilor: You, parents, have named your kids after something you greatly value.

Parent 1: Oh, so I named my daughter Shelby because I like cars?

Councilor: Yes, that's the right idea.

Parent 2: And I named my girl Ruby because I love jewelry!

Councilor: That's correct....

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Scientists confirmed West Virginia has zero cases of COVID-19

This was due to the fact that one family was immune to the strain.

Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends & family?

She got involved with Alderaan people.

A kid from Alabama had to do a project on his family tree

He brought a ladder to school the next day

I just told my family about my secret life as a pastor...

They know about my altar ego.

Did you hear about the family of chickpeas that were killed while eating dinner last night?

It was ruled a hummicide.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

A boy is praying with his family

A boy is praying with his family and at the end of the prayer he says goodnight mum, goodnight dad, goodnight grandma, goodbye grandpa. His mum asked why he said goodbye and he says it just felt right. The next day grandpa passes away.

A few months later he is praying with his family agains ...

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A family walks into a hotel...

The father goes to the front desk and says:
"I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy at the desk replies:
"It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

My family is full of neatfreaks

They have their entire wardrobe planned out for the week.

They even labled their underwear "Monday", "Tuesday", "Wednesday", etc.

I decided I wanna do this too to try to be a little neater so I started labeling my underwear, too

Right now, I'm wearing February

I told my friends about the guy who ended up electrocuting his entire family

Everyone was shocked

A lawyer is dieing in hospital and his family visits him...

...and find him sitting in bed, reading the Bible.
"Ah" said his daughter "You're getting spiritual comfort"
"No", said the lawyer, "I'm looking for loopholes"

My family was so poor, we lived in a toadstool.

There wasn't mushroom, but it was home.

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I was checking into a hotel with my family and given that my sons are in their teens...

I murmured to the receptionist: "Is the porn channel disabled?"

"No," she snarled, "it's the regular kind, you sick fuck!"

During a high school visit to France, I stayed with a French family.

One night, I was unsure what the meat on my dinner plate was, so I pointed to it and asked in my best 11th-grade French: “Qui est-ce?” The family’s expressions told me I needed some tutoring. Instead of asking “What is it?” as I had intended, I’d asked “Who is it?”

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