A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes ...

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW.. Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
...

A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.

He said he'd be right back

Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

My father always told me "If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"

I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.

Father: Son you were adopted

Son: I knew it I want to meet my real parents

Father: We are your real parents your new ones are coming in 20 minutes

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black boy walks into the kitchen...

...where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends...

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said,

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

Why are catholic priests called father?

because "daddy" would be too suspicious

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

As long as I live I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me...

GODDAMMIT BOY BE CAREFUL THAT THING’S LOADED!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked. "They’re mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on t...

Four expectant fathers.

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room,   while their wives were in labour.

The nurse tells the first man,   "Congratulations!   You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence!   I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns and t...

It's like what my late father used to always say

"Stop telling people I died!"

A single father needed breast milk for his infant baby and so he asked others how he could get it.

A colleague of his who was lactating offered to give her milk to the baby.

She became his breast friend.

Why are mechanics absent fathers?

Because they nut and bolt

Remember, because of synonyms, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned"...

...and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.

A boy asks his father, “dad, what is an alcoholic?”

To what the father responded, “d'you see those four trees over there? An alcoholic sees eight.”
Then the boy said, “but dad, there are only two!”

My father told me a million times...

never to exaggerate.

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"


The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like t...

Mothers have Mothers day, father's have Father's day, couples have Valentine's day

and I have Palm Sunday.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fathers child just came home from school, his dad said “what did you learn today?” The son replied “We learned two words hypothetically and realistically but I’m not sure what they mean.” He said “go ask your mom and sister if they would sleep with a man for a million dollars.” They both said yes.

His Father said, “Hypothetically we have two million dollars, realistically we live with 2 whores.“

I never wanted to believe that my father stole from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

What is Minnie Mouse's father's name?

Massive Mouse

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why weren't the American father and his son allowed in Japan?

Because the last time Japan had a fat man and a little boy, things didn't end well.

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.”...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father whale and a son whale are swimming in the ocean.

Son looks at dad and asks,

“Dad? Where do I come from?”

Father replies, “My penis, son.”

“Oh. OK. Thanks.”

“You’re Whalecum, son.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy killed a butterfly.

His dad looked at him disappointed and said,
"Son, because you killed that butterfly you won't get butter for a week."

A month later he killed a honeybee, his dad looked at him and said,
"Son, because you killed that honeybee you won't get honey for a week."

The boy looks at hi...

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The daughter replied.....

Thanks for the Baghdad

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

A young boy asks his father

A young boy asks his dad: "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their fingers aren't green?"

Dad replies: "It's just a saying son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing something they say they have been caught red handed, even though their hands are actually black."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It already wasn't easy to accept that my father is gay. But it was even more difficult when I eventually discovered that...

...my other father is too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher in a 3rd grade class asked her students what their fathers did for a living.

She got all kinds of answers: doctors, engineers, bus drivers. Finally little Billy stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whore house."

"What?!" the teacher exclaimed.

Billy repeated himself, "My dad is a piano player in a whore house."

The teacher was utterly ince...

Altar boy goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm su...

A FATHER'S LAST REQUEST

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is lost in the woods, but finds a cabin next to a small ravine

He knocks on the door and an old Chinese man answers. He asks if he could possibly stay the night, and the Chinese man says he can "But..." he warns "My daughter is very beautiful, and if you lay a finger on her I will inflict upon you the worst three tortures China has ever produced."

The ma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

A father is washing the car with his son

After a moment the son asks his father: "do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

One father says to his son:

+ Son, everything that the light touches will be yours.
- But father I am blind
+ And I’m poor

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father is concerned about his son being 25 and still being a virgin

"Son, take this Walkie Talkie, go to the bar and find a pretty girl. Once you do, tell me and I will give you further instructions"

The son does as his father commands and finds a pretty girl in the bar

"Dad, I found a very pretty girl, what do I do now? "

"Sit next to her and ...

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 12 year old boy goes into the confession box and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies angrily, "You better not be cheating on me, you little bastard!"

How come Kendall & Kylie never see their Father?

Because he’s trans-parent!

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy asks his father, “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”

Caught off guard, the father clears his throat and replies, “Well that depends son, are you asking about before or after sex?”

“Before, I guess,” the boy responds.

“Like a beautiful rose whose petals are tightly woven together holding onto a few drops of morning dew.”

There’s a ...

A Father is Talking to His Son

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks grandpa"

"Why are you calling me grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday"

Boy complains to his father:You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks to impress the girls at the swimming pool but you forgot to mention on thing.

Dad: Really,what??

Boy: You forgot to tell me that the potato should go at the front.

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

"Bad news son, the price of Vodka has risen", said the father. "Does that mean that you will drink less", asks the son.

"No, you will eat less."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mormon family is checking into a hotel. The father says, “I hope the porn in this room is disabled.”

“No it’s just regular, you weirdo.”

A father and his young son are walking deep in the woods at night with a lantern and a shovel

The son says, "Dad it's creepy out here, I'm scared"

The father replies, "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In a small parish church, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest, Father Michael.

Father Michael asked the janitor, "Could you hop into the confessional and listen to confessions for me, just for a few minutes? I really have to go to the bathroom, and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance...so whatever she...

Father :"Son, your mother and I have decided it's time to tell you you're adopted."

Son: "That's OK father! I will always love you and mom neither what!"

Father: "That's good son. Now pack your bags your new parents will pick you up in one hour."

my father was a podiatrist.

lady: you’re just like your dad
me: yeah i followed in his footsteps.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Father: Son if you masturbate too much you'll go blind.

Son: Dad, I'm over here.

Father & Son

A father sends his kid to bed.

Five minutes later, the boy screams:

Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"

​

The dad says:

"No. You had your chance."

​

A minute later the boy screams:

"Dad! Can you get me a glass of water...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for ...

A teenage boy goes to confession. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I’ve had premarital intercourse.”

The priest says “My son, who was the young lady? Was it Mary O’Toole?”

“I won’t say her name. I don’t want her to get in trouble.”

“Was it Jane Thompson? Laura Smith?”

“Father, I’m not saying who it was.”

He exits the confessional and his friend asks “What’d you get?”
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bobby had sex with a teacher.

Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today."
Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home."
When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes ...

It's innapropriate to make dad jokes if you're not a father

It's a faux pa

I lost my father to smoking. If I could back in time I’d stop him from taking up the habit.

Then he wouldn’t have needed to go out for a pack of smokes and never come back.

My father has the heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

This father has always been disappointed by his son...

One day he sees his son watching tv and asks him

"Son, how old are you?"

"I'm 5 Dad!" says his son, joyful

To which the father angrily replies "Me, at your age, I was 6!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. [long]

He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the f...

My name is Afterhim because my father was a big fan of Rocky Balboa

So he decided to name me after him

My son just became a father for the first time today and in passing on the paternal torch, when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him…

…they were stored in my dadabase.

I grilled some steak for my father-in-law. After taking a bite, he said, “I like mine well done.”

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

A teenage boy and a teenage girl are in a relationship, and it was going rather smoothly. . .

. . . The girl asked eventually told the boy that if he would come over for dinner, meet her parents, and make a good impression, that she would reward him by making whoopee with him.

He was pretty excited for the first time, so, being a responsible young man, he immediately went down to his...

When I was a boy, my father told me never to ask a lady her age.

But the judge didn't see it that way.

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out

A Jewish father was very troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his rabbi about it.

“Rabbi, I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah and it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week, he’s decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When he turned 13, little Johhny asked his father if he would buy him a new bicycle................ *NSFW*

The father smirked at little Johnny and said to the young man "Well, I don't know son. Does your dick reach your asshole?"
Bewildered, Johnny went to the bathroom to check; coming out with a sad look on his face sobbing "No sir".
"Well, there's your answer son. No, I will not buy you a new bic...

My father was the best at russian roulette...

He only lost once!

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

A father walks in on her daughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber.

"Gross" he says, "I was gonna eat it. Now it will taste like cucumber."

What did the father cow say to his daughter, when she came home late yet again?

You are an UDDER disappointment to this family young lady!

(I hit the spoiler on my last post, so just decided to remake it, sorry for the double post).

A father decides to commit a crime

But before he can do it he must get a disguise, so he heads on down to a halloween shop and buys a pirate disguise.
Now that he has a disguise he went to go commit the crime. After the crime was done he escaped home, but as he was removing said disguise his son walked in
“Father you look like ...

I asked my dying father if he could pay for his expensive gravestone in advance before he died.

He replied, "Over my dead body."

A German father and his son walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says to the father: "Well, I'm definitely not going to serve your Kind in here."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A child asks his father what the difference between "in theory" and "in practice" is.

The father responds by saying "go ask your mother, sister, and grandmother if they would sleep with a man for 1 million dollars."

The child asks his mom who says yes, his sister who says yes, and his grandmother who says yes.

The child returns to his father and says "all three agreed t...

I still remember my fathers last words...

“Stop shaking the ladder, dammit!”

He was a wonderful man.

Do you know how Kim Jong Un’s father died?

He was very il

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?...

What does a baby computer call its father?

data

A cannibal father and son

A cannibal father & son

A cannibal father and son were out looking for food in a local park.
A obese guy comes by and the son ask “dad should we eat him,” father answers “no my son, he have to much fat, we’ll get to tired for days”.

A little while later a skinny man comes by a...

Whats the difference between my father and a magician

The magician reappears

My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

My mom said that my dad told too many puns and dad jokes. She said “you have your fathers genes”

I said his jeans are too big for me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dads of Reddit: Happy Father's Day...

YOU MOTHER FUCKERS

"Like father like son" is a nice saying.

Unless your old man tells you while you're adopting a kid.

I’m grateful for my father ...

He alway kept me fed, he always kept a roof over my head, and he always used a soft-sole shoe when he beat me.

A good man.

One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"

The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."

The husband says "Who is his father?"

The wife says **"You are."**

My father says he works with a guy who has a mushroom growing out of his head

I've never met him but he sounds like a fungi

What do you call it when 10 fathers start telling jokes?

Pun in ten dad.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father having trouble in bed

A father is in for his daily check up, and the doctor comes back to him saying

“Everything seems to be good, anything troubling you?”

The father replies,”Well.... you see recently me and the wife have been having some trouble when we try to get it on, mostly it me not being able to kee...

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business.

He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life.

One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My father taught me to be reserved and respectful, he said “Son, no one likes a cocky asshole”

“Well, except for uncle Brian and the guy from the hair salon”

My father never hit me but when I was bad he would take off his belt...

And then he would take off his pants. Needless to say, I didn't like the way I was reared.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes in to a catholic church to confess his sins but Father is still sleeping up stairs half drunk so one of the altar boys tries taking the confession instead

but soon this altar boy is put in a situation where he does not know what to do.

"Euh, excuses me for one sec. I will be right back to let you know what the proper penance is for that sin"

"Psssht, hey danny. Danny!"

"Yeah"

"What does Father give for masturbation?"
...

A child asks his investor father “Dad, for my birthday, I’d really like a Bitcoin”

He replies “$4,000? What on earth do you need $15,000 for? Don’t you know how much $2,000 is?”

Fallout 3: "Where's my father?" Fallout 4: "Where's my son?"

Fallout 76: "Where's my refund?"