My father told me that I'm in the 1%

He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes ...

I, being an Irish Catholic, decided it was time to cleanse my soul.

I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside, I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array...

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"

The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”

​

The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”

​

While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a bu...

What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke.

He said he'd be right back

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.

​

“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.

​

“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies...

A son asks his father: What do we call a person who speaks two languages?

Father: A Bilingual

Son: Then what if a person speaks three languages?

Father: A Trilingual

Son: And what of those who speak only one language?

Father: An American

"Mom, I'm dating a man."

"Whom, sweetheart?"

"Mike the mailman."

"Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!"

"But mom, age is just a number."

"Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says...

Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy ask his father "what's the difference between theory and reality?"

Well son go ask your mother if she would sleep with a stranger for 1 million dollars.
So the boy ask the mother "mom would you sleep with a stranger for 1 million dollars?" The mom says "well I guess I would son." The boy goes back to his dad and tells him what she said his father says "now go ...

What did the Chinese father say to his son when he got under 85% in his test?

You are Asian! NOT B-SIAN!

(I’m not racist... I swear)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies, "Yes, father. I used the "F-word" over the weekend."

The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."

The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-wo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW.. Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
...

My father and I were leaving our hotel in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.

I said, "Don't forget your Baghdad".

(Hopefully it isn't a repost)

My father always told me "If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"

I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.

Father: Son, you're adopted.

Son: I knew it! So who are my real parents?

Father: We are your real parents. Your new ones will be here in 5 mins.

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

A jewish boy asks his father "can i have 50 dollars?"

Dad: 40 dollars? What do you need 30 dollars for? I got 20, here's 10, gimme back 5.

My father is a magician.

He can turn all his money into alcohol.

What do you call a zombie father?

The Walking Dad

As long as I live I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me...

GODDAMMIT BOY BE CAREFUL THAT THING’S LOADED!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.

J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!”

P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven”

The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy asks his father, "Dad, what's the difference between potential and realistic?"

A boy asks his father, "Dad, what's the difference between potential and realistic?"

The father says, "Well, son, it's easier for me to show you with an example. Why don't you ask your brother, your sister and your mom the same question, and then come back with what you've learned."

"O...

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My father caught me jerking off to porn. Shocked, he took off his belt

pulled down his pants, and he joined.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young Indian boy and his father are sitting in a teepee. The child asks his father,”Father, how did you decide what to name me and my brothers?”

His father replies,”Well son, as soon as you are born, I hold you in my arms and we walk outside to show you our land. When your eldest brother was born, I see a majestic soaring eagle, so I name him ‘Soaring Eagle’. I took your second brother and we saw a herd of bison, hence the name ‘Brave Bison’...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black boy walks into the kitchen...

...where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I’m a white boy!” His Daddy bends...

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

Went to ask my girlfriends father for permission to marry

He said: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"

I replied: "Hi leaving I'm John!"

The wedding is next month

My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together.

Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking

There was a father mole, a mother mole, and a baby mole that lived in a hole out in the country not far from a farmhouse.

One morning, the father mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I think I smell sausage cooking!”

The mother mole pushed the father mole aside, poked her head outside the hole, and said, “Mmmm, I think I smell pancakes!”

The baby mole tried to push aside the two bigger mol...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his eighty-four-year-old father.

While there he notices the nurse hand his father a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra pill. The man asks the nurse, “Why are you doing that? At his age, what will either do for him?”

​

“The hot chocolate,” the nurse explains, “will help him fall asleep faster.”

&#x...

Passing through his son’s college town late one night, a father decides to drop in and pay his kid a visit.

The father knocks on the fraternity house door. No one answers. He knocks louder, but still no answer. He begins to bang angrily on the door. Finally, a head pops out of a window on the second floor. “You need something, pal?” a frat brother asks from the window.

​

“Yes, doe...

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said,

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." ...

What did the new born baby say to it's father when he entered the room?

Thank you for coming

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a chlamydia-infected photographer whose father has the runs?

A snap-happy clappy chappie with a crappy pappy.

My father uses Reddit

I guess it's heredditary

A father and son are out for a walk

The son says, “Dad, today at school I heard someone say that their dad was an alcoholic, what’s an alcoholic?”

The dad replied, “Well an alcoholic is someone who is addicted to drinking alcohol and getting drunk.”

The son said, “What’s it like being drunk, is it fun?”

The dad ...

Remember, because of synonyms, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned"...

...and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

My hot ex from high school messaged me saying she’ll be in town for a day, but it just so happens to be on my fathers birthday.

So now I have to choose between the person I lost my virginity to, or my ex-girlfriend.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father watched his young daughter as she played in the garden. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she stopped and stared at the ground. The father went over to her to see what had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?" she asked. "They’re mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"


The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never
seen anything like t...

Why are catholic priests called father?

because "daddy" would be too suspicious

So this father and son go hunting for an Easter Goose for the family...

They're up early and in their favorite blind by sun up. Coffee, hot. Rifles, loaded. Air, crisp. It doesn't take long before a flock heads their way and they shoot down a fair sized bird and collect it, then bring it home to the Wife and Daughter for cleaning and preparation. All goes well and the G...

My father is schizophrenic...

,,,but he’s good people

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

Four expectant fathers.

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room,   while their wives were in labour.

The nurse tells the first man,   "Congratulations!   You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence!   I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns and t...

Billy's father picked him up from school.

He was anxious to find out about Billy's tryout for the school play.

Billy told him, "Dad, I got a part! I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son," said his dad. "Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll give you a speaking part."

My father-in-law asked me what I plan on doing over the weekend.

Apparently ”your daughter” isn’t right correct answer.

It's like what my late father used to always say

"Stop telling people I died!"

A single father needed breast milk for his infant baby and so he asked others how he could get it.

A colleague of his who was lactating offered to give her milk to the baby.

She became his breast friend.

Why are mechanics absent fathers?

Because they nut and bolt

A girl returns from US to see her father in India.

Being from a poor village, it was a big deal for the father seeing their daughter who became a successful nurse in the states.

The girl had brought some presents for her father, which included a cool looking boxer.
The people in the village were accustomed to wearing a lungi ( a large clo...

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

​

“Who?” the son asks.

​

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.

As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the m...

Mothers have Mothers day, father's have Father's day, couples have Valentine's day

and I have Palm Sunday.

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Father: "Son, if you masturbate too much, you'll go blind."

Son: "I'm over here dad."

Four expectant fathers pace back and forth in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor.

The nurse enters and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins!”

​

“What a coincidence,” the man says. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”

​

A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, “You are the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A son comes out as bisexual to his father.

A son comes out as bisexual to his father and asks if his father will still accept him. The father says yes of course he will.

A few months later the son fails his driving test and asks if his father will accept him. At that age the father used to cycle to school because he had failed it many...

I never wanted to believe that my father stole from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

My father told me a million times...

never to exaggerate.

A kid and his father enters a restaurant

The kid says to the waiter: Hey daddy!

The waiter laughes it off and leaves.

The father says to the son: Hey, i’m your daddy.

Then the kid says: But mom always screams Yes daddy! When he is in her room!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My father gave me money to pay the electricity bill...

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand n...

A boy asks his father, “dad, what is an alcoholic?”

To what the father responded, “d'you see those four trees over there? An alcoholic sees eight.”
Then the boy said, “but dad, there are only two!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m a father of four and I spent the whole week child-proofing my house...

But for the little bastards keep getting in.

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The daughter replied.....

Thanks for the Baghdad

A worried father calls the family doctor because he thinks his teen son has caught a venereal disease.

“I think he got it from the maid,” says the concerned dad, “and I’ve also been sleeping with the maid.”

​

“Okay,” the doctor replies calmly. “Well, when you bring him into the office we’ll take a look at you as well.”

​

“And that’s not all,” the fath...

The doctor hands a new father his baby and says to him, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it".

The man hands back the baby to the doctor and says, "go get the one my wife made".

A father of a 12-year old said

When I was your age...I used to be 12...

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

My father was a lot like a Time Lord...

He was played by several different men

I showed a high effort meme I made the other day to my father.

He responded with "High effort, I'm dad!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fathers child just came home from school, his dad said “what did you learn today?” The son replied “We learned two words hypothetically and realistically but I’m not sure what they mean.” He said “go ask your mom and sister if they would sleep with a man for a million dollars.” They both said yes.

His Father said, “Hypothetically we have two million dollars, realistically we live with 2 whores.“

“How did the car end up in the living room?” a furious father asks his son.

“Simple,” the boy replies. “I made a right at the kitchen.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.

“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.”

“Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.”

“Will that cleanse my sin from me?”

“No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”

Altar boy goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm su...

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, “So, you were at school today, right?” Son: “Yeah.” Detector: “Beep.“ Son: “OK, OK, I was in a cinema.” Detector: “Beep.” Son: “Alright, I went for a beer with my friends.” Father: “What?! At your age, I wouldn’t touch alcohol!“ Detector: “Beep.”...

My father has a serious problem with ladders.

He just gets high all day...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why weren't the American father and his son allowed in Japan?

Because the last time Japan had a fat man and a little boy, things didn't end well.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little boy killed a butterfly.

His dad looked at him disappointed and said,
"Son, because you killed that butterfly you won't get butter for a week."

A month later he killed a honeybee, his dad looked at him and said,
"Son, because you killed that honeybee you won't get honey for a week."

The boy looks at hi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father was about to tell his ten year old son about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know”, said the son.

“Why?” said the father.

“Because when I was seven you told me there was no tooth fairy, when I was eight you told me there was no Easter bunny and when I was nine you told me there was no Santa Claus. If you’re about to tell me grown ups don’t actu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father whale and a son whale are swimming in the ocean.

Son looks at dad and asks,

“Dad? Where do I come from?”

Father replies, “My penis, son.”

“Oh. OK. Thanks.”

“You’re Whalecum, son.”

What is Minnie Mouse's father's name?

Massive Mouse

In medieval times, there is a young boy who lives with his mother and has never met his father.

In medieval times, there is a young boy who lives with his mother and has never met his father. One day, he says to his mother:

Son: Mom, did my father have a genetic disorder that causes him to have a lump on his back

Mother: Why would you think that?

Son: I just have a hunch.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is lost in the woods, but finds a cabin next to a small ravine

He knocks on the door and an old Chinese man answers. He asks if he could possibly stay the night, and the Chinese man says he can "But..." he warns "My daughter is very beautiful, and if you lay a finger on her I will inflict upon you the worst three tortures China has ever produced."

The ma...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher in a 3rd grade class asked her students what their fathers did for a living.

She got all kinds of answers: doctors, engineers, bus drivers. Finally little Billy stood up and said, "My dad is a piano player in a whore house."

"What?!" the teacher exclaimed.

Billy repeated himself, "My dad is a piano player in a whore house."

The teacher was utterly ince...

Do you know who my father is?

A threat from a rich white kid.

​

A question from a poor black one.

“You should be ashamed,” a father tells his young son. “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.”

“Really?” the son responds.
“Well, when he was your age, he was president.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It already wasn't easy to accept that my father is gay. But it was even more difficult when I eventually discovered that...

...my other father is too.

A FATHER'S LAST REQUEST

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my ...

"I'd like to have a toast" said the father-in-law at his daughters wedding

"Add some jam on it," he continued

A frantic father calls the family doctor on the phone.

“Doc, you’ve got to come quick! My three-year-old son just swallowed all of my golf tees.”

​

“All right, stay calm,” the doctor tells the father. “I’ll be over in ten minutes.”

​

“What should I do in the meantime?” the father asks.

&#x200B...

Father Dave took a seat on the A train in NYC...

and was disgusted to see a drunk sitting across from him. The disheveled smelly man was wearing a t-shirt with a photo of a naked lady on it and he reeked of alcohol. The drunk stared at the priest for a few minutes and then blurted out "Father, what causes migraines and kidney stones?" THe priest g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father is concerned about his son being 25 and still being a virgin

"Son, take this Walkie Talkie, go to the bar and find a pretty girl. Once you do, tell me and I will give you further instructions"

The son does as his father commands and finds a pretty girl in the bar

"Dad, I found a very pretty girl, what do I do now? "

"Sit next to her and ...

A father is washing the car with his son

After a moment the son asks his father: "do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

A young boy asks his father

A young boy asks his dad: "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs when their fingers aren't green?"

Dad replies: "It's just a saying son. It's like when somebody is caught stealing something they say they have been caught red handed, even though their hands are actually black."

A Father is Talking to His Son

"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee, thanks grandpa"

"Why are you calling me grandpa?"

"Because I couldn't find it yesterday"

One father says to his son:

+ Son, everything that the light touches will be yours.
- But father I am blind
+ And I’m poor

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

How come Kendall & Kylie never see their Father?

Because he’s trans-parent!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 12 year old boy goes into the confession box and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies angrily, "You better not be cheating on me, you little bastard!"

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar, how much money would you have?"

"One dollar." answered little Johnny.

"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.

Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my father"

Father :"Son, your mother and I have decided it's time to tell you you're adopted."

Son: "That's OK father! I will always love you and mom neither what!"

Father: "That's good son. Now pack your bags your new parents will pick you up in one hour."

Where did the father candle take his son for a trip?

To the Wax Museum.

What do you call a fish that's never met its father?

A basstard

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy asks his father, “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”

Caught off guard, the father clears his throat and replies, “Well that depends son, are you asking about before or after sex?”

“Before, I guess,” the boy responds.

“Like a beautiful rose whose petals are tightly woven together holding onto a few drops of morning dew.”

There’s a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for ...

A teenage boy goes to confession. “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I’ve had premarital intercourse.”

The priest says “My son, who was the young lady? Was it Mary O’Toole?”

“I won’t say her name. I don’t want her to get in trouble.”

“Was it Jane Thompson? Laura Smith?”

“Father, I’m not saying who it was.”

He exits the confessional and his friend asks “What’d you get?”
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bobby had sex with a teacher.

Little Bobby came home from school and proudly announced to his Mom, " I had sex with a teacher today."
Mom's infuriated. "Boy, get your ass up to your bedroom. Your father can take care of this when he gets home."
When Dad arrives, Mom explains the situation, and Dad, feigning anger, rushes ...

Boy complains to his father:You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks to impress the girls at the swimming pool but you forgot to mention on thing.

Dad: Really,what??

Boy: You forgot to tell me that the potato should go at the front.