UPJOKE
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I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning

She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

So I’ve been trying to get my niece to call me her favorite uncle

Every time I visit my brothers house, I say hi to everyone and when I get to my niece I always say “who’s your favorite uncle?” And then point to myself.

It took a while but it finally paid off.

Today when I visited, I said “who’s your favorite uncle?” And with biggest grin on her fa...

I asked my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper, she laughed at me and said "oh uncle , you're so old. Just use my phone"

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill the fly.

From my niece, who doesn't know why grownups are laughing at her joke...

All of Snow White's seven dwarfs were in a hot tub, feeling happy.

So Happy got out.

She's six. Don't know where she heard this.

My niece just showed me a picture of her new girlfriend dressed in hockey gear, pads, mask and all

I said "She looks like a keeper"

Buying a Barbie doll for my niece at a toy store

I asked the salesperson if Barbie came with Ken. She replied" Oh no. Barbie dates Ken. She comes with G.I. Joe."

My niece told me this joke: What's the difference between Chanukah and a dragon?

Chanukah is always eight nights.

A dragon sometimes ate knights.

I took my 8 year old niece to the zoo last week...

..we were walking around the various cages and enclosures when all of a sudden she yells, “Look Uncle John! It's a frickin' Elephant!”
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked.
“It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” ...

Why did Jesus’s nieces and nephews hate his wife?

Because she was the Aunty Christ.

I must congratulate my Niece.

She has just passed he mouth Organ test.


Well done our Monica.....

As a non-English speaker, this is how I remember the difference between niece & nephew.

A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doc: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you

Woman : Oh no! Not my brother! He'...

My niece calls me Ankle…

… I call her my knees. We are a joint-family.

Did you hear of the Ukrainian soldier who didn’t want to fight, but, when called upon to do so, defended the lives of his wife’s mom, her dad, her sister, her two brothers, her nieces and her nephews, and others who hadn’t been born yet - all with the help of a shoulder-fired missile?

He loves his NLAWs.

My 11 year old niece came up with this one:

What is a priests favorite fruit ?
Cant-elope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The box of condoms

Young couple finishes having sex when the female rolls over and looks at the box of condoms sitting on the nights stand, and notices that there are only six left out of the original dozen

She says,

\- ”We only used one. What happened to the other 5 condoms?”

The young man thinks...

I bought my niece some fancy new graphite shoes;

but she won't wear them because she's trying to decrease her carbon footprint.

I hear that women that have nieces and nephews do better with covid.

They have more aunty bodies!!!!

Joke told by my 8 years old niece: At what time do most people go to the dentist?

Tooth hurty

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So my niece ask me where babies come from, I told her that they come from the stork

She then looked at me puzzled and asked, "who fucked the stork."

My 11 year old Niece told me this joke today.

A dad is driving his three kids to school. The first kid asks, "Dad, why did you call me blossom?" The dad answered, "when you were born and we left the hospital, a leaf fell from a blossom tree. So we called you blossom."

The second kid then asks, "why did you call me Daisy?" The dad answere...

It was my nieces birthday so I asked her mother what present I should get her. She said ‘you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff’.

So I got her a bag of peas.

My 4 year old nieces jokes:

Why did the lobster flush?
Because the sea weed.

Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the salad dressing.

What did the little flower say to the big flower?
Hi ya bud.

Knock knock.
Whose there?
Ice cream .
Ice cream who?
Ice cream so you can hear...

From my niece

A guy walks into a bar and sees a man with a big orange head. He asks the bartender about it and he gives him a drink to bring to the guy and says to ask the guy, which he does.

The guy thanks him and says: I bet you're wondering about my big orange head. Well one day I was having a terrible ...

My niece Sarah is obsessed with Frozen

My wife just said to me, "Sarah is a grown woman now. It's time for her to... let it go."

True story from 5 minutes ago. I laughed. Wanted to share it.

My niece asked me what Cu.M. stands for

It took me 2 minutes to understand it was Cubic Meter and not something I was thinking.

How ironic. My wife's niece got pregnant...

on a pull-out sofa.

I was teaching political correctness to my niece and I said, "Ok let's say there's someone named Michael or Mike for short, and if Mike delivers mail, he's a Mail-man. Similarly if there's someone named Jennifer who's doing the same job what would you call her?"

"Jenny"

My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke.

Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!

Joke from my 10 year old niece. What do you call a sleeping T-Rex

A dinosnore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My niece’s joke...

First she told us the old, “why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he was feeling crumby”

Being encouraged by the pity laugh from everyone, she made up this little gem:

Why did the unicorn go to the hospital? Because he was feeling horny!

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

My nieces asked me to kill a wasp for them...

I told the that that's a feature of "Uncle Premium" and their attitudes only get them the basic subscription!

So my niece asked me if they have to swim to get in the Navy.

I couldn't figure it out, but I guessed she thought about it after my nephew declared that he was going into the Marines and stole her crayons.

An Alabama man kills his wife, sister, mother, niece, daughter, and aunt.

How many people die?

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A Man walks into a bar and Orders 3 shots of Whisky, The Bartender asks "What’s got you down" The man says “I just found out my Niece is gay.” The next day he orders 4 shots of Whisky The Bartender asks “What’s got you down now?”

The man says "I just found out my son is gay." The next day he orders 6 shots of whisky The Bartender says "Got anybody who likes Women?" The man says “My wife does.”

From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?”

Chicken sees a salad.

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We thought Johnny was a good uncle, then he fucked his niece.

Now, he’s a great uncle

My anti-vax sister wouldn’t let me take my niece trick-or-treating, even though she had the perfect Halloween costume.

Stupid cemetery rules.

What’s worse? Banging your cousin or your niece?

It’s all relative

(This is tru) yesterday, I was with my niece, and she came round the corner on her bike with stabilisers, ‘look dad, no hands’, ‘that’s coz you have 4 wheels millie’ said her dad, ‘and you’re always scared when I go no hands’ and then he said:

‘I have 4 wheels in my car too’

A man from Alabama goes out to dinner...

He takes his wife, mother, aunt, grandmother, sister and niece.

They walk in and they walk up to the hostess station.

The hostess goes, "Hi, y'all. Will it just be the two of you tonight?"

What do you call an immunologist that has a niece?

Auntie Jen

I tried to teach my niece about octothorpes

I made a hash of it.

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A wife screams at her husband

Wife: "How could you screw me over like this?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my Niece, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The...

I have been playing this interesting game with my niece recently.

And you just lost it too.

My 6 year old Niece told me this: What do you call a tooth that has been mashed?

Toothpaste

I found a way around the Chai niece sense or ship

[Not removed]

My eight year old niece told me this. I think it's pretty funny!

An elephant is passing by an apple tree, and he spots a monkey up there. He asks the monkey,

"Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?"

*"I'm gonna eat bananas now."*

"Stupid monkey, you are sitting on an apple tree!"

*"Stupid elephant, I got bananas in my pocket."*

My niece did nothing with her life.

She just sat in her womb all day.

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What did Hitler get his niece for her birthday?

An easy bake oven.

Joke From My Niece

Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Her: To get to the ugly guy's house.
Me:???
Her: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: It's the chicken!

My niece is a sophomore at West Point. She's already had five majors,

and three Captains and two Lieutenants.

I took my niece to the zoo the other day...

The only animal there was a small, scruffy looking dog.

I called the zookeeper over.

"What's with the scruffy old dog? Why is that the only animal?"

"It's a Shih-Tzu"

I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book.

She laughed and called me an antique, then proceeded to give me her phone.

Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

My nieces joke

I was telling my little niece some jokes, and she loved them and started making up her own, but she doesn't quite understand how jokes work yet.
Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: I don't know, why DID the chicken cross the road?
Her: LIGHT BULB!

My niece stabbed me with a red crayon today...

It drew blood

My 5-year-old niece's twist on an old pirate joke

**Question:** Why did the pirate have trouble with the alphabet?

**Answer:** Because his 'I' was all jacked up.

*...she cracks me up*

Joke by my 6 year old niece

6: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me:I don't know why?
6: He didnt, he got hit by a truck!

Still gets me 13 years later.

My six year old niece made up this joke. I think she may be a comedic prodigy.

Why did the sweater go to boot camp?


To warm up!

i kiss my niece on her cheek

I lovingly gave my niece a kiss on her cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together. Afterwards, I noticed her wiping her cheek. “Are you wiping off my kiss?”, I asked her. “No”, she smartly replied, “I’m just rubbing it in!”

My nieces are darlings...

My nieces are darlings said Sid.

I'm obliged to do whatever they bid.

As I tucked them in bed,

I asked "What's to be read?"

"Uncle Remus!" they cried, so I did.

My sister and her husband just split up, so I got my 8 year old niece the new "Divorce Barbie"

She comes with half of Ken's stuff.

The music teacher at the school my niece goes to was out sick 2 days last week. The school had a dog fill in for her.

He was a sub woofer.

My 6 year old niece told me this one.

What do you call an alligator who likes to wear vests?

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

An investigator

I think my niece has a burgeoning slip 'n slide addiction

Once you go down one, it's just a slippery slope.

A concerned citizen sees a distraught woman wandering around desperately calling out for someone she had become separated from...

Ever vigilant, the concerned citizen offers his help and asks what the lost individual looks like, and the woman describes a young girl who looks a little like her.

They decide to split up to cover more ground, and after a while the concern citizen sees a girl who matches the description. "De...

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

You'll get jurasskicked!

*Sorry if its lame but my niece just told it and i fell laughing*

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I...

Why didn't the soldier flush the toilet?

It wasn't his duty.

(Sorry, this was my niece's favorite joke for years)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My niece was born with no eyelids, bless her heart, but the doctors were able to replace them with surgically removed foreskin...

Only side effect is she's a little cock-eyed now.

What’s a cats favorite color?

Purrrple!


(Told by my 5yo niece.)

Why did the kangaroo cross the road?

It was hopping mad!

*My 5 year old niece made this up. I don't get it. She's been repeating it and giggling the whole day. I have to pretend to understand it.*

[OC] I'm gonna name my daughter Vaccine...

That way she will have to explain to her nieces and nephews why she is Auntie Vax.

What do you call your sibling’s daughter that lives in Alaska?

Brrr-niece

What did the celery say to the carrot?

You've got a point.


Credit to my niece

What did a frog say to the other frog on the internet ?

Reddit

Credit: My 10 yr old Niece.

Man walks into a pub **very poor taste joke***

Man walks into a pub and as he sits at the bar he notices the man next to him has a dog

"that's a nice dog mate" he says

"Yeah says the bloke it's a mongel"

Sorry mate don't you mean mongrel?

Two minutes later the dog jumps up at the bar

and the man says

"D...

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My old Gramps used to say "If you've got a screwdriver set, an adjustable spanner and a soldering iron you can fix anything!"





Senile old cunt, I've just made a right fucking mess of my niece's poorly gerbil.

My uncle told me I'm the favorite daughter of his brother

which is niece

My niece wouldn't eat the beef tongue because it came out of the mouth of an animal.

I then prepared her an egg...

My five year old niece told me this one... What do you call a 60 foot platypus?

A platybus!

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It’s pretty time consuming.


Credit: My 5 year old niece.

What kind of table is good for your health?

A vegetable!

This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece!

It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me.

What did the Minion do to make himself more like his dad?

He Gru!

Credit to my niece who told me this while I was home visiting

A mother of twins went into labour and passed out.

A mother of twins went into labour and passed out. She woke up hours later to find her (not so bright) sister carrying her twins. Nervously the new mother asked her sister whether the children has been named. To which the sister replied yes. The new mother shocked and scared then asked the sister wh...

My long-distance Chinese girlfriend ghosted me.

The last thing I said to her was that I was going to watch Winnie The Pooh with my 4 year old niece...

A redneck couple gets pregnant, what will they have?

Either a niece or a nephew.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the forgetful idiot's house.

*Knock knock

Who is there?

The forgetful idiot. Sorry i forgot where my house is, can you help me?

-credit to my 10 year old niece

After his rich uncle's death, he was very anxious about his uncle fortune.

"Am I mentioned in the will?" he asked repeatedly.

"Of course you are," replied the solicitor.

Right here in the second page your uncle says:

"To my niece Sally, I bequeath $123,000; to my cousin Thomas, $55,000; and to my nephew Ricky, who was always asking too know if he's me...

What is Mario's favorite state?

Luigiana


(My niece told me this joke last night)

My asian aunt's quiet daughter

is called Nosai Hai.

I think thats a great shy niece name.

Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because it wasn't peeling well.



credit to my 5 y/o niece.

Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows?

They've really been making headlines.

-courtesy of my 8 year old niece.

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My father in the delivery room: 1973

My younger brother was born a few hours prior to this so dad and his buddies are clamoring around the hospital drinking, celebrating and smoking cigars - in the hospital, it was 1973 after all

They manage to find their way to the nursery and look in at the babies cooing at them as each one is...

I used to be an Uncle like you...

...Until I took an arrow to the niece.

Why do sea gulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be called bagels (bay-gulls)

Courtesy of my seven year old niece

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Southern ball in need of two male guests.

A lady of the plantation in a southern state was holding a ball in her wonderful country house. With most of the local well-to-do's attending and a great portion of her extended family (those who she did invite, of course) coming as well, she found herself with a problem.


Her two nieces w...

Captain America and Peggy Carter finally share a kiss...

Peggy Carter: "That was good."

Steve Rogers: "Your niece thought so too!"

Having a baby girl? You should name her Artica.

It's awesome because all her nieces and nephews will have an Aunt Artica.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does the Autocorrect of an Alabama man word it when the man wants to demonstrate his happiness about something?

Fucking Niece

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A great storm is brewing....

I was at my neice's pool party last Saturday. She got an inflatable dolphin for her birthday. We were all having a great time, when the wind started blowing a bit harder and some clouds rolled in. Over the next 10 minutes it just started getting windier and windier and the skies turned dark. In the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A special day in February

I asked my 10 year old niece what special day is coming up in February.

"President's Day."

"What does President's Day mean?" I expected her to tell me something about Obama or Bush or Clinton.

Instead, she says, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House...

I phoned in sick today

"Exactly how sick are you?"
"Well, I'm in bed with my 12 year old niece."

Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?

Cause she was too big for B- shells!

(my 6 year old niece likes to tell this joke)

The Dog Pound

Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep."

The German Shepher...

What do you call a big pile of kittens?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

A Meowtin.



/told by my 7 year old niece this morning. I lol'ed pretty hard.

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The Monastery

An old monk is recounting his life to his nieces and nephews who lived in a small, rural town. The area around was hilly, and at the bottom of a nearby valley, there was a large, ornate monastery.

"Uncle, why did you become a monk?" the youngest asked

"One day, I was riding my bicycle ...

There's a long funeral service in Nuevo Laredo

Now, I don't know if you know Nuevo Laredo. It's a Mexican border town, just across the Rio Grande from Laredo, TX. There's lots of American expats on the south side of the border and a lot of Mexican expats on the north side of the border, and large extended families spread their tendrils regardles...

A Wife goes to her husband for help

She asks him what she needs to do to inform her very sensitive niece that she is getting fat without hurting her feelings. So the husband says we should go to the store and get a talking scale so that it can inform her on how big she is getting without out it coming from her. So they go to the store...

What did the head say to the brush?

Comb over hair.

My thanks to my niece who made this up. She is seven. Pretty good imo.

Why did 2pac go to the gym?

So he could become 8pac.


To clarify, my 11 year old niece told me this. Thought this sub needed to lighten up a bit.

Why did the elephant paint itself lots of different colors.

So that it could hide in the crayon box. Courtesy of my 4 y/o niece.

What do you call a disembodied nose?

Nobody nose.

My 8-year-old niece claims she made this up. I have my doubts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They should make Star Trek toilet paper...

...so you can help wipe Klingons off Uranus.

(been a while since this one's been around. Just heard it again today from my 5 year old niece)

Aunt Bessie figures it all out...

Aunt Bessie loves to meet and pamper her nieces and nephews, but she is limited only to her city, as she has a severe fear of flying. *"Who knows! Someone may be carrying a bomb!"*. Her relatives try and try to convince her how safe it is to fly nowadays, but 'she ain't gonna listen to nobody!'
<...

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxi cabs!

Got this from a joke book my niece got for Christmas. Most of them were groaners but this one actually made me laugh!

Pink Fluff...

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink Fluff

What's Blue and Fluffy?
Pink Fluff holding it's breath.

(My niece told me this)

What is the difference between dragons and dinosaurs?

Dinosaurs aren't old enough to smoke. Told to me by my niece at christmas.

Kids' joke- What do you call a cut on a T-Rex's foot?

A Dino Sore.

I made this joke up in response to my niece's own joke of: "What do you call a pregnant dinosaur? A Preg-osaurous." Like Stegosaurus... pretty smart.

A guy phones his boss to tell him he won't be at work...

"Sorry boss, I can't make it to work today. I'm sick."

His boss asks, "Exactly how sick are you?"

"Well, I got out of bed with my 12 year old niece to make this call."

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