I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning

She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

My niece asked me what Cu.M. stands for

It took me 2 minutes to understand it was Cubic Meter and not something I was thinking.

So I’ve been trying to get my niece to call me her favorite uncle

Every time I visit my brothers house, I say hi to everyone and when I get to my niece I always say “who’s your favorite uncle?” And then point to myself.

It took a while but it finally paid off.

Today when I visited, I said “who’s your favorite uncle?” And with biggest grin on her fa...

My 11 year old Niece told me this joke today.

A dad is driving his three kids to school. The first kid asks, "Dad, why did you call me blossom?" The dad answered, "when you were born and we left the hospital, a leaf fell from a blossom tree. So we called you blossom."

The second kid then asks, "why did you call me Daisy?" The dad answere...

I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phonebook

She laughed and called me an antique, Then proceded to gave me her phone.Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

My little niece told me this joke: Why do chickens have legs?

So people can eat drumsticks

(This is tru) yesterday, I was with my niece, and she came round the corner on her bike with stabilisers, ‘look dad, no hands’, ‘that’s coz you have 4 wheels millie’ said her dad, ‘and you’re always scared when I go no hands’ and then he said:

‘I have 4 wheels in my car too’

As a non-English speaker, this is how I remember the difference between niece & nephew.

A woman who's 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma.

6 months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby.

Doc: You actually had twins, a boy and a girl, and they're both fine. Luckily, we had your brother name the children for you

Woman : Oh no! Not my brother! He'...

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A Man walks into a bar and Orders 3 shots of Whisky, The Bartender asks "What’s got you down" The man says “I just found out my Niece is gay.” The next day he orders 4 shots of Whisky The Bartender asks “What’s got you down now?”

The man says "I just found out my son is gay." The next day he orders 6 shots of whisky The Bartender says "Got anybody who likes Women?" The man says “My wife does.”

An Alabama man kills his wife, sister, mother, niece, daughter, and aunt.

How many people die?

How ironic. My wife's niece got pregnant...

on a pull-out sofa.

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We thought Johnny was a good uncle, then he fucked his niece.

Now, he’s a great uncle

I have been playing this interesting game with my niece recently.

And you just lost it too.

What’s worse? Banging your cousin or your niece?

It’s all relative

My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me.

**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"

**Me:** "No."

**Her:** "I'll teach you one."


"Knock! Knock!"

**Me:** "Who's there?"

**Her:** "Ash."


"Now ask, Ash: who?"

**Me:** "Ash: who?"

**Her:** "Please cover your ...

Joke from my 10 year old niece. What do you call a sleeping T-Rex

A dinosnore

So my niece asked me if they have to swim to get in the Navy.

I couldn't figure it out, but I guessed she thought about it after my nephew declared that he was going into the Marines and stole her crayons.

I tried to teach my niece about octothorpes

I made a hash of it.

My niece Sarah is obsessed with Frozen

My wife just said to me, "Sarah is a grown woman now. It's time for her to... let it go."

True story from 5 minutes ago. I laughed. Wanted to share it.

My 6 year old Niece told me this: What do you call a tooth that has been mashed?

Toothpaste

My nieces asked me to kill a wasp for them...

I told the that that's a feature of "Uncle Premium" and their attitudes only get them the basic subscription!

Man walks into a pub **very poor taste joke***

Man walks into a pub and as he sits at the bar he notices the man next to him has a dog

"that's a nice dog mate" he says

"Yeah says the bloke it's a mongel"

Sorry mate don't you mean mongrel?

Two minutes later the dog jumps up at the bar

and the man says

"D...

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My niece’s joke...

First she told us the old, “why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he was feeling crumby”

Being encouraged by the pity laugh from everyone, she made up this little gem:

Why did the unicorn go to the hospital? Because he was feeling horny!

What did the Minion do to make himself more like his dad?

He Gru!

Credit to my niece who told me this while I was home visiting

My niece was upset when I told her that she's benign. She told me that she was actually ten and that I had terrible grammar.

I told her I meant no harm.

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My old Gramps used to say "If you've got a screwdriver set, an adjustable spanner and a soldering iron you can fix anything!"





Senile old cunt, I've just made a right fucking mess of my niece's poorly gerbil.

I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.

I think I have telekinieces.

I found a way around the Chai niece sense or ship

[Not removed]

My niece did nothing with her life.

She just sat in her womb all day.

A redneck couple gets pregnant, what will they have?

Either a niece or a nephew.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

My niece stabbed me with a red crayon today...

It drew blood

From my 9 year old niece...”What is it called when a chicken is staring at a salad?”

Chicken sees a salad.

My anti-vax sister wouldn’t let me take my niece trick-or-treating, even though she had the perfect Halloween costume.

Stupid cemetery rules.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the forgetful idiot's house.

*Knock knock

Who is there?

The forgetful idiot. Sorry i forgot where my house is, can you help me?

-credit to my 10 year old niece

My 4 year old niece's unintentional dirty joke.

Why did the fan blow itself? Because it was turned on!

I took my niece to the zoo the other day...

The only animal there was a small, scruffy looking dog.

I called the zookeeper over.

"What's with the scruffy old dog? Why is that the only animal?"

"It's a Shih-Tzu"

My nieces are darlings...

My nieces are darlings said Sid.

I'm obliged to do whatever they bid.

As I tucked them in bed,

I asked "What's to be read?"

"Uncle Remus!" they cried, so I did.

My niece is a sophomore at West Point. She's already had five majors,

and three Captains and two Lieutenants.

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What did Hitler get his niece for her birthday?

An easy bake oven.

A joke from my 4 year old niece.

Why did the snowman go to the doctor?

Because he lost his balls

My eight year old niece told me this. I think it's pretty funny!

An elephant is passing by an apple tree, and he spots a monkey up there. He asks the monkey,

"Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?"

*"I'm gonna eat bananas now."*

"Stupid monkey, you are sitting on an apple tree!"

*"Stupid elephant, I got bananas in my pocket."*

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A wife screams at her husband

Wife: "How could you screw me over like this?!"

Husband : "what did I do?"

Wife: " You slept with my Niece, you bastard!"

Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?"

Wife: "The...

My niece calls me ankle...

I call here knees

We are a joint family!

My 5-year-old niece's twist on an old pirate joke

**Question:** Why did the pirate have trouble with the alphabet?

**Answer:** Because his 'I' was all jacked up.

*...she cracks me up*

Joke by my 6 year old niece

6: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me:I don't know why?
6: He didnt, he got hit by a truck!

Still gets me 13 years later.

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My dicks like a pickle

Its bumpy

Has a sour taste

And my niece always takes it out of the burger

My nieces joke

I was telling my little niece some jokes, and she loved them and started making up her own, but she doesn't quite understand how jokes work yet.
Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: I don't know, why DID the chicken cross the road?
Her: LIGHT BULB!

The music teacher at the school my niece goes to was out sick 2 days last week. The school had a dog fill in for her.

He was a sub woofer.

i kiss my niece on her cheek

I lovingly gave my niece a kiss on her cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together. Afterwards, I noticed her wiping her cheek. “Are you wiping off my kiss?”, I asked her. “No”, she smartly replied, “I’m just rubbing it in!”

My six year old niece made up this joke. I think she may be a comedic prodigy.

Why did the sweater go to boot camp?


To warm up!

My niece wouldn't eat the beef tongue because it came out of the mouth of an animal.

I then prepared her an egg...

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My niece was born with no eyelids, bless her heart, but the doctors were able to replace them with surgically removed foreskin...

Only side effect is she's a little cock-eyed now.

My five year old niece told me this one... What do you call a 60 foot platypus?

A platybus!

My sister and her husband just split up, so I got my 8 year old niece the new "Divorce Barbie"

She comes with half of Ken's stuff.

My 7 year old niece didn't realize she made a joke while playing Star Wars with me.

Me (Darth Vader): What have you done with those plans?!?
Her (Leia): It's over there in that little box.
Me: How can a disc fit in that little box?
Her: It was a floppy disc.

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

You'll get jurasskicked!

*Sorry if its lame but my niece just told it and i fell laughing*

My 6 year old niece told me this one.

What do you call an alligator who likes to wear vests?

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

An investigator

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My father in the delivery room: 1973

My younger brother was born a few hours prior to this so dad and his buddies are clamoring around the hospital drinking, celebrating and smoking cigars - in the hospital, it was 1973 after all

They manage to find their way to the nursery and look in at the babies cooing at them as each one is...

I think my niece has a burgeoning slip 'n slide addiction

Once you go down one, it's just a slippery slope.

Why didn't the soldier flush the toilet?

It wasn't his duty.

(Sorry, this was my niece's favorite joke for years)

My asian aunt's quiet daughter

is called Nosai Hai.

I think thats a great shy niece name.

What is Mario's favorite state?

Luigiana


(My niece told me this joke last night)

What do you do when you see a space man?

Park your car, man.

-my 4 year old niece

My uncle told me I'm the favorite daughter of his brother

which is niece

"Am I mentioned in the will?" the nephew asked anxiously.

"You certainly are" , replied the lawyer.

Right here in the third paragraph your uncle says:
To my niece Sarah I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars,
to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars,
and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I...

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It’s pretty time consuming.


Credit: My 5 year old niece.

My long-distance Chinese girlfriend ghosted me.

The last thing I said to her was that I was going to watch Winnie The Pooh with my 4 year old niece...

Captain America and Peggy Carter finally share a kiss...

Peggy Carter: "That was good."

Steve Rogers: "Your niece thought so too!"

Why do sea gulls live by the sea?

Because if they lived by the bay, they’d be called bagels (bay-gulls)

Courtesy of my seven year old niece

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How does the Autocorrect of an Alabama man word it when the man wants to demonstrate his happiness about something?

Fucking Niece

A mother of twins went into labour and passed out.

A mother of twins went into labour and passed out. She woke up hours later to find her (not so bright) sister carrying her twins. Nervously the new mother asked her sister whether the children has been named. To which the sister replied yes. The new mother shocked and scared then asked the sister wh...

A twist on your typical knock knock joke

My 4 YO niece told us this joke at dinner. She clearly doesn't understand the punchline.

Knock knock
Whos there?
Orange

Knock knock
Who's there?
Orange

Knock knock
Whos there?
Apple you glad I didn't say orange again!

Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows?

They've really been making headlines.

-courtesy of my 8 year old niece.

What kind of table is good for your health?

A vegetable!

This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece!

It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me.

Having a baby girl? You should name her Artica.

It's awesome because all her nieces and nephews will have an Aunt Artica.

What do you call a big pile of kittens?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

A Meowtin.



/told by my 7 year old niece this morning. I lol'ed pretty hard.

I used to be an Uncle like you...

...Until I took an arrow to the niece.

The Dog Pound

Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep."

The German Shepher...

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Southern ball in need of two male guests.

A lady of the plantation in a southern state was holding a ball in her wonderful country house. With most of the local well-to-do's attending and a great portion of her extended family (those who she did invite, of course) coming as well, she found herself with a problem.


Her two nieces w...

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The Monastery

An old monk is recounting his life to his nieces and nephews who lived in a small, rural town. The area around was hilly, and at the bottom of a nearby valley, there was a large, ornate monastery.

"Uncle, why did you become a monk?" the youngest asked

"One day, I was riding my bicycle ...

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A great storm is brewing....

I was at my neice's pool party last Saturday. She got an inflatable dolphin for her birthday. We were all having a great time, when the wind started blowing a bit harder and some clouds rolled in. Over the next 10 minutes it just started getting windier and windier and the skies turned dark. In the ...

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A special day in February

I asked my 10 year old niece what special day is coming up in February.

"President's Day."

"What does President's Day mean?" I expected her to tell me something about Obama or Bush or Clinton.

Instead, she says, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House...

I phoned in sick today

"Exactly how sick are you?"
"Well, I'm in bed with my 12 year old niece."

What did the head say to the brush?

Comb over hair.

My thanks to my niece who made this up. She is seven. Pretty good imo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Real Story: My first Dad joke

Wife had a C-section and was in recovery. I go to update my family who have been waiting for 4 hours in the waiting room. They asked how's she doing and I said that her and our baby girl are okay.

Then they asked who the baby looks more like, me or my wife.

I said,"Eh, I dunno, but...

Why did the mermaid wear sea shells?

Cause she was too big for B- shells!

(my 6 year old niece likes to tell this joke)

Aunt Bessie figures it all out...

Aunt Bessie loves to meet and pamper her nieces and nephews, but she is limited only to her city, as she has a severe fear of flying. *"Who knows! Someone may be carrying a bomb!"*. Her relatives try and try to convince her how safe it is to fly nowadays, but 'she ain't gonna listen to nobody!'
<...

Why did the elephant paint itself lots of different colors.

So that it could hide in the crayon box. Courtesy of my 4 y/o niece.

A Wife goes to her husband for help

She asks him what she needs to do to inform her very sensitive niece that she is getting fat without hurting her feelings. So the husband says we should go to the store and get a talking scale so that it can inform her on how big she is getting without out it coming from her. So they go to the store...

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They should make Star Trek toilet paper...

...so you can help wipe Klingons off Uranus.

(been a while since this one's been around. Just heard it again today from my 5 year old niece)

Mouse and elephant are on their way to the pool.

*Told* *by* *my* *adorable* *niece.*

Elephant: Bollox! I forgot my swim trunks!

Mouse: Don’t worry, I brought a spare.

What do you call a disembodied nose?

Nobody nose.

My 8-year-old niece claims she made this up. I have my doubts.

Pink Fluff...

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink Fluff

What's Blue and Fluffy?
Pink Fluff holding it's breath.

(My niece told me this)

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxi cabs!

Got this from a joke book my niece got for Christmas. Most of them were groaners but this one actually made me laugh!

What is the difference between dragons and dinosaurs?

Dinosaurs aren't old enough to smoke. Told to me by my niece at christmas.

A young girl is living with her aunt...

One night the girl is on her way out to go dancing. The aunt notices that her niece isn't wearing a bra, and her shirt is quite translucent. So the aunt stops her before she leaves the house and demands where she is going dressed like that.
"Oh Aunty," the girl replies, "I'm just letting my rose...

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