My daughter pulled this on her aunt

Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aunt: I don't know. Why?

Her: To get to the old lady's house

Aunt: ???

Her: Knock knock

Aunt: Who's there?

Her: The chicken

My aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

My aunt has three daughters

One day her three daughter run up to her mom and one of them yells
"mom!!! Why am I named rose?"
"Well sweetie, when you where born a rose pedal fell on your head"
The second daughter.
"Mommy!!!!!!!!! Why am I named violet?"
"Because when you where born a violet somehow fell on you...

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My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic....

Eaten alive by a giant ass crab

My spinster aunt thinks that statues of Jesus on the crucifix in only a loincloth is too revealing, so she has started covering them in appropriate clothing.

...aparently, she's a cross-dresser now.

An Alabama man kills his wife, sister, mother, niece, daughter, and aunt.

How many people die?

My aunt told me don’t blink because life goes by so fast

She now suffers from severe eye inflammation

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.

The only married person was Otis, & he was the town drunk.

My aunt always helps whenever I have an upset stomach.

My Aunt Acid

I suffer from depression, but my aunt, who dotes on me, always knows how to cheer me up

you could say she's the perfect auntie-dote to my misery

Why men shouldn't be Agony Aunts:

Dear Jim,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me I'm desperate!
<...

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Advice Columnist. Aka Agony Aunt.

Dear Agony Aunt, please help me.

My neighbours 20 year old daughter was sunbathing the other day. I took the chance to peek out the bathroom window and have a cheeky wank. As I finished I turned around and my wife was standing there, arms folded watching me. Is my wife a pervert?

An ant, an aunt, an antechamber, an antelope and an antenna walk into a bar.

The barman asks "what is this, an anti-joke?"

The ant replies: "no".

What does your hot aunt and hot cousin have in common?

It's pretty relative

My Cousin VS. My Aunt

My cousin is 28 and my aunt keeps pestering her about having a boyfriend because she wants grandchildren, my cousin keeps declining her because she already decided to be single for the rest of her life, this kept going on for months now and my cousin hasn't said anything until now...

Aunt: Yo...

A wife asks her husband, "If I died, do you think you would remarry?" (joke from my 79 year old great aunt)

The husband replies, "Remarry? No way! I'd be too devestated by your death, I could never replace you."

The wife insists that her husband take a new wife, "If I go before you, I would hate for you to be alone. Please tell me you'd find a new wife."

The husband promises to honor his wi...

What do you get when you drop the croissant your aunt made..

A cross aunt

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the stor...

In the 5th month of every year, my aunt let's her pigs in the field....

It's mayham!

I'm trying to get my aunt and uncle to buy a donkey...

But I don't wanna be an ass

What did aunt jemima say when she ran out of pancakes?

Oh how waffle!

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

Little Johnny is on recess playing on the playground when he see his dad drive into the woods next to the school.

Curious as to what his dad's doing, little Johnny decided to skip school to see what was going on.

When he gets to the woods he finds his dad there with his aunt Jenny. Well aunt Jenny is on her knees helping Johnny's dad relieve himself.

After school little Johnny runs home to tell ...

My aunt used to build houses for a living..

She was a carpenter aunt

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A man is taking his first ever flight

A man is taking his first ever flight and he's very excited. He's wanted to fly on a plane ever since he was a little boy. He's especially excited about the prospect of who he could be seated next to. His mind full with anticipation over the possibilities- it could be a celebrity, his favorite athle...

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My Aunt Ruth went missing

It turned out she was kidnapped and murdered before my uncle could pay the ransom. He went on a rampage, finding and slaughtering every last man who participated in kidnapping her, even going so far as to torture some of them. You could say he was.....

Ruthless

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

True Story: My Aunt Just Adopted a Deaf Pitbull and was Wondering what to call him.

I told her, "It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway."

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Little Johnny and his Aunt

Little Johnny once walked in on his Aunt while she was naked... he pointed to the patch of hair under her belly button and asked "What's That?"

His Aunt, looking just a bit embarrassed said "Well Johnny, that's where god split me with his golden ax"

To which, Johnny replied "Wow he go...

Based on my Aunt's joke

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into ...

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My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like....

“Always use very precise language or you could be misunderstood.”

I remember it vividly because we were at their farm and I was helping my uncle Jack off a horse as she was telling me that.

My Great Aunt recently passed away

Me and my mom were planning the funeral and we were decided what wood the casket should be made of... apparently mourning wood wasn’t the right answer

my aunt ruth died in a horrible explosion

they couldn't even find any body parts to put in the casket

the funeral was ruthless.

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Two kids are watching their parents get ready for a family get together…

They overhear the mom and dad talking and they hear them say “that judgy cunt and pompous asshole” while the parents are talking in their bedroom. They ask, what does judgy cunt and pompous asshole mean? The mom, surprised and unaware to their presence, says, “oh never mind that sweethearts, that’s ...

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Little Johnny is watching his dad shave one morning…

and his dad was making alot of mistakes. Suddenly his dad screams " bitches and asses!"

Johnny asks what it meant and his dad replied " aunts and uncles" Oh. next thing he hears is “dicks and pussies!” Johnny asks " what’s that mean?" To which his dad replied " uh coats and hats."

Oh...

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crosswo...

I hear they are changing the name Aunt Jemima

Not so sure "Uncle Toms" is the best replacement.

I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.



Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

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my aunt’s ex husband used to call her his "meadow muffin" and she thought it was sweet

until she found out meadow muffin is another phrase for "cow shit".

A man visits his 97 year old great aunt at the nursing home.

It’s been several months since his last visit and she was starting to show signs of senility, so when he sees her, he goes up to her and asks “Do you know who I am?”
She looks at him and replies “No, but if you ask the nurse, she’ll tell you.”

I tried to take a shower at my aunt's house

She had big lights installed in the top of her shower and it was full of plants. I had to take all the plants out to use it. When she saw me taking the plants out she said "what are you doing?! that's a *grower*, not a *shower*!!"

Quaker surprised me about how decisive they were when canceling aunt Jemima.

I expected them to waffle.

Two men are sitting next to one another on a plane...

The one guy is doing a crossword puzzle and is growing increasingly agitated.

“Need any help?”, says the guy on the aisle.

“Thanks. I need a four letter word for a female, ending in ‘unt’”.

“Aunt?”

“Wow! Thanks!”

“No problem. Anything else?”

“Um... you...

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

One day, Johnny comes home from school and asks his mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

"The stork brought you here," says the mother.

"And how were my brother Joel and my sister Emily born?"

"The stork brought them, too."

"And how were you born?"

"The stork also brought me."

"Did the stork also bring Uncle George and Aunt Ruth and Cousin Evan and Cou...

One day while returning from school a 8 year old child ...

One day while returning from school a 8 year old child met a Saint and had a conversation with him.

The Saint became so happy with the child that he gave him a magic sentence which will fulfill all his wishes.

"I know everything"

However, he warned him to not use the Sentence m...

My aunt's sign was cancer, which is funny considering how she died...

...attacked by a giant crab....

My aunt used to work as a human cannonbal.

She wasn't sure she was any good at it until she got fired.

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

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Why did Chuck Norris’ aunt give birth to him?

Because nobody dared fuck his mother

I got kicked out of my aunt's funeral for singing a song...

It was the Pink Panther theme. Dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt dead aunt dead aunt...

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

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Sorting out my shit for me! [Long]

Moe owns a bar, and he has been finding it really hard to manage the bar and take care of his personal life. Things are just piling up and getting on top of him. Recently his Aunt got divorced and so she has been sitting at the end of the bar drinking away his profits, his Rottweiler Chomper has jus...

How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt?

Meatloaf croissant

The kingdom was in shock to find out that the prince's mother was also his aunt

He was an ingrown heir

High aunt

My family have a tradition of placing bets on how high they can hoist my mother's sister each Christmas at the family get together. I keep telling them to stop as it will end in disaster but they just keep upping the ante each year...

Sorry

My aunt: what is Easter gonna be like next year

Me: How should I know I don’t have 2020 vision

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Alex? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

What is a 4 letter word that can be used to describe a particular type of woman which ends in U-N-T?

Aunt

My asian aunt's quiet daughter

is called Nosai Hai.

I think thats a great shy niece name.

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Please keep my uncle in your thoughts and prayers

We just found out he’s addicted to Viagra.

My Aunt has been taking it pretty hard.

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The Pub Game

A guy walks into a pub in the middle of the countryside and orders a pint. While the barman is pouring his drink he notices a jar behind the bar that's stuffed with cash, must be close to £5000 in there. Curious, he asks the barman, "what's this about?"

"Ah, it's a little game we got 'ere" sa...

Shamus Murphy was enjoying a pint at the bar, when he saw someone who looked very familiar

Aye! You look familiar, what is your name?

Me name is Angus Murphy.

You don't say? M'name is Shamus Murphy!

You don' say? Did you grow up in the town of Derry?

I did! Did you go to Saint Anthony's?

I did! Did you have an Aunt named Mildred?

I did! Did your f...

I hate to say my aunt was parsimonious, but . . .

when she died and went towards the light it was just to shut it off.

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Letter from Ma

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took t...

My aunt always said the slow and steady win the race

She died in a fire

A hurricane named Florence and no "Aunt Flo" jokes?

Hope there's no red tide.

My mom's sister was telling me she forgot a bunch of basic math...

Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally

Daddys car in the woods

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mo...

George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt.

This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally, it stopped.

George thought to himself, "Oh no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."

He open...

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A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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When I was a kid, my aunt told me men are a pain in the ass (OC)

Now I understand why her nickname was backdoor girl.

It’s going to snow tonight. My wife’s aunt called to tell her she might get 6-8”

I told her it depends on how easy I go on the whiskey.

I performed a magic show for my aunt who was in a coma.

Needless to say, she was speechless.

Sister told me the police were going to do a welfare check on my aunt...

Could have swore that she got those in the mail....

How do you pronounce "Aunt"?

"Ont", "Ant", or "Goldnt"?

Compassion

Sooo, my cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me ...

Joe was doing a crossword puzzle in a train car.

the guy next to him and the two women behind her were also doing the same puzzle.

once, the guy asked him "whats a word ending with *k* and means intercourse?"

he replied "talk"

behind him, the woman asked "hey you got an eraser?"



later the guy asked "you know a w...

Young Timmy asks his mother a question.

"Mummy?" begins Timmy

"Yes, Timmy?" she responds, a smile on her face.

"Why do you jump up and down on Daddy's tummy in bed at night?"

Slightly shocked, she held her composure. "Well, Timmy, it's because I'm pushing all of the air out of Daddy's tummy so that it doesn't look so ...

I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.

She's made of auntie matter.

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My Aunt turned her house into a bed & breakfast

I guess she woke up one day and thought: "not enough strangers are fucking in here"

Uncle Ben would never discourage Peter from joining the Avengers.

But his aunt May.

What did my Indian mom say to my Indian aunt just as she was at the door leaving after dinner?

they are still exchanging goodbyes

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

What do you call an angry French aunt?

A crossaunt

[Haiku] My aunt always said,

Slow and steady wins the race.

She died in a fire.



(Credit: Bob Burnham
Thanks to DiedWhileDictating for telling me about an earlier typo regarding this post)

Cakeday Joke, a day late...

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."...

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Peter Parker was at home alone one day, when suddenly aunt may walks in on him masturbating.

I guess she was the first person to see Spiderman home coming.

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My mom said she had an aunt who claimed to never poop

She must've been really full of shit

When you just found out by a coincidence you have two aunts named Lee.

A pair aunt lee just happened

Aunt Bessie figures it all out...

Aunt Bessie loves to meet and pamper her nieces and nephews, but she is limited only to her city, as she has a severe fear of flying. *"Who knows! Someone may be carrying a bomb!"*. Her relatives try and try to convince her how safe it is to fly nowadays, but 'she ain't gonna listen to nobody!'
<...

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I give you my Aunt's best joke - The Cadillac dealership

A man walks into a Cadillac dealership and begins to browse. After a few minutes, a car salesman approaches the man. "Good morning Sir, are you thinking about buying a Cadillac today?" The man pauses. "Well, I'm going to buy a Cadillac today. But I was thinking about pussy."

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should’ve custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulation...

My Aunt Mary got a job at the zoo circumcising elephants,

the pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.

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Two rednecks discussing the election

Jimmy Bob: I don't believe Biden won by those margins. I voted, my wife voted, my sister voted, my aunt voted, and my daughter voted!

Bobby Jim: Dang, and y'all still lost?

Jimmy Bob: You betcha, our two votes didn't count for shit.

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A man visits his aunt for dinner

A man visits his aunt for dinner. During dinner, the man had a large urge to fart, but he notices the aunt's dog is near him. He lets out a little gas. The aunt notices and shouts "Shoo, Dog!". The man lets out a little more gas. Again his aunt yells, "Shoo shoo Dog!". One more time, the man lets ou...

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