UPJOKE
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My daughter pulled this on her aunt

Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aunt: I don't know. Why?

Her: To get to the old lady's house

Aunt: ???

Her: Knock knock

Aunt: Who's there?

Her: The chicken

My aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

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My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic....

Eaten alive by a giant ass crab

An Alabama man kills his wife, sister, mother, niece, daughter, and aunt.

How many people die?

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

My spinster aunt thinks that statues of Jesus on the crucifix in only a loincloth is too revealing, so she has started covering them in appropriate clothing.

...aparently, she's a cross-dresser now.

My aunt told me don’t blink because life goes by so fast

She now suffers from severe eye inflammation

My aunt has three daughters

One day her three daughter run up to her mom and one of them yells
"mom!!! Why am I named rose?"
"Well sweetie, when you where born a rose pedal fell on your head"
The second daughter.
"Mommy!!!!!!!!! Why am I named violet?"
"Because when you where born a violet somehow fell on you...

How do you use medicine to assassinate an aunt?

Anti-Venom

Okay, so you want her alive, how do you just stop her fawning over you?

Anti-Dote

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?...

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

Why men shouldn't be Agony Aunts:

Dear Jim,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me I'm desperate!
<...

A wife asks her husband, "If I died, do you think you would remarry?" (joke from my 79 year old great aunt)

The husband replies, "Remarry? No way! I'd be too devestated by your death, I could never replace you."

The wife insists that her husband take a new wife, "If I go before you, I would hate for you to be alone. Please tell me you'd find a new wife."

The husband promises to honor his wi...

I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.



Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

If ant poison gets rid of your aunts, what gets rid of your uncles??

Anti-funcle cream.

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My aunt recently decided to turn her home into a bed-and-breakfast.

I guess she woke up one day and said, "Not enough strangers are fucking here."

What does a turtle call his aunt?

Tort-tia

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How Many Animals Can You Fit In a Pair of Pantyhose?

An Ass, a Pussy, two calves, ten piggies and god knows how many hares! I heard this joke from my aunt in the 70's. Wondered if it was well known.

My mother recently passed away, and my aunt and cousins are a bunch of reprobates.

Isn't that what you call them when they're trying to contest the will?

As an unmarried man, my aunts used to ask me "and, are you the next one?" at every wedding...

...that quickly stopped when I started to ask them the same question at funerals

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.

The only married person was Otis, & he was the town drunk.

Aunt Millie's secret recipe has been stolen by Sara Lee's brother.

Alleged Lee.

Aunt Agony Advice Column

Dear Aunt Agony,

I have a romantic and loyal boyfriend, who loves me dearly. He isn't rich, but works hard at his job, and is trying to save enough to buy us a house, so that we can get married.

However, recently I met this wealthy old man who was visiting our country. He said he likes...

In the 5th month of every year, my aunt let's her pigs in the field....

It's mayham!

True Story: My Aunt Just Adopted a Deaf Pitbull and was Wondering what to call him.

I told her, "It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway."

What does your hot aunt and hot cousin have in common?

It's pretty relative

My aunt used to say…

Slow and steady wins the race.

She died in a fire.

My aunt is a Jew. And a holocaust denier.

We call her Auntie Semite

My aunt's parrot can say over 30 phrases, but each one is offensive and belittling.

I say parrot, it's actually more of a mockingbird.

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.

For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.
Finally the old girl passed away.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the ...

I was admiring my aunt’s necklace when she surprised me by announcing, “I’m leaving it to you in my will.”

I was overjoyed, perhaps too much. “Oh!” I shouted. “I’m looking forward to that!”

My aunt named her son "Shine".

I didn't know why she gave him such an awkward name.

Until one day when I listened to her singing her son to sleep:

"You are my son, Shine,

My only son, Shine..."

\-----

Edit: stupid typo

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

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A boy asks his mother, "Mommy, why is my cousin named Barry?"

"Well," says the mother, "your aunt Linda named her son Barry because she likes to eat berries."

"I see," says the boy. "And why is my other cousin named Stu?"

"Well", replies the mother, "you aunt Molly named her son Stu because she likes to eat stew."

"Very interesting. Why is...

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Letter from a Polish mother to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home . . we've moved.

About your father . . . he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutti...

Who is a penguin's favorite family member?

Aunt Artica

My aunt always helps whenever I have an upset stomach.

My Aunt Acid

An ant, an aunt, an antechamber, an antelope and an antenna walk into a bar.

The barman asks "what is this, an anti-joke?"

The ant replies: "no".

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My Aunt Ruth went missing

It turned out she was kidnapped and murdered before my uncle could pay the ransom. He went on a rampage, finding and slaughtering every last man who participated in kidnapping her, even going so far as to torture some of them. You could say he was.....

Ruthless

I suffer from depression, but my aunt, who dotes on me, always knows how to cheer me up

you could say she's the perfect auntie-dote to my misery

What did aunt jemima say when she ran out of pancakes?

Oh how waffle!

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My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like....

“Always use very precise language or you could be misunderstood.”

I remember it vividly because we were at their farm and I was helping my uncle Jack off a horse as she was telling me that.

My Cousin VS. My Aunt

My cousin is 28 and my aunt keeps pestering her about having a boyfriend because she wants grandchildren, my cousin keeps declining her because she already decided to be single for the rest of her life, this kept going on for months now and my cousin hasn't said anything until now...

Aunt: Yo...

They call my aunt "The Crazy Cat Lady".

"Why? How many cats does she have?"

"None. She just goes around meowing all the time."

I tried to take a shower at my aunt's house

She had big lights installed in the top of her shower and it was full of plants. I had to take all the plants out to use it. When she saw me taking the plants out she said "what are you doing?! that's a *grower*, not a *shower*!!"

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Little Johnny and his Aunt

Little Johnny once walked in on his Aunt while she was naked... he pointed to the patch of hair under her belly button and asked "What's That?"

His Aunt, looking just a bit embarrassed said "Well Johnny, that's where god split me with his golden ax"

To which, Johnny replied "Wow he go...

Uncles hate me

Because I got aunts in my pants

Li was an elf, but instead of the normal greenish tint to her skin, she had a bit of blue to her...

"My mother is an elvish queen..." she was fond of bragging, but her mother's husband the elf lord was a green-hued elf himself, and it was often whispered that Li was a product of a youthful dalliance of her mother's. How else to explain her unusual skin tone?

One evening, while in the palace...

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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman…..

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman took their wives to play a round of golf…
The Englishman’s wife stepped up to the tee first and as she bent over to place her ball, a sudden gust of wind blew up her skirt, revealing she wasn't wearing any panties.

“Good God, my sweet pet! What e...

What do you get when you drop the croissant your aunt made..

A cross aunt

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

my aunt ruth died in a horrible explosion

they couldn't even find any body parts to put in the casket

the funeral was ruthless.

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Aunt Carol

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking ...

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little Johny is Back

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my grandpa's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinat...

My aunt used to build houses for a living..

She was a carpenter aunt

A man from Alabama goes out to dinner...

He takes his wife, mother, aunt, grandmother, sister and niece.

They walk in and they walk up to the hostess station.

The hostess goes, "Hi, y'all. Will it just be the two of you tonight?"

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The widow of the old rabbi must remarry...

The rabbi of a small village dies, and after some time the congregation decides that the widow should remarry.

Given the size of the village, there is only one possible candidate: "the butcher".

Although not very excited because she was used to living with an intellectual, the widow ac...

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Why did Chuck Norris’ aunt give birth to him?

Because nobody dared fuck his mother

I got kicked out of my aunt's funeral for singing a song...

It was the Pink Panther theme. Dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt dead aunt dead aunt...

Based on my Aunt's joke

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into ...

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I...

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my aunt’s ex husband used to call her his "meadow muffin" and she thought it was sweet

until she found out meadow muffin is another phrase for "cow shit".

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An obituary

Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.
Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.
Dozens of celebrit...

High aunt

My family have a tradition of placing bets on how high they can hoist my mother's sister each Christmas at the family get together. I keep telling them to stop as it will end in disaster but they just keep upping the ante each year...

Sorry

I hate to say my aunt was parsimonious, but . . .

when she died and went towards the light it was just to shut it off.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

My aunt: what is Easter gonna be like next year

Me: How should I know I don’t have 2020 vision

My Great Aunt recently passed away

Me and my mom were planning the funeral and we were decided what wood the casket should be made of... apparently mourning wood wasn’t the right answer

Quaker surprised me about how decisive they were when canceling aunt Jemima.

I expected them to waffle.

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Alex? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

I hear they are changing the name Aunt Jemima

Not so sure "Uncle Toms" is the best replacement.

The kingdom was in shock to find out that the prince's mother was also his aunt

He was an ingrown heir

How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt?

Meatloaf croissant

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight...

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do yo...

A man visits his 97 year old great aunt at the nursing home.

It’s been several months since his last visit and she was starting to show signs of senility, so when he sees her, he goes up to her and asks “Do you know who I am?”
She looks at him and replies “No, but if you ask the nurse, she’ll tell you.”

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When I was a kid, my aunt told me men are a pain in the ass (OC)

Now I understand why her nickname was backdoor girl.

It’s going to snow tonight. My wife’s aunt called to tell her she might get 6-8”

I told her it depends on how easy I go on the whiskey.

A hurricane named Florence and no "Aunt Flo" jokes?

Hope there's no red tide.

How do you pronounce "Aunt"?

"Ont", "Ant", or "Goldnt"?

My asian aunt's quiet daughter

is called Nosai Hai.

I think thats a great shy niece name.

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Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took t...

What happens when you get in a fight in Bel-Aire?

Aunt Viv sends you back to Philly

Little Johnny is on recess playing on the playground when he see his dad drive into the woods next to the school.

Curious as to what his dad's doing, little Johnny decided to skip school to see what was going on.

When he gets to the woods he finds his dad there with his aunt Jenny. Well aunt Jenny is on her knees helping Johnny's dad relieve himself.

After school little Johnny runs home to tell ...

Sister told me the police were going to do a welfare check on my aunt...

Could have swore that she got those in the mail....

George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt.

This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally, it stopped.

George thought to himself, "Oh no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."

He open...

My sister just announced that she’s pregnant, everybody.

Can’t wait to see if I’ll be an uncle or an aunt.

I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.

She's made of auntie matter.

My Aunt Mary got a job at the zoo circumcising elephants,

the pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.

What do you call an angry French aunt?

A crossaunt

I performed a magic show for my aunt who was in a coma.

Needless to say, she was speechless.

Aunt Bessie figures it all out...

Aunt Bessie loves to meet and pamper her nieces and nephews, but she is limited only to her city, as she has a severe fear of flying. *"Who knows! Someone may be carrying a bomb!"*. Her relatives try and try to convince her how safe it is to fly nowadays, but 'she ain't gonna listen to nobody!'
<...

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An angry man walked into a Taverna one evening, and yelled "I hate the Greeks!"

He looked around, at the light blue wall paper, with the white Grecian key pattern going around the top. He stared into the eyes of the bar tender, a strapping young lad with an olive complexion, rich black hair, a glorious unibrow, and piercing green eyes.

"Are you a Greek?" he asked, menaci...

[Haiku] My aunt always said,

Slow and steady wins the race.

She died in a fire.



(Credit: Bob Burnham
Thanks to DiedWhileDictating for telling me about an earlier typo regarding this post)

A guy walks into a small family drug store...

... to buy some condoms. The lady behind the counter asks what size he wants, and the guy gets uptight and blushes, and stammers that he never knew that they came in sizes, and he doesn't know what his size is.
The lady tells him not to worry, there's a big old hogshead wine barrel out back with...

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Little Bobby woke up early on Thanksgiving Morning

As he was putting on his clothes for the day, he heard a loud, "FUCK!" coming from the Kitchen.

Little Bobby rushed downstairs, to see his mother nursing a cut on her finger.

"Mom, what does 'Fuck' mean?" asked little Bobby.

"It's a way of preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving."...

When you just found out by a coincidence you have two aunts named Lee.

A pair aunt lee just happened

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I give you my Aunt's best joke - The Cadillac dealership

A man walks into a Cadillac dealership and begins to browse. After a few minutes, a car salesman approaches the man. "Good morning Sir, are you thinking about buying a Cadillac today?" The man pauses. "Well, I'm going to buy a Cadillac today. But I was thinking about pussy."

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