My aunt: what is Easter gonna be like next year

Me: How should I know I don’t have 2020 vision

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My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic....

Eaten alive by a giant ass crab

I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.



Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

A man visits his 97 year old great aunt at the nursing home.

It’s been several months since his last visit and she was starting to show signs of senility, so when he sees her, he goes up to her and asks “Do you know who I am?”
She looks at him and replies “No, but if you ask the nurse, she’ll tell you.”

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Aunt Carol

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking ...

Apparently Canada banned trans fats today...

I don’t really mind, but I wonder what my Aunt John is gonna do...

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:

First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.

Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.

With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2
dollars each.

Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you m...

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

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A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either,...

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

I performed a magic show for my aunt who was in a coma.

Needless to say, she was speechless.

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

I got kicked out of my aunt's funeral for singing a song...

It was the Pink Panther theme. Dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt dead aunt dead aunt...

Based on my Aunt's joke

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into ...

George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt.

This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally, it stopped.

George thought to himself, "Oh no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."

He open...

High aunt

My family have a tradition of placing bets on how high they can hoist my mother's sister each Christmas at the family get together. I keep telling them to stop as it will end in disaster but they just keep upping the ante each year...

Sorry

A hurricane named Florence and no "Aunt Flo" jokes?

Hope there's no red tide.

What do you call an angry French aunt?

A crossaunt

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

Why is Jon Snow so ticklish?

Aunts in his pants...

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Why did Chuck Norris’ aunt give birth to him?

Because nobody dared fuck his mother

It’s going to snow tonight. My wife’s aunt called to tell her she might get 6-8”

I told her it depends on how easy I go on the whiskey.

My Aunt always said "slow and steady wins the race"

She died in a fire.

When you just found out by a coincidence you have two aunts named Lee.

A pair aunt lee just happened

Sister told me the police were going to do a welfare check on my aunt...

Could have swore that she got those in the mail....

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When I was a kid, my aunt told me men are a pain in the ass (OC)

Now I understand why her nickname was backdoor girl.

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

Little Timmy saw his dad drive by...

It's a sunny day, and little Timmy was outside playing by himself, when he saw his dad drive by with Aunt Karen in the passenger seat. They drive off into the woods nearby, and little Timmy runs after them to see what's going on. Upon learning what it is dad and Aunt Karen is doing out in the woods ...

I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.

She's made of auntie matter.

What did my Indian mom say to my Indian aunt just as she was at the door leaving after dinner?

they are still exchanging goodbyes

What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet?

I mean, didn't they get bored?

I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.

I hate to say my aunt was parsimonious, but . . .

when she died and went towards the light it was just to shut it off.

[Haiku] My aunt always said,

Slow and steady wins the race.

She died in a fire.



(Credit: Bob Burnham
Thanks to DiedWhileDictating for telling me about an earlier typo regarding this post)

How do you pronounce "Aunt"?

"Ont", "Ant", or "Goldnt"?

Who is a penguin's favorite relative?

His Aunt Arctica

My dad’s sister, Artica, has been very rude to everyone ever since her husband left her

It’s gotten to the point we’re we’ve had to preface every meeting with:

“Careful, Aunt Artica is very cold”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter Parker was at home alone one day, when suddenly aunt may walks in on him masturbating.

I guess she was the first person to see Spiderman home coming.

Little Johnny At The Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOM...

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A man visits his aunt for dinner

A man visits his aunt for dinner. During dinner, the man had a large urge to fart, but he notices the aunt's dog is near him. He lets out a little gas. The aunt notices and shouts "Shoo, Dog!". The man lets out a little more gas. Again his aunt yells, "Shoo shoo Dog!". One more time, the man lets ou...

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My mom said she had an aunt who claimed to never poop

She must've been really full of shit

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

I planted some daffodils on Aunt Millie's grave. She never liked them, but....

after a while they started to grow on her.

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Why there are no male agony aunts

Dear Jim, last week I left for work as normal but after having only gone a mile my car broke down. I walked home and arriving unexpectedly I found my Husband having sex with the babysitter!! I just can't believe this has happened, I'm devastated and don't know what to do! Can you please help?
...

Aunt Bessie figures it all out...

Aunt Bessie loves to meet and pamper her nieces and nephews, but she is limited only to her city, as she has a severe fear of flying. *"Who knows! Someone may be carrying a bomb!"*. Her relatives try and try to convince her how safe it is to fly nowadays, but 'she ain't gonna listen to nobody!'
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny: Mommy, what's a transsexual?

Mom: I think you should ask Aunt Dave that question.

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL

Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents:

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.

Son: Why is that funny?

Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?

Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.

Mom: I thought it meant Lots of Love. I have to call everyone ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I give you my Aunt's best joke - The Cadillac dealership

A man walks into a Cadillac dealership and begins to browse. After a few minutes, a car salesman approaches the man. "Good morning Sir, are you thinking about buying a Cadillac today?" The man pauses. "Well, I'm going to buy a Cadillac today. But I was thinking about pussy."

I recently found out that my aunt is both a bigot and illiterate when...

she refused to shop at the local fabric store because they were having a sale, but it was only for muslins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke from my Aunt...

A man goes out hunting to find something for his children to for dinner. He manages to catch a deer and proceeds home.

As he walks in he was greeted by his children who asked what was for dinner. The man states "It's something Mummy calls Daddy sometimes", to which the youngest replies "Don'...

What is Bruce Jenner's nephew's favorite movie?

Aunt Man

A man is woken up in the middle of the night by his son screaming. He quickly goes and wakes him up.

Man: "Son What's the matter?"
Son: "Dad it was the scariest dream! A man dressed in black came and told me my aunt is going to die tomorrow!"
Man: "Son it was just a dream don't worry."
The next day he comes home and his wife is crying.
Man: "Honey what's wrong?"
Wife: "my mother ...

My aunt lost a foot when someone dropped a bowling ball on her

Does she walk with a limp?

No, she's just a bit shorter.

My Aunt Mary got a job at the zoo circumcising elephants,

the pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.

Sorry Cincy

Cincinnati ,Oh(AP) -A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Cincinnati courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.


The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinati...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Firemen (told by my aunt at Christmas. NSFW)

So two firemen are buttfucking in a smoke filled room...

The fire chief is outside wondering what is taking so long so he storms upstairs, throws open the the door, sees the men, and screams, "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN HERE?!"

One fireman looks away from his business and calmly say...

What did the stormtrooper say when he was frying Luke's aunt and uncle?

I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning Beru.

Thanksgiving Dinner

A young couple and their 5 yr old son were sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with all the Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, cousins and friends. The father asked who would like to say Grace. His young son spoke up, "I want say the prayer mommy says". His mother filled with pride, and told him to go ...

A young girl is living with her aunt...

One night the girl is on her way out to go dancing. The aunt notices that her niece isn't wearing a bra, and her shirt is quite translucent. So the aunt stops her before she leaves the house and demands where she is going dressed like that.
"Oh Aunty," the girl replies, "I'm just letting my rose...

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TIFU by causing a massive fight at our families Labor Day BBQ

Now, a bit of background for you all.
Every year, my grandparents invite the entire family over to their place for their annual Labor Day barbecue.
Very rarely, my cousin Samuel decides to come along, and usually only if he's that desperate for a free meal.
Everyone in my family talks mad s...

A physics professor asks this question in his class.

If a plane is flying in South East direction at 795 miles an hour and it takes a torque of 58000 N/m2 to unscrew a nut from the main pillar of Brooklyn Bridge, then calculate my age as of today?

The ivy league geniuses in the class immediately went to work. Firing up thier computers and calc...

That's certainly a way to say it

Here's that other joke I told that evening mentioned in my last post. Don't worry you don't need to read it to understand its just better if you have.

So it starts with me talking to my extended family who were talking about baby names.

Aunt: well I think dad's should have an input on...

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