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Aunt Carol

The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking ...

My aunt’s star sign was cancer, so it was pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a giant crab.

It’s going to snow tonight. My wife’s aunt called to tell her she might get 6-8”

I told her it depends on how easy I go on the whiskey.

My aunt: what is Easter gonna be like next year

Me: How should I know I don’t have 2020 vision

I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.

​

Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

What do you call an angry French aunt?

A crossaunt

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A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either,...

Sister told me the police were going to do a welfare check on my aunt...

Could have swore that she got those in the mail....

Apparently Canada banned trans fats today...

I don’t really mind, but I wonder what my Aunt John is gonna do...

High aunt

My family have a tradition of placing bets on how high they can hoist my mother's sister each Christmas at the family get together. I keep telling them to stop as it will end in disaster but they just keep upping the ante each year...

Sorry

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Shashank? Do you think you’ll be next?”

.

.



We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:

First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.

Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.

With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2
dollars each.

Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you m...

My Aunt always said "slow and steady wins the race"

She died in a fire.

A hurricane named Florence and no "Aunt Flo" jokes?

Hope there's no red tide.

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Why did Chuck Norris’ aunt give birth to him?

Because nobody dared fuck his mother

Based on my Aunt's joke

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into ...

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

When you just found out by a coincidence you have two aunts named Lee.

A pair aunt lee just happened

I hate to say my aunt was parsimonious, but . . .

when she died and went towards the light it was just to shut it off.

I got kicked out of my aunt's funeral for singing a song...

It was the Pink Panther theme. Dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt dead aunt dead aunt...

George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt.

This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally, it stopped.

George thought to himself, "Oh no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."

He open...

What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet?

I mean, didn't they get bored?

I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.

She's made of auntie matter.

Why is Jon Snow so ticklish?

Aunts in his pants...

What did my Indian mom say to my Indian aunt just as she was at the door leaving after dinner?

they are still exchanging goodbyes

[Haiku] My aunt always said,

Slow and steady wins the race.

She died in a fire.



(Credit: Bob Burnham
Thanks to DiedWhileDictating for telling me about an earlier typo regarding this post)

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When I was a kid, my aunt told me men are a pain in the ass (OC)

Now I understand why her nickname was backdoor girl.

How do you pronounce "Aunt"?

"Ont", "Ant", or "Goldnt"?

My dad’s sister, Artica, has been very rude to everyone ever since her husband left her

It’s gotten to the point we’re we’ve had to preface every meeting with:

“Careful, Aunt Artica is very cold”

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My mom said she had an aunt who claimed to never poop

She must've been really full of shit

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Peter Parker was at home alone one day, when suddenly aunt may walks in on him masturbating.

I guess she was the first person to see Spiderman home coming.

Little Timmy saw his dad drive by...

It's a sunny day, and little Timmy was outside playing by himself, when he saw his dad drive by with Aunt Karen in the passenger seat. They drive off into the woods nearby, and little Timmy runs after them to see what's going on. Upon learning what it is dad and Aunt Karen is doing out in the woods ...

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A man visits his aunt for dinner

A man visits his aunt for dinner. During dinner, the man had a large urge to fart, but he notices the aunt's dog is near him. He lets out a little gas. The aunt notices and shouts "Shoo, Dog!". The man lets out a little more gas. Again his aunt yells, "Shoo shoo Dog!". One more time, the man lets ou...

Little Johnny At The Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOM...

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Little Johnny: Mommy, what's a transsexual?

Mom: I think you should ask Aunt Dave that question.

My aunt lost a foot when someone dropped a bowling ball on her

Does she walk with a limp?

No, she's just a bit shorter.

Heard this one at my great aunt's funeral

A young boy and his friend are attending mass at the boy's parish. His friend has never been to a church service before. As they pass through the vestibule the young boy dips his hand into the holy water and makes the sign of the cross.

Confused, his friend asks "What's that mean?"

"I'...

Who is a penguin's favorite relative?

His Aunt Arctica

I planted some daffodils on Aunt Millie's grave. She never liked them, but....

after a while they started to grow on her.

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Why there are no male agony aunts

Dear Jim, last week I left for work as normal but after having only gone a mile my car broke down. I walked home and arriving unexpectedly I found my Husband having sex with the babysitter!! I just can't believe this has happened, I'm devastated and don't know what to do! Can you please help?
...

I recently found out that my aunt is both a bigot and illiterate when...

she refused to shop at the local fabric store because they were having a sale, but it was only for muslins.

Aunt Bessie figures it all out...

Aunt Bessie loves to meet and pamper her nieces and nephews, but she is limited only to her city, as she has a severe fear of flying. *"Who knows! Someone may be carrying a bomb!"*. Her relatives try and try to convince her how safe it is to fly nowadays, but 'she ain't gonna listen to nobody!'
<...

What is Bruce Jenner's nephew's favorite movie?

Aunt Man

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL

Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents:

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.

Son: Why is that funny?

Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?

Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.

Mom: I thought it meant Lots of Love. I have to call everyone ...

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A joke from my Aunt...

A man goes out hunting to find something for his children to for dinner. He manages to catch a deer and proceeds home.

As he walks in he was greeted by his children who asked what was for dinner. The man states "It's something Mummy calls Daddy sometimes", to which the youngest replies "Don'...

A man is woken up in the middle of the night by his son screaming. He quickly goes and wakes him up.

Man: "Son What's the matter?"
Son: "Dad it was the scariest dream! A man dressed in black came and told me my aunt is going to die tomorrow!"
Man: "Son it was just a dream don't worry."
The next day he comes home and his wife is crying.
Man: "Honey what's wrong?"
Wife: "my mother ...

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I give you my Aunt's best joke - The Cadillac dealership

A man walks into a Cadillac dealership and begins to browse. After a few minutes, a car salesman approaches the man. "Good morning Sir, are you thinking about buying a Cadillac today?" The man pauses. "Well, I'm going to buy a Cadillac today. But I was thinking about pussy."

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Little Johnny

One day in a school room:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to...

Old Aunt Mildred

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to s...

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The Firemen (told by my aunt at Christmas. NSFW)

So two firemen are buttfucking in a smoke filled room...

The fire chief is outside wondering what is taking so long so he storms upstairs, throws open the the door, sees the men, and screams, "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN HERE?!"

One fireman looks away from his business and calmly say...

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse...

Quick! What is a four letter word that ends with UNT, that describes a woman?

AUNT!

What did the stormtrooper say when he was frying Luke's aunt and uncle?

I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning Beru.

My Aunt Mary got a job at the zoo circumcising elephants,

the pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.

It’s time to stop Alabamian stereotypes.

Me, my dad, my uncle, my mom, my aunt, and my grandfather have started a petition to stop these stereotypes.

We may only have 3 signatures, but we can start a change!

A young girl is living with her aunt...

One night the girl is on her way out to go dancing. The aunt notices that her niece isn't wearing a bra, and her shirt is quite translucent. So the aunt stops her before she leaves the house and demands where she is going dressed like that.
"Oh Aunty," the girl replies, "I'm just letting my rose...

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
<...

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There was a really unlucky man called Bob...

He was so unlucky that he was born with only one testicle!

One day, he decided to buy a plane ticket and go visit his aunt and uncle. He boarded the plane and started to watch the view.

Mid-flight, they went through a horrible turbulance and the captain came out to announce that one o...

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Curious child

There was family reunion one day and the mom and dad were preparing for it.

The kid went to the kitchen where his mom was cutting the turkey.

She accidentally cuts her finger and screamed "Fuck!"

Kid: what does "fuck" mean?

Mom: o-oh it means "cut" hah ha...

so ...

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The Pillsbury Dough Boy has died...

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughb...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

His Holiness the Pope is an avid fan of crosswords, and one day he was struggling with one...

"I can't seem to get this last word to fit!" He complained to his aide.

"Have you checked the other cross words, your Holiness?"

"Yes, but it's only the one word, and it's a four letter word for a woman, that ends in 'unt'''

"A yes, aunt!" Said the aide.

Suddenly the Pope...

Uncle Fritz

Jim and Joanne were finally going to tie the knot. They planned everything out, reserved the chapel and the reception hall, and wrote out their guest list. As they were finalizing the seating chart, Jim looked at Joanne and said, "Honey, I know you aren't going to like this, but we are going to have...

A man takes a seat on a plane next to, none other than, the Pope.

The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness.

The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle.

A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mu...

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A true story that has a punchline

I was standing out in front of a big box store with my dad, waiting on my Aunt to shop. When we see a beautiful African American lady walk past in yoga pants. I’m talking drop dead gorgeous!

After watching her walk into the store, my dad comments “Holy crap, those should be illegal!”

I...

Uncle Ben probably wouldn't have discouraged Peter from joining the Avengers

But his Aunt May

My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.

She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so s...

What do you call a cow with no legs?

My severely diabetic Aunt Linda.

A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane, and he's really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!

The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thinks. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!

Sure ...

Didn't come up with this one but I love it

So I was living with my abusive aunt and uncle on their ranch. They would get mad easily and beat me for almost nothing and they often try to catch me doing things I'm not supposed to. One day my uncle came home with a new donkey named Dirty. He was really expensive and my aunt hated him but she cou...

A guy sits on a plane and realizes he’s sitting beside The Pope.

He’s too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a 4 letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.”

The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exc...

Full House is becoming a trilogy

Danny Tanner was the focus of Full House.
D.J. Tanner is the focus of Fuller House.
Aunt Becky will be spending time in the Big House.