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My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic....

Eaten alive by a giant ass crab

True Story: My Aunt Just Adopted a Deaf Pitbull and was Wondering what to call him.

I told her, "It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway."

A man visits his 97 year old great aunt at the nursing home.

It’s been several months since his last visit and she was starting to show signs of senility, so when he sees her, he goes up to her and asks “Do you know who I am?”
She looks at him and replies “No, but if you ask the nurse, she’ll tell you.”

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

An Alabama man kills his wife, sister, mother, niece, daughter, and aunt.

How many people die?

What does your hot aunt and hot cousin have in common?

It's pretty relative

Based on my Aunt's joke

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into ...

My aunt's sign was cancer, which is funny considering how she died...

...attacked by a giant crab....

a girl who has an allergy to milk called her aunt

"a girl who has an allergy to milk called her aunt and told her to buy her bread because she's running out of breakfast toast"

she's lack toast and told her aunt

My daughter pulled this on her aunt

Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aunt: I don't know. Why?

Her: To get to the old lady's house

Aunt: ???

Her: Knock knock

Aunt: Who's there?

Her: The chicken

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Little Johnny and his Aunt

Little Johnny once walked in on his Aunt while she was naked... he pointed to the patch of hair under her belly button and asked "What's That?"

His Aunt, looking just a bit embarrassed said "Well Johnny, that's where god split me with his golden ax"

To which, Johnny replied "Wow he go...

My aunt used to work as a human cannonbal.

She wasn't sure she was any good at it until she got fired.

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my aunt’s ex husband used to call her his "meadow muffin" and she thought it was sweet

until she found out meadow muffin is another phrase for "cow shit".

My aunt: what is Easter gonna be like next year

Me: How should I know I don’t have 2020 vision

I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.



Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt?

Meatloaf croissant

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Why did Chuck Norris’ aunt give birth to him?

Because nobody dared fuck his mother

My asian aunt's quiet daughter

is called Nosai Hai.

I think thats a great shy niece name.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Popewas on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if the ...

You mean WHAT?

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of the property with a stream running by.”
"No," he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this...

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A teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The
teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Johnny before. She
finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word 'fascinate', so
she called on him. Johnny said, "My
Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten
buttons, but her boobs are so big...

There is no incest in Alabama! You can ask my dad, brother, uncle, husband, mother, sister or aunt!

They are both in the living room right now.

The kingdom was in shock to find out that the prince's mother was also his aunt

He was an ingrown heir

I got kicked out of my aunt's funeral for singing a song...

It was the Pink Panther theme. Dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt dead aunt dead aunt...

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”

We settled this quickly once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Little Johnny strikes again.

So Johnny tells Mom.
“I was at the Playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Dadd...

I saw my uncle cheating with another woman

but I aunt snitching

High aunt

My family have a tradition of placing bets on how high they can hoist my mother's sister each Christmas at the family get together. I keep telling them to stop as it will end in disaster but they just keep upping the ante each year...

Sorry

When you get married in Jordan.

I went to visit my aunt in Jordan. While their I visited my cousins. The oldest lived in the flat below, the next oldest lived a block a way, third lived 3 blocks away.

My dad joked "In Jordan when you get married you move a block away."
I asked my aunt "Isn't your youngest in Irel...

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

Darth Vader built an entire Galactic Empire...

Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.

But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle.

My girlfriend's brother had a baby.

You want aunts? 'Cause that's how you get aunts.

My Dad had 2 very attractive sisters that worked in the accounting office of the same company...

...it was the department of fine aunts.

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Little Johnny Returns

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Little Molly put up her hand and said, "My father went to my grandad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word *fascinate*, not fasc...

I performed a magic show for my aunt who was in a coma.

Needless to say, she was speechless.

Sister told me the police were going to do a welfare check on my aunt...

Could have swore that she got those in the mail....

I recently watched the movie Uncle, with Paul Rudd in it

You people may know it as Aunt-Man

A hurricane named Florence and no "Aunt Flo" jokes?

Hope there's no red tide.

I hate to say my aunt was parsimonious, but . . .

when she died and went towards the light it was just to shut it off.

My Aunt always said "slow and steady wins the race"

She died in a fire.

What do you call an angry French aunt?

A crossaunt

"I may never trust my sister Linda again," a brunette woman told her blonde friend.

"What happened?" asked the blonde.

"Yesterday," said the brunette, "I came home from work and heard a strange noise coming from the bedroom. I went upstairs and saw my husband lying in bed. He looked exhausted. I asked him what was up, and he said he was having a heart attack. Just as I was l...

Heartbreaking

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

It’s going to snow tonight. My wife’s aunt called to tell her she might get 6-8”

I told her it depends on how easy I go on the whiskey.

Two of my mom's sisters moved to the Alaskan wilderness

Now it's a double aunt tundra

George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt.

This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally, it stopped.

George thought to himself, "Oh no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."

He open...

When you just found out by a coincidence you have two aunts named Lee.

A pair aunt lee just happened

How do you pronounce "Aunt"?

"Ont", "Ant", or "Goldnt"?

I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.

She's made of auntie matter.

A man was doing a crossword.

Stuck on a word, he asked his wife,
"What's a four letter word, ending in '-unt' , used for a woman?".

"Aunt" she replied.

"Good guess" , the husband replied "By the way, can you hand me an eraser?"

What did my Indian mom say to my Indian aunt just as she was at the door leaving after dinner?

they are still exchanging goodbyes

Who is Uncle Kracker married to?

Aunt Cheese

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When I was a kid, my aunt told me men are a pain in the ass (OC)

Now I understand why her nickname was backdoor girl.

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A man visits his aunt for dinner

A man visits his aunt for dinner. During dinner, the man had a large urge to fart, but he notices the aunt's dog is near him. He lets out a little gas. The aunt notices and shouts "Shoo, Dog!". The man lets out a little more gas. Again his aunt yells, "Shoo shoo Dog!". One more time, the man lets ou...

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL

Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents:

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.

Son: Why is that funny?

Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?

Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.

Mom: I thought it meant Lots of Love. I have to call everyone ...

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Dear Jebediah

Dear Jebediah,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here t...

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Peter Parker was at home alone one day, when suddenly aunt may walks in on him masturbating.

I guess she was the first person to see Spiderman home coming.

Sensitive people.

I'm the tallest in my family, so my Aunt used to call me "Lurch" from The Addams Family.

Just over the past year I started calling her "Uncle Fester" and she got so mad at me.

I guess chemotherapy makes people sensitive.

My mums sister gets angry and bakes french pastries...

She’s a cross aunt.

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:

First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.

Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.

With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2
dollars each.

Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you m...

Better be Good

**Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.**

**Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the tw...

[Haiku] My aunt always said,

Slow and steady wins the race.

She died in a fire.



(Credit: Bob Burnham
Thanks to DiedWhileDictating for telling me about an earlier typo regarding this post)

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Why there are no male agony aunts

Dear Jim, last week I left for work as normal but after having only gone a mile my car broke down. I walked home and arriving unexpectedly I found my Husband having sex with the babysitter!! I just can't believe this has happened, I'm devastated and don't know what to do! Can you please help?
...

I planted some daffodils on Aunt Millie's grave. She never liked them, but....

after a while they started to grow on her.

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My mom said she had an aunt who claimed to never poop

She must've been really full of shit

My aunt lost a foot when someone dropped a bowling ball on her

Does she walk with a limp?

No, she's just a bit shorter.

As a child I hated going to weddings.

All the old aunts would grab my cheek and whisper in a conspiring voice "You're next."

They only stopped saying it when I began doing the same to them at funerals.

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Wait for it ...

So one of my aunts is African American and ever since Black Panther came out, we all call he Aunt Wakanda (I know ...). Any way, my wife always tries to get my Aunt to go to our Catholic church with us, but my Aunt refuses even though she grew up in the church. We finally asked her why she won’t eve...

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A joke from my Aunt...

A man goes out hunting to find something for his children to for dinner. He manages to catch a deer and proceeds home.

As he walks in he was greeted by his children who asked what was for dinner. The man states "It's something Mummy calls Daddy sometimes", to which the youngest replies "Don'...

Aunt Bessie figures it all out...

Aunt Bessie loves to meet and pamper her nieces and nephews, but she is limited only to her city, as she has a severe fear of flying. *"Who knows! Someone may be carrying a bomb!"*. Her relatives try and try to convince her how safe it is to fly nowadays, but 'she ain't gonna listen to nobody!'
<...

Thanksgiving Dinner

A young couple and their 5 yr old son were sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner with all the Grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, cousins and friends. The father asked who would like to say Grace. His young son spoke up, "I want say the prayer mommy says". His mother filled with pride, and told him to go ...

That's certainly a way to say it

Here's that other joke I told that evening mentioned in my last post. Don't worry you don't need to read it to understand its just better if you have.

So it starts with me talking to my extended family who were talking about baby names.

Aunt: well I think dad's should have an input on...

I recently found out that my aunt is both a bigot and illiterate when...

she refused to shop at the local fabric store because they were having a sale, but it was only for muslins.

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I give you my Aunt's best joke - The Cadillac dealership

A man walks into a Cadillac dealership and begins to browse. After a few minutes, a car salesman approaches the man. "Good morning Sir, are you thinking about buying a Cadillac today?" The man pauses. "Well, I'm going to buy a Cadillac today. But I was thinking about pussy."

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A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either,...

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TIFU by causing a massive fight at our families Labor Day BBQ

Now, a bit of background for you all.
Every year, my grandparents invite the entire family over to their place for their annual Labor Day barbecue.
Very rarely, my cousin Samuel decides to come along, and usually only if he's that desperate for a free meal.
Everyone in my family talks mad s...

My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.

She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so s...

My Aunt Mary got a job at the zoo circumcising elephants,

the pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.

A guy sits on a plane and realizes he’s sitting beside The Pope.

He’s too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a 4 letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.”

The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exc...

Socks

After visiting family I flew home. Later I had this exchange.
Aunt: You left a sock behind. I can’t tell if it’s the left or right sock. *laughs*
Me: Yup. It’s the left sock.
Aunt: *stunned* How can you tell if it’s left or right?
Me: it’s the sock I left...

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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.

Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all th...

Why is Jon Snow so ticklish?

Aunts in his pants...

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A physics professor asks this question in his class.

If a plane is flying in South East direction at 795 miles an hour and it takes a torque of 58000 N/m2 to unscrew a nut from the main pillar of Brooklyn Bridge, then calculate my age as of today?

The ivy league geniuses in the class immediately went to work. Firing up thier computers and calc...

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