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Aunt Jokes

My daughter pulled this on her aunt

Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aunt: I don't know. Why?

Her: To get to the old lady's house

Aunt: ???

Her: Knock knock

Aunt: Who's there?

Her: The chicken

I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?"

"2 or 3" she replied.



Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

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My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic....

Eaten alive by a giant ass crab

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

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My Aunt Ruth went missing

It turned out she was kidnapped and murdered before my uncle could pay the ransom. He went on a rampage, finding and slaughtering every last man who participated in kidnapping her, even going so far as to torture some of them. You could say he was.....

Ruthless

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Little Johnny and his Aunt

Little Johnny once walked in on his Aunt while she was naked... he pointed to the patch of hair under her belly button and asked "What's That?"

His Aunt, looking just a bit embarrassed said "Well Johnny, that's where god split me with his golden ax"

To which, Johnny replied "Wow he go...

An Alabama man kills his wife, sister, mother, niece, daughter, and aunt.

How many people die?

My aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

I hate it when my aunts and grannies come up to me at weddings and say "You're next."

So now I just do the same to them at funerals.

What does a turtle call his aunt?

Tort-tia

Why men shouldn't be Agony Aunts:

Dear Jim,
I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and wouldn't start.
I walked back to our home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old babysitter
They announced that the affair had been going on for two years.
Can you help me I'm desperate!
<...

I had a cousin called Marco. Tragic story. He got lost in a crowded shopping mall. My aunt called and called for him

but of course she hadn't a hope of hearing him calling back.

My aunt

My aunt (who already has 3 children from different fathers) posted on facebook that she is pregnant with twins. I commented: "Congratulations, finally two children from the same father".

Why doesn’t Jesus have any aunts?

Because they’d be antichrists.

What does George Washington have in common with Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter?

They both went to Mount Vernon.

How do you use medicine to assassinate an aunt?

Anti-Venom

Okay, so you want her alive, how do you just stop her fawning over you?

Anti-Dote

My aunt named her son "Shine".

I didn't know why she gave him such an awkward name.

Until one day when I listened to her singing her son to sleep:

"You are my son, Shine,

My only son, Shine..."

\-----

Edit: stupid typo

Aunt Agony Advice Column

Dear Aunt Agony,

I have a romantic and loyal boyfriend, who loves me dearly. He isn't rich, but works hard at his job, and is trying to save enough to buy us a house, so that we can get married.

However, recently I met this wealthy old man who was visiting our country. He said he likes...

My aunt told me don’t blink because life goes by so fast

She now suffers from severe eye inflammation

What does your hot aunt and hot cousin have in common?

It's pretty relative

My Cousin VS. My Aunt

My cousin is 28 and my aunt keeps pestering her about having a boyfriend because she wants grandchildren, my cousin keeps declining her because she already decided to be single for the rest of her life, this kept going on for months now and my cousin hasn't said anything until now...

Aunt: Yo...

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Chuck Norris was born by his aunt…

because nobody dared to fuck his mother

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My aunt who is also a nun just got pregnant

In response to the news I just said "Holy fuck!"

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A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

High aunt

My family have a tradition of placing bets on how high they can hoist my mother's sister each Christmas at the family get together. I keep telling them to stop as it will end in disaster but they just keep upping the ante each year...

Sorry

An ant, an aunt, an antechamber, an antelope and an antenna walk into a bar.

The barman asks "what is this, an anti-joke?"

The ant replies: "no".

A wife asks her husband, "If I died, do you think you would remarry?" (joke from my 79 year old great aunt)

The husband replies, "Remarry? No way! I'd be too devestated by your death, I could never replace you."

The wife insists that her husband take a new wife, "If I go before you, I would hate for you to be alone. Please tell me you'd find a new wife."

The husband promises to honor his wi...

Aunt Karen

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to m...

My Aunt Betty lost both her feet in a tragic accident but she's still taller than her sister Susan which means Betty is...

Lack toes and taller Aunt.

My wife complained about the fireworks that went on until midnight on the 3rd, I told her it was just a little fourth-play.

This just happened and she looked over and told me it was the first actually funny thing I had said in a couple of years so I thought I would post it. I'm sure someone somewhere has said this before but damnit let me relish in this moment.


Bonus, before that the last funny thing I said w...

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My aunt recently decided to turn her home into a bed-and-breakfast.

I guess she woke up one day and said, "Not enough strangers are fucking here."

My mother recently passed away, and my aunt and cousins are a bunch of reprobates.

Isn't that what you call them when they're trying to contest the will?

My aunt always helps whenever I have an upset stomach.

My Aunt Acid

Based on my Aunt's joke

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into ...

In the 5th month of every year, my aunt let's her pigs in the field....

It's mayham!

My aunt used to say…

Slow and steady wins the race.

She died in a fire.

If ant poison gets rid of your aunts, what gets rid of your uncles??

Anti-funcle cream.

What did aunt jemima say when she ran out of pancakes?

Oh how waffle!

Aunt Millie's secret recipe has been stolen by Sara Lee's brother.

Alleged Lee.

my aunt ruth died in a horrible explosion

they couldn't even find any body parts to put in the casket

the funeral was ruthless.

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My Aunt Jill was an English teacher who taught me so many important lessons like....

“Always use very precise language or you could be misunderstood.”

I remember it vividly because we were at their farm and I was helping my uncle Jack off a horse as she was telling me that.

My spinster aunt thinks that statues of Jesus on the crucifix in only a loincloth is too revealing, so she has started covering them in appropriate clothing.

...aparently, she's a cross-dresser now.

My Great Aunt recently passed away

Me and my mom were planning the funeral and we were decided what wood the casket should be made of... apparently mourning wood wasn’t the right answer

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

Aunts pestering me at weddings

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, *“Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”*


We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.

How do you pronounce "Aunt"?

"Ont", "Ant", or "Goldnt"?

I tried to take a shower at my aunt's house

She had big lights installed in the top of her shower and it was full of plants. I had to take all the plants out to use it. When she saw me taking the plants out she said "what are you doing?! that's a *grower*, not a *shower*!!"

My aunt used to work as a human cannonbal.

She wasn't sure she was any good at it until she got fired.

My aunt's parrot can say over 30 phrases, but each one is offensive and belittling.

I say parrot, it's actually more of a mockingbird.

My asian aunt's quiet daughter

is called Nosai Hai.

I think thats a great shy niece name.

My aunt used to build houses for a living..

She was a carpenter aunt

I hear they are changing the name Aunt Jemima

Not so sure "Uncle Toms" is the best replacement.

My aunt (quite rightly) slapped my uncle for trying to get to first base with her in public.

I bet he felt a right tit.

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A boy asks his mother, "Mommy, why is my cousin named Barry?"

"Well," says the mother, "your aunt Linda named her son Barry because she likes to eat berries."

"I see," says the boy. "And why is my other cousin named Stu?"

"Well", replies the mother, "you aunt Molly named her son Stu because she likes to eat stew."

"Very interesting. Why...

[Haiku] My aunt always said,

Slow and steady wins the race.

She died in a fire.



(Credit: Bob Burnham
Thanks to DiedWhileDictating for telling me about an earlier typo regarding this post)

My aunt's sign was cancer, which is funny considering how she died...

...attacked by a giant crab....

I got kicked out of my aunt's funeral for singing a song...

It was the Pink Panther theme. Dead aunt, dead aunt, dead aunt dead aunt dead aunt...

My aunt: what is Easter gonna be like next year

Me: How should I know I don’t have 2020 vision

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL

Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents:

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.

Son: Why is that funny?

Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?

Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.

Mom: I thought it meant Lots of Love. I have to call everyone ...

What do you get when you drop the croissant your aunt made..

A cross aunt

Quaker surprised me about how decisive they were when canceling aunt Jemima.

I expected them to waffle.

As an unmarried man, my aunts used to ask me "and, are you the next one?" at every wedding...

...that quickly stopped when I started to ask them the same question at funerals

A hurricane named Florence and no "Aunt Flo" jokes?

Hope there's no red tide.

I suffer from depression, but my aunt, who dotes on me, always knows how to cheer me up

you could say she's the perfect auntie-dote to my misery

Aunt Bessie figures it all out...

Aunt Bessie loves to meet and pamper her nieces and nephews, but she is limited only to her city, as she has a severe fear of flying. *"Who knows! Someone may be carrying a bomb!"*. Her relatives try and try to convince her how safe it is to fly nowadays, but 'she ain't gonna listen to nobody!'
<...

Old Aunt Mildred

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to s...

I hate to say my aunt was parsimonious, but . . .

when she died and went towards the light it was just to shut it off.

Why is Jon Snow so ticklish?

Aunts in his pants...

Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.

The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane.

She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety fe...

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.

The only married person was Otis, & he was the town drunk.

What do you call an angry French aunt?

A crossaunt

A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.

For seventeen long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding.
Finally the old girl passed away.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the ...

How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt?

Meatloaf croissant

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.

She's made of auntie matter.

George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt.

This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally, it stopped.

George thought to himself, "Oh no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."

He open...

A man visits his 97 year old great aunt at the nursing home.

It’s been several months since his last visit and she was starting to show signs of senility, so when he sees her, he goes up to her and asks “Do you know who I am?”
She looks at him and replies “No, but if you ask the nurse, she’ll tell you.”

I was admiring my aunt’s necklace when she surprised me by announcing, “I’m leaving it to you in my will.”

I was overjoyed, perhaps too much. “Oh!” I shouted. “I’m looking forward to that!”

A girl walks up to her mother and asks, "Mommy, why am I named Clover?"

"Your grandma believes that it brings luck to our family."

Then, her other daughter walks up. "Mommy, why am I named Nirvana?"

"Because, your aunt believes that is the place you go when you are enlightened."

Finally, her son walks up to her. "Those names make sense, but why am I...

Divorce Judgement

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation o...

My Aunt Mary got a job at the zoo circumcising elephants,

the pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.

Little Johnny At The Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOM...

The kingdom was in shock to find out that the prince's mother was also his aunt

He was an ingrown heir

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

I performed a magic show for my aunt who was in a coma.

Needless to say, she was speechless.

Sister told me the police were going to do a welfare check on my aunt...

Could have swore that she got those in the mail....

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for...

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Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived her...

Well away from the muffins...

My aunt Sara is someone who has an excellent sense of humor. In a nutshell, my aunt is a lady in her sixties who uses the fact that she loves cakes and is overweight... to make fun of herself. One of the most delightful conversations i had with her was when i met her at the bus stop one day and she ...

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My mom said she had an aunt who claimed to never poop

She must've been really full of shit

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulati...

I planted some daffodils on Aunt Millie's grave. She never liked them, but....

after a while they started to grow on her.

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I give you my Aunt's best joke - The Cadillac dealership

A man walks into a Cadillac dealership and begins to browse. After a few minutes, a car salesman approaches the man. "Good morning Sir, are you thinking about buying a Cadillac today?" The man pauses. "Well, I'm going to buy a Cadillac today. But I was thinking about pussy."

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The Firemen (told by my aunt at Christmas. NSFW)

So two firemen are buttfucking in a smoke filled room...

The fire chief is outside wondering what is taking so long so he storms upstairs, throws open the the door, sees the men, and screams, "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN HERE?!"

One fireman looks away from his business and calmly say...

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

It’s going to snow tonight. My wife’s aunt called to tell her she might get 6-8”

I told her it depends on how easy I go on the whiskey.

When you just found out by a coincidence you have two aunts named Lee.

A pair aunt lee just happened

My aunt lost a foot when someone dropped a bowling ball on her

Does she walk with a limp?

No, she's just a bit shorter.

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